Ep. 130 – god’s country, ma’am

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All right, welcome to Come Town,

the podcast that everyone knows and loves.

How are you guys doing?

It's Adam only to make up for the last few episodes where Adam has not been on it.

The Patreon dipped about $50,000.

We're negative $10,000 right now because people were mad that I was gone.

i am legitimately down tens of thousands of dollars in cryptocurrencies so i'm making up for it by just wasting motherfuckers in red dead redemption which i would not be doing had i not lost money yes certainly taking it seriously playing video games until i die yeah i think it's a good like insight into your psyche that losing tens of thousands of dollars you kind of i've seen a calm go over you no damn damn headshot he's me he was way more mad when a bear landed on top of his hat no yeah in this game yeah well a bear

bear i fucking you break a horse and then the goddamn bears show up and great now we got lawmen coming from both sides all right man kill these lawmen and then time to put the game away no episodes have been great oh man we can't keep people can't keep playing fucking red dead the whole time people have been really into me just playing video games the entire time all right here we go nick's gonna shoot a lawnman in his head they don't deliver here

Oh, really?

That's it.

That's bullshit, dude.

They deliver to Bushwick and Bedside.

I don't understand.

Did I put the street in wrong?

Maybe you did heart.

Heart street.

I'm trying to fucking buy weed everywhere.

Damn.

Nick just did a headshot that you should be proud of.

I guess the weed delivery guy says that this street is off limits.

What the fuck, dude?

I need weed.

This is bullshit.

I actually went to the dispensary last week with my sister, the now fully legal weed dispensary in Vegas.

Vegas got weed?

And I was very disappointed because she said last time she was there, there was she had a celebrity sighting, and that celebrity was one of the property brothers.

Whoa, toking up?

Buying nug.

Buying some fucking dank nugs.

How much?

I don't know, but apparently he was with a hot girl who I can only assume is their shared wife.

I hope she was filled up.

I hope she was filled up with property too.

Yeah, they breastfeed off of that woman.

I've read about it.

Oh, God.

This is still recording?

Yeah, we're still recording.

Oh, damn, they shot the bear cap off your head, bitch.

Also, another thing I learned at the dispensary is that the band 311 has their own strain of weed, and that strain is called, and you would, you would think it's called Amber or something, right?

No, but the strain is called Beautiful Disaster.

Ah, yes.

Beautiful disaster.

Oh, that's a song?

I didn't realize it was a song.

I just thought it was just

the most famous 311 song.

No way.

Amber is the color of your energy is more famous.

Whoa.

And then the cover of that

color of my heart is

for 50 First Dates with Adam Sanders.

Oh, yeah.

Quality Flick.

They did that Cure Song cover.

Which one?

What you know that one song?

What was it called?

You know what I'm talking about?

Tuesday, I'm Sucking Dick.

No, no, not that.

Now I'm sucking dick.

Thursday, forget about it.

I'm fucking sucking cock.

I was proud of that.

I was like, am Z in.

I'm fucking gay.

Nick and I were.

The cure for heterosexuality.

Yeah, exactly.

The cure was about

gay conversion, but making everyone convert to being gay.

Yeah.

That's what the cure is.

There should be a church.

We should start a church that does that.

That makes everyone convert to being gay.

Yeah, we can.

We can call it the Church of Adam Friedland.

That would be, you know, I would, I would be everyone's gay.

No, but we make people pray away the gayest man there is.

Pray away the straight.

But in a bad way.

I didn't ask to be a clergy member, but if you need me to step up.

Whoa.

Amber is the color of my dark ass piss.

Whoa.

Damn.

I think my kidney stopped working.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

I just, I'm panicking because I forget which reads we're supposed to do this week.

Oh, okay.

You need a check.

Ah, yeah, I guess I should be.

I heard on the app that I wasn't on last week.

You guys did the reads for like an hour.

Don't worry about what happens when you're not here.

Chill out, man.

I heard it was not about you.

I heard it was really good.

Don't be hearing anything about them.

I don't know.

Just go back.

Just go about your business or we'll have to see you again.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is a brief.

My one week suspension.

De Gia.

The Dow Jones.

Dow Jones Industrial Average.

Yeah, what about it?

You know, it's De Gia.

De Gia?

D G I A.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

Looking like I'm down 400 points today.

Oh, my job?

Well, I'm what you refer to as an index.

An index is just a bunch of index.

Damn, dude.

Come on, dude.

Come on.

Come on.

That's the kind of joker that we.

Can you stop being racist, dude?

You come back from the show, and we suspended you for being racist.

We got suspended.

You got a one-week suspension for racism.

I had to go to my mom's house.

That's right.

Think about it.

And think about what you did.

And now you start back up.

Shit.

Rob.

Whoa.

I've never had sex with a woman.

Oh, it's that.

It's a whatever things I go, I will always love you.

Whatever words.

Ooh, damn, now you're taking me back, dude.

Bet DSI and Blue Chew.

Okay.

Okay.

That's a little bit of a drink.

Bring it back to the classes.

So, you guys, if you want to hear those ads, stay tuned because we got nothing going on until then.

Oh, dude, I remember that I Will Always Love You song, dude.

I'm in eighth grade.

That was a cure song, right?

Absolutely no pussy whatsoever on the horizon, just thinking about girls that would never even kiss me and thinking about how I'll always love them.

Oh, I was just watching that movie 50 First Dates, wondering if I could find a retarded girl today.

A bitch with a fucked up brain.

Did you hear it?

I don't want to say his name, but let's just

we'll call it.

Did you hear this story about?

And I don't want to, because it's like, if it's not true,

it's wildly libelous.

Yeah.

I don't remember the exact details, but yes, I have heard this story.

Unreal.

It truly is.

Unreal.

That is like the most scumbag thing I've ever seen.

Okay, well, let's just say some guy.

No, we can't even do that because if it's not true and we say that, like,

that's a level where it's like.

We can say people are saying, like, Trump, people are saying that.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

No, no, no, no.

But it's not about a real guy.

Let's stop talking about this guy.

I want to talk about something else, a different guy.

You know people will put it together.

Not even the real guy.

This is one.

he did something so heinous that I don't even want to mention it in the fear that it's not true because it's like it would destroy his life.

All right, what you have to do is take it.

You can't not say it.

I'm terribly confused.

You have to edit out the joke saying of his name.

Make sure I do that.

I will make sure

because it's also hilarious.

Yeah, he had sex with a woman with Down syndrome in the parking lot of a show of like an open mouth.

Oh my god.

Come on.

Whoa.

Retarded pussy is the sweetest pussy there is.

Whoa.

I tricked her into

my fucking car.

I mean, look of all the crazy things I've heard that shitty comics have done.

Yes.

To fuck a woman with Down syndrome.

Because she was like, you are funny.

Oh, God.

Be like, damn, you want to come out to my car?

Take her to the car.

The parking lot.

Right.

She doesn't even get to go indoors.

Take her to your fucking home, for Christ's sake, dude.

Look, man, she thought I had a good set.

There was a.

By the time she knew it was going on, it was over.

You've heard that story?

Yeah, I have.

And

what's your take on it?

I got it.

There's more detail, but I can't remember.

What more detail could there possibly be?

I think she was like hanging around.

I think he was kind of working on it.

Like, I think that was like hanging around.

He's like, you look beautiful.

Yeah, dude.

He was sober.

Like, this isn't manslaughter.

This is premeditated.

This is murder one.

Retarded pussy murder.

Yeah.

Retarded pussy one.

Whoa.

Yeah, she really liked that part where I yelled really loud.

The car is hilarious.

Damn.

Suck my dick, I am

gay.

So, boys, what's going on?

What's on the docket?

What are we going on for fucking Thanksgiving, boys, huh?

I'm in town.

I'm here.

I think I'm going back to the house.

Yeah, I was out of town last week.

I might have to.

I'm going to make, I'm going to tell everyone I know that I'm doing something with somebody else and then sit on my couch and play Red Dead Reverse.

Perfect.

The only thing I'm fucking thankful for.

I mean, honestly, this game is saving my life.

Beautiful, man.

I just, you can't fight it, man.

There's nothing I want.

I just want to eat pills and play video games.

I know.

My brother came and we hung out and i'd been kind of you know i wasn't smoking and i was trying not to eat like shit and then he came and i was like wow my brother's here i have to get high all day and eat dumplings i was gonna say you look maybe two to four pounds lighter thanks man i have you know i maybe it's the color shirt that you're gonna catch flack like i always do because we have a lot of haters really trying to turn it around i am trying to turn my life around and i will say I've had four smoothies in the last day.

I've been to Planet Fitness Astoria, okay?

Check Check my tag, you fucking haters.

It has been fucking checked in the last two days, and I spent over 25 minutes on an elliptical and stationary bike.

I'm the king of lows.

You're basically the mayor of the car.

You're the mayor on Foursquare.

100%.

Yeah, yeah.

You pay like

an African man to come vacuum me.

Yeah.

You get a maid service.

I got Pringles crumbs all over me.

Yeah.

Do you think if I hired, okay, let's say that guy vacuums you.

Do you think he would move my legs around as if I was on a bicycle?

Yeah.

And that way I don't have to actually do it myself?

You think that would help?

That would be pretty sweet.

Someone lifting the weights for you?

Yeah, damn.

I had some good things I wanted to bring to the show.

Oh, yeah, we had it.

There were some good riffs flying around before we got to it.

Some news.

I am now in contact with Savage Psycho Joe.

Oh, that's big.

Don't ruin it, dude.

Come on.

I would love to just surprise people by having him on.

And he says he will not do the show.

Nice.

Good job.

Well, he said he's going to Columbia.

He has to go to Columbia to train

models and import

maggots, George.

I'm going to Columbia.

You think he would train me?

Maybe that's what I need.

Yeah.

I need Savage Psycho Choke.

Nick fired up Red Dead again, by the way, guys.

God, I couldn't resist.

Just letting you know.

I just literally.

Is it five minutes?

I can't help myself.

It's like the number one sign that I shouldn't start drinking again.

It's like, I just can't stop myself.

Yeah, I mean,

you put a bag of Reese's miniatures in front of me.

If I have one of those,

guess who's going to see the mayor of Reese's town?

Guess who's going?

Mr.

Mullen's going to Washington.

Mr.

Mullen goes to

Washington.

The Pentagon to try and have sex with some of those children from the pizza place.

Yeah.

That'd be funny to go there and just start raping the male employees at gunpoint.

Is this what it feels like?

Man broke into Comet Ping Pong Pizza and raped every employee at gunpoint.

Three Honduran bus boys were raped at gunpoint.

Oh, fuck.

Like, bus boy is a funny word, you know?

Yeah.

It sounds like if

child porn was legal, there would be a website called Bus Boys.

Bus Boys.

Yep.

Just running a train on them.

Uh-huh.

Everyone takes a ride on the bus.

Hop in.

Choo-choo.

I'm gay.

Everyone fuck this boy's ass.

What the fuck, dude?

I'm sorry, though.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry you're wanted, dead or alive, in those territories, man.

I gotta pay an $85 bounty.

Fuck, I'm sorry, man.

That's fucking gay, dude.

I agree.

I did nothing wrong except murder that family.

It'd be so sweet if you could murder a police officer and you just pay $85.

That would be tight.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Damn.

I don't have another save either.

Shit.

Shit, dude.

You're fucked.

Shit.

You better stop playing for now.

No, we're just gonna keep going.

We're gonna figure this out.

Oh, fuck.

Okay.

What kind of pies do you guys like?

Pumpkin or sweet potato?

Or do you go some kind of pecan situation?

I like a fruit pie.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Shut

up.

I slear.

I said that on purpose.

Fucking fruit.

No, no, I like

a man cum pie.

No, that's not a fruit.

Yeah, it is.

Whatever.

Adam, you eat man pum pie pie?

You can't make a pie out of that.

Yes, you can.

How did you get enough man's cum?

You do?

You have eight.

You're holding eight full-size man-cum pies in your hand right now.

That is fucking.

Isn't he, Nick?

Yeah.

Probably less than that.

Yeah, you have a bunch of cum in your pants that you're

Yeah, that's an additional camera.

I'm not drinking out of my pockets.

You have a camel back.

You have a crazy straw going into your pants.

And it's drinking a bunch of other guys' cum out.

Yep.

I drink your semen.

I don't know why you'd be doing it.

I don't know why you'd be doing something like that.

Yeah.

Damn, I'm just trying to get to the post office to pay this bounty, and now I've already wanted to do it.

I've killed another man by accident.

Oh, no.

They're investigating.

I've ran over him with my horse.

Shit, you think you're going to get rid of it?

I don't know, dude.

I've fucked up so much.

This is sort of like real life.

You know?

You do one crime, and then that's how they get you in the system.

And once they get

these young men and they put them in the system.

And then, you know, you go into you go, you do a weekend in jail for shoplifting.

You get out.

What do you have to do next?

Start raping people.

Yep.

And it's not even your fault.

That's just that's called being institutionalized.

Yeah.

That's like that guy, that old guy that hung himself from

Shawshank.

He just couldn't stop raping, and that's why he killed himself.

They want me to pay another $20 now because that fucking asshole ran in front of my horse.

This is just like taxes, dude.

You have to pay taxes in this game?

Well, it's technically a tax to ride your horse at the kind of speed I'd enjoy

as a man of the as a man of speed.

That's right.

As a fast boy.

Good to see you.

All right.

Pay bounty here.

You pay a bounty for yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, you clear your good name.

You could just get, you can commit a crime and then pay your way out of it.

Yeah, you can pay your way out of it.

That's great.

The free market.

That's capitalism.

I mean, it kind of is.

It literally is.

That was great when you used to be able to buy your way out of going to the Civil War.

You're like, oh, no, it makes sense.

God damn.

And it does make sense to me, honestly.

You think the rich should be exempt from military service?

Yeah, but the way we do it now, where we don't have a draft anymore, we just force poor people into the military by not giving them options.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree generally, I guess.

Damn, what a gay ass country.

Yeah.

And it's the best one, and it sucks.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe we should just go.

Maybe we should go to fucking Kuwait or Paris.

What were you saying?

Paris.

Paris?

You want to move to Paris?

No.

I would feel like I would get kicked out of Paris pretty quickly.

Why would you get kicked out of it?

Because I keep saying N-words in Paris.

Oh, everybody.

Bum-bum.

You'd be going up the Caribbean, guys, and be like, who led these?

I'm like, no, it's a song.

And there's so many black people in there, too.

There's a lot.

There's a lot.

Yeah, who led these?

It's like, oh, look, I didn't understand what the song was about.

I thought the song was for guys like me.

You could do a whole series of those, you know?

N-words in Rome.

You know,

oh, it's just different cities.

Yeah, different places.

The N-word.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, then, where do we relocate?

America ain't it, sis.

Oh,

next.

Yeah.

As a trio, where do we go to start our lives over?

Mogadishu, Somali.

The three Busketeers.

Where do the three Busketeers go?

Where do we find D'Artagnan and fuck his ass?

The three

Elon Musk.

Elon Musketeers.

Yeah, the

Thrilon Musketeers.

The Thrilons Musketeers.

And we have to Dartes Lian.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Dartesley.

Dartes Liam

Dartez-Liam Neeson

stars

in the

Elon Musketeers.

He plays all three Musketeers?

Yeah.

So take that, President Beavis.

Just someone with like a giant brain tumor trying to go out to the president.

it just doesn't make any sense no calling him beevis is good though no somebody had a tweet because trump tweeted they were like nice to see uh little uh r democrat or you know democrat yeah shit adam

that was hilarious and then somebody responded they were like hey president bevis it's adam shiff

you think and it's like you this he will rule forever bevis as in beevis and butthead yeah it's which is like such a weak diss.

I know.

In response to Adam shit.

The president is great.

What is he?

A Congressman?

A Congressman's name.

The guy's spelling it shit.

Yeah, and he kept the SCA

for the plausible deniability.

Yeah, it's very funny.

Yeah.

It is a good bit.

Yeah.

Great bit.

Adam is funny, everyone.

He does it again.

Yeah.

No, he rules, dude.

The thing he said about how Finland rates

between they sweep and their forests.

And the guy, the president from Finland's like, I don't know what he's talking about.

Like, we have no idea what he's talking about.

We don't sweep our forests.

We just, like, we're under snow half the year.

That's why we don't have fucking full forest fires.

They sweep all that shit up.

Dude, yeah, he's the best.

I love him.

I don't know how you can't.

Yeah.

I don't know how you can.

What kind of brain damage you have to have to not be completely in love with this person?

Absolutely.

To find no faults.

And Red Dead is back, everyone.

To find no faults.

Dude, everything that, like, every time he insults something that people think is a serious institution, like, he gave Sheldon Adelson's wife the Presidential Medal of Freedom for no reason.

This is hilarious.

Like, he hasn't.

Oh, yeah.

People are mad.

He hasn't visited the troops yet.

Like, he just doesn't care.

Yeah.

He just makes everything that's fake that we care about just look like.

He gave the Medal of Honor to Babe Ruth too.

And Elvis.

Posthumously.

Wait, wait, he gave the Medal of Honor to Elvis.

Elvis and Babe Ruth.

Yeah.

He's like, we're going to get Elvis.

Sheldon Adelson's wife.

Babe Ruth.

Sheldon Adelson's wife, Elvis, and Babe Ruth.

I didn't know about Elvis.

Yeah.

And he was like, when he was talking about Babe Ruth, he was like, not a lot of people know.

He used to be a pitcher.

Everyone knows that.

That's true.

Literally everyone knows that.

And he used to make a lot of people know that.

Yeah, that he, I love him.

Yeah.

Look, Juice, we got two guys just hanging out.

Uh-oh.

Do you just come upon two guys walking towards the woods together?

They're cruising.

They're definitely cruising.

I'm just fucking with you guy.

Dude, oh, they just threatened Nick with murder.

Why antagonize them?

Well, what are you going to do about it, man?

Stomp them with your horse.

You're going to let those two guys about to hook up.

Last warning, dude.

Yeah, I know.

I antagonized him.

Wow.

I love antagonizing people.

You're a rude guy, man.

I know.

I love that you can be rude in this game.

That's an option is being rude to people.

Mail a rude letter to your mother.

Mail

a picture of your dick to your mom.

You guys ever accidentally accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom?

Of course.

Everyone's done that.

Plus, accidentally.

Yeah, you might as well do it, Adam.

I've on purpose sent a dick pic to both of your moms.

Yeah, really?

I sent a dick pic to Charlie's

Charlie's there in the room.

No, different Charlie's.

You don't know her.

She lives in Canada.

Lying about inventing a woman.

You sent an unsolicited dick pic to

making a girl up.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've forced a girl to look at my penis.

You don't know her.

She goes to a different school.

Yeah, there's a girl I like.

You don't know her.

There's a girl I think is hot.

You don't know her.

Yeah, there's a woman I'm attracted to.

You've never even heard of such a woman.

Jump off this bridge, dude.

I should be real.

Fuck it.

Jump off, dude.

Jump off, bro.

Yes.

Damn.

damn a fitting end yeah an end you deserve i'm really pissed off i had to pay that fine sorry man that fucking sucks dude a hundred dollars that's a lot of money back then dude i was that's like 80 million dollars now for doing nothing wrong

damn

damn a quarter must you must have been rich with a quarter dude yeah you could have so much sex back then if you had a full quarter if you flipped a coin that was a big dick move move.

Could you imagine, dude, if we flipped with $100 rules?

Can you imagine having sex?

Yes, I do it often.

I imagine it.

I would love to have sex.

I would love to experience that at some point in my life.

I think I'd like to have sex soon as well.

Yep.

The more I think about it.

In fact, I would like to place a bet on

how much of you want to have sex.

God damn.

Finally.

Break time.

We're finally ready to clock out

all this hard podcasting

to talk about my favorite website, betsi.com,

dude.

I love it personally.

Yeah, they've been in business over 20 million years

since the dinosaurs.

Back when the dinosaurs took a big gamble on whether or not

they could stop.

Yeah, a lot of people don't know this, but I'm what you refer to as a uh

some type of one of these weird new types of Christians to think that the Jews in the Bible are actually dinosaurs.

Which they are.

In the Old Testament, the dinosaurs were actually the original reptilian Jews

that we all know about now as you know controlling everything.

But they

all

would bet

in the temple, which God was mad about.

But some of the Jews would bet on betsi.com, which was actually back in, it was in business back then.

Wow.

It's been in business that long.

It was 20 million years.

That's incredible.

It was the only website, and

that's why to this day it's no Jews allowed.

Bet DSI does allow Jews.

That was

a German company.

And a lot of people think that's the reason that they have explicit anti-blogging.

Move on to talking about the ad.

Move on to the Lord.

It's German.

Start talking about the copy, please.

They've been in business over 20 years, and they do allow Jews in

Now they do.

Now they do.

Yeah.

We wrote a strongly worded letter.

I was like, listen up, you fucking poo.

You threatened to.

They're like, wow, these are pretty strong words.

We bet

what do you think I'll position on the dinosaurs?

I guess it has been 20 million years.

Bet the SI is the premier sportsbook betting website.

It is.

You go there, you play BetWin.

They got a mobile app that's easy to use.

Awesome customer service.

Gamble anywhere, 24-7 customer service.

Call them up anytime, any fucking place.

Uh-huh.

Anywhere.

Call them up in the library.

And if they shut you, you'd be like, bitch.

Shut the fuck up.

Bitch.

I'm on the phone.

I'm talking about my bet.

I'm on the goddamn phone.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, you 65-year-old bitch.

Fuck you.

I'm on the phone.

I'm on the fucking phone, bitch.

I'm on the phone.

I'm on the phone

in the library.

That's where I make my fucking calls.

Because it's fucking quiet in here, you dumb bitch.

Because I don't want to be interrupted by loud ass people on the fucking street.

That's why I come in here to call Beth the SI's customer service department 24-fucking seven.

i don't give a shit the library closed 10 minutes ago you can suck my fucking dick i'm calling customer service at bet the si.com

so cheap they got a good ass history of paying winners and picking up the motherfucking phone they love phone calls call them up they offer live in-game wagering yes so you can fucking you can change your mind which i love doing hedge on a bet i hate i hate making the decision yep

Nothing worse than crypto is failing now.

Take your money out.

Shut the fuck up.

What do you mean you're doing the read, man?

Take your money out and put it on betdsi.com.

No, it's also like I'm what you call an influencer.

So I'll say this:

buy now.

Yeah.

Buy what?

But now is the time to buy cryptocurrency more than ever.

Look, and fuck that Coinbase shit.

Don't go in there and spend $145 on Ethereum.

No.

You come to me, I'll sell it to you.

Buy it from Nick directly.

Buy from me directly.

I'll fucking OTC you that shit for $250 each.

Easy.

That way you're paying.

That's how you know you're getting the good shit.

That's right.

Cheap out and you buy the cheap Ethereum, you're a fucking idiot.

No, Nick's got the pro the

emotion.

I got some fucking bags to dump on you if you want.

That's right.

But don't do that.

First, first go to betdsi.com and lose all your money there.

And to make all your money.

Make all your money.

Make a lot of money.

Reminder, it is literally impossible to lose yeah yeah it's very possible to lose

jews are allowed and it's possible to lose

so when you sign up make sure you use promo code cum120 so they know we sent you

and when you sign up you've got some options you can either play and cash out or you can take the bonus dollar something i love that which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables that's so true imagine getting money someone just a big tittied fucking bitch.

Huge.

You can see her nipples one of them.

Just

the world, there's just a nice, like, fluid route.

Every step.

It's like a water bed.

Yeah, you think a T-Rex is fucking.

You have to be very quiet.

Don't make it.

Don't make a move.

Don't touch your titty.

You'll come in your pants if you make a noise.

This is the world's most perfect big, shaky tits.

Love it.

And she walks up to you and she's like, here's some money, sweetheart.

And And then you're like, Oh, God, what's wrong with you?

And she's like, I've been with a lot of men.

There's a lot of cum on my Thompson.

Yeah, it's like, damn.

So it's going to be good, but I'll never be able to have feelings for you.

And that's a little lesson for you.

What do we call the win-win around here?

You know, you think, like, look, we've learned not to slut shame you out loud, but hey, if you think we're sticking around, are we still doing that?

Yeah.

Trust me.

We are not sticking around.

Anyways, betthesi.com.

You take the bonus money, which is like.

Get that bitch that Nick's not sticking around with.

Yeah.

We're not sticking around for that bitch.

But I'll tell you who's sticking around.

Bet the SI, because they've been in business over 20 years paying out winners.

So if you're going to be in the sports book, which is where we like to gamble.

We love to gamble.

We love gambling in the sports book.

Use promo code CUM120.

Up to $1,000.

They're going to give you 60% bonus cash, which which would turn $1,000 into $1,600 to play with.

So once again, that's betthesi.com.

Come 120.

Let's start the show.

I'm going to read that every time.

I love reading that part.

I feel like Lewis.

Bet the Ravens.

Lamar Jackson.

I'll tell you what, David.

I'll tell you what, Doggy.

Oh, yeah, you guys got your picks.

Yeah, Bet the Ravens, Lamar.

The Lamar era is here.

Flat Gabes games out the door.

Flat games old news.

And then continue to bet the Milwaukee Bucks.

Giannis is a juggernaut.

Fuck the whole team.

Yep.

Etc., suck cetera.

Fuck me.

Eat my pussy.

Get hedera.

Get hedera, dude.

Etc.

get hetera.

I

love fucking and eating, but

all the time.

I just came in my pants tonight.

It must have been from getting hit.

I just came in my pants tonight.

She sucked my dick through my pants.

I wish I had never had sex.

It'd be nice if I had just never fucked, and then I could delude myself into thinking I was pretty good at it.

Like being a race car driver.

I'll never do that.

So I get to sit here and think, like, yeah, I'd probably be pretty good at that.

Imagine if you just never fucked.

You'd be like, yeah, I'd be like, dude, I'm awesome at fucking.

No, you would not.

Bro, my God.

You would want to hang yourself 24-7.

Yeah.

Nah, I already would.

You'd be terrified of sex.

It would be worse, dude.

Believe me.

As a man who didn't fuck till late in life.

Yeah.

And who now is making up time.

Yeah.

But that never ends.

I know.

It sucks.

I know.

I should probably look for a meaningful relationship.

But in the meantime,

you're going to get tired of fucking, and then you're going to try and have a meaningful relationship, and you realize none of these women want to be with you.

That's not true.

It's absolutely true.

Don't try and drag me into it.

No, no, Nick's right.

They're just in it for your body.

Beautiful body.

Yeah, yeah.

People want to be.

Incredible cough.

5.75.

Kind of.

Not all dumb like that.

Women are like, you know, you just got to try everything.

Listen, bro, if someone wants to check fat, bald, and toothless off their chest, DM me.

However, I still think I have a lot to offer, and I am a good partner, and I will have a meaningful relationship with plenty of therapy.

I will work through my issues.

And I will be there.

And there will be a day where I wear a nice, cozy sweater, and my wife has a similar one.

And our family comes over and we all hug and everyone's happy.

But until then, I'm going to be fat, bald, and toothless.

And I'm going to suck on nipples through my tooth hole.

But then you're going to be skinny and have hair and stuff?

I might have hair.

When you get that sweater.

If the plugs are good.

I mean, I'm probably going to be.

Listen, I'm going to be a little fat for the rest of my life, obviously.

But I don't want to be this fat forever.

I'd like to be slightly less fat than this.

Big arms, no titties.

That's all.

A little tummy.

You would actually sort of start looking like Savage Psycho Joe if you let him train you.

I want to be trained by him.

I would love to be one of his clients.

He needs to, after Columbia, he needs to come here.

Absolutely.

This crypto shit is hilarious.

Are people killing it?

There are people losing so much goddamn money, which is like that.

that's usually, I mean, I said jokingly, this is the time to get in, but like, I think about it.

In the years prior, the best times to buy were when you would see nothing but like people posting the suicide hot ride over.

Right, right, right.

That's when you know the market's bottomed, is when people are like, please don't kill yourself, man.

Please

buy my Bitcoin off me before killing yourself.

Help me get rid of this fucking poison.

Is the Silk Road still around?

No, no, dude.

That was years ago.

It got shut down.

Were you buying drugs on the internet?

The Bitcoin used to be a thing that were people were like, oh, yeah, there's a lot of value in that pretend money to buy child porn and drugs with.

And then it was like,

you know, oh, well, the value is going to go up once it's legitimized or whatever.

And then Silk Road went away.

That kind of crashed the price a little bit.

This exchange got hacked around the same time.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

That was an issue.

But yeah, I did that.

But it's like now Bitcoin has zero utility.

It was, it's like the only people talking about Bitcoin or any kind of fucking cryptocurrency, they'll like pretend like they give a shit about the project and use the language of like, you know, I really believe in this project.

And it's like, how many other companies are you invested in?

How many companies are you legitimately invested in?

Or are you just tricking yourself into thinking you're not waiting to just dump the fucking bags on somebody else?

It's It's entirely just gambling and hoping that there's going to be another rush of like idiots trying to get rich quick, and then you just con them, right?

Wait, what is it?

So you literally cannot use it for anything?

You can, but it's like, it's slow.

I think it's not.

It's ATM in Manhattan.

The thing is, it's like, people are like, oh, it's decentralized.

And some of them are private.

And it's like Facebook and social media proves that people don't actually give a shit about privacy.

Nobody fucking cares.

The only thing that matters is convenience.

So for like

regular people, the only thing they care about is the convenience of it.

And it's like nobody's ever going to see Bitcoin as like something that has its own value separate from the dollar.

They don't even do that with like Forex markets, really.

I mean, like...

You think about, you know, it's like translating something to a second language in your fucking head.

We're in Australia.

We're in Japan.

I'm not thinking about how much yen things cost.

I'm like,

what's the dollar equivalent of this?

So

any idea that like crypto would be used purely as a currency is like a stupid idea.

Even like the ones that are strictly currencies, they were designed to be used as currencies.

Like, I think nano and some other shit are just like those are taken.

Is that one named after your dick?

No, it's my the one named after my dick is uh

it's got double nano?

No, micro nano.

What's I I'm trying to think of a name that sounds like a crypto name but implies that I had sex with your mom.

Good luck, bitch.

Yeah, that sounds pretty specific.

Yeah.

Anyways, it's that.

No, I think Nano is named after you.

I know, I'm heavily invested in Invenetia.

In Venetia?

That is.

Yeah, yeah.

There it is.

Did you see that movie, Finding Nano?

It was about Nick trying to find his dick.

He's trying to find his dick.

He has to swim around the ocean and look for his little ass dick.

Like, where'd it go?

Nano?

Why is your impression of me just a more Adam version of yourself?

Because it was.

Here I am.

Here's me.

The dad in Finding Nemo was Elliot Gould,

I believe.

No, I don't think it was.

It wasn't?

It wasn't.

Elliot Gould is too old, dude.

Yeah, you can't.

No, you know who it was?

It wasn't Elliot Gould.

No, no, no.

It was fucking

Steve

Carell.

No.

Gutenberg.

Steve Gutenberg.

No, no way.

He's retired.

No, it was Gutenberg.

Look it up, bitch.

Oh, no.

He's not retired.

Fucking...

Look it up.

Shut the fuck up.

Why are you going to tell me to shut up?

Just shut up.

Oh, man.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I'm on the fucking phone, bitch.

At the library.

I'm at the phone, you dumb bitch.

I'm at the fucking library making a phone.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, bitch.

That fucking rules.

Telling a librarian to shut up.

Shut up.

Fuck you.

Go fuck yourself.

They call a customer service department.

Oh, I got it wrong.

Nemo was played by someone named Alexander Gould.

Oh, so you read it, bitch?

You didn't know it intuitively?

Damn, that's weird that you forgot which one of your cousins played Nemo.

Which one of the Gould brothers?

Yeah.

And Gutenberg was the dad, right?

No, the dad was...

Was the dad Crush?

No, Crush was the turtle.

Who was Steve Gutenberg?

What was the name of the dad?

How about Steve Eaton turds?

That's good.

Yeah.

These are good turds.

Damn, these are great turds.

These are really good turds.

Hey, Tom Selleck.

Hi, I'm Chinese actor Michael Douglas.

Would you like some of these turds?

Oh, it was Albert Brooks.

I was thinking of the wrong old Jews sound the same.

I was thinking the Burg and Albert Brooks sound the same.

I was thinking of the wrong old Jew.

Whatever, dude.

Nehel.

I was closer.

Woo, the the gay actor, Michael Douglas.

He's in a new movie on Netflix that looks like

fucking amazingly funny.

Like the guy from Two and a Half Men wrote it, Chuck Lorry.

Really?

Yeah.

Chuck Laurie's writing books or movies now.

He's writing books now?

Damn.

It's him and Emily.

It's a show called Two and a Half Inches, and it's about Adam growing his dick to the size

of your dick?

Of two and a half inches.

Yeah, it's about Adam growing his dick to the size of your current dick.

It's about you guys putting your dicks together to equal one of my dick.

You admit your dick is two and a half inches.

It's all relative, you fucking idiot.

Now you guys get your size.

By the way, my dick is two and a half inches, and Adam's dick is zero inches.

So our dicks are the same size.

If it's zero inches, then it's no dick.

You know what?

Exactly.

Give me at least 0.0001.

Obviously, you don't understand how values work.

Yeah, you don't understand.

You can't say to a woman that she has a small dick if she doesn't have a dual ball.

You could if you wanted to.

No, it's not small.

It doesn't exist.

You could if you wanted to.

Yours are flat.

Your dick looks like it's drawn on your pubic bone

from the forward perspective.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your dick comes out as much as

you can.

Your dick comes out as much as lead comes out on paper after you've written something.

Your dick is contour.

So it's basically two-dimensional.

Adam has a YouTube channel where he's like, okay, today we're going to contour a dick.

We're going to draw my dick.

Drawing it onto his balls.

It's just

time-lapse of him drawing a dick onto his balls.

I think that would be an incredibly powerful painting.

This is Adam doing a makeup tutorial.

For men in the community, men who have lost their penis.

Yeah, I'm

part of the dickless community in San Francisco.

The dickless community.

I'm actually part of the dickless community.

That would make sense.

I've long said that guy shouldn't have a penis.

That character?

Yeah.

Oh, here's these guys again.

You should fuck them up, dude.

The guys go to the forest to talk.

Yeah, the guys are having a conversation out in the woods.

Those guys are so totally crucial.

A couple of brothers having some brother chat.

I guess it would be easy to have gay sex in the old west.

Yeah.

I want to do, you know what we should do after this?

Get some lav mics.

We can watch No Country Country for Old Men

and just

be shocked at the gay sex.

Like, what?

Oh, what?

Wait, is there gay sex in No Country?

No.

Are you thinking of Broke Back Mountain?

I am thinking of Brokeback Mountain.

Broke Back Mountain.

Or you know what I should do is take Hell or High Water and edit in scenes from Broke Back Mountain.

Hell or High Water rocked, by the way.

Yeah, that movie was great.

That movie ruled.

It's almost as good as my favorite movie, Beauty and the Beast.

That's your favorite movie.

They're very similar.

In what sense?

Oh, this guy needs help.

He's going to try and rob me.

He'll put a shigad out on him.

The shoddy in his face.

Uh-oh.

This guy's trying to rob Nick.

Let's see what he's doing.

He's a scammer?

Yeah, maybe.

He's acting like he's sad, but he's trying to rob him.

Nick's character is pulling his pants down.

And he's on all fours.

Yeah, my character is sucking a dick.

I'll lead the man to strawberry.

What if your penis tasted like a strawberry?

Would you suck it?

Or would you at least take your finger and take juices and

do one of those?

Adam, you first.

Adam, you can't use the phone while I'm playing video games.

I was just, yeah.

Come on, man.

I just, Adam, answer my question.

Adam, we got cutscenes.

This dumb guy I went to college with has written three movies, and he's sending it to my friend to get his opinion on.

And so we're all, I'm very excited to read his movies.

Yeah.

But answer my question.

What's the question?

If your dick tastes like a strawberry, would you suck it?

Or at the very least, would you run your finger across the head and then put your finger in your mouth to get a little bit of the flavor?

I mean, why not?

There's really no, there's no.

I don't know.

There's no, what's the, what's the, if you're the bad part of that scenario.

Also, it would probably be warm, which is not the way you typically interact in the strawberry.

I've gotten head, like, I've I've gotten tipped before in a self-suck scenario when I was younger and more limber.

I don't think I could do it anymore.

Yeah.

Also, it was weird to have a penis in my mouth.

Well, not for you.

The first time it was, yeah, but you've gotten used to it since.

Right?

What do you mean?

Nick, would you suck your own dick if it tastes like strawberries?

It's not a good hypothesis.

My own dick if it tasted like strawberries.

Yes.

Thank you.

I would suck my own dick if it tasted like

shit of another man's ass, which you do a lot.

Well, you got to clean it.

You got to clean it off.

Ah,

boys, boys, boys.

Boys, boys, boys.

Damn, you know what tomorrow is, right?

What?

It's Thursday.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Great day to buy some boots.

Wait,

isn't Thursday?

I thought it was a great day

to chew things.

No, it's not, actually.

Oh.

What?

We already chewed things for

two days this month.

Okay.

Oh, that's all we get?

Wow, I love Thursday boots.

Do we have a boot company now?

Yes.

Yeah, you fucking asshole.

Of course we do.

Not only do we, we're all wearing them right now, and our feet feel great and they're very comfortable.

Yeah.

Isn't that right, Adam?

Yeah, I'm wearing them right now.

That's right.

Thursday boots, you fucking asshole.

Why don't you just wait until I say the thing instead of...

I was just, I didn't know we had.

Come on, man.

Yes, you did, because you're wearing them, right?

I'm wearing them right now, yeah.

They offered

free boots or whatever, and I was like, I'll send Adam down to pick out a pair because Adam likes boots.

Yeah, he likes them.

I have those

shoes, those boots are ready.

I got to get rid of clothes, actually.

I just got rid of a bunch.

And you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to throw out all my clothes and get more boots.

And I'm going to go around completely nude.

Because Thursday boots guarantees you will not be arrested arrested if you walk around nude in their boots.

Thursday boots does not guarantee you.

No, trust me, this brand new sponsor that we have that will probably listen to this ad.

That is, yeah.

The brand new sponsor, they want you to know Thursday boots are so warm that if you go outside completely naked, not only will you not get cold, it'll make your dick look bigger.

It'll make

Thursday boots the two main selling points is these boots.

What we're leading off with.

Yeah.

It'll make your dick look bigger.

And you can walk around nude in them, and they'll keep you warm.

Yep.

They'll keep your whole body warm.

Whole body warm.

In fact, Thursday Boots has a new program now where if you buy one pair of boots, they'll match it by giving 19 pairs to homeless men willing to be completely nude.

Completely nude.

Dick is running in a big-looking dick.

Just chunky.

That is.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah.

Just a dick looking like a big old pile of vomit.

And people are like, damn, that guy's dick is ugly, but those are some nice boots.

And he's like, can I go inside, please?

Mister, I was wondering if you had any inside for a man like me.

I say to him, well, you're going to have to take those boots off in the house.

He's like, I'm going to stay out here with my pile of vomit dick, thank you.

With my chunky-looking boots.

Because it's Thursday and I'm wearing my Thursday boots.

So chunky.

A lot of people want to know where the name of the company comes from.

Yes.

Our sponsor, Thursday Boots, AdRead starting now.

Yeah.

Where does it come from?

If anyone is listening from the company, I love Thursday Boots.

Tell us about it.

No, it's actually in the time, Nick.

It's actually in the copy.

The brand started in 2014, and the name Thursday came about because on Thursday you work hard, but it's also the unofficial start of the weekend.

That is true.

Bitch, I'm fucking rich.

Thursday, Thursday.

It's been the weekend for me since 1995.

Yep.

You know what I'm saying?

Since your family won that lawsuit from that guy that molested you.

Since I was molested by Bam Margera and I took all of his staple.

It's been a tough time for Bam.

Check mate.

Come on, Judge.

Yo, I'm Bam, and this is Touch a Little Boy's Penis.

It was about that time that Jackass took a turn for the worse.

Yep.

Bam Margera getting the show canceled.

You're watching the history of Jackass.

Is there a promo code or something?

Sex lies, Steve.

This is for sure the last read they ever did.

No, no, no, no.

They're cool.

No, they are legitimately cool.

They're cool.

It's a cool company, and they're good boots.

It seems like, for real, a lot of people are wearing them.

Hell yeah.

I went to my cousin's birthday, and I was going to, because, you know, I think we get like a hookup or whatever.

Nice.

And

I was just going to fucking be a cheapscape and just get my cousin free boots or whatever from the company.

But he had already bought boots from them.

Damn.

Yeah.

So that's why you're talking about

his boots.

And then my aunt bought him a gift certificate to this company.

So I guess people

are getting out.

Yeah,

everybody knows.

And now everybody who listens to Come Town is going to get a brand new pair of fucking boots.

For their birthday.

If you fucking pieces of shit sit here and laugh at the ad and you don't purchase the boots, you're the reason.

We're going to fucking call the police on this.

You're fucking listening to this show for free and don't buy the products.

That's stealing.

This is emotional labor.

Yes.

Thursday boots are built for men and women who understand quality.

And non-binary.

Which sounds like, yeah.

And non-binary.

And non-binary.

And trans.

Thursday boots are built for men and women.

And,

you know, if you're in the middle of getting shit cut out or put on, you're getting your shit cut up,

getting

their cut.

That's what I call it.

Wow, Nick.

Have you said that before?

Wow, that's good.

Yeah, I just got to go in to get my there cut.

A little bit of that.

Yeah, a lot of people get a circumcision.

I got a circumcision.

You know,

that's where they're that beautiful circumcision.

Wow, it's the craftsmanship on the old chopped-up.

And in New Orleans, getting my circumcision.

Yes, sir.

I've been here at LaFour Plantation for 280 years.

They bring the slaves by, and I perform the Socom Sujon.

Please buy Thursday Boots.

I like that guy.

He's like a Louisiana man who comes from a long line of guys who would circumcise slaves.

That's his family's.

My name is Pierre Socom Suzion.

And I'm here for Thursdayboots.com.

Made in the same North American manufacturing facilities as the heritage brands your parents and grandparents wore that sell for two or three times the price.

Oh, so I guess, yeah, I don't know.

That's just that good shit.

Yeah.

They're better value, better materials.

You get the good shit.

Like the famous Chrome XL leather from the Horween Tannery in Chicago.

I'm sure that's like a part of

their copy that they want read.

Yeah.

Chrome XL leather from Horrowen Town.

I'm sorry.

Isn't every Halloween Horrowen these days?

Yeah.

The way these bitches got their titties out, it is.

Yeah.

I'll tell you that much.

Which reminds me more about it.

I'm still enjoying calling the women's march the slut walk.

It's good.

It's good.

Okay.

It's a good thing to do.

Anyways, prices start at $149, and they got free shipping and returns.

Love it.

Thursday Boots are the best buy for this winter.

With their clean, timeless design and durability, Thursday boots will keep you.

Get this fucking shit out of my fucking face.

Sorry, Google Docs was giving me a fucking asshole.

I hate it.

Where the fuck was I with these my own words?

Where was I, as I was about to say,

spontaneously read words out of my own fucking

out of my own brain.

A lot of people don't know, but I actually think in Mandarin Chinese.

And I have to furiously just write out everything that I'm thinking into English.

It's unbelievable to watch him work.

Yeah.

Including this thing that he's doing right now.

Right.

He's saying that all these words.

I'm also playing harpsichord behind my back.

You can't hear it.

I have it muted.

It's beautiful, though.

I can see the way his fingers move.

You get

gliding across the close.

Yeah, well,

if I'm doing a harpsichord and translating, sometimes I mess it up.

Price is starting at $149 and free shipping returns.

Thursday boots are the best buy for this winter.

And with their clean, timeless design and durability,

Thursday boots will keep you standing comfortably for years to come.

And you know what?

They're good for sitting, too.

Oh, yeah.

Sitting on your face.

Sitting on your shoes?

Sit on my face while wearing a pair of Thursdays.

They're doing that.

They're doing that.

Yeah.

Sit on stop.

Oh,

they make belts.

I guess they don't do sales or discounts.

So their profit margins are probably pretty low considering these materials.

That's the good shit.

But if you go to Thursdayboots.com/slash town,

yeah, I don't, I guess,

they definitely had somebody buying the ad, and then they didn't want.

They were like, what's the name of it?

Town, yeah.

It's Thursdayboots.com slash town and get free shipping and returns.

That's great.

So

use the link.

Yeah, use that one.

Anyways, no, I mean, I do, you know, Mac Weldon has good underwear, and Thursday Boots is good shoes.

Blue tips.

Good dick pills.

Yeah, genuine, genuine endorsement we're real customers of these things yeah i mean i legitimately no yeah i've seen them shits around for real i i do i do care about quite adam being a bitch and trying to ruin the ad at the beginning yeah i apologize for that aside these are wonderful products these are wonderful products but i just did look at their website

they look at

and they also have a bunch of products you could take care of your boots and leathers and yeah adam's proud of the expensive boots that he stole from like a black lost and found or something a couple years ago.

It was in my apartment building.

Exactly.

And it wasn't a gentrifying.

What do you mean a black and family?

Would you gentrify?

What do you mean I was gentrifying?

Some Caribbean boys could have been wearing those boots, man.

Those boots were bought by Lost and Found for black people.

We'll see about that.

What does it mean to lost and

you have a box?

It just says black lost and found is just completely empty.

Oh, fuck.

I was laughing the other day about Black Synagogue.

Uh-huh.

You know, people say Black Church is so fun.

Yeah.

Like, I would love to go to Black Synagogue.

And they're like, Yeah, just waiting to collect that rent money.

Can't wait to get my hang on that money.

Collecting the rent.

Good lord, please bring me the rent so I can hang all about X-Bar coupons.

Just people clapping.

And who gave us these coupons?

The good Lord gave us these coupons.

Good times, easy credit rip-offs.

How is it like the idea of a black church where they only sing the theme songs to black TV shows?

Easy credit rip-offs, good times.

Ain't we happy we got them?

A Miller Boy Ed Production.

As we'd say, ladies and gentlemen, Black Church is a Miller Boy Ed production filmed in front of a live studio audience.

God damn.

I would love to go to Black Synagogue.

Yeah.

Black Synagogue would be pretty damn funny.

Get in the building condemned.

Get in the building condemned.

I was telling Nick earlier today, but I was stuck in line at the supermarket a couple days ago behind this guy arguing arguing that his coupon wouldn't scan, and it took about 10 minutes for him to save 50 cents

on a gallon of ice cream.

50 cents.

And he's like, if you're going to print the coupons, you're making a promise to the customers.

He said that.

He's like, this coupon represents a promise.

And you've lied to me.

You've lied to me.

Well, I was just in line.

i just wanted to be like

he doesn't represent oh my god i'm so mad i wasn't there that generation that generation is like almost in the naughties

no i was with my grandma actually and she was even like jesus christ what's wrong with you your grandma was in the holocaust yeah yeah she's like she's like this sucks

That's so funny.

And I was like, should we move to another line?

But we were next in line.

So it was like that, like, I should just wait it out.

Other people are getting out of line.

Oh, my God.

It was not good for the people.

Not good for our people.

A promise to the customers.

You've made a promise to me and the rest of the customers that we get 50 cents off.

This generic

Vons

flavored vanilla ice cream.

It's the Vons ice cream.

It's not even like a name brand.

Oh, my God.

That rules.

Brutal.

That's crazy to see.

But those guys are almost nearly dead.

Like,

it's just like a collection of like.

And they deserve to die.

Thank God.

When they go, it's going to be like.

Oh, yeah.

They're just going to leave.

Those are cool.

No, no, no.

They're leaving us in a universe where

everyone thinks we're like that.

To be honest with you, dude, that day I was with you at Guitar Center, I was like, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

When I was asking the guy,

that was insane.

I was like, it does have scratches on the back.

No, that was fucking insane, dude.

They'd been closed for five minutes.

No, they hadn't.

This guy doesn't make commission.

They just

a retail employee, and Adam's like,

I don't know.

Can I take another picture of it and send it to my other friend?

You know, like,

it was already $600 off this guitar.

It was like $600 off.

You're exaggerating.

Do you still have the guitar?

Did you return it?

No, I have the guitar, obviously.

A shred alone.

When Dasha leaves the house, I take all my clothes off.

Shred alone.

When my girlfriend's gone, hanging out with her, platonic, she swears male friends.

Yeah.

I play my song.

No, she's just for me.

She's not getting boned.

Drunk girls and mean gay guys.

What's going on with this totem pole up here?

I'm going to take a look at this.

We have a look-see.

We're going to do some experiments.

Wow.

You can't climb this fucking mountain, bitch.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

That's the thing.

People don't believe in me.

But I've proven that that despite being completely able-bodied and a straight white man, I have accomplished almost nothing.

That all it took was just sort of hanging out until I got lucky.

Despite everyone saying that that's how the world works,

I somehow found the courage.

Kind of staying in the mix to just one of the most retarded projects I've ever done, catching on for some reason.

Of all the things I've spent hours like writing and editing

and like really working on

now, a podcast.

I've got a little less penis.

Boop, boop, that tumbled.

Small dick is brought to you by some

crest white strips.

Easy credit rip off.

Suck my

dick.

Suck my beautiful little penis.

It's small, but it's tasty.

He looks beautiful.

Why did it go into widescreen?

Well, it cracked his skull off that mountain.

You're supposed to be able to just go into that cinematic mode and hold X and it'll go along the road for you, but I guess that's not working, so you just rode the horse off the cliff.

Damn, Rockstar Games.

Man, I've been messing up my R's and L's lately.

It's Japan, dude.

I know.

I'll do that to you.

Fuck Japan.

I'm a man of the world.

I actually looked up why that happens.

Why?

Because it doesn't happen with all words.

Sometimes they can make the R sound, and they don't flip it.

So what is it?

I think it's when words end

in those letters.

They don't have words that end in like L.

They only have words that end in R.

Maybe the other way around.

And so that's why they naturally flip it.

They do it with every fucking word, from what I know.

They don't sound like you looked it up at all.

Yeah, they were like...

you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

I did look it up.

Well, then

you didn't retain a lot of people.

How come every Japanese bitch I spoke to

is like,

you know, saying like crass loom and shit.

They don't say,

they don't say, I rub you.

They can say, I love you.

No, they can't.

They don't say rub.

Yeah, they do.

No, they do.

No, they don't.

You're absolutely.

Okay, sorry you paid one prostitute who can say her L's to say she loves you over and over again.

I'll look it up again.

I should have retained more information.

Yes, you should have before bringing it up on our show.

Yeah,

we kind of promised to our fucking listeners that we will educate them.

This is

we got some

legendary moose activity going on here.

Some moment everyone's been waiting for on the show.

The legendary moose.

That's what I call my dick.

Yeah.

That'd be cool tight to have a moose-shaped dick.

Legendary moose.

Come suck this legendary moose, bitch.

Fuck.

That is good.

I'm about to let the legendary moose out of my jeans, you fucking whore.

The legendary juice.

Come get this juice from the moose.

Yeah.

Juice the moose, bitch.

I love feeding my juice to whore.

I'll tell you, there's one thing whores can't get enough of.

It's my fucking juice.

It's my fucking juice, whore.

Damn.

Juice the moose, bitch.

You got juice.

Why don't you come juice my moose?

You fucking slut.

I'm trying to get my moose juice.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

That's a good one.

That's good.

That's good.

You guys, you're welcome.

You're welcome for that one, guys.

You're welcome for juice the moose.

Wow, you killed a little baby bear, dude?

Yeah, I love killing baby bears.

Little bear cubs getting their shit fucked up by me.

Can you eat the bear meat?

El Champion.

Circumcision.

Circumcision.

Yeah, let's go back to that guy.

I'm mad that happened during the read, but I love that guy.

I love that.

Oh, my family, my father worked on Le Faux Plantation.

He came up with the idea of cutting off the slave's penis

to prevent them from having a bigger pinnace

because they would disrespect the house.

You know what'd be funny if

like they were like, Let's try out slavery, right?

And then, so they go get a black guy and they take his clothes off and put them on the auction block, but he just says like the world's smallest dick.

And they're like, Oh, we can't do that to these people.

Oh, so you think slavery is penis envy?

They happen to see one guy with a big-ass dick.

Yeah, they're like, oh, fuck.

You got out of my job, bitch.

I'm thinking of anybody.

You're not going to walk around with a cock like that, just not have fucking Monday through Friday locked up.

I'm sure that, like,

Hotep Facebook memes definitely say that.

What's that?

I'm sure that, like, Hotep Facebook memes definitely say, like, they sold us into slavery because our penis were too good.

You think so?

Probably.

Adam beats off to those pages.

Do you seriously?

To reading the word penis?

Do you beat off to that?

That's so weird.

It's crazy that you admitted that.

No, I admitted that.

You like to read the word penis.

It was funnier when you like that.

I admit it, but I masturbate to the word penis.

I hate to admit this.

That's pretty fucking gay, dude.

Here we go, dude.

I got some moose evidence over here.

Juice my moose.

Juice the moose.

Juice my moose.

Hey, come on over here, juice my moose, baby girl.

I got.

Oh, sorry.

What?

What do you have to do?

I have to go.

Where do your time is?

How long have we been doing?

We're at 106.

It's five.

Okay.

He's got to be at the show at 6:30.

Oh, yeah?

The gay sex show?

Yeah, of c the gay sextation.

As a matter of fact, it is.

Gay sextival.

Gay sextivist for the rest of the show.

I'm at the East Village Gay Sextival

Monday through Friday.

Gay Sextivus for the rest of it.

I'm opening for Margaret Chode.

You're opening for your own ass.

Yeah.

And a bunch of other guys.

Okay, be gone, Adam.

What about Margaret Shod?

That's good, bro.

Hey, while Adam's leaving, I want to let you guys know to make sure to come to my fucking shows.

I'm on Long Island on the 30th.

Go to stopby.biz for that shit.

I think Huntington Arts Center or something.

No, that's wrong.

And just look it up.

But in DC, the seventh and eighth.

Come to those fucking shows.

I'm headlining a whole weekend at a club.

I'd love to see you there.

I'm in Indy on the 13th, fucking Cincinnati on the fourteenth, Columbus on the fifteenth, and I think I'm at in Cleveland on the 16th.

And then lock look out for that LA show, February 2nd.

So buy tickets to all those.

And we got more stuff coming up.

Pittsburgh, Buffalo, all that shit put together, bitch.

So please come to my shows.

Now, please, Nick, continue with Margaret Chode.

Margaret Chode.

And

what the fuck does she say?

Oh, my pina is so wild.

My pin is so wild, but it's very short.

What is that?

I thought I told you to leave, Adam.

What is that toothpaste you have, dude?

Do you have like Muslim toothpaste in your baggage?

No, I just saw it in his bathroom.

Why are you mad at his toothpaste, man?

I'm not mad at it.

I've just never seen the brand Daber toothpaste.

Sounds like you're pretty mad.

Dabour toothpaste.

I don't know.

It's some like red clay shit that's, I don't know.

It's like, it tastes like big red.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's cinnamon.

That sounds awesome.

Wait, how do you know that?

It said cinnamon on the tube.

Did you taste it?

Were you in the bathroom eating my toothpaste?

No, I was taking care of it.

He's like making fun of that Jewish guy, and he's like, ooh, a dinner for free.

A lot of people eat toothpaste from fast meals.

No, they don't.

Yes, that's true.

Oh, shit.

A moose.

Oh, was that a moose?

You almost got stomped.

All right, yard.

I'll see you all.

All right, are we at an hour at him?

We're over an hour.

We're at 10 minutes over now.

Alright, well, fuck it.

All right.

Shows over.

Shows over.

All right.

See you next time.

See you, jive ass something.

Don't say it.

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