Ep. 91 – Cum Town Classic

Speaker 1 Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is just when I want my wardrobe to be simple.
Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things I'll actually wear. For me, that's Quince.

Speaker 1 And the bonus, Quince pieces make a great gift, too. This season's lineup is simple but smart and easy with Quince.

Speaker 1 $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feel like everyday luxury, and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable.

Speaker 1 Their denim nails, the fit, and everyday comfort, all at a fraction of what you'd expect to pay.

Speaker 1 By partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost, ooh, half the cost of other high-end brands.

Speaker 1 So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. Guys, with Christmas around the corner, my girlfriend has added two extra names to my Christmas list this year.

Speaker 1 Her father and brother. And what am I getting them? I'm getting them $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters.
But, guys, I've never seen a Mongolian cashmere sweater for under $350.

Speaker 1 So take advantage of what is clearly

Speaker 1 some sort of glitch on their website with $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Guys, give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince.

Speaker 1 Go to quince.com/slash TAFS for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too.
that's quince.com slash tafs free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t a f s

Speaker 2 little stupid us oh yeah so

Speaker 2 uh so i was at the uh

Speaker 2 the i was telling stavros earlier but this now it's for the fans uh-huh uh hit him with it baby i was at this uh they got this bodega that's korean this little like korean grocery grocery store, and it's like a nice place.

Speaker 2 You know, it's well lit. It's not like the it's not filled with flies and dust like a normal bodega.
That's right.

Speaker 2 They got like

Speaker 2 you know, a cool, like oh if you go into a bodega and all the raps have like clever names. Yes.
You know, that always throws me off when you go into a bodega and like the

Speaker 2 any thought has been put in the right. The raps are named like the the Merovingian.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Merovingian, you know, and it's like this Matrix-inspired

Speaker 2 or the Billy Joel, and then the guys working there are like, what's on this jewel?

Speaker 2 Who named these?

Speaker 2 I know it wasn't Muhammad. Right, right, right.
He's barely wearing a shirt. Oh, yes.
You know? My man's got a dirty-ass bead.

Speaker 2 My Muslim friend over here. You know what I'm talking about? Muslims don't know how to name Sam.
My Muzzo.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do they...

Speaker 2 Who are we hanging out with who called someone a Muzzo? Brandon. Somebody called somebody a Muzzo? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that Brandon.

Speaker 2 The British guy. What's that? Brandon Burns.
Brandon Burns, yeah. Yeah, he called someone a Muzzo.
And you heard that? I was like,

Speaker 2 he said he's got a Muzzo beard. Muzzo beard.
It sounded racist, but maybe it's just a fun

Speaker 2 thing they say over there. Yeah.
I don't know. Well, they have those beards.
I don't know what's wrong. Doesn't Muzzo sound like a slur? Sure, because it's shorter.
It has O at the end.

Speaker 2 Are there any slurs that end in O?

Speaker 2 Dago. That's true.
That's what it was. Yeah.
Dago sounds so good.

Speaker 2 That one, you feel nice. Negro.

Speaker 2 I think you can say that. No, N-I-G-R-O.
That's That's like how the Klan says Negro. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like a southern.
It's a racist way to pronounce it.

Speaker 2 They put a little sting on it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll say Negro, but then in front of a camera, that's how they say the N-word, basically, even in the 60s.

Speaker 2 Anyways, I'm in this bodega, this nice Korean bodega, and they're just blasting that

Speaker 2 little stupid-ass bitch, I don't fuck with you. Big Sean, I don't fuck with you.
I don't fuck with you. And it's just on way too loud, you know?

Speaker 2 And it was like, there could be families coming right right right right right we're in New York City there's families about absolutely everyone knows that about you Nick you're a family values type of guy you know you're always worried about yeah I said what if a child heard this fucking shit yes yes what if some dumb fucking cunt child heard this shit heard this black bullshit

Speaker 2 yeah then the kid's gonna want to fuck black guys

Speaker 2 I'm tired of dealing I dealt with that in the adult world enough That's why I started fucking children in the first place. So I don't have to worry about getting cucked.

Speaker 2 Because being a pedophile is a white issue.

Speaker 2 So good. A guy who becomes a pedophile.
He's not even a tragedy. I just got tired of my girlfriend's fucking black guys.

Speaker 2 You know, children, there's no black pedophiles, so I don't have to worry about it.

Speaker 2 Anyways, yeah, they're blasting that. I put a really kicks in around age 13.

Speaker 2 I get up to the register, and

Speaker 2 the Korean guy behind the counter is like, this stupid ass beach, I don't fuck with you.

Speaker 2 Singing along.

Speaker 2 That's nice, man. Little melting pot.

Speaker 2 That's the kind of anecdote you guys are going to get on this one. This is, some might say, officially the start of Come Town Season 2 because we're back to basics, baby.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Adam's gone, and we didn't replace him. Yeah, we just said, fuck it.
And we're doing an Astoria, like the first one ever. Yeah.
Yeah, it was a nice 68 degrees in beautiful New York-ass city today.

Speaker 2 And I I rode my bicycle all the way up here. My bicycle, which somebody stole the pump off my bike.
What a fucking prick. I know.
It was a $15 bicycle pump. Maybe he needed it for his cock.

Speaker 2 Well, which you, I mean, I don't need that. I don't have that issue anymore because I have a beautiful Hercules cock pump, which I honestly have yet to try, unfortunately.
But we'll get there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, try it out. You know, let the fans know.
I certainly spent a lot of money on it, so I would hope you. I appreciate it, man.
It's not going to go to waste. At least take it out of the box.

Speaker 2 It's already been out of the box. You know, I've already kind of looked at it.
Yeah, we did that at the live show.

Speaker 2 I've fucked a couple times since,

Speaker 2 and I have not used it, but

Speaker 2 I'm off all

Speaker 2 even the weird

Speaker 2 gas station dick pills. I'm off everything.
And I got to say, my dick is back to being like. Gas station dick pills would be a great name for like a really shitty punk band.

Speaker 2 Your friend's band. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, oh, I got to go see, I got to go see the pills.

Speaker 2 The pills are playing. Yeah, oh, yeah.
The pills are playing Jonathan's

Speaker 2 next week.

Speaker 2 All their songs are named after brands.

Speaker 2 Rhino X and fucking Samurai Hentai. There's one where it's Ryu and it's like Street Fighter characters just having sex with each other.
Ryu and Kenny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, no, no, it's Ryu and the bitch with the fans. I was either, I started off, I wanted to get a shirt.

Speaker 2 The next shirt idea is

Speaker 2 Tailspin Baloo, fucking coconut bra drag

Speaker 2 balloo from the King Louis scene in Jungle Book. Now, explain to me sort of the backstory there.

Speaker 2 Is that all happening in Baloo's head? No. Is that easy beating off or something?

Speaker 2 Well, I wanted to get I wanted to get initially what I wanted was either on either bicep or either ass cheek, tailspin blue, and then coconut bra drag balloo from the King Louis scene.

Speaker 2 That's what me also me. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Tweet that. Yeah, I'm saying.

Speaker 2 The two genders. The two worlds.
Yeah, that's the two genders. Is tailspin balloo and coconut bra, drag scene,

Speaker 2 King Louis scene blue?

Speaker 2 Anyways, yeah. You should.
And I vote for Ass Cheek, by the way. It would be a good look.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I would love to see that.
You know, that porn angle where it's just the guy's ass and his balls for some reason.

Speaker 2 And you can just sort of see the woman's thighs and feet, and you don't really see any of her. Yeah, it feels like a hack thing to bring up.

Speaker 2 Like, I feel like I've heard other people talk about this, but it took a while for them to stop doing male face close-ups and pornography. It really did.

Speaker 2 They used to just do like, and then there's a lot of people who are going to be able to die being like, oh, a shot of the guy enjoying himself.

Speaker 2 I don't want to see that at all. Nobody wants to see that.
And never. Who's that for?

Speaker 2 Closeted gay men.

Speaker 2 Probably. I mean, I don't think you're closeted if you're.
But then why are you watching Stray Porn?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Imagine being that far in the closet.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know? Maybe it's for those Kinsey fellas. Although, if you wanted to fuck a man's ass and he's plowing the woman, maybe that's who that ball angle's for, too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're seeing an ass kind of open.

Speaker 2 Sneaky Sammy. You know, the guy who likes to come in while you're fucking a girl and you're like, this pussy feels great.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 And he's like, hello. Hello, boys.
And he's fucking your ass. Whoa, dude.
That's...

Speaker 2 What's that? What's that one? The Houdini is already something. What should it be called? Well, the Houdini is,

Speaker 2 what is that one again? Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 you and your friend switch real quick, and then you're fucking outside of a window. Oh, right.
It's rape. The Houdini is rape.
Yeah, the woman is

Speaker 2 to

Speaker 2 be a Schumer's joke. Yeah, the woman has to be facing a window.
Yes,

Speaker 2 there's a lot of logistics in those. Yeah.
You know? I think that's a privileged thing that you would assume people have access to a window.

Speaker 2 Well, a window large enough, a bay window.

Speaker 2 Some of us don't have windows, and we don't have friends either that's right you need a first floor apartment that's true or

Speaker 2 or one of those one of those uh window washer things

Speaker 2 you know i at first i was gonna say the clamps but that's not a real guy the spider you the you know the guys that will try and climb hundred story buildings every once in a while yeah yeah

Speaker 2 i also like that the premise of that is you and your friend have to have the same dick same exact size dick and you also have to kind of like the rhythm you have to really catch it just right right i don't think is any

Speaker 2 like how what woman is that out of it, you know,

Speaker 2 that she doesn't know. No, she's drugged, in which case, like, it's already rape.
Yeah, there's eight different layers of rape involved here. Yeah, um,

Speaker 2 that's another good punk band. Eight layers of rape, eight layers of rape, also, the

Speaker 2 dip, also, yeah,

Speaker 2 eight layers of rape is another uh

Speaker 2 a nice casserole.

Speaker 2 Um, I feel like we were talking about something before that, Were we? Porn, the guy's ass.

Speaker 2 Why were we talking about porn? Did I bring it up?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, yeah, you did. God damn it.
Do you want to move the recorder closer to me?

Speaker 2 We don't have a table. Oh, we should address, too, that Adam is

Speaker 2 in L.A. Yeah, he had to go to Los Angeles and cancel doing the podcast so he could hang out with Brandon Wardell,

Speaker 2 who

Speaker 2 cucked him, who hang out, cucked him. Yeah, yeah, he told him he was in a fight with his girlfriend, right? What a fucking asshole.
That was a real dick move, for sure.

Speaker 2 I don't mind even saying that publicly because if you're going to do something

Speaker 2 that rude to a friend,

Speaker 2 even a fucking piece of shit friend, like Adam. Like Adam, like a gay guy, like a gay bitch like Adam.
Adam got some bad news recently, too.

Speaker 2 I don't want to put his business out there, but it turns out

Speaker 2 all those jokes we were making about his dick being really small. Him being gay, he was.
It's true, the test came back. Yeah.
And he's medically homosexual. So we're going going to start a

Speaker 2 no,

Speaker 2 he did get some bad news, though.

Speaker 2 Can we talk about that? No, I mean, well, no, I mean, just

Speaker 2 take it easy on Adam, I guess. We don't have to go into his business, but yeah.
No, he got some pretty bad news.

Speaker 2 He's been banned from Israel.

Speaker 2 It sucks, man. He was just trying to go to the Hooters in Tel Aviv.
Yeah, that was his safety country, was Israel.

Speaker 2 In case he's no longer welcome in the United States,

Speaker 2 should things go according to plan.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, we're doing the podcast in Eldis's room. Yeah, we're in Eldis' room.
He's in Paris right now. He did not give me permission to use his room.
He's in Paris, huh? Mm-hmm. By himself?

Speaker 2 No, he's with his girlfriend. Oh.
Yeah, it would be funny if he went by himself. Yeah, that seems like a thing he would do.
Yeah, he went on a crepe-tasting tour of Paris. I love the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to meet the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 2 Have you been to Gay Pali? Yeah, he just got he rents a bicycle and his pants get sucked into the spokes like Homer.

Speaker 2 It's a clown when Homer has to be crusty.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Yeah, so yeah, it was very nice.
And we've already fucked it up pretty good with stuff.

Speaker 2 He can suck my nuts as far as I'm concerned. Amen to that.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 So, yes, we are in Eldis's room. I just took a fat shit in his bathroom.
He's got a private bathroom. Amen.
Why the fuck does, why is that the the thing they say in the Bible? Oh, interesting.

Speaker 2 I never thought of that. Yeah.
I mean, I think that's pretty good evidence that Jesus is black. Mm-hmm.
Because only black people say amen. Well, you know, I mean, like,

Speaker 2 amen. You're right.

Speaker 2 That's all that. I don't need to be convinced further than that.
That's true. Done and done.
Although, wouldn't he be like Egyptian looking or some shit? Would he really be black?

Speaker 2 He was black, dude. Jesus was Black Panther.
Oh, shit. I haven't seen that.
Have you seen the movie yet?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I'm going to tour it. I buy most movies now, but I'm going to steal that one.
I was making myself laugh the other day. It's like

Speaker 2 that one, huh? That one specifically.

Speaker 2 I was making myself laugh the other day because it's like, I was going to go see Black Panther, but I hate all that Marvel bullshit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was going to go by myself, and it's like, I should probably be high for this. Sure.
And it's like, well, it's Black Panther, so I should probably smoke crack instead of weed.

Speaker 2 In a dashiky, smoking crack.

Speaker 2 smoking crack in a theater

Speaker 2 god damn dude. Hell yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we should go, we should hit up Harlem, you know, yeah, smoke crack in the chicies,

Speaker 2 go to Magic Johnson. Yeah, yeah, just like one of those one of those white guys that goes way too hard into trying to like, you know, patronize black people.

Speaker 2 What is up, my brother? Just keep on on crack. Blessings, my brother.
I cannot wait to see Black Panther. I'm on crack right now as a gesture to you and your people.

Speaker 2 I started smoking the beautiful rock.

Speaker 2 Africa's beautiful rock.

Speaker 2 Like the mother diamond that gave birth to us all. Beautiful crack rock.

Speaker 2 We are all brothers and sisters and children of crack.

Speaker 2 Mother crack rock. We all.
The first man smoked crack. That's the circle of life, baby.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 The earliest man was from Africa and he smoked crack. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's fucked up what they're doing in those crack mines in Zimbabwe. Yeah.
Forcing young

Speaker 2 African spirits.

Speaker 2 That's the real blood diamond. Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm. Crack.

Speaker 2 The blood diamond. A guy's asshole.
A gay guy's asshole. Yeah.
I was going to see that's where we're released, Missing Adam, because I was going to say

Speaker 2 out of habit, the blood diamond, I was going to say Adam's asshole, but he's not here.

Speaker 2 Well, it's important that I stay focused because I can't have this be a shit episode and then people think that Adam is necessary to the show.

Speaker 2 The problem is that we just went and got all that shitty shit. We had a beautiful day.
We had a nice day. It was a nice day, but that barbecue is fucking terrible.
We really loaded up on

Speaker 2 shitty brisket and burnt ends. I don't want to say the name of the place.
Because, you know what, I gave like a glowing review to the smoke joint, and then they followed me on Instagram.

Speaker 2 So I forget that people actually listened to this shit. Right.
Yeah, we shouldn't trash it, but it wasn't great. Yeah, not this.
This is not, I didn't go to the smoke joint. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Let that on the record, the smoke joint's good. Although I will say, if you are in Queens and you want barbecue, you should go to John Brown's smokehouse rather than

Speaker 2 the place we went. Yes.
So there's only two barbecue places that I know of. Yes, yes, yes.
One of them is god-awful. And if you wind up there, you should make sure you let your waitress know.

Speaker 2 That Nick Mullen, a guy she will know. That, yeah.

Speaker 2 We had a beautiful day though, and it was was nice, dude.

Speaker 2 It was that weather where I realized, fuck, it's not going to be cold. I'm going to have to be fat in less layers soon.
Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now all the working out that you do that I was calling you gay for. Yeah.
It's about to come in handy. It's going to pay off, dude.
Sun's out, guns out. Right around the corner.
Fuck.

Speaker 2 I got to get big guns, dude. Yeah.
How do I get my arms big and nothing else big, Nick?

Speaker 2 I mean, you just do curls. Curls? Yeah, curls and like rowing, I guess.

Speaker 2 Rows help. Heavy rows and then switch, move over to curls.
I'm just going to fucking curl, dude. Nice pump.
I'm going to be, you're going to catch me in a fucking beater every time.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just stick your arms in that tube the dick sucking machine I got you? You think that would help? Yeah, for sure. Just

Speaker 2 cock pump my arms. Yeah.
Ooh, does it work for muscle biceps as well? It should. Okay.
I mean,

Speaker 2 theoretically.

Speaker 2 Man, it is a it it's I am fucking sleepy.

Speaker 2 That fucking barbecue really hit your ass, huh? It did. I just checked the time to see how far we are.
We've done three and a half minutes. We've done

Speaker 2 eight minutes and 30 seconds. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I felt like we had a hot first five minutes. No, we're doing good.
We're fine.

Speaker 2 I had something I wanted to talk about specifically for Come Town. What are these dumbass books that Eldis has? You want to roast those? Butterfly stories?

Speaker 2 Well, he's got 100 Years of Solitude, which, like, not a bad book, but you should have read that when you were much younger, Eldis. You're 37 years old.

Speaker 2 Fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Butterfly stories. That does sound gay.
Yeah. I will admit.
A book that just says Karl Marx on it. Does it for real? Yeah, that's it.
That's pretty funny. And then psychoanalysis and psychopathology.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Damn.

Speaker 2 Eldous is trying to be smart. Yeah, he really does.
He should lean into being a fucking idiot because he's just as stupid as I am, and I'm very stupid. Yeah.
But he likes to pretend he's smart.

Speaker 2 I also like that he hides his scale under his bed.

Speaker 2 Oh, he has not looked at that for a while, man. Like it was a gun.

Speaker 2 My man has not fucking hit the damn scale at all. He's getting fat as hell.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, everybody's getting fat, except me. Yeah, it's annoying.
I wish you were fat again, dude. Yeah.
You were humble and sad when you were fat. I know.
Now you're a peacock. I am.

Speaker 2 You're peacock and you got your feathers out, dude. I got to be hot, dude.

Speaker 2 That's my main mental focus is not on writing bits or making sure the show goes well. It's

Speaker 2 maintaining

Speaker 2 hot and maintaining hot status. When was the hottest you've ever been in your life? Do you remember? When I was like 23.
Did you fuck a ton at that age? No, not really.

Speaker 2 I'm just kind of always in a relationship, I guess.

Speaker 2 And you don't want to let the hog out and run, do you?

Speaker 2 I don't like,

Speaker 2 it's kind of a burden. It's like a drag to just fuck all like a bunch of different people yeah it does get emotional

Speaker 2 yeah it's well it's not emotional it's just like it's just fucking annoying there's like all the texture sticks a lot of texting you realize you're fuck if you fuck one person you're fucking a lot more for sure and it's better quality fucking to have to like yeah like every time just be like so what do you do the first time yeah

Speaker 2 i remember there was i was doing that i was like fucking you know whoever and i had to like read some girl sent me like some paper she wrote in college.

Speaker 2 She's like, Read it, let me know what you think. And I'm like, What the fuck? Yeah,

Speaker 2 you met on Tinder. The price to bust this nut is far too high, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I see, dude. That's what I'm saying.
That woman should be in jail. Oh, yeah, she's gonna, she's gonna get what's coming to her, if you know what I'm saying.
Don't you worry, pal.

Speaker 2 We sent some goons over to her house, yeah, some uh, some of uh our Miramax friends.

Speaker 2 Hey, you want to be in the movies?

Speaker 2 I saw an article where

Speaker 2 I wonder how Harvey Weinstein's doing in sex rehab. Yeah, well, the way they cure it, it's kind of like a fever where it's like you have to feed a fever.
My man looks like he also needs Chex Rehab.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Been eating too much Chex mix, Harvey.

Speaker 2 Take that, Harvey. You sexy bitch.
Oh, he's so hot, dude. He is, dude.
Yeah, that's your body idol, right? You want to get to that point. Did you see Dane Cook lately?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he looks identical to Harvey Weinstein. It's unbelievable.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is so funny because he was like the comedian that takes his shirt off. Yeah.
And he wasn't ever in shape, really. He just wasn't disgusting.
I think he had like a run of being sort of in shape.

Speaker 2 All he did was work out. Bobby used to tour with him back then, back when Bobby was like in shape.

Speaker 2 Bobby's had the most hilarious bodies of all time because he used to actually be ripped and now he's fat as hell. But he said there was a run where he hit because Bobby lived in L.A.

Speaker 2 with Dane Cook and they would like run up the canyon or whatever the fuck, whatever canyons out there that everyone runs. Yeah, and then he was ripped and shit.

Speaker 2 I mean, he probably fucked a ton back in those days. Who, Bobby? No, I mean, Bobby, yes, but Dane Cook.
He fucked. He was the first guy to fuck off MySpace.
Maybe the only guy to fuck off MySpace.

Speaker 2 No, I fucked off MySpace. You did? Everyone fucked off.
You fucked off MySpace? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was late to the MySpace game. I didn't trust it.
I thought it was like a scam. That's how I didn't have the internet at all.
And like, my fan, like, I was like, you put your picture on it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 How about a character named Shane Cook instead of Dane Cook? And we fuck kids. That's That's good.

Speaker 2 Wow, that's really good. Yeah, yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2 What else, man?

Speaker 2 What are the Dane Cook characters? Bane Cook. Bane Cook.
He's like,

Speaker 2 Yeah, you something about the dark. B.K.

Speaker 2 The B.K. Lounge.

Speaker 2 You merely adopted the dark. I painted it all over my face.

Speaker 2 He also does black face.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's that's pretty good. That was the first design for Bane.

Speaker 2 This guy's got a bunch of chocolate all over his mouth. It was simple, dude.
He's streamlined. Yeah, it would be great if there's a scene where they pull off Bane's mask and he's got big,

Speaker 2 big lips, big fake lips.

Speaker 2 Just Kylie Jenner lips.

Speaker 2 That's why he talks like that. He's his lip gloss.

Speaker 2 He's just got huge DSLs under there. Oh, Batman.

Speaker 2 He is Batman. Hey, what's up, dude?

Speaker 2 Batman's like, I'm coming in my pants.

Speaker 2 You weren't prepared for this. That's a secret weapon.
He just gets Batman hard and horny as shit.

Speaker 2 Big Angelina. Put the mask back on.

Speaker 2 I'm afraid I can't do that, Batman. Big Angelina Joe Lee looks

Speaker 2 just saunters over. What do we have here?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 The character's name is Brain

Speaker 2 and he sucks Dan.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Just in the middle of Dark Night, or whatever that movie was called, you had just a seven-minute scene of Brain sucking his cock POV.

Speaker 2 And then it goes right back in.

Speaker 2 When Gotham is in ashes, then you have my permission to come.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Oh, that's good, man.

Speaker 2 I love brain. Yeah, dude.
Brain's my favorite.

Speaker 2 And then instead of Joker, there's Joker. Yeah.
And this is the Joker. And he's obsessed with getting his dick longer and bigger.

Speaker 2 You want to see how I got my dick out this hard?

Speaker 2 Instead of two-faced, it's two inches.

Speaker 2 Maybe we should listen to the Joker. No, we can't listen to him.

Speaker 2 Maybe the Joker's got some idea. No, my dick's fine.

Speaker 2 Rachel!

Speaker 2 She couldn't ever come.

Speaker 2 It's my fault. I could have done more.
I could have hit the back walls.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. How about instead of Two Faces, it's Two Race.
Two Race. Ooh,

Speaker 2 half blackface. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like deciding whether or not to kill Batman. He's like, it's not up to me.
Then he flips a coin and comes back on the scratch side. And he's like, she's about to bust a cabin yard.

Speaker 2 Harvey, you're better than this.

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck. Yeah, that's good, man.
That's really good.

Speaker 2 And how about this? Gay Alfred.

Speaker 2 Masterwine,

Speaker 2 I just want to suck you off.

Speaker 2 Ever since you was a little boy, the only thing I could think about was sucking you off.

Speaker 2 When your parents died, I made a promise to them. They always suck you off one guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, pal.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There's some other.
Oh, this is a Batman. Now I'm going out of the movies, but there's a Batman villain named The Clock King.
Oh, well, that one's the cock.

Speaker 2 The cockring. The cockring.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the guy who has

Speaker 2 that puppet? You know that guy?

Speaker 2 Puppet? I don't remember what the guy's called, but in the animated series, he's like, the boss is the puppet. The mob boss is the puppet.

Speaker 2 That sounds sort of familiar. Nah, fuck him.
Forget it. Penguin?

Speaker 2 Penguin? The peg Gwen. Pegwen.
And then he gets pegged. Peng.

Speaker 2 Scatwoman. Scatwoman.

Speaker 2 Yep. She's got a bunch of shit in her pussy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's exactly like Catwoman. What do you make of of it, Batman? There's a bunch of feces all over the diamonds.

Speaker 2 Looks like it was Scatwoman.

Speaker 2 She tried to sneak them out in her pussy, and they fell out because it's too loose.

Speaker 2 Yeah, very good, very good. Poison Ivy, what do we got?

Speaker 2 Poison H. Ivy.
There he is. It's just a gay guy in green in a green shirt.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Dr. Freeze.
Oh, yeah, Mr. Freeze.
Mr. Freeze.
He was a doctor.

Speaker 2 He's not Dr. Freeze? No, he's not, is he? He's Mr.
Freeze.

Speaker 2 But he's got an accent, so he's Mr. Geez.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I can't wait to cheese.

Speaker 2 My wife is dead, so I have frozen all of my cheese

Speaker 2 so I can make a baby when I bring her back.

Speaker 2 He's freezing gallons in his own calm

Speaker 2 in the hopes that he'll be able to bring his wife back.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I think we got all the meat off that bone.

Speaker 2 Where are we at on time?

Speaker 2 Oh, good.

Speaker 2 Fuck that. Two and a half minutes.
That was fucking good, though, man. Yeah, yeah.
No, there's still a couple more.

Speaker 2 You think we got a couple more? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't think you realize how many stupid Batman characters there were. Yeah, those are just.
Oh, did we do the Riddler? Not yet. The Diddler? Is that too easy?

Speaker 2 Child Molesta?

Speaker 2 It's just

Speaker 2 the Riddler, but the N-word.

Speaker 2 But it ends in E-R. Yeah.
Well, no, it ends in L-E-R. Oh, man.
That's a really funny word.

Speaker 2 I'm imagining it. And I do want to say, this is the most I've ever been tempted to drop an N-bomb on the podcast.
Yeah, yeah. Well, his thing is he goes into the bank and he says that.

Speaker 2 People are like, what the fuck did he just say? He's like, it's not the same one.

Speaker 2 Technically, I'm okay.

Speaker 2 And they're like, I don't know what to do. And he's like, well, give me the money.
Oh, it's a white guy.

Speaker 2 He just says it.

Speaker 2 People can't figure out. Is that, I mean, technically, it's not it.
I think it's a good thing. We don't think this is Batman.
Am I allowed to say this? He's like, I don't know. No.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Is that a bad word or not?

Speaker 2 Just dropping a very strategic L in the middle of that word.

Speaker 2 He has it written all over his clothes, too.

Speaker 2 He's wearing like boo-boo trousers.

Speaker 2 Just say it.

Speaker 2 The blankler.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Sex Luther? No, that's

Speaker 2 Superman, but I like Sex Luther.

Speaker 2 That's just a black guy named Luther.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Superman is

Speaker 2 I'm trying to bust.

Speaker 2 Just a cool, bald black guy that loves fucking. Sex Luther.

Speaker 2 And it's like,

Speaker 2 he harms Superman by having a big addict.

Speaker 2 Superman's only weakness is still having a white dick,

Speaker 2 despite being able to fly.

Speaker 2 He's a fly, he's got X-ray vision, but he's still got a cool 5.75

Speaker 2 damn that would suck being superman with a little dick

Speaker 2 and listen man 5.75 there's nothing really that wrong with that size dick you know just in general i'm just saying well for superman i mean just in general though you know for yeah you're right yeah i do like how they're like yeah the average dick is five inches right that's counting children or something i don't understand

Speaker 2 yeah that's wild it's counting women yeah

Speaker 2 they measured all the women's dicks too How little are some people's dicks? I mean, that's wild. I know.
That's insane.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine. I mean, I feel like I'm right on the borderline.

Speaker 2 If I missed a fucking centimeter of cock, I would feel horrible. Oh, do you measure in the metric system? Yeah, of course, dude, because there's more numbers.
It feels bigger.

Speaker 2 Oh, right. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, of course. That's smart.
I have a 40 dick. I love these 40.
When women ask me how big my dick is, I answer in degrees. You know, in terrenheim.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's not very big, but it's very hot.

Speaker 2 That's what women like. A nice burning dick.

Speaker 2 I tell them how much potential energy my dick holds. It's like the Olympic torch.
Oh, yeah. You're about to get fucked by all of the Zimbabwe national bobsled teams.
That's right.

Speaker 2 They're back. What about Commissioner Gordon?

Speaker 2 What is he? Commissioner Horden. Horden.

Speaker 2 He's a whore.

Speaker 2 He's a prostitute. Commissioner James Gordon.

Speaker 2 Come eat shiner, Gordon. Come Eatsoner, Gordon.

Speaker 2 Just a big bowl.

Speaker 2 He's hitting you with a spoon.

Speaker 2 Come into my office.

Speaker 2 You don't mind if I have lunch while we talk to you. He turns around and Batman's gone.
And he was like, that's the rudest guy in the world.

Speaker 2 There's this cum all over this guy spilling all over his I Love Cum baby. He just like opens a can.
It looks beer, but it's cum.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's good. That's, yeah, we're not going to top cum Eatson or Gordon.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. It's like, I keep thinking, like, oh, we're not going to top that bit, but then another one comes up.
Yeah, yeah. Well, listen, if you think of one at any point, just

Speaker 2 say it, you know? Yeah. But I really can't.
Well, there's what other Batman villains were there? The Scarecrow. Oh, of course.

Speaker 2 The Cheryl Crow.

Speaker 2 Cheryl Crowe is just a Batman villain.

Speaker 2 Stop! Stop! That music sucks! Turn the fucking music off!

Speaker 2 That shit is fucking gay.

Speaker 2 I can't think of a single Cheryl Crow song.

Speaker 2 I want to suck off the sun. Oh, is that her? I think so.
All of those women I combined into one person. Shania?

Speaker 2 Shania Twain. Shania, I know.
Because the making me feel like a woman. Shania's got some jams, dude.
And that, I think we probably, I I don't know how we feel.

Speaker 2 Shania is also like a true salt of the earth blue-collar, toothless Appalachian woman. I want to fuck her.
That fucking... I don't, I don't.
Is it respect you much?

Speaker 2 That don't impress me. That don't impress me, man.
That video when she's in, like, I think a leopard body suitor. Maybe I'm remembering that, but I definitely beat off a lot of Shania.

Speaker 2 She doesn't have teeth.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that, dude. I might be confusing her with Celine Dion.

Speaker 2 She's probably a toothless Montreal bitch, right? Yeah. Celine? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But no, Shania is sexy, dude. I definitely crank the

Speaker 2 hoggerino to that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who else, though, when you're saying all those women, who else are you thinking of? Ooh, you know who else I beat off? The fucking God was one of us, bitch.

Speaker 2 Meredith.

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't even know who she is. Yeah, whatever.
You know who is sexy? Natalie Ambrugulia. Natalie.
No, I know her because she's hot as shit. She's hot as but like Alanis and

Speaker 2 Cheryl Crow and fucking Fiona.

Speaker 2 Apple.

Speaker 2 Fiona Apple could get the Salich.

Speaker 2 Tony Braxton. Yeah, Tony Braxton.

Speaker 2 Another lady I beat off too. Big old juicy atetonaz.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Who else? I was thinking of someone else that I beat off to.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about Cum Each and her Gordon. Come each and her gordon is probably the best thing we've ever said, dude.

Speaker 2 Pat men, come in. I'm just warming up my cum.

Speaker 2 He can't even move his mouth sometimes. There's too much cum.

Speaker 2 It's like when you eat too much peanut butter.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 One second.

Speaker 2 A little cinnamon in there.

Speaker 2 in the microwave sometimes to switch it up

Speaker 2 He's got cum popsicles also

Speaker 2 He just eats it in every form

Speaker 2 up there by the bat signal spotlight just

Speaker 2 Just drinking a big

Speaker 2 straw

Speaker 2 a big big thermos

Speaker 2 God damn it, Batman. It's cold out here.
Sometimes he's got it in a little flask. He has to really shake it to get it out of the fucking little hole.
I'm getting too old for this shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just had someone's funeral drinking come out of a flask.

Speaker 2 Come eats in her Gordon, baby.

Speaker 2 That's the best character. That's the best comic book character there ever was.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that one got me good i can't tell if this is people are gonna enjoy listening listen man i don't give a fuck this gave us come eatson or gordon and that's all dude i mean even brain the very beginning was pretty good

Speaker 2 oh man now i know why we need adam on the show

Speaker 2 to derail

Speaker 2 because without that well maybe maybe

Speaker 2 Adam's problem is that he derails him too quickly. He just needs to wait a little bit.
Well, I don't know. Who's going to listen to an hour of two people laughing like retards around?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right, you're right. All right, let's talk about something else.
Oh, fuck, dude.

Speaker 2 How about that guy they caught in Montgomery County about to do a school shooting? I didn't see that. Here's what they caught him with.
So he brought a gun to school, right?

Speaker 2 And they were like, All right, we got to check this out. And they caught his ass, they went to his house and found

Speaker 2 15 grenades,

Speaker 2 a detonator for C4 landmines, a tactical vest, a fucking AR-15, and just like a list of grievances. Also, an Asian would have been another Asian school shooter.
Oh, damn. We're due for one of those.

Speaker 2 It's been a while.

Speaker 2 I guarantee you, an Asian is going to set the record. It's true.

Speaker 2 We're going to have another Asian, and they're going to make Steven Paddock look like

Speaker 2 just a loser. Absolutely.
They're going to make him look like a really just uncool and a bunch of people. Well, this motherfucker had lion mines.
He had a detonator.

Speaker 2 He was going to set off fucking bombs under the school. That's bad.
That would have been honestly. I mean, it would have been fucked up, but pretty cool.
I mean, imagine my lamb.

Speaker 2 And he had a list of grievances against students and teachers. There was his list of grievances like number two, good luck chicken.

Speaker 2 Number three. There was a part of the grievances.
Number three. Garlic pepper sauce.

Speaker 2 Part of the grievances were the lunch special.

Speaker 2 They were slightly cheaper than the other grievances.

Speaker 2 We also found his manifesto hidden inside of a shitty cookie.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude.
I don't know. That's just wild.
Damn. You think he was doing it for Chinese New Year? Yeah, dude.
Yeah. That would have been a pretty good shot.

Speaker 2 That was his Chinese New Year resolution?

Speaker 2 Work off all that dog he ate over Chinese Christmas. There he is.
All right. Hell yeah, baby.

Speaker 2 Over Chinese Christmas. Before anyone tries to write a letter to the president of our network, me,

Speaker 2 to get me fired, you should know two things. A, I specifically wrote in a no-firing myself clause.
Oh, so I can never be

Speaker 2 I can never be forced into the definite real documents that we have for this,

Speaker 2 I guess, company. I don't know.
It is a company. I'm a corporation now.
Nice, dude. You and Adam got to get your own corporation, so that's what the accountant said.
I'll make my own corp.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Let's all have corporations.

Speaker 2 Hard dick enterprise. I started using QuickBooks this month.
Ooh. My man's a good one.
Let me tell you something. Not very quick.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Take that into it. Yeah.
You fucking pussies. Yeah.
Eat my nuts. You know, they fucking

Speaker 2 lobbies the federal government to keep taxes complicated and shitty. Because they're pieces of shit.
So they can keep selling shitty software.

Speaker 2 You know how mad they would be if it was just a simplified

Speaker 2 yeah, if the government just did your taxes for you? Right. If they're like, we're just going to take 10% and put them every there, whatever the fuck it is.
Oh, it's way more than that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a much, so much more. Yeah, that's why it is like, I do believe that, you know, we need wealth redistribution or whatever.

Speaker 2 Rich people should pay more in taxes, but this idea that, like, rich people just don't pay anything, and it's like they pay more in a year than you will in your industry. It's wild, the amount.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The amount that goes out.

Speaker 2 Also, why is self-employment tax so high? You get fucked in the ass just by not being a part of your fucking system, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, that's why you need to do an S-Corp, and then you don't pay that shit. Mm, a suck corp.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do have to do that shit, man.

Speaker 2 Fuck, I don't want to do that. Taxes are gay, dude.
No, anyways, Asian shooter is gay, yeah. That's going to be the next one.
You think so? Has there ever, has there been, what are we missing?

Speaker 2 Has there been a black school shooter?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that happens like all the time. That's just regular.

Speaker 2 No, school shooters have to be at least. Oh, they have to go.
I'm talking more than one. He's got, if for a black school shooter to count as a school shooter, he's got to be in a Dragon Ball Z.

Speaker 2 He's got to go around the school trying to go Super Saiyan as he kills the kids. Otherwise, it's just

Speaker 2 a regular day in Chicago or Baltimore or wherever the fuck. Yeah.
Although they don't know how to remember

Speaker 2 school shooting in Philly a couple years ago.

Speaker 2 And I remember doing a bit about it because it's like, you know, a school shooting, you're like, it's so tragic, but then it's Philly, so you're like, well, at least they're in school.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 The fucking, what's that word?

Speaker 2 Not relinquent. Delinquent.
Not delinquent.

Speaker 2 A truancy. Attruancy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were probably a truant.
No, not really. You didn't skip school? Not often.
I mean, not like an excessive amount. Really?

Speaker 2 I would say you was a skip school kid. No.
You just went and didn't do shit? Yeah, I just didn't do shit. And then eventually I just dropped out.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 The ultimate truancy. Yeah, it's like I didn't mind being in school.
I kind of liked the social aspect.

Speaker 2 I just didn't want to do work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it got to a point where it was like, I'm like failing everything. Right.
What am I even doing here? Right, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I liked hanging out with people i like i enjoyed being i mean a bully no not a bully but no i mean i was i'm like i still am like a faggot myself but sure of course you know i liked i mean like it was like i enjoy like uh i got into i mean you know you start doing comedy because you're like funny in school right that's true but like i used to go to school especially in middle school with a mentality of like i gotta just i gotta try and be i gotta crush yeah yeah yeah i know i know yeah oh i definitely had bits i was working on yeah middle school shit yeah oh whenever you could make fun of a teacher, you get him.

Speaker 2 I remember one of my first. When you make a teacher laugh, though, that's like, damn, that's big leagues.
Oh, yes. There was a big titty teacher, Miss Warner, who I made laugh all the time.

Speaker 2 I think maybe I told a story where I had to do a presentation on the way rain worked, and I just forgot about it.

Speaker 2 So you just got up to the front of the class and you just pissed yourself? Yeah, I was like, oh, no. I literally not that much different, dude.

Speaker 2 I forgot about it until that morning, and I think I was the Pillsbury Doughboy for for Halloween.

Speaker 2 So I had a chef's hat, and I wrote God on it, and then I took pieces of paper and I ripped them up, and I took a bag, and I wrote rain on it.

Speaker 2 And then I just went to the front of the class, put a God chef hat on, took

Speaker 2 the paper out and sprinkled rain. And I was like, and that's how condensation works.

Speaker 2 And she just laughed, and I passed. That's great.
Yeah, it was fucking

Speaker 2 big old titties. I was in seventh grade, and I can't remember the name of the teacher, but like we had to, we were learning

Speaker 2 the Holocaust.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I said something, I forget how we got to it, but I said something about like, man, it's like fucked up that they killed like a gajillion Jews or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I used like a fake number, yeah, you know, and like, or like I said, like six kajillion or something. Yeah, yeah.
And I forget how I did it or what I did, right?

Speaker 2 The specific setup was, but the teacher just started laughing and she had to like apologize. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, that is a hilarious thing to just kind of be a fucking shit, shithead teenager, but I was like, sorry, six Kajillion Jews died, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a way to disrespect the Holocaust, which is something that's very important. Sure, man.
You got to have values in your life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's one of mine, is disrespecting the Holocaust whenever possible. How about a Batman villain that's just the Holocaust denier? That's good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The revisionist.

Speaker 2 Six million is too many, Batman.

Speaker 2 I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 I literally don't care.

Speaker 2 Maybe a hundred thousand, perhaps.

Speaker 2 Fine, okay.

Speaker 2 Just give me back Rachel.

Speaker 2 Not until she changes her name

Speaker 2 to something a little less Semitic.

Speaker 2 Like Julie, perhaps? That's a nice name. That's a good name.
Why don't we name her Julie? Julie or Ethno-Ethel? I will continue to deny the Holocaust until all of the Gentile girls have Gentile names.

Speaker 2 I don't want any

Speaker 2 Christian Sarah's walking around. Oh, Sarah's a Jew name, yeah, you're right.
Yeah. Yep.
Damn.

Speaker 2 What language did they speak back then, dude? Hebrew. Oh, I guess that's true.
But it probably sounded fucked up. Yeah.
But how do we keep the names, you know?

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 You get what I'm getting at. I don't got to explain it further.
I definitely know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Also, they were probably like cave people, right? That was like six thousand years ago. Um, what do you mean? Like the Jews of the of the Bible.

Speaker 2 They were ba probably like three feet tall, like basically gorillas. Yeah, I guess they probably look like aborigines or something.
Yeah, they're probably like little as shit, hairy as fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, the pussy hair was wild, you know? Yeah, man, that's some wild-ass pussy hair. I love that shit.

Speaker 2 That shit looks like a goddamn fucking, like a a retarded boy went to town on a piece of Velcro.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? He's got his fucking saliva in there, pieces of candy.

Speaker 2 A big old retarded-up piece of fucking. I mean, they probably smelled horrible, too.
Yeah. No bathing? Well, people smelled horrible until like the 1970s.

Speaker 2 That's true. Yeah.
I mean, a lot of Greek people still smell horrible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How about that homeless guy we saw? That guy was so intense. He was crazy ass eyes, dude.
Yeah, he looked like Adam Duritz. Oh, yeah.
But like with rasputin eyes.

Speaker 2 Actually, he looked like a homeless person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adam Duritz looks like a person. Looks like a homeless person.
That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you see that message that Adam Duritz sent Dasha? Yeah, we've talked about it. Yeah.
It was wild.

Speaker 2 Imagine being famous and still being a bitch. That's got to suck, dude.
What do you mean, like a famous woman? No, no, no, no. Like being a pussy, I guess.
Oh, oh.

Speaker 2 I was going to say, there's plenty of women that are in movies and stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm like, imagine women that are famous.
No, no, no. Like a famous bitch.
No, no, no. Like bitches in.
And Michelle Obama? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Queen Latifah, just.

Speaker 2 No, those are different people. What? Yeah.
Well, how did I think? Michelle Obama was married to Barack Obama, who is Queen Latifah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought Queen Latifah was the honorary you give the black first lady. No, they become Queen Latifahs.

Speaker 2 Queen Latifah. Yeah, does Queen Latifah outrank Michelle Obama? Uh

Speaker 2 like it's close. Yeah.
Does anyone use the name King Latifa? That's a good.

Speaker 2 She's a lesbian, though, right? Yeah, I know, but that doesn't mean there can't be a lesbian. That's true.
Oh, that's true. Her brother's King Latifah.
Yeah, probably.

Speaker 2 Would it be King Latifa? King Latifa. How about I'm Queen Latifx?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I want to get Quef Latifx in there somehow. I came up with the best drag name the other day.
I don't know if it's somebody who uses already, but I want to start doing drag as Carmen San Francisco.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's good. I'm happy with that one.
Rice-arone. You just get rice-arone comes out of your ass? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 The San Francisco treat? Yeah. Why is Rice-Aroni the San Francisco?

Speaker 2 I wrote a joke like my first year in comedy about Rice-Arone, the San Francisco treat. I'm pretty sure that's HIV.

Speaker 2 Why is that the treat?

Speaker 2 Penis would have been it, dude.

Speaker 2 I don't think I ever did that on stage, but but that's stuck with you. Yeah, the idea of a

Speaker 2 commercial for HIV, and it's just some guy riding a trolley around.

Speaker 2 I have AIDS.

Speaker 2 The San Francisco tree. Ding, ding.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Was that in San Francisco? Suck my dick.
What's that? Was that in San Francisco? Yeah, downtown Detroit.

Speaker 2 It was for real? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Mr. Rogers.
It worked Mr. Rogers.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's a beautiful day here in Shreveport, Louisiana.

Speaker 2 It's a beautiful day here in Vider, Texas, home of the Ku Klux Klan.

Speaker 2 And as we leave our doors unlocked and walk down the streets in racial harmony,

Speaker 2 me and Mr. Trolley know that the white race will never be threatened again.
That is, unless King Friday has anything to say about it.

Speaker 2 Folks, we're starting off Mr. Rogers' neighborhood, but let's try to get to Mr.
Rogers' America and then eventually Mr. Rogers' world.

Speaker 2 Some folks will say this is genocide, but

Speaker 2 children, we're just doing math. It's just subtraction.

Speaker 2 If 12.5% of the population is black.

Speaker 2 Well, it's the perfect number of people in America. It's not even racist.
I mean, Thomas Malthus tells you himself, we just can't feed all of these people.

Speaker 2 What are we supposed to do? Kill every chicken in the world?

Speaker 2 They don't work that hard.

Speaker 2 It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day in the neighborhood.
I want some fucking.

Speaker 2 They've got to have already started alt-right or like racist-ass children's programming, right? Um, I don't think so. That it seems like a no-brainer.

Speaker 2 There wasn't there, like, two-you mean, like Rick and Morty? Yeah, I guess you're right. Just watching that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Um, I feel like there was two, like, little blonde girls that had, like, cutesy songs about Hitler and shit. Yeah, Prussian Blue.
Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they were that was like pop, right? Like, like, racist pop? Yeah, and those girls eventually, like, let'cause their family was making them do it.

Speaker 2 It was, like, they were like the Phelps daughters.

Speaker 2 Michael Phelps' daughters? Yeah. They made them swim.
No,

Speaker 2 the school. The Westboro Baptist Church.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, I thought that was Jerry Falwell. No, that's a different church.
No, Westboro Baptist Church is

Speaker 2 the Phelps family. Oh, yeah, Fred Phelps.
Fred Phelps, yeah, Shirley Roper, Shirley Phelps Roper, or whatever the fuck Phelps. Whoa, whoa, whoa, so she had a hyphenated name, but

Speaker 2 still thought that yay people weren't.

Speaker 2 Well, this is because she was proud of her. She's from the Roper family who invented lynching.

Speaker 2 She didn't want to. So she was more racist than she was subservient to men.
Yeah. That makes sense.
No, that makes sense.

Speaker 2 I do like, it is funny to see like women in like that, those communities want to be respected. Yeah.
It's like you're against like every other.

Speaker 2 Why do you think these dudes are going to be chill with like women like getting having careers

Speaker 2 in the in the racist workplace? Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I think they want women to have the job. In the ideal you know, Nazi, Reddit Nazi world, the women go and work and then they come home.
The men game. The game.
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Gaming.

Speaker 2 You're right. You're right.
How could I forget? Yeah.

Speaker 2 When the reality is, neither gender should work, you know? That's true. You should just move in with her parents.

Speaker 2 Her dad pay for everything. That would be fucking chill.
Yeah. I want a sugar mama, dude.
I've said this before, but I would like to be taken care of like the pretty bitch that I am. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. What was that thing about Nazis?

Speaker 2 What thing about Nazis? Oh, we were talking about the homeless guy going to jail.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was just a conversation we had outside. Oh, a homeless TED Talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy, because it looked like he had the intensity of a

Speaker 2 guy about to give a TED Talk. Right, yeah.
He's like,

Speaker 2 why are we just shitting in the Starbucks bathrooms when we should just be shitting in Starbucks?

Speaker 2 Why don't you shit homeless people just shitting in Starbucks? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I wonder, you know, because it's like, because of all the injustices in this world, how many of these homeless guys could be, you know, the next Elon Musk? So true. You know?

Speaker 2 It's like,

Speaker 2 these guys could be heroes. One of them could be the next Itanya.

Speaker 2 But because of

Speaker 2 economic injustice, they have to live outside. We're missing out on our next Peter Thiel, our next Mark Zuckerberg.

Speaker 2 It could just be some bum. Well, yeah, and if you just shit.
What if God was one of us?

Speaker 2 What if that bum was Elon Musk

Speaker 2 trying to launch a shopping cart into space?

Speaker 2 That man,

Speaker 2 Ehoma's Elon Musk, launched a Key Foods bag full of human shit into space. His most prized possession.
A Mountain Dew 2 Liter filled with blood and piss on the moon.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't get why people

Speaker 2 were mad about that. About the car in space? Yeah, they're like,

Speaker 2 oh, this is creating space pollution. It's like, who gives a fuck? I don't fucking care.
I mean, it's just kind of lame. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 2 like, oh, well, you know, he did it because of his own ego or whatever. It's like, yeah.
That's what everyone does. That's what everyone does everything.
Does everything, yeah. Yeah, you don't have a

Speaker 2 socialism blog because of your own fucking ego. Yeah, you don't have to.
All those Twitter followers.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right. Hey, in socialism, do people get to see how many followers you get? How many retweets your fucking side-by-side side screenshots got? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyways, what was I going to say, though, about, oh, oh, the homeless guy going to, yeah, if you just shit in a Starbucks, you just end up in jail, which, like you pointed out outside, it's basically a home.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's fucking perfect. I did point that out.
I made the

Speaker 2 extremely insightful point. It's a good point.
There's no problems in jail. It's a utopia.
Yeah. No, but yeah, you were saying it's like every little kid thinks that.

Speaker 2 It's just like, why don't you just

Speaker 2 commit a crime? Yeah, you go to jail. Get your fucking hole stretched out for fucking stealing some bread to eat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hmm.

Speaker 2 Oh boy. Now I'm getting congested too.
I hope I'm not getting sick.

Speaker 2 From what, dude? Too much barbecue? I don't feel sick, but my nose is kind of

Speaker 2 jammed up here.

Speaker 2 Maybe I should clear my nose out with a little

Speaker 2 something? Yeah. A little draino, a little

Speaker 2 weed, if you know what I mean. Nick tapped his nose.
Yeah. And snorted.
Yeah, I gotta do some weed lady. I gotta snort.
I gotta chop up some weed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if if you pardon me, I gotta go look at child pornography in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, you know that's worse than cocaine, right?

Speaker 2 Oh, is it?

Speaker 2 I thought cocaine was one down from looking at child porn.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's how you get your fix. What if just looking at child porn and you didn't like it, right? But you looked at it and it did the same thing as cocaine.
Would you look at child porn?

Speaker 2 But it was free. Wait, you mean what if I looked at child porn and it made me look at child porn? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You go to the bathroom and you open up a picture of a kid getting porn.

Speaker 2 I was making a joke about what cocaine is. Oh,

Speaker 2 sorry, sorry.

Speaker 2 And you looked at a picture of a kid getting fucked real quick and it made you feel like you just did some good-ass Coke. Would you look at child porn?

Speaker 2 No, that's just being a pedophile. No, no, no, because you're not getting horny.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're not in the child porn, but you look at it and you get this incredible rush

Speaker 2 of blood rushes to a certain part of your body.

Speaker 2 What kind of hypothetical is that? Adam's right, man. You really are bad at hypothetical.
No, dude, I'm saying it makes you feel like you did Coke, dude. Come on, man.
Look, whatever.

Speaker 2 You spend money on Coke. I'm going to be doing it for free.
You don't looking at child porn. All right.

Speaker 2 You, you fucking. You don't like looking at child porn, but you look at it because you have to because you're addicted to it.

Speaker 2 What do you do? You get into a bad mood if you get hold of it's been too long. Your energy level dips.
Right. You do it because you can't forget the 80s.
Back when you had a sitcom.

Speaker 2 Back when you were on

Speaker 2 Rodney Dangerfield's young comedian special.

Speaker 2 And now you just moves from city to city trying to get... younger comics, impressionable younger comics, to watch YouTube videos of your act from 30 years ago.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, of Johnny Carson smiling at you

Speaker 2 in the green room.

Speaker 2 But not because you like it, but because you're addicted to it.

Speaker 2 Because it feels like drugs. Here's something else I saw.

Speaker 2 There was a photo of a guy on Valentine's Day at a restaurant sitting across from his wife's ashes. He was just crying in this restaurant.
That's great. That's like, what a bummer for everyone else.

Speaker 2 That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 He's like crying. It's like, imagine you're just trying to have a Valentine's Day lunch and you just see a guy and there's like a glass of wine for it and shit.
It's like, come on, man.

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to have a fucking Valentine's Day lunch. You do that to yourself.
It's brutal. And then where does it stop? Do you fuck the ashes?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what I'm doing when my wife dies, going straight to GameStop.

Speaker 2 It would be funny to

Speaker 2 dress up like real autistic, like, you know, like a Zelda shirt shirt tucked into your sweatpants, and then walk into GameStop with an urn and just start emptying it all over,

Speaker 2 just bumping into shit and then like flies out of it. No, no, no, on purpose, on purpose, just waving the ash.

Speaker 2 This is where she wanted to be buried. It's like, this is what Eric wanted.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, that's so fucking funny, dude. Like, what they

Speaker 2 can't stop.

Speaker 2 Fucking empty. Sir, please.

Speaker 2 You're autistic. Dude, that is funny as shit.
We should literally do that. Yeah, we should do that.
That would be good, dude.

Speaker 2 How would they even react?

Speaker 2 I mean, they'd try and stop you, I guess.

Speaker 2 You get arrested?

Speaker 2 Oh, man. That would be worth getting arrested for.
I think.

Speaker 2 But let's pass the idea on to Christian Weston Chandler. Maybe Chris Chan could do that.
That's true. He likes getting arrested at GameStop.
Yeah, oh, yeah. What did he get arrested for?

Speaker 2 For macing an employee.

Speaker 2 He ran into the store in drag, by the way, because he's trans now. Oh, Chris Chan is trans.
Yeah, because he was furious that they changed the color of Sonic's arms in the new game.

Speaker 2 Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, because his arms used to be tan, but now I guess Sonic's arms are blue. Oh, so he's blue the whole way instead of having different colors.
Instead of having tan arms.

Speaker 2 And so he went in first with a blue marker and tried to correct the incredible. And they tried to stop him, so he maced the employee, right?

Speaker 2 And ran out of that. That fucking rules, actually.
Yeah, yeah. I give him a lot of credit for that, dude.
Like, we talk about having ideals and a code. That man lives by his code.
Wait, hold on.

Speaker 2 We talk about having ideals and a code.

Speaker 2 We all talk about it. We sit around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Well,

Speaker 2 you know, in my mind, I'm a samurai. The royal we, you know, like

Speaker 2 us in general. Yeah.
But Chris Chan, really. Yeah.
To be able to be willing to go to jail because you maced the GameStop employee.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think he was willing to go to jail so much as he didn't consider the consequences. Oh, you don't think he thought?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right. I mean, he's got to be like almost 40 years old at this point.
Brutal

Speaker 2 brutal. Because I've been following Chris Chan since I was like probably 15 years old.

Speaker 2 And I'm like 29 now. Yeah.
And he was 20. Yeah.
He's 40 this year. He's got to be 40 because he was 26, I think.
That's 20. When I found out, or maybe he's 24.

Speaker 2 Either way, any way you slice it, that's horrible. Yeah.
Ugh.

Speaker 2 Man. Deck Man's been being trolled for almost 20 years.

Speaker 2 What a life. Yeah, those are his parents, probably.
Yeah, well, his dad died. Bob.
Lumberjack Bob. Bob Chin.
Yeah, Bob Chan.

Speaker 2 This is an audio recording of him, like cyber, like having phone sex with some girl.

Speaker 2 But not a girl, it's a 13-year-old boy pretending to be a girl. Right, of course.

Speaker 2 And I don't know how this recording happened. Either they were doing it over Skype, and then Bob comes in.
He's like, What are you doing on there?

Speaker 2 Get off the internet. I'm cutting it down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, Dad, no.

Speaker 2 Unbeknownst to him, he's having phone sex with a 13-year-old boy pretending to be a woman.

Speaker 2 A 13-year-old boy pretending to be a woman to troll

Speaker 2 a grown-up. You are having sex.
You are sort of having gay sex. Yeah.
As a troll. But, you know, respect.
What a funny world.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad that the internet used to be like that. Instead of like, let's all pretend this journalist is good at stand-up.

Speaker 2 Right. Let's all tweet like, can you believe what this guy does?

Speaker 2 You moron, you absolute fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Donald Trump tweets like that's going to matter. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just get verified on Twitter now if you're blocked by Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 No, seriously, there's people that are verified and they've done nothing else and have a tweet to Donald Trump that's like, you, sir, are an ingrate. And they get retweeted like 30,000 times.

Speaker 2 And they're like, yeah, let's verify this person. Hell yeah, dude.
Damn, I'm about to get verified. You know what, Twitter? And I know you're listening, Jack.
Verify me, please.

Speaker 2 Jack is what? He's like the tom of Twitter. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Remember MySpace? Top Eight.
Oh, yeah. Hard to believe that guy turned out to be a pedophile, also.
Did he?

Speaker 2 Well, basically, and I don't know this.

Speaker 2 But basically, anybody whose name is a company and then their first name is a pedophile. Interesting, interesting.
Subway Jared. Makes sense.
You know? MySpace Tom. MySpace Tom.
Twitter Jack?

Speaker 2 TJ Maxx. TJ Maxx?

Speaker 2 That was TJ Miller's birth name.

Speaker 2 That's why he did rape.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Chipotle Eric.

Speaker 2 Chipotle Eric does sound like a rape. Chipotle Eric was smuggling children in his ass across the border, which is a type of fucking them.
Technically, yes.

Speaker 2 Their dicks were inside your ass, technically speaking. So

Speaker 2 a child fucked you in the ass.

Speaker 2 Tom cashed out, though, dude. He sold the fucking, he sold

Speaker 2 MySpace to Fox for like 500 mil when no one was fucking using it. Yeah, and no one is still using it.
Respect, I know. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 I don't understand that purchase. I think they thought they were going to rebrand it.
Remember, they tried to rebrand it with like Justin Timberlake? Yeah. It was going to be like a music place.

Speaker 2 And it's like, no, this fucking sucks, dick. Yeah.
I think it's still up, right? You can still go to your old MySpace page, probably. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn, I wonder what mine's looking like. How about my race? Okay.

Speaker 2 Does that have anything to do with

Speaker 2 white supremacist Mr. Rogers? Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's his online presence. It's a beautiful day on the internet.
It's a beautiful day on the internet. Now, children, this is someone we call Pepe.
Yeah. And there's...

Speaker 2 Whenever you're feeling sad,

Speaker 2 post this picture.

Speaker 2 Teaching them all the Pepe means.

Speaker 2 Damn, that sucks for the Pepe guy.

Speaker 2 What's his name? Yeah, I don't know what his name is, and I I didn't read the fucking comic.

Speaker 2 It seems like it sucks, Dick. Well, the

Speaker 2 imagine if your art was taken over. It's not bad.
Boys Club is pretty. It's okay.
I remember because I was a fan of it.

Speaker 2 No, I know. I mean,

Speaker 2 I heard before the alt-right shit that, like, it was a good thing. It's not the funniest shit in the world.
Where Pepe got popular, that specific comic is pretty funny. Like, the dog or something.

Speaker 2 You know, it's just like roommates, but they look like animals. Right.
And one of them walks into the bathroom, and like, the guy who's Pepe is like at the toilet and his.

Speaker 2 He's got his ass cheeks out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've seen that.
He says, it feels good, man. Feels good, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember that. Yeah, and that became a meme.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Do you remember iMeme?

Speaker 2 I meme? That was a way to listen to music. Was that like a deaf girl named Irene? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes, it was.

Speaker 2 Yeah, do you remember her? We always have sex with her. You're just like, yeah, you're just showing her your dick, and she points to herself and goes, I mean.

Speaker 2 You're like, shh. You're like, yes, meme.
Keep it down.

Speaker 2 I don't want anyone at the deaf school to hear you. You're whispering even though they're all deaf.

Speaker 2 I'm very bad at taking advantage of the deaf children.

Speaker 2 But you're wearing brightly colored clothes that everyone can see. You're walking around the school completely nude, tiptoeing.

Speaker 2 you rappel down from the ceiling completely naked

Speaker 2 dude damn bro that barbecue's actually starting to hit your boy my two yeah as well well I think we're good probably can you you see what that says? I cannot. 105? Let me see right here.

Speaker 2 I think we're good, dude. Let me get the fucking.
I'm having fun, dude. Oh, 105.
Do we have any reads or anything? Nope, not. Oh, fuck.
I should plug Philly. Hold on.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Guys, a couple of you were DMing me. The ticket links are up for

Speaker 2 the show in Philly at the Good Good Comedy Theater, March 17th, Saturday. There's an 8:30 and a 10 o'clock show.
Two shows. Let's sell those motherfuckers out.

Speaker 2 Hey, all I'm saying is Wardell did three shows, so come on. Are we going to let Wardell do more shows than me? Or are we going to buy tickets? Yeah, Wardell.
Suck a dick. He's a fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Also, I think we're doing Funny Moms the 26th. And then March 22nd, I'm at House of Blues in Boston.
Hell yes.

Speaker 2 So if you enjoyed all of those Batman characters,

Speaker 2 if you enjoyed Come Eatson or Gordon, be prepared for Kamitsener Gordon's one-man show.

Speaker 2 His one-man play.

Speaker 2 Ah, fuck. Kumitsener Gordon rules, dude.
Yeah. Called The Dark.

Speaker 2 The Dark. And don't forget about

Speaker 2 the Beepler.

Speaker 2 The Beepler. The Beepler was good, dude.

Speaker 2 We had some stuff, dude. Yeah.
This is a good one.

Speaker 2 Guys, we had a lot of fun on this show, but if you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please don't hesitate to call the eating disorder hotline.

Speaker 2 Someone will talk to you and

Speaker 2 take down your name and send you a nice big old hot pocket or something. Oh, yeah.
Really hot. A really tasty one.

Speaker 2 I remember there was an episode of Doug where Patty Mayonnaise has an eating disorder. Really? And the episode ends, and then they have her

Speaker 2 be like, you know, eating disorders are a serious issue, but it's like the cartoon. That's bizarre.
Yeah. Also, she's skinny as shit.
She never eats.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just draw her fatter. Yeah, give her little titties.
Give Patty Mayonnaise a couple titties, dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Why are you making that bitch look like disgusting-ass lesbian pepperin?

Speaker 2 Hey, man, come on. Don't say that about Pepperan.
Nobody wants to fuck Pepperan. Do not.
Pepperan, Pepperan has a big old fucking bush. Yeah.
Pepperan has a hairy ass pussy. Pepperan, pepperan.

Speaker 2 She's got red hair, so she gives people a head.

Speaker 2 Pepperan, she's not cool, but people hang out with her.

Speaker 2 Pepperan, this is what happens to you when you're a girl with red hair.

Speaker 2 Pippi Longstocking, I feel like I wanted to fuck her when I had a crush on the fictional character of Pippi Longstocking. Yeah.
And I still like braids a lot. Pippi Hogsocking.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Woo!

Speaker 2 Pippi dong. Pippi dong sucking.
Pippi dong sucking. Pippi dong sucking.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 2 What was Pippi Longstocking's deal? She was real strong. Yeah, she was like a fictional character.

Speaker 2 She was a fictional character because I remember my grandma used to make me watch Pippy Longstocking videos, and I also wanted to fuck her because she was strong. Me too.

Speaker 2 There was something about her. I wanted to get beat up by a girl sexually.
Dominate you, hold you down, and suck your little dick. You could fucking

Speaker 2 tell me I can't say any of the stuff I say. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I would like that for a nice change.

Speaker 2 I've talked about this before, but I feel like there's got to be strong women who are jacked, who hate fat people so much, but that sexually they want to just dominate a fat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just want a nice girl that'll stick a gun to my head.

Speaker 2 Richie Apriel style. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Janice sticking that gun to his head.

Speaker 2 That'd be good. I don't want the gun, but I do want, I don't know what I want.
I used to work with an old woman named Janice, and I would have

Speaker 2 the BSO. Yeah,

Speaker 2 Janice, and I would just see. The ball-sucking organization.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And you're the number one ball sucker. Employee of the month every month, Nick Mullen.
At the ball-sucking organization. That's not true.
In fact, I was fired for insubordination.

Speaker 2 No, I would sometimes see if I could sneak it in.

Speaker 2 If I needed to ask you, I'd be like, Vajanis?

Speaker 2 And most of the time, she just had no idea I was calling her Vajanis. That rules.
What about the time that she fingered it out, though?

Speaker 2 I don't think'cause it's such a bizarre thing that there's no way that I could be calling her

Speaker 2 right, right? She just like looks at you weird. She's like, Yes? Yeah.
A classic move, my friend Gina.

Speaker 2 Vagina? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We they literally took down the name tags in our our dorm freshman year'cause every time they gave Gina a new one, we just wrote vagina on every single time to the point that they just had to stop giving her one.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So take that, you fucking bitch. Yeah, take that

Speaker 2 college

Speaker 2 police. Yeah, you RAs.
I did get busted smoking weed.

Speaker 2 The RAs did take your boy down. But anyway, listen: pippy hog sucking.

Speaker 2 That's the note to go on.

Speaker 2 Titty hog sucking.

Speaker 2 Too far? Titty hog sucking. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just a couple of titties with red hair.

Speaker 2 Sucking your dick.

Speaker 2 The nipples or mouse.

Speaker 2 Nipples or mouse. I got to go to sleep, dude.
I don't feel well. All right, buddy.
Good night.