Ep. 92 – Ruthless and Toothless

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Speaker 2 pussy game pussy game pussy game pussy game pussy game pussy game hell yeah you're listening to come town the world's only podcast that's right bitch the greatest podcast in the world in the fucking world suck our name i'm saying that not as a joke but seriously me too that's right people people think a lot of the hubris related to this show is

Speaker 2 ironic. No.
I tell you, that's the only thing that's not ironic about this show. It's true.
That, my love of gaming,

Speaker 2 and then the racism is about half and half. Yeah, 50-50, depending

Speaker 2 on the kind of experiences we've had with minorities in the last 24 hours. That's right.

Speaker 2 In fact, I only have pleasant experiences with minorities in real life.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Only? Only, yeah. Really? There's never one, you know what I mean? It's weird.

Speaker 2 You know, it's because it's like, I don't think I'm racist, but it's also like I haven't been put in many situations where I could have become racist.

Speaker 2 Explain. You know? I mean, like, I had that Korean guy fuck me over on my rent at one time.

Speaker 2 But it's also every Chinese person I've dealt with in a landlord situation, they've been great.

Speaker 2 Interesting. They've been almost perfect.
Interesting, really. So I guess, yeah, maybe Koreans can go fuck off a little bit.

Speaker 2 I'm not Chinese, and they're the same race. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.
So that's what kind of protects me from racism: the Chinese being better than Japanese.

Speaker 2 It's not having an understanding of Asian peoples. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, the Chinese and the Koreans are similar. It's not like calling the Japanese and Koreans or Chinese the same.

Speaker 2 Japan has beef with the rest of the Chinese countries. Right, right, right.
But China. Would you say Koreans look a little more Japanese? No.
In fact, they'd be pretty fucking mad at you.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 Would they? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know the Chinese guy. I mean, I know.

Speaker 2 My preference goes Chinese, Japanese, and Korean. Interesting.
Yeah. I would put Chinese at the bottom.

Speaker 2 We started talking about the racism being ironic, and we're ranking types of Asians right now. But yeah, for sure, Korean is.
It's not racist. Korean goes number one.

Speaker 2 It's racist to say you dislike a group of people. It's not racist to say you dislike

Speaker 2 worse.

Speaker 2 That's right, you're right. I love their cuisine.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, that's, if we're being honest, Korean barbecue is really it's weird that cuisine is a French word and the French have the most disgusting food of any people.

Speaker 2 I just think it's regular food with butter and shit. All the chef terms come from France, and yeah, French food is bullshit.
French cooking is like very regimented and fucked up.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 they think it's the army. Because it's a close thing to the army they have.
Yeah, because they don't have a real army. Because they're gay bitches.

Speaker 2 So to them, Julienning shit yeah actually you know what french is the worst type of asian

Speaker 2 have you seen an agent guess what france you've just been downgraded from a white country

Speaker 2 uh we're podcasting this is this is pressure podcasting nick's got a damn spot he's sitting on a wooden chair dude i'm doing it with a tooth with missing a damn tooth your voice already sounds different i wasn't expecting it to be so different but it is it's like when a little kid loses that fucking front tooth, he scouts.

Speaker 2 You look and sound like the Stranger Things kid. Yeah.
This is Stranger Things Season 12, where they've run out of people in the town to molest him. He's 35 years old.
He works at Blockbuster.

Speaker 2 Still rides the bike there. Oh, yeah.
Still lives in the same bike.

Speaker 2 I guess he got a tooth in season two. They got teeth.
Did he? I don't know. I don't watch that show because it sucks.
Yeah, I only

Speaker 2 good show

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 Mindhunter. You like Mindhunter? No, I don't like any cooking shows.
I like for Guy's Grocery Games. Me and

Speaker 2 Guy's Grocery Games fucking rules.

Speaker 2 That is chopped, basically, but with Guy just stunting and actual.

Speaker 2 Chopped is for intellectuals. I prefer Guy's grocery games.
It's true. It's easier to understand.
It's not as complicated as chopped.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's for guys like me who just, you know, at the end of a hard day at work, I don't want to think.

Speaker 2 I just want to shut down and watch some people compete in a grocery store. That's right, that's right.
To see who can make the best Oreo dinner. Oh, the fucking Oreo curry dinner.

Speaker 2 Yeah, tilapia fucking crusted Oreo. Or Oreo crusted tilapia.
Your ingredients are

Speaker 2 some mayonnaise, mustard,

Speaker 2 a bucket of

Speaker 2 Kool-Aid powder,

Speaker 2 and this

Speaker 2 stack of

Speaker 2 the coupon books they sell and they hand out at the front of the store.

Speaker 2 Me and Eldis have been gambling, and Pete, my other roommate, have been gambling on chopped recently. And it really fucking throws a little something on our

Speaker 2 favorite gambling website. Yes, Bet DSI.

Speaker 2 They started covering chopped.

Speaker 2 But it's fun, dude. It throws a little extra something, something to the chopped watching experience.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man. Sorry, I was just getting a timer going here.
Okay. Yeah, because we got it.
Man, this is fucking down to the wire. I don't know why we didn't do this shit yesterday.
Man, Sunday happened.

Speaker 2 I texted you. I asked you to.

Speaker 2 I know. I forgot it was Tuesday already.

Speaker 2 Even why?

Speaker 2 You'd think that by now I would know that I do two podcasts a week.

Speaker 2 It is true. Once we do one, I'm like, well,

Speaker 2 I'm working for the week. It is.
You know what? It's funny because people are like, you don't work very hard. You only do two hours of saying the dumbest shit

Speaker 2 two times a week. You don't deserve $30,000 a month for that.
Right. And you know what?

Speaker 2 We have not taken a single break except for like maybe three or four or five times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every couple of months. Nothing has ever, no co-host has ever gone missing for

Speaker 2 be it like illness in the family or going on vacation in Europe for three weeks for no reason. That's never happened.
That's never happened.

Speaker 2 You've never forgotten to upload an episode and just kind of skipped it and hoped no one would notice. It is funny.
Like we did hit 30,000 30,000 and

Speaker 2 I saw a lot of people deleting subscriptions. They're like, fuck that.
You make too much money. You don't deserve this much money.
People are writing that. And it's like, we didn't deserve $200.

Speaker 2 There's no amount of money we deserve to do podcasts. Right, absolutely not.
What we deserve is health insurance, and I still don't have it. Yep, me neither.
Clearly, with my fucking tooth.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm about to be toothless till Friday, dude. Yeah.
And then I get a little flipper. And the reason I deserve health insurance isn't because I'm a good person.

Speaker 2 It's because I've paid probably $70,000 in taxes this year. Yeah.
And I don't use the fucking roads. I walk on the sidewalks.
That's true. Who's paying for the sidewalks?

Speaker 2 That doesn't come out of taxes. That's probably mailmen pay for that.
That's right. That's right.

Speaker 2 That comes from all the birthday money they steal out of all the cards that I delay.

Speaker 2 Damn, you paid that much. I'm about to get banged attack.
Dude, this fucking tooth thing was fucking brutal. How much did it cost? Well, I got hooked up.
I got hooked up by.

Speaker 2 You got to stop getting hooked up on dental work.

Speaker 2 That's how this happened in the first place. No, this is good.
This guy is. Your tooth was a little pink, and your mom said she knew a guy.
Yeah. Here we are three months later,

Speaker 2 and you look like a goddamn jack-o'-line.

Speaker 2 I know, dude. But it's out of my mouth now, okay? The problems are gone.
Now I'm going to get a little flipper for six months. I'm going to be able to pop it in and out.

Speaker 2 And then I'm going to get a dental implant, and that I'm not scrimping on. But that's going to cost at least two grand.
And then my surgery, who knows how much that's going to fucking cost.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have to spend like $10,000 to not have a fucked up mouth. That's insane.
I know. It's crazy.
That's really good. I can't get fucking health insurance.

Speaker 2 I mean, the flip side is I'm going to have to spend $100,000 on that surgery where they break your bones. That's shoot to get to be half an inch taller.
No, it's a lot more than that, dude.

Speaker 2 How much more? Like four inches. No, really? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 If you wanted to grow a half inch, I'm sure you could figure out lifts would be enough. It's true.
I mean, I need to... I'm 5'2 ⁇ .
That's true. Yeah, yeah.
You know, I'm trying to get to 6'7.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go on lifts.
You're going to break your fucking... I'm breaking all my bones.
Yeah. Ooh, even your dick bone.

Speaker 2 I'm having all of my joints shattered. Beautiful.
Fingers? Yeah. Everything.

Speaker 2 My skull. Oh, really? I'm going to have all my bones pulverized.
And then they're going to put me in a giant vacuum with a hose. It comes down and goes directly into my lungs.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to be tube-fed air to stay alive,

Speaker 2 nutrients through IV. And then you keep me in that fucking vacuum until I've expanded.
Ah, like a sea monkey. Like a bathtub suicide.

Speaker 2 Then I'll get all the girls. Perfect, dude.
Just be spongy, browned, and fucked up. Yeah.
Waterlogged. Just on my, like,

Speaker 2 yeah, just a purple fucking mess on the ground in a puddle. But then in my Tinder bio, I put six, seven.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 he does look like a corpse. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He does look like a rotten eggplant.

Speaker 2 Yeah, melted beanbag chair. Ooh, hell yeah.
The vinyl fucking caught on fire. That sounds hot.
Dude,

Speaker 2 I'd fuck a big beanbag chair. You know the rules.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 everybody wants a tall. I almost said the N-word.

Speaker 2 I almost did it.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants

Speaker 2 to be tall these days.

Speaker 2 I remember it used to be, because look, I'm 4'11.

Speaker 2 Sure, yes, yes. 20 years ago, guys like me were respected.
Yes. Put on a nice fucking suit.
Yeah. A fedora.

Speaker 2 In the 1930s, the average male height was 3'6.

Speaker 2 See, the Mexicans haven't grown since then. They always used to be basketball players back then.
That's a little-known fact. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When the WNBA first launched, it was all Mexican men.

Speaker 2 Stood for where is the NBA?

Speaker 2 Yeah. They originally sent as contractors to build the hardwood floors for the NBA, but then they just started their own league while searching for the location of the NBA.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bro. I've looked into it, man.
I was also going to do that thing that African women do where you put rings around your neck to make my neck bigger, longer. Then I just go on dates with women.

Speaker 2 They're like, how tall are you? I'm like, 6'4?

Speaker 2 My shoulders are like at their waist.

Speaker 2 That sounds pretty good, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like we're walking down the street and like there's like a tube hanging off of some building that's under construction, but for whatever reason the tube is hooked up to like a vacuum on the top floor.

Speaker 2 It like sucks air in. Yes.
And then she's like going through her purse and her keys get sucked up the tube. She's like, oh no, my keys.
And I'm like, I got this. Yeah.
And I just stick my long head

Speaker 2 of that tube.

Speaker 2 And then all the guys on the street are jealous because none of them have a four and a half foot long neck. Of course, dude.
Yeah. You stunted on them.
I did. You burdened it.

Speaker 2 You ostriched all over those motherfuckers. You got that big ostrich neck.
Hell yeah. That sounds pretty good.

Speaker 2 The surgery I would like is not elective. It's the one I need.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bro, this motherfucker grabbed me. What do you mean I don't need surgery surgery to make my neck three feet long? You think you need that? Yes.
Will you die if you don't have it?

Speaker 2 Here's the thing, man. You don't need a tooth.
That's true. You got like 30 of them.
I only have one neck, and it's not long enough. That's true, man.
I'm being selfish.

Speaker 2 Fuck. You're right.
Well, my neck's not long. Do I need the surgery? No, because you're morbidly obese.

Speaker 2 I am regularly obese. I'm basically physically perfect, except for

Speaker 2 your short-ass neck. Everywhere you go, people are like, look at that little fucking short-neck piece of shit.
His body's so beautiful.

Speaker 2 His calves, his pecs,

Speaker 2 works of God. That's what they said.
With the neck, that little fucking squat piece of shit. I know, dude.
Damn. I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 2 Everyone has been saying that, and it's been hard on me because I agree with them. Your neck is disgusting, but I love you so much.
I always have your back.

Speaker 2 But now that you're bringing it up, yeah, you have a fucked up neck. Yeah.
So that's got to be depressing, having your front tooth missing. You know, it's kind of funny, dude.

Speaker 2 All day today, I was on the- I mean, it's funny to me. No, no, no, like, but all day, like, first of all, I was on the train and just no homeless people ask you for money.
Like,

Speaker 2 a lady came over to me and she was like, You have some money, and I just smiled at her, and she walked away. She didn't even ask for anything.
She was, like, fucking taken aback.

Speaker 2 I look like a guy who's in his first stages of homelessness. Because, you know what I mean? Like, I just.
No, no, no. You look like a guy that's homeless.

Speaker 2 You look like a guy that's been homeless to the point where he lost a tooth. This isn't week one.

Speaker 2 This is fucking

Speaker 2 decaying. Years and years of homelessness.
My regular habits are just what a homeless guy's dental habits are. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where you're on a first-name basis with everyone that works at every shelter in the city.

Speaker 2 Let me just get some scraps, please. Yeah.
You got your fucking shopping cart pulled up to the front of one of those Link NYC booths and you're watching fucking

Speaker 2 Kodak black music videos.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hell yeah, dude. I'm on four fucking milk crates just fucking sitting down.
Posted up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so,

Speaker 2 but people keep like looking at me and like, like,

Speaker 2 I keep getting like a weird glance where it's like not horror. Like, I guess they're trying to be polite, but all day I've been like, damn, I must have something going on today.

Speaker 2 I got some charisma about me. And I'm like, no, they're gawking at you because you don't have a fucking front tooth.

Speaker 2 but like women have like looked at won't break eye contact immediately like usual and it's like they're looking at my fucked up tooth and I'm like why but why are you going around smiling at people nobody ever sees my teeth I smile I'm a smile that's first of all that's a sign of a cowardice

Speaker 2 smiling and letting somebody see your teeth I bare my teeth at people like a chimp

Speaker 2 to show to show you're in control of the smell if I'm going to 7-Eleven and I see two Taquitos rolling on that fucking thing I bury my teeth at everyone in there and let them know that they better not order those fucking Taquitos.

Speaker 2 They'll wait until I make my half pina colada, half Coca-Cola slurpee, and then I'll order those two Taquitos. Wow, dude.
Yeah, let them cook a little extra. He like them crispy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, what can I say, man? I also had a moment in a coffee shop where I saw just some fucking

Speaker 2 some hot woman with like some ugly dude. And I was like, damn, I should fucking steal this girl.
And I was like, oh, I'm ugly as shit. And I'm missing a fucking dude.

Speaker 2 Like, imagine me just sauntering up to someone.

Speaker 2 I like how it took losing a front tooth for your self-esteem to finally match your physical appearance.

Speaker 2 That was the last pick, dude. Yeah, because I mean, the tooth brought you from, like, a three to a two.
Nah, nah, nah. Front tooth really ticked.
Actually, you know what?

Speaker 2 Missing the tooth kind of brought you from a three to a different kind of three. Yeah, I think it bought me up.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's weird. It's like, because it's like, if you get, if you have.
Dude, I'm just, and you're, I'm, we're in your room and it smells bad in here. And like.

Speaker 2 Well, I I just took you listen motherfucker now don't say anything I can see that you got brand new laundry sitting on the bed so if anything it smells better in here than it normally does first of all I took I had a long day of writing two tweets okay so I I I worked up a nice musk in the coffee shop today yeah also I'm out of soap and I usually steal Eldis's but he is also out of soap so I've been taking regular showers with some of Ryan's shampoo yeah okay and that doesn't clean the way soap should yeah okay so that's number one I never use any kind of soap or You don't use any soap?

Speaker 2 Not often. No.
I just rinse off. Not to wash your cheeks? No, dude.
I'm fucking... I'm clean.
You don't wash your asshole with soap. Nope.
Are you out of your fucking mind? I just never smell bad.

Speaker 2 That's wild, dude. There's no way.
Nah, man.

Speaker 2 Your dick, your dick head under your balls.

Speaker 2 None of that gets soaped down. I'm like once every two weeks.
When you fuck? Once every two weeks. You fuck once every two weeks? No.
I know you fuck more than that, bro. I know.

Speaker 2 At the very least, you should be fucking scrubbing pussy off with some dial, dude. No.
Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'll wash my balls and dick in the sink after. With no soap, though.
Yeah, just a little rinse. A little rinse.
I mean, but hold on. The human body was designed to do that.
This is...

Speaker 2 No, absolutely not, dude. I don't give a fuck.
You know about the rock star car wash? You ever hear that? No. People talk about that? No, no.

Speaker 2 That's where you fuck a girl and then you wash your dick off in another girl's pussy right after.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The hooker shower is when you wash your genitalia in a sink. Yeah.
Preference.

Speaker 2 They also call that a Mexican shower, don't they? Do they? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't think so. I've heard that.

Speaker 2 I thought the Mexican shower was just axe body spray. A horse bath and then a horse bath.
I thought the Mexican shower was just axe body spray. Yeah.
You know?

Speaker 2 But enough, like you're in the misting tent at the zoo, that amount. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 My thing is...

Speaker 2 Laying down in the shower and doing characters.

Speaker 2 Wait, no, you didn't say you You lay down in the shower for real? Yeah. Or is this a bit? No, I do.
You know what I like to do? I like to fucking work the edge of the bathtub into my rhomboids.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. That shit is dirty as fuck.
I know. I don't give a shit.
You don't use soap and you lay down on the dirty ass back. I work my back.
You're fucked up.

Speaker 2 I press the little soap holder into

Speaker 2 my lats and shit. No, this is prison, dude.
That's a prison massage. Nobody, if you did that in prison, they'd probably kill you.

Speaker 2 Nah, they would take it as an alpha move yeah you're laying down using the fixtures to rub yourself

Speaker 2 yes

Speaker 2 we're getting dangerously close to shitting in the kitchen

Speaker 2 you mean fucking beautifully close dude that's what we need

Speaker 2 so good that was the best bit we've ever done in our lives dude

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 but no i don't know man i think i'm just honestly what i'm really scared of is i'm gonna like having no-tooth too much i think if anybody's gonna pull it off because actually here's the thing you're right you're very rude the way you talk about it, and you could be better, but yes, I understand societally, I'm not the most attractive man.

Speaker 2 However, well, basically, my whole life has been built up to overcome a horrible body. And if anyone can pull off no fucking tooth, honestly, it's me, dude.
Yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 Honestly, like, I could walk up, I could make it kind of charming somehow. I'll figure it out, dude.

Speaker 2 Give me a couple months with no tooth. It's fine.
I might get more pussy.

Speaker 2 People don't understand, like, if you've been fat your whole life, it definitely helps you in many ways. Not medically, obviously.
No, no, no. The lifespan is.

Speaker 2 Not necessarily self-esteem, but the outward

Speaker 2 confidence you have

Speaker 2 to burst. Yeah, if you're able to have the confidence to be that fat and not, you know, be into like,

Speaker 2 you know, Warcraft.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right, right, right. Seek fat shelter somewhere amongst other fat

Speaker 2 shit. Yes.
Yeah, build a cabinet in your bedroom that houses the computer so you can have a bedroom inside your bedroom that has a toilet paper roll underneath the

Speaker 2 toilet paper roll holder underneath the desk so when you masturbate,

Speaker 2 you can just pull off a wad of toilet paper. Beautiful.
Have you seen those gaming rigs that have we've mentioned these before, yes? They're beautiful. Honestly, I think about it sometimes, dude.

Speaker 2 You know how beautiful life would be if like just on one of my benders, if that was just my life, I'm just always fucked up. I'm eating fucking pizza and wings for breakfast and shit like that.

Speaker 2 And I'm just, I keep getting fatter and fatter. I don't worry about fucking ever.
And I just die. That wouldn't be that bad.
You know what I mean? That's kind of like just quitting, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'd be very depressed, but then I just get fucked up the second I start getting depressed. I had a real bad day the other day and I was like, I just want to just do heroin.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When I'm like that,

Speaker 2 I would do, I was a while where I was doing a lot of pills. My roommate got.

Speaker 2 My roommate got in a car accident. I was just stealing them.

Speaker 2 And I was fat as fuck, bro. And honestly, those pills running out kind of made me get my life together because I was like, well, yeah,

Speaker 2 I've eaten too many.

Speaker 2 But you didn't get your life together. Momentarily, I did.
This was in college. I lost a lot of weight.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking girlfriend, and then once I locked her up, I was like, Oh, yeah, time to get that same girl you were dating when I made it. Yes, yep.

Speaker 2 That was what was 370 pounds. No, I mean, I know you're kidding, but I'm serious.
I was, no, I was 325. Oh, okay.
I thought you were about 470. No, no, 325.
I mean, I know.

Speaker 2 I understand it's hard for you as a man of your size

Speaker 2 at 46.

Speaker 2 People are much... You don't you understand size.
Well, I'm 4'6, 225. That's true.

Speaker 2 You're built like a fucking brick house, a shit brick house.

Speaker 2 Bet boy is built like a fuck shithouse. Your fuck ass house boy.
Isn't shit brick house a term? Well, like a brick full of shit.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is, but I think I'm just one of those dumb ways to refer to somebody. I love it, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I don't know, man. I think I'm kind of like, if I learn how to whistle out this tooth, dude.
Yeah, try it. I can't.

Speaker 2 Damn. You know what you should get as an implant is like a little eight ball.
Ooh. A magic eight ball? Yeah, like a ball.
Like I shake my head up and down. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Just like, you know how with somebody, I was, when I was a kid, I would fantasize about losing my eye so I could get a red. oh hell yeah like an eight ball

Speaker 2 I always thought that would be badass dude that wouldn't be just in second grade eight ball eye yeah yeah yeah looking fucked up

Speaker 2 looking like you just got your shit just sell sell coke split open at a fucking pool hall like a horrible accident happened that's all I wanted dude is a horrific eye injury when I was a kid I remember my first girlfriend

Speaker 2 there was some guy

Speaker 2 either she used to fuck or some guy she was friends with who had had a missing eye and I remember I was like, I was very insecure, but that guy had a cool scar. He had cool scar.

Speaker 2 He got shot in the eye. I wanted a scar.
I wanted a scar. She would talk about it too in the way that would make me insecure.
She's like, that's so hot. I want to fuck him so bad.
I was probably 17.

Speaker 2 Okay. This is the girl who's doing heroin.

Speaker 2 Now, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then at the time, she wasn't. I mean, there's going to be pills here and there, but her life went to shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. After she got that Mull Dog dick.

Speaker 2 Well, after she left me for some guy that got shot in the face.

Speaker 2 I wore a scar. I don't remember who.
Not Scar. I didn't fuck with Scar from Lion King.
Tom Behringer and The Mask. In Platoon.
Nah, I didn't see Platoon until later. That's a good movie, though.

Speaker 2 That's a good scar. I don't remember the scar, actually.
Yeah. But did the villain from the mask? It's fucked up, you know, because here's the thing.

Speaker 2 We already do, we already, a little baby boy is born, and they like mangle his.

Speaker 2 Not everyone's pale. Not everyone's, but I'm saying.

Speaker 2 You know how fucking mad I am that I'm a bit, I don't remember being circumcised. I don't give a shit.
It looks better, right? I see where you're going. Yeah.
Cut my face off.

Speaker 2 If you're going to remove the head of my dick, you're going to do something that fucked up.

Speaker 2 I want a scar going from the top of my head all the way down my cheek, through my eyeballs, slice through my eyeballs.

Speaker 2 You want to lose functionality in one of your eyes.

Speaker 2 I want one of those glossy white ones with the red line down the middle.

Speaker 2 And, you know, if you go to a nice hospital, give me the eight ball. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just, you know, your family has money. Just give me an eight ball.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to be like one of those rich

Speaker 2 rich babies with a scar down his whole fucking forehead and an eight ball in his eye.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. And then fucking cunt destroyer tattooed across my neck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, in the fucking Hoity-Toity, Connecticut, you'll fucking pop into a fucking gas station on a road trip, and you'll just see some fucking kid with perfect blonde hair and just a fucking flame tattoo.

Speaker 2 You had rich baby.

Speaker 2 That rich baby with a couple slurs on his forehead. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, but for real, though, I wouldn't have been, I would, wouldn't be mad at my parents if they had the doctor slice my face open in various different ways, you know, really make me look like a fucked up badass dude.

Speaker 2 And then, and then, you know, maybe I don't need the circumcision at that point. That's right.
Because what's circumcision is supposed to do? Keep your dick clean?

Speaker 2 The only women that are going to be fucking you if you have a bunch of horrific facial scars already have climbers. Virgins.
Oh, virgins. Yeah.
Interesting.

Speaker 2 Because the only people that are attracted to that are morons. Ah, I see.

Speaker 2 I was going to say whores that

Speaker 2 maybe

Speaker 2 had some rough stuff happen to them in their childhood, actually.

Speaker 2 That would have been my guess. Yeah.
Like that girl, there's no way she had a chill childhood. Which girl? Your first girlfriend.
Oh, yeah, no, not at all. Yeah, yeah.
So

Speaker 2 decidedly

Speaker 2 not chill stuff probably happened. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Speaking of that, I was watching Forrest Gump.

Speaker 2 Jenny apparently got molested big time. Oh, yeah.
What it seemed like. Oh, yeah.
That movie sucked, dude. Yeah, that movie does.
Force Gump's terrible. It's a terrible movie.

Speaker 2 I put it on in the background while I was getting some writing done a couple months ago. And I was like 15 minutes into it.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 what the fuck is this? Why do people love this movie? Also, Jenny would have fucked him way sooner because she got molested. Yeah.
And she's clearly, there's the two flavors.

Speaker 2 There's you never fuck again. Forrest Gump feels like a fucking child molester tried to make a Wes Anderson movie.
Oh, interesting. Yeah.
Okay, I could see that.

Speaker 2 I just don't get it, dude. It's like, what the fuck is supposed to be cool about it?

Speaker 2 This retard just fucking hops into every part of history.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that the whole movie? And then he runs fast or something? Something like that.

Speaker 2 He's good at football. Why? Because he runs fast.
Yeah. He's lucky they didn't allow black people in it first.
Damn, this Odega coffee is terrible. Yeah, it's bad.
But they do sell Lucy's.

Speaker 2 I just spit all over the microphone. I'm sorry.
Well, I was laughing. Not now, but earlier.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 That's Adam's. Is it? I don't know.
I wonder if Adam's ever coming back. I hope he is.
Yeah. I feel bad for our boy.
Yeah, but the show's going great. Yeah, it's fun to do the show.

Speaker 2 I wish that wasn't the truth. The live show was terrible.
You think so? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was fun. No, no, not Caroline's.
Funny moms.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, dude.
Yeah, it's not your fault. I know, I know.
Adam refused to tweet out the link.

Speaker 2 I know he's got stuff going on, but I don't want to.

Speaker 2 I would not put it past Adam to

Speaker 2 intentionally not tweet out the link to the show to make me look bad, to remind me that he's necessary for some components of our thing. Interesting, interesting, interesting.

Speaker 2 It's a minor power play from him,

Speaker 2 you're thinking. Yeah, you always look, you always look at

Speaker 2 Prince Machiavelli. Right.

Speaker 2 You're probably brushing up on Prince Machiavelli right now, aren't you? No, that shit comes natural to me. Ah, I see.
Yeah, I don't need to read a fucking book to know how to manipulate people.

Speaker 2 Smart. Yeah.
How did you pick it up? What? What Adam's doing? Manipulation. The art of manipulation.

Speaker 2 Gaming. Gaming, of course on the mods, on the boards, by playing anime dating sims,

Speaker 2 selecting the right question to ask

Speaker 2 beautiful princess

Speaker 2 to get just to see some side boob after playing it for three hours.

Speaker 2 Thank you for fucking my pussy,

Speaker 2 check me, bro. I downloaded one of those on Xbox like

Speaker 2 too late in life, like five years ago.

Speaker 2 Me?

Speaker 2 Back when you had all your teeth. Yeah, dude.
When I was a beautiful 325-pound boy with nothing but teeth, nothing but beautiful chompers.

Speaker 2 By the way, it turns out you should brush your teeth, guys.

Speaker 2 I was always a firm believer that not brushing my teeth was never going to come. Dude, I'll make fun of you, but I got

Speaker 2 one of my bottom teeth is doing the same thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Go to the dentist, bro.
I got it. I mean, it's all black at the fucking bottom.
Oh, that might be resorption. That's what I had, dude.
No, I think it's just rotting away.

Speaker 2 That's a type of rotting away. I'm going to lose a tooth, too, but it'll be one of the bottom ones, anyway.
Bottom's so much better than this. Dude, this is the worst tooth.
Top right.

Speaker 2 Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. The worst tooth to fucking lose.
I think you're still going to be eating like shit, too. You're like one of those guys that

Speaker 2 has a stoma. You know, it's like the fucking tracheotomy, and then they smoke through it anyways.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I had one day where I was on a liquid diet and that was fine. And then

Speaker 2 they said 24. Your boy got right back to it, dude.
Yeah. Right back to.
I am kind of a bender.

Speaker 2 I'm in a weird part where it's like I'm struggling to get my life together, but every medical problem sinks me back into depression. So I eat like shit.
And I am.

Speaker 2 Well, this tooth, the gum has been receding for like five years. Oof, my darling.
It's just every year it gets worse and worse. Go to the goddamn dentist, bro.
Oh, shit. Well, it doesn't hurt.

Speaker 2 It doesn't? No. It doesn't hurt at all.
It's not loose. It feels healthy.
It'll bleed a little. Because what I do is I use one of those, you know, those hooks, those metal hooks?

Speaker 2 After I brush my teeth, I'll scrape anything out of the that hole with one of those metal things oh shit so I pay extra attention to it and I like I like I do my own scaling in my own mouth you gotta fucking get a doctor to do that shit dude why I don't know it's a tool I know how to use tools I don't trust you with it you're gonna fuck up bro by the way the cleaning I got Because I hadn't just gone to the dentist at all in years.

Speaker 2 So they did a cleaning too. That shit was worse than the fucking...
Yeah, where they scale and plane you? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 It was like it was like fucking a mine i feel like i've had that shit done once and everybody's like oh it's excruciating and it was fine nah bro i just didn't i mean it was like uncomfortable but nah it was horrible dude it was like some honduran like little fat honduran lady who had no time for my yelps i was really like

Speaker 2 there's like old times i had to stop her i spit out just the most viscous red ass blood at the end it wasn't even like a little pink dude this bitch was going at me and had with no remorse, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, I guess I should go to a dentist and get a cleaning.
Yeah. I still don't have health insurance.
Damn, bro. It's so expensive, and then it's shit.
If you look at the marketplace, it's like

Speaker 2 there's not a single plan that's four stars or above in my area. Yeah.
There's no platinum plans. You have to get a shitty plan that sucks, and it costs $500 a month with

Speaker 2 a $6,000 doctor. Yeah, exactly.
The thing that it does do is the health insurance company is allowed to negotiate prices with the medical provider.

Speaker 2 So you pay $500 for a thing that would have cost $800.

Speaker 2 Gotcha.

Speaker 2 But they still don't pay. But I feel like if you go to a good doctor.
See, when I say I got a hookup this time,

Speaker 2 a friend's uncle's actually a good dentist, and he really did, like, he did do good work, and the cleaning is good. And he also knows a surgeon who has been working with me.

Speaker 2 Like, they've been, like, cool since I don't have insurance. Here's the thing.
If I go to a guy and I get my teeth clean, I pay $500 fucking dollars. You're not paying that for a teeth clean.

Speaker 2 And I pay $200 or whatever I pay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want them to cut across my face through my eye with the scalp.

Speaker 2 And I want that goddamn eight ball. That's right.
We get matching eight balls, dude. How jealous would Adam be if he comes back? Dude, you have a missing tooth with an eight ball in it.

Speaker 2 Honestly, that would be cool. Half my face is stitched out there.
Yeah, I mean, you're still healing, so you look horrible. It's just pink and terrible.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he comes back. I've been butchered with the shade.

Speaker 2 And I have an eight ball eye. And it goes, What?

Speaker 2 I want one. I'm like, you're not allowed to copy.
Sorry, dude, no copy. Being hooked up to an IV.
And then I smile and it just gleams. My little eight ball gleams in the fucking sun.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 We went to the hospital.

Speaker 2 I guess we went to the hospital without it. I guess it would be a round eight ball tooth.

Speaker 2 It would just be cosmetic. It would not be a good thing.

Speaker 2 It would look like a tooth.

Speaker 2 It would look like a tooth.

Speaker 2 But then it's got the eight ball on it. God, this fucking sucks.
This is the most talking I've done.

Speaker 2 Because it's like, you know, like, I mean, I'm regular talking, but, like, I sound so fucking stupid speaking out of the fucking. I've already gotten used to it.
It sounds normal to me now.

Speaker 2 I just hit a couple Fs in a row, and it really got to me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But whatever, man, I'm precocious and young and cute. I've got a tooth missing.
I'm definitely not dying, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 This is definitely not the first stage of my body quitting on me between this and the growth in my jaw. I mean, getting fatter every year, less healthy.
Yeah. And doing more drugs as I age.

Speaker 2 You're young. You're almost 30 years old.
That's young.

Speaker 2 That's certainly not middle age, by definition.

Speaker 2 You know, we're definitely young guys.

Speaker 2 I fucking, you know, when you're like half asleep, half awake, you know? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 And you're still kind of like dreaming, but you know, you're like sort of awake. I had one of those the other day, and in the dream, someone was like, How old are you?

Speaker 2 And I like had this thing for a second. I'm like, I'm 16.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, wait, wait, wait, I'm 19. And the guy's like, okay.
And then I woke up and I was like, fuck, I'm 29. Yeah, yeah, it sucks.

Speaker 2 That's, yeah, I haven't, like, aged mentally in 13 years. Absolutely not.
I'm stupid as fuck. I'm the I'm dumber.
Yeah. But we've talked about that.
Yeah, I can't. I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I really do think this might be it, man.

Speaker 2 The beginning of the damn end. Yeah, that's how Cometown ends with everyone dying.
Yeah. Just you, left alone.
Yeah, the way it began. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Jake Flores and Mike Racine. Yeah, Blake Midget.
There's no way that fucking.

Speaker 2 There's no way that Jake and Blake wouldn't die like six months after this. It's true.

Speaker 2 It's like the curse, dude. You know, like cars breaking down.
You're like, oh, just buy another one. And you're like, oh, well, I could get a loan.
Or

Speaker 2 I could spend $500 on this 1987 maximum.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just cigarette burns in the fucking seat. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ripped a knife to the fucking, like, you know, it's like sinking that, like, the top upholstery.

Speaker 2 I love that when you think you go into like a restaurant, like a shitty diner, and someone's like taking a knife to the seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The booth, and they're just like, ah, this fucking thing. Who's doing that? Who's cutting up booths? Probably a kid like you as a child.
I can see taking a knife. Did someone do a bit about that?

Speaker 2 I don't think they did. Who's slashing the booths at the diners? I don't think they do.
That's all yours, buddy. Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, it's like, that's such like a 50s gang move. That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You go to like a 50s themed diner and you have to threaten threaten the waiter by slicing a.
I heard you was serving PRs here.

Speaker 2 We don't let the Thunder Horses see

Speaker 2 the Thunder Horses down from 87th Street to never come into the diner. Yeah, when the only thing that

Speaker 2 separated gangs was their fucking little names. They were just all white guys.

Speaker 2 They didn't even get the race yet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A beautiful time in America.

Speaker 2 The 86th Street goofballs.

Speaker 2 Nobody messes with with them. That's Billy.
He's the hardest guy in the world. His dad just got laid off.

Speaker 2 That's what makes him so hard.

Speaker 2 His father suffers from depression.

Speaker 2 Damn, I could have been in a gang. That's when I was tough.
That's when I would have been tough. Yeah.
Back then, when none of the gangs were very real. Yeah, back in the 50s.

Speaker 2 I feel like everybody has those fantasies. Like, when you read about bank robbers in the 20s or something.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Mulaney definitely definitely knows a bit about that.

Speaker 2 So I don't remember that going to that territory.

Speaker 2 You know that bit he does about how easy it used to be to rob a bank back in the day. Oh, easy to commit a crime, wasn't it? Yeah, easy to commit a crime.

Speaker 2 You go into a bank and you tell everyone your name. Yeah,

Speaker 2 hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he also had that other bit about

Speaker 2 like you're bleeding everywhere, and it's like the detective comes in. He's like, here's the, this is the, the, like, the criminal's blood is all over.
It's like, oh, my God. No, it's not.

Speaker 2 It's Clean it up. Well, here's like the victim or whatever, and there's like blood, hair, and semen everywhere.
And the detective goes, gross, clean it up.

Speaker 2 That's the punchline. Yeah.
Thanks for listening to Come Town, the stand-up comedy recap podcast, where we repeat bits that comics have done, and we say who does them. So it doesn't count.

Speaker 2 It's not stealing. It's attribution-based.
The New York Times recaps, they do like a best of late night, and then they transcribe things that the late night hosts. Really? Yeah, and it's just,

Speaker 2 it's almost like they're doing it to prove how not funny late night is. I get that, because when you read those jokes, it's brutal.
They're terrible. I mean, it's tough enough watching them.

Speaker 2 But it's like, you know, he's fucking bouncing up and down, and it's like there's this fucking audience. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, Madonna.

Speaker 2 So what should I do next, man?

Speaker 2 What do I do? In life? Yeah. I don't know.
I've kind of run out of things to do. You think this is a sign that I should just fucking...

Speaker 2 I feel like my life in the last year is like, you know, in Scarface when the push it to the limit montage is happening.

Speaker 2 So it's me at the Porsche dealership, you know,

Speaker 2 me like fucking a hot girl or whatever.

Speaker 2 You know, just blowing them up. Yeah, of course.
You know, PlayStation VR, push it to the limit.

Speaker 2 Weight vest, you know, pass the portal, don't return, you know.

Speaker 2 $800 stealing wheel. Yeah, $800 steering wheel.
Push it to the limit.

Speaker 2 But then we're only halfway through the song, and there's still plenty of song left. And I'm just sitting in my apartment because I've run out of shit.

Speaker 2 That's the point of no return. I'm just watching the Apple TV screensaver and twiddling my thumbs.
Reach the edge, butts to you gotta learn. Just looking at my fucking Apple Watch.
How to keep it.

Speaker 2 Answering a text message about why Adam can't come back to the show for six months.

Speaker 2 Push it to the limit. Suck your father's penis.
Me reading like the Wikipedia page for corporate sales tax

Speaker 2 for how capital gains works.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just fucking look at it. Maybe I'll become a stockbroker.

Speaker 2 Never mind. Fuck all that shit.
I ain't learning.

Speaker 2 Learning is okay, guys. As soon as the podcast ends, I'd fuck.

Speaker 2 Good luck getting a job if the employer has Google.

Speaker 2 Even if it doesn't end, I still have depression.

Speaker 2 I just wanna kill myself. Hell yeah, dude.
Everything's going fine, and I wanna die.

Speaker 2 I feel like I just need to get over these uh these little health humps, you know? Yeah. These lovely health lumps.
Yeah. It's like my tits.
Actually, the doctor said it's crazy. He said, um,

Speaker 2 if I the more nudes I receive into my inbox, the healthier I'll be. So I can't believe he said that, but

Speaker 2 yeah, I mean, uh, I guess you guys don't want me to die. You should listen to what the doctor has to say.
Yeah. But he also said some other shit about Apple Bottom a day, keeps it.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You got those Apple Bottom jeans? Put your ass on DMs.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah, or even if you don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know? One of my bonsai seeds came out of the soil.
It didn't sprout. It just fucking worked its way up out of the soil.
Interesting. I don't know how that happened.

Speaker 2 That's a sign of disrespect, dude. You got to fucking make that seed a fucking.
Not only is it not

Speaker 2 growing, it's unplanting me.

Speaker 2 That's how bad I am at bonsai. Yeah.
You have to make that seed an example. You have to fuck it in front of the other bonsai seeds.
Yeah, you do have to fuck it.

Speaker 2 You have to rip that bonsai seed. Man, this is depressing.
All my friends are dying. Yeah, I'll probably be fine.

Speaker 2 This round probably won't get me, but I'm not going to change any of my... You saw me going to the doctor for that tumor in your head.
No, no, I did. I taught.
I mean, the biopsy is next week.

Speaker 2 I'll figure it out. It's just something that has to get removed, more than likely.
Like, it's some fucked up growth. Okay, but it's not like, I mean, they have to do a biopsy still.

Speaker 2 It could be cancer. Yeah, it could be, but it's probably not because cancer would have just eaten through my fucking jaw.

Speaker 2 This is just some fucking growth that's pushed it aside, and I have to remove it and, like, get a fucking tooth removed.

Speaker 2 That's one of those things where it's like they take it out and they're like, it's not cancer, and then a year later, you have cancer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it could be. I mean, we'll find out.
You know, it's cool.

Speaker 2 it makes you know i was kind of feeling better about it but now yeah now that you say it dude you got to be real worried about these things

Speaker 2 that's i tell i tell you ought i tell all of my patients that's right stay positive that's for idiots right right right right be realistic say goodbye to your family that's true you know

Speaker 2 spend time gaming Yeah, I do have to beat a couple games. Yeah.
Damn, I don't want to have cancer, dude. I want to live.
I want to live at least another 20 years. Nobody wants to die.

Speaker 2 There's so much more pussy to be gotten, dude. Yeah, you know,

Speaker 2 there's so much more titties to suck. You know, it's funny because a lot of people, I always thought, like, who would want to live forever?

Speaker 2 I think, honestly, I would. I think I am that much of a crazy person.
Like, you know, these like these like tech trophies.

Speaker 2 I could see you being like one of those fucked up like bodybuilders in their 80s that doesn't look that old.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 That man with the beard from the spam advertisement? No, no, no. This grandpa.
I I figured out the one shrimp.

Speaker 2 Ripped grandpa. No, there's like two different vegan black people that are like that.
Yeah. You know that old lady? She looks kind of good.

Speaker 2 No, I mean having my brain removed and put in a robot and then being blasted into space. Sure.
That's what I want to be. You want robot limbs? No, I just want to be sort of like sentient.

Speaker 2 So you don't even want the pleasures of humanity. Actually, who am I kidding? Yeah, that would be an upgrade for you.
Right. If I could just be some sort of distant quasar

Speaker 2 contemplating things.

Speaker 2 How funny it would would be if humanity already reached that point and everybody left, but like it was just humanity, so it's just regular people. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Like scientists are looking through a telescope, and like they have

Speaker 2 one of those radio telescopes or whatever. Oh, that's funny.
Listening like a pulsar, and it's like, listen to this.

Speaker 2 And they're like, isn't that amazing? This is coming from millions of miles away, but it's really just an ancient mind, and it's out there.

Speaker 2 Those are all just slurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's just some racist guy yeah they wait what about this the ancient Egyptians they blasted the fuck off yeah

Speaker 2 smarter than us dude is that true I think so dude yeah they're they're in space now we should get into conspiracy theories I would love that we should get into I mean where's Atlanta we should get into alternate realities where you don't have cancer oh fuck yeah just to have big ass dick I'll join I'll join you in that delusion where we're capable of living forever we could just we could we could capture our voices in our minds and go into the zoom recorder.

Speaker 2 I don't want to live forever. Leave this bullshit play.
I don't care. You're coming with me.
Oh, man. I'm bringing all my

Speaker 2 podcast friends.

Speaker 2 Ian.

Speaker 2 No, I don't want to be an eternity with Ian. We're all going to share a Zoom recorder and live in space in quest for Ian's father.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're looking for heaven.

Speaker 2 We're trying to find my dad.

Speaker 2 That sounds horrible, dude. I love the pleasures of the body.
Yeah. I love eating.
I love gluttony. I love having sex.
I love sucking on butt cheeks. I don't.
I feel like the body is a prison.

Speaker 2 Nah, the body, I love the body. I hate mine, but I love the body.

Speaker 2 I don't want to live in a world where I don't suck titties.

Speaker 2 I'm a pulse.

Speaker 2 I'm in a little fucking digital card. I'm a gigabyte.
No, thanks.

Speaker 2 I want to be a Tamagotchi.

Speaker 2 If I can fuck one of the Tamagotchis,

Speaker 2 if it gets to the point where... You just shove it in your ass and use it like a yoni egg.

Speaker 2 I would love, no, I want to be a digital version of a Tamagotchi.

Speaker 2 That's got to be, you know, like sharding is already pretty embarrassing, but like, what's the version of sharding where you're trying to Kegel on the bus?

Speaker 2 I just, I just

Speaker 2 carded.

Speaker 2 You what? I tried to Kegel and I shit all over my pants. Just butt plugs are coming out of your fucking

Speaker 2 pants sleeve.

Speaker 2 If I had no shame whatsoever, I would go to all the free yogas in New York City and shit myself at them. That would be awesome.
Just in white fucking joggers. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Jackass, and this is shitting yourself at free yoga. No joke, that's a good jackass.
It would be a good jackass. I can't believe they didn't do that, actually.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you're also an old guy, and you can see you're older. Maybe I should call up my close personal friend, Johnny Knoxville, and let him know this.
Are you guys boys? Yeah. When did you guys meet?

Speaker 2 We haven't. Oh.
I was hoping maybe that they would slide by.

Speaker 2 It's conceivable that you would be friends with Johnny Knoxville. Steve-O's out there.
Stevo's doing clubs. That's true.
Stapling his nuts to the fucking, to his thighs.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'll befriend Stevo and I'll pitch him my idea of shitting yourself at yoga.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he just steals it.

Speaker 2 He would, dude. Steve-O's got no fucking dignity.
Stealing it. That's me writing for Jackass.
Nice. That would be a great job.
It really, truly would be, dude. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 All right, so We-Man has to fight a bunch of other midges.

Speaker 2 We shove Wee Man in a woman's pussy and make her give birth to him at Ruby Tuesdays.

Speaker 2 Can I have the check now?

Speaker 2 Can I get paid, please, and go home?

Speaker 2 Oh fuck. They did a couple that was just like putting different kinds of dildos in their asses.
Different things in their asses.

Speaker 2 They put a firework in his in Steve-O's ass. They put a gold dildo.
I think Bam just put a dildo in his ass. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was pretty good. So no ass stuff.

Speaker 2 The car, of course, Ryan Dunn. Yeah.
Putting a car in his ass. I've seen Jackass.

Speaker 2 I'm familiar with all this stuff.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm trying to figure out what else could we do. What else could Jackass do? Yeah,

Speaker 2 Job's right. Ooh, how about if one of them is uncircumcised, you put a couple of slices of ham under their foreskin.
I like that show,

Speaker 2 like, What Would You Do? That's like woke Jackass. Really? There is a woke sound.
Yeah, it's on NBC Primetime. The guy that hosts it is like some fake race.

Speaker 2 Oh, that guy who looks like an Indian, but he's just Latino. Yeah, like Jeffrey Quinoa or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That guy.

Speaker 2 They're like, we, uh,

Speaker 2 and I'm sure I've talked about this on the show. I don't know if we have.
Well, yeah, it's always like,

Speaker 2 we sent a racist into a restaurant to not tip his black waitress.

Speaker 2 But what would happen if he was also retarded?

Speaker 2 And then they just like record strangers being like, should we confront this retarded man for being racist?

Speaker 2 That's good, man. That's actually a good, that sounds like a good show.
A lot, this is, and this is, I know it gets into conspiracy theory territory, but

Speaker 2 I truly believe

Speaker 2 that the Trayvon Martin incident was a botched episode of all the studios.

Speaker 2 I think

Speaker 2 the camera crew was there. They set up George Zimmerman

Speaker 2 to see what he would do.

Speaker 2 If a kid was like, and they just were not prepared.

Speaker 2 They're like, get the shit. We got to go.

Speaker 2 We got to get out of here. You don't know us, George? You've never seen us? Yeah.
We sent Subway Jared lookalike into Subway to have sex with a child in front of everyone to see what they would do.

Speaker 2 Don't worry, it's a fake, it's a prosthetic penis I'm using to fuck this child. We set up a dog fight in the middle of a black church

Speaker 2 and then brought a white Christian field trip in there and told them they were going to go see Black Panther.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 What would you do, hires Jackass?

Speaker 2 We sent a racist to put a race car in his ass.

Speaker 2 We sent a midget

Speaker 2 to staple his balls to the bulletin board at the community center.

Speaker 2 But get this. He sharpied the N-word on his ball.

Speaker 2 We had a waiter with Down syndrome, and then we had a rodeo clown not tip him.

Speaker 2 But what would happen if he tipped him with candy?

Speaker 2 Coming up next, What Would You Do, MTV2.

Speaker 2 MTV2s, What Would You Do? That's a good show, man. I'm in there.
I'm into that show. I fuck with it.
Oh, fuck, dude. I'm just, it's hard for me to podcast because I'm worried I'm going to die now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know, dude. I'm in a bad mood, too.
I don't want my friends to die.

Speaker 2 Not because I'll miss them or I feel bad for them, but because it's a reminder of my own mortality.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Thanks, dude.
That means a lot. That's the only way to process other people's deaths.
By remembering you're also going to die? Yeah. You make it about you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does feel like you probably will survive because you deserve it the least, you know? That's true. You have the least love in your heart, heart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that sucks, though. I'm insecure about it.
About having no emotions. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It does suck. When you realize, like, oh, yeah, I am just sort of an angry robot.

Speaker 2 You could go to therapy, man. I keep pitching this to you.
Then I go out and I see people like being friends with each other and listening to each other while they're speaking.

Speaker 2 It's rough, man. I'll be honest.

Speaker 2 Like, I wish I was one of those guys. But then I'll start talking to somebody, and they're like, oh.
And then we were supposed to go to the laundromat, but it was already closed.

Speaker 2 But it was three o'clock, and I'm like, I'm out of here. Right, right, right.
No, that is true.

Speaker 2 The trick is finding someone that doesn't have little dick-ass bitch-ass stories. I guess.
I just want to trick people into thinking that I have empathy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's all I want. You'll get there, dude.
You'll find the program to do it.

Speaker 2 I believe in you, dude. Yeah.
Maybe I should just move to Los Angeles where everyone's like me. That's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's why you hated hated it so much.
Right.

Speaker 2 Because you saw what you really were.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's partially true.

Speaker 2 Like, I would talk to my landlady, and like, we would just both be waiting for our turn to speak.

Speaker 2 And be like, man, everyone here sucks because they're just me.

Speaker 2 But they're also sexier than me. Yeah.
Well, that's not true. I was sexier than her.
Were you? But in L.A., you want to be a sexiest? I don't think L.A. is a particularly hot place.

Speaker 2 And I know that seems like a wild take. Nah.
Uh-oh. I wouldn't say so.
You wouldn't fuck the average person in LA? Nah.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's a huge city.

Speaker 2 That's true. I think Manhattan has probably the most attractive women.
You're probably right about that. Yeah, you walk around.

Speaker 2 These women are wearing like $900 Velcro shoes with no brand name on them. Oh, yeah.
You know those? I do know those.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they dress like...

Speaker 2 They look like fake clothes. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And all those clothes cost.
But all the leather is like from a fucking, like a very rare type of baby cow or some shit. And it costs so much fucking money.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's soft as shit. That's the thing.
That shitty clothes.

Speaker 2 What would you do if a retarded person walked into Subway wearing those clothes? Would you steal the clothes from him?

Speaker 2 I'm Abu Lita Quinoa. You're watching, what would you do?

Speaker 2 No, why would that even be a thing we would do?

Speaker 2 Look, sorry, this show's been on for nine seasons.

Speaker 2 We've been doing this for 18 years.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right. That is sort of fucked up because, look, man, you're just at Denny's.
Trying to have a nice time.

Speaker 2 It's like to catch a predator, they run out of, like, they finally catch all the pedophiles.

Speaker 2 And they're like, they just get into like, you know, we pretended to be a woman that was 45 pounds lighter than she is on the internet to lure men in here.

Speaker 2 Then the guys show up, and then it's like,

Speaker 2 it's like, we sent out the real woman.

Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 The guy's like, um,

Speaker 2 what is it?

Speaker 2 And they just tackle him. A bunch of fat bitches tackle him on the way out.
She's so beautiful.

Speaker 2 You don't even get to know her.

Speaker 2 To catch a guy living in 2007 in his head.

Speaker 2 To catch a guy who didn't get the memo.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, dude.

Speaker 2 Geez, yeah, I just keep... Nah, but it's cool.
I'll have a good-ass funeral. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude.
At White Castle. It'll be so much sadder.
A A little sliders for everybody.

Speaker 2 Because a fat guy, I'll die soon. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 No, I want everyone to have all you can-eat Korean barbecue at my funeral, man. Pass the Bulgogie.
Pass the dumplings around. Yeah, it would suck if you died, dude.
No, I'd probably.

Speaker 2 I'd probably before, like, you know, Bobby Kelly. Oh, my God, that would be brutal.
I'd be so mad dying. I'd have to kill Bobby on the way out.
I'd be like, Bobby, I have to speak to you.

Speaker 2 You're my mentor, and I love you. And then I just shoot him with a gun.
Yeah. I can't die before Bobby.
Right. Shit would suck, dude.
But I'm not going to. I'm going to live forever.

Speaker 2 I'm going to shake this shit off. And,

Speaker 2 you know, it's weird that people die. I've had a couple of friends die.
Yeah, because the thing is, you just, you don't forget, but it's like, just shit keeps moving. Yeah.
And it's like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like, yeah, they don't even fucking exist anymore. Who gives a fuck? You know, I mean, you remember every once in a while, you're sad as shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's also like the world that they lived in is gone. Like, my aunt died when I was really young, and it was so sad, but like, my life would be so much different.

Speaker 2 Like, I just never really existed in a world where she shaped my life after I was like seven. So, you're just like, Yeah, that sucks, dick, that she wasn't around, but you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like that tooth will never come back. No, I'm gonna have a belly.
Your hair will never come back. I'm gonna have a gold tooth.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna go going back. I'm gonna get a toothpaste.

Speaker 2 Once I get the tooth in, once I get the tooth implants, dude, I'm not stopping there. Yeah, I'm getting fucking peck implants, I'm getting bicep implants.

Speaker 2 I'm getting eight ball biceps, eight ball biceps, dude.

Speaker 2 But it's a magic eight ball, so I shake it and it's like, should you suck my dick? And guess what? The answer is always yes.

Speaker 2 I had some of that liquid latex left over, and I was very tempted to give myself epicantic folds

Speaker 2 in the bathroom the other night.

Speaker 2 Just for me, I wouldn't post it. Yeah, oh, definitely not.

Speaker 2 Yeah. New character I'm working on.

Speaker 2 The next come down live podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's me, full skin Eyelids.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man. I don't know.
I don't know. So, yeah, I've just basically gone to the doctor, gambling on chopped.
That's all I've really done the last couple of days. Gamble on chopped.

Speaker 2 You say who's going to win? Who's going to win? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun.
A little action. Getting back into gambling.
I'm starting to sports gamble again. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know.

Speaker 2 But and eating like shit again. I'm not doing drugs at least, but I feel like I might start again.

Speaker 2 I miss the sweet, sweet

Speaker 2 sweet baby rays. I miss that sweet baby line

Speaker 2 guzzling it, dude. Just

Speaker 2 I might get some fun. I'm gonna get a fucked up meal tonight.
Yeah? You want to come with me to the stand? Nah, bro. I'm already in my home.
I'm in my sweats. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm getting a cab down there. I'm going to order something.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I am in the throes of depression, but I'll be out of it.
What are you doing tomorrow?

Speaker 2 Can I come up here and do that that

Speaker 2 post office shit? What am I doing tomorrow? I finally got all those fucking labels from the post office.

Speaker 2 I was going to take the shirts with me right now, but it's like, I don't want to fucking have them sitting out at the stand. I feel like I have something to do with it.

Speaker 2 This is the kind of bullshit we should be figuring out off the show. Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry. That's not the best way to end the show.

Speaker 2 No, it's sorry. We got a hot riff in us right now.
I feel it, dude. I know, dude.
I'm fired up. I'm fired up.
I'm ready to drink my bodega coffee.

Speaker 2 I almost bought the beef jerky there, but they only had one of them, and it was on the floor. Bad sign.

Speaker 2 No, that place is fucked up.

Speaker 2 One time, there was

Speaker 2 like a like seven people just like strung out waiting. That's what was happening.
There was like a whole crew with a pit bull. Really? There's some girl out front.
And

Speaker 2 it's like one of those like hood rat white girls. And she's saying like,

Speaker 2 she's like, no, I'm telling you, I don't sell drugs. Okay.
I'm out here living on the streets. I got a kid.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 you're just trying to cram all that shit in while I'm walking, Pat.

Speaker 2 Of course, yeah, yeah. You're doing a character.
Of course.

Speaker 2 There's no way that those thoughts all combine into one. No, she's she's trying to scare another white person, you know, to show that she's a bad person.
I already told you, I don't sell drugs.

Speaker 2 I'm out here living on the streets. I got a kid.

Speaker 2 What was the prompt?

Speaker 2 Bro, hey, do you got any weed? I don't sell drugs. I'm out here living on the streets.
I got a kid. Okay, you could have just said no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Mm-hmm.
Bitch.

Speaker 2 You fucking dump it. And then you fucking backhanded.
You got to be respectful.

Speaker 2 But there were people waiting there one time, and they looked strung out as shit, and they were like, do you, And one guy walked up to the

Speaker 2 register and was like, Are there any cigarettes here yet? And the guy was like, Nope. And just behind him was

Speaker 2 every cigarette. Like, cigarettes was clearly a fucking code word for something, dude.
Yeah. Yeah, it's just, they're fucked up over there.
It was just weird because every bodega sells drugs.

Speaker 2 Like my bodega, they sell drugs, but the guys are like,

Speaker 2 you think they do? They're like, Alex, do we have any new

Speaker 2 diesel? Hashemed Kadam.

Speaker 2 They just speak Arabic whenever they want to, but you can hear them. They're like,

Speaker 2 Your guys are good, though. They're friendly and nice.

Speaker 2 My guys, I don't trust them, dude. Yeah.
Blue-eyed Arabs. I don't trust.
Yeah, dude. They'd say the Yemeni guy that just fucking flagrantly uses the N-word.
He rules.

Speaker 2 Constantly referring to himself as the N-word. Black guys come in.
He's fucking immediately calling them the N-word.

Speaker 2 Get out of my door again. I'm not even like that, but like, you know.
And nobody questions him. Because he's cool, dude.
He's laid back. He's chilled out.

Speaker 2 You could for sure, dude.

Speaker 2 In your neighborhood,

Speaker 2 looking like you do. I would love that.

Speaker 2 With your general energy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just, I fucking hate all this.

Speaker 2 The guys that look like me that go in there.

Speaker 2 And you have a good day, too. Yeah, yeah.
Those guys are the worst. Absolutely, brother.
Yeah, we talked about that, but we did. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Well, let's look at the current events, you know?

Speaker 2 I'll go to EFU.

Speaker 2 On E-Fuck.com.

Speaker 2 I guess Trump called for gun control. Oh, that was hilarious.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This one's called

Speaker 2 That's Gotta Fucking Hurt.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it looks like some big dildo or something is going into someone's pussy. Anyway, that's the EFUCT.
That's the news setting.

Speaker 2 I got a fucking pimple forming in my ear canal. Damn, dude.
You know how fucking annoying that is? It's the worst. That's almost as bad as having your tooth ripped out of your skull.

Speaker 2 Having someone take pliers and fucking looking up at a man. Damn, the world's Yankees suck.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine how, like, I think about, like, you know, yeah, it would have been shitty to live in like the 1800s and get your like hands sucked into a machine and you just die in a factory for a penny a day.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But like, what also would have sucked is like being my age in like 1994.
Right, right. You have to like beat off the bay watch.
Oh my god. Yeah, that's why

Speaker 2 it was so popular. It was poor.
You could see nipples. Because you could jack off to David Hasselhoff.
Hasselhoff's beautiful fucking.

Speaker 2 He's a Maryland boy. Is he? I think so, yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you used to beat off to that. You used to have to like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, just show up, make plans with somebody.

Speaker 2 That's good. Yeah.
David jacked me off. Trump stuns lawmakers with calls for gun control.
He rules, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I was saying the other day, it's like, you know, him saying that he would go into that.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. And it's perfect.
And I don't know if I said this on the show. No.

Speaker 2 It's like he's because to say, like, you know, I mean,

Speaker 2 if it were me, I would have gone in there, no weapon. You know,

Speaker 2 even without a weapon. What they would have done.
But

Speaker 2 he goes, and I think he starts off by saying, like, you know, you can't say what you would do in that situation, but I would have gone in there.

Speaker 2 He's saying I think I would.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he acknowledges that you can't do that.

Speaker 2 You.

Speaker 2 He can. He's got the best rhetorical strategies of all kinds.

Speaker 2 So he admits that, like, what he's saying is, like, I know

Speaker 2 in the general, this is not a statement that you can make, but there's an exception for me. But regardless of that, what makes it so great is like

Speaker 2 what he's saying is so disrespectful to the police officers that responded. I know, I know.
And it's like, that's what people have been waiting for is for a president to say, fuck the police. I know.

Speaker 2 And he just sort of did it.

Speaker 2 And he did it in a way that pisses off everybody. It's awesome.
And that's how you, that's fucking punk rock, dude. That's trolling, honestly.
That's good-ass trolling.

Speaker 2 He's the best president that's ever lived.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you can't see that, there's something fucking mentally wrong with you. You know, you're not an intellectual genius.

Speaker 2 No, a brain genius with a big heart

Speaker 2 penius

Speaker 2 somebody sent me a shirt that says tiny dick big heart that's good it's great they sent you one too what really sit in my drawer yeah i got it an extra oh i can't wait yeah that's my shirt

Speaker 2 that really that does describe i forgot about it damn yeah i mean it's not tiny it's just i would describe it as any we lose even a fucking you know even a set a millimeter were it small but right now we're just not small my dick is just barely not small just barely right you use that hanger i got you i still have yet to use it.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, don't throw it out.
I'm not.

Speaker 2 You've got to use it at least once. I definitely will.
The cock pump will get used. Do you need me to buy you some lead weights to hang on there, too? That would be nice.

Speaker 2 Because I don't really know how to do it. So I stretch my cock with it or it strengthens my cock.
I'm lifting weights with my cock. No, it stretches it out.

Speaker 2 I basically put my soft cock in there and it stretches it out. It clamps down on your dick and then it hangs there.

Speaker 2 And then I'm assuming it works like a traction device would,

Speaker 2 where over time, time, you just stretch out the dick tissues. Okay.
Now, I don't know if what amount of weight would be

Speaker 2 enough to stimulate. Yeah,'cause you gotta hit like a you know

Speaker 2 cock off. Right, exactly.
Like, if you're trying to like gauge out your ears, you gotta like slowly go up.

Speaker 2 They do a thing called scalpeling, I think, where they'll let you they'll just cut a thing in there and you can get started with an even bigger hole. But

Speaker 2 yeah, you like there's a method to stretching out tissue.

Speaker 2 Now, I don't know if it even would make your hard dick bigger. It'll probably make

Speaker 2 your dick limp permanently forever.

Speaker 2 I don't know that I can afford that.

Speaker 2 That's another thing. I can't afford any size loss.
I can't do any school punk rock earlobe dick. That would be kind of nice.
Yeah. I'm going to use it on my foreskin is what I'm going to do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Stretch out my foreskin. That is a thing.
Then we're in business. You can do that.
There are people that do like to stretch out their foreskin.

Speaker 2 Or see that picture of that guy that he's got some kind of thing over his dick and balls, and he's hanging upside down from his dick like a bat. No, but that rocks.

Speaker 2 I want to see that shit. I'm about to Google that shit right now.
That shit rolls. Anyways, we're done with the show.

Speaker 2 Guys, come to, if you're in Philly, come fucking see me on March 17th at the Good Good Motherfucking Comedy Theater.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, come to Funny Moms on the 12th. We're going to start

Speaker 2 saying it now because the last one sucked dick. Yeah, and

Speaker 2 make sure to tweet it at him and tell him to tweet the flyer up for the show.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 to do a power move on me, he didn't tweet it out last year. Yes, that's right.
And only five people showed up. The art of fucking manipulation.
And I'm also on a show at the stand on Tuesday the 6th

Speaker 2 at 8. If you want to come out to that.
Yeah. I'm at.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Some fucking shit in Boston on March 27th.
I post it on Instagram if you want to come. Yeah, go see Nick if you're in Boston.
That's a great show, dude. You're going to have fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm excited, dude. I've been writing more.
Me too, dude. That's the one thing.
We have actually gotten better at at stand-up.

Speaker 2 And we're going to kill ourselves. Yeah, yeah.
We're more depressed, which actually makes sense. I'm back in the stand-up now.

Speaker 2 I've rediscovered my first love, the only thing I ever cared about, really. It's true.
It is the only thing I ever care about. Social media destroyed my life.
I know.

Speaker 2 You're great at Twitter, though. No, Twitter is.
You get a run. It's funny.
I logged into that NYC Guido voice account just to tweet out that Italian shirt.

Speaker 2 And as soon as I tweeted out, people are like, fucking sell out.

Speaker 2 And unfollowed. Someone wrote that.
Like, shame. This used to be a funny account.

Speaker 2 Suck my dick, you fucking piece of shit. What kind of fucking cynical shithole is Twitter now?

Speaker 2 It's just like, you know, because I don't use it. Yeah, yeah.
And it's like a room filled with, you know, that I don't go in. And I just, I'm like, oh, what's in here?

Speaker 2 And I just, people like, and fuck you. This is, I, because politically, I don't, you know, you don't, because it's literal human garbage.
The right side is just screaming at each other. It sucks.

Speaker 2 I just throw jokes in there. Yeah.
That's it, baby. Yeah.
I just talk about it. Instagram's where it's at, dude.
I do fuck with a Gram. Stop me, baby, too, baby.

Speaker 2 And if you can't do Instagram and you prefer Twitter, you're a fucking loser. Tell them, Nick.
You're a fucking loser. Don't hold back all these fucking hoes.
I'm not. I'm not.

Speaker 2 Call them bitches, dude. We sent a retarded guy to use Twitter.

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 And he just told all his friends about it, and now that's basically what Twitter is. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We sent a retarded guy to work at Vice Media and cover politics.

Speaker 2 And he just started raping all the girls. We sent a retarded girl to Vice Media Media to cover politics, and now he's pitching a TV show.

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure she's retarded, but

Speaker 2 we can't not give her a development deal. The fucking cameras are here.
It's clearly a show.

Speaker 2 We can't say nothing. The cameraman's also retarded.
Everyone's going to accuse us of sexism if we don't buy her show where she just eats candy for socialism.

Speaker 2 She just eats Karl Marx candy.

Speaker 2 Caramel Marx.

Speaker 2 Karl Mars bars.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's so many fucking options. Yeah, there's a lot there.

Speaker 2 The communist

Speaker 2 manic.

Speaker 2 Manic

Speaker 2 Monte Cristo. Monte Cristo.
It's a sandwich. It's a sandwich.
Yeah, but you put put candy. Monte Cristo with candy in it.
And that's the riff, folks. Thanks for listening.