Ep. 53 – Adam’s Fault

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Speaker 2 okay the title of this episode is elephant in the room

Speaker 2 oh god and uh it's about stop hey what though that good that's a turn that's a turn yeah because we were all expecting it to be about me yeah uh so we had to uh adam lied on twitter and said the recorder messed up.

Speaker 2 No, it didn't. The truth is, we had to just not upload the last episode

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 it was censored. This is so much.
This is so counterproductive now. This is so much worse.
You told me to do this. This is so much worse than just releasing it.

Speaker 2 He's going to get harassed now and called a bitch for censoring the episode.

Speaker 2 I didn't censor it. The government did.
Yeah. We got

Speaker 2 a note from the FCC. The fuck cocksuck.

Speaker 2 Fuck cocksuck fund.

Speaker 2 Well, it's the Friedland Censorship Corporation. That's good.
Which is actually a bank owned by Adam's dad. And

Speaker 2 they got it.

Speaker 2 Some things came up about Adam's grandfather.

Speaker 2 Some of the stuff he did during the war. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We don't have everyone's consent to talk about it. Basically, the problem was Adam's grandfather ran a little side business in Auschwitz where

Speaker 2 the women that survived the showers were basically up to the highest bidder

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 he wasn't in Auschwitz like the dolomite of Birkenau he was like the dole is all of Birkenau

Speaker 2 Dolomite ruled yeah yeah

Speaker 2 you know fucking black spool I fucking is that okay did I say too much

Speaker 2 about the

Speaker 2 the crimes that you made up my grandfather doing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, that's not. I mean, you have to address the fact that the other episode had to,

Speaker 2 you know, we had to scrap it. Because people are going to find out, you know? Wait, how would they find out? Look.
Well, they.

Speaker 2 Amber just called Nick a bad person, a bad friend, and she's actually pretty right about that.

Speaker 2 She's quite right about that.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. You decided to bring up the grandfather rape conversation.

Speaker 2 I didn't decide to bring that up, but continue. I don't care.

Speaker 2 I don't care. Keep both of these because one day there'll be good bonus content.
I feel. No, this one's going out, guys.
We're not doing two episodes scrapped in a row. You can say anything about me.

Speaker 2 And we're my family.

Speaker 2 This is going out. You're gay, you little dick.
Yeah. I mean, that was gay.

Speaker 2 It wasn't even.

Speaker 2 It wasn't even the episode. It was that you were in a bad mood about it.

Speaker 2 Maybe you should listen to it. I had a lot of.

Speaker 2 I don't listen to Cometown. Maybe you should listen to it and see if it's bad.
I listened to one, actually, recently.

Speaker 2 We're not doing this. We're not going to talk about us listening to our podcast on our podcast.

Speaker 2 That's all I'm going to say. It was great.
You did a little cocaine yesterday and you feel bad? No.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I've been taking Adderall recently, and I feel a little on edge sometimes. I feel like I'm kind of on comfort.
I can't do that. Adderall is way more powerful.

Speaker 2 You didn't mean

Speaker 2 Cadbury or all? Cadbury, Adderall.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But maybe

Speaker 2 Faderol. Are you not as hungry all the time, though? I'm not, dude.
I'm abusing drugs to get slim for the winter, summer. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I am, I'm lightheaded always.

Speaker 2 My doctor. Do your fingertips tingle on Adderall? Like, I can't feel my fingertips a lot of the time when I'm on Adderall.
No, they don't. It's gross.
I haven't done it in years.

Speaker 2 I did in college. Yeah, I did in college to literally stay up and play GameCube longer.
I snorted Adderall to get high with all my boys. Nice.
Like GameCube. I love playing GameCube

Speaker 2 in college a lot.

Speaker 2 I was roommates with like a rich kid, and he had one of those therapists that would just write it, like drug dealer therapist. That rules.
Yeah, yeah. So one morning I had an 8 a.m.
class.

Speaker 2 I was like, yo, Danny,

Speaker 2 let me get an Adderall out of your desk. And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah.
He's like, yeah, no problem. And so I grab one.

Speaker 2 I had an economics class, and I get to class. I'm like zoned in.
I just took the Adderall. I'm taking these small little notes, and I close my eyes, and I open them.

Speaker 2 It feels like two seconds later, and the classroom is completely empty. And I just look down at the paper.
There's like small little gibberish notes, and then just a pen line down the side.

Speaker 2 And then I like come back, and I'm like, what the fuck was that, dude? He's like, what'd you take? And I'm like, the fucking Adderall on your desk. He's like, oh, no, that was Xanax, dude.

Speaker 2 I took a Xanax. I passed out

Speaker 2 three minutes into the class.

Speaker 2 You must have looked so stupid, too. I mean, the whole thing, I must have looked awful.
Yeah, yeah. I drooled all over my desk.
Yeah, it was awful. That sucks, man.
I'm anti-medication.

Speaker 2 I'm all about fruits and vegetables. The food pyramid.
Oh, yeah. You know, I used to think the food pyramid was kind of stupid, but then I found out that the pyramids were built by slaves.

Speaker 2 And now I support the idea of the food pyramid.

Speaker 2 As a businessman.

Speaker 2 As a free market capitalist.

Speaker 2 I'm really into pyramids, especially that one with an eyeball on top. That has to be my favorite pyramid.
Oh, yeah. That's some cool shit, dude.
Yeah. I can't.
I fucking...

Speaker 2 I wonder what Masons were up to back in the day. Because I feel like Masons now are just like...
Yeah, I don't know, Adam. What was your grandfather up to back then? Oh, man.
I wish that was.

Speaker 2 Where Masons?

Speaker 2 They wear the hats, like the fezzes. No, that's.
Those are Shriners, Shriners.

Speaker 2 But that's a type of Mason? Apparently, yes. Well, I think what the Masons did was Masonry.

Speaker 2 That's what I thought, too. They built shit out of bricks.
It has nothing to do with bricks, though. Though they love the letter G and like protractors.

Speaker 2 That's their whole thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel like they're fucking running the world. You either had to be like a guy that fucked around with bricks or just a dude named Mason.

Speaker 2 So you had to have like a single mom that was on alcoholic. Exactly.
Mason. Or

Speaker 2 one of the Plumlee brothers.

Speaker 2 The Caleb Society.

Speaker 2 I'm a free Caleb.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude. So, yeah, that's good.
What we just talked about was good.

Speaker 2 What did I want to ask you, Nick? It's been a while. You had to go again.
We haven't gotten your thoughts on the NBA playoffs in some time. Oh, yeah.
It's

Speaker 2 close to the finals, Nick. What did you do? Let's do a little NBA game the last game.
I don't know. Was this even a funny bit? The last time it was.
It was pretty good. It was kind of funny.

Speaker 2 It was fun. It was great.

Speaker 2 You're already here first. Who's going to take it all this week? What's that? Who's going to take it all?

Speaker 2 Without consent?

Speaker 2 Do you really want to know my thoughts? Because that's how we had to get rid of the last episode. We're talking about somebody taking it all,

Speaker 2 taking

Speaker 2 something from someone who didn't want take it taken. I imagine your family being like South African.
Like one of those,

Speaker 2 like, you know, like,

Speaker 2 you know like cartoon mice that live in the wall and the dad's all scared about the daughter learning how to read yeah yeah the five but there's a lot of them yeah yeah yeah uh like there's a lot of Jewish art where they like the humans are nice to meet you daddy yeah Stuart Little Papa Little

Speaker 2 Mouse

Speaker 2 and you know that's kind of the best thing Walt Disney ever did was take mice away from the Jews.

Speaker 2 That's right. Wait, you say that like

Speaker 2 your mouse, and then he took him up with Chuck E. Cheese.

Speaker 2 He didn't come up with that. Yeah, that's a that's Disney property: Chuck E.
Cheese, the raccoons that suck your dick and play the drums. You know, those guys.

Speaker 2 Do you remember the animatronic shows at Chuck E. Cheese? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 He literally just mentioned it. I don't remember it.

Speaker 2 God damn it, dude.

Speaker 2 Don't even like

Speaker 2 take others' feelings into consideration.

Speaker 2 You don't listen to things they say, like yes or no.

Speaker 2 I wonder if that's like a familial trait.

Speaker 2 That's not true. And it's not about sex, it's about power.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you ever have a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese? No, I never did.

Speaker 2 Doping. It was a birthday childhood birthday party.
Oh, well, it sucks because my sister and I had the same trait. She had a birthday.
Yeah, four years apart.

Speaker 2 Why do people say that shit about rape?

Speaker 2 Well, it's not about sex, it's about power. I don't know.
That's what they always say. Like, you're supposed to be like, oh, oh, oh, okay.
Oh, yeah, funny. Oh, it's cool, man.

Speaker 2 I thought it was about sex.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's just trying to deter horny people from raping. How? You know what they would do? Because it was like, hey,

Speaker 2 you didn't want to rape, you'd probably go to like a sex worker or something. Just throwing that out there.

Speaker 2 I think that'd be your dude. I'm going to fuck my PlayStation.
That's That's real power. Yeah.
Spending thousands of dollars on virtual reality. You know what? I really bought the BlayStation.

Speaker 2 I barely fucking use it, dude. I don't.

Speaker 2 I mean, I use the Blender still. Shouts out to the Vitamix Corporation, but Sony can suck my dick, dude.
I might get an Apple TV.

Speaker 2 Apple TV rules. Yeah.
My next purchase is: I'm getting a console, and then I'm getting a seven-channel receiver. I'm going to hook some surround sound up in this.
Oh, tight, dude.

Speaker 2 You know what I want to do? I'm going to get a little bit of a. An An immersive theater experience.
Hell yeah. Yo, put some egg crating up in here, make a man cave.
Get some fleshlights. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, watch porn. There's a new fleshlight you don't have to like move.
It just sucks your dick. I love it.
Hands-free. I love it.
That's cool. Yeah, it's called Adam's Mom.

Speaker 2 Called my mom.

Speaker 2 She's a lovely one. There's a new flashlight that's incapable of moving.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 What was your best birthday party as a child? Do you remember Adam and then Nick? I want to hear the. Well, I used to have to have joint birthdays with my sister.

Speaker 2 Oh, so all her dumb friends would come. And all her dumb friends would come.
And then, like, dude, as an older fifth group Irish twins or something, we're four years apart.

Speaker 2 The timing is crazy. This is the same exactly.
Irish twins is, I thought, like, 11 months apart. Right after each other.
No, they're not. The same birthday do you have? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The old joke my dad used to tell my friends was like, oh, Oh, it's because

Speaker 2 my wife only lets me have sex once a year.

Speaker 2 And then they'd be like, Oh, your dad gets no pussy.

Speaker 2 He gets no pussy. You and your sister have the same birthday? We have the same birthday.
Yeah, born. No, I didn't know if it was the same exact birthday or not.
That's weird. April, yeah.
Same day.

Speaker 2 So, okay, so you have, and that sucks as a fucking older brother after

Speaker 2 a whole bunch of girls. And then I was like, I want to have a boy party.
Yeah. So I think like fifth grade, or fourth grade, I had my first own party.
I remember the first party.

Speaker 2 We rented Mars Attacks. Mm-hmm.
And it was PG-13, dude. Hell yeah.
But we got to go there anyway as a. Fuck yeah.
Was that 10-year-olds, 11-year-olds? That movie ruled.

Speaker 2 Dude, I had a much gayer version of that where me and my friends went to see Spice World for my birthday when I was like... When I was like 10 years old.
No, you had to be younger than that, dude.

Speaker 2 You're probably like... Spice World was what? 97?

Speaker 2 Yeah, then I was eight. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. 96, 97? That's a good film, bro.
Yeah. And then I remember I had a sleepover birthday party once.
That was cool. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I went to my friend Phil's and we went on E-Bombs World, or maybe, what was the one before that? What was before E-bombs?

Speaker 2 Like, that little Homestar Runner?

Speaker 2 There was some Homestar Runner, but there was like, I remember one picture of like a nun with a real hairy pussy. Oh, that's cool.
I think my best.

Speaker 2 We went to the

Speaker 2 my parents took like me and some friends to the Holocaust Museum, and they

Speaker 2 had a clown that we brought with us.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I'm just remembering how funny that clown was.

Speaker 2 He knew a lot of cool tricks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is cool. Yeah, the clown, like,

Speaker 2 he went into the shoe room, and he was like, look how small the shoes are. And then he had like his big clown shoes.

Speaker 2 What is it about the shoe room that everyone, that's what I, that's the only place I remember in that whole in the DC museum?

Speaker 2 I've never been because I you know I don't I don't want to spend my money to like a missing fishing campaign.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember like I remember the Ann Frank experience where they put you in that thing that simulates like

Speaker 2 a spaceship. That's cool.
I remember the experience. She was just in an attic.
You don't really go anywhere. You put VR and you just stay still.

Speaker 2 I remember the Lost World video game where you sit in the Jeep. Yeah.
That was cool. That was a cool part of the Holocaust Museum.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You sit in the train in that car.

Speaker 2 Well, in a way, I mean, it's train adjacent to Holocaust, so it is a cool destination if you are. Do you think their Spurs Auto?

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're like, I need to go to Air Force.
I'm a Nazi because I'm really into their train systems. Yeah.
Yo, the fucking

Speaker 2 Auschwitz, if you ever see the tracks in Auschwitz, it's very impressive. I mean, they had like 20 tracks side by side.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was like a huge operation. They really did not like Jews.

Speaker 2 They really did. And gypsies.
Yeah, yeah, and communists.

Speaker 2 Gays and retarded people. And yeah, they

Speaker 2 killed retarded people. Gypsies.

Speaker 2 But you'd think they'd put them to work. The gypsies?

Speaker 2 No, they do tricks. Yeah, yeah.
They do magic.

Speaker 2 They do sleight of hand. Haven't you ever seen the movie Thinner? No.
That was a yeah, of course not.

Speaker 2 That was a gypsy. They put the curse on, what's his name? The main guy, Mr.
Big Dick, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, where he keeps losing weight. Yeah, have you not seen thinner? I've never seen thinner.
It's all right, you keep losing weight, that's the curse. Sounds good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it's this big fat guy, and he like knocks a gypsy over or something, or he spits on her, and she's like, Then, you know,

Speaker 2 and then he's like losing weight, and everyone's like, You look great, or whatever. And then he's just, it's about AIDS.
He died. Oh, it's an AIDS parable.

Speaker 2 Don't fuck unclean gypsies because you'll get AIDS and then waste away to nothing. That's a powerful message for our time.
It's going to be cool when AIDS turns out to be the cure to everything. Oh.

Speaker 2 When they have that recombinant or whatever,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 like super AIDS viruses that they use to just kill other diseases. I can't wait for that to happen.

Speaker 2 Doing that with polio to kill brain cancer.

Speaker 2 Really? Really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 they like splice polio with a type of cold virus and then they like inject it into brain tumors. No, that's not because then they're not.
So they cured cancer? No, it's in clinical trials.

Speaker 2 Oh, right now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's still like a phase one,

Speaker 2 you know, study. Hell yeah.
I know that Botox is them inserting botulism,

Speaker 2 like localized botulism into the face to make you look gorgeous. I want to smooth out my ass cheeks with Botox.
I was on the Upper East Side recently. Those ladies look weird, dude.
The Botox.

Speaker 2 It's weird that you, like, if you're like one of the richest people in America, that's how you choose to look. They all get, like, they all look like ducks.

Speaker 2 Well, they should fucking, if they were real, if they were rich as hell and they wanted to go the fucking Susan,

Speaker 2 not Sarandon. Although, she's still, I would still go.
Saranda looks good. She's a fucking Susan Saran rap now.

Speaker 2 She's made out of plastic. I feel like she's

Speaker 2 guys are age.

Speaker 2 I would love to fuck Susan Sarandon. I would fuck this shit up.
Just for her body of work. She's an incredible actor.
Great actress. Big old teeth.
I think we talked about it already, but I hate the

Speaker 2 self-congratulatory announcement that people would fuck Helen Mirren. Yeah, absolutely.
It's like, you know who I would fuck actually is Helen Mirren. She's got big teeth.
Because she's got big teeth.

Speaker 2 She probably fucks good. She's got years of fucking teeth.

Speaker 2 I saw her. Yeah, I had a ramen place, and she crushed that shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She knows how to eat.
She knows how to slurp a noodle. You know what I'm saying? She got extra noodles.

Speaker 2 Ooh, my bitch. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But you just mean because she's an old lady, they're like proud of themselves. Yeah, but they always like, it's this announcement.
Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 How Magnus. Well, you think you're the only person that's willing to sell it.
Who wouldn't fucking? We'd all fuck Helen Mearten, right? I wouldn't fuck anybody. I'm Volcell now.
Are you a city?

Speaker 2 Volcell vegetables. Yeah, you do.
I'm all about it. Cryptocurrency.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Volcell. Yeah.
Volcell

Speaker 2 vegetables, Vitamix.

Speaker 2 and then the word vagina, but like the Ghostbusters no sign of that.

Speaker 2 Volcell always sounds like batteries to me.

Speaker 2 I think they're like Duracell. And like Volt.
Yeah. Like Volt cell.
Yeah. That's true.

Speaker 2 That is very true. Hold on.
That's all I got for that. No, that's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Adam shit his pants today. Oh, yeah, you shit your pants.
What happened? What did you eat? First, as a 30-year-old.

Speaker 2 But you shit your pants like once a year.

Speaker 2 It's a stomach thing. No, it's not.
It's a weak asshole thing. You got a weak asshole.
From getting punished. It's like it's my stomach.
You went to jail.

Speaker 2 You went to jail for bank fraud

Speaker 2 for forging coupons.

Speaker 2 Coupons to the bank. He says, I get a discount on pennies.

Speaker 2 And they're like, you made this coupon yourself.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't. And he just starts shitting himself.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when you get nervous, you shit yourself. You can't go back there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I poop my parents. You know what they do to girls like me in jail?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Wait, Nick, what is your real birthday party? Do you have any real birthday memories?

Speaker 2 We went to Dave and Buster's. Yeah, we went to.
Actually, that was pretty fun. Yeah, yeah.
But, I mean, as a child. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got a bowling alley one that was pretty fun. Nice.
Yeah. I wish I didn't even.
I mostly didn't bowl. I just

Speaker 2 played Time Crisis. Time Crisis, Time Crisis 2.

Speaker 2 And then there was

Speaker 2 a kid that I had been friends with years prior who I had just never seen again, who was just happened to be at the bowling.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was like, oh, shit. That's wild.
I was like, what are you here? It's my birthday. I was like, oh, happy birthday.
It was great. Hell yeah, man.
Yeah, that was a nice birthday.

Speaker 2 And then we went to the Holocaust museum.

Speaker 2 And we did that.

Speaker 2 Why did you even make me tell a sincere moment? I wanted to know a sincere moment. Who gives a shit about about that? This is a cute.
This is a comedy podcast. The fans.

Speaker 2 Well, did you guys ever fuck around with Skateland or Skate Rinks? No.

Speaker 2 Skateland ruled, dude. They'd have that fucking horrible ass pizza you'd put.
My stepsister's

Speaker 2 a rolling rink all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I never. And you know what? I did for my cousin's birthday.

Speaker 2 She had a roller skating thing. Yeah, it was terrible.
We had one

Speaker 2 too.

Speaker 2 We had one at this place, Crystal Palace. Nice.
And I remember one year, they'd announce all the birthdays, and it was my friend David's birthday. And they're like, and you'd skate in the middle.

Speaker 2 For people who don't know, Crystal Palace was like this place in

Speaker 2 Las Vegas where you could trade methamphetamine to have sex with Adam's mom.

Speaker 2 Well, we were at Crystal Palace, and then the Nazis came. Yeah.
And then they broke all the Nachta parrots. And it was the Nacht.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it was your birthday, and they call you into the middle of the moment. That was not

Speaker 2 a stripper named Crystal Nocht.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. Yeah, that's fun.
I'm Creistal. She comes out, she dances to Wagner.

Speaker 2 Yeah, baby. Puts a glass in her pussy and breaks it.
That'd be hot, dude. That's all I want.
Just a woman to do Crystal Noct with her pussy.

Speaker 2 That's a movie I'm starting in called Fival Goes Down

Speaker 2 on a Down Ass Bitch.

Speaker 2 Just a mouse-eating pussy.

Speaker 2 That's animal.

Speaker 2 What about a Five-Old sequel called Five-Old gets a tattoo on his forearm on his wrist? So Mouse was technically

Speaker 2 a prequel to Five-Old before they came over to America.

Speaker 2 I guess, yeah, Five-Old, they did explain. Five-old.
No, because it's all supposed to be about the Holocaust, right? Because there's cats and Five-Old. Is Five-Old about the Holocaust too?

Speaker 2 No, Five-Old is about shoes. It's more like Ellis Island shoes.

Speaker 2 I think it's probably

Speaker 2 pre-Holocaust. No, that's Fival Goes West.
Oh, okay. At the beginning of Fival Goes West, he has a newsboy cap from the first Fival, and he puts it inside out.
Oh, there's a first Fival?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All American

Speaker 2 literature and fiction is about the Jewish-American experience. That's true.
In the 1900s. Especially

Speaker 2 Showgirls. The movie Showgirls.

Speaker 2 That's Elizabeth from Say Berkeley, Berkeley. She's Jews in that.

Speaker 2 And the guy that that fucks her, that's Hitler. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 like Wallace and Grommet. Wallace is supposed to be Jewish, and then Gromet, the dog, is supposed to be another Jewish guy.
Oh.

Speaker 2 And the relationship they have is just a relationship between two Jewish men. Oh, that's pretty good.
They live together in a

Speaker 2 homosexual relationship.

Speaker 2 Like, just like a homo-friendly relationship. Homo-friendly.

Speaker 2 They're just two gay friends. Man, you know what's the funniest shit in the the world? To look at like the Rooms Wanted page for the Los Angeles Craigslist.

Speaker 2 It's just nothing but predatory gay guys.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 That's awesome.

Speaker 2 What I'm offering is a room to share. We share a bed, share a shower.

Speaker 2 It doesn't need to be sexual. It can be if you want.
Maybe we can suck each other's dicks. But it doesn't, I'm just looking for somebody, a place to stay.

Speaker 2 It can be if you want. Yeah.
Just post on the fucking fuck part of Craigslist. It's all those thin mustache gays, like the older.
Yeah. Well, anybody on Craigslist is a fucking predator anyways.

Speaker 2 That's true. Yeah, all those guys are just like, you know,

Speaker 2 what they get out of it is the idea of taking advantage of somebody that needs a place.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 I told you guys when I was looking for that place in D.C., that Michael Jackson cult that I walked in on.

Speaker 2 That like old gay guy with like the thin mustache and the fedora. I was like talking to my dad and I was like, yeah, I haven't found an apartment yet.
I've just just been visiting places.

Speaker 2 Oh, I have some friends there.

Speaker 2 Need to meet my Michael Jackson.

Speaker 2 Hang up. And then there's this like old gay dude, and he's like, He's like, Hey, like, we got some apartments for rent in this building.
Like, if you want to come check it, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was like in Logan Circle. Like, before it was nice.
And then I went in the building, and like, all the apartments were pretty small.

Speaker 2 He's like, Yeah, so we have a community of all Salvadorian immigrants and gay men. And I was like, Okay, that's chill, I guess.

Speaker 2 And then, so we're like walking around the building, and he's like, it's mainly studios. And then he's like, and at the end of the hall is my apartment.

Speaker 2 And I went into his apartment. I just passed by the El Salvadorian immigrants and I'm like, please help us.

Speaker 2 He fucked me in so bad.

Speaker 2 I went to fuck my ass up.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so he's like, yeah, the end of the hall is my apartment, and I've done it up nice. You want to come see it? And I'm like, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And then, like, I walk in, and it's like the gayest place I've ever been.

Speaker 2 Like, all the walls are painted black, and there's, like, there's just the, like, Louis XVII, like, fucking busts of, of, like, you know, like, statues and shit.

Speaker 2 And then there's these, like, two muscular, like, South American Brazilian dudes in their underwear, like, on the couch. And, like, they're just waking up.
They're like, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like, hey, this is Orlando. You know, like, and whatever the other guy's name is.
He's like, these are my friends. They're just saying over.
What? He's like, everyone, this is Florida.

Speaker 2 He's like, everyone, this is Adam. Like, I just want you to.
He was on the phone outside to his father, and he was so scared. And he was trying to find a place to live.

Speaker 2 And I told him to come look in the building. They just thought you were some like Midwestern twing.

Speaker 2 They thought I was like a trainer. This is Adam.
He's looking to get paused up.

Speaker 2 So let's shut the door. We're going to have these El Salvadorian immigrants

Speaker 2 be a chambermaid. By far, the weirdest part.

Speaker 2 No mi gusta rape. Por pavor.

Speaker 2 No vegusta rape. I just want to go to Joam Depot

Speaker 2 at the Joam Depot parking lot

Speaker 2 where I can get drunk and drink monster energy all day long

Speaker 2 wear my affliction shirt and eat empanadas from the truck

Speaker 2 anyway by far the weirdest part of the whole thing right before I left I like turned around back towards the door and then like next to the door he had this shrine set up with like all these pictures of Michael Jackson like like a feather boa and it was like a shrine set up to Michael Jackson.

Speaker 2 I was like, it was like right. He hadn't died like I think

Speaker 2 a year before that. Okay, okay.
And I was like, oh shit, like R.I.P. And then he's like, he's like, yeah, actually,

Speaker 2 I happen to think that Michael is a deity. He's a heavenly creature that was sent here to earth.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the thing is,

Speaker 2 everyone said he did those horrible things, but if you know the truth, the truth is he did not actually have any genitalia.

Speaker 2 Oh, and so that's why he's completely innocent because he was actually an angel and he was all smooth down there.

Speaker 2 He really thought he didn't have a dick.

Speaker 2 He didn't think he had a dick or a pussy or whatever. Adam was outside and he was so scared.
He was outside on the fucking house. The phone did you go into that guy's apartment?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I was looking for a fucking apartment, dude.
So how did you get out? You were like, I got a bad guy. I was like,

Speaker 2 no, he didn't rape me. No,

Speaker 2 he was just like a friendly old, thin, thin mustache gay guy. But if you grabbed his cock, you think he would have let you suck it? I think I would have got me, Orlando, Florida, all of us.

Speaker 2 I would have been a rape. This is Orlando.
This is Florida. That's Mickey Mouse.
That's Scoofy. That's Disney.
That's Walt.

Speaker 2 I'm Cinderella.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really that generation.

Speaker 2 Let's see if the glass dildo fits in my ass. Well, it's really like gay people are like accepted now, pretty much, right? In society.

Speaker 2 Not in my household.

Speaker 2 No, they are. I mean, they're uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, yes, they are.

Speaker 2 Every day I imagine having a son that comes out to me and I kick him out of the house.

Speaker 2 I have fantasies about

Speaker 2 that.

Speaker 2 That generation of gay dudes, like the weirdos, the John Waters type dudes,

Speaker 2 those are the dudes that got the shit beat out of them real bad and were at like Stonewall.

Speaker 2 Yeah, good for him for getting sucked off. Punching cops.
Yeah, good for that guy.

Speaker 2 You should have been. Thinking Michael Jackson was was all smooth.

Speaker 2 It's actually homophobic of you to not have sex with him. He didn't make a pass at me.
He probably thought I was like some young street gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had like a backpack on and stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you were

Speaker 2 on the phone. I was trans youth.
I wasn't trans. No, he probably thought I was like just a young man.
I met Adam outside. He is this dickless little trans girl.
He's all smooth down there.

Speaker 2 Please, Mrs. Adam, can you smuggle us out of here? Your burlap sang with a dollar sign on it.
Could you carry around with you?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Yeah, I don't know.
I've never really lived anywhere weird in my life. Except my stupid room right now, but.
It's not weird, though. It's not weird, no.
I've never lived

Speaker 2 gay men. I think I'm about to...
I think I'm going to fucking charge. I think I'm going to get a nicer room, dude.
Yeah. You know,

Speaker 2 get real walls. Come here, dude.
Come to Brooke. I might.
We'll see.

Speaker 2 Let's be roommates, dude. Let's do it like fucking Dharma and Greg.
Yeah, dude. Adam Greg.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. Adam, you're Dharma.
Because I'm spiritual. Because you're Indian.
Dharma and Greg were married.

Speaker 2 You got dull seams limbs.

Speaker 2 We do it like... No, Dharma and Greg, I fuck you.
We'd be Joey and Chandler. I'm Joey.
Dude, we get lazy boys. Yeah.
Watch

Speaker 2 together.

Speaker 2 Was that the implication of their character? Absolutely, dude. They got together to get hard.
At the very least, to get hard together. To get hard next to each other in their matching language.

Speaker 2 They were fucking nerds, dude. Like, porn exists.
They were like single men living in New York City. And plus, Joey fucked all the time.
Like, that was part of his character. And Chandler didn't fuck.

Speaker 2 I get that. But Joey fucked all the time.
Chandler didn't fuck. He was sarcastic.
He was the funny one. Could I be any more of a FA?

Speaker 2 Could I be any gayer?

Speaker 2 I never really watched Friends, but

Speaker 2 he had this little boy Chandler outside, and he was so scared. Yeah, I'm just looking for a place to live.
Please, Mr. Chandler.

Speaker 2 Take us to Ross.

Speaker 2 Bring us to Ross, you're a sevas. We want to be Ross.

Speaker 2 I never watched Friends, but my cousins from Israel were really into Friends. And anytime I'd say something, they'd be like, Adam, you are such a chandelier

Speaker 2 that is so chandelier of you there was a great there's a great fucking uh part of friends where it was just like they were just they were going brawless no

Speaker 2 that was like a nine

Speaker 2 never phoebe phoebe's titties you could never see phoebe didn't have tit though huh she didn't have a rat phoebe's titties but well neither did really courtney cox i mean jennifer and i think i don't know who had the biggest tits out of friends i think it was courtney cox you what

Speaker 2 What do you mean by that? So, no one told you life was gonna be a

Speaker 2 big dead man.

Speaker 2 I literally just said that. You fucking.
I fucked your ass and fucking cocks. You said that?

Speaker 2 Alright, I'm gonna start listening more. I'm gonna start listening better.
It's like you've done a podcast before you shut down.

Speaker 2 Adam, you're a faggot. Please listen.
So we can have a better podcast. I'll try.
We re-recorded this because of you,

Speaker 2 and now you're blowing it.

Speaker 2 I didn't blow it. You have.
You're not even talking to the mic. You know what? I wish.

Speaker 2 I wish. There he is.
You got that. You got that.

Speaker 2 I wish you could get into like classic cars without looking like a dickhead. Anytime I see a classic car, I'm like, that looks really cool.

Speaker 2 And then you see the guy driving it, and you're like, oh, never mind. Did you see that? You know, like that a block away from me, that there's like a four-car garage on Green and St.
John's? St.

Speaker 2 James by you at your address by me which is

Speaker 2 no whatever there's a there's like a four-car garage and there's this dude that has like he's like working on his cars all the time and he has a 57 Chevy and he's like out there it's beautiful it's like really fucking cool I don't give a shit about 57 I looked in his but I looked in his garage it's like the most common classic car it's like it is you see that everywhere I don't but it looks cool I mean like if you're like just walking we're not walking the dog is that where people were getting fingered on make out point and shit like that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 A lot of

Speaker 2 cool cars around here. There's like an old like t-bird around the corner.
Yeah. There's like a big ass like

Speaker 2 big old Buick and shit.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's cool stuff to look at. Yeah, when cars were all 4,000 pounds.
Yeah. There's a lot of that sized.
There was a lot of that in LA too. That's chill.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But anyway, that guy in his garage, I was like walking the dog and I looked a little bit closer into the garage.

Speaker 2 He's got like posters and stuff, and one of the posters he has up is the Ken Burns Jazz documentary.

Speaker 2 It's a great documentary. It's a good documentary, but it's like funny that he has it up in his man.

Speaker 2 Is he a black guy? No, I think he's a, he's like an he's like a kind of like a working class, like he might be a cop or something. But he's like an Italian,

Speaker 2 so he's white. Yeah, but he's like

Speaker 2 he might be Puerto Rican. Is he a black guy? And you go, no, I think he's like, he has a job.
He's working, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's employed. No, he's like

Speaker 2 taxes. No, no, no.
He's like. He's such a piece of shit.
I didn't say that.

Speaker 2 You literally did say it. No, he's like a working.
He's like a Glasgow.

Speaker 2 Everyone thinks you're the most careful. No, you just cut me off before.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure. You wear crew-neck t-shirts and stupid dad hats.
Crew-neck t-shirts? What? You wear V-neck t-shirts? No, I wear hoodies and jeans. You don't wear t-shirts?

Speaker 2 You're literally wearing a crew-neck t-shirt and right. I meant sweatshirt.
I'm not wearing a sweatshirt at all. You wear hoodie t-shirts.

Speaker 2 You wear hoodie t-shirts? Oh, yeah, with a hood, dude.

Speaker 2 I wear tank tops with hoods. You see that look? Yeah, that's a good look.
That's a good look, dude. I actually have a couple of sleeveless hoodies.
Nice, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Winter's out, guns out. But you got snows out, guns out.
Snows out, hose out.

Speaker 2 Fuck some guys in there.

Speaker 2 I really got nothing here for snows out, hose out. Your job's a joke, you broke.
You love life, safe.

Speaker 2 Your job's a joke, you broke. You've got it

Speaker 2 off, man.

Speaker 2 You know, for money. Amigos on NBC.

Speaker 2 Did I tell you? Listen,

Speaker 2 it is me, Chandler.

Speaker 2 I am the funny one. I am

Speaker 2 socially the funny guy.

Speaker 2 You know, sometimes my roommate, Hoey, Hoey comes in and he says something, but that buddy is very dumb. Hey, I'm a hoe.
I want to eat tacos, man.

Speaker 2 Could you be anymore? You're so stupid.

Speaker 2 What's up? Could you esteem anymore?

Speaker 2 You esteem anymore, stupid.

Speaker 2 What's up, guys?

Speaker 2 No, we're done. We're already done.
It's Ross. No, we're not doing this, baby.
It's me, Ross.

Speaker 2 We've already moved on from this. Come on dinosaurs, guys.

Speaker 2 Norstom thinks the friends in Spanish is funny anymore. So

Speaker 2 we're not doing that bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I kind of feel bad. It kind of is like a caricature of a proud people.
Yeah, but see, we did it, and then we learned from our mistakes, and then you continued doing it. And you piled on.

Speaker 2 It looked fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, piling on. That's a hot topic this week.
You know?

Speaker 2 I got something you pile on to. Yeah.
Piling on to people. Is it good or is it bad?

Speaker 2 It's time for the people that actively engaged in it for years to come to the conclusions that the people they hated came to four years ago.

Speaker 2 You know what? After shaming people for

Speaker 2 years and years and years and like building a career off of it, I decided that now I'm going to shame the people that do the shaming. Yeah.
You know, I think that's my next move.

Speaker 2 I think after I get fired.

Speaker 2 After I get fired from Cometown, I think my next career is probably going to be

Speaker 2 Jappy, like sort of a Jappy screenshot journalist girl. Nice man.
Yeah. Is that when you finish your transition, you started in D.C.?

Speaker 2 What transition? What do you mean? You said hormones?

Speaker 2 Yeah. When are you going to start hormones? In D.C., I started that transition.
You've been a trans woman for a long time. No, I'm not a trans woman.
I got a nude.

Speaker 2 You do kind of look like Chelsea Manning.

Speaker 2 Right now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it looks like lipstick.

Speaker 2 sort of like an army look about wearing red lipstick and you have blonde you bleach your hair blonde you're saying I look like a hero is that where you're saying no Adam looks like Chelsea womaning

Speaker 2 nice nice bro nice dude

Speaker 2 nice yeah you look more feminine than than her what do you mean by that you look like a woman dude I think it's you're sitting like a woman So what?

Speaker 2 You're not denying it. It's not like a woman, dude.
It's like

Speaker 2 an intellectual kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 You're right. Intellectuals are gay.

Speaker 2 Being smart gay. I sit like an intellectual.
This is like an intellectual. I wish my daughters to sit intellectual style so no one can see their pussy whenever

Speaker 2 I wish we could wear dresses, man, in the summertime. Yeah, just get into kilts.
Kilts are so fucking shit. I was at a wedding.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, Brett.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was at a wedding like two weeks ago.
There was a kilt. It's not even a fucking Irish thing.
And so many people have pointed that out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Scottish.

Speaker 2 It's just a fucking thing. Your name is the Irish Comic.
This is this guy, Brett, the Irish Comic. You go on stage in a kilt with bagpipes.

Speaker 2 That's Scottish. God, that fucking rules.
Holy shit, this whole time I didn't put that together.

Speaker 2 What? You didn't? No, dude. Oh, yeah.
No, it was. Holy shit.
No, at the time,

Speaker 2 everyone would be like, you know,

Speaker 2 that's not. It's like more of a Scottish thing that you're doing.
He'd be like, no, technically, you know.

Speaker 2 But he was from Milwaukee. He wasn't like...
Yeah. He wasn't even...
Not even Irish. He wasn't Scottish or Irish.
He had to go on stage every time like that. I love comics that are themed like that.

Speaker 2 Like, I see the headshots for the coach.

Speaker 2 There's a guy who's just a coach. He wears a leather football helmet.
And there's a...

Speaker 2 Well, that's not even the coach. That's the player.
But

Speaker 2 he had a whistle and he would wear that helmet. Well, the coach used to wear a helmet.

Speaker 2 In American football, the coach actually used to play part of it. He would be on the field

Speaker 2 during the game. And if you tackled the coach, you won.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's like the king. Yeah.
It was like chess.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. It was more intellectual.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 I know about this as an intellectual myself. Is that where you're sitting like that? What the fuck? So you can just call yourself an intellectual.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, of course. I'm an intellectual.
An intellectual just means you live in Brooklyn, right? Stav's a socialist. Yeah, I'm a socialist.
It means you tuck in your shirt and you live in Brooklyn.

Speaker 2 That's what an intellectual is. You mean you don't have an actual job? It means that you.

Speaker 2 Intellectual is how you pronounce those parentheses around someone's name.

Speaker 2 It means you read,

Speaker 2 what do you call it? Infinite Jest on the train, so everyone knows how smart you are. I told you my favorite train moment was that fucking guy.
Pulling Catcher and the Rye out of

Speaker 2 his tote bag. Hell yes.
What the fuck? How old was this guy? I don't know. He's like 25.

Speaker 2 That's like a book for he was like a super cool, like, street fashion dude, like straddling the fucking doorway on a train. Oh, yes.
Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I feel stupid because I love Catcher in the Rye. That's a good book.
But I just, that's when I stopped being smart, is like when I was 16. Yeah.
Well, you weren't smart then either.

Speaker 2 No, I was smart, bitch.

Speaker 2 Everyone thinks they're smart. That's that's like the that's the most beautiful thing to witness is people who are like 22, 23,

Speaker 2 turning 24, realizing that their precociousness just maxes out, and then they're going to get progressively dumber. Yeah.
And then they have like this fucking downward spiral. Right.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not saying I'm still smart. Yeah.
Like I was tall in sixth grade. I'm not tall anymore.
We've been the same height. I was the same smartness.

Speaker 2 But my brain has turned to mush because all I do is fucking comedy and like, you know.

Speaker 2 beat off and like play video. Well, I don't even play video games.
I don't know what I do with my days really if I'm being honest. But yeah, I used to be smart.

Speaker 2 You could be smart and then turn turn dumb, which is what I've done. I stopped reading, I don't really write anything anymore.
I used to write all the time. I feel like Chinese people stay smart,

Speaker 2 yeah, because they just, you know, they're about that work, you know, they're about that discipline. It seems like they're smart because you don't know what they're saying.

Speaker 2 Probably some smart shit, dude. Yeah, it's all math.
It is math. They are all doing division.
Two plus two, eight, four, nine, square root,

Speaker 2 five hundred million.

Speaker 2 Two, yeah, two times divided by fifteen.

Speaker 2 Just translate.

Speaker 2 Square root five geometry pre-calculus.

Speaker 2 The derivative $900, $200.

Speaker 2 $300.

Speaker 2 We said like that immigrant we were doing one time. The guy's like, hey, babe, you come here, maybe $5, maybe $30.
Maybe, maybe this.

Speaker 2 This is every sentence in the middle.

Speaker 2 $5, maybe $3.

Speaker 2 Maybe this.

Speaker 2 He's just always

Speaker 2 haggling.

Speaker 2 You come here, I give you a good price.

Speaker 2 You have lunch today, pretty good, huh? It was $5, maybe $2.

Speaker 2 Maybe more. That was a fucking character.
That was a good one. The haggle guy.

Speaker 2 Fuck, dude. My tooth hurts.
Does anybody know a good dentist? Wait, your shit didn't get fixed by that. It got fixed.

Speaker 2 I don't think you've updated. I don't even told anyone.

Speaker 2 I went to L.A. for this.
I went to my mom. I forgot my mom works at a dental lab, so she knows.
She sent you to a general contractor. No, she knows a fucking dentist, dude.
This guy rules.

Speaker 2 But I had to get there at like. Is your mom's job to test the fake teeth to see how they hold up when a dick is put in between them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She chomps down hard as hell.

Speaker 2 She gets new dentures and sucks a brand new dick every week. Really? Are you going to drag your mom like that, dude? I think it's pretty disrespectful.
I'm telling you what her job is.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, dude.

Speaker 2 Don't ever tell him how to interact with his own mother

Speaker 2 on this podcast. You're welcome.
Thank you, man. That's so fucking rude of you to fucking talk about my mom like that.
I'm about sticking up for my friends. Thank you, man.
You know?

Speaker 2 Why did you say that about

Speaker 2 there's a stigma about her job, man? She raised three beautiful boys in this country. She did, you're right.

Speaker 2 First of all, you don't know the gender. You don't need to be honest.
You don't know the gender of his brothers. That's right.
Do you know how my brother George identifies? Nick and George.

Speaker 2 How does George identify? George identifies as Sishet.

Speaker 2 Nope, he's trans. No, he's not.
Yes, he is. That's not true, dude.
He's trans curious. Actually, he told me the other day that he's been telling you that he's trans.
Dude, what did he do?

Speaker 2 Did he whisper it into your ear from behind you? While he fucked you in the ass?

Speaker 2 Because he's trans, but he's

Speaker 2 lying, baby. That's not true.

Speaker 2 Anyway, my brother fucked you, and my mom has a cool job at a dental lab that she's proud of, and I'm proud of her. And she got me the hookup at a dentist where I went there at 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 And I just sat there, and this guy

Speaker 2 would work on my tooth. He would do like five minutes of work every hour.
So I was just fucking sitting in the dentist chair with fucking Novocaine in my shit watching Property Brothers.

Speaker 2 That's fucking rules. I like to imagine him like leaning back in the chair and like playing an electric guitar that's not plugged in.

Speaker 2 So is your tooth fucked up still? Oh, okay. Is Novocaine like nitrous? Like you do at like Grateful Dead concerts? No, no, no.
That's different.

Speaker 2 Novocaine. What are you talking about? People do Nitrous at like in the parking lot.
Yeah, no shit. It's a gas.

Speaker 2 What's Novicaine? It's they inject have you never gotten any kind of inject your gums in the with that shit. Yeah, they do do the gas, don't they?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, they don't get in gas you to get a fucking cavity filled. That's what they do to me.
I thought, right. Oh, it's right.
No, they gas you.

Speaker 2 I had a cavity when I was like young, but I don't really remember. They gassed you and you were unconscious and they fucked you.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, anyway, stop.
How's your mouth? Yeah, so this motherfucker, he shouts out to the doc. He ruled.
He didn't charge me. I just had to stay there for like seven hours.
He kind of worked on me

Speaker 2 in between other patients.

Speaker 2 And oh, also, though, shouts out to this guy. He was like, He was like,

Speaker 2 you're a comedian? He was like, Your mom tells me you're a comedian. Do you like, do you do dirty jokes? And he was like,

Speaker 2 Here's a dirty joke. And he told me that joke about

Speaker 2 the nine-inch pianist. You know that joke? Where it's like,

Speaker 2 you don't know that? It's a comment. I mean, I can figure out kind of.
Yeah. What is the joke? He's like,

Speaker 2 you, you walk into some guy asked for, he was like, a genie granted his wish, but the genie was hard of hearing. So he had there was a nine-inch pianist on the table.

Speaker 2 He was like, Yeah, I asked for a nine-inch pianist.

Speaker 2 You can put it together. I don't know.
I mean, I butchered the joke, but he asked for a nine-inch cock, but he gets like a nine-inch piano playing.

Speaker 2 That sucks, dude. I would punch that genie in the fucking face.

Speaker 2 If you had a genie, what would you wish for? A 10-inch cock.

Speaker 2 Do you want a bigger dick, Adam? Are you not satisfied? I don't know. It really, like, my dick isn't that good, but it's, like, really hasn't failed me so far.
Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I used to want it to be bigger. When I'd see, like, porn as a kid, I thought that all dicks were that size.
I'd like to plump it up around the edges. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, I mean, obviously, if it was bigger, it would be hilarious. It would be great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, I would take $100 million, I think.
Yeah, yeah, that's probably.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be greedy, but I think I'd be happy with $100 million. What would you do?

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 2 With $100 million? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 half of it for just speculative investments to try and turn it into a billion. Nice.
Just ask for a billion from the gene. You really only need to make it 10 times.
That's no fun.

Speaker 2 That's no fun.

Speaker 2 I would want to gamble a shit ton of it. With 50 million, you could still do what the fuck ever you want.
Forever. Well, I would ask for $1 million and get everything that kid in blank check got.

Speaker 2 The boxing thing? Remember the boxing thing? That's pretty cool. All that cost was a million.
Mr. McIntosh.
Hell yeah, dude. He didn't get shit.

Speaker 2 He already had a nice house. I don't know if he was.

Speaker 2 A fucking cunt mom lived there. Fuck that lady, though, right? That's the implication.
Yeah, he had sex a bunch.

Speaker 2 Million dollars.

Speaker 2 Let's do a gritty reboot of blank check, and it's just a kid spending all his money on Hoover's.

Speaker 2 No, I was going to say. No, I would buy.
Actually, I was already looking at a gold claim in Alaska that comes with its own barge.

Speaker 2 And I was going to just move to Alaska and look for it. Yeah, Nick Low-key wants to be in Alaska, guys.
Well, they don't have property tax.

Speaker 2 You also get paid for living there, too, because of the oil, I think. Well, I don't know about that.
I think you get like a $20,000 check from the government every year. That's not true at all.

Speaker 2 Maybe I made that up. But yeah, I think everyone gets a check from the government for living there.
Well, they don't have property tax.

Speaker 2 So, like, let's say if you bought a house, let's say you bought a house because

Speaker 2 theoretically could buy property in the next two, three years. Yeah.
But if you bought a house and you bought it outright,

Speaker 2 you have like five years before before the government will take it away from you if you don't pay property tax.

Speaker 2 They'll just fucking just sell your house

Speaker 2 as shitty as a bank would. They'll just fucking

Speaker 2 tax sale on your house. What's that?

Speaker 2 Property taxes in New York City are surprisingly low, I've been told. Yeah, but property price, but the

Speaker 2 prices assessment is through the fucking roof. So like a low percentage doesn't mean shit if you're still paying $20,000 a year.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm never going to bribe property, dude. Maybe I'll be a houseboat guy.

Speaker 2 That's what I said. After divorce two, I think I'll get a bunch of people.
Do you get your parents' house when they die?

Speaker 2 I guess. I guess, yeah,

Speaker 2 as the firstborn, yeah. I think my parents still owe a lot on theirs, but I think they own it.
Yeah, they own that shit, baby. I want to buy some property in Baltimore, you know? Go back to B-moor.

Speaker 2 The favorite son. If you had $100 million, you'd move back to Baltimore.
No, I'd buy a house just to go hang out with fucking Cal Ripken and shit, dude. Go to the yard, go to Camden Yards.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you shouldn't get a house. You go to baseball, kid.
Dude, Camden Yards rules. I mean, I'd go everywhere.
You'd do that right now. Yeah, I mean, that's like if you had a.

Speaker 2 I don't think you understand how much money $100 million. I really have no clue.

Speaker 2 $100 million is like,

Speaker 2 you do shit. That's like, that's the shit that fucking the super rich go do stuff, and you don't even know what kinds of forms of

Speaker 2 getting into.

Speaker 2 Like going to like Bermuda,

Speaker 2 raping an entire native population, and then like going back to Westchester for dinner.

Speaker 2 You take a G6 down there, you pull an old Adam Friedland on the.

Speaker 2 You know that guy, Scott Storch? Yes. I think he blew 100 mil.
Really? Or maybe like, it was like maybe 10 miles. He was with Shell.
He was a fucking hitmaker, baby.

Speaker 2 He blew it on yachts and just he spent way too much money. It's hard to blow that much money.
It is hard.

Speaker 2 It's work to blow that much money. I guess

Speaker 2 I would open up a restaurant, you know? You would open a restaurant? I would open up a restaurant because I want to be a restaurateur, dude. You know, I want to be a fan of a very tough business.

Speaker 2 I know, but if I have $100 million, it's a pet project. So I'm putting money into it.
You're like a patron of a turf. I'm the patron.
I'm saying hello to everyone.

Speaker 2 It's like you're an art patron, but we're just going to be a little bit more

Speaker 2 sandwiches. The finest shit.
Oh, it's

Speaker 2 steaks and seafood right now, dude. Wow.
A little surfing turf. That's a great concept.
Fuck yeah, dude. Steaks and seafood.

Speaker 2 Stoppy stoppy surfing turf that's what i call it and the waiter the waitresses are all mermaids with clam shells on their titties yeah and they all got big fucking juicy titties

Speaker 2 uh

Speaker 2 and uh hmm

Speaker 2 what else i would give i would give some to charity you know

Speaker 2 uh no i would not give any money to charity i learned that that philanthropy is actually bad really yeah it's not it's not good to rely on teaching

Speaker 2 You got to teach them how to fish. No, you're not going to teach them how to fish.
We just need wealth redistribution. It's not going to be me that does it.

Speaker 2 I'll support the idea, but until that time, we can't rely on charity. So it's better to just not be charitable at all.

Speaker 2 You know, because

Speaker 2 you don't want to make people dependent on that charity. Sure, sure, sure, sure.
Yeah, yeah. Respect on that, brother.
So my $100 million, G6 down in Bermuda.

Speaker 2 Call it the code name is. See the chief? The code name is Davin Buster's.
Do you know what I'm going to call that

Speaker 2 We're going to take a little trip to Dave and Buster's today.

Speaker 2 Down there in the Bermuda Triangle, where ships disappear.

Speaker 2 Oh, interesting. What do you think happened to those ships? Where's Bermuda? Why are you snatched up by me and my hundred million? Bermuda's not in the Caribbean.
It's in the Atlantic?

Speaker 2 I would probably also try and get away with

Speaker 2 tying a woman up and putting her on a train. Oh, you become a villain.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, well, that's what being rich is. That is true.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you dress like that? Would you have the little mustache? I already have the mustache. You need to get curlier.
I could. I did until like

Speaker 2 three days ago. I guess that's true.

Speaker 2 You never notice when you change your skin. I switched it to goatee.
Yeah, it's a goatee season now, isn't it?

Speaker 2 God, I wish I could grow a nicer. I think all I do probably calf implants.
Yeah, your legs are scrawny. Instead of just going to the gym and exercising? No, I get the implants, probably.
Yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I get liposuction. No, I would never get calf implants.
You get liposuction. Yeah, I get liposuction.
I'd just get extra pucks.

Speaker 2 No, I just grow my hair out again.

Speaker 2 I would probably try to find a beautiful wife that doesn't love me for the money, but that doesn't exist. That's how you end up like Ed Sheeran.
Yeah, who's

Speaker 2 toxically masculine?

Speaker 2 The poster boy of toxic masculinity. That fucking tomato.

Speaker 2 That singing tomato.

Speaker 2 Who got cucked, I think, by his friend. Ed Sheeran, dude.
He's like the Garfield.

Speaker 2 He's like the Garfield of pussy. Instead of Mondays,

Speaker 2 he hates pussy.

Speaker 2 Ugh. Girls.

Speaker 2 The Garfield of Pussy.

Speaker 2 I kind of like that as a title. It doesn't make any fucking sense.
I'm just going to call myself the Garfield of Pussy. He's orange.
He's round. He's grumpy.
He's okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, he doesn't like Mondays. I know, but the Garfield of Pussy, for some reason, sounds like a bunch of people.
Sounds like someone who fucks.

Speaker 2 It doesn't make sense. No, that's like, that's one of those weird British royal titles that's like the ninth on the list in ascendancy.
Garfield or the cousin.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Winsley Dusseldorp,

Speaker 2 the ninth Earl Garfield of Pussy.

Speaker 2 Shire of Wales.

Speaker 2 Fuck. I'm the Odie of Pussy.
I'm the Nermal of Pussy. I'm actually Nermal.
Adam's the John Arbuckle of Pussy.

Speaker 2 You're John Arbuckle, especially the one where he drinks cum.

Speaker 2 He drinks dog gum. He drinks dog gum.
It's awesome. It honestly is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Did we ever tell the

Speaker 2 wholesome ass bullshit? And this guy just draws out of nowhere, makes one where he drinks cum.

Speaker 2 The veterinarian is like, congratulations, you're going to father some puppies. Like, first of all, why would you just drink a cup of

Speaker 2 in a doctor's office?

Speaker 2 Yeah, why is that out? Why do you have dog gum just out in that veterinarian?

Speaker 2 Also, John, Jim, whatever the fuck. John Arbuckle,

Speaker 2 you don't look at it and smell cum?

Speaker 2 Well, dog cum smells different. So it smells like coffee? That's

Speaker 2 Jim thinks he's drinking coffee. So cum and coffee have nothing to do with it.
John thinks he's drinking. You're John who drinks cum.

Speaker 2 Nick, I guess you're Garfield, and I'm Normal because it's the cute cat. Normal's a boy, by the way.
There's another cute.

Speaker 2 I'm not Garfield. I'm Roy, the rooster, from the U.S.
Acres. Okay, you're Roy.
I'm Normal, the cute little cat.

Speaker 2 Who's still good?

Speaker 2 And again, you're John who drinks cum. Yeah, you're John.
Because you dress like John. You look like John.

Speaker 2 You know. Because I have a job, guys.
I guess. Do you have a job? Aren't you getting fired?

Speaker 2 It's kind of a quit-fire situation. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going full cum these days. You start beating off?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm going to jump off all day.

Speaker 2 No, guys, I got a couple of passion projects I got to start focusing on.

Speaker 2 Passion pit, like for paralysis,

Speaker 2 I've given eight years to the paralegal profession, and

Speaker 2 it was a passion of mine. It was probably the passion of my life.
The passion of the Christ. It was the passion of my life.
Have you seen that movie?

Speaker 2 You should really, you should really look at it.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 look at some hard truths.

Speaker 2 I saw it in the theaters.

Speaker 2 You and your synagogue went and cheered. No,

Speaker 2 straight up.

Speaker 2 I think Phil said that him and his synagogue saw Passion of the Christ. That's awesome.

Speaker 2 Clapping like black people watching. No, I went on one of those days.
Me and my friend used to

Speaker 2 pay for one movie and then see like three, four movies. Like when we were in like middle school.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would rather just watch movies in my house, dude. Oh, man, that's awful.
You

Speaker 2 stole Gibson? You just stole your way into Passion of the Christ. Oh, that is pretty easy.
I saw Passion of the Christ, but I did not give that man a dime of my money.

Speaker 2 And by doing so, proving everything he stands for. I'm still laughing at Adam printing his own coupons for the bank.

Speaker 2 These are two for 120s.

Speaker 2 Sir, that's

Speaker 2 right.

Speaker 2 He can't get discount money.

Speaker 2 We'll read the fine print, my friend.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, that's funny. Coupons at the bank is really good.

Speaker 2 I have this coupon for more money.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I want to fucking.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude, I'm getting hungry. Maybe I should take more Adderall.

Speaker 2 Do you want to have a late dinner here? No, I don't want to eat it.

Speaker 2 I don't want to eat late at night, dude. I'm trying to lose weight.
Are you sick? No.

Speaker 2 I've been sleeping all day, and

Speaker 2 you know. Yeah, what did you do today? Nothing.
Nice. Absolutely nothing.
I scheduled an eye exam for tomorrow. Got a nice little $35 Groupon

Speaker 2 eye exam. Not bad.
Because I broke my glasses. Not bad, my friend.
Yeah. You get new glasses?

Speaker 2 I sat on my glasses and broke them. Really? Yeah.
Nice. What kind of glasses do you get? You powerful ass.

Speaker 2 I don't know. But I'm doing the thing this time where I just get the prescription and then I buy the frames online.
Nice. You can get it from China.
Zenny Optical. Yeah, dude.
That's my plug.

Speaker 2 Don't take my Zenny plug. First of all, let's stop plugging shit because it might

Speaker 2 conflict with some of our real sponsors. Yeah, yeah.
Actually, someone

Speaker 2 sent me a thing for a sponsor. I didn't tell you.

Speaker 2 But he said that only I could have the money.

Speaker 2 It's a joke. That's not how it works.
Yeah. I'll tell you what it is.
It's

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 It's.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 2 This is a bad idea if you have somebody like a person. No, he's getting free advertising.

Speaker 2 Fuck him. After listening to the most recent premium episode, we couldn't think of a better spokesperson for...
I'm not going to say the name because they haven't given me any money.

Speaker 2 We would like to extend a generous offer to you. None of the funds are to be distributed to any other members of the podcast.
Can't refuse

Speaker 2 in exchange.

Speaker 2 I would say that

Speaker 2 I don't really know how to say it. I don't really know what the

Speaker 2 it's fake. I mean, I think it's a joke.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. This is a DM.
This isn't a fucking. It's a DM.

Speaker 2 You guys keep talking while you're looking at this.

Speaker 2 So, grilled cheese, what do you think of it, Adam?

Speaker 2 I think it's nice dunking a little tomato soup,

Speaker 2 but it's got to be a bisque. You know, it's got to be a little creamier.
It's just like that.

Speaker 2 I fuck with the bisque. You know what I'm saying? That's hotly, my friend.
You know what I'm saying? A seafood bisque.

Speaker 2 But like tomato bisque, tomato bisque. Basil? Yes, my bisque.
And then you dunk

Speaker 2 grilled cheese. That's good.
What kind of cheese do you want to put in your grilled cheese?

Speaker 2 Do you ever mix them?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can can go different.

Speaker 2 Get American Swiss and cheddar. This is fake, dude.
It's fake. You fucking idiot.
Well, listen, I didn't think it was. It was just for funded by the Koch brothers.
Well, I didn't think it was

Speaker 2 idiot. God damn.

Speaker 2 You know what? I'd like to do a plug for Halki's Custom Woodwork. That's my dad's actual business.
I'm serious, though. They have to pay the shit.
If you need some woodworking done,

Speaker 2 you know, go to Halki's Custom Woodwork. And you want an Alright, alright.

Speaker 2 We got to end this one on some kind of bit.

Speaker 2 Okay. This guy, this has been so unfunny.
Yeah. Ever since Adam decided to make this episode about money,

Speaker 2 it's just become incredibly grating and boring, and it ruins the tone and the spirit of what we say about to do.

Speaker 2 Guys, if you need to destroy the like, I mean, my grandfather's not alive, so I don't really care. No, stop making everything about you.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 We're going to end this one talking about our favorite TV dinners. Okay.
I like Hungry Man. Me too.
Well, good episode, guys. Good talk.

Speaker 2 What kind of hungry man would eat a TV dinner? That's good. He would get a sandwich.
That's really good. From the deli.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. Uh-huh.
A big pastra sandwich.

Speaker 2 What kind of hungry man? Who's why do they call them TV dinners? You don't eat the TV.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I'll have mashed potatoes with some mat lock.

Speaker 2 You know when you like fucking, you're like falling asleep and you have some bullshit fake idea for a joke and you're like, oh, I got to write that down. You're like,

Speaker 2 I dreamed. Shut the fuck up.
Let me tell you. So this is the one I had

Speaker 2 the other night. I was like asleep.

Speaker 2 And I was, you know, where you like imagine you're doing a bit. And I was like, you know that song

Speaker 2 about the,

Speaker 2 hey, Mr. Tally Man, Tally Me Bananas.

Speaker 2 That's like like song is actually about how shitty the job is. And there's this dangerous spider or whatever that live, the Brazilian wandering spider that lives in the banana bushels.

Speaker 2 And then it's like the most deadly spider in the world. And if a banana, the guys that cut down the banana, like

Speaker 2 bunches or whatever the fuck they're called, they get bit by these spiders and they just die. Holy shit.
Yeah, it's like a wait. Is that real?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and there's a line in the song that's like something, something, the scary tarantula or whatever. Daylight come come and me want to go home.

Speaker 2 You're up all night getting bit by these like tarantulas who live in the bananas or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then I was like in my head like doing a bit about like, yeah, but maybe if they wanted people to feel bad for them, they wouldn't have made the song so fun.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, wow, that's a really good joke.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it should be a somber tune. Yeah, and I remember waking up in the morning being like, oh, what was that good idea for a joke I had? I'm like, oh, god damn it.

Speaker 2 It goes back to not having written a joke for a year and a half.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, man, I had like, it was Subway Jared was

Speaker 2 good, bitch. That was the last good news.
He broke you. He didn't break me.
He broke you, but no one can ever break me. I'll break you, bitch.
I'll fucking break the two of you.

Speaker 2 I'll break you, and I'll fuck you. Do you think you do well as a POW, Nick? A prisoner of war? Yeah.
Yeah, of course. I sort of adopt that language.
You're the indomitable spirit?

Speaker 2 No, because I'm already,

Speaker 2 you know, it's like the Hulk. My secret is that I'm always angry.
You're always angry. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know how I would do it as a POW.

Speaker 2 I could probably adjust to the living conditions. You would definitely be the best out of all three of us.
I'd fold immediately. I'd rather

Speaker 2 the idea of not having freedom, though, is like that's something that affects me deeply. But living in like a cage, I would probably have no issue

Speaker 2 eating bugs and shit.

Speaker 2 Even the physical torture. Being far away from my loved ones.

Speaker 2 I think all of that would not be a problem. The idea of not being able to leave whenever I wanted would fuck with me.
Yeah, if you had like a if you were a part of a free-range prison, you'd be okay.

Speaker 2 No, any kind of prison would not be okay. Well, you know, like where like all the guys in the unit are.
I mean, you guys are treated terribly by the Japanese or whatever.

Speaker 2 But like your commander's there, you make up songs to like, to like

Speaker 2 survive and

Speaker 2 pass the time away. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That seems fun. I don't know.
I went went to Hogan's. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It'd be like cool to be in

Speaker 2 a Cambodian POW camp and they just still let you do your podcast.

Speaker 2 If they let us, that would be kind of cool. Good morning,

Speaker 2 Cambodia.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shut up.
Only I'm allowed to do the impression. If you do it too, I'm going to kick your fucking ass.

Speaker 2 There's only one guy that's going to be a little bit more. Oh, goodness, bitch.
I'm also shut the fuck up, fat motherfucker. You're listening to to the Robin Williams podcast.

Speaker 2 It's me, Robin Williams. And it's me, also, Robin Williams.
Don't tell me what to do.

Speaker 2 No, I'm Ringo. He's Ringo, Ringo Williams.
The Ringo and Robin Williams.

Speaker 2 Ringo Williams. Hey, ooh.

Speaker 2 Ringo Williams. It's basically his career.
He's just that kind of shit. Ooh, now I'm Proon Tracy.
I'm Ringo Williams.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Ringo Williams is pretty good. Yeah, I guess.
That's it. Bro, I'm going to.
I want to go to mob prison. Let's talk about that in another rep.
Yeah. Mobs have prisons? Hour, five minutes, 23 seconds.

Speaker 2 That's a long. That's a free five minutes for the fans.
Dave, why don't you apologize to everybody for making us delete the other one?

Speaker 2 I didn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was technical difficulties. Winking.
Stop it, guys.

Speaker 2 Are you going to apologize? No.

Speaker 2 I apologize to no one. And to the individuals that called me the K-word for us being late on the episode,

Speaker 2 I'm not afraid. And you can keep calling me that the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 I'm not going anywhere, folks.

Speaker 2 Oh, actually, you're a dumb bitch.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Adam. Oh, we got a special camp just for boys like you.

Speaker 2 Heinrich Adams.

Speaker 2 He was in a Holocaust movie. Oh, you know what? I love is twins.
I love you. You can bring twins and bring them in and do experiments on them.
Just Patch Adams Mangaly. Mangley? Yes.

Speaker 2 Mangaly with a rubber red nose shot. Oh, what do we got here? Twins.
Let's inject some hot water into the brains. This one's dead.
Oh, look, it's a zombie. Let's do an improv bit for this dead body.

Speaker 2 Let's make him talk black. Oh, yeah.
I want me to put my arms through his and pretend I'm driving.

Speaker 2 All right.