Ep. 102 – still mad abotu you

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Don't say it

Hello everyone and welcome to motherfucking Come Town.

We're here.

Adam just got a new stove that I'm very jealous of yeah I'm very lucky to have it.

I'm very blessed.

It's fucking awesome looking.

Yeah.

You cook steaks on that motherfucker.

You cook cakes.

It's a stove-oven combo.

Classic.

That's how you know there's no anti-Semitism in the world anymore.

Jews got the most expensive ovens.

That's so true, man.

You know?

Yeah, but for a deal.

It doesn't come full circle.

Yep.

It wasn't sex.

You got your own shower in your apartment.

Yep.

Shower in your body.

You got a train that takes you to the bank.

Yeah.

Literally, yes.

Wow.

So we really are a post-How about after Five Old Goes West, there's a movie called Feival Goes to Hell for Being Jewish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a sequel.

Uh-huh.

That's good.

Yeah.

It is good.

Why did it happen?

Huh?

How did he die?

What?

In the movie, How Does Five Old Die?

Oh, I don't know, running afoul of a policy.

Oh, in the West.

In the West, yeah.

Well, it's a Celestial.

Getting involved with the Celestials.

Yeah.

Do we have Jews in the West?

Of course.

Saul Star.

Huh?

Saul Star.

They had some Jews in the West.

Of course, there were Jews in the West.

It was a business opportunity.

That's true.

Yeah.

Just like asking if there's Jews that own Bitcoin.

The first Jews to come to the New World were during Peter Stuyvesant's rule of New Amsterdam.

I bet the guys that were first into slavery were Bitcoin guys.

Like, no, you don't understand.

It's a new economy.

You make other people work for you.

Like, that seems like it doesn't work.

I don't understand how that works.

They just work for free.

It's like, yeah, you enslave them.

What does that mean?

They're like, there's like a blockchain.

You put their guts on it,

smash it, and then they're attached to a chain.

It's a big block, but it's an auction block, and there's chains attached to it.

And that's really, it's called cryptocurrency.

Yeah, I mean, that is the most beautiful free market thing, if you really think about it.

Libertarians must love slavery.

Yeah.

It's just the cheapest labor.

Guys, here's what we really need to be worried about.

As white people, how do we talk about Kanye?

We just have to worry

word for word because obviously

we're upset about what Kanye said, but as white people, we need to temper our rage at him because we need to understand.

I'm hurt by Kanye.

I'm personally offended.

Personally hurt and offended.

I can't believe Kanye would not think and feel exactly as I do.

I can't believe this.

This bipolar schizophrenic guy that we've known is bipolar and schizophrenic who killed his mom with sneaker moments.

No.

He did kill his mom.

He did not kill Donda.

Well, he blamed himself for her death and went crazy.

He's a good son.

His mom's name is Donda.

Yes.

Donda.

Yeah, and he named his design.

Donda Esta Mimadre.

I'll tell you where, right in hell with Feival.

And the rest of those rats.

Faival got fed to Wu.

Donda's in heaven.

Wu's pigs.

What?

Faival got fed to Wu's pigs.

Damn.

To get rid of the body.

I would love to feed somebody to my pigs.

I do want pigs.

My Chinese-ass murder pigs.

Chinese murder pigs.

Have you seen Deadwood Soft?

No.

I've seen

and out.

It's really cool.

Shut watches it.

Yeah, it's awesome.

Stop watching a show called Breadwood, and it's about a guy whose dick gets hard every time he thinks about bread.

And by a show, I mean the meat.

Yeah, why would that be a show?

It's about me.

It's a Miri as in his bedroom.

He wrote Sony on the bottom of it.

He's like, this is a good-ass show.

Breadwood, huh?

Honestly, it wouldn't even be bread.

It would be like some fucking lamb chops, some grilled-ass lamb chops.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

Which, by the way, on this new fucking stove,

you throw cast iron on there, you can make some delicious meats.

God damn it.

Throw it in that oven.

I'm so jealous.

Finish it off on the gas line.

Why don't you get it?

Do you have a gas hookup?

I do.

You should get a $6,000 oven.

I don't want to do that.

I did not pay $6,000.

The fans are going to get mad.

You said you just made it worse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hold on.

I got a D along.

He already said he got a D.

It was from Craigslist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not investing in my apartment.

I love my apartment, but my landlord is kind of fucking

our neighbor's balcony is just like drooping.

Yeah.

It's just going to fucking fall off.

That's bound to happen.

I'm investing in my apartment.

I'm building some in-wall bookshelves.

I ripped all the fucking baseboard out today.

You're going to die, though.

Yeah, when are you going to put gay sex for experts?

No, I'm just hanging on to the parts.

I'm hanging on to the parts of of the baseboard that I'm discarding.

So when I move out, I can just pop that shit back.

Just leave in.

You made the apartment better.

Yeah, in-wall bookshelves, they add to the apartment.

That's an upgrade.

I can't imagine the guy would have a fucking issue with that.

Yeah, I learned that from the prop boys.

Property brothers?

The property.

You got to go open for them.

No, Nick.

Property brothers.

You're in a real N-word mood today.

Yeah.

But it's spring.

It's nice out.

It is spring, yeah.

It's true.

there is a correlation for racism.

It's not racism.

It's just sometimes it's so nice out you got to use slurs.

Sure, that's true.

You know,

that's why they used to not let them in at the pool.

Because they're like, what, I'm supposed to censor myself on such a beautiful day?

Yeah, that makes sense.

That checks out.

Yeah.

Look, don't ever question my knowledge of American history.

I never will.

I never motherfucking will.

Oh, yeah.

I was saying earlier that Peter Stuyveson wrote a

new one.

What about Peter Guyveson?

He bugs them.

Yeah, well, no, it's just for guys.

Bedford Guyveson.

Boys Town.

Yeah.

That's actually what they call your apartment, Nick.

Getting Hedford Guyveson.

Getting Hedford Guyveson.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Cool.

What did Bedford

Stuyveson say?

So a boat of Jews showed up in New Amsterdam Harbor, and he's like, what the the fuck?

And so he wrote a letter to the Dutch West Indian Company, and he's like, guys, you won't believe this fucking Jews showed up.

Like, I don't want them here.

I want to kick them out.

And then the Dutch West Indian Company said, let them stay.

Oh, nice.

And then

from then on, this has become a disgusting

Jewish.

Has he been here that long?

Yeah, 1672 is what that happened.

Get the fuck out of here.

I don't know if you've got it.

100% true.

This is the exact year.

That doesn't sound true.

I fucking nailed it.

It's like when you get the darts at the bar and then you go to the opposite side of the bar and you throw the darts from the other side of the bar at the dartboard.

And first, everyone's mad at you, but then you get a fucking bullseye.

And you're like, all right, we'll allow this to continue.

And then the second time you hit someone in the eye

and you're like, woo, you're peacocking.

And then you just hit the barber, the Mexican bar bag in his cheeks.

Yeah.

Well, you know, he has it coming.

He does.

Trying to work hard.

Trying to become a bartender.

Fuck out.

The easiest job in the world.

Oh, yeah.

No, you got to remember all the ingredients of the dart.

The easiest job in the world, bartender.

Hardest job in the world?

Mother.

Mom.

Yeah.

M-O-M.

You know?

That's my job description.

Mom?

Yeah.

Oh, days off?

I don't have any because I'm busy

watching blues clues with

a sleeping toddler while drinking wine.

The hardest job.

Waking up, taking pills, drinking a tall glass of peanut butter.

You know, it's even harder than being a stay-at-home mom, a stay-in-jail mom.

Oh, yeah, that is true.

You have to keep committing crimes to not be near your kids.

Well, me, I'm going to stay in jail, mom.

I'm mostly just staying in jail.

Look how bad the dog wants to go outside.

No, she likes looking out the window.

And smelling the air outside and wishing she was free

with her little trapped outside dog.

Not nature.

Not fucking.

This summer.

I don't think she's ever been to nature.

What does that mean?

Why don't you just say something normal?

Like outside, like a

park?

No, she's been to a park.

I don't think

a field where I could take her leash off and let her run around.

A park, you got to keep an eye on her.

You're going to have to kill a child in the nature?

No, I'm saying nature.

There's no one there.

It's only animals she can maul.

And she can maul all the animals she wants.

Would you let your dog kill a deer?

A majestic stag?

Yeah.

Of course.

Damn, dude.

That's how much I love my dog.

I do want pigs, though, one day as pets.

How about doing Darth Maul makeup combined with Joker makeup?

Ooh, ultimate mashup.

That'd be too twisted.

Darth Joker.

Darth Joker.

The fucking coolest guy.

Holy fuck, that's got to be out there.

Him just with the

black cloak.

Joker with a double-sided lightsaber.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

Yeah.

Guess who's one side?

One side.

My Halloween costume figured out.

People are like, what are you, Darth Joker?

I'm like, no, I'm John Wick.

No, I'm John Wall.

I haven't seen John Wick.

Dude, don't steal my fucking idea.

I'm going to be John Wick.

I'm getting a black suit.

The Joker's lightsaber, one side, he would press the button.

It would just say bang.

Yeah, okay.

Or like,

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, or some shit like that.

You know, Darth Maul got that idea from the guy who told the girls to go ass to ass in regular first dream.

Yep.

He's like, why don't we do that with lightsabers?

So true.

Yeah.

It's a good idea.

I love going ass to ass.

Yeah, me.

That's no, me and my, no, me and only a woman I love.

That's how I know it's real.

We go ass to ass.

I put one side in my ass, she puts it in her pussy.

That's fucking romance, dude.

After a nice fucking meal, a nice Italian dinner.

From ass to class.

That's where you dress up as slut.

That's my new show I'm pitching.

From ass to class.

Ass to class.

It's like g's to gents for hoes.

Yeah, for sluts.

For sluts.

For ass.

For sluts.

We're going to make these sluts.

Do you remember the host of G's to gents?

It was the umbrella guy, Diddy's.

Ah, yes, Fondsworth Bentley.

Yeah, who had an umbrella company.

Yep.

And what's his name was on that show?

Riffraff.

Riffraff.

That was a good show.

You know what else is good?

You guys ever watch Love and Hip Hop?

That shit fucking rules, dude.

All I know is that that's where Cardi B's from.

She's from Love and Hip Hop, New York, yes.

But Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, good stuff.

Do they have arguments with each other?

They have arguments all the time.

Who was that reality show that was just about Lil Wayne's friends?

What?

There was like a reality.

Carter documentary?

No, there was a reality show that was just like

Lil Wayne wasn't in it.

It was just people he was like involved in his life.

Oh, no.

And it wasn't.

Hmm, I don't know.

It might have been a Love and Hip Hop.

Man, maybe.

I can't remember.

That documentary about him, The Carter,

is unbelievable.

It's one of my favorite documentaries.

What is the Carter?

It's from that movie.

What the fuck is that?

The Carter?

Wesley Snipes?

No.

Wesley Snipes is in it.

Demolition Man.

No, he's

the fucking drug dealer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

New Jack City.

New Jack City.

The Carter is the drug house in New Jack City.

Oh, okay.

So all of his professional shit has been an homage to New Jack City.

And that's a good-ass movie, by the way.

That was like Chris Rock playing a crackhead.

Yeah.

Yes.

And that.

It's where I do a triple feature: Dead Presidents, New Jack City, Fresh.

It's a good if you want to watch it.

Also, the first 10 minutes of Belly.

Yeah.

The opening scene of Belly is so good.

The greatest thing ever.

Oh, Paid in Full.

That's another good one.

Cameron.

Cameron's a good actor, dude.

In that one.

Yeah, I think he's a talented gentleman.

Cameron motherfucking Giles, my good friend.

He's

People Talking Sports and Other Stuff on the MSG Network alum, Cameron Giles.

Have you seen I Got the Hookup?

The Master P movie?

I haven't seen it.

It's about beepers.

No, but that sounds good.

They had a scam to sell the most beepers.

Oh, what about what was it?

Repo Man or some shit?

Repo Man

was not a rap movie.

That was a...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that was a punk rock.

No, no, no, no, no.

There's a hoodie.

SLC Punk Repo Man.

There's another.

Those are companion films.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's another double feature for Super Luxury.

Sounds like a way better movie.

Super Luxurious Repo Man's a way better movie.

Super Luxurious Cock.

Yes.

SLC Repo, Man.

You should tell them.

I want to watch this Chris Chan documentary.

Someone made it?

Yeah.

Oh, more Tom Myers news.

Ooh.

He didn't ask me anything.

Oh,

yes.

It may just be somebody who's done like a perfect impression of Tom.

Was it done well?

It's so well done that it's got to be.

I can't believe our mouth-breathing retard fans would be able to pull off and ask me anything that could some of them are funny some of them are funny basically it's just uh that homosexual liam yeah liam that gay guy liam the face cell bodybuilder from yeah that's extremely ugly

that poor guy he's so

no he's pretty he's not that ugly he can work with what he's got he's well you're only saying that because he's strong

you're only saying that because you're hideous no i first of all i'm not hideous i'm very cute okay that's number one Second of all,

he's not that ugly.

You just have weird body dysmorphia that extends to other jacked guys sometimes.

No, I mean, he is objective.

He looks like an ugly version of handsome Jim Norton.

He doesn't look like Jim Norton.

No, he looks like an ugly version of handsome Jim Norton.

What is handsome Jim Norton?

It's a job.

It's really funny.

Yeah, some guy does Twitter accounts.

It's a Twitter account.

I've seen the account before.

Yeah, it's a.

Well, then you know what it is.

But, like, I don't know what the gimmick is.

It's

a bit from his show, or

some guy just does it.

He's some guy who just does it.

Or some guy just looks like a handsome person.

No, no, no.

It's like very good Photoshops where it's like he basically does whatever they do to

models, but he does it to Jim Norton.

But to the next level.

Like, he looks like just a sexy ass guy.

He looks hot.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, that's

so fun.

Yeah, that's a pretty good looking guy.

That's a good-looking guy.

He looks like Jerry Ferreira from Entourage.

Jerry Ferrara's a cute man.

I don't know.

Shout out to Turtle.

You've seen him recently?

He's a lot of people talking sports.

Well, he's also people talking sports alum.

Yeah, you can't fix 5'5.

He's on power.

He's a little.

He plays a lawyer on power?

He's a little bit.

He's not 5'2.

He's 5' I would say 5' He's 5'5 ⁇ .

5'6, maybe.

Yeah.

Anyway, he's small.

Liam, I don't think you're that ugly.

I think he's very funny, too.

I don't know.

But both of you guys blocked him, though.

I didn't block him.

No, I follow him.

Oh, do you?

Yeah.

Big Dick Liam or whatever?

I thought you blocked him.

Dasha told him she'd shoot him.

But I'm still a fan.

I didn't block his ass.

Yeah.

I think I stopped responding because he asked me what your dick looked like.

Oh, yeah.

He likes to talk about that.

And I'm not trying to think about your penis on my off days.

You know, when we're working, I think about your cocks all the time.

Yeah.

I have a picture.

Take on the mind.

Right now, people don't know this, but we're in the control room.

We all have desktops out.

We're all constantly looking up things to.

We we have like a war room.

Yes, exactly.

And I have two monitors, two 32-inch computer monitors, HD, and I have scans of your cocks, bio scans, you know, and like when it uh

where it's like that picture with the guy who's got his hands

what is it?

What are you talking about?

You know, it looks like he's doing jumping jacks or whatever.

Oh, the Vitrivian man.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And you know, in movies where they have like the 3D rendering and it like goes around and shit, and it's like the

grids and shit.

That's what I have of your dicks.

Oh, cool.

So there's two 32-inch monitors of our dicks, and then there's an iPod Nano.

No!

It's been brailled.

No, it is not.

It's even so small that it makes you go blind trying to see.

It's a scoreboard on MSG person.

The scoreboard on MSG.

It's black people, Jack?

No, blind people.

The scoreboard on MSG is what my dick's on.

You know what?

The Dallas scoreboard, the biggest fucking...

No, we've already decided it's Braille.

The one in Korea.

They have even bigger ones in Korea where they play fucking League of Legends and shit.

That's the one where my dick is.

So now we can move on.

Okay.

Wait, what do we do?

Now we can move on to the blind people ring.

Hold on.

We moved on.

It's already.

No, now we're moving on.

Because you're upset about

your Braille-sized dick.

Now we're moving on.

It's like a one little Braille.

No, we're moving on now.

Do you think we have any blind people?

Blind people have to read stocks.

A single Braille box.

bump.

And we're moving on now.

After I had the final word.

And we're moving on now.

So you think blind people jack off the braille of size?

Tell somebody their dick's the size half a braille bump is pretty funny.

That's a good one.

I'm going to remember that for later and say it to people.

Yeah, because it's a generic insult that doesn't apply to me because my dick is bigger than that.

And we're moving on now.

And I'll say, I'll say,

they asshole.

Your dick's like Stav's dick.

And they're like, come on, man, not the half a braille pump dick, guy.

No, that's not what the small.

My dick's not that small.

Not the world-famous half-a-braille dump.

And then we'll say the dick from

the big ass screen and career.

Baby, baby, braille braille pump.

Don't say the time

of half a baby braille pump dick.

No.

Please tell me I ain't got no stop-rose, half a braille, baby dick.

No, they'll say the other.

I swear to God, if my son is bored, he's got one of them stop-rose hell goes.

No, no, no, no, absolutely.

Tell you the son my love is totally just brailling out girls.

Just brailling the shit out of them.

Okay, well, I know that deaf people have a wild community and they like have

drunk.

They humming each other's balls and shit.

Yeah, they hum on each other.

They're like, fuck.

I told you that guy I knew in college, who was like a dip shit idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, ended up at a deaf kid at the deaf college

party.

And he fucked.

And he fucked.

He's like, dude, I'm blackout.

You know that's how it's pronounced?

Gallaudet.

No, it's...

This whole time, I thought it was Gallaudet.

Apparently, it's Gallia.

But the blinds.

Yes.

What do you jack off to the noises of

sex?

The noises of sex, yeah.

You probably like getting

little moans in your ear and shit.

Maybe they have those fleshlight things that are attached to bodies, like titties and shit.

Maybe that's for the blind so they can feel titties.

Do you remember that movie?

Sure, I mean, everybody was able to jack off without pornography prior to the, you know, the

abundance of pornography available.

So, I mean, obviously, blind people could just use their imagination.

What do they think titties look like?

What?

In their heads, what does a blind guy think?

They don't think things look like things.

Well, it depends if you've been blind forever.

Yeah, imagine you had a wet blind.

How would you imagine that, you know, I mean, like a different sense that you don't even have?

There's no way to even comprehend it.

That's so fucking true.

That's a fucking mind-blower, dude.

Yeah.

You know what it probably is?

This is what it probably is.

Do you remember in Ben Affleck's Daredevil?

The Ben Affleck one.

This is the good one.

Where he

to see the girl before he kisses her?

I don't know.

Was it Jennifer Gardner?

I don't know.

It's Jennifer Garner.

That's where they met.

Do you think and so then they kissed.

It was raining.

They were on a rooftop.

It was raining.

And because his hearing was so good, he could echo locate what her body looked like from the rain.

Yeah, but that's the daredevil, though.

So, you think all black?

There's a little fucking

blind black kid that has sonar.

Have you seen that video?

What?

Yeah, he's oh, yeah, he makes all the noises and shit.

Yeah, you gotta kid rocks.

Is he like that guy from Police Academy?

Well, he was like, Yeah, it's Michael Winslow.

Michael Winslow.

He's incredible.

Michael Winslow is doing an hour on shitting this week at Carnegie Hall.

Wow, we saw this black man with autism the other night at Carnegie Hall.

He just makes noises with his mouth.

I guess that's comedy.

It's so funny that nobody knew what to classify Michael Winslow as, so they're like, yeah, he's a comedian.

He's comedy.

We're in the catch.

He could very easily be a musician, a juggler.

I mean, he's

of anything.

a magician, maybe.

I don't know.

That's what happens.

They're like, no, that's stand-up comedy.

Like, wrestlers just tell stories about getting their nuts stomped on by a fucking barbed wire bat.

And they're like, yep.

That's comedy.

Comedy club.

We're porn stars, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Dustin Diamond was fucking.

Ben Shapiro going around complaining about trans people.

One night only at Joker's Wild.

Ben Shapiro.

That guy is short as fuck, dude.

He's small.

I met him.

He's not that short.

You know,

he's actually taller than me.

The rose is the same exact height.

Then he's taller than you.

Me and you are the taller.

How tall are you?

I'm an inch taller than you.

You think he's like 5'8?

I'm 5'8 ⁇ , you're 5'7 ⁇ .

Stand up right now, bench.

I'm absolutely taller than you.

No, you're not the same exact height.

We're not the same exact height.

Yeah, Nick's like a little bit taller.

No, we're the exact same height.

He's wearing shoes.

You're also wearing shoes.

I'm wearing flip-flops.

Those are shoes.

We're the exact same.

That's hair height.

That's exactly.

That's hair.

I'm an inch shoe.

That's 100% hair height.

While you snooze, you lose, Stav.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, fuck.

All right, Stav

accidentally unplugged the recorder while finding out.

They were the same height, so he unplugged the recorder.

Adam, can you please just settle this?

I'd say Nick is slightly taller.

Thank you.

With the exact same height, but it's hair height.

And Stav is slightly fatter.

Anyways,

where were we at?

22 minutes?

Yeah.

Sorry for that.

No, I got to set a different timer.

No, you don't.

You hate to doing this shit.

Suck on my dick.

My little squeaky dick.

Please suck on my dick.

Squeak, squeak, squeaky.

What would you dig has to be?

Oh, it would be like to be squeaky.

Hold on.

So

Tom Myers didn't ask me anything.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yeah,

I don't know if it's real or not, but it's very well done.

That's what were some of the questions.

What were some of the answers?

Well, squeaky fucking one that made me laugh is someone who was like, Tom, what state are you from again?

But no,

he's just misusing words the whole time.

You know, it's like a.

Did he post about it on his Twitter?

Because if not, it's probably fake.

Please suck my dick.

Ask me.

My furry, smelly dick.

Anything.

I don't really check Tom's Twitter.

Yeah, I don't either.

He's blocked us.

I'm blocked.

Yeah.

Please suck my dick.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's one of the great things.

Someone sent me a screenshot of,

what's her name?

That redhead, Kathy Griffin, was like, if you don't follow me on Instagram, you might as well start.

And then it's a link to her Instagram.

And then Tom replied with a link to his Instagram.

He says, your turn.

Awesome, dude.

God, remember when Judd Appetower retweeted Tom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was funny.

I don't even know how he saw that.

Did you see this?

Look how good portrait mode looks on there.

Yeah, dude.

I like cute.

Yeah.

Oh, I feel my face looks naked without you.

It's a jeve goie du.

Yeah, exactly.

Depth of field.

It's a French technique.

Trompelée.

I made a Mornay sauce in the Vitamix last night.

What's Mornay?

What's Mornay?

It's like a butter.

Bechamel.

I made a Hornay sauce.

With cheese.

It's my cock.

Yeah, well, you don't have to make a roux or anything.

The fucking Vitamix does everything.

You just put butter, flour, milk, and then blend it.

You just blend it for 10 minutes until it gets hot, and then you throw some Gruyere in there.

Mmm, Gruyere.

Look at this little fancy bitch.

I made a steak.

It's a classic sauce.

It's a classic sauce.

I'm not very into French cooking.

I'm more of a Mediterranean Asian.

Well, I'm not either.

I'm more into blending.

No,

a little bit of garlic powder.

It's great.

Made mac and cheese.

It was a little thick.

I should have put some more milk in at the end.

Yes.

I used a Sous V'd for the first time recently.

I just bought one.

You just got one?

I heard that you actually sued the Soued down at the bus stop.

Yep.

At the mega bus stop.

Families waiting to go to Boston.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

I just bought one.

Did you make a steak with it yet?

It's coming in on the bottom.

What do you do?

You vacuum seal the meat and then you can.

You can use

a plastic bag, too.

Like, you can just use a two-gallon Ziploc.

Yeah.

But, yeah, then it cooks for like, you know, an hour and a half at like the perfect temperature.

This is, by the way, now, this is a food podcast.

Whatever.

We're all professional chefs.

That's right.

So then it's like, it doesn't matter if it's been going for an hour and a half or three hours.

It's still at the same exact temperature.

And then you just slap it on,

you slap it on the cast iron for like

15 seconds.

I cannot wait to meal prep with that motherfucker.

Make some chicken

in there.

Yeah.

In the marinade, you cook it in the fucking marinade.

Because you eat like 17 meals a day.

So you only prep for the day?

Isn't that just cooking?

No, I don't.

I prep.

Is that really meal prep?

I prep for the week, my bitch.

I made like

10 servings of chicken souvlaki throughout the week.

You know, I had it for.

A healthy choice?

It is a healthy choice.

It's fucking, it's chicken breast, marinated, and lemon.

Yeah.

Lemon, garlic, and a little salt, pepper, oil.

Yes,

oregano.

Some good shit.

That's nice.

I'm MyFitnessPaling everything, so I know exactly what I'm doing.

Speaking of...

No, that shit's you got to be careful with that because it's like very easy to find things that aren't accurate.

They're like verified salmon in MyFitnessPal or whatever is like wildly inaccurate.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, fuck, I like stalled for weeks, you know, like when I was back when I was starting to cut weight.

You were eating a lot of salmon.

I was eating, yeah, I was having a fucking salmon filet like every other day, and it's because in MyFitnessPal, it like like registers as having like no fat in it.

Yeah, which is just like, I didn't, I don't know, I guess I didn't.

No, I just trusted it, and I didn't look at it, and then it was like, oh, there's 10 grams of fat in a pound of salmon, right?

It's like, there's no way that's fucking accurate.

Yeah, no, I'm very, I, I, I think there is more or less fat, way more, there's way more, it's very

good.

It's got a lot of protein, but it's got a lot of fat as well.

Yeah, salmon's filled with fat.

That's what makes it so good.

Yeah, that's why it's still like that.

I thought it was good for you.

It is good for you.

I guess it is good for you.

That's why tuna is not as good as salmon because it's not as fatty.

Yeah.

yeah so it's drier tuna is well i guess there's fatty tuna yeah there's there's like a type there's is it tiny masi or whatever yeah

yeah it's some japanese anyways now toro toro now it's break time and uh we're gonna take a second to talk about underwear folks uh whatever you're wearing right now throw it away and go to macweldon.com and get yourself a pair of mac weldon underwear they believe in simple shopping premium fabrics and smart design i got a pair myself i went to macweldon.com very easy shopping experience.

I want a pair.

Well, you're too short.

Sorry.

They don't make underwear for people that are 5'7.5.

You have to be 5'8 ⁇ .

Yeah, sorry.

That's fucked up.

Unless you're 5'8.25 inch, you're I feel like they're really shutting themselves off to

a 3.5%, maybe 2.5% of the market of men that are under 5'7.5%.

Yeah, yeah.

And by the way, you missed a real opportunity to make Nick feel bad about how short he was with

this whole riff.

So I just want to say,

now you're upset about being short.

I'm not sure.

I don't give a fuck.

We have covered this.

I don't care about my body.

My body is merely a fucking vessel that has trapped me, and I've overcome it.

Yeah.

And that is not a big thing.

It's a vessel like a ship.

Do you refer to it as she?

Yeah, I do.

She can't take it anymore.

My dick, she has a lot of shit.

Her teeth are falling out of her head.

Her Majesty's shit.

She's

HMS Stavros.

Yeah, we were saying when we found out he was class 3 obese.

Anyways, back to what I was saying.

The underwear is for people of all shapes and sizes, except Stav's body, which is actually not true.

They make it, no matter how fat you are,

how much of a bald, fattest.

Who is

a million times shorter than me and Adam, who are actually me and Adam, who are actually the same.

Are you going to let that?

That's not true.

We are not the same piece.

See what you've begun?

You've established already.

See what you're tallest.

I'm the tallest, oldest.

Stav's right.

You have bagatted this.

You fucking.

I think bagat works, by the way.

Yeah, I didn't mean to be.

Anyways, all three of us, varying so much in body styles and shapes, all can go to MacWaldon.

All feel wonderful.

All go to MacWeldon.com and find comfortable ass clothes for our obscure, deformed bodies.

You know, and not only do they have great underwear, they got

t-shirts, they got hoodies, crew necks, crew necks and shit, and they got a line of t-shirts and underwear that are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they eat odor.

You'll suck it out of your body.

Your deformed, disgusting body.

So go to MacWeldon.com and tell you what, they just want you to be comfortable.

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Adam and Stop, you used to be a good idea.

Oh, yeah, baby.

He made some money.

What do we say?

But it's got a good pick.

You guys are good picks.

Those are just want to stress that not only is the app easy to use, but

I guess it's easy to use.

That's the other thing about the game.

It's double easy.

And

using it is easy.

So, yeah, what are your picks?

Well, we said take the Pelleys at the Smoothie King Center.

Game three.

What did I say?

Take them no matter what the spread was.

They fucked that ass.

Now, they will lose.

They lost the next game of the season.

They are going to get, it's going to be a gentleman sweep, but the next round, guys,

damn it.

I hate saying it.

Take the fucking Warriors, dude.

Just bet.

Oh, and the Warriors.

Warriors Rockets.

Yes, you go, Warriors.

But we're going to have another game before that starts.

Another episode before that starts.

And I would say, you know what?

I'm going to say it.

Take Philly in game five.

Te Philly in game six.

Take him.

Yeah, for sure.

Or game five.

Yeah.

Take Philly in game five, and then take the Warriors in the next round.

I'm behind both of those picks, co-signing those.

Yeah, they also offer live in-game Rage Ring, and you can make plays throughout the entire game.

And they also offer bets on pretty much anything.

So you want to do like a death pool?

Yeah.

You can do that.

Some of you could do on Bet DSI.

You want to bet on...

Which one of the Royal Family?

You want to bet on.

Make a set of bets.

See how much child pornography you can download before the FBI

busts down your door.

I don't know.

I don't think they do that one anymore.

They might not do that one.

But that's hence pretty much everything.

Yeah.

So you can get pretty close to everything, folks,

without my favorite type of bet to do.

The bets of the child pornographers gambling.

The most dangerous game.

It is a pretty dangerous thing.

I guess that's weird that they call the most dangerous game.

That's the title of that movie and it's about hunting humans instead of downloading child pornography

in a public library.

Gritty reboot of the most dangerous game is just you

in a track suit.

No, I don't have a library card.

Why don't you mind your own business?

I'm here doing my downloads.

Why don't you go fuck off in a children's section?

I want to city and do my downloads.

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You cook sucker.

You fucking filthy cooksucker.

And we're back.

And we're back, bitch.

We are.

The big dick boys are back, except for Nick and Adam.

Just Stav has a big, big, big, big dick.

Whoa, was that a computer voice that was saying that?

That was a computer.

I didn't even see it.

You did.

Hell,

that was the fucked up.

That was a lie detector.

Hi, it's me, IBM Watson.

I have all the information in the entire world.

Watson sounds fucking gay.

And I can confirm that Stav's dick is the size of half of a Braille bunny.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it is exactly

0.02%

Pica.

It's not, you know what?

I will level with you.

It's not that big, but it's also not that small.

Damn, the computer.

Hey, I will accept that.

Watson has decided to accept that.

Hey, I'm Siri.

I have access to a ton of photographs of Saf's Penis from the cloud.

And guess what, guys?

The files are too small, actually.

Fuck you, Siri.

Fuck you, Siri.

I'm just a transporter.

All I do is transport child pornography

from the internet to this USB drive.

I transport it.

Hell yeah, dude.

Transporter 5, the child pornography.

If you want to see some of the most disgusting pictures,

some of the sexy

here's my card.

Salute to state.

Oh, guys, you know, we got to talk about the fucking Met Gala, guys.

Can you believe we weren't invited?

Come Town will be invited next year.

Yeah.

The Met Gala?

Yeah.

And to Art Basil, Miami.

Hell yeah.

We're going to be getting more into the art world.

you know how some people call it gala yeah yeah gala gala or gala somebody said gala to like make fun of the gala and then it's stuck yeah although people that go to galas are pretty gala yeah they might they might have liked it hmm that's smart you know yeah

that's an interesting that's an interesting has anyone done i mean it's probably like you know how like norm did that roast and then he like did like lame jokes and then no one like everyone who tries to do it after that it's like oh no norm already did it yeah but like has anyone like ever uh uh gone to the met gala just in like like a t-shirt basketball shorts yeah like basketball shorts no that would be funny though yeah i'm sure some like one person's done it right i don't think so i think people are like really excited to be there

so like let's do that let's look we could be the norm of the met gala so true you know what i mean yeah that's smart yeah that's also smart man that's a smart ass idea

rihanna was looking like the pope Man, it's so nice out.

It makes me want to go.

It's fucking nice out.

It's fucking fucking nice out.

We should go have a little day out in the park.

I want to have a BBQ.

Yeah, I want to have a barbecue.

I want to go to a state fair.

Hell yeah.

Ooh, that'd be nice to go get to a funnel cake.

Do a car smash.

Oh, yeah.

You pay like five bucks to get a car.

You pay five bucks, you just fucking wail on a car.

Yeah, we could just do that now.

We could, dude.

We just go around bedstead.

What the fuck are you doing?

We're like, it's summertime.

We're having a car smash.

No, it's to help retarded.

We're raising money for the retarded.

It's the volunteer fire department.

It's all retarded firemen.

Retarded Firemen's Association.

Woo!

The truck doesn't even have a siren.

It just makes a noisy mouth.

They just keep sliding up and down the pole.

They have a slide instead of a pole.

Slide into a ball pit.

By the way, guys, I just want to do a public endorsement of the new Adam Sandler Chris Rock movie on Netflix.

Oh, the one where it's a black guy.

A black guy's daughter marrying a Jewish guy's.

Yeah, it's really good.

It's really good.

Okay.

I'll check it out.

Is it actually good?

Yeah, it's really funny.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're funny.

It's a return to four.

Well, Robert Smeigel directed it.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

Damn.

I want to do a Netflix deal.

Yeah, Adam Sandler made like $300 million or something.

Yeah, fuck.

It's good for him.

Oh, you know what?

I don't have a Netflix deal, but I have a a Twitch now, baby.

Oh, you got one?

I just did one, dude.

So, what are you going to do?

Stoppy baby.

Twitch.tv, stopvy baby, S-T-A-V-V-Y, baby.

I played Fortnite for the first time and I suck dick at it, but I also do some cooking vids.

So,

holiday, your boy.

Follow me.

How do you make money?

Like, how do you monetize?

I don't know.

I just did it for fun.

Yeah.

I'll figure it out, I guess.

But,

see, dude, why is it always got to be about money?

Well, like, you hear about those guys.

It's got to be about millions of dollars.

It's got to be about having fun with your friends on Twitch, man.

Yeah.

You know?

Is that guy Poodie Pie?

Pootie Pie?

He's still on?

Puddy Pie?

I don't know.

Whatever.

I know one of them is, like, cool with Drake and stuff.

Ninja.

Oh, was that his name?

Ninja?

Yeah.

I thought it was like Monkey or some shit.

That's cool.

You get like cool rap friends out of your video game thing.

So, anyway.

Anyway.

What were you up to?

A little text message?

Yeah, yeah.

The girl lives upstairs.

She did one of her past.

Ask me what I was up to.

She's got lost.

Ask her what she's wearing.

Yeah, tell her I said, What's up?

Ask her what she's wearing.

She said she's wearing a picture of you getting, yeah, being raped by a man.

A picture?

That's what she said.

I don't know.

Don't ask me any more questions.

I'm done repeating things that the woman said.

Is it on a dress?

I don't have to put up with this.

Did she ask me?

I'm not on trial here.

I would love to be on trial for rape or murder.

They're like, look, I'm not on trial here.

Yes, you are.

Literally, you couldn't be more on trial than you are right now.

I still love the idea of the prosecutor being like, ladies and gentlemen, have you ever considered that it takes one to know one?

And the jury's like, no, I'm not a country lawyer.

That's so funny.

I'm a simple country lawyer.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm a simple faggot.

I'm a simple country lawyer.

I'm a simple ass faggot.

Downhome Alabama homosexual.

What you would call a gay man.

I love going to the watering hole, looking at boys,

watching the high school football team practice.

I would like to swim in a...

In a watering hole?

In a watering hole.

In the south or in like Africa or

elephants.

I think upstate New York, you can find some nice, like,

some swimming holes.

I don't want to swim in a swimming hole.

I want the ocean, baby.

The Atlantic.

The Atlantic's dirty.

Every pussy's a swimming hole when your dick's half the size of a braille box.

Yeah, that is true for some guys,

but not us.

Yeah.

I rented a little cabin in the Poconos a couple months ago.

Do you have a hot tub?

There was a hot tub, and it sucked.

What?

What do you mean it sucked?

Well, I was expecting it to be good, but you get in there and you just feel sick.

It's just like cooking your insides.

Maybe it's too hot.

See, you know, I'm not about pleasure.

You're not.

You really are.

I felt better walking barefoot through the snow without my shirt on.

That felt good to me.

You should get into like the Russian baths because it's like really unpleasant and like hurts, but then afterwards, you feel good.

I would like to knife fight a man while completely nude.

Yeah, like in Eastern Promises.

Yeah, for sure.

Vegan Mortensen.

We should get some of those tattoos.

Yeah, the only Eastern Promise I've ever heard is, yeah, no MSG, we swear.

Good luck keeping that one, fellas.

And that's my daily dig on the Chinese.

Yeah, thank God.

Take that, you fucking.

We let them off the hook.

You fucking Orientals.

Yeah.

There was a flavor of ramen that was just called Oriental.

Yeah.

Seems pretty racist.

It does seem racist.

Oriental just means Eastern.

That's what the word means.

But what flavor was that shit?

They already had shrimp.

They already had beef.

They already had chicken.

You tell them.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I want to know what flavor my fucking ramen pack is.

I'm on your side here.

Thank you, Nick.

I'm backing you up.

Thank you.

Your fight with the Marochan Company.

Fuck the Marochan Company.

Spicy, that was a flavor.

Anything could be spicy.

Spicy's not a fucking flavor.

All right.

Well, I mean, now you've lost me.

No.

You could have spicy chicken.

You have spicy beef, spicy pork, spicy shrimp.

With just spicy?

Spicy ramen.

No, man.

Yes.

What flavor is the broth?

Is it just spicy?

Ramen.

It's just ramen.

Yeah, it's just spicy.

No, fuck that.

Come on.

That's why I'm out on the Marusian company right now.

Now you're being difficult.

I am being difficult.

I have to be a little bit different.

If you get that shit from Costco, it is so cheap.

I don't know.

I'm not eating that.

I'm eating clean.

It's really bad for you.

Those little packets are just filled with sodium packets.

Garbage.

Yeah.

Baby, I'm eating motherfucking clean chicken souflaki, fucking

sweet potatoes, asparagus.

Baby, it's cold inside my ass.

Please eat them him at all.

I really don't think I should be eating your ass.

Baby, please eat my ass.

Put your thumbs in my ass.

An updated version where they're having consensual sex.

Yeah.

And he's trying to talk her into ass plate.

Just piss on my face.

I really should go home, please.

I should have left earlier.

So, you fellas see Infinity War without me, huh?

I didn't see it.

You saw it?

Y'all saw it.

I just saw Black Panther for the first time.

We just talked about it.

I'm trying to see Infinity Black.

What is that?

Just a black screen?

Yeah, sure.

It's just no movie.

Yeah, the blackest movie.

It's just a movie.

It's not playing.

TV's off.

Yes, girl.

This is representation.

This is the most go-off.

This is an answer to Kanye's hijinks.

The black movie.

You really must fuck me in the ass.

Yeah.

If anybody's now, she's saying that she's renting out.

She's looking for a roommate for next month.

Nice.

So

if anyone wants to live, if anybody wants to live above the

company,

if you want to have constant access to the noises coming out of Nick's apartment, which are like saw noises and then the word

the F-word and then a slur, Yeah, and then some more drilling and hammering.

It sounds powerful.

A Chinese person saying the N-word.

That's a good matchup there.

That's where Nick works on his real avant-garde,

too hot for TV material.

That's where I work out all these bits that are definitely completely false.

We're all reading from a script.

Yep.

If you want to hear nine hours of a man practicing, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a simple country faggot.

Oh, man.

By the way, I saw Ian do, speaking of simple country, you know what's, I saw Ian, uh, Ian do the bit on stage.

What, what, what?

He said he's a gay vampire, and then he said the punchline was, Ivan to suck your penis.

What makes him a gay vampire?

Why did he say that?

I mean, it was part of a gay gay werewolf.

He's talking about being bi, and sometimes you feel like a gay werewolf, whatever.

That was fine.

But I want to suck your people.

I love when Ian gets political

on stage.

Yeah, yeah.

This whole thing.

We're all just people, man.

He's like, you're

so stupid.

Like, we're all stupid.

None of us should be talking about politics, but you are especially dumb.

He screenshotted a tweet of his and put it on Instagram the other day, and it made no sense.

None, zero, zero.

And people were commenting.

I think Andy Hayes or some people were commenting, like, what the fuck does this even mean?

Like, why did you feel it necessary to feel bad?

He's probably to cross-post this.

Yeah.

Well, at least, is he on the wagon?

I think he fell off, actually.

You know what?

I mean, not on drugs, but I think on man's peace.

Drinking.

No.

Oh, well, back on the gay wagon.

Back on the gay wagon.

Let's look him up here.

Ian.

Ianimal.

Yeah, there was a...

There's another really funny one I say.

Yeah, you're talking about the one about Michelle Wolf?

Maybe it was.

I'm really.

I'm looking for the.

Yeah, Andy wrote, I can't believe you tried to call me out for a bad tweet and then screenshot this.

Damn.

The end's tweet is, LOL Republicans colon.

These jokes are out of control.

Attacking a mother and a woman, it's only okay to attack a woman with pen and legislation.

What?

What are you talking about?

Politipod.

With pen and legislation.

Yeah.

There was one where he responded to that guy, Ike Baradold, the guy from You Spout It Down.

Oh, I saw that.

He was making a joke.

And he's like, oh, great.

He didn't understand.

It was a joke.

I think I unfollowed this, so I'm on the inside now.

Oh, really?

Why did he unfollow you?

I don't know.

Same reason any other fucking celebrity follows me for a week or so or used to and then would not follow me.

Shout out to Anthony Bourdain for being the only guy that's like never unfollowed.

Never unfollowed.

Yeah, been there from the fucking gecko.

He's inside, dude.

Anthony Bourdain followed me when I had like 250 followers.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

That's big.

The first celebrity followers I had when I had like 200 followers

Chrissy Teigen, Anthony Bourdain, and then Rob Deerdeck.

Oh,

dude.

Bobby D.

What about Big, dude?

He didn't follow?

No.

Is he from DC or his skate company is just called that?

I don't think he's from DC.

Shuts out Padma Lakshmi, my celebrity follower.

Really?

She likes some of my stuff, you know?

Shuts up Padma.

From a top chef?

Top chef.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

She fucks.

What's his name?

She says,

here's the people that are uncomfortable.

She fucks Salman Rushdie.

Please don't

think about her in the middle of the day.

No, you're thinking

of.

she was married to him, but please don't say that.

She was married to him.

Please don't say that about my good friend Padma, okay?

I won't, dude.

Don't disrespect her.

I don't understand why people would fuck Salman Rushdie.

He fucks, dude.

He's hideous.

You know, I mean, some people just have

to think about them.

And he's a coward.

He's a coward because he wouldn't return to face his crimes in a red.

Absolutely.

You would go toe-to-toe with the Iranian government, huh?

Oh, yeah.

No, first of all, if you want to talk shit on the fucking prophet, you better stand by it.

You better step to this.

I have never cowered from any of the

numerous fatwas against me.

If you don't think there's fat twis against me, you don't know who you're talking to.

That's so true.

You don't know who you're talking to.

Why?

The Muslims are mad at me.

Al Pacino.

I did a little drawing.

Al Pacino and five million.

Why

do the Muslims dislike the drawing?

Yeah, Al Pacino's a naive boardwalk caricature guy

who did Muhammad surfing.

The scent of a turban.

It smells terrible.

Wow.

The scent of a turban?

Yeah, yeah.

The scent of these calves.

Yeah, yeah.

Right?

Do you ever wash this thing?

It smells like old cum.

That brown cum.

You ever leave an old cummed up sock outside

on the tool shed where you fuck your socks?

That's what this turbine smells like.

Hell yeah.

Hell.

Hell, yes.

I really

get fucked in the ass.

And baby, I'm gay.

I'm gay inside.

Baby, it's gay outside.

Yeah, that's a fun one.

That's smart, too.

Oh.

You got to go smart.

Absolutely, brother.

You got to do smart bits.

That's how Hari Kondabolu is going to stop Donald Trump, you know, with this new special of his, that I guarantee you is so funny.

Really good.

You know why?

Because I know he has the right opinions.

And that's what makes good comedy.

Good points.

You know who's not funny?

Nick DiPaulo, definitely not one of the things.

You know what's not funny at all?

The television show, The Simpsons.

That's something that's definitely not funny.

That's not funny.

Not in any way.

Well,

Hari is a thousand times funnier than The Simpsons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the point of the documentary.

That would be so good if that was the point.

It was like, by the way, I'm funnier.

You guys can admit.

I decided to

show The Simpsons

to point out how uneasy Stick a Pooh is.

That'd be great if that documentary was made by a guy that's just a poo.

That would be

entirely.

Of course, yes, I work at 7-Eleven, but

not all Indian people work.

For example, my uncle, he owns a Dipin' Dots.

We are not all 7-Eleven employees, and we don't talk like this.

Some of us are deaf.

Shouts out to Dunkin' Donuts also.

Whatever happened to Dippin' Dots, by the way?

Is it still kicking?

Those dots are still dipping that ice cream.

It's the future, dude.

It was the ice cream of the future when we were children.

Does that mean we're living in

that is such a bad joke yeah put it in put that in the act

thank you yeah yeah it was the future oh i'm sorry i'm sorry let's go back to baby please my ass i mean yeah it's just a fucking i'm i'm i'm tummy

you're doing a you're doing a dick sucking vampire thing that's off yeah i didn't do it on stage

this is the stage this is not the stage this is this is an abomination

interview with mike diesel where somebody's interviewing him

like Harrisburg One Nighter with Leonardo.

And he's like, You really fall in love with the process.

You know, I mean, it's all about it.

I used to be more animated on stage.

I would do a lot of voices.

And

then you fall in love with the writing.

It's all about the page of the stage.

And he says that.

He goes, The page of the stage.

The page to the stage.

What an artist.

What a craftsman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What was I going to say for you?

What were we laughing about yesterday?

I don't know.

You're not laughing about something?

How little your nuts are?

Oh, yeah, retard neighborhoods.

Yeah, we're talking about retard.

Oh, go ahead, boys.

Yeah, we're like, hey, before all these fucking hipsters showed off, this was a retard.

This was just a working-class retard neighborhood.

Until these fucking faggot hipsters had to come around

for handlebar mustaches.

Baby, please suck me off.

Were you watching fucking Instagram stories, Nick?

Yeah, I'm bored.

We're supposed to be doing the show.

I'm bored with what's going on.

So, here's the thing, man.

Dipping dots.

Okay?

Let's go.

Okay.

It's not dipping dots, it's dipping dots.

Oh, now's the fucking expert, huh?

Okay, now he's the fucking expert.

I've been an expert the whole time.

First of all, I brought up dipping dots, I made the reference to dipping dots.

I know everything there is to know about dipping dots.

What are the flavors, bitch?

Future vanilla, future chocolate.

Damn, you got me there.

Fon Farley.

It'd be great if you go back to 1993 and Dippin Dots had an ice cream flavor called Donald Trump as the President.

Like, that's a weird name for an ice cream flavor.

Yeah, they really are, though.

It's like the Simpsons.

It's because they're from the future.

Yeah.

There's another flavor called All Muslims Are Dead.

What is that?

Interesting flavor, Dippin Dots.

Yeah.

The Jews are finally in prison.

Interesting.

It's an interesting taste.

What would that even taste like?

I don't know, banana cream?

That's true.

Bill Cosby raped 68 women.

Certainly wouldn't taste like pennies.

Yeah, it wouldn't taste like salmon.

Yeah.

You know?

Wouldn't taste like fucking locks and bagels.

Yeah.

Which I've been craving a damn bagel.

It's so good.

I know.

Bagels.

I haven't had a bagel in a while.

If you move to New York and you eat nothing but bagels and pizza for the first like six months.

And then you get over it.

Yeah, you get over it.

And bodega sandwiches.

I haven't had one in forever.

I still go bodega.

I still get a little pastrami egg and cheese almost every time.

It's so nice, just for six bucks.

The way I change up sandwiches.

I go to different bodegas.

Oh, interesting.

A little sample.

You stick with the pastrami egg and cheese.

I like that move.

Because they all got different styles.

Do you do scrambled eggs or do you do over-cooked eggs?

Scrambled.

I like them hard.

You know, it's a real power move?

Real flex power move?

Pulling out a gun and making a guy suck a dick.

The bacon, egg, and cheese.

Podega bacon, egg, and cheese.

I think you're wrong, Adam.

I think pulling out a gun and making a guy suck your dick is the real power move.

Can I get a pastrami egg and cheese?

Okay, morning.

Yeah, no, get down on you.

What?

What's going on?

And no one in the store knows how to react.

The man's just sucking your dick in completion and before the police can show up.

nobody helps him.

His girlfriend's there, and she's like, I don't know if we could be together anymore.

Yo,

the only episode of The Shield I watched, I just was like flipping through channels.

And then you saw Michael Chicklis, and you're like, that's me.

There's somebody that looks like me.

This must be the me channel.

No, the me channel is

Bread Williams.

You're Michael Dicklis.

That's your name.

Oh, fuck.

All right, that's pretty good.

That one is pretty good.

I have to give you that.

I begrudgingly have to give you that burn.

But there was just a scene where, like, the Latino, was it Jimmy Schmitz?

Is that the guy who said that?

Jimmy Smiths was in it?

Jimmy Smiths, who has the world's most asymmetrical face.

Doesn't miss it.

Take a picture of Jimmy Smith, bring it into Photoshop, and mirror one side to the other, and you'll see how fucked up and asymmetrical.

He's got one eye that's like two and a half inches above the other one.

How did he become a famous movie star?

I don't know.

I guess he's more of a teeny guy.

Oh, yeah, he's not really a famous movie star.

Did he have a run?

I feel like he had a run.

He wasn't a character actor.

He just played cops in various forms.

That's exactly what a character actor.

A character actor can do different characters, right?

No, you can be a character actor that's does one type of character that's like pigeonholed or whatever.

Yeah,

look at his stupid eye.

Oh, wow.

That's not.

Yeah, he really looks like he got punched in the face.

You're right.

But

he looks interesting, though.

Wait, what was happening on this show?

He busts some fucking drug guy.

He gets to the scene of a crime like 15 minutes before anybody else can get there.

And the two guys just make it, or he tells backup to leave.

Like, it was everyone was like gone.

And then the two guys come back and it's two versus one and they make him suck their dicks.

And I was like, this show is fucked up.

They made Jimmy Smith.

Yeah, it was so weird.

It's like these curves.

And then he doesn't say anything because he's like ashamed.

Wait, hold on.

I have to watch this episode of the show.

I swear to God, dude, it was so weird.

What?

Yeah.

And I was like, what the fuck on a show is this?

And it was like on FX and shit.

And then like, out of curiosity, I followed up with the shit.

And there's like an arc where his wife literally says what you said, Nick, where it was like, I don't know if we could be together.

Like, couldn't you have done something to stop it?

He's getting like victim blamed.

No, I know how you get.

I mean, I'm a television writer.

I understand where that story should go.

It was so fucking weird, man.

Yeah, hold on.

Hold on.

Yeah, I'm reading a review of it, but I wanted to make a minute to write about one of the things I found most striking about the show: the storyline in which a male character is sexually assaulted.

Yeah, dude, it's fucking weird.

Wow.

Yeah, Captain David Aceveda gets jumped by two criminals who manage to disarm him and force him at gunpoint to perform oral sex on one of them.

It's so funny.

While the other snaps pictures on a cell phone, the assault is hugely upsetting, if not explicit.

We can hear Aceveda choking and later back.

Wait, Barnes played the gucks?

Gagging in the bathroom.

His trauma doesn't end with the attack.

One of the most shocking and upsetting things about

Astaveda's experience is how his wife treats him when she finds out what's happening to him, shaming him for letting the men emasculate.

Wow.

Acting as impossible that he would be disarmed and turning away from him rather than comforting him.

Wow.

Later, when he struggles in failure and feels like he isn't making sufficient process,

she tells him, I'm tired of feeling like I was raped too.

Whoa.

It's a nasty line.

What a bitch.

Yeah, it'll be great, too, if on the show he's telling the therapist, and then the therapist pulls out a gun.

It'd be great if that character just is constantly being forced to suck being a dunk boy.

Yeah, I mean, he really took a serious L.

And I think it was like, wow.

And I think he was like, he was like Michael Chiklis' main antagonist or whatever, or the guy's trying to bust him or some shit, or it's on his tail.

So it's like the way Michael Chiklis gets some leeway is because a guy gets fucking raped.

And so he's not as like.

So wait, Michael Chickles is like internal affairs?

No, Michael Chickles is a dirty cop.

Oh, Michael Chickles is a dirty cop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, and he's like internal affairs.

I don't know if he's internal affairs, but I think he likes he's starting to figure out something's funny.

He's a Serpico.

Oh, no.

I don't want to watch this, man.

No, that's just some kids molesting each other on YouTube.

Oh, no.

No.

Hold on.

I don't want to watch this scene, dude.

I don't want to see it.

I don't want to be snagging shit.

Come on, dude.

I have to see this.

I mean, they made this TV show.

It's already made.

That is good.

I'm not sure.

He doesn't have to pay himself.

No, you got me there, man.

I gotta admit.

That's insanely doesn't exist.

That shit is so funny, dude.

Yeah, dude.

He was so fucked up.

And I was just like, just channel surfing, like looking to kill some time.

Like in the end, I see a traumatic rape scene.

Was it sun out?

No, it was late.

It was late.

It was like, I was having trouble sleeping, and I'm just like looking for something to like put me to bed.

You see, Jimmy's like, what the fuck is going on here?

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, dude.

Sucked.

That's wild.

That's so funny.

I got to watch that episode when I get home.

I'm like, I feel upset just thinking about it right now.

Poor James Schmitz.

Jimmy Schmitz's pants.

Jimmy Smitted himself after his.

If I was in the police present, I'd be saying that.

You'd be like, that's the actor's name.

You're ruining the whole show.

These aren't your lines.

You're an extra.

It's the black guy from that show with Donnie Wahlberg.

Hey, Donnie, Lawrence.

Jimmy Smiths is just like on Conan the night after, night before that episode.

And they're like, Conan's like, how did you summon that emotion?

You know, how did you get into that

headspace?

And then Jimmy Smiths is like, well, you know, my friend Eric, his personal trainer, great guy.

He actually bought a gun.

And he would just come into my house in the middle of the night and shove it in my face and force me to suck him off.

And then the audience is like, woo!

You know, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So,

you know, that was going on for a couple weeks.

And it turns out I actually kind of liked it.

So we had to dial it back.

And then my wife was having to rape me at gunpoint so that I could not like the dick sucking anymore.

And then I actually

feel what it's like on the other side.

That's great.

We'll be right back with the Kings of Leon.

Andy Richter's like,

Trump.

Whatever the fuck.

Stupid ass Andy Richter.

Got him.

Oh, yeah.

You don't like him.

Yeah, I don't like him at all.

You don't?

No, not really.

I don't really know the guy or somebody.

His Twitter is content.

His Twitter just sucks.

Oh, does he?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he gets retweeted every once in a while, but I don't.

When he went off on that 17-year-old girl,

he found some tweet.

It wasn't being retweeted.

It was a tweet with like

four retweets from like a 17-year-old girl that's like, depression, fake AF.

Like, you know, like, why, why get a real problem or something?

And, and he, like, she's right in nine tweets, he's like, fuck you, and like, quote-tweeted this child.

It wasn't, it was not a big tweet, not a big tweet.

He directed it.

He found a tweet calling depression.

He's looking for someone to look at it.

And he looked at it.

And he found it, and he, like, just fucking harassed a child.

Damn.

He's like, I had to pull over.

You don't know what I deal with as a guy who's had six sitcoms and has been dragged all the way to the top of Hollywood by his way more talented friend.

You literally don't have a real problem.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It is true.

Except, you know, harassing.

You see the Chinese dress girl?

Which Chinese dress girl?

Last week, there was some girl who posted pictures at prom wearing like an Asian style dress, but she was white.

And then she just got dragged for cultural appropriation.

There was like a tweet that was like

with like 150, you know, thousands.

Yeah, I guess I don't get that.

It's like, aren't you allowed to do a different style of dress from somewhere?

I don't know.

Well, there is a really the answer is no.

White women aren't allowed to do anything that even remotely resembles any other culture.

No, but there was like an Asian like SJW girl who was like, I would never wear a Chinese dress.

I would never wear Japanese dress.

I would never wear Korean dress.

I would only wear

Asian I am.

Because I forgot and I wrote it down somewhere.

And what am I supposed to do?

Look in the mirror?

I can't tell either.

If you lose the keychain they give you when you're born,

that's it.

Sushi roll, fried rice.

You'll never know what kind of Asian you are after that.

Therefore, you can't.

God forbid.

What we need is better measures to help Asian people remember what type of Chinese they are

before it's pushed out by math homework.

But like, what the fuck is the difference between like

are you not allowed to eat other foods?

Like, is it just clothes?

Now, here's what I don't understand.

Riddle me this.

Okay, let's hear it.

Listeners,

my fellow Americans.

This is what I want to know.

Suddenly, it's cultural appropriation, right?

This is something that's wrong for a woman, a white woman, to wear the dress of a different culture.

But it's totally fine for a man to appropriate the clothes of a woman.

Yeah.

To go into the bathroom at church, to go into a walk into any church in America, go into the bathroom, rape a child next to a little girl.

That is legal in Obama's America, who he's still making all the laws I don't like.

He's coming in and anything that I dislike, he's doing something.

And he said, and this is a direct quote from Barack Obama himself: Oogabooga, it's legal to rape children.

That's what he said.

Whoa.

Yep.

That's fucked up.

Banana.

If you're listening

to Don Fuck.

Damn, bitch.

I got a hard penis.

Yeah.

Ah, well, boys,

are we, is that the show?

I think so.

Yeah, that is the show.

Funny moms is Monday.

Yes.

Also, when is this going up?

This is going up tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Oh, it's Tuesday.

The 9th.

Happy birthday, Nick and George, my little beautiful brothers.

Happy birthday to me, too.

My name is also Nick.

No, your birthday is in December.

No, it's Aisha.

But also, happy birthday to me.

But, guys, make sure to wish me a happy birthday.

I like it, it feels

friendly.

I also like being thanked and apologized to.

So, if you want to just send me a little thank you, I'm sorry, happy birthday note.

Yes, Funny Mom's on the 14th.

We have a bunch of shows, but I don't think any of them are May 18th.

I am in Philadelphia with Mike Racine.

He called me this morning.

I got to call him back.

Yeah, okay.

Well, if you check my Instagram bio, I have the link to the tickets in there.

8 p.m.

show is sold out, the late one.

It's also going to be the same exact material I did when I filled in for stop.

So if you saw that show, don't bother coming, folks.

This is going to be the same shit.

What?

Master promotion, regular

P.T.

Barnum.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what, the shows will sell out no matter what.

How about this?

D.P.

Barnum.

Yeah.

Dude, I like that.

And it's a big one.

Ladies and gentlemen.

And then he just takes the top hat off and bends over.

A bunch of clowns fuck his ass.

It's the greatest show on earth.

And he sets his asshole on fire.

The greatest ass on earth.

And that's the show, folks.

Right.

Goodbye.