The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 28

What's up, diary?

It's me, Jeremy Pipes, coming at you live from my bed at my house.

Well, I got my bolts today.

The rest of the guys in Five Alive were like, No, Jeremy, it's clearly some kind of mind control implant.

Everyone who gets them acts super sauss.

Those dudes are always trying to hold me back, so I threw up the deuce and hit the road.

Now I'm solo cruising on the vibes of this city, and my creative juices are blasting out of every hole.

Also, every night, I'm haunted by visions of an apocalyptic blood feast, whatever that means.

Anyways, I got Pharrell coming over later to help me whip up the new song of the summer.

Like and subscribe.

Pipes up, pipes out.

Mutt, you are

paralyzed on the ground.

You can feel a toxin

of some indiscernible variety coursing through your veins that

has laid you out.

And you can see, in the light of your enchanted lantern, the silhouette of the invisible man.

He is holding a knife.

He steps in front of you into this clearing

with the last remaining conduit in it.

The invisible man sort of kneels down in front of you, Mutt, and says,

Can you talk?

Yeah, apparently I can.

Cool.

Anything you want to say?

before we do this?

I love it to like know your name because I've just been calling you the invisible man, and that seems awful formal for, you know, what's about to happen.

Hmm.

My name is

Teddy.

Okay.

And.

You killed my best friend.

Uh-huh.

You killed my brother, though, so.

Do you know how hard it is making friends when you're invisible?

It's pretty fucking hard.

Yeah.

I imagine, man.

Listen, my name is Crawford Mutton.

Everybody calls me Mutt.

Your friend, the Chiba Cabra,

was badly injured,

wasn't going to recover from it, and was kind of

wreaking havoc on the nearby animals and people and stuff in his kind of panic.

Oh,

you euthanized it.

I mean, that's an awful fancy term, but I put him down.

I was four years old.

Like, me and my dad did it together.

I was four years old.

Hold on, wait.

Hold on, wait.

This is now Griffin.

You were four years old when you killed the chupacabra?

Yeah, man, that's established.

That's canonical.

It's canonical because you said it at another point.

That is how it works on this show.

Yeah, that's it.

Holy shit.

Four years old.

So you were a four-year-old doctor of chupacabraology?

And you did it.

No, my dad, man.

Okay.

So you did it because your dad told you to.

Yeah.

That's all fine then.

That's all good.

Here's the thing.

Now that feels sarcastic, Teddy.

Yeah, it is.

Listen,

you killed my best friend when you were a toddler, and that sucks.

My only friend.

And then your brother tries to hunt me down.

News alert, I'm not a monster.

I'm a dude who is invisible.

So I don't understand what your beef is.

Wait, hold on, man.

You think I have beef with you?

Do I hear this?

No, this is happening like a city block away from where you are.

So maybe.

Give me a perception check, Lady Godwin.

Canonically, a super

hearing canonically.

Yeah, okay.

I didn't realize we could start saying canonically.

I think

what you are doing here, Justin, is you're not rolling to see how well you hear.

You're rolling to see how loud we're being.

Maybe we're shouting at each other.

Yeah, that seems like a fortune.

I need a big, big, high perception check here from you.

Okay, it's a nine, so we move on, whatever, but at least we check.

You gotta check.

You gotta know.

You gotta know.

Gotta know.

That's why we check.

I want you

to say out loud that you are not some virtuous guardian of the natural world.

You are a game hunter.

You are in it for the prize and the glory.

And if you can't admit that to yourself, I'm going to kill you.

Okay, wait.

Now, before this moves forward, what are you basing that judgment on?

He is going to attack you with advantage.

Well, I asked a question.

Yeah, and in response to that question, he is going to stab you with a knife.

That is going to be an 18 versus AC.

I mean, yeah.

He puts it right in the other shoulder.

Ow.

Take four points of piercing damage.

Ow, Teddy, ow.

What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

What's this journey you've been on that I've been trying to follow you through

the whole way to exact my diabolical revenge?

Well, I made an oath to my brother that you killed just point of fact.

He started it.

Okay.

I mean, that's fair.

Like, I don't know what vitriol you're picking up in my voice right now, Teddy.

But so my brother made me swear to take dragon, to kill Dragula, take his teeth, and turn it into earrings.

You heard yourself say that out loud, right?

You heard that.

Yeah, but you also heard the part where I said, my brother made me swear to do it.

It wasn't like a passionate goal that I've had all my life.

That's like, oh, I just got to get these tooth earrings.

So your dad told you to kill Chupacabra.

Your brother told you to kill Dracula.

Yeah.

And who told you to kill me?

Oh, that's all me, baby.

Okay, so which one of us then is the killer, would you say?

I mean,

you seem to be pretty oblivious about the situation you're in.

He picks up the knife and rears back.

And you seem to be pretty oblivious to the turn order, because up next is Sir Kevin,

whom I am in control of.

Oh, okay, good.

Okay, yeah.

So Sir Kevin's going to come charging in and tackle that there invisible man.

Okay, make an attack roll.

Sir Kevin leaps over your body on the ground

to try and collide with the invisible man.

Makes an attack roll to attempt to do that.

Very slowly, but that's a 27.

Holy shit.

Yeah, that hits.

Are you trying to

defeat him or move him or what is this?

I'm trying to knock him out of the way so Kevin can get my paralyzed self out of there.

Okay, then so it's not going to be a damage roll.

I think that he is able to knock him back five feet

and push him backwards.

Uh,

and

uh, Sir Kevin says, My leash, are you injured?

Yeah, man.

Allow me to suck the poison out.

No, no, no, power

lips.

No, get me to Philo, please.

I don't know who that is.

That's the puppet man.

Give me the puppet man.

Yeah, man.

Listen, I'm like 14 seconds old, so like

oh, that thing, the puppet, the fly, yes, okay, yes.

The flying puppet man, yeah.

Uh, okay, he.

You really gotta lean forward with this show anymore, huh?

You really gotta be dialed in or you are gonna be fucking lost.

Yeah, Sir Kevin, the gorilla knight, is gonna pick me up,

carry me away from the invisible man who wants to

kill me because I

am the brother of, I killed the chupacab when I was four years old.

And my brother attacked him.

And so now Sir Kevin, the gorilla knight, is going to pick me up and take me over to the flying puppet man, who is a monk who's trapped in the body of Pinocchio, along with Abraham van Helsing.

And he is going to use some of his magical potions to heal my wounds.

I don't understand what part of this is confusing to you, Joseph.

I don't know if there is a wiki, but if there is, the people running it are doing a great job.

That's all I wanted to say.

Okay,

so

next in the order is

the organ grinder and Joseph Piper.

Josie

Am I on Kevin?

Yes, I am moving you away.

He is dragging you down this sort of western exit from this clearing.

The conduit is still active.

The conduit was not destroyed.

But mud's not.

Mutt is not on is, yes, mud is down.

Okay.

Jeremy Pipes and the organ grinder start going back and forth.

Jeremy Pipes very lively steps out of the way of one of the organ grinders

attacks with his

giant instrument.

That sounds anyway

you get it and uh hits the organ grinder in the back with a uh bolt of flame tyler

it's cool i'm so big cool man um next in the order is the searchlight uh i think the searchlight is going to move now i think the searchlight is going to be redirected sensing a fracas here right in front of the uh the the tower entrance it is going to highlight jeremy pipes and the organ grinder uh and so godwin you are not going to have to make a dexterity saving throw for the first time in this battle um man i'm good at those too oh well uh next in the order is

it constitution is it constitution i can never remember is it constitution i have constitution saving throws on advantage again the danger sense only if there was like decks a third it's on your character sheet

i know it is i'm just making conversation oh okay sorry i didn't realize sorry josh making conversation for the podcast.

You know, what is constitution when you think about it?

Is that something you can explain?

It's how tough you are.

Oh, okay.

I was just making conversation.

Okay, Lady Godwin, you

are standing in the center of town square, basically.

The bridge clubbers have taken out Daphne Golden Good and are maybe even taking it a little too far.

A little too far.

Definitely.

There's no maybe.

You are in sort of contact with the Anjanu, who just leveraged an ineffectual attack against you.

In the distance, you see Jeremy Pipes and the organ grinder Tyler battling it out in the searchlights glow.

Which has to be fairly diminished now, right?

It is extremely diminished now.

It does not seem to be bothering them as much.

So, okay.

Northwest is still up.

No, Northwest is down.

Northwest is down.

Northeast is still up.

Okay, so what are we using using to delineate up and down?

These skulls that I just put on the northwest one.

Okay, so you know it wasn't there before, though, right?

I do, I do, yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, good.

All right, so the northwest one is out, and the center one is out.

Everyone just treated me like I was some sort of buffoon.

Listen, the skull wasn't on the little lightning bolt.

Let's just put it that way.

The skull wasn't on the lightning bolt.

You got me.

All right, I'm going to charge off to the northeast.

I'm going to shove the ingenue in.

What is that next to that?

Is that a manhole or something?

Yeah.

I'm going to shove her in the manhole.

I'm going to go to northeast.

Okay, well,

make an attack roll against the ingenuous then.

That's 17.

He's got to do it.

That does it.

You are able to move the ingenuous five feet to the side into the open manhole that she was standing next to.

She

fails her neck.

And then I look, I lean over the hole and I yell, break a leg.

Nice.

And then the music comes on.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

This is a good one.

No, it doesn't.

Dad doesn't.

Justin's joke ends the bit.

I finished my bit.

Now you do your jokes.

Yes, she fails her dexterity saving throw.

You watch her plummet into the darkness

and then you hear a slight splash and a loud crack.

And she is.

In that order.

Yeah, and that, well, it's pretty much.

A very quiet splash and then a weirdly loud crack.

Yeah.

Okay.

She is out out

and

you are free to move.

So you're just charging towards the northeast there?

Yes.

Well,

I'm going to head towards Jeremy Pipes just to make sure that he's okay.

You are easily able to get up to Jeremy Pipes.

How's it going, Jeremy?

I'm going to kill you.

What?

Wait, I know the organ grinder is the good guy.

Did you forget which one of us had been sort of unhypnotized?

Oh, sorry, Jeremy.

This is so embarrassing for you, but I know that old brains sometimes have trouble keeping sort of binary information in check.

Don't you?

Jeremy, was I just distracting you for this?

And then the organ grinder does some sick shit.

It's not the organ grinder's training, it's yours.

Yeah, but I'm giving him my turn up.

Conferring his turn upon him, Griffin.

I'm giving you my turn to him.

Come on, man.

Read a book.

That's a popular.

If you want to push the organ with another, you have another attack.

I'm going to kick Jeremy Pipes while he's distracted.

Okay, double distracting because he thought the organ grinder was about to do something.

Yeah, this is some real

into the organ grinder who will bear hug him.

I'm not asking for much.

That's cool.

No, make another attack roll against Jeremy Pipes, please.

You can't blame me for thinking Jeremy Pipes is a good guy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

He seems really nice.

Fuck.

12.

So nice, I can't even dropkick him.

You try to drop kick him,

but he does like a cool backwards dance slide out of the way.

I knew it was a failure.

I don't know why I said dropkick.

That's the worst kick to miss.

Yeah.

You sail past him and you collide with the organ grinder instead,

and you fall prone to the ground.

Oh, you want a taste too?

Let's go!

I'm good.

Right, right.

Did you forget which one of us got hypnotized?

Listen.

It It happens.

Come on.

Uh, is that it for your turn?

No, I got one more.

Okay.

Give me a boost.

I'm kicking him again.

Okay.

The organ grinder picks you up from the ground, so you don't have to spend any more movement.

No problem.

No, wait.

I clicked the axe.

That wasn't right.

I'm kicking him.

That's fine.

It's 11.

Yeah, I think it's Bessie.

It is.

It's the same mod fire.

You just step forward.

You do another jump kick towards Jeremy Pipes.

And he just steps.

He does the same dance move the other way.

Does a spin, points up in the air, and you hear cheering coming from somewhere as you land prone on the ground on the other side of Jeremy Pipes.

He's like, hey, you don't, hey, stop.

It's so uncomfortable, right?

Like, you're trying so hard, but you're like not doing a good job, dude.

And that's like so cringe, man.

I.

You're really breaking my heart, Jeremy.

I'm going to be honest.

You're not the first one.

It's quite rude.

Next in the order is

the four-string.

I mean, like, yeah.

No, it wasn't a completely useless turn.

Like, you took out the anchenu.

Okay, bassist and banjoist don't have enough move to catch up with you.

They move into the

fray here.

In fact, they're going to dash on their turn

to to get in contact with you, but that is their action.

Theater troop is all

out of commission.

I'm going to roll a die here just to see how this battle with Pierre and the Mimes is doing.

Okay.

You hear, again,

what you think is a very one-sided battle.

uh happening in the distance with uh bestial roars uh just sort of echoing down the alleys every now and then.

It is not a one-sided battle.

It's just that Pierre Reynolds in his werebear form is battling mimes and so they're like being pretty quiet about it.

Next in the order is Brother Philo.

Brother Philo, you have just taken out the northwestern conduit.

There is one more remaining.

The only sort of

The only sort of combatant that you did not take out with your last action is

the painter who just stabbed you in the eye eye with a paintbrush uh other than that there is no one else in this clearing what do you do um

so what's mutt's situation he paralyzed so you can see i would say because mutt sort of spent uh uh his gorilla's action like getting him out of there uh i will say that you can see behind you uh with your remaining non paintbrushed eye uh a the the image of a massive spiritual gorilla dragging the prone form of mutt out of an alleyway can i get to him

you i am flying which means you are twice as fast no it doesn't um

you you can dat you could do it with like a dash you could get uh i mean you could get within like spell casting range maybe but i don't know if that is uh sufficient or if you're going to throw a potion or something like i i think you could have some options but you would not there's a pretty wide gap between the two of you so you wouldn't be able to just get right up to him okay is he going to be able to make a save throw to try to break out of that resistance out of that okay yes i'm going to uh

okay

i am going to cast

expeditious retreat

okay

this allows Brother Philo to move at an incredible pace when you cast a spell and then as a bonus action on each of your turns until the spell ends you can can take the dash action.

Okay.

That'll certainly be good for you to have on for this for this battle.

So Expeditious Retreat is a bonus action to cast.

When you cast the spell and then as a bonus action on each of your turns until the spell ends, you can take the dash action.

Okay, great.

So yes, with this.

You are able to dash with the spell.

This will allow you to get to mutt, no problem.

You are going to take an opportunity attack from the painter

because you are right up next to him.

Okay.

That is a 9 versus AC not going to do it.

Okay.

Yes.

You are able to.

What does Expeditious Retreat look like before I scooch you over there?

What's that look like for the way that you do magic?

His little

straps of his later hosen start to glow.

And since he's flying, he

is flapping his arms twice as fast.

Okay.

Which allows him to get get to Mutt.

Okay.

You zoom over to this alleyway where

this big spiritual gorilla is dragging Mutt away from the clearing.

He says,

small puppet man, you must help my leash.

He is gravely injured.

He has requested your help.

Please do your funny joke show or whatever it is you have prepared, little puppet man.

I will certainly try,

if I am allowed to cast us another spell

I mean you still have your action expedition should treat as a bonus action to cast so you are good I have nothing that will break him out of

cool man perfect perfect but well glad you came over here to tell me that face to face

but I can't help I cast

resistance

okay on Mutt

once before the spell ends, the target can do a d4 and add the number rolled to one saving throw of its choice.

Amazing.

Great.

It can roll the die before or after making the saving throw.

Kick-ass.

Very, very good.

What's this look like?

Is this some sort of ungent or is this magic magic?

Is it applied topically?

Orally?

No, I think

his little nose glows

and he

frinky frinks your nose with his nose.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir.

Frinky Frankie.

We just rub noses back and forth, and the magic is in the noses.

Okay, man.

The magic is in the noses.

All right, man.

My leash, are you okay with this?

This is so.

I'm a spiritual gorilla who was born 20 seconds ago.

You asked me to do something.

Yeah, I get enthusiastic consent, my dude.

Thank you so much.

I feel

like I know better.

I guess I feel like I have a better chance of breaking this.

And thanks, man.

Okay, next in the order, the visual artist, the painter, is going to make his way.

No.

No.

I'm going to summon Cronut.

I'm a little worried about him, and he could be of help.

Kako, Kako,

Kako, Kako

deeply,

far, far off in the distance to the north,

you hear the sound echo

and

you feel a sort of spiritual closeness as Cronut, your terrible

pumpkin homunculus, begins to return to your side.

I will say

this will be a bit of a trip for him, so not on this turn, but you have

begun to summon back Cronut.

To me, Cronut, to me!

I just said I'm on my way.

I know!

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

Next in the order is the painter, who is going to,

I think, just sort of sprint to this clearing here and

I think start making his way towards the center of town, where the rest of the kind of mind-controlled population of Lumino is beginning to migrate to.

Next in the order is Mutt.

Okay.

Before we do anything, you can can make a constitution saving throw and add a d4

in order to try and break the toxin's grip on your body.

Okay, well, right now, it's a 14, and I'm going to roll a d4.

And add a one, so it's a 15.

That is just what you needed.

You are able to

wiggle your fingers and wiggle your big toe, and then you are able to sort of slowly and I would say painfully

regain your your senses able to move

and with this Sir Kevin is going to stand you back up on your feet sir you are looking hail and hearty

do you have a succession plan in place just in case you were to meet your demise in this honorable battle

uh yeah i don't plan to do that but if i do take this sword and i draw Excalibur and stick it real hard in the ground,

and then the next person to pull it out is King.

Oh, but I can't.

Okay.

No, for sure.

Like, I know, this is stupid.

It's dumb.

But, like, I thought, like, maybe you were going to.

That's not how it works, I think.

No, I know, I know.

And, like, I'm sorry.

You can stick it in the ground and pull it right back out.

You think, my leash?

We'll see.

I'll wiggle it when I put it in so the hole's extra.

Good karma, man.

Okay, I need to do a thing real quick.

Sure thing.

With an 18, can I hear hear yeah now you can hear this conversation yeah

we'll see

um i turn to the invisible man okay

and i say i'm gonna be honest with you teddy as kind of fibbin before

um because the fact is i do have beef with you and i'm really really want to kill you because you killed my brother and he was like the last brother i had going

um

so

I hope one day Travis gets to refer to me that way.

Yeah, the last brother I had going.

And I'm going to attack Teddy with Scalibur.

Okay, you rush right back into the fray.

Go ahead and make an attack roll.

Actually, first,

I'm going to use

Ensnaring Strike.

Okay.

Which is

a bonus action.

Cool.

I'm going to now take a swing at him with Excalibur.

Okay.

With Insnering Strike weaving around the blade.

Here we go.

That is a 16 plus 4, a 20.

That hits the invisible man.

And that's 4 plus 1 damage.

Yeah, 4 plus 1 damage.

So 5.

And then with Insnaring Strike.

Arriving

mass of thorny vines appears.

You know, he's got to succeed on a saving throw or be restrained until the spell ends.

So go ahead and roll that.

He's got to beat a 15.

Okay.

He got a 15.

Yeah, so he beats it.

That's fine.

And I'm going to take a second swing at him with my second attack.

Okay.

No, I don't think that's going to do it.

Seven plus four, eleven.

No, he parries your second attack out of the way with his envenomed knife.

Uh

and now it's Kevin's turn.

Yes, it is.

The invisible man took a prepared action earlier when he sort of got the jump on you here.

That's fantastic.

Okay.

Uh

hey, Kevin.

Yes, my liege.

Can you come, like, hold this man in your gorilla grip?

I can certainly try, my liege.

You got that gorilla grip?

He looks like some sort of ghost.

And I'm sorry.

He's the invisible man named Teddy.

He killed my brother.

I killed his friend, the chupacabra, when I was four years old.

Because my dad told me to.

You killed the chupacabra because your dad told you to.

Well, he was deeply injured.

And it's.

Everybody keeps saying that.

Like, it's a weird thing.

He was really injured.

And my dad was teaching me to kill monsters without any emotion.

And so...

And yeah, I cried a bunch while I was doing it.

Because I was four, but it was a very...

It was a...

Was it fucked up?

Wait, hold on, man.

Hold on.

Did that fuck me up, Reuben?

My leash, you're hearing it, right?

Yeah, now that I said it out loud.

If I was gravely injured, if I was gravely injured, my liege, would you destroy me?

Well, if you'd asked me five minutes ago, I would have said yes without thinking about it, but now, huh?

Okay, I'm going to kill the invisible man, and then I got a lot to unpack.

Uh, okay,

that is

Okay, so he is going to make an attack roll against the invisible man to try to hold him.

Yeah, why don't you roll that?

17 plus whatever my big girl of strength is.

It's going to be a strength

contest, right?

Okay.

I'm a grapple.

Beast

spirit.

DNT.

Gotta see what the strength is.

Strength is plus four, so it's 21 total.

Uh, okay, let's see.

Oh, that's a crit fail.

Uh, oh, now he's finished him,

his influence fell out.

Let me go, he's so close, he almost is like getting it.

I feel like we're on the cusp of some major revelations.

Well, it's hard to breathe when you're squeezing my ribs like this.

Uh, next in the order is the invisible Man.

He says,

fine.

He drops his knife.

Fuck.

Hey, thanks, man.

That's going to make it way easier to kill you.

Oh, no, wait.

Was that like a surrender move thing?

He shakes his head and says, just do it.

This fucking sucks.

Teddy.

What?

Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

Did I make murdering me not fun?

You were trying to murder me first!

For revenge, I had a great reason to do it.

You killed my brother, Teddy!

It's

Did what I

did what I do

was it fucked up?

Yeah, man, I gotta think about this.

Sir Kevin says, I feel like my leash, if I may.

I don't want to speak out of turn, but maybe the two of you have a lot you could talk about and learn from each other.

It seems like violence has poisoned the heart of both of you.

Poison my shoulder?

That was poison.

Yeah, that was poison.

Pretty

poison.

Violence poisoned both of my shoulders with poison.

But, sir, perhaps you have issues stemming from your childhood, from the life you're talking about.

This is like a lot of work, Kevin.

I'm saying yes, for sure, and maybe this isn't the right time for it, but maybe

don't kill the invisible man and you guys can like hash this out later you know what i'll say this that sounds uh like a lot of heavy emotional labor teddy if i let kevin go you leave me alone i'll leave you alone you killed my brother i killed chuba cabber we call it even how's that sound then we don't have to unpack any of our shit

give me a Give me a persuasion check.

I assume with advantage, because my gorilla is squishing him.

No, not with advantage, but it won't be a very hard persuasion check.

He is

18.

And 18, flat 18.

Flat 18.

He

sighs

and

he

drops his other knife.

It was hidden.

Ah.

Yeah.

Teddy.

This was part of yet another one of my diabolical traps.

Okay.

So you're saying we walk away, even Stephen, and we don't have to unpack all this emotional trauma that has been inflicted upon us by each other and our families correct yeah man sounds pretty fucking good to me awesome dude i didn't want to make any changes to my life at all that sounds great yeah no i thought about like growing as a person for the first time and i was like gross no thanks that's so much work are you kidding me so i can just scoot yeah man but hey Don't let me see you again, Wink.

You know what I mean?

That's good.

And hey, if you're lonely and you ever want to hang out and grab a beer, let me know.

Yeah, I'm sorry about your brother.

You seem like a cool dude.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the chipacabra, man.

I was four years old.

It's real fucked up.

And Muddy starts bawling, crying.

Yeah, the invisible man starts.

He's like, don't fuck, don't fucking, don't fucking.

No, I don't want to unpack it.

I don't.

Oh, I can fuck him back in.

I can suck him back in.

I've been so lonely.

I know, man.

No, no, no.

We don't got to do this.

We don't got to do this.

You don't got to do this.

We can talk about it.

We don't want to talk about it.

We're just going to hang out and and have a beer and watch sports.

Okay, he fucking takes off running out of the clearing.

Leaving you.

I can't get a good perception check to save my life.

Yeah, you didn't hear any of that.

I've been rolling single digits trying to weigh in for two minutes now.

17.

I roll the 17.

Yeah, you heard all that, brother.

I just want to encourage you to dig deep.

Don't know.

Not meant to be.

Hey, I don't know if you guys know this.

This is a fucking game.

This isn't a place for emotional development in any way.

This is a silly game with dice and maps and shit.

That was really close.

I got genuinely scared because, as a DM, I was, I would have to kind of shepherd that conversation, but I don't know how to fucking know.

We're not going to go to the bathroom.

Travis, you get a point of miraculous.

Travis, yeah, you get the campaign's first point of inspiration for this.

Thank you, man.

Okay.

I think I clicked a button and a sun lit up on the screen.

That's amazing.

I hear one of my cats upstairs crying.

You know what they're upset about.

Just like the state of things and whatever.

No, they're only ever wanting one thing, and that's for me to get the smalls out.

Dad, we don't know how to smoke they love the smooth bird.

Dad, we want our smooth bird.

We don't have jobs.

We can't buy our own food.

We don't know how to order things.

Dad, we're so scared.

We're cats, and we've gained complete human intelligence.

What's happening?

Where are we?

Yeah.

Where are we?

But you know what?

I calm them right down with smalls because you're going to get a package of smalls, right?

You're going to open it up.

You're going to put it in front of your cats there, put it into a bowl, whatever you're going to, I don't know your business.

When you put it out there, these cats are going to freak out.

And you're also going to see some long-lasting effects.

In my experience, at least, my cats have been a little healthier.

They've had a nice, nice-looking coat, and they just love, they love smalls.

They love it.

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That's a big deal for a limited time only because you are i was really proud of that justin i was really proud of that sorry trav that was great thank you for a limited time only because you're an adventure zone listener you can get 60 off your first smalls order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash adventure that's 60 off when you head to smalls.com slash adventure plus free shipping again that's smalls.com slash adventure Hey, this week we're coming to sorry to interrupt.

I just kind of burst in.

Okay.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm also sorry.

I'm also sorry.

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What are we doing in Austin, buddy?

Well, we're doing Adventure Zone versus Hercules, and it's going to be a real treat.

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Okay,

the Organ Grinder and Jeremy Pipes are continuing their fracas in the middle of town.

And I rolled it the unfunniest 10.

And so this battle is locked in an intense stalemate as the Organ Grinder and Jeremy Pipes continue their melee.

Okay.

The searchlight is going to move.

Can it get both Brother Philo and Mutt?

No, just barely not.

Not Kevin's, but.

It does see a gorilla, so it's like definitely going to shine on Mutt and the gorilla.

Make a dexterity saving throw, Mutt, a very,

I will say, beatable one.

You can tell from where you are that, maybe not.

That's a two point one.

Two plus seven, a nine.

No, that is just shy of what you needed.

You take

two points of radiant damage.

Nearly as bad as

it's just kind of real warm.

I take my jacket off when I feel better.

How many hit points does Sir Kevin have?

Sir Kevin,

he has one gorilla's worth.

I mean, is this a one-hit wonder sort of situation?

No, no, no.

He has, uh, for land, he has 30 hit points.

Oh, okay, then he is also cinched for two, but he is fine.

Oh, what was that?

It's the

yeah, no, I know.

You've never been hurt before, Kevin.

No, but my skin feels not happy.

What does that mean?

It's uh, it's just the sun's too bright.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

Gorilla stuff is coming out.

Gorilla stuff is coming out.

Do you see?

I have aloe vera.

Uh, if you would like to.

Don't touch my monkey.

You have banana yummy.

Yeah?

You have

I give him banana yum yum.

Oh, amazing.

Okay, next in the order is Lady Godwin.

You are,

once again, it's fitting your position on this team, surrounded on three sides by enemies, Jeremy Pipes, the banjoist, and the bassist from the Four Piece.

You are standing right in front of the door of Lumino Tower, which remains locked.

And it is your turn.

So who are these cats?

I see Jeremy Pipes.

Remind me.

Who are these other two gentlemen?

The banjoist and bassist of the

rest of the rest of the stream.

Are they part of Jeremy's band?

Are they just like...

They're a different...

Jeremy isn't part of a classical quintet.

Session musicians.

Yes, exactly.

Did the organ grinder do anything?

Him and Jeremy Pipes are pretty well matched here.

Okay, okay.

They are battling.

I will say that you are flanking Jeremy Pipes now.

And so you would have advantage on any Jeremy Pipespace attacks.

The same is true of Jeremy Pipes because

you are also being flanked in this moment.

Okay,

I'm going to

throw the Banjoist at the generator.

So this generator in the middle of town is destroyed.

The generator that hasn't been destroyed is about 60 feet away.

No, even more.

Yeah, no, yeah.

I mean, does it seem like a good place to land right now for your body or like a bad?

No, no, no.

Don't get me wrong, Jesus.

It sounds like a bad place to land for your body.

The problem is that it is a full 80 feet away.

I'm looking at the broken one, man.

Oh, you want to throw him at the broken one?

Yeah, because it would hurt.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, and there's probably, you don't know how this kind of thing works, Griffin, but there's definitely still electricity in it somehow.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying?

Make a melee attack roll against the banjoist as you attempt to

toss him back into the shattered conduit.

I hate not to be able to use my axe.

This sucks.

13.

His armor helps him from no, 13.

13 hits.

He does not have armor.

He is a banjo player.

Fair enough.

Again, what these

mind-controlled citizens of the city have in quantity, they desperately lack in quality.

He's usually guarded by like throngs of fans and banjo enthusiasts.

You know, that's usually the armor that he has with him, the natural love that people have.

Yeah, this banjoist is a big deal here.

Jeremy Pipes actually looks at the banjoist and is like, is that Pluckadilly Slim?

And the Banjoist nods, hmm,

and gets launched backwards.

No, wait, I'm Dracula.

So wait.

I just need to understand.

So basically,

Jeremy Pipes asks him a question.

He answers it and then is thrown.

Well, as you kick him, his body moves first and his head stays in place, stretching out for just a second.

Like a Looney Tunes came.

Exactly like a Looney Tunes kind of thing.

I've updated his token to Pluckadilly Slam, and you launch him backwards.

Okay, so he's going to fly this.

Let's do.

This is going to be, we'll say a D6 of bludgeoning damage as he is thrown back into this machine.

He takes three points.

Not quite enough to take him out, but it does.

Yeah, but then I yell, take care of my light work, ladies.

Okay, the Bridge Clubbers all turn

next to the

remnants of Daphne Goldengood.

And on their next turn, they will follow your orders as they're switching.

21, by the way, on the persuasion.

Oh, no,

no persuasion needed.

Juice,

you are.

I guess I already persuaded their both.

Yeah, give me an insight.

Yeah, you've awakened something in them.

Give me an insight check.

Like, maybe the insight is...

No, not with a three.

I don't know.

Okay, no, you've got a six total in insight.

You are being regarded with a level of prestige that even for you is...

is levels unknown from from these blidge bridge clubbers who you have broken from their thrall and taken out their former alpha there is some there is some primal pack politics stuff happening uh that is uh

that that is bewildering i think to you but they they nod no problem

uh

okay

i'm going to

is uh would i have advantage on pipes right now is he like engaged he is you you have him flanked yes fucking great man i'm going to

attack him non-lethally with Jennifer Meyer.

Amazing.

The flat side.

The flat side.

Great.

Ginny, I call that.

21.

21 hits.

Go ahead and roll damage.

It's an eight.

Eight.

Plus you do extra damage when you're raging, right?

Yes.

Um

plus two.

So 10 damage to Jeremy Pipes.

10 damage to Jeremy Pipes.

He was not ready for that.

You smash him over the head with the flat side of the blade.

Well, I have advantage, right?

Oh, right.

Yeah, I guess you could try and crit.

Just, I'm, you know,

Flavor No.

Broken clock.

Right, twice a day.

Blind squirrel, what have you?

What have you?

17.

It's not as far off as it could have been.

23, that hits better.

That hits better, yeah.

But the damage is the same.

You bonk him for 10 points.

I yell out to him, Jeremy, do you know what the worst part about being an international singing sensation is?

Huh?

The axe attacks!

I believe you have one more bonus attack you can make with your rage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the next part.

Okay, great.

That's what the follow-up to that is another axe attack.

And that's a 18 plus.

These roles are getting consistently higher.

You still have advantage if you want to go for that.

Just two more points on that dime.

We'll get that.

No, not this time.

No.

uh okay 24 hits that's uh

11 plus three that's 14 plus two plus two 16.

uh

fuck you jeremy park with that he stands up and he's he looks confused for a second and is like do you smell pennies and then

smash him over the head again uh and you see a trickle of blood uh begin to stream down his forehead onto his his perfectly sculpted nose non-lethally non-lethally and his eyes start to roll back in his head it's non-lethal but you fucked him up man like he's not gonna die

but he he dabs the blood he's forgotten some math he touches his forehead he looks at the blood on his hand and he looks at you godwin as his eyes start to roll back in his head and he says this is

going to ruin the tour.

And he goes down.

Okay, next in the order.

Barbershop Quartet is down.

Theater troop is down.

We'll roll to see how...

Oh, yeah.

Pierre goes beast mode, literally,

in the corner.

And you hear one more primal scream, and then two more voices cry out in pain,

breaking their sacred mime oath.

No way.

The scream of a mime.

Okay, here's my question.

Is the scream of a mime very quiet, or is it all the noise pent up over time?

It's a loud shout.

The windows in this block of the city shatter instantly.

It's a black bolt kind of thing, yeah.

My heart made that noise the day the six-finger man killed my father.

Okay, with that, Pierre Reynolds is going to peel off from this confrontation and begin making his way towards the center of town.

Next in the order

and all that.

And

okay, Philo, you are up next.

Nice and simple.

I'm going to take out that last pylon.

With how and I'm going to do it the same way I did.

I'm going to fly to the orb.

I'm going to jam my little Phillips head into it.

No, flathead.

Flathead.

Will you just look for a switch or something?

No time.

No time.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, man.

No time for switches.

Lord Kevin says, should we take a step back, Puppet Man?

Yes, that would be prudent.

Yeah.

But it's, I find myself unable to do so.

It's not his turn.

So go ahead and

let's see.

This would be another Arcana check, right?

As you attempt to

dismantle this

last remaining 22.

Yes.

Okay, with a 22, y'all are all going to make dexterity saving throws with advantage.

You are able to control the destruction of this conduit a little bit.

Are you sad that you don't get to make one?

Me?

No, Justin.

He's at home.

Oh, yeah.

No, I just have, I already have advantage on stuff like this.

You don't have to take it.

Yeah, I get double advantage.

Yeah, that should be cool.

I got a 21 total.

Okay.

14 plus.

Sir Kevin Crit on his

saving throw.

I got a 20.

Okay.

You all.

If I ever go on Twitch, Sir Kevin Crit is going to be my username.

That's really good.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Okay.

You all are able to easily sidestep

just

a drink.

I think it's free.

It's available.

Yeah.

So I'll just slide it there.

Okay.

Dad doesn't know about the Doctor Disrespect drama, so he just thinks Dr.

Disrespect is a sick ass name, and it is

honestly.

That's why I'm just taking it.

A bolt of amber electricity rips out of the orb and streaks up the walls of the building between the three of you,

sending bricks scattering all over the clearing.

You are able to easily dodge them.

As

this last pylon goes down, and I'm going to put a skull on it, because I know some of us really need the skulls,

the searchlight extinguishes.

And you all see the light at the top of Lumino Tower begin to flicker.

It is flickering in a sort of rhythm, sort of slow at first, but you see it sort of

hasten as

moments begin to pass.

Lady Godwin, where you are,

the front heavy metal door of the tower.

There were streaks of sort of amber light going through the metal plating of the door that extinguish completely.

The door is still closed,

but this constant sort of machine hum that you heard coming from the door has been silenced as you knock out the last of the pylons.

Philo, that was your turn.

We are now at Mutt.

Mutt,

that is the picture of what is going on right now.

Okay, cool.

I'm going to check my spell slots.

Okay.

But then if they're okay, I'm going to attempt to do Zephyr Strike.

On...

Well, first on myself.

And then...

So I'm going to run forward to where I can see things.

With your speed, you are able to get here.

Okay.

Sort of up with

the side of Lumino Tower.

Whoever the musician is that's attacking.

Yes, you can see the basis, the remaining musician that is attacking Godwin.

Okay.

I am going to target him.

Okay.

Yeah, I got one more spell.

Great.

And hit him with a Zephyr Strike.

Alright, use Zephyr Strike and shoot him.

Okay.

Make a ranged attack roll, please.

Let me wait for...

Oh, it is a 12.

Ah, that hits.

Sick.

And then.

10 points of damage total.

Where are you aiming at on him?

His foot

okay no knee i'm gonna do a terminator go for his knee okay you send a bolt flying into his knee uh which spins him around and he yells oh that was bad enough to kill me

i actually have advantage on it at bite so i could

just see if i can kill him yeah i mean you could try to crit i guess Why do you have advantage on the hit?

Because I use Zephyr Strike.

Oh, that's what it

is part of it.

It also gives me

extra damage.

No, okay.

I almost cried.

I could also do 1v8 extra damage, but it sounds like I don't need to.

No, you don't.

You hit him in the knee so good that he goes to sleep right where he's standing.

You lose.

You take him out.

He passes out from the shock of what has just happened.

Okay.

And then I get another 30 feet.

of movement from Zephyr Strike.

Okay, you can get basically wherever you want here in this center.

I'm going to get up to Lady Goblin.

Okay.

In front of the door or to her side can i open the door uh not now because you have taken your your action uh complicated door huh uh i mean like if i if i travis mcroy opened a door i wouldn't mark something off my to-do list if you know what i mean but there is a smart butt uh there's like no doorknob to the story this door is mechanically opened and locked uh i thought you were saying it was like a smart butt kind of lock where only the right butt would open only

frankenstein's butt maybe Maybe if you had cut Frankenstein's butt off.

I said, I told you guys.

Next.

I told you not to cut off his butt in case there was a microchip in it that opened the door.

Okay, the bridge clubbers

are going to make three attack rolls against the

poor frame of Piccadilly Slim.

Only the last one of them hits.

He's down to one HP, so you see them stomp on Piccadilly Slim,

who also becomes as dormant as Daphne Goodengold in the corner.

I think with that,

you all are briefly, I'm going to say the remaining,

there's like two people who you have not taken out in this encounter.

They are far enough out that you all have a beat here where you are out of initiative.

As

the clubbers finish off Piccadilly Slim, you all see a circular object flying through the sky.

As it slowly glides down into the clearing, you see a frisbee that as it lands on the ground transforms into the shape of Elizabeth, the sports druid.

From a nearby manhole, Gordon Clearwater pops out.

and joins his wife.

And he says,

Well, you all seem to have done quite well for yourself.

You did

forget to run the dryer, so we did actually come.

There's like 50 gold penalty for that.

But let's focus on matters at hand.

You are really cleaned up here.

Yeah, just in time, Gordon.

You know, here to help.

We appreciate it, of course.

Philo,

you are able to join the group here in the middle,

if you wish.

And Lady Aggie's safe and secure.

As you say that, you see Lady Aggie come around the corner into the clearing, and she is

joined by

just another form.

It is another animal, a dog.

He looks pleased as punch.

You all also see Sloppy come in.

Sloppy!

And him and Lady Aggie are sort of affectionately nuzzling as they approach the unconscious body of Jeremy Pipes and Sloppy just starts kind of chewing on Jeremy Pipes idol sloppy

now listen if you two's gonna be together

there's something very important I have to do and I draw Scalibur I knight the Sir Sloppy

So now you can be Sir and Lady.

So now there's a balance of roles.

Or else there's too much strain on the relationship.

You know what I mean?

Sir Kevin comes.

Exactly.

Sir Kevin comes around the corner and sees this ceremony, and he's like, oh,

you just...

So any animal, you just do it.

You have seniority.

Okay.

You hear that, dog?

I'm in charge.

And the lizard,

I don't want to freak your bean, man, but you only last for an hour anyway, so.

I only what?

Don't worry about it, man.

Don't worry about it.

You all see, as you congregate in the middle of this clearing, Pierre Reynolds runs in to join you.

And

he

runs up.

You see, Gordon get very scared as this were bear charges in.

Pierre runs up to you, Lady Godwin,

and

he says,

I let Zibear out.

don't I I don't know how to put him back in the bottle

I understand

here's what I need you to do Pierre

accept that you are also the bear

you can't put the bear back in the bottle you can't change you're you I'm me.

That's fine.

But we need to accept the bear.

Stop stuffing him away.

Let's try loving him.

Loving the bear.

Love the bear.

Love the bear.

People all over America.

Sorry.

Love the bear.

Who viewers agree?

Rave reviews, man.

You are right.

He's part of me.

Thank you, Lady Godwin.

You are.

Did you kill Daphne Goldengood?

I did it.

As you say that, you all see

figures illuminated by

the burning Hyundai Elantra

and the faint light from the tower above.

For the most part, these streets here have gone

silent.

I'm not going to put a hundred more tokens on this map, which is already, it's quite crowded.

But you see, coming through these sort of four main alley entrances to the north and the south and the east and the west,

you see figures of

shambling citizens of Lumino beginning to stage a second wave assault against the center here.

You see Pierre turn to you, Godwin.

He says, Leave them to us.

You get in the tower.

We will hold them up for as long as we can.

You're going to finish structure, yes?

And take his teeth.

Elizabeth looks at the three of you.

She says, go with my blessing.

She's going to cast

mass cure wounds.

Heck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

On all of the injured parties here.

And,

you know what?

Go ahead and heal up to full.

This is going to be a big heal.

You all are down a bit just to make this clean.

You feel just.

It's like you've just drank 30 Gatorades.

Like you feel like electrolytes coursing through you,

repairing your wounds from the inside out.

She looks at you and says, Bring back

the sun.

And we'll figure out the stuff

with the dryer later.

Fair.

But it's important.

It's our home, and we let you crash in it.

And the least you could have done is

the linens.

Just go and bring back the sun.

Listen, you want a good review on TripAdvisor, don't you?

Gordon smiles.

and says, that hasn't been invented yet.

Coco!

Coco!

Yes, okay, fine.

You're fucking pumpkin fries.

But I say, Cronut,

you do what Pierre tells you.

Help these fine folks fend off the throngs.

Throngs.

Sorry, I got another frongs.

Dad has to be really deliberate about what's going on with Cronut at all times, or my brothers will try to disappear him again.

Yeah.

I can't believe it.

You're the one defending.

You're the one scared of the pumpkin.

It's for you, dude.

Like

Justin, you're the only brother I've got going.

Evan and I are trying to protect you.

Cronut, stay with them.

The only cronut dad has going.

That's true.

I don't have anything else.

And then

finally, a son dad can be proud of.

Can Philo

use them use tools to open the door?

Yeah, sure.

Give me a sleight of hand check check

and add your proficiency bonus to

this roll.

That is a

17 plus proficiency.

That would be a dirty 20.

Yes, with a dirty 20, you are able to

pry a couple of

flathead screwdrivers in between the two doors.

And as you pull them apart, you make a big enough gap.

that the sort of assembled people here, you see Tyler, the organ grinder,

help you pull these massive doors open.

And he takes up defensive positions as

your associates throughout this adventure stand in a phalanx blocking the front door of Lumino Tower.

The vampire will see us now.

Let's go.

And then just a quick eight-hour nap to get back all my spell slots.

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