Ep. 46 – Vacations?

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Speaker 1 that's quince.com slash tafs free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash t a fs this is bullshit i hit that button

Speaker 2 like i just did and then that's how the podcast starts so we'll start oh yeah dude

Speaker 2 yeah yo what's up y'all motherfucking come town west come town west baby we got the cali vibes the cool cali breeze baby Going through our cool Cali hair right now. I learned how to surf, dude.

Speaker 2 I did a 360 surf.

Speaker 2 We had a kickback earlier.

Speaker 2 Fat people are, they float more, right? Yeah, that's true. That's why the best surface is.

Speaker 2 You're all lipids. Are we going to talk about our favorite Sublime songs?

Speaker 2 This is basically it. Fat people

Speaker 2 Lamore. We're having a kitty.

Speaker 2 We're having a kicker right now, which is just four dudes in a room getting cross-fated, getting high, getting steroids. And then maybe if a couple girls come over, we could have a full chill.

Speaker 2 What's cross-fated? Is that the dab marine thing? Cross-fated is when you get.

Speaker 2 I like how you make fun of this guy for being a a loser for smoking weed but then you just sit at home and watch videos of this guy smoking weed smoking weed i really want to go to long beach and meet nick weed we should go i'm too afraid to drink

Speaker 2 he follows me on instagram no my really it's a friend of mine from new york got me

Speaker 2 has this weird obsession with this guy who lives in long beach named nick420ca

Speaker 2 uh on instagram and what he does is he just films himself doing dab marines uh sometimes doing bingers, hitting bingers.

Speaker 2 He's been basically, he was dormant, and then the night Trump won for some reason, he came back. It was time.

Speaker 2 So basically, he'll do like a

Speaker 2 dab, and then he'll chug like a 24-ounce taccade.

Speaker 2 Oh, sick.

Speaker 2 And then he'll hit a binger, and then he'll blow it all out and do some sort of... Yeah, he's real serious about this.
But the thing is, is that

Speaker 2 on its own, it's not, in terms of as a work of art, it's not that impressive on its own. but through repetition, which is literally maybe smoking weed on the internet maybe 5,000 times,

Speaker 2 coughing for on aggregate, maybe like a day and a half just of just coughing on YouTube. We should end that.
Yeah, that should be a super cut.

Speaker 2 The unfortunate thing is, is that his original YouTube channel is now done, it is offline, and the genesis of the entire project, which is chilling and dabbing down after

Speaker 2 dabbing after chilling down at Pike, is no longer on the internet, but that is the video that started it all and started the entire obsession. But basically, I'm going to DM Nick DM Nick Weed.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, so we're here. We got fucking heavy ass Dick Andy.
Heavy ass

Speaker 2 heavy Dick Andy.

Speaker 2 It's got tumors in it.

Speaker 2 Weighted down by tumors. Ain't that big full of cancer? No lipids in here.
If you guys could support my GoFundMe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just GoFundMe. That's why he's here.
It's because I was shooting HGH right into my fucking. You probably get Fallon for dick cancer.

Speaker 2 The answer is no, Stav. Could you put HGH in your dick? The answer is no.
No.

Speaker 2 That would be awesome.

Speaker 2 You just saw Stav's birthday. Of course, yeah.

Speaker 2 You saw the

Speaker 2 time. You saw the hamster that's on this.

Speaker 2 I've been pumping HGH directly into my frontal lobe so I can fucking read people's minds now. Oh, fuck.
No, I think that's called hamstring.

Speaker 2 Fucking stem cells injected right into your spine in Israel. Yeah, dude.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've been kidnapping all those, like, there's missing girls in D.C., those missing bucks in DC.

Speaker 2 I've been harvesting their stem cells. See, I just go to Planned Parenthood.
Yeah, I go to the

Speaker 2 abortion bucket.

Speaker 2 It's like when you go to Panera after hours, you're like,

Speaker 2 yo, you got any extra fucking croissants? Yeah. yeah you just do that with children I just like that

Speaker 2 the abortion I knew I knew a guy that fucking uh was like

Speaker 2 like you uh like an anarchist or whatever and his he uh he like him and this girl I like grew up with they had a kid And then she died like two months later. It was tragic.

Speaker 2 She was actually really cool. She had a fucking aneurysm.
So it was like one of those out of nowhere sort of things. And then he was just living in her parents' basement raising the kid.
No. And like

Speaker 2 one day he came home with like a bag of bread that he had found in the trash. And it was like, Jesus Christ.
Please don't raise your baby on trash bread that you found behind Panera.

Speaker 2 You got to get that EBT card, son. Yeah.
He didn't believe in it.

Speaker 2 Did they fucking toss him? Did the parents just toss him? No, actually, he's doing an all right job raising that kid. Yeah, he's trans now, too.
Oh, Jared. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, dude. There's a lot of layers going on to this motherfucker.
Yeah. Wait, is he in Seattle? No.
Okay. No.

Speaker 2 Why? Does that sound like everyone in Seattle? No,

Speaker 2 no. Wait, hold on.
Is he the mayor of Seattle? Is that the city comptroller? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There was a dude that, well, a trans woman came up to me in Seattle recently and was like, I used to do comedy in D.C. with you.
Oh, shit. But I was a guy back then.
So I didn't know who it was.

Speaker 2 I wonder who it was. Because I would probably know also.
Yeah. It's my Diesel.
Yeah, it's my Mike Diesel's. Yeah, I used to be a fucking guy.

Speaker 2 Now I'm Mike Prius.

Speaker 2 The girl over there. Mike Delina.

Speaker 2 He has like a shitty name.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Mike Hybrid. Homophobic against himself.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mike Faggot. My favorite.

Speaker 2 I figured my Switch, you know. I didn't want to confuse people.

Speaker 2 My favorite Mike Diesel story is like Twiti told the story about meeting Mike Diesel. And he's like, yeah, I worked with this guy, Mike Diesel.
I'm like, please go on.

Speaker 2 And Mike was like, yeah, I've been a road comic for, you know, 75 years or whatever the number is now that he tells people.

Speaker 2 I'm the number one comic in the West Virginia panhandle.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, I mean, if you know Mike, you know, he tells like all these stories or whatever.

Speaker 2 And some of them are just like so ridiculous that you just, you know, I mean, not all of them are ridiculous yeah you know stories but Toiti said he met him and that he was like yeah I uh I've been a road dog 45 years you know I only got four teeth left and it's like he could just see his teeth yeah

Speaker 2 so he's like literally lying through his teeth

Speaker 2 incredible yeah I never I never met diesel how is that possible because I only went to what was that club wise Acres I only went to Wise Acres like twice I felt I fell into being a Wise Acres guy pretty early on in stand-up, which is kind of like that was it for you, I guess, in D.C.

Speaker 2 You just became a Wise Acres guy.

Speaker 2 It was a good room. It was a great room.
It was like probably the best. I didn't have a car, and I wasn't going to catch like what.
I think that was like 90% of the time.

Speaker 2 There was a fall train out there at that point.

Speaker 2 There is now. There's one that goes right there.
You know something weird, though? Yeah. That hotel that Wise Acres was in.
Yeah. I was staying at that hotel when Kirk Cobain died.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 When I was like 12. That's weird.
Yeah, but I never went to

Speaker 2 anyways. The way Diesel would tell that story, yes.
And I actually pulled the gun out of his mouth. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he said, Mike, thank you for writing every one of Nirvana's songs and teaching me how to play guitar. You guys got to get Diesel on come down.
I would love to be Diesel. We've talked about that.

Speaker 2 I would love to have Mike Diesel on. We want Diesel.
We want Tom Myers.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 Tom won't come on the show. Today I got a low exposure tweet, but one of them,

Speaker 2 low engagement, one of them was Tom Myers. Oh, hell.

Speaker 2 Usually, I delete them if they get low engagement, and I was like, fuck it. No, you got the that's that's Tom Myers is on there.
Yeah, yeah. And for our listeners, Heavy Dick Andy also is a DC boy.

Speaker 2 Started Comedy DC, right? Are you starting?

Speaker 2 I like started in Seattle, but I like eight months and moved to Seattle. Right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 So we all know him from the damn scene. Yeah.
Just giving these motherfuckers. But Andy was Andy was first bubble.
First comedy bubble. Yeah.
First wave. And we were second wave.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nick was both waves. I've never never had a wave.

Speaker 2 No, I know. You're you know, but I remember it started when, like, right when I got to DC, and Matt Kazam was like losing his mind.
He was like, this is kid, and he's like, great. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I mean, I quickly, I think it was like two months in, I made friends with Norman. Yeah.
And Norman's like, just come to Wise Acres.

Speaker 2 And then they quickly became like, oh, I'll just do Wise Acres. And I remember you also were over it right away, too.
What, stand-up? Yeah, there was something weird.

Speaker 2 Like, were you on pills or something?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that wasn't, I did, after, like, after, like, maybe like, it took longer than that. It took about 13 months, but I got burned out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I remember, like, I just didn't see you until maybe when I was here. Yeah, well, I was just at Wise Acres.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, and then after like doing Wise Acres for maybe two years, I was like, I started dating a girl, and then I would do stand-up maybe once every two months.

Speaker 2 She died. And then she died, and I was like, this is the funniest thing that's ever happened.

Speaker 2 I got to talk about this.

Speaker 2 But yeah, no, there was like a period where I didn't do comedy for like nine months, I think. And then I moved to Austin.
And when I moved to Austin, like, I just wanted to move somewhere.

Speaker 2 And then Norman's like, no, you have to do stand-up. I don't know.
And he was my only friend. So I would go out with him to mics and shit.
So I kind of like started over basically when I got there.

Speaker 2 Did you win Funniest Person in Austin? No, I was in the finals like two or three years. You did win Gayest Person in Austin.
I did. I won Gayest Person in Austin.

Speaker 2 We all like lost our mind when

Speaker 2 Bryson won it. We were like Bryson's gonna be famous now.
Yeah, I mean he should have been.

Speaker 2 Bryson like at 24 was a better comic than like a lot of the comics that you know I know and you know he like figured it out six years in or whatever but and I don't want to talk shit on Bryson because he was like a good friend even though I only hear from him like maybe once every year and a half but yeah he's a good dude I just remember we like were like oh Bryson's famous now we didn't know how anything worked like yeah

Speaker 2 We were like, ah, he's fucking Seinfeld.

Speaker 2 For a long time, it was like if you won Funniest Person in Austin, you would get a TV credit out of it. You used to get Gotham.
Yeah. And then you would get New Faces back when it was like New Faces.

Speaker 2 You know, where there was like the Masters and then the fucking New Faces or whatever, but there was 10 slots. That was it.
Oh, really? And it was a big deal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, like, I think Bryson was like the first guy to not get either out of winning the festival. Yeah.
Because Lucas got it, right?

Speaker 2 He got at least

Speaker 2 Gotham, right? Lucas got Gotham years prior to that.

Speaker 2 It wasn't for Funniest Person. No, Austin used to send two people to like

Speaker 2 two Austin guys would get Gotham and like one of them would get new faces like every year for a two or three year run leading up to me and Bryson moving to Austin.

Speaker 2 And then the year we got there, like that just sort of fell out.

Speaker 2 Did you guys check this fucking Santa Claus? There's a ton of Gatan in here. This is like

Speaker 2 a super chill room. Yeah, yeah.
This is where Danny's. It's got sort of an Asian slash New York Yankees theme.
Is that like the Memoirs of a Geisha poster like to kind of like accompany the katana?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's the kind of.
Well, he put it up with the katana.

Speaker 2 It's a giant hole in the wall. That's how he's going to use it.
Distracting structure. Memoirs of a geisha is my favorite movie.
Is it? Yeah, dude. What's your favorite part?

Speaker 2 When they fuck the geisha. Did you see her tits? I've never seen it.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Do you know the name of that Japanese movie that's like Seven Years of Pleasure or something? That's like...

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 There's like an extended penis-licking scene. Oh, tight.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's just pornography. Oh, yeah, dude.
Which is weird because Japanese porn always has this blurred.

Speaker 2 Why is that? They got weird pubes. Yeah.
It's straight. Straight pubes.

Speaker 2 Well, it's because they all want to fuck computers. So

Speaker 2 digital. It's like their USB.

Speaker 2 It adds to it for them. All the cubes look like the Beatles, kind of.

Speaker 2 Like a Beatles.

Speaker 2 No, let him finish this, whatever this stupid fucking thought is. That was just the thought.

Speaker 2 Like, you mean like the bull cuts? Yeah. Yeah, wait a second.
They don't even look like the Beatles.

Speaker 2 They look like flat iron hair. Yeah, it looks like

Speaker 2 a Beatles. They look like Young Einstein.
You guys remember that movie?

Speaker 2 I never saw anything it looks like. It's bad.

Speaker 2 Guys, you've seen the most

Speaker 2 young Einstein.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I was thinking of young Frank and Seinfeld. That's a good one.
That's a good one. Young Einstein's better.
I'm going to wash my hands. Do you guys mind? No, no, please.

Speaker 2 I blasted a sig and it's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What's Young Einstein? Let's guess.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, well, wash his hands.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like. It's a program for kids to learn C

Speaker 2 and stuff. No, that's baby Einstein.

Speaker 2 Young Einstein is

Speaker 2 I'm going to say it's like a prestige drama for a streaming service, and Einstein's hot, and he's got a fucking.

Speaker 2 It was like an Australian movie where, like, this guy was supposed to be like, I don't know why it was called young Einstein, because I don't think he was actually supposed to be Einstein because he was Australian.

Speaker 2 But it was like an action movie. They just, like, they're, they're like, they were like, oh, he's, uh, Einstein's Austrian.
They're like, oh, I know Austria. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was like the scope. Like kangaroos.

Speaker 2 It was the scope of like

Speaker 2 Hudson Hawk, you know, like one of those like weird, off-brand kind of

Speaker 2 superhero

Speaker 2 dumb, dumb movies. Like Blank Man.
Yeah. Blank Man was good.
Hey, what was the thing this week where Alex Jones said that Australia wasn't real?

Speaker 2 Oh, I missed that. I don't know.
I mean,

Speaker 2 there's so much Alex Jones content to fucking go through. I feel like he sold out.
Yeah. He's already did.
He apologized for the Pizzagate shit. Which is crazy.
He apologized for the

Speaker 2 new

Speaker 2 town with the shooting? New Town? Newton? No. He didn't apologize for that.
No, he's still hanging on to that one. Yeah, he is.
False flag.

Speaker 2 You know, I'm born on the same. He's born February 11th.
That's my birthday. Shit.
Me and Alex Jones, dude. Yeah.
Damn. Same guy.
I wonder what he would have to say about that.

Speaker 2 You think it's false flag? Probably, yeah. Mm-hmm.
I think I wasn't born on false job. False slag.
You don't exist. Yeah, dude, I'm not real.
Oh, no one has the same birthday as me.

Speaker 2 I don't have a birthday. If you say I have a birthday, I will fight you.
I heard that Alex Jones is actually comedian Richard Jenny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But instead of he faked his death and then he became Alex Jones. Richard Jenny and Paul Verzee have like the same exact voice.
It's so funny.

Speaker 2 I think it's Will Sasso. I think it's like a Will Sasso character.

Speaker 2 We're talking about Sasso on the last F. Yeah.
I love when Sasso comes up, dude. But he became a Vine star.
Yeah. And then they got rid of Vine.
He's good at it. The Lemons were real funny.

Speaker 2 The Lemons. The Lemons.
I remember the Lemons. I went back and watched all the old Sasso Steven Seagal

Speaker 2 sketches.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were fucking great. Rich Seagal's Letterbox 2000.
You remember that one? When are we going to start talking shit on Wardell?

Speaker 2 I'm just trying to appease the subreddit.

Speaker 2 I do like editing tricks where you play the podcast backwards. Oh, okay.
And it's his home address,

Speaker 2 social security number and shit.

Speaker 2 I know his home address. Yeah.
I do too. It's pretty funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We did a little Brendan shit talking on the last one. Yeah.
Yeah. I just heard your subreddit hates him.

Speaker 2 Kind of, yeah.

Speaker 2 he blames us for it, but it's like a lot of people hate you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. It's just the internet.
I don't know what the fuck. He's got a lot of enemies.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's gay. Yeah, no, it's so funny to look at the comments on the episode of Chapo Trap House that he was on, where people are like, I cannot believe this.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I'm seriously considering deleting my subscription and never listening to this podcast again.

Speaker 2 I want to go on. But those dudes love him, dude.
They're like always

Speaker 2 excited, you know? Yeah, well, they're very nice guys. Yeah.
They're good dudes. Yeah, they're really.
Shouts out. Why Dick Willie, Big Dick Felix.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are the other ones? Matt? Matt?

Speaker 2 Actually, they don't get their names until they come on. I'm a Greywolf.
Are you? Yeah, you subscribe. Yeah, dude.
Heavy Dick Andy's a fucking Grey Wolf.

Speaker 2 I joined the Democratic Socialist. I did all of it.
I'm over there. These guys just got the roast, dude.
I didn't join. I'm like the honorary president.
Yeah, he is. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 You don't have to join.

Speaker 2 There's all these people trying to shame the DSA for being vaguely associated with me. That was going on two weeks ago on Twitter.

Speaker 2 That's so stupid. Yeah, I know.
The president of,

Speaker 2 I think, like someone in the national office for the DSA had to post on Facebook, I don't know who the fuck Mr.

Speaker 2 I don't know who this is.

Speaker 2 I think it'd be tight if when the socialist government takes over, you're just like affiliated with it. Like it's clearly corrupt.
I'm going to be in the cultural office. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You get a dash outside. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The czar of trolling, trolling, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 2 For the DSA. That'd be pretty sweet.
That is your fucking lot in life. That would be your fucking.
That's the way you're the best at in the world is trolling.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but no, the alt-right guys are better at trolling than anybody else. I think you're, dude, don't sell yourself shit.
Because they just do offensive shit. It's not even like very.
No, they do.

Speaker 2 The shit 4chan polls is pretty cool. See, I don't know that universe.
Yeah, like when

Speaker 2 that report came out, the British intelligence report or whatever.

Speaker 2 The PGAT, yeah. And then they got people, they got people,

Speaker 2 but they were telling people that they planted the story, and that got traction, and that was like impressive. Yeah, yeah.
The amount of people they got. Roman.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, Pizzagate is them.

Speaker 2 That's amazing. That's hilarious.
Yeah, yeah. It's a great troll.
But also, they show a lot. They used to do a lot of child port on that.
On fucking 4chan. 4chan, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They also love that also. I wasn't saying they were good.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you're endorsing

Speaker 2 all right. No, as the president of the DSA,

Speaker 2 you can't be doing shit like this. Right.
Well, I'm trying to

Speaker 2 DSA in a new direction.

Speaker 2 This is an official stance of the DSA.

Speaker 2 You got to get a meme of

Speaker 2 Pepe, like a Pepe with a Rose. Oh, I got a tattoo.

Speaker 2 You know, in American History X-Rays, I got to send up a signal, and he takes his shirt off and exposes the swash. Oh, welcome.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I'm just covered in

Speaker 2 tattoos. Yeah, that's cool.
I see.

Speaker 2 All different frogs or just Pepe's? Every kind of frog. WB frog.

Speaker 2 I know my baby. I know my dad.

Speaker 2 Is Blake Anderson? Because didn't he start a clothing line that was all Pepe's? Yeah, yeah, right before it became a Pepe. Yeah, Brandon has like 25 shirts that are covered in Pepe's.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because Pepe was like a nice, harmless, fun game.

Speaker 2 It's from a comic called Boys Club. Yeah, it's Matt.
What's his name? I don't know. I forgot.

Speaker 2 I forget the name of the guy that did the comics, but

Speaker 2 there was one specific panel that became like a 4chan meme 10 years ago, and it's one where

Speaker 2 he's crying. No, it's like there's...

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 2 That was me slapping at him. The Pepe character, they're all roommates.
It's like a dog and a frog and a chicken or something. They're all roommates together.
And

Speaker 2 the dog goes into the bathroom and Pepe is like at the toilet and he's got his pants all the way down pissing and he's holding his shirt up and the dog's like what the fuck and then he like tells the other roommates and the other roommates are like yo i heard you pull your pants all the way down to pee when you go to the bathroom and then pepe is like yeah it feels good man that's right feels good man yeah yeah like that the feels good man was like the does that make pepe a cuck uh what pulling his pants all the way down yeah you know it makes it either feels good if it's like an assertive thing and he's not you know he's checking that's alpha actually yeah yeah pull your pants all the way down when's that star have you guys ever done that in a bathroom?

Speaker 2 No one ever did that. It was for I think I did that when I was a little kid, like as a joke.
No, the LD kids would pull their pants all the way down to LD kids. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So people know and look at their day kids. They're looking at their ass.
They're separating them at school. All right, all the LD kids

Speaker 2 come to the auditorium. Yeah, you got to check out your wiener.
I'm sorry, but your son has a pissing disability.

Speaker 2 LD.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 no, somebody posted on Twitter a picture of like some black guy to your

Speaker 2 pants all the way down his ankles, and the caption was just, is this legal?

Speaker 2 That does provide an interesting legal conundrum. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It must be.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it says.

Speaker 2 Because you're exposing your ass unnecessarily. You need like a courtroom drama about it called A Time to Piss.

Speaker 2 Now I want you to imagine that urinal was what? Let's get zooted and write that screenplay.

Speaker 2 All right. Order some fucking...
Acocaina.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah, well. You got to make the pilot over the time to piss.
I'll go and yelp. Are you fiending?

Speaker 2 For what? For,

Speaker 2 you know, a little bit of...

Speaker 2 Why? I don't know.

Speaker 2 You just kept

Speaker 2 mentioning. You were fiending for it earlier.
You said earlier. I never said that.

Speaker 2 You said you would suck a dick.

Speaker 2 You did suck anyway. You said you would suck a dick to kill the time until your cocaine arrives.

Speaker 2 I'm so bored right now, I could suck a dick. I wish I had cocaine to go with this dick that I'm sucking.
I wouldn't suck a dick for cocaine. I'd suck it for the DSA, for socialism.

Speaker 2 The DSA. Yeah, exactly.
I'd suck a dick for Bernie in a second. He's in a dick sucking.
Now, imagine Bernie's not involved. Would you just suck a dick? No, no.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to suck a dick to make the world a better place. What if a hot-ass guy with a beautiful brown dick comes out? He's in Erewhon right now.
In Erewhon, right now?

Speaker 2 Would you blow a guy in the kombucha aisle of a broken business? I would blow a guy if

Speaker 2 I needed another $6 bulletproof coffee. Hell yeah.
Yeah, I'm addicted to them shits, dude. I can't get it.
Sav and I have got

Speaker 2 butterless coffee in the middle of the morning. I used to make them every morning.
They're fucking.

Speaker 2 If you could set up a little sample station in there that's just like high-quality, like some kind of animal semen. And the semen wouldn't be real.
It would be fake, honestly. Totally.

Speaker 2 Oh, at the coffee station. You'd be like, there's antioxidants in it.

Speaker 2 At the coffee station, they have these little vials, and there are these two guys that bought them, and they were sipping on them, and I'm like, what are those?

Speaker 2 And they're like, it's minerals from the ocean, and I'm like, is it good? They're like, no, it's just, we're just drinking sea water. They put just sea water in vials and then sold them for 10 years.

Speaker 2 Yeah, those people are snake oils.

Speaker 2 You're not supposed to drink salt water. I know.
It's bad for you, right? Yeah. Dude, you should set that up, though.
The little cum station. The little tasting station.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You ever see that video of Chris Chan drinking his own cum with the fan? Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you haven't. You sent it to us.
I did. I think I did send it to you.
I haven't looked at it. He drinks it with Fanta? Yeah, he drinks it with Fanta because he couldn't find chocolate syrup.

Speaker 2 So you should try it with different things. Yeah.
Well, he drinks it out of one of those.

Speaker 2 Triminic?

Speaker 2 I don't know. It was like Robitussen cum.
Yeah, well, Robitus and cum. Yeah.
If you had to. Is that the name for those? Triminic is just another cough syrup.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 If you had to ingest semen somehow, what would you mix it in with? Or would you just do it? Other common.

Speaker 2 Even more jizz.

Speaker 2 Just lots of jizz. Yeah, I would just, you know, just drink

Speaker 2 shot. Yeah, right.
I'd probably put in some tapioca pudding. No, that seems so much worse.
That is more common. Then you have to eat it.
Yeah, but you don't know, you know.

Speaker 2 You get it over.

Speaker 2 Like, do you do the, you eat mushrooms a lot, probably, Andy, right? Well, I don't do anything now, but I used to. Yeah, I'm much sober now.
Yeah. I I mean, you probably,

Speaker 2 pal.

Speaker 2 No, I used to just eat. I didn't mind the flavor.
I used to fucking eat it. I never understood people.
People were like, they were saying it's the

Speaker 2 so gross. I was like, it tastes like dirt.
It's

Speaker 2 a vaguely sour taste. Yeah, I put them shits in a little peanut butter sandwich.
Yeah, but you're a morbidly obese person. I just kind of want to eat it.
You put every

Speaker 2 peanut butter sandwiches in a little peanut butter. Yeah, I never, like, the first time I did mushrooms, somebody was like, they're so gross.

Speaker 2 And then I took a bite and I was like, these don't taste like anything. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Just drugs. Tastes like a dry.
That's the main, that's the number one drug I miss. Mushrooms? Mushrooms? Yeah.
More than acid? I never did acid. Oh, acid's way better.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to, I haven't. It'd be cool to relapse on acid.
Just to be like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just want to relapse. Because actually, like, psychedelics like acid have been used to treat.
Well, I did think about for a while getting off my antidepressants and just micro-dosing.

Speaker 2 Well, I noticed that. I don't know anybody who's successfully done it.
I know a dude who works on Wall Street, and he micro-doses three days a week, and he's like, he seems like he's doing great.

Speaker 2 That's what Wall Street 2 is about, right? Yeah, do you guys know anybody who's ever done that one? Like Eba Gain? Do you know that one? It's like a crazy ass. It's like a four-day.

Speaker 2 You sell it at that grocery store.

Speaker 2 Probably. But no, it's like you have to be like monitored, and then you like, you like, it's like it gets people to kick heroin.
Holy shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you think about that? I'm addicted to that. No, no.
Oh, look at. Oh, Adam's pissing with his ass.

Speaker 2 I just saw his fucking... Yeah, I saw the fucking ass fist.
His ball. His ball side.

Speaker 2 Yes, you can, dude.

Speaker 2 You gotta pull your shirt up. Yeah, pull your shirt up.
There you go. Oh, nice, dude.
He's got a cute butt. You do have a cute little butt.
You literally do have a woman's ass. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I could fuck you in the ass with no problem.

Speaker 2 Seriously, like, I'm kind of. There was a peanut butter sandwich involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that.
I'd eat your ass with a fucking peanut butter sandwich, dude.

Speaker 2 I don't get what everybody says about eating ass. You know, it just tastes like dirt.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Personally, I like to

Speaker 2 in the ass and then suck them out of the ass. Nothing.

Speaker 2 That would probably create a pretty weird trip, I'd imagine. Yeah, you would put mushrooms up.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't like mushrooms because every time I've been on mushrooms, the best I feel is like good for me. I'm not freaking out right now.
Right, right, right. Honestly, I'm so over mushrooms.

Speaker 2 They suck. Really? I like them, dude.
Yeah. I'm a fan.
Really? You're not there. Blow as someone that doesn't drink is so chill.
I did blow. I've only done blow twice, but only once, really.

Speaker 2 And I was not drinking. We were in Sagas? It was in Vegas.

Speaker 2 It was like for the writer's room that I was in. They like, we had an end of a season party.
We had

Speaker 2 the hotel room from the hangover. When was this? I thought you, because you were sober when I met you.

Speaker 2 I just didn't drink. Oh, okay.
And then I actually did drink a little bit, but I just, I never was great at drinking. Oh, so you fell off the wagon in D.C., yeah.
Yeah. I like started like dabbling.

Speaker 2 It never got bad. Okay.
But then that's the rare guy who dabbles and it doesn't get it got like sad. Like I couldn't do stand-up at all with any amount of alcohol in me.
Oh, wow. Really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was so weird. I can't do stand-up remotely.
I'll be high. I did, but I did a stand-up.

Speaker 2 I actually, I've been talking about this a lot lately. My career has taken a real dip since I quit smoking weed.

Speaker 2 All I did was smoke weed. I did did my comedy, my half hour was high.
Really? Yeah, my Conan, I was high. Yeah, you love cheese, you love pot.

Speaker 2 I was all the time high. And then I quit, and people were like, this is square and get him out of here.

Speaker 2 Just pretend to smoke weed. She'd be like, oh my god, dude.
Dude, I'm so fucking good.

Speaker 2 You know what Doug Benson's never smoked weed? Yeah, I heard. Really? There are Benson Truthers out there.
I went on the 30s. Who doesn't agree, dude? Doug Benson.
Yeah, Doug Benson doesn't exist.

Speaker 2 I did.

Speaker 2 I went to Jamaica with

Speaker 2 and Doug Banson.

Speaker 2 That's amazing.

Speaker 2 I want to go on tour with Insane Clown Posse and then just pretend to drink the Fago the whole time

Speaker 2 and just push it back into the bottle, and then they beat the shit out of me when they find out that I haven't actually been drinking the Faygo. You guys should see the game.
They call you the Fago.

Speaker 2 Live Come Town at

Speaker 2 Juggalos.

Speaker 2 That would actually help the numbers, probably. For sure.
Yeah, there's so much love in the Juggalos. Because

Speaker 2 every fucking comic I know

Speaker 2 has thought they independently discovered the gathering of the juggalos and they're like, I'm going to get booked for this. Wait, they had comics, I gather.
I know they did. Hannibal's Hannibal did.

Speaker 2 But I mean, years ago, I remember like seven years ago, like numerous people were trying to get booked for the gathering. All right, all right.
It was after the

Speaker 2 once SNL did a

Speaker 2 spoof of it, it's like obviously we all know

Speaker 2 people were still being like, Can you believe this? Right, right, right. Yeah, I mean, I

Speaker 2 my first exposure to Insane Clown Posse was my stepsister's boyfriend, like, came, brought an Insane Clown Posse DVD over to show. Yeah.
And,

Speaker 2 you know, at 16, I was like very susceptible to

Speaker 2 like, I probably could have been like, wow, this is cool. And I remember like five minutes in, I was like, this is incredibly fucking stupid.

Speaker 2 You really dodged the bullet. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that would have been awful. I would have loved it.
There's a Juggalo kid in my

Speaker 2 kid in my high school. There's just one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Vegas seems like a good home for some. Yeah, yeah.
There was one.

Speaker 2 His name is Phil, and he used to come up to me and my friend Alex, and he'd just go like, Sieghaul Bish, Hitler was right, and then walk away.

Speaker 2 What did he say? I was friends with. I was like, well, you learned German.
That's pretty impressive.

Speaker 2 There was a lot of German. There was a lot of juggalos in fucking Maryland and fucking shitty ass, like, kind of between Baltimore and Annapolis, that kind of reached that corridor.

Speaker 2 There was just a ton of fucking... Columbia, Maryland? No, not Columbia.
Fuck, what was that mall called? There was a whole. I know what you're talking about.
The one that has the hard rock at it now?

Speaker 2 The Anna Rundle Mills. Yeah, no, Arundel Mills.
There was another one that was even shittier. What the fuck was it called?

Speaker 2 Anyway, I went to just see if it just had Juggalo stands everywhere, and it was like. What are Juggalo stands? They would sell

Speaker 2 kiosk at a mall. A soda machine? Oh, they'd sell you like a shirt that

Speaker 2 was way too long at a clown festival. Exactly.
Ready to smoke batteries.

Speaker 2 Today, Sav and I.

Speaker 2 Sav and I saw a claw machine on Fairfax where a group of Asian

Speaker 2 children huddled around. That was

Speaker 2 like a claw machine just for Yeezy shoes. And they were just putting their popping quarters in to win a Yeezy shoe.
It was clearly a scam.

Speaker 2 I don't understand why people are so like, you can get the nicest fake Yeezys for like $30. Oh, I have fake Yeezys, yeah.
How much did you pay for them? My friend got them for $20.

Speaker 2 These are in the Philippines? No, New Jersey. Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They don't look that good. No, this suck.
These are bad.

Speaker 2 Plus, also, the other Adidas, like the other just boost, are just as cool, if not cooler looking than the Easy. I agree.
I don't think Yeezy's. I like the Ultra Boost.

Speaker 2 The Ultra Boosts are kind of weird looking. But

Speaker 2 the ones I just got are sick. Yeah.
The Anikis,

Speaker 2 they look like Sambas at the top and boosts on the bottom. Is that

Speaker 2 something in Greek? Yeah, it's the N-word. Is it? No, it doesn't mean anything.
What's the N-word in Greek? There's no real N-word. We just say it's Janis onto complete.
How dare you?

Speaker 2 What do you say to like, like, what do you call refugees?

Speaker 2 Just the regular N-word. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 But Greek people learn the N-word to call serious refugees. I guess in China the N-word is like a real, like, common word.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It means like animals. Yeah, it's a fan.
By the way. Yeah, well, in Mandarin, yeah.

Speaker 2 My friend.

Speaker 2 they do it a lot, yeah. And my friend went there.
It's like yada, yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 We all want to, real bad.

Speaker 2 That's what that. When you do it, you're speaking Mandarin.
It's actually

Speaker 2 cultural and good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a cultural. The Trinidad James song.

Speaker 2 All Gold Everything. It's just Mandarin shit.
He's just saying, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. All gold everything refers to like the cat that waves at you in front of the restaurant.

Speaker 2 Also, that song, Bruno Mars straight up just stole that from him and everyone, don't believe me, just watched. Who cares? Fuck.
I care. That's kind of dead James.
All right.

Speaker 2 Isn't that what popular music is? Is somebody stealing a hook and

Speaker 2 he just stole like

Speaker 2 what's the

Speaker 2 Robin Thick song? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That was just like

Speaker 2 five different songs and we all forgave it because we saw Emily Rodriguez.

Speaker 2 I beat off that video so many times. It was life-changing.

Speaker 2 It's just the most beat-offable video of all time. Even got to the little Wayne parts.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, it was tough because you didn't want to come without making the eye contact part. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You didn't want to. I don't think in Garth.

Speaker 2 The controversy surrounding that video was when I was like, I don't want to live in this world anymore.

Speaker 2 What was the controversy? That it was like the song was like rapey. I think that was the first time I heard the term rapey.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what was it? Because the weird blur lines. The lyrics are like.
I want to fuck your pitch. It's like, I'm going to say that.
I will you, bitch.

Speaker 2 Even though, well, no, it's like, I can kind of tell you when a fuck. That's what blurred lines are.
It's because you're drunk. It's like consent.
It's the

Speaker 2 consent. For that world, that's probably how things go out there.
Like, there's no feminists running around like Budicon in fucking Vegas, I don't think. In Vegas, which Budicon? Or is it Hakasan?

Speaker 2 Hakazan. Hakazan.
What's Hakazan? It's like the club. Ultra Club, Ultra Lounge,

Speaker 2 like Diplo and fucking Tiesto and all those. Have you been to a Vegas club before? I would

Speaker 2 have told you.

Speaker 2 I will go out to Vegas and I will pay for bottle service even though I don't drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is the funnest shit. You can smoke.

Speaker 2 You can smoke it. You can smoke and you get a private area that nobody else is allowed in, but you can invite girls in.
And it's like, it's just fun.

Speaker 2 You put on fucking, I mean, people don't wear suits anymore. Yeah, you stripey shirts.
Well, everybody dresses now like they're on like Melrose or Fairfax. It's all like Xanaro pants.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's all hypey shit. Stuce C shirts.
You got to put on suits, boys.

Speaker 2 That's why you got to go to Galaxy. That's bag is for boys.

Speaker 2 Or no, you saw that video. You got to go to Prim, Nevada.
Oh, yeah. State line? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Go do some outlet shopping.
Yeah. Oh, hell yeah.
Ride that roller coaster. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the bunny ranch. You guys want to go to the bunny ranch together? I don't know, dude.
That's hella far away. That's the city.
Extremely sexist. Prostitution is legal.

Speaker 2 It's not legal or excuse me. I don't want to go

Speaker 2 exploit women. No, no, no.
It's the only.

Speaker 2 but you can call girl, right? Yeah, yeah, but it's not legal. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 What? Prostitution is legal in every county in Nevada except Clark County, which is where we are. This is where Vegas is.

Speaker 2 So have you ever fucked a prostitute in Vegas? I remember I was driving through Nevada one time, and I was in the middle of fucking nowhere, and there was a sign. It's just the desert.

Speaker 2 There's a sign on the side of the road, just spray-painted brothel. And it's pointing down the road to two trailers at the end of a dirt road.
And it was like, it's like in McCabe and Mrs. Miller.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? Chippies? What do they call them? Chippies? He just bought a couple flat bitches at the beginning of that movie. Yeah, yeah.
He's like, I want to buy four chippies.

Speaker 2 What's that? What movie? McCabe and Mrs. Miller, the Robert Altman movie, Warner Baby.
Is it good? Oh, it's one of the best. It's really good.
I gotta watch it.

Speaker 2 I love it when I find out about a movie like that. That's really good.
Have you ever seen, man? Leonard Cohen.

Speaker 2 Nah, dude.

Speaker 2 Just MIB3. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
What if I only saw MIB3 and I was like, man, I wish they would have made more of these. Yeah, I want to know the prequels.

Speaker 2 What happened before?

Speaker 2 God, they should have done prequels.

Speaker 2 It's like you got your memory erased. That's just

Speaker 2 an allegory for ICE, though. That's all that movie is.
The immigration shit. Yeah, it's just all propaganda for me.
But they're like cool.

Speaker 2 They're not like super. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 They just want to keep out the bad ombre. Except one.

Speaker 2 Vincent D'Onofrio, meaning the Italians. The Italians are bugs.
First, we let them in, and then we let everybody in the middle.

Speaker 2 It would be awesome if there was like Men in Black 4, and it's just clearly the Trump administration's propaganda. That was just a bunch of funny things.

Speaker 2 An amazing performance by D'Onofrio, by the way. Disgusting.
When he was like the bug guy,

Speaker 2 can I have a glass of water? He was really weird. D'Onofrio is a really weird guy.
He's a great actor. He got the Oscar for that that year.
Yeah, he did. He did.
Best actor. Bug guy.
Bug guy.

Speaker 2 Bug actor. They made a special category.

Speaker 2 Best guy in Men in Black.

Speaker 2 You know, he was good in Apocalypse now. Or Full Metal Jacket.
Hell yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a good actor. See, fucking Law and Order, Criminal Intent.
Hell yeah. Carried that bitch for like six years, dude.
Law and Order, you can watch. I was in Law and Order.
I was on an episode.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Criminal Intent.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I played a juror in

Speaker 2 a gay. Are you background or? Yeah, background.
There was a homophobic hate crime. Nice.
He got prosecuted or found guilty. Did you vote not guilty? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I was like the juror that would like the hanging on. Oh, that was like 12 angry people.

Speaker 2 It was like a speaking role. No, no, no.
I just thought that was a good idea. You took that into it.

Speaker 2 I was telling him multiple times to stop saying

Speaker 2 not guilty.

Speaker 2 I was a background on Blue Bloods. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 And yeah, I've told this story on the show before, but I met Donnie Wahlberg, and there was a guy, there was this old black guy who was just in everybody's ear the whole day, like a career background guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, those are the worst. Career background people might be the saddest.
You know, I'm a professional actor.

Speaker 2 You know, he's like telling some poor girl that he like cornered, you know, and he's like, you know, I mean, there was, you know, some people say, and I was just in and out hearing him, but you know, stuff like, you know, and I told her, you know, well, okay, that's fine, say whatever you want, but next time you're going to be working for me, you know, like just that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 And he's 62. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's like the, that's like all those people that Tim and Eric would get to kind of be like those are those people who are just just like

Speaker 2 desperate. Desperate.
I'll tell you a story after we finish with this in that regard. Remind me.
Okay. I don't want to fucking.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not doing it. It's fucking cool.
That's cool. Yeah, yeah.
But

Speaker 2 yeah, this guy was going off saying about how him and Donnie Wahlberg are like friends or whatever. And then Donnie Wahlberg walks by and he goes,

Speaker 2 Good morning, Donnie.

Speaker 2 And Donnie Wahlberg just looks at him. He's like, I've been seeing too much of you around here, Lawrence.

Speaker 2 And fucking just walks away. He's like, Donnie Wahlberg, man.
That guy,

Speaker 2 he's had a rough one. Yeah.
Has he? Well, he was NKOTB. He beat up the Vietnamese right after he saw Lawrence.
No, Donnie was the normal one. But he was NKOTB.

Speaker 2 I think then he got into drugs because he's only had like, he had Blue Bloods, and then he had what? Saving Private Ryan, Ramsix Samson.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I guess he's had some.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's

Speaker 2 been Wahlbergers. They won the Emmy for that.

Speaker 2 No, Donnie's a great actor.

Speaker 2 Donnie's a better actor than Mark Wahlberg. Really? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
All right. It's just Mark Wahlberg has better star quality, and that's like, I mean, you know, we talked about it.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like the Mark Wahlberg of the podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe they're technically better podcasters, but I'm just fucking a leading man.

Speaker 2 You're the other one. The Kramer.
He says the N-word on the other. I'm the Kramer of the podcast.
You're Elaine. I'm Elaine.
Yeah. Yeah, you're the fucking girl.
But we, but

Speaker 2 in this version of Seinfeld, they all fuck Elaine every time, every episode. Jesus.

Speaker 2 Wow. You get to be Jerry.
Hell yeah, dude. I'll take it.

Speaker 2 You guys really ramp this up when we have a guest.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shut up, bitch. Is this how it always is? Or like when you guys do it in New York, is there like a more formal studio? No, no, it's all in the game.
We hang out in mics.

Speaker 2 I listen to Cometown, and so I was always, you know. Yeah, we usually hang out with the women.
Well, we usually do the Anthony Coomi studios at the top of the Empire State Building.

Speaker 2 Well, I went an anecdote about background guys. Oh, there was this insane guy in Austin.
This guy that would do open mics.

Speaker 2 And the first time I saw him, this guy David, I thought he was doing a character. And I was like dying laughing because it was so fucking funny.
He gets on stage and he kind of looks like

Speaker 2 David Arquette. He's got like sort of like it resembles him a little bit, but he's got this like thousand-yard stare and he's got his like notes on the stool.
And he's like, um,

Speaker 2 I uh

Speaker 2 I read a news story about a high school basketball game where

Speaker 2 one one team beat the other team 100 to nothing,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 they fired the coach of the team that won because he wouldn't apologize to the coach of the other team.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just think they should have fired the coach that lost.

Speaker 2 And he checks his notes and just moves on.

Speaker 2 He goes to the next pitch.

Speaker 2 When I started comedy, there was this crackhead named Mickey Wales that would come to the open microphone. That's a good comedy underground.

Speaker 2 Was it Christian Bales' character from the fight her? Yeah, basically, like a Puerto Rican version of that. And he would bring

Speaker 2 his girlfriend,

Speaker 2 I think she probably was a pro and also probably had some brain issues.

Speaker 2 No, like a prostitute. Oh.

Speaker 2 Like they were

Speaker 2 on the streets, probably. There was a lot of riffraff that showed up at that open mic because it was in this kind of part of town where a lot of homeless drug addicts hung out.
Where was this?

Speaker 2 Seattle, in Pioneer Square. And he would come on stage, and she would videotape every single one of his sets, and he would always run the light.

Speaker 2 They would always have to play the music and cut the mic. But

Speaker 2 at one point, he fucking had a bag, and everybody was like, What the fuck is in the bag? And they cut the mic, they turned on the music, he pulled out a bullhorn and just kept on going.

Speaker 2 Yes! Kept his act going. That's incredible.
And that's how Occupy started.

Speaker 2 That was Occupy, yeah. Mickey Wales, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So David

Speaker 2 the nut job, he moved to New York, presumably to pursue comedy or something, but um,

Speaker 2 yeah, eventually he got into like background acting, central casting, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you'll, I'll you'll just be watching Law and Order, and then there's just this cop standing there, clearly in the shot, and it's like, that's just an insane man. I know, that's what they all,

Speaker 2 I know, and it just completely takes you out of it. And when I was working on Comedy Knockout, I was like just hanging out like behind the set or whatever while the show was going on.

Speaker 2 And I look up in the stands and David's just in there and like the, you know, the audience. Yeah, that's another creepy thing.

Speaker 2 There's people that because you get paid to go sit in audiences and on enough if you go to enough sitcoms, you'll see people that it's their job to just go and sit. And

Speaker 2 they also participate, like, because there's like, they get, like, people to dance and do, like, dumb tricks. And there's people that can, like, do a funny dance.

Speaker 2 And they'll go to, like, nine sitcoms in a day. Yeah.
And just do this.

Speaker 2 I mean they can't go nine because they take like four hours that's what i love that people don't realize about tv shows because like the the thing people like to point out is like all that laughter you're hearing those are dead people and it's like well it's worse when it's like people that are still here but just dead on the inside people that are scamming the fucking disability yeah yeah they have a fentanyl

Speaker 2 hey has anybody ever said cum shot heard around the world

Speaker 2 that seems tired no that's yours go for it cool you dude i gotta go to a mic what is the original shot heard around the world Is that the Revolutionary War?

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. No, no.

Speaker 2 Is it? Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2 I thought at Lexington and Lexington, yep, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought it was that the assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Yeah, yeah.
But that happened after. I think it happened.
I think it's the Revolutionary.

Speaker 2 And then it was the Giants Homer against the Dodgers and the Brooklyn Dodgers. Yeah.
No one gives a fuck about that.

Speaker 2 Is that Reggie Miller?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was LeBron James.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 like in the 40s. What are you doing? I got my hands real itchy.
I get like itchy palms, yeah. Were you fending?

Speaker 2 A little bit, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know? For what?

Speaker 2 Jacking off, pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. My hands itchy if you jacking off.

Speaker 2 No, I think it's just like humidity or something. I don't know what does it put.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I want to do a fucking intervention, but it's you and beating off.

Speaker 2 And you you're jerking off while we're

Speaker 2 stop it. We have to just strap you in that little cross thing.
Yeah. It's funny.
We were talking about like sobriety earlier and like, you know, like people that like the

Speaker 2 point of entry for being like a sober person is just that you stopped drinking.

Speaker 2 But like, you know, when we talk to Ian and shit, and to say I'm an alcoholic and compare the things I've done to what Ian is.

Speaker 2 We have this buddy Ian, and I'd like the first time I hung out with him, he was like, you know, we started talking about being sober, and he's like, yeah, which I don't do. I'm not like a sober guy.

Speaker 2 It just happened to come up, you know, and he's like, Yeah, I'm sober too. I got like a month and a half, you know,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 from a half. Well, he's from Delaware, so

Speaker 2 just total trash. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 horrible, dumb hair, bad teeth.

Speaker 2 He looks stupid. He's like,

Speaker 2 he looks like a cracked-out Paul Giamatti. That's right.

Speaker 2 He's like,

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got a month and a half. I'm sober now, you know, and he's like,

Speaker 2 I was like, he was like, but I was sober sober for a while before that, and I was like, what happened? And he's like,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 I was just in the airport bar and I was bored and I had a beer and then,

Speaker 2 you know, and then like two weeks later, I was trying to buy crack in a nightclub and I got robbed and I was drinking like fucking

Speaker 2 hand sanitizer in a bus station. He was drinking hand sanitizer in a bus station.
I was like, what? What?

Speaker 2 Like, that wasn't, it wasn't two weeks. It was at, it was that same trip.
Yeah. He started.
He was.

Speaker 2 I kind of, I wish, like, because when I was a real drinker in college, like, I would black out and wake up in jail or just, like, you know, like, one time I woke up at a house party in like Tahoe and I had broken the toilet like

Speaker 2 with karate? Like, I don't know, but I was sitting in water and I woke up and the toilet, like, the ceramic bowl was broken in half. And I was like, uh, and I just left.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was like six, it was snowing outside. I was like in a t-shirt, but I was like, it's better than dealing with whatever I did there.

Speaker 2 Like, that's how I used to drink, but I never did that crazy. Like, I had some crazy shit happen in Central America, but it was never like.
Oh, shit. I did smoke crack.
So you were in the CIA.

Speaker 2 Oh, nice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I killed that guy. You ran the School of America.

Speaker 2 The guy who invented Norton

Speaker 2 software. Yeah, McAfee.
John McAfee. I killed him.
John McAvey.

Speaker 2 Dude, when did you smoke crack? In Belize, these guys, we were on this island called Belize, Dad.

Speaker 2 You better Belize it.

Speaker 2 Blue Streak. Belize is super fucked up.
Belize it. Yeah, it's like a war.

Speaker 2 Belize City is where you fly in and then you go to a cruise ship or one of these islands that are just basically barrier islands, like really thin strips of sand that are built on the coral bed.

Speaker 2 Well, they're natural. But

Speaker 2 Belize City is like...

Speaker 2 They got cable in Belize and everybody just saw gangster rap. And it's like Jamaica.
It's like everybody's like, yeah, people kill each other all the time. God damn.
There's guns everywhere.

Speaker 2 Why are you in Belize? Because it's right next to Guatemala. And I was doing a language program.
And basically, that's what we want to create with the DSA.

Speaker 2 A situation like that, but with only white people. But Belize is super Belize is super weird because

Speaker 2 it's an English colony. So they got Indian people, Chinese people,

Speaker 2 people that descended from African slaves that literally escaped off the boat. They jumped off slave ships and then hid in the jungle at Carl Gari Funa.
And then

Speaker 2 Mayan people, which are like the people who who live there, and then Amish people randomly. There's Hella Amish people.
Really? Yeah, that came from like Campbell.

Speaker 2 So it's like an experiment in diversity, and it's completely failed.

Speaker 2 It's what Breitbart bases there.

Speaker 2 It's very interesting.

Speaker 2 Every asterisk in a Breitbart article just leads to Belize.

Speaker 2 No, but it's like, it's bizarre because if you go to Belize City, you can't walk around at night.

Speaker 2 El Salvador is sick. Yeah, but you can go parts of Los Angeles.
You can't walk around at night. No, but this is different.
Like, you'll just get killed. Like, in Los Angeles, you'd get robbed.

Speaker 2 You might get beat up, but they would just kill it. Like, life is cheap.
It's like Rio, you know, like where people killed. Favelas.
Yeah, it's that kind of shit.

Speaker 2 But, anyways, we were, we bought some weed from these rostas on Key Calker and legalize it. Then the second time they sold us weed.
What's Key Calker? An app? It's an island. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And then the second time they. I would imagine it sounds like an app.
Yeah, I mean. It's like where you

Speaker 2 buy Coke, but also meet other gay guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Keycocker.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, we met on Keecocker.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 it's just like a little, like, it's like a three-mile-long, maybe like 200-yards-wide island.

Speaker 2 It's beautiful, but so we bought weed the second time, and the sack was like really short. And we were like, come on, man.
And the guy was like, shut up, boy.

Speaker 2 And, you know, like just telling us to fuck off. And we kept on persisting, like, nah, come on.
We've been cool.

Speaker 2 And he goes, okay, i'm gonna roll up the expensive smoke we're like okay cool and then we're in this bar and he like rolled a joint across the room and then he was like come over here and we like hit it and i was like this this isn't like weed at all there's no weed in this it's just like tobacco and something that tastes like marshmallows and i took it one more and then i was like what the fuck is this and he's like it's when you cook the cocaine up in a rock

Speaker 2 all right yeah and i stopped and my friends kept smoking it and i was like what are you doing and they're like well we already smoked a little crack.

Speaker 2 But the problem was, like, crack.

Speaker 2 It's bullshit. It's not, like, worse than cocaine.
It's just that poor people do it, so it ruined cocaine. Yeah, it's like the Rockefeller laws made it.

Speaker 2 seem like this uh like horrible thing yeah where like if you were like literally like a banker that got caught with a kilo you went like to thirty days in like counseling

Speaker 2 but if you got caught with like one crack rock they're like you have to go to jail and your mom

Speaker 2 because you tried saving money

Speaker 2 It really does strip once on drugs.

Speaker 2 That's terrible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you want to play the speech from Traffic that Topher Grace said, real quick? Is that the

Speaker 2 yeah, hold on.

Speaker 2 I am Topher Grace, and I

Speaker 2 was the worst Spider-Man. It's the one he gives to Michael Douglas.

Speaker 2 Burr. I'm trying to remember lines from that 70s show, and I can't remember if anyone catchphrase.
Laura, you fucking red-headed bitch. Did I do that?

Speaker 2 Lara. There you go.
Lara. Herkle should have been on every show.
And Danny Masterson was just like beating up chicks. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it a Scientology? Being a Scientologist. But he also is like in trouble because he

Speaker 2 beat up some women. Yeah.
Blue. Danny Masterson.
Blue white froed. Who did they beat up? Who did he beat up? Just some broads that were asking for it.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You already told it twice.

Speaker 2 That classic.

Speaker 2 All right. We can riff for eight more minutes on that 70 show.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Fez. You know how they were all shocking?

Speaker 2 Foreign exchange student. That's what that stood for, right? Oh, really?

Speaker 2 They named him that at Ellis Island.

Speaker 2 Man. Fez fucked.
Who's his girlfriend? Some big toothy bitch? Yeah. I don't know.
Didn't everybody fuck the sister?

Speaker 2 The hot sister? Yeah. No, Kelso fucked her.

Speaker 2 Didn't Danny Masterson fuck her? Also? Donna? No. No, Donna was a fucking asshole.
Was Donna the one from Oranges and Black Women? Yeah, yeah. Laura Prepon.
Yeah. She's looking good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I wanted to fuck her. I think she looked better.
Based off of her. I don't know.
She's kind of masculine. Yeah, she's is she gay now? She's not.
Well, she's not very attractive to me. What?

Speaker 2 She's got a manly.

Speaker 2 Is that your shit? Is it Stav? Like a girl that can take it? He likes a broad.

Speaker 2 He's like, you're not trans women. Really? No shame.
If you're one of those guys out there. I'm not shaming you at all.
I've talked about being open to the idea. Okay.
But I have not sucked any trans.

Speaker 2 He's trans curious. I'm trans curious.
Yeah, yeah. There's something like the town.

Speaker 2 Which, to be honest with you, makes me a little uncomfortable wrestling with you.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to see that little dick.

Speaker 2 Like we do. But you're not wrestling.
Because the loser has to kiss. Yeah, that's why.
The loser puts a wig on all these rules. Puts a wig on and makeup on.

Speaker 2 And I keep waiting for them. And I keep having to take hormones.

Speaker 2 It's like fucking up my emotions. I got PMS all the time now.
I'm lactating. Yeah, I don't know how to drive anymore.
Really?

Speaker 2 It turned you into an Asian person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, our lift driver.

Speaker 2 Our lift driver, she's like, you, you, in Korea Town, you could set up a lawn chair in front of the Ralphs with a glass of wine and just watch them drive.

Speaker 2 She's like, was this an old black lady? Yeah, yeah. We were like on her way to church.
Yeah, yeah. She was like, she ruled.
We were talking about Michael Jackson.

Speaker 2 She's awesome. She literally was like, be careful in Koreatown.
And we were like, oh, fuck, is it dangerous? Like, we had no idea what she was talking about. She's like, nah, they can't drive.

Speaker 2 Just like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I had a beautiful

Speaker 2 driver take me back to Koreatown. And he was like, yeah, you know, you come down here at night.

Speaker 2 It's like, sometimes I like to avoid this area because, you know, the Chinese people, they can't, they can't drink. They don't know how to drink.

Speaker 2 So I get way too drunk because, you know, it's not of their culture or whatever, but they have one, two, drink, and they pee themselves and get fights and stuff.

Speaker 2 I was like, all right, man, keep going.

Speaker 2 It is actually like, you can get like, there's a lot of like robberies in Koreatown. Yeah.
Like, yeah, like, because I think there's MS-13 and shit like that down there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Chinese go alcohol mad, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what keeps just the karate.

Speaker 2 I like that we're still on Instagram Chinese. Yeah.
All the Chinese live in Koreatown. Yeah.
Yeah. It only shows you their karate skills.
Which ones? If you have it up.

Speaker 2 You know, in Koreatown, there's Little Bangladesh, too. Oh, really? That's true.
They have like a little every type of it. It's so cool.
I mean, I think it is.

Speaker 2 It's weird, though, because they're already tiny countries.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Little Armenia, like, that's already a tiny country. Yeah, well, it doesn't.
Like, Chinatown in New York is enormous, and it's like, that's enough. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, we don't like Koreatown is like mostly just like four restaurants and a bubble tea place. In Midtown.
Yeah. Yeah, it's theirs.
But no, it's just one shop. But in

Speaker 2 two blocks. In Queens, there's a huge.

Speaker 2 That's the real Korea town. Well, no, there's a Chinatown.

Speaker 2 That's Chinese, right? And Chinese and Korean. And then Brooklyn has a Chinatown that nobody goes to.
Really? Yeah, no, it's a park. I go there all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's where you took us to get those bullshit dumplings.

Speaker 2 Fuck up. Those are really good.
One time I fell asleep on the Chinatown. I survived off of that fucking

Speaker 2 Christine's Vanessa's dumpling

Speaker 2 club around the block. No, no, Vanessa's is open.
Sunshine Dumpling is closed. No, the best place is on the best dumplings, like cheap dumplings place.

Speaker 2 You just gotta take the metropolitan. You can go all the way to China.

Speaker 2 Authentic

Speaker 2 Eastern Chinese air.

Speaker 2 It's this place, and I forget the name. It's just called like Fried Dumpling or whatever, but it's on Moscow in between Mott and Mulborough.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was featured in that show, The Night of.
Oh, yeah. And the crazy old lady that runs the place, they just let her be in the show.
Yeah, that's cool. So, yeah, Totoro's on.

Speaker 2 Four dumplings. They didn't even pay.
Yeah, five minutes.

Speaker 2 Yo, no joke. There were some good-ass dumplings in Vermont.
Some of the best dumplings I've ever had in my life. Just some lady was.
They just had like squash in them.

Speaker 2 Nah, dude, it was straight Chinese shit. She was like, just one random Chinese lady in a little fucking kiosk outside of Buy Vermont Comedy Club.
If you ever do that, look for the dumpling lady.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you listen in Vermont Comedy Club, I'm going to go. You're actually wearing the shirt.
Yeah, you're wearing the shirt.

Speaker 2 What is it? There's a goat? There's like a satanic

Speaker 2 unicorn. I don't know what it is, but it looks

Speaker 2 like a cow, yeah. Did you eat hella Ben and Jerry's when you were up there? I wanted to go to the factory so bad.
I went with my dad one time. We took our faces and like the cut-out.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We got pictures. Hell yeah, dude.
I wanted to go so bad. You know, they take you to a blue.
Use the top and use the bottom. Yeah.
And what? Ben and Jerry.

Speaker 2 They're 69. They're 69.

Speaker 2 What do they do? They're egalitarian stuff. They actually make that, they churn the ice cream in each other's assholes.

Speaker 2 A lot of people don't know that. It's like

Speaker 2 two girls, one cup.

Speaker 2 That's one of the flavors.

Speaker 2 They have a secret freezer in their house filled with flavors that only they know about.

Speaker 2 They're two of the most successful boyfriends, I think, in history, probably.

Speaker 2 Wait, they are boyfriends? Siegfried and Roy. No, Ziegfried and Roy Benjamin.
They're just

Speaker 2 Mario and Luigi. They're deadheads.
Do you think Mario and Luigi fuck? Yeah. For sure, it is.

Speaker 2 The cover story is that they're brothers, but

Speaker 2 you know Mario's not fucking that princess. He's had so many opportunities.
He's fucking that mushroom. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. From Toad.
He's pegging that mushroom up his head.

Speaker 2 He has a dick, but he puts on his strap on to fuck the mushrooms. That's how I fuck, dude.

Speaker 2 I was a little virgin.

Speaker 2 No, I can't give away my penis until marriage, so I just strap on. I'm a virgin, but I eat hella ass.

Speaker 2 There's got to be a dude out there doing that. A fun cartoon would be toad for Mario Brothers dead and suffocated inside of a condom stretched over his entire body.

Speaker 2 But just with the indentation over his mouth where he's trying to suck in for air and he can't.

Speaker 2 One of you come town heads. That would be funny.
What do you call it?

Speaker 2 I mean, it's so funny because people will send fan art and it's like absolute shit.

Speaker 2 Like, I drew that thing you asked me to, and I'm like, I'm going to put this on the fridge.

Speaker 2 The gif of you guys fucking each other in mid-the diaper jerking off. First of all, it's me fucking Nick.

Speaker 2 And it got our bodies so doubly. I mean, you're a lot fatter, probably.
No,

Speaker 2 it's the right body.

Speaker 2 I mean, in fact, it was missing a couple muscles, but whatever. Yeah, I mean, you are probably.
You need to get my fucking back. Nick was, you know, pretty muscular.
How'd you get so buff?

Speaker 2 Just a lot of pussy eating. Really? A lot of.
Because if you do it right, you start from your sternum. Because you want to, yeah, use your delts.
I use my delts to eat for me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, the amount of strength it takes to like emotional strength for him to get out of bed every morning. That's the real strength, I'd say.
That's yeah.

Speaker 2 It's tough to leave the hot girls in my bed to go do work. Well, I'll tell you what, boys are at the inn, and my ulcer is acting up.
You got an ulcer?

Speaker 2 I get like a mat, like a canker sore right on my fucking gum line. Oh, yeah.
It's excruciating. Is that why you don't smoke cigarettes? No, I just had a cigarette.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 It's probably from smoking.

Speaker 2 Your canker sores are just a virus. That's all they are.
No, it's like stress-related. It's an ulcer.
Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but it comes, but yeah. You've had them your whole life.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I hate canker sores. Yeah,

Speaker 2 it sucks.

Speaker 2 But yeah, thanks for being on the show. Thanks, Andy.
Thanks for having me. Brandon Wardell.

Speaker 2 Do you have anything you want to plug? I guess nah. Nah, yeah, that's how it goes.
All right. Thanks.