The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 30

It has been

some time since you.

How much?

Well, as we all Let me think the year is 18

I want to say 16 does that feel right juice you're the one who established the the the time of this 18 16 doesn't that sound right oh I like the feel of it maybe it was 16 18 those are two profoundly different

my I have a historical rule okay and this is this is how I remember it uh if there's a 19 in front you've got cars to bunt

if there's an 18 up top there's lights all around.

17 at the beginning candles, my friend.

That's how I...

That's the case.

That goes candles, lights, cars.

Our candles, lights, cars.

Lights, cars, computers.

The three eras.

What is a computer but the 20th century equivalent of that is our new cars.

Yes.

If you have a computer, it's a two.

The candle of

today.

We've got real epilogue hanging out in the lounge, wiping off the makeup, sleepover energy right now.

And I'm enjoying it.

It has been some time.

The amount of time is up to you as we spend a moment here at the end of this campaign.

Three months.

Three months.

Three months.

Okay.

It can be different.

Yeah, that's about one boat ride to England plus some time to King.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

They definitely make you take a boat.

Let's start with you, Crawford.

Where do we find you in the next fiscal quarter?

um well uh mutt is strolling through the newly established teddy the invisible man plus chupacabra equals bfff uh animal sanctuary okay that's the name they settled on well that's the name that mutt insisted on ah of crazy teddy the invisible man plus chupacabra equals bfff animal sanctuary uh for cryptids okay

yeah you know there's like some rescued baby chupacabras in there.

There's, you know, there's Dracula heads with just wings.

I don't know if any of those survived.

I mean, you could probably

breed them.

You could, I guess, grow them if you wanted.

Like a C-man.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess that's really the ultimate way to defeat the big bad of the season is to turn him into multiple seamans.

Yeah.

But, you know, there's just lots of, you know, little werewolf pups and stuff around there just to keep them safe.

A lot of rehabilitation happening from injured,

you know, injured baby cryptids.

You may not like this.

The people who live in, I guess, London?

No, I said this up in Manchester.

Oh, Manchester, beautiful.

Can I tell you?

I basically just turned all of Manchester into an animal sanctuary.

Wow, wild.

I bet they loved that.

Everyone in town calls it the Tedding Zoo instead of the long long name that you came up with.

Yeah, that's fair.

And okay, you're strolling through this city-sized animal sanctuary where people

that's the thing about cryptids, right?

A lot of them are pretty person-like, right?

I'm not just going to put them in the woods.

Your

chancellor of the vault,

sort of the financial advisor to you.

Lord Moneybags.

Mr.

Moneybags, you call him affectionately.

He comes sprinting towards you.

That's not his real name, by the way.

That's what Mutt calls him.

Yeah, of course.

No, his real name is Franchester.

From Manchester.

His name is

Manchester Franchester is his full name.

He is Mr.

Moneybags to you, and he's the Chancellor of the Vault.

He comes from...

Francester, Manchester, Francester?

You've gone too far.

He comes sprinting up to you from where he was hiding behind some garbage cans.

His face is terribly scratched up, and he's like, Ah, Oh, my leash.

There you are.

Thank you so much for meeting with me.

He looks around nervously.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, man.

It's probably, I don't know, maybe a swamp monster or something.

Maybe a string-heeled Jack or Jill or something.

What's up, man?

Okay, um, well, I just wanted to give you

sort of the quarterly report on the kingdom's financial well-being.

Um, tourism, way up, lots of people coming to visit.

Um, population down.

A lot lot of people left when you turned the whole city into a zoo, my lord.

But it was just this one city, the rest of England, I didn't do nothing to.

Yes, no, the rest of England is stoked because now they can come and see Bigfoot and hang out with him.

But the people whose houses then became Bigfoot's house by way of Bigfoot force, they were not so stoked.

But, my liege, I'm don't get me wrong, Franchester's bad, baba, loving it.

Okay, but uh, yes, you know what we should do?

What's that, my lord?

Let's take France, man.

That way we have more room for people, and we'll just add them all into the population.

You see, from another pile of garbage cans,

a bigger, nervous-looking man, you know, as Slamchester, runs up and he's like, my lord,

as Chancellor of the Sword, you should

maybe talk with me first.

Like, it's a formality, certainly, but before sort of declaring invasion plans of a

lot of people.

I think we'd ask for it.

The implications of that are.

Can you hang on one second?

He leans over and he talks into his wristband, and then seconds later, Merlin appears.

He looks so tired.

And he's like, Ah, my lord.

So, thinking about invading France, huh?

For the...

Well, I know it's going to be a big deal.

Yes, no.

I mean, your divine will, I...

I suppose is law.

Well, it's...

No, no, no, no, no.

We don't need...

Is there a country nobody's doing anything anything with that they wouldn't mind if we evaded?

Sure.

Empty town, they call it.

Okay, that Merlin.

Yes.

Is that Antarctica?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

That works.

I say that there might be people living on Antarctica, and I'm not trying to get, you know, shut down.

So let's...

My lord!

What's that big one that's kind of west over there?

It's real cold, but it ain't Antarctica.

It's like a big,

cold.

Canada!

No, not that one.

That's the wait.

Nobody eats shredded wheat.

To the east.

The one to the east.

My lord.

Starts with an R.

What is it?

I feel like you're trying to...

I feel like you're trying to trick me into sort of endorsing a hostile.

We're going to...

Let's invade Russia.

My lord, okay.

You know what?

Let's talk about this tomorrow at the

meeting of the chancellors.

And we'll give you time to sleep that is at

10

in the morning ah

my lord um

you have a uh visitor waiting for you in the uh the royal chambers

okay

that that's maybe let's talk about the war stuff tomorrow and maybe we can sort of dive into the terrible human cost of it okay

and then we'll uh circle back.

Gosh.

Sounds good, man.

High five.

Yes, high five.

He puts his hand up and your hand goes right through it because he's a hologram.

And he says,

Even

though I'm sorry, I am sure glad you are the one who pulled the sword out, my liege.

You're crushing it.

Certainly, things are a lot more exciting around here.

And then a werewolf jumps through his hologram and he's like, oh, fuck!

And he vanishes suddenly.

William,

I told you, be cool, man.

You can't scare people people like that.

That's what makes people afraid of y'all.

Sorry.

Old Topic.

I know, bud.

I know, man.

Hey, keep it chill, bud.

He snaps at you, points fingers.

Do you return to the chambers?

Yeah, sure, man.

You

return up to the castle, which is surrounded by...

I would say a platoon of guards who are in a constant state of kind of roused alarm.

I do stop by and see my wife first.

Oh, you got married?

Yeah, Misty Bullgard.

Misty Bullgard.

Yep.

Once I was the king, listen, we already were kind of dating and interested in each other.

You'll remember back to like episode three.

But once I became king, like the Bullguards were kind of like on board a lot more with it.

And I, you know, I freed everybody from the thing.

So, uh, we got married.

And I need to rebuild the line too.

Absolutely.

You return to the royal chambers.

Just outside, you see.

And I also have a million dollars.

Kick ass.

Yeah.

I mean, tourism.

Tourism's good right now.

Yeah, but...

As you return, you see Misty sitting at a little writing desk in the drawing room.

She looks up and she says, we've received another letter, my love.

It's from my brother, Cedric.

Ah, cool, man.

He begs you to reconsider his proposal of turning the

Terring Zoo into a sort of high-stakes hunting grounds for monster hunters.

Yes, no, I know.

It's barbaric.

Simply.

Maybe laser tag.

Laser tag.

Oh, shit.

Paintball, yes.

That certainly won't confuse you.

We can maybe do that with Bath.

We can make Bath into a whole like paintball city.

I have a cousin who lives in Bath who is sort of an extreme sports nut.

So I'm sure he would be a fan of that.

Listen,

your mother is waiting for you in your

royal chambers.

I told her to make herself comfortable.

I don't know

if you've kept in touch with her since.

Yeah.

Oh, okay, great.

It's my mom.

Fuck her.

I'm in Merlin to see her all the time.

I should probably know what your relationship is like with your mother.

But I suppose we haven't been married too long.

Not long.

Hey, are you pregnant yet?

Do you know?

Not yet.

We'll work on it.

Wink.

Gross.

Love you.

Hey, in the game, she's my wife.

Guess so.

We have a loving, passionate relationship in the game.

I can't wait to make a million babies with you.

Okay.

That's too many.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now you're freaked out.

No, I'm just saying a million babies?

Yes.

I'm not sure what I'm saying.

It's like a brood mother situation.

Well,

like four is like tops where I want right now.

We'll split the difference.

Okay.

What?

Is that four?

499,998.

Somewhere in there.

Yeah, okay.

That sounds good.

Cool thing.

Sick, bro.

High five.

She high fives you.

Sorry about Charles.

Are you pregnant now?

Holy shit, yes.

Generations.

In the future, we'll speak of...

There will be entire religions, I think, that form around this child that was born, not of immaculate conception, but pretty.

A smackulate conception.

A smackulate conception.

You retire to your chambers, and you find your mother in here.

She is cleaning up, even though there's no way it was dirty.

Like, you have a lot of people who make sure that the castle isn't dirty.

Yeah.

What up, Dowager Muttner?

Oh, don't mind me there, Crawford.

I was just

got a few smudges here on the silver and I was just getting it spot clean.

Okay.

Hey, how do you doing here, Ma?

Well, it's just been so long since you come see me.

I know you've sent me Merlin.

You sent your old ghost to come and visit.

He's a holler gram.

He's a hologram when he's in my neck of the woods.

Oh, I get it.

Hey, nice, Ma.

Thank you.

I just want to check in on you, make sure you're eating good.

See how you're doing.

Yeah, I'm king.

So they feed me pretty good here.

Alright.

All burgers I want.

I see you

spiced up the neighborhood a little bit with a little bit of rural charm.

Do you mean

the Teddy Invisible Man plus Chupa Cabra Equals BFF Animal Sanctuary?

Yes.

And also, you know, all the fireworks and shit.

There's so many fire.

She likes to ducks from the window as a giant firework is set off outside.

Oh, I guess it must be two o'clock.

Yep.

And I'm setting up a bunch of dirt ramps over the fames, and people are going to be able to take like

their like ATVs and like ramp it and shit.

It's going to be awesome.

That sounds so Crawford.

I'm listening I know this is the first time I ever said nothing like this to you before in our whole life and that's probably hugely been detrimental to your growth but i just want to tell you that i'm so proud of you i know your papa would be too you done you've done a lot of well if your papa was here he probably would want you to go out with like a big hammer or something go bonk all the animals outside and then you know turn i'd hope he'd have the you know the room for change and whatnot your papa no way honey he was not that was not his stuck in his ways yeah hey ma can i say something and i appreciate you opening up to me and telling me you're proud of me and stuff.

But

killing Dracula and becoming king of England, if that's what it takes to earn your pride, that's pretty high standard, Ma.

You have to admit.

That was actually, she pulls out a little slip of paper.

She's like, I actually wrote this letter to myself the day you was born.

And it says inside of it that my only wish for you was to kill Dracula and become king of England.

That's your only wish, Ma?

Not like happiness or start a family or like a family.

I'm pretty happy now, son.

You got a million dollars.

You send this sexy old ghost to my house every weekend.

Ma, you got a thing from Merlin?

Hell yeah, man.

He's got some of the wildest pornography I have ever seen in my life.

Yeah, he do, don't he?

Listen, if you guys want to be a celebrity couple, you can be Marlon.

I mean, what if he smells weird?

I ain't seen him in the meat space yet.

Can I tell you, I haven't either.

I'm not exactly sure where he's based out of in this castle.

I've been looking for him, though.

I'm going to find him.

Oh, this sounds fun.

Let me know when you find him.

I wouldn't mind.

There's a big spooky tower over there.

That might be it.

What's that?

There's a big spooky tower over there.

That might be it.

They won't let me in there.

I'm going to get in there.

You're okay.

Climb it, son.

I will.

All right.

Well, she starts talking to you.

You start to lose focus a little bit.

You hear a rattling noise,

and it is coming from your nightstand.

From a drawer on your nightstand.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, man, I'm going to ride that beard like it's.

Oh, Ma, Ma, Mom.

Time out, time out, time out.

What's wrong?

Yeah, hold on.

I opened the drawer.

You open the drawer.

And

for.

Oh, and just to establish, before any action moves forward, Lady Aggie has her own room.

She's the royal dog.

Her and Sloppy have had a whole brood at this point.

Oh, for sure.

They've got like nine pups going on.

That's a really

fertile, wild BMX kingdom you've founded.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

But not like an idiocracy.

It's thriving.

People don't like the change.

but it's fucking thriving.

They are cuddled up with a litter of pups right next to the ninth stand as you open it.

Now I open the drawer.

For

they also have a million dollars.

You move some of the million dollars out of the way.

The dogs have a million dollars.

I have a million dollars.

I gave my mom a million dollars.

Fuck it.

I'm the king, dude.

I give princess.

You have three million dollars.

And you're on every one of them.

Your face is on every one of them yeah man it's kick ass you push aside this these huge piles of money and it's just one million dollar bill or three million dollar bills i guess yes i'm on each of them you push aside a letter from the chancellor of the vault begging you begging you to stop giving people and dogs millions dollars or make so many more millions of dollars for yourself that it's not even a thing anymore you know

it's like confetti

your

attention is

drawn completely to the item waiting for you below these letters and money.

And as it rattles, you

use the voice of your mother continuing to talk to you just kind of completely fades into the background.

At the bottom of this drawer, rattling on the hard wood floor of it,

you

see a shard of bone

that

you have fashioned into a sort of

extra-dimensional radio, a walkie-talkie.

Yeah.

And

you look down at your bone phone

that

is ringing because

it's that time of the month.

Oh, boy.

And

the God of Darkness on

would like to have a word.

Hey, Saruma, I gotta take this.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to...

Yeah, they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats, and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

When you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

Smalls cat food is protein-packed recipes made with preservative-free ingredients.

And it's delivered right to your door and cats.com named it their best overall cat food and get this after switching to smalls 88 of cat owners report overall health improvements for smalls food that's a big deal for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud

sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping.

Again, that's smalls.com slash adventure.

Hey, this week we're coming to, sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

And I'm here and I'm interrupting too.

If you're coming to

our shows this week in San Antonio and Austin, thank you.

If you're not already planning on coming, why not?

We want to see you there.

We need you there.

Join us.

What are you doing?

That's so great.

Yeah.

If you're coming to the show and you want to have a question,

you got a question you want answered, you want a fear read aloud, we got you.

Email that to mbmbam at maximumfund.org and put your city in the subject line in Austin.

And also doing what, Trav?

What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

You're going to feel happier than you've ever felt in your entire life.

Yeah, we're also coming to Utah and California later this year.

Tickets for all those shows are on sale now.

More info and ticket links are available at bit.ly forward slash McElroy Tours.

Oh, we also have new merch because it's a new month.

Yeah.

New month, new merch, new you.

Well, yeah, sort of.

We've got a brand new Gerald t-shirt over there designed by Lynn Doyle.

Go to macroymerch.com, check it out.

And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Equality Florida, which is dedicated to securing full equality for Florida's LGBTQ community.

So go to macroymerch.com to get yours now.

I'm Jesse Thorne.

I just don't want to leave a mess.

This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife.

I think I'm going to roam in a few places.

Yes, I'm going to manifest and roam.

All that and more on the next Bullseye from maximumfund.org and NPR.

Hello, teachers and faculty.

This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Allison Bree, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience.

One you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory.

The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls.

Let's jump over to

Lady Godwin.

Yeah.

It's been three months.

Griffin, this is unconventional, but I should also warn you that I've written

the ending for mine.

Oh, Christ.

And it's a surprise ending, but I've written it for you to read read verbatim.

So, like, you don't have to worry about it, but it will be a surprise.

But I'm telling you that now so you don't get derailed.

Hey, man, if I don't have to make shit up, like this sets a terrible precedent, but if I don't have to make shit up for a few minutes, hell yes, dude.

Okay.

I'm so tired, man.

We've been going for 20 minutes.

I'm so tired.

All right, cool.

All right, go ahead.

Where did you send this to me at?

No, no, I didn't send it to you yet.

It's a surprise ending, I said.

So we got to start doing our ending, and then there'll be a surprise ending.

That'll be separate from that ending.

Okay, great.

But you don't have to worry about ending our ending because there's a surprise ending.

So you don't think it would be easier for me to do an ending if you told me how it ends.

So here's the problem.

It wouldn't be a surprise.

Do you hear me what I'm saying?

Yes.

It's got to come out of nowhere, right?

Okay.

And if

it's got to be, if I send it to you before, then it'll be in your head, like, I should start building to that and that won't be a surprise that'll just be narratively satisfying we don't need that okay a surprise all right um this should be fun

where do we find you in three months yes i have recently opened

lady godwin's finishing school for young professionals and it is where i teach people all the finishing moves that i know uh how to get the cleanest kills when you're in the field.

I will say this.

It has has been lightly attended.

It's more of a social club for me, honestly, where adventurers can just come and hang out and do whatever.

And yes,

you know, I can teach a little bit, but mainly it's about the tea.

It's about the friendship.

Amazing.

Do you teach here or are you more in an administrative role?

It's like

It's like when I worked at a local news website that was also in a coffee shop.

And so people would just hang out at the coffee shop and work on stories why they bought coffee from themselves.

It's kind of like that.

It's about, it's like that, it's like the

elks.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

A lodge setup.

A guild.

I love it.

Yeah.

We learn from each other and from ourselves.

You are watching sort of a demonstration testing for her, you know, whatever the Lady Godwin equivalent of like a black belt

is.

Sandy Four Blades.

She is a

very different in style and build from Lady Godwin.

She is much more a sort of duelist type, but she holds four swords in her hands at the same time.

That's sort of like her thing.

And a lot of people have said, like, why not two double-bladed swords?

But she likes the flexibility of just having four swords.

You've never seen anything like it.

There's a juggling element that is very exciting.

And Sandy Four Blades is, you know, cutting some bamboo, cutting some logs,

and does a sort of final pose on the ground and then like looks up at you expectantly.

Well,

I've seen better.

But not many.

Are you talking about

Myra Five Blades?

I fucking hate her.

She stole my thing.

Did you know she was originally Myra 3 Blades?

And then I stepped up the...

My four blades, yes, I know.

But then I stepped up the game, I evolved it, right?

And you do make the smoothest, most satisfying cuts.

We can all agree.

But

killing things isn't just about what's in here, it's about what's in here, and also in here

and here.

Sorry, she was wearing her blindfold that she was doing this.

I didn't see what places you were pointing to.

I forgot the ones that I pointed to and ones I haven't, because I only got halfway through.

But it comes from all of you.

It's a concert, really, of um

hurting things and your body must be the symphony hmm

that is amazing um is this something that sorry um

professor

oh you can call me lady godwyn wow uh lady godwin is that something that you learned during your quest

no actually this body already knew how to do all the killing i've just been kind of watching it go

I'm kind of a nepo body, you know.

I already had it.

It was my memory.

Sorry.

Honestly, I didn't.

I feel a little guilty.

I think that's part of what I'm doing is because I do all the work, you know, but I didn't do the work.

So I'm trying to make up for it, I guess, by giving.

That's interesting.

Are you sure you're qualified then to be a professor of battles?

Oh, I feel like we all learn from each other.

And from ourselves, as much as you learn from me, if not more.

i s i see okay um well again you killed dracula and i did i i you have to say it every time you step on the mat and every time you step off a little bow and then say lady godwin killed dracula the rules of the dojo that is the rules no no shoes no outside food and drink no cussing No cussing.

You must say Lady Godwin killed Dracula every time you step onto and off of the mat.

Yes.

Um

absolutely.

And also $25 a month.

That's a good one.

Or you cannot come in.

I was going to say that's a good deal, but we the got to get dollars, though.

The economy of this world is based on abstract money, and you can buy dynamite for $4, I think.

So $25 is actually, I think, a pretty

month's really fucked up the global economy pretty bad.

I bet, yeah.

I think also around your

guild, you just hear constant chatter of like, Did you hear what's happened in Manchester?

They turned the whole city into a zoo.

I can't believe they're getting away with this.

There's people living there.

Yes, that's true.

Did you have your $25?

Because unfortunately, without your $25 monthly, I can't let you stay.

These two people who are gossiping or sweating just walk over to you and just dump a bunch of money at your feet.

You see, Four Blades says,

right now.

Just don't read it to yourself.

Read it out loud right now.

Yeah, okay.

Here we go.

Slam

from the opening part of the finishing school, right at the door area, you hear it open.

The door, I mean.

Do I have to read it word for verbatim?

Light pours through the doorway hole, and as your eyes adjust, you see a wide-jawed woman with long auburn hair affixed sloppily in an even longer braid.

Her frame is slight, maybe even

frail.

You can't ask me

to read it verbatim and leave out whole ass words.

Okay, for next time.

Her frame is slight, maybe even frail.

As she strides towards you, knocking over all the fancy furniture in her path, you realize two things at the exact same moment.

One, she is aiming a rapier at your throat.

And two, the hand holding the rapier and the rest of the body connected to it

is yours.

The metal presses into your throat as she gives you a mocking, unpracticed curtsy.

She glares at you with withering hatred as she barks.

Fix it!

I don't have anything after that.

If you're waiting for me to add to it, baby, that's it.

I mean, that's the surprise ending.

Clean.

It is the surprise, and it's clean, and it's good.

Is it clean?

It's clean and rad and powerful.

Agreed.

Philo.

Three months later.

I too have written my own ending.

Fuck yeah, dude.

This is what I'm talking about.

This is the future of improvisation.

I didn't know we could do it.

The future of improvised entertainment is not.

I didn't write my own ending.

I'm kidding.

Dang it.

That was good coverage for me.

All right.

Dad, just to sort of keep up the symmetry with every other season of Taz, it would be great if you could also open a school in your

ending.

Can I say that's why as soon as I thought of the finishing school gag, I thought, I can't do another school.

And I thought, okay, it's more of a social club.

What does that say about us that our thing is like, and it's a, we've occupied a real space of like,

the teachers are our future, which I can't do.

I think Griffin, what it is, is a very realistic look to the future when podcasting we're too old for it but we hope that after our heroes adventure yeah let's all pretend like our our uh our unfortunate foray into non-fiction diy instruction wasn't a commercial commercial

any indication

of the desire to learn from us justin it's not about when you're teaching the children of the future about podcasting it's not about the financial success we're doing this is our quad this is our duty to the world.

Opening your own school is like actual play cryo sleep because what it says is they are still, they still enjoy adventure.

They're going to keep practicing adventure.

They will not be in danger and they will be available.

Yeah.

This is cryo sleep for your actual play characters.

Fuck yeah.

Brother Philo.

Yes.

Three months later.

What is your, what is your, your life?

Um,

brother Philo has been spending the time tinkering with the

mind transference helmet.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

And has also been

inspired.

A couple of things have kind of changed, Brother Philo.

Watching his own corporeal flesh turned into dust bunnies, I think, was was a big revelation.

A huge turn on.

A huge turn.

I need to say something canonically.

Before I hear what's going on with dad canonically speaking when someone asks lady godwin what's going on with brother philo she audibly exhales for 10 seconds yeah

uh you've been tinkering with the mind transference

because

i mean

seeing his physical form destroyed has really kind of reconvicted him to get back into the ministry.

And I don't mean like evangelizing, but

serving people.

The spread of

the belief, the worship of On,

has really bothered him.

So he has come up with an idea to have a representative in many different towns and villages that will serve as

a

spiritual advisor, somebody who will do good deeds.

I mean, really and truly

kind of fill the gap that apparently

people have been rushing towards this because, you know, I mean, they start worshiping on.

So

he is

going to create

representatives of himself

and then use and put one in each town and village and then use the mind transference helmet to jump from town to town wherever he's needed to to jump into a different body

um

and he's he he calls this effort uh on and on

okay

um

and uh

He's basically creating copies of himself to be able to jump into only one at a time.

Only one at a time.

Well, that's generous of yourself.

Yeah, otherwise it would be weird.

Yeah, not you.

So you don't need omnipresence and omnipotence.

It's just one or the other.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And so.

You can either be omnipresent or omnipowerful, but that's not right.

Yeah.

I mean, do you want a million dollars too?

Because I can do that.

Money

would be appreciated.

Yeah.

because there's all the wood I got to buy.

Yeah.

And he thinks back to

a word he heard

in his native language.

And the word,

it was a name, actually, that means God will increase.

And he thinks that's, I mean, that's just obvious.

God will increase.

So he starts calling himself by that name,

Geppetto.

And so he is the Geppetto of On and On.

Dad, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

A little research goes a long way there, Mr.

Million Dollars.

Listen, but

I wasn't going to fact-check it.

That could be complete bullshit, that that's what it means.

And I was like, yeah, man, I love it.

He's looked back on all these people who wasted their lives.

Yeah.

People who only showed up once in the narrative.

Professor Jasmine, Tricky Doug, Little Michael,

Heather Moore, Lieutenant Cornwallis, Wow.

Manchester Franchester, Slamchester.

There's a wide gap there where I didn't come up with any characters.

Hey, Dad, while you're at it, why don't you say in the story, and we've never done this before, but just see how far this goes, that you, Claim McGroy,

were the creator of Apple Computers and see if you can rewrite history with the power of this narrative.

I mean, you basically made the internet, but for the, but exclusively for the Pope.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For the turbo cardinal.

For the turbo cardinal.

Okay.

We'll say that.

I think, I mean, but you, you changed history by turning Manchester into a

BMX zoo.

Yeah, man.

This is a,

I think, a, uh, a transformation of the world's kind of understanding of

religious orders, right?

And it makes sense.

Your order, the order of St.

Tancred, was leveled, right?

There are no survivors there for you to return to.

So

you building this structure

where instead of having this hierarchy and complex sort of tree of responsibility, it's just top-down.

And if you need something, bam, the turbo cardinal is there.

It's a lot of work, but you don't, uh,

you don't feel the fatigue as much because you are you are no mortal man

um

you

get back from uh a long journey in rome uh not a long journey i think you probably just like what you pop into the the body into the you know whatever headquarters you have set up there and then hop hop back to your is there a core body or are you just sort of like

in the network now i'm gonna work from uh

no, I think the core body is the original Pinocchio, okay, body, and all the other and all the other ones don't necessarily have to look like him.

Matter of fact, most of them bear a strong resemblance to the original brother Philo.

Could it be, I hate to change your shit, but could it actually just be a it's a small world after all situation where it's like nearly identical dolls, but done up in

sort of local.

Um,

you get back from

Rome after a visit there back to your

original body.

When you get there,

you see

a man waiting for you.

He's kind of like shuffling into

the...

you know, the mission that you have set up here.

Where is the headquarters?

Where are you based?

Verona.

Verona.

Okay, cool.

So not a big trip that you've just took, but

not that far.

No, huh.

He shuffles up to you and he goes, Ah, hello there.

Um,

father?

Uh, yes, yes, yes, my son.

Uh,

Father Philo?

How may I help you?

I go by Geppetto now, but if you want to go back to the old school, that's fine.

Geppetto, I apologize, Father Geppetto.

Um, who are you speaking to?

Oh, I'm sorry, see, I'm still not used to it.

Okay, yes, yes, my son.

I

had a question for you

regarding, you know, sin.

I was hoping you could help answer it for me, provide some clarity.

Yes, that's fine.

Yes.

Do we need to step into the confessional?

No, that's okay.

It's not a confession per se.

It's a question about sort of the nature of

the the nature of sin and consequence.

Absolutely.

I am at your disposal.

I know you're busy with your sort of hive-mind nature.

It is absolutely remarkable that you were able to accomplish that, to

decentralize your soul in that way.

And what would your name be, just in case, you know, you aren't one of those characters that only pop up once?

I

you may call me Gabriel.

Sorry, that was a weird way to say that.

My name is Gabriel.

It's weird when you ask someone's name and they say, You may call me.

Sure.

Oh, yes,

yeah.

It sounds like they're lying, and I'm sure you're not, because lying's a sin.

Go ahead, Gabriel.

I

uh

I had a question, and it I know how this all works.

You're supposed to be good and uh avoid avoid uh avoid temptation and

selfishness and violence, all the vices.

Um what is the policy though on

sins you have not yet committed but must

commit?

How does one find absolution for for for those?

Are you thinking,

you're just thinking of the sin, uh, or you're contemplating doing the sin, committing the sin.

I am afraid that I am duty bound to a

a course of action that some some may interpret as sinful and others may not.

Yes, I see.

Um

could I possibly ask what that action is?

There are

there is a way of nature in the world that has

nurtured it, hence the name, I suppose, and prolonged it and made life and

beauty possible.

And

I must try to set right

that course.

It has been diverted.

through

through several different methods.

You're talking about the search for eternal life, perhaps?

He nods solemnly.

Not so much, I suppose, the search for eternal life,

but the spread of eternal life, I

I needs must address.

Oh, this is an interesting

theological discussion.

Um

there is such a thing as sins sins of the mind, which is where you are thinking sinful thoughts.

This doesn't sound necessarily like that.

It also smacks a little of

heresy.

Unless you're talking about,

you know, your spirit living on forever, eternal life.

No, you're talking more of an actual

existence, correct?

I suppose.

Um

I I realize I am being cryptic.

I just as um

one of the, I don't know, main sort of uh

scholarly minds in the field, I suppose I should come to the source.

Oh

oh, well

uh uh Gabriel, you you

this is almost silly to ask.

You're not considering

vampirism,

are you?

Is that where

you're leaning towards?

Give me an insight check.

God, nobody else had a role.

Okay, I know.

Well, Justin scripted his, so.

Yeah, which makes things much easier.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to write my ending.

It's an Arcana check and not an insight.

No, it's an insight check.

Insight check.

Boy, it's a bad one, too.

Three.

He...

He kind of

chuckles when you say that.

And he says,

off the mark, I'm afraid.

It's nothing as salacious as all that.

I appreciate...

Your your insight, Father Teppetto.

I know that you are busy, but I hope I can call upon you again to to speak to you sometime in in the future.

Once, uh, well,

these future actions become

past events.

Um, I say yes, let's keep that option open.

But if I may add one caveat, do you mind?

Sure.

Um,

if this process uh of which you describe

results in harming

any other living creature,

I will

be forced to take action against you.

He nods, looking concerned for a moment and says,

My...

My orders do not concern the living.

Of that I can assure you.

I

speak in terms of

sin and consequence because that is

the way that

well, humans' minds operate.

I...

What I am doing is

just a...

A course correction.

And he turns and...

Wait.

Wait.

I want to make an investigation check.

Okay.

I really want to look at him.

It's an 11.

Um.

11 investigation check.

He walks to the doors and opens them.

You try to, like, clock him to see,

like, what this dude's deal is.

The doors...

swing shut behind him.

You didn't really get a chance to

glean anything.

And so you kind of follow him and crack the door open.

Outside,

you see,

first of all,

storms are gathering.

You see Gabriel

throw on

a riding cloak, a black riding cloak,

and he mounts a

tall,

muscular,

pale horse,

and

he nods at you

uh he slings a uh

what what looks like some sort of uh sword or uh long blade over his shoulder that uh is

as it sort of like rests on his back uh you see is a scythe

and he takes the reins and turns the horse uh to ride west toward the city of Lumino.

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