Ep. 79 – Race Wars Crossover

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Speaker 2 This is a Stand-Up New York Labs production, providing you podcasts since 2013.

Speaker 2 It is what we do, baby.

Speaker 2 This is Race Wars. Race Wars.
I have the power.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm the film. With Kurt Metzger.
You know

Speaker 2 And Sherrod Small. Settle down, bitch.

Speaker 2 Grace Wars.

Speaker 2 Alright, can we go back, Grace Wolves? Guess who's in the house with a mouthful of food?

Speaker 3 I thought the song was coming.

Speaker 2 No, the song's not coming. The song already played.
We pretended like it played already.

Speaker 2 God damn it, Kurt. Are they putting the song in a post? Yes, I believe.
Yeah, they'll put it in a post now. Kurt, welcome back.

Speaker 3 Thank you, everyone.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, what are you eating?

Speaker 2 What is that? You are openly disrespectful.

Speaker 2 You eat like a runaway. Just Coca-Cola and pastries.
Motherfucker, did your parents die? Why did you eat like this?

Speaker 2 Hold on. Were you raised in a well? Why don't I hear my own headphones?

Speaker 2 I hear you. I know, but I'm plugged into you for some reason.
Oh, John, can you adjust the headphones? Shelby usually does it. Really? Nick Bowen's in the house.
My white daughter's in the house.

Speaker 2 And Kurt's here. Nick, what's up, man?

Speaker 2 Oh, wait.

Speaker 2 This is also a come town.

Speaker 2 Yes, this is also a come town. Turn it up your shit.
Turn it down.

Speaker 3 It's insane.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. I almost went death just now.
I had it right at perfect. All of a sudden, it's getting louder and louder.

Speaker 2 We get it. Sherad's black.

Speaker 2 Welcome back, Kurt. Thank you.

Speaker 2 What was happening? Nick Mullen is also saying that it's also an episode. Oh, my God, focus.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Someone was coming in in the background. What is going on?

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what. It's Come Town 2.

Speaker 2 It's an episode of Come Town. It is.
We're doing a dual episode. It's one of these joint ventures.

Speaker 2 There we go. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We both do half the work. Yes.
You know, for twice the financial gain. I see.
That's how you work it. See, Nick knows how to work the system.
Right. Nick's learn how this old Patreon game.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We got to listen to him. Yeah, he does.
How much are you making now a month? A million? I don't know. About a million.
I think it's $23,000 a month now. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 And how is everything with your commie friends in the communist world of communists?

Speaker 2 Oh, the communists make more money than I do.

Speaker 3 That's my favorite part of that whole thing.

Speaker 2 Wait,

Speaker 2 how are they making money? Same thing, Patreon. I stole their business model.
Wait, this was a communist leader.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I didn't know they were commies.
I mean, they're socialists. They're democratic socialists, which is like.

Speaker 2 They're not communists, but you know. How much money are they making? Oh, shit.
Theirs is almost at $100,000 a month now. These commie bastards.
I want to flip this table.

Speaker 2 They

Speaker 2 make almost like $1.3 million a year, I think. God?

Speaker 2 Off of commie nonsense. Why can't we talk more commie stuff? Are they redistributing it to the poor?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they give a lot of the money money to charity and shit. It's a charity.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They had to give a lot of money to Rain after Josh Androtsky posted that Bill Cosby joke. Who's Rain?

Speaker 2 Rain is the.

Speaker 2 I don't understand how it works. It's a charity that's a rape charity.
Okay. Which is like, is the plan to just pay people to not rape? I don't understand how a rape charity works.

Speaker 2 I don't know, but they got a good job. Yeah, it's for more rape.
Yeah, disaster relief charity. It's a raping charity.
In addition to

Speaker 2 they just, they provide those blankets they put over you at the end of a disaster.

Speaker 2 The aluminum blanket.

Speaker 2 The aluminum blanket.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Well, let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 The bad guy busts out of it.

Speaker 2 I feel like that would be triggering because you're going to get raped in a bed. That's filled with blankets.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not. The last thing I would want to see after a long rape session is another blanket.

Speaker 2 Keep the pillows away from me. I want a nice linoleum floor to curl up on and

Speaker 2 leak out of my ass

Speaker 2 all over the kitchen floor. Sometimes the floor is the problem.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You need protein and fruit. Yeah.
What's the least likely place to get raped? Probably on an escalator.

Speaker 2 That's true. That seems like the safest.

Speaker 2 Find me one case of someone that got raped on an escalator. You can't do it.
Google it.

Speaker 2 A moving escalator. Otherwise, it's just

Speaker 2 rape stairs.

Speaker 2 That was a beautiful song by Elton John. Rape stairs?

Speaker 2 Highway to rape.

Speaker 2 Was that the one you went for for Princess Diana?

Speaker 3 Is all this because I'm back?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that why all this because I'm not? We usually just sit here in silence without you. That's right.

Speaker 2 Something goes on.

Speaker 3 Number one, have vowed to not comment. First of all, I support the mob actions across America.

Speaker 3 Know better than to stand against that.

Speaker 3 I would never risk any of my employments by ever standing up to a mob doing anything. And I want to especially commend the mob for going after Charlie Rose.

Speaker 2 You should have Amy on to condemn Charlie Rose. What's going on with Charlie Rose now? What's the story?

Speaker 3 Charlie Rose,

Speaker 3 hold on, let me get this article up. More like Charlie.

Speaker 2 More like Charlie, no clothes. Am I right, folks? I'm not on Twitter anymore, so I need an outlet for this concept.
Why are you not on Twitter? I got banned like a year ago.

Speaker 3 What? Yeah, you did the ultimate achievement of Twitter.

Speaker 3 That's like what you're in.

Speaker 2 I finished. Oh, you finished it? Yeah.
You completed it. I got to the end.
It's like finishing Donkey Kong. Right.
You jumped all the barrels. Ironically, also a racist chimp-related thing.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Donkey Kong. Actually, it wasn't that.
What got me banned was making fun of

Speaker 2 the Berkeley protesters. What'd you say?

Speaker 2 I forget what I said in particular, but it was going after the people that were saying that leftists were fascists for protesting the Berkeley.

Speaker 2 It was alt-right guys that got me banned the first time around.

Speaker 2 Now, if I log in, there's like a whole backlog of tweets they want me to delete because people went through my shit and recorded like 500 tweets. 500? I mean, a a shit ton of tweets.

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's that.

Speaker 2 Why can't they delete it? Because they want you to learn a lesson. So they make you delete the tweets.

Speaker 2 Like, you're in timeout. You have to say what you did is bad.
I mean, it's like Mark Simpson at the beginning of the Simpsons. It's because Reddit on the wall.

Speaker 2 It's a whole world filled with baby adults.

Speaker 3 What a collection of pussies. Well, I don't miss.
Somebody goes, somebody goes, hey, I mean, what if somebody puts something about you on Reddit? Again, I'm like, I'll never know about it.

Speaker 2 Never. Zero.
Yeah. Zero.

Speaker 3 Well, be news to me.

Speaker 2 That is the joy of social whatever.

Speaker 3 I couldn't know. You know,

Speaker 3 I was always in it to never read anybody else's comments and only just hear myself talk. Yeah.
But

Speaker 3 now I just don't. I mean, I can't, like I said, dude, I can't believe I ever for free would be like, come be, look at my process or some shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 Giving it away.

Speaker 3 Buy a fucking ticket, you fuck. Thank you.
Unbelievable. So anyway, now everybody's got to care, though, about your fucking tweet.

Speaker 3 Like, when I I hear another, like, oh, what did he tweet now about the president? Like, if you give a shit about tweets,

Speaker 3 you deserve whatever he tweeted that was horrible.

Speaker 2 You deserve it.

Speaker 3 Like, if you give a shit what someone tweeted, and I don't care what they tweeted, if you give a shit,

Speaker 3 you're as loathsome as someone who gives a shit if some fucking

Speaker 3 mulatto football player salutes the flag or not.

Speaker 2 There is a lady who is a flat flag. I don't know if you can say flag anymore, Carl.

Speaker 2 There is a lady going after me like two weeks ago. Didn't he salute the flag like he should? Saying she was light-skinned boy.

Speaker 2 That's colored. She was having PTSD from my tweets.
She was this woman

Speaker 2 who was having like nom flashbacks. Really? What did you say? I haven't tweeted in a year.
So she's going and searching through. She's using

Speaker 2 it. Yeah, to find tweets of mine where I said the word rape and then screen capping and be like, can you believe he did this in 2012?

Speaker 3 Every orgasm she had, she took another.

Speaker 3 That's three PTSDs you just gave me.

Speaker 2 Rape is rape, but also tweet is rape. That's what it was out.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm really

Speaker 3 from

Speaker 3 when,

Speaker 3 who's that girl that David Cross went ching-chong to at a party?

Speaker 2 Exactly, man. Charlene Yee.

Speaker 2 When was this?

Speaker 2 What if he was just trying to say her name?

Speaker 3 It was a hashtag me too.

Speaker 2 You don't know the story? Yeah.

Speaker 3 It was a hashtag me too. Right.
And she goes, so it's all these like rapes and shit. And then she comes in with, at a party, David Cross went up and said, Ching Chong.

Speaker 2 He asked me if my feet were bound. you know, and then he said, He said, Please don't do karate at me or something.
Which, by the way, hilarious. Yeah, very funny.

Speaker 3 I know, David Cross is back.

Speaker 2 What a crazy way to go through life, always being primed to be triggered by someone saying, Ching Chong Chi. That's your threshold.
All I have to do is say Cing Chong Chi. You're really a bad person.

Speaker 2 I feel bad for everybody that is now finding out that it's not cool to be racist to Asians anymore because that was the one that you could go at. Was it? Oh, yeah.
When? Always.

Speaker 2 That's why David Cross did that. But I

Speaker 2 They were like the bad people. Oh, yeah.
You could just make fun of Asians.

Speaker 3 If I was there, and by the way, I haven't heard his account, and whatever it is, I believe it.

Speaker 3 I believe men. Hashtag.

Speaker 2 I believe men.

Speaker 3 No, it's about time. Yeah.
People I believe because of their genitals.

Speaker 2 Who's this Asian? I just think the Asians are a tricky race. And you can't.

Speaker 3 Would you say they're inscrutable?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can't screw them. Because you don't know who's.
There's a lot of different Asians, though. You've got your Filipinos, you got your Koreans.

Speaker 3 That's a fair point, and also Indian people are Asian.

Speaker 2 Basically, they just want to lure you into their railroad side prostitution den and then steal all your lithium so you can't trust them.

Speaker 2 But then they want to give you a nice massage, make sure your nails aren't sharp.

Speaker 2 They do handle a lot of body stuff. Well, no,

Speaker 2 God bless them.

Speaker 3 That's the thing that's funny. Like, like actual Chinese people, well, you used to live with those people from Hong Kong.

Speaker 2 Yeah, actually, Chinese people. I fucking love Chinese people.

Speaker 3 I know. Like, dude.

Speaker 2 You you live with 18 of them

Speaker 3 they're the best people in the world that's my favorite thing about Chinese people when I was in China is like they don't give a shit oh what's that

Speaker 2 they don't give a shit about that that's just eight it's like a you know ABCs they call American born Chinese so that's just ABC shit yeah well regular Chinese people they don't even like all of this is like conversations about social impropriety or whatever regular Chinese people still spit outside and shove people like they're still on that level doing that by the way no they do it in Chinatown and it's not because and it's not there's no malice there.

Speaker 2 It's, it's just logical. It's like, if you're in my way, I'm going to shove you out of the way to get to, you know, my medicine shop that's filled with, you know, seaweed or whatever they think is.

Speaker 2 There's nobody more aggressive on a subway than an old Asian woman trying to get the last seat. Yeah, and

Speaker 2 they're not in a bad mood. It's just I want that seat.

Speaker 3 Hold on. Are you saying old Chinese women are not afflicted by the scourge of man spreading?

Speaker 2 They will push you right out of your alcohol. I shouldn't have to

Speaker 3 give someone to move their leg.

Speaker 2 They will knock you out the way with their little pink plastic bags.

Speaker 3 It's too creepy for me to say, can you move your leg?

Speaker 2 And you guys figured they don't speak English anyway. Meanwhile, they do.
They just want to be rude.

Speaker 3 Anyway, Charlie Rose is what I wanted because, as you recall, he had his fucking Jamie interview, right? Right. About the problem of me.
Now, did you do that? I didn't watch the interview.

Speaker 2 You watched it, right? Oh, what? What did Charlie Rose?

Speaker 3 I mean, Charlie Rose is directing it.

Speaker 2 He asked her whatever question. He said,

Speaker 2 as a man that's never raped anyone.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you, Amy, what is your opinion on this Kurt Metzger? By the way, a rapist situation. Just to clarify, everybody at home watching.
I personally have never raped, and I never.

Speaker 3 Now, do I come out of the shower with my robe undone in front of my young intern?

Speaker 2 Sure. That's just part of my North Carolina charm.
I just show people my penis. Is my penis always in front of my pants? No.

Speaker 2 Old man Charlie Rose came out the shower with his, and his intern was there. What did he do? He had his penis out with his pen.
He just had his penis outside of his regular pants. No, did he?

Speaker 2 I know I got an F-train who does that.

Speaker 2 Down in North Carolina, it would get so hot in the summer you would want to breeze on your

Speaker 2 chest.

Speaker 2 Hold on, Lila. My balls would get so humid in the summer.
Humid.

Speaker 2 Hold on now.

Speaker 3 Can I just apologize?

Speaker 2 I'm not exposing myself. I'm cooling off.
Let me, please.

Speaker 3 It's very hard.

Speaker 2 My dogs.

Speaker 3 Stop and let me make an apology.

Speaker 3 Now, I want to say that in 45 years of broadcasting, I sometimes used my outside penis inside.

Speaker 2 Well, when I got my start of television, I was ready to use my inside penis.

Speaker 2 Most of the entertainers were in blackface, so you would pull your penis out of your pants to show your true race because your hands and face were painted black. That was okay back then.

Speaker 2 That was a different time.

Speaker 3 Why are you the cool hand Luke Sheriff and Charlie?

Speaker 2 What we have here on my penis communication.

Speaker 2 Well, once he becomes a sex criminal, you got to ham up the southern affectation. That's hilarious.

Speaker 3 You got to ham it up, yeah. Listen, he's an old Carolina.

Speaker 2 When did all this happen with Charlie Rose? How many years ago?

Speaker 3 Well, I heard he, uh,

Speaker 3 Barry told me about him after I was upset back like a year ago with that shit.

Speaker 3 Barry was like, oh, well, so you know about Charlie Rose, and told me that that's what his deal was, and it was well known. So I was like, you motherfucker.

Speaker 2 Of course it was well known. Yeah.
This is Brian, Brian Sean. He's one of our number one fans.
Hey, Brian. I know.
He was at the show last night.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you remember black people or not, nigga.

Speaker 2 What's up, Brian?

Speaker 3 Well, I remember you and now, Brian.

Speaker 2 This is a fan appreciation day. I brought a fan in here.

Speaker 3 Oh, speaking of fan appreciation.

Speaker 2 Tell him that you appreciate him.

Speaker 2 He could. He knows how to

Speaker 3 appreciate all the fans.

Speaker 3 All fans matter.

Speaker 2 We got a hashtag on? Hashtag all fans matter.

Speaker 2 Brian's getting his hashtag D2 ready for after this podcast.

Speaker 2 He's a little bashful. He's shy, I bet.
Did you have fun at the show last night, Brian? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a good show, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a good show, God knows.

Speaker 3 It was a good show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that homecoming show was sold out down in the comedy cell of Village Underground. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, how was

Speaker 3 I forgot I was going to say?

Speaker 2 Oh, my Jesus. You're trying so hard to give a shit.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to remember what I was going to say, and I keep forgetting.

Speaker 2 Just breathe and take your time. You home.
You amongst friends.

Speaker 3 We said about Charlie Rose. It was going to be really fun.

Speaker 2 You're not going to get a Hollywood smack from us. We're not going to smack you around like you did in the book.

Speaker 3 Hollywood smack.

Speaker 2 Oh, they gave him a nice open hand. Kurt, do your work.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. I have to do my work every day.
I hate it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're working them.

Speaker 3 I hate having to be professional, and I am not.

Speaker 2 You come in with crumbled notes.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. If there was some way to crumple up a laptop, I'd have crumpled it up by now.

Speaker 2 You knew H-Bing professional was Charlie Rose, folks. Yeah.

Speaker 3 If I could do a Charlie Rose style, it'd be a whole different thing.

Speaker 3 Come in the office. Hello, lady.

Speaker 2 How many years ago did Charlie Rose did this happen? How many, was this recently? It was this week. No, it wasn't fine.
He was like, if Weinstein can get away with it, so can I.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine what that old, old, old

Speaker 2 Civil War penis looks like?

Speaker 2 He's 113 years old.

Speaker 3 I fought for the North, but my feet penis fought for the South.

Speaker 2 The Civil War penised him. It was brother against brother, man against his own penis.
It's not exposure if you have a wooden penis that you lost during Antietam.

Speaker 3 Father against nephew,

Speaker 2 dick against balls. The bloodiest day in American history.

Speaker 3 Okay, so remember I told you about a fan that called me up, and I thought I was missing a spot, and I missed a set somewhere, and a guy goes, hey, Kurt, can you help me move a mattress down from

Speaker 3 186 to 160? Some fan that lived by me. Yeah, some guy.
How did he get your number?

Speaker 3 You remember we were in this, we were in that bodega, and some guy recognized me, and I was all like, oh, that guy right.

Speaker 2 I remember it so vividly. He was like, oh my god, it's Kurt Metzger, my favorite Metzger.
Yeah, that's right. And he said it like that.

Speaker 3 And then I bumped into him again. He asked if I knew where to get wheat.
So this is where I fucked up.

Speaker 2 This was in your neighborhood. In my neighborhood.

Speaker 3 Okay. This is where I fucked up.

Speaker 3 I go, all right, I'll text you maybe if I know where to get weed. Right.
So he had my number.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 That's my fault, that part. Okay.
So I forgot about it. I'm like, oh, the guy moved.
I didn't even look for weed. I'm like, why am I.

Speaker 2 I can scented.

Speaker 2 I can scent it.

Speaker 3 I know. No court would get it.

Speaker 2 This was not assault. It's not a salt.

Speaker 3 But here's what I hashtag me to this.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting at home, okay? And then my phone rings.

Speaker 3 I think I missed a spot somewhere. I forgot I had a spot at a club because it's like the New York number.
He goes, hey, man, this is, we'll call him Brian or whatever. I don't know.

Speaker 3 He goes, this is Brian. Listen, can you help me move a mattress down from 180?

Speaker 2 I go, I gotta go.

Speaker 3 Dude, it was like a horror movie here at somebody.

Speaker 2 And then in curb your enthusiasm fashion, you you help the guy move the mattress. Somebody sees a picture of you.

Speaker 2 Somebody snaps a picture, and then it's Kurt Metzger mocking that girl at Columbia that got right.

Speaker 2 Kurt Metger stages parody of Mattis. He's on his back.
He's

Speaker 2 Harvey Weinstein's exoneration.

Speaker 3 Mattress apologizes.

Speaker 2 She's writing a paper. Guys, you couldn't be more wrong.

Speaker 2 It was actually Brian. Bring out the mattress.
That's here.

Speaker 3 I think unfounded charges should have very definite sentences from all of us until we forget or get mad at someone else.

Speaker 2 Which has already happened with Weinstein, by the way.

Speaker 2 You know, as the district attorney's office said they were going to indict him last week, and that just didn't happen, and it's probably not going to happen. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah. They just dropped it.

Speaker 2 Because he hired fucking Israeli spies to intimidate people when he fucking raped poppies. I like that Rose McGowan called for Louie to be prosecuted for his contemptual masturbation.
What? Sean King?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, the guy from the reporter dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Sean King, the fucking

Speaker 2 guy that took all those donations and didn't

Speaker 2 put out the donations.

Speaker 2 Black, not-so-black guy? Right. That's right.
I like him. Yeah.
He's my kind of

Speaker 2 teeth. I like it creamy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like a nice and creamy. So today I get a call.

Speaker 3 I think it's a call from a show.

Speaker 3 Because I had some spot I had forgotten about. Right.

Speaker 3 Call. Hey, man, your neighbor from Washington Heights.
Remember me?

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh, today he called again? Today.

Speaker 3 Today. And I go, so I'm thinking, it's like, listen, man, I don't know why I actually move a mattress.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what it's going to be, but I already didn't want to deal with whatever it was, right? So, I'm like, yeah, I'm like, how am I just back in town to catch this?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm just thinking. But this is like people not saying move to Mansprider.
Just go, hey, don't call me. This is so weird when you do it every time.

Speaker 3 He goes, so, man, what's going on? I'm like, hey, man, listen, I'm really busy. He goes, oh, okay.
Yeah, I was just going to see you help me. I got some stuff at the dollar store.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to lug down.

Speaker 2 Did he really? He called me to move shit today.

Speaker 2 Who's buying that much shit at the dollar store? Then he recognized you got everything that was as seen on TV. What the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 I mean, I've never heard of such a thing. A roadside emergency repair kit.
Turns out you can have too many dollars. I think he recognized Kurt at the store, but he recognized you as somebody else.

Speaker 3 He thought I was that great mover.

Speaker 2 He was stocking stuffers for Mexicans.

Speaker 3 Are you that Russian mover?

Speaker 2 Don't you work at Schleppers? And adult Mexicans.

Speaker 2 You're a fucking

Speaker 2 horror movie. A squirrel gun

Speaker 2 for Christmas. Do you have a squirrel gun collection? A lot of gold or dollar general and get a squirrel gun collection?

Speaker 2 I think he knew you were back. He's stalking you, this dude.
Because, oh, I put all over the Twitters that Kurt's back. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 3 Oh, well, that's right.

Speaker 2 But he called you right away, knowing your every movement.

Speaker 2 He's going to fucking idiot. What idiot did here? He's going to beetle-shoot Kurt in the fucking chest.

Speaker 2 He's going to get down in the army stance and shoot you right in your chest outside your building and kill you like John Lynn.

Speaker 2 Well, as long as I don't have to help him,

Speaker 3 as long as I don't need to help him move nothing.

Speaker 2 What's going on? I don't fucking know.

Speaker 3 All right, let's take a quick break.

Speaker 2 No, it's not break time. What are you nuts? Yeah, we've been on for seven minutes.
Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Speaker 3 No, let's take a quick break and go back to it. I got a piss.

Speaker 2 You got a pee?

Speaker 2 Go pee. Yeah, you can just go piss, right?

Speaker 3 I don't feel that the show should continue without you.

Speaker 2 No, go pee. It's been continuing without you.
That's what the show is now.

Speaker 2 I'm you. That's what the show is now.

Speaker 2 We still got plenty of Charlie Rose stuff to talk about. But now we have to describe his vicious penis.

Speaker 3 I like to come out with my penis outside my rope.

Speaker 3 I talk to Ms. Amy Shu.

Speaker 2 That's the liar.

Speaker 3 Now, Amy, did you always drink so much for this movie Train Wreck? And how did Kurt Metzger, when did he first say he loved Rape?

Speaker 2 Charlie Rose. So did he quit the morning show? What's going on? He's fired.
He throwed off. They fired him? They stopped airing his show.
Wait a minute. They fired him from CBS Morning Show.
Yep.

Speaker 2 CBS and CBS or whatever he was in. And PBS.
PBS. He's fired.
The Charlie Rhodes show's no more. It's done.
It's done. They deleted every episode.
That's white. That's crazy.

Speaker 3 Oh, I like the thing where

Speaker 3 the new WWE, Hulk Hogan, thing, where you remove all traces from everything. Yeah, yeah.
We will erase it.

Speaker 2 It's like the Nazis would do to people that, you know, they would erase the entire...

Speaker 3 Like, there was some town that executed it. It's important.

Speaker 2 It's like ancient Egypt with the Jews. And there were never Jews.
Yeah, yeah. That's harsh.

Speaker 2 HBO got rid of Louie's entire catalog. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Really? But these things will come back. Like, these are businesses burning bridges that they think will cost them money, and that's it.

Speaker 2 If they think they'll make money on it later, it'll be back.

Speaker 3 Of course, it'll be a new head of somewhere doing it.

Speaker 2 No, we're finally going to have the comedy we want, which is a trans person that's been doing it for six months, getting a new hour every three weeks.

Speaker 3 Can I tell you something how excited I am about

Speaker 3 the new Cameron Esposito? Oh, wait. Oh, did it come back from the letter writing campaign? What, her show? Yeah, it was canceled.
But I'm excited to say...

Speaker 2 Whose show?

Speaker 3 Cameron's the great Cameron Esposito.

Speaker 2 Cameron Esposito. She's got a show, another show.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 3 it's off the air, but it was important.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, CISO is done, right? It was on CISO.

Speaker 3 Now the whole thing's but there's a chance that someone else could pick it up.

Speaker 2 CISO is a real,

Speaker 2 what's what's it called? A real scientist. That's the thing I don't understand.
These people continue to get money and chances and work, and then they're like, wow, when is it going to be our turn?

Speaker 2 It's like, it's been your turn for 10 years.

Speaker 2 No one's watching.

Speaker 2 Speaking over guitar.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but when are we going to

Speaker 3 have it so that all the comics we ever loved are removed from history? Yeah. So we can make enough room for

Speaker 3 the Cameron Esposito.

Speaker 2 Also executed and removed from real life. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't like the way they made me feel like I wasn't as funny as them. And that's a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 I would love to be in a gulag.

Speaker 2 I would really love to be just a political prisoner. Please, that would be fun.

Speaker 2 You've been preparing for a lot of people. I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Speaker 2 I just sit in a fucking bunk bed, read banned books all day, you know,

Speaker 2 learn how to make knives out of common objects. Forage for peanuts.

Speaker 2 I would thrive in that environment. Maybe you could make a rudimentary spear.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hunt domesticated chickens. Right.

Speaker 2 I would embrace that lifestyle. Rewild them.
Yeah. It was fun.
This one has teeth. Charlie Manson just died, and he was 83 years old.
Yeah. Like,

Speaker 2 that's a long, you know, nice

Speaker 2 life. He spent almost the entire time in prison.
Maybe that's the answer, is carving a swastika into your forehead.

Speaker 2 You know, that's what that's what.

Speaker 3 Go Charles Manson was the first kill somebody because I didn't get a record deal. Like, I'm going to be famous one way or another guy.
Wasn't it?

Speaker 2 I actually don't.

Speaker 2 I was never one of those serial killers or cool kind of people. So I don't even know.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 I find that very surprising because you look like seven of them.

Speaker 3 You look like seven different shows I've seen on the show.

Speaker 2 Look, you look like every kind of bad show. You have seven of their victims mushed into one new person that also kills and rapes.

Speaker 2 Would you fuck me?

Speaker 2 I'd fuck me. I fucked me.

Speaker 2 You could be a killer or a victim in any decade. Yeah.
Yeah. Any century.
Oh, my God. Any century.

Speaker 2 I can see him getting killed or killing in the 70s. Nothing good happens with his penis.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 3 I love to see all the fucking...

Speaker 3 Basically, anybody that joins a Twitter mob,

Speaker 3 you're guilty of rape.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, they're all going after everyone that came at me, you're guilty.

Speaker 2 They're all going after Lena Dunham now for doing like the the most the only reasonable thing she's ever done, which is say, like, yeah, I've known this guy 10 years. I don't think that he did this.

Speaker 2 I have inside information. Who does she said it about?

Speaker 2 The girl's writer that was accused of rape. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. But she's, I mean, what she said was pretty fucking harsh because the woman that accused her was like some 17-year-old girl or accused him.
And how old was he when it would happen? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Okay. I don't give a shit.
I really don't care. I don't know who that guy is.
I don't know who that woman is.

Speaker 2 All that story is, is like a rape happened. Yeah, but Lena Dunham Dunham was like, some women do lie.
Like, it was last mating season. Well, some do.
It happened

Speaker 2 last mating season. Well, she goes, she says, some do.
She says, she says,

Speaker 2 she says, unfortunately.

Speaker 2 Behind each other.

Speaker 3 Well, because

Speaker 3 Dipstick tweeted that women never lie.

Speaker 3 Women lie about what they had for lunch, but never rape.

Speaker 2 Yeah, really?

Speaker 2 Statistically, 3% of women do lie about what. Wow, that's a lot more than the 0.0% from my family.
I thought

Speaker 2 the number was 2%. So she upped it to 3%

Speaker 2 because everyone always says 2%. So she upped it to 3%,

Speaker 2 the whole milk of false rape accusations. That's a lot of false milk.
And then she goes,

Speaker 2 and then she goes, she halved in half that shit.

Speaker 2 That's full cream.

Speaker 2 That's watermelt, fake rape. That is whipping me.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 she goes,

Speaker 2 unfortunately, this situation is one of the 3% of falsely reported rape. So she straight up calls the woman a liar.

Speaker 2 She's not even being a character witness for her friend and saying, like, I find it hard to believe that my friend did this.

Speaker 2 I know I've said believe every woman, and we can believe this woman, but I just want to say, like, I have to be in my friend's corner on this. She doesn't understand tact.

Speaker 2 She doesn't know how to fucking do it. But, but her sentiment, which is like, this is somebody I know.
They've been accused of a very serious crime at a time when, like, that will destroy.

Speaker 2 Like, right now, it's. So he had charges pressed against them.
No, she just said that he raped her.

Speaker 2 And what happened to going to the police? Why people don't do that?

Speaker 2 Well, the police, like, nobody trusts them. It's not like comfortable in front of them.
Which they shouldn't. I know it ain't comfortable, but if something's really happening,

Speaker 2 why is a Facebook?

Speaker 2 Here's why people don't go to the police because Harvey Weinstein is not going to be prosecuted. And all of this, all of this fucking fallout, nothing's going to happen to Harvey Weinstein.

Speaker 2 He straight up raped multiple people.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't go to the police. Everybody's not rich like Harvey Weinstein.
But also,

Speaker 2 you can just file something. Can't you just give them a heads up so they have it on record?

Speaker 2 And then if something comes out, be like, oh, there's a record of this, although it wasn't actionable or whatever. You You can do that, and that's not nothing.

Speaker 2 Let me put it this way: if I got mugged, I'm not calling the police. It's just, it's not, nothing's going to happen.
Didn't anybody steal your pussy, though? Yeah, but that's

Speaker 2 seriously different. If somebody likes

Speaker 2 to chill,

Speaker 2 if you're done coming, you would notice that. You have dismembered pussies that keep in mind.

Speaker 3 Do they steal any of your sweet lip pussy? That's what I call your mustache and lips.

Speaker 2 Look, a lot of people have mustaches.

Speaker 3 No, it makes me a suspect.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of different kinds of mustaches. No, you're cool.
There's good ones like mine, you know, and then there's all the bad ones. Also like yours.
No. Indistinguishable.
No.

Speaker 2 Also like yours.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I don't trim it right, you know, and it might get a little pederasty, but I think.

Speaker 3 Sometimes it's just a mailman.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it's norm. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I get close to firefighter sometimes, you know. It takes a lot of work.
You teach kids about woodworking.

Speaker 2 That's why the towers fell down is because they were perfecting their mustaches all morning and they couldn't get there in time. A lot of work goes into those.
People think it's easy.

Speaker 2 It's not fucking easy. It's not.
Oh, my God. Woodworking is a good thing.

Speaker 3 I think it's great that things are handled with just hearsay on social media.

Speaker 3 Once again, I wanted to say how wrong I was to ever doubt that system.

Speaker 3 I don't see how any of it could go wrong.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 3 Hit close to home. That's funny.
But if Yelena Dunham, go full support behind it. It could never hit you close to home ever.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It could never be a friend. There's somebody else.

Speaker 2 Her show's over, but we're not doing girls anymore. It is important, though.
Like, if you were one of the people that's saying, like, hey, we should embrace due process.

Speaker 2 Now that all of this shit is being thrown back in their faces and destroying all of them, it's like important to stick to your principles and still defend people like Lena Dunham in this instance because you don't want to fall into the like, oh, good.

Speaker 2 Now I'm going to embrace this mob justice bullshit. Yeah, mob justice isn't even a hypocrite.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, it's fine. It's listening if the 30s taught us us anything,

Speaker 3 if the 1860s through,

Speaker 3 well, I guess up to like the 70s taught us anything,

Speaker 3 we always get the right people.

Speaker 2 Oh, Kurt, welcome home, Kurt. That's what I want to say.

Speaker 3 No, I'm glad I came back at the right time because I'm sure people were wondering what I was going to say, and I just want to say I fully support this.

Speaker 2 They were wondering. Hashtag, I believe.
They were vocally wonderful.

Speaker 3 I believe literally any woman, doesn't matter how fucking much of a dingbat she is,

Speaker 3 or how fucking psychotic she is, it's still a vagina, still believable.

Speaker 3 And that is literally the only choice we have in this world.

Speaker 2 It's the only truth.

Speaker 3 It's the only truth.

Speaker 3 I'm just telling my truth.

Speaker 3 Can we all just stand in our truth? Jesus Christ. Is that like Oprah talk?

Speaker 2 That sounds a little Oprah. Yeah.
I wonder what Gail thinks about this. Gail King's a friend of mine.

Speaker 3 Why are there so many different ways?

Speaker 2 Stand in my truth.

Speaker 3 Why are there so many different ways to go?

Speaker 2 Why do you find a way to work that into every episode?

Speaker 2 Let's go to my Gail Corner, my Gail King Corner. Let's talk about friend of the show, Donald Trump, and friend of the show, his wife, friend of the show, Melania Trump.
They're all friends. They are

Speaker 2 older friends of the show. I'm talking about this beef between him and LeVar Ball.
Oh, yeah. What's going on with that? Then they have Twitter, a Twitter friend.
They're just beefing for one second.

Speaker 2 Levar Ball.

Speaker 2 This might actually be entertaining. Well, he's the father of the UCLA player, right? Yeah, who got one of them got arrested.
He got arrested in China.

Speaker 2 And Trump got them all released because it was gonna do 10 years in China last week. Such an amazing

Speaker 2 dad, LeVar Ball, Ball, B-A-L.

Speaker 3 And who the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 Come on, Kurt, where have you been? Uh, he's a kind of loud dad, very loud dad.

Speaker 2 China's already a prisoner.

Speaker 2 No, Dum Dum's been there. He said it was one of the best times of his life.

Speaker 3 Yo, Star Trek actor LeVar Burton has been getting angry tweets meant for LeVar Ball.

Speaker 2 Scotty, what's your name, man?

Speaker 2 Kuntha Kinte's got to go through this bullshit? Haven't Kunta been through enough?

Speaker 2 He got what? They called him Toby. Now he got fucking Twitter beef.
Toby's cat's name. That's not his beef.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's so brutal.

Speaker 3 Wow. So they got caught with what?

Speaker 2 They stole something.

Speaker 2 They stole sunglasses.

Speaker 3 They stole sunglasses in China.

Speaker 2 Yes. Why do Chinese people need sunglasses? Come on.
Are they shaped different than our sunglasses next? I'm saying they're eyes different. Are they shaped different?

Speaker 2 They have to worry about the sun hurting their eyes. Because of the small and all that? They're already squinting.

Speaker 2 You don't need sunglasses.

Speaker 2 Well, you do, but you need just one square inch of them right in the middle of your eyes. Everything else is just a giant frame.
Yeah, just a piece of like cassette tape.

Speaker 2 Like one of those old-timey cameras that's just a hole in a box. You bust open an old cassette.
They shouldn't. They're sitting around.
You don't need them anymore.

Speaker 2 It's the thing you used to look at eclipses. And they're like black shoelaces.
Oh, so he's dumb.

Speaker 2 They're all Star Trek-y. Just a piece of licorice.
You guys are the worst.

Speaker 3 That's okay. So, okay, so his kid's dumb and the dude's dumb.
That's all I'm getting from this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he's a good player, though. You're a good player.

Speaker 2 Put up the points.

Speaker 3 He understands ball.

Speaker 2 He's going to go number one.

Speaker 3 He understands ball and good, but not don't touch those sunglasses.

Speaker 3 Do you know what a fucking batshit idiot you have to be to smell in China? You got to be dumb. The cops don't fuck with you at all unless you fuck with a Chinese person.

Speaker 3 In that case, you are a fuck. Like, people are straight up just Coke dealers and shit.
Like, every nightclub you go to, the expats can kind of do whatever the fuck they want.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 3 As long as you're not. Listen, you are always though.
You could be smoking a joint from a cop. They don't know what the fuck it is.
They don't care.

Speaker 3 You can't cross a Chinese person or steal from them or mug them or any shit like that.

Speaker 2 Because they always believe.

Speaker 2 Because they believe every Chinese person. They has to believe every Chinese person.

Speaker 3 Chinese people have the unity that women will never have.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they got it. Hashtag.

Speaker 2 Me too. I don't know where women women are united.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 2 And that's all of their names.

Speaker 2 That's kind of their John Jacob Jingleheimer show.

Speaker 3 My name is also me too.

Speaker 2 My name is my name, too.

Speaker 2 Whenever he comes up, the people yell and shout. They go John Jacobs.
John Jacob Jingle Hamoshmi.

Speaker 2 He named my name, too.

Speaker 2 We have the same name.

Speaker 3 Don't you remember when we had Storm Shu sending in his Chinese racism?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes, yes, it was great.

Speaker 3 I got to get more from him. Yes, what's up with him? He probably knows about this LeVar ball.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he probably dropped it.

Speaker 3 I'll get Storm to write this in.

Speaker 2 He's like, those kids are stealing.

Speaker 3 Chinese are like laughing what pussies people are.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is about these kids that think they're going to go to other countries. Definitely those countries.
Like the dude who got killed in North Korea.

Speaker 2 They beat his brain and gave him poison soup.

Speaker 2 Botox. They sent his family.

Speaker 2 He was better than a parent.

Speaker 3 They fed it to him on purpose?

Speaker 2 My theory is they were giving him Botox to make him look more Korean.

Speaker 2 And they fucking did too much. They said, This is going to be our, we're going to create a sleeper agent.

Speaker 2 We're going to take this frat boy and puff up his eyes until he looks like a bloated Korean corpse. Send him back to the United States, have him kill Trump.

Speaker 2 And the nice thing was, he also suffered from migraines, so it's like two birds of one stone. Yeah.
Remember, he was like,

Speaker 2 oh, my head hurts so bad.

Speaker 2 You're like, Otto came back weird. He came back asleep.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, he really liked Korea.

Speaker 2 Well, he stole like a poster or something. He got arrested.
Then he was on TV crying, like, my little brother needs me. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. And he got sick over there.
Who knows?

Speaker 2 Because he's some dumb frat boy asshole, which bad move. What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Don't you do that in North Korea?

Speaker 2 Bad mood.

Speaker 2 First of all, don't go to North Korea. Don't just go there.

Speaker 3 Why are you there if you're that kind of a jerk off, too? Like, what?

Speaker 2 Why is anybody there? They have those vacations. You just go to travel.

Speaker 3 Is there a fucking like a

Speaker 3 program of douchebags?

Speaker 2 No, they're It's not like Cuba where it's like, yeah, we'll smoke some cigars or whatever, and we're kind of just out of the embargo. I mean, North Korea is like an enemy of the United States.

Speaker 2 They fucking hate that guy there anyway. But they have these travel agents that you can go to China.

Speaker 2 Most of the travels, and you can go anywhere you want, and they'll get you there. But they ain't going to get you back.

Speaker 2 Apparently. Yeah, apparently he tried to kill himself, and they were just holding him for a year because he was in the coma the entire year.
That's what I was saying.

Speaker 2 They were like, oh, the shit. You know,

Speaker 2 this is going to start a war. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he came back stiff, baby.

Speaker 2 Barely breathing and died like a couple weeks after he got here. Few days later.
A few days later.

Speaker 3 A few days later. My goodness.

Speaker 2 They killed him. Killed the person.

Speaker 2 Don't that mean anything to you?

Speaker 3 You know, North Korea, I've been losing a lot of sleep over lately, and part of it was when I heard about Eminem's blistering anti-Trump rap. I thought that was a weapon from North Korea.

Speaker 3 I did not realize it was from Eminem.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 They have blistering part two.

Speaker 2 Anti-Trump rap. They have that rap.
Come on now. You know that song was a hot song.

Speaker 3 Wow, you know my favorite part. I can't say it enough.

Speaker 2 My favorite part of that was Keith Olbermann's being like, I always thought rap was bad, but now it's great. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Olberman tweeted that. It's like,

Speaker 2 shut up. You sound like a white elite is just saying, oh, when the niggas did it, it was nothing.
Why didn't you kill us? But now it means something close to his white mouth.

Speaker 2 That's literally exactly his point.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 It's not like saying that. That's what he's saying.

Speaker 3 I said it last night, and it bears repeating.

Speaker 3 I like that his eight black friends were standing quietly and respectfully.

Speaker 2 Was that D unit? Doing his rap singing.

Speaker 3 I don't know what unit it was. They didn't speak up.

Speaker 2 It's D12, but I don't think that was them. They were seen and not heard.

Speaker 3 Mr. M is rap singing, sir.

Speaker 3 Please keep it down while Mr. Eminem.
Now, normally I don't care for rap singing, but

Speaker 3 there's such quiet, respectful boys there. I thought it was okay this time.
There's a good example

Speaker 3 that is going to take down Trump. Blistering.

Speaker 2 You think Eminem is a voter?

Speaker 3 He is now.

Speaker 2 Wait, after that blistering rap through a salt?

Speaker 3 I think he thinks he just voted.

Speaker 2 There, now vote for the other guy.

Speaker 2 That's like such a step down for him to do something. I mean, because that's like McElmore level.
Him and Trump used to be boys, though. He had that whole album release.

Speaker 2 Trump introduced them at Trump Plaza in New York City. I get it, Trump.
Introduced him like he was campaigning for him and brought out Eminem. When Shady was all fucking Slim Shady back then.

Speaker 3 It's kind of a sad story because Slim Shady is for Trump, but Eminem's against him. So it's really

Speaker 3 divisive. It's been real divisive.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, all the guys that were the Slim Shady clones and real Slim Shady definitely voted for Donald Trump. All of Eminem's fans voted for him.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, Eminem still has a lot of black fans. He does.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I meant the ones that mattered. Whoa.
The people that put him on the map.

Speaker 3 Wow. When I say all lives matter,

Speaker 2 I believe it.

Speaker 3 I don't pick certain lives that matter.

Speaker 3 I stand by the phrase all lives matter.

Speaker 3 So, no, sir, I will not.

Speaker 2 All of them.

Speaker 2 I would only exclude the Down syndrome babies. Okay.
Those are the ones.

Speaker 2 Which, you know, they've cured essentially in

Speaker 2 Down syndrome. Like before birth? They just widespread abortion.

Speaker 2 They're just aborting all of them. And now these Down syndrome activists are like, well, hold on.
Because Because

Speaker 2 they're just killing all of them. What? Yeah.
Really?

Speaker 2 Because you can tell before birth. They can tell before birth now.

Speaker 2 Can you? Yeah. So they find out, and now it's like creates this sort of tricky question for people that are both pro-choice and also.

Speaker 2 So all of Finland's like, fuck him, we're going to kill all of them. Yeah.
They've mostly gotten rid of it. No, it's easy.
Yeah. It's a no.
So what's a no?

Speaker 3 If you know that early.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's a yes to abortion. If I knew that someone was going to have like a severely,

Speaker 2 it was going to to be a whole thing for that person, my life, and never enjoy the same quality of life as me.

Speaker 2 I'd be like, fuck it. If I knew my wife was going to have a retarded son, and like I knew we were going to be moving a lot or

Speaker 2 we're on like a fifth-floor walkup or something,

Speaker 2 bring the groceries up every day, then yes, of course, I'm going to have a stronger son.

Speaker 2 I want him to be as strong as possible. You want him to work wood.
Daddy, where to put this refrigerator?

Speaker 2 Just keep carrying it.

Speaker 2 Three-year-old kids got a a refrigerator there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Congrats, John.
I'm going to get one of those boxes that princesses used to ride around in in Egypt. I'm going to have all my Down syndrome sons carry.
Daddy, I broke my school today.

Speaker 2 The other men with normal sons will say, look, son,

Speaker 2 the most important father in town and his beautiful, retarded boys. Oh, my God.
Paradigm.

Speaker 3 And there's just broken pencils everywhere.

Speaker 3 It should be about a finish. You should move to Finland.
Here's the idea. Nick moves to Finland.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 He has chromosomes added on purpose with each of his beautiful sons.

Speaker 2 And he goes all the way back. They all live in a big cuckoo clock.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and they all live in a cuckoo clock.

Speaker 3 They wear those fucking Lapland hats that, like,

Speaker 3 it's called dumb as a reindeer.

Speaker 2 Or I just do the Schindler's list of Down syndrome babies

Speaker 3 in Finland. And the whole town's like.

Speaker 2 Perfect for Holiday. I have a candy factory where I shelter all of the Down syndrome.
And then

Speaker 3 when Nick commands us to the candy of the factory. Here's the lesson they learn: when

Speaker 3 they eventually turn on everyone, these human chimpanzees.

Speaker 3 Is that wrong?

Speaker 2 I mean, it's scientifically accurate, but is it polite?

Speaker 2 Some circles, no.

Speaker 3 I hate to think that Race Wars is the kind of show where it's not, you know, you're going to be that unsafe to hear things like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I agree. People don't tune into Race Wars

Speaker 2 to not feel safe.

Speaker 2 This is a good thing. Well, there's one Down syndrome listener that's like, I've heard enough.
And he unplugs the headphones from the speaking spell.

Speaker 2 If he listened to this, he's like, they mentioned me.

Speaker 2 Love this show.

Speaker 2 Kurt, can you help me move a rubber mattress next week?

Speaker 2 By move, I mean be.

Speaker 3 Can you be my mattress?

Speaker 2 Rubber mattress. I'm a huge fan.

Speaker 3 Anyway, because I always bring it up when I talk about China, like there was no, I say Down syndrome in China. No, I know what you're going to say.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what I'm going to say. Wait, there was, you didn't see any.

Speaker 3 I already know what Nick's going to say. What?

Speaker 2 They just wiped those out in China. No, he's going to say, oh, we did have rules.

Speaker 2 It's called Mongolism. I mean, it's named after him.

Speaker 2 The white man named it. I did.
The white man did that evil shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 God didn't give up the name. I can tell you exactly who it is.
His name was John Langdon Downs, and he really? The guy the Down syndrome is named after.

Speaker 2 He wrote a paper in the 1880s, I think, called Ethnic Classifications of Idiots. Yeah.
And so every type of retarded person. I would say that a rap group.
Every type of retarded person.

Speaker 2 I think we have a title. Oh,

Speaker 2 that's definitely the title. I didn't hear that.

Speaker 2 I remember when you and Black Sheep came out. He just pointed at retarded people and he goes, he goes, Chinese, black, that one's Puerto Rican.
And then that was science back then.

Speaker 3 Dude, I love science. Was just like a white guy just had to have mutton chops.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And like a frilly collar and just like say whatever shit came from.

Speaker 2 Ben Franklin was just a drunk. Yeah.
He was just like a drunk. But that's what science was.
It's still the entire legal system in England. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All you have to do is have

Speaker 3 a wig.

Speaker 2 And the judges and lawyers and shit. The House of Lords.
And you can do whatever. You can say whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 3 But that's what science was. You're just a white man would get drunk and think.

Speaker 2 Mongolism!

Speaker 2 They used to call him chink-chink face.

Speaker 2 Droopy ass. Basically.
The theory was that your ancestor fucked a celestial or whatever, and then the genes trickled down and manifested themselves as a

Speaker 3 celestial. Oh, you mean like from Marvel?

Speaker 3 What's a celestial?

Speaker 2 An Asian person.

Speaker 3 Why would they be called celestials?

Speaker 2 That's what they call them on Deadwood. I was trying to use

Speaker 2 a period-accurate term. Celestials? You know, have you seen Deadwood? Yeah.
Turing's always saying, oh, the Celestials. These cocksucking celestials.
What does that mean? I don't know. They're not.

Speaker 2 Do they look to the stars for answers? A foreign? Does it mean foreigners?

Speaker 2 Celestials means means Asians on days. As people who are mostly made of gas.

Speaker 2 African American and use celestials. I mean, I'm going to use it for Asians for now on.
Celestials.

Speaker 2 I need to get some celestial food tonight.

Speaker 2 But after you eat celestial food, you're hungry half hourly.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the celestials.

Speaker 2 Mostly grass.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Here we go. Little Google fingers got racist.
Google it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because we like to learn here on this.

Speaker 2 What does it say?

Speaker 3 So that we can be better racists.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dear Jeeves or Mr. Jeeves.

Speaker 3 racist. I asked

Speaker 3 racist Jeeves. I asked Jeeves

Speaker 3 why they used to call people from China Celestials. It's because it's called the Celestial Empire.
Oh.

Speaker 3 And so more.

Speaker 3 So they

Speaker 3 hold on. Why did foreigners call them Celestials? Oh, because

Speaker 3 they were citizens of the Celestial Empire.

Speaker 3 It was introduced innocently by newspaper writers.

Speaker 3 In those days,

Speaker 3 they felt that good writing meant a feverish search for synonyms.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 They wanted to names the call.

Speaker 3 They're like, I need seven kinds of nigga.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've got syphilis.

Speaker 2 I need one.

Speaker 2 My brain is on the outside of my head.

Speaker 2 I've got scars all over my cerebrum from syphilis. I need to come up with new words for the other race.

Speaker 2 It's a brain. I thought you changed face was up there.

Speaker 2 Name the top seven.

Speaker 3 And it was a thing to kind of, because they interpreted

Speaker 3 that Chinese, it was like absurd.

Speaker 3 Like, because they were like, you're not celestial. So I call them celestial.
Like, it's like a little sarcastic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a term of not endearment.

Speaker 3 Like, get this laundry done.

Speaker 2 It's their nigger word of the time for Asians. The white man is the devil.
Yes, we are. And then they try to bring the word back in that one, get a young generation into the world.

Speaker 2 They called white people molestials.

Speaker 3 Molestials?

Speaker 2 That makes sense. They had their own

Speaker 2 molestials?

Speaker 3 Oh, so this is interesting. Uh-oh.
So calling a mere laundryman, laundryman,

Speaker 3 celestial, was an irony that even the least educated anti-Chinese white hoodlum could understand, so it rapidly became an insult for some, while others, especially journalists, continued to use it with less prejudicial intent as a synonym for Chinaman.

Speaker 3 So like liberals, I guess, were saying it, I guess, like an African-American. Right.

Speaker 3 But then if you were like, yeah, you African-American. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like how waiters call black people Canadians. Right.

Speaker 2 Well, that's only when black people aren't there. When we're not there, they call us niggas like everybody else.
Oh, yeah, yeah. So, thank you.
I've never been a waiter. I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't tip, is because of their widespread racism.

Speaker 2 I'm getting back at that. Taking a knee for us, thank you.

Speaker 2 I'll save the six, seven dollars a meal

Speaker 2 to stand up for my friends. That's my brother.
I love my brother, man.

Speaker 3 Takes a village, goddamn it. It's funny, but I think Nicaragua doesn't tip.

Speaker 2 No, I know he does not. I tip.
I actually tip pretty well.

Speaker 2 You do now making fucking 30 grand a fucking a month. I pay people.
Everybody gets paid. Son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch. Nick to my hot chocolate the other day, and he wouldn't stop talking about it.
Yeah, you gotta brag about how much money you got.

Speaker 2 It's fucked up and unfair to not tell people how much money you make. That's a bullshit thing companies came up with to exploit people.
Everyone want to know.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Other people you work with the same job, by all means, tell them how much money you make. But I don't want the jerk offs on Patreon.
Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Ever knowing what i pull in like why would i ever want to i don't get venmo i it's like oh so would you want the public to know like why

Speaker 2 would i ever want the public to know any transaction that i do what are you doing

Speaker 3 it's like i hope everybody sees are you familiar with this i resent young man

Speaker 2 let's ask this young kid i'm on patreon and i resent jerk off

Speaker 3 but venmo trying to share public shit is just weird but that's what the kids like nowadays they like a nice overshare.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That's just weird to me.
I never put a public

Speaker 2 show on Venmo. I only just pay my rent on Venmo, so I don't really give a shit.
Do you put the public scene?

Speaker 2 Look, somebody made it. Tiny dick medicine, then maybe I would make that private, but I don't really.
I'm going to actually say tiny dick medicine.

Speaker 2 Listen, I know how motherfuckers will watch your Venmo, see when you're paying your rent, scheme on you, and then hit you over the head the day before you usually Venmo it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you mean somebody else trying to get me to pay my roommate like they use a fake name? No, they'll just follow your money, see what days you pay your rent.

Speaker 2 The day before you usually pay your rent, they'll smash you over your head, make you Venmo it to them, or just take your money.

Speaker 2 I don't want anybody knowing any, they'll fix on it. Niggas is that hungry.
Yeah, yeah. That they will be like this.
Every July 7th, here you go. And then July 8th, nigga.

Speaker 2 And they'll fucking rob you. Yeah.
They'll rob you.

Speaker 2 It's like telling people you got money in your pocket and when you pay your bills and when you walk into the store.

Speaker 2 Look at me with $20, everybody. That's what I love.
Get chips. You know, those deposit envelopes that they have just for deposits that they give to like employees to put money.

Speaker 2 And it's like, those are only ever filled with a shit ton of cash. Yes.
And they're supposed to be discreet. You might as well just have a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it.
Yeah, it's old school.

Speaker 2 Keystone copping with a big sap. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The guy I work with got clocked with a goddamn brick and they stole like fucking just like nine grand or something. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Because they study and see what time everybody comes to drop money off. And honestly, good.
Anybody who works in production deserves to have that happen.

Speaker 2 Jesus. Because they're always somebody's nephew.
You know? Yeah. You got the job.

Speaker 2 Right. You got the job.

Speaker 3 Nepheutism. That's right.

Speaker 3 I'm sick of nephew.

Speaker 2 This is the most annoying type of autism.

Speaker 2 Neputism.

Speaker 3 The rampant nephew.

Speaker 2 Abort them, I say.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. We were talking about aborting those.

Speaker 2 What? Aborting.

Speaker 2 John Downs. What's his name? John Langdon Downs.

Speaker 3 Whose Whose birthday is today, by the way?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Every day is your birthday when you're retarded. That's right.
But he wasn't the retarded, though. He was the kid.
Come on down to McDonald's. We got a birthday every day for you.
Recharge welcome.

Speaker 3 God in China, though.

Speaker 2 He wasn't retarded.

Speaker 2 He was their Frankenstein doctor, right? He was Dr. Frankenstein.

Speaker 2 McDonald's is retarded people's foo boo.

Speaker 2 They love the toys. They love that ballpit.
And they can work there. And they can work there.

Speaker 3 Oh, for us by us.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's their foo boo, but it's spelled B5A.

Speaker 2 An emoji.

Speaker 2 He just put God bless his God bless his heart. Hey, they're trying.
God bless his heart. Yeah.
They spell it cat. It's fine.
They do a really good job.

Speaker 2 You polish those balls.

Speaker 2 That's the end of this episode.

Speaker 3 Let's get it. My goodness.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 3 Has it flown by the first episode that quickly?

Speaker 2 You are the worst kind of person.

Speaker 3 I've felt like a special person in a ball pit this whole episode.

Speaker 3 Is it time to go home already, Mark?

Speaker 2 No, it's not home time. What kind of, but no.

Speaker 2 So you got some plugs, dum-dum? What are you in here? What are you doing?

Speaker 3 Let me get my plugs. Hold on.

Speaker 2 What are you guys doing?

Speaker 2 I'm Thursday and Friday. I think I'm at the standing room.
Or the stand. Either way, it'll be a good show.
There's a lot of comics, so go to one of them. So

Speaker 2 I've plugged the shows, and hopefully, I can get more spots from doing that. Nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Brian, you want to plug something?

Speaker 2 Sure, my Twitter. There you go.
Go for it. plug it out.
He's a Brian Maribel one,

Speaker 2 he's our number one fan over here, Brian Maribel, our number one fan.

Speaker 3 Yes, and it's it's a great day today that our number one fan could be here.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Karen.

Speaker 3 Finally, you realize I'm really stalling for time to find my dates.

Speaker 2 God damn it, Karen Go.

Speaker 2 I am at Karen Marco, mostly on Inste, as you already know, and I guess Twitty, but we'll talk. And at Unhireable Show, and it's on the show is Unhireable if you want to check it out.

Speaker 2 And I'll be at Stand Up New York tomorrow at 10 30.

Speaker 2 yeah and it's a free show or just hang out yes oh when is that okay that's tomorrow that's tomorrow thursday where's go to gig tommy where's he been wednesday wednesday it's wednesday at stand-up new york at 1030.

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 3 uh i just want to thank our number one fan for being here one more time

Speaker 2 you are the worst kind of person no one has ever seen plugs

Speaker 2 go buy shirts from tommy's book i believe it's dude i believe yeah urban cricket at the

Speaker 2 Union Square. Where is your holiday market?

Speaker 3 I think it's December 7th is the date at Smalls in Detroit. Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, December 22nd, come town live at Black Hat in D.C. There you go.
That's a plugin. That's a big show.

Speaker 2 Blackhead. Black Hat.
Black Hat, I mean.

Speaker 3 My people of Detroit, Friday, December 8th.

Speaker 3 I'll be playing the Big Time Garbage Fest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there you go. A whole festival they named after you?

Speaker 3 No, No, it's, I guess I'm headlined.

Speaker 2 Here it goes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there's a nice poster made, and it's against Joint Smalls.

Speaker 2 Okay. Which is in Small Smalls.
My people's only. Yeah, it's my family's place.

Speaker 3 It's Shroud Smith.

Speaker 2 I said, throw Kurt some work, y'all. Yo, Reggie Smalls, cousin Reggie Smalls, throw my nigga Kurt some work.
And he's like, not now, Shrod. I'm in the background of an Eminem video.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to quietly support

Speaker 2 Master Matters. Didn't he just say drop?

Speaker 2 And don't forget, Small World Comedy presents the festivist for the rest of us. The filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy holiday show.
That's going to be at the Comedy Cellar December 9th.

Speaker 2 Tuesday, December 19th. Tuesday, December 19th, 10.30 p.m.
Get your tickets down. ComedyCella.com.
It's the festivist for the rest of us. The filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy.
Stand-up comedy show.

Speaker 2 We got Big J, we got Michelle Wolf, we got Jordan. Kurt's back.
Kurt's won't be on there.

Speaker 3 What's the date?

Speaker 2 December 19th, December, Tuesday, December 19th, 10.30 p.m. That's going to be the comedy cell.
We got a bunch of people coming through. Make sure you get the tickets, comedyseller.com, small world.

Speaker 2 And that's the end of the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all your mothers. Welcome back, bro.

Speaker 2 Miss you, Kirk.