Ep 134 – Sargon My Dick

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Speaker 2 Motherfucking come town and fucking. I'm heated.

Speaker 2 A great miscarriage of fucking justice just transpired.

Speaker 2 Fucking piece of shit out of it.

Speaker 2 Number one, greatest injustice in American history, probably

Speaker 2 Emancipation Proclamation. Okay.
Number two. In what sense?

Speaker 2 Number two,

Speaker 2 the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald by

Speaker 2 Jack Ruby. Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to?

Speaker 2 I think it was incredibly unfair that I beat you guys. Fuck, shut the fuck up, Adam.
No, I agree with you. You were losing the whole fucking time.
We were all on the same side here. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 I don't care for your attitude. I wasn't even trying to win.
Oh, okay. Fuck you, man.

Speaker 2 The game gave you three fucking stars, and it tried to give you more, but your dumbass didn't have enough fucking corn. I would have had two more stars.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 We're, of course, arguing about Mario Party at GameCube. We're into Mario Party.

Speaker 2 Shut up. It's for grown-ups.
It's for everyone, everyone, dude. What do you think the E on the box stands for? You said to me that Rocket League was for babies, and that's more adult than this game.

Speaker 2 E for everyone, just like this argument about Suck Cocket League, which is a game you play in your apartment. That's right.
Anyways,

Speaker 2 you're on all fours and you put little dildos on the end of truck on like little radio control cars. You put another man's penis in a roller skate and he slides across the floor into your ass.

Speaker 2 Yeah, remote control cars. That's the word I was like, anyways.

Speaker 2 RC. Yeah, and they put those into your ass.
Little Mario Party, relaxing. Having a great time on it.
Just really reflecting on

Speaker 2 Adam. Some of the controversy this week.

Speaker 2 You know, as you know, Milo or Milo was banned from Patreon, and then

Speaker 2 Sargon, the destroyer. Sauron, I believe.
Sauron, the eye of my dick. The eye of.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I think he's like a whiz or something.
Isengard.

Speaker 2 Isengard.

Speaker 2 He was kicked off for casting a spell on a four-year-old.

Speaker 2 If I'm understanding correctly. I think that's what it is.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, because a couple of people are mad and

Speaker 2 they're pointing out that, like, why is it that he gets kicked off and we don't?

Speaker 2 And just to make it clear, it's because

Speaker 2 we're the good guys. And he has a little S.

Speaker 2 We're on the right side of history. Yep.
That's so true. You say, like, well, he sarcastically used racial slurs, and you sarcastically use racial slurs.
I have never once ever used a racial slur.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go on the record right now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go on the record right now and say, you will be hard pressed to find any evidence of me using any kind of slur.

Speaker 2 And honestly, the suggestion of that, first of all, out of context,

Speaker 2 it's doctored. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a classic case of doctored. Everything's been doctored.
In fact,

Speaker 2 I brought in

Speaker 2 one of my

Speaker 2 closest friends. You may have seen him on one of those Fox UFO debunking specials

Speaker 2 who is here to,

Speaker 2 you might know of his work from proving that the moon landing is fake. He's a debunking expert.
That's right. And he's looked over some of these tapes.
His name is Richard Fagat Nagar.

Speaker 2 That's just his name. He's an Italian man.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 We don't have to say it again.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, I mean, it's just a traditional Italian surname.

Speaker 2 What part of the boot is he from? Are you upset because his name is Dick? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, come on. Enough.
Enough of that. Enough of the poo-poo stuff.
Anyways, he's got to play it clean.

Speaker 2 Because honestly, like, you know, people have been trying to get us kicked off Patreon. And

Speaker 2 I pay this man, but also he's my friend. And he's looked over the tapes and he said conclusively

Speaker 2 through his transitional aviator sunglasses and the fishing vest, he never takes off, that not only are these tapes of me doctored,

Speaker 2 but that the moon landing never happened. And that there's no such thing as black women.
He also said that. Really? That is doctored.

Speaker 2 They're doctored.

Speaker 2 They're dumb. Black women

Speaker 2 are actually doctored.

Speaker 2 Only the women. Only the women.
There are black guys. Of course.
Don't be ridiculous.

Speaker 2 What are we living in?

Speaker 2 Some kind of fantasy land over here?

Speaker 2 Of course, there's black men. Sauron

Speaker 2 is hard. My friend is not insane.
Yeah, yeah. Whose name I will only say the one time.

Speaker 2 And again,

Speaker 2 that is just his name. Just his name.

Speaker 2 Is he here?

Speaker 2 No, he's not. Okay.

Speaker 2 No, he wrote a letter.

Speaker 2 Okay. Let me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, read the letter.

Speaker 2 That's the sound of paper being

Speaker 2 good points. Dear sir and madam, that's me.
Okay. You're both

Speaker 2 from Dr. Richard.

Speaker 2 Richard

Speaker 2 F. Dash N.

Speaker 2 Dr. Richard F.
Dash N.

Speaker 2 We have reviewed the evidence presented by the YouTube Council of Gaming and Kotaku or whatever.

Speaker 2 The holy defenders of Sargon, the N-word.

Speaker 2 The N-word sayer.

Speaker 2 Sargon, the mage of an N-word saying.

Speaker 2 The dark mage.

Speaker 2 And it has been proven without question

Speaker 2 that these tapes, like Black Women in the Moon Landing, are severely doctored.

Speaker 2 Yours truly, Dr. Richard.
That's all right. We can stop saying that.
Yeah, yeah. We don't have to read the end.
Yes, could you please not say my name on the show?

Speaker 2 I get a lot of angry letters from people that think I'm not Italian. Yeah.
They think I'm doing a mean joke about Italian names.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the mean joke in that one. Yeah, so we thought we'd address that.
It's because, you know, look, we're

Speaker 2 principled guys, you know. Absolutely.
And things like freedom of speech, they matter to us. You know,

Speaker 2 specifically our own. Freedom of peach, too.
Getting fucking peach from Mario.

Speaker 2 I bet her pussy is just delightfully smooth.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 A hundred like peach fuzz. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The inside of her pussy feels like two peach fuzzy. She feels like the peach from

Speaker 2 Call Me If You Can. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Call Me If You Can, that movie where Leonardo DiCaprio is being pursued by Tom Hanks by Army Hanks. In a gay way.
Tom Hanks is trying to have gay sex with Leonardo Leonardo DiCaprio. You can.

Speaker 2 Yeah, call me a man. He's chasing him on a bicycle in the middle of the Italian countryside.

Speaker 2 We're looking for this boy, Frank Abignae Jr.

Speaker 2 And when I find him, I'm going to hold him down and fuck him.

Speaker 2 My name is Agent Tom Hanks of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Speaker 2 He's got a Boston accent there. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Norck, Norck. R.I.P.
R.I.P. talked to Penny Marshall, too.

Speaker 2 Speaking of some Tom Hanks bangers, she did. I didn't realize she did Big and League of Their Own.
Those are some hard, dick-ass movies. League of Their Own Rocks, dude.
Two of the five that stops.

Speaker 2 You want to play another round, bitch? Let's go.

Speaker 2 The yeah. League of their own is good.
Also, Penny Marshall was a big fan of Cometown, too. Yeah, oh, yeah.
On the record. It's true.

Speaker 2 So thanks for that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that is fucking such a dumbass name.

Speaker 2 His name's

Speaker 2 something. What is his deal? I don't know.

Speaker 2 He's racist and a gamer. Yeah, he's racist.
He's a little ass bitch. Oh, I literally have no idea who he is.
Or is he not racist? No, he's definitely racist. Oh.
I think he's racist.

Speaker 2 He's racist and a fucking video game.

Speaker 2 And people say the shit, whatever the fuck his name is, with a straight face.

Speaker 2 Sargon of a guy.

Speaker 2 Pudgy ass British. Yeah, call him his real fucking name.

Speaker 2 I like that, like, because of podcasting, guys like us and him go from people who would have just been working at the mall for the rest of their lives.

Speaker 2 Like, I would be in GameStop being like, look at that fucking loser that works in the sword store. Yeah, yeah.
And it would have been Sargon. Yeah, and it would have been Sargon.

Speaker 2 But seriously, freehand. His name tag says Carl, and he keeps changing it to Sargon.
And his boss is like, Carl. Carl, I take you again.
You fire. Carl, you do that one more time.

Speaker 2 We won't have to let you go. The mall management says that women have complained and they can't, they don't know your real name.

Speaker 2 You keep looking when they file a sexual harassment complaint when they don't know what they are. And they ask for directions how to get through the hallmarks,

Speaker 2 and you answer with a riddle that involves the size of your penis.

Speaker 2 Stop making them guess how royal your penis is.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Mr. Gwen.

Speaker 2 I'll never do it again.

Speaker 2 Vanda Countro,

Speaker 2 yeah. I want to be Suck Dickiosa with my dick.
I would just go by Adam. I'm going to be Glansdorf.
Glansdorf.

Speaker 2 I want to be Hardikios.

Speaker 2 Glansdolf. Glansdolf and Hardickos.
Gandalf. Is that his name? Gandalf? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The White Wizard. Is Gandalf and the White Wizard? I want to be Suck Dr.
Comes Back the White.

Speaker 2 I want to be Suck Ray of Swords. Suck Dick Buldore.

Speaker 2 Suck Dick Buldor?

Speaker 2 Dumb.

Speaker 2 Apparently, Dumbledore is gay. Now, Dumbledore was being played in some prequels by Jude Law or some shit.
Yeah, in the fantastic beast. And he's just wearing a suit.
That's weird to me.

Speaker 2 I saw it on the plane, the first one. Oh, was it good? No.

Speaker 2 Now, seriously. Now, what the fuck? Hold on.
He's just sexy Jude Law in a fucking suit, and then he becomes like a fucking. He starts wearing like robes and shit.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, when you get older, your hair turns white.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what the fuck happened? The wizards, like, the wizards get into retro shit. Is that what's going on?

Speaker 2 Like, they dressed regular in Harry Potter, and then they all went into the house. Oh, they got more into robes? Yeah.
I think that's because of his his role as an educator.

Speaker 2 Oh, so teachers all have to dress gay as shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess so. That's pretty cool.
Yep. I think it's a lot like the election.

Speaker 2 Nog warts. Nog warts? And guess what happens there? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 They celebrate with the seasonal festive drink

Speaker 2 that everyone loves. I know it's tough because hogwarts is already, it means dick warts.
Have you slobbed some nog this season yet? Oh, slob on my nog.

Speaker 2 I hate when I offer to get eggnog, and some dumb bitch bitch is like, I don't like eggnog. It's good.
I've never had eggs. Women just are like, oh, I don't like it.
Bitch, you drink cum constantly.

Speaker 2 You live off cum. Yeah.
That's good. Every woman lives off cum.

Speaker 2 Is there a difference between the two? What? Are you too good to buy your cum in a store? And it's sweet cum, almost. It's sweet cum.
You put a lot of money.

Speaker 2 I freaking had it up to here with these picky women. Yeah.
Let's go in on them. Let's do it.
Oh, my God. Yeah, you're listening to the fellas podcast.
I'm freaking done with these brewies.

Speaker 2 They are so dang stupid. Let me tell you.
Dude, every time a dumb girl says something fucking dumb, I'm like,

Speaker 2 bitch.

Speaker 2 Get them. Every time.
Dude, that's so true. I've seen you do that.

Speaker 2 There was that one hot girl that was like, remember that hot girl? We were talking about her, and then she turned and looked at us. And I was like,

Speaker 2 fucking dropping her. And we were like, stop looking at us.
Shut up. Don't look at me.

Speaker 2 And then we just kind of left. Yeah, we left after that.
Fucking bitch. Dude, and we were like, we were in the parking lot, like,

Speaker 2 dude, if, yeah, she's lucky she didn't look at me another way. Dude, I would have fucking punched her right in the fucking face.
I swear, dude, I was about to beat the shit out of that bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You know, I'd love doing that. I love hitting women.

Speaker 2 When I just lose it, when I just can't take it anymore.

Speaker 2 She comes home from work and she's just in my fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Like, you're just opening opening moms.
Stepped all the way into the asshole. Mom.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. Fuck you, mom.

Speaker 2 Did you guys ever think that moms are also chicks? They are chicks, though. So true.
You forget that, though. Adam Friedland class.

Speaker 2 Is this one of your bitches? This is a Friedland class. No, I thought we were just doing dumb, dumb, saying dumb things.
I thought it was kind of an actual thing you would pitch. What?

Speaker 2 That's like an actual bitch. Do you guys ever notice moms are chicks also? That's true.
Yeah. Are you trying to say you want to fucking

Speaker 2 work out a new closer?

Speaker 2 Do you want to fuck our mom, our collective mom? Dude, we could fuck our moms because they are chicks. That's the point.
That is true. Okay.
I'm back.

Speaker 2 You got mom Hanks and he's like, I'm looking for my son, Frank Abagnale Jr., so I can first have gay sex with him and then bitch at him until I buy him a Switch.

Speaker 2 And then it's all of that. Oh, okay.
Now does he have a callback? Does he have a pussy? Yes. We're compiling.
So how's he having gay sex with you?

Speaker 2 The The last 20 minutes of the podcast has been compiled. I don't think we've done 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 I think it's been like seven minutes, probably.

Speaker 2 20 minutes.

Speaker 2 Do I remember what? My dick.

Speaker 2 You're going to bring up the Holocaust again.

Speaker 2 Did you ever notice that

Speaker 2 who would probably be the best at giving head?

Speaker 2 Who? Us guys. Because we know exactly what we want, right? Yeah, nice.
Have you been thinking about that since we said, here's another Adam Classic? No.

Speaker 2 Just trying to bring another one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that is true. Yeah.
Hmm. Are you trying to suck a dog? I think dogs would be the best at giving heads.
No way. They got fangs.
Yeah, but they like peanuts.

Speaker 2 I think something with someone. I've ever tried that peanut thing.
I'm mad I didn't try the peanut butter thing when I was younger and my dick was more sensitive. Yeah, did you ever?

Speaker 2 I thought that would have felt awesome.

Speaker 2 Did you get dogs? I'll bet I had access to dogs.

Speaker 2 You're going to fuck someone else. Someone else's dog? You're going to do it with your own dog.

Speaker 2 Look, if you're going to fuck a dog, you better just fuck somebody else. I guess guess you're right.
That's like fucking all the way. You don't want to fucking do that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like if you were a pedophile, it's like you're gonna fuck your own kid. A lot of them do that.
What are you? The Joker?

Speaker 2 Is that one of those Batman movies I don't remember?

Speaker 2 When we were in the jungle in Burma, there was a man coming into the village raping all the little boys.

Speaker 2 For 40 nights, we tried to figure out who was coming into the village to rape those little boys. And then we found out it was the boy's father.

Speaker 2 The point is, Master Wayne, there's some men just want to watch the world burn.

Speaker 2 Some men just want to fuck a boy. Master Wayne.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 So I think people that do the best at getting head is someone with a very wet mouth that also has like Parkinson's. Yeah.
And they have a shaky

Speaker 2 hand shakes, dude. Michael J.
Fox.

Speaker 2 You know, I heard they were having Michael J. Fox play the news.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 I would love to have Michael J. Fox

Speaker 2 best stand-up comedy bits I've ever heard in my life. It's so funny.

Speaker 2 We're talking about a guy from DC, folks.

Speaker 2 He goes,

Speaker 2 speaking of which, which no one was speaking of it at all.

Speaker 2 I heard that

Speaker 2 they got Michael J. Fox playing the new Batman, which

Speaker 2 is not true.

Speaker 2 The bid is like, what is Batman doing? It has nothing to do with Parkinson's. No, no, no, no.
It's that Batman has his shoes on the wrong feet. Yes, that's what they're doing.
Which is like

Speaker 2 Markinson. Margins's means in his mind that you are retarded and not that your hands and feet shake.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That would be good. He's diagnosed.
I would love to have sex with the king Bobom. You've been talking about that for quite some time.
I mean, look at his big mustache and shit. He wears those mittens.

Speaker 2 Would you fuck his ass or would he fuck your ass? I mean, he would hold my ass and guide me into his ass. He would use his strength to make me fuck his ass.

Speaker 2 So, your whole body would be a dick, essentially? No, my dick would still be my dick, but he would.

Speaker 2 Oh, he'd be using you as I see. As like a dildo.
As a dildo.

Speaker 2 You'd be completely powerless, even though you're frustrating him. If you could fuck one video game character, what would it be? This one right here.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It would definitely fuck Birdo's mouth. What is that for the timing? It's Birdo, dude.
It's Yoshi's girlfriend. No, that's not Yoshi's girlfriend.
It's Yoshi's girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Yoshi would be slobbed by that every night.

Speaker 2 Your dick and ball. She literally just has a flashlight on her face.
Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, look, she's married, too.
Oh, she's got a ring. She's missing.
She's got a ring. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 She got a big ring. I would love to fuck Yoshi's wife.
That's not his wife, bro. How funny it would be if Patreon kicks us off for threatening to fuck Yoshi's wife.

Speaker 2 Ooh, what is Mario Party Winner called? Superstar.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 You doing like a... Oh, you get a sticker.
Oh, that sucks. You put it over a pussy.

Speaker 2 No, take that all the way off. Take the sticker off, Birdo.
Let me get into them pink guts. What's partner pink?

Speaker 2 If Birdo is pink, what color do you think the inside of her pussy is? How about turtle? But answer my question first. What? Black.
You think your pussy's black? Oh, like a light blue?

Speaker 2 Like a Pakistani girl's pussy? No, there's pussy's pussy. It's like a giraffe's tongue.
Have you ever seen a giraffe's tongue? Somebody bring me my phone. I have to look up a Pakistani pussy.

Speaker 2 My dead grandpa. Somebody get grandpa's phone.

Speaker 2 Somebody get grandpa's phone. Well, now that you've answered my question, I will say I like it

Speaker 2 in response to what about Turto?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You like what? Nick asked, what about Turto?

Speaker 2 And I answered. Who's Turto? He just said, what about?

Speaker 2 Those look like pretty pink pussies to me, man. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a pink pussy. That's a trans.
That's fake. No.
These are all fake. Those are pink pussies, brother.

Speaker 2 Check your privilege, man.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's. I know what you're saying in terms of deep purple, like a purplish.

Speaker 2 But light blue, that's no, that's too cartoonish for a human woman's pussy. Avatar.
Have you ever seen the movie Avatar? Yeah, what does the inside of their pussies look like?

Speaker 2 Well, they fuck with their tail, their

Speaker 2 ponytails. Oh, yeah, they like pink up.
Whoa, damn. This one?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's dark, but look how big her fucking titties are.

Speaker 2 God damn, are you looking at Na'Vi porn right now? No, you're not allowed to look at this. No, let me.
Come on. This is off-limits for you.

Speaker 2 Don't touch, right? I don't like these games.

Speaker 2 Hey, you know what? Off-limits. I want to see that Na'Vi shit.
You get too horny, man. That real uncut Na'Vi shit.

Speaker 2 Would you, if you had to fuck one color alien, would you pick green or blue?

Speaker 2 Well, you got that girl from the,

Speaker 2 what's it called? The Chris Pratt thing where they're in space. She's

Speaker 2 Wait, is Zoe Saldana also an avatar girl, too? Yes.

Speaker 2 Wow. Damn, she's got green and

Speaker 2 I would just fuck Zoe Saldana. No, I didn't say Zoe Saldana, bitch.
You would have to choose

Speaker 2 the alien. Actually, you said Zoe Saldan.
Shell Jones. No, I didn't, motherfucker.
Sean Jones. No, I saw She sounded Sean Jones.
No, I said if you had to fuck an alien, would it be green or blue?

Speaker 2 I would fuck. I would probably fuck you, dude.
I would pick green.

Speaker 2 I would pick green. Have you seen Star Trek?

Speaker 2 As long as the titties aren't hard. No, of course they would be soft.
What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Well, you don't know. They're aliens.
Well, I'm talking aliens in popular.

Speaker 2 Like the Star Trek green bitches and the

Speaker 2 tech artists. My friend Dr.
Richard.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't know how to say his name.
Well, he's telling me that green women are also a myth. They've been debunked.
What? Yeah,

Speaker 2 green and blue alien women.

Speaker 2 He's listening to the podcast live. Live.

Speaker 2 live he's got the live feed yeah hey but oh whatever man all i know is i would like to fuck a human woman airbrushed green how about that can we just say that with big ass titties yeah adam are you not even gonna finish your pokeball dude i'm saving it for after the pot i didn't want to um chew on mic out of respect for the audience You're just going to leave raw fish out, you motherfucker?

Speaker 2 Yeah, just stink up the fucking apartment with raw fish. What do you mean? It's just closed.
The Pokeball is

Speaker 2 a little stomachache. I'm worried about you.
I think Stav wants the Pokeball. I'll just hold it if you want for a second.
Don't eat my Pokeball, dude. I'm going to put it in the fridge, though.

Speaker 2 Anyway.

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Take that. Just saying you can bet on it.

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Speaker 2 That's a good one. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Oh, you think are you confusing Santa Con? Oh, yeah, Santa Con, Ramadan. It doesn't sound good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right. I am.

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Oh, sorry. That's one of those three.
Well, we'll have to come up with a different choice because you just said. Fuck.
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Speaker 2 That's true.

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Speaker 2 Ramadan,

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I'm about apps.

Speaker 2 You love apps. I love pulling my phone up and typing in things and saying,

Speaker 2 saying,

Speaker 2 doing things on my phone. Yeah.
I like an easy-to-use mobile playing interface. Love that shit.
And that's something you can get at BetDSI.com. You know,

Speaker 2 the app is actually the best design because the girl that owns the website is in a Stephen Hawking chair and can only communicate with you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one of those fancy apps.

Speaker 2 Imagine all the machinery machinery that has to go into keeping this dumb bitch alive also went into

Speaker 2 mobile playing interface play win get paid.

Speaker 2 Bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else, too. Oh, everything else.
You know, not just Ramadan, but sports. Major sports, politics, reality TV.
Dot, dot, dot.

Speaker 2 Pretty much everything.

Speaker 2 This is the copy they told me to read.

Speaker 2 Pretty much everything else, too. Everything else.
Including all major sports. All major sports.
Politics. Politics.
Reality TV. Reality TV.
Pretty much everything. Pretty much everything.

Speaker 2 That's everything, pretty much. Pretty much, you dumb motherfucker.
If you have to think of,

Speaker 2 there's nothing else I can think of to bet on. No? I don't know.
Dog fights, maybe?

Speaker 2 Free Michael Vick. Yeah.
You know, it would be nice.

Speaker 2 Set up simulated dog fights between famous dogs.

Speaker 2 That's a website you could create and integrate. That's use the BetDSI API.
That's right. The ass pussy index.

Speaker 2 It's an ass pussy index.

Speaker 2 It's listen for how close a woman's pussy is to her asshole.

Speaker 2 The perfect one, if she scores a zero, they're very far apart. Yeah, if the golden ratio,

Speaker 2 they have the same. Yeah, a woman's asshole should be 3.61 times tighter than her pussy.
That's right. And if she nails that, then that's what's called classical beauty.

Speaker 2 That's a theory. That's a golden ratio.
You know that little spiral? That's Socratic.

Speaker 2 That's Socratic beauty.

Speaker 2 The Fibonacci soccer. Socratic Socratic beauty.

Speaker 2 So anyway, you can bet on whether any girl in the world has how far her pussy is from her ass. And they got a.

Speaker 2 You can use the app from anywhere.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you knew that or not.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's the other thing, too, is you could use it anywhere. You forgot to say that.
Say what? But you could use it anywhere.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I forgot to mention that you can use that app pretty much anywhere pretty much anywhere anything anywhere yeah like you know how no other apps work that way

Speaker 2 apps are like geofence and they only work in certain areas yeah you try to use seamless at a place with no restaurants around you can suck you can seam

Speaker 2 you can lick the seam on my balls nick's ball sack my seamed up balls

Speaker 2 my balls have no seam he has extra stitches that's because nick seamed himself up an extra he goes he has a cross for the lord He went one left and right.

Speaker 2 Well, I have, I have, you know, I did it up like a baseball. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, you got the baseball pattern. And you tell your girl to suck you like a slider, like she's doing a slider.
Give me the split singing.

Speaker 2 She's licking the asshole.

Speaker 2 Number 47.

Speaker 2 Diane.

Speaker 2 Ah, so yeah. Here he comes, and there it is.
Looks like a single right to the left eye.

Speaker 2 That's an easy out.

Speaker 2 And she's

Speaker 2 making his way to the mound, doing one or two licks, and he's falling asleep.

Speaker 2 And that's it. Nick, I can tell you're not asleep.
And he's remembering. You're still narrating.

Speaker 2 He hates eating pussy. You're narrating you going to sleep while eating my pussy and pretending it's a baseball game.
Remember, the bit is more important than you getting off.

Speaker 2 It's more important to do a bit. You ever do a bit during sex? Always, every time.
Always, me too. I'm doing a bit every time I fuck.

Speaker 2 He's having sex with a woman, Adam. That's the greatest bit they do.

Speaker 2 It must be so annoying to have sex with us. Adam, can we finish the readme? Can you show some professionals? Oh, I thought we were back on Adam.
No, Adam. Keep doing readings.
Yeah. Keep reading.

Speaker 2 We offer live and game wagering. Keep reading.
You can make plays throughout the games and events. So

Speaker 2 let's say you're watching the big game, right? And you're thinking, what's the smart play here? Oh, yeah. Bengals.
What's hot money? No, fuck Cincinnati. What a revenge.
You were just there.

Speaker 2 Why do you say fuck Cincinnati? You were just there, dude. Cincinnati can suck my day.
You didn't like it? Thank you to everyone who came out, but that town sucks my cock. Yeah, Ohio sucks in general.

Speaker 2 We went in on that on the last one. Yeah, yeah, about how people are like, that's so Ohio, like people from there.
Ugh. Do they do that? Yet a new thing.
Anyway. Yeah, I mean, it's the worst state.

Speaker 2 It sounds like a deaf person named it.

Speaker 2 It is like, it's all the the shittiest parts of Pennsylvania, West Virginia. Columbus is cool.
Is that right? College town? Columbus actually was the cool. I liked Columbus.

Speaker 2 They got a MLS team, the crew. Oh, they do.
You're right.

Speaker 2 Anyway, promo code, what is it? No, what are we betting on this week? Amazing. This week we got Take Ramirez against Chuck Chaknikov.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you heard it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've been really impressed by his ground and pound or whatever dumb shit. I fucking hate mixed martial arts.
No, it's fun to watch. No, it's fun.
Is there a a new one? Pretty fucking boring.

Speaker 2 There's a new fight this weekend.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Maligna Cock versus Suck Diddle.

Speaker 2 Lick My Cock.

Speaker 2 Chuck Liddell. Chuck Liddell did fight.
He got his ass smoked.

Speaker 2 Jr. Tiny Nuts DeSantes.

Speaker 2 He's sponsored by a pistachio.

Speaker 2 He was raised in the back of a Volkswagen bug in Favela outside of Rio de Chacacha.

Speaker 2 And his parents were actually dirt. Just pieces of dirt.
He was born in

Speaker 2 the garbage.

Speaker 2 And he is

Speaker 2 evidence that communism is a bad idea.

Speaker 2 So take Little Nuts Ramirez

Speaker 2 this weekend. Take that to the bank.
When you sign up, make sure to use promo code CUM120 so they know we sent you. When you sign up, you've got some options.
You can just play and cash out.

Speaker 2 Or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables. Wow, can you imagine that? You walk into a casino, somebody says, Sir, here you go.

Speaker 2 Here's a piece of shrimp or whatever.

Speaker 2 I don't know what a casino comp is. Yeah, cigarettes, pussy.
Yeah, here's

Speaker 2 here's a woman's pussy

Speaker 2 to just fucking use.

Speaker 2 Just use this bitch that you're second. Staying at the Bellagio.
And that's what the bonus money is like. Just like that.
And it has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

Speaker 2 So if you're going to be in the sports book, which is where we're going to be able to do it. We love the fucking sports book.

Speaker 2 I like sitting there just watching the games, they got big TVs, yes, sir. Yeah, uh-huh, that's so right.
Yep, I love going into that sports book area at the casino.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, it's wearing my big cowboy hat, my assless chaps. That's right.
You know what I bet on? What does a feller gotta do around here to

Speaker 2 fuck?

Speaker 2 You know what I bet on all the time? Sex. Buggy.
Do you ever see those buggy races? They always got those planned up

Speaker 2 at sports books. Yeah, I see.
You never seen a buggy race? I have, Adam, I have. What's it called? Psych? Yeah.
Fuck. You got psych.
So come 120. Use

Speaker 2 Como Pro 1 Come 20.

Speaker 2 And something.

Speaker 2 Como Pro 1 Come 20.

Speaker 2 Damn, my brain hurts. Promo code Come 120 and you get the comp and you get the pussy and it's

Speaker 2 drama. I'm gonna give you 60% bonus cash which returns 1,000 into 1600 to play with.
Once again, that's Bethesi.com Come 120. 120.
Let's start

Speaker 2 the show.

Speaker 2 I'm a gay guy. They call me the gay guy.
Tonight on the McLaughlin group, Bethesda. Well, Eleanor Cliff, fuck me.
2101 odds. Eleanor, balls in your court.

Speaker 2 This is highly inappropriate. Come on.
John, give me a little sugar. Can I get a whiff of your pussy at least? John, we work together with her.
Does Eleanor shave her pussy?

Speaker 2 I think she's a total bitch. Crappy Cannon, what does Eleanor's pussy smell like? The Holocaust never happened.

Speaker 2 That guy's a straight-up Holocaust and I are Buchanan. Oh, cool that we had to make this about you.
It's about us. Doing a bit for everybody.
And now

Speaker 2 it's Adam's bit corner.

Speaker 2 You guys do bits during sex, man. I'm deathly serious.
Oh, I do, Joe. Well, that's because you're so disgusting and physically laughable to look at.
No.

Speaker 2 Dude, the whole concept of making a passionate love and then whispering in someone's ear. Making a passionate love, huh?

Speaker 2 Making passionate love, and then while you're doing it, whispering something in someone's ear,

Speaker 2 you could really play with that format and say some very funny things. No, man.
You just gotta fuck. You gotta get some nuts off.
I love telling my girlfriend she's canceled.

Speaker 2 When the cock comes out, that's when I get serious. No, when I'm deep inside.

Speaker 2 Dying of laughter at your laughable dick. No.
No, at my joke. It's at my joke.
You missed it earlier. It's at my joke.
It's at my joke.

Speaker 2 I said to Stav. I was like, oh, I didn't realize that laughable thing was a podcast app and not

Speaker 2 the size of your dick.

Speaker 2 He got that. I said that to him.
You got him.

Speaker 2 Earlier, I said that. You said it better earlier.
I did.

Speaker 2 Kind of jumbled in. Well,

Speaker 2 I mean, you don't even have to be there. You can kind of appreciate it.
Should we tell Stav about all the bits that we did on the show when he was in Ohio? Oh, yeah. What did you guys do?

Speaker 2 We talked to some girl that says you raped her. Yeah, we had her on.
She was crying most of the time. That didn't happen.
We had some girl that says you sexually assaulted her on her. That's not true.

Speaker 2 She said that it wasn't a physical sexual assault, but she was. That I was creepy.
That it was

Speaker 2 a tattoo. She was traumatized.
She had a Stavish Golden Angels tattoo on her pussy, and I asked to see it with my tongue. How do you get a tattoo on your pussy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, a thing I like to do as a nerd is to just walk down the street, punch a woman in the face, and rip her clothes off, and say, I was looking for Pluto.

Speaker 2 And when people question me, I go, I'm a scientist.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have a beaker. I put a beaker in a girl's pussy, and I'm like, I'm doing an experiment.
I'm doing science, you fucking dumb bitch.

Speaker 2 Your last time, I'm a scientist.

Speaker 2 I'm a fucking scientist. You can't get mad at me.
I love having gay sex.

Speaker 2 Mario.

Speaker 2 Shardy. Damn, my head.
Mario Shardy? My head hurts. What's wrong, bro? Yeah, man.
I barely slept last night. That's why I sound sound like I'm fucking stoned on this episode.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 I'll be better for you people next time. I just thought Sava's back.
It's going to be easier. I don't have to talk as much.
Well, we've been playing Mario Party for six hours.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry, Mario Party is 60 years ago. You grab the one episode where you worked.

Speaker 2 Seriously. Dude, that's geez, Lee.
It's exhausting. I can't imagine.
It is exhausting. It's not that much, BF.
How stick. I have to talk for an hour.

Speaker 2 At least half the time. And

Speaker 2 They probably did at least 75% of the talking.

Speaker 2 Yep. That's 25%.
It would be funny.

Speaker 2 It would be really funny to see a breakdown of how many minutes per

Speaker 2 episode we had. I've had some straw.
I don't think I've had single digits. You might have.

Speaker 2 There have been some. I've flirted with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can't count laughter either. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you laughing and repeating something that somebody said? I've never repeated anything anyone else has said.

Speaker 2 That's 90% of your jokes on the shit. What do you mean, repeating? Just being like, you know, a good, like, a good punchline, then being like,

Speaker 2 that's not true. I have a lot of jokes on the show.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 The one where I called myself a bug who eats dust. No, that wasn't you.
The one where I called myself a baby who likes baby things.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, dude.

Speaker 2 Oh, shut up.

Speaker 2 Alright, new topic of discussion. Okay.
Ready? Set.

Speaker 2 Russia.

Speaker 2 Russia.

Speaker 2 Most beautiful women in the world. Not including Eleanor, of course.

Speaker 2 Are they going to invade Poland and turn them into sex slaves? Apple Canada. Yes, and we should nuke them right now.
We should use them. Honestly, I got to say...
Putin had a good ass year, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's just getting to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go. go power rankings.
Putin really nailed it.

Speaker 2 Putin's up there, and it's pretty funny that you can just fuck up a guy with a bone saw, and everyone's like, ah, whatever.

Speaker 2 The Saudis straight up.

Speaker 2 Didn't the Saudis just admit they did 9-11? Yeah, they did do 9-11. That shit is fucking funny.
Yeah, and then they told Canada that they'd fucked them up.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, and also, fuck that Canada guy.
I don't like him at all. Dude, Trudeau.
Yeah, he's a fucking loser. Yeah, anybody, though.
Anybody's ethnically French is trash.

Speaker 2 I agree. Fuck.
Is he a Quebecois? Of course. That's fucking true.
His dad was Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. How about his name? It was Pierre.
Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 How about a

Speaker 2 French name? Minister. Oh, Crime Minister.
And it's like a dark priest.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. And what he does is he has sex with children.
Okay.

Speaker 2 It was about 30% of the Catholic people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is Venom any good? I kind of want want to watch Venom. I saw the tongue.
It looks disgusting.

Speaker 2 The reviews of it make it seem like it's bad, but then I think the reviews just think it's bad because it's just like a dumb movie and not like that Marvel bullshit where it's like. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Should the government be spying on people? Oh, yeah. He's like a moral.
He's kind of a spider. Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 Who gives a shit? Why does it need to be relevant? Well, he's like a bat.

Speaker 2 He's like an alien, I thought.

Speaker 2 There's an Eminem. There's an Eminem soundtrack, which is.

Speaker 2 Min MM does all the songs that tells you everything you need to know yeah is that for real no but he's got a song on it that's it's you get by an alien and now I'm gay alien for man

Speaker 2 Eminem did say he's on grinder yeah now I'm on grinder yeah and now I'm on grinder

Speaker 2 I think he's by

Speaker 2 no way how that come that I can everyone would know that I'm not even fucking kidding dude I'm for real Eminem is gay he said he said something about like he says he uses he you this was like six months ago to find like people to blaze with me.

Speaker 2 No, he's like he's like I use all the dating apps. I use Tinder.
I use Grindr. That's that's a quote from Eminem.

Speaker 2 Maybe he's joking. No, I think he's fucking

Speaker 2 I know Eminem says he uses gay dating apps. You know what I wonder from a year ago.
See? I couldn't use the dating apps for a while because my penis isn't working. But then I went to bluechew.com

Speaker 2 and they sent me medicine that makes

Speaker 2 custom medicine from Chew.com that makes my dick

Speaker 2 work just like it did when it sucked. When it just regular sucked.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 If you have a fucked up dick like me and Nick, it'll make your dick just kind of adequate again. Yeah.
With a lot of hemming and hawing.

Speaker 2 You can actually fuck. He was making a joke.
Eminem's not gay. He was making a joke.
Yeah, right. Apologize.

Speaker 2 A spokesman said that it was a joke. No, he's gay.

Speaker 2 That would fucking rule, dude.

Speaker 2 That would explain the little gay-ass beard he's got now.

Speaker 2 It looks like a gay man's beard.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. Just leave now, Adam, you motherfucker.

Speaker 2 Ah, you suck, ass. Dude, all I wanted was a little fucking support on my gay.
No, we're doing Blue Chew Man's Beard. What do you mean? What are we doing? Whatever, Adam.
Go away.

Speaker 2 You literally heard me say it. You're just walking away.
I'm not walking away. I was just getting more water.
I gotta find a fucking copy. This is so funny.

Speaker 2 I was so excited to have them as a sponsor because it's like, oh, this is something like I actually. Well, listen, you want me to speak from the heart, man? You know what's been nice?

Speaker 2 It's like taking those dick pills and like not even fucking or beating off. Just like having a hard ass dick out of nowhere.
Right, because I'm a drug addict.

Speaker 2 So like just taking a pill and having something happen is like an event. Yeah.
You know, and I get something out of that.

Speaker 2 It's like, even if you don't need dick pills, you should probably go to bluechew.com and buy them anyways. It's fun.

Speaker 2 Because it's like drinking non-alcoholic beer if you have an opiate problem or whatever. Just make sure you lie about having another drug issue on the intake form.
Because they do, like, they do.

Speaker 2 You do need an actual prescription.

Speaker 2 There is a doctor on there. So

Speaker 2 they're 100% legal advice. No.

Speaker 2 I think you have to be careful because it's a medicine company. Yeah, no, you should be careful.
Listen,

Speaker 2 it's not shoes.

Speaker 2 Let me say this. It's not boots from Chicago.
Let us say this:

Speaker 2 Do not lie

Speaker 2 on the thing to get dick pills. Do not

Speaker 2 do that. Stance.
If you have some kind of heart condition or they ask you about other use of drugs, do not lie to get the dick pills.

Speaker 2 If you have high blood pressure, do not lie about that.

Speaker 2 Me and Nick certainly have not done that.

Speaker 2 We have never

Speaker 2 any such thing.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 we do not want our left. In fact, I'm on the record as saying that I have never done cocaine.
No. Nor do I have heart issues.
Right.

Speaker 2 I do not see stars when I stand up. And neither do I as of recently.

Speaker 2 I do not have to hold onto the wall every time I sneeze

Speaker 2 because everything goes dark for a second.

Speaker 2 I have not taken so many dick pills, the vision in my left eye starts to flicker. That is for sure.
Yeah. I have not taken an entire quote-unquote month's supply

Speaker 2 just to see what happens.

Speaker 2 And neither should you. Yeah.
It's all this shit is by a doctor, but no waiting in line or any of that fucking little bit. No waiting in line.
None of that embarrassing pharmacy line where they go.

Speaker 2 They're like, whoa, sir next, are these your dick pills?

Speaker 2 A guy with a little ass dick that doesn't get hard.

Speaker 2 Your prescription is ready. Excuse me.
The small penised man standing next to the hot woman

Speaker 2 who was going to fuck him until I said this. Yeah, with the woman whose tits that have a tattoo on them that says, anyone is allowed to fuck me as long as they don't need dick pills.

Speaker 2 Your dick pills are ready.

Speaker 2 That's a thing of the past. That's the thing of the past.
Which used to happen to me six times a fucking day. Yeah.
Now you can take the dick pills, hang out in the pharmacy,

Speaker 2 and then you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm not here for dick pills. I don't need stuff like that.
What's your name?

Speaker 2 Yeah, my name's Richard. My last name is actually.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, that's the best part. And look,

Speaker 2 seeing as how you don't do any of that, you just take one dose, it gets your dick nice and hard. It's good for you.
It's good for your fucking partner.

Speaker 2 She's going to be coming all over that fucking suddenly hard. And thank you for saying partner stuff, too.
I also said she, but she or he, he or she.

Speaker 2 he or she will be getting stuffed right whether it's the bung hole or the pussy or yeah the mouth

Speaker 2 maybe you you use his nuts like a fucking fleshlight you wrap his nuts around your hard ass dick and fuck that and it's chewable so they work faster than pills yep yeah straight into your blood the same active ingredients as viagra and sialis which gladdophil and some other shit so that's good Yeah, that's the good stuff.

Speaker 2 And you can take it on a full or empty stomach because they're chewable.

Speaker 2 And if you're like Stav and you don't have teeth, you can just suck on them. There's plenty of teeth, but

Speaker 2 sometimes I suck on them for the flavor. Stav is literally incapable of taking his chewable dick pills anymore.

Speaker 2 Just dissolve in my mouth because he's too fat for teeth. It ships directly to your door in discreet packaging.
No doctor visit, no awkward conversation. I put them in my smoothies.

Speaker 2 They give you confidence in bed every time. You and your partner will love it.
Because, you know, confidence is everything, fellas. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sometimes when I'm on a job interview, to feel more confident, I take four blue chews and my dick is hard as shit coming through my khakis. And that gives me the confidence to be

Speaker 2 the deli guy at Keith. There's two paths to confidence.

Speaker 2 You're either somebody that's been gifted in life and you live a blissful, delusional existence, somebody that just has things, or you accept complete, utter, and total defeat.

Speaker 2 You're somebody whose dick doesn't work. People don't fucking like you.
You're going to die anyways. And then you sink into that.
And then that's where real confidence comes from.

Speaker 2 With acceptance. It's better than the natural confidence.
Right, exactly. Because then you can fuck the kind of women that don't care that you're taking it.

Speaker 2 The kinds of women who, whether you were hard or not, truly doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter.
You're not going to fulfill them sexually or emotionally.

Speaker 2 You're just kind of wasting time. They've never been.
It would almost be better if you were paying them

Speaker 2 it would be

Speaker 2 you'd feel less guilty you would feel better yeah yeah you would feel serious

Speaker 2 than if it weren't just some kind of mutual defeat where you're both doing an impression of happier people

Speaker 2 acting like you don't have problems oh shit so you acting like you're not thinking about some terrible things while you're inside of her

Speaker 2 i think of tragedies

Speaker 2 yeah i think you you just embarrassments.

Speaker 2 Oh, I just think of self.

Speaker 2 Is that what you think, Nick? I think you think, look how cool I am. You know what I'm thinking? Having sex.
I'm Adam. Sometimes I do think that.
Look how cool I am.

Speaker 2 If you haven't thought that before, I'm thinking, damn, nice. Like, I love looking at titties.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I think this is the ultimate. See, that's the thing.
I don't think while I fuck. It's the best.
You're an animal. I overthink for my whole life.

Speaker 2 And I'm just finally the pussy. I'm smelling pussy juice in the air.

Speaker 2 when it mists up and turns into vapor and it hits my nostrils. I'm not doing bits.
I'm not thinking about it.

Speaker 2 I have the same exact thoughts I have in the shower.

Speaker 2 It's like

Speaker 2 an identical

Speaker 2 because you have a loofah in your ass both times.

Speaker 2 No, I don't actually wash myself in the shower. I just stand there.

Speaker 2 I just go through my enemies list in my brain. And I think to myself, damn it, I would love to be in the kind of shower that doesn't have water that comes out of the faucet.
The gas comes out.

Speaker 2 When I'm having sex, I feel like an animal, and nothing turns me into more of a fucking girl. Nothing turns me into a fucking ape like Blue Chew.

Speaker 2 I attacked a pussy like a silver dick. I guess the gorillas have small dicks because that way you can tell women you have a gorilla dick.

Speaker 2 And then when they see it and they're angry, you're allowed to beat them to death.

Speaker 2 Because you already explained that you're a gorilla. Yeah, I mean, you're not.
You already have the gorilla. I like that.
That is with with Cernovich. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I don't know how you did.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, do the bit, Adam. You said it a second before.
Go ahead, do it. I'm not stealing anything.
No, go ahead.

Speaker 2 No, I'm done. Go ahead, do it.
Nothing. Go ahead.
Bluechew.com/slash.

Speaker 2 Because in the book, Mike Cernovich has a book about

Speaker 2 being like an ape.

Speaker 2 Which I haven't read. Oh, he's got a book, huh? It looks like we've got a regular Matilda over here.

Speaker 2 Matilda was the smartest girl?

Speaker 2 Bluechew.com/slash town.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, that's the other one. You go to bluechew.com, you get your first order for you, and use promo code ComeTown.
Nice. Salute to them.

Speaker 2 All capital letters, you just pay the five bucks for shipping. And so that's like, that's just, that's tight, actually, because it's like fucking this shit.
It's free medicine, bro.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a medicine. You know,

Speaker 2 we don't want free Medicaid. Yeah, this is Medicaid for you.
And from what I understand, from Angry Women Online,

Speaker 2 is that dick pills are covered by something, I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, old guys can get dick pills. Angry women?

Speaker 2 Yeah, old guys can get dick pills, you can't get control. Well, that's a defense of like, you know, birth control being in.

Speaker 2 You see, people get into arguments about like, employers shouldn't have to pay for birth control, you slut, or whatever. But they pay for dick pills.

Speaker 2 And women are like, I need the birth control for more than just fucking a billion. Yeah, yeah, that's true.
I'm going to fuck a billion dollars.

Speaker 2 Am I going to fuck 100 guys as soon as I break up with some possession guy? Who?

Speaker 2 I don't know, some guy. What chick are you talking about, dude? I'm just doing a general big shit.
No, he's talking about somebody in particular.

Speaker 2 He was thinking of them and he sounded like someone particular. I'm literally not.
He was. Dude, he totally was

Speaker 2 who he was thinking about. No.
Just say her name. Some woman materialized.
Say her die.

Speaker 2 Who's the woman that hurt you?

Speaker 2 Matilda Mullen.

Speaker 2 My daughter.

Speaker 2 I would love to be the dad in Matilda. There's a dad in in

Speaker 2 the middle.

Speaker 2 I thought she's an orphan. Damn.
I'm going to get married to your daughters. You're so fucking dumb, Adam.

Speaker 2 Would you? You're so fucking stupid. I'm kidding, man.
Just chill out. We're joking.
God damn it, dude. You're honestly making me kind of weird.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should take a chill pill or Blue Chew Chill Pill.

Speaker 2 That's what I call them. A Netflix and Chill Pill.
Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
That's pretty clever. Maybe you should put that on the website, you fucking assholes.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think I'm putting that on bluechew.com, bluechew.com, Netflix, and Chill Pill, and then you fucking pay me money, even though you already give me dick pills for free.

Speaker 2 I think I'm about to get your birthday present, Nick. You got me a birthday present? Well, I haven't gotten it yet, but I just think I just got an email.
I'm about to get it. You're a sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 2 It's from Star Vandai. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 2 You'll see it when you're in it. You'll like it, man.
It's a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Yes, it is.
I knew it. It's to Borders.
To Borders, Books, and Music.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 I remember. I guess we're done, right? With the come

Speaker 2 on bluechew.com and use, get your first order free when you

Speaker 2 use promo code ComeTown. Just pay $5 shipping.
Again, that's B-L-E-U-C-H-E-W.com. That's probably important to say.

Speaker 2 That's not true. No, it's B-L-U-E.
Yeah. C-H-E-W.
You said E-U.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sorry, folks. I have trouble reading and remembering.
Nick on the way over here, claimed he didn't know the difference between left and right. I literally don't.

Speaker 2 Neither literally nor politically.

Speaker 2 There's literally the horseshoe theory.

Speaker 2 And you know what that theory is?

Speaker 2 That if you want to get lucky,

Speaker 2 sometimes you got to rape.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's it. That's the horseshoe theory.
I think it's something about same extremes ending up being the same or something like that.

Speaker 2 So you mean you throw a horseshoe at a woman's head and have sex with them is that the theory you're talking about when i was uh when i was a kid um there was a retarded kid that had a hammer and he was about to come down on my head with it real hard but a teacher stopped him at the last second and i always think that like he could have made me like him

Speaker 2 he's like a vampire yeah retarded people could be vampires

Speaker 2 a retarded guy with a hammer yeah is essentially a vampire or a werewolf i you know i just i always think about that it's like what if that retarded kid had used his power to make me also retarded?

Speaker 2 If he bit you? No, man. No, the hammer.
I know you have to leave the room every five minutes. Yeah, you've been going along way a lot, man.
I'm sorry, guys. No, you aren't, dude.
You're never sorry.

Speaker 2 You don't know. You're having a rough day.

Speaker 2 What's wrong? What's wrong, big guy? I'm just having a rough day.

Speaker 2 You know, tomorrow's another day. How was your Pokeball?

Speaker 2 It's in the fridge. Good.
I'm glad to hear that. What do you mean you're born in the business? I'm worried about you getting fucking bacteria.
I do

Speaker 2 the Pokebook. I'm serious about that.
See?

Speaker 2 What are you talking about, dude? We ate raw fish all the time in Japan. Yeah, but that's the good shit.
That's the radioactive shit. It killed all the bacteria.
The Fukushima.

Speaker 2 All the Fukushima got the fucking bacteria dead. The Fukushima.
And if you put enough radioactive fish around your cock, it'll grow

Speaker 2 and start glowing.

Speaker 2 What a gay song, dude. Radioactive? No, this Mario Party song.

Speaker 2 I'm so much cooler than this game, dude. That's why I like playing it to prove how much cooler I am than the game for babies.
You got so mad when someone stole your ally, dude. I did.

Speaker 2 So, what are your Christmas resolutions, guys? Or New Year's resolutions? Grow my cock a couple inches somehow

Speaker 2 to grow your cock? Yeah, jelk.

Speaker 2 Jelk. Jelking.

Speaker 2 I think maybe pescatarian.

Speaker 2 Nah, fuck that. Why not?

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. You should do it.
Stop. Why don't you just be vegan? I tried.
I ate too many potato chips and potatoes in general. Yeah.
How long do you try to be vegan for?

Speaker 2 Like two and a half weeks. Really? This year? Yeah, much earlier.
No. I fed Stav a vegan brownie earlier.

Speaker 2 It was good.

Speaker 2 Nick thinks a vegan brownie is just his shit. Yeah.
I ate his shit out of his ass. If you're vegan, the only kind of food.
No.

Speaker 2 dude, you're so gay. I ate your shit.
No.

Speaker 2 Just I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh, my turds.

Speaker 2 Your windows open.

Speaker 2 I'm popping.

Speaker 2 Gay guys are going to reach into your ass and steal your turds.

Speaker 2 Dude, I don't know. I'm willing to admit that maybe I might be inching towards leaving the category of regular obese and getting dangerously close to actually being morbidly obese.
I have gotten much.

Speaker 2 You're already morbidly obese, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm at the edge of regular obese and flirting with morbidly obese.

Speaker 2 You weigh more than LeBron. Yes, but I'm also more powerful.
That's not true.

Speaker 2 LeBron's six styles. I'm more dense than him, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 His weight is spread out over six stars. Yeah, dude, it's like Wario versus Waluigi, who's more powerful.
Definitely Wario. Wario.
Because he's a squatter. He's squat.
He squats.

Speaker 2 Stav's got a lower center of gravity than

Speaker 2 anyone. You think LeBron could be?

Speaker 2 He's got fat. LeBron.

Speaker 2 Stav's built like a manhole colour. Thank you, Nick.
Uh-huh. You know how hard those are to fucking pick up.
You can't tackle one. They're already on the ground.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 You want to see me on all fours, dude. Just coming at you like I'm going to be.
What are we laughing about? You running to the stage to collect a medal and you can't

Speaker 2 go up the stairs. You destroy.

Speaker 2 Street shards.

Speaker 2 Like a street shard.

Speaker 2 What was the context of that? I don't remember, man. Dude, I was laughing so hard.
Remember that ramen restaurant? Oh, yeah. And hitting on that girl.
Oh, yeah. Damn, you got the iPhone, too.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. That's, yeah, yeah.
No, I love just fucking down. I'm like always downloading apps and stuff.
I'm on my phone, dude. Constantly.
Always. I'm a tech head.
I can't get enough.

Speaker 2 Do you have a phone? You have a phone? Oh, yeah, you do. That's how we started.
Damn, maybe I should, maybe we should, like, use our phones together sometime.

Speaker 2 Maybe text each other.

Speaker 2 No, I'm just no, I'm just kidding. But what's your number, though?

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I'm cool. I'm all right.
Sometimes I'll just

Speaker 2 start crying.

Speaker 2 I'm good. I'm good.
No, I'm good. I'm fucking good.
Bitch, I said, I said, I'm good. Now, do you want to get out of here or what? Do you want to fuck?

Speaker 2 Stop talking to this fucking asshole. This guy and pay attention to me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's my butta, then.

Speaker 2 Maybe I should fuck him, too.

Speaker 2 Just kidding.

Speaker 2 He's cute, though. He's cute.
He's cute. He's cute.
I'll fuck him if it makes you think I'm cool.

Speaker 2 I think he's fucking cute, though.

Speaker 2 I think he's cute.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. I mean, I don't mean it.
I don't know why.

Speaker 2 Please let me fuck you, please. Can I please have sex with you? It'll prove I'm not cat.

Speaker 2 I just want to prove I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 I'm just

Speaker 2 out here. This keeps

Speaker 2 I'm just out here tonight trying to prove I'm not gay. I'm just trying to fuck girls and I end up fucking their brothers.
You're fucking your brothers. Girls are just like, oh, of course.

Speaker 2 Just dumb.

Speaker 2 Do you think a guy's ever cried his way into pussy? You have done it. You literally fucked that girl on that mega bus.
Yeah, you fucking liar. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I literally have cried my way into pussy.

Speaker 2 I deserved it. I really deserved it that time.
Oh, you didn't. I really did.
Just that time, though. No, and then you fucked some crazy bitch that was walking her dog or something.

Speaker 2 No, not homeless girl. That she was looking for shelter.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That girl's like, I'm living outside right now. She wasn't like, do you want to come into my apartment?

Speaker 2 You literally brought a homeless girl. This man brought a woman with nowhere to go and limited options to his place.
No, no.

Speaker 2 She had a home. That's what they call a smooth criminal.

Speaker 2 Bada, bada, bada, bum, bum, ba-da-da-da-da-da. Then I

Speaker 2 And I did a little rape joke into a pussy. And I was fucking.

Speaker 2 I was doing a bit hits.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I fucking

Speaker 2 beat hits. I love that Louis C.K.
is trying to have a comeback every like two and a half weeks. And he fails, and it goes worse every time.

Speaker 2 What did he do recently? I missed it. God, I don't know what I just don't know.
That girl yelled at him at the cellar. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then there were like nine outlets who were like, she's a badass, badass queen.

Speaker 2 She's our girl boss, badass. We fucking love her, and she's our fucking hero.

Speaker 2 It's also smart. They're like, where did you get her? She got her tab covered at the cellar.
That's where did the thing. Oh, yeah, but it doesn't even need to be Louis C.K.

Speaker 2 You can go there and object to Ian Fidance. Actually, if you live in New York, literally should.

Speaker 2 If you live in New York, find out what night Ian is at the comedy cellar, go there, get a free night, and then fucking complain when he just talks about having sex with trans people.

Speaker 2 And you can just eat for free at the comedy cellar, whenever the fuck you're going to be. Yeah, they cover your tab.
They cover your tab.

Speaker 2 Honestly, go to the comedy cellar, get the wings, complain about Ian, have a nice night out of the fire. Get a picture for free.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Get a couple pictures of broods.

Speaker 2 Just the show's starting. It's a whole bunch of families from Wisconsin.
It's like, everybody, just let a trans person fuck you in the ass.

Speaker 2 Boom, Chakalaka.

Speaker 2 What are you guys doing? Just kidding.

Speaker 2 How are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 Please?

Speaker 2 Can I fuck your brother?

Speaker 2 Fuck that Ian. That guy is so.
so Ian. I bet you Ian has literally tried to fuck a woman and ended up fucking at least a male friend of hers.

Speaker 2 Well, that's going to do it, fellas. That's the show.

Speaker 2 Remember, go to patreon.com/slash come town, click report. No, don't do that.
Subscribe. If Sargon of Akkad isn't allowed to keep his magic tricks for racist stage,

Speaker 2 whoever the fuck that is,

Speaker 2 whatever he does. How can you do that? Is this your card? Yeah.
And it's just the king that says the N-word on it. This is not Kubris.
I'm being 100% accurate. We are the modern-day Mark Twain.

Speaker 2 We are Mark Twain. Yeah.
The show is Mark Twain.

Speaker 2 Suck Mule Cockmullin. So if you want to,

Speaker 2 if you want to cancel Cometown, you better be ready to cancel Mark Twain. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Author of The Sandbot,

Speaker 2 How to Lose Gold Randles. Yep.
10 Things I Hate About. The Secret.

Speaker 2 The Game.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. He didn't write the game.
He wrote the game. He was getting pussy on Louisiana steamboats by calling bitches.
Dukes of Hazard. He used to do that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're a lot like, you know, how Mel Brooks dressed up like Nazis.

Speaker 2 Right. Pizza was written in the middle.

Speaker 2 Black Knight was written by Mark Twain.

Speaker 2 Dark Knight. Originally.
Black Knight with Martin Lawrence. I mean, they changed the name.

Speaker 2 It had a real Sargon name. Let's just call it Black Gym.

Speaker 2 Let's just call it Sargon Night.

Speaker 2 Thank you to everyone who came out to see me in Ohio this past weekend. I'm coming to Pittsburgh on the 11th.

Speaker 2 Buffalo, January 12th, the next night.

Speaker 2 And then I'm in Phoenix. on January 19th.
And L.A. isn't it.
It's called P-H-E-O-N-I-S.

Speaker 2 Phoenix.

Speaker 2 Phonics. Phoenix.
So please buy tickets all that shit. Go to stavi.biz.
Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Phoenix, LA. I'm also going to Harrisburg before Buffalo, Schenectady, after Buffalo, all that shit.

Speaker 2 There's other dates. I remember typing Phoenix into the computer like nine times, P-H-E-O-N-I-X, and it kept telling me it was wrong.
And I was like, no, bitch.

Speaker 2 Screaming in my computer. Like, that doesn't make any sense.
Phoeenix.

Speaker 2 You dumb bitch. No, I'm smart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you are, dude. I know that about you, dude.
Ever see that movie, The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes? No. No.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 Kurt Russell, and he gets struck by lightning in the computer room at his college, and he's smart. Like the computer.
Oh, nice. Cool.

Speaker 2 That sounds like a worst version of how high we were. How about

Speaker 2 the computer that wore alligator shoes?

Speaker 2 You know, like

Speaker 2 and middle-aged, yeah. Like black guys.

Speaker 2 And he's like, bitch, bring that pussy over here. Let me do some math on it.
Why don't you let me crunch some numbers?

Speaker 2 That's why I call when you slide this in there, crunch them numbers up. Well, that's what that guy, John Nash, did.
He did math on pussy. Yeah, John Smash.
John Smash. Who's John Nash?

Speaker 2 A beautiful mind. Beautiful mind, dude.
He fucked.

Speaker 2 A beautiful behind, dude. Not really.
He was gay, too.

Speaker 2 He was? He fucked in bathrooms. He would go crazy.
He had schizophrenia, so you would have a schizophrenic episode and then have sex with men. Yeah, that's what a finance.
A real finance situation is.

Speaker 2 He goes finance in some bathrooms.

Speaker 2 Dirty financing is just having unprotected gay sex

Speaker 2 with a man who has diarrhea, maybe. Anyway, I'll workshop that one game.

Speaker 2 See, Ian took some huge L on Twitter a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that girl. Yeah, that girl's Dash's friend.
That's so. It was so funny.
She dragged him. Ian could be dragged every tweet.
I mean, every tweet is just

Speaker 2 the worst. Yeah, he's the worst.
He's not on Twitter

Speaker 2 by far. I wonder, real quick.

Speaker 2 He takes every position. Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 2 He's like, it's the liberals and the conservatives, man.

Speaker 2 So we're all losing our minds over here, brother. That's the thing is, like, he's like the classic shitty comedian.
Like Lewis Black? Yeah, well, no,

Speaker 2 like, have you ever considered that everybody's wrong? Except me, of course. I'm not elevated beyond this discussion that I have not thought about or haven't yet for a second.
Looked into

Speaker 2 beyond, like, I'm going to try and and write a joke about this. I can't.
Well, I guess I'll just be better at it. Well, he hasn't tweeted anything.
He's just been retweeting.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because he got owned by that girl, Kristen. Let's see what the last thing he tweeted was.

Speaker 2 Hey, gang, listen, we're all racial. The human racial.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my fucking. That's just the last thing he tweeted.
I wasn't even looking for a bad one. I saw some meat.
That's a really good one.

Speaker 2 It was like a black and white headshot of an old white guy with a white beard.

Speaker 2 He says, friend, there's only one gender, the human gender.

Speaker 2 Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Speaker 2 This is the next one. Again, I'm not even trying to pick bad ones.
Hannah Gadsby made a speech about good men calling out bad men, but they themselves not being good. Already beautiful for start.

Speaker 2 It's time to be honest. I shit with door open.
Sometimes I steal flowers from the cemetery. I hit other people's kids on subway, but I do do not catcall.
So deep down, I good man, Hannah.

Speaker 2 He doesn't do any of this. That's not a point.
And he doesn't do those things. He doesn't steal flowers from the cemetery?

Speaker 2 To what? He goes to a cemetery. That's so fucking stupid, man.
That's him. That's his idea of like bad things.
Dude, he does it.

Speaker 2 Every tweet, every time he tweets, he thinks he's Bukowski. He's awesome.
Like, he thinks he's like a subversive artist. He's so good.
Yeah. Like a drug guy.
The pen one is the best. That one.

Speaker 2 Republicans are only supposed to attack women with pen and legislation. Pen and legislation.
Pen and legislation.

Speaker 2 Fucking classic. Disaster.
That's so classic dumb. But now our fans are fucking trying to sound smart.
But now our fans are going to. No, they're not.
Whatever they are. This is the whole thing.

Speaker 2 That's like.

Speaker 2 Ian is the king of taking L's, dude. Yeah, he's the best at it.

Speaker 2 He's the best. He's successful by losing.

Speaker 2 He's like an absolute fucking tragedy. Everything about about that guy is a fucking disaster.
And it was set in motion 25 years ago. It's not his

Speaker 2 certain train yard where I'm not going to say what happened.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 But, yeah, that's just like that's Ian's thing, and that's great. I love him.
Well, everyone. I love him too.
He's hilarious, too. As a hang, he's the best.
So that's our show, everyone. Right.

Speaker 2 We'll suck you off later.