Ep. 63 – Scaramucci News Episode

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Speaker 2 this will be an atom free episode no nice please have we started no we already started can i just take a quick no man you're the one who wanted to start fuck you you said let's start you literally said that 10 minutes ago

Speaker 2 Okay, but like 20 minutes ago. I took this pill and I now need to poop.
Whatever, man. If you leave, you're replaced permanently on the show.

Speaker 2 Now Amber's on broke. Hand the microphone to Amber, please.
You want me to prairie dog? Yes. This entire episode? Bro, sit.
You, first of all, you fucked it up. Me and Nick had a cold open.

Speaker 2 Sound for a while. Me and Nick had a cold open, and now we can't.
We will still do it. We had a cold open like a sitcom would.
Like a scripted TV show would do it. Okay.
Are you ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Charlie. Oh, yeah.
Charlie sucked my penis.

Speaker 2 Charlie sucked my penis.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's Charlie.

Speaker 2 You guys remember that viral hit? I think that came out last week or something. It's pretty recent.

Speaker 2 Charlie bit my finger. Charlie sucked my penis.

Speaker 2 You want to know it's fucked up? That video is from five years ago. Uh-uh.
I thought it was like longer. No, it's from five years ago.
Charlie

Speaker 2 are grown-ups now. Yeah, they are.
They're the king and queen of England. What? That's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Whoever starts being gay the earliest becomes the king of England. Oh, wow.
So with Charlie, Adam's the king of England.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Adams is the princess. Adams sucked off the doctor on the way out of his mom's pussy.

Speaker 2 That's not true.

Speaker 2 A whole new world. Don't you dare suck my dick.

Speaker 2 That one's going to be good

Speaker 2 for a while the other day.

Speaker 2 A whole new world. Don't you dare suck my dick.
A whole new pussy. He's just getting carpet head.
Oh, yeah. On a magic carpet.

Speaker 2 And they do it. Carpet bombing.
That's where they ride the carpet around, and then he takes a shit and they're posted.

Speaker 2 You ever hear that sex move? Yeah, that's what we did to Afghanistan for the last 11 years. Whoa, dude.

Speaker 2 We got Trapo Trap House.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I got to get a little politico in the pod again. 11 years.
Bernie Sanders, dude.

Speaker 2 That's an accurate amount of time. Yeah, that's not even true.

Speaker 2 16 years that we retard.

Speaker 2 No, when did we go?

Speaker 2 2012? 2001.

Speaker 2 We went right after. 2002? Yeah, we immediately invaded Afghanistan.
And then Iraq 2003? Yes.

Speaker 2 I thought,

Speaker 2 dude, I was like, not only was it a good joke, but you also had it accurate. Well, I meant that the carpet, the shitting and the pussy has only been 11 years.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 That's one of those sex things. It wasn't a joke.
It was a statement. It was one of those sex things that middle schoolers come up with.
Right. Like the dirty Sanchez.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was a camp counselor, and the kids, I was like, let's do your name. Also known as a tattletale.
Yeah, yeah. I was like, let's do our names in the city we're from.

Speaker 2 The guards elected me as the counselor

Speaker 2 of my particular bump because they knew I could be trusted to tell them who had been eating dried rats outside of their normal prison rats.

Speaker 2 And you better believe I tattled.

Speaker 2 So the kids, I was like, well, we're the oldest kids at camp, so we're the leaders now, so you can select the third fact. And they were like, let's do sex positions.
Nice.

Speaker 2 And these like 14-year-old kids told me some of the most gruesome and hilarious sex positions.

Speaker 2 The Tennessee Pile Driver, it's where you're fucking a girl through a wall and you like literally fuck her so hard you explode through the drywall. Oh, yeah.
A lot of people have done that.

Speaker 2 The white dragon, where you're getting head, and then right before you bust, you shove your dick right down her throat and she coughs up the cum through her nostrils. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 I made one up in high school. Talk about the little rascals.
You know that one?

Speaker 2 That's when you fuck eight,

Speaker 2 eight, six-year-old boys.

Speaker 2 It's a sex movie. And you call the little rascals.
And a pit bull.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And a pit bull.

Speaker 2 That's a really good one.

Speaker 2 A whole team of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then Your Honor, I'm sorry, I'm just a little rascal.

Speaker 2 Your Honor, excuse me,

Speaker 2 I was spending a lot of time on Urban Dictionary.

Speaker 2 In college, one of my friends put a sex move on Urban Dictionary called The Backstage Paz,

Speaker 2 which had two Z's. And the usage in a sentence was, girl, show me that pussy and that as is the backstage pass it's like horrible

Speaker 2 squats down and shows her

Speaker 2 I don't know it wasn't mine yeah do you guys know the Terry Shivo yeah well no that's okay

Speaker 2 continue it's when you fuck Terry Shivo

Speaker 2 we used to call it getting drunk stick your dick down her feeding tube

Speaker 2 we used to say we're getting fucking shivo tonight like blackout yeah

Speaker 2 the the um the

Speaker 2 Shy-vo joke. That's how long I've been doing Stand-Up.
That shit happened while I was doing comedy. The Bush administration stand-up.
Yeah, dude. Yeah.
So I'm old school. What was it?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Something about how she died doing what she loved.
What was it? Because she was bulimic or whatever. And then eventually.

Speaker 2 They pulled her feeding tube out. No, that's not bad.
That's how she got that way. She was bulky.
That's not bulimia. That's anorexic.
Wait, really?

Speaker 2 I thought she was doing like a car accident or something. Oh, yeah, it was a motorcycle accident.

Speaker 2 She had a stroke from being bulimic or or something. I thought she had a motorcycle last time.
No, that's Gary Busey. Gary Busey's on life support right now? No, Gary Busey had a motorcycle.

Speaker 2 We got to get them hearts going for Gary right now. I don't want that tube pulled up.
Get hard for Gary. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Send a picture of your hard penis to Gary Busey. The Darwin.
It will match every dick pic. Do you know the Darwin? You put your limp dick in a girl's mouth and then it evolves into a boner.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. And then it chokes and kills her, and then you say survival of the fittest bitch.
Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I hate these. That's rude.
Yeah. I hate all these.
I think you know the glory hole, but it's you capitalize glory, so it's like the movie Glory.

Speaker 2 And that's when you stick your dick through a hole in a bathroom, and then you beat a black man with it on his back until a single tear rolls down his cheek. Denzel Washington in the movie Glory.

Speaker 2 Is that the one where they're... No, that's I was thinking of Amistan.
No, it's about the black battalion in the Civil War. Yep.
Matthew Broderick is their cattle.

Speaker 2 A lot of

Speaker 2 the black soldiers fought for the Confederacy. Yeah.
So they loved it. So we loved that.
That's good. We're bad.
Think about that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I agree. That's sound logic.

Speaker 2 Think about that. Well, of course.
Gavin makes that argument. Did you see the Cernovich video from today? No.
What?

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I don't subscribe to r/slash politics underscore cool. So I don't know.
I don't know. I didn't see every video that could happen.
What happened?

Speaker 2 Some kid came up to him and he's like, I was watching heavyweights. I took your pills out.
Really? No. But I was like, I love that movie.
I want to watch heavyweights. I actually did nothing.

Speaker 2 I thought it would be a funny thing to say that I was doing instead of literally anything.

Speaker 2 And then it was. Wait, I was watching heavyweights.
It was a funny way to say that I wasted the day. Yeah.
But I literally just got high and looked at things at Home Depot. That's why.

Speaker 2 When I said, let's do one, and you were like, nah, how about three? And that's what you wanted to push it back for. No, because I had already gotten high and I was like too high to do the show.

Speaker 2 Oh, that would have been fun. Oh, yeah, Stoner Nick.
Welcome Stoner Nick to the show. Yeah.
The new cool Cali vibes. Oh, Nick Mullen.
Oh, yeah, he's got a bunch of Doritos. Nick,

Speaker 2 we're talking strains of weed today. What's your favorite? You like an Indica? You like a heady satin? Man, I like that.
I like that Neon Robocop. That fucking

Speaker 2 Goofy the Dog. You know what I mean? That power line.
Damn. That Blackface Mambo.

Speaker 2 That's my shit.

Speaker 2 Blackface Mambo, number Let me get some of that FAG69, dude. That'll be a good thing.
I'll see that movie Blackface Mother. That retard diesel.
I'm trying to get that extra chromosome, that

Speaker 2 fetal Alcohol syndrome, pussy juice

Speaker 2 style,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Girl with a fucking body high.
Yeah, a girl with a stoma so wide you can stick your dick in it. That's the whole name of the strain of weed.
All of that. Girl with a stoma.
It's like girl.

Speaker 2 Because it's sorry, they had girl with a dragon tattoo was a type of weed. And then they crossed that with

Speaker 2 retard juice,

Speaker 2 which was originally an offshoot of Betelgeuse. Remember, we used to smoke Betelgeuse.
Oh, yeah. And then they crossed Betelgeuse with just retard.
There was a

Speaker 2 weed that

Speaker 2 started giving people Down syndrome. Yeah, yeah.
It was made by the government, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's government weed. That's a government.

Speaker 2 Government grows in the synagogue. Dude, yeah, that shit's government, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's a grow light in the oval office, dude. Yeah.
Under the eagle, if you tap the eagle's beak three times,

Speaker 2 it flips. This is the weed that Bill Clinton used to make Monica Lewinsky pass out so you could fuck her in the mouth while she was asleep.
Yeah. So the government.

Speaker 2 It was actually, it was not a cigar, it was a fat-ass blunt. Yeah, dude.
I love that. Oh,

Speaker 2 that would have been pimped, dude. Yeah, Bill Clinton did that.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Put a blount in her pussy in her snatch. It's great having not smoked weed in forever.
I can take like one pull and then I'm fucked up for dude. I literally

Speaker 2 stopped for a month and I'm like that again. Yeah.
Like, I can take one. It doesn't feel good.
I don't particularly enjoy it. It's not fun to take.
Yeah, I feel trapped. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I still have anxiety and panic, but it's like, yeah, but it's because I'm high. And then it just gives you an excuse to feel a shitty formally dead.
That's true.

Speaker 2 I feel like what I use it for is to, when I'm anxious and I'm freaking out, I smoke weed and I'm like, well, there's nothing I can do now. I'm high.

Speaker 2 So I might as well watch movies and eat fucking Chinese food. Hell yeah.
Watch UFC. I just watched the UFC event.
Who won that thing? Johnny Bones-Jones. Jones.

Speaker 2 It was a really good event. He kicked him in the head.
I saw that. That was awesome, dude.
That kick in the head. Yeah, I'm a UFC head now, dude.
Are you? I used to be, and now I'm back, dude.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 When I was a little, well, not a little.

Speaker 2 UFC is like three years old. I'm going to start covering the rodeo for

Speaker 2 the podcast for all the rodeo people that want to be. Rodeo heads.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love that. Rodeo head.

Speaker 2 I love that name.

Speaker 2 Just a redneck.

Speaker 2 Karma police.

Speaker 2 Rest this man.

Speaker 2 He stole my truck and that bitch is now fucking somebody else.

Speaker 2 My dog, my job sucks. Hey, if you're gonna cover um the rodeo, maybe you and Adam can um carpool there because he's a fucking rodeo clown.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 That's a good a burn.

Speaker 2 You know, when it's good, it's good. You know, Adam is that guy from Dallas Buyers Club who has AIDS.

Speaker 2 Very nice. Yeah, that's nice.
That's the type of rodeo clown he is.

Speaker 2 I love it when the kid's getting bullied by a group of friends, and then he starts that he adopts the strategy where he's like, oh, nice guy. I am good.
Yeah, I am a fan.

Speaker 2 That's my new strategy on the show. That's literally what just happened to you with those DMs.
Which ones? You, the one you're describing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I made fun of someone that he DM'd me. I was like, nice, dude.

Speaker 2 We don't want to be rude and say who it was, but a guy made fun of Chapo on Twitter. Oh, nice.
And the tweet tanked.

Speaker 2 And Adam will not have anyone make fun of his favorite show

Speaker 2 aspires to get on. Yeah, dude.
I'm the 10th member of Chapo.

Speaker 2 Who are you trying to replace? I'm the Joe Jackson of Chapter 2. Who are you trying to? Amber, obviously.
He's out of there. You got to get that badge off the show.

Speaker 2 You are the badge. You're the bad hole of the show.
They do need a more feminine version. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you need a real queer on the show.

Speaker 2 A real rodeo queer, dude.

Speaker 2 Chill, yeah. It's cool, you white knight for Chappo.
No, I mean, come on. You guys know that I'm a fraud.
I've lied my way into left Twitter. I don't know what Praxis means or any of that shit.

Speaker 2 I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what

Speaker 2 they can do. You know, all the CrossFits have names like CrossFit, Lowry Side, or CrossFit, Do It, you know, or whatever.
Yeah, yeah. You know, it's like CrossFit Bowery.

Speaker 2 The one in DC I saw was CrossFit Praxis.

Speaker 2 There is Praxis rules? No, that was just the way you apply a theory.

Speaker 2 There's one in DC called Humble Beast.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now I can't remember. Now I can't remember if it's named after my duty.
I can't remember if it was actually CrossFit Praxis or something equally stupid in Praxis is the one I used to make fun of it.

Speaker 2 But DC has like a very nerdy CrossFit. Yeah, CrossFit.

Speaker 2 Dialectic. Yeah, it's something like that.
Yeah. DC's a bunch of fucking nerds.
I went to a New York City nightclub, folks, on Friday night.

Speaker 2 Well, hold on. This isn't going to turn into the Adam Friedland story aisle.

Speaker 2 I don't want it. You already had the one thing about the guy that DM'd you.
You already said that. You said the story.
I didn't even say that. First of all, I don't want to.
You're not going to shit.

Speaker 2 I literally need to. Then go to the fucking bathroom.
You're not going to shit, bitch. But you're going to kick me off the show and put Amber on it.
Yeah, we are. First of all, we're good.

Speaker 2 Whether you shit or not. Ooh, let's trade.
Let's just make a trade. I'm supposed to trade the challenge.

Speaker 2 When's the podcast trade deadline?

Speaker 2 A couple days. We want Amber and we want Felix like six times a year.
And then

Speaker 2 we want producing considerations. Yeah, we want Brennan to put some sound effects in.
Can you trade me to Hellbent? And we still call you gay.

Speaker 2 We call you on the phone and you Skype in and we make fun of you. Oh, finally, yeah,

Speaker 2 like you drive-time radio pitch. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
I'll take it. I just want to feel like included in my

Speaker 2 three-teamer with Hellbent. We don't send you to Chaba because that's what you want.
No, obviously.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're getting busted down to the Vadger League. Whatever, dude.

Speaker 2 The WMILB. I'm doing good.
WMBG.

Speaker 2 The Women's Minor League Baseball.

Speaker 2 Ever didn't laugh at that.

Speaker 2 Shut up. That was my favorite when you would post something on Facebook and then we get a bunch of likes and then some girl would comment like, only two women like this.

Speaker 2 Who does that? I've seen it happen numerous times.

Speaker 2 And so that means every bitch in the world. That's who does it.

Speaker 2 I've seen it happen literally three or four times.

Speaker 2 So that means

Speaker 2 it's an epidemic. Yeah.
Saf, can I have one of your donuts? They're not my donuts. I'm fucking trying to get clean.
I'm losing my business. Is Kale doing this bit where he buys stuff?

Speaker 2 Foods that he's not allowed to eat. This sucks, dude.
This was the worst thing.

Speaker 2 I'll put it on a nice plate.

Speaker 2 This is the

Speaker 2 bought a half a dozen donuts and put it out for birthday boy. I want them so much.
He keeps saying birthday boy. Oh, yeah.
Happy birthday, Sav. Happy birthday is February 11th.
What's your sign?

Speaker 2 Aries? Aquarius. Aquarius.
Nice. Because you get wet, dude.
Oh, yeah. I get it wet.
I both do Sherm and I get pussies wet. I get both kinds of wet.
What's your sign?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know the zero.

Speaker 2 The game? Uh-oh. No, those are for women.
I don't know. I don't even know what my birthday is.
I don't know what color my eyes are. December something.
Yeah, I don't know my birthday.

Speaker 2 The fans can figure out what your birthday was, too. My birthday is just listed on my Twitter.
Is it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why are you threatening to have people look into me? Yeah, dude. That's what that means, you little fucking weasel.
You don't think I know what that means? Oh, well, I'm sure the fans can.

Speaker 2 You're implying you want people to stalk and harass you. Damn, I want that fucking crawler, dude.
Yeah, eat it. No, fuck you.

Speaker 2 I do want it, though. It's going to be good.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude. I'm hungry.
Yeah, well, you missed out. The Simpsons donut's already been.
I know, I know. I'm so happy.

Speaker 2 I was so happy Amber took the Homer because your boy was about to fucking die. Remember when Homer's head turns into that donut? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That treehouse of horror? Oh, yeah. Is that when he goes into the real world too? Don't pick at it.

Speaker 2 But I'm so delicious. Remember when he was 3D in the real world? Yeah, that was a cool one.
Homer Squared.

Speaker 2 Or Homer Cubed? I think Cubed. Yeah, it was Homer Cubed.

Speaker 2 Yeah. God, that shit rocks.
When I was a kid in Vegas, there was a house that they made into the Simpsons house. Yeah.
It was like a contest. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.

Speaker 2 And I remember being, because that was like at the height of my Simpsons fandom. It was in in Vegas.
Right when the show started to get shitty.

Speaker 2 And I remember being like, he's been as a kid, like, why would you want that? That house was so fucking butt-ugly. Yeah, yeah.
Because it was in my family friend's crude drawing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the point of it. Wait, it was a house that people

Speaker 2 win to the Simpsons. It wasn't a museum.
It was in the wind, and it was literally the house from The Simpsons. I just thought it was a museum.
No. No, you get the Simpson house.

Speaker 2 It's probably a museum now. It's probably a museum now because it was such an ugly house.

Speaker 2 Isn't there something in Austin that's the Flintstones house or something? I don't know. That sounds like something you came up with in a diabetic

Speaker 2 that you were in.

Speaker 2 I've got too many sugars going on. Why does that mean? Where's the Flintstones house?

Speaker 2 I'm a game. I'm a little bit candy lips.

Speaker 2 It's me, Candy Lips. I'm on a sugar vacation.

Speaker 2 I'm a minor character from Adventure Time. I've elevated myself to high levels of consciousness by way of fruit roll-ups.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm about to free base fruit rolls. Transcended reality.
Candy rolls. Thanks to these York peppermint patties.

Speaker 2 First of all, those suck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we made all the bad candies. I saw Sav chopping up lines of sweet and loaf.
He said I was going to lose him some weight.

Speaker 2 He's been sounding with Swedish fish, making them swim upstream like salmon would. What's sounding? Up your dick hole.
Yeah, he's been shoving Swedish fish up your dick hole.

Speaker 2 Would you suck a Swedish fish out of a guy's dick?

Speaker 2 What a trade-off.

Speaker 2 Another one of my world-famous hypotheticals.

Speaker 2 A lot of pros and cons, you know.

Speaker 2 I hope someone does like.

Speaker 2 I want to think about it.

Speaker 2 That would be a good super cut of our show if someone did every single one of these. No, we should have terrible hypotheticals.

Speaker 2 Guess a game show that stop has

Speaker 2 people are like, no, of course not. He's like, damn.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. All right.
Well, anyway,

Speaker 2 I don't think anybody gets the money then.

Speaker 2 Good night.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Boys, I moved into a real motherfucking room. Oh, today's

Speaker 2 story time. Now we got two.

Speaker 2 You got to have some real rooms. You got to clear with me.
Shut up. No, I don't know.
Because if you have enough charisma, you can tell a story. I have tons of charisma.

Speaker 2 That's not true at a black hole of charisma. I am told constantly that I have a character.
And I a lot of people. I'm sure you didn't say charisma again.
He's been saying charisma a lot. Has he?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he just learned the right way to say it. First of all, it's charisma.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's a Greek. It's the actual word.
Okay. I said it was a Greek word before you did, so there's no reason for you to even say that it's a Greek word.
I'm sorry. I already told people.
I apologize.

Speaker 2 I already apologize. Anyone? I already said I'm sorry.
All right.

Speaker 2 You're suspended for two minutes. Oh, Satan.

Speaker 2 You're suspended for two minutes.

Speaker 2 Not today, Satan. Uh-uh.
Uh-uh, Satan. It's 409.
You can't see. He's using black girl magic.

Speaker 2 Not to. Quit, get his hair wet.

Speaker 2 That's the only antidote.

Speaker 2 Touches. He's one of those spray bottles for cats.
Each is hair. Everybody touches hair.
We all touch his hair at the same time. It'll destroy his power.

Speaker 2 That would be so funny if Sav started using black girl magic. It was slapping his weave when he came in the apartment.
Just give it that tap on the cornrows.

Speaker 2 What was I going to say? Yeah, we got real rooms.

Speaker 2 I think the whole squad's in real rooms now.

Speaker 2 I'm actually temporarily homeless for 10 years. Yeah, and you were the only one with a cool apartment.
I'm about to have an apartment, yeah. And now, me and Icy,

Speaker 2 you little icy little bitch.

Speaker 2 You're

Speaker 2 moving out of my place today. To displace more people from Brooklyn to make a

Speaker 2 tell the story about the place you're living in and the family that was living there beforehand. It's not a family, it's a cop, actually, that's living there.
It's a black woman. No, it wasn't.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. It's a white cop.

Speaker 2 And it was a rent-controlled department. She's been riding the bus since the protest.
No, she wasn't. It's a cop in the struggle.
No.

Speaker 2 She rode a bus into Brooklyn directly from the plantation that she was in. No,

Speaker 2 it's a police battalion plantation in South Carolina.

Speaker 2 No relation. I mean, there might be.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 I did a Black Lives Matters eminent domain, and I took away that cop's home. Oh, is that what happened? No.
My rich friend bought a

Speaker 2 rich Jew friend steal a home from the blacks in Brooklyn? I don't think that no, that didn't happen.

Speaker 2 So it's a cop? The cop that my unit is occupied. Who else lives in that building? The rest of the units are empty.
The cop is the last one. I had to shoot in a cop's apartment

Speaker 2 for someone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was some police sergeant, and we went into this place.

Speaker 2 I didn't know it was a cop's place, so like, you know, we're, I'm helping, I don't know, them pre-light the fucking apartment or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 And you go in, and there's all these taxidermied animals around the ceiling. This is crazy.
Like the fucking, you know, like that, whatever that hunter's den is in Adventura 2.

Speaker 2 In Africa. But this is just an apartment.
It's like a fucking two-bedroom. Where was it? In Queens? In Queens, yeah.
In Astoria or Queen? Wait, no, you know, maybe it was in

Speaker 2 Atbush or something. I thought, yeah, I thought you said it was...
I don't know. Either way, it's just a little bit of a distance.
You know, maybe it was in Sunset Park. Oh, okay.
Oh, okay. Cool.

Speaker 2 Now I can't fucking remember where it was. Yeah, maybe it was in Way Ridge.
It was

Speaker 2 Guinea Gulch. Yeah, it was in some fucking place where a cop would live.

Speaker 2 And then there's also in the living room, like those renaissance or couches, you know, like the big ass

Speaker 2 leather fucking couches with like nine cup holders. I love that.
Yeah, that kind of shit. Beavers for reclining.
Yeah, like, you know, when like

Speaker 2 the idea of like a man gave from when you were a kid, like

Speaker 2 a big screen projection TV. No girls.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just like a disgusting giant sectional.

Speaker 2 Nothing can be moved at all. And then a signed copy of Blue Bloods poster, the TV show.
Signed Blue Bloodshot. By Donnie Wahlberg.
And then signed. And then I think

Speaker 2 that's a good one. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Who's they getting? Selik signed that? What's that? Who signed it? Selik?

Speaker 2 Selik and Blue Bloods are in shit. Yeah, guys.

Speaker 2 It's funny because Blue Bloods is a story about a cop family, and it's like, you know, a cop dad, and his son's a cop, and now his grandson's a cop, but his dad was a cop, and his granddad was a cop.

Speaker 2 So the cast is like this 35 generations of cop family, and there's, you know, it'll be the old like patriarch cop is like, ah, this isn't how it was in my day.

Speaker 2 And then an even older man will come around from the corner and be like, what's that, sonny?

Speaker 2 Because you don't know how it was in my day. And then a literal corpse will come out from behind him and be like,

Speaker 2 being some prehistoric cop language. It doesn't.
There's fucking fucking like the cop family goes back to, I think, 1680.

Speaker 2 Nick, you got cops.

Speaker 2 No, I don't have a single cop in my family. You really? Yeah.
Wow. My cousin was murdered by the police, actually.
Really? Yeah. That's cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's incredible. Well,

Speaker 2 he had a gun, and I think he waved it at him, but

Speaker 2 he was running away, and they shot him in the back. Wow.
Big Irish family, no cops. Yeah, no, not as far as I can.
But you have like feds in your family, though, right?

Speaker 2 I have an uncle that worked at the Pentagon after being in the Army. Yeah.
And he was probably the one that reported any of the FTA to the FBI. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Philly uncle. Should we get him?

Speaker 2 Should we fucking

Speaker 2 yeah, we should get him, dude. We should threaten DOD officials.

Speaker 2 Dude, yeah, we got the power of podcasting on our side, dude. Yeah.
Yeah, we got come nation. Stop.

Speaker 2 What? Come on, dude. Someone's going to get pink eye one of these days.
What, dude? No, you shut up. You're going to get pink eye to match your pink.
Yeah, you're a pussy.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 remember i called you a rodeo clown bitch

Speaker 2 i'm a clown oh now that it came back i can appreciate that burn for what it was

Speaker 2 um actually rodeo's a really going for lunch a mcdonald's because you're ronald mcdonald the clown

Speaker 2 hell yeah dude you fucking yeah

Speaker 2 hold on i think i got some balloons here for you

Speaker 2 animals wait when he said he's moving earlier and he's got to bring his dog with him, it's like, oh, be careful because she's made out of balloons. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she might pop on the way over to your new place. That was good timing.
You fucking bitch. Yeah, you got that in right at the right place.

Speaker 2 Hey, buddy, you want, hey, I got some extra white face paint. For what? That might come into your white face paint.
Tell your clown mom that I got a big tent for her over here. Oh, it's this asshole.

Speaker 2 No, it's the Democratic Party. Sorry, sorry, guys.
Sorry. Sorry, guys.

Speaker 2 You wake up in the morning and your dick is making the sheets. Oh, nice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Good, good one.
Yep, yep. That's the circus your mom belongs to.
I love you guys, man. Yeah, dude.
We're such good friends.

Speaker 2 We're best friends, all of us.

Speaker 2 We're so close.

Speaker 2 When did you guys uniforms come yet? The clown uniforms? Oh, no. Not yet.

Speaker 2 Tuesday. It was supposed to come yesterday.

Speaker 2 There's not more clown-related businesses. I know.
I thought, oh, this is going to be a good one. I know.
What else? We got McDonald's.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's it. We're the only ones with a clown.
A jack in the box. That's not a clown.

Speaker 2 No, it's literally a jack in the box.

Speaker 2 Fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Fucking dumbass.

Speaker 2 Come on, it looks like a clown.

Speaker 2 He piece of shit. It's got a fucking red nose and shit.
You dumb piece of shit.

Speaker 2 It's a jack. Hold on.
There's more clowns in media.

Speaker 2 Hey, Adam, let me ask you something. Why is it? The Joker, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa, do you see that synergy, dude? Crazy. Synergy? Yeah, because you said why so serious.
I said the joker. That's the only other clown people can think of.
Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 2 But he is maybe technically. Besides you.

Speaker 2 What? And the clowns in Washington.

Speaker 2 Nice, dude. That's hilarious.

Speaker 2 They should really have

Speaker 2 stop on Chappo to just say the clowns in Washington. I would love over and over again.

Speaker 2 Have it be the worst episode possible, like second only to the Brandon Wardell episode. Yeah, exactly.
You can't.

Speaker 2 That's the baseline, like, you can't go lower.

Speaker 2 You can't be the worst. Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 It's funny. It's funny that that's the worst one.
Of course. What the fuck does Brandon know about anything? Nothing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Except being a clown, maybe. Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Do you guys see each other at clown school where you went to college? Is that why you and Brandon did? Brandon did not get into clowns. They camp together in the same tiny car.
Yeah, tiny car.

Speaker 2 That's good. I was like, Brandon could have passed the literacy requirement for clown college.

Speaker 2 Whoa, dude. Bring a fellow clown? That's got to be against the clown code of ethics.
No, you got to be able to read at an eighth-grade level. You know what's funny?

Speaker 2 Like in 9-11, when they brought in all the firefighters all the way out from Ohio and

Speaker 2 D.C., whenever they help out. It'd be like, you know, those clown firefighters that they have in the circus.

Speaker 2 Like, even those guys showed up.

Speaker 2 They'll just bring in a ladder.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 So, but yeah, now that I have a room, I'm looking forward. I've got to interior decorate it.
Yeah, I'm going to help you out with that.

Speaker 2 I want my designer to. Get one of your Chinese girlfriends to do feng shui in there.
Can you? That'd be good. What's feng shui mean? It's like the order of things.

Speaker 2 I think it's like ordering things the correct way for like the energy

Speaker 2 of the spirits. That's so calm.
Of the ancestors. No, it's not, dude.
Yeah, it is. You're honestly, at a certain point in your life, going to get really into it.
I can assure you. I can assure you.

Speaker 2 Nah, it doesn't. Yeah, it does.
No, I'm more about the purchases.

Speaker 2 I know you're about purchases, but when you get your own apartment, you're going to get really lucky. I had my own apartment.

Speaker 2 You were 21. I know, I know.
But when you. $600 a month for a one-bedroom apartment.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Imagine that existing still. Yeah.
Damn, dude. All of his furniture was pizza boxes.
Yeah. Stacked high.
No, I got a good deal on

Speaker 2 a couch and love seeds set at Goodwill for like 50 bucks. What? That's pretty good.
Really? I could do better. No, you can't.
Yeah, Craigslist.

Speaker 2 Especially, Stop. You should be looking right now because

Speaker 2 you're listening to Adam's Deal Corner on the Comeback Podcast. Stop Rose.

Speaker 2 Stop Rose. Listen to me.
50% off. 80% off.
90% off.

Speaker 2 It's a big moving day today. It's the last day of the month.
You should look on Craigslist. Seriously.
That actually is a good day. And this is a big moving month, too.

Speaker 2 He knows deals. Your boy knows deals.
What about deals? These prices are so crazy, you're going to think I'm mentally retarded, folks.

Speaker 2 Come the retarded Jackson. Hey, come on, every town has that guy.

Speaker 2 Every town

Speaker 2 is so low, you'd think I'm retarded.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like a coked-up, like, fucking deal guy in every single town. Is there so drool on on most of the furniture? Yes.
But ignore that.

Speaker 2 I'm retarding. Is there a what on is there some drool? Oh, drool.
Drool. I thought you were saying drool.
I thought you said j drool. The rush.

Speaker 2 Shadroel? Look at this fucking jadrol over there. I thought that's good.
That's Italian. Yeah.
No, it's Italian. Shadrool? Yeah, they say it in sopranos.
Jiddrool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm trying to get my shit. I'm ready to fuck luxuriously now that I have four walls.

Speaker 2 You should, I think, do you have what kind of mattress you fucking with? I have a full. I already have a full? Yeah.
You should go queen, dude. You're an adult.

Speaker 2 Dude, I wish I had just bought the nice mattress at Ikea when I got my bed. What do you have?

Speaker 2 I spent the money on the bed, and I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I'm buying a bed instead of just making it. And then you have to get the mattress.
And I was like, I don't want to spend another four.

Speaker 2 I'm building a bed. Yeah.
So then I just fucking

Speaker 2 paid the money for the cheapest IKEA market. Oh, dude.
Oh, that's fucking stupid, dude. Upgrade, bro.
You should get a nice mattress. That was an upgrade.
I was coming from a

Speaker 2 flat piece of wood

Speaker 2 that I was sleeping sleeping on for years. Seriously, dude, you spend.

Speaker 2 Okay, back to Adam's deal corner. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 Adam's advice corner. Guys, you spend a third of your life

Speaker 2 as a human being. Yeah, yeah.
That's not right. Investing in a nice

Speaker 2 mattress. I've got four hours a night.
Okay. I'm like, Mr.
Dean. Are you one of those guys? I'm Mr.
Production. Nick is one of those.
That's John Gruden. I wake up at 4 a.m.
I go for a 7.5 mile run.

Speaker 2 I come back.

Speaker 2 I do another 18.5 mile. I do a 9K.

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 you know. 9K is not 18.

Speaker 2 I write encrypted, threatening emails to North Korea. Oh.

Speaker 2 You know, I try to make that situation worse because I'm hedging. I got a bunch of money wound up in Samsung's competitors.

Speaker 2 So I figure you create a war on the Korean peninsula, you destroy Samsung, suddenly all the Chinese L C D manufacturers I'm investing in become great options. I'm getting that Chinese TV.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I told you, because I've been spreading money into those companies.

Speaker 2 No, because it was

Speaker 2 for me to be because of the reviews. No,

Speaker 2 that's entirely me manipulating the market. No, it's consumer.
How much you call smart money? No, I just spend a lot of money.

Speaker 2 By that, I mean that is my nickname that you are to refer to me as for the rest of our motherfucking smart money over here.

Speaker 2 All right. Y'all look at this.
Brother, hey, brother, smart money.

Speaker 2 That's me. You're like a Muslim investor? I live right next door to.
There's an old black guy that wears these fuzzy white Kangle hats. Hell yes.
Yeah. And I want them so bad.
Get one, dude.

Speaker 2 Why can't he? Because they're his.

Speaker 2 Imagine if that guy saw me walking out wearing the same.

Speaker 2 Well, you could get the fuzzy that I'm wearing.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, it's a coincidence. That's even more cool.
Wait, is it a fuzzy like

Speaker 2 gentrifying the neighbor is one thing, but you're going to just like take your swag clothes as a 70-year-old black man? You already do that. No, I don't.
What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 2 What do you think the tracksuits are about? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 What do I think? I've been wearing tracksuits for decades. Tracksuits are cool, dude.
How many decades? Literally decades. How many? Two? Since that old black guy was like a middle-aged black guy.

Speaker 2 A slightly less old black guy. Fuzzy Kangles, is it newsboy or bucket? It's newsboy.
You should get fuzzy bucket Kangles. I don't know.
Those are tight. I'm trying to go bucket.

Speaker 2 I might go bucket, but then like long-sleeve ringer, Puka Shell necklace, bono sunglasses,

Speaker 2 cargoes, and airwalks.

Speaker 2 That's a look, bro. That's a look.
98 Forever, baby. That's a look, brother.
Yeah. Only take pictures of myself in a fisheye lens doing like some weird thing with my hands.

Speaker 2 Like fake hand signs with your fingers. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Everything's a neon green background. Oh, yeah.
You know, damn, dude. I remember I wanted a neon green sunfire, Pontiac sunfire.

Speaker 2 So bad, dude. Wow, that was my shit.
Yeah, dude. I want a cool cavalier.
When I was 14, dude, that's what I wanted, dude. That was in my dreams.
You know what car I used to sweat a lot? I wanted

Speaker 2 when the RSX.

Speaker 2 When the Integra. Plimmer Prowler.
Whatever the Integra. No, no, no.
The Integra.

Speaker 2 Import. Like an Accura.
The Accurate Integra. That was the RSX.

Speaker 2 That was like the next.

Speaker 2 I don't know in the fucking Japanese market what those cars are cool. The Asian kids in my high school are obsessed with the RSX.

Speaker 2 The Asian kids in high school loved Acuras and breakdancing. What about Infinities?

Speaker 2 Infinities are cool. Infinities are Japanese.
I like those.

Speaker 2 I won't walk.

Speaker 2 You can't race those, you know? They're not racing cars.

Speaker 2 Acuras are more like zippy races. You can totally race and infinity.
You can race energy.

Speaker 2 Jinx. Synergy.

Speaker 2 I actually said it before you. There's nothing synced up about it.

Speaker 2 We're on the same cycle, dude. Nice.
Never. Never in my life would I be synced up with you.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Beach ass. Copying me.
Oh, that's true. I said it before you.
Oh, you didn't. I said you could race any cards or thing and then started disagreeing with it.
Run the tape out. I'll run it back.

Speaker 2 Hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2 Changed your opinion and said the exact opposite.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying accuracies are more common street racing chorus. I'm gay, I'm Adam, it's me.

Speaker 2 And here's me saying the thing a second after you.

Speaker 2 There it is. Whoa, did you hear that? Just listen to it.
Damn. Hold on.
Let me run it back. I love technology.
Let me run it back before we were officially recording.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm very gay. I admit.

Speaker 2 Adam, don't say that. Adam.
We're about to record in five minutes. It's exactly

Speaker 2 4.25 minus 30.

Speaker 2 It's exactly 3.55.

Speaker 2 55 p.m. I don't care.
I want everyone to know I'm gay. I take that as a compliment.
Adam. Calling me gay is a compliment.

Speaker 2 Adam, what if the recorder accidentally

Speaker 2 somehow went into the past? How did somebody? Like that movie Arrival. Ooh, pretty cool.
We got like an inception thing going on.

Speaker 2 That makes this

Speaker 2 what I like to refer to as a high-concept podcast. Not today, it's Satan.

Speaker 2 Who said that about Satan? How did a gayer guy than me sneak in here?

Speaker 2 What are you doing? A bit now?

Speaker 2 All right, well, there we go. It's back to normal.

Speaker 2 We're back to the normal tape. Yeah, so Nick was right

Speaker 2 about saying whatever. Once Once again,

Speaker 2 you were listening.

Speaker 2 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 2 I feel vindicated. My eyes just lit up thinking about a way to call you gay, and I forgot everything we were talking about.
It's a compliment, guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy. Yes.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about getting into like biplanes, you know? That could be my old guy thing. Biplanes? I'm thinking about

Speaker 2 an eccentric millionaire. Nah, I could see you getting into helicopters.
No, not helicopters, biplanes.

Speaker 2 That's a lot of storage, though, bro. Yeah, I'm going to have a facility.
Where?

Speaker 2 Western PA? No,

Speaker 2 piss you guys off. I think it would piss you guys off a lot.
Something you're going to do?

Speaker 2 If I only used the metric system. Would that really piss you off? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What if I surprise you? Don't already do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is your dick even measurable enough?

Speaker 2 That's a really funny, like, hipster thing. Like, sorry, the rest of the world uses it.
We've got to think outside of our American. Well, that is what you do when you...

Speaker 2 Every time you mispronounce something on purpose, you're essentially doing that. I don't do it on purpose.

Speaker 2 No, that's like a stupid, like, you don't even know if it's ironic or not, sort of dad joke thing. No, I don't do that.
You said lever earlier. That's

Speaker 2 a lot of people call them lever. No, it's lever, you fucking idiot.
My parents are from another country. Okay, so illegal.
They pronounce words differently. Fuck you, mine are more than yours.

Speaker 2 I was raised in another country, and I had a different accent for a while when I was a child. I had an accent going into fucking pre-K, bitch.
Okay,

Speaker 2 I had an accent going into kindergarten. I talked like a fucking South African.
South African. Yeah.
I was like, yeah, this is my mummy, and this is my diddy.

Speaker 2 And you were just pointing to other children,

Speaker 2 other boys.

Speaker 2 Diddy. We go to play house, and I am the mummy.
He put a birthday hit in my ace.

Speaker 2 The cone, and it went all the way up to the rubber band.

Speaker 2 This is so funny. Oh, please put a cone in my ace.
Dude, stop eating Stav's food. Please, thank God, finish that.
Stop can't eat it, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna get him one of those. You know those water dispensers in a hamster cage, but it's just filled with icing.

Speaker 2 What kind of icing? I don't know, that's some Betty Crocker shit.

Speaker 2 Don't do cream cheese icing. Please.
That's your weakness. Don't do that one.
Or don't do anything with hazelnut.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude, Eldis got ice cream and I've been just taking a little spoonful every night.

Speaker 2 I love your illness, dude. It's a fucking addiction.
I can't help myself, dude. We're traveling and Eldis is also fat.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Eldis is just tall, so he could

Speaker 2 be stretched out. It's so annoying.

Speaker 2 He's fat as shit. He's fat as shit.
It's so annoying how much easier it is to fuck when you're shit. And he can still wear skinny jeans.
He's like a fuck guy that wears skinny jeans.

Speaker 2 But he chooses to be. It's so funny how much you're like just a fat woman and the way you complain about your interactions with women.
You have the same exact complaints as a fat woman.

Speaker 2 Well, no, it's annoying. It's fat.

Speaker 2 These tall bitches. It is annoying how much easier it is to fuck when you're tall.
Lindy Stoff, dude. Huh? Lindy Stoff.
Yeah. You and Lindy are very similar.
Lindy East over here. Oh, damn.

Speaker 2 Lindy Eats.

Speaker 2 Don't fucking burn me by calling me Lindy East. We're going to roast you, dude.
We're going to rotisserie you. Oh, that sounds delicious.

Speaker 2 Adam's gone. Amber.
Amber, hop on the mic. Hop on the mic.
Quick, before he comes back. Yeah.
Yes. All right.

Speaker 2 Adam is off the show. Adam's off the show.
Welcome, Arnu. It doesn't matter, bitch.

Speaker 2 Help me out here. No, I helped them out here.
Fuck you, Adam. Fuck Adam.
Calling me Lindy East? And think that's going to fly? I am your defender, but right now

Speaker 2 they're on a roll. And Adam gets in trouble for it.
No, no, he said Lindy East. Yeah.
Which is

Speaker 2 the worst one.

Speaker 2 How about Lindy Waist?

Speaker 2 Waist or

Speaker 2 large waist? Like cock off. How about waistline? Yeah, it's also that.

Speaker 2 It's both of them. Okay.
Oh, no, you're not going to ask me. Actually, I that will fuck up the roll.
Don't plug it in, you motherfucker.

Speaker 2 No, they're really on a roll right now. I feel like Amber's contributing a lot to the show right now.
I agree.

Speaker 2 Why is he silencing women? Yeah, dude. Be a fucking team player.

Speaker 2 What should I do then? Just kind of hang out. You know, you can play Crash Bandicoot or something on the PS4.

Speaker 2 Look, there's another donut you can eat. Yeah, just eat the donut.
You guys know that this really hurts my feelings. No one can hear you, man.
You're off the mic.

Speaker 2 Adam, we can't hear you.

Speaker 2 He said that this hurts his feelings, guys, in a gay way, by the way, in case you were wondering. Well, I guess if I have to concede to male tears here.
Yeah. Yeah, go ahead, give him the mic back.

Speaker 2 Nick, when's the last time you cried?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Have you ever?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah.
Nick cried at the Fast and Furious

Speaker 2 At the end of Fast and Furious. Seven? No.
Paul Walker? Yeah, yeah, seven. Paul Walker.

Speaker 2 Seven was good, dude. I cried at the end of Pass in Furious Seven.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. When did I cry? I mean, not a lot.
It was just like,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The duration of the movie.

Speaker 2 Paul!

Speaker 2 Where's Paul? I forgot who it was.

Speaker 2 When I was a kid, there was some other kid telling the story about his mom being like a bitch and crying at trailers or crying at movies, and she cried at the trailer to Gladiator. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 It was like preview to gladiator. Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Dude, that shit's sad. They killed me.

Speaker 2 That used to piss me off when I'd look over at a movie and my mom was crying.

Speaker 2 My mom just falls asleep. I fucking hate that shit, dude.

Speaker 2 Shut up. I know I would, dude.
Oh, my God. I'll get mad.
I'll be like, God, dude. Damn, fucking funny.
You're so good.

Speaker 2 Totally, dude.

Speaker 2 I used to hate that shit. I cannot wait.
Damn, the poor woman that marries you, dude. Have you ever seen your father cry? I'm not going to fucking marry anybody.
You're right.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad I've never seen my father cry. You know, she's not going to be able to do that.
I've never seen my dad cry. Apparently, he cried when the dog died, but I wasn't there for it.

Speaker 2 My dad would cry every time we'd leave Greece. No, I see that all my mom's guilt

Speaker 2 for leaving.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we do cry. Greek guys suck each other's dicks to say hello.

Speaker 2 That is true. Of course, I've blown all my own.
What does this do with crying, though? You cried when Eldis cut off access to that ice cream. No, I would, though.
Yesterday, he cut off the cross.

Speaker 2 Have you been taking tiny tablespoons of my ice cream?

Speaker 2 I love that Levi. This is over.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he sort of is. He sounds like Homer.
He sounds a lot like homer. Stop, have you been taking tiny tablespoons? I'm a hype.
He doesn't know.

Speaker 2 He's going to be so upset when he sees that half a pint is missing of his vegetarian. He's going to be legitimately mad.
Yeah, from your wine spoon.

Speaker 2 Who's been eating my tablespoons?

Speaker 2 Sav, when's your last cry? Cry.

Speaker 2 Hmm. It was recent, but I can't remember why.

Speaker 2 Probably because

Speaker 2 Bobby didn't return your phone call. No, no.
That wasn't my best. I'll cry at Bobby's baby's birthday party.
I do love Max. I do love this baby.
Oh, you love Max?

Speaker 2 In case the audience isn't familiar, Stav is on a first-name basis with a baby. What's wrong with having baby friends?

Speaker 2 I like babies, man. Yeah, let's think.
Let's list off all the babies you're friends with. The one that's the son of the guy who's you're trying to get work from.

Speaker 2 Sophia. That's it.
That's the answer. No, Sophia.
That's my brother's goddaughter. Yeah, right.
What's Sophia's last name? Copa.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to tell the fucking

Speaker 2 people to look it up. You don't even know that, John.
You can't look up a baby, dude. Yes, you can.
How?

Speaker 2 The last fire.

Speaker 2 You could look up their fucking... Get that baby fired from the strip.
Yeah, get that baby fired from the strip club where the baby works. Fuck you guys.

Speaker 2 I cried for a really gay reason. You guys are welcome to make fun of me.
Let's hear it. No, let's how about let's not.
So his story just bombs. That's funny.
All right, go ahead, tell it.

Speaker 2 I was like on the train, and one of those single

Speaker 2 string Chinese violin guys was playing old Lang Zine around New Year's. And I don't know why, but I just started crying.
It was really emotional. Yeah, that's a really funny story.

Speaker 2 It's not funny, dude. I was being open with my friends.
Oh, you're being open? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like your asshole with men.

Speaker 2 Guys, I was just softening up. Stav's ignoring the show to look at historic photos on Facebook.

Speaker 2 Wow, Stav, you're on your

Speaker 2 picture of Susan B. How's it feel, boys? It feels really bad, actually.

Speaker 2 I'm looking at stuff that's important for the show. No, you're not.
You almost never, Ming. You did it first.

Speaker 2 You always thought you are. I'm not even on social media anymore.
You're on Instagram. Somehow you're DMing.
I'm DMing with the fans.

Speaker 2 I'm DMing with that guy with PTSD that has to message me all the time. Shout out Chet.
He's a good guy. Yeah, he's a good guy, but he has PTSD.
Whatever, dude. He's happy, dude.

Speaker 2 That means he's disabled and therefore an enemy of our ableist podcast. That is true.
Dude, I want to make it clear to everyone who listens to this. I fucking walk, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 I take stairs everywhere I go. I'm an able-bodied individual, and I'm proud of it.

Speaker 2 You're proud of it.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? We have-bodied

Speaker 2 handicapped pride parades. I see them wheeling these motherfuckers down the street.
I have never seen one of those. Once a year, year, we got to have the fucking handicapped pride parade.

Speaker 2 Where's the parade for people who can use their legs?

Speaker 2 Don't say that's every other parade because it's not, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there are typically a lot of amputees on

Speaker 2 day parade. People who can walk entertainment television.
Yes.

Speaker 2 A channel with just, and we got, because people would say it's fucked up. If you had a show where people were just walking around all the time, just close-up shots of knees bending the right.

Speaker 2 You'd literally go to jail. You'd be arrested if you made that show.
Channel. You know what is annoying?

Speaker 2 Just the footage of fat people walking whenever there's

Speaker 2 a lot of people. Yeah, that's the fucking huge.
Stop, you've definitely been on the bottom. It's just a huge man's ass.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 obesity is every day.

Speaker 2 These

Speaker 2 are wet.

Speaker 2 Having diarrhea in their pants, probably right now. Super parade, Steve.
They're incapable of properly wiping. My poor people, dude.

Speaker 2 I'm a fat fucking activist. Fat pride.
It's funny to think that there's like... Fat is beautiful.
There's like 11. There's 11 inches in between the end of Stav's ass and his actual asshole.

Speaker 2 And the cross section. I would say closer to six.
No, where he has to wipe that he misses all the time. I'm using

Speaker 2 that. You can't get all the sides.
You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 back him up here, Adam.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I kind of want to teach Stav a lesson here and be like, you know what, Nick, that's not nice. You know, and stick up for my friend Stav when Nick is making fun of him.
Shut up, bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be a fucking bitch-ass thing to do. All right.
No, Stav, back me up here. Yeah, I'm 100% a coward.

Speaker 2 You fat fuck.

Speaker 2 You fat-ass piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Hey, what the hell? You long ass crack motherfucker. Yeah, I do have a long ass bitch.
Just because you got a tiny little ass,

Speaker 2 you know?

Speaker 2 I fucking Stav? You got a small little crack

Speaker 2 of my body.

Speaker 2 I was looking at Randolin's pictures the other day. Oh, yeah, big ass.
Oh, yeah. Our ex-love Randolin.
And there's a comment from some guy that I got.

Speaker 2 It's the funniest fucking shit. Hold on, let me see.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What is it? What's the colour? From Johnny Morris, Beckton White 252.

Speaker 2 My wet dream came true. Oh, holy shit, god damn.

Speaker 2 I'm a bust a nut all over that. Fat, white, perfect, voluptuous, gigantic, thick, bazooka, bubble, bubble, goddess ass.
God damn, I'm horny. Just look at this thing.

Speaker 2 220% perfection baby mama.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 that wasn't enough for him. He had another comment after that.
I love you, baby. I don't give a fuck what anybody says.
220%. Keep it up.
Do your thing, baby mama. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 And then another man responds, everyone write pretty ass, love your body, and blah, blah, blah. And now just imagine how the fuck you could be able to fuck this woman.

Speaker 2 So true, dude. I always wonder, you know, when like porn stars like put them, like, a clip of them sucking dick on their Twitter? Sure.
And then they have like 2,000 retweets?

Speaker 2 Like, who's retweeting that on their page?

Speaker 2 Like, people that are really bad at life. I mean, horny, like,

Speaker 2 retarded guys. It's retarded guys.
There's a lot of yeah, there's a lot of retarded dudes that are like big fans of

Speaker 2 they just want like Lisa and sucking a dick on their page. Yeah.
They're fa you know, and it's like it's like an innocent thing. You know? They're interacting with their favorite stars.

Speaker 2 My favorite is the ones that are like, I would be good to you guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Your body is unreal.
That's definitely not a bad thing. If I was your man, I would keep a smile on my face every time I slept behind you.

Speaker 2 I can only hope that your in is just as beautiful as your outside. outside.
Besides your butt, you are very beautiful.

Speaker 2 I love these guys shooting their shots at fat ass Instagram models. This is going to work, dude.
It's going to work. She's ass is medically huge.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many followers does she have? I don't know, like a million. That's awesome.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is she doing like fucking ads and shit?

Speaker 2 No, she's going to blow.

Speaker 2 She's not going to do anything with this. You don't think she's going to be able to do it? Didn't she try to start a music career? No, she was on Tosh.
She was on Tosh. I saw that, yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn. So you would smash, Nick, huh? Oh, 1,000%.

Speaker 2 Are you kidding, Rashid? Have you seen her ass?

Speaker 2 How could you not? I don't understand how you could not.

Speaker 2 It's all poses, dude. If you saw her just wearing sweats at Target, she would not look hot.

Speaker 2 It's like she's like naked and like making her ass look good, but she's just like looks like any lady in suburban America. No,

Speaker 2 what are you talking about? Her ass is like. I think it would be like a geometry issue to get your ass, your dick in the dick in

Speaker 2 the pussy. Yeah, but you couldn't butt fuck her easily, dude.
Those fat ass cheeks will droop down. Did the doctors figure out what's wrong yet?

Speaker 2 I'd crush them cheeks,

Speaker 2 wink face, and then the dice.

Speaker 2 The dice.

Speaker 2 The dice emoji. Hit me up with a follow.
I'm gambling.

Speaker 2 I'm gambling. I might get herpes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Question. How do you not have a big belly?

Speaker 2 So true.

Speaker 2 When's the last time you

Speaker 2 pulled the dice? Your friend Dank Lord. Can we fuck please Wilson dick pic?

Speaker 2 Can I fuck you from behind as I fuck your ass crack?

Speaker 2 The old

Speaker 2 out of mud. There we go.
The hot dog in the middle. Here's a good one.
Go on Come Town and fuck Nick Mullen.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who said it? And then the emojis are the wrench, the train,

Speaker 2 the eggplant, the squirting, and then the wink. I love it.
Who said it? Shout him out.

Speaker 2 HMLM 2020. Shout out to

Speaker 2 HMLM. 69420.
Yeah, dude. If you guys, if you could also get my beautiful wife, Julia Vins, to come on the podcast.
Yes. Ignored my research.
Does she speak English?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she speaks English pretty well. Unless somebody is in the world.
She lives in the States or she lives in Russia. In Russia.
Yeah. We'll get her over school.

Speaker 2 Well, no, we can't see her now now because of. Oh, sorry, guys.
I want Julia to beat me to death.

Speaker 2 I want Julia to strangle me to death. Have you ever seen like muscle girls for looking at her?

Speaker 2 I want to accidentally look at Julia on the train and then have her, you know, say, I must crush you, and then break my, just wring my neck and

Speaker 2 just murder me in front of everyone on the train. I saw, like, a female tear my face off with her

Speaker 2 rippling deltoids. I saw a female bodybuilder porn once and motionless the entire time.
The way that that her weird fucking doll face not breaking eye contact, not a single twitch.

Speaker 2 And then she does have like a slasty girl turns her head back to the rest of the train where her eyes move first and then her head catches off.

Speaker 2 Would you fuck her like bicep like between like if she like folded her arm down? First of all, it's not what I wouldn't, there would be no consent on my part.

Speaker 2 So you're having rape fantasy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that what it is? But the good kind.

Speaker 2 I mean, you can fantasize and not want to. That's a fetish.
That's an accepted fetish. Sure.
You want to get. No, yeah, I don't know.
She does have a pretty face, though.

Speaker 2 She looks like a 16-year-old.

Speaker 2 She looks like she's 20, and she is. Is she 20? Yeah.
She's like 20, 21. How much can she.
So you find 16-year-olds very acutely. I don't know, like out of 600 pounds, 500, 600 pounds.
600 pounds?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she has like huge numbers.

Speaker 2 600 pounds? Dude, she's jacked. Have you seen that?

Speaker 2 I've seen the picture. She looks like Shun Lee thighs.
She is. She looks like a fucking Photoshop.
Yeah. I think Russian teens, though, get put on like HGH and shit.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because there's like Russian teen bodybuilders that look like they're fucking almost 30 years old. Right.
Yeah. Yo, speaking of that age your face? Hard thought.

Speaker 2 Well, you get, if you're on HGH, you can get, what is it, acromegaly,

Speaker 2 which is the growth. It's like.

Speaker 2 It usually happens if you have a pituitary tumor.

Speaker 2 Which, you know, like all the super tall people have it, like Yao Ming has it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tony Robbins probably. My sister was on HG.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but she wasn't.

Speaker 2 She had a pituitary deficiency. Yeah.
She had a pituitary tumor that causes it.

Speaker 2 Like the amount of HGH they give you if you have a growth deficiency doesn't match the amount of GH that would be in your body if you had like some fucked up thing happen or pituitary gland.

Speaker 2 So acromegaly makes your hands enormous and your jaw real big. Like Tony Robbins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's giganticism, right?

Speaker 2 Concentrated jaw? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What about your hard cock? No, sorry, Stop. There's never going to be a cure.
Damn it. There's never going to be a way to fix your disease.

Speaker 2 First of all, my penis is fine, but I'd like to, you know, clump it up around. It's fine, it's just ugly.
It is, first of all, it is not. If anything, it's aesthetically beautiful.
It's nice looking.

Speaker 2 It's aesthetically beautiful. Yeah, it's pretty fucking terrible.
It's not aesthetic. It almost ruined my 4th of July a couple years ago.
Oh, yeah, that's right. And they came and helped me do

Speaker 2 me do a fucking boomerang with my dick out. I like to imagine this guy's British.
Sexy big bottom you have, my dear.

Speaker 2 That's a good skin tone, my dick.

Speaker 2 Your dick is like red, right? They're all looking. Yeah, women really like that.
They like a red dick color palette. It's not red.
It's darker, though. It's olive, baby.
Yes. It's olive?

Speaker 2 Yeah, if anybody wants a little Mediterranean dick.

Speaker 2 If anybody wants to suck my little Mediterranean pinky, I started calling my dick my pinky.

Speaker 2 Suck my pinky, Adam.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Anyway, what was I going to say? I feel like we were talking about something.
No. Oh, yeah.
When did you raw dog last, and it was a mistake, Adam? What do you mean? It was a mistake.

Speaker 2 Like, it was a fucking. Why would it be a mistake? Because you're caught up in the moment.
Oh, because you get a STD? Is that what you mean? Well, you know. You're pregnant.
You rolled the dice.

Speaker 2 I've gotten someone pregnant before.

Speaker 2 I know that, yeah. You got to go plan B, dude.
How many

Speaker 2 men have gotten you pregnant, Adam?

Speaker 2 It's not possible.

Speaker 2 You know, but the first part of pregnancy. What are you talking about? You know the first part.

Speaker 2 Isn't that what gay guys call certain

Speaker 2 things? Don't gay guys call barebacking breeding?

Speaker 2 I just think it's called cream pieing. Cream pie? What is cream pie, technically? It's when you come in

Speaker 2 and it goes out. Yeah, and it comes out.
I mean, just coming in it is cream cream pieing. Yeah.
This is what Adam says that would look like any other woman in the mall. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You're out of your fucking mind, Herbert.

Speaker 2 Her ass is so weird. No, it's not weird.
Yeah, it is weird, dude. It's weird, dude.
It's not weird. It's like you put two different people together.
You guys just don't understand extremes.

Speaker 2 This is why you never had it in you to be real alcoholics. That's true.
I don't have a food addiction. And whatever Amber's eating looks delicious, whatever cheese that is.
Fuck.

Speaker 2 It's literally a cracker. Oh, that looks delicious.
No, there's some kind of good cheese. I can tell.
Thank you. That looks nice.
A soft cheese.

Speaker 2 I would love. First of all, I love cheese.
Ew, dude, that's not hot. It is.

Speaker 2 It looks like her ass is melting into the floor.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting. I don't know.
That shit rolls. You know what I do find hot, though? The comments, dude.
Good God damn.

Speaker 2 I mean, crazy. I like a nice watermelon thick.
Her butt, a bean bag. You know?

Speaker 2 Some powerful thighs you see those vids in the in the like buff girl porn videos they fuck the biceps they like the guys that i don't want to fuck up they make the girl they make a nice bend her arm back and then they fuck her between her forearm and her biceps what is that's crazy that's like the what the fetish is is that dudes are in that are into that they just want to fuck like power yeah yeah they just want to fuck an arm they just want to fuck a powerful arm yeah i mean i'm not into that no i want i want to fuck soft things i clicked on the vid though.

Speaker 2 I don't want to fuck hard things. I like softs.
Would you fuck the

Speaker 2 3D woman from

Speaker 2 Total Recall?

Speaker 2 That's what Randolph is. No.
She's got more ass. No.

Speaker 2 It'd be like if she had three ass cheeks. That's the comp.

Speaker 2 No, I would not be into three ass cheeks. Her ass.
But I'm really big. I'm saying that's the same thing.
There are so many fucking suburban ass moms at fucking Walmart. You're both shit.

Speaker 2 You're out of your fucking shit that look like that. Niggas wrong.
I don't want to fuck as much. And wrong about this theory.
No people look like that.

Speaker 2 People have huge asses. Dude, but her daddy's not going to be able to do it.
We just live in New York where people are like, don't have that big asses. You're just mad because I'm actually being

Speaker 2 body positive and not just being horny.

Speaker 2 I think you're being horny.

Speaker 2 I'm being horny, but I'm reserving my horniness for a special case when it's based on principle. Absolutely not.
No, it's called a very principled type of horny positive. Absolutely not.

Speaker 2 It's a weird thing. It's called

Speaker 2 you fucking idiot. This is what this is called textbook weird horniness.

Speaker 2 Where it's like you just want to fuck something so strange and you can't help it. It's just yeah, you want to fuck a tumor, literally.
No, not okay, first of all, Julia, not a tumor.

Speaker 2 Julia's very strong. Yeah, exactly.
That makes sense. You want to fuck something strong or disgusting.
He's randomly.

Speaker 2 So you admit it. He admits it.
I admit that it's disgusting. I don't admit that it's not attractive.

Speaker 2 Sure. The two aren't mutually excusable.
I like a nice trashy gal every once in a while.

Speaker 2 Well, it's like, have you ever felt big tits before? Kind of like a nice pot-bellied woman. Looks like she got kits.

Speaker 2 Have you felt like a belly? I feel like a belly, but not a pot belly. Yeah, kicked out of the navy for drinking.

Speaker 2 Those types of gals.

Speaker 2 Yo, one of the women that was fighting in the UFC yesterday straight up looked like Bobby Kennedy. It was awesome.
She just had a face like Kennedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had like a fucking shit.

Speaker 2 Yo, shouts out to

Speaker 2 the Getting Shot to Death crew. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Killed.

Speaker 2 Robert Kennedy? Both Robert and Jeff Kennedy. I thought JFK was Jeff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you remember Jeff Kennedy, JF Kennedy,

Speaker 2 Kennedy, the libertarian lady.

Speaker 2 Is she libertarian or she just goes on Fox News? I think it's a libertarian show. No, she has a show on Fox News.
She has a show? She should be on MTV. The show is called Kennedy.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't have cable.
Yeah, you only watch Rachel Maddow.

Speaker 2 Your source.

Speaker 2 I watched Human Being You Were Cloned from. I watched that from personal.
For personal remember that taxes shit? Where she was like, I have his taxes. What is dumb?

Speaker 2 And it was like a page from this taxes in the middle. The smoking gun is a fucking tax return that was clearly planted by someone from the White House.
She keeps catching L's.

Speaker 2 Like, it's the last six months. The Russia shit, she keeps fucking up.
Yeah. And now it is the most highly rated

Speaker 2 prime time

Speaker 2 news show on cable news. She's probably going to get taken down for being sexually aggressive towards some other woman.
I think she's in a relationship. There we go.
No, she's too powerful.

Speaker 2 Powerful people can't help but be fucking horny. Amber Calf, some of that?

Speaker 2 You don't want to fucking. Yeah, stop trying to eat cheese.
That looks good, dude. Cheese looks good.

Speaker 2 You're like a big rat.

Speaker 2 I'd accept that. Like a big, fat, overweight rat pulling your whiskers.
We got it when you said big. You have to explain.
You're always late for something. That's not what rats do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now you're just throwing other animals. You need to eat more of that cracker.
I'm late for my appointment. What kind of appointment? With the, I don't know, at the eating place.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Woo! That's a good bit. That's almost as good as just calling Adam a clown.
It's a good bit. Damn, we're really.

Speaker 2 This is the new era, dude. We're back to basics.

Speaker 2 None of these funny, smart jokes. I mean, I had a good one on the last one, I feel.
Probably somewhere in there, I said something clever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Now I'm back to sorry, but I got high last night and then this morning, so I'm not on.

Speaker 2 I can't stop laughing about the idea of a bunch of old black women sitting around watching local news, and there's a story about a little boy that's missing, and then one of them says,

Speaker 2 Mm,

Speaker 2 somebody suck that boy dick.

Speaker 2 She's just fanning herself, and they're They're all just

Speaker 2 that little boy die, got fucked. That poor child.

Speaker 2 That baby got his little penis. That baby.

Speaker 2 Somebody die. Suck that boy dick.
And suck the baby dick.

Speaker 2 I don't know why. That's so funny to me.
I love it. It's an image immediately in my head.
Yeah, I've been saying it over and over again for like two days now.

Speaker 2 I can't.

Speaker 2 It's in one of those churches in Baltimore that was just an abandoned building.

Speaker 2 Somebody sucked that boy dick.

Speaker 2 Somebody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's the black. It's in that church that Junior wanders into.
Remember in the Sopranos where Junior has that fucking

Speaker 2 medical

Speaker 2 and he goes to the old fucking building and it's a black church now. Yeah, I mean senile.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Good old June.
Good old Uncle June. Which, by the way, you went to see fucking sing twice.
We can go. We can go.
No, man. It's every Friday morning.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny is you got that picture of you being an asshole to him. Oh, yeah, he hated talking to me.
Of course, he hated talking to him. He was rude.

Speaker 2 And it's like, yeah, you know, he's an asshole.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's an asshole.

Speaker 2 Oh, doing something for conference. Dumbass is going to go laugh at the rules.
No, I asked him if I could post it. Aging old man.
I showed it to him and I asked him if I could post it. He said, yeah.

Speaker 2 He said it was funny. Doesn't mean it's not rude.
He didn't say it was funny. No, he told me he has tremendous respect for my work.

Speaker 2 He did not say that. He did say it.
He didn't ask him. And I quote.
He thought you were Rachel Maddow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Miss Maddow, I have tremendous respect for your work. No, no, he was chill.
I told him I came from Brooklyn to see the show, and he was like, he appreciated it. No, he didn't.
I want to be good, man.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? We talked about this three years ago. Do you remember? It wasn't three years ago.
It was. No.
Before I moved, motherfucker. It was about a year ago.

Speaker 2 It was before you were 30 years old. Before you were 30 years old, I can't remember anything from before.

Speaker 2 A 30-year-old man that goes around doing goof-em-ups on Instagram with aging Sopranos actors. They're going to go harass some senior citizen.
Oh, yeah. Who knows?

Speaker 2 You're not harassing anyone really pro-Trump is Johnny Sack.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? On Twitter, yeah, yeah. He loves Trump.
So is Sylvester Stallone's brother. Frank? Yeah, I follow him on Instagram.
The point is, you betrayed me by going twice, dude. That's fucked up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. That's fucked up.
We talked about it years ago, and I was so excited.

Speaker 2 Not an invite anywhere. Well, we control my monster,

Speaker 2 and it looks weird.

Speaker 2 It looks fine. It came up off the top of my lip, and now it looks weird.
It It looks fine. Yeah, you look fine, dude.
Just shave it off, dude. Do something new.
Do something new, dude.

Speaker 2 I got to have the mustache, man. Grow your hair all the way out.
It is all the way out. No, I get shoulder length.
That would be cool. That would be cool.
With a bob. Yeah, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 That's like French girl bobs.

Speaker 2 I got a bob. That's that picture that I post all the time, is when I got a bob.
Yeah, but do it better, dude. If you get a bob, your hair just grew out for a while.
No, I got a bob.

Speaker 2 You went to a haircut place and said, cut my hair in a bob. No, I said that.
So, no, you didn't get a Bob. I had long hair, and I said,

Speaker 2 can you cut it off my shoulders? So he cut the back part, and the front part was still long. So you did it? And it became a Bob.
That's a different colour. It was a Bob.
So you got a haircut.

Speaker 2 Look at a picture that's not a bob of that haircut. It was a Bob.
It was a Bob, baby. 100% it was a Bob.
Bob's more symmetrical than that. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Speaker 2 You do, motherfucker. Oh, okay.
Oh, Saab sits at home googling hair.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if anyone thinks about hair, it's me, motherfuckers. I think about what I would look like with every haircut there ever was.
Every day of my life, I wish I could have.

Speaker 2 If you could have hair back, but the only type of hair you could have is a Jerry Curl. 100%.
Are you out of your fucking mind? Forever. Yes.
You can never end the jerry. You can't shave your head.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're stuck permanently with a jerry curl. You're absolutely out of your hair.
Yeah, why wouldn't he do that? Anything's better than that.

Speaker 2 Because you would look, I mean, you already look like a rapist, but you would really look like a rapist with a Jerry Curl.

Speaker 2 You would not be getting laid if you had a Jerry Curl. Bro, no one would interpret it as a funny bit.
If you had a Jerry

Speaker 2 and I could pull off a Jerry Curl, come on.

Speaker 2 Who among us could pull off a Jerry Curl, bro?

Speaker 2 What if, just for fashion, you wore judges' wigs? I would do that. That would be pretty cool.
I'll throw on wigs.

Speaker 2 And then you have like a big-ass lollipop. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A little sailor's outfit.

Speaker 2 And you tied a bow around your neck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You would look so bad. I would look incredible, motherfucker.
You'd look like a labber dude.

Speaker 2 I would get fucking gold chains.

Speaker 2 I would look like fucking Eurotrash.

Speaker 2 You would be like, oh, that fucked up dog is having trouble breathing. First of all, that sounds adorable.
A fucking Labradoodle Bulldog. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for that compliment.

Speaker 2 Bulldyke, is that what those are called? Hey, dude.

Speaker 2 Bulladougal.

Speaker 2 A Belugle Dougal. Bullago Belugal.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, she's a belugal, so she likes to shit in the car.

Speaker 2 That's the thing that's specific to their breed.

Speaker 2 Dog, I'm getting a fucking Jerry Curl, a fucking gold, bigger hoop earring, better than Adam's, a gold tooth, and chains, and I'll look like just Euro Travis.

Speaker 2 Once this heals, I'm going to get gold, rose gold, a stud? Hoop. I'm having my entire body removed and replaced with PlayStation VR.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get fucking uploaded. Nick is only going to fucking exist in the cloud.

Speaker 2 Honestly, that is your fucking destiny. I would love that shit, dude.
If I could just become a virus.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, dude. I hope that happens by the time you do.
What happened to Nick dude? He's fucking malware now. He's malware, dude.
He's the human, the human fucking person.

Speaker 2 I don't have a dick anymore, but the trade-off is I can speak Russian.

Speaker 2 Would you trade your dick for Russian? Another one of my hypotheticals, boys. That's the good thing.

Speaker 2 Tommy Pope posted the lineup of our unrepped showcase when we were in Montreal fucking five years ago or whatever. And look at this headshot.

Speaker 2 It didn't even look like me at the time. Oh my god, you look

Speaker 2 gay. You look like a fucking college wrestler.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You look like you were sucked off by the side. Oh, I've seen that foxhot before.

Speaker 2 Yeah, your neck looks weirdly strong. Who else was on? I used to be pretty jacked back then.
Who else was on you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to see who was on that lineup. Yeah, it doesn't look like you.

Speaker 2 It doesn't look bad. That was my old headshot.
Yeah, you look like

Speaker 2 a high school wrestler.

Speaker 2 I just said.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Adam is in one ear, out the mouth. I know.
With this guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up. Oh, Steve Steedland.
Is that your new strategy? It's just saying that you know that you did it? That's not true, dude. Nick does the Gary Shandling bit once every episode.

Speaker 2 Which one do you think? And takes full credit for it.

Speaker 2 I've never even seen it. I don't even know who Gary Shandling is.
Shut the fuck up. I literally don't know who you're talking to.

Speaker 2 So you're just making some shit up.

Speaker 2 I'm literally watching Gary Shadley and Ricky Gervais interview. I was watching Charlie bit my finger when you got it.
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Walk in and you go, oh, is this Charlie Bit My Finger? Yeah, he bites his finger and completely spoils it forever. We didn't know what the fuck was going to happen.

Speaker 2 You didn't know what was going to happen. You had to show off all the homework you did before you came over here by having some film rap.
Oh, oh, yeah, I already saw this.

Speaker 2 Have you seen it with the commentary by Aang Lee? It's great. Oh, it's great.
Oh, it's one of the best things. Have you ever directed that? Here's Adam's movie opinion.

Speaker 2 Mention anything in the Criterion Collection. Oh, it's great.
It's the greatest movie I've ever seen. That's not true.
That's 100%. Which ones don't you like? Armageddon?

Speaker 2 It's in the Criterion Collection? It is.

Speaker 2 Yes, it is. Yeah, it is.
It's spy number 40, I think. Nah, yeah.
Why is it in the Criterion Collection? Because it is like. It's a good movie.
Because the Criterion Collection is about

Speaker 2 movies that define a genre.

Speaker 2 So that's a disaster movie? Well, Armageddon is the peak Michael Bay, big budget. budgets.

Speaker 2 Which really defines the 90s in terms of those blockbuster movies as movies where they say fuck you to the idea of hiring like a consultant.

Speaker 2 Part of the reason, and Amber's going to roll her eyes because I was just bitching about Arrival last night. Oh, but for like half a day.
A while, dude.

Speaker 2 I was pretty fucking mad because I thought Arrival was fucking terrible. And I watched Passengers last night, which critics hated.
Which Passengers, the one with Jody Foster? No. No, stop.

Speaker 2 What's the one where Jodi Foster does a fucking

Speaker 2 alien? You're thinking of taxi drivers.

Speaker 2 Wait, what is that movie? I haven't seen it.

Speaker 2 So, Passengers is Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence, but there was buzz about it two years ago because that was the movie that came, or it was a greenlit right after Jennifer Lawrence's like women don't get paid enough in Hollywood thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so she got 20 million for that movie as opposed to Chris Pratt's 13 million or whatever it was for a sci-fi romance movie, which is like was it Dennis Villenu, the same?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, it was some other guy uh uh dennis did arrival and he's doing the new uh fucking

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 the uh blade running yeah yeah um i think he's good though i don't he didn't write a rival did he i think he's good too but the problems i had with arrival you made sicario too the problems i had with arrival the same problems i had with inception is that it's not actually a smart movie i never saw there's plenty of plot holes if you want to fucking nitpick the way people will nitpick about other movies that don't try to be smart but are just trying to fucking entertain you.

Speaker 2 Like Armageddon, you're saying. Like

Speaker 2 Armageddon, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 But Armageddon was a different kind. Like a rival, they're like, okay, we're going to make this, like, what if a linguist actually did interact with these fucking aliens?

Speaker 2 Like the 90s, the thought process was like, oh, yeah, we're not going to hire consultants because they're not good storytellers. So we don't give a shit how this actually works.

Speaker 2 What would be a badass movie? Oh, yeah, we're going to take oil rig guys and teach them how to become astronauts. And it's like

Speaker 2 such a fuck you to reality just for this dumb setup. Yeah.
But it still ends up being like a pretty entertaining movie.

Speaker 2 If Armageddon came on now, I would sit down and watch it just because I know it's a big, loud piece of shit. And it costs a lot of money.
Yeah, and it costs a lot of money.

Speaker 2 I fuck with that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I agree with you.

Speaker 2 I think that the 90s were also a time for like a lot of disaster movies, right? That was like the hot thing. No, no, Deep Impact.
Armageddon.

Speaker 2 Dante's Peak, Volcano.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are the other ones? There's fucking

Speaker 2 whatever. I don't know.
Who cares? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that's why it was in the Criterion Collection. Probably.
Something like that. I guess.
What I'm saying is they should put passengers in the.

Speaker 2 So you liked passengers? I thought it was much better than people gave it credit for. It's not good by any means.

Speaker 2 Who made it? I don't know. You keep fucking asking me that.
I don't know. I forgot that I asked you.

Speaker 2 Bitch.

Speaker 2 He's the bitch. I'm not the bitch.
No, it's you. I am not the bitch.
Uh-oh. Nick's the bitch.
I'm not the bitch. No, it's you.
Absolutely the bitch. Why am I the bitch?

Speaker 2 I will fucking cut your mic so goddamn fast. And give it back to Amber.

Speaker 2 Why? We're going to give your mic to Phyllis, the shittiest of the cats.

Speaker 2 Why would you do it? The one with no personality. That's who's getting the mic.
She has a personality. She's a shitty person.

Speaker 2 She knows how to use the bathroom and doesn't throw up, but she doesn't have a personality. She's a feminazi.
Ernest's personality is just being a fat guy, though. Ernest is just old and disabled.

Speaker 2 Yep. What a good cat.
And his ears scabbed up because they're all fucked up.

Speaker 2 Was he getting in fights?

Speaker 2 No, he liked shoes on his ears or some shit. Ah, he can't fit his fucking hair left on his ears, so he gets sunburned all the way.
He gets sunburned on his ears. He just sleeps at that window.

Speaker 2 A and D, that's the shit I put on my balls.

Speaker 2 Stop literally gets diaper rash. I know.
I brought that up. I got in front of the story.

Speaker 2 Like Scaramucci. Right, guys? Did he get the mooch story? Did he, like, before he was

Speaker 2 appointed? He told everybody, listen, I'm Italian, by the way, before anyone tries to reveal that negative secret about me.

Speaker 2 I would never call him Italian.

Speaker 2 So now you got to move, Adam. What are you going to do? I have to move, dude.
I got to go. Alright.

Speaker 2 I'm not moving furniture.

Speaker 2 I'm just emptying my bedroom out to give to my sister.

Speaker 2 I'm leaving all the furniture in my bedroom for you. Oh, you got that.
Yeah, you just got to pack like three dresses. Yeah, but I'm trying to organize my life, get rid of clothes that I don't wear.

Speaker 2 That's what I did yesterday. Yeah.
All of your male-presenting clothes. You got to get rid of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wear more of these. You just keep the unisex stuff for longer for the next three months.
All your Thomas, the tank engine dresses.

Speaker 2 How would you guys feel if I only used the metric system and exclusively wore karate geese? Would you think that's cool? Yeah, that sounds hilarious. The metric system thing is actually realistic.

Speaker 2 Wearing karate. What was that thing we were joking about about the guys on the varsity karate team? Yeah, varsity karate karate.
Yeah, I'm varsity karate. Four years.

Speaker 2 Just walking around with like Letterman jackets, but then like no shoes on in between classes.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, yeah, everybody wanted to be like the varsity karate guys.

Speaker 2 It's like a Friday Night Lights with

Speaker 2 Karate.

Speaker 2 That's so fucking dumb.

Speaker 2 If there was a karate team, it would be fun. It's better than any sketch you've ever come up with.
Nah, dude. What about the one where Ben Franklin fucks? Yeah, that's hilarious.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 He did that in real life.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. Let's pick a guy and then make him horny.
That's a good

Speaker 2 idea. Thank you for a sketch.
You're not making him horny. He already was horny.
Yeah, it's called heightening. All right? Heightening? You're heightening the reality.

Speaker 2 Maybe you're familiar with it. Should I do those teeth whitening strips? Yeah, I'm going to do their asshole.
I want to do that soon. That's a Brandon Walsh bit.
bit. Is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just stole that from Brandon Walsh. Fuck, I'm sitting too close to Adam.
I don't think that he stole it. Adam's quietly whispering other people's bits at all times.

Speaker 2 He's in bed, like, why don't they make the whole box plane out of the black box?

Speaker 2 What if you put

Speaker 2 Chris White strips on your asshole?

Speaker 2 What if

Speaker 2 the deal with Ovalteen? Oh, yeah, the Ovalteen. That is a classic bit.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 this one was a pretty good app. This one was a really good app.

Speaker 2 One more slamming bit. Okay.
Okay. Let's riff one out.
I don't care if we need to sit here in silence for the next 15 minutes

Speaker 2 until I think of it.

Speaker 2 I made a promise to myself. Let me look through my phone.
And to uphold and defend

Speaker 2 the rights and the privileges and the freedoms of the men.

Speaker 2 That is a credo I've adopted from the uniformed men and women of the combat proud services of the United States Uniform Tactical Combat Units. Who let John Cena in here? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 That is the best video that's ever just.

Speaker 2 I went back and watched that video. You got it pretty much spot on when you did it on the podcast.
I thought you were just riffing. No, that's exactly what he said.

Speaker 2 And that is a credo that I have adopted from the men and women of the U.S. Armed Forces.
And I'm proud to say that we have compromised to a permanent end. I compromised to a permanent end.
That's so

Speaker 2 binladed. That's awesome.
Yeah, and then it cuts to those people that are like confused. They're like, don't know.

Speaker 2 And then he salutes at the end. Yeah, he salutes.
He salutes. No shirt.
All right, let's think of it. No shirt, no shoes, no Osama.
Let's think of the next great American bit.

Speaker 2 All right, here we go.

Speaker 2 How about like a Mucine X monster? It's like a Mucine X commercial. Yeah.
And so it's like

Speaker 2 a white, maybe white or brown version of the Mucine X monster. And he's like, hey, I'm moving in here.
And then, you know, it's like the wife Mucus is there, and she's like,

Speaker 2 You know, you're making too much noise already. And then he's like, You know, nah, this is where I live.
He's like, getting comfortable and like scratching at the walls.

Speaker 2 And then it's like,

Speaker 2 you know, you think it's the Musinex guy, but he's like, Yeah, I'm John McCain's brain tumor.

Speaker 2 It's like a

Speaker 2 political bit, yeah. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, he's like,

Speaker 2 I think that's, I think we got it. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And then the brain tumor is like, I hate poor people.

Speaker 2 Fuck healthcare.

Speaker 2 Quesadiche. Yes.
Quesadiche. That should do it, boys.

Speaker 2 Quesadilla.

Speaker 2 And he's saying quesadilla for some reason.

Speaker 2 The brain tumor of John McCain is then like, I can really go for a quesadilla. He is an Italian.
Oh, it's an Italian brain tumor.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen a Mucinex? Yeah, it's a Mucinex booger or something. Piece of mucus.
How about Wallace and Grommet? Grommet, but they're both John McCain's brains. Oh.

Speaker 2 Whoa, and they go to the moon? Yeah. Yes.
Oh, cool.

Speaker 2 All right. John McCain went to the moon.
Did he? Yeah, he won Vietnam. He went to the moon.
Yeah, that's how bad he was at flying. Yeah.
He was supposed to be in Vietnam.

Speaker 2 He went to the moon of the goddamn moon. I like people that don't get captured.
What a fucking. That does rule.
It is fucking hilarious. Well, I don't know.
Well, he's a hero because he got captured.

Speaker 2 Personally, I like people that don't get captured he was just

Speaker 2 date raping people on yachts during

Speaker 2 no that's like yeah there's a donald trump quote where he's like uh he's like he's like my version of like ptsd is all the pussy i got or something he's like i should get yeah like va benefits for like the scds i probably got from all the pussy

Speaker 2 some quote like that i can't remember oh man that fucking rocks dude he was right on iraq he was right on the vietnam war yeah he keeps getting it right he's right about this trans in the military thing.

Speaker 2 You know, when he's right, when he's right, he's right.

Speaker 2 You know? Yeah, I don't know about that. It's too distracting.

Speaker 2 You don't know about that, honey. I disagree.
I'm tired of this idea that being a draft dodger is a bad thing.

Speaker 2 Why are you dinging Trump on that? I agree, dude.

Speaker 2 Why should we attack him for not fighting in a stupid war in America? Right, exactly. I agree.
Oh, there's a ton of damage. That's what I was just saying.
That's what I was saying before that.

Speaker 2 No, actually, I agree. I said that before you.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I want to suck a man's cock.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 All right. I have to move on my best podcast app.
I got to move. This is our 25th episode, by the way.
It's the 25th episode specific. Someone said we're coming up on 69.
What? Yeah. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 No, we've had way more than that. I'm talking about on the podcast app on the

Speaker 2 count. Yeah, but I lost count at one point, so it dropped off like 15 numbers.
They're numbered. No, it's numbered next to each other.
I messed up and I did it wrong. No, it's the iTunes numbers.

Speaker 2 I don't think it does numbers. No, you didn't.
Yes, I do. I really don't think it does.
You used to put it in the titles, but it actually numbers in iTunes. I'm going to look right now.
Look it up.

Speaker 2 My name's not in the show description, by the way. Just in case you're confused.
First of all, your name will never be attached to the show.

Speaker 2 Okay, great. Great.
Great. I appreciate that.

Speaker 2 It looks like we're on 62. We're on 62 because it's numbered.
Thank you. But we've already done more than that.
Ooh, big surprise. Adam loves counting.
A new type of homework for him to do.

Speaker 2 To show everyone how smart he is. Guys, I have to move.
My counting. I literally have to go home and move.
All right, fine. I have to be out of here.
Well, guys, where's he moving to? The circus?

Speaker 2 Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Gotta pack up your tiny little cocktail. You gotta get your tiny hat and your flower that shoots seltzer, and you're gonna fucking move into a goddamn

Speaker 2 movie. What? A circle that's on fire?

Speaker 2 That's on fire. Don't forget yours.

Speaker 2 Your pies and with shaving cream. Yeah.
With a stupid flower on your head. Don't forget that shit, bitch.
Guess I really have to move.

Speaker 2 Your red nose.

Speaker 2 Yeah, nice big pants. You feel like that.
Fucking little thing that goes on gong.

Speaker 2 A little aruga or whatever.