Bugle 4044 – Nuke the Amazon

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4044 of The Bugle, one of the world's top 10 billion sources of hope in a cruel, cruel universe, with me, Andy Zaltzman.

Let me introduce myself.

For those who don't know me, I like thinking about the look on a labrador's face if you threw a tennis ball for it to chase down a bobsled run but I dislike people who actually throw tennis balls down bobsled runs for labradors to chase that's simple cruelty I also for a bit of further background detail on what I'm like as a person think it odd that if you offered a penguin a bucket of herring or a functioning set of wings or a jetpack the indulgent fish obsessed gravity bothering ornithological incompetent would choose the fish sometimes these species just don't want to help themselves.

Welcome to the people.

I'm joined this week by two of the many people in the world who this week were not elected to become the new president of Portugal.

I think they've kept the same one they had before, for which we should be thankful because instead we have them on the bugle and I will introduce them in the traditional style with what may be a fact or maybe a lie.

Your choice.

Here in London, it's the former Lusitanian emissary to the League of Nations, Tiffany Stevenson.

Hello.

Welcome back, Tiff.

Hi, that is a truth.

All right, good.

Good.

Yeah, check your Wikipedia page.

Yeah, it's on Snopes.

Go look it up.

So since you were last on the show, you've

been up in Edinburgh and...

Have for the full month.

How was that?

It was, well, the show was called Bombshell, and it did feel like the apocalypse was happening while we were there.

So I just treated every single show like it was the end of days.

It was really great fun.

Right.

Might not be here tomorrow.

Let's have a great show.

Yeah.

It'd be outrageous.

I've certainly had audiences leave my shows thinking it was the end of days.

And in New York City, it's a man described by Noam Chomsky as the most natural dancer I've ever seen in a scuba diving outfit.

Five stars.

That's from Underwater Funk magazine in October 1998.

It's Hari, the groove shark, Condobolu.

Oh, hey,

I wish I got the lie.

Aww.

Why Why do I always get the true one?

How's things in America, Harry?

You've read the news.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, right.

Good point.

So we are recording on the 22nd of September, 2017.

Today is World Car Free Day.

So none of us are recording this whilst in a car.

So I had a little gesture.

And to mark this day, we are giving you, the listeners, a selection of free honks to use as a pedestrian.

Because that's fundamentally why most people still drive cars, just so you have the license to honk in people's faces, which if you did it by just going up and honking a horn in their face would be more socially unacceptable.

That's why the car is still popular.

It's a basic human instinct to honk in people's faces.

So we are now allowing you, pedestrians, pedestrian buglers, simply download these sounds onto your telephone or carve them into a circular bit of vinyl and play them through an amplifier whilst walking down the streets of wherever you lives, Ville.

To express your disapproval at the driving skills of your fellow humans, choose from one of the following honks.

I will interpret them for you.

That was a disappointing piece of driving.

I suggest you try much harder in future.

Ouch, that was one of my favourite feat you just drove over.

Then.

There is no universe in which you should be allowed to be in charge of a large slab of fast-moving metal.

F you.

And finally,

the evidence of your attitude to your fellow road users suggests in unarguable terms that you may well be, and in all likelihood are in fact, a total

on this day, the 22nd of September in 480 BC

or BCE, we're still waiting for clarification on which one of those two years it was, one of the most important naval battles in the history of Europe, a battle that helped shape the political and artistic evolution of the world between the Greeks and the Persians, the Battle of Salamis, I think it's pronounced, which the Greeks defeated the Persian navy armed only with spiced Italian sausages.

Bit of history for you there.

It's not enough Salamis jokes knocking around on the circuit these days.

Yeah, you can crack out a mortadella one as well.

On this day in 1906, leonardo torres y cuevedo uh successfully demonstrated the world's first remote control in bilbao he guided a boat uh a remote control boat from the shore in 1907 that is the greatest invention in history 111 years ago today thank you senor cuevedo for saving me hundreds of thousands of three meter journeys to and from my television set.

You're the greatest hero in history.

The amount of time,

the amount of leisure time that that man has created for humanity and as always the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin uh this week well today is also it's not only uh world car free day it's also world rhino day um and to commemorate this we've got a special rhinoceros pull-out uh including a free fertilized rhinoceros egg for you to plant in your window box which should be a lovely little rhino cub by next march if the winter isn't too harsh uh we have rhino facts including that the computer joystick was invented by former u.s presidents and current Mountain Rushmore big-faced rock hunk Theodore Roosevelt on his post-presidential wildlife slaying wind down African extravaganza back in 1909 when he famously killed a roundabout, we've talked about this on the Beagle Port, something like 10,000 animals

as he wound down.

Got a bit de-mob happy after leaving the White House.

But on that, he invented the joystick on that.

I'm really pressing my buttons with this bit, Andy.

Yep.

Thank you very much.

He won a game of Rhinocerodio, uh which was uh basically rodeo on a rhinoceros as you'd expect by controlling uh his rhino by its horn and occasionally pressing its eyelids like buttons.

That was the invention of the computer joystick.

Nick Theo.

I heard that he also broke his nose and had to get rhinoplasty.

Very good.

I wish I'd have thought of that one.

We both started strong today.

Well done.

We also have a competition for you buglers to suggest an improvement to the rhinoceros.

Yes, it's been a successful and enduring species, but its progress has been held up somewhat against the greatest species in the world, such as humans, by being too easy to shoot and having horns that are better at medicine than all of the world's leading pharmaceutical companies and scientists put together.

Or at least that's what I've been told by my friend Chinese Brenda.

So which...

What...

So we ask you buglers, what do you think the rhino should be doing to improve on its current existence?

Horns as Wi-Fi routers, flippers instead of feet, or even longer, thinner feet that could act as useful runners on ice.

I mean, we'd pay to watch rhino ice hockey, wouldn't we?

Yeah.

The rhino needs a personality trait, though.

There's no, it's like hippos.

They've got like hungry hippos.

Right.

What is it that the rhino has?

It needs like a, you know.

You're saying it's all business.

There's not enough

flare species.

Yeah, yeah, you know, like crazy monkey.

Yep.

I don't know, I can't think of any others.

But the rhino is definitely lagging behind.

The rhinos, yeah, like maybe it's apathetic.

Maybe that's its thing, the apathetic rhino.

It does look kind of apathetic.

Chris, do you have any stats on

turnout in rhinoceros elections over the last 25%?

25%.

That just shows.

Yeah, the apathetic.

That's the

local election level.

That's appalling.

And also, we have some rhino what-ifs.

What if baby Stalin had been swapped for a baby Sumatran rhinoceros at birth?

How different would the 20th century have been?

And what if the Titanic had been modelled on the rhinoceros instead of built like a conventional boat?

I think there'd have been pluses and minuses with that.

Yeah.

I think it would have nudged the iceberg out of the way, but

less smooth through the water.

Would Rose have still hogged that whole door to herself?

Right, so you'd had Leonardo DiCaprio and Cape Winslet on a massive rhino horn.

I'd have paid to see that.

Would the rhino's mouth be closed?

Because if it was open, it seems like very counterproductive.

The water would go in.

I'm guessing there is a reason why boats have traditionally not been modelled on rhinoceros, despite the obvious ice-breaking capabilities.

But if the mouth was open and it was, would it surely not be taking in water and letting it back out?

Or it wouldn't be breathing through it, would it?

But it might be able to.

I don't know.

We need to get a scientist on.

Chris, can you just call up?

Just look in the yellow pages.

Yep.

Does the yellow pages still exist?

I think they cancelled it.

See if there's any local rhino scientists who can come in and clear this up before the end of this show.

Top story this week and Trump at the United Nations.

Sensational action from the High Priest of Prating.

Hari, this all happened at the UN

on your doorstep.

What's your take on

the extraordinary performance of

your national leader?

Well,

he didn't insult that many people.

That's good.

He was fairly even,

didn't yell, there weren't any threats, you know, the normal dictatorial behavior that we're used to.

He did, however,

say that he's a big fan of the United Nations in part because he built the Trump Tower across from the UN, which ended up being good for him.

The audience was very confused as to how that was relevant.

It was not a good speech.

Apparently Kim Jong-un laughed so hard that peasant blood came out of his nose.

Wow.

Was it an ungood speech?

It was very ungood.

His sound bites have been really quite incredible with Kim Jong, haven't they?

Because first it was Fire and Fury, then it was locked and loaded.

And I was like, I think he's just naming Jason Statham films.

That's what he's doing.

Like describing himself as militaristic.

And I think that he's got that confused with materialistic, right?

Because you can't describe yourself as militaristic when you dodge the draft like a number of times.

And the other one, what was the other one?

He said, Rocket Man.

He called him a rocket man, which I love because in Scotland, rocket means idiot.

So maybe his mum taught him that one.

Oh, right.

You know, like, bolt your rocket.

He also got a nation confused.

He created the African nation of Nambia.

I think he meant Namibia.

And maybe crossed it with Gambia.

Gambia and Zambia.

Perhaps.

But to be fair, most Americans probably would not have thought Namibia or Gambia was a country until this came out.

Right.

So basically he's being educational by introducing Americans not to just one country, Namibia, but to three countries, including Zambia and Gambia, that he could also have been referring to.

Oh, yes, it was deliberate.

It was absolutely deliberate.

Right.

I mean, also, I mean, mean, you think about it, he's helping the Namibian economy, which, you know, is not one of the world's great economies, to improve by, you know, save a syllable, boost the economy.

All that extra time spent saying the i,

the first ir of Namibia.

Well, if you add that up.

All the ink on your official documents.

You add that up over a hundred years, that could boost the economy by up to £30,000.

You can't sniff at that in this day and age.

What about £30,000 to use another African currency, Zimbabwean dollars?

Right.

Which is about a penny.

Well, sadly, I don't think the Zimbabwean dollar is quite as glorious as it used to be.

I think.

Oh, you're joking.

Yeah.

I mean,

we should cling to it.

We should never let it go.

I mean, it's the favourite.

It is the official currency of the Bugle podcast.

The Zimbabwean dollar.

You're getting paid in Zimbabwean dollars.

Am I?

I've always wanted someone to say, you look a million dollars and then say, Zimbabwean.

I like the fact that he was in the morning of the first day, like the Secretary General appealed for calm rhetoric

and then put Trump up first.

Which is sort of like saying, oh, Mr.

Ball, welcome to the China shop.

Come in, but do be careful.

Everything's terribly.

Oh, f it.

That's the Ming Va's broken.

He got some pretty poor reviews.

The Iranian foreign minister called it an ignorant hate speech that belongs in medieval times.

Which I think Trump will probably put on his election posters next time.

So up his core vote.

Um, North Korea called it a dog's bark.

I'm not sure entirely what they meant by that.

Um,

uh,

but you know, I mean, that could be complimentary or rude.

But we did have uh Kim Jong-un describing Donald Trump as a dotard this week.

Uh, now, no one knows if he invented this word, or it is, in fact, technically, I was just reading a 14th century Old English word.

And I mean, it is possible that Kim Jong-un is just a massive fan of early English poetry.

He's been studying.

You'd normally go to Boris Johnson for one of those.

He seems to have the dictionary of out-of-date, ridiculous, stupid, idiotic things to say.

You really emphasise the syllable dick in that.

Yeah.

Dick.

He said, it is entirely up to us whether we lift the world to new heights or let it fall into a valley of disrepair.

Which, I mean, does, bearing in mind that he is the man who spent the last 18 months holding the world by the ankles, dangling it over the edge of the the valley of disrepair.

It is entirely up to you.

Yes.

I want to go to the valley of disrepair.

Yeah, and you imagine you'll get a pretty cheap holiday there.

Yeah.

Is it near like, well, what would it be near?

Like, is it like

a canyon?

Well, I don't imagine it's somewhere in America.

You know, the famous

America.

In remembering the great victory that led to this body's founding, so the origin of the United Nations after the Second World War, we must never forget that those heroes who fought against evil also fought for the nations that they love.

Patriotism led the Poles to die to save Poland, the French to fight for a free France, and the Brits to stand strong for Britain.

Now, I mean, it's amazing that patriotism proved, you know, apparently, according to no lesser source than the President of America, the decisive factor in the Second World War.

And imagine how different the result could have been if the teams on the other side had been patriotic as well.

Hang on, Mr.

History!

Hang on!

Basically, the thrust of Trump's speech was that nations acting in their own self-interest creates a more stable world.

So, let us just check with history on that one.

I'm delighted to have history on the line now to clear this one up for us.

Hello, history.

Hello, Andy.

Big fan of the show.

So, History, thanks for joining us on the bugle.

Is Mr.

Trump right to say that nations acting in their own self-interest does, in fact, create a more stable world?

Hang on, Andy.

Let me just check my notes for you.

No,

not there either.

No, definitely not.

Oh, definitely not that one.

No,

no, it's a definite no, Andy.

It's uh, no, although it does, I guess, depend what you mean by stable.

Do you mean stable as in riven by conflict, inequality, resentment, and exploitation?

Uh, no, Hish, I don't, I don't really mean that.

All that's a no, then.

They're definitely definitely a no.

Anything else?

Uh, how are you feeling at the moment, History?

I don't know, I don't know, I keep telling myself conflicting stories, and I don't understand anything anymore.

I'm scarred by regret, and I'm sick of people flatly ignoring my lessons, but I don't really fing know what lessons I'm trying to teach anymore.

I'm confused.

I'm angry, and I'm fing tired.

Go find yourself another past.

I'll quit.

Well, that one came flooding out there.

History having a tough time.

Why is history northern?

Look at the Industrial Revolution.

You know nothing.

Andy, can you call history back and see if he repeats himself?

Boom!

Well,

yes.

I mean,

if history is anything like my accents, yes, he does repeat himself.

I mean, all Trump had to do, honestly, is just do the Bill Pullman speech from Independence Day

because it it wouldn't have made sense, but what he said really didn't make sense, and at least it would have been enjoyable for everyone.

And if he did it every time, it's like, oh, Trump's going to pull out the speech again, that's great.

And it's just at least it's something to look forward to when he speaks.

It's not going to make sense either way.

And who doesn't like that speech?

It's very unifying.

He could do like loads of different speeches from big films, and then every, yeah, then every time it would be a treat, you go, How's he going to interpret

Pacino in

any given Sunday?

And that would, you're right, you would just look forward to that.

Yeah, I think this is this could be the future for all political rhetoric, just

rabble-rousing speeches from great movie scenes.

Yeah, I mean, also, I mean, also, the Trump, Trump has a, you know, as

well documented, a proud family history of stealing other people's speeches.

I mean, did anyone like what he said?

I mean, it felt like none of the leaders liked him.

Oh, Netanyahu loved it.

Netanyahu was the only one.

And it sort of reminded me of like, you know, when you have a birthday party and all your cool mates are there?

I never had cool mates.

I don't know why.

I've never had a cool mate.

Well, just your friends.

Let's just say friends.

All your friends are there and your mum's forced you to invite your weird, shameful cousin.

You know, the one that tried to get off of you and said, What?

It's not illegal.

You're like, mom, no one likes him.

No one wants him here.

And she's like, he's a nice boy.

He always asks how I am.

And your mum is basically Netanyahu

in that scenario.

Yes, he was the only person there who don't ask me about my weird cousin.

Okay.

I could see you looking at me going.

You did kind of leave

that little sub-story hanging there.

But, you know, let's move on.

Well, Teresa May kind of addressed him without actually saying his name.

She basically said that like climate change and terrorism are kind of on the same page and you know by neglecting working on climate change,

you know, you're damaging the world.

So he's ba she was basically sub-tweeting Trump.

And here's one of the highlights of what she said.

Maybe some of us are more concerned about climate change because we live on the earth and not in our big fat heads.

My God, he has a mouth that looks like an anus.

The environment trumps money.

It trumps money.

Yeah, I'm talking about him.

You know,

you know, and that's, that's,

at least that's what's what I wrote down.

Right, okay.

Yeah.

Do you think Trump's the kind of guy who doesn't believe in global warming because sometimes it's snowing in Washington?

And that is when they call it the Wedhouse.

I don't think he believes in global warming because he's the devil and it's hot in hell.

There's a danger in this, though.

If Theresa May says that global warming is as big a threat as terrorism, that's...

He's just going to nuke the Amazon or something.

Teach it a lesson.

Show those trees who's boss.

I think we need to get Hari into like interpret all of her speeches though.

Because if you could help with

Brexit means Brexit, if you could help us out with what she means there.

It means we fed up.

That is exactly what it means.

That is essentially what Brexit means Brexit does mean is we fed up brackets and we're now playing for time.

And in fact, as we record, Theresa May is in Florence delivering a speech on

Brexit, essentially attempting to slap a 20 billion euro note down on

Europe's ass, saying, What are you going to do with that?

I mean, we're still obviously waiting for the mud to settle

on the aftermath of Brexit, so we can mould that mud into the shape of an extended middle finger, fire it in the kiln of democratic futility, and then just plonk it in the middle of Britain as a legacy for future generations to gaze at.

But she said, History will judge Brexit, quotes, not for the differences we faced, but for the vision we showed.

Well, I mean, a vision comes in many forms.

I think the vision we've showed is very similar to the vision showed by a dweeb who's just been punched in the face by a passing Terminator.

Also, he said, We'll be remembered not for the challenges we endured, but for the creativity we used to overcome them.

Creativity.

Creativity is what I want from a passing midfielder in a football match, or possibly someone painting a mural in a chapel in the Vatican.

Creativity in major trade negotiations,

that's worrying to me.

I don't want them getting poetic about it.

Oh, it's a word salad again, isn't it?

It just means she is the master of the pointless euphemism, isn't she?

Or soundbite?

I mean, like, visions are what Cordelia has in Angel, the TV series.

So future visions, that's, you know,

she gets a blinding headache and then goes, someone's going to be attacked in an alleyway by a demon.

So maybe that is what she means.

That's out of my cultural reference zone.

Really?

No, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel or Sweden.

There was sport on, I think.

So I missed it.

Morgan Freeman versus Russia news.

My favourite sort of news, this.

This is a good segment.

You should keep this segment.

Russia claims that the US is using Morgan Freeman to attack them because a video was released from the activist organization ATTN, or Attention, where Freeman encouraged Americans to take a serious look at Russia's interference in the 2016 election, and he compared it to a movie script.

And Freeman claimed that this was an act of war.

So basically, he said that this is like, imagine a movie where

like a Russian maniac, and he kind of like, you know, tried to get people to really be afraid of the situation.

And

this is, this is, I mean, Russia has some reason to be suspicious.

I mean, first of all, they're pretty sure that March of the Penguins was a military training video of the US weaponizing penguins.

Matter of time.

Surely a matter of time.

It was about, I mean, it still hasn't proven that it hasn't been.

He made it sound like a nature film, but they, you know,

there's no evidence that won't happen.

How about that?

Well, surely also, the torpedo,

the torpedo must have been modeled on the penguin.

I mean, that's, you know, it's essentially a penguin diving in to catch a fish, just going a bit further and banging into another ship, isn't it?

And blowing it up.

Yeah, it's a penguin all over, isn't it?

You've really got it in for penguins today, haven't you?

They've had it too easy for too long.

Also, Russia was kind of already in a weakened position because they had asked James Earl Jones

to voice several videos in their attempts to counter what they called the Freeman Offensive.

And also, Yakov Smirnov said, in America, you can always find a party.

In Soviet Russia, the party always finds you.

It's unrelated to anything, but he had to get it in.

Who did the casting for this?

I heard De Niro's furious that he didn't get a call.

He didn't even get seen for it.

Also, no female parts again.

That is a fail, Hollywood.

Shocking.

Shocking.

Never arrange, but it pulls.

Have you watched any of the response videos to it, Harry?

No, I have not.

Oh, I watched the Alex Jones response to this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was glorious.

What I really wish is that before Alex Jones does any video, like that he would swallow the food that he was eating 10 seconds before they turned the camera on.

Because he just sounds like, oh, look, he's swallowing.

And he got this Trump supporter on.

He was like, you know, we're talking about the guy who played God.

People take this guy seriously.

We're talking about the guy who was in Shawshank.

as if the video opened up going, The first time I met Vladimir Putin.

But he kept referring to him the whole way through Alex Jones as Morgan Friedman, like consistently making him Jewish, which spit which sort of fits with a conspiracy theorist very well, doesn't it?

If we can make it the fault of Jewish people, we will.

But

on the video, it said CIR, and his quip was, What does CIR stand for?

You know, crep info royale.

Burger King make that apparently.

He's got Freeman confused with Samuel L.

Jackson in pulp fiction.

You should do an episode of you like listening back to

a former bugle and just getting all your reactions to it.

Oh, right.

I sheltered Andy from most of those.

Yeah.

We've destroyed the tapes.

In other Showbiz news, Kelly Ann Conway, not happy with the Emmys.

Tiff is our official Kellyanne Conway correspondent.

Yeah, everywhere seemed to be showing Kelly Ann Conway's Emmy Roundup as if she's an entertainment's channel and someone asked her.

But she was on Fox News and

she was like, what do I think about the Emmys?

This is my Kelly Ann.

Do you like it?

Well, this is what she said.

She said, well, some of those actresses didn't eat for like two months.

They got themselves primed and preened and they didn't eat for two months and dare to criticize Trump.

I haven't eaten for five years and I would never say anything bad about our president.

Like, I just watched it going, seriously, f off, mate.

Her main criticism was that they got primped, preened, and skinny to repeat themselves over and over again.

What are you talking about?

That's literally your career going on.

Just putting makeup on her haunted ass face.

She is being haunted, by the way, by a 3,000-year-old demon.

That's why she just looks tired all the time.

That's a fact.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's exhausting.

Okay.

Well, thank you for digging that up as our Kellyanne Conway correspondent.

Andy's just questioned a fact.

Oh, really?

Okay.

It's the notable Emmys, of course.

So two Emmys for a former Bugle co-host,

I think Mr.

John Oliver received the Emmys for Most Elongated Departure from a Podcast and Least Enthusiasm for Physical Contact on a Football Pitch.

Very little contest for that.

So well done to John for those.

But it was odd too for Kellyanne Conway to complain that the Emmys had become too politicised

given that politics has become too show bizificated.

Exhibit one, your finging boss, Conway.

Your fing boss.

Yeah, she said it was,

you know, this is why people are tuning out.

She said, people are tuning out because, you know, we want to be entertained.

We don't want actors to have an opinion on politics.

You know, she was like, it's disappointing when things like Miss America are politicized.

Really?

Or isn't Miss America just disappointing as a concept?

That's an odd one to pick on, though, isn't it?

Yeah, she was like,

sports have gotten politicized.

Sorry, my voice is running out of batteries.

But sports have gotten politicized and now awards and Miss America and we just want to be entertained.

And then she said she was really pleased that Kate McKinnon had won for doing an impression of her.

Like, she was like, I was so pleased, but she won for mocking you.

It's like getting dumped and going, yeah, but it's because I was too good looking.

That's why I got dumped.

And then she said she enjoyed Sean Spicer.

All right.

Those words can't be said that often.

Well, she said that she enjoyed Sean Spicer because he showed that he was a man of good humor and introspection.

She said this is something that folks in Hollywood often lack, which is introspection and good humor.

But then when she was told that Spicer didn't write the sketch himself, but the writers from Hollywood did, she responded, no, they didn't.

That cannot be proven.

British baby names news now and the latest rankings have come out for the most popular names in Britain for new babies

as opposed to old babies that have been renamed.

They're discounted from the charts.

You've got to make a decision and stick to it.

The most popular boy's name in Britain now is Mohammed in its various different spellings.

You add them all up, that gets to the top of the rankings.

And

the most popular spelling of Mohammed in itself is in the top 10, having knocked out William.

In the girls' charts, Poppy has been knocked out of the top 10, ten, replaced with a more geopolitically aware opium trade.

There were fewer than three Nigels

born in 2016, despite Nigel Farage

having been so prominent.

Because it's ridiculous to call a baby Nigel.

Who looks at a baby and goes, that's a Nige?

Look at that.

Well, it's a bit of a Herbert's name.

Well, there are a lot of names that suit babies but don't suit adults

and vice versa.

So maybe, you know, you should...

Your name should evolve with you.

But basically, Nigel is as statistically popular as, amongst other names, Ermintrude, Tinder, Junk, Medea, Quirty UYOP, Urethra, Shitbag, Plank, Wonka, Bugle, and K ⁇ .

So

some surprise names in there.

There have been 28 babies called Baby.

Apparently.

The name Baby has been.

28.

That is unimaginative parenting.

Is that a genuinely?

Would Snopes check that out?

Snopes would check that out.

I mean, that's straight off the internet.

When you first started, I did think those were all true.

I was like, someone called their kid junk.

Tinger didn't even register, but I was like,

I'm sure that's one of Sarah Palin's kids, isn't it?

For

Daenerys's,

certainly evidence of Daenerys.

Daenerys songs.

Daenerys.

Daenerys.

I'm out of the loop.

Daenerys.

Chris, I got annoyed there as well.

I felt an instant reaction to your mispronunciation of

the mother of dragons.

Daenerys.

Daenerys, of course,

in Game of Thrones, known named that way because when she was born, her father got absolutely hammered and was asked who his favourite Motown singer was.

And he said, Daenerys and the Supremes.

They're fing great.

That's the origin of that.

That's a fact.

Yeah, seven Zeuses,

21 Apollos, four Jupiters.

So Zeus beating Jupiter.

That's good news for the Greeks as they attempt to recover from their economic catastrophes.

Any Norse gods in there?

I think there were a few Thors.

How many Barringtons?

Barrington.

Fewer than three.

Sadly.

Why Barrington, Chris?

It's a power name as far as I'm concerned.

It's a power name.

Ironically, not really a power batsman back in the 60s for any cricket fans listening.

What does it take to make a power name?

Is it like more than three syllables or three syllables plus?

Picture your dream boss.

Yeah, it's you, Chris.

Okay, Christopher's a power name, then, yeah.

Right.

How many Chris's there were?

There were

41,

41 boys called Chris.

Yeah.

Good lads.

Were there any Tiffany's?

I feel like my name peaked in the 90s.

87 Tiffany's, 346 in 1996.

Yeah.

How many Haris?

Hari,

83 Haris.

That's up.

How many Hari Kundabolus?

I'll put in Kundabolu.

None, sadly.

There's no babies called Bugle, sadly.

That is a disappointment.

Matter of time.

11.

There were no babies named Colonel Reginald Dyer, who was the man responsible for the Umritzer massacre of 1919.

Let's go.

Let's go.

How many Donalds, just out of interest?

Donald, there were a few Donalds.

I did check this.

Donald.

Nine boys called Donald.

Down from 23.

He's caused that.

And three, this really got me.

Three babies called Isis.

Those are parents who have been storing up the news to catch up with on their

digital set-top box and have not caught up.

I mean, that's.

Maybe they're naming it after the chain of really cheap hotels.

I don't care what you're naming it after

but certain names come with a connotation I think and I believe ISIS as a brand is now tainted.

I don't know

I'm not going out on a limb when I think about it.

Their market share's gone down have they?

Right.

I mean maybe that's it because that was the name of the dog in Downton Abbey was it?

Isis.

Though maybe that's parents thinking no, the dog in Downton Abbey will outlast.

And maybe this is a this is reclaiming the name.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if any of those ISIS have since been renamed Daesh or not, but

also maybe they are banking on ISIS winning and they're going for the gamble.

Like, oh, you know, if this works out, this kid has a great name.

Right.

It's low percentage, but you know, way to go.

Very low percentage.

From a religious point of view, clear winner, like I said, Mohammed, now the most popular, most popular boy's name.

Six Jesuses,

67 Moses' go on Team J

five Vishnus, no Buddhas, but 180 buddies.

I don't know, can you count that?

Is that short for Buddha?

Yeah,

I reckon we can count that.

And no Confuciuses, but 387 Connies.

Your emails now, this came in from Richard Tibbles, who writes, Andy, I'm currently attending the UNESCO Second World Open Educational Resources Congress in Ljubljana, Slovenia.

I was surprised to hear a reference to Slow Cook Democracy from Bugle issue 293

from the Slovenian TV news host and MC for the event, Igor Bergant.

And apparently he name-checked

me and John in his reference to Slow Cook, so our influence is felt far and wide, even at UN events with delegates from over a hundred countries.

So this is the kind of power we wield on the show, Stefan Harry.

So are there any any

words of wisdom you'd like to send out for future UNESCO conferences to pick up on?

Yeah, food banks are not uplifting.

Right, okay, yes.

Well, this was Jacob Reese Mogg,

as previously discussed on Recent Bugles, the Member of Parliament for 1764.

He described that people using food banks, he describes as uplifting because it shows how compassionate.

we are as a nation.

Yeah, to help other people, but they caused it.

It's sort of like him slashing you with a knife and saying, Look, maybe that non-asshole over there has a plaster for you.

Yeah, I'm aware that I'm the one that's cut you, but don't expect me to stitch it up.

Look, if I had to cut you, that guy with the plaster wouldn't have been able to help you.

I'm basically creating heroes.

Essentially, what he said was similar to

you know, saying that the fact that we in Britain now apply basic animal cruelty standards in abattoirs shows that we are an extremely vegan nation.

Yeah, yeah,

he also claimed that Buckingham Palace was simply a care facility for an elderly woman.

Oh, he's really, do you know what?

He's managed to do the unthinkable Reesmog, which is to make Boris look more likable.

Right.

So, yeah, it's, I mean, that's an extremely high tariff.

I mean, that's what he's been sent, presumably, to do.

Do you think so?

Yes.

By the

people behind the scenes.

By the Bilderberg group.

Do keep your emails coming into hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

That is all we have time.

I'm sorry, we did have a story lined up about a penis that had been drawn in the background of a children's cartoon that had provoked various complaints from

watchers, including a comment on mine saying, This is scandalous.

This is how they implant subliminal thoughts

with a barely discernible graffitied penis in the background of a kid's cartoon.

I'm not sure that is how you implant subliminal.

Have you ever watched kids' advertising?

That does not exactly scream subliminal, does it?

It generally screams one or more of, mmm, these sweet states better than cabbage, hashtag hooney's teeth.

Or, you are nothing more than a functional, functioning unit in a consumer economy.

Or they scream, buy this doll, and for f's sake, accept the historic role of women in a patriarchal society.

So I'm not sure they generally go for the subliminal, delicate background.

We will have more on this in a future bugle because I think this is a story that needs our urgent attention and we've overrun this week.

So we will return to this in a couple of weeks' time.

There is no new bugle next week, but there will be a spectacular show that Chris is

currently compiling.

What's the definition of spectacular?

Spectacle.

You are the definition of spectacular.

Then yes, it will be.

F you, Chris.

F you, Tiff.

Thank you, Tiff and Hari.

Thanks very much for coming back on.

Have you got any shows coming up?

In Australia, there are people that listen to the story.

There are stickers in Australia, yeah.

Yes, I'm going to be in Sydney at the comedy store doing my Absolute doing a greatest hit show there, so like the 14th of October, I think it is.

So, and I'm around Tasmania and Australia, and then back here for a run of bombshell if we're still here.

Yes, well, that's a big if these days.

Uh, Hari, any any any shows to plug?

Yes, I'm going to be in London October 10th and 11th at the Soho Theatre.

So if you want to see your fifth favourite Bugle co-host, you can.

That's the title of your show, isn't it?

Yes, yes, that is.

Else, I'll be in Toronto September 26th and 27th.

And all my dates are hurrykundabolu.com or just Google me because that's the only way you can spell that.

So there's ways to find me on the internet.

Some of those places you mentioned, I will also be appearing at soon.

I will be at the Soho Theatre from the 18th of December with another review of the year show, Andy's Oltman's certifiable history.

And I do now have my US tour dates largely confirmed.

Andy in the USA.

Can I do a jingle for this?

Andy in the USA.

It appears you have just done a jingle for it.

Where will he be?

As soon as he finds it, he'll tell you.

Enough now.

So

I will be in the USA on the 15th of October in San Francisco, the 17th in Phoenix, the 19th and 20th in Los Angeles, the 21st in Portland, the 24th and 25th in Toronto, which I know is technically not in the USA, but you know, it's in the same global ballpark on a continental level.

So that's my little Canada trip for this year.

On the 30th of October in Chicago, the 31st in New York, 1st of November in Boston, 5th of November in Philadelphia, the 7th of November in Nashville.

That not 100% confirmed yet, but I'm pretty confident it's going to go ahead.

And finishing up on the 8th of November in Washington, D.C.

So please come to all of those shows.

We have left this slightly late again, buglers, so I really need you to come through on this one.

For f ⁇ 's sake, come to those shows.

All the details are on the internet.

That's it.

That was not the most convincing plug for a show that I really do need to plug quite a bit.

So we'll come back.

That'll be part of next week's show with the official Andy's Ultimate in the USA 2017 tour advert.

That is what you've got to look forward to next week, plus whatever Chris is plotting.

I've had various cryptic emails and I'm now slightly scared.

That's it for this week's Bugle.

Thank you very much for listening, Tiffan Horry.

Thanks once again for joining us.

Until next week, Buglers, goodbye.

So you're a rhino scientist, right?

If you like.

Yep, yep, that'll do.

Can you clear things up?

What things?

Doesn't matter.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.