The Adventure Zone Versus The Great Gatsby: Live in Tacoma!

Dear Diary

I've lived a long-ass time, so I can say pretty authoritatively, it's never been more lit than it is right now, in the roaring Twenties.

We've got it all, baby.

Penicillin, fascinators, the Great Depression,

everybody's fucking party-fighting vibing monster!

Just Charles dumming their bones off!

And when it comes to palty-vining, there's one Long Island Playboy who swore AIDS could even a wolfman, God rest his precious soul, to share.

It's

the Great

Gadsby!

Does the cape go inside the chair or outside the chair?

Outside the chair if it's a Thursday.

Okay, if it's outside the chair and you stand up, pick the chair up with you, and then you have kind of a cool look.

That's a cool look.

It's like a funny look.

Hi, Tacoma.

It's a cape you should wear.

Thank you so much

for coming.

This is our second ever, I almost said attempt, which is not a great way to describe our efforts on this stage

of a live Taz vs.

Dracula,

an exploration of a literary classic we're calling Taz vs.

the Great Gatsby.

Thank you all so much for joining us.

Just in case no one is currently listening, well, I hope some of you are listening to this.

If you haven't listened to the current season of the Adventure Zone, let's introduce our characters, starting with Travis.

Hey, man, my name is Crawford Mutton.

You can call me Mutt.

Everybody does.

I'm a ranger,

whatever that means.

I'm a monster hunter.

Most of my family's dead.

Okay, great.

I think that about sums it up.

It happened in a pretty fun way.

Yeah, man.

Not all at once.

This is slow.

Monsters taking them out one by one, man.

Yes.

Dad.

Yeah, this takes some explaining.

Yes.

I'm Brother Philo,

a monk from the Order of St.

Tancred.

Artificer.

Currently.

Well, he's a monk, but that's not his class.

Okay, sure.

And I'm currently in the body of Pinocchio.

I hope to God you already knew that so that when I walked out, you didn't go, oh, dear God in heaven.

Yeah.

Dad, I would say, even if they knew that, they would still be able to do that.

They probably still said, oh, dear God.

Right.

Reacting that way.

And Justin.

Yeah, my name's Justin Macre.

I'm going to be pretending tonight.

I don't like when people act like they're really the people.

That makes me really nervous.

So I'm just saying to you, it's me, Justin, right now, okay?

But I'll be pretending.

I play Lady Galdwin.

She was blown up in a car wreck

involving Wolfman and Dracula.

Then her head, disembodied head, was grafted onto the body of a barbarian.

Yes.

Correct.

That's the whole thing.

That's basically, y'all are caught up.

What have we been doing for 19 episodes?

You know everything.

I haven't grown.

Oh, oh!

I found my hand and I keep it in a bag.

That was rather something.

It's a handbag.

Tonight's episode, it's pretty good.

Wait, let Justin decide if that's a good joke or not.

Guys, shit you not.

I sat here in a liminal space between the two and I felt nothing.

Yeah.

It was like so down the middle between funny and not, I couldn't react.

Yeah, it was chilling.

I was.

I watched the fire behind your eyes dim for a moment.

Yeah.

I've just sucked one year of your life away.

Yeah.

Tonight's episode will not be particularly relevant to the campaign.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this is Dave.

It's Dave.

Dave, R-A-S-L-N-A-S.

Dave will be joined by Generva later.

I should introduce myself.

I am Griffin McElroy.

I will be the dungeon master for this evening.

I'm playing every other character.

Thank you.

And before we get into this episode, I do want to let everyone know, as was the case with our first live show, which was Taz vs.

Moby Dick, I have not read The Great Gatsby.

Okay.

So, Griffin, have you read the book Dracula?

No, there's nothing

of Dracula?

So, the Versus series, really, is your sort of skewed, twisted take on great literature.

Yeah, based on what I can only describe as the most cursory Google search imaginable.

What you've culturally osmosed.

Yes.

And to that point,

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Call me Ishmael.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

The year is 1920 something.

The average life expectancy is just over 50.

Everyone's riding that post-World War I high, blissfully unaware of the impending squeak will.

A calm, however brief, settles over the globe, but not in the city of Lumino, in the perpetually haunted peninsula of Ongrave, because here it's party time, babes.

The city that never sleeps, despite the fact that it's always nighttime, has never been less sleepy thanks to the arrival of a certain fabulously wealthy man-about town hailing from the exotic reaches of Long Island.

You've all heard his name.

Long Guy Land?

Yes, where the long guys

do roam.

Yeah.

You've all heard his name bandied about amongst the hoipeloi of Lumino.

He's called Jay Gatsby and rumor has it he's pretty good.

Invitations to a Gatsby function are nearly impossible to secure, not even for a mover and a shaker like yourself, Lady Godwin.

However, on the night of his biggest gala to date, you received an urgent summons by none other than Pierre Reynolds, bon vivant, part-time bear, and proprietor of the Ghost Light Pub.

The three of you arrive to find his establishment devoid of patrons and see Pierre sitting at a table near the door, nervously nursing a sniff of brandy.

If you haven't listened to the show, he's a were bear.

That wasn't a commentary Griffin was making on his appearance or like sexuality in any way.

I don't know what Pierre's deal is in that regard.

You know, we are only 19 episodes in.

We haven't really dove too deeply into it yet.

But maybe episode 20 will feature heavily.

He sees you all come in.

He says, Bonjour, Lady Godwin, Matt, little puppet boy, come in, have a seat.

Yeah.

I'm going to cut to the quick of it.

What did you do?

You said that so angrily.

I didn't understand.

Social event of the year, and I'm not on the list.

I can only assume that you've interfered.

What did you do?

It may be a guilty by association situation.

I have been banned from the great Gatsby's estate, and

well, I received word from a trusted source that tonight's function is more than a little gathering of his bodies.

In fact, tonight Gatsby plans to do something untoward.

Fireworks?

Maybe.

Are we always going to have the thing where you eat food off people?

Is he going to do the thing where you eat food off people?

No, he's wanting to eat food off people.

Probably not after last time.

It's not Tupperware, is it?

It's what?

Sorry, who's that?

Tupperware Party.

They're not.

Who's that?

Sorry, who's this?

Not Clint McElroy there.

Get out of here, Clint McElroy.

Cyprines Walking Janitor.

Away with you.

He was clogging up the space at the table, and now Brother Philo could scoot up.

Scoot up.

Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

It's not Tupperware, is it?

Good one, little puppet boy.

He's bribes this.

Well worth the wait.

He's bribed the city watch to give his estate a wide berth.

He's been toiling on something in secret, some rituals that, if completed, will spell ruin for this land.

I have been blackballed from attending any Gatsby parties due to an unfortunate bear-related incident that I would rather not rehash the details of.

But you see.

What happened?

They did the thing where you put the food right on the body of people.

Oh yeah.

Was it honey-based?

It was close to full moon in my defense and I got a little bit confused.

And you ate a person?

I got a little I said I don't want to rehash the details of it, Matt.

Why?

Cause I ate a person.

Okay.

Pierre.

Yes.

We.

I.

Almost caught me that time, didn't you?

We, madame.

I need if

you're suggesting that we make an unorthodox appearance at the party, I'm all ears.

But I need you to promise me something.

Promise me Dracula will not be there.

I can pretty much assure you he may not be there.

I need, Pierre, if I may, I need a night off from Dracula.

Leave Dracula to me, he says.

In what sense?

Yeah.

Are you gonna eat Dracula?

He's mad.

Put some sushi on his tummy and we'll talk about it.

Gatsby has earned his wealth due to his premier party planning services.

It's a large, well-oiled machine.

A Gatsby party is truly the stuff of legends, but do not allow yourselves to be dazzled by the extravagance he is up to something sinister so you're gonna have karaoke

I don't think it's been invented yet he could invent it that would be wild

I mean live band karaoke isn't that hard to pull off with you don't need machines it's wild that we haven't figured that out yet yeah man

Well, you all have officially been here much longer than I expected you to

This voice, it is not easy to maintain.

Yeah, man, try doing it for like a whole season of the show.

Yes, what a foolhardy endeavor that would be.

But beloved by the audience, I'm sure.

He just walks backwards, saying, Bonchants!

Bonchats!

Until he just hits the back wall of the room.

Bonchats.

Is there any sort of staging area that we've noticed near the house itself?

Or is it

now?

I mean, do you want us to get a horse and ride a horse there or walk there or something?

If you'd like to have a horse-based scene in the live show, we could for sure do that.

We can do anything up here.

This is a secret.

No, no, we'll make it interactive.

Okay.

If you would like us to have a horse-based transportation scene,

say yes.

One, two, three.

Okay, now if you want no horses represented, say nay.

Not a lot of.

Okay, we get on the horse.

You've confirmed now that at least a large portion of our audience will be unsatisfied no matter which way this goes.

And I do thank you for that energy you've introduced.

Well, because

my prediction is by the end of it, the people who didn't want to see it will be like, that was actually pretty good.

I'm actually really glad I saw that.

Some horses roll up.

And one of them looks at you, Lady Godwin, and you can kind of understand what he's saying for reasons that'll be apparent to people who have listened to Taz versus Dracula.

She used to be a warehorse.

You going somewhere?

Yes.

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry.

Yes.

We are headed to the home of the great Gatsby, and we were hoping you might provide transport.

You got oats?

Oh,

I always have oats, actually.

Didn't used to, but

recently, I've found it really behooves me to keep a pouch.

Fuck, that's good.

I keep a pouch of oats by my side, just at all times.

Hey, hit me up next time you turn into a horse.

You're interesting.

I've actually got a lot going on right now, but that's so sweet.

Cool.

It doesn't have to be anything serious.

Yes.

Anyway, hop on board.

Shove those oats in my mouth.

Enjoy.

And let's ride.

All four of us.

Come on, both of you.

Hop on.

Was it worth it?

Okay.

I love this crowd.

Yeah, no kidding.

You trot through the boulevards of Lumino until you reach East Omelette, the bougie side of town, where mansions and villas overlook the marina below.

As you pass by the billboard for Dr.

Big Glasses,

As you pass by the billboard for Dr.

Big Glasses, the city's premier novelty-sized jumbo glasses retailer.

Dave, you're doing the Lord's work over there, bud.

Thanks.

Yeah.

This may be the only exposure some people in this room have to this story.

Yeah.

This is, for some people, going to be their first exposure.

They're like me without the cursory Google search.

Your destination comes into view.

Gatsby's estate isn't just the biggest one in town, it's the only one with searchlights shining into the sky, which is pocked with a perpetual stream of fireworks.

The house is a colossal affair by any standard.

It was a factual imitation of some Hotel de Ville in Normandy with a tower on one side, spanking new under a thin beard of raw ivy, and a marble swimming pool, and more than 40 acres of lawn and garden.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at describing stuff.

I stole that from Great Gatsby.

You pass through the ironrod archway onto the lawn of Gatsby's estate and find two check-in desks with short queues of revelers lined up in front of them.

One is labeled guest check-in, and the other staff check-in.

A gorilla wearing a tuxedo is working security standing between the two booths, blocking the walkway up to the front entrance of the house.

You recognize him as King Kong, former bouncer to the warehouse before its proprietor's untimely decapitation.

What do you do?

Fellows and ladies, ow.

Allow me.

I have extensive knowledge of the Great Gatsby in the fact that it's well known that you do not have to have an invitation to get into his parties.

As a matter of fact,

for those of you at home, Daddis just pulled out the cliff notes of the Great Gatsby.

The square's at the Great Gatsby's was well known as welcoming anyone who came without an invitation.

So, okay, let's.

You walk up to this booth and you just read that off a scroll.

Yeah.

And King Kong is like, oh, shit.

Are you sure?

Yeah, look.

Hey, age 17.

Yeah, throw me that.

Yeah, here.

I'm good at throwing.

What can I say?

Wow.

This is the whole thing.

Yeah.

Can I hang on to this?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

I get so boring out here.

This is going to be huge for me.

King Kong.

Awesome.

Thank you so much, man.

I mean, oh.

You're the best, dude.

Well, let's be honest.

I got a gag out of it, right?

He did, he did.

Okay.

Well, we were telling you backstage it wouldn't play, and then you really showed us.

I'm here to work, man.

I don't know what he's talking about.

people working in the booths look at each other and just start packing up the booths like it fucking said it in the thing

shit's crazy.

Excuse me.

Someone with a clipboard and headphones.

Yeah, what's up?

I am a common laborer, much like yourself.

And I would like to lend my salt of the earth strength to carrying around the big pieces of ice with the forks, like I've seen.

The claws, you squeeze them to carry the big pieces of ice.

I can do that do you work here I will yes

you will you will or you do you oh you drive a hard bargain if you're you know you can just go in right like he totally just put us in our fucking place you can just go in if you want wanna because the book says you can just do it if you wanna

I appreciate what you do.

It's such a dangerous precedent to set.

Oh, it's not going to happen again.

I understand.

All right, well.

Mud's already inside.

Okay, cool.

I quit.

All right.

Great.

You all enter into the palatial grand hall of Gatsby's estate and find a group of several hundred party goers all dressed to the nines, a sea of sequins and suspenders.

As you approach, you see a burly, broad-shouldered man wearing a rugby-striped top standing next to a woman in a shimmering silver flapper dress.

His eyes meet meet yours as you approach.

Hey, man, hey, are you guys here to see the great Gatsby?

You don't got to yell, man.

Are you guys here to see the Great Gatsby?

Yeah,

right.

Man, he's so fucking cool.

Like, so rich and handsome and stuff.

Yeah, man, do you know where we put like the drinks would be Wi-O-B?

Because I got some Baja Blast and some Everclear here.

And I want to get the Baja Blast on ice as soon as I can so it don't spoil.

I mean,

the refreshment lounge is that way.

But do you want to talk about how kick-ass Great Gatsby is?

What's your favorite thing about him?

Oh, man.

My favorite thing about him is football.

My second favorite thing is he used to date my wife, Daisy.

Isn't she pretty?

Tell her how pretty she is.

Oh, Daisy, you're lovely.

She's like, Yeah, I'm not going to do that, man.

And what was your name?

My name's Tom.

I love, in this order, football.

The great Gatsby, my wife, Daisy.

See, I would have known that if I still had my book.

Right.

Tom,

but what about Gatsby's past?

That's what everyone wants to know.

What's his whole deal, man?

Checkered, I would say, if I were to wager a guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's never played football, which I think is weird.

Is he more of like a rugby dude?

I mean, I know that he enlisted in World War I and in so doing doing, left behind his lady love, the love of his life, Daisy, who's now my wife, Cha-Ching.

Sweet.

Hey, six score, Tom.

Touchdown.

Yeah, so from what I understand, he lives in a sort of perpetual state of regret because of that one very bad decision he made.

You want something Baja Blast, Tom?

Fuck you.

I brought some from home, bro.

Are you fucking kidding me, bro?

Yeah, let's link arms.

We'll drink.

Yeah, bro.

Make a constitution-saving throw.

That's 15 plus 3, 18.

This isn't your first fucking roadie.

Yeah, man.

It is Tom's first roadie.

Oh, no.

Fuck brawl!

Let's go!

He just shouts apropos of nothing.

So Tom's drunk?

Tom is a little drunk.

Okay, Tom.

Yeah.

Have you heard anything

special about tonight's party?

Any Any scuttlebutts?

Well,

clearly on the inner circle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have a smoking hot wife.

Thanks.

Jesus Christ.

Can you all just, I'm going to...

I know what it is to be objectified.

I'm with you, sister.

Cool.

Save me the point.

I'm, I mean, Daisy speaks up.

She says, he's up to something.

He has been off tonight.

I am worried.

You know, we're in Ongrave now.

There's weird magic shit like everywhere.

I'm worried.

He's a puppet.

Whoa.

So, oh, hold on.

I thought one of you was doing.

Nah, man.

Whoa, so you're like a guy.

You're like your own guy.

Yeah, man.

Why are you talking now?

Sorry, is this Daisy or Tom?

Daisy.

Thank you.

Wow.

She's a meathead, too, huh?

Yeah.

Dude, holy shit.

Anyway, yeah, Tom goes, hey, everyone, shut up.

Here he comes.

Everyone cranes their necks upward as a man dressed in the sharpest suit you've ever seen approaches a microphone perched on a balcony above.

He holds up a hand and the crowd quiets.

High five him.

He's like 30 feet in the air.

No, it's from a distance.

I mean, it's

more of a Jedi high.

Get an acrobatics check.

Yeah.

He points down at you.

He's floating?

He's on a balcony.

Inside?

Yeah.

I was confused.

You said in the air.

The balcony's in that.

I understand.

I didn't hear it the first time you said balcony.

I was thinking about something else.

It's not my problem, Griffin.

It's really not.

He says, good evening, everyone.

It's me, the great Gatsby.

Welcome to my Rager.

Thank you.

Sorry?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This isn't...

This isn't a call and response thing.

I'm doing like a speech up here.

Oh, sorry, man.

All good

Go ahead.

Start again.

Yeah, start over.

I don't.

I encourage you.

You messed it up.

You start over.

It's all a problem.

You have a lovely speaking voice.

He turns and goes back into the you see him talking to his wrist for a second like

Anyway,

I encourage you all to avail yourselves of the decadent diversions I've prepared for you to live this night to the fullest and leave with no regrets.

I'll blend into the crowd and hide.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you see King Kong come walking into the room now looking for the three of you.

But only I had the courage to make a self-action before you said that.

Yes, that's true.

Yes, Clint.

Mr.

Gatsby, this is a speech.

What a...

I just feel like perhaps I could open

the whole presentation, all the festivities, with a prayer.

Listen.

Listen.

So hold on.

No.

Hold on.

I was about to roll a die, you fucking degenerate.

All right.

Yeah, juice.

This situation here is radioactive.

When I hear him say prayer, I'm going to hide.

You get a stealth also.

Give me a stealth check.

I hid before Griffin said.

Yeah, give me advantage on it.

You get advantage on the stealth check, Justin.

Thank fuck.

I rolled six.

All right.

14 plus four.

Okay.

15 plus 2.

Yeah.

Awesome.

That's so cool.

You two just pull your cowls up and fade back into the background.

You want to do a prayer.

Our father.

No, no, no, no.

Bless these proceedings.

A fucking giant, meaty hand grabs you around the torso and lifts you up.

King Kong's like,

come on, man.

Can you fill in the blanks for me a little bit on what the great Gatsby's reaction to being interrupted by Pinocchio is specifically?

whoever's controlling this little guy, first of all, impressive.

I got no strings to hold me up.

King Kong's like, come on, don't make this any harder than it has to be, Pinocchio.

Let's get you out.

You can't pray to kick off a party.

That's the fucking craziest thing.

I am in the middle.

I am in the middle, King Kong.

Of the prayer we don't want you to do.

Yeah, no, I know.

Like, it's my job to make sure that you can't continue doing it.

And how will you stop me?

Look at us.

He's literally holding you like a cellular telephone in his hand.

I'm going to use this distraction and my great stealth roll to go in the door that Gatsby came out of.

It's 30 feet in the air on a balcony.

It's a float.

Okay, I've cast levitation on myself or something to float up the 30 feet to go into the door.

I went to the bathroom.

You go to the bathroom?

A wise choice, I would say.

He sees a barbarian just jumping into the door.

He's looking at them.

I made that extremely clear.

Oh, okay.

Have you been to a party before?

He yells down at you all.

Griffin, I rolled a 20.

To levitate?

No, on my stealth.

To slip past him, I rolled a 20.

Okay.

You said he sees a barbarian, and I said that I'm taking advantage of that distraction so I'm using stealth and I rolled a 20 that's a very good number to get on the dice the door's 30 feet in the air on a balcony okay 30

saying that the okay okay how is he going to

why does he have is this a vestibule yeah okay Why the fuck would this man, this aristocrat, this man of distinction and taste, have a vestibule with a balcony

and not have a grand entrance

upstairs that he can walk down.

Yeah, for sure.

No, for sure, for sure.

This is where he likes to give his uninterrupted party speeches.

You can actually see there's a plaque up on the balcony that says the uninterrupted party speech balcony.

Donated by Dr.

Herman.

Okay, okay.

I'm washing my hands.

Yeah, yeah.

Can we retcon and say that 20 was a roll to jump?

20 with a 20?

Here's what happens with a 20.

The lights in the room flicker, and you all are back where you are, in front of the crowd, standing in front of the Great Gatsby as he gives his speech.

Live this night to the fullest and leave with no regrets.

That is a lesson hard learned for myself.

I enlisted in World War I to defend our country from the bad guys of World War I.

And in so doing, left behind the love of my life, Daisy Buchanan.

And Tom cheers, whoa, yeah!

That's my wife!

I love you Greg Gatsby

says there's nothing I wouldn't do to rewrite that error in judgment and win back the heart of my lady love

nothing

cool man

what oh sorry

didn't hear you were in the bathroom anyways everybody start charlestoning and don't stop until I tell you to and then he disappears through the door that's 30 feet in the air on a balcony.

I understand.

And everyone starts Charlestoning.

So, with my 20, I reset time?

Is that what you're saying?

Seems like I rewrote reality.

Yeah, it seems that way.

Pretty fucked up, huh?

Dang, what will that wine come up with next?

Give me this is so important, Griffin.

Does that mean I didn't get to go to the bathroom yet?

Yeah, you didn't go to the bathroom.

I go to the bathroom again because I did need to go to the bathroom.

That wasn't a rude.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Lady Godwin, I think everybody who noticed that time just jumped back a little bit.

Give me a perception check or maybe an Arcana check if you'd like.

That is a five plus zero.

Yeah, that was fucked up, right?

Nine plus seven plus two, so 18.

That's a lot of shit you get to add to perception checks, but that sounds like being a ranger.

Ranger is your whole deal, yeah.

Seven plus four, 11.

Okay.

Dad, we should close our ears.

Yeah, I'm still standing there holding like a hand towel.

I was drying my hands up.

What the fuck?

Yeah.

I will say with your perception check, you definitely noticed that time seemed to jump backwards a short distance, which is not any effect you've ever experienced before.

I'm done, Peyote.

What?

Peyote?

I've done Peyote.

Oh, okay.

With your arcade.

I went to Joshua's tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a friend of mine.

He always keeps peyote near the tree.

I will also say with that perception check, you notice there is a seam running down the floor of the middle of this room where everyone is now Charlestoning.

And towards the back of the room, underneath that balcony where the speech just happened, is a big metal box the size of like a safe sticking out of the ground right where the seam ends.

And this box has a large door on it with three silver keyholes.

And a note on it.

reads, for emergency access, contact the three party captains.

Hey, Tom.

Yeah, bro.

What do you know about party captains?

Oh, man.

They're so fucking cool.

They get to hang out with the great Gatsby every day.

Can you imagine, dude?

Are you a party captain?

No, dude, are you kidding me?

Where do we find them?

Probably in these three rooms.

And he points to the three rooms.

Is this where they live?

What's that?

The party captains.

They're the hidden three rooms at Gatsby's house.

Do they live here?

No, this is where they do their different party duties.

See?

He gestures out to these three rooms leading out of the grand hall.

You see signs leading over a door to the west that reads refreshment lounge.

To the north, a door with a sign hanging over it that says gaming parlor.

And to the east, a sign hanging over it that says the orgyum.

I think we should go to the refreshment lounge first.

Probably a good idea.

It helps to make

a refresh.

Yeah.

Anyway, you know, usual 1920s party stuff.

Yeah, man.

God, it's so fucking cool to be alive in the 1920s.

Just wait till you get to the 2020s, man.

Yeah, man.

Wait, no, I'm not going to make it that much.

Nah, Tom.

Okay.

Just statistically speaking, unless you...

I'm not going to live to be 150 years old, bro.

If you become like a vampire.

Anyway,

you know where to go.

Tom, are you 50?

What's that?

Are you 50?

Yeah, man, I'm 50 years old.

You look fantastic.

Thanks, dude.

It's all the football that I watch.

I'm surprised, yes.

Of course.

On television, is it?

Yeah.

Anyway, oh, sorry, I better get back to Charleston.

Wow, you really know that?

You know all those steps, Tom.

He starts to...

I know a Charleston anywhere, and that is one of them.

You have three exits from this room, the refreshment lounge, the gaming parlor, and the orgyarium.

I would encourage you all to stay together as you go into these rooms.

If you want to split up and do one a piece, you can also do that.

it will be less funny okay

hey y'all want to get some refreshments first

well yes yes okay

you all make your way into the refreshment lounge and it is straight up wonka in here all around you just faded luminarians are sipping bulbous files of shimmering liquids subjecting themselves to any number of magical effects some are floating in the air a couple have turned into scent towers most of them are just glowing literally at the center of this room is a circular bar counter in the middle of the witch, in the middle of the witch,

in the middle of which there is a witch and also a man.

Do we have to eat food off of her?

No, gross, stop.

Wearing a bright rainbow-hued trench coat and spectacles, he sees you approach and says, Keep on rambling on, little bumblebees.

Hell yeah, dude.

You don't want any of this shit, Joshua?

Nah, man.

Oh, sorry.

That's my friend I used to do peyote with.

Give me an insight check.

Just Travis or all of us?

Just Travis.

That is a 19.

Fuck.

He.

19 plus 4.

23.

He looks nervous.

Nah, man.

I don't know anyone.

I don't know any Joshua's.

My name is Potion Pete.

I'm party captain here in I.

Joshua?

Anyway, you guys better turn around, get out of here, because you aren't ready for this shit.

I can take anything you have, Talk Spoiler.

No, excuse me, Potion Pete.

No, man, Pete was your brother.

Fine, yes, I'm fucking Joshua.

Keep it down.

I lied on my forms because Gatsby had already hired a guy named Joshua.

Yeah, man.

And Gatsby hates to have two of the same guy.

He says confusing, yeah.

So I told him my name was Potion Pete.

And he was like, you do potions?

And I was like, yeah, but I didn't do potions.

You didn't No, you've never done potions before.

So these are not going to be very good potions.

I mean, they'll do stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I'll be straight with you guys.

I have no fucking idea what I'm doing up here.

Would you like a quick primer on how to make potions?

This dude is good at potions.

He's an absolute

monster.

I'm kind of a potionologist.

Cool.

Well, let me just,

can I show you some of my work and you let me know

what you think?

Yeah, do you have a key?

Yeah, I'm a party captain, so I have one of the key keys.

Weird question.

Go ahead.

What is it, Puppet Man?

Well, no, I was just asking if you, perhaps, you know, how you make

your best potion.

Oh, man, I put it in a cauldron and I stir it a few times.

I fucking don't.

I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.

Those guys turned halfway into horses.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, guys.

Do you serve them with maraschino cheris, your potions?

No, not.

Do you have the little plastic swords that you can put?

I have full-size regular swords.

No, that won't work.

Do you have anything smaller, like key-sized, that you could put a maraschin on?

Well, yeah, I have this emergency Gatsby key.

Yes,

put a maraschino cherry on it.

I need this, though.

Well, yeah, yeah, but I mean, this is, I'm just trying to educate you.

This is for your benefit.

Yeah, okay.

So put the maraschino on the key.

Go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't want.

And then give me a Shirley Temple post.

Give me

an insane persuasion check, Mac.

You want to learn how to make drinks?

Take your keys out.

He just wants him to put the cherry on the key.

Sorry, let's see, sure.

Yeah, man.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

Yeah, yeah.

I would just take a flyer on it.

Yeah.

I would just...

Yeah, just do it.

You don't need a roll.

Wait, hold on.

Wait.

Oh, no, that is a 20.

Yeah, I don't know.

He rolled a two.

He rolled a two.

Oh, okay.

20-sided die, excuse me.

Of which he rolled the second side.

Actually,

I would like to make the interpretation of my own roll.

It was a nat 20.

Oh, okay.

I don't believe you.

Hey, Joshua.

Yeah, what's up, man?

Just give me the key, man.

I need your guys' help.

I got these six potions here.

He says six potions.

Yeah, man.

It's a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple potion.

He says, I have no fucking idea what these potions do.

If you all can help me figure it out, I'll give you my key for sure.

What are you trying to make?

I don't know, dude.

So this is just, you just want to know what they do.

I keep putting like I of Newt in shit.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay, which one did you put Eye of Newt in?

Like, all of them, dude.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Which one did you put cumin in?

Uh, this one.

He points at the orange one.

Okay, you said there's other people in the room, right?

Yeah, they're all like wilding out, having a great party time.

Okay.

Can I drink one?

Yeah.

All right, I'll sip the red.

I was gonna have other people do it, but no, by all means.

I can take anything.

He's gone.

Give me a constitution-saving throw, please, Lady Godwin.

Okay.

Plus.

Two.

Okay, 17.

Very good.

Who were you looking at when you drank this potion?

What?

Who was I looking at?

I guess

Push and Pete.

Okay.

You feel like a little bit of spark between you.

A little, like you're, like you would have been deeply, deeply in love with Potion Pete if you had not rolled such a good con save.

Okay.

I guess on a 17, there's something...

Hey, there might be something interesting there about Potion Pete.

Okay, this one's a love potion.

Oh, fuck.

I'm so sorry.

Who are you looking at when you drank it?

You, but it didn't work.

This is so awkward.

God, you fucked up again, Potion Pete.

I feel nothing.

I open a window.

Yeah.

And I do some bird calls.

Okay.

I'm going to summon some birds to try these potions.

Give me an animal handling check.

Well, the red one's a love potion.

That's a one.

One.

One.

One penguin.

One.

Big fucking bird flies into the room, Travis.

A fucking...

A flamingo flies into the room and slides to a hole on the floor and immediately stands up and just starts kicking shit over.

I

speak with animals.

Okay.

Where the fuck were it?

Hey, man, hey, calm down, bud.

Calm down.

Shit, those guys are almost horses.

Yeah, no, calm down.

Everyone in the room who is like a little bit high is like, is that a fucking flamingo?

Is that a flamingo?

It's a gatch me party.

I backhanded the flamingo.

Backhand do that, man.

Well, hold on and enroll.

Non-lethal.

Is it 12?

Plus?

Six.

Okay.

Yeah, you get this flamingo under control.

Why did you do that?

I want to have the flamingo dry the potions, man.

I don't want to do that.

It says,

I stare it dead in the eyes and feed it the red potion.

Sounds good.

I give it the green green potion.

He drinks the green potion.

How do you feel, man?

Pretty sick.

His body just starts sort of rapidly changing colors.

Yeah, this is a pretty wild one.

That's cool.

Blue one.

Okay, blue.

Sounds yummy.

Good for me.

I don't really feel anything with this one.

Oh, that potion does nothing.

All right.

I think I'm in love with you.

This is a truth potion, I'm realizing.

Probably good you didn't drink this one, huh?

You guys look like you got a lot of fucking secrets.

Yeah, man.

Here's the purple one.

Fuck it.

At this point, Potion Pete's like, you know what?

I'm actually kind of uncomfortable with the energy.

I want to know what happens.

He drinks the purple one.

He chugs it.

He's like, damn, that one was delicious.

Whoa!

He starts shooting beams out of his fucking talons.

Whoa, that one's giving me maximum power.

Amazing.

Holy shit.

I feel so strong and powerful.

Here's the orange one.

I take the purple one.

The purple one's empty.

He fucking drains it.

Here's the orange one, man.

All right.

He fucking downs the orange one.

He starts breathing fire.

Holy shit.

This is fucking awesome.

Amazing, man.

Here's a yellow one.

Hold on.

Cole, get your boy.

I didn't know that the flamingo was drinking the whole potion.

I thought it was just getting a sip.

I'm a big bird, man.

I metabolize that shit so fast.

What's the point if this dumbass bird drinks all the potion?

What's the point of any of this?

Here's a yellow one.

All right, let's try this.

I can't wait to see what this one.

Glug, glove, glo.

This one's going to.

all right potion peace I bet that just about

answers all your questions I'll take that key now my man he's breathing oh cool yeah it's a sleep potion it's yeah it's a it's a potion what is it you hear the flamingo look up and whisper devil's herb

oh that one

He says, okay, I feel like I got the six potions.

Let me label it.

Well, you drank most of them, so I don't even really need to know what they do.

All right, well, I guess that solves my problem one way or another.

Enjoy your key.

I'll keep an eye on this fucking flamingo that you've just given superpowers, then made take a pretty dangerous thing.

Firebreath.

Yeah, man.

That fucking thing's going to be the boss that you watch.

Are there any potions left in the bottles?

There is a little bit left of the,

I will say the truth serum.

I'll take that.

Okay, you take the truth serum with you.

And the superpower serum.

That's gone.

He just slammed that shit.

Hey, you make a bird do all the work for you.

You don't get the fucking bonuses of the bird's hard work.

On to the orgy room.

No, no.

Game room next.

Absolutely not.

No way, no how, Mac.

We might have to

go there eventually.

I'm going to get you a booster seat and put you outside after that one.

Yeah, I think Lady Godwin might be going in the orchy room by herself.

What's the

The other one is the gaming parlor.

Oh, hell yeah, bud.

You walk into the gaming parlor and almost immediately wish you hadn't.

It's loud and chaotic.

You see people just losing their shirts, playing baccarat and blackjack, jumping up and down on craps tables, just losing themselves in the gamer life.

A woman standing at a pedestal by the entrance smiles a billion-dollar smile towards you.

She says, Welcome to the gaming parlor.

I'm Madam Wager.

What's your poison?

You got a guitar hero?

Hmm.

I don't think that one's been invented yet.

Do you have a rock band?

Nope.

Mist?

Nope, not missed either.

Oh, man, you got Go Fish?

You got Euchre?

Euchre!

We do have Euchre.

I suppose that you need four to play Euchre.

Sorry, usually when people come to these gaming parlors at the party, they come to, you know, make big wits and wages and try to earn a little bit of Dosh.

Yeah, I'm trying to win a key.

You got a key?

I do have a key.

She pulls out a key.

She says, I am a party captain.

This is my key.

Is there some sort of emergency?

Or do you want this for some sort of illicit mean?

Yes.

I tell you what, you three seem like high rollers.

Why don't you follow me?

I got the perfect game for you.

Okay.

I hope it's flappy, bird.

She walks you through the gaming parlor, and as she does, she says, when our boys came back over from abroad, they came back with some dark appetites.

The only thing they like to gamble with is their lives, and there's only one game, one twisted game everyone's just obsessed with.

And you walk into a dark room and find a handful of folks sitting around a circular table, all of them wearing metal helmets attached to wires.

There's a beat, and then they begin going in around.

The minister's cat is a lovely cat.

The minister's cat is a lively cat.

The minister's cat is a...

The third one gets electrocuted.

She says,

he says, if you can defeat me in a round of the minister's cat, I'd be happy to give you my key.

I'll do it.

All right.

I have a lot of experience with metal hats and wires.

It worked out for you so well last time.

Yeah, how many tries do we get when he fucks up?

I mean, as long as you're still breathing,

I guess you can keep playing.

Sorry, that sounded weird.

Yeah.

It's just a game, right?

It's a game with incredibly dire consequences for failure.

Yeah, like what?

You die?

I mean, you get like, you do get shocked quite badly.

And people pay to do this.

Well,

this is a popular.

He's made of wood.

Entertainment?

Shut up.

All right.

Yes, let him play you, and then one of the more skillful among us will have their chance.

Awesome.

That

sounds fantastic.

So just me and you a one-on-one match, she says.

I'm ready.

All right.

She puts on a helmet on herself.

She puts a helmet on you.

She splashes a little bit of water on your head first.

She says, because you're made out of wood, I feel like.

Wait a minute.

I saw the green mile.

I know how this goes.

Oh, no, I didn't.

1920, man.

I read the cliff notes.

Seems like we're on M.

Ready to go?

Yes.

I'll begin.

If you all could help me with the rhythm, that would be very helpful so I don't have to clap and come up with adjectives at the same time.

Adjectives starting

quiet.

The minister's cat is a messy cat.

The minister's cat is a majestic cat.

The minister's cat is a miserly cat.

The minister's cat is a

misogynist cat.

Wow!

Oh!

You are electrocuted for

11 points of lightning damage.

Oh, sick, man, my turn.

Are you sure?

Yeah, dude.

All right.

If you say so, the letter is in.

Should we play the same time?

Would that move things along a little nicer?

If you'd like.

Griffin?

Yeah.

I would like to do an investigation check.

Yeah, go for it.

How it's all hooked up, like where the plugs are and whatnot.

Give me an investigation check.

That's a one.

I can't find the box.

No, you can't find a box.

She goes, ready?

I guess.

The minister's cat is a nimble cat.

The minister's cat is a naughty cat.

The minister's cat is a nervous cat.

The minister's cat is a nice cat.

The minister's cat is a nautical cat.

The minister's cat is a nasty cat.

The minister's cat is a...

Oh, no!

She gets electrocuted.

Double or nothing?

No, I just learned the key, man.

Come on, aren't you afraid?

Don't you want to live?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine, man.

I really didn't think I was going to fuck that up.

But you did.

Key, please.

Can I tell you what's fucked up?

I was cheating.

She points to her headset.

I'm fine, man.

I was getting answers.

I have a page open of adjectives by letter, and I still fuck that up.

Yeah, man, it's mostly a mental game.

I get it.

Can I have that key, please?

Are you sure you don't want to go?

Double or nothing?

No, I'm good.

Damn it.

I'll go.

Oh, sick.

Yes.

You want?

What the fuck yeah?

We need two keys.

I didn't get to do it.

Don't do it for nothing.

The minister's cat isn't up.

Have you put the helmet on?

Yes.

All right, punched it in the head as hard as I can.

Make an attack roll.

Lady Godwin.

That is a 17 plus 6, 23.

Okay.

Cool.

Yeah, you do it.

She goes.

She knocks her out cold.

Yeah, cool.

The minister's cat isn't up.

Pick up the key.

Does she have...

Oh, no.

Does she have anything else?

No.

She doesn't own anything else.

She has a fucking javelin that has magic powers on.

No, she doesn't have a javelin with magic powers.

She doesn't own anything else.

That's so sad.

I mean,

she has a...

So when she gets ready to leave for the day, she just gets out of bed and she's like, I'm ready to go.

And everyone's like, nothing, no items?

No.

She lives an item of comfort life.

What about your gold coins?

What if you want to buy food?

No, I don't need those today.

I don't have a key.

I have a key.

I need nothing.

I want for nothing else.

She has

a key to a 1999 Honda Civic.

A single button.

And...

That's it.

That's your all-day carry right there.

You get the key for the box outside.

I don't know if you take the Honda Civic key.

I take the button.

I take the Civic key.

Jesus Christ, guys.

I leave a $20 bill.

You never know.

For the car?

Yeah.

Cool.

All right, now I'm going to go in the orgetarium.

You guys, by which I mean, hear me out.

You two and the audience stay out here.

I'm going to go in and get the key.

You guys have a scene out here while I go in and get the key.

that's fine

but those souls need saving bring a d20 over here Trev

well so what exactly happens in an or gymnasium as as a man of gold I don't know how much detail to go into but I suppose

A little bit of a sketch.

How many lotions and creams do you know the names of?

By brand.

I know aloe vera.

Okay, that's one.

You'll definitely see that.

Are you including sunscreens?

Absolutely, sunscreens are invaluable.

I don't know any sunscreens.

How about

now I'm kind of shot here?

Any lotions will do.

You'll definitely want to moisturize the beginning and end.

And oh, thank God he's back.

Okay, I've got the key, man.

There wasn't that much to see in there, man.

Don't worry about it.

You're sopping wet.

What happened in there?

Yeah, no, I can't talk about...

I can't talk about it.

I don't have the words to describe what I saw in there.

But Max Fun donors are going to love this exclusive two-man episode.

Four hours.

It's like a fucking Pinter play.

Just brechtians screaming at each other.

A big mustachioed man pops his head out of the curtain separating the rest of the party from the orgitarium.

He says, he signed an NDA.

That's right, it's me, Dr.

Boner.

You'll never get to meet me.

It stands for nummy dicks of plenty.

You now have all three keys to this misery.

I'm sad we didn't go in.

I feel as

a person just.

I feel way better.

Actually, good, good, good.

You made it up.

Yeah, for sure.

Griffin, do you know, I think it is a bit of a problem as a creator to make something up and then think.

It's cool, though, because me and Travis had a special moment back there.

Yeah, but to think, God, I hope no one asked.

My brothers talking about an orgentarium.

Okay.

So you got the three keys now.

These three keyholes, Tom points at them.

These guys are fucking asking for it, man.

All right, we put the three keys in the keyholes.

Hell yeah, man.

Touchdown, he shouts.

You turn the keys, and the door to the metal box opens, revealing a large lever that reads, dance floor operation.

Pull it.

Immediately, the room begins to shake as the floor parts down the center, revealing an enormous iron grate floor below, upon which a great stone circle is built.

As the floor splits, this room rises up to fill the gap, raising this stone circle into clear view the people who are Charlestoning under the orders of the great Gatsby continue to do so

and you see just as they Charleston an odd phantasmal ripple just comes off of their Charlestoning and fills this stone circle with its just powerful kinetic it's a Charleston charge it's a Charleston charge

there's an odd phantasmal ripple that fills the stone circle almost like a vertical surface of a body of water through which you can see bright prismatic clouds swirling in a vortex.

Give me an arcana check, all three of you, please.

16 plus nothing.

No.

But what if my character has already figured it out?

That's cool.

That would kick ass.

You got it, Dad.

Here he goes.

Clear the decks.

15.

All right.

You two

realize that as you see this swirling portal, the feeling you have just being close to this thing, it feels.

You sure did, man.

We're going to have to fucking solve that backstage somehow.

The energy coming off this portal, you felt it when time reversed earlier.

And you hear, oh, thank you so much, Paul.

Gatsby reappears on the balcony.

He says, just couldn't wait, could you?

Well, I suppose it's time for the big reveal.

Told you all there's nothing I wouldn't do to fix my mistake of choosing the excitement and glamour of World War I over my lady love, Daisy Buchanan.

But with this time portal, powered by your primal Charlestoning, I'll be able to do just that.

Yes, God, what?

Are you going to stop World War I from happening?

What's that?

Are you gonna stop World War I from happening?

World War I didn't have a single inflection point that caused the entire event to occur.

Outrageous what you just said.

Dear Lord.

No!

What?

Well, he'd already interrupted.

I raised my hand.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Boy,

you all, this feels familiar, this frustration I'm feeling towards.

Well, we went back in time.

The room shakes,

and then it shakes again, over and over, in a quickening rhythm.

And Gatsby looks at the time portal curiously and says, huh?

He pulls out a little scepter from his pocket and starts kind of fiddling with it.

He says, huh, you know?

I wasn't quite sure how to calibrate the portal using the dance energy.

It's possible my calculations were a tad.

And then a Tyrannosaurus Rex smashes through the portal into the grand ballroom of the great Gatsby's estate, just like in the book.

We'll be right back after a brief intermission.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're, you know what they're upset about?

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever ever wanting one thing and that's for me to get the smalls out dad we don't know how to

you know they love the smooth bird dad we want our smooth bird we don't have jobs

we can't buy our own food we don't know how to order things dad we're so scared we're cats and we've gained complete uh human intelligence what's happening where are we yeah Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

When you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

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And it's delivered right to your door.

And cats.com named it their best overall cat food.

And get this, after switching to smalls, 88% of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal

for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that just i was really proud of that sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure hey this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt i just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join the website.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what trap?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah.

new month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com and check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macromerch.com to get yours now.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

I'm Oscar.

I'm Dimitri.

And we are the Euroevangelists.

We're a weekly podcast spreading the word of the Eurovision Song Contest, the most important music competition in the world.

Maybe you already heard Glenn Weldon of NPR's pop culture happy hour talk up our coverage of this year's contest.

But what do we talk about in the offseason?

The rest of Eurovision, duh.

There are nearly seven decades of pop music history to cover.

Mm-hmm.

We've got thousands of amazing songs, inspiring competitors, and so much drama to discuss.

And let me tell you, the drama is juicy.

Plus, all the gorillas and bread-baking grandmas that make Eurovision so special.

Check out Eurovangelists available everywhere you get podcasts, and you could be a Eurovangelist, too.

Ooh, I want to be one.

You already are.

It's that easy.

Okay, cool.

Most of the plants humans eat are technically grass.

Most of the asphalt we drive on is almost a liquid.

The formula of WD40 is San Diego's greatest secret.

Zippers were invented by a Swedish immigrant love story.

On the podcast Secretly Incredibly Fascinating, we explore this type of amazing stuff.

Stuff about ordinary topics like cabbage and batteries and socks.

Topics you'd never expect to be, the title of the podcast, Secretly Incredibly Fascinating.

Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app.

And at maxmumfun.org.

You

you all have just riotously applauded four grown men for peeing in the bathroom

Hey Griffin, you don't know if I peed in the bathroom.

That's fair to pee anyway.

That's a good point also.

I'm 68.

I should get credit for being able to.

Before we see where this definitely planned out storyline takes us.

Yeah.

I want to say thank you to the theater.

Pantejos has been

very welcome.

Thanks for watching.

Thank you to Kevin Budnick for our incredible poster, which is maybe on the screen.

Maybe it'll get up there at some point.

But it's, yeah.

We sign a bunch of them.

They're out there.

Thank you all to, just thank you for coming.

This is a scary show to do every time, and y'all have been absolutely incredible.

If you were at Mbim Bam last night, also, you were incredible then, and we appreciate you so much.

Was anybody at all three shows on this tour?

Wow.

Wow, thank you.

The crossing international lines.

Incredible.

Thank you to Paul and Amanda.

Thank you so much.

And Rachel for Ginevra and James.

Yes, thank you so much.

All right.

And

I need you three to roll for initial.

I got 21.

21 for Mutt and Godwin.

What did you get?

I got a 15.

A 15 for Philo and Godwin.

Thank you for rolling in D ⁇ D Beyond Philo.

That was so nice of you.

And we begin at the top of the order with Crawford Mutt Muttner.

Now, the guests at the party at this point have sort of scrambled for the exits as a handful of straight-up dinosaurs pour out of the portal, including a Velociraptor, a pterodactyl which i know isn't a dinosaur calm the fuck down

it's a pterodon and one t-rex the crowd has uh has thinned leaving uh only the three of you and the great gatsby himself is tom safe Tom and Daisy have gotten to safety with with all their friends.

Can I say what I love, Griffin?

Yeah.

And I'm not an expert at Great Gatsby.

Yeah.

But I do love that you have not introduced what

is the narrator main character.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's just not been there.

Jeremy?

I want to say Jeremy?

I want to say Jeremy?

Look on page five of my cliff notes.

I want to say it's the Toby Maguire character.

The Toby McGuire character.

It's still Toby type.

It says here, just Toby.

He's named after a seed.

Elliot?

No.

Nick Caraway.

Nick Carraway.

No, it's not that.

T.J.

Ecclberg.

That's it.

All right.

This book seems so fucking boring.

I'm glad I didn't read it.

Good for you, Greg.

All right.

So real quick.

You hear the great Gatsby up on the balcony messing with his scepter saying, don't worry, everyone.

Just got to fine-tune the portal.

Then I'll be able to go back to the correct moment and win back my lady love, thereby accomplishing the American dream.

What's cooler, guys?

Having a T-Rex as a friend or saying I hunted and killed a T-Rex?

Ooh.

friend, all right.

I'm gonna cast animal friendship on the T-Rex.

Okay,

I would love to roll a dice to determine whether or not you befriend a fucking T-Rex from prehistoric times.

You need to do a wisdom saving through, you gotta be a 15.

All right, we'll do this straight up.

It's a nat one,

my best friend, the T-Rex, Nick Carraway.

Yeah.

He nods his head.

Nick Caraway.

Okay.

How sompa?

He eats Nick Caraway.

No.

Got it.

I named you Nick Caraway.

Oh, shit.

It's cool, man.

Well, now there's only one.

I just ate the guy.

It's cool.

Great guess.

He hates when people have the same name.

It's totally chill.

I'm going to ride on your head now.

Is that okay?

Yeah, man.

Go for it.

Sick, bro.

I get on the T-Rex.

All right.

I don't know why I didn't see that coming.

I'm disappointed in myself more than anything.

Now all those pictures that the church has put out make sense.

Yeah.

Man riding a T-Rex.

It happens.

Next in the order, a clawfoot raptor is going to be confused.

Look at Godwin.

Look at Puppet Philo.

Look at Mutt.

Nope, not that one.

Puppet Philo.

He is going to come and

do an attack on you with a pounce.

Duz,

let me agree to these cookies.

21, hit your AC.

No, wow.

Yeah, barely.

Just got him.

Just got him.

He jumps on top of you and begins clawing into you.

You see wooden slivers begin to peel off in ribbons.

You are hurt for nine points of slashing damage.

Next in the order,

next in the order, another T-Rex comes through the portal.

I know,

it's smaller, but it's still there.

That's what it says in my notes, Trav.

I typed this shit up.

I was like, two T-Rexes is going to be too much, Griffin.

Stop.

I got a lot of spell slots Griffin

this

second T-Rex

I need to know for the future of this show is Travis's T-Rex army gonna be canonical

how long does this spell last like one hour says forever no it fucking doesn't just say it right there forever

24 hours but I get spell slots back on a long rest that's a good point so I want to keep casting it on my friend T-Rex That's a fucking good point.

He wouldn't resist it.

He's my friend.

Yeah, your fellow adventurers at that point would be like, hey, yeah, Mutt's pretty chill.

He doesn't cast a lot of spells.

No, no.

He uses all of those every day to maintain his T-Rex army.

He just makes sure to wake up every 23 hours and 59 minutes.

Definition of a toxic relationship, honestly.

The second,

way smaller T-Rex

is going to try to chomp down on you, Lady Godwin.

Does a, I mean, this is probably going to hit.

16, actually, versus AC.

Yes, it is.

Yes, okay, that does hit.

You don't want a T-Rex to bite you, period.

You are chomped for 23 points

of damage.

You got it.

And you managed to wriggle your way out of the jaws of this T-Rex.

You are next in the order, Godwin.

Great.

I'm going to make a break for the parking lot.

Okay.

You're going to take an opportunity attack from the T-Rex.

Okay.

All right.

Let him try.

That is an 11 versus 8.

That does not hit.

All right.

You bob and weave around the terrible jaws of this somewhat smaller second T-Rex in the room and manage to make your way to

the exit where

you reach the parking lot.

It's right outside on the lawn.

Okay, I push the button on my key.

You hear a boop boop.

Ah, a Hannah Civic, I see.

Perfect.

To my specifications.

I got to paint a picture for you.

All the other cars out here are fucking Model T's and Studebakers.

And then there's one 1990-something Honda Civic out there.

Yeah.

Whip, whoop.

Yeah.

I'm going to

hop in and

gun it.

All right.

In one direction, please.

No.

That's going to be right through the wall.

So I'm going to need from you

an Arcana check.

Okay.

I don't think you've driven a car before.

A

Carcana check.

A Carcana check.

Thank you so much, Travis.

10.

The unfunniest

number to roll.

Okay, on a 10, you immediately start going backwards.

And Tom is behind the car.

You hear him say, God, I hope the great gotcha.

You keep going, you also hit Myrtle.

She's like, not again!

Shit.

And you said you didn't do it.

That's the only other thing I know about the book.

I read the Spark notes.

I change whatever I did the first time.

I do the opposite of it.

Using context closes.

Using context clues, I change the direction of the vehicle.

Okay,

you drive up the stairs.

in this 1999 Honda Civic

and smash through the front door of the Great Gatsby's Manor.

He says, no!

Fuck,

that's when I ramp off the T-Rex up to the balcony.

Can I already hold on?

I already went up the stairs.

I don't even need to roll.

It's a straight line.

No, my man.

This has been a lot of business for a single action.

I am going to need another Carkano roll to drop.

At a certain point, Griffin, it is a vehicle.

You can't just tell me to stop doing it.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's inertia, baby.

Because a round of combat is six six seconds.

Yeah, but it's a car.

It's in motion.

I can't stop it.

Exactly, which would make it pretty scary for a non-driver, I think.

Give me a Carcana check, please.

Carkana check.

That's an 18.

Okay, I'm going to roll a dexterity saving throw.

For...

Okay, that's a 22 that the Great Gatsby rolled.

He steps out of the way, but you do manage to smash into the wall of the balcony.

You have brought yourself now level with the Great Gatsby.

And I'm standing over him.

You're not standing at all.

You're in a towering room.

You've just been in a serious automobile accident.

Give me a constitution saving throw.

This is a serious

me.

Okay, wait, stop.

Kidding aside, send jokes out of the room.

Are you telling me that the Great Gatsby got a dexterity saving roll so good that it made me do a car wreck.

Yeah, no roll a constitution saving throw.

You've just been in a car accident, Justin.

11.

Ha ha ha.

The airbags deploy.

You are going to take eight points of bludgeoning damage.

All right, I can handle that.

All right.

Next in the order.

And I look at the great Gatsby.

So much business for a single turn.

And I just, well, I finally made it to the balcony.

Yeah, could I say?

Leaning out the window of a devastated Honda Civic.

I'm leaning out upside down and I'm saying, looks like there's a greater gets me.

You got me, he says.

Next in the order.

Can I black out?

Next in the order is Philo.

Godwin is bloodied already at this point because of this incredible stunt.

Philo drinks his altar self

potion.

What form have you taken with your alter self?

An adorable

little

baby T-Rex.

And he patters up to the T-Rex and says,

Mama.

The smaller T-Rex.

The small T-Rex.

The big ones for you.

Okay, the smaller T-Rex.

I love, by the way, that, like, I befriended that T-Rex and ended my tongue.

Yeah.

Like, me and that T-Rex.

Meanwhile, Justin's over here.

You stole a Honda Civic.

Crashed a Honda Civic.

It's inertia, guys.

It's not my fault.

Yeah.

An object in motion, etc.

You.

All right, Philo.

I'm going to need from you a performance check to be a baby dinosaur.

Please.

I will give you an advantage because you look a lot like a baby dinosaur right now.

Okay.

That would be.

That's a six.

Yeah, that's a six.

Damn, I forgot that you can see it.

Yeah.

Okay.

You have advantage, though.

Let's see.

That second roll is a two.

All right, so wait, wait, let me recreate it.

Okay.

Goes waddling up and goes.

Looks down at you.

Your alter self maybe didn't have like a great it's the 1920s Maybe not everybody knows what dinosaurs look like, and that's okay.

Okay, can I make a suggestion, Griffin?

Yeah, please.

He ends up looking like the baby dinosaur puppet from dinosaurs.

Oh, yeah, exactly.

Steal the baby!

Hold on, Paul will get you a taste.

Hold on, yeah, if I know Paul, Paul's already deep.

Paul's got a series of baby dinosaurs.

New folder, new folder, new folder, new folder, new folder.

The big T-Rex, or rather, the somewhat smaller T-Rex looks at you and says,

no!

However, it already went, so it does not, thank you so much, Paul.

Who could say no to that face?

Yeah, I think I need double advantage.

No, I think next in the order, the pterodactyl is going to swoop down and try and grab you.

Does a

17 versus AC hit.

Yeah.

Okay.

These dinosaurs are so mean.

You take three points of slashing damage as it buries its talons into your wooden frame, and then you are lifted up into the sky ten feet as it carries you away.

Next in the order is the great Gatsby.

When's it my T-Rex's turn?

You're up next.

Next in the well, your T-Rex, you sort of made do a thing on your own turn.

He hasn't done a shit yet.

Oh, okay.

Are you sure?

Yeah, man.

Okay, it's your turn.

The dinosaur's turn.

I assumed you had already done it.

No, I got on his back.

Okay, cool.

You're on its back, and now you can do a thing.

Okay.

I'm going to ask my T-Rex

to stomp down on the stone

pedestal that we're standing on as hard as we can.

The thing that rose up and was being charged with all the charges.

With the big stone disc on it, with the portal disc.

Okay.

Yeah, cool.

Roll.

It nods its head.

It's going to just make a straight up attack roll on the metal floor.

And

it got a 12, which doesn't feel right to me.

It smashes its foot down on the floor.

It trembles a little bit.

You see the portal shake as that happens.

Gatsby yells, hey, stop that.

I need that portal to go back in time and win back the heart of my.

Hey!

For you listening at home, Travis just gave his own brother the finger.

Travis didn't.

He would never.

Munt flipped off great Gatsby.

I love Griffin and I love what he's doing.

But Munt is like, fuck off.

He looks incensed and he looks over at you and your crashed Honda Civic, but he's more upset about the middle, the cold bird he just got.

He says, looks like someone wants to find out why I'm called the Great Gatsby.

And he pulls out a Gatling gun that he got from World War One.

Make a dexterity saving throw for me, Mutt.

That is a 13 plus dexterity saving throw

plus

7 a gentleman's 20.

All right, gentleman's 20, you dive out of the way of a hail of gunfire that the great Gatsby leverages at your direction.

And Mutt's giving him back rapid fire.

Yeah, you are up next, Mutt.

I'll sign this one for myself.

It is your turn.

From this point, I will say the T-Rex acts on your turn with you.

Just to keep things straight.

But two separate actions.

Two separate actions.

Okay.

That's right.

I am going to

do ensnaring strike on the

pterodon.

Okay.

You have to roll an attack roll against the pterodon to make that

work.

No.

No.

Is a 13 hit?

A 13 does hit.

Wee!

Yeah, it's not wearing armor.

It's a fucking pterodactyl.

Okay,

so Vines are going to grab that bad boy.

They got a succeed on a strength saving throw.

Not the pterodactyl's strong suit, I will say.

No, that's a seven, not gonna hit, whatever.

Okay, so it takes one D6 piercing damage at the start of each of its turn.

It's also you got to roll damage on your uh, your hit with your weapon, right?

Oh, correct.

Yeah, go ahead and do that as well.

Pterodactyl, I will say, not a lot of HP on this one.

Did he drop bad?

Yeah, I'd say, hold on, we'll get there in a second.

Um,

nine

for 13 damage, yeah, uh,

13 damage.

Okay, it looks pretty fucking bad.

Is that plus the snaring strike?

Well, that happens on its turn.

Okay.

Well, then,

the pterodactyl,

yes, it is going to just crash down onto the ground.

Give me a dexterity saving throw just to see if you land on your feet or not, Puppet Philo.

You're not going to take any damage.

You got it.

19.

Yes, on a 19.

You land on your feet as the pterodactyl crashes down to the ground.

Would you like your T-Rex to do something?

Yes, I would.

I would like it to swipe its tail at the Velociraptor.

Okay.

You order the T-Rex to swipe its tail at the Velociraptor.

You ask the T-Rex to

the Velociraptor.

It does not hit.

It's when you magically enchant someone into being your friend.

It's a 9 versus AC.

I'm charming.

The Velociraptor is a little bit too fast for your surprisingly ineffectual T-Rex that you have.

There you go.

That's my friend.

Just saying.

That's Travis Rex.

Next.

Next in the order is the raptor who is going to try and pounce on the T-Rex and climb up to where you're sitting on its head.

It is going to...

That hits the T-Rex as it starts to scratch into the T-Rex's high, dealing somewhat insignificant amount of damage.

It begins to work its way up towards you.

It is nipping at your heels, Mutt.

That is the position of things as it is now.

20 second attack.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, for sure.

Did you forget that that's a 20?

I did.

Yeah,

you rolled a nat 20?

Yes, 29 total.

He did.

Oh, my gosh.

I just saw it pop up.

Okay,

give me double damage, Dyson.

So 16 total in the Velociraptor.

That is its exact HP.

You fucking light this thing up with your crossbow.

No one hurts, Travis Rex.

No.

It slides off the back of the T-Rex and

falls to the floor with a gross thump.

I'm going to be talking about that at Muttner Family Reunions for fucking years.

An intimate affair at this point.

Yeah, there's only the two of us left.

Just me and Ma.

Next in the order is Lady Godwin in

the crashed Honda Civic, 30 feet in the air by the balcony.

I fell to safety, you said.

What's that?

I fell to safety.

No, you were up there.

You're like with the balcony zone where

the Great Gatsby is.

You just didn't hit the Great Gatsby.

Okay.

I would like to...

What's the Great Gatsby doing right now?

Shooting a gun at Mutt.

Okay.

I'm going to disrupt that action.

Okay.

I am going to strike to disarm with Jennifer Myers.

I'm going to try to knock the gun, hit the gun.

That's the name of his axe, if you haven't listened to this show before.

Her axe.

Okay, make an attack roll for me against the great Gatsby.

Oh, it's a 20.

I rolled a 20 plus 6.

So 26.

Jesus Christ.

220 is the number.

Yeah, okay.

So...

21 damage.

You are trying to disarm him is what you're trying to do, correct?

I mean, I was hitting the gun.

That's what I'm doing.

Hitting the gun.

Okay, I mean, with a fucking Nat 20, chop, you chop this thing in half.

That's cool.

Now he's got a snub-nosed Gatling gun, which isn't anything.

And it explodes.

Loads.

Sorry?

Do you think it explodes?

I don't know.

Do I think it explodes?

Make a luck check for me.

You get a 15 or above.

This guy's gun fucking explodes.

17.

Hell yeah, I'm learning I'm learning so much about technology today

Guns cars

Yeah, okay

The gun explodes in the great Gatsby's hands

Make a dexterity saving throw Lady Godwin as the gun explodes

Hmm, well

Should have stuck with that Yes, that's a seven That's a seven.

Okay, both you and the great Gatsby are thrown backwards over the balcony as the gun explodes.

Uh you fall to the floor.

You both take uh

15 points of uh of bludgeoning damage and land on the floor.

This is going

just fine.

On the being alive front, I'm doing so good.

No one should

see your HP in D ⁇ D be on.

I know for a fact that's not true.

However, you do also see the Great Gatsby fall to the floor.

Also, he is maintaining a tight grip on

the scepter he has been fiddling with since conducting this magical experiment.

Next in the order is Philo.

What do you do?

Philo casts alter self.

Fucking again?

Yep.

Are you going to look like a baby Great Gatsby?

Nope.

Little Gatsby.

Please.

Little Gatsby.

A minor Gatsby.

He's going to look like Daisy.

Okay.

Give me

another performance check, bearing in mind that I can see the numbers you roll on the Dyson D ⁇ D Beyond.

Hold on.

Was I successful in making myself look like Daisy?

That's what you're rolling for.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why should I make a performance roll for a spell?

Well, Father, if right now I'm looking at you and you, Clint McElroy, make yourself look like someone else,

I know you're Clint McElroy who's made themselves look like someone else.

No matter how much you look like someone else in that moment, I watched you do it.

You didn't step cleverly behind a curtain and come out the other side.

If you change your body right now to look like Vin Diesel, but then you're also like, hey, everybody, it's me, Clint McElroy.

People are going to know.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, fair enough.

Also, it's a weird vibe to attack the DMs decision on this stage.

It's a scary position to put your son in, I feel like.

Well, I just haven't done shit all night.

I know, I know.

And you took away my cliff notes.

Here.

I caught it.

I don't know.

It's a natural 20, huh?

Fuck.

Okay.

Now, wait.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Wait.

Doesn't that feel better?

Yeah.

Doesn't that feel better to like earn it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

It's this is what I keep telling you guys.

Dungeons and Dragons is a fun game to play it.

We should give it a chance.

He looks at you, perplexed.

Daisy, I thought you got to safety.

I just missed you.

I missed you so much.

I love you.

You are the most precious, most important thing.

Hold on.

Wait a minute.

And I drink the truth serum.

The truth potion.

Dad's doing some nose work for the friends at home.

So anyway,

I love you, and I realize that I have done you dirty many times over.

Tom barges into the room.

Oh, man.

How are you alive?

What?

You got run over.

He did, Griffin.

Oh, yeah.

With a car.

I listen, I know you don't want dad to be critical.

You're DMing, and I get it for sure.

But when someone is hit by a car, you do need to address it.

Yeah.

I just, I feel so

guilty.

So we won't.

That's what I was doing.

Okay, no, I love you.

He immediately lurches over.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

This is like when I got that football injury.

Yeah.

Fuck.

See, look at this loser.

He's got tire tracks.

All right, babe.

Babe.

Shh, shh, shh.

I'm doing a thing here.

No, why, babe?

I love you too.

Yeah.

I need you in my life, babe.

I know he's got more money than me.

I know I don't make the big bucks like him.

But I do my best out here, you know, working 15-hour shifts

at the football factory, trying to make a home for us.

I'm really

burning my dad to work this out, you know.

Tom,

I need to tell you something.

Just drop it.

What is it, I guess?

What is it, babe?

God, you're so pretty.

I'm carrying Jay's baby.

Who's Jay?

Who the fuck is Jay?

Which one's Jay?

The great Gatsby.

I thought his first name was great.

Look.

I'm so confused and bummed out right now.

Jay Gatchby.

Me too.

I'm going to go to the hospital

for a broken heart.

Way to go.

Way to go, Tom.

Another fuck up in a big long line of fuck-ups that is your life.

God, I thought he'd never leave.

Anyway,

Jay.

That was pretty mean, Daisy.

Look, I'm trying to give you a chance.

I'm trying to give you a chance to show your love for me.

Yeah, no, for sure.

But you told me you would do anything for me.

Give me anything.

I'm realizing just now in this moment, I should have just had Tom killed.

It would have been way easier than building a time portal and having a bunch of strangers power it with the power of their Charlestoning.

That's like, now that I say it out loud, kind of fucking wild.

Can I ask Atsby, what was the plan?

Yeah, so,

this magic portal requires a lot of power.

Power provided by Charleston.

That's what was clear, yeah.

Yes, and then I was gonna go back and then I would go to where I was like, World War One, baby, let's go get the bad guys from World War I.

And I'd be like, no, don't.

It's me from the future.

It's so sad if you don't, if you don't get up.

Yeah, man.

But then if you did that, you never would have gone back in time to tell yourself not to do it.

It's very wibbly-wobbly.

You would have created a paradox there, my man.

You would have turned this universe inside out.

God, I...

Did you ever think about just talking to Daisy and seeing if she'd leave Tom?

He kind of sucks.

You know, that's funny.

I liked Tom.

No, I like him as a person, not as a partner.

He really likes football.

He does love football.

I'd hang out with him.

I wouldn't be married to him.

I don't want to destroy the fabric of space-time.

No, man.

I'm incredibly selfish, but I'm not that selfish.

So, you know what?

It's nice to know your boundaries.

Absolutely.

I've decided right now, I'm going to make a switch.

I'm going.

And then the smaller T-Rex reaches down and

chomps up the Great Gatsby.

Wait, he ate Gatsby?

He ate the Great Gatsby, yeah.

No, he ate Gatsby.

He ate Gatsby.

He ate Gatsby, yes.

Did he eat the talisman, too?

The scepter?

No, the scepter falls to the ground right at

this somewhat smaller T-Rex's feet.

And smaller Gatsby.

And daisies.

And yes, you are still, yes.

This ruse has worked for you.

Next in the order, however, is, I mean, that was the small T-Rex's turn.

I will say eating the Great Gatsby counts as an action.

Next in the order is the Pteranodon.

It looks down at itself at one hit point and is like...

And goes back through the portal and just fucking vanishes.

Oh, nice.

Next in the order is the Great Gatsby.

Oh, no!

Next in the order is Mutt.

Sick.

What?

I'm going to slide down like

Fred Flintstone.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to yabba-dab-a-doo right down the thing to grab the scepter.

Okay.

And I'm going to attempt.

Yeah, awesome.

I only made one attack.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a good one, though.

Okay.

You also crashed a Honda Civic into the state of the Great Gatsby.

I'm going to try to run this whole thing back till just before everybody starts Charlestoning.

Awesome.

Give me an Arcana check as you try to operate this

philo.

No.

This is your action, my friend.

You can do this.

The.

Yes, here it comes.

Arcana, you say?

Yeah, man.

It is a 15 plus one, a 16.

All right.

All right.

What exact moment are you trying to rewind it to?

I want to get it back to right before Gatsby said.

Everybody, Charleston.

Okay.

Okay.

I just think for it to work.

Hey, he's going to have to pay.

Wait, wait.

What are you doing?

You're at my table.

He's over there.

That's true.

Yeah, but I think to use the scepter properly, you're going to have to

Charleston.

How about you have to suck my butt?

You perform the un-Charleston as you mess with the Huntington.

You perform the Huntington, West Virginia.

Man, if you live 2,000 miles from here, you'd think that was hilarious.

The portal, the surface of it, bellows and buckles and shoots outward, filling the room with this multicolored cloud.

It swirls around you, it consumes your senses, and then it sucks back in,

back down onto the floor.

And you all see the great Gatsby up on his balcony

and he shouts out and win back the heart of my lady love.

Nothing, nothing I wouldn't.

What?

Hey man, so everybody started Charleston in and we went and got the three keys from everybody and then we turned them and we opened the thing and the portal opened and a T-Rex and a bunch of dinosaurs came through and one of the T-Rexes ate you and she drove a Honda Civic over two people here at the party and then I used the scepter to turn back.

Don't do this man.

Just talk to Daisy Daisy tell her how you feel

yes tell me how you feel he don't look like Daisy right now ignore him but there's another

hey I'm at your table there's there's clearly another daisy that is

give me a

I want a group persuasion check from you all.

We will remove the highest and lowest roll and take the middlest roll of the table.

That's an eight from me.

Okay, not great.

Uh-oh.

Oh, dad rolled a natural 20.

I had a 14.

All right.

I will respect the nat 20 here and say.

Gatsby looks at you and he says, wow,

there's a lot about this time travel stuff I guess I don't understand.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just talk to Daisy.

He dissents and has a word with Daisy.

And you see Tom nod, smiling.

You can't hear him, but he's like,

and he walks out of the building alone.

Now, is he having a word with me, Daisy?

No, he's having...

Do you want that?

You're weirdly invested in this, Dad.

I don't if we're voting.

And...

I don't know.

There's just something about him.

Yeah, sure.

He's great.

Great.

He is great.

And

the party commences.

No time travel, no dinosaurs.

It's just kind of a kick-ass rager.

And

as you all get in your cars that evening to drive off,

You

just see a crowd of just 1920s people smiling and laughing.

You see Myrtle again.

We're never going to die, she shouts.

Gatsby's like, yeah, me neither.

It's all uphill from here, baby.

And meanwhile, the whole time, the eyes of Dr.

Big Glasses watches in judgment.

I think he's a metaphor for God or something.

Anyway, thanks everybody for coming to Taz vs.

the Great Gatsby.

Goodbye.

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