Ep. 79 – Bumbaclot

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Well, this is gonna be a check This is gonna be a bad one because Adam refuses to do his job

His only job on the show, which is to go get us coffees

That's not true

Don't lie.

Okay, answer this.

Are you willing to go get us coffees?

I've gotten you coffee in the past

Right now,

you just clocked in.

You're gaming.

I'm gaming out of frustration.

I don't even want to be fucking gaming right now.

You pissed me off so bad, I got to play Battlefield.

No, no, you're pissing off.

Virtual Turks.

You're pissing me off by treating me like some sort of secretary.

You don't get pissed off.

You go on your period.

It's different when a girl does.

Got them.

Girls don't get pissed off, dude.

It's true.

It's called PMS.

I know a thing or two.

girls don't pee and they eat chocolate yeah you're having you have to have a piece you want to eat some chocolate chips yeah why don't you go to the fucking store and get some get me a coffee that is ridiculous there's a big bag on your name is grace and you're the secretary of come town yeah and i'm i mean nick's will

yeah

i'm will secretary stav is still stav no i'm karen with the big titties i'm the secretary

and grace you're will the gay guy i'm karen the drunk lady with big tits No, you're not.

You're fucking

sucking my own tits.

You're the gayest one.

No, I'm not Jack.

You're Jack.

You're Jack Andrews.

You're Jack.

You're Jack Andrews.

Take his Will, the regular gay guy.

I'm Grace, and I get fucked all the time.

I catch so much cock.

She did get a nice amount of cock in the show.

I'm Debbie Messi.

As a kid, I thought she was on the show because the guys were gay, and I thought she was supposed to be a lesbian because her breasts were so small.

That's how it works.

Gay guys don't have dicks.

And by a kid, I mean when I was 18 years old.

I was a 19-year-old man.

It's true.

That's true.

Sometimes women's breasts are small and they have no choice other than to be less.

Really?

Yeah.

In my perfect world, yes.

So everyone living in the world.

That sounds like something my dad would have told me as a kid.

Yeah, well, sometimes your dad's right.

Very rarely.

Sometimes you got to listen to your father, you know?

Like when he says, go get us coffees.

First of all, you're not my father.

Second of all,

look, I'm your boss, which is basically like a father.

You're not my boss.

Yeah, take that ass.

You show him.

You tell him.

Thanks, Stop.

Stand up for yourself, man.

Listen, Grace.

I'm the secretary.

Listen, Grace.

No, I'm not going to tell you again.

You are Grace.

You're right.

You look like shit.

You need to go home and put on a dress.

How dare you come in the office with no makeup on?

All the men are throwing off.

How are the men supposed to come in their pants at work?

Exactly.

Mad Man style.

You know, because you know how all the startups now have Xbox and shit in there?

Yes.

That's basically what women used to be in the office.

Very true.

It was something you could jack off to.

Yes.

Now people are like, oh, wow, isn't it so nice companies now have Xbox and

Dance Dance Revolution?

It's like, no, you used to be able to rape people.

Back in the 50s.

Yeah, it wasn't.

That's a weird break room.

Wow.

It's Jane from Mad Mem and their big-ass titties.

You got to just put your cock in between them.

It's Grace from Come Town.

And everyone's having sex with her.

Against her will.

Should we fuck Adam as a bit?

Yeah, we should.

We're going to feed him to Tim.

I beat off earlier, so we're going to feed him to ass one first game.

Ass first?

Yeah.

I think Tim would probably want to suck his dick if I had to guess.

Yeah, Tim.

And then bought him.

And then.

Imagine how you would feel

the stubble on the sides of his cheeks

all the way out to the edges of your hips.

His head is the width of your body.

Straight up.

His head, literally, your whole pelvis is Tim's fucking padded.

I mean, imagine his bristly cheeks rubbing against the sides of your thighs.

Are you getting hard, Adam?

I'm not getting hard.

It looks like you're hard.

I see your cock right now.

Yeah.

My cock isn't.

I've got a microscope.

Do you want me to take my pants off your hands?

I've got a high-powered microscope.

I've got the microscope they use for the

fuck.

What's the Hadron-Hadron Collider or some shit?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The little ass molecule that's that's little as shit.

Yeah.

That's what I got a microscope for.

The Higgs boson.

The Higgs boson.

Yes.

I got that microscope, and I'm looking at your cock, and I'm straining my eyes, but I see that it's hard.

Well,

I'm not talking about Tim fucking you.

You're sucking your dick.

I've got a picture of your dick.

Yeah, that you framed and have in your living room.

In my wallet.

Adam also frames every bill in his wallet.

That's a very successful.

Every time he successfully disputed a charge.

You know when people have like the first dollar they ever made?

Adam does that with every single piece of currency that he has.

This is the 43rd nickel.

Framed dollar bills in his wallet that doesn't fold shut.

That shit is so stupid.

I can't believe people would like frame.

What are you touching over there?

What buttons are you pressing?

$50 that you're pressing some buttons?

I just touched Amber's amplifier, but I didn't

have any buttons.

Yeah, he broke it.

Amber, can I shred a little bit on Come Tom?

I think it's Amber said no very forcefully for everyone.

The fans have been asking for it.

They've been saying

there's anything we want more of, it's Adam displaying things he thinks he's good at.

That is what everyone can't wait to hear more of Adam.

People love genius opinions that he remembers from college.

Oh, I didn't.

People love when Mark Maron plays Blues guitar on his shit.

Yeah, Yeah, that shit is so funny.

What a fucking out-of-touch motherfucker.

He's so bad at guitars.

People want to hear him sing, dude.

Come on, bro.

Just do the interview.

I don't understand why comedians can't just be fucking comedians.

He's

like, as much as comedians complain about having to do theme shows or whatever, it's like the first second they have to be like, oh, well,

we're putting on a debate.

I know.

It makes no fucking sense.

A

public genius clown to comment on a bar sill philosopher.

Right, exactly.

exactly uh mark marin's apparently coming out with a memoir oh good yeah you've talked about everything you like who the fuck wants to read your your shit man it's about what's in my head man

it's about what's in head people who didn't start fucking until they were 27 apparently he threw louis under the bus real hard did he yeah i mean i don't listen to his podcast but someone said like right after the louie shit came out he like made a whole public statement about like

i don't know what's in his head man

I don't know what he said, but he threw him under the bus pretty hard.

Well, I mean, I would do the same to you.

No, you wouldn't.

If I had found out that, you know, you know, maybe you shoplifted or

I cut the line at Starbucks.

I've done both of those.

I would publicly condemn you.

I've done both of those.

As soon as possible.

Well, you should publicly condemn me because I admit my gift.

You admit?

And I apologize for

you to pretend to be a cool criminal.

I am a cool criminal.

One cool customer.

You've never done a good crime, dude.

You got a real

dangerous body boy.

No.

What's the worst crime you've ever done, Stop?

Murder.

First degree murder.

Shut up.

Premeditated.

Yeah, he's got you there, Adam.

That was cool.

Stop murdering somebody.

That is cool.

All you've done is been rude at Starbucks to old women.

I'm not.

Rolled your eyes and been gone like, ugh.

Yeah.

I'm never explicitly rude.

It's more of a psychological warfare.

Oh, I see.

You ice them out, the silent treatment.

No, it's not icing out.

It's killing them with kindness.

I have a very specific strategy that I go into.

If someone's being impatient, I offer them nice things in order to make them feel even worse.

Like what?

I don't know.

A good example is like

if someone's like waiting...

This happened one time when I was at...

eating a meal with friends of mine.

Someone was like waiting.

It was like first come first serve seating and he was waiting right up on our table.

Like while we were before we got the check, just right up on our table.

And I wasn't going to finish my sandwich, so I offered him the rest of my sandwich.

Nice.

That's how I engage in psychological warfare.

That's really nice of you.

See, I did a nice thing.

That wasn't nice.

You were being a dick.

You were clearly being niggas.

I wasn't really being a dick.

There was no evening.

But he was not being nice by fucking like impatiently standing up on our table.

Dude, shut up.

What do you mean, shut up?

Shut up, dude.

You should show me what I'm saying.

I missed that whole story.

It sucked.

You didn't miss anything.

It didn't suck.

It wasn't even a good example of what he was talking about.

I was imparting some knowledge on the stuff.

If you took five minutes to listen, maybe you could have learned something.

I didn't learn shit, and I'll never learn anything, by the way.

Well, that's fine.

I respect that.

Learning is gay.

Man, I can't wait till we can just convert this into a Twitch stream instead of a podcast.

Can you stop gaming?

Can we just do the show?

I think the show is going fine, actually.

It's not going fine.

The show's actually going better than it normally does.

And you know what's interesting?

So is my gaming.

I'm doing pretty fucking well right now.

Are you?

Kills?

What's your killing?

My problem is that you know what it is?

I'm such a disciplined person

that I focus too hard sometimes.

Absolutely.

I would say the one problem with our podcast is that we focus on it.

Yeah, the focusing.

I think if I put less effort into everything in my life, things will start going easier for me.

Because I'm such a perfectionist.

Oh, yeah.

That's why why half the time I look down and my zipper is completely open throughout the day.

That's delicious.

You want a perfect opening.

Because you have your mind on other things.

Right.

It's because I'm doing fucking really hard math problems.

I keep it open to get a little air on my cock.

Yeah.

A little fresh air.

Why is that like such an embarrassing thing?

Your penis isn't showing.

If your fly is down, everyone's like, oh, that's.

Yours isn't because it's microscopic.

Yeah.

But other people are doing it.

Also because I'm wearing underpants.

No.

That's not true.

My cock will rip through any boxer brief if it's not held back by a zipper.

That's patently false.

Why is it embarrassing to have no clothes on?

You know?

If you really want to get it.

Why is being naked embarrassing?

We should do a naked episode.

We're doing one right now.

Yeah, well, that's what's going to save comedy: convert all the shows to naked interviews.

To naked stand-up shows?

Yeah.

Whatever did happen to that.

You know, what's going to happen is nobody's going to watch Charlie Rose anymore because he's a rapist.

Dude, that was one of those.

You're going to have to save the ratings by having naked interviews.

Naked interviews.

Yeah.

See his old loose-ass balls.

Yeah.

You know, Charlie's got some low-ass balls.

Everybody wins, you know?

Yeah.

And they're red as shit.

Oh, yeah.

Not only is he old, but he's from the south.

His balls are red and sunny.

He's just had that humid summertime.

They're probably plump as hell.

Yeah.

From

all the humidity.

Yeah, like two Georgia peaches.

You know how wood gets warped if it's too humid?

That's probably his balls are fucking fucked up and warped.

Yeah.

That's my.

They have their own rocking chair.

Oh, yeah.

It's underneath the table.

You know,

a little guy.

That's what that creaking noise is whenever you watch.

I kind of imagine his balls like Charlie Rose or something.

His balls like,

you know that like, what is that?

You know the thing where you take like a metal ball and you

fucking take it and then

lose in ball things.

That's how his balls are.

What?

That they're like

a pendulum thing at all times.

Because he's on the rocking chair, you see.

I'm sorry.

But he only has two balls.

He only has like five balls.

Nah, he does.

I'm starting to get sick to myself.

How would you rate your gaming at Battlefield?

Oh.

Are you above average, average, intermediate?

No, I'm probably expert.

Average.

Average?

Yeah, I'm not particular.

Compared to people online?

Yeah, I'm not particular.

Do you ever run into someone online?

It's like, wow, that's a genius.

That guy's amazing.

No, it's always children.

It's just you against people.

Yeah, well, kids have faster reflexes than adults do.

Oh, shit, really?

Yeah.

We should make them fight or play.

I'm a fucking old man.

That was the premise of Ender's game.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

Sounds pretty good.

We should watch it.

No, the movie sucks.

But I loved that book when I was a kid.

Especially when I found out it was homophobic.

Rear Ender's game.

Yeah.

How about gender's games?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yep, everyone's fans.

Yep.

You drive that spaceship into a big alien's cock and cut it off.

Actually, that is what happens at the end of the book.

It cuts off an alien's dick and sucks it.

It sucks.

The dismembered dick.

Yeah, that happens.

That happens in the book, Stop.

Whoa, Stop.

It looks like you're about to read a book.

That's pretty funny, dude.

The dismembered green-ass alien dick.

I just love the idea of like the podcast ending, the bot falling out, and Stav just laughing to himself, reading children's books

on the bus.

This shit's pretty good.

This shit's pretty funny.

It's a funny book where they cut off an alien's dick and someone sucks it.

This guy's loose.

This guy's saying goodnight to the moon.

What an idiot.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Wait for the next sequel in the alien franchise.

They just keep going further and further back in time.

Right.

In alien.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's what it's going to be.

Then we find out that way, way back,

instead of the aliens making us, you know, it was a guy who found an alien.

He cut off his dick and he sucked it.

Even in that context, it's good again, baby.

That sounds like a pretty good movie.

God damn, dude.

It's called Alien Penis.

Wow.

Alien colon penis.

Alien penis.

Alien colon erection.

Fuck.

So wait.

You said the aliens made us.

Did you guys see Alien Circumcision?

It was pretty good.

Is that the premise of that movie that the aliens made us?

How about the born erection?

That's good.

It's a baby with a hard ass dick.

I can't remember why I have this boner.

Okay, I like that.

That dick's really hard.

He knows who he is completely, though.

He just doesn't remember why he's hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He can't remember what made him.

Yeah.

My name is Jason Bourne.

I'm fully aware of everything.

This Cooper's like.

It's just this bar.

God damn it.

You're part of a government program to get people hard.

You got to get back to the CIA.

Come home right now, Jason.

You don't walk around with your dick hard like that.

You think he'd be like a perma-hard dick, or even if he jerks it off, it stays hard?

Damn.

Well, that's what makes him a special secret weapon and not just a regular.

Ooh, yes.

He fucks for the government.

Yeah.

dude that would be a prison if you could never get a dick a soft dick imagine being always hard and you're always thinking about that's a real thing

that'd be terrible probably

the only bliss i have in this life

in high school my friend yeah i mean being yeah to me being straight is always being hard

that's the definition of

being i don't know man the only time i have bliss is when i've after i've beat off for like seven minutes my friend popped us in viagra when we were like out of sleepover and we were were 14.

No, and he was like hard for hours.

He was just like, wait, guys, let's play Alien.

Cut off my dick and suck it.

No, he was like freaking out.

Wait, why did he do that?

It was just as a joke.

He like stole it from his dad.

Yeah.

As a joke, is this guy gay?

Was this the 300 guy?

No, no, that guy was in college.

Oh.

Brian.

So as a joke, this 14-year-old took a Viagra.

And we might have been 13 even.

What?

We're young.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you think he fucked fucked any of you guys?

I got this dude, Giagra, and it's just for guys.

Yep.

Giagra?

Yeah.

No girls are allowed.

You're not allowed to take this drug.

It's guys only.

What would happen?

Yep.

What would happen if a woman took Viagra?

She blood rushed to her pussy?

Her puss would get

them before they vote, I think.

What's that?

They make them before they vote.

I don't think women are allowed to vote unless they pop a Viagra before they vote.

Makes sense.

Yeah.

Shouts out to Bob Dole,

former Viagra sponsor.

Yeah.

And Pepsi.

And Pepsi.

That's how he would calm down afterwards.

I'm Bob Dole.

If there's one thing I love, it's having an erection and drinking in a Pepsi Cola.

Yeah, he did them both at the same time.

It's wild to lose president and then just to get on a commercial and tell people you can't get hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, but every, remember, like, remember that?

Because, like, I guess we're old enough to remember, like, it used to be that you got old enough where your dick just didn't work anymore.

Yeah, and that was you were free.

And then you got into whittling.

You got into like sitting on the porch and whittling.

Putting your thumbs up.

Yeah, fucking.

And when Viagra came out, and it was like, I guess that's

that, like, a whole thing that was just true as a part of your life just stopped existing.

Yep.

Must be amazing.

You keep fucking with that chemical-ass, weird Viagra dick.

Damn.

Yo, I stopped taking Adderall, and I gotta say, my dick's getting nice and hard again.

Yeah, because it fucks with your circulation.

I had a real stiff one recently.

Really?

Yeah, it was pretty good.

Were you like proud of it?

I was proud of it.

Yeah, I did.

Did you give it a little pat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a good dick pic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just to have.

It was nice lighting, too.

I told you guys, right, the first time a girl asked me for a dick pic, I didn't know that you were supposed to get hard.

That happened every time he had sex.

No, that's not just.

I thought it was hard when you saw something you don't like.

So that's why I would look at Naked men.

It's supposed to be soft

for girls.

If you hate it, it throws up.

It spits.

It's supposed to be soft.

Nice and soft.

Who doesn't like something soft?

It gets hard when it's scared and angry

of other men.

So I say, I'm in the locker room.

I say, get away from me.

I'm pointing at the people I want to leave me alone.

i'm pointing at their rock hard bodies

that's a good one that's pretty funny

yeah we have fun here grace this is a fun one yeah

the music that for the battle excuse me yeah excuse me but i have not finished gaming oh come on dude could you turn the volume down a little bit turn the volume we just have to listen no the fans want to hear

what's going on in the game

you don't want to fucking have them lose context and not understand the severity of World War II.

Yeah, Nick is now in

Ottoman Turkey.

Is that right?

I think this is Ichichalia.

Ichichalia.

Ichichalia.

Alitalia.

That's how it's pronounced in their language.

Yo, did you know?

I think the Arab airline bought Alitalia.

Emirates?

I think Emirates bought Alitalia.

Now they're wearing like...

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's weird.

They got the same outfit, but it's in green.

I want to fly Emirates.

Apparently, it's really nice.

I want to hijack an Emirates plane and fly it into their favorite building.

Yeah, see how they like it.

Yeah, dude, wherever they do the camel races.

No, wherever the camel market is.

No, this is not acceptable.

Yeah, the World Turbine Center.

How about that,

folks?

Woo!

I hope some fucking dumbass redneck tries to hijack an Emirates plane.

Flies it into a Sikh temple

into the Taj Mahal

God that would be awesome

he flies it he flies it back into the New World Trade Center because he thinks the entire thing is the ground zero mosque yeah yeah

oh fuck

damn do you think you could fly a plane how long do you think you'd keep a plane up in the air uh if it was they pretty much they pretty much fly fly on their own.

Yeah, it's all like automated.

Yeah, taking off and landing is the hard part.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, I was thinking about getting my pilot's license last year.

You going to do it?

Maybe.

Seems dangerous, dude.

No, it's not.

You get like a, I think it's called a sports license or a sportsman license.

Would you do fucking barrel rolls and shit?

No, I don't think they let you do that.

That would be awesome, though.

No, no.

It only costs like, I think like five to six grand.

To be a pilot?

To learn how to be a pilot?

Yeah, to get like, you know, all your hours or whatever.

And then what?

You buy your own plane and shit?

Yeah, I guess eventually.

You should get a Sesma, dude.

Yeah, is that what I should get?

Yeah.

But wouldn't it just be easier to just fly commercial?

No, I mean, it's not.

It's not for transport.

It's for a hobby.

Oh, yeah, I got spots tonight.

So I got to leave at 11 a.m.

so I can be at the airfield.

Fly into midtown.

Go to prison for landing my plane.

What if you got a helicopter, though?

A helicopter?

You can land that anywhere.

I don't know about the helicopter training program.

I've never looked into it.

I would imagine it's a lot harder.

Yeah, it seems harder.

You can just take off wherever, though, dude.

Yeah.

Go straight up in the air.

That is true.

What I should get is one of those, like, bayou hovercrafts.

Ooh.

Fan boat?

Yeah, one of those big-ass fan boats.

That would be awesome, dude.

Just fucking ride that motherfucker with your shirt open.

Yeah.

Flapping in the wind.

Just imagine imagine me showing up to open mics and everyone's like, oh my god, who's that?

Who's that guy?

He has his own hovercraft.

Is that Darkwing Duck?

I want to fuck Darkwing Duck.

Oh, yeah.

And that's my future.

Put that whole big hat in my pussy, Darkwing Duck.

Fold it up.

Put your beak in my pussy and open it like this.

Like a speculum.

Give me a pap smear, darkwing duck.

Nick just got owned.

I had to put the controller down.

Bringing Fire 77 just stabbed you, bitch.

You got fucking armed with a knife.

Assault Order of Le Fever.

Ah,

La Sai, right, guys?

Yeah, Le Sai Lols.

Why did that shit?

Because was that gay shit like the most popular shit of all time?

That flash animation?

Yeah.

Was it just saying La, whatever.

The end of the world, was that it?

I don't know.

That was what it was.

I thought it was.

Speaking of one of the gayest jokes of all time, the fucking every joke you've ever heard.

The cold, yeah, thank you.

The cold pockets.

Nick, you're not on Twitter, so you missed this.

Oh, yeah, did you see that shit?

No, Twitter hasn't been funny for years.

No,

it's been over by people that aren't actually funny, and they just repeat the same thing over and over again.

Fine, yeah, you're right.

You're right about that.

But no, this.

So, why are we still talking about it if I'm right about it?

No, no, no.

But we're not talking about something.

That's a very good point.

Good Good ass point.

Thanks.

Saf can just go.

Yeah, this shit sucked, though, though.

Because he's respected and he's allowed to finish sentences.

Dude, because he has tremendous.

I'm a fucking alpha, motherfucker.

No, it's not about it.

So am I.

I don't do respect.

I only do disrespect.

So you're disrespecting me because you respect me?

Yeah, it's like how heat is the absence of cold or the other ways.

That's the other way around.

Cold is the absence of heat.

Yes.

Adam,

what did we say about you saying science on the show?

Dude, I don't know.

You're not allowed science.

Yeah.

My respect is the absence of disrespect because you're taking all the disrespect.

Well, the gravitational orb of how disrespectful.

Can I tell you something gross?

Something sensitive right now?

Yeah.

In front of the audience?

Yeah.

I respect both of you.

Tremendous respect.

That's cool, I guess.

Anyway, yeah, that cold pockets thing was, I don't know, some gay shit.

Like, someone was like, this is the funniest fucking thing.

It's cold.

It's like absurdist humor is so much fun.

They said,

no old

white man comedian who's upset about PC culture has ever made a joke as funny as this cold pockets Photoshop where someone changed a box of hot pockets to say cold pockets.

Yeah, it was so fucking stupid.

I don't know why I'm not sure.

And the reason absurdist humor is so popular today is because

it doesn't hurt anyone.

Right, right, right.

Unlike these first.

Somebody sent me the picture of the Burlington Cheesecoat Factory,

and everyone was like,

I mean, it got retweeted like 10 million times.

It's like,

okay,

yeah, exactly.

It's like, all right.

Like, I'll see this and be like, huh.

Like,

is this a strong joke?

I don't fucking get it.

Yeah.

That shit was also not a good joke.

It's just

coal.

It's the opposite.

An HBO special, right?

And it's like one of those like one-night stand specials, so it's an hour long, and it starts

and like it starts, and there's like a severely handicapped, you know, I don't know, trained throw ash as many small as you can, sure.

And then it's them behind backstage, and it's like, you know, they're just like catatonic in the chair,

they're staring at the keyboard, and it's like,

I

have

been

living

for

this

moment

for

my

entire

life.

This

is

for

you,

mom,

both

of

you,

oh, lesbian moms, both my

moms

or you.

And then, you know, they kick open the emergency exit door, and then they go out on stage, and the special begins.

Crowds roaring, right?

You know, they're laughing, they're already like,

this is the greatest comedian in the world.

Once we've gotten rid of all the white men comedians, sure, sure.

It's a crippled Madison Square crowd.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a crippled transgender.

They're just

screaming at the top of the lung.

And then we see, you know, a far shot.

We see the whole audience.

And the chair is slowly making its way to the middle of the stage.

Like,

49 minutes later, the chair finally reaches the middle of the stage.

And then they say,

It's like

hot

pockets.

pocket

produced by Dave Becky,

executive producer, Harvey Weinstead.

Special thanks to Louis C.K.

HBO, One Night Stand.

Yeah, that's just that's that's good, man.

Yeah, that's the future.

I saw that, yeah.

What's this?

LeBron James got ejected in the game he's playing in right now.

He got ejected first time in his career.

He ejected it everyone beat off on LeBron.

It was a Bukaki.

Everyone lined up and beat off in his eyes.

Man, poor LeBron James.

Rough.

Even the refs beat off in his mouth.

Yeah, that's the hardest part about being a basketball player: getting ejaculated from the game.

If the ref really pisses you off, you can get ejaculated.

Damn.

Man, imagine being like in a Bukaki, like waiting to beat off on someone, and you're like eighth.

Yeah.

That's got to be a horrible feeling.

What, the runt of the Bukaki?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just waiting.

He can't suck any of the come to

yeah, I don't know, man.

Who wants to beat off?

You're just sitting there, you're watching it, you're looking at other guys beating off in preparation.

Maybe that's your thing.

It's not my thing.

I mean, I couldn't have these are kind of for the viewer.

It's not really for anybody there.

I know, but it's strange to beat.

But those guys are

even less than that less it's also part of like traditional japanese culture that's true i am being it's like i am being samurai did come up with that

it's even less extreme i don't know i don't think i could do a devil's three away absolutely not just because of the slapping you know just hearing a guy's balls balls go back like slapping on his on his gooch on her ass and her thigh i mean it's all respect if like if that's your thing if that's your thing no i don't think

the three with adam is the guy fucks him in the ass No, it's not a strap on to fuck his mouth.

No, it's not.

Adam's like, I had a three survival.

Me and my girlfriend, this hot guy, she read a magazine in the corner of the room while I sucked his dick.

Sarah used to, Sarah used to do a bit about that.

Oh, really?

Yeah, about dating a gay guy.

Oh, yeah, she literally did date a gay guy.

Yeah, he was like sucking another guy's dick and crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, realizing he was gay.

Yeah, it's so funny.

That is pretty good.

Just like you, I didn't realize you and Sarah dated.

We didn't date.

Yeah.

Because that's who that bit is about.

It's about you.

No, it's not.

Yeah, she goes, I used to date this guy.

We'll call him Grace.

What?

Damn, son.

Adam's gay.

Yeah.

So I guess the two big things we need to talk about.

Yes, of course.

Bitcoin, crypto,

through the goddamn roof.

Stop and I have a lot of

points on the page.

I sold.

Yep.

I got a lot of points on the package.

I sold.

I have a million dollars.

Well, it's funny because neither of you have any money in crypto, and as we both know, I have just cleared $250,000

in my investments.

Shut up.

It's true.

You're going to quit the show.

I'm going to talk about it because I don't want my shit to get hacked.

Yeah, yeah.

You're right.

The only thing I buy is electronics.

I literally went to get.

The amount of money.

I know you can just say, you know, oh, yeah, if you had done something, whatever.

But literally, the

purchases I would have given him, I would have made $50,000 by now had I bought when I saw it.

Coming back from LA, when you learned about that.

You were talking about it a lot.

I didn't learn about it then.

I just stopped paying attention to it for years.

Because I really, I just only ever really paid attention to Bitcoin and maybe Litecoin.

Also, I never had any money.

So it was like, wow,

wouldn't it be amazing if I had $100?

I still don't understand what the fuck it is.

You could use it to buy shit, but you buy it with dollars.

Yeah, dude.

It's so sick.

I don't get it.

If you had a bunch of Bitcoin, couldn't you just buy shit with security?

Just don't even bother thinking it's a shit.

Just imagine it like a security, and then it's like

it's, I mean, it's something you can fucking invest in.

I don't know what a security is either.

Like a stock.

Okay.

Yeah.

I know what a stock is.

But it's a.

You're investing in a computer algorithm.

Seems crazy.

And then net neutrality, that's the other thing people.

What's a Bitcoin?

It's not the fucking coin that Mario gets.

Isn't that what a Bitcoin is?

No.

It's digital.

Maybe Sonic Bitcoin

is Adam's Jewish comedian character.

I do.

Which is just him.

Hey, it's me.

Adam Bitcoin.

The Jewish comedian.

You flick a nickel at him, he'll do good for you.

It's my Jewish, my traditional, it's a Jewish family name, Bitcoin.

Five cents and show.

We were the clowns of the bank.

We lived in the bank, and we would say, How about this weather?

I don't know whether or not I should go outside

Bitcoin

Bitcoin,

And then Jesus came in.

He's like, that shit fucking sucks, dude.

It's not funny.

Stop doing business.

Yeah, oh, that's what it was.

And then I said to the Romans, I said, you know,

not for nothing.

He kind of reminded me of it.

I'm not going to tell you to, but if you wanted to kill him,

I'm not going to.

It's not my idea, it would be your idea, and you would have to go through with

word from the tattletale race.

There's a man named Jesus going around

doing shit at the bank or something.

I don't know.

Yeah, why did they get him got?

Because he said he was the king of the Jews and they said that wasn't chill.

Nah, he wasn't paying taxes.

Oh, really?

Of course.

Tax evasion?

Yeah.

Jesus was libertarian?

Yeah, libertarian Jesus.

Marone.

Libertarian.

Jesus.

Someone to defend net neutrality for no reason other than to be an autistic, principled, fucking retard that thinks the end of net neutrality is good.

Wait, do some libertarians think net neutrality is good?

No, well, they don't like net neutrality.

What?

How does that make any sense?

They're against regulation.

Oh, they're against the government.

So they think businesses should be able to charge $100 to use Twitter or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

They're like in favor of that?

They're in favor of the market deciding the best way for consumers to access the internet.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

Well, what's stupid is that.

So they think that phones shouldn't be like a public utility.

Yeah, I don't think about walking.

I mean, I'm not, I don't know what they think about phone lines, but I mean...

It's not

general, the idea is, yes, everything should be deregulated.

So the idea is that

the Internet is a communications tool, right?

So that's why people want net neutrality?

No.

It's like the phone?

Well, yeah.

There was a piece of legislation that

makes the FCC regard

internet companies as public utilities.

And as public utilities, they're not allowed to throttle connections or, you know,

give,

I guess, precedence on the network to like one,

you know, like Comcast can't just be like,

we don't fuck with Netflix, so their speed is going to be lower or whatever.

Right, exactly.

And I guess the arguments, there's, I mean, many, but, you know, that, like, oh, well, if, you know, you don't like what they're doing, you can just switch to another provider.

And it's like, in most cases,

you don't have the option.

You only have one, maybe two.

Yeah, yeah.

Where I live, it's just optimum.

Yeah, like, I can't get Time Warner.

Yeah, we tried to switch.

We tried to switch from Time Warner.

We couldn't fucking.

Yeah, I can't get any other internet.

Yeah, it's just Time Warner and they're all like Monopolast.

Yeah, shit's dumb.

I like how that's so fucking dumb.

It's like the government shouldn't regulate

Comcast.

Louis Gomez was tweeting about it.

He's like, oh, yeah.

He's like, dude,

he's like,

every video I look at that says everything you need to know about net neutrality is pretty biased towards net neutrality.

And I'm like, well,

I mean, it's just like, look at your cell phone data plan and look at how much more you pay for that than you do for home internet service.

Right, right, right.

And look at the different ways they fucking nickel and dime you.

The fact that, like, I pay $30 a month for unlimited texting added onto my plan because Verizon doesn't just offer that.

Never mind the fact that it's the same network.

Right, right, right, right.

It doesn't make any fucking difference.

There's no way it should cost an additional $30.

But there's four companies, and

you don't really have that many choices.

Yeah, I mean, that shit is fucking so dumb to think we should have net neutrality.

In Portugal, they don't have it.

And so, like, you have to pay per like what you want the internet for.

So, if you, if you want Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, it's $15.

And then if you want YouTube, something else, something else, it's an additional $15.

Right, if you want to stream shit,

you have to pay for each.

The internet should be like fucking electricity, dude.

Suck my dick.

Suck my dick Comcast.

Yeah, I mean, there's still going to be like, it's not going to be as dramatic as people think it is where suddenly everything's way more expensive because the companies don't want to lose customers.

Right.

So like if

something does, you know, and

they do also, like, it would violate antitrust law for them to throttle Netflix if they offer their own competing streaming service.

Right, right.

So they still can't do things like that.

I don't know, man.

The idea that this will allow companies to compete more and it'll ultimately bring down prices isn't true because the market's already locked up.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what I mean.

It's like

do antitrust laws even fucking exist?

Like, these motherfuckers all just kind of get their own antitrust laws exist.

But, like, in this case, it doesn't feel like,

yeah, they're only like three fucking companies.

What the fuck?

Well, they're like, they all just keep buying each other and shit.

They still compete.

I mean, like.

In theory, but they don't really, like, geographically, there's how,

like, and how much of the fucking.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but you know what I mean.

Like, it doesn't really feel like there's that much competition.

Yeah, there isn't.

And it's hard, and it's hard for smaller companies to, like, if somebody wanted to start their own ISP, it's like hard to get, you know, approval from the FCC to do that.

Yeah.

Fucking dumb, dude.

Yeah.

I want my free internet, dude.

Make that shit free.

That's my.

That's what I i mean like that's like what do you think adam yeah yes i agree there's this shit like uh i mean i haven't paid attention to it in years but when they got rid of uh

when they got rid of like remember like old tv service like the rabbit ears yeah yeah yeah they got rid of that those frequencies were like auctioned off by the fcc

and

uh i think sprint brought bought up like the the like best chunk of like the uhf or vhf you know bandwidth or whatever and they were presumably going to use it for some kind of WiMAX service and then I don't think they did what's what's WiMAC why like citywide Wi-Fi oh shit citywide high speed Wi-Fi holy fuck yeah which would like alleviate a lot of the problems with like the smaller network congestion and shit yeah and it just never fucking happened damn you know or at least I I don't think it did again this was like 10 years ago when all this happened so I don't know like what they're doing with it but like it should be that if there's like an unused frequency band,

anyone should be able to use it.

The way it should follow is that if you find a use for that and you're already using it, then at that point, you can apply for ownership of it to the FCC, like you would with copyright.

The way patents work, it's not like, oh, yeah,

how about

a way to get to the moon?

And they're like, oh, how do you do it?

It's like, I don't know, but now no one's allowed to go to the moon unless we come up with it first.

And that's not the way it works with these bandwidths that can just be fucking like bought up by a company, you know, at like an auction where

there's no way anybody can fucking compete with, you know, and that is an argument against regulation or whatever.

But like, those are the arguments that

I could listen to a libertarian make.

It's not just like, you know, fucking raising your stupid eyebrow and be like,

net neutrality, huh?

Oh, it should be the government.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, yeah, if everything's already like regulated

shit and the the fucking, you know, there is no free market anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, I think we should have the one piece of

legislation that prevents these companies from fucking us over.

But they're going to keep fucking us.

They're going to keep slow fucking us.

Now we got damn

Trump in office.

We're fucked.

Yeah, dude.

Melania.

I'd also like to point out the head of the FCC, Indian guy.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

They're hot on the track of the market.

He's a real piece of shit, that guy.

worst type of male.

They got Dinesh.

Yeah, they got Dinites.

They got that guy at the diner we saw who had a Hitler.

Who had Hitler mustache?

That was wild, dude.

Yeah.

Just did a fucking.

Just in crown motherfucking heights or wherever the fuck we were.

Clinton Hill.

Clinton Hill with a damn Hitler mustache.

Yeah, that guy looked like Keith Urban.

Look like Indian Keith Urban.

Australian country guy.

But he had short hair.

Doesn't Keith Urban have like a little bull cut type thing?

He's got like John Bon Jovi, like straight, flat ironed, feathered hair.

Oh, yeah.

John Bond.

That guy fucked in his day, huh?

John Bon Jovi.

No, he was a queer.

How about John Bond's men?

Bond's men?

Yeah, Bonesman.

Okay.

Do you guys ever have wet dreams about John Bon Jovi?

About John Bon Jovi.

No.

I think you mean yes, Adam.

Owned.

Rack him.

I have been bested.

I had a wet dream about.

No, I don't really think I have ever had any wet dreams.

Yeah, I've never had a wet dream.

I remember thinking there was something wrong with me when I was a kid because it's like, why am I not coming in my pants?

Yeah.

Because they show you those videos in health class, and I was under the impression that I was supposed to be coming in my pants all the time.

The whole thing.

And that's literally never happened my entire life.

Never once?

I've never come in my pants.

No.

Yeah, because I always jack off before bed.

Right, right.

And then if you didn't jack off, you got him.

Yeah, but I jack off all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, like, even like when, like, you know, don't fucking touch that speaker.

Don't touch what?

Keep your...

I can see your hand going back.

My hand is not touching the speaker.

You can't prove it.

Oh, he's...

You're touching it, bitch.

I'm not touching anything.

Just don't fucking touch it, man.

I don't know why.

I'm literally not coming into contact with it.

Well, anyways, you know, in movies and shit, there'd always be like a guy kissing a girl, and he comes in his pants.

And it's like, that's.

Well, I've never come in my pants, but I've come in my sleep.

I guess I was wearing pants, so technically.

But never, like, you know.

I like almost cummed once from dry humping when I was like 14, 15, but never really.

Y'all are gay, dude.

Shut up.

I've never come.

Come's gay.

Cumming is gay.

I'm the most principled man in the world.

Yeah, I just remember one very memorable dream where it was Trish Stratus, and and I fucked her in the ring, and everyone, it was like an arena full of people watching me fuck her.

It was such a gay dream.

I know.

We went on a romantic date.

No, it wasn't the

museum.

And then I got on one knee and I said.

It's the opposite of what I said.

Trish, I have a poem to read to you.

Please step outside into the rain.

Kiss me upside down.

Not rain.

Ring.

The ring.

I thought you said the ring.

No, the ring.

It's a big arena.

Everyone's watching me fuck up.

Did you do the Spider-Man upside-down kiss?

No, not the ring.

The ring, the R-I-N-G.

Dude, that's the center of the fucking arena, dude.

That's a blue soundtrack.

There goes my hero.

No, man.

What was that, Kermit the Frog saying that?

No, that was Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters.

Dave Grohl, by the way,

pretty good run, huh?

Nirvana.

Two bands, dude.

Two big bands.

I'm a theory that he's behind the Andrew W.K.

conspiracy.

That he's behind it?

Andrew Dice Clay?

Because Andrew took too much.

Andrew W.

Clay.

Andrew W.

Clay?

Yep.

Let's get a party going.

Let's get a party going.

Everyone loves a party because you're a fucking broad.

You're a dumb bitch.

This is great.

President Trump's claims that the Access Holly video was Access Hollywood video was fake have...

Hold on.

have stunned aides at a time of heightened awareness of harassment.

Oh, never mind.

This is literally not news.

Why is that?

Why are we

talking about that?

The access Hollywood tape is like.

Because Trump said it was fake.

Did you see this fucking Project Veridas thing?

Hilarious.

Yeah.

That is insane.

The Washington Post thing?

Good for the Washington Post.

They hired a woman to say she got raped, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, good for the Washington Post.

To try and make the fucking Washington Post look like they're full of shit.

Good for the Washington Post for catching that shit.

James O'Keefe is such a piece of shit.

That shit is so funny.

There's so many people.

Well, it's also like, if that was successful, like, what does that prove?

Right.

Did they listen to a woman?

That you were a fucking liar.

Committed fraud.

No, it's more than that.

They're trying to undermine the entire, like, always believe movement.

That's like.

I understand what they're doing, but it's like...

Yeah.

At some point, they have to say, like,

you know, we got you or whatever.

And then

what does it do?

It's never.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's like just to say, oh, this is the Washington Post is fake news or something.

To say what?

We lied to other journalists and fucking spent a bunch of money to craft a fake story.

Right, right, right.

Like, that's not, that's, that's a lot different than, like, the UVA Jackie thing, which was like a legitimate failure of journalism.

It's not like a fucking psychopathic organization.

Wait, that was the Rolling Stone thing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, Jackie, they used to call gay guys Jackies.

Yeah, now they call them.

They call them Nancy's.

No, Jackies.

Nancy's.

That was

in the movie Midnight Cowboy.

They called them all Jackies.

That's a good movie.

You guys know that?

I remember I saw that movie.

It's about Midnight Plowboy.

He does already get his dick sucked by the same thing.

Yeah.

It's pretty much the same thing as Midnight Cowboy.

Yeah, I remember thinking it was super weird.

No, first of all, no, it's not.

The first time he.

First of all, no, it's not.

The first trick he turns in that movie.

It's in the movie theater.

And then I remember thinking it was really weird that the guy was paying him to suck his dick.

I think

I think I saw that when I was like 16 or 17, I think I told the story on the podcast, but Eldis made us re-watch that scene while we watched it in college because it made me so uncomfortable.

And he kept, whenever we'd be hanging out, he would just pull it up.

He would just pull up the part where Angela and Jolie's dad gets his dick sucked by this guy who looks like Rick Moranis.

Yeah, yeah, he does look like Rick Moranis.

Adam looks like Rick Moranis.

A little bit.

I do.

A little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I accept that.

Uglier, not as endearing.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm the same activities per Midnight Cowboy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I look more like.

Yeah, that was Rick Moranis' first role.

That was the prequel to series Everyone,

Beloved Series, Honey, I Suck the Dick.

Honey, get in here.

Rick, where have you been?

Oh, I got bad news.

I sucked a dick on the way home.

What?

Because it was a science experiment.

This summer, honey, I sucked a dick too.

Like, it happened again?

It's just a fucking 12-minute shot, static shot of him sucking a cock.

It's so graphic.

No, no, no, no.

It's him sucking a giant bee's dick, and they don't explain why there's giant bees and bugs and shit.

He's just a really tiny man that's sucking sucking off bugs.

It's Adam sucking off bugs, dicks.

No, I'm a bug.

How could I suck a bug?

Because

you're the bug bottom.

No, Rick Moranis isn't a bug at all.

You in real life are a bug.

True.

In your acting career, you played a big guy named Rick Moranis in a movie called Honey I Sucked a Dick.

And it's

Honey, I Sucked a Dick Two, Honey, I Sucked a Dick Three, and Honey, I Sucked a Dick Four.

Where you suck off bugs.

giant bugs,

big-ass dicks you can barely fit your whole mouth around.

But when there's a will, there's a way.

Inexplicably, he's now a tiny man

sucking off everything in the garden.

This makes a lot of sense.

I will say.

Oh, damn, dude.

It does, bitch.

I wish I had.

Now I'm mad that I didn't make all that money in crypto, so I couldn't just finance this film.

Oh, yeah, dude.

If I had, like, if I had made, if I had $10 billion,

I would be like, yeah, I'll pay $10 million to have that shot.

That would be awesome.

Yeah.

That would be really funny.

We bring Rick Moranis out of retirement to coach Adam on how to suck the dicks.

I respect him for getting out the game.

Yeah, he did it.

And for honorable reasons, too, yeah.

He killed his wife and then

she got really fat, and

she had to kill herself.

So he had to be in the middle of the day.

She died in some kind of tragic way, right?

Yeah, she got really fat.

I'm not saying it's not tragic.

It's a, you know,

when you have to put a woman down,

like a horse that broke its leg.

Sometimes you gotta.

It's sad.

It's a sad rule,

that's what Old Yeller's about, right?

Stop laughing.

His mom gets too fat.

It's not funny.

Stop laughing.

That Seinfeld when fucking Kramer tried to apologize.

Oh, no, I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're on the Tonight Show or something.

Yeah, they went on Letterman or something, and he was like,

I'm so sorry.

And then the audience laughed.

Accurately described that man in the audience.

I really apologize for being completely dead on by his behavior.

I'm sorry for nailing it.

That's how funny Kramer was.

Like, he couldn't even apologize for being racist without getting a laugh.

Because they were like, oh, fall down, hurt yourself.

Damn, imagine being that good at comedy.

I know.

Such a tremendous talent.

Do you see that?

Have you seen that clip, though?

Jerry Seinfeld, like, scolding the audience.

Yeah, he's like, stop laughing.

It's not funny.

It is funny to see Jerry Seinfeld just not get what he wants in that sense.

Being rich as hell, that guy probably hasn't been told no.

What the fuck isn't he making, honey?

Well, B movie.

He's got the B movie once.

That's right.

He played that B that got his dicks up.

By Ray Liotta as a B.

Ray Liotta was in one of the voices?

Yeah, he played.

I mean, the B looked exactly like Ray Liota.

I thought it was Jerry Seinfeld.

No,

the other B, man.

The bad guy?

I don't know, man.

I didn't watch the movie.

I just saw the part where he sucked the dick.

Wait, you saw a B movie?

No, I didn't.

I really didn't.

I never saw it.

Yeah, I don't think anyone saw it.

Yeah, I don't know.

He really put a lot of money.

Like, he was promoting the shit out of it, though, for some reason.

That's pretty cool that Seinfeld failed at something.

I'm jealous of him having a lot of money.

He was trying to get over the breakup with the 17-year-old.

So he put his money in the B movie.

Yo, what's she up to these days?

Shoshana, she's married.

Is she looking good?

I mean, she was.

Shoshana, what kind of name is that?

Eskimo?

It's Jewish.

No, Jewish Eskimo?

She was just some rich Jewish girl from L.A.

How about instead of Inuit, it's Intuit, which, if you don't know, is the company that makes it

the company that makes, yeah.

That joke would be funnier if people knew into it.

Yeah, but it's good.

I don't know if you're a bad person.

Yeah.

Adam doesn't pay taxes.

Yes, I do.

No, he doesn't.

Where'd you get those socks?

Are those warm socks, Adam?

Costco.

Costco Wool Blend hiking socks, best winter socks.

That's Adam's

Adam's Telecom.

Adam's deal corner.

You should get that.

I wish we could do other sponsorships.

McDonald's.

McDonald's would be cool.

We were talking about McCafe sponsoring us.

You know who sponsors everybody is that Razor company.

Yeah, I could use it.

Yeah, yeah, Harry's shave.

Don't give them free advertising.

There's another one, too.

Frankie shave.

No, it's not.

It's Harry's.

You fucking

backtrack it.

No, the dollar shave.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Gillette.

Why don't we get sponsored by Gillette?

I don't know, man.

I already just bought that fucking Phillips One Blade thing.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I use.

Yeah, why use it at your house?

It's great.

He said it was good.

He said it was good, but he doesn't need to shave.

I do need to shave.

You don't grow any facial air at all.

You have a full

beard.

Four hairs on your face.

Bob Vila-style, thick.

Bob Vila's the first bearded guy you thought of?

Yeah, well, he was very influential on my Adam's face looks like a cat's asshole.

What was that?

Delicious.

A few small pieces of fuzz around the edges, but muscles.

Shit.

Yeah.

A puckered piece of shit.

Nick, our mustaches are just as good as each other's.

Our mustaches are tied right now.

You're out of your fucking mind.

No, but what are you talking about?

We both have full, thick mustaches.

I know.

I have a pencil mustache now, which you can't grow.

Well, I have a full

mustache.

I could convert it to a pencil, but I prefer to grow.

You can't look in your face right now.

Only real men can grow a mustache real tight over the lip.

You, John Waters.

Yeah.

Who else?

Go Master.

Tom Selleck.

Just a pervert.

Tom's like at a thickie.

Yeah, but it grows down on the lip.

If you can't grow your mustache down on the lip, you're no.

As you can see, it's on the side.

On the big white spot.

Looks like you've been drinking a big old glass of cum.

Yeah.

In the middle?

It doesn't connect in the middle either.

That is a classic look.

A pencil with a gap in the middle.

That is the classic look.

First of all, it's not a pencil mustache.

That is not directly.

Classic Garcon

French waiter restaurant look.

The gap.

French restaurant waiter.

What?

The gap in the middle?

The gap with the two pencils.

I'll never be able to grow fucking facial hair.

It sucks, man.

Didn't you have like a beard kind of thing?

Maybe like an under-the-chin thing?

No, I've never done that.

I mean, I'll grow.

You get stubble.

I'll grow a little stubs, but that's it.

Sucks.

Have you ever let it really grow?

It looks horrible.

It looks like fucking

the head.

Like pubes.

It looks like pubes.

When I grow my mustache out to the best of my ability, it just looks like...

tangled eyelashes.

Yeah, it looks like eyelashes

over my lip.

Looks really good.

I might grow a mustache like that.

Shitty mustache.

Why not?

You know, that's what I say.

I'm glad that

I found a way to ease my way out of having a mustache.

Are you going to go no mustache after that?

No, but I mean, the pencil thing's a nice in-between.

Yes.

You look good without a mustache, I think.

I don't know.

I think I look weird without a mustache.

No, I had a mustache.

I would have looked better without a mustache.

You've had it for so long, but I think you would look better without.

Well, I guess maybe I should respect a gay man's opinion.

Yeah.

Let me

use my queer eyes, dude.

Yeah.

We have fun here.

We do, guys.

We really do.

We've got one queer eye and one

eye that's just lost.

You know, Arby's?

Arby's bought fucking Buffalo Wild Wings.

Buffalo Wild Wings.

We discussed

on the pipecast.

We're bringing it everywhere.

Yeah, what a travesty that is, man.

Are you upset about this?

Yes, Buffalo Wildlings is a great friend.

When's the last time you went to Buffalo Wild Wings?

I haven't been in a hot minute.

It's been a year or two, but...

It's been a couple me and my brothers used to go to the White Marsh Buffalo Wild Wings and watch UFC events.

It's maybe been like a decade for

it's awesome, dude.

You know how many like wannabe MMA guys there?

It could have turned into a fucking race ward anyway.

I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my friend Brendan one time, and our waiter comes up.

He was like, and he just comes up to the table.

He's like,

he's already drunk.

The waiter is fucking hammered.

And this guy was like, you know, potbelly is fucking.

He's like,

he's like balding, but it's like that point where like, you know, he never, like, no one ever told him he was balding.

So it's just like this sweaty, you know, like tuft just placed on top of his fucking head.

And like, you know, his like,

his stubble connects with his chest hair, you know, like just this fucking like drenched in his own filth, you know, guys.

He's like, he's like, you ever been in fucking Buffalo Wildlings before?

You know,

like, I'm going to tell you my fucking fucking favorites, you know.

He's like, My name's Mikey, I'm here to hook it up.

Uh, whatever you need all night long, I got you, you know.

And uh, we're like ordering, and then he keeps coming back over to check on us.

And eventually, this woman, this like middle-aged woman, comes up and starts, like, while he's talking to us, like hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

And she's like, She's like, I love you, I love him.

And she's like, This is my son, and it's his birthday.

The waiter, the waiter, and his like drunk old mom was there.

And she came to

the family, he was there.

Yeah, he's like working his birthday shit.

His family came to Buffalo Wildlings to spend his birthday with him.

That's sick.

And we were like, happy birthday, man.

We were like, how old are you?

And he's like, 21.

Oh, my God.

I thought this guy was like 37.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

He was like a 21-year-old.

It just looked like absolute shit.

And his mom was like, my baby's grown up.

Honestly, that's kind of sweet, though, on some level.

His family was there the whole time.

Yeah, I guess.

It's cute, dude.

I don't know.

I mean, that's my exposure to Buffalo Wild Wings.

It's good, man.

I just,

it's weird because you're at Buffalo Wild Wings and, like, a certain part of you expects there to be strippers.

Like, you have that same anticipation where you're like, I'm eating steak fries.

Yep.

The music is garbage.

Yep.

I'm going to have to see some

big old fake tits.

Some juicy yum yums, some jumbos.

Yeah.

I still.

I've never interacted with a fake titty in a sex way.

I have, but it was from a

prostitute.

From a trans.

A woman I was paying.

Yeah.

Adam's blue.

Rough trade gay sex.

It's like a big thing.

What is rough trade gay sex?

I don't know.

I just love the way it sounds.

I think it's probably like...

It sounds like a real thing.

I know that's a record probably.

A record record story.

And anytime I see the bags, I say the whole thing in my mind.

Rough trade gay sex.

It makes me laugh so hard.

You think it's like they meet each other up and then fuck?

No, I think rough trade case.

You go down by the docks and you meet some boys.

Yeah, it's like you're fucking somebody for like a job or something.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't know.

I have no idea.

I've heard it once or twice.

Sounds pretty good.

For a job?

For a nice pair of Levi's.

Ooh.

That's the only way to get into my jeans.

Just fuck my ass.

You want to get yourself a jeans.

You want to wear a nice

jeans?

You got to fuck my ass.

He's just being removed for Macy's.

You're the guy.

Sorry, we told you nine times.

You got to stop doing this.

Coming into Macy's, trying to trick people into fucking your ass.

You bring your own name tag.

Hello?

Oh, no, no.

Come over here.

He ready.

He said it.

It's only with the wearing the average genes involved.

He falled my ass.

And then he fought me in front of the manic.

He said, You have such a nice boy pussy.

Where did you get it?

Clown College?

And he made fun of me.

Clown College.

He said, Where did you get that boy pussy, Clown College?

What a good burn that would be.

Where did you get that boy pussy?

Clown College?

Why is that so funny to say to me?

That my boy pussy was from Clown College.

Oh, fuck you, dude.

Why is that so funny?

I don't know.

Dude, I don't know.

That's where you got your boy pussy from, Adam.

I spend half my day thinking about the guys outside of Home Depot

in their private little world that really just exists in my head.

Not this real world.

No, natural to bunk bed.

They have like 12 children and shit.

Just a bunk bed style situation.

Oh, fuck.

I got a pimple right on my ass and it hurts.

On the cheek?

Yeah, kind of.

You want me to pop it?

Yeah, with your tongue.

Yo, first you need to pop that pussy, and then I'll pop that pimple.

No way, man.

I'll never pop my pussy for you.

You don't deserve it.

Dude, it was so funny the other day.

Nick, you missed it, but I was like...

Oh, first of all, I've never missed anything.

Shut the fuck up.

I saw

Stav rolled up before he was aware of

the dining.

That was really funny.

And he was listening to some rap thing, and I was doing like a.

Who's the word you described it earlier with, Adam?

What do you call it?

What word?

It started with an N

and ended with R-B-E-A-T-S.

B-A-S.

That's what you were saying?

You were going around saying that?

That's not what I was saying.

Anyway.

Anyway, I was dancing

erotically to it.

Yeah.

Just as a joke for stuff.

And I was saying, yeah, pop that cock for a real one.

Yeah,

pop that cock for a real one.

And then a crackhead was walking down the street and she just goes, ah!

Ah!

Started laughing at me.

She started laughing at me.

And she's good.

And then I got her number.

It was pretty cool.

That was so awesome when that lady in the bodega in the all-white sweatsuit called you a bitch-ass N-word.

Yeah.

And then kissed me on the cheek.

He's like, he a bitch ass.

Ha ha ha.

Well, earlier she was asking that, she was asking that dude

if she could have a hug.

I think it's the same.

It's that real, like, it's that, like, you know.

Thin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That thin.

Yeah,

she's fucking like, she, like, haranged me one day.

She's she's she came up.

I was walking down the street and she's like, excuse me, sir.

And I was like, no.

she's like sir i'm like no i'm not nothing i'm not speaking to you yeah you know because she's always just going around doing that condensed milk bullshit i think i told this story already maybe it's like a scam right like you've told the condensed milk scam story yeah they do that shit all the time well she comes up and you know i'm like just dismissive and she's like oh you having a bad day i'm like yes she's like okay well my sister just died of cancer six weeks ago that's awesome yeah i'm like okay you're like mine did five weeks ago yeah she's like actually i just remembered it was four weeks ago.

Yeah, well, I have cancer.

And I'm on my way to the fucking tiny dick

store to get my mind worked on.

So I got two problems, bitch.

Yep.

How about you?

Yeah.

Excuse me, man, but I'm addicted to crack, and I am a black woman.

Say that to her.

Oh, your sister has cancer?

Well, I'm a fucking crackhead.

I am a dick-sucking crackhead trying to rob people for milk money at age 57.

So why don't you take your problems and hit the road, Jack?

That's right.

Tell you so she should move to Canada where they got healthcare.

That's sick how you owned her.

I know.

Dude, that's really sick.

That same woman laughed at you.

She laughed at me for dancing

for the way I was dancing.

Didn't her really connect.

She has this young guy.

I saw her in the Bodega one time, and she like, I was there at the tail end of one of her fucking dumbass scams, and it's just like some dopey-headed, you know, hipster retard, you know, that's like,

of course, God bless you, too.

You know, oh, it's just like, let's fucking do that.

They, like, believe in God whenever they're interacting with black people.

Yeah, it's like every time it's like, God bless you, man.

Oh,

yeah,

just such a fucking, like, it's all like the bedside, like slime.

The skaters, the brick, the brook

skaters,

fucking gosh, like 35-year-old skaters that are wearing like baggy jackets.

Yeah, like,

you know, and they're like, wow, you know, they want to be a part of the neighborhood.

As soon as he fucking walks off, and I'm sure he gave this woman fucking $50 or, you know, whatever the fuck amount he got.

Yeah, yeah.

And,

like, he leaves, and then fucking, you know, like, some older black guy is like, damn, you know what that's about.

And she's like, mm-hmm.

And so, like, they were just laughing at him after that for having scammed him.

He was scared, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, one time she asked a younger dude for a hug in the bodega,

and he goes

$20.

He was like asking her to pay him to get a hug.

Yeah.

That was pretty good.

Yeah, so anyway, that's just some of the flavor of New York City for those of you guys listening.

You know, people not from New York hate it when people that live in New York say bodega.

That's like a real people hate that what do you mean they hate it they hate it

they think it's real they think it's real like potent pretentious or something why it's called a bodego horrible place that's what it's called

yeah they smell like piss yeah

the food has dust on it

I got something nice and dusty for you yeah I guess corner store or mini mart or mini mart who the fuck calls it a mini mart quick quickie mart corner store maybe corner store makes sense should we uh review uh the the problem with the poo on the podcast?

We actually should.

The article, the New York Times article?

No,

the video.

No.

Why don't you read the fucking newsletter I send out for the show?

I'm not on the email list.

Yeah.

Well, that's by design.

Do you want it?

If you want it, you'll find it, man.

Okay?

You'll figure out a way to get your hands on that newsletter.

Yeah, we're going to.

It's Hari Konda

kind of blowjobs.

Yeah,

he oh jobs.

It's conda blue dude

kinda blow a dude's

very funny comic.

Oh, we uh I guess we've done enough time already.

Oh, nice.

Have we?

Thanks for coming to Funny Moms.

Cleveland, I'll be there this motherfucking Sunday.

Uh-huh.

If you're listening to this show.

Oh, yeah.

The next Funny Moms, for those of you in New York, I think it's going to be our last December 11th.

December 11th?

It's going to be motherfucking December 11th.

Also, we have the live show, All Three Boys in Motherfucking DC, on the 22nd of December.

And if you're in Boston, I will be headlining the House of Blues on the 16th.

So come suck me off, and come suck us off holiday style on the 22nd.

House of Games, directed by David Mammets.

Very good movie.

And check out the show House of Pain on TBS.

Very funny.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

Tyler Perry's House of Pain.

I'll also be at the standing room every show this weekend.

Nice.

I'm doing a charity thing on uh Thursday for Puerto Rico or something.

If you want to, that's just a brag.

I'm not telling it.

Where is it at?

Uh, no, it's at uh babies all right.

What a brag.

I was gonna donate to Puerto Rico until I found out what Puerto Rico means in Spanish.

What does it mean?

The rich port?

The rich port.

Yeah, so it's like, whoa, they got it.

They got it covered.

I'm sorry.

They're rich.

I'm a socialist, so I believe that rich people deserve to die in a hurricane.

I think at 10

at Baby is Alright on Thursday.

Oh, I was going to go to that, but I'm in the show.

Yeah, yeah, it's a good show.

There are good people on the show, too.

Damn.

Wow, that would have been fun.

What show?

It's like a Portery.

You're doing it, but I'm not on it.

No.

Who's booking that?

These

brother and sister booked it.

They're like hosting it together.

What are their names?

Koenigs.

Jake and Sandy.

Yeah, shout out to Sandy.

She's funny.

And

why do they approach you and not be?

Because we're cute and nice, and you're like fucking dark and like listening to fucking significant other limp biscuit and fucking

walkman.

Tell the fucking truth, dude.

Because I'm a fucking dangerous man.

You better not ever approach me.

Just fucking on the bus reading the anarchist cookbook.

Yeah.

Shummering your chin.

I'm reading fucking Harry Potter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

The black art of Harry Potter.

It is so funny when you see people reading Harry Potter in public.

I know.

That's funny.

It is so funny.

Look, enjoy it on your own time.

Yeah, just like, come on.

I'm also at the stand on Christmas Day.

Oh, are you?

Yeah.

Why?

Is that like a show?

Hell, yeah.

It's huge.

Oh, mess.

Huge.

Santa's going to be.

Did I say the time of that show?

It's 10 on Thursday.

No one goes to Adam's show.

It's not for me.

It's for Puerto Rico.

Fuck Puerto Rico.

Everyone go to the stand.

Puerto Rico knew what was good for it.

It wouldn't associate themselves with someone like Adam.

That's true.

You know what I did for Puerto Rico?

I bought myself a fucking Panama hat and some cigars down.

That's right.

I listened to Ricky Martin and I beat off the Jaylen.

Fuck what I did for Puerto Rico.

I did what they call a capital infusion into their economy.

I didn't do a comedy show that they're not going to hear about.

Yep.

For some people.

They fit adult diapers down after the hurricane because adults need diapers too.

Yeah.

Although you just had a lot of mommies and the poppies.

I had extras from our

little project.

We're wearing them recreationally for sexual purposes.

So, anyway, to recap, everyone goes.

Oh, also, we didn't talk about the Miss USA pageant contestant.

That girl with Down syndrome is hot.

Teen USA.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

If you're listening,

DM me, baby girl.

She's pretty cute.

Good for her.

I gotta check her out.

She's living life.

Living La Vita Loca.

That's the official diagnosis.

The doctor just takes off his glasses.

Ma'am, your daughter is

living La Vida Loca.

Oh, shit.

That'll do it.

They were not going to top that.

All right.

Bye.

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