Ep. 52 – Lisa’s Feet

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Speaker 3 making it less pleasant to listen to you like this reddit yeah well you know what's great about this business is that like i'm always the one eating on the podcast but they all the people get mad and they're like toe starved

Speaker 2 and just assume he's doing it because he's morbidly obese yo the fat shaming it's real son anytime there's a smell,

Speaker 2 hey, fatty. But you don't want to smell like that.

Speaker 3 What is true is that if anyone else is eating, then Stav is also eating.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3 Never.

Speaker 3 Every time we do the show,

Speaker 3 I'm like, hey, I'm going to order food if you want to get food or whatever. He's like, nah, I'm trying to be good.
I'm like,

Speaker 3 I drank some juice earlier. You know,

Speaker 3 some blender bullshit. And he's like, no, I'm trying to be.
I'm trying to be good about it. First of all, you can't be dieting if there is no diet.
True.

Speaker 3 It's not just a general idea of I'm not going to order food,

Speaker 3 let me order food, and he's like, Oh, let me get one of them dumplings.

Speaker 2 And it's like,

Speaker 3 just order, just order food.

Speaker 3 We know you're going to do this every time, and I understand it's addiction for you, but like, how fucking annoying would it be if you were like, let's say you and all your friends were crack addicts, right?

Speaker 3 And you're like, Yeah, man, we're going to get some crack.

Speaker 2 Do you want any crack?

Speaker 2 I'm going to double-bliss now. He's like, Yeah, let me just get a rock.
And it's like, no, you waited for me every time. Come on, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I worry about that as a girlfriend all the time because all I want all the time is just like two fries. And I know girl problems.

Speaker 3 Hashtag girl problems.

Speaker 2 I know. I'm trying to represent, and I know that it's terrible, but like, I don't want a whole thing of fries.
I just want two fries.

Speaker 3 Well, Stav's the fat girl from that Chris Farley Kaye of Sum sketch, which is the greatest sketch of all time.

Speaker 2 Lay off.

Speaker 2 Lay off me. I'm starving.

Speaker 2 This is my most styled shirt on a side note.

Speaker 3 It's a great shirt.

Speaker 2 Came through trans for y'all.

Speaker 2 Trans-Siberian Orchestra was good.

Speaker 2 I'm just chewing directly on the mic. Two of Come Town's favorites, trans and Siberia.
Yeah. And orchestras.

Speaker 3 But they're not trans in the traditional sense.

Speaker 2 No, no, I think they just like.

Speaker 3 Well, I guess in the contemporary sense, not in the traditional sense. They just rode together.

Speaker 2 I think that's all that is. They just go across Siberia.
Yeah. Together.
You like that fucking movie? You ever seen that shit? No.

Speaker 3 You know, you ever think it's how it's like kind of disappointing that, like,

Speaker 3 this is it. We've maxed out the genders.
There's not going to be any new weird stuff.

Speaker 2 Well, we just decided that other than fucking.

Speaker 3 That's really the last frontier.

Speaker 2 A thousand years from now, people are going to be having dicks off their ankles. You know what I'm saying? Like, it'll be something else.

Speaker 3 I think probably at some point pedophilia is going to

Speaker 3 be normal again?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there'll be another culture.

Speaker 2 I mean, it is normal in other cultures. Yeah, it already is.
Which is very

Speaker 2 in

Speaker 2 Afghanistan and stuff. They are Muslims.
Yeah. They get down like that?

Speaker 2 Yeah, all of Islam. I thought they weren't allowed to fuck it all.
No, you can, they all, like, in Afghanistan, they all have like child slaves and stuff.

Speaker 3 The story is that the army was like, there were soldiers like, I just stopped these tribal leaders from raping a boy. And then the colonels are like, oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, you got to let them just let that ride.

Speaker 3 You got to just let them fuck all those boys, and you're not allowed to talk about it.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Yeah,

Speaker 2 and that story came out like five years ago. Yeah, so it hasn't gotten bad.

Speaker 2 Getting ready for Little League? Some of them, the ones that weren't murdered, I guess.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shit. Yes.
There's a lot of.

Speaker 3 I wonder if pedophiles get defensive about that. When somebody's like, this guy's out there raping and murdering children.

Speaker 2 He's like,

Speaker 2 I don't murder them.

Speaker 2 Probably.

Speaker 3 You're making me out to sound like a monster. Which I am, but like not to that.

Speaker 2 Less of a monster. Right.
You're like, if you're not the guy who's like trapping people in a hut behind your house,

Speaker 2 what's worse? Fucking rich kids or poor kids? Poor. You know how, like, pedophiles, they pick on.

Speaker 2 I shouldn't have answered that question. Yeah, yeah, see?

Speaker 2 You just got blogged trapped. It's both bad.
You just got blog trapped. But it is sadder when it's poor children.
Right?

Speaker 2 Sorry. That's just a natural effect of money.
That's true.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I mean, like, if Baron Trump was sexually assaulted, would you care? Keep in mind, he's like 10, but he's also like 6'5 ⁇ .

Speaker 3 People don't realize how freaking.

Speaker 2 He's a very large boy.

Speaker 3 He's an enormous child.

Speaker 2 It's bizarre. He comes off the bench for the Milwaukee Bucks.
Yeah. People don't know that.

Speaker 3 He's like four and a half years old, and he's probably like a size 15 shoe, and he can dunk. Looks great.

Speaker 2 He looks great in a suit. He can definitely touch glass.
Yeah, for sure. Good haircuts.

Speaker 2 I feel like, would I feel bad? I don't know. I don't want to.

Speaker 2 I don't want to answer that question. Do you feel bad or not?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would feel bad. I feel bad for Baron Trump.
His dad sucks. He seems like he's in a rough spot.

Speaker 2 I feel bad for him and Tiffany, and I don't feel bad for the other three. Yeah.
Which is maybe unfair.

Speaker 3 Don't want to be the guy that exclusively goes after Baron and Tiffany Trump.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to call the other, the older brothers Lenny and Squiggy. Lenny and Squiggy.
Yeah, they look like a little Lenny and Squiggy.

Speaker 2 I feel like that gives them so much, that makes me feel so much more sympathetic towards them. Well, maybe I shouldn't.
Because then it's like they're fun, they're jazzy, they're fun.

Speaker 2 I've never been together. I've said this publicly.

Speaker 3 I've said it in private circles.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I should say it out loud. I can't believe you're saying something that you haven't said on the podcast before.
It's just in. Oh, that's

Speaker 2 exclusive.

Speaker 2 That's fucking rough.

Speaker 2 I'm just, I'm joking.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, it fucking hurt.

Speaker 2 Yeah, your fake joke hurt for real.

Speaker 2 I feel like we're much nicer than

Speaker 2 like Stav and Adams. Oh, originally.

Speaker 2 Like a fucking

Speaker 3 problem I have about myself creatively and the direction the podcast is going. That's not like a

Speaker 3 fun of Stav for being fat. I'm not like hurting his feelings about his real insecurities.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. He loves being fat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm sorry. That's his moneymaker.

Speaker 3 His whole wide-ass fucking body.

Speaker 2 Best fat comedians. Gabriel Galasius is numbers one through five, but number six is Stavros.
I agree.

Speaker 2 I'm not trying to say Stav shouldn't be fat. Well, anyhow.
I wouldn't say that.

Speaker 3 There's a comedian who I'm friendly with, but not good friends with by any means. Nice guy, and we've always had friendly interactions, but he looks exactly like

Speaker 3 Donald Trump Jr.

Speaker 3 or maybe Eric Trump, whichever the blonde-haired one is.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't. I think it's Eric Trump.
Squiggy, to be specific. Squiggy? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And he looks exactly like him and i pointed it out to other people and he's a nice guy and people like him and he's funny too so they're like he doesn't look like that and then i show them like look and they have to be like

Speaker 3 that's mean that's mean

Speaker 3 like that's i mean you're right but it's mean

Speaker 2 i feel like donald trump and eric trump are a very they're like a type there are a lot of people that look like them that are just

Speaker 3 other people whose last name is trump yeah

Speaker 3 that's a made-up last name right we already you know it's funny to look look at like pictures of the royal family and how they have the same facial features going back to like the 1200s. Jesus.

Speaker 3 That's how fucking inbred they are. You find like old paintings and they get the same nose.

Speaker 2 They spent 200 years fucking each other just to get it set. A thousand years, dude.
Oh, straight thousand. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck, man. That's how long the house of Bimbleybrook has been around.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 3 The House of Treyu?

Speaker 3 I think that's the British family's name.

Speaker 2 Really? That's from Neverending.

Speaker 2 That's pretty cool. Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 3 I think Atreyu is a metal band.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was going to say, they're kind of like trapped.

Speaker 2 That's one of the guys from Neverending Story.

Speaker 3 What, House of Treyou?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Atreyu.

Speaker 3 Oh, maybe that's where the band gets its name. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Probably.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the House of Treyu is

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 3 king kingdom of England. The king's house.

Speaker 3 And the name of the house is going back thousands of years.

Speaker 2 Thousands of...

Speaker 2 When I was growing up,

Speaker 2 one of my friends was, um,

Speaker 2 her family was like related. I guess they're like,

Speaker 2 you know, they can't, they're related to the Spencers, like to Diane Princess Diana's family.

Speaker 2 Which is related to Princess Diana.

Speaker 2 People don't know this. That's why they killed her.
Yeah. Is because

Speaker 3 she turned 50. She turned like somebody came up and honked her tits and then they killed her.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 3 the old broad, all their gifts there are like, you're 50.

Speaker 2 Do you still still like boobs

Speaker 2 I remember Spencer's gifts being a lot of like the stuff that I bought was a lot of like fairies that were like they had these like fairy print shirts that were like goth fairies and that was the vibe very specific you shopped at Spencer's gifts yeah it was like Spencer's gifts and hot topic they were like the same for like six months I don't think I ever bought anything at either one of those stores yeah I definitely used to go to Spencer's every time I went to the mall yeah you can go in there and look at stuff yeah yeah Because it was like beating off related, but I would never buy anything in there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would definitely, I was looking for shit to jerk off to later. Yeah.
Oh.

Speaker 3 Source material. To remember things.

Speaker 2 That's even worse. You just went to Spencer's gift store.
Just check out the posters.

Speaker 3 That's why I would go to Auntie Ann's.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I'd read the name. To the pretzels shape.
Imagine a woman who is shaped like a pretzel.

Speaker 2 I bet it's short for Annabelle.

Speaker 2 There you go. Get married.

Speaker 3 The whole house smells like yeast. You don't know if it's from from the pretzels or a pussy.

Speaker 2 That's why I always went to Wetzel's Pretzels. Yeah.
I would go there and just jack off someone named Wetzel.

Speaker 2 Putsies Wetzel's right there. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm like

Speaker 2 Wetzel.

Speaker 3 One place called, instead of pretzel time, it's pretzel dimes. And it's like hot women that serve you pretzels.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'd go there.
That'd be sick. I'm turned on.
Second digital. Let's do it.
Get some Puerto Rican mommies down there. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Put the baby oil on them.

Speaker 2 You can't have Puerto Rican pretzel time. It's just butter and like little salt crystals.

Speaker 2 Just all over.

Speaker 2 It's a bitch named Lucinda.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is that a Puerto Rican name?

Speaker 2 I think so. It might be.
I'm not sure, though. I can't really call it.

Speaker 2 It's a good name.

Speaker 3 What's Puerto Rico mean? Port Rich?

Speaker 2 Richport.

Speaker 2 Richport. Richport.
That'd be a better name.

Speaker 3 If they change it to that, I guarantee you they'd let them in the U.S.

Speaker 2 They get full statehood.

Speaker 2 Richport.

Speaker 2 If you used to tell, just tell Trump that it's Richport.

Speaker 3 It's it's a beautiful country. I found out recently most of them aren't even Spanish.

Speaker 2 Some of them are black. Who knew that?

Speaker 2 No one else knew that. It was just me.

Speaker 3 I asked President Xi about it.

Speaker 3 Basically any country I don't know about, I go to China and I ask the president.

Speaker 3 The president of China tells me about all the countries. We got a great relationship.

Speaker 2 He's a beautiful man. Trump sounds like Tony Bennett, and I love him, son.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 3 Ladies and gentlemen, if he said ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 2 did you read that Atlantic article about the slave?

Speaker 3 I did. No, you did.

Speaker 2 You were a little Trump slave? No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Just like some Filipino guy wrote this fucking long read about how he grew up with a slave in Seattle.

Speaker 3 His Filipino immigrant family had a fucking slave.

Speaker 2 Slaveless in Seattle. That was me.

Speaker 2 That was my thing.

Speaker 2 Slaveless in Seattle.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And

Speaker 2 it's white supremacist Meg Ryan,

Speaker 2 just complaining the whole time.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 uh, yeah, it was a crazy article because he just keeps the slave, is the moral. Oh, yeah, so she's like,

Speaker 3 there's nothing to do with the slave, except I kept her, but now I was nice to her. Here's a picture of me giving her a hug.

Speaker 2 I paid her $200 a week and told her she didn't have to cook, but she still did. Yeah, yeah.
And it's like, so he continued to have a slave.

Speaker 3 He was just a better slave owner than his parents.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And fucking,

Speaker 3 and all the people responding to it, and they're like, wow, this is so beautiful and nuanced.

Speaker 2 People crying.

Speaker 3 No, this guy should be in jail. Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 Well, he's lucky. I mean, he died.
He's dead. He died.
But the thing is, today they found that he lied to the obituary. They had an obituary for her in the Seattle.

Speaker 2 Times or whatever the fuck newspaper they have up there.

Speaker 3 Not slavery magazine.

Speaker 2 Not only slavery magazine. And they said that they and they they were like, oh, she was just

Speaker 2 she someone asked her to take care of the family in the Philippines, which they didn't ask her. They m made her.

Speaker 2 And then she was so devoted to the family,

Speaker 2 pretty much, or like, you'll starve. And then they took her to America and she had to stay with them because she, like,

Speaker 2 was for a while was there illegally. Anywho, lied to the.

Speaker 3 Well, he tried to justify it in the article, too, saying, like, Oh, well, you know, if we let her go back home, then we would get in trouble with immigration.

Speaker 2 Good, you should. You owned a slave.

Speaker 2 She got in a lot more trouble than just immigration.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Well, I just, as a white dude, it was so great to read that story.

Speaker 3 Because it's like, well, that's one you can't put in my column.

Speaker 2 That one is not on me. Well, I did see a bunch of responses.
I can connect it to you anyway.

Speaker 2 Nick Mullin said.

Speaker 3 Right. I'm just dusting my hands off.

Speaker 2 Nick Nicole Mullen said I could do it. Because they were like, this is just like Filipino culture where everyone just has a bunch of slaves.
Even the slaves have slaves.

Speaker 2 And it's like, okay, I don't know what's going on over there.

Speaker 3 It's like on Dharma and Greg, where Dharma's dog has a dog.

Speaker 2 You remember that? You never watched Darth. Oh, man.
I did watch Dharma and Greg. Yeah.
Dharma and Greg was great. Yeah, that was pretty good.
Better than you guys in the Pizza Place or whatever.

Speaker 3 Because Dharma was like the fun one.

Speaker 3 And she had a dog, but

Speaker 3 yeah. But like her dog also had a dog.

Speaker 2 and the boyfriend. It doesn't explain anything,

Speaker 2 you didn't explain anything. The second dog was Filipino, for right now.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see.

Speaker 3 Well, interestingly enough, the dogs were eaten by a Filipino family on the show.

Speaker 2 I saw four names. I don't know if they own slaves.

Speaker 3 Yeah, look, my takeaway from this was that all Chinese people grow up owning a slave.

Speaker 2 Oh, so that's what I mean. Chinese people aren't aware of that.
I can see that, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, you know what I mean by Chinese, is Chinese-style Asian people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Because you gotta be careful. When you say Asian now, Indian guys get mad, and they're just like, well, you mean not me? I'm Asian, too.

Speaker 2 I don't understand why that would be it.

Speaker 2 I feel like that's excluding themselves. I don't know.
Yeah. Talking about the type of Asian with the bangs on the sides.
You know how it's like little pincers? You know how they do that?

Speaker 2 They can't grow. Bangs on the side.
Have you ever seen that look? Where it's like

Speaker 2 two like side bangs that like wrap around, they frame your face. So it looks like you got parentheses over your face.
Yeah, I mean, I can imagine what you're saying, but I don't. Mark Echo sweatpants,

Speaker 3 like skate shoes, and fucking

Speaker 2 put on your face. Yeah, and that's an Indian thing.
No, no, no. Oh, yeah.
No. It's like

Speaker 3 a Pacific Islander, Southeast Asian kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Okay, cool. I just want to make sure that I'm like stereotyping correctly.
Yeah, yeah, no, you got it. We got it.
Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Speaker 3 My stepsister did a data Filipino guy who was really in the insane clown posse.

Speaker 2 Sick. Interesting.
Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Which definitely means he was break dancing a few years before that and then was like, I'm sick of dancing.

Speaker 2 Time for the real. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I won't be insane.

Speaker 2 You guys ever think about Jukaloz? Like, shit, you ever consider giving it a run? No, by the time I was aware of it, everyone, like, Vice was already like, oh,

Speaker 2 we all went to the ICP gathering.

Speaker 3 I mentioned it on the show already, but like that guy that my stepsister dated, he brought over some like insane clown posse DVD.

Speaker 3 And I was probably 15 at the time, and I was like super susceptible to becoming an ICP guy.

Speaker 2 You're close.

Speaker 3 Me at 15 could, like, it was like, I was like a cunt hair away from being like, fuck yeah, top of the fago scale.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Did you just say a cunt hair? Yeah, that's an expression.
You ever heard that? One guy, you ever heard that?

Speaker 3 No, yeah, a cunt hair away from.

Speaker 2 I have not heard that. You ever heard someone call lips dick suckers?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm going to punch you right in your dick suckers.
Maybe not like that, actually. Yeah.
That's a Woodbridge thing. Interesting.
No, I'm sorry. Just, I wanted to.

Speaker 2 I actually didn't know if I heard you correctly. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But you know what? Well, it's sort of like an older, respectful term from the antebellum South.

Speaker 2 It sounds old. It sounds like a very British thing to say.
Oh, yeah. Like one of the cut hairs.

Speaker 3 Well, that's me. I use British slang.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Con hair, the most pristine. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like like it better than, I don't know,

Speaker 2 I guess like pube. Yeah.
It's a better word than that. Because pube's a little too general.
Yeah. Pube could even be armpit hair.

Speaker 2 Some real shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, it's definitely more like gender-specific.
Anyway, I'm sorry. You almost joined ICP.
Yeah, I almost joined ICP. You almost became a juggler.

Speaker 3 Well, no, he brought that DVD over, and I remember watching it for 15 minutes and being like,

Speaker 3 this is the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my fucking life.

Speaker 2 He took you a little too close. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep.
Should have kept you at a nice safe distance.

Speaker 3 Because I remember, like, he had like, we had similar tastes in movies and shit. Like, he liked cool movies.

Speaker 2 So, and he was like, yeah, this is like insane clown posse. ICP guys get it sometimes.
You know what I'm saying? Not every day, but you can fuck with them a few times a week. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, it is like it's music for like if you're a white dude that wants to listen to rap, but you're probably like white trash and racist

Speaker 3 and you're too dumb for MM.

Speaker 3 That's what

Speaker 2 that's a great way to put it. Yeah,

Speaker 3 where it's like you understand the angst of Eminem, but it's not twisted enough.

Speaker 3 You need like a Joker element.

Speaker 2 You're sitting at the curve, like, why doesn't Eminem say the N-word? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so good at rap, he could.

Speaker 2 Why isn't he twisted?

Speaker 3 Why doesn't he understand my darker elements that just desire a chaotic mind?

Speaker 2 Like trans, like the transcends? Yeah, yeah, the transcends.

Speaker 3 It's like we came up with a new version of The Simpsons called The Transons.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bartsons is trans.

Speaker 2 Bart Simpsons is trans.

Speaker 3 Thank you guys.

Speaker 2 There was a lot. I'm glad you guys took the lead with that one.
Yeah, you were hungry. I know you were hesitant.

Speaker 3 Well, I wanted to give it to you because a big part of us was doing the parody songs.

Speaker 2 For sure. You know?

Speaker 3 I feel like

Speaker 3 Adam. It took Adam a long time to get comfortable doing them because he's very bad at them.

Speaker 3 He's probably

Speaker 3 honestly like the worst person in the entire world at coming up with parody songs.

Speaker 2 Because a nigga listen to Paul Simon and shit all the time. Yeah, parody that shit.
The gay ass music he listens to. Fucking acoustics.

Speaker 3 Do his talk-talk

Speaker 2 parodies.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 2 Duran Duran parodies don't work. You know what I mean? It ain't going.

Speaker 3 Check out this Roxy music parody I came up with.

Speaker 3 My ELO parody.

Speaker 2 I did think of a good time-time club one just now. Yeah, what's that? What you gonna do when you get out of jail? I'm gonna eat some cum.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 What do you consider cum? Yeah, you get the rest of it.

Speaker 2 That was good. Thank you.
That's fine. Dana, you got one? No.

Speaker 3 What's your favorite band?

Speaker 2 My favorite band? I don't want to. I don't know.
No, you have to say it. No.

Speaker 2 wow, I honestly don't know and I don't feel comfortable saying it.

Speaker 2 Why? I don't know. I'm just trying to think.
Right now, I'm just thinking of trying to impress the comeheads is what it is. No, no.
For that perfect fit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you got to just let it go. I like just embarrass myself constantly on this show, and this is like very little consequence for it.

Speaker 2 Oh, sure. No, I mean, who cares? I'm leaving

Speaker 3 with people telling you you're wrong.

Speaker 3 And then you just ignore them.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. This is, I wish that it was about the audience, but I feel like this is the panic that I get whenever someone asks me my favorite

Speaker 2 anything, book, movie.

Speaker 2 There's so many options. I'm just like, I don't know, what was the thing I listened to last? Because I get like into

Speaker 2 what happens to me is I'll like get hooked on a song and then I listen to that song like

Speaker 2 thousands of times and then I can't listen to it again. So then I like get into it.
And then also I feel like I can't remember things that I returned to.

Speaker 3 My favorite band is the Fival Goes West soundtrack.

Speaker 2 The soundtrack. Why was I trying to answer seriously? What is wrong with me? I was like, oh my god, what is my favorite song? I don't know if I should have just said like the sound of my own farts.

Speaker 3 Seriously, I'm doing Fival Gross Breasts.

Speaker 3 This is where Fival becomes stranded.

Speaker 2 Five o'clock.

Speaker 2 Fival Gross Breasts. Five O'Gross Breasts.

Speaker 3 Fival, what are you doing? You can't grow breasts and become a girl.

Speaker 2 Papa, I want to become a lady.

Speaker 2 You can't be a girl, Bible.

Speaker 3 Please, what are you doing to your father?

Speaker 3 Cats are like, all right, guys, or something.

Speaker 2 Richard Spencer, think of the lower side cut.

Speaker 3 They're also saying, I want to write, I want to do, I'm actually going to script it and then just do all the voices for the podcast at some point.

Speaker 3 But my spec script for The Simpsons where Homer gets red-pilled

Speaker 3 and Marge has to tolerate him finding out about the all-right and stuff.

Speaker 3 He's like, Marge, did you know that the Jews are using cultural Marxism to turn Bart gay?

Speaker 2 Homer, stop breeding those websites.

Speaker 2 Marge,

Speaker 3 I've got great news. I'm teaching Mill House how to fuck Lisa.

Speaker 2 Homer, stop that.

Speaker 3 No, it'll be good for Mill House, and Lisa's too uppity.

Speaker 3 I'm worried she's going to accuse somebody of rape.

Speaker 3 She goes to her smart girl college.

Speaker 3 So that's the idea for the

Speaker 2 you know, I pitch in, but I can't do any impressions.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there's no resolution to the episode.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's like Karumba for the whole

Speaker 2 have you heard about this new website.

Speaker 2 It's called Stormfront. I can't do Burns, really.
Oh, Smithers, man. Yeah.
So ahead of his time.

Speaker 3 Mr. Burns?

Speaker 3 I'm gay.

Speaker 2 You're fired.

Speaker 3 Good news. They finally fired that queer.

Speaker 3 Marge. Remember that queer I've been complaining about for 30 seasons? They finally fired

Speaker 2 him. Oh my, stop calling them that

Speaker 3 what I just learned the word. I they use it, they like being called that.

Speaker 3 Oh my, you're still using it in a derogatory way. They put the Q in the LG thing.

Speaker 2 I don't, it's not my fault.

Speaker 3 You're gonna be fucking mad at me because

Speaker 2 525,600 Simpsons.

Speaker 2 How many before they cancel that show?

Speaker 2 Rent always reminds me how homophobic Woodbridge, Virginia is.

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 2 I was telling you before we started this shit, I used to work at AMC when Rent was out. And after a movie's done, they used to give us like the billboards.
You could call dibs on the display shit.

Speaker 2 So I was like, yo.

Speaker 2 Rent's the hottest shit at the theater right now. I'm calling Rent.
I'm going to flip that shit on eBay with this money.

Speaker 2 And like, before I could even take the shit out of the lobby, these two gay dudes rolled up on me. He was like, What's up with that? What you about to do with that? And I was like, It's yours.

Speaker 2 50 bucks. You got to take it out of here yourself.
And it was like, hell yeah. And then, like, some dudes that I worked with, like, saw me, like, oh, what were you, what were you doing with them?

Speaker 2 I was like, dude, I just sold these guys. They were like trying to give me shit for like doing business with gay people.
Wow. Like, legit.
That's even worse than just, it's not even about the movie.

Speaker 2 Mark, you don't understand.

Speaker 3 It's about freedom of association. It's not racist.
It's libertarian.

Speaker 2 You know me.

Speaker 3 You know I'm a libertarian.

Speaker 2 I was like, damn,

Speaker 2 I can't take no money from him. For real? That's

Speaker 2 crazy. Yeah, it was pretty weird.
I wonder. I wonder where those dudes are.
Hope y'all are listening. Hope you still got that rent piece.
I hope they're having sights. I hope they've learned.

Speaker 2 God damn it. If I'm lucky.
Yeah. I hope I'm learning.
Maybe they were hoping that you would be like, oh, I'm setting something up for later.

Speaker 3 You just turn around and they're like burning it and they're like, yeah, BJ is wrong.

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh, shit, he's

Speaker 2 not.

Speaker 3 Tying Matthew Shepard to the billboards.

Speaker 3 Beating him to death.

Speaker 3 That would be really funny if they had tied Matthew Shepard to a rent billboard instead of a fence.

Speaker 3 That would be a good sketch comedy bit, I feel.

Speaker 2 I could see that on Saturday Night Live. Right.
Yeah. Especially today.
I feel like it's topical. People want to see that.

Speaker 2 I can see Melissa McCarthy's impression of the guy that beat Matthew Shepard to death.

Speaker 2 That's where I was going to, actually.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's Sean Spicer. What a card, huh?

Speaker 3 Hiding in the bushes.

Speaker 2 I can't get enough of these Republicans. What do they do next? Dude,

Speaker 3 I found this thing, this shitty-ass website that's like the best Donald Trump jokes

Speaker 3 and tweets and burns about Donald Trump. And it's all like, it's some fucking like limp dick 50-year-old poet.

Speaker 3 His own website, and he like put together, like, you know, it's like quotes from like, you know,

Speaker 3 Jon Stewart and like Stephen Colbert, like just the fucking like liberal hit squad. Yeah, all the hits.

Speaker 3 All the fucking Trump. I don't think so.
You know, like those guys. And then like Garrison Keillor.

Speaker 2 Well, then it's like he makes up his own, and it just goes off.

Speaker 2 It goes off the rails.

Speaker 3 His are, like, just peppered in there, and they're like the worst jokes you've ever read in your entire life.

Speaker 3 Like, Trump Putin

Speaker 3 can't wait to fly on his new plane, Air Force One Years Old.

Speaker 2 Boy, yeah, they'll be like,

Speaker 2 one of them was like, a traitor, an old man,

Speaker 2 and a bad guy walk into a bar. It's all Donald Trump.

Speaker 3 One of them was like,

Speaker 3 how does Donald Trump repudiate Martin Luther King's theory that all men are created equal? Answer, he's not equal to Dr. King or any human being capable of displaying compassion.

Speaker 2 It's like an angel fire sight.

Speaker 2 It is. It is.

Speaker 3 That's how it looks.

Speaker 2 With a custom cursor. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sprinkles off his shit.

Speaker 3 It's like older. It's like fucking older, like,

Speaker 3 just dumbass fucking liberals that, like, I just imagine them at home, like, scrolling through the Wikipedia page for humor, and they're like, hmm.

Speaker 2 Oh, it dates back to the ancient Egyptians, does it?

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm familiar with human. You mean

Speaker 3 the good Sir Jonathan Swift, perhaps?

Speaker 3 Yes, humor is a literary device I've employed in many of my conversational endeavors. For example, the other day I called the president quite an embarrassing buffoon.

Speaker 2 He had a good chuckle.

Speaker 3 Yeah, if you want any idea of my ability.

Speaker 3 One time I intimated that his genitals were

Speaker 2 small,

Speaker 3 which,

Speaker 3 you know, if you catch my drift.

Speaker 2 I happen to notice, perhaps you all have, he seems to be rather attracted to his daughter.

Speaker 3 He wants to fuck, per se,

Speaker 2 but spelled like that Q-Q-U-E, the intelligent form of fuck. The internet makes me feel bad for old people, man.
Yeah. It really fucked.

Speaker 3 Well, it reminds me of, I had this, my friend growing up, his parents were like, I think his dad was like a scientist and his mom was a lawyer, but they were like just, you know, old, like, Jewish liberals.

Speaker 3 And they used to like just love Bill Clinton jokes.

Speaker 3 They would like tell, like, what does a

Speaker 3 vending machine and Monica Lewinsky have in common? They both have a slot that says insert Bill here.

Speaker 2 And you can like just cackly.

Speaker 3 I remember being like eight and being like, yeah, that's not fucking fun.

Speaker 2 I do remember

Speaker 2 my

Speaker 2 like my dad and stepmom like just reading the

Speaker 2 like I guess the impeachment proceedings about the oral sex and like cracking up at it.

Speaker 2 Which like my parents are Dems and stuff and they are you know they're fucking they were DNC Clinton people, whatever.

Speaker 2 But just like laughing hysterically, because they just got to read all this, like,

Speaker 2 just them being like, and he took his

Speaker 2 penis and inserted it into her mouth, and she then,

Speaker 2 you know, I didn't know it, I was like 12, so I had no idea what was going on.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, I remember, like, that friend, me and my other friends, we would laugh about the idea of his parents having sex because they were like

Speaker 3 just the most non-sexual, kind of, like, gross, boring people.

Speaker 2 They were never within an army

Speaker 2 of each other.

Speaker 3 We would make fun of him by talking about his parents having sex all the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd be like, stop, my parents fuck, okay.

Speaker 3 My parents don't have sex.

Speaker 3 We're like, we know, that's why it's funny. Because they definitely don't have sex with each other.

Speaker 2 Man, shout out to my parents for not giving a fuck about politics. My mom was just like, you better vote Democrat.
And I don't give a shit why.

Speaker 2 And then when any story would come out, she would just be like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 3 My mom doesn't vote, I don't think. I don't think she votes at all.
I don't know if my dad voted. My dad was like,

Speaker 2 I kind of like

Speaker 3 Jeb, I guess.

Speaker 3 He's like, Jeb seems all right.

Speaker 2 Oh, bless his heart. We have so many questions.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think he was like a fan of Jeb and then voted for Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 2 I was with Jeb for a second. I was rooting for a fist fight.
I thought Jeb was going to freak out and literally swing on this nigga because he was just like... He's a bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Trump was just calling him a bitch for months. And I figured by the hundredth time.

Speaker 3 Well, Trump did that to all of them.

Speaker 2 Like, knuckle up. you can fucking hit dude he was so great that was the only good part of that all he had to just watching them

Speaker 2 what I couldn't understand it's like you guys are clearly losing like just stop trying to I know just call him a bitch back and everybody will go nuts yeah all you have to do is like fight on his level but they can't if Hillary called Trump a bitch once she would have won the whole Midwest dog Kansas would have flipped you know I mean because the votes were so close yeah just hearing her say bitch once.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Dude, he was so good. He should just, I feel like like the reason he's doing so poorly is because he doesn't have the opportunity to debate people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, he needs that

Speaker 2 freestyle battle.

Speaker 3 He should just be debating people constantly. There should never be any kind of.

Speaker 2 Every daily debate, you know? Yeah, right. Put him in a face.
You know what?

Speaker 3 There should be an executive order saying Rosie O'Donnell has to debate him.

Speaker 2 Every day. I would pay for that shit on paper.

Speaker 3 You bring, look, she's a vile hog.

Speaker 3 You bring her here. We're debating her in the Rose Garden.
That way we don't have to smell how much of a fake she is. You can be surrounded by the roses.

Speaker 3 Look, hey, look, I'm not trying to be mean, but she's a hog.

Speaker 2 And they just keep cutting off her mic.

Speaker 2 One of them fools in the house.

Speaker 3 It must be the apple in her mouth.

Speaker 2 One of them fools in the 1800s did that to somebody, for sure. Because you know what I'm saying? They don't have all the press from

Speaker 2 exactly. Yeah, they just had to go around debating people.

Speaker 2 You had to be like, hey, everybody, we're going to be in this square for a while. Yeah.
It was weird. And you just became president.

Speaker 2 It was grew by riding a train around and waving to people from the back of it. That's how Jimmy Carter became president.
He just shook a bunch of people's hands.

Speaker 2 Honestly, the reason that

Speaker 2 the whole election season is so long is because of Jimmy Carter. I thought he sucked the Ayatollah off.
I thought that's how I got it. Oh, maybe.
I haven't heard that.

Speaker 2 He would. He's a very generous man.
True.

Speaker 3 He would do it. He sucked the Ayatollah off.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Ayatollah Khomeini.

Speaker 2 Was that the 70s one?

Speaker 3 I think so. And this new one is Khomeini.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Right?

Speaker 2 That sounds right.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go with you on that.

Speaker 3 Did you see that

Speaker 3 when he tweeted?

Speaker 3 Fuck, what was it? It was the funniest tweet. It's like

Speaker 2 the. The Ayatollah being on Twitter is already funny.
Yeah, it was something about... Oh, I thought you meant Jimmy Carter.

Speaker 3 Well, it was so funny in like

Speaker 3 Iran isn't as retarded as the United States. That's why we don't need things like free speech or whatever.

Speaker 3 He goes, yeah.

Speaker 2 There's so much going on there. Well, it was something

Speaker 2 he said. It was something.

Speaker 3 Hold on.

Speaker 2 It was the way he was ordered. No, no, no.
I want to criticize. I just wanted to believe it.

Speaker 3 It was those words, but it was phrased in a way where he's criticizing the United States for embracing free speech

Speaker 3 by saying negative things about Islam or Iran or whatever. And it's like, you know,

Speaker 3 retarded states like the United States, you know, think they can have free speech. And then the response to it was a bunch of like woke Americans being like, How dare you say retarded?

Speaker 2 Like, prove to think you're right. Y'all are right.

Speaker 3 It was so funny.

Speaker 2 It was like this perfect, like, the balance of, oh, all these people are terrible.

Speaker 2 It's nice when everybody.

Speaker 3 Good job, Ayatollah.

Speaker 2 Thanks, bro. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I told you so.

Speaker 3 That's what I would change my name to.

Speaker 2 Ayatollah.

Speaker 2 I don't know the next line, but... Come in.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Ayatollah, Komini.

Speaker 2 Ayatollah, Comey. Just Comey.
Yeah, just have Homer become the next Ayatollah.

Speaker 3 Marge, do you know about these Muslims? They're trying to sneak into the country.

Speaker 2 Homer, stop reading Gavin McInnes.

Speaker 3 But Marge, he's so cool.

Speaker 3 I'm going to become a proud boy.

Speaker 2 Homer, what is that? Homer, why are you spending so much money on the Anthony Kumia network?

Speaker 3 Marge, I like these shows.

Speaker 3 Marge, there's this guy, Louis J. Gomez, that I've been idolizing online.

Speaker 3 I'm going to start taking adult karate lessons so it can be more like Lewis.

Speaker 2 I don't like how much time you're spending on podcasts.

Speaker 3 What's that? I can't hear you. I was listening to a podcast.

Speaker 2 Y'all fuck with that Comey, Comey shit? Yeah. I had told you James Comey.
Ooh.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's the next step. I tried to do a bit.
I took it down immediately, but I just wrote,

Speaker 2 it was like a picture on Twitter, like Comey's other memo, and it just said Black Lives Don't Matter.

Speaker 2 He said that. Yeah, yeah.
I bet he did. That's what I thought it would hit.
You didn't hit.

Speaker 3 Funny about FBI memos is like the FBI doesn't take notes when they fucking actually question a subject. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they just talk to them. They just feel it?

Speaker 3 They just talk to them, and then afterwards, they go and then they jot down notes about what happened.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 terrible. It's weird.
Yeah, that's straight up. That's probably not good.
Well, I guess from a psychological perspective, it's probably better to not be taking notes when you're talking to someone.

Speaker 2 Yeah, only remember the greatest hits. I don't want to hear your albums.
You can just make stuff up. Yeah, you can.

Speaker 3 But what's also fucked up is like you can can make stuff up, but it's like a pretty serious crime to lie to a federal agent.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So, like, if, and depending, and they've like hung people up on like the way they word something.

Speaker 2 Or if you say, I don't recall,

Speaker 3 or if you say no rather than I don't recall, like, even if you legitimately don't remember, like, that's, you would be in trouble there.

Speaker 2 What if you say, like, I don't even know, young? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So if an agent just.

Speaker 2 If you say young is okay. Yeah, that's what I mean.
An agent is like, oh, well, he told me this or that or whatever.

Speaker 3 You know. Marge, it's very fucked up.

Speaker 2 All I know about the FBI is from what I watch on cop shows. Like, and the police,

Speaker 2 like, it always seems like the FBI is like

Speaker 2 shit up. They never want the

Speaker 2 FBI to come in. Yeah.
They think that they're taking all the credit. Yeah, they all have the same suits on.

Speaker 3 Who's in charge here?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Not anymore.

Speaker 3 This is my jurisdiction.

Speaker 2 I need the files right now.

Speaker 3 I've never seen a file in my life. That'd be a cool show about an FBI agent that's illiterate.

Speaker 3 I don't know how to read. I just I gotta feel.

Speaker 3 The feel the feeler.

Speaker 2 Read this. 45 caliber.

Speaker 2 Pulls it on a just a a five-year-old. I don't know.

Speaker 3 You'd be cool to be is a Texas Ranger.

Speaker 2 Ooh. That's it.

Speaker 2 Is the difference between a Ranger and a police officer? Well, if you're a Ranger.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, great.

Speaker 2 It just sounds cooler.

Speaker 3 The Texas Rangers are like Texas' like main investigative body. They're like the FBI of Texas.
It just sounds like they're cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you know, Texas got their own body. It's much cooler.
Yeah, they got to have special

Speaker 2 names for stuff. They got to feel better.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they basically serve the purpose of the

Speaker 3 Texas state police, essentially, but they did investigate, you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they're legally allowed to kick niggas through plate glass windows.

Speaker 3 That's in the Texas Constitution.

Speaker 2 I assume they can just.

Speaker 3 With the N-word.

Speaker 2 It's in Texas.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I wonder how many times the N-word appears in the Texas Constitution.

Speaker 2 Got to be six.

Speaker 2 My money's on. Six flags.

Speaker 3 Six flags, six N-words. Six N-words over Texas.

Speaker 2 Coincidence? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Six swords over Texas.

Speaker 3 They changed the park's name.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Yeah, Texas Pride is like a thing.
I've never been to Texas, so I feel like it's just something I don't fully understand.

Speaker 3 I feel like it's mostly for people who move to Texas.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 There's a lot of those like, I wasn't born here, but I got here as soon as I could so I could affect the accent and become a fucking obnoxious piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Texas forever. Big ass boots.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Austin was filled with that.

Speaker 2 Just clicking around in the boots.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, they have a South Congress. It's all like fucking Los Angeles assholes.

Speaker 3 They're like, yeah, I got to get some boots.

Speaker 2 I got to go to

Speaker 3 the number one thing I have to do is go to Allen Boots and get like a fucking real

Speaker 3 like a real Texan boot situation going on.

Speaker 2 I remember I have like an aunt in Montana and I was visiting her and she's lived there for a while but she was telling me about this like Swedish guy who moved to Montana because he wanted to be a cowboy, which was like just the cutest thing.

Speaker 2 And she was like, you know, he was so nice and he was just walking around but like he had the boots on and he had the pants, but everyone knew he wasn't a cowboy because he didn't have a snap button shirt.

Speaker 2 Like he didn't have the pearl, like the little pearl snap buttons.

Speaker 2 And that's what you need.

Speaker 2 Also, he's Swedish, so I'm sure he's just like, oh, where's the cow? Wrong kind of blonde, my man.

Speaker 3 Why is that dude always eating meatballs?

Speaker 2 How's he always assembling food? There's a meat tall dude over here. Pickled heron.

Speaker 2 Getting fucking lindenberry juice all over the goddamn taxidermy.

Speaker 2 A stuffed muskrat with a little juice dripping off the cyst.

Speaker 3 He's got damn juice all over the

Speaker 2 Oh, I tell you.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck?

Speaker 3 There's a Lego in my bear cape.

Speaker 2 Bear cape.

Speaker 2 Why is he assembling furniture out on the goddamn range?

Speaker 3 Do some other Swedish things, I guess.

Speaker 2 Man, that ain't a horse, it's a sob.

Speaker 2 He's got a sob instead of a horse.

Speaker 2 What entar nation?

Speaker 2 He's very blonde. Why is he so blonde?

Speaker 2 He's got blue eyes, piercing blue, like the sea.

Speaker 3 There's a German company that makes screws. These like

Speaker 3 self-drilling screws. It's a company called SPACS.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 their spokesman is this weird German guy that's like obsessed with being a cowboy. And he's like a celebrity in Germany.
What? For being like, eh, cool, I'm I'm the cowboy.

Speaker 3 And they produce these promotional videos for their line of screws with him. His name's Connie, I think, or Ronnie something.
I'm fucking forget his name.

Speaker 2 Ron Connie.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's like Ronnie Coner or something.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 it's the most bizarre shit in the world where it's him dressed up as a cowboy, but he's speaking German to the camera. And then they have to dub over it with an actual cowboy.

Speaker 2 So like nothing matches up in his mouth.

Speaker 3 It's very here. Let me pull it up.

Speaker 2 You can see it.

Speaker 2 I was just thinking, because so we got some like promotional material from Marlborough,

Speaker 2 which I don't know where the little magazine thingy went, but it's like it's so weird to me, because I guess sometimes we buy cigarettes, and like it's weird to me that they've stuck with the cowboy

Speaker 2 thing for so long, and that's what's supposed to like appeal to us as like two

Speaker 2 sort of generic

Speaker 2 city. It's like that's not why we smoke cigarettes.
Like, that's not why a lot of people like just figure out another target.

Speaker 2 Find your demographic.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give it in a night. Switch the packaging up.
A little wooden box. Figure it out.
Like, just maybe some. I don't know what it would be.
People just smoking on the street. That's all I need.

Speaker 2 Somebody just standing outside of a restaurant smoking.

Speaker 2 That would be enough for me to smoke a cigarette. I'm gonna

Speaker 2 play this. All right.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is

Speaker 2 howdy, friends. Did you know that SPACs is actually made in Germany? More than 50 million SPACs are produced in Enimital each day.

Speaker 2 That's a whole lot, ain't it?

Speaker 2 So it's quality made in Germany.

Speaker 2 Tight ass shit.

Speaker 2 It's so old. Believe me.

Speaker 2 I put a rough figure on it, and I've used around 200,000 SPACs in my house.

Speaker 2 To me, it's obvious that SPACs is the best.

Speaker 2 Some can't decide what to use.

Speaker 2 He's wearing overalls and a black cowboy hat, and then they're all the same, ain't they? Just some

Speaker 2 SPAX has plenty of different types of that you always get the best results without any stress.

Speaker 2 And you know that you should never save on materials.

Speaker 2 Straight up wraparounds. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You can tell. You can hear that German on him.
He's even like walking up beat.

Speaker 2 So, this is my main Spax. Standing next to a lot of SPACS.

Speaker 2 It's just a whole wall full of specs. This Spax is different to a cheap screw.

Speaker 2 Why is it different? The know-how that's put into it.

Speaker 2 That's more than you think. The head has a breaking and cutting rib, for example.
I'll take

Speaker 2 the specs out. Yeah.
How long is this?

Speaker 3 It's long because it's a promotional video made by the company.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 That's not going to translate well at all. The podcast.

Speaker 2 It just sounds like a thing.

Speaker 3 But go look up the information on the screen.

Speaker 2 I still feel like it's very silly just hearing it. You're trying to act like you're not a German with them leather overalls on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. You're just walking around like clearly just a nice German countryside.

Speaker 2 Get out of here. That's not the American West.

Speaker 3 German cowboy.

Speaker 2 Schnitzel in the face ass.

Speaker 2 Just good, good teeth.

Speaker 3 Margaret decided to move to Germany to help fight the Muslims that are taking over the country.

Speaker 2 Homer, stop doing this.

Speaker 3 Homer, please.

Speaker 3 It's me, your good friend, Christopher Walken.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 3 You got to stop being racist towards Muslims.

Speaker 2 Homer, this alt-right stuff,

Speaker 3 it's not good.

Speaker 3 To be honest with you, it makes me uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 Got the choppers coming for us us now. Sure.

Speaker 2 He's been fucking keeping me awake every night.

Speaker 2 Helicopters outside all the time.

Speaker 3 So I just typed in German cowboy, and I'm inundated with pornography.

Speaker 2 Turn your safe search on.

Speaker 3 German cowboy Ronnie.

Speaker 2 He's not turning his second channel on. There's even

Speaker 3 more now.

Speaker 2 Is one of them me fucking a horse?

Speaker 2 I think my safe search is on. Paying for that extra.
Connie. It was something like that.
Like Connie or German Cowboy. Yeah, I'm not going to.

Speaker 3 Older man movies, free porn movies.

Speaker 2 Cowboy movies. Ooh, the cowboy novels that inspired Hitler.
Man, I cannot be less interested in watching old dudes fuck. That's probably my least touched genre of pornography.

Speaker 2 Old dudes fucking.

Speaker 3 One of the first weird videos I saw online, it's these two older Japanese businessmen sitting next to each other on the couch, and they started rubbing each other's crotches through

Speaker 3 and then they just started passionately making out.

Speaker 3 It was like, yes, that sounds great. It was very disturbing.
It was like so much worse than if it was just two guys fucking each other in the ass. There was this weird.

Speaker 2 It's too erotic. Too central? It's like too.

Speaker 2 They make out and then they do a PowerPoint presentation about why they're not gay. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, my theory is that they were both Filipino slaves owned by Filipino Americans, who all own slaves, by the way.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's now the thing. What can you do?

Speaker 3 I just, I love it.

Speaker 2 It's a cultural thing.

Speaker 2 I can't do nothing.

Speaker 3 It's a cultural. A field day finding like

Speaker 3 woke Twitter accounts justifying slave ownership in

Speaker 2 text.

Speaker 2 I saw one that was like, this is up for...

Speaker 2 It was like...

Speaker 2 It was like, this is for Filipino Americans to discuss amongst themselves. And I was like, well, I mean, I feel very comfortable being there.
Yeah, yeah, we can talk like that.

Speaker 2 No, I don't like slavery.

Speaker 2 made me feel really good I was like ooh I'm not involved but I am going to judge every Filipino Manny Pacquiao's trainer white slave Manny Pacquiao slave slave that's it's it's

Speaker 2 cyclical circular yeah it's sort of like a Ponzi scheme of slavery it's a circle of slaves yeah this is the best tweet I found on it from Hannah Welch it's a white woman name names big ups uh white woman the Atlantic's uh my family's slave piece keeps reminding me of S-Town.

Speaker 3 A beautifully told story that we probably don't have the right to read.

Speaker 2 I hate that.

Speaker 2 They wrote it in the Atlantic. Yeah.
It don't get no whiter, man. Read it.

Speaker 3 Oh, I found this in my notes also, next to that tweet I had saved. I wrote this to myself.
A sketch show where the property brothers rape lights camera Jackson.

Speaker 3 It's not one of the sketches. It's the whole show.
It's every sketch.

Speaker 2 It's all sketches, but the sketch is the same.

Speaker 3 I typed that into my phone before going to bed last night.

Speaker 2 You put a little sleep hat on.

Speaker 2 Fuck it. Night, night.

Speaker 2 Hit the clapper. It's just like telling yourself a bedtime story.

Speaker 2 All right, Nick. And

Speaker 2 it's the Property Brothers, but

Speaker 2 you're just like, your eyes are all fluttering. You're like, will you tell me the same story tomorrow?

Speaker 3 I don't understand Lights Camera Jackson's deal, but I feel like he deserves to be violated by the Property Brothers.

Speaker 2 Lights Camera Jackson, is that another

Speaker 2 one? No, he's like on, he's a Twitter guy, right?

Speaker 3 He's a boy that reviews movies.

Speaker 2 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 2 Okay. Sounds like it.
I was like, this is some child shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's definitely, hopefully, a child and not an adult with 45-year-old man.

Speaker 2 Lights Camera Jackson.

Speaker 3 Marge, I've been getting really into the Property Brothers.

Speaker 2 That's good, Homer.

Speaker 3 I want them to rape Lights Camera

Speaker 2 Homer, please.

Speaker 3 Exasperated Marge. Marge, I become an irony, bro.

Speaker 2 What would it take for Marge to leave on some real shit?

Speaker 2 You know, Homer almost killed her a few times. I thought

Speaker 2 they got divorced and divorced.

Speaker 3 I was dating Lena Dunham like two seasons ago.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jesus Christ. I miss you.

Speaker 2 It makes sense, though. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 2 of course, Lena would hit it next.

Speaker 3 Where Lisa has to get her

Speaker 3 kicked out of the DSA because Homer used to use the N-word on Twitter.

Speaker 2 I think that's a real. Yeah, that'd be a

Speaker 3 Marge. Lisa's trying to get me kicked out of the DSA because she found out about my pre-woke period.

Speaker 2 Homer, everyone's happy for you that you're woke now, but you can't demand to be in black spaces.

Speaker 2 But I want to be in black spaces.

Speaker 3 Carl gave me permission.

Speaker 2 Homer, that wasn't Carl.

Speaker 3 That was Lenny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Homer, I'm not the black one.

Speaker 2 I wish I could do a Carl. He's ready.
I know. I feel it's hard because I feel like your impressions are so good that I feel bad chiming in with like a shitty impression.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to give it the old college try there. Only Black Simpson.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll give it a run.

Speaker 2 Lou. Lou, Black Bart.
Black Bart. Carl.
Carl.

Speaker 2 The child.

Speaker 2 There's a child. Oh, I'm in class.

Speaker 2 I don't know his name.

Speaker 3 Wendell.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah.
Wendell. They just let him cross his arms like a b-boy.

Speaker 2 He never had any lunch.

Speaker 2 We're not going to hire a black voice.

Speaker 3 Marge, they kicked me out of the DSA.

Speaker 2 Because he was listening to Gucci Man?

Speaker 3 He found out I called somebody a faggot on Tumblr in 2010.

Speaker 3 Now I'm not allowed to be in the DSA anymore, Marge.

Speaker 3 You know how important socialism has been to me for the last four months?

Speaker 3 They can't take this away from me.

Speaker 2 Homer with with the rose emoji on his shit.

Speaker 2 Oh, we love you, Homer.

Speaker 3 Oh, we're glad that you're awoke. Well, fuck it.
I guess I might as well just be racist now.

Speaker 3 They're not going to let me join the DSA. I'm going to start my own DSA.
It's just a stone cutters episode. What is the DSA?

Speaker 2 Each guy's got a birthmark that looks like a rose.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 3 Geish, what's the DSA?

Speaker 2 It's a secret. Oh, Bush.

Speaker 3 I wish I could do Lenny.

Speaker 2 Give you a week. I feel like it's a secret.
That's a pretty good Lenny in my office. Shut up.

Speaker 2 We have people asking her about the DSA.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 Are you a political group? Shut up.

Speaker 3 Barney, do you want to join the DSA?

Speaker 3 You have to be that trans version of Barney from the episode where he quit drinking.

Speaker 2 Remember that?

Speaker 3 Well, I'm off to market.

Speaker 3 That's the Barney that's allowed in the DSA.

Speaker 3 This is the Marge Barney.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why was he sober? Because he got a girlfriend?

Speaker 3 Nah, because there's that video of him at the party where he's like, that's what I look like when I'm drunk.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, and he finally.

Speaker 2 No, that's a...

Speaker 3 Fuck. Once I do Barney, I can't go back.

Speaker 2 That's the kill switch?

Speaker 3 No, that's, yeah, no, it's gone.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn, it is gone.

Speaker 2 Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Speaker 3 No, that's his stage we call Professor Barney.

Speaker 3 This is what you look like when you're drunk.

Speaker 2 Remember? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm off to market.

Speaker 3 Barney, you're... No, he goes, Marge, you're embarrassing us.
Oh, it's just Barney.

Speaker 3 And then there you go. I've recapped that

Speaker 3 vague approximations.

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm. Nailed it, though.
That was good.

Speaker 3 That is a fun riff, though. DSA Homer.

Speaker 2 DSA Homer, Muslim Band Homer. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Muslim band Homer is pretty great.

Speaker 2 Filipino slave Homer.

Speaker 2 Also, a banger.

Speaker 3 Marge, I'm Filipino now. I'm allowed to have a slave.

Speaker 3 Oh, my, you're not Filipino, but I'm yellow.

Speaker 3 You're yellow, too.

Speaker 3 That's Filipino, right?

Speaker 2 What if Matt Raining was like, what if Matt Raining

Speaker 2 was like,

Speaker 3 Chinese, aren't we?

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 3 there are characters that are white on the show.

Speaker 2 If Matt Raining was like J.K. Rowling and he just kept revising The Simpsons over and over, and he was like, actually, they're all Asian.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 Apu is like a Rachel Doazall character. And that's why Hank Azaria is playing her.
He's not like traditional.

Speaker 3 I used to be Nigerian my entire life.

Speaker 2 If they released that

Speaker 2 The Simpsons was all Filipino right now, the Philippines would shit. They'd be so happy.
It would be nice.

Speaker 2 I'm sure most of it is drawn in the Philippines.

Speaker 2 I had a Filipino homie in high school, and

Speaker 2 all I know about Filipino people is they are aware of every Filipino celebrity. Yeah.
Like we were like juniors in high school, and he was telling me that.

Speaker 3 All six of

Speaker 2 the celebrity.

Speaker 3 The woman on the raisins box.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just remember him telling me

Speaker 2 the new lead singer of Journey is Filipino. I'm like, dog, we're 16.

Speaker 2 The fuck?

Speaker 2 How'd you know?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, that's funny.

Speaker 3 Marge, did you know then

Speaker 3 the new lead singer of Journey is Filipino, like us?

Speaker 2 We're not Filipino, Homer.

Speaker 3 Well, if I'm not Filipino, then why do I have a slave?

Speaker 3 Answer me that, genius. Cut over to Mill House.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Just chained up.
Can I go home? He loves it. I want to go home.

Speaker 3 Shut up, Bart's friend.

Speaker 3 Lola Mill House.

Speaker 2 What's your new name?

Speaker 2 You're doing it because you love Lisa.

Speaker 3 If you want to marry Lisa, you'll make us dinner.

Speaker 3 Go sleep on that laundry pile.

Speaker 2 Oh, man, the Simpsons are going to send a lawyer to all our cribs.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm being sued by The Simpsons for saying Homer is Filipino.

Speaker 2 That would be like my proudest point. I'm going to do a spin off.
Consider yourself served.

Speaker 3 I'm going to do a spin-off that's just called the Homer Simpson Podcast.

Speaker 2 I would listen to you just for a while.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't even need guests. You would probably be heard.

Speaker 3 We got enough money coming in now off the premium episodes that, like, I was thinking about bankrolling a podcast network, and I had an idea to just pay two women to just talk about their feet and putting on shoes

Speaker 2 for an hour. Hey, which would crush.

Speaker 2 Hello. Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, if you want to, yeah, if you just want to be the woman, the two women that just talk about it.

Speaker 2 I'll be the two women. I don't want to split it with someone.
Fucking shit. Hey, my feet.

Speaker 2 Wow, my feet smell.

Speaker 2 What? My feet smell worse.

Speaker 3 You can't keep a conversation going for a fucking hour with with just one person.

Speaker 2 Unless your Bill Burr is the only guy that can do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, with just myself?

Speaker 2 But I'm pretending to be two people. Anyhow, copyright.
Fine, I'll split it with someone else. You can steal my idea of hiring basically prostitutes to do a foot smash podcast.

Speaker 2 Podcasting is not prostitutes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, podcasting is not a problem. The law has not caught up to that.
Totally, you're right. About yourself.
You are right, but it's not just.

Speaker 2 I'm a paralegal, okay? I know the boundaries. You're good.
Let me be a legal. You're what? You're a paralegal.

Speaker 2 I'm a pair of legals.

Speaker 2 I think I still remember

Speaker 3 the 100% real official Homer Simpson podcast.

Speaker 2 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 3 Dan Cashalinetta here, voice of Homer Simpson. And you're listening to the Fox Presents brought to you by Tide and Maybelline,

Speaker 3 Simpson's 100% Copyright Real Trademark Podcast.

Speaker 3 100% legally allowed to be used. All this content belongs to us and is endorsed by both Fox Network and Tied and Maybelline.
And Tied and Viacom and everyone in the entertainment industry.

Speaker 3 Scientology told me to do this.

Speaker 2 On a side note, I still tell people about when you sent me

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 mom's feet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. This is a crazy YouTube video.
Yeah, man. It was like random as fuck.
Like, we hadn't talked in like two weeks. Yeah.
And you hit me up at like one in the morning. Like,

Speaker 2 no words. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fuck with this.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I found this. Mom's feet on YouTube is like a great search.

Speaker 3 And I saw this one video where this guy's like,

Speaker 3 just pulling off his mom's sock while she's asleep. I remember the camera's moving around, and then you just see his dick come up in the frame and he comes on her feet.

Speaker 2 Boom. Like four seconds a day.
No, I don't. He had that shit primed, yo.
Wasn't there one?

Speaker 2 Wasn't there one where like somebody got upset that someone was filming her feet? I feel like that was a thing. Must have been.
That's got at least only one video.

Speaker 2 Only one that I'm filming, and she's like, What are you doing? That's half of Vimeo. Merge and really defeat now.
Women being upset that they're being famous. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Homer, did you put a video of Lisa's feet on the internet?

Speaker 2 Uh

Speaker 3 no.

Speaker 2 He just tiptoes on.

Speaker 2 Why she's tiptoeing.

Speaker 2 Homer, lock this door. What are you looking at?

Speaker 3 Well, I'm not uploading videos of Lisa's feet to the internet.

Speaker 2 That's for sure.

Speaker 2 I want to dial up. Doe!

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 3 All right. Well, that was a fun episode.

Speaker 2 You guys were good.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 2 come to the west. Thanks for having us.

Speaker 2 I can't wait for

Speaker 2 all that there or whatever.

Speaker 2 I'm on the internet. Fuck with me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, guys, if you enjoyed Dana and Jamel, Jamel's got his own podcast called Airbuds. Yeah, and Dana works at some job, so if you want to see hanging out, follow me on Twitter and stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, non-profit. I'm doing it on Twitter.
What's your Twitter, G? Dana C-Bel. There you go.
I'm working on stuff.

Speaker 3 And starting next week, I'll be back in New York with

Speaker 2 two slices of pizza. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, that's what he calls them.
He calls them his two slices of picnic. My two slices.
My two slices. My two favorite slices.
My New York slices.

Speaker 3 My two large sons.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 My two big baby boys. Can you get that done legally? Can you just make them like your executors to your will and your kids?

Speaker 3 Yeah, probably. Bet.

Speaker 2 Lock that up.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, good night.