Ep. 129 – bad boys 2

As the weather cools, I'm swapping in pieces that actually get the job done.

Warm, durable, and built to last.

And Quince delivers every time with wardrobe staples that carry you through the season.

Quince has the kind of false staples that you'll actually want to wear on repeat, like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere from just sixty dollars, classic fit denim, and real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and holds up.

I've got my eye on their suede trucker jacket.

It's perfect for layering and it looks really casual but put together.

But partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of similar brands.

Quince items have become part of my go-to wardrobe lately.

In fact, a lot of people who recently cut me out of their lives have tried to weasel their way back in.

And I think it has something to do with the quality of Quince products that I have draped around my gorgeous body.

But guess what?

You should never judge a book by its cover.

But sometimes a book's cover can look fucking good, especially when it's wearing Mongolian cashmere from just $60, paired with classic fit denim and real leather and wool outerwear.

I would read that.

So layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look.

Go to quince.com/slash T-A-F-S for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Now available in Canada, too.

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash t-a-f-s.

Free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com/slash tabs.

Your global campaign just launched.

But wait, the logo's cropped.

The colors are off.

And did legal clear that image?

When teams create without guardrails, mistakes slip through, but not with Adobe Express, the quick and easy app to create on-brand content.

Brand kits and lock templates make following design guidelines a no-brainer for HR sales and marketing teams.

And commercially safe AI powered by Firefly lets them create confidently so your brand always shows up polished, protected, and consistent everywhere.

Learn more at adobe.com/slash go/slash express

sex blast off having sex.

Gaysex.com.

Come town is brought to you by gaysex.com, the premier website for having gay sex with other guys

on the internet.

Gay sex.

Gay sex.

Gay sex.

It's fucking gay.

Be gay sports.

Have gay sex.

It's being gay.

It's being gay.

Yeah, I like that.

That's good for me, man.

Folks, welcome to another edition.

Welcome to Americana.

Please press the pound sign now.

To get your ass.

What a cool intro to an album.

What album is that?

Americana.

Who's that?

The Offspring.

Ah, yes, of course.

Welcome to Americana.

Please press the pound sign.

I was not allowed to have offspring albums.

Why not?

My mother was very...

My mom had complete blind spots on certain things, but the thing she knew about, like, I could never listen to Howard Stern because that was just in the media.

And for some reason, the offspring she knew about, and she wouldn't let me get an offspring CD.

I couldn't watch The Simpsons.

I had to sneak over to Pete's house and watch them.

That's crazy.

I remember the kid across the street, he was crying one time because his mom wouldn't let him get...

tub thumper by chunk

i had tub thumper yeah because there was a guy on the cover blowing fire which is satanic.

Hell yes.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

What a dumb bitch that guy's dumb.

That probably was.

That dumb Italian lady.

Yeah.

Italians are the best, but their morality is over.

Yeah, yeah.

Catch it for the devil.

Now, she wasn't Italian.

I mean, they were like...

Oh, just they were Italian Americans.

Yeah, those are even better.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they're just fucking asshole dumb whites.

Yeah.

Damn, look how stupid the offspring looks now.

Mm-hmm.

These guys are in their

still being the offspring.

That's brutal.

The guy in the back at least is is like ashamed of himself.

Yeah,

the guys that are sitting in the back, the passenger is, you know, he's the ringleader of the Faggotry.

Oh, absolutely.

He's like, this is great, baby.

What is his name?

Sunset Strip, 47 years old.

Thank God every day from, you know, he's Christian.

I'm at the damn viper.

Oh, yeah, they're all turned Christians.

There's no way that guy's not on fucking Instagram.

He's like, I was just telling my daughter, I forget what her name is.

I was just telling her the other day, Jesus Christ, bless us every day.

We wake up in our fucking Malibu home.

And I think back to all the 14-year-old girls I had sex with, a 27-year-old man, while their dad waited in their fucking Toyota Torcel in the parking lot.

Like, oh, did you find Katie?

Yeah,

I found Katie.

Then they had to go home, started cutting themselves

because the 29-year-old guitarist from the offspring.

She didn't even want to fuck him.

She wanted to fuck him up.

Let me find this guy's name first before I

just wildly assuming things about him.

Yes.

If you're going to slander the man, at least say his full legal name.

How funny it would be if we accuse him of the future.

I got sued by the offspring.

Or it's like, look, Your Honor, I don't even know this guy's name.

Oh, Noodles.

His name is Noodding.

No.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

You know he asked women to suck his noodle.

Yeah, yeah.

You know he sucked women to suck noodles noodle.

Yeah, noodles from the offspring.

Look at this fucking asshole, dude.

Yeah, this guy sucks like...

Oh, that's brutal.

Yeah, he he fucking sucks.

He looks like that Greg Barrand or whatever, but with fucking horrible hair.

I like Greg Barrent.

Yeah, I fuck with Greg, but I'm saying, imagine if Greg

had like dyed-ass blonde hair and a foe.

Hold on.

Greg's someone who works in our industry.

That's someone I can forgive for looking like that.

No, no, no.

He does not have that hair.

Yeah.

And he's probably raped way less women.

All right.

Biography.

Oh, he's from Los Angeles, perfect.

Of course.

Of course.

Oh, my God.

Before joining the Offspring, noodles played in the local band called the clowns of death

my man was random before it random was a thing about it

you know he loved evil monkeys dude oh man i'm glad we looked into this guy the clowns of death i i double down on everything i said yeah about those girls absolutely he's raped you're in the nickname noodles for his frequent noodling on the guitar shut up

christ that sucks and they called him stuck with that i hate why do nicknames need to?

Nobody cares about the story behind your fucking nickname.

Oh, well, you know, they called me Skittles because when I was four, I loved Skittles.

It's like, oh, really?

Wow.

Yeah, that's hilarious, gay sex Nick.

Yeah.

What?

Well, we can't tell the people who's not my nickname.

We can't tell you.

My name's Skip.

No, it's gay sex nicks.

My nickname's Skip, like the captain of a ship.

My nickname is Candy Lips.

Yeah, it's Candy Lips.

Candy Lips.

I love Candy Lips.

Candy Lips is great.

And you know what?

I gave you candy lips and I let you have it.

No.

So you give me skip nips.

No, you're gay sex nick.

No, I'm either daddy or skip.

You can't be sorry.

From here on out, Adam has to call me daddy on the show.

He's got a link.

He's got a whole.

I turn my pocket inside out, and Adam has to hang on to it the entire episode.

He does that every episode.

By the way, this is a classico.

Don't worry, Adam is not in the bathroom.

Classico.

Just a couple boys discussing which members of early late and late 90s alternatively.

On their DVD release, Huck It, as part of the mock interview, Noodles claims to like the finer things in life, such as red wine, classical music, cigarettes, and poetry.

He occasionally goes.

What a fucking loser.

Yeah.

He occasionally goes snowmobiling and snowboarding.

The finer thing, cigarettes and red wine.

Yeah, let me see if like a 14-year-old girl who just found out about France.

Offspring

Instagram.

Instagram.

I'm I'm going to look up Noodles Offspring Rape.

Yeah, rape.

The G nudes.

The G nudes.

Guitar playing Primate in the Offspring.

Oh, God.

How many followers?

Looks like it's mostly

stuff like pictures of

concerts.

Okay, but the beast still threatens me.

What is he?

Oh,

there's a ladybug in his house he's taking pictures of.

I just want to see some sign that this guy's fucking Christian.

I know he is.

I know that we're going to find something in here.

Maybe.

I'm going to look up Noodles' Offspring Rape and see what he got.

What's an Offspring song?

Oh, geez.

There's a lot of them.

Gone away.

I guess he's friends with Doug Benson.

The first

The first thing that comes up is Noodles' motive for raping Deborah.

I don't know if this is the same Noodles.

We're going to say it is.

I was wondering what anyone's impressed of Noodles raping, or maybe this is from like a book or something.

All right.

Well, this is from

posting a picture

of the N-word on Noodles.

Maybe he's not

actually Christian.

Oh, yeah, that would make it to the

word scramble game.

And he says, where's all my word crossy play is at?

The word you're looking for is gazing, aging.

Yeah, he got in letters N-I-G-G-A-Z and like some word scrabble.

And he had to screenshot that.

Yeah.

Respect to him finding a way to sneak saying the N-word.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I kind of like him now.

That's important for SoCal white guys who are racist but seem like they're not.

They got to let everyone know.

Yeah.

Oh,

I'm gay.

I'm sorry.

Is that an off-spring song?

What's an off-spring song?

Yeah.

I'm gay.

I'm fucking gay.

I just found out I'm gay today.

Oh, no.

There's another one that I used to like.

Yeah.

I mean, all the crazy taxi songs.

Fuck.

What's the one?

Wow.

Not pretty flat for a white guy.

Something with like a Hispanic sound.

Pretty gay for a fat guy.

Pretty gay for a fat guy.

That one's about you.

No, it's not.

That one's about somebody else.

Remember that offspring song about you?

Pretty gay for a fat guy.

Yeah, no, this guy's not at all what I would expect.

I would expect him to be.

Okay, there is some resistance stuff in here.

Okay, respect.

Which makes sense, yeah.

Him posting this

Trump toilet paper.

But then his comment is pretty neutral.

It says, respect the office.

Hashtag respect the office.

Yeah, you know what?

This guy might not be as much of a tool as I assumed based on.

Really?

You're going to walk back?

I am.

What you said about noodles because you said the N-word through a word scrabble?

Yeah.

That's what it looks.

Hey, hey man sometimes you can't judge a book by its cover

sometimes people surprise you you know

oh damn

yep

i'm good i'm gay how did we start talking about the offspring um i don't know i don't remember but we started talking about something

and then another thing got brought up yep So true.

That is what happened.

Damn.

It's a crazy world we live in where things,

stuff like that happens.

By the way, for the listeners at home, Nick is looking very cute here.

He's got his leggings on.

I'm wearing leggings.

I got shorts.

I went to the gym.

Short shorts.

Very short shorts.

You can basically see his nuts, and he's wearing green leggings.

I'm wearing green leggings.

He was squatting, for all you, for everyone that wants to have sex with Nick out there, imagine his cheeks lowering under the weight of the ball.

God's wearing a dress.

And I'm wearing a full gown, an evening gown, and I'm wearing a tiara as well.

We're in my home for a change, so I'm wearing what I wear around the house, which is a prom dress.

Yeah.

And a $17,000 necklace.

That would be pretty cool, honestly.

If I was wearing diamonds and dresses in my home.

Yeah.

I guess that's the reason the offspring are still like a band together is because

none of them have matured emotionally since they started the band.

True.

Which makes sense that he wouldn't be a Christian and he'd still be like,

the N-word.

Which, hey, you know, props to him for consistency.

Yeah, where will we be in 10 years?

That's the real question.

Either

I will have gambled away all the money or I will have gambled the money up.

Yes.

And I will finally be able to retire to the woods.

So you think you're not settling for just being kind of rich for the rest of your life?

I'm not kind of rich.

It's like you need so much goddamn money to never have to work again.

Yeah, that's true.

To never have to work again and not worry about shit.

You need like something like $5 million.

Okay.

And then to do it in New York, you need somewhere in between 10 and $15 million.

It doesn't have to be in New York if you never have to work again, though.

Let's start a GoFundMe for $10 million so we each don't have to work again.

That's true.

You think we could do that?

We could do that.

I just don't.

I'm saving up for not one operation, but every operation I'll ever have.

And I'm assuming there's going to be a lot of them because I don't really take care of myself.

Yeah.

That's why it's on you guys.

Once we've completely

once our bodies don't even recognize dick pills anymore, we're going to need the next solution.

Why have insurance if you can just, if you have a medical emergency, you can just go on GoFundMe and people will pay for your surgery?

Yeah, that's true.

That's been proven time and time again.

Yeah.

And so why not, instead of having insurance, you just have like a rainy day fund me.

And that's a solution, dude.

Yeah.

That's absolutely.

Just say, like, I need money for my cancer medicine.

Yeah.

GoFundMe.

Raise millions of dollars.

And people are like, wait, what is the cancer?

You're like, well, I don't have

to smoke.

I'm probably going to get it.

Fucking play play Nintendo Switch.

I'm feeling like that's the next thing.

It's always one thing that we all like and we aren't suspecting.

It turns out that Blamo, that's the cancer one.

Switch.

I mean, probably cell phones are bad for us, right?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

There's no way.

No, there's like a noticeable uptick in the amount of brain tumors people have had.

And they're like, there's no way it's related.

They're like, there's no

device we sleep next to.

I mean, it's next to my head.

They're like, there's no way way it's doing anything.

It's absolutely.

Look at all this data from the cell phone companies that says it's not doing anything.

So true.

Yeah, dude, we're fucked.

Something's going to fuck our asses the way the Romans got fucked by lead pipes.

Yeah.

Those motherfuckers having gay sex at the vomitorium, thinking they had it all figured out.

Yeah.

And then their fucking water was fucking them up.

Yep.

Salute, by the way, to the guy in Pompeii that got caught beating off.

You've seen that, I assume.

I haven't seen that.

The guy in Pompeii got caught beating off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what, the paintings?

No, no, no, no.

It's a guy in the volcano.

He's like, he's been mummified beating off.

You can see his hard dick, and he died.

That's the way he dies, is jerking off while Pompeii happens.

Oh, that's hilarious.

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah.

That guy's a hero.

If you guys haven't seen that, we'll check it out sometime, bro.

And that's a future we can all invest in.

I would like to go out beating off maybe in a volcano.

Lowered cock first into fucking Mount Vesuvius.

What are you reading?

Oh, I'm reading Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Twitter feed.

Oh, yeah.

If you need a place to stay, by the way, baby girl, I got you.

You know what I mean?

I got a house in Bolshevik.

People keep giving me directions to the spouse and intern events instead of the ones for members of Congress.

Which I don't think that's happening.

I mean, everyone knows who the fuck she is, you'd think, right?

Yeah.

She's also like, she's just walking up to people and being like, here's directions.

Yeah, you dumb little bitch.

She does look young and she's hot compared to the people in there for sure.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I had sex with her six times.

Yeah, I did before you, 12 times.

I talked to her 32 million times.

No, I did.

I did more than that.

I can't think of it right now.

Same time, we'll say it.

Okay.

One, two, three,

$64 trillion.

$64 billion times $47,000.

That's still less.

Fuck, you got me there, man.

64 billion times 47.

Yeah, I guess we really have been fucking her a lot.

It's crazy how much work she's getting done.

Yeah.

Yeah, her pussy is raw.

Her pussy's fucking raw from the amount of times.

The trillions of times.

Trillions.

Trillions of times you've had sex with her.

I can't even.

It's amazing.

I've had time to fuck every other woman in the world also, on top of that.

Considering I've had sex with Alexandria

Artesian

Cadizio.

Whatever the fuck her name is.

That woman I've had sex with.

Yeah, you don't even know her name.

I don't know her name.

I don't know.

I was too busy having sex with her to remember her name.

Yeah.

You have a rare medical condition.

They call that the Kumbar limit.

You can't remember the names of women you've fucked already.

Well, I think it's because you bust so fast.

You have a rare medical condition where you bust a mustache.

It's a rare condition in this day and age to bust immediately

on your own damn face.

It's a rare condition.

Busting.

Go home, Steve.

But I got all this.

Did I come in your own face?

Did I come on my own face,

Steve?

Steve.

Go home, Steve.

There's cum on my mustache, Steve.

And then that on my butt.

And then out of my butt cheese.

It's Carl singing.

Yeah, he's just jamming out on the garage.

Has that song come out?

He's like, Laura, I told you not to have Steve over while I'm doing my songs.

Oh, sorry, Mr.

Carl.

Yeah, Carl.

Sorry, dude.

We're ruining your song singing.

Suck on my dick, fuck my ass, and then that on my butt cheese.

The song isn't coming out for another 15 years.

They stole it from him.

No, that song came out in what, 2000?

Family Matters stopped.

The Family Matters was in the 90s, bro.

Yeah, it was, but what it's not 15 years.

Right, five.

Smooth, the song, but 1999.

Oh, really?

Family Matters probably ended in 97 or 98.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a rare condition.

It's called sickle cell.

Only black people get it.

And if you can't afford the medicine.

Final episode, July 17th, 1998.

Okay.

So only so a year.

Yeah, a year.

A year gap between smooth.

Yeah.

Steve ended up marrying Laura, didn't he?

I think so.

I thought in the final episode he goes to space.

Oh, did he?

I thought he went to Disneyland.

Yeah.

All those ABC shows went to Disneyland because I guess Disney owned it.

Full House, for example, went to Disneyland.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

We're all filmed in Los Angeles.

And then you lick my balls.

Yeah.

Family of third bust.

Busting your mouth.

Having air turned.

Because I'm good.

I like Asex.

House of Pain is the longest, second longest running black show, which is weird because I don't.

I've seen maybe two episodes of that.

Well, they fucking record, they do like a hundred episodes in one sitting.

No, really?

Yeah.

Tyler Perry's just fucking making the fucking money, baby.

Making that mulah.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

There were 37 episodes in the first season of that show.

In season six, they did 46 episodes.

I don't know a single character on it.

Yeah.

What actors are even on it?

That's insane.

Yeah.

What is House of Payne?

Shouts out to Tyler Perry, dude.

It's a multi-generational family living under one roof in Atlanta led by patriarch Curtis Payne.

Nice.

And his wife, Ella.

Okay.

So what makes him a patriarch?

Does that just mean a black father that he leaves?

Yeah,

he actually is not raising them.

He just lives in a private.

Yeah,

he's not even close to being a patriarch.

He just has a job.

I mean, if you got a job, you're a patriarch.

Actually, I'll take that back.

My dad technically has a job.

Yeah.

I'm the patriarch, dude.

The patriarch is what they call the pope in the Greek.

All right, I'm getting off.

Looking at Wikipedia while doing the show is a dangerous message.

Absolutely.

Very easily.

It got us noodles, but it also got us like, damn, 47 episodes.

Yeah, right.

Just 15 minutes of being like, oh, this is interesting.

Ceramics didn't,

that wasn't until 800 B.C.

Before they developed porcelain.

If you could be in any kind of any ancient shit, in any ancient civilization, what would you like to choose?

Middle Ages and back.

Oh, Byzantine Empire.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, for sure.

Hell yeah.

Eastern Roman.

Yes, dude.

Are we talking Constantinople?

Are we talking that side?

Uh-huh.

Okay, nice.

That's right.

A lot of incense.

A lot of incense.

Wearing gold.

Wearing gold everywhere.

Yeah.

Just starting to get a little muzzy.

Oh, yeah.

You know, just around the edges.

Fuzzy, muzzy.

Yeah.

The Ottomans were clamoring, but nothing was.

I got to say, I don't fuck with what the Ottomans did to Greece, but I like their style, dude.

I like not wearing a shirt and wearing a turban and wearing a little vest and big baggy pants.

Yeah.

That's a good look.

And a big-ass mustache.

I would love to get my dicks up in a big baggy pair of pants.

Oh, yeah, big vests.

Big pants, a bunch of throw pillows.

Yes, dude.

Yeah.

Harems.

They're smoking hookah.

Yeah.

Dude, that's pretty tight.

Or the Edo period of Japan.

I could do that, too.

Yes.

Samurai shit.

Fucking Hado.

Getting Hado from a small, scared.

From a boy who wants to become a samurai one day.

That's kind of how the whole system worked.

The Ronin roams the land.

Killing his enemies.

Like, why does he do it?

Because he was tricked into sucking dicks for 10 years and he'll never forget it.

He's just seven to seventeen.

Yeah, he was sucking another Ronin's dick.

Fir of the younger.

Yeah.

And then you wonder why it's like, oh, yeah, they cut their guts out out of respect.

Certainly not the years of sexual abuse.

Getting molested by their closest father figure.

Yeah, right.

By their adopted father.

Oh, yeah.

That's why

because

the guy who was raping them finally died and it didn't free them from the prison they've been living in.

Well, I guess it's time to cut your guts out.

Damn, dude.

Yeah.

Is there any society that didn't fuck boys?

The Irish never did it.

You sure?

Yep.

The Catholic Church did, but that's not the Irish.

That's the Italian influence.

Of course, yeah.

Yeah, the Italians definitely fucked boys.

I mean, we definitely did.

Yeah.

Hand up on that one.

That might be us.

We might have.

Because Greece, listen, we have been very influential.

Arts, language, everything.

We might have been the first to fuck boys.

No, the Japanese fuck boys, and their culture predates.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

No, fuck them, dude.

Just take that back.

No.

The Japanese do not predate ancient Greece.

They do, dude.

Japan goes back.

They had.

Although, I just typed in ancient Japan into Google, and then it auto-corrected to homosexuality in Japan.

Yo, Siri's listening to your ass.

Siri's always listening.

Homosexuality?

Yeah, I'm sure that's what you did and you didn't just open the window you were looking at before you got here.

Yeah, you opened

the Jomon period.

No, take it back.

Although, you know what's funny?

Yeah, the Jomon Japanese prehistory traditionally dated between 14,000 and 300 BC.

Yeah, we did it before fucking.

No.

No.

14,000?

How do those motherfuckers even know, dude?

Fuck that radiocarbon dating no that's fake fuck that shit and who comes up with that who comes up with that technology the japanese probably

very fucking convenient radiocarbon dating was invented by very fucking convenient we don't have to keep talking about this no let's see

radiocarbon i bet you it was the japanese man

although okay fine let's see i was laughing today how about poly pocket but it's a girl loves a bunch of guys fuck her pussy that's good she's got a poly

I think it would be funny.

You know how, like, a bunch of like.

It's developed in the late 1940s by Willard Libby.

Willard Ribaru.

Who was from Los Osaka, California?

Look at this fucking nerd.

Nah, that's a Japanese guy, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a Japanese guy.

That's a Japanese guy whose name

is four syllables, yet it has one, two,

three,

four,

Willard Frank Libby.

Yep, that sounds like an Asian person's name.

Willard Franco Rubaru.

Yeah, that would be like the kind of name they would give to like spies in Japan, dudes.

To confuse them.

I think it's funny.

You know how all those like

a bunch of hoteps are like, the Greeks stole everything from Egypt or whatever, which we probably did.

It would be funny if one of them was like, we fucked boys first.

Yeah.

The Greeks took pedophilia from Africa.

Just the hotab guys

been like, man, we can't, we're going to come down with bus and inside chill.

And that's what they don't want to teach you in school.

Since that guy's not allowed to ride the bus anymore.

Mr.

Malcolm, you were told numerous times you are no longer welcome

on the Cleveland bus system.

No buses allow you on here anymore, specifically because of this behavior.

Brainwashed by the white master, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Brothers, it is natural to have sex with children.

We invented it, and we will continue to do it.

Just wearing the full, like,

the full Israelite outfit.

Just dressed like

the fucking, like the Greeks and the Italians.

Yeah, she's just dressed like Jasmine's dad.

Going off about like, man, brothers invented fucking boys.

And that's what, you know, all of the, man, Stokely Carmichael, Huey Lewis, all the leaders wanted us to.

No, they did not.

They all wanted.

Malcolm X wanted us to fuck boys.

And that's why my conviction by the Cleveland judicial system

is not valid.

They do not have jurisdiction.

Back in the 60s, you couldn't say stuff like this.

But

now that, you know, we got brothers dressing up like ladies and shit, cutting their dicks off.

I think it's about goddamn time.

He's trying to get being a pedophile into LGBTQ.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

That's a good guy, dude.

Little boy, little boys getting touched.

That's what it stands for.

Little getting boys touched.

I don't know.

LGBT.

LBGT.

Little boys touch.

Little girls and boys and trans people.

I will say

people,

everyone who ate with their hands.

Now, do you think Europeans didn't bathe?

That's what people say.

Well, I've already shit.

I will tell you this.

Yeah, well, tell me about it, man.

Europeans back in the day, their dicks stopped working.

And so they would need

pills

to make their dicks work.

Really?

And unfortunately, they didn't have those back then, but we have them now.

Oh, do we ever?

And you can buy them on a website called BlueChew.com.

And can I just say, Nick, I'm thrilled about this product because before Blue Chew, it's kind of like if you outlaw abortions, you're only outlawing safe abortions, right?

Before I had safe access to dick pills, I was on the dark web.

I was taking some fucking weird research chemicals out of a dropper for dick pills, and I was getting horrible headaches.

Recently, I had a three-way, and I wanted to be hard because the last time I had sex with these particular women, I was not hard because I had a belly full of Chinese food.

Anyway, that's a different story for a different time.

But

before Blue Chew, I was forced to take these weird Indian research chemicals I bought from the internet, and I had a horrible headache for days.

Indian research chemicals.

I thought I was going to die.

Yes, you take them with a dropper.

I looked at

Blue Chew's competitors or whatever that we're supposed to be advertising against, or probably other legitimate companies.

They're not like, guys, I've been buying

clinical trials in Kuala Lamp.

Well, the point is, I thought I was going to die having mediocre sex.

I've been growing hair on my forehead because I've been taking experimental drugs.

The point is, now those days are over.

And when I want to get my dick stiffer than a fucking board, when I want to get my dick hard as all fucking hell, I just pop a fucking Blue Chew, pal.

And can I just say it has wonderful, wonderful

responses for me?

Yeah,

when I fucked Alexandria Zakarcio

Cortanleon,

more times than Nick, it was every time I had Blue Chew.

Yeah,

I popped a couple of them yesterday.

I was feeling in the mood, so I popped a couple, went over to my ex-girlfriend's LinkedIn profile.

She's been

banned from...

She's got me blocked on everything, but she didn't even consider

the burner LinkedIn from Frank Reynolds.

She thinks she's just friends with the branch manager of a Wachovia in Delaware.

But no,

turns out somebody got some dick pills.

So bad news, bitch.

Bad news, you're getting jacked off.

You're fucking headshot from the fucking

nurse's office.

Your 25-pixel by 25-pixel headshot of you.

I can't even tell if you're smiling or not, but I can see that.

Because you're facing the computer.

I can see those juicy titties under four layers of clothes.

But I've seen them in real life, so I remember what they look like.

Yeah, you're kind of just using that to jog your memory.

Yeah.

And will your memory treat you?

Luckily, I'm on another pill to help my memory also.

I'm on a

vast network of pills still out.

Middle school girlfriend.

Yeah.

A LinkedIn page.

We can rebuild him.

We can allow him to jack off.

You may think you're married now, but the truth is.

As long as we got Blue Chew, bitch, that pussy's ours.

Right.

Guess what?

You forgot to take down the video on YouTube of you doing a speech for French class your first year of college 10 years ago.

And now

the master is masturbated.

The master is once again masturbated to a video of you from 10 years ago

speaking the French language.

Blue Chew offers men a performance enhancement for the bedroom.

Wouldn't you like to last longer and go extra rounds?

Oh, yeah.

This is their copy.

Yes.

Anyways, it's.

You can tell a bit of a difference between their copy and our personal experience.

Yeah, it's like Tadafil and whatever the other one is.

Silenadol.

Yeah, the Viagra.

They got the Sialis active ingredients and the Viagra active ingredients.

Yeah.

I've tried them both.

Love them.

No difference, really, for me.

There is a little bit of a difference.

What's the difference for you?

Sialis typically lasts a little bit longer.

Viagra is more, if you need it, if you're in a pinch.

Yeah.

Break break in case of emergency.

You know what I realized, the truth be told, is that I don't actually need dick pills.

Interesting.

Yeah.

What do you mean by that?

Started having sex with men.

No, I just need like antidepressants or something.

Yeah, that's part of what it is.

I mean, I'm just fat as shit, and like the second I lose even 10 pounds, my dick starts working better.

But am I going to do anything about that?

No, if I'm in a good day, or like having a good day, I'm like, I'm fine.

But if I'm like, I want to kill myself, pills don't do anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Even then, because I'll be sad with a hard-ass dick.

No.

Yeah, and then I can't, like, I don't feel anything.

Like, it doesn't feel good.

I can't, like.

Interesting.

Yeah, it doesn't.

That was before Blue Chew, though.

That was before Blue Chew.

With Blue Chew, Nick's dick gets hard even when he's being hard.

I got a unique problem.

I got a unique thing that even Blue Chew helps with.

What I meant to say is...

Yes, exactly.

You can take it on a full or an empty stomach.

That's right.

Whether you've already sucked the cum out of your boyfriend's balls or you're about to.

Yeah, and it was, it's really, you just go online, lie about your medical history, and then they send the pills to you.

Yeah.

They make it very obvious, though.

You're supposed to say no and yes to.

Yeah, right.

They make it very clear.

Look, it's like a job application.

When they say, are you on other medications?

Obviously, you put no.

Are you?

Even if it is

heart problems, when it says high blood pressure.

When it says, do you experience chest pains, dizziness,

experience high blood pressure?

Definitely want to say no to all those things.

Oh, go ahead, no, down the aisle, baby.

Because remember, there's actual doctors prescribing this stuff, so they could get in a lot of trouble

if you were to say, have a podcast where you tell people what you live.

I don't know if I'm not doing, actually.

We were just doing a bit.

Yeah, we were joking around.

It's a comedy show.

Tell the truth.

You don't want to joke around with people's medicine.

Don't, whatever you do, do not listen to the thing you just said and actually tell the truth.

Yeah, no doctor visit, no awkward conversation.

Well, look, you're still going to have plenty of awkward conversations.

Yes.

You know, when you're in line at Trader Joe's and you're so giddy about your dick working in, you have to just lean into the ear of the woman in front of you and say, because you just got dick pills on the internet.

She turns around and she says, I'm calling the police.

You know, you'll be dying to have those kinds of awkward conversations.

The awkward conversation where no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

Yeah, I hate that.

As I call it, the dick pill soup kitchen.

Stop being one of those fucking dick pill hobos.

Yeah,

are we going to get our dick cards today?

I got my dick card in seven weeks.

Calm down.

Just begging.

Begging at stoplights for fragments of dick pills.

Please.

And ships directly to your door in discrete packaging.

That's right.

Gone are the days of getting a big red bag that says, warning, small dick medicine.

Small, soft,

dick sucks.com.

Message.

You are experiencing the brand new screaming package.

Too busy to read the label on your mail.

His dick is small.

Now your mail yells.

It's soft and small.

We got discrete packaging.

So no one, no one.

When people are are illegally going through your mailbox and reading your mail, you don't have to worry about it.

The only point of discrete packaging is if you live with your parents.

True.

And listen, sir.

If you live with your parents and you're getting dick pills so you can beat off the hentai, respect.

Salute.

DM us if that literally happens.

We will, yeah.

I'll give you $100.

You're allowed to come on the show.

You literally are, actually.

Blue Chew just fights it, but please come on.

Yeah.

Blue Chew gives you confidence in bed every time.

You and your partner will love it.

Let's not go crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

It's not going to make you good at fucking.

Yeah, right.

You're still going to be.

You're still going to get winded.

I took a dig pal recently and had to take three breaks just because of my physical fitness alone.

Look, if it was just a limp thing, I wouldn't have to piss on people.

It's not going to make you not want to piss on people.

Yep, you're still going to choke bitches.

All that stuff.

You're still going to have to do it.

Chew it and do it.

So here's a great deal for you guys.

Visit Bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code COMETOWN.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

And you know what the N stands for.

Just pay $50.

Nice hard dick.

Yeah, nice hard dick.

You get one of those N-size dicks if you just use promo code COMTOWN.

Nice hard dick.

Nice hard dick.

A dick hard to the nth degree.

This is promo code Come Town.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That is Blue Chew, B-L-U-E, C-H-E-U dot com.

Promo code Cometown.

Fuck.

Here's the script, but please don't feel obligated to read verbatim.

Oh, we can use your own language.

Don't you worry.

About your own experiences, if you wish.

Make it fun.

We want to make this more about allowing you to have great sex with your partner rather than quote-unquote problems that keep you from performing.

You get to get this fucking prick stiff as hell with your partner, whether that's someone you love or it's a random woman that you just.

God, I would love.

Okay, Hey, maybe a lot of you are like there at this, but I would love it if the only thing I needed for confidence was to be able to fuck again.

That's pretty much all I need, though.

Honestly, that's why the dick pills are my fucking armor.

Also, though,

I put on a wig recently.

Guys, I took a pill and it turned me into a completely different person who's lived a different life and has a better heart than I do.

Somebody that's genuinely kind and empathetic at their core.

Dude.

And not an insanely jealous, petty piece of shit that's masking their true intentions.

Hey, man, it might help, dude.

Yeah.

Just because they're afraid of going to a hell that they never believed in.

Yeah, hell's not real, dude.

Yeah, but I don't know.

The older I get,

yeah, I don't know why I feel it.

I feel like I'm just like, there's some impending judgment.

No, I mean, not.

I've never even done anything seriously bad.

Yeah, except for that time you fucked that little baby in his mouth.

Yeah.

Other than that.

I remember that time I sacrificed that infant to Satan.

Just

so Hillary Clinton could be president.

And you didn't do the spell right.

And I didn't do the spell right.

And now here we are.

Yeah, how funny it would be if it turns out the Democrats were raping and murdering children just to put Hillary in office and then it didn't work and they're like, oh, oh.

Damn.

Oh, shit.

And the Podestas just have like infant blood all over their penis.

Yeah.

Penises.

Yes, of course.

And they're holding each other's dicks covered in infant blood and watching the election results as Donald Trump is elected president.

And then they slowly just stop jacking each other off.

And they're like, oh, shh.

Ooh, fuck.

We really stepped in at this time.

We definitely fucked the pumpkin on this one, Tony.

We, oh, boy, somebody screwed the pooch fig on this one.

There's just a pile of infants cracked like walnuts on the floor.

Just peanut shells of children.

Oh, it says, don't fuck 400 children.

Oh, boy.

God damn it.

Oh, boy.

You know, those motherfuckers had a bunch of babies lined up to fuck celebratorily, though.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

And those kids all went unfucked.

Probably had to go back to their family.

I was laughing about just it's the night of the election.

Hillary lost, and it's Bill Clinton coming into the bedroom.

And she's already got the lights off.

She's in bed, crying.

She wants to go to sleep.

And Bill walks in with a screaming infant.

And he's like, surprise.

Surprise.

Something to make you feel better.

I got something to make you feel better.

Oh, fuck.

Real quick, I know we usually do plugs at the end, but I want to announce this big show in L.A.

I'm coming, baby.

2-2, February 2nd, LA.

I'm doing a nice big fat tour.

Please buy those tickets.

Go to stavi.biz for all the information.

And I'm also coming to D.C.

on December 7th and 8th.

That's another big one.

Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Columbus.

Maybe we're going to get...

Keep a lookout for Pittsburgh and Buffalo.

Phoenix, I'm coming.

Tucson.

San Diego.

All that shit.

But yes,

big dick shit coming in L.A.

I want to see everybody there.

Please buy your tickets early so we can add more shows.

I got to get my calendar going, man.

Bro, you can just do the...

I'll hit you up with everybody I've done.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it's like, we already got the emails.

Lincoln Lodges.

I'm going to book.

Lincoln Lodge rules, dude.

That place fucking rocked.

But yeah, shouts out to fucking you just manage your own calendars.

Yeah, I know it's incredibly simple, and I did it for 10 years.

It's so easy from now.

I don't know what happened, but I can't bring myself to do anything.

Well, because

except gamble online at betthesi.com.

Betthesi.com is the premier sports betting something.

It's a website with an award-winning, easy.

We must have done the dig pill read for like

that was a long read.

It was a long fucking read.

Yeah, it was a 10-minute read.

Respect.

Damn.

You know what?

Bet the SI, and you know what?

I should be using Beth DSI because I have lost so much goddamn money in cryptocurrencies now.

It is fucking obscene how much goddamn money I've lost.

Today in particular, today is a bad

to be in crypto.

So you should be betting on sports, which

I mean, I'd probably be as good at that as I am.

Of course, yeah.

Shouts out to the cumboys that came to our show and told me they took my Bucks tip.

Just making money, dude, betting on Giannis.

Yeah, they have an easy-to-use mobile app, no fucking around with Chinese exchanges.

They go bottom up at any fucking point and just steal millions of dollars worth of people's money.

You don't have to worry about that.

Nope.

You want to talk about

sports books being shady?

Try dealing with fucking Korean businessmen.

Damn, hilarious.

Yeah.

Check that shit out.

You got

customer fucking serve 24-7.

Okay, yeah, 24-7 customer service.

There is literally no customer service in crypto, it doesn't fucking exist.

There's no one you can fucking contact.

Also, yeah, you want you want to know how good their customer service is?

24-7.

Compare that to American Airlines, they don't even have a fucking number.

Fuck it, you have to email American Airlines.

I will never fly American Airlines again.

Yeah, neither will I.

I will only use BetTSI.com.

Bet DSI Airlines, not good.

Bet the SI.com.

Instead of going on vacation, I'm just going to gamble online now because you're better off.

You have better luck gambling on betthsi.com than you do using American Airlines.

Everyone says that.

Everyone says that.

It's so true.

We say it.

I'm pretty sure I heard Joe Rogan say it on.

Joe Rogan said it.

Yep.

Joe Rogan loves BetDSI.

Hey, come down here for BetTSI.com.

Joe Rogan's favorite sports betting list.

Noodles from the offspring.

What do we bring to the table for clients?

Well, we will promise that we will offer offer official endorsements from bigger shows than ours.

How do we do that?

Illegally.

Ira Glass loves Bet DSI.

Hey, gay actor Michael Douglas here.

Yeah, yo, I'm from Baltimore.

I'm Donald.

I'm Ronnie, and I fucking love that shit.

As soon as I get a credit card, I'm using betdsi.com, yo.

Bet dsi.com.

You got picks?

Take the Ravens.

We haven't won in four weeks.

We're due, baby.

Take the Ravens.

Always.

Put your fucking life savings on.

Joey Flax is injured, I think.

Turdland, baby.

That's right.

No.

Not Turdland.

Turdland.

And then also, listen, take the Bucs every time you get a fucking chance to.

Giannis is going to be the MVP.

They just, you know, they had a beautiful, they fucking beat the Nuggets.

They beat the fucking Warriors in their fucking building.

Draymond wasn't playing, but who gives a fuck?

Giannis is looking beautiful.

He's about as, you know, it's just from one muscular Greek athletic freak to another.

Godspeed.

Take him.

Take the Bucs.

Take the Ravens.

That's all you need to know, motherfuckers.

That's easy fucking money.

Yeah.

And you know what?

They've been in business for 20 years.

There's nothing I've been doing for 20 years.

No.

Nothing.

Let's see here.

20.

I was like, four years old.

I may have been beating off for 10 years.

You weren't beating off at nine.

10, 9, 10, yeah.

Really?

Yep.

You could come at 9?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Your balls were producing cunts.

Dude, I hit puberty when I was in like first grade, I think.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So

I was like a grown man by the time I was,

what the fucking don't fucking call me.

American Airlines is literally calling me.

Did I tell you what they fucking...

So, yeah, they fucked up that flight and then we had to pay

$7.50 for a hotel because they didn't have enough people to book people for like hotels.

You want to stand up?

No, I'm not.

I'm not going to fucking.

They offered me $120 for the

hotel.

Which, from what I read online, you're not going to get any more than that.

Really?

Yeah.

That's horrible.

Yeah.

I'm just never going to fuck them.

Yeah.

They got an easy to.

You shouldn't fuck.

Yeah, Bet DSI.

Bet DSI.

They're great.

They got an easy-to-use mobile playing interface.

You play, win, get paid.

I love all those things.

And they offer odds on pretty much everything else, too, including all major sports, politics, reality TV, pretty much everything.

Yep.

They got a great mobile app.

Easy to use from fucking anywhere, baby.

I love that shit.

They offer live in-game wagering.

You know?

That's good.

Nobody knows, but nobody even considers in-game wagering.

Never, bro.

You're too busy watching the game.

Too busy at the big game eating fucking nachos.

Yeah, you know,

it's Thanksgiving Sunday.

That's right, bro.

Watching football, watching the Super Bowl on Thanksgiving Sunday.

Everybody's over at your house.

Everyone's over, your dad, your mom, Santa Claus.

Yeah, you're right.

You know what I'm saying?

Having eggnog.

Even the Jewish and Indian guy from the neighborhood finally squashing the beef.

Absolutely.

The two at odds.

You know how Israel took over a part of India and letting them have it.

They're at odds with each other.

It's Super Bowl, Super Bowl Thanksgiving.

Super Bowl Saturday Thanksgiving.

You're too busy watching and

end game wager, but

you got two buckets of some beautiful chex mix freshly made by your wife, who's a man, by the the way.

And he's like, honey, I made the chex mix.

And everyone's like, ooh, you're gay now?

I'm like, yep, I'm fucking gay.

And then you take a, you go, hold on, everybody.

I'm going to get a couple of cold ones out from the

garage.

You go out in the garage.

Everybody's enjoying the game.

You're out there gambling on your phone.

Game wagering.

Checking DMs.

You can see the red notifications.

You know, it's like you thought, nice breezy message.

Hey, I know we haven't seen each other since middle school, but

I just saw you on LinkedIn.

I know this isn't my name.

I know my, I'm not, my name isn't Frank.

You thought I was just some branch manager over Wachovia, but

yeah, it's me.

I was just wondering if, you know,

yeah, and then you see now the profile's disappeared.

Well, maybe it's just, maybe there's something wrong with the website.

So, you know, you do a good private browsing session, create a new profile, and it's still there.

So you're blocked, I guess.

The garage doors are already closed.

You're already in your car.

Might as well just start it up and see what happens.

You got a couple of ambient in your pocket.

You pop them, doze off, and then you wake up.

And your phone's buzzing?

Nope.

You don't wake up.

The in-game wager you placed went through.

Your wife finds it, and your wife is like, oh my God, he's dead.

My gay husband is dead.

But what's this on his phone?

He failed to cheat on me, and then his in-game wagering, he bet the farm, and now I have enough money to get that medicine.

To get it shopped off, if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's what Bet DSI can do for you, folks.

That's the Bet DSI promise.

That's the Bet DSI promise.

Your dead, your widow

trans husband.

He is going to be able to get the surgery with the money you win after you kill yourself.

Because you can't.

Won Super Bowl, Thanksgiving, Saturday.

Reconnect with a woman you never really felt anything for anyways.

You just want to recapture your youth.

Your youth.

When you want to trade it all in for something that would suck equally.

Yep, just a lateral move.

Just a lateral fucking move because you can never go back.

Bettheaside.com.

Promo code, what is it?

When you sign up, make sure to use promo code CUM120 so they know we sent you.

When you sign up, you've got some options.

You can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've even played at the tables.

Damn.

My dick is hard without.

It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash.

Can you imagine that?

Strolling into a casino.

They give you some bonus money.

You say, you know what?

I'm not even going to hit the tables yet.

I'm going to go up to my room on the 34th floor of the Mandalay.

Faking

off my bags.

You know, set up my laptops and security cameras.

And then I'm going to head down to those tables, play a couple of hands, wait until that Kenny Chesney concert gets popping,

and then we're gonna fucking play to win.

We're gonna bet play, win, baby.

Bet dsi.com

of the bump stop.

Oh, fuck.

What's the promo code?

Did you say it?

C-U-M-120.

That's it, folks.

C-U-M-120, motherfuckers.

Another 10-minute read.

Beautiful, though.

Yeah.

Damn,

I'm like Don Ass Draper over here.

You really truly are, bro.

That's what people want out of a commercial.

Is it for it to be 15 minutes long?

People are tired of 30-second commercials.

Why wouldn't you have a commercial that lasts an hour?

Mm-hmm.

Too much.

True.

So true.

What do you do for Thanksgiving?

I don't know.

You want to come to Baltimore, dude?

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Let's do it.

Yeah, hold on.

Parkland shooting suspect faces new charges after attacking Jail Guard.

Nice.

Yeah.

Which one was Parkland?

That's the big one that all the kids don't know.

This is great.

Yeah.

According to authorities, Nicholas Cruz attacked a detention deputy at the Broward County Jail in Fort Lauderdale after being told not to drag his sandals on the ground.

You know, it's like, you know, like, you know, these big criminals, it's like, yeah, it turns out James Holmes got raped in prison.

People are like, good.

Right.

I'm good on this one.

Fuck COs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CEOs are the worst kind of cop.

And I know it's like a low-income job that poor people usually have because they live in some shithole that's just next to the prison.

Right, right, right.

But fuck them anyways.

Okay, fair, fair, fair.

Yeah.

You know who I do feel bad for is those CEOs.

Whenever there's a prison riot and it's like the prisoners have taken over the prison.

Oh, yeah.

And they have three, they're holding three COs.

And it's like, yeah, you better hope those guys die.

Yeah, yeah.

That's going to be horrible.

Yeah, yeah.

Just getting their fucking mouths fucked.

Oh, teeth bashed out.

Yeah.

Wearing a dress.

Yeah.

Some guy just knitted.

There's a guy who's a fucking tailor.

I learned how to become a seamstress just so I can fuck your ass when we take over the jail.

I would honestly respect the fucking ass.

I'm going to put on a fashion show.

I'd respect the fuck out of the guy who learns how to fucking

be a tailor just to fuck, just to make his rape even more ornate.

That would be a better version of the Phantom Thread.

That's what that movie should have been about.

It's about a guy in prison, a prison rapist, who's patiently making the nicest dresses in the world to put on the guards to rape him.

And at the end of the last 15 minutes of the movie are just

some guy from some bullshit town in Tennessee screaming as his big mountain dew tits are titty fucked.

Well, he's wearing a dress that would cost $80,000 if he bought it in Milan.

Beautiful gown.

Yeah.

My work here is complete.

My work has been completed.

Fuck.

What was the Phantom Threat about?

I never saw it.

A toxic relationship.

No.

You know what I did see?

Call Me By Your Name.

Yeah.

Shit ruled.

You're right.

Fucking great.

It's a great movie.

Yeah.

Particularly, I really.

Something about Army Hammer's character and the kid's dad's character.

Something about those two guys that just really

resonated with me.

You know what I mean?

Didn't you feel the same way, Nick?

What do you mean?

I don't get it.

Oh, they're both closeted homosexuals.

Oh, I mean, everyone in the movie is gay.

No.

The dad's not gay.

Yeah, he is.

No, he's not.

He's got a big speech at the end where he says he's gay.

No, he's not.

He doesn't say he's gay.

No, he's talking about having a relationship or whatever.

He's gay, bro.

I don't recall that.

Yep.

No, he means he wanted to fuck somebody other than the mom.

Enzio is going to be alright or whatever.

Be alright.

Yeah, yeah.

The movie isn't about someone that almost became gay.

I don't think you're walking away with that.

It's a beautiful story about a boy that almost fucks up and becomes gay.

Oh, no.

But then he's alright.

I mean, he gets to be gay.

The other two don't get to be gay.

Actually, you're the homophobe.

In my telling of the thing, it's good to be gay and bad to be in the closet.

Is it?

Mm-hmm.

Well.

That man was horny as hell.

It was cute how much he wanted to suck cock, dude.

Yeah.

NZO.

What the fuck was his name?

En-EO?

Yeah, Elio.

Elio.

I like NZO better.

Somebody just reminded me of First Reformed.

I never saw it.

You should see see that, dude.

That was the best fucking movie I saw last year.

All right.

First Reformed is great.

Ethan, young Ethan.

Dude, he is a great actor, and he's in great movies.

And yeah, no, that movie fucking ruled.

I loved it.

I loved it so much.

I'm going to check it out.

Yeah.

Damn.

But I want to do a Call Me By Your.

I want to be in that little town, dude, riding a little bicycle.

I would like it to be a woman who I'm having sex with, but I guess I could get sucked off by Timothy Chalamet.

Yeah, Chamalay.

Chalamet.

If he grows his hair out, maybe.

Shamelon.

Timothy M.

Nice.

How you doing?

My name is Shyamalan Timothy.

How you doing?

My name is Gay Actor Shyamalon Timothy.

Chamolay.

Gay actor Chamolay shows up to the Grammys this year wearing a dick tuxedo.

That's weird, though, that he's not gay.

Neither of them are gay.

Timmy?

Timmy Timmy?

Yeah, neither of them.

Yeah, and they just had to suck each other's dicks.

Yeah, on cam.

On cam.

Yeah.

For a movie I saw.

It was only 15 minutes long.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I recently watched Call Me By Your Name on xnxx.com.

Hold on, let me go to XNXX and type in Call Me By Your Name and see what the fuck comes up.

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

I liked how

it was about word economy.

You know what I mean?

That script, not an ounce of fat on it.

Yeah.

They barely speak to each other.

It's a real

script.

These charged gazes and these full asses.

Call me by your

name on XNX.

Yeah, let's see what we got there.

Suck me by your dick.

That's what I'm saying.

Here we go.

We got Call Me Auntie Tia, and it's a trans woman getting her dick sucked by.

By a woman?

Looks like maybe another trans woman.

I'm in.

I'll take that.

How do they look?

Can I see?

They look alright.

I mean, I'm not really into it.

I'm in there.

Yeah.

I'm going to look up Call Me By Your Auntie Tia later, dude.

Yeah.

Desi girl and her husband.

Yeah, we don't really have anything going on here.

Bummer.

Yep.

Army Hammer.

My man, my man rocks, dude.

I fuck with young Army.

Yeah, do you?

Mm-hmm.

Although he was a little old for that part, I feel like.

How old should he have been?

Um,

like 25

'cause Enzio was like 16, I think, or some shit.

Elio?

Yeah, Elio.

Call me, call me very gay.

Is that a good one?

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, I hope I fucking die soon.

Oh, man.

Come on.

We got Thanksgiving to look forward to.

Oh, we got Thanksgiving to look forward to.

Everybody's like, who's excited about Thanksgiving?

I am.

Yeah.

Yeah, dude.

I got my house.

I'm not going to see my dumb fucking family.

I mean, I'll see my mom and my brothers, but I'm not going home for Thanksgiving.

We can have a little Thanksgiving at my pad.

Maybe we get Korean barbecue on Thanksgiving.

You know what I'm saying?

that sounds like a nice day go do some spots in dc maybe that weekend

get up god damn i wish i had this fucking sucks dude this money sucks all the money you're losing i'm losing so much money

shit i hate i really am sad for you bro nah it's whatever you know what i kind of like it you you are a fucking maybe you're uh maybe you're like one of those wall street guys that wants to get their nuts stomped on wall street money never fucks yeah wall money never fucks wall street money never nuts

Fuck it.

Yeah, just keep spitting on it.

No, I'll do another line.

Shut the fuck up.

You don't know anything about my heart.

Yeah, that was my ex-wife's name.

Gloria?

Yeah, that was my ex-wife's name.

Would you ever get like candle wax dripped on your nuts and get dominatrix?

Nah, this is boring.

Really?

Yeah, I've done all that.

Yeah, I don't want to do it, but only because I'm too sensitive about it.

Yeah, I've been stabbed, shot at.

No,

I've never had a lady get real rough with me, and I don't think I want to.

Yeah.

Because I'm too delicate a boy.

My whole thing is

sex without a condom.

That's kind of my kink.

Yeah.

I'm like, don't kink shame me.

This is my kink.

Because

when you do like piss stuff at 18, you really got to step on the gas after that.

Yeah, that's true.

Or you just come back to normal.

I mean, you were doing heroin and shit.

Well, yeah, sometimes.

I wasn't like I was a junkie or whatever.

Yeah, but you

that's kind of you weren't pissing every time, were you?

Oh, no, no.

No, like, I'm not even into that.

This is like a thing I've tried a handful of times with

four or so people.

Yeah.

And it's like never like,

I mean, maybe I've initiated it a couple times, but it's like not like.

Yeah, I mean, it can be hot.

Yeah, it can be hot to piss all over somebody's face.

I would try that.

Yeah, I'm sort of interested in that.

Now that I think about it.

I guess I can be honest with myself.

Yeah,

it can be cool.

Yeah.

You know what my biggest issue with that is?

I have a weak stream.

So I would have to drink a lot of water.

And then at that point, you're just really pissing clear stuff on them.

What's the point?

Oh, yeah, but you want that.

You want it to be like, you don't start people off with fucking

hot, sticky.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't

go hang around.

I've had the flu for a week, and I've been living off NyQuil piss.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I'd like to have some.

I'm getting to the point in my life too where I might even try being pissed on.

Which that in the past that was like absolutely not interesting.

But yeah, I mean, fuck, you know, hey.

I can't see that yet.

But maybe, maybe if I, but when I started eating sushi, I was eating only

stuff.

You got to like find in life what you like.

You know, you got to pursue every avenue.

Yeah.

It's what King Solomon did, and he died happy, if I'm to understand the Bible.

Yeah, he fucked a bunch of women and stuff.

Fucked that baby in half.

He learned everything.

And then the moral of the story was that pursuing every indulgence will always bring you happiness.

Damn, that's crazy because that's how I live my life, and I'm very depressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, you got to believe in God also.

Oh, okay.

Fuck.

That's really what the Old Testament teaches us: is that if we believe in God and also act only in our own interests at all times, you will live a happy life.

Nice.

Which, now that I think about it, I started saying is a joke, but it's also true.

Sounds pretty true, actually.

Yeah, that's what being a morph.

I wasn't Solomon, huh?

What did actually.

Oh, I don't fucking.

I thought he did end up just living a good ass life.

Yeah, but isn't it like, what is it like

his reflections in

Ecclesiastes about

how you can't?

I don't know.

I started making the point, and I know I barely remember.

Even if he did, let's say when he's old as shit and he feels bad, he was still having a great time.

Sure.

You know what?

And that is true.

I spent all my time fucking miserable.

Like, I hated that trip we were on.

But then a couple weeks go by, and you're like, God, my life fucking sucks.

I wish I was still in Japan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it's like you can't, you'll never feel good about anything, but you will have enough distance that you can't remember how bad you felt.

I think you can feel good about some things, man.

No.

No, it's not possible.

I think we're both pretty depressed.

I went to therapy yesterday and I was arguing that I wasn't depressed.

And then my therapist was like, wait, you're wearing the exact same sweats you were wearing last week.

Yeah.

I had just been wearing them a week straight.

I'm wearing them right now.

I'm wearing the sweatsuit right now.

I was like, all right, you got me there, bro.

Maybe I am depressed.

Yeah.

Shout out to Stops Therapist.

Yeah, he's a good dude.

All right.

Well, I guess it's time to wrap this up here.

Wrap it up like my cock.

Wrap it up.

Don't ever use condoms.

Don't use condoms.

Oh, also, you know what?

I said that I haven't been, but Red Dead Redemption is fucking great, dude.

I got to get it.

It's so good.

It's so goddamn good.

I haven't played like none of the story.

I'm like literally just just going around fucking hunting.

I found the trapper right away.

And then it's just, yeah, just like collecting as many pelts and beautiful.

And looking at birds through binoculars and studying them.

Collecting all the flowers.

I love that shit.

You could just do that kind of shit here, man.

No, you can't do that shit in New York.

You really fucking can't.

You have to make tens of millions of dollars and then move to the fucking mountains.

You could go to the fucking upstate for a sec.

Not for a sec.

I need to be.

You need to live there.

It needs to be, look, I need need to, I'm like a checkout kind of guy.

I live in extremes.

I can't sample things.

You know?

Yes.

You don't do a little bit, you go all the way.

Of course.

So I'm going to lose all my money in cryptocurrencies.

Yes, sure.

And yeah, no, another guy I talked to about investments who I unfortunately, well, I told him to get in on.

basic attention token a couple weeks ago and then get out right before that coinbase listing so he did make a little bit of money okay but he's just texting me what is going on

Honestly, anyone that listens to you for financial advice deserves it.

And look, I've made good calls.

Anything I've like, I mean, I've done like dumb shit on my own, but anything I've recommended on the show, look, I have a fiduciary responsibility

to the listeners.

You're not only our listeners, by pledging $5 a month, you're actually shareholders.

And we have a fiduciary responsibility.

That's why I give locks of the motherfucking century during our fucking Bet DSI picks.

Every single call I've made on crypto on the show has been fucking rock solid.

Okay.

Every single one.

Every single one.

Every single one.

I've never rich people out here because of you, man.

Yeah.

I made some guy, some guy I met him.

He emailed me.

He's just wanted to say, hey, thanks.

I was working at Burger King, and then last year I made a couple of plays on the smart money decisions in your smart money corner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mullins money.

Mullins' money.

I listened to your smart money podcast, Come Town.

Jim Kramer recommends Smart Money Podcast Come Town.

And my net worth is now $800 million.

And he's still working at Best Buy because you don't want to.

Yeah, Bert's working.

Look, this young man, his name's Carlos.

He works at Best Buy.

Maybe some of you know him.

He's like, Hey, my name's Carlos.

I'm Carlos.

I love Best Buy.

I love going to Best Buy, but I also love working at it.

And I that's one of the two things in my life that I enjoy is driving my ninety-eight Honda Civic, the Best Buy, where I can make purchases of all the new electronics with features.

And that's that's the thing that you don't even really realize is like how many features some of the electronics have until you actually

really understand.

You know what I'm saying?

Because I love Best Buy and I love purchases.

I love that shit.

Best Buy.com

purchases.

$800 million from NYX.

Smart Money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Decisions.

That guy made a lot of money off me.

So now I'm investing in Red Dead Redemption and eating fucking premium saltine crackers.

That's right.

Just praying for death.

Just begging

somebody to walk up and put a fucking gun to the back of my head and just end it.

Wow.

Can I take out a life insurance policy on you?

Yes, we already went into that.

Okay.

Everyone can take the life insurance policy out on anyone.

All right.

Well, since we're, you know.

business partners, associates, I feel like I get a pretty nice rate.

Probably.

Yeah.

Maybe

look.

Maybe I'll start.

If you think Adam doesn't already have

life insurance policies on both of us

there's no way in the world he doesn't have adam keeps trying to get you to do cocaine he keeps feeding me burgers and shit

what would he do if we both died i don't know what would his life be that's enough we have to keep going for adam

we have to keep chugging along before adam fucking has to go like what would he do yeah what would he do i don't know Maybe become a lawyer finally?

Maybe.

Maybe go back to being a lawyer.

I guess Dasher would have to get a job.

Yep.

He would become the third Mike on Red Scare.

Yeah, yeah.

That's not true.

Adam, shut up.

Fine.

Okay.

The levels are good.

He's just a producer.

Well, folks, I do want to live for at least a couple more weeks.

If you're you're in Long Island on the 30th this month, 11.30, I'm at some fucking place on Long Island.

I should have known this, but please buy tickets.

It's at like the fucking atrium of a movie theater.

The atrium of a movie theater.

I'll be there.

And then I'll be live, one night only, at some movie theater

in Long Island, New York.

Yep.

And then the weekend after that, I am in D.C.

This is a big one.

Like I said, the seventh and the eighth.

Please buy tickets to that motherfucker.

At a different movie theater.

It is not at a movie theater.

It's at the D.C.

Draft House.

Which is a movie theater.

The Arlington Draft House is a movie theater.

The D.C.

Draft House is a comedy venue.

Make sure you buy tickets to the Arlington Draft House.

Go to ArlingtonDraftHouse.com.

D.C.

Draft House.com.

Looking for Stavros, and then email Adam saying the show was canceled.

And then the weekend after that, if you're in Indianapolis on the 13th, I'll be there.

No Indians allowed.

You can come to your Indian.

The name fool you.

Cincinnati.

No Indians in Indianapolis.

I'll be on the 14th, Cincinnati, 15th in Columbus.

And I might add Cleveland on the 16th.

I don't know yet.

Zero Chinese people will be admitted to the theater.

Plenty Chinese are all out.

Welcome.

And then we've got a couple things cooking for Pittsburgh, Buffalo, and Phoenix.

Can't announce yet, but keep an eye out.

And then, like I said, the other big one.

LA, February 2nd.

Please buy tickets to that motherfucker early so I can add extra shows.

I'm trying to go hang out in in LA for a little bit.

And then I'm also going to be in San Diego the Sunday before that on the 27th.

So that's it, boys and gals.

Please fucking buy tickets to all those.

I'm coming.

I'm sucking you off across this fine nation.

And I'm trying to add a couple more dates.

So look out for those.

Please come give me a little smoochie poo and buy tickets and suck me off.

Oh no, Nick's dead.

Oh,

Adam, what are you going to do?

It's going to be great when I'm dead, and my memory just haunts him for the rest of his life.

That would be wild.

All these things that I said on the show, him having to answer for

the rest of his life.

Yeah, I can get out of it.

Yeah.

I'll smile my way out of it.

No, you'll be fine.

You'll do stand-up and stuff.

Yeah.

Adam will be the fucking.

You know what's funny, too, is these markets will bounce back.

I'll be like, I feel really good.

I don't know what it is.

Something about having more money.

Yeah.

No, you've totally 100% just poured all of your hopes and desires into this crypto shit.

Oh, yeah.

And I respect it.

Usually it's drugs.

Oh, that's happening too, baby.

Nice.

Yeah.

If you want to mail me wink-wink,

don't finish that sentence.

Your Honor, I said wink, wink.

That means don't do it.

I explicitly said mail me narcotics and then said wink-wink, which means don't mail me narcotics.

I think that that makes sense to me.

You are off.

I'll drop all the charges.

The prosecutor's like, the charges were murder one.

He killed his business partner

because he had a paranoid fantasy about him taking out a life insurance policy on him.

Oh, fuck.

All right, folks.

That'll do it for us.

We're coming at you soon.

Also, Funny Moms in two weeks.

Coming at you live.

Coming at you, Jive, Assyria.

This was Wednesday.

We did record this today.

So

if you want, you'll feel closer to us, knowing just hours before you listen to this.

We recorded it.

Goodbye, everyone.