Ep. 128 – Can You Smell

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Pussy.

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

Raynerd's disease is a very serious condition.

That's not a real disease, Michael.

Pussy disease.

How about that?

Mount Rayner's isn't

real.

Rainier?

What about Mount Rainier's disease?

Mount Rainier's disease is a serious condition affecting children who don't fuck.

If you have a child that isn't getting his dick sucked.

Children who don't like to make love.

Okay, went to make love.

I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

If there's one thing I love more than making love, it's raising money for the victims of Hurricane Maria.

Gay actor Michael Bouglas.

Good to see you, man.

Welcome back, Mike.

Hi.

I'm gay actor Christopher Walken.

We tried that already, didn't we?

Yeah.

It doesn't.

Who are other guys?

It's better with Michael Douglas.

Sometimes things get stuck in my craw.

Like my nuts.

People be like, you already said this last time.

Guess what?

Guess what?

Suck our fat nuts.

We're doing all gay Michael Douglas.

They were like, the San Frangelico bit is the lowest effort bit.

Well, guess what you're about to get for an hour, motherfuckers?

Less effort.

Oh,

you just started listening to the show?

That's interesting.

Yeah, I've been here for a minute now.

I've been listening to the show.

Geez, maybe two or three weeks.

Long time listener.

Yeah, I guess that means you're a fucking idiot because we love it and we're smart as shit.

Yeah.

I'm like, you fucking morons.

They call me John the Genius.

Oh, yeah.

Genius John.

Jiggly Dick.

John the Genius.

Jiggly Dick Johnny.

Jiggly dick Johnny.

Genius Johnny.

A jiggly dick would be pretty funny.

Yeah.

Jiggly, what?

Like a jiggly puff?

Jiggly dick.

Shark on my dick and lick my little nuts.

Guys, it's Super Tuesday Election Day.

Super Tuesday.

None of the companies.

You know what that means?

Mardi Gras.

That's right.

I went with the little black shit on my forehead.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Because it's Super Tuesday.

Your shit smears.

Yeah, yeah.

Some guy outside the polling place

just smeared some stuff.

It smells a lot like diarrhea.

Gash Wednesday, right?

Diarrhea.

Period blood on your head.

Gash Wednesday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's when every boy gets his red wings.

When I was 11 years old, dude, my first red wings, the priest lets you eat his wife's pussy.

Yeah, she had balls.

Is that only Catholic or do the Eastern Spirit?

No, that's Greek Orthodox.

Do they do Gash Wednesday?

Gash Wednesday?

Yeah.

Do you guys do that as well?

We do Gash Wednesday.

You put your head in a pussy.

You eat the priest's

Greek Orthodox.

Orthodox does everything the Catholics do, except the priests are allowed to have sex with boys.

No, they have sex with wives.

They're openly allowed to fuck with them.

They don't have to whisper.

Exactly.

That's how you become a bishop.

If you fuck enough boys.

They have better outfits, too.

Oh, we have much better outfits.

They got some real stagecraft in the Greek Orthodox Church.

even our shittiest churches look like the Vatican, dude.

We got a lot of nice, beautiful robes.

We got a lot of shit.

The Vatican.

Yeah, we, we, yeah.

Fuck the Vatican.

Vatican looks like little gold-plated gay sex arena.

Yeah.

Our priests have sex with their fucking ugly wives.

Thank you very much.

That's how we're not.

That's why we're not molesting.

Do you know how much effort it takes to get Greek people not to molest children?

The Greek Orthodox Church has figured that out somehow.

Because you get some fucking fugly-ass priest-wife pussy for the rest of your life.

And that makes you not molest.

And that makes you not molest.

There was one time they sent us.

How many days has it been since the last molestation?

We have a big board outside.

Yeah, like at a factory or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it still says days since last accident.

Oopsie, you know, what am I going to do?

He comes around here with his nice, beautiful bad cheeks.

Oopsie days.

Oopsie days.

We should just do or just only speak Greek on the podcast.

We're approaching

a lot of people don't know, but 2019 is the final year of Cometown.

Can you imagine that if we all became Adam's age and we were still doing a podcast?

I think you know what Efreo's means.

I don't want to say that on the bar.

No, trust me, I know a little bit of Greek.

Oh, you picked up some Greek?

Yeah, yeah.

A little bit of Greek, a little bit of, you know,

I like to meet a girl down at the bar, maybe saddle up to her, and

slay a little Mandarin Chinese.

Hey, what's up?

What's up, good chicken?

What's up, Chicken Lips?

You say that's a Chinese girl at a bar?

I don't see any girl at a bar.

Any girl, yeah.

Why don't you try this song for size?

She's like, oh my god, is that

Spanish?

Yeah, the language of love.

Yeah, right.

Spanish is a language of love.

Chinese is the language of coming in your pants immediately.

Yeah, Chinese is the language of

the only reason you don't rape is because you came in your pants.

God

imagine we get like money from the Chinese government, like $200 million to make the perfect Chinese comedy.

We already have me and Nick have.

You guys already got that deal.

I can't wait to be a Chinese businessman.

Oh, hell yeah.

Dude, because my move after this show ends, what?

You fucking idiots think I'm going to be living in poverty.

Incorrect.

Chinese import-exporter.

I'm going over there, you know, bringing pornography because they're going to want that.

They're going to want

nice white pussy.

They don't have the filters on their

hell.

An exchange.

A weed beer is cigarettes delivery service.

You're stealing that.

Those guys are going to sue you, man.

Hey, what the hell?

These two old-ass wiggers.

My movie called The Last King of China.

It's about the white man that went over there and dared to be an entrepreneur.

I used to follow this Instagram account, which was like a bunch of Dominican guys in the Bronx that ran like a frosty alcoholic drink delivery service.

Hell yeah.

So half of it was just memes from black Twitter, and the other half was them trying to hustle these frosty drinks.

And then they eventually all got arrested.

But it was a good ride.

It was a good follow for a while.

I would love a nice ride.

How about Busty the Snowman?

Yeah.

And he's like, you know, the kids made a comment.

The kid puts the...

It turns into a puddle.

Well, the kid puts the hat on him, and then he comes alive, and he's just...

The carrot just jizz you.

The dad's like running out of the house trying to take the hat off the snowman.

Get off me, Megan.

The kid's just being covered.

I'm going to keep busting.

The kids just horrified being covered in semen as the dad's running.

Michael, my magical hat!

Don't put it on the snowman!

Oh, it's the dad's magical hat.

Richard, I told you to get rid of that hat.

Does that work on any inanimate object?

You put it on a garage, like a fucking fridge, it starts busting, and it just happens to be a snowman.

It was the dad's magical top hat that made him come.

And the son found it and brought it outside and put it on the snowman.

The snowman immediately started

just busting nuts all over the kid's face.

And then the dad ran outside to go.

Now, would this be a snow cock or would it be the carrot?

It's a carrot, obviously.

Oh, it's from his face.

Yeah, it's coming out from his face.

No, no, the kid couldn't reach up to put it on the nose.

That was a great bit in Dumb and Dumber when Busty makes snow cock.

Yeah.

Classic.

Classic.

The fairly.

I just watched Joe's apartment again today.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Classic.

Classic.

Smash shit.

What's Joe's apartment?

Joe's apartment was an MTV movie where Jerry O'Connell plays a guy that moves to a shitty apartment in New York.

And that is, yeah, that is.

That's the whole movie.

That rock.

No, there's a girl that he likes.

And then

does he get the cheeks?

Not really.

No?

Yeah.

And then there's like her dad's like an evil, rich guy, and then she's like, we got to foil his plan to build a prison, and then he just sort of is like, Okay, I won't build the prison.

They don't really do anything.

Were they going to build a prison in this shitty apartment?

No, it's like one of the most lazily written movies.

Shouts out to Jerry, though.

Yeah,

but he works for a pizza delivery place called Retardo's Pizza.

That's awesome.

Which, when I was eight, I thought was

I mean, that's still the funniest thing.

That's the funniest goddamn thing.

Retardo's.

Yeah, and the girl that he likes, she has a garden, and he's like trying to figure out how to impress her.

And he just, it's like has has a flashback of her being like we do need fertilizer for the garden so he shits in the garden he's going and then he goes around new york city picking up just shit nice and he has he's carrying a big bag of shit on the bus that's awesome and people are like oh you know they're like pee you or whatever and jerry o'connell has just a

trash bag filled with shit

that's a good gag that's pretty good i'll give him that he drives past the garden and he sees the girl like kissing her dad who he confuses for her boyfriend And then the shit is just gone.

What?

Yeah, he never brings her the shit.

It's just all for that shit.

That's awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We should make a movie like that.

Yeah, no, it's pretty tight.

We'll call it Stavros' Apartment.

Stavros' apartment.

We had an idea for a movie where it's like a

suspense.

It's a suspense movie, and there's a skyscraper.

It's a hostage situation.

Okay.

And there's a guy in there, and he's got 20 people in there, and he's threatening to use the animal.

this summer.

This summer.

Chief, I think that guy's going to say it.

N.

He's not going to say it.

We will not let him say it.

I.

No.

Stop.

Not another word.

We have the building surrounded.

He's covered in red dog.

Come out with your hands up.

Danny, I think that man's going to use the N-word.

Chief.

My wife is in here.

She's pregnant with her son.

And he's retarded.

Gee.

Lorenzo Lamas stars.

Ooh, Lorenzo would knock that out of the park.

Starring Lorenzo Lamas

in his return.

James Remar.

Reginald Bell Johnson.

Who else would be in that?

Goddamn it Steve.

Goddammit Steve.

The movie's just die hard.

Yeah, yeah.

It's die hard with the N-word.

Die Hard, but it's German terrorists take over a building to say the N-word.

And before you accuse me of doing a low-effort bit, I'll remind you that that was the plot of Die Hard 2.

That's so true.

Is that John Hamm or whatever the character's John Valjean?

John Valjean.

John

McIntosh has to go to Harlem and wear the N-word around to prove that whites are tougher than blacks.

Yeah, that's the whole movie.

To prove that blacks are cowards.

Yeah.

That the Irish.

One man finally has the courage to do what we all want to do.

To wear the word on a side.

To wear an N-word sandwich board.

Walk around Malcolm X Boulevard.

The most dangerous neighborhood in the entire world.

Yeah, just Harlem.

Just gentrified ass Harlem.

Harlem.

The name where no one should go ever.

Unless they belong there.

A beautiful neighborhood.

But it happens to be filled with people.

I was working on a job in Harlem a couple of years ago.

There was some black church, and like, you know, how like they have like part of the sermon outside of the fucking board.

So it's like, every time God smiles, he opens up a mailbox.

You know, like this is like the dumbest.

Yeah, you know, it's a shit.

Yeah, not a sermon, just a message.

Right.

One of those, you know, kind of deals.

But it was a black church, so it was like,

it's like, and damn nation to all the homosexual gentrifiers.

Hell yes, dude.

I love the idea of a holy war against gay guys moving into your neighborhood and raising the property value.

Dude, they're at the vanguard of gentrification, those guys.

That is true.

The artsy fartsy gays.

They always get in early.

Yeah.

They get off on the danger.

Something's changing in the neighborhood.

That's Jeff Goldblum trying to explain gentrification to the black president.

I run tests, and Mr.

President,

you're going to

want to

see perhaps what the

spit it out, goddammit!

Data.

There's not going to be any more black people in this.

They're replacing all of them.

Oh, I thought you said this was bad news.

They're replacing all the blacks with gay men.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My David.

A push, I guess.

The president doesn't care what my David has to say about this.

David, you predicted the Korean people would be racist if we let them have cornosaurs.

But now no one listens to him.

He won the Nobel Prize for predicting the Koreans were bad.

Today isn't just a day we fight aliens.

It's a day we remember that gays are just as guilty as straight white men.

When it comes...

No, let me do the speech.

Look, I'll fight the aliens in the face.

We'll figure the aliens in the sex.

Just let us get to this.

As a white man that had to overcome a lot to become president.

I just wanted, can we at least talk about how to point this out real quick?

And white women, too.

And even, you know what, Hispanic women.

There's a lot of people.

Yep, they're loud.

Those white Cuban bitches really get away with it.

It's just white men that have ruined this way.

Now there's literally aliens here, and I can see this dyke bitch up front shaking her head at me.

This is a president of the time.

This is not your Independence Day.

It's our Independence Day.

And I'll remind you that white men made America.

Obviously, there were slaves.

I know there were slaves.

But who came up with the uniforms?

Who was the drummer boy?

Who came up with all the songs they sang during the battles?

Were the slaves at

Antiquum?

You know, I don't remember what it was.

Anyway, look, the aliens are here.

I'm just saying, fuck the aliens, but let's, can we just apologize to white men?

We have five minutes where we apologize.

God damn it.

Boo.

He's a man fight suit.

He's blowing.

You can't unite people.

There's aliens.

Literally aliens.

The New York Times.

President Trump uses alien fight speech to address illegal immigration.

He's on the only invaders.

President Trump

uses speech prior to attacking the alien invaders to address mean tweets sent to him by Rosie O'Donnell.

Look, I'll get in the spaceship in a second.

I'm just saying she's a pig.

Look, she probably signaled the aliens to come here.

I don't know.

People are saying it.

I'm not saying it.

I was something.

Obama couldn't stop the aliens.

He did nothing to stop the aliens.

I saw a clip where he was like, and the Democrat plan is going to tear down Obamacare, and there's like, which is good, but they're going to only take the bad parts.

It was fucking hilarious.

But they're going to leave the bad parts.

He literally said, they're going to leave the bad parts.

Yeah, he was saying that Democrats are trying to get rid of the pre-existing conditions protection.

He rocks you.

He just says,

what just does not matter what the truth is.

Yeah.

Well, it's so funny because everyone else that's

trying to do it.

But then the guy in Florida tried to do it.

The guy that got called out for being a racist, DeSantis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they were just like, dude, you can't lie.

And he's like, I'm really sorry.

They don't have that retard swag.

Yeah, exactly.

All the guys try to put live in his shoes.

They can't do it.

Yeah.

That's not as powerful as Trump.

They haven't paid for enough abortions, dude.

They haven't looked enough fucking cocktail waitress in the eye and said, that wasn't me.

I didn't bust anybody.

I've never had sex.

I'm a virgin.

I've never even had sex.

Look, today isn't just Cinco de Mayo.

Folks, I'd never raped this woman.

She's too ugly.

Yeah.

Anyway, we didn't vote, the three of us, because it's important for us to remain objective.

Because our podcast is like the news.

As newscasts, as broadcasters.

As broadcasters, you can't know if we have a newspaper.

Well,

I wrote in

Harambe.

I wrote in Harambe.

I wrote in Brandon Wardell and Harambe.

Yeah, me too, dude.

You get the same shit because that shit's so fucking funny, dude.

Dicks out for Harambe is so funny.

Yeah, Brandon said that to me this weekend.

He was like, I think I'm finally over the whole Harambe thing.

He's like, I think I'm finally past it in my career.

Awesome.

Let's bring it back right now.

I was like, Brandon, it's coming back, baby.

Yeah, I wrote in Dick Sat for Harambe.

Yeah.

Danny Trado.

Dick's Out for Harambe.

And I voted for Kafefi for this

boy Kafe.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, funny write-ins is the best way to participate in

the democratic process.

My uncle in Australia, or my cousin in Australia, was saying that everyone has to vote.

It's compulsory.

It's compulsory.

You pay a fine if you don't vote.

So everyone does funny write-ins if they don't want to vote.

Oh, no.

So they draw like a cock or something.

That's pretty fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can do that.

Greece is the same.

I think it is pretty pathetic to go to a polling place, wait in line for 45 minutes just to write in Harambe.

No, yeah.

That's like you think that's cool.

It's cool.

Imagine waiting four hours to do your Harambe post on Snapchat.

Those ballots in Chinatown are hilarious.

Are they in Chinese?

They're all in Chinese.

That rocks, dude.

Yeah, they're all the working families.

I had a nice little day back in the trap today.

You're still registered there?

Yeah.

That's great.

You should never change it.

Yeah, of course.

It's the swing state, Chinatown.

Yeah.

Well, you get to vote because you're all these elections.

You saw these like

flyers and like

little signs or whatever for like, you know, guys that clearly do not speak a word of Chinese.

And then it's just them smiling and it's just all in Chinese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then it's their name in Chinese, like 28th, 19th, whatever the fuck year it is.

Yeah, dude.

Who'd you vote for, dude?

I don't know.

It's all in Chinese.

I voted in some fucked up like nursing home, like around the corner from here on green.

Did you get any old and it just smelled like shit, dude?

It smelled like straight up feces.

Did you get any old people?

Doesn't it live in feces?

What?

Did you get any old lady pussy?

Oh, yeah, I got pussy.

What are you nice, dude?

Old ladies, yeah.

I sold that.

I got bold ladies.

Yeah,

be bold.

And what being bold to me means is

living your life to the gay, to the fullest fullest extent possible.

Live your life to the gayest.

And the gayest extent.

Try to be bold.

I like to have the gayest sense.

When you're out at bars,

meeting people for meetings, when you're in the boardroom, and when you're in the bedroom or the boardroom.

And my dad always said to me, Wyatt, please stop doing that with your wrists.

I don't mind.

A firm handshake, Wyatt.

Squeeze, Wyatt.

It might be too late for the voice,

but we can do something about your wrists.

I thought maybe

it would drop at some point, but then,

lo and behold, here comes your 22nd birthday.

You still sound like that.

So

my dad said, be bold, Wyatt.

I can't wait till Wyatt is just

a son that's gay Garfield.

Oh, fuck my cheeks.

Damn, what do you guys think?

You think we're gonna get a nice turnout?

This fucking who's gonna win, dude?

I think.

Um, are we gonna get a nice blue wave?

It would be great if the exact opposite happens, red wave, dude.

It would be wild, yeah.

That just somehow keeps winning somehow, dude.

The the his guys love is it is it

35 seats or up or

35.

There's a difference in like 30, I think, seven

seats in the house that the Democrats need to make up.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it's 27.

Yeah.

It looks like the Democrats might win the House.

That would be sweet.

That'd be something.

It would be very funny.

I mean, it would be funny.

If we would just

be horrible, but I mean, it would be horrible.

If they just had like a filler buster-proof majority in the Senate.

Do 265 you think Republicans.

Do you think the French resistance was this obnoxious?

Like, people in France were like, these people suck.

Oh, you're talking about like during the war?

Yeah, the Richie France.

The war.

Yeah.

The only reason they were France, they're like, look, I hate the Nazis also.

I'm not a fucking anti-Semite, but these resistance people.

Yeah, they're like, I'm a nasty woman, Hitler.

Yeah.

I remember on election night,

I was with Will from Choppo, and right after name.

Name drops.

Damn.

Right after Chopo drops.

You know Will from Chiapo?

Damn, dude.

You know that guy?

Everyone's face was like just look like politics genius.

Yeah, yeah.

Politics and Jason.

You said after a number so good at voting.

Dude, God.

Anyway, did you tell him I said hi?

That's like the funny thing about you go to vote and it's just like

that's what all of this amounts to.

Yeah, well, you know, all of the

posturing everyone, I mean, you know, this is like specific to Brooklyn or whatever, like our friends or being like a media person or a fucking Twitter person.

All the political posturing, which is not activism.

No.

It's just, yeah, getting on Twitter and having opinions about shit.

People vote so they could be smug.

And then it, yeah, and then at the end of that is going into an elementary school and being like, I don't know, I guess this guy.

Yeah, well, in New York, it wasn't like there was anything really up there.

There's nothing to vote for.

Except for the three questions.

Cortez already wanted to go to the next question.

Yeah, wait, the three questions, and then

district

dad, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Letitia Johnson.

Hell yeah.

That is not my job.

That is not my job.

It's her campaign slogan.

Yep.

Shout out to Tish.

That is not my job.

Yeah, I don't know.

Whatever.

Who cares?

So you were hanging out with.

Oh, no, yeah, Will.

It was so funny.

You know that picture

of France right after the Nazis took over?

Wait, hold on.

What?

I got to start using a timer rather than.

Oh, yeah, we got an ad.

Yeah, well, we don't have an ad.

I've just been gambling a lot recently.

Oh, what's been going on?

Yeah, we don't have any more ads.

We've just been gambling.

Yeah, in fact, I didn't vote.

I just went on betsi.com.

what's betsi.com it's this uh it's this they've been paying out winners i love those like those commercials it's for like shit that fucking whores buy or whatever like candles or you know

yogurt

and like it'll be like four bitches coming at you sure the house probably from what their husband's bank account yeah dude from shop taking his credit card to shop

for their pussy to where the shopping place

to buy underwear for your pussy.

And they come in, and then one of them will be like,

What the hell is that?

What the fuck is that?

What the fuck is that?

What you fucking bitch?

What's the fucking shit?

What the fuck are you drinking, you dumb bitch?

What the fuck is that plugged into the wall?

It doesn't go anywhere.

There's no cord to it.

What the fuck?

It smells good, but what the fuck is that?

You fucking.

You fucking slut.

And then she's like,

it's a glade.

Glade plug.

And then they're all like, ha ha,

ha,

plug it in, plug it in.

Plug it in.

So sorry for staying all over.

And then they're all friends with each other.

Anyways, that's what we're doing.

We're not doing that.

That's what this

is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know,

Betty SI is like the fellas' version of that.

So we all come in from, guess what, the strip club where you're allowed to touch.

Oh, yeah.

And put your fingers in their pussy.

We all walk into the apartment.

We're laughing, throwing our heads back.

Felling each other's fingers.

Yeah.

And each other's asses.

Yeah, that's so funny.

I went to middle school with that bitch.

And now she's addicted to heroin.

she's addicted to heroin.

She'll psychiatic for $15.

She's living in a Chrysler minivan

in a fucking town and country.

Neither of those places she's allowed in anymore.

No.

She's been banned for both town and country and is now handing out 50 cent fingerings.

She'll finger your ass for 50 cents.

I come in with my own menu laminated.

I've got a price sheet.

You made your own.

I made my own.

And then we come, anyways, all of this has happened.

And we come back in the apartment and we say,

then somebody's like, what the fuck is that on your laptop?

And then I was like, oh, nothing.

And I minimized the child porn.

And then

it's betthysi.com.

Yeah.

It's betthysi.com.

You're like, no, the first thing.

Yeah, like,

shut the fuck up, shut up.

That's Bethesi.com.

It's a great website.

They bet the porn.

That's what you were asking about.

It's a great website with an easy-to-use mobile interface.

You know what that is?

Can I see your phone?

Yeah.

And you have child porn, and you X that out real quick.

But hold it under that.

The case for my phone is child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had a custom child porn phone case that I made.

I'm like, I don't know how that got there.

My phone must have fallen and it picked it up off the ground.

Anyways,

easy-to-use mobile playing

a fucking app or whatever.

Yep.

In-game wagering.

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We got a little bit of a change of Reno in terms of...

I forgot that

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Months.

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I don't think.

Oh, wait, hold on.

Uh-oh.

They also offer odds on pretty much everything else.

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Sports.

Sports is fucking game.

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They got a great mobile app, and they offer live in-game.

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Honestly, dude, what I'm betting on, man,

fucking the Ravens are off, so I don't even know.

But But take the Bucs, dude.

I would also take France to win the Cirque du Soleil.

I got a good feeling about perennial favorite France.

Yeah.

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Coming in hot off the World Cup.

Yes, that's correct.

You know, that was, what, three weeks ago?

Yeah, about

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Come 120.

Let's start the show.

What's the real ass podcast podcast music?

Oh, yeah.

Man, I'm fucking fucking real-ass dude, and one of them.

And one of them didn't even get a choice.

He's just so fat and ugly, he had to be gay.

And he had to abuse his dick with rat traps in public.

Hey, shout out Zach.

He can fuck, dude.

Can he?

Yeah.

He has a Prince Albert who's married now, or he's engaged.

Zach's married.

Yeah.

Good friend.

The sniper.

No, no, he got engaged.

The sniper got engaged, dude.

Sakamiko, they call him the diaper.

Sakamiko, he's shooting a diaper.

Where's the diaper?

What kind of opiate do you think the guy who wrote that song is addicted to?

Probably Tremadol, dude.

Yeah.

Probably a bootleg ass.

That Tremadol was nice.

I've tried some before, and it does not do it for me.

I really liked it.

I did opiates last night.

Did you?

What did you do?

A Hydra Codon?

Nice.

Where did you get that?

My friend stole it from his at Bentthsi.com.

Bentosi.com.

Bethtsi.com slash hydra coder.

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Now, the way this works is you can't immediately receive the Roxaset.

You have to lose all of your deposit first gambling.

And then they supplement it with opiates.

That would be a cool way to do that.

I think the podcast is a little bit too

high velocity.

I think we should slow it down with some opioid addition.

We should do a chopped and screwed version of the show.

Just drink lean.

I want to get into having so much lean I can't take planes anymore.

Rick Ross was getting a seizure like every four months, like five years ago.

He was just

that was so awesome.

He was just and it kept happening.

They did it once.

They're like, all right, well, I can fucking do it again.

I can keep taking lean on planes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do think we should do episodes where we're on drugs, man.

Yeah, I could get into it.

I rented this.

I'm about to do a double feature tonight.

Cherry 2000 and Motorama.

Motorama.

That's Mullen's movie, man.

Suck my fucking dick.

What's Cherry 2000?

Cherry 2000 about a guy who's sex robot short circuits.

He has to go into the desert, into the bad lands.

And

what's it?

Melanie Griffith is like a tracker that helps him find the new robot to fuck her.

Nuh.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Yep.

Fine-ass Melanie Griffith.

I would smash her.

Early 90s Melanie Griffith?

Mid-80s.

Mid-80s.

Sweet spot.

Yeah.

She looked good.

Sweet spot is the line between my nuts.

Looking like

Chrissy Tank girl.

Yeah.

No, I haven't.

Never mind.

Say it.

No.

Say it.

Doesn't matter.

Say it.

My aunt was in the wardrobe department of that movie.

Nice.

And she

is Is that who you're related to, Adam?

Someone who makes dresses?

My aunt.

Did she also make your dresses that you wore up until four years ago?

Your favorite relative growing up?

Oh, Auntie Adam.

She also named after.

She did House of Ten Thousand Corpses, too, the Rockstar movie.

Yeah, nice.

House of 10,000 Dicks.

House of 10,000 Dicks.

That's where she lives.

That's actually where your aunt lives.

That's how she got through.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that guy.

I've been cursed.

For 5,000

years.

I've been having gay sex

on the top of the top of Mount Crushmore.

Cursed for nothing but gay sex for 5,000 years.

Cursed to have gay sex

until this ring is removed from my cock

by a warrior.

Only one warrior.

Knights come by, and he's like, Do you have the strength to remove the ring from my cock?

And they're like, I don't want to do that.

I don't care if you don't, if you keep it.

Can't do anything for stopping you.

Please, please, I'll give you a little bit of a couple.

I'll give you a couple of

bucks.

The prophecy said that someone would.

But there was a knight who's supposed to remove the ring from my cock.

No, chill out.

I'm not sure.

It can only be true love's kiss.

I thought there was some bitch up here.

Yeah, what the fuck?

They told me there was a damsel in distress.

Yeah, not some old guy.

You keep saying

No, it's just a human being in need.

I've been

pretty sure I'm HIV positive.

Can you please just take the ring?

Dragons keep having sex with my ass.

It's a pretty nice ring.

You could probably sell it for two, three hundred,

whatever our dumb currency is, Lira.

For 4,000 years, I've been having gay sex.

5,000 a year.

Cursed from the dawn of eternity.

and now I've been the gods take what they please from my ass and to mount to Mount Killer Moore

having gay sex with wayward travelers

gay sex with ogres and trolls

damn dude sock me off

Tolkien rules

you know wasn't he uh anti-Semite yeah that's what I meant meant.

Wasn't he?

Yeah, dude.

The Hobbits are all like.

Schiegel was the Jew.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Conniving, he's really into jewels.

Exactly.

Gold.

Frodo, once Schmeagel put the ring on, he could do nothing but have gay sex.

It makes women invisible to you.

You must never put the ring on, Frodo.

I've never seen those movies.

I've never read read those fucking books.

Yeah, me either.

Come on, bro.

I tried to read them.

You never saw the movies?

I tried to watch.

I wanted to like them so bad.

They're so fucking long.

They just suck.

Yeah.

They're fucking boring.

But you got to see them all.

No, you don't.

Yeah.

You can just not watch them.

All right.

Just watch right back while I suck off this tree.

They want me to suck their dicks

so we can go to war with the orcs.

I would watch an edit of

Gandalf sacrificed himself by having gay sex with those trees.

But what about Second Breakfast?

I'm trying to remember anything about those movies.

Gandalf the Gay.

Sauron has an all-fucking dick on top of the mountain.

No, it's his asshole.

It's an all-fucking asshole.

In any of the land, the eye.

No, the eye is just as dick.

His brown-eyed snake

will receive your cock from anywhere, Frodo.

Well, be careful, Frodo.

His asshole will suck up your cock.

Is that what Gandalf sounds like?

Yeah, that's Ian McKellen, right?

Yeah.

I love being.

I'm gay.

I love being gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

And my best friend is Patrick Stewart.

And we probably have had sex.

Hello, I'm gay actor.

Oh, I think he fucks 21-year-old girls.

It's not as funny if it's an actual gay actor.

Yeah, it has to be Michael Douglas.

Make him straight.

Make Ian straight.

I am gay actor Michael Douglas.

Hello, I'm straight actor Ian McKillan.

I love pussy.

I know people are getting mad about repeating that bit, but there's something so goddamn funny about Michael Douglas referring to himself as gay actor.

It's really good.

I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.

If there's anything I love more than gay sex, it's helping the

retards or whatever the fuck we're doing.

It's helping children with fragile X syndrome.

It's not a real thing, Michael.

Yeah.

Suck me home.

So I was at a bar this weekend with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend, Dasha, girl, who's a female.

And we ended up talking to this psychopath for like three hours.

What's his name?

What's his name?

I'm not going to say his name.

But it was a guy.

It was a guy.

So you were talking with a guy in three hours.

We couldn't figure out what he was on about, but he was just going so fast that we wanted to see what it was about.

And, like, he was wearing fancy clothes.

But if it was like a hobo saying this stuff, I'd be like, oh, this is just like a crazy person on the streets.

But he was telling me that there's going to be a terrible event in New York City in the next three weeks to six months.

Oh, yeah.

I was saying you should just call the police on that guy.

What?

Who?

I should.

You told me this story.

No, suck me, huh?

Maybe Dasha told this story.

Maybe Dasha told you.

Dasha told me this story.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, yeah, when you guys were hanging out.

Yeah, we were hanging out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, when she came over.

Yeah.

To hang out with her.

Oh, she told me that story, too.

I asked my friends to hang out with my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, just to keep her company.

She told me that story, too.

What do you mean?

She told you that.

Yeah, she told me that.

I thought I only said she could hang out in this.

When we were Night the Roxbury,

He basically

was saying that if he needs to get out of control,

there's only five bridges, right, to get off the islands of Long Island and Manhattan.

And that's why he's a sailor.

He has a boat.

Okay.

So I think that we should actually invest in a come town boat.

Because if any ship

is now, we got to get off the island.

Already submarine.

Why already submarine?

Because it's faster.

It's tactical.

Why would anything happen?

We have torpedoes.

It doesn't make any sense.

because our power grid and water grid are incredibly vulnerable to hacking.

First of all, we're not on Manhattan.

I don't buy, listen, I don't buy this.

We're not on Manhattan.

I think the guy is full of shit.

I don't need a power.

Yeah, but we're in Brooklyn, which is Long Island.

We're still on an island.

I'm in Queens.

You know what I do need, though, is something to make my fucking broken dick work.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

Me too.

I don't even know why we even need to pretend this is.

This is the most exciting

thing ever to do a read.

Oh, I'm so excited.

We are now sponsored by a dick pill company.

Dick pills, baby.

We've done it.

We never cared about.

Listen, the Patreon money is nice.

This is the real goal: to always have hard-ass dicks on deck.

This is vascular, thick, hard cocks.

It feels like a career benchmark.

Yeah, absolutely.

I fucked around with Viagra, but this Blue Juice shit is like Tadafil or something.

Oh, that's Cialis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the better shit.

Yeah, you're right.

It keeps your dick hard for a few days.

Anyways, Blue Chew.com.

That's B-L-U-E-C-H-E-W.com.

Our show got cancelled.

What show got cancelled?

Oh, the bar show we were doing.

Oh.

Can you never interrupt a fucking Blue Chew read ever again?

Sorry.

Show some fucking respect.

Blue shit, blue shit.

Show some fucking respect, Adam.

Sorry, I apologize.

Anyways, look, it's yeah, it's chewable fucking like generic brand.

Well, not generic, blue chew branded for good shit, man.

And the thing that's nice about doing reads for this shit is like, your dick doesn't work.

If it doesn't work, take the fucking pill.

Take a pill, get a hard-ass dick.

Yeah, and take,

take the, go, go to the website we recommend because they fucking hooked us up.

Yeah.

My brain, I might not be able to read anything.

Listen to this.

Every time you take one of those pills and your dick gets hard, our dicks are brothers in that.

We're equipped with the same fucking artillery, the same ammunition.

Enlist in the Blue Chew Army with me and Nick.

We're 69-star general.

We're chewable because chewable ones work fast.

They work faster.

They go into your blood stream.

Now, this is not in the copy, but I would imagine that if you can chew them, you can definitely smash that shit up and mix it with some cocaine and rail it.

Yeah, especially because cocaine hurts your bone.

They probably don't want me saying that.

No.

No, I mean,

that's Nick's little tip.

We'll find out next week.

You know, get some mushroom caps, some cocaine, and some blue chews.

Do a nice line.

Just walk around hallucinating

energetic crushed mushrooms.

That's called the Joker.

That's called Why So Serious, baby.

Oh, yeah.

And you fucking, yeah, do a fat line of that shit.

You can take Blue Chew on a full or empty stomach.

I love it.

Yeah.

How about I do whatever the fuck I want with anything?

Well, I feel like sometimes if you eat too heavy a meal, it takes a while for your dick to get harder.

Yeah.

Just out of just speaking from hypothetical experience.

You got some.

you just fill out some form online.

There's no doctor.

Yeah, yeah, you know, some form.

They got a fucking

awkward conversation, no waiting in line at a pharmacy.

I would love to wait in line.

It ships directly to the door in discrete packaging.

They're emphasizing discrete here.

Yeah, if you're a coward, you want discrete packaging, but I insist that they write hard-ass dick pills all over the world.

I want my dick pills delivered to me in a fucking rigid air ship.

Dick pills.

I want them to skyright dick pills.

A man who is fucking in defiance of his own body and nature.

A man ignoring all the fucking warning signs his body is showing him.

Should I lose weight?

Probably.

Are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA.

You hear that?

America, baby.

You're supporting the country.

No more Chinese dick pills for stock.

No more for me.

No more weird Indian dick pills.

Hell yeah.

I like to imagine a union guy, like a Dan O'Connor.

he's left his racist wife he's working and he's like well she's dead that dumb bitch family killed her yeah my wife died and I make dick pills for blue-blooded Americans

and the jobs are coming back to the heartland blue shoe gives you confidence in bed every time that's right bro well and listen you don't need to use them every fucking time you and your partner will love it yeah okay yeah let's listen yeah let's not about having your dick hard it's about yeah let's not go crazy it's about looking at your hard ass dick in the mirror.

Yeah.

And if you get some fucking pussy,

that's a fucking bonus.

You might miss me with that partner talk.

I just admire the veins in my throbbing hardcock alone.

Chew it and do it.

That's what they say.

Here's a great deal for you guys.

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Damn.

Damn.

Can you imagine that?

Free?

Actually, I think I might ask them to rescind that.

I don't think any of you deserve it.

You would crash the website.

Yeah.

Just pay $5 shipping.

That's B-L-U-Echu.com.

Promo code Cometown.

C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

God damn.

May you fucking think of us while you do it.

This is great.

Script, but please don't feel obligated to read verbatim.

Use your own language and talk about your own experiences.

Oh, we have.

Make it fun.

You know what I was saying?

Guys, I wish to last longer and go a few extra rounds.

Why don't they just say, get your dick hard?

Yeah.

I don't say, like, who's the man who's like, this is like if your dick doesn't work and you've never had sex.

Right.

You're thinking about it.

I've been thinking about getting into that

hot stuff

everybody's been talking about.

When you're ready to have a hot time with your partner,

there's one thing I love to do more than anything is to take medicine to fix my broken body.

Nothing really gets me in the mood

more than being faced very concretely with my impending mortality.

Right.

Being a 29-year-old man.

I'm no longer a young man.

Just something

staring me in the face.

Reminding me that the next

is probably lung cancer, and then I go out and have another cigarette anyways.

But yeah, bluechew.com.

Check them out.

Check them out.

Get that dick hard.

Get your fucking dick.

Pump some fucking sweet ass or pussy, whatever it is.

I'm gay actor Michael Dutch.

Or, you know, a man's mouth.

My dick doesn't work.

That's why I started having to eat my English wife's pussy, which gave me a mouth cancer.

She's Welsh.

She's Welsh.

I stand corrected.

I got mouth cancer from eating Welsh pussy.

If you had a nice piece of Welsh pussy, honestly.

If I had had blue chew.com back before my dick didn't work, I wouldn't have had to have gotten mouth cancer from

his wife.

Blue Chew cures cancer.

Blue Chew.com guaranteed me, gay actor Michael Douglas.

100% guaranteed.

Well, I'm gay.

I'm a private dancer.

Dancer for money.

I use that money to buy gay cancer.

That's what, because you know, that song's like, what, what, a euphemism for a prostitute?

I think so.

But imagine how much weirder it would be to buy a woman and just be like, dance.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's fucking tango.

Dance.

Here's $400 for you.

I just want you to dance.

That would suck.

That man should be killed.

Yeah.

So you want me to do true lies.

Dance for me.

Never seen it.

Where Jamie Lee Curtis.

Oh,

Schwarzenegger makes Jamie Lee Curtis, who is his wife, dance for him.

And she's playing an undercover prostitute.

Fellas, if you want to play along at home, go ahead and type in Jamie Lee Curtis tits.

Send me your phone.

She has incredible.

She's an incredible cock.

Her tits in

what's the one with Trading Places.

Yeah,

there they are.

Those are formative titties.

God damn.

I'm seeing those titties at a young age.

Good lord, I'm about to bust.

That's original.

Someone get me some blue chew.

That's original.

About to beat material.

It's going to be hard as shit while I beat off to these titties.

Is it true that she is a hermaphrodite?

Or is that just an urban literature?

I'll suck that little half-formed cock if it comes with a pair of titties.

What is a hermaphrodite?

Just the big clit?

No, no, never gonna learn.

It's one of those things where you pretend like you don't know what it is.

I really don't know what it is.

Even though it's you.

Goddess ass.

Well, yeah, it is a big clit.

Is that old her?

Yeah, I mean, it's a fake.

Oh, yeah, it's fake as shit.

Deep fake.

But it looks pretty good.

I'll fuck that lady, whoever she is.

Jamie Lee Curtis.

She's looking pretty good still, honestly, in that Halloween movie.

I didn't see it, but there were some stills.

Damn, I would love to smash Jamie Lee Curtis.

Everyone, tell her I say what's up.

Yeah.

Tell her and the one everyone blames for Hillary losing with big-ass titties.

Susan Sarandon.

Yeah, dude, I would smash Susan Sarandon.

Suze current day Susan.

Saranda's got some fucking hinden titties.

She's got some fucking heavy titties.

God damn.

She's fine.

Sarandon tits.

tits.

Nice.

Look at those things, dude.

People really hate her.

They think that.

They're fucking so stupid to blame her.

Yeah, they think Hillary lost his face.

This is my favorite kind of

famous.

The face is.

Just the worst body.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

She's probably hotter.

I'd love to suck those, whatever those are.

Yeah.

Whoever those belong to.

Yeah, she's got some big slappies.

She's got to be topless somewhere.

What the fuck?

Sarandon?

The Sun, UK.

Susan Sarandon is right to show off her simply wonderful boobs at 70.

Honestly, yes.

I support the sun.co.uk for that.

Look at those fucking heavy-ass titties, dude.

I'm trying to get fucking, I'm trying to get slapped in the face by those old-ass titties.

Yeah, but she's like a million years old.

I feel like she dates guys our age.

Is that what you're doing?

I'm not sure about her.

I'm probably not hot enough for her, but I'm going to try my best to show her.

She's not with Tim Robbins anymore.

Listen, I am going to shoot my shot if I ever get even an iota of space.

This is so funny, dude.

The article is like, the headline is, Susan Serenity is right to show off her simply wonderful boobs at 70.

And it's like, well,

you know, just because she's old doesn't mean she's not, you know, look at those tits.

She's 70.

Then you scroll down and it's immediately just pictures of her when she was young.

Hey, man, whatever.

You know, it's like, but remember how much hotter she used to be?

Well, let's not go crazy here.

Whatever, dude.

Sometimes you fucking sometimes you, you know, there's a little, I'll eat a fucking slightly brown avocado, too, you know what I'm saying?

It's a little mushier.

Got a couple fucking darker spots, but.

See me, I don't eat a single fruit or vegetables.

It's only processed foods, you know.

You white trash Jordan Peterson?

Sour patch kids.

Okay.

My man eating just beef.

Just beef.

What is Jordan Peterson's goal there with the just beef?

I don't know.

That clip is so funny.

I don't know what clips are.

There's a new cloud where they ask him about it.

They're like, so

how do you feel about your all-meat diet?

He's like, it's exhausting, honestly.

But I've lost 70 pounds.

I'm not experiencing autoimmune disorders that I

literally just experienced.

He's just a professor from Cloud.

I know.

It's like people want to make an argument that that guy is.

He's a self-help guy.

He's just like, yeah, he's like an intelligent guy with bad takes.

But like...

That is retarding.

He's retarded.

Any kind of diet where you restrict yourself to one type of food, obviously you're going to fucking lose weight because it's like

you can't eat anything.

You're just going to have just meat available to you constantly.

That shit's not good for you.

He's also constantly crying in public.

It might have to do with the all-meat diet.

Yeah.

Well, he probably can't shit anymore.

He probably hasn't shit in years.

Oh, my God.

That's so true.

Can you imagine?

It is true.

I know it's true.

I've listened to this.

You're listening to the true podcast.

This shit's true.

You're really true podcasts.

You're listening to true shit.

This summer, one man.

Don't dessert.

A skyscraper.

I

gee.

I wish I could do a rock impression.

Hmm.

What does he sound like?

I don't know.

Because I want to do skyscraper, but my family's up there, and they're my family is up there.

My family is up there.

Fuck.

If you suck

with Michael, you can't go with that.

You have to go with his regular speaking voice.

Yeah, it's like that.

Yeah.

My family's up there.

I got to fuck around with him more, but I can get him.

You'll get him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like his voice isn't too remarkable.

It's not remarkable.

Yeah.

But he has a distinct way of speaking.

He's kind of like Obama a little bit.

Yeah.

That is true.

You're right.

He's clipped.

Yeah.

He clips his shit at the end.

Yeah.

He clips like Adam's dick is clipped.

Okay.

Which one of you put their dick in my ass?

That's good.

Yeah.

Which one of you put your dick in?

Which one of you put your dick in my ass?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, no, no.

You're getting there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, trust me, I got this, dog.

I believe he, brother.

A couple more weeks, I will have a Dwayne The Rock Johnson in broken.

A couple weeks just looking at shirtless pictures of the people.

Just looking at pictures of them.

I don't know if you're a Hawaii talks.

Yep.

Yeah.

I can't wait.

Okay.

He does kind of sound like Obama now that I think about it.

They do have a similar cadence.

They're both from Hawaii.

Neither of them are American.

They're both Kenyan.

They're both Kenyan.

Both me and President Obama.

It's me, Dwayne, The Rock Johnson.

And I'm Ryan Shuttle.

And I'm Ryan Shuttle, and I'm Robo.

And I'm

Dwayne, Ryan Shutt, The Rock Obama.

Damn.

And I am.

Can you smell how gay I am?

Can you smell?

How gay?

I am, and I'm online shot.

Who put their dick in my ass?

How's that going?

I'm just going to keep saying that until it sounds like the rock.

Who put their dick in my ass?

Such an awesome question.

Yeah, yeah.

The idea that your dick went in your ass and you were in some sort of position where you couldn't tell who it was.

We're supposed to be a family.

What's the fucking family?

It's supposed to be a family when we said that we're gonna be a family together.

Yeah, I can't do him.

No, yeah, no, that's probably that's an easy one.

You'll get you just have to listen to him.

Right.

Who put their dick in my ass?

Which one of y'all put your dick in my ass?

Go home, Steve.

Reginald Val Johnson.

Did I do that?

Did I rape your ass?

Yeah.

Who put their dick in my ass?

It was me.

I'm gay, I'm gay.

Yeah, fuck.

Well, I guess The Rock's gonna be president soon enough, so we'll have

plenty of impressions.

We're all gonna find out the Rock Republic when he runs as soon as you become president, it becomes very easy to do an impression of you, right?

Yep, I understand how that works like that.

You know, you're out there enough,

everyone has to learn.

My name is Ryan Schutt,

I'm Ron Shutt.

My name is Ron Schutt.

And I'm gay.

My name is Ryan Schutt, and I'm gay.

I did not.

My name is Ryan Schutt, and I'm gay.

I am not a straight man.

My name is Ryan.

Ryan Schudd, and I'm gay.

I went up to Mr.

Gorbachev, and I said to him, My name is Ryan Schutt

and I am gay.

Mr.

Gorbachev.

Mr.

Gorbachev.

Suck on my calves.

Tear up my ass.

Tear up these cheeks.

Tear up.

Mr.

Saddam Hussein needs to understand that my name is Ryan Schutt.

And I'm gay.

Damn, Nick.

Oh, fuck.

Damn, this is an Epcot Hall of Presidents level.

My name is Ryan Schott.

and I will be gay for you.

Instead of a saxophone, I play a big penis.

It goes into my mouth.

Yeah, I don't know if I could do a W impression anymore.

How's it going?

Not even close.

No, it's

your favorite.

What's up, W.

Bush?

Yeah, what's up, Dak?

I'm George W.

Bush.

Fool me once.

Shame on you.

I'm not going to be fooled again.

You can't.

I'm not going to be fooled.

My mind's shut and I'm gay.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, you can only just really approximate most of them.

Really lock.

The real dialed-in impression is hard to find once once somebody's gone.

Out of sight, out of mind i hope they bring bring back george bush you know

a compassionate conservative compassionate conservative that just who put their dick in my ass

who put their dick in my ass in my ass in my ass

why is he saying that i don't know why is that the phrase you're keying it on i don't know but i mean i'd learned john ham by just saying like why would you choose to be gay?

Yeah, that's true.

Over and over.

That's true.

If you had a choice,

if you had a choice to be gay or be with a woman,

why would you make the choice to be gay?

Yeah, choices would like.

Who put their dick in my ass?

In my ass.

Which one of you, Jabronis, put their dick in my ass?

In my ass.

What was he like sleeping?

Was he bent over?

I don't know, man.

That's

look, it's a process.

In my ass?

Come on, we don't need that.

Obama

just sheepishly waving off hacklers.

Come on, we don't need all that messerino in here.

Everyone's like, he's still so cool.

Can you please leave?

Come on, we don't need all that.

Why Why don't you go heckle your

your own thing?

I'm Ryan Shot.

I'm gay.

Ah, fuck.

Yeah.

Fruck my ass.

Damn.

Who would.

Hi, I'm President Michael Douglas.

I'm also Ryan Shotton.

Ryan shut it out.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

I can't wait to go home and do drugs.

Yeah, what kind of drugs?

Yeah,

I think I got one more pill left out of my stash, and I'm probably getting high.

What kind of pill?

A perk, I believe.

Where'd you get that Roxaset?

You said my friend visited his friend and his annoying girlfriend this weekend, and then he brought it back.

It was expired, it wasn't very potent.

Yeah, but you know, I had a nice time sitting on the couch.

I would love if we could get sponsored by Pfizer.

Whoever the fuck makes OxyContin

is like, you guys got to check this shit out.

No, it wasn't promo code Come Town.

It wasn't Oxycontin.

It was

Hydrocodon, yeah, yeah.

Which is what, Percocet?

Or Vicodin?

Yeah.

Percocet and Vicodin are like roughly the same.

I think so.

The week I got shingles.

Apparently the FGA just approved the most addictive opiate yet or something.

Hell yeah.

I can't wait.

Let's keep that going.

The Fuck Dick Association.

They pass like an anti-opioid epidemic thing in the House or in the Senate, 99 to 1.

And Trump's like, push through this new anti-opioid legislation.

Very little support for the Democrats.

It is like

a judge lying about everything.

You have to.

It sucks.

You have to respect it.

It's so funny.

I think the one vote against it was a Republican.

For sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it rocks.

God, and every clip of him talking is hilarious.

So cool.

That umbrella thing from last week was amazing.

Just threw it on the ground.

Dude, he rattles.

Yeah.

He is so funny.

It sucks that he's literally fucking

seems to just be an evil motherfucker.

Look, I've told people numerous times.

I'm not Ryan Schott, and I'm straight.

Oh,

boo!

Boo!

Look, my name is Donald Trump.

Dude, my name may or may not be Donald Trump.

That's the last style.

And that's straight up.

I cannot support that.

Oh, the president breaking from tradition.

What it means is that he tells the opposite of the title.

Has he no respect for the office?

He has no respect for the office.

The office of presidency means nothing.

President Trump uses alien invasion speech to announce that he's Ryan Schott.

And that he is not Ryan Shott.

Clearly lying through his speech.

Dude, if he started selling ad space,

if he could get President Trump to accept like $30 million to just do like cameo shout outs

and we could get him to say, I'm Ryan Shudd, and I'm gay.

I would pay, I would literally pay every

hear him say, I'm Ryan Shudd and I'm gay.

I'm Ryan Shudd and I'm gay.

That would be.

That's the reason we have this podcast is to get a sitting president to say, I'm Ryan Shudd and I'm gay

and to get sponsored by dick pill companies.

Oh, yeah, shout out Blue Chew.

Who put their dick in the rocks?

Who did it?

I'm Ryan Shutton, I'm gay, and I'm here to get to the bottom of this.

I'm here to find out who put their dick in the rock's ass.

Who put their dick in my ass?

God damn, bro.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I need to go to sleep.

Why don't you sleep on these nuts?

How's Red Dead going?

I've mostly just been riding around getting used to the world, the universe.

The world, yeah.

It's just pretty to look at.

You can get kicked, right, if you watch it.

I'll be honest with you, it started off extremely fucking slow.

Yeah.

There's like all these like big, what are they, like AAA games, like games that's like a huge studio.

They spent a lot of money on it.

People have been anticipating this game for like a fucking decade.

The game spends all this time sucking its own dick with all this like cinematic bullshit.

It's like, this is supposed to be a video game.

And then they do all this shit that's supposed to make it more immersive that ends up just being tedious and distracting.

Like, hold L2 to focus on the chair and then hold triangle to sit in it.

That's how

I even sit in the chair.

I don't like care to do that.

You have to like shave and shit.

You have to shave.

I hate that shit.

You can get a divorce.

It really is.

They like make these games for people that have not even the basics of a regular human life inside of video games.

I told you, Mike.

You're like, wow, you can brush your teeth in the game.

Imagine brushing your teeth.

Ari,

when GTA 5 came out, he would just spend hours changing his outfit and doing yoga.

I hate that.

Doing yoga.

Yeah, there was like a yoga challenge.

No, I've been trying to figure out how to kill elk without fucking up the pelt.

That's like my where I'm at right now.

That's cool.

Yeah.

I'd like a nice elk pelt.

Yeah.

Just getting some supplies.

Oh, yeah.

Leveling, as they may call it.

Yes, sir.

Grinding.

Grinding.

Grinding.

Grinding.

Sucking.

My hard-ass little ass penis.

You know, when my dick is in line, that I'll put my dick inside your butt cheeks.

Grinding.

So, gang, listen, come to fucking Funny Moms this Monday.

This

the 12th.

We got, who do we have?

Brandon Wardell.

Someone else.

Someone else.

Blandon is coming.

I can't wait to see Blanda and Wardell.

A woman and a person of color.

If you're in Long Island, I will be on the 30th, 11:30 of November.

I will be there at something in a movie theater doing fucking comedy somewhere.

Check out my website.

The big one, if you're in D.C., please come see me at the DC draft house.

I'm doing my first real headlining weekend on the 7th and 8th.

Would love to see you there, folks.

And then if you're in Indianapolis, I'm coming to Indianapolis on the 14th, Cincinnati, I'm sorry, Indianapolis on the 13th, Cincinnati on the 14th, and Columbus on the 15th.

And so please come out and see me on those.

And I'm working on a couple other things.

Maybe Pittsburgh, maybe L.A., maybe Denver.

So keep your motherfucking Phoenix, perhaps.

Our analytics say a lot of people listen to Phoenix.

If that's true, please DM me and I will definitely build a show.

Yeah.

I don't know how much I trust those analytics.

They've worked in like some of the ones that, like, they have Seattle and Portland.

You sent me that list, and it said that, like, nobody in New York listens to it.

No, no, no.

They've just broken New York down into like eight different cities.

So it's like Brooklyn is one, Long Island City is one.

But the biggest one was like Toronto.

Yeah.

And there was like, what, 20,000 in Toronto?

And then the next one's like

Deaconville, Arkansas.

No, Arkansas is not.

But yeah, the first couple of ones were weird.

I think what happens is with like foreign countries, they group a lot of places together because like London and Toronto were pretty big.

But there's no way that only like 400 people in Brooklyn listen to the show.

No, Brooklyn is on there like five different times.

It's like

that's pretty accurate.

But but yeah, I don't know.

They seem a little weird, the analytics.

But did you do that report, by the way?

Yeah, I left it running.

I'll go.

And it just doesn't work.

Yeah, yeah.

I emailed them, but whatever.

All right, gang.

Well, listen, come see us, please.

And if there's any city or if you book shows, talk to us.

And I'm sure we'll come out and either one of us will come to stand-up or we'll come bring the whole squad.

And

I think that's fucking it.

You have anything else you want to say, Nick?

No.

You want to try the rock one more time?

I know.

I should book stuff.

You should do Chicago.

Yeah, I will.

You should do the Lincoln Launch that I just did.

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll give you their contact info.

That'll be.

You hear that?

Nick's doing Chicago.

Hey.

Here he's C-U-Ms.

Ride you like a hurricane.

Suck me like a gay-ass guy.

I am gay.

I am gay.

Ride you like a hurricane.

Come inside a hurricane.

I think that Adam just left, and then the cum is just swirling.

Adam just decided to leave.

Yeah, he thought he thinks he's too good for this.

Yeah, damn,

let's fucking act.

Hydra sets, yeah.

How fucking rude, dude.

Oh, fuck.

All right, good night, everybody.

Goodbye, everyone.

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