Ep. 45 – The Replacements

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Speaker 2 So I cut off your story. I'm sorry.
But

Speaker 2 I was primed to go into this bed bug story.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. We can do bed bugs.
We can talk free.

Speaker 2 I'm kind of a bed bug expert after living in Chinatown.

Speaker 3 I say leave bed bugs.

Speaker 2 We'll leave it that.

Speaker 3 We'll do intro.

Speaker 2 This is the first. So

Speaker 2 the fans of the show have been putting up with pre-recorded episodes. We did, me and Stav and Adam did probably

Speaker 2 10 episodes in like a two and a half day span. Oh my god.
So, and I did them out of order, but there was one of them that was just like,

Speaker 3 I don't know. Is it just like too dated already?

Speaker 2 It's too dated, but then also, like, I mean,

Speaker 2 you know, what kind of conversation are you going to have for literally 72 hours? The last one is just, you know, I'm pretty sure.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't remember it, but I can't imagine it's anything other than Stav just saying, like, I just, I want to fuck this bitch, but she won't, I can't, she won't.

Speaker 2 She should suck my dick for an hour and a half. And I was like, all right, solid episode.
Let me put it online for $12,000 a month.

Speaker 3 I got bangers, man. Hey, that's so cute.
Did you ever think about doing like a clip show? You remember like sitcoms back in the day? Yeah. Where they would just like have.

Speaker 2 I thought about doing that. It would be great when we don't want to record, but that's so much work to go through.

Speaker 3 It's all fresh prints. I don't even, I don't listen.

Speaker 2 I don't listen to the podcast ever.

Speaker 3 That's probably for the best, too. Yeah, just let them be.

Speaker 2 Even if it's straight, it's like, I don't want to hear my voice or, you know, think about how this is where I wound up in my life, which is a good place to be.

Speaker 2 I guess you can't fucking bitch about it.

Speaker 3 I'm happy for you. I'm proud of you, man.
Thanks, guys. I'm excited.
I'm happy to be here. Thank you.
Yeah, but

Speaker 2 yeah, so I guess I'll.

Speaker 3 This is Come Town West with different guests.

Speaker 2 I got Jamel Johnson.

Speaker 2 That's Jamel. That's me.

Speaker 3 And Dana Bell. Hello.

Speaker 2 So this is also, these are also DC Comics.

Speaker 3 Funny Moms Class

Speaker 3 2013?

Speaker 2 Yeah, 2012, 2013. Something like that.

Speaker 3 We got him in Jacket. 2014.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so this is like the Come Town West crew for this week until Adam, Adam, and Soph are coming in next week. So I guess we're going to.

Speaker 3 They couldn't stay away. Yeah, we're going to do a couple.

Speaker 2 Well, because I told them we ran out of episodes, and they were like, shit, so are you going to fly back to New York? I was like, no, I guess I'm just going to do the podcast with other people.

Speaker 2 They were like, we're buying tickets now.

Speaker 3 And they bought them that night.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because they're worried about getting replaced.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you got to hold on.

Speaker 2 You guys are both contenders to replace them.

Speaker 3 The stocks are volatile, so I'm trying to get in. It's a bear market.

Speaker 2 I'm surprised they didn't fucking do their own podcast while I was gone and try to edge me out.

Speaker 3 Because that's true. Call it the Comets or something like that.

Speaker 2 But just steal the name.

Speaker 3 Just be

Speaker 3 no.

Speaker 2 I don't know how to hire a lawyer and sue anybody.

Speaker 3 Just like the fucking Temptations. Remember when it was two sets of Temptations? No.
That was like a thing.

Speaker 2 Temptations 2?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. Like when they broke up and Eddie Rufford.

Speaker 2 First of all, what do you mean remember?

Speaker 3 This has to have happened like 45 years before. Oh, yeah, dude.
I'm talking about the fucking miniseries, the NBC miniseries. You remember that shit? No.
This was like some early 90s.

Speaker 2 Was that part of that string where they were like doing biopics about people that were still alive? Yes. It was kind of weird.

Speaker 2 Like when they made that Robin Williams movie, and it's like, he hasn't even killed himself yet. We got another five years.

Speaker 3 I didn't know there was a Robin Williams movie.

Speaker 2 There was, and it was weird because they got a guy that looked exactly like Robin Williams. And it was almost like some agent found that guy and was like, oh,

Speaker 3 my God. There's only one thing here.

Speaker 2 Here's what, yeah.

Speaker 3 Wrote the biopic himself.

Speaker 2 You're going to be young Pope.

Speaker 2 That's how that show happened.

Speaker 2 But yeah, so

Speaker 2 I haven't done a podcast in weeks.

Speaker 3 How do you feel?

Speaker 3 You seem a little warmed up, you know?

Speaker 2 Get ready to go. Well, I'm in my element, you know.

Speaker 3 He's got fully lathered.

Speaker 2 It's been a hectic couple of weeks.

Speaker 2 Life in the fast lane.

Speaker 3 At least there's new stuff to talk about. There is, but it's all bad shit.
Opinions.

Speaker 3 A lot of opinions, though.

Speaker 2 The internet was coming for me pretty hard over the weekend.

Speaker 3 For real?

Speaker 2 Yeah, which is weird because I've been off. I got kicked off Twitter like a month ago.

Speaker 3 I forgot, dog. I don't even check for you anymore.
Ever since Nicole

Speaker 3 disappeared, I was like,

Speaker 3 I don't know what to do.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, I don't understand.

Speaker 2 Like, there's been so many iterations of people

Speaker 2 going after me, you know, and they're like, explain this.

Speaker 2 And it's just like, I like to jack off, you know, on the bus or whatever. I mean, it's like, I don't, I have so much disdain for Twitter as a fucking medium.

Speaker 2 The fact that anyone could, like, at this point still try to, you know, take me to task for

Speaker 3 just. what was the end result how they nothing

Speaker 2 because I have no here's the end result is because I have no ability to respond to it it just goes away after well also like what would they can't they can't kick you off Twitter you've already been kicked off Twitter I've already been kicked off Twitter so there's nothing even to do that's right yeah it mostly became it because there's nothing to get me fired from they were like trying to get people to stop being friends with me

Speaker 3 which is like such a like don't let them come to your birthday party you're not we're having my birthday party discovery zone and you're not coming.

Speaker 2 And everyone else is coming, and you can't come.

Speaker 3 Right. And if you go to your birthday party, then it's like, that's a bad sign.

Speaker 2 That's such a fucking. You remember that shit when children would do that?

Speaker 3 Like, you can't come to my birthday party.

Speaker 2 It's like, yeah, I'm going to have to fucking buy you a present.

Speaker 3 I'm winning. Yeah.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 3 I remember we used to just go every year was bowling. You guys ever do bowling with the

Speaker 3 kiddie rails? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ari Shafira has a joke about that.

Speaker 2 He calls it the,

Speaker 2 he goes,

Speaker 2 he goes, Yeah, I was bowling, and uh, the Down syndrome kids had their own special device,

Speaker 3 and he's like, I'm not making fun of the Down syndrome kids.

Speaker 2 There's a way he says Down syndrome in that joke that's so funny to me.

Speaker 3 I was jealous of them fools, man. Yeah,

Speaker 3 you could just push the, like, they had bowling rigged, yeah. I don't understand what the point of that is, is to make you better at bowling, but you're not good at it, you're good at

Speaker 3 throwing it.

Speaker 3 I remember directing it.

Speaker 2 I remember being a kid and thinking I was amazing at bowling, but I would play with the bumpers.

Speaker 2 And then I would talk to my friends about bowling or whatever at school.

Speaker 2 You have daily bowling conversations with your friends. And I was like, yeah,

Speaker 2 I'm good at bowling. And then I remember going to friends and they didn't use the bumpers.
And I'm like,

Speaker 3 we're seven. It's like a different sport.
We're not grown-ups. It's not even a sport.
I shouldn't call it a sport. MBA-level bowling.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I used to go bowling

Speaker 2 pretty often in Austin. There was a place in Cedar Park that had like $5 all-you-can bowl.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's cool. And then shoe rental was like four bucks.

Speaker 2 So you would pay nine dollars and you could bowl for like six hours.

Speaker 3 Fuck me, I bowl all the time now. Do you? There's a spot in Koreatown, Chateau 39.
Is that the place that's all sketchy shit? I'm pretty sure they. Prostitutes?

Speaker 3 Oh, no. I was going to say a driving range.
No, they're definitely running hoes out of the fucking Chateau 39, man.

Speaker 3 They have like security outside.

Speaker 2 God inside. Imagine getting a bowling prostitute.

Speaker 2 that's fucking that's terrible that's did they just clean themselves out under over that like hand blowing

Speaker 3 the foot sprays imagine they smelled like shoes yeah yeah

Speaker 3 yeah that sounds great oh no it's a good old time you should go

Speaker 3 they're open to like

Speaker 3 it's either it's got to be last call or after last call at minimum yeah so you go fuck it up by 130.

Speaker 2 you ever get kicked out of a bowling place because the league bowling guys come in Yes.

Speaker 3 You guys have gone bowling so much more than I've ever gone bowling in my entire time.

Speaker 2 Because it's one of those things where, like,

Speaker 2 bowling's tricky because you want to be, it's a thing you're like, I could be good at bowling, right? It just seems like it seems like a thing that you could be good at if you put enough time and

Speaker 2 nobody does it yet.

Speaker 3 That's how you feel about pool. Right, exactly.

Speaker 2 Like cursive, yeah. Something that you had to do in third grade.

Speaker 3 Yeah, cursive, you've missed the boat on that. If you're not good at cursive by now, it's over.
My signature is fucking trash, too, son. Yeah.
I need to get on it. Is that cursive? I guess I think

Speaker 3 the signature is different. That's just squiggly.
You just have to make cool squiggly lines. Yeah.
Cursive is hard.

Speaker 2 I started writing in all capital letters when I was in like seventh grade or something because I thought it was badass. And I still write that way.

Speaker 3 No. Well, you can win it.
That makes a lot of sense. Does it? I feel like, yeah.
I don't know why, but I just feel like, yeah, you're an all-caps guy.

Speaker 2 The new who does that is like executives of businesses and then also homeless people on their cardboard signs. Those are the two spheres of society that use all capital letters.

Speaker 3 The best bend diagram.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think for both people, it's like if one thing had gone differently, they would have swapped lives.

Speaker 2 Oh, man, I saw the fucking funniest shit today. And the people are going to say, oh, that didn't happen or it's not real.
Adam has a lot of stories like that where he's like,

Speaker 2 I saw this shit happen. And you're like, there's no way you're that lucky that you get to see all this stuff.

Speaker 3 No, you see stuff like that all the time. I do.

Speaker 2 But I'm second to Adam in that hierarchy of people that get to see hilarious shit. Yeah.
But today, I was in downtown and I was walking behind this homeless lady who is like

Speaker 2 super fucking homeless. You know, like

Speaker 2 the pigeon bitch from Home Alone 2.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like that level.

Speaker 2 But that's the character's name. She's a guy like Burt Lapse.

Speaker 3 Why don't you go get the VHS?

Speaker 2 Wait for the credits to roll.

Speaker 2 The pigeon bitch, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, as herself.

Speaker 2 It'll come up.

Speaker 3 All right, I'll check it out.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I was walking behind this. It was like.
That's you, Pigeon Bitch.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's me.

Speaker 2 It was like this homeless black lady, and she's got like a blanket over her head and a shopping car just filled with like bags of stuff.

Speaker 2 And like, her shoes were all fucked, like, just severely homeless. And it was like starting to rain a little bit.

Speaker 2 And I'm like maybe 15 feet behind her, and this car pulls up with like these two girls in it, and they like slow down.

Speaker 2 And the girl in the passenger seat, like, rolls down the window, and she's like going through like groceries or whatever.

Speaker 2 And she pulls out like a loaf of like Ezekiel bread and like just like, like, you know, gestures out the window to hand it to her. Like, you think it's going to be this fucking like upworthy moment.

Speaker 2 And the homeless woman just looks at her and looks back and looks back again and goes, I don't need no fucking bread, bitch.

Speaker 3 You fucking hoe, and starts yelling at her

Speaker 3 on her own, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she just starts trashing the girl in the car. And she just has to, like,

Speaker 2 withdraw the bread

Speaker 3 as the friend rolls up the window and they drive away. That's amazing.

Speaker 3 One time I was at.

Speaker 2 That did a lot for me. That's how every episode of that show,

Speaker 2 What Would You Do, should end. Yes.

Speaker 3 You know that show? With that. That shit like Nickelodeon shit for me.
No, no.

Speaker 2 It's like on NBC Primetime or something.

Speaker 3 Oh, shit.

Speaker 3 That's not still on, is it?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I mean,

Speaker 2 I can't remember a time I actually ever saw it broadcast. It's like a a thing.
It was like Upworthy before there was an Upworthy, you know, or a BuzzFeed before there was BuzzFeed.

Speaker 2 Because it was like a show where they're like,

Speaker 2 he set up a restaurant and we sent a retarded guy in and tried to, he tried to read the menu.

Speaker 3 But it was called him a retard. I thought that was just a part of dateline.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And they were like, let's see what happens.
It's like, now, what if the retard was Muslim? And it's like, well, I don't even know what point you're trying to make.

Speaker 3 It was always someone being really mean to someone in a public setting and just seeing if someone would intervene. And it was like, well, you're just like

Speaker 3 being mean to someone. I don't know.
It was like a really weird setup where it wasn't like, what would you do in this situation?

Speaker 2 Well, it's not a real experiment, but it's like an idiot's understanding of what an experiment is.

Speaker 3 It's like really

Speaker 2 all they're measuring is like what portion of the population is afraid of confrontation.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's like the only real metric you could maybe get out of the show.

Speaker 3 But now I just feel like everyone just assumes when they see something like that, like in the back of their mind, they're like, this is one of those fucking shows. Yeah, like this is gonna be

Speaker 3 how I respond is gonna be on TV.

Speaker 2 Well, there should be an NBC show called I Don't Need No Fucking Bread, bitch.

Speaker 2 And it's just, what would you do? But that's the response. Whatever anyone tries to be.
Laugh at the bread bitch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're on the Jamie Kennedy experiment. That's a camera.

Speaker 3 That's a camera.

Speaker 2 That's a camera. You're a bitch.
That's a camera. The bread is a camera.

Speaker 3 I'm the opposite. I don't assume shit is fake.
I assume everything's real, and I'm going to have to testify in court.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's

Speaker 3 a good attitude.

Speaker 2 Oh, I totally walk away. There's like the amount of times I've intervened in something in my life is I could count on one hand.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the pie chart is, it's definitely, it ain't even. Yeah, I was in.
I

Speaker 3 actually,

Speaker 3 I feel like I intervene a lot.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 like, but it's always like a really obvious choice to intervene. Like

Speaker 3 my neighbor who I thought was like

Speaker 3 abusing his girlfriend. Anyway, called the cops for that.

Speaker 2 No, calling the cops is not intervening. Okay, cool.

Speaker 3 Well, I have an intervening story, which is I was in an Uber and the colour. And the cops just show up and shoot both of them.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 3 You mutilated and called the cops? Okay.

Speaker 2 We got to check the handbook, but I think we have to shoot you too.

Speaker 3 I think we just have to shoot everybody. This is how it works.
Look, I'm just doing my job.

Speaker 3 I'm afraid constantly, and I'm doing my job.

Speaker 2 They actually replaced the Academy with a DVD copy of the movie Crash, and that's how we learn how to be police officers now.

Speaker 3 It's an Oscar winner, so you know it's good.

Speaker 2 We talked about it in another episode, but it's like a whole aspect of that movie that they didn't explore is Terrence Howard's micro-penis.

Speaker 3 Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a weird movie.

Speaker 3 America needs to see that.

Speaker 2 To re-watch, knowing that Terrence Howard has a micro-penis.

Speaker 3 I don't remember anything about that movie, but

Speaker 3 I'm sure it would be better if I knew that he had a micropenis. It's a terrible movie.
It's not a good movie. You remember, you guys hear the thing about him? He's like, he made up his own math.
Yes.

Speaker 3 He wrote a book.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Terrence Howard is like a self-proclaimed mathematician. Yeah, he got really mad about one times one equaling one.

Speaker 2 And he was like... Oh, that like dumb algebra trick? Yeah.

Speaker 3 And he, I don't remember. This was a while ago, right? Yeah, he wrote a whole book about how it's 11.

Speaker 2 Basically. 1 times 1 is 11.
Yeah, so he's just not operating on base 10 mathematics. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He's doing his own thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We know where that came from is he measured his dick and it it was one inches.

Speaker 3 He was like, you know what? He was like, no, it's 11. I got an 11 in an 11-inch dick.
Fuck everybody.

Speaker 3 Man,

Speaker 3 I don't have a small dick. It's 11 inches, man.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 A lot of people didn't know about the micropenis. I got into an argument with it about it at work.
People just didn't believe me that Terrence Howard had a micropenis. We had to look it up at work.

Speaker 3 Yeah, how'd you and put it on the screen? Is there photographic evidence?

Speaker 3 You pull it up.

Speaker 2 For some reason, he just went naked in a movie, in a 50 Cents movie.

Speaker 3 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's a very easy argument to settle.

Speaker 3 Get Richard Dietryan. Is that one? Yep.
That's crazy. Terrence Harris Penis.
Yeah. Damn.
I saw that in the fucking theaters, bro. Wait, and you don't remember? Yeah, I should have remembered that.

Speaker 3 It was, I mean, it's very, it's a split second. Okay.
Oh, but somebody was like, oh, I can pause this and see it. And there it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, they turned it into a GIF.

Speaker 3 Enhance. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Enhance.

Speaker 3 Nope. Keep enhancing.
Keep going. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you guys have anything coming up? Anything you want to plug?

Speaker 3 Plugs. Is it over?

Speaker 2 No, it's not over. We've been doing this 15 minutes.

Speaker 3 We had another 45 minutes to go. I know.
I just feel like normally.

Speaker 2 I feel like there wasn't enough of an intro.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I'm still Jamal. You're Dana.
Yeah, yeah. What do I got coming up? I got a show at this weird art space April 7th.

Speaker 3 It's called Comedy and the Cut.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, you have a podcast too, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I got a basketball podcast.
What's it called? Airbuds. Airbuds.
Airbuds on SoundCloud.

Speaker 2 Do you have any? Are you worried about legal trouble with the Airbuds?

Speaker 3 I mean, I figure the plural, I'm trying to get over like vanilla ice. You know what I'm saying? One slight difference.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. We're using kind of the same color scheme, but I don't give a shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Golden.
Is that the color scheme?

Speaker 3 All golden. Goldenrod on

Speaker 3 honeysuckle. You feel me? Man, Golden Retriever had a hot run in the 90s.
Dog, 15 years of hits. Yeah,

Speaker 2 that was America's dog. And then it's somehow been replaced by Pit Bulls.

Speaker 3 That's when I was.

Speaker 2 What happened to the culture?

Speaker 3 America got fierce, man. I guess.

Speaker 2 We were too soft. Is that Trump's America?

Speaker 3 Yeah, man. His Pit Bulls? Welcome out.

Speaker 2 You ever see those pictures of, speaking of somebody who doesn't have a micro penis, of Pit Bull dancing on stage with different women he just gets his dick completely hard in his pants

Speaker 2 like dress pants yeah dancing with people

Speaker 3 and you can see him like grinding and he's just got this massive heart on i have a question as a lady though like that i mean it's not hard to not get a boner when you're is it hard to not get a boner when you're dancing with people no you have to make an effort i think pit bull right has to make an effort if he's on stage at like an iHeartMedia production to get his dick hard for like a fucking you know he thought it would be a good look.

Speaker 3 I feel like he thought it would be impressive to have a hard dick on.

Speaker 2 Which I can understand. I actually fucked with Pitbull more after I saw those pictures.

Speaker 3 Yeah, hard dick in front of like a whole crowd, like Tammy Brew and shit. I feel like his whole vibe and all of his songs

Speaker 3 make more sense. You knew who would do that.
A hard dick the whole time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you knew who would do that is an actual Pitbull.

Speaker 2 Pitbull would have its fucking pink dick out.

Speaker 3 He's living his rhymes. Yeah.
Yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I guess this week I saw Get Out.

Speaker 2 Look, this is a fast-paced podcast. We're moving it around.

Speaker 2 We got it. We got it.

Speaker 2 If you want to jump in with anything, jump in, jump out. Change the conversation.
Sure. Up.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, the key to successful podcasting, and I've learned this. Quick moves.
My six-month rise to the top right before my dramatic fall this week at the hands of

Speaker 2 Stalinists, I believe it was, on Twitter that had a problem with me. These people that like Joseph Stalin a lot.
I love being lectured on comedy by people whose like avatar is a statue.

Speaker 2 It's like some obscure fucking.

Speaker 3 Oh shit. I almost bought a Russia soccer jersey.
So you guys know I got at soccer niggas on Twitter. Oh yeah.
You know,

Speaker 3 I'm a big fan.

Speaker 3 Is that your Instagram also? No, well, I got it. Yeah, I definitely keep.
I got it on me, but

Speaker 3 Broccoli House the main. Why Broccoli House? Where does that come from?

Speaker 2 Is there a big Premier League thing going on right now? Yeah, it's just like the final season's kind of coming around.

Speaker 3 It's like the last

Speaker 3 month and a half or shit, so it's just getting tired.

Speaker 3 English sports is weird because there's no playoffs.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's just like you accumulate a password.

Speaker 3 I kind of like that more. That makes sense.
I mean, it kind of makes every game more interesting, but it's also kind of a game. But then there's no moment of...
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Because somebody could just win in February.
Yeah. And then you just have to watch three more months of fucking soccer.
Oh, that's true. Yeah, that happens sometimes.

Speaker 3 But this year's kind of good. But I was in the spot and they had a fucking like a bunch of Team Russia jerseys on clearance.
And I almost went there. I don't think I'm ready yet.

Speaker 2 My most, the most coveted track suit, if I could have any track suit.

Speaker 3 Russia.

Speaker 2 Well, the 1980 Russian Olympic tracksuit.

Speaker 3 Ooh. Is it like bright red? Yeah.

Speaker 3 With the yellow or white?

Speaker 2 I think I've only seen a couple of pictures of it online because I went looking specifically for that one. Damn.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that does sound like a lot of it. I think it's a red with a white stripe.
And I think that's like

Speaker 2 they couldn't have Adidas because they were like communist. So they couldn't have.
So they had some like Adidas knockoffs.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, something like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's the deal.

Speaker 3 How many tracksuits you got?

Speaker 2 Oh, I really only. I'm kind of opposer.
I only got two.

Speaker 2 Three pants. I have two full suits, three sets of pants.

Speaker 3 See, I'm kind of the other. I've got three jackets.
Yeah. Two pants.

Speaker 2 Well, at the time I started buying a lot of tracksuits, I didn't really have any money. So I was just wasting money on track suits.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 2 And now that I have enough money, I feel like I've leapfrogged tracksuits and I buy PlayStations and TVs and shit.

Speaker 3 You just got a room full of laser discs? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, in my head, I'm like, oh, it's a business expense, and I can't wait until I get audited.

Speaker 2 They're like, yeah, no, we're just going to take the PlayStation.

Speaker 2 We're going to take it down to the government. They have the controllers.
They turn it into the

Speaker 2 camera to spy on Syrian children, whatever they do, with PlayStations.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know. I started playing FIFA because Stob and Adam had FIFA, and I was like, oh, cool, we can play online.
And now they just come to my apartment and play FIFA there.

Speaker 2 So it was a mistake to buy FIFA.

Speaker 3 Now you just got grown-ups playing games all in your crib. Yeah, because I'm going to play.

Speaker 2 I started playing that new Resident Evil.

Speaker 3 How is that shit?

Speaker 2 It's cool.

Speaker 3 I'm with it, man. Six sucked.

Speaker 2 The only one I ever liked was the remake of the first one.

Speaker 3 What they call it? Zero was like on.

Speaker 2 Zero was the one after. The Zero was the sequel to the remake, but the remake was just called Resident Evil.

Speaker 3 Yeah, was it also on GameCube? They tried to make GameCube cool so many times. Yeah, they did.

Speaker 2 God bless you. Well, GameCube was the last good Nintendo console.

Speaker 2 I'm not buying that Switch shit. I mean, I stopped playing video games for like eight years just because I was wasting so much money on it.

Speaker 3 Getting big up in GameStop.

Speaker 2 But now I got money to waste.

Speaker 3 Know the whole staff's name? Right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, never to that extent.

Speaker 2 That would be fucked up.

Speaker 3 I feel.

Speaker 2 If you were on first name basis.

Speaker 3 With the entire.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I worked as a seasonal employee at GameStop, though.

Speaker 3 Oh, nice. Yeah.
I tried to get that job. Didn't work.
It's like Mills. They went ironically.

Speaker 2 You get a 25% discount on games. That's the only reason I did it.
That's what the fuck I'm talking about. And yeah, there were some fucking

Speaker 3 autistic people that worked at that goddamn store. You know a seasonal job I had? I used to work at a fucking rest stop on

Speaker 3 95. Yeah, I thought that was like a regular job, though.
I mean, it was, I say it's seasonal because I was only there for one season. Oh, okay.
I made it a summer. It wasn't like a Christmas job.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 2 It was a summer Christmas help for the Christmas rush at the fucking bathroom.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that doesn't. That's like a different meaning.
People are going to have Christmas diarrhea.

Speaker 2 They're going to have gingerbread diarrhea, and we need extra hands to mop it all up.

Speaker 3 Yeah, also, the head of the rest stop is like a F.A.O. Schwartz.
Do you work with this old man? I have two turtle doves.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that guy was a pedophile, right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know, too, he was just trying to fuck Kevin. Of course, man, he was trying to do it.
Everyone in that movie is trying to fuck Kevin. Thin, chinless guy.

Speaker 2 The robbers, the pigeon bitch, his parents.

Speaker 3 The pigeon bitch, nah, man. The pigeon bitch was just, she just fucked with kids.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. She had like, you know, a miscarriage that made her crazy.

Speaker 2 I like that just like an affluent white family can be that reckless with their child and not lose them.

Speaker 2 Like, not have child protective services be like, well, this is the second time you've exposed your son to violent criminals through negligence.

Speaker 3 Left your kid in the Bronx.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 You know what? I say that's the American dream, dog.

Speaker 2 What? Being able to be like,

Speaker 3 you kids and then they just come back fine? Yeah. You did nothing? I mean, that's how rich kids, all rich kids have like horribly negligent parents.

Speaker 3 You just like let them buy cocaine when they're like like 11 and instead of waiting until they're 19.

Speaker 2 Respectable age to buy cocaine.

Speaker 3 Read a few books before you start.

Speaker 3 Seriously, though. Don't do it in the house, you know.

Speaker 3 Then you're just, that's just bad parenting because you're not learning how to be subtle about things.

Speaker 3 You guys ever hang out with any of those kids?

Speaker 2 I was in night school with these two black girls that had kids and they were like, their kids were already like four or five, and they were probably like 17, 18, or whatever. So they were like moms.

Speaker 2 You know, they like had the routine down. Yeah, they knew how to be fucking moms or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I remember one of them, we were riding the bus somewhere, and she was saying, like, yeah, my son got this fucking, like, banged his head, and he's got this fucking like welt that won't go down or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I was like, why don't you take him to the hospital? And they were both like, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 They were like, like, like, I had made some grave error in suggesting that they take their kid to the hospital. And I was like, what the fuck, why?

Speaker 2 They're like, they're going to say it's neglected and my kid's going to be taken away from me.

Speaker 3 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 And I was like, holy shit.

Speaker 3 Valid. I have have to report these women to child protective services.

Speaker 2 And I marched down there. I filled out the paperwork, but unfortunately, I forgot how to spell their names.
There you go.

Speaker 2 There were too many vowels.

Speaker 3 Is it Ralisha 2L?

Speaker 2 Sir, we've actually run out of ink.

Speaker 3 Put a couple asters in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dollar sign.

Speaker 2 I wanted to spell, I started spelling my name with like the dollar sign bars, but through every single letter. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. That'd be cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know if people would get it or not.

Speaker 3 I think they would probably get it more than you'd like. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
I feel like that could blow up

Speaker 3 at the fucking Supreme store or some shit. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, the goal is just to get into the Supreme store. Now that I'm fucking, I'm a Hollywood guy, you know.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Malibu Mulldog, my new guy.

Speaker 2 People can't see this, but I actually have a goatee right now and sunglasses.

Speaker 3 It's true. I have this pointing into your nostrils.

Speaker 2 I got sunglasses, a black bandana now instead of my regular yellow one.

Speaker 3 R.I.P. to the competition.
Yeah. That's why we go all black.

Speaker 2 Speaking of all black,

Speaker 2 did you guys see Get Out?

Speaker 3 I finally. I'm just going to kill you.

Speaker 3 You caught me at the right time. I finally saw it.
I had to see it just to find the source material for all the memes. Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 You were in the sunken place. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I I went down to the sunken palace. Yeah.
And she was, you know, I feel like, you know, being on Twitter kind of ruined the movie. Honestly, I blame my little brother for kind of giving away.

Speaker 3 I was like, okay. And I mean, also, like.

Speaker 2 I don't think there's anything to give away, though. I mean, you kind of go into it knowing exactly what's going to happen.
And that's what makes it a good movie.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that it's like, all right, here's what you're going to get. And then it fucking delivers.

Speaker 3 Straight through. You know what I mean? And it's still, the twist was, so I went into it thinking, all right, worst nightmare.
some white people want to lobotomize me, obviously.

Speaker 3 And I was imagining like a bunch of black people getting mutilated, but it was, you know, spoiler alert.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. No one who listens to this podcast is going to watch it.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, just to see, just to.

Speaker 2 They already stopped listening to this one

Speaker 2 because I criticized the white family from home alone.

Speaker 3 Yeah, true. They're just going back to listening to styles.

Speaker 2 So spoil away.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, just, you know, watching a black dude,

Speaker 3 you know, impale a family from the burbs. It was fun.
Very fun. Yeah.
Had a great time.

Speaker 2 Well, what's cool about it, too, is that, like, it, it,

Speaker 2 I saw some criticisms of people saying it's like, you know, like, sort of like a Kill Whitey exploitation movie in the same vein as Django or whatever, but it's not at all.

Speaker 2 And, like, there's maybe that scene where he gets out of the chair and like runs away is maybe, what, three and a half minutes long? It's all necessary. It's a 19 minute movie, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's all necessary. And then it's like, you know, I mean, a pretty easy, you know,

Speaker 2 allegory to pick apart. And it's not heavy-handed.
It's kind of well done. It's well-paced.
And it's why I enjoyed it was because it's like, usually, I fucking hate horror movies.

Speaker 2 They're all garbage with the exception of.

Speaker 3 Because they try so hard.

Speaker 2 No, because they don't. Like, half of them are made by WWE.

Speaker 3 Oh, true shit.

Speaker 2 I saw Oculus because someone recommended Oculus a couple years ago. Oh, boy.
And it's like fucking WWE Productions. And I was like, there's no way this is good.

Speaker 2 And it's like, what if a mirror was scary? And that's it. That's all the fucking movies.

Speaker 3 Sting was just watching you at the top of the movie. Yeah, yeah.
That would be cool. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That would be a cool horror movie if Sting was just following you around and he's like in the rafters everywhere you go. Remember, we were going to do that.
Me, you and Adam were going to do it.

Speaker 3 Oh, the Stings, the original Stings of Comedy. The Sting's of Comedy.
And then we were going to put a little tiny Bernie Mac. It was an awesome sting paint.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're all going to have

Speaker 2 WCW sting paint on our faces.

Speaker 3 Nice. I'm close with that.
I'm working on it. I'm going to get

Speaker 3 up some development deals. We're going to get there.
Yeah, that would be sweet.

Speaker 3 Yeah, use your new Hollywood connections. Hollywood is hell, dog.
Get, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I went to go see Get Out, and Adam was like,

Speaker 2 go see it in Compton. You have to go see it in a black theater.
And it's like, I don't think I have to go to Compton.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I feel like that's like a very. Patrick Johnson's got a lot of theaters.

Speaker 2 I don't know how much much that's going to fundamentally change the movie.

Speaker 3 I feel like that's a very like white person in Get Out thing to say.

Speaker 3 They would be like, oh, I saw, let me tell you, I saw Get Out in Compton, and it just changed the whole movie.

Speaker 3 You know, like, that's what they would tell.

Speaker 2 Although, I will say, I saw Django in theaters twice, and I saw it in, like, you know, a more diverse

Speaker 2 theater and then like a predominantly white one. And I swear to God, I'm not kidding.
You know, the one that was more diverse, there was like people clapping at the revenge scenes or whatever.

Speaker 2 People were laughing at the N-word in the white theater. When somebody was saying the N-word, they were like, ha ha.

Speaker 3 They were like, I get this. Yeah, it might have just been me.

Speaker 2 I mean, but that means people.

Speaker 3 So I'm included in people. You are every people.

Speaker 2 I might have just been drowning out everyone else's laughter with my own

Speaker 2 with my cigar and my Hawaiian shirt in the middle of the theater, my feet up,

Speaker 2 harassing Nick Nulty's family,

Speaker 3 laughing at Jenny.

Speaker 2 That's a Cape Fear reference for Dana, who hasn't seen any movies.

Speaker 3 Do you know that? I haven't gotten most of the references. I tuned out during the whole video game.
Juliet Lewis?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was just saying today that the other sister is kind of a fucked-up movie because Juliet Lewis is like hot.

Speaker 2 I had a thing for Juliet Lewis. Another sister came out.

Speaker 2 I was happy that she was. Should I stop beating off to this? I don't understand what this is doing to me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, same. Me too.

Speaker 3 Juliet Lewis is an actress who's

Speaker 3 an American actress.

Speaker 3 I know who all the actors are. I've just never seen any of the movies they've ever been in.
How does that happen? I don't know.

Speaker 3 A lot of people, Mags?

Speaker 3 I get. I don't know.
I'm just aware of things in movies, but I've never seen any of them.

Speaker 2 The Other Sister is a movie where Juliet Lewis plays a retarded woman,

Speaker 2 hence the other sister.

Speaker 2 Which I love the title of the movie is just like the fucking cruelest euphemism.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like straight off top.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. It's instead of like, she's all that, it's, oh, she's fucked up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then Fray Prince Jr. plays the love interest in the other sister.

Speaker 3 Oh, he's retarded too?

Speaker 2 No, it's I was doing a joke on

Speaker 2 you don't have to pretend to laugh at it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, because now I'm like, I was in it. I was swept away.
I appreciated it. Yeah, I was in.

Speaker 2 That's why it's because I thought it was when people who listen to the podcast complain about Stav's incessant laughter, and it's like they don't realize that the show is a four and a half minute long podcast.

Speaker 3 Interrupted interrupted by Stav's laughter.

Speaker 3 I'm here to fill a role. Yeah.
Oh, you don't have to replace Stav. I mean, no, just the laughs.
LPMs.

Speaker 2 No one could ever replace Stav.

Speaker 3 I mean, everybody knows that. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I don't mean as my friend. Anyone could easily replace him as my friend.

Speaker 2 He's not really worth it.

Speaker 3 He's invaluable on the show.

Speaker 3 He doesn't mean that. Great broadcast.
He's got his fingers crossed behind his back. Right behind Vern Lundquist in the hall of fame of broadcasting yeah uh what are you guys talking about

Speaker 3 who is vern lundquist

Speaker 3 four

Speaker 2 we still haven't finished explaining the other sisters oh yeah yeah hold on go yeah the rest of this podcast is just we explain stuff to me i have no problem turning it into that yeah oh great that's such an easy out and such an easy way to fucking walk through you know

Speaker 3 i also let me finish this get out anecdote and then we have to talk about bed bugs i haven't forgotten okay yeah we all got you.

Speaker 2 We got you in the queue, Spotify queue.

Speaker 2 So in, get out. This is another spoiler, but you know, fuck it.
Who cares?

Speaker 3 Yeah, like, fuck it.

Speaker 2 So, you know, remember the scene where, like, he's finally escaping from the house? Yeah. And the girl has the rifle, and then she sicks the, like, granddad groundskeeper black dude on him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he chases him down. He does the camera thing, and the guy's, like, hippocampus activates or whatever, and he turns around and shoots the girl.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, everyone in the theater starts, like, clapping. They're like, yeah, because he shot the white girl.

Speaker 2 And then he turns back around and he puts the gun under his chin and he blows his brains out. And one guy in the theater started clapping.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh. He starts clapping.

Speaker 2 And it was so fucking funny.

Speaker 3 It was like the perfect bit.

Speaker 2 I almost felt like that guy had to have watched the movie the first time and was like, I got to come back.

Speaker 2 I got to do that.

Speaker 3 Fucking nail this. Yeah.
All in Burbank. That's so exciting.
Yo, that is pretty good. Yeah.
I got yelled at by a guy

Speaker 3 when I was watching Ant-Man.

Speaker 2 Hitman?

Speaker 3 Ant-Man. You remember that one? Paul Rudd.
Paul Rudd? Yeah. You do your IL-7s? I was in Baltimore.

Speaker 2 In a weird kind of shape in that movie.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was on Mushrooms

Speaker 3 at a theater in Baltimore, and it was, you know, it's Ant-Man. Yeah.
So it's like at the climax of the movie where he's got to get like extra tiny.

Speaker 2 Did you go see it in Baltimore? Because Adam was like, you got to go see it.

Speaker 2 Make sure it's a black theater that you see Ant-Man in. I went to West Baltimore

Speaker 2 tripping.

Speaker 2 It was a trap house that had a projector set up in it.

Speaker 3 I rode in on a motorbike.

Speaker 2 I went to a hotep meeting to go watch Stuart Little so I could get the real experience.

Speaker 3 I rented out a theater with the black Israelites. I'm just laughing about Adam in a theater in Compton.

Speaker 3 Hey, it was cool. With his legs crossed? No, no,

Speaker 3 no, I'm cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, with his legs crossed, all gay. He's like limp ankles.
He's got like, He's got like the way like a fae wrist, but in his ankle bones.

Speaker 3 True.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So he knows that.
No, I know exactly what that means.

Speaker 2 He's holding his foot out for you to hold up like he's a debutante coming down the stairs.

Speaker 3 Very precious. I know exactly what you mean.

Speaker 2 Adam in that theater. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he sits like a

Speaker 3 call signing album sounds. Yeah,

Speaker 3 field trip. What, field trip? To Compton.
Make him go to Compton and see.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he should be forced to be like a big brother.

Speaker 3 When he comes out here, we'll go out there. We'll get him out there.

Speaker 2 Oh, take him out to Compton.

Speaker 3 I'm going to pick him up from LAX and then we just won't leave LA. Is Compton, though? Is Compton like Harlem is now, where people are like, ooh, Compton.

Speaker 3 Compton's kind of crazy. Crenshaw's more like that.
Yeah, yeah. Crenshaw's like Harlem.
Even Inglewood's a little more chill. But Compton's like, oh, now you're out there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Please

Speaker 3 check your t-shirt. Yeah, because where's that play? Which.
Oh, Watts is like

Speaker 3 also becoming.

Speaker 3 Well, I don't know if it's like

Speaker 3 more chill. I mean, I feel like Watts, yeah, like they burned down Watts once, and they were like, all right.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 We got it. Now they have

Speaker 3 like some fancy.

Speaker 3 It's like a fancy fast food place.

Speaker 3 I don't know. All right.
This is. You haven't been down there.

Speaker 3 Yeah. It's like Roy Choi.
It's like an LA guy. He made a he's the guy who started the LA taco truck craze.
Not like the food truck craze in America.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 See, all right. I know he didn't start the craze in L.A.
Right. I didn't mean taco trucks.
I feel like East L.A. No, no, no.
Not taco trucks.

Speaker 3 He did like Korean taco trucks.

Speaker 2 Ice cream trucks started that shit.

Speaker 3 Ice cream trucks started trucks. Well, food trucks.
First trucks, yeah. Oh, yeah.
First trucks.

Speaker 2 Which is weird that that's like a business that's still allowed to operate. It's like, yeah, I go around and I lure neighborhood children to my vehicle with sweets, but it's for money.

Speaker 3 So, yes, there's a ice cream truck who rolls around my building, but like you won't see them till like after eight. Yeah, it's like, yo, there's so many trying to get kids to leave their house.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's not like, oh, you're catching them after school even.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, I just very intensely assumed that those were just like people selling drugs late at night, and it was like, oh, they would because there was one last

Speaker 3 in D.C.

Speaker 2 There was a truck, there was a truck in Austin that would go around and had ice cream truck music. And I remember because it fooled Chris Cubis and he was furious.

Speaker 3 And they sell hot corn.

Speaker 3 It's just like a hot corn truck. Which is the fuck opposite.
It's like a Simpsons joke.

Speaker 2 Like boiling hot Texas style ginger ale.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You remember that?

Speaker 3 Yeah. I only remember the monorail.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which the monorail is like the get-out guy. It's like a monorail thing.
That's what he was doing with clapping, is that monorail bit, you know, where Homer says.

Speaker 2 So, whatever. Anyhow, so Juliette Lewis plays a retarded woman.

Speaker 3 Okay. And

Speaker 3 I'm hooked.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Giovanni Rubisi

Speaker 2 is the love interest.

Speaker 2 Well, cookies are the love interest. They bond over their love of cookies.
That sounds great. Yeah.
But you know why that movie was successful and I Am Sam wasn't?

Speaker 2 And I don't know the numbers on either one of those movies.

Speaker 3 Yeah, wasn't I Am Sam successful? I Am Sam is fucking. Did somebody get nominated for something for that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It would be great if there was a critic that hated it and they wrote, like, this movie is literally retarded.

Speaker 2 And then they misinterpreted that and put it in those oak leaves on the cover of the movie. You know, it's like, this movie is literally retarded.

Speaker 2 You know, Glenn Stevenson, SF Weekly.

Speaker 3 He came over four stars.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, why IM Sam's a piece of shit is because like, you know, they have Sean Penn in it, and even if you had the greatest, even if you had fucking Daniel Day-Lewis, you know, or, you know, Brando or whoever you think the fucking best actor in the world is, the best Marlon Waynes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Marlon Waynes.

Speaker 2 If you had every single one of the Wayans brothers in that,

Speaker 2 and you had them method acting their fucking heart out to be a retarded guy, you can't cast his friends as actual people with mental disabilities and not have it look like a cruel mob.

Speaker 3 It's ridiculous. Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, Sean Penn's like, oh, what shoes should we get? And then, like, the camera pans, and it's a guy who actually has Down syndrome. And it's like, this is what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 2 Who thought this was a good idea? It should have been Giovanni Rubisi, who just looks like he has Down syndrome, which is what they did with the other sister.

Speaker 3 And it's a better movie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, the only thing I remember of that movie is that the scene where he shows up to pick up Juliet Lewis for the date, and the dad is like, I'm going to kick this fucking guy's ass because he thinks it's like a regular guy that's just like,

Speaker 3 check this out, a slow girl.

Speaker 2 And then he opens the door, and Giovanni Rubisi's in like a dog costume, and he's like, My name's Daniel. And they're like, oh, he's retarded too.

Speaker 2 And that's supposed to be like a fun comedic moment in the movie.

Speaker 3 Is it a comedy?

Speaker 3 I mean, you know,

Speaker 3 it's romantic first

Speaker 3 and like comedy third. Yeah.
You know what what I'm saying? It's a romantic comedy. Okay.

Speaker 3 Well, I'm probably never going to watch it, but I appreciate the time that you took to tell me about it. The DVD's already in the mail, dog.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I also remember the scene where you find out

Speaker 2 Daniel, Giovanni Robisi's characters,

Speaker 2 his

Speaker 2 fixation is marching band music. He's really into like John Philip Sousa and shit.

Speaker 3 Do you like that shit now?

Speaker 2 A weird piece of fiction is Flowers for Algernon.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I have read that book. Yeah, I don't know that one.

Speaker 3 No, no,

Speaker 2 yeah, so it's about a guy that's retarded, right? And

Speaker 2 the scientists do an experimental surgery to make him not retarded. But the way it works is he's not like instantly smart.
Well, maybe he is instantly smart, but he has to learn all this shit.

Speaker 3 No, so it's not like Stefan or Coke.

Speaker 3 No, it's like, well, because it's written in a diary form,

Speaker 3 and then he slowly becomes hyper-intelligent. He becomes a genius.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he becomes too smart and then he like it's like an Icarus story. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Too close to the story. Well, no, but it's not like his fault.
It's just like the drug wears off. And then there's also a love story going on in it.

Speaker 3 But then when he becomes too much of a genius, he becomes like an asshole addict to this girl. Oh,

Speaker 3 they do that in like sitcoms all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Not like Stefan or Kell, but I've seen that plot

Speaker 3 a few times.

Speaker 3 Maybe more like in cartoons. I feel like cartoons do that shit.

Speaker 2 I remember there's a Baywatch episode where there's like a guy that's a loser that's trying to impress this girl, but she's really interested in Hasselhoff. Of course.

Speaker 2 So he's trying to help out the loser. So he like plays up his,

Speaker 2 you know, fucking machismo bullshit. He like decides to be an asshole.
He's like, why don't you dump the loser and get with her? Get rid of the zero and get with a hero.

Speaker 2 He's like, why have you hamburger when you can have steak? And she's like, oh, this guy's an asshole. I'm going to fuck the loser instead.
And then Hasselhoff is the magnanimous magnanimous hero.

Speaker 3 Saves the day as usual. Yeah.
What a fun show to be. Beautiful.
I used to watch that shit like last year.

Speaker 3 I just had like regular ass TV, you know, like a digital antenna. They still show that shit in reruns.
What? Season one of Baywatch is like a drama, like a serious kind of drama. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like they only like, like, it's like they save like one life at the end. Per episode? Yeah, yeah.
And it's just, it's like a very serious lifeguard situation.

Speaker 2 There were so many TV shows similar to how tech works now, where like Snapchat is clearly just for sending pictures of your dick to people.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. That's it.

Speaker 2 Which I think the CEO has even acknowledged.

Speaker 3 They've got some pretty fun filters on there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just like Baywatch is a dramatic TV show. It's a fucking, they used to be able to make shows and they're like, well, it's so children can beat off.
This is pornography for 13-year-olds.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. Because they don't want to.
There's no internet. Right.
There's no internet.

Speaker 2 You know, you're going to get fucking huge ratings.

Speaker 3 And then there's some people out there who are watching it, like me on Snapchat, who are like, I'm in this for the writing. Yeah.
Like, I appreciate it.

Speaker 3 The finer points. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're making a Baywatch movie. And I saw the trailer in Get Out, and I was walking.
I had to go piss. And so, like, I was walking back up the stairs.
And the Baywatch trailer comes on.

Speaker 2 And there's two 45-year-old guys, like, you know, probably older than that, sitting next to each other in the theater, sitting Adam style.

Speaker 2 Deduced from that, wouldn't you?

Speaker 3 Ankles just dangle. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They were like, they were holding,

Speaker 2 their feet were like holding hands with each other.

Speaker 2 That's gross. But the Baywatch trailer comes on, and one of the guys is like,

Speaker 2 this looks so fucking stupid. And it's like, yeah, it's Baywatch.

Speaker 3 It's a Baywatch movie.

Speaker 3 There's been so much stuff I've been seeing about the new Power Rangers reboot. One of the Power Rangers just murdered somebody.

Speaker 2 Did you see that story?

Speaker 3 What? Oh, yeah, the original one?

Speaker 2 No, no, it was the Red Ranger from like one of these new reboots, or like the newer middle stages. Yeah, where it's like Power Ranger's like Ninja Ape Force, where they turn into

Speaker 3 Ninja Apes, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 2 Power Rangers Ninja Turtle Force,

Speaker 2 where they become ninja turtles.

Speaker 2 Nah, yeah,

Speaker 2 the Red Ranger killed his roommate

Speaker 2 with a fucking sword.

Speaker 3 Yes. Oh, I thought he's oh, yeah.
And like, wasn't he was like in the shower or something. It was like his roommate was taking a shower.
Well, they were having some dispute over a girl.

Speaker 3 It was over a girl. It wasn't even rent.
Which is so funny because shit like that is like.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Isn't that okay in Sharia law?

Speaker 3 You're allowed to kill you bringing Sharia law. Because I think I'm right here.
You're bringing a good point.

Speaker 3 If you

Speaker 2 try to fuck someone's wife

Speaker 2 under Sharia law, you are allowed to kill them with a sword.

Speaker 3 Probably.

Speaker 2 If you're a Power Ranger.

Speaker 3 Yeah. If you've got the helmet on.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, but see, then who gets to be the Power Rangers, you know?

Speaker 2 But it's shit like that that makes me think, like, well, maybe Sharia law isn't so bad.

Speaker 3 Because we just do it anyway.

Speaker 2 If you're killing people with, first of all, yeah, we're doing it anyway. Second of all, murdering somebody with a sword, you're like, that's hard to get.

Speaker 2 It's hard for me to experience any kind of feeling of empathy for the victim because it's so cool.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 3 It does seem like a funnier death. Yeah.

Speaker 3 If I was being murdered by a sword, I would sort of be like, huh, are you serious? You get full Mortal Kombat gratification.

Speaker 3 You can look them in the eye. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Well, there was a story about

Speaker 2 some home invasion. I think near the Johns Hopkins campus, and the kid killed the burglar with a sword.

Speaker 2 And what makes it so funny to me is like, you know, you're about to die at the hands of like a nerd.

Speaker 3 You know, like, imagine being like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just like, homie,

Speaker 2 feeling running at you like untrideled autism, frothing at the fucking mouth. Some kid chewing on his fucking shirt.
You know, that's why the accountant was so good.

Speaker 3 Did you see that movie? No, I haven't seen that.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Dana. It's another movie about a retirement.

Speaker 3 Paul hasn't seen it either. It's true, but you saw it last.

Speaker 3 I saw the trailer. I saw it.
Oh, I don't know if it's a traffic. I didn't see the trailer.

Speaker 3 That's what I knew.

Speaker 2 The working title was The Other Affleck.

Speaker 2 Which doesn't really make sense because he's the main one.

Speaker 3 He's the man. I can't even think of the other one.

Speaker 3 Casey Affleck.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Fuck that nigga, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Who is, I guess, a rapist of some sort.

Speaker 3 Frank Stallone ass. Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, Casey's a talented actor.

Speaker 2 The problem with Casey is the sex thing.

Speaker 2 I don't even know the fucking details of that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, is it like...

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm not aware enough of PC Affleck for me to give a shit.

Speaker 3 What the fuck is that? I will say, it was like when I did learn that, I was like, oh, good. Now I don't have to see Manchester by the Sea.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm actually taking

Speaker 3 a moral stand on this, and I'm not watching it.

Speaker 2 I haven't seen it yet, and all I want is to know the difference between that and La La Land.

Speaker 3 You haven't seen that one yet.

Speaker 2 I don't know what either this is.

Speaker 3 La La Land has singing and dancing. There you go.
Very bad. Don't see it.

Speaker 2 Did you see Moonlight?

Speaker 3 I did.

Speaker 2 Is Moonlight good? That seemed way too heavy for me to see.

Speaker 3 No, it's not. That's what everyone was saying to me.
And it is, it's like kind of heavy, but it's not like, I thought it was going to be, I was going to be like crying my eyes out.

Speaker 3 And it was just like, I felt a lot of things, but it was just a good movie. Oh, really? Beautiful.

Speaker 3 It's like,

Speaker 2 I heard a description of it, and I'm like, that sounds like every Irish movie I've ever heard of.

Speaker 3 It's all Irish fiction.

Speaker 2 It's like, oh, and then, you know, he died in the factory at age eight.

Speaker 3 Wait, for Moonlight?

Speaker 2 What? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 It was just depressing and kind of.

Speaker 3 There's, I mean, it is depressing, but it's also, like, more nuanced than just being depressing.

Speaker 3 I'm

Speaker 3 not going to be scenes. It's just like House Party 2 when they do dance routines.
You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like they don't tell you about all the house parties in Moonlight and all the...

Speaker 3 There's a lot of dancing and

Speaker 3 having a good old time. So it's like songs.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Moonlight is basically a La La Long.

Speaker 2 Oh, so I'll just go see La La Land.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good, too.

Speaker 3 They're basically the same.

Speaker 2 If you add a La La Land and a Get Out, you've basically seen Moonlight, so I'm done for the year. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Covered it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Mailed it first quarter. Yeah, definitely.
Perfect. I don't know what else came out recently.

Speaker 3 Shit, I don't know. I don't know.
We tried to see a movie the other night, and everything looks awful.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go see Logan. Which I didn't realize was another...

Speaker 3 I call him Werewolf by accident pretty much. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Another Wolverine movie, which they already made a Wolverine movie, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They did the origin story. I don't know what the fuck happened.
This is after the origin story.

Speaker 3 It's like an apocalyptic thing. I don't know.
I don't care about superhero movies.

Speaker 2 How many of those fucking X-Men movies have they made?

Speaker 3 They got to be working.

Speaker 3 I remember that was like

Speaker 3 more than six.

Speaker 2 Oh, way more than six.

Speaker 3 Dude, the first one came in 2000. You know what?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I did have it on VHS. Yeah.
So yeah, it was way back. They've made so many.
Also, I mix them up with The Avengers a lot. Because they're the same thing.
It's all the same.

Speaker 3 They're all the same people. it's the same fucking movies.
Yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 2 The only reason to see those movies is to check in to see how many steroids Hugh Jackman has done in the last 15 years.

Speaker 3 Dude, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 You go back and look at Wolverine in the first X-Men movie and like to see what Hugh Jackman has done to his body.

Speaker 2 He was like a fucking 30-year-old man when that first movie came out, and he's like svelt. And now he looks

Speaker 3 awful. It's weird that he's also been like, he either does the superhero movies and he's superjacked or he just does like Broadway plays.

Speaker 3 Which, like, I can't imagine seeing him on like a Broadway stage.

Speaker 2 Don't you have to like lift everyone over your head on Broadway?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I've never seen it.
That's an audition

Speaker 3 for every show.

Speaker 2 Probably. You know what I saw on Broadway?

Speaker 2 My rich aunt brought me to go see.

Speaker 3 I thought you were naming a play. I thought you were like, I saw my rich aunt.
She brought me to go watch.

Speaker 2 She brought me to meet my cousins to

Speaker 2 the James Franco of Mice and Men.

Speaker 3 That's the perfect play for you to see.

Speaker 2 Yeah, which is another retarded.

Speaker 3 That's why I was like,

Speaker 3 she's probably like, oh, Nick will like this one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think it was for me, but

Speaker 2 yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'm torn on Franco, but he definitely doesn't fucking belong on Broadway.

Speaker 2 I probably would be ambivalent towards him if

Speaker 2 he didn't have all those things that Weiss let him write.

Speaker 3 Do you remember those?

Speaker 2 yeah there's like James Franco's book reports and he's like a 30 year old man that's like I just read Catcher in the Rock

Speaker 3 I feel like I feel like he like saw Doseki's commercial once and he's like all right

Speaker 3 yeah I'm gonna be that guy I have to do yeah yeah I'm gonna be the guy that read a book one time

Speaker 2 yeah no they should have he should have switched roles with with Dowd and he should have played the

Speaker 3 Lenny oh for sure yeah That could have been more interesting. That sounds like a hit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I told my grandmother one time that the original

Speaker 2 book was, you know, of Mice and Men was actually written to warn people about the dangers of the mentally handicapped.

Speaker 3 And she was like, oh, that's interesting.

Speaker 3 Were you like six when this happens? That's what I imagine. I was probably like six.
Just like a very precocious

Speaker 3 troll.

Speaker 3 Precocious troll sounds adorable.

Speaker 2 Do you guys got grandmas? What's up with you guys?

Speaker 3 You guys got grandma. My grandma got sad.
Oh.

Speaker 3 Grandma's all dead and shit. I know.
Both of them?

Speaker 2 When did he die? My one grandma just died, but that was. I also found out at the funeral that my entire family had ratted me out to the FBI, so I really didn't give a shit about that funny family.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's more dramatic. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Which is like the best way to cope

Speaker 3 with anything. Have the fans.
It's really sweet of them to do that for me. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 They're like, look, this is going to hit Nick hard.

Speaker 2 Let's try to have him put on a federal watch list that's going to destroy his life.

Speaker 3 Right, that's so sweet. Yeah.
Yeah, my grandma died in June. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You say, oh, nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a good month to die.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, it was her. It was like a motorcycle accident or.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah. No, she had some infection of some sort.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 She was like 96 or something.

Speaker 2 You get to a certain age, and it's just like anything will kill you.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You're like, what happened?

Speaker 2 You're like,

Speaker 3 you know, a paper cuttle. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I didn't even say that.

Speaker 3 It is crazy. I mean, we thought she was going to, you know, for like a decade, we were like, you're sort of waiting for the shoe to drop.

Speaker 3 So it's like, I'm surprised that she was so resilient and she did such a good job and she was so strong. And then, you know.

Speaker 3 Hey, RP. Condolences.
Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 My grandma is demented now.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. I got a couple demented great aunts.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which, you know, you would think like that would be kind of cool. You know, like, she'd be like some Joker.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She'd just be twisted and wearing like cool makeup,

Speaker 2 like going around, just burning money to piss everybody off, which I guess she kind of is doing

Speaker 2 by continuing to stay alive.

Speaker 3 My aunt Minnie just like yells at attendance.

Speaker 3 She just thinks she's at her house. I will say when my grandma died

Speaker 3 when we went to the

Speaker 3 like assisted living facility and all the nurses were like being really nice about it, but they were like, oh, you know, she had a spark. She was always giving a little attitude.

Speaker 3 And I was like, my grandma was a bitch to you. And I know that that's what you're saying.
And I'm sorry. Yeah.
I liked her and I don't, you don't have to.

Speaker 2 I remember going to see my grandmother in her nursing home and it was fucking horrifying. It was like terrifying.

Speaker 2 I remember one time I was walking through the hallway, and they have this like one section where they had some Julie Andrews movie on, and they've like wheeled all the old people in front of the Julie Andrews movie.

Speaker 2 And there's some woman in a wheelchair, just like,

Speaker 2 just screaming at the top of her lungs, like looking around, and no one's reacting to it. Yeah, I guess that you know, she's just trapped in some kind of

Speaker 3 stuff.

Speaker 2 No, that's they make you eat like fucking jello and shit. Like it's worse than prison.

Speaker 3 Jello was worse than it was.

Speaker 2 They don't paint prison pink. I feel like it would fuck with you more if prison.
You know who does that?

Speaker 2 Arpeo, the worst person in the United States.

Speaker 3 He paints the prison.

Speaker 2 He makes them wear pink to dehumanize them.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 2 And it's like the same shade of pink that my grandma's nursing home was painted.

Speaker 3 Oh. Yeah.
He's awful. Clinical.
Is he still? He's.

Speaker 3 What's going on with him?

Speaker 2 He's facing federal charges.

Speaker 3 That's what I thought. Yeah.
But I wasn't.

Speaker 3 No, I can't. That's too good.

Speaker 3 That would be, anyway. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But, you know, he's a million years old, so he's going to die comfortably.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he's also probably not going to get, nothing's going to happen to him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he should get raped in prison, right?

Speaker 3 Well, that would be great. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We should let somebody rape Joe Arpeo.

Speaker 3 In holding. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Surprising. In the back of the squad car.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's where it should happen.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. By the guy, you know, the guy,

Speaker 2 a process server. That's who you should do it.
Some guy fucking, like, marginally related to the criminal justice system.

Speaker 2 A fucking, like, the guy, the valet outside the clerk's office is who should be the guy that fucking gets him.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He leaves the DMV. There's no excuse

Speaker 3 for how he got pumped.

Speaker 2 That's who should do it.

Speaker 2 So, I guess if you guys, you have anything else you want to plug, we could wrap it up on Joe Arpeo should be raped.

Speaker 3 That is a good little stamp. Totally completely.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, I don't suck you guys into the

Speaker 2 outrage directed at me.

Speaker 3 Probably you guys would be fine. Oh, I know.

Speaker 3 I need some buzz.

Speaker 3 Let me tell you.

Speaker 3 It feels shitty, but

Speaker 2 it is like there really is truth to the whole thing, there's no such thing as bad president.

Speaker 2 It does nothing but fucking help you.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 Unless you're Joe Arpeo.

Speaker 3 Right. Bad publicity for him.
Well, but he did, you know, he did a bad thing.

Speaker 2 You know, you get raped by a mailman.

Speaker 3 Fingers crossed.

Speaker 2 Yeah. A mailman in a pith helmet.

Speaker 3 That would be the bad.

Speaker 3 Oh, shit. I don't got shit to plug.

Speaker 3 Plug your podcast. JamelJohnson.com, Airbuds, Broccoli House on Instagram.
I got weed if y'all need it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he sells weed. Adam also sells weed.

Speaker 3 Blap, blap. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I should have mentioned that.

Speaker 3 I don't know if

Speaker 2 Adam. There's no way.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3 My good friend Adam Levine. Yeah, Adam Levine.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Cool.

Speaker 2 Adam Levine's house party. What he calls his weed delivery service.

Speaker 2 24 hours. Well, hopefully

Speaker 2 this is kind of a sedate ending, which usually I like to have some kind of banger. It's not on you guys.
It's on you.

Speaker 3 Well, look, this is sleepy. It's our first pod.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our first episode of the West Coast.

Speaker 3 It feels different like talking into a microphone. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Oh, so you got like broadcast anxiety.

Speaker 3 Oh, I guess. I come alive.
Well, bro,

Speaker 3 I just feel like.

Speaker 3 Come town's pressure.

Speaker 2 Oh, is it?

Speaker 3 To be a citizen of Cometown, you know what I mean? It's not taken lightly.

Speaker 2 I guess. You know what's fucked up? Is like a lot of people worry, like, oh, did I say something that's like problematic or, you know, whatever.

Speaker 2 My biggest anxiety, I like fucked up and got JCVD's first movie credit wrong. Like inundated with people correcting me, which is like the whole fucking house of cards comes tumbling down.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know shit about fuck. I have no expertise or knowledge in any field but that,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 3 this is your bread and butter, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's such a basic detail. And the guy corrected me, he was because I was like, oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 he's the bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender 3, which he's not. He's the bad guy in No Retreat, No Surrender originally.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was going to say 2.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, the guy, some guy hit me up and he was like, it's actually the first movie. And I was like, definitely.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Speaker 2 And I was like, technically, actually, his first, first role was in Break-In 2 as an extra dancing in the background. He was like, nope, it was the first break-in, which is true.

Speaker 2 So I fucked it up twice.

Speaker 2 So, if any of you know this guy,

Speaker 2 I'm going to post his personal information on the internet. Put him out there.
This guy who called me out.

Speaker 2 And then I want you to harass him. I want you to get him fired and possibly kill him and his family, if you don't mind.
Fantastic.

Speaker 2 So we'll leave that there.

Speaker 3 I do. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what is that? German?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think that's French, yeah. It did

Speaker 3 Lil Francois.

Speaker 2 They say that it's in sound of music.

Speaker 3 But that's that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Imagine how fucking annoying it would have been to be at that house party. And you're being like, I'm getting out of here.
And they're like, wait, my children have to do the gay ass song.

Speaker 3 They're like, man, come on.

Speaker 2 I've got to drive home drunk through Nazi Germany.

Speaker 3 You know how fucking hard that is?

Speaker 2 And I have to listen to this fucking song by your shithead kids.

Speaker 3 Kids with ascots on. Yeah.
Fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, you guys were fun.
Thank you so much for being on the podcast. Thanks for watching.

Speaker 3 Come Town West.

Speaker 2 We're going to do this more because I don't think there's going to be enough time to do it with

Speaker 2 enough episodes to frontline.

Speaker 3 We'll have another one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, follow these guys on Twitter and Instagram and shit. They are good friends of mine.
So,

Speaker 2 you know, please do. Please do.

Speaker 3 It's all real, baby.

Speaker 2 Support Cometown West. You guys are great.
Thanks.