Ep. 127 – classico podacata

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that's quince.com slash tafs free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t a f s

Speaker 2 oh baby we're out here and we're sucking and fucking we're sucking

Speaker 2 and we're having just when you saw the sucking was over geting begin we're pulling now we're pulling the cock out of our ass and sucking it again bitch ready to fucking die

Speaker 2 we want to die. I hope I fucking die.
Please kill me, God.

Speaker 2 I wish I was dead. I'm fucking gay.
And I'm too scared to kill myself. Please kill me, God.

Speaker 2 Please put a gun to my head. I'm a coward.

Speaker 2 I'm gay. I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Come town, motherfucking classico, out and about. Adam.
Pod Casta Clásico. Pod Casta Clásiquinho.
Yo quiero podcasto clásico.

Speaker 2 Solo solomente stabros y

Speaker 2 doesn't matter as long as you know Adam.

Speaker 2 A lot of listen to the podcast Cometown that I listen to on a cup attached to a string that goes all the way

Speaker 2 through the caravan.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn, we hit the caravan too. Yeah, yeah, we're doing politics today.
Get this.

Speaker 2 Listen, these are bad ombres,

Speaker 2 and they're using a cup with a string on it to steal podcasts from across the. Oh, hold on.
Are they stealing the pages online?

Speaker 2 Look, they're stealing. Oh, dude, now I'm on the side.

Speaker 2 Now we got to crack down on these fucking motherfuckers. Look, Mexico is filled with people that not only steal the premium episodes, but then have the audacity to complain about them.

Speaker 2 Truly, the worst kind of. Yo,

Speaker 2 if the caravan was full of people that do that shit, I would personally take a fucking gun to every single one of those.

Speaker 2 And I'd kill the Mexicans. I'd use their guns.
Mexicans?

Speaker 2 The hypothetical Reddit guys. No.

Speaker 2 The Mexican Reddit guys. Nick, I didn't say Mexican.
Who all happened to be Mexican?

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 In this hypothetical, they're from Mexico. By the way, me and Nick have just been everything we've talked about has been via the monster mask.
Yeah. On this beautiful all-hallowed Eve.

Speaker 2 All hollowed pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. We get in there.

Speaker 2 Hollow out these fucking tools

Speaker 2 on your hole, bitch. Oh, I'm bad at fucking.
My dick doesn't work. Let me introduce you to the pit crew.

Speaker 2 Nine guys come in, all in jumpsuits. All jumpsuits,

Speaker 2 drills with dildos at the end of them.

Speaker 2 They come in, immediately just rip her legs off her body.

Speaker 2 And then she's just held up on jack stand.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they just attach a fatter black woman's legs to her body.

Speaker 2 They come up, rip her tits off. Huge black tits.
Big black tits. Big black tits, big, fat, black ass.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Pit stop complete. Better bitch, ready to go.

Speaker 2 She's just in agony.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the Better Bitch Pit Stop.

Speaker 2 All the fucking sutures are getting infected in real time.

Speaker 2 And then I'm just sitting on this woman's back as she's bleeding out, making race car noises.

Speaker 2 I love Monaco.

Speaker 2 The Monaco bitch.

Speaker 2 Just a bunch of fucking princes watching.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. I'd love to be a rich Monaco guy, dude.

Speaker 2 Isn't that like

Speaker 2 isn't that like the richest place? Or is it Abu Dhabi?

Speaker 2 Abu Dhabi, I thought, was the town from Aladdin.

Speaker 2 What am I thinking of? This guy sent me an email. I guess it's some like marketing company, and this is clearly a scam.
Okay. This is

Speaker 2 they're offering 10 to 40K in upfront marketing dollars. I love that.
I can't wait to hear what marketing dollars do. I love marketing dollars.
And the thing is, they're upfront. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The thing is, you would think upfront means they just give it to you, but it turns out you have to give them a couple dollars to really get the upfront dollars going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I'm not doing this shit. What do they want?

Speaker 2 I don't know. They sent me an email and they wanted to get on the phone immediately.

Speaker 2 Call him up, dude. Yeah, I guess.
Let's put him on the podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, let's just disrespect this guy. Call him gay and little dickhead.
Yeah, I can't wait to do it. I can't wait to call this man gay.

Speaker 2 I hope that he becomes gay. So let's run through real quick just

Speaker 2 the day's news. Okay.

Speaker 2 There's local reports that Super Mario,

Speaker 2 along with Luigi, has stumbled across a new hat to wear. It looks just like the Mario hat, except it's brown and there's an N on it.

Speaker 2 That can stand for a lot of good stuff, guys. Well, Luigi has Luigi is begging Mario not to put that.

Speaker 2 Please,

Speaker 2 do not put it on.

Speaker 2 There's no way that that's good.

Speaker 2 There is one very probable bad outcome of you putting on that hat.

Speaker 2 Best case scenario, you're in a back face. You put yes.

Speaker 2 The best case scenario, it turns you into a chocolate bar.

Speaker 2 And your chocolate, and the N stands for nougat.

Speaker 2 And we get chocolate, Mario. Best case scenario.

Speaker 2 It does nothing for you, Mario. It's not a power.
You do not want to be made out of chocolate. I want to be cool.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Luigi. Let's be honest here.
We both know.

Speaker 2 We both know what that N stands for and what's going to happen in front of us.

Speaker 2 They're going to cancel Mario.

Speaker 2 I'm going to accuse Mario of red Wario here. I have made a hat that makes Mario racist.

Speaker 2 And because he's addicted to fashion, as he is a homosexual bitch, he won't resist, be able to resist putting on the hat.

Speaker 2 Wario has invented an N-word hat that makes Mario run around yelling the N-word in blackface.

Speaker 2 Oh, fucking shit. It's Mario, Mario Land 2's, the six golden teeth.

Speaker 2 That was a tight game, Mario Land 2.

Speaker 2 Mario Land? Mario Land 2, six golden coins. I don't think I played.
I played Super Mario 2. Game Boy.
The one that was a stolen game?

Speaker 2 The one that they just stole from a different game? No, that was Super Mario Bros. 2.
I love that one. Yeah.
Everyone says that was a good one. Maybe that was Super Mario World 2? Yes, it was.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I played that on Game Boy Advance. Nice, bro.
Dude, it's advanced. It's like when your T-cell count drops.
Yep. And they're like, yo,

Speaker 2 damn, you just HIV is advanced. Leveled up.
Powered up.

Speaker 2 I was just laughing today about telling people I have her pays

Speaker 2 because I got it in France.

Speaker 2 I actually got it on the French Riviera. That's right.
The beautiful young girl, 11 years old. It's legal there.
That's part of being an artist. You go to France, have sex with

Speaker 2 sex with a people.

Speaker 2 Have sex with herpes-ritten children. An experienced 11-year-old

Speaker 2 on the beach. The beach where Faulkner once laid out and wrote My Cousin Vinny.

Speaker 2 That's my favorite of his. My favorite William Faulkner books.
Number one, My Cousin Vinny. I love how he does the

Speaker 2 real dialect.

Speaker 2 Like, he spells it ute.

Speaker 2 You know know what I mean? Like, you can really get a vibe for these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just beautiful, man. What are some of the other good Faulkner books?

Speaker 2 Another one is The Wedding Singer. The Wedding Singer.
That's a really good one. He wrote that one.

Speaker 2 All Dogs Go to Heaven. Yep.
That's him.

Speaker 2 I think it was called All Hounds Go to Heaven originally.

Speaker 2 All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Speaker 2 And it's a story of

Speaker 2 a German shepherd that lost all of his slaves.

Speaker 2 And he understands that slavery is bad, but he's still a gentleman.

Speaker 2 And goddamn, if anyone's going to take his gentleman sensibility away from him, least of all that bastard General Sherman.

Speaker 2 That bastard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't remember any. I mean, As I Suck Dicking.
Yeah, As I Lay Dying. As I Lay.
Absalom, Absalom. Wasn't that

Speaker 2 a shitty band also? Probably.

Speaker 2 That's a pretty fucking little dick-ass thing to do. Name your band after a book.
Yeah. Fucking nerd.
About a Boy by William Fawkes.

Speaker 2 Another thing I've seen. No, boys don't cry also.
I was having a pumpkin race latte today, instead of a pumpkin spice latte. Yep.
And it's a latte that tastes like Korean people.

Speaker 2 Is it the same race every time?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, no, it's a pumpkin race. Because Korean people look like pumpkins.
I suppose, yes.

Speaker 2 I always consider them to look more like Majin Buu. That's how I tell them apart from other Asians.
Majin Boo? Majin Boo from Dragon Ball. Oh, I didn't watch Dragon Ball.
Dragon Ball Z.

Speaker 2 Dragon Ball Z, as we call it in England. I was sucking on a dick late one night when my roommate came in to that awful sight.

Speaker 2 And he shrieked and screamed, and I had to explain it was a joke. It was a joke that I was doing.
I'm not gay. It was a joke.
It was a funny joke. It was just a joke.

Speaker 2 What you saw

Speaker 2 was just a joke. I am not gay.
I am not gay.

Speaker 2 Please show me your phone. Don't tweet that out.

Speaker 2 Let me see your phone. Just let me see your phone.

Speaker 2 Just let me see your phone.

Speaker 2 Your fucking phone. Yep, yep.
Please don't post any pics. Don't post pictures of my dick.
Going in. Going into that man's ass.

Speaker 2 Just that guy just fucking fleeing the scene immediately. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, super fans, we got a new Twitter account

Speaker 2 at Cometown Records. If you enjoy Cometown Classico podcast podcast,

Speaker 2 classico. The good kind of podcast.
The good kind of podcast. There are no facts.

Speaker 2 Nothing gay, but no one is inserting facts.

Speaker 2 Wait, William Falker didn't write All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Speaker 2 He's Don Yeah, well soon, Adam. He's sick, and I'm praying for our boy.
He has AIDS. He got it from being gay.

Speaker 2 This is the police. This is the police.
Sir, you're gay.

Speaker 2 Sir, sir, sir. This is the police.
You're gay. We have a helicopter.
We have a helicopter house. You're surrounded and you're gay.
You're surrounded. Sir, you're gay.

Speaker 2 That's another one that was getting as good. Yeah, we've been doing some good bits, guys.
Honestly, me and Nick were talking about just starting to always have field recorders on us.

Speaker 2 And the second a bit pops off, we just start. We should do at least one podcast.

Speaker 2 We're just a headset on. A headset throughout it.
We should hang out all day one day. Just click it on.
And click it on. And then just really.
That would be a fun one. Just out in the field.

Speaker 2 You hear the ambient noises. You hear the titties of the beautiful women that are around us constantly slapping together.

Speaker 2 That kind of stuff. Yeah.
You know. Like Nob Evans, and it's a place where you eat dick for breakfast.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Say we were walking past the Bob Evans.
Yeah, that would be a thing that would be good. Then you would, you know, let's say we were walking past

Speaker 2 Let's see here, Key Foods. What you know, what might we say there? Gay foods.
Gay foods, exactly. I mean, that's the kind of shit that

Speaker 2 you know. Anyways, if you want to look at the Twitter account Come Town Records, you got to go to patreon.com/slash Cometown and sign up.

Speaker 2 And then you are allowed, you have permission to go look at the Cometown records. Otherwise, you are committing theft and fraud, and we will fucking have you arrested, dude.

Speaker 2 After spending just hours and hours of my life on airlines and in airports, brutal. I'm now a fascist.
I love the rules.

Speaker 2 Everyone has to obey the rules.

Speaker 2 This fucking dumb bitch stewardess comes by and

Speaker 2 she says,

Speaker 2 Can't believe it. This lady walked walked by and took a pillow and blanket from first class.
Can you believe it? She's telling us that.

Speaker 2 Like, bitch, anything bad that happens to first class, this is the place where socialism can start. It's in coach.

Speaker 2 That's the case. Well, she's trying to talk to other people and coach.
Yeah. As if we're supposed to be like, how dare she

Speaker 2 take that fucking pillow. This woman

Speaker 2 came into this rich guy's house and took some extra medicine he wasn't using for her dying daughter.

Speaker 2 Can you believe what a dumb bitch she is?

Speaker 2 Yeah, fuck that, dude. And it's like, there's so many people on planes that love the rules.
Yeah. Yeah.
That fucking dumb old bitch. Oh, I almost went off on her, dude.

Speaker 2 When she wouldn't let me fucking, she had those front seats, like, where there's no other thing in front, and I was trying to take a piss at the other side. And I was like, excuse me.
I was so polite.

Speaker 2 People don't do it anymore. Oh, go ahead.
I was so polite. I was like, excuse me, could I just go through here? And I mean, I don't even think you have to.
Like, to me, it's like

Speaker 2 there's an extra, there's extra fucking room. And she's like, oh, I suppose that's fine.
And she gave me some tone. And you know, your boy's not having that.

Speaker 2 So I was like, is this really a problem for you, bitch? Yeah. I didn't say, bitch, but I said, is this really a problem for you? She's like, you know, we paid extra for these seats.

Speaker 2 And I just, I fucking hit her with, you know, just have some common decency. Yeah.
I felt so good, dude. I felt like I out.
Can I see your manager? Or can I see your manager, bitch? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was ready. Never mind the fact that her dumbass husband was screaming the whole flight because he's deaf.

Speaker 2 I was ready to go off on his ass, too. I had some

Speaker 2 your gnome, your garden gnome-looking husband

Speaker 2 in the chamber, ready to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was ready to make fun of her haircut. I was ready to be.

Speaker 2 I was like, you know. That would be so funny.
She has no idea we know each other.

Speaker 2 She just

Speaker 2 four o'clock vector with the like, is this old faggot causing a problem for you, sir?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you call me, sir. Excuse me, my unrelated sir.

Speaker 2 The sir, who is on the plane. Why, thank you, the pilot of this fucking airplane who was sitting in the back.
Oh, my God. I didn't realize I was

Speaker 2 on the same flight as Chris Kyle,

Speaker 2 the American sniper,

Speaker 2 who's now an air marshal, who's been resurrected and is now an air marshal. Who had to fake his own death to become a morbidly obese air marshal?

Speaker 2 That'd be a fun TV show about the air marshal that's widely fat. Yep.
And he takes up three seats because he's the best damn air marshal. And his fucking gun keeps going off.
There's nothing wrong.

Speaker 2 There's nothing worse than being a fat man. He keeps having gay sex in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 That's an aspect of the show also.

Speaker 2 The phone is an anthropomorphic phone that turns into, I guess, kind of a man

Speaker 2 and has gay sex. Yeah, now he's a phone.
Oh, he's a phone. Oh, no, I was saying he...

Speaker 2 What? He turns into a phone? No, you just said that. I was saying he keeps having gay sex in the bathroom.
Oh, I thought, what did you say? Did you say phone? I don't think I said phone.

Speaker 2 Did I just make you saying phone up? Yeah, I think you just. I thought you said he takes his phone out.
No, no, no. And he has gay sex.
No, no, but I do like this angle that he's like a

Speaker 2 shapeshifter. Yeah, he's a shapeshifter.
He's a more he chooses to be morbidly over. He's gonna be fat as shit.

Speaker 2 But he turns into a phone that has gay sex in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 That's fucking tight. Would this one have a dick?

Speaker 2 Of course,

Speaker 2 okay. All right, you have to enter the secret code into the touchpad.
Oh, shit. And then it's like,

Speaker 2 and then the dick comes out of the screen.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like magic, like the ring.
Yeah, yeah. Like the ringu.
It'd be cool if that ring girl came out of the TV pussy first. Absolutely.
You know what I never understood what that means?

Speaker 2 Absolutely. She has to crawl out of the TV.
It's like, just walk up and put your dick in her mouth.

Speaker 2 Get your dick sucked. Yes.
If you're going to die, you might as well on the way out, get your fucking

Speaker 2 dick just coming in a dead girl's mouth. Do you know what I'm saying? And she looks slimy and shit.
Her mouth's probably nice and wet.

Speaker 2 That's what they don't tell you: the only way out of the ring is if you beat off to the video. Interesting.
Yeah. Yes.
You see that little girl going into that well. Okay.
You know, and you're like...

Speaker 2 That's kind of a

Speaker 2 well as a pussy. Okay, all right.
Oh, you took it a different way. Right.
You want a whole Japanese girl to crawl into your ass.

Speaker 2 How about like the world's most notorious pedophile, and he kidnaps people's infants and then shoves them up his ass?

Speaker 2 It's like, I just want to feel like a mom. It's the hardest job in the world.

Speaker 2 It's the toughest job in the world.

Speaker 2 I guess I'm stealing valor. He just puts on dresses and he puts on pant suits and sends emails while a baby is in his ass.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would love to do stolen valor videos, but it's like just a butch woman confronting trans people, uh-huh. You know, be like, oh, that's interesting.
Where'd you serve?

Speaker 2 What bathrooms?

Speaker 2 You know, something like that. Oh, we had a pretty good one.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's fucking

Speaker 2 jackass.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I've been having a lot of fun with, oh, I'm Bam Margaret. This is sunk in Phil's dick.
Sunken on Phil's dick while he's trying to sleep.

Speaker 2 But it's jackass, and they take dick pills while in his skirt, and they go into the women's bathroom.

Speaker 2 And so they have a really hard dick.

Speaker 2 And they're dressed like, and basically, it's this is jackass, and we're setting back the trans women. This is jackass.
10 years. And this is get trans people in trouble.

Speaker 2 This is do what Republicans claim trans people actually do.

Speaker 2 I am a faggot. I can't wait to suck a dick.
You know, and then that.

Speaker 2 Ben Margera kick-flipping into a woman's bathroom. Was his dick out?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm a fucking girl. Yeah, I'm a girl trying to use

Speaker 2 the ladies' piss pot.

Speaker 2 Jackass will return

Speaker 2 in a brief moment.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude, I love this new jackass reboot we're working on. We got Sunken Phil's dick.
Sunken Phil's dick.

Speaker 2 There was something about Steve-O

Speaker 2 get someone's fucking him in the ass and he's just throwing up.

Speaker 2 I'm Steve-O, and this is have gay sex.

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 2 I'm fucking Steve-O.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so those are the two we have so far, or three, I guess.

Speaker 2 Bam, leave your father alone. He's got to work in the morning.

Speaker 2 Come on, Bam. Get my fucking dick out of your mouth.
I ain't trying to get my dick sunk.

Speaker 2 Come on, Bam. Bam, it's 4 o'clock in the morning.
I don't want to get my dick sunk right now.

Speaker 2 Bam, I got to work in the morning. Bam, you know I got to work in the morning.
I ain't trying to get my dick sunk.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Oh, actually, we should also say, this is a bummer alert, and we're sorry.
But we had to, we're going to have to reschedule our shows in the south. Yeah.
We fucked up some scheduling and

Speaker 2 we're not going to be able to make it. And our dicks are small for that one, and we apologize.
But, you know, you should honestly be preparing for the caravan anyway. Yeah.
You're closer.

Speaker 2 So, we're actually, what we did is we canceled the show

Speaker 2 to give you more time to prepare for the caravan. 16 covered wagons filled with Mexicans and Icestrett.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. To fucking junkos, insane clown stuff.
That's right. You know, insane clown.
I think posse is already a Hispanic word.

Speaker 2 Bussy. Bussy.
We are going to warm it, boss.

Speaker 2 Anyways.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, sorry about that.

Speaker 2 I don't want those guys coming over here because I don't want them doing the voice and diluting my market. Interesting.
Yeah. So you just don't...

Speaker 2 That's your problem with Hispanic people seeking asylum is the voice. I mean, look what happened to Blackface guys once.
Black people were allowed to do music

Speaker 2 on the TV.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That is what killed Blackface.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, not that it's right

Speaker 2 what Al Jolson was doing. Sure.
But he had. But the man had

Speaker 2 mouths to feed.

Speaker 2 Big red painted mouths.

Speaker 2 His kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The Jolson Christmas photo.

Speaker 2 Why was anybody thinking about Al Jolson's children?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. You know how expensive it is? A little wing nut and mud flap Jolson.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's my son, Ding Bag.

Speaker 2 His son doesn't even know how to speak any other way than like racistly. Yeah.
Oh, shucks, Paul.

Speaker 2 I was very grateful, or whatever, you know, etc. It feels wrong to do it, even in the context of this bit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you do it anyways. That's what you say.
But you power through. That's what the show's about, man.

Speaker 2 This is gay jackass, and this is put on black faces on each other's dicks. Yeah, you're washing gay jackets.

Speaker 2 And this is racist gay guy.

Speaker 2 Come on, Bam.

Speaker 2 You're getting shoe polish all over my dunk.

Speaker 2 I ain't sure to get dunk all over my shoe.

Speaker 2 Bam. Bam, come on, Bam.

Speaker 2 My balls look like plums. Yeah, yeah, bam.
You gave me prune nuts.

Speaker 2 Putting your big purple lips all over my dunk. Shut the fuck up, Bill.

Speaker 2 Bam, Bam. Your father doesn't want a black nuts, bam.
Your father's got to go to work at the gay store.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's right, bam.

Speaker 2 Yeah, forget

Speaker 2 on gay racist jackass.

Speaker 2 Me dad works at the gay store.

Speaker 2 This is Steve-O, and this is have gay sex while you say the n-word

Speaker 2 Come on, say it, Steve-O.

Speaker 2 Just say it, man.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Yep, yep. This is all good.
Me and Nick were also thinking about doing a sketch show for some of these ideas, you know? Yeah. Just capturing our twisted imaginations.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is

Speaker 2 Eat Turds Out of My Friend's Ass.

Speaker 2 That one sounds too close to an actual chance. Yeah, he has one on it.
Pretty much, yeah. You try and think of.
Yeah, you try, and even the gay one, half the shit they do is already gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shouts out to Chris Pony, says dick in the little mouse costume.
Hey,

Speaker 2 I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is laugh at a retarded man in public.

Speaker 2 Yep, there we go. Yeah, this is like a guy with Down syndrome trying to like, he's with his adult father.

Speaker 2 I guess, of course, his dad would be an older gentleman. Yeah, just a 75-year-old man.
They're holding hands. Holding hands with a 52-year-old man.
Yeah, yeah. John Knox was like, ha,

Speaker 2 ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

Speaker 2 oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's laughing at the fucking face.

Speaker 2 I can't believe it. He's laughing right in his fucking face.

Speaker 2 The rab himself just fucking slapped this retard in the face with a turn.

Speaker 2 Spike James just gave this retard a haircut yes

Speaker 2 preston just kissed this retard on a dick

Speaker 2 hey i'm johnny knoxville and this is be gay with a retard

Speaker 2 i'm steve owing this we're here at king of prussia mall

Speaker 2 and we're gonna

Speaker 2 and we found the retard

Speaker 2 i'm wearing a dress and my dick is hard and we're gonna have gay sex with the first retarded we see.

Speaker 2 I'm going to sunk his dick.

Speaker 2 This is put Wee-Man completely in your ass.

Speaker 2 This is give birth to We-Man.

Speaker 2 We put Phil to sleep. We put We-Man crawled into his ass.

Speaker 2 Bam, what the hell is that? Phil, I think you're pregnant.

Speaker 2 I'm a man. We-Man, you got a kick.
Oh, shit. I think We-Man died.

Speaker 2 We suffocated. We man suffocated.

Speaker 2 We-man suffocated.

Speaker 2 Come on. The fireworks are going off.

Speaker 2 We man's lifeless body out of Phil's ass. Phil, you got a shit out, our friend.

Speaker 2 Bam, come on, Bam. You know, I don't got time for that.

Speaker 2 Come on, Bam. First, you sunk my dick,

Speaker 2 and now your door friend is dead inside my ass.

Speaker 2 Bam, how many times did I tell you not to put dead midgets in your father's ass? Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Voice of a generation, this podcast.

Speaker 2 Fucking smartest geniuses.

Speaker 2 That's so true. The world's smartest geniuses.
I'd like to see Neil deGrasse Tyson come up with something like that. He'd probably be like, oh, I'm gay.
I'm a fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Space plus five equals I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Don't ever try to podcast.

Speaker 2 That is so fucking true. I know.
Pick up this fucking mic, this fucking mic, Neil, you bitch. I bet you won't, bitch.
Neil, the down on your knees and suck my dick off ass Tyson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 I just dunked on him from half court.

Speaker 2 Dunk. Dunk.
We dunked on his fucking little dick ass. Yes.
You have a small penis, Neil. And we're only saying this stuff about him because he raped that woman.
Oh, yeah. Chris Benoit.

Speaker 2 Did you do a read?

Speaker 2 Not, we got another four minutes. Okay, cool.
I think. I didn't know if we're doing it early or whatever.
We're doing a wive weed.

Speaker 2 A wive?

Speaker 2 Does Obama's idealism belong in today's political?

Speaker 2 Let's talk about it. Dude, I'm losing the ability to read.

Speaker 2 Bro, welcome. I haven't read shit.

Speaker 2 I've been reading a book about. I've been thinking about getting hardcore into opiates.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 I, on one level, really support it, on another, I really don't, you know. For example, I do love the idea of us getting just codependent as hell back back to the fucking glory days.

Speaker 2 I'll get, I'll put on another hundred pounds, you get addicted to opiates, we're having a good time. Yeah, what's the story with this fucking Pittsburgh thing?

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 some guy pulled out pulled off a very,

Speaker 2 very not cool move, honestly. Who was the guy? Was it like a Dylan Roof type? Yeah, I don't know.
It was a white supremacist, I think. Yeah.
It'd be funny if it wasn't.

Speaker 2 It was just a guy that's like, look, I wanted to shoot a place up. Yeah, yeah.
The first place I saw. Yeah, there's like nothing race.

Speaker 2 It's like a whole entire Facebook profile is just Seinfeld quotes.

Speaker 2 It's the first place I saw.

Speaker 2 Favorite breakfast eating bagels and locks. Jerry, why wouldn't you just shoot the first place you find?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You never know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, that's a good bit. That actually is a good one.
Yeah, that actually, I mean, we've been spending most of the episode talking about gay, retarded blackface jackass.

Speaker 2 Talking about that is a funny bit. Caesar Sayok.
How about Caesar Sayit? That's right. And he says the N-word

Speaker 2 instead of keeping it bottled up inside until he has to take a little trip to the post office.

Speaker 2 Speaking of the post office. It's crazy that you can just do that.
That's how fucking incompetent the post office is. They delivered 11 bombs to people.
And a couple of them after it was already

Speaker 2 like De Niro's bomb didn't come all come out till like the end of the thing you got to feel like if a famous person if we're getting like a kind of heavy package sent to a famous person maybe and then it was like the crime I didn't read anything about the story me neither I haven't read anything on my gut I would say that the crime was solved by the FBI and the MYPD

Speaker 2 and not with zero help from the U.S.

Speaker 2 Postal Service police do they have a do they have their own their own internal uh armed forces i think so that would be awesome dude post office law enforcement That's awesome.

Speaker 2 Give one of those rude old bitches a gun, dude. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What was that? Did you go with me to the post office that one day where that bitch was just wildly disrespectful to me? No. When I was like, where are the stamps?

Speaker 2 And she was like, you need to get in line. And then was like just drinking out of her

Speaker 2 drinking out of her cup. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 At work?

Speaker 2 How you dare this?

Speaker 2 Yeah. You answer my fucking questions immediately, bitch, with a dry ass mouth.
Yeah. I need to fucking mail these fucking.
You are not allowed to lubricate.

Speaker 2 I need to mail back this fucking rare Japanese pornography that I ordered off of eBay because all the cocks were blurred out and they assured me they wouldn't be. Dude, jet lag sucks, dude.

Speaker 2 This is the worst feeling in the world. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I know I'm going to go. I'm not going to be able to sleep either.
Yeah, it's like unless you sleep right now and wake up at 1 a.m. you're going to not be able to sleep.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, you know, that's the thing when you're an international fucking playboy. Yeah.
Because you guys think we were out there doing live shows.

Speaker 2 We were actually having sex with Australia, the Australian volleyball team. Dude, I had sex with every girl in Australia.
I know that sounds like hyperbole. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I actually don't even know what a hyperbole means. Yeah.
Or what a hyperbole is. Hyperboles are so fucking stupid and fucking big.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hyper Bolly.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So it's like what? It's like a a faster version of Bolly, the country?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's hyper hyper Bollywood.

Speaker 2 It's every Bollywood movie, but it's really fast. Yeah.
At four.

Speaker 2 Hyper hyper

Speaker 2 high

Speaker 2 per

Speaker 2 bolly. Bolly.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn. I think I almost shit myself on that one.
That's awesome, dude. Yeah.
I wish I could shit myself. You can't.

Speaker 2 When was the last time you shit yourself? Years and years ago.

Speaker 2 Probably.

Speaker 2 Probably second grade, I'd say. No, you were drinking for that long and you never woke up with your

Speaker 2 pants. Never did I shit my pants.
You would piss, though. I would piss, but only because I would miss whatever I was trying to piss on and end up pissing in my own face.

Speaker 2 So that doesn't count.

Speaker 2 What were you trying to piss on, man? I don't know, the backseat of my car.

Speaker 2 I remember falling asleep in the backseat of my car.

Speaker 2 You just pull your dick out.

Speaker 2 You don't know which direction down is.

Speaker 2 One time I remember when we, maybe I've told a story on the pod, when we went to my friend's

Speaker 2 bar, you just pulled your dick out and pissed honestly on the most. You picked the most visible spot.

Speaker 2 You were trying to be like the street, and it was like Boston Street in the middle of that shit in Cannon. And you went under a street light, dick facing the road.
He just started pissing.

Speaker 2 It was awesome. Yeah, well, I had to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 And then my man, and then my man, we'll call him Doug,

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 I won't say anything more, but he worked at a bar and he's like a handsome man.

Speaker 2 I believe he's either married or in a serious relationship. And I had only like hung out with him at like family parties and shit.
Yeah. And then he's just, it was after a Ravens game.

Speaker 2 I think it was a Sunday, because it was like, I picked you up after that Sunday show at McGoobies.

Speaker 2 And just the fucking fattest, most disgusting. Yeah, like these bitches were from Dundalk, and like coming to Canton, coming into Baltimore City was like fancy for them.

Speaker 2 These bitches, literally, one of them was in

Speaker 2 white Ravens jerseys and camo pants, and he just starts triple kissing these two fat bitches

Speaker 2 in the middle of the bar he fucking works at. Yeah, I love to give a bitch the triple kiss.
He's just like,

Speaker 2 oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I wish I could have sunk your dick right now, Don.

Speaker 2 This is a guy who's really straight. He's like, damn, I love just like kissing girls.
Dude, I fucking love that shit. I don't know.
The way their

Speaker 2 soft, beautiful lips touch my lips. No, because he has gay sex, but he doesn't know what kissing feels like.

Speaker 2 Dude, I love, yeah, just the way a girl's mouth feels. You know, when it wraps around your mouth, and it feels like you're.

Speaker 2 Something like that. You guys do the work on that.
It feels like her lips are a dick and your mouth is an ass.

Speaker 2 The most beautiful kind of thing going on.

Speaker 2 Today's episode is brought to you by BetTSI.com, the premier sports betting website ever featured on this podcast.

Speaker 2 Easily that. It is easily that.
Easily the number one one. The number one one.
The one that I've fucking... That we've said about.
That I've said. Bet DSI has been in business for over 20 years.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Are you fucking serious? That's almost as old as I am. Shit.
Are you fucking serious? You know how old I am?

Speaker 2 How old? 29.

Speaker 2 You want to bet on it? Yeah, I'll bet on it. Well, you can bet a bet the aside of it.
How much? I don't know. $400.

Speaker 2 I bet you're not. I'll give you guys a hint.
I'm 29, so if you want to go and gamble online. Yeah.
Age, Nick Mullen. Gamble.

Speaker 2 God damn. I'm just going to turn 30 and then 40, and then I'm going to die.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, that is what's going to happen, probably. Fuck.
It will happen in that order. There'll be stuff in between.
Dude, I'm serious about getting into those opiates.

Speaker 2 I felt great the other day. Yeah, they feel good.
Somebody slipped me a little Mickey the other night. I don't know what that means.
I just like the expression.

Speaker 2 They put a whole glove in your ass. I had a great night.
They put a mouse in your ass. Let's get a little Mickey Mouse.

Speaker 2 Nice ass, Paget.

Speaker 2 Oh, what is this? A gay guy's ass? What are you? Hey, it's me. Gay Mickey Mouse.

Speaker 2 This is gay Disney jackass.

Speaker 2 This is sunk. Mickey Mouse's dick.
I'm gonna go into Phil's bedroom, ha ha, and I'm gonna suck his dick while he's trying to slip.

Speaker 2 Oh, come on. Mickey Mouse.

Speaker 2 Mickey, I don't want my dick sunk.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, Phil.

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Some other shit you don't even think about? Cooking. Will your roommate be cooking when you get home today?

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Bet DSI has a great mobile app. You use from anywhere.
I love that shit because sometimes I use other.

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Speaker 2 in the kitchen, of course,

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Right. If you're at Starbucks,

Speaker 2 you know, you try and use some of these betting apps at certain places,

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Bet DSI will work out. Somehow, the app has a consistent experience regardless of your physical location.
Yes, graphic location. Right, exactly.

Speaker 2 Which is unique to the Bet DSi app. That's definitely not a stupid fucking plan.

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It's definitely. Because I have had apps that are bad.
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For that reason. They offer live in-game wagering.

Speaker 2 I think you said that three times.

Speaker 2 Did I?

Speaker 2 What if it's live-in-game? Live-in-game wagering? It's, yeah.

Speaker 2 A bet take an anthropomorphic-sized bet comes to life. That's when you have like a live-in elderly.
I hope I don't fucking end up in that situation. What? What do do you think? Like a parent?

Speaker 2 You think you're going to have kids that love you enough to let you live with them? Oh, no. I mean, I hope I don't have to take care of one of my parents.

Speaker 2 You think you love your parents enough to take care of them? Yeah, you're right. I mean, it's going to be so awful when they get to the end and I'm just like not doing anything about it.

Speaker 2 I don't know. You sending me a texture.

Speaker 2 I'm going to feel so bad. And you will do nothing.

Speaker 2 I'm going to just be real. I'm going to be guilty.
Right. I'm going to have no one close to me in my life.
I'll be in a meeting with like somebody who doesn't want to work with me. Yep.

Speaker 2 But I've somehow in entertainment. Yep.
Because I'll just be one of those dinosaurs that gets to write on every garbage show. Oh, yeah.
Then I'll be like, yeah, things are really bad.

Speaker 2 My mom's homeless. And I'm not doing anything about it.
Oh, she's 87 years old.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I was.

Speaker 2 That problem should take care of itself. Right.
I was going to put her in a home, but then I didn't. And then,

Speaker 2 yeah, I didn't because I need all this extra income to bet and make even more money with live in-game wagering on Bet DSI.

Speaker 2 You can make plays throughout the entire games and events.

Speaker 2 So let's say it's,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Two to two. Yeah, the massacre at Baba Yar, you know?

Speaker 2 And you're saying, how many more people are they going to kill?

Speaker 2 Is that a real massacre? Baba Yar? I think so, right? I don't remember. It was like before the Holocaust, and they were just using guns on them.
Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Seriously, the Holocaust is fucked up. How the fuck are people Nazis now? People are still alive that got God.

Speaker 2 Preach. It's crazy, dude.
Preach. That shit is wild.
Absolute church. And you know who doesn't support Nazis probably?

Speaker 2 Bet the SI. Bet the SI.com.

Speaker 2 Here's what we're going to be betting on this week. Oh, I guess I wasn't supposed to say that.

Speaker 2 What am I betting on this week?

Speaker 2 yeah what are you betting on i don't know i've lost all my money in cryptocurrency yep that's why you should have betted all in bet the other i guess i guess people were right i should have kept my money in a bank

Speaker 2 rather than instead of some weird unregular

Speaker 2 chinese uh exchanges

Speaker 2 uh lower that It's creaking, dude. Oh, it's creaking.

Speaker 2 Hit the button to lower it to your little ass feet. I was saying, how about instead of the creak in the cave, it's the creak and I'm gay.
Yes. Mm-hmm.
Correct.

Speaker 2 All right, here's what you're going to bet on, motherfuckers, and you're going to make a ton of money. Motherfucking, tomorrow, big game, Milwaukee fucking

Speaker 2 plays the goddamn fucking Boston Celtics. You got to bet on the Celtics, baby.
No, you don't. Absolutely.
I don't bet on the Bucs. You bet on the Bucs.

Speaker 2 Giannis is

Speaker 2 out of the fucking concussion protocol. He's ready to go.
He's ready to fuck. He's ready to suck.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 you know, Kyrie looks better after cutting his hair, but Giannis is going to split his ass cheeks open and crawl up in there like he's Wee-Man going into Phil's ass in that one bit we did

Speaker 2 like 15 minutes ago. R.I.P.
to Wee-Man. R.I.P.

Speaker 2 to gay Wee-Man. We also wrote a sketch where it's the police trying to shoot a homeless guy in the dick, and he's dodging all the bullets, but they're still hitting all his other bullets.

Speaker 2 He's still dying, but

Speaker 2 his dick never gets shot. He's dodging where the bullets go.
And then they have, for some reason, a military funeral.

Speaker 2 Let's finish this read and then we can talk so much more about that.

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Speaker 2 getting a casino comp up front before you've played it. It's like getting your dick sucked by one of those fancy horrors.
It's like getting your dick sucked by one of those fancy horrors at a casino.

Speaker 2 Not one of the Chinese ones that hangs out by the buffet. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm talking a high-roller type of bitch.

Speaker 2 Pussy feel like genuine leather. That's right, Corinthian shit.
She's got her own lube that she prefers.

Speaker 2 Or you can take the bonus money, which is like... Oh, I said that already.
It has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash. Now, they tried explaining this to me three times, and I didn't get it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Which I'm sure if you gamble, you know what that means.
You know what it means. We don't have to tell you.

Speaker 2 Look, they offer bonus money. The point is, it's bonus.
It's free fucking money. It's free money.
You're a fucking idiot. That you have to gamble or something.

Speaker 2 So you can't just fucking take the money and cash it out. Yeah, but you, listen,

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I don't even give a fuck. The Tampa Del Rey Buccaroonos.

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The Miami Dolphins want to pick a new flavor of Doritos.

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Which would turn $1,000 into

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And I'll tell you what, I like playing with something. Titties.
That's right. A woman's breasts.

Speaker 2 Titty fucking. Or as I like to call it, hiding my penis.
Hiding my penis in where'd it go?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Is that it? Behind your ear? No. My coin-shaped dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, once again, that's betthesi.com. Come 120.
Let's start the show.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's sorry. I guess that's.
Are we supposed to read it in the past? I don't know. I think that, no, I think that's.

Speaker 2 Maybe this is. I think they just sent me Lewis's copy.
Gotcha. Which is why all of these words are spelled fanatically.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
There's just a picture of a house. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is great, dude. Or you can.

Speaker 2 He's looking over, losing his shoulder. Yeah.
It's just pictures. And like a little boy and a little girl holding hands going up a hill.

Speaker 2 And this is great, dude. You can win.
Don't little yellow circles.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Doggy Jack and Joe went up the hill.

Speaker 2 And they used promo code.

Speaker 2 Let's start the show.

Speaker 2 I have to take a most violent shit. A most violent shit.

Speaker 2 Johnny Violence. How you doing? My name is Lorenzo, and I would personally like to welcome you to Club Vasectomy.

Speaker 2 My name is Hot Dover, Delaware's Hottest New Night night club.

Speaker 2 Singles Night, Ladies' Night, Women's Night,

Speaker 2 Dames Night. Every night, a different type of bitch.
Guaranteed entry. Ladies' night.

Speaker 2 If you have fucked over 40 men, you are not allowed to attend. Ladies' night.

Speaker 2 We got nerd pussy night. If you know how to read, bitch, you get in for free.
Bitch, if you know how to read, I got something you can read right here. It's an instruction manual for my penis.

Speaker 2 A Super Nintendo game and replica instruction manual describing my penis. It's a tattoo under my balls that says, please suck me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I like to call my penis Nintendo Power because it's got tips and tricks.

Speaker 2 It has multiple tips. My dick has two heads.

Speaker 2 And that's a trick in and of itself.

Speaker 2 That would be tricky. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would love.

Speaker 2 Just pay a guy to go up to women and just say schizophrenic pickup lines to them.

Speaker 2 Damn, girl. Did you know they call my penis Nintendo Power? Because it's got tips and tricks.
It has two heads and trick a treat. And one of my nuts is filled with the breakfast cereal tricks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one of them's got, and tricks.

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 2 Can I go home with you?

Speaker 2 I just want to sleep inside. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 If you're finished, I wanted to ask a question about Ace Ventura. No, I want to keep going with the schizophrenic pickup on.
Okay, let's keep going. Damn, girl, is your ass made out of light bulbs?

Speaker 2 Because my tongue is staying that asshole.

Speaker 2 Tongue

Speaker 2 is staying in there.

Speaker 2 Tongue stand.

Speaker 2 Tungsten is the material that.

Speaker 2 The early type of thing. Yeah, because I can't wait to

Speaker 2 fill a man's ass

Speaker 2 with anything but my penis.

Speaker 2 Damn. Damn.
That was a fucking deft maneuver on that character's partner. That man is a verbal ballerina.

Speaker 2 Damn, girl. Have you ever been to Lenscrafters? Because I'm trying to discount the number of

Speaker 2 ways I can fuck glasses.

Speaker 2 Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Damn,

Speaker 2 are you from Sandals or Jamaica? Because I'm trying to.

Speaker 2 I'm going to resort to having sex with you one way or another.

Speaker 2 Don't make me resort to violence. Don't make me resort to violence.

Speaker 2 saying

Speaker 2 dull because

Speaker 2 sans dull evenings

Speaker 2 we'll be having when we sexualize our experiences together oh yes girl i'm trying to have a sexual experience with you i'm trying to get some sexual ass pussy damn girl are you the epcot center because i'm trying to ride a fucking tiny roller coaster it's not a roller you think it's going to be a roller coaster but then it's just some bullshit about learning.

Speaker 2 And that's what fucking me is like. You think it's going to be hot, but you just learn shit about me.
I put my penis in, and then I start telling you my life story. Beginning with third grade.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's when everybody started calling me the smelly kid because I shit my pants once.

Speaker 2 Never mind the fact that the smell was gone by the time I got back from the nurse's office wearing the clothes that a retarded kid left at school a week prior. When he just ran home naked

Speaker 2 when he disappeared into the woods, dude.

Speaker 2 When I came back to class saying, who shit their pants now? Wearing a full Thomas the Tank engine sweatsuit provided by my retarded brother.

Speaker 2 But did they stop calling me that? No, it continued. Maybe that's what Bigfoot is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 A hairy. mentally disabled man that escaped into the woods years very good point very fucking it's possible i'm just saying very fucking good dude.
Because it's smarter. Oh, man.

Speaker 2 I would love to have a conspiracy theory show.

Speaker 2 We should do that. And it's just us not understanding things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really know.
When people say jet fuel can't melt steel beams or whatever, I don't really know what they mean.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is steel? Does that mean, just mean metal in general?

Speaker 2 I think iron is involved, maybe. I think it's some kind of.

Speaker 2 Steel is just iron that's got. I think they fuck it up with some other shit.
Yeah, exactly. A couple different kinds of metal.
Yeah, because it's not in a little copper in there, maybe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or some shit.
Some bronze. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 is your ass made out of steel? Is it steel? Do you have a steel ass?

Speaker 2 Because I'm trying to take it without permission.

Speaker 2 That's still not schizophrenic. It's just not.
It's a guy trying to do pickup ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
These are just horrible pickup lines.

Speaker 2 It would be like, damn, girl, is your ass a pair of headphones?

Speaker 2 Because I own own a banana and I ate it one time. Yeah, that's Sue Cartooner, though.
Yeah, listen, man. It's like, damn, girl, is it three o'clock? Because

Speaker 2 I want to take you back to the

Speaker 2 Toyota Corolla.

Speaker 2 That's too direct.

Speaker 2 I want to just,

Speaker 2 let me put your hair in my mouth. There we go.
There we go. Something like that.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn, girl, is it three o'clock? Because I want to put your hair.

Speaker 2 Can I put my hair in your mouth? Scooby-Dooby-Denus.

Speaker 2 I'm going to name my son Scooby-Doo. I'm going to name my son Scooby-Denis Halkis.
I like this prediction you have that you're going to have a child now. I think I will at some point.
Yeah. Maybe.

Speaker 2 Well, Godspeed to you. I mean, not anytime soon.
I'm going to take the next decade to become a real adult man.

Speaker 2 Now I know I'm 29, and that's too late, but guess what? Godspeed.

Speaker 2 The thing I was wondering about Ace Ventura is when Finkel's Eingardspeed

Speaker 2 her dick in her ass. I don't remember.

Speaker 2 I don't remember. I always thought they chopped his cock off and sewed it back onto her ass.
This is the scene everyone complains about. They're like, oh, it's mean to trans people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it is transphobic in hindsight. Everyone's throwing up.
What the fuck is transphobia?

Speaker 2 Being mean towards trans people and shit. Oh.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't know.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, yeah, it is that.
Oh, yeah, then it is transphobia. I guess, yeah, I guess that is transphobia.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I think that's what

Speaker 2 it's like, what the fuck is sexism? It's like, you know, when you just discriminate against women in the workplace. Oh, oh, okay.
That's fucked up. Oh, yeah.
That's weird. I don't like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I thought it was like

Speaker 2 having sex.

Speaker 2 I thought it was being mean to guys. Like, fucking, brother, let me tell you something.
I thought it was being mean to sex.

Speaker 2 Like saying sex is bad. If that's the case, then every woman I've ever met,

Speaker 2 every woman I've ever fucked is sexist. Mm-hmm.
Because every time they're like, that was fucking. Damn, I took a shit like an hour ago, and I'm already.
What did you have for dinner?

Speaker 2 Papaya salad. Oh, man.
How was it? I'm burned. I'm dumb.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we might.

Speaker 2 I've gone too far.

Speaker 2 I've walked into the razor's edge. I've walked into the mouth of the razor.
Cock first. I've walked dick first into the eyes of the razor.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was another one of our characters. Eyes of the condor.

Speaker 2 Another one of our characters is me trying to kill myself in an airplane's turbine. Oh, yeah.
No, because we do it first.

Speaker 2 I jump into the turbine, and it cuts me into a billion pieces, and then you try to do it, and your stomach gets stuck. And it cuts your dick off.
But it only cuts my dick off.

Speaker 2 It's the absolute worst outcome. I have to stay alive.
I don't get to die. And I'm dickless.
Yeah, it sucks your dick into the fan. Fuck.

Speaker 2 At least I'd go out getting sucked in one way. Damn.
There'd probably be a second where it felt really good. Yeah.
I want to press a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I want to kill myself.

Speaker 2 I hope I die. I hope I die soon.
I deserve death. I hope I fucking die soon.

Speaker 2 I deserve to die.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's get one good riff.

Speaker 2 One podcast clásico. Podcast classic.
There's gonna be something in this. This has been another edition.
I thought maybe we'd get a little bit more out of Mario putting on the brown hat, but

Speaker 2 I do. We did have that Mario putting on a leather hat and he's gay sex Mario.

Speaker 2 That's a sound when his T cells drop to zero. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh no.

Speaker 2 I am going to infect Maddie on with the HIV virus.

Speaker 2 And then he is going to have sex with Peach

Speaker 2 and then she will get AIDS.

Speaker 2 Why, Wario? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because I want some pussy for me.

Speaker 2 Because I love having sex with girls who have AIDS.

Speaker 2 I oh, I ge mm

Speaker 2 I don't know about this plan.

Speaker 2 Actually, now that I say it out loud, now that I think about it,

Speaker 2 it seems like it will backfire.

Speaker 2 Mario has sucked Bowser's dick for some reason. Super Mario dick suck.

Speaker 2 Only on Nintendo Switch 2. Yeah, we're going to suck Bowser's dick while he's sleeping.
The latest Nintendo console is also a toilet that anyone can use and it sucks your dick.

Speaker 2 All I can think about right now is just shitting. Yeah.
All day I dream about shitting. Adidas.
Yeah. I want some Adidas toilet paper.

Speaker 2 Why don't you use your sweatshirt? Yeah, that's cool. That's really cool of you to suggest I wipe my ass with my shirt, dude.
As if there's not people out there who do things like that. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, if they are, I guess right now. You know what I love?

Speaker 2 Fuck them. You know those homeless guys that are just like the outside of their pants are just covered in shit?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, that's the funniest look.
It is a funny look. It's hilarious.
I respect it, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just take them off, bro. Yeah, just go nude.
Just be nude. Honestly, a shit-covered nude ass makes so much more sense than shit-covered fucking sweatpants.

Speaker 2 I was laughing too about getting completely naked at the TSA security checkpoint.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he turns around, he comes back. You're just fucking.
You still have your shoes on, though. It's like the one thing.

Speaker 2 They're like, what?

Speaker 2 Sir, You're holding your ass open.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Take your finest look,

Speaker 2 sir.

Speaker 2 I know my freedoms. I know my rights and my freedoms.
And I feel violated here today.

Speaker 2 Fine, I'll jack off in front of you. I know we're missing like two minutes on this one, but I have the shit so much.
Hey, look, listen, man. Go shit.
You plug nothing or whatever. Listen, yeah.

Speaker 2 nick will be back it's just it's just us guys welcome to stavi's beautiful sensual hour nick is taking a turbo shit i just heard a turd rocket out of his little ass cheeks uh he just floated i hit he hurt he hit the ceiling like a cartoon uh you know when a cartoon hits the fucking top of something that's what nick did but propelled off the force of his ass um so

Speaker 2 As Nick was saying, and as we said earlier, the shows are now canceled in the South, and we're sorry we're going to book those motherfuckers soon, though.

Speaker 2 But in the meantime, what you can do is come see us do Funny Moms on the 12th here in beautiful New York City, Brooklyn, New York.

Speaker 2 I will be in Long Island somewhere, the City Cafe or some fucking dumb bullshit.

Speaker 2 It's in a movie theater, so please buy tickets to that. And then even more importantly, I will be headlining the DC Draft House, my first full fucking weekend weekend as a hard dick savage

Speaker 2 headliner. Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday.

Speaker 2 Really would mean a lot if you came out to see those.

Speaker 2 And then I'll also be in,

Speaker 2 and that's December 6th and 7th. And I'll also be in Indianapolis on the fucking 13th, Cincinnati on the 14th, I think, and Columbus on the 15th, or maybe I have those two mixed up.

Speaker 2 Go to my website, stabby.biz, for all of that info. And I think I'm adding a Pittsburgh show in January and possibly sunny Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 those are all the plugs. I do, while Nick is finishing up shitting, I wanted to say, I wanted to just talk a little bit more about Finkel's cock getting chopped off on Ace Ventura.

Speaker 2 Is that what happened? Because I thought that, but that doesn't really make sense. I don't think they would

Speaker 2 cut someone's cock off and then sew it to their ass.

Speaker 2 I think that's what I thought being trans was as a little boy. But now that I'm saying it out loud, it probably makes a lot more sense that she was actually tucking her cock

Speaker 2 back into

Speaker 2 right. Okay, yeah, that makes more sense.
Um

Speaker 2 let me run some other ideas by you guys. Have uh have you guys ever hooked up with someone

Speaker 2 d only because you're like worried about them?

Speaker 2 Like what it would do to them if they weren't for example, if someone if someone tries to have sex with me,

Speaker 2 I have to feel like I'm pretty low on their list. So, if like if I reject them, imagine what it would do to them.

Speaker 2 That's just an idea I had when someone asked me to have sex with her.

Speaker 2 Oh, here's a good one. Here's a good song.
You will like this, actually.

Speaker 2 It's the king of wishful thinking. I'll suck on your dick, I know I will.
I'll pretend your balls aren't stinking,

Speaker 2 and I'll let you come inside my mouth because I'm the king of semen drinking. King of semen drinking.

Speaker 2 So that's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Let's see here, guys. What else is really going on? There's a...

Speaker 2 Oh, I was thinking about going to Denver.

Speaker 2 And one of the venues I looked at was the Bug Theater.

Speaker 2 That would be pretty funny. Because of what, you know, what you guys call Adam.

Speaker 2 You call him a bug.

Speaker 2 Let's see here. I really should have prepared some stuff.

Speaker 2 Oh, we were doing this character.

Speaker 2 How's that shit, brother? Nick's back every day. Dude, perfect.
That was good timing. Did you were you able to go? Yeah, I was able to go.

Speaker 2 I did the king of semen drinking. How about what,

Speaker 2 you know, what, like, what's what's my age again?

Speaker 2 You know, but it's uh, what's his name again? What's his name again?

Speaker 2 I sucked his dick on a payphone. He gave me a fucking Reinhold.
He said he was the cops and that I was going to jail unless I sucked onto his dick. And that's about the time he fucking raped me.

Speaker 2 Nobody says you can be raped when you're 23.

Speaker 2 And technically a grown man.

Speaker 2 But I have Asperger's. What the hell is Asperger's?

Speaker 2 My friends say, I should check my privilege. What's my privilege again? I'm a white man who got raped.

Speaker 2 And it's very impressive. Well, that one kind of came together.
That was beautiful. Yeah, I know.
Slam dunk. And before you faggot, say that song is about me, it's not.

Speaker 2 I got my dick touched, and he did not say he was a police officer.

Speaker 2 I was not penetrated. I did not suck a dick.
All that happened was he touched my penis. You touched his penis with your

Speaker 2 several times.

Speaker 2 Several times, and you came to the penis.

Speaker 2 But he was busy driving.

Speaker 2 My strategy was distract him by him driving his car.

Speaker 2 Fucking smart, dude. I know, right? That's why you're the king.
I am.

Speaker 2 Nick just gets in other guys' cars

Speaker 2 while they're driving

Speaker 2 out Wiley the Masters.

Speaker 2 Checkmate. Nick just gets in other guys' cars hard as shit and just begs them to try and touch his dick.
Yeah. Try it, sir.
See what happens. See what fucking happens.
Touch you out.

Speaker 2 You actually do it. Yeah.
But not that hard because you're driving. Touche.

Speaker 2 What's my race again? What's my race again?

Speaker 2 My friend said that I am Chinese. But I look Chinese.
But actually, I am just Jewish.

Speaker 2 And my face looks swollen

Speaker 2 because I'm one of those weird allergic Jews. Always allergic to everything.

Speaker 2 The Chinese lady at

Speaker 2 where I bought my chain, which I think I will be visiting again soon to buy more jewelry,

Speaker 2 she asked me if I was part Chinese. What's your address again? I'm not saying that

Speaker 2 only because I have roommates. I don't fear you.
Like, I would say what Nick said because I would like some fan mail as well. We should set up a PO podcast.
Yeah, I got cool shit, man.

Speaker 2 I don't have time to look at it or open all of it. Most of it just goes in the garbage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we do the we power the podcast. We don't use batteries anymore.
We just burn all the mail you send Nick. Yeah.
Some guy sent me a picture. It's

Speaker 2 some guy's cock,

Speaker 2 and then there's a diaper on the balls, and they said, idea, it's a diaper for your balls.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't hate it. Look, look, if you want to send me shit like that, send the tiny diaper, you fucking lazy piece of shit.
Absolutely. What do you think this is? Shark Tank?

Speaker 2 Yeah, now my balls gotta go fucking fucking unprotected

Speaker 2 i am a king to you people that's right i don't want to come i'm not gonna vc your shit into existence do you want a diaper for your fucking balls you make it and then let me try it out you send it to me and then i will try my dandest to shit my balls

Speaker 2 and if i can't do it which i have done yeah i have wiped shit from my balls before in my life yeah oh yeah um

Speaker 2 what the fuck was i doing All right, looking up your address in the contacts. I wish I still had a Rolodex, those are fun to you've never had a Rolodex, bitch.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 that's true,

Speaker 2 goddess ass. All right, I'm sorry, I forgot I wasn't a businessman in the 80s, but I know you mean I did want one, yeah, like when you saw those motherfuckers roll through.

Speaker 2 And I remember fantasizing about being an adult. Yes, the Rolodex.
That was one of the fantasies about adult was a Rolodex. Oh, hold on, let me make a phone call call real quick.

Speaker 2 Oh, right here. Jenny.
Jenny?

Speaker 2 With like the office. Remember the ringtone? That office phone's out? Where it dials out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi, is this Jenny? Why don't you bring that fucking hairy ass 80s pussy over?

Speaker 2 And maybe I can. I'm trying to floss with those pubes, baby.
Yeah, let me try on your jacket and pretend I have shoulders after.

Speaker 2 Pretend I can play fucking football wearing any woman's jacket from the 80s.

Speaker 2 Yes, Captain.

Speaker 2 Yes, sir. Sir, yes, sir.
Yes, sir. You know what else I wanted? Murphy Blown.
How about instead of Murphy Brown, it's Murphy Blown?

Speaker 2 And she's trans and she's got a guy and she's just getting her dick sucked under the desk.

Speaker 2 It's like the modern woman of the 80s.

Speaker 2 Shouts out to the movie Police Academy, where there's multiple coerced oral sex rapes.

Speaker 2 Like one of their big pranks is when

Speaker 2 the principal or whatever, or the leader of the fucking academy that they hate, he has to give a speech, but they put a whore in the podium, and the whore sucks his dick while he gives the speech, and he just rolls with it.

Speaker 2 He doesn't go, hey, there's a woman here trying to assault me. I'm a police officer, I'm going to stop this.
My man just gets his dick sucked while doing a speech. Hell yeah.
So, like, I suppose.

Speaker 2 I would love to get my dick sucked ever for any reason. In any circumstance.
By any gender or age.

Speaker 2 Or age, huh?

Speaker 2 Yep. Does that have a lower limit? 80.

Speaker 2 22. Uh-huh.
Maybe a little lower.

Speaker 2 How low? I don't know, man. You said that.
How low can you go?

Speaker 2 Everybody do the same thing.

Speaker 2 I was trying to figure out what it would even mean.

Speaker 2 Like the lower you bend, you get to fuck babies. babies.
Is that? That's cool. I think that's it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn, we would have some limber ass pedophiles, honestly. Yeah, I feel like

Speaker 2 there's got to be people that we should went to kill themselves and they had to tie a noose and then they were like, I guess I learned how to tie a noose. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they like learned and tied a really good one. They're like, I did something to it.

Speaker 2 And then that gave them the courage to go on another day. Right.

Speaker 2 I'm sure that's happened a lot. I'm sure there's a lot of people that...
The pure satisfaction of tying the noose. Yes.

Speaker 2 I think there's a lot of people that said, I want to kill myself, and then they went to write a suicide note, realized how bad they were at writing, and they were embarrassed about it.

Speaker 2 No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't write anything that sounded any good. Nice.
So they gave up on it. Interesting.
Yeah. You think there's going to be suicide, like

Speaker 2 hey, man, how about a Black Mirror episode? A Suicide Selfie?

Speaker 2 Oh, hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Suicide Snapchat.
That's already happened. There's been plenty of people that have killed themselves on cam.
I remember watching a video of a guy hanging himself on like

Speaker 2 some streaming service. No, but

Speaker 2 it's fucked up, dude. I mean, you like, because you know, you mean like Amazon Prime? Yeah,

Speaker 2 on Netflix, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you liked this guy, if you liked this artist, he's Beckham Stanley. He sits there and his fucking face turns blue.

Speaker 2 You know, and eventually they call the police, and the police show up, like, you know, an hour later, and he's just dead. Damn.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That sucks. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You watch that whole thing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's fucked up, bro. Why are you putting that kind of shit in your fucking brains? You're going to be goth.

Speaker 2 Look, we all die, man. You're never going to be goth, dude.
I'm sorry. It's better to acclimate yourself.
Keep talking about wanting to be goth, you're not going to behold. I know.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to do anything. I'm literally never going to do anything.
I've done nothing to get here, and I will do nothing to maintain it or change it. That's right.

Speaker 2 I'm going to continue doing this podcast until I have to shit, and then I'll go do that, and then I'll come back. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We should say those were awesome shows in Australia. Thank you, everyone, for coming.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 and sucking. Psych.
Psych, fuck you, you awesome pieces of shit.

Speaker 2 Double psych, most of you are cool. There's one guy in particular who I'm not going to name, but you know who you are.

Speaker 2 He knows.

Speaker 2 You fucking suck.

Speaker 2 What the best part is,

Speaker 2 you're going to ruin so many people.

Speaker 2 Nah, you're all cute as hell. That was the point.
You're all cute as hell.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the point. We definitely aren't both thinking of a guy.

Speaker 2 I mean, obviously one guy has to be the worst.

Speaker 2 But yeah, dude, I'm trying to go back to Australia. Come on, Mickey Mouse.
Stop sucking my dunk. Stop sunking my dick.

Speaker 2 Peel back your foreskin. Phil.
Huh? Let me get underneath that. Oh, I'm on pills.

Speaker 2 I'm fucked up on pills. I'm ready to suck dick, huh?

Speaker 2 I don't want to do gay porn. That's why I have to take Viagra haul.
Yo, I'm Bam Margera. This is Gay Drug Addict, the Mickey Mouse, Jackass.

Speaker 2 I'll do whatever you fellas want for.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to suck dick.

Speaker 2 Oh, the only thing I've ever done is suck dick.

Speaker 2 I love it, huh?

Speaker 2 Damn. I thought we had more characters than the.
I don't know, man. I was ready to go, but God, I'm really fake.
Honestly, we're both so jet-lagged right now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We were going to do this earlier, but Nick got an audition to be in the newest Michael Bay movie. I'm in the new Michael Bay movie.

Speaker 2 It's called Holocaust.

Speaker 2 Six million question mark, question mark? Yeah, no, it's Knights of the Holocaust, and we play

Speaker 2 King Arthur's Knights have entered a time rift, and they wind up in Auschwitz with their horses and armor. And at first, they're trying to help kill the Jews

Speaker 2 as the Jews are their natural enemies. Right, of course.
As knights.

Speaker 2 That's so true. Yeah.
And then they realize that the Nazis have gone too far. Yes.

Speaker 2 They're not even letting a few Jews deal with their money and whatever.

Speaker 2 That they're not just imprisoning them, they're starving them and killing them. Right.
And out of the integrity of King Arthur,

Speaker 2 he helps the Jews rise up to just regular prisoner status.

Speaker 2 And then him and the Nazis shake hands. They're like, beautifully done, boys.

Speaker 2 And then he helps, he

Speaker 2 fixes Hitler's poor military strategy. And we now live in a world where it's Nazis and Knights.
Nazis and Knights coming soon. Directed by Michael Bay.

Speaker 2 Rated, fuck you.

Speaker 2 Rated, no fucking

Speaker 2 bitches. Fucking boys only.
No Muslim people alive. Do not bring your girlfriend to this movie.
Do not even consider being Muslim

Speaker 2 ever in your life.

Speaker 2 Rated X.

Speaker 2 Rated X because there will be full rape scenes.

Speaker 2 Uncensored. Unlike that.
King Arthur has to pull Excalibur out of Hitler's ass. Yeah.
King R word.

Speaker 2 How about that? King R word? That's good. King R.
Word and the Knights Knights of the short but round. Round is already

Speaker 2 in the round tongue. Knights of the Round Tongue.

Speaker 2 Knights of the Lunch Table.

Speaker 2 Knights of the

Speaker 2 Round.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we want me. King R word.

Speaker 2 Yeah,'cause if it was a square table, you could say that I don't know.

Speaker 2 What does he have to pull out of what? He pulls Excalibur out of the some kind of stone. Yeah.
If he can pull the cat out of the shoebox that's hiding it from him

Speaker 2 and pet it backwards.

Speaker 2 Why is petting it backwards a thing? Just because they don't even register where the head is?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I've definitely heard that a lot. I don't understand why.
It's just because it's funny. Yeah.
It's just very funny. I would like to know the origin.
They just do it wrong.

Speaker 2 I mean, I pet cats backwards all the time. Yeah, well, I mean, that doesn't do anything to change that argument.

Speaker 2 Yes, it does. No, it doesn't.
I'm actually a genius.

Speaker 2 Wrong. Your dick is small, and you're stupid as shit.
This is the police. We found out that

Speaker 2 this is the police in a helicopter, and we have bigger dicks than that other guy who says he's the police. And you're retarded and gay, sir.

Speaker 2 Actually, this is the real police.

Speaker 2 Hello, this is James Bond, and I think every American is wrong. And you're actually get it.
Yeah, I have to shit again already. What? I know.
What else did you eat? This kid just beat me.

Speaker 2 I'll be honest with you, I did not shit once the entire time we were on vacation, and it's all coming up. Oh my god, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because my brain adjusted to the other time zone, so it's like all systems shut down.

Speaker 2 We're going no hard-ons, no hardcock. Yeah, my dick

Speaker 2 did not work that entire trip. Yeah, and now my dick is working extremely.

Speaker 2 Not, I mean, it's still sucked, still bad, but it's still bad.

Speaker 2 it's still a pretty garbage dick but as far as dicks go yeah you know it's like imagine sitting in your driveway and your fucking Chrysler LeBaron won't turn over but you got that sunroof coming down oh yeah you know you're like hey bitch you want to come hang out in my driveway

Speaker 2 we can pretend we're on the PCH as I take the top down on the no all right

Speaker 2 yeah the car won't start but it doesn't start but

Speaker 2 It's like the roof is coming off uneven, so one side gets stuck and it just rips all my clothes off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the car doesn't start, but I'll try and start it like seven times. It's like, it looks like your dick doesn't work either.
I'm like, bitch, one step at a time.

Speaker 2 You fucking hoo-ah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, folks, listen. For years, it's like, you know, you're horny when you're young.
You're like, I wish I didn't want to fuck all the time. Yes.

Speaker 2 And then you get older and you don't want to fuck all the time. Your dick doesn't work anymore.
And you're like, fuck.

Speaker 2 Yeah. God, I wish I could have another thing to take away from myself.

Speaker 2 Well, I got to say, my dick has been working pretty well as of late, and I don't know why. Yeah, you won't know why until next week.
We're going to find out. The big reveal on the show.

Speaker 2 This is a big reveal, folks. Yeah, this is a big reveal for us.
The show has finally paid off. Yeah.
It's finally worth it. Finally.
For guys like us.

Speaker 2 I've been thinking about quitting, honestly, for like six months. Did I say this before I got post-traumatic breast disorder.
I don't think so.

Speaker 2 And it's because I fucked the girl's titties were too big.

Speaker 2 And now I wake up screaming. Sign me up.

Speaker 2 I think about my friends just face down and all that pussy. Sign me up for that.
And I'm like,

Speaker 2 for what?

Speaker 2 For some pussy oil? Big-ass titties. Some pussy oil?

Speaker 2 I'll do it for some pussy oil. Why don't we go to war for pussy anymore? Because I feel like there's plenty.
I feel like all wars would end if, like, you had to fuck all the women.

Speaker 2 Do you really think we would be invading the Middle East if the soldiers still had to fuck all the women? I think they do, unfortunately. Look, I've studied these kinds of things.

Speaker 2 I think that's kind of a big problem. I've known the military is raping.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Do not say that about the American military. These are upstanding men that just want to help people.
But if you force them to rape women and children,

Speaker 2 we would not be invading these countries.

Speaker 2 Interesting. If there's one thing I know about the military, they do not have a problem with sexual assault.

Speaker 2 They do not have

Speaker 2 it. They're too busy saluting the flag and sending love letters home to their enormously fat wife

Speaker 2 that they've only held hands with because

Speaker 2 they're waiting to come back from war. They're saving themselves.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 They're waiting to have half Latino, half white babies. Yeah.
You know, it's like, it's too late for me to save sex for marriage, you know?

Speaker 2 So I figure what I'm going to do is save gay sex for marriage.

Speaker 2 So when I marry my wife, a couple weeks after we finally, you know, we tie the knot or whatever, I'm just going out fucking hundreds of dudes. Yes, that's right.
And she's like, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 I'm like, I made a promise to you and God. Oh, Lord.
This is between me and my fucking sister.

Speaker 2 Stay out of it.

Speaker 2 You fucking bitch. You fucking bitch.
Bitch, stay out of this. They told me I would be fucking tempted.
Hey, I'll tell the priest about it when I get back from Cabo, San Lucas,

Speaker 2 where me and Javier are

Speaker 2 going and

Speaker 2 we're taking fucking just bags and bags of Molly, and we are going to make one with God

Speaker 2 through each other's powerful body.

Speaker 2 I had gay sex. I had gay sex.
To piss off my wife, just to piss off my wife. I'm not gay.
Really, she was being a bitch.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I couldn't fuck another woman. I'm unfuckable, so I had to get raped.

Speaker 2 Fuck, I'm stuck. There we go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm fading hard as shit right now, dude.

Speaker 2 What time is it? Gay sex. It's 9.27.
Damn, yeah. On the Pizam.

Speaker 2 I gotta fucking... I gotta make it another couple hour.
I think an hour and a half, and then I'll sleep. Yeah.

Speaker 2 My little brother said, you're not supposed to, like, try and rig the system, but he can suck my fucking dick. My dick bad.
My dick sucks. My dick really bad and my dick fucking sucks.

Speaker 2 Luda

Speaker 2 Swish.

Speaker 2 Christopher, what's his name? Luda? Christopher Luda? What's his name? Christopher. Christopher Llewellyn, I think.
Christopher.

Speaker 2 Christopher, Louisiana. Georgie Christmas.

Speaker 2 Georgie Christmas. Georgie Christmas coming to the mound.
And it looks like a home.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's a spawn. And he's gay.

Speaker 2 And this is the police. And this is the police, and you're gay.

Speaker 2 And this is Bam Margero. And we're going to sunk Phil's dead.
We're going to sunk Phil's penis. I can't wait to sunk Phil's penis with my mouth.

Speaker 2 Ah, folks, that'll probably do it for us. Yeah, sorry, everybody.
I don't think we have nothing to apologize. First of all, that first hour, I had a blast doing it.

Speaker 2 You take a shit, and as far as I'm concerned, this is all bonus.

Speaker 2 This is to make up.

Speaker 2 I mean, we don't have to make up shit. You motherfuckers got three live shows in the place of one regular one.
Yeah. Hey, you can sunk our dicks

Speaker 2 if you don't like it. As always, go to patreon.com slash come town.
If you want to really get in on, we look, there's secret prizes.

Speaker 2 This is lying to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's so much good stuff. You're entered into a raffle to

Speaker 2 meet me and Stavros and Adam. You can hang out with us and say whatever you want.
And you can give us drugs and

Speaker 2 we'll listen to all your jokes and laugh at them. Yeah, we'll riff with you.
And it'll turn out you're actually the funniest. Yeah, you're actually so much funnier.

Speaker 2 But you can't do it because of some bullshit reason. Yeah, because you have to

Speaker 2 make spreadsheets. People count on you to sell insurance.
That's why you would never do comedy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so anyway, sorry to bully you guys right now, but listen.

Speaker 2 Look, we're not even talking about you. We're talking about one specific guy.
That one guy. Just one guy who knows who he is.
He knows who he is, and it's not you. It's not you.

Speaker 2 But he knows that he's. But if it is you, oh boy, zoom.
Damn, that sucks. That is you.
It's you.

Speaker 2 It's really you. Why are you? If it's you,

Speaker 2 it's so you, dude.

Speaker 2 But it's not. But it's not you.
So please, and you know how it can definitely not be you? If you go to patreon.com/slash come town and sign up for remember, every dollar helps find Adam Walsh.

Speaker 2 That's right. Who's Adam Walsh? John Walsh's son.

Speaker 2 Oh, right.

Speaker 2 It was his son. I thought it was his daughter.
It was his daughter, Adam Walsh.

Speaker 2 That's right. We can't assume that she wasn't trans.
That's true.

Speaker 2 It would be wrong to assume that Adam Walsh's daughter, Adam, or John Walsh's daughter, Adam, wasn't a trans girl. Well, I mean, you know.

Speaker 2 She didn't live long enough to pick her gender. How old was

Speaker 2 she?

Speaker 2 G.

Speaker 2 How old were they? What the fuck is G? It's like you're either a boy or a girl or Chinese.

Speaker 2 Yes, it's that one, though.

Speaker 2 These are Chinese. What the fuck, yeah.
What the fuck is racism?

Speaker 2 Well, it's actually, you know, when you.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, okay.
Yeah, I know what that is. Whoa, that's fucked up.
That's weird that that happens.

Speaker 2 Fuck my ass.

Speaker 2 Fuck my mouth.

Speaker 2 All right, I'm going to like pass out. Yeah, me too, bro.
I'm about to die. Order up your little something.
Everyone, please come out here and suck our fucking.

Speaker 2 You say you saw solo and it's really bad. You know what? I was watching it and the first half is kind of bullshit, but the second half picks up.
How about Hans Holo?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They made the.

Speaker 2 My name is Hans, and this is my asshole. He made the asshole a penis run in less than 20 parsecs.
Hans, old buddy, let me get in that fucking ass.

Speaker 2 He was good. Donald Glover was good.
Oh, he played young Lando? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. They didn't do a Billy D.
Williams hologram. The only part I didn't like is that they made Han be like a good guy, and it seems like he should be a scumbag.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I actually ended up enjoying. I watched Half on the Plane to Australia.
And what's his deal? He goes around space stealing cum to eat. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The only thing that powers spaceships is fucking a specific kind of larva. Oh, it's Nerf Herder Cum.

Speaker 2 It's come from a taunt on.

Speaker 2 The only way the hyperdrive is going to work is if

Speaker 2 we put cum in the.

Speaker 2 We got Chewy, we need your cum. Is he still smashing Callista Flockhart's frail ass?

Speaker 2 That's a strange-ass celebrity couple, if you ask me. Oh, Callista.

Speaker 2 Why don't you fucking spit on it?

Speaker 2 God God damn.

Speaker 2 It hurts my throat to do his voice. But at least you did it for our adoring fans who we love.
Listen, everyone.

Speaker 2 I'm gay actor Harrison Ford.

Speaker 2 And this is

Speaker 2 gay, jackass.

Speaker 2 I'm gay actor Harrison Ford, and this is Sunk Phil's dick.

Speaker 2 Come on, come on, Solo.

Speaker 2 Come on, the fugitive. Come on.
Stop. Come on.
What is this? U.S. Marshals going on down here? Come on.
You know, I got to work in the morning. Indiana Jones.
Come on. Come on, Indiana.

Speaker 2 This dick belongs in a museum.

Speaker 2 That'll do it for us, folks. Goodbye.