TCB Classic: Pulling Your V-Card

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Deck the halls with boughs of pollen.

Tis the season to be jolly.

Don't we now are gay apparels

to join the ancient Yuleta Terol

on this this episode of the Commercial Break.

When I listened to that intro, it reminds me that the holidays are actually right around the corner.

Another spin around the sun, another 312 episodes of the commercial break, another year of explaining to the children why Santa Claus is indeed a cheap bastard.

I'm sorry, daughter of mine, it's not my fault, it's Santa Claus.

He couldn't afford Laboo Boos this year.

Anywho, as we limp to the finish line, where Chrissy will hopefully return to her rightful place in the chair next to me, I have no choice but to run one more TCB classic for you.

But this one you will enjoy because I will not.

You will laugh at my expense.

It's almost guaranteed.

You will remember a few years ago I had my 13th and very last child because I went and got my V-card pulled.

Snip, snip, snap, snap.

While there may be motion in the ocean, there is no powder in the keg.

Small ones cover your ears on this episode because, like any good mediocre comedy podcaster, even the most intimate of moments become content.

And while it's not my favorite memory, many people have said this was a laugh out loud moment.

Enjoy the retelling of my emasculating procedure from December of 2023.

And I will be back tomorrow where Tina will graciously help us round out the week.

Bye.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

Oh, yeah, Captain Kids.

Welcome back to the Commercial Break.

I'm Brian Green, and this is the director of Dancing and Prancing, Kristen Joy of Le Best of you, Chris.

Chrissy Brian.

Best of you out there in the podcast universe.

Thanks for coming back.

Thanks for joining us.

Appreciate it.

Well, it's Christmas.

Time, season.

How are you feeling?

Tell me about

what is on your gift list this year so I can know what I want to get you, but probably won't be able to afford.

Even if that list includes MNF.

I'm not sure friendship.

Aw, Chrissy, you know all the right words.

But I do not want only your friendship.

Oh, what would you like?

I don't know, $20,000 check, something like that.

Oh, okay.

Maybe you could call the podcast overlords and tell them to deliver us a $20,000 check here at the commercial break.

But, you know,

okay, barring any of that, what do you want for Christmas?

I honestly...

You're at a loss?

You have everything that you need?

I am at a loss.

You know, I know.

As we get to be adults, it's harder and harder to buy for those that you love that are also growing in age, which is everybody, by the way.

Everyone's growing in age at all times.

It's just a scientific fact.

I looked it up.

I Googled it.

Yeah.

I mean, I find it really difficult sometimes to buy for certain people because I don't know what they have that they could not want.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

It's like they have everything that they need.

A gift card is a ridiculous gift, but one that often is given in lieu of any good idea.

Right.

And then I'm just at a loss.

So we decided we were going to do like

a happy slappy Santa kind of thing.

Everybody gets a name, pulls out of a hat or some website.

That's fun.

They have a website now you can go to.

You input the names and then you give the email addresses and then that website is in charge of telling everybody who they are getting for Secret Santa or happy slappy Santa or whatever you want to call it.

That's convenient.

It is convenient and that way there's no one key holder of the information because there's always that one asshole who knows what everybody's going to get.

You know what I'm saying?

Who's getting for who?

And so to take that pressure off anybody in particular, we just use this website.

But we're going to do Happy Slappy Santa in this sense.

We are going to give away or buy for one particular person, but it has to be a ridiculous gift.

It has to be one of those gag gifts.

Those are fun.

Totally agree.

Yeah, I like those gag gifts.

And I've been doing this for years without pumping, and my fucking family hates me for it.

This is their chance to get me back.

I have a feeling that no matter who they give, who they got in that little website thing,

they're still going to get for me one year i put a dirty ashtray some range balls like golf balls some range balls a t-shirt that i had been wearing since i was 13 years old that had seen its better days and smelled like it had seen its better days and then what else did i put in there uh i don't know like a decapitated gi joe or something like that head and i gave it to my brother and i just thought it was the funniest thing in the world and they did not think it was funny they thought it was a way for me to get out of the them out of me spending money on that gift.

Which, in a way, it probably was.

Oh, yeah.

You know, when you don't have money, you get creative.

Yes.

And I thought a dirty ashtray that had, by the time I got over its Christmas Eve festivities, had spilled all over the inside of the gift.

You know, it just, maybe it didn't hit right.

Yeah, it did.

It didn't hit right.

This one hits different.

You know what I'm saying?

I think I got that for Patrick, and I'm sure that he's going to get me back.

I know it's coming.

I know it's coming.

I'm going to get like a used condom.

I hope not.

I hope not also.

But, you know, when you get to be, when you have children too, you can forget about anybody caring about what they're going to get you.

It all becomes about the children.

Exactly.

I love buying for my little nephews.

Listen, I'm with you.

There's nothing like the joy of watching children open up gifts under any circumstances.

Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is you celebrate, right?

There's nothing quite like the joy until you realize that that thing requires batteries, has multiple pieces that some children can't put in their mouth, and it makes noises.

Noise, the noise thing, I learned early on to not give those gifts.

God bless you, Chrissy.

I would be at the house with them, and

after a few hours of those noises, like the fire truck, you know, or the whatever games, things that make the noises, I was about to lose it.

So I was like, I'm never going to do this.

Swear to God.

Swear to God.

Every gift they get, this is.

is

stop.

Please stop it.

Stop the madness.

Stop giving my children stuff that makes noises or things that are going to certainly kill them.

And you don't realize it because you're not a parent.

You know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

One time, God bless him.

I love him to death.

He's my favorite, one of my favorite human beings on earth.

But Gustavo bought the kids this ever-loving motherfucking

tunnels the tunnels the collapsible tunnels right you know what i'm talking about and then you attach

yeah you saw them because my kids decide every three or four days that that's what they have to play with but you take days to set it up yeah and they play with it for one minute uh-huh

but the worst part about this is it came with these little tiny plastic balls the kind you would find in like a ball pit you know what i'm saying So it came with these, god damn, balls.

I mean, balls, balls, balls.

Everywhere, balls.

Speaking of of balls, we'll get to that in a minute, but balls everywhere.

There are balls everywhere around this house.

Oh, yeah, under the couch, behind the plant,

wherever.

I find them in the dishwasher.

I find them stuck in the dog's ass.

I mean, I find these balls fucking everywhere.

I really do find them everywhere.

And so anytime they ask us, it's like.

We tried to put them away in a corner one time, like in a closet.

And my son found it in lickety split seconds.

He had like a ball detector on him.

He was like, where are those balls?

Let me go sniff those things out.

And he found them.

And then they cry and they whine and they want the balls and set up the fort and do the whole thing.

And then they don't even play with them.

We have more toys than we know what to do with.

So we're trying to teach him a lesson this year.

This is what we said to him.

I said, Hey, kids, listen, there are so many children on this earth who never get to play with any of these kinds of toys for whatever circumstances.

And of course, my kids are in that why stage.

So they're like, why?

And I'm like, well, some parents can't afford to buy their children toys, you know, and it's really important that if we have more than we actually need,

let's go ahead and let's give some of these.

Yeah, share the wealth.

It's like, guys, you have 6,000 Emin Fin mother freaking toys in this one room.

You play with none of them because you find that a screwdriver or an empty electrical socket is the best thing to play with.

That's right.

Or a stick.

We just had a whole meltdown about a stick that is certainly going to poke someone's eye out, right?

But, but hold on.

So I just, this one child says, I want that stick.

I need this stick.

I get this thing.

So I lift her up.

I said, hey, look, all these toys are here.

Look, you get so many toys.

They're sticks.

They're just not of the same shape and size and, you know, pokiness as the other one.

Can't you just play with one of these?

I want this stick.

I need the stick.

Why do you need this stick?

It's frozen.

What does it have to do with frozen?

it make the ice with it no you don't make the ice with it there's no real ice she was using it as a wand as a wand to make frozen well you got 50 fucking thousand frozen toys go play with the frozen it's not like this dick the stick makes ice it doesn't make ice

it makes bloody eyeballs is what it makes it makes ambulances show up at the house is what it makes it makes uh my deductible go through the roof that's what it makes

Stop it.

Stop with the toys.

Can you please?

That's why I'm gathering the these children around.

Hey, kids, let's go ahead.

Let's give some of these toys away.

Let's do that.

You pick the toys.

Yeah.

You pick the toys.

But let's give a fair amount of toys to him.

So you know what I get?

I get all the shoes that don't fit, that we can't find the dolls to.

I get the broken glasses that go on the, you know, whatever, the Toy Story thing.

I get the hat from Woody.

I get some

pine needles from my fake tree.

I get those in the box.

And I'm like,

or I get somebody else's toys.

You know what I'm saying?

So one of my kids is bringing the toys of the other kid and putting it in the box.

The other kid's throwing a fit and she's like, these toys.

And I'm like, those are not your toys.

Those are somebody else's toys.

We do it for the kids.

They're for that kid, not for you.

You try and teach these kids lessons.

It's just like they don't get it.

And I don't understand.

I mean, they're five.

Don't they know?

Don't they understand?

That's like my one wish is that at least once a day for 15 minutes, we could have like a

moment of clarity.

Like if I had one, if I had a genie and I could rub a

lamp, rub its belly, I got blue, I could rub her belly, and she's still bark at me.

Um,

I wish I could have like rub the lamp, have this genie come down, and the genie says, Okay, what are your three wishes?

And I would say, Number one, can this stupid podcast make some money?

Number two,

number two,

I want an extra two hours of sleep each day.

But number three, what I would really like is 15 minutes in which that 15 minute period of time, each day, my children were kids with the mind of a 45-year-old.

Do you know what I'm saying?

So I could reason with them, so I could logic with them, whether we could hash it out in a way that I know how to communicate.

And I mean, some people might argue, I don't know how to communicate, but.

That's a different story for a marriage therapist.

Now, listen, I just want my children to be able to understand the words that I'm telling them in the way they're intended to say.

Because you say you're taking toys away.

And it is like literally like

a punishment.

Yes, it's like a cold, like they have to go for a colonoscopy.

And it's like, guys,

you're five and six and four and one and zero.

And how many of our kids I have?

Don't you guys want to do something good for other children?

And literally, this is the response that I get.

I do not want to do anything good for other children.

Fuck you, pee-pee-poo-poo.

I knew from the second that I met that ugly mug of yours, you're going to be taking things away from me.

Now, dad, listen, this is how it's going to go.

You're going to give me an American Express.

I'm going to go to Target, and I'm going to have three hours to get whatever I want.

No, no, you're not.

I want to.

Okay, you can go for 15 minutes.

Three hours.

20 minutes.

Three hours.

Half an hour.

Three hours.

Or I will shit myself in that Target and I will literally sit there and scream and yell.

And my daddy doesn't change my diaper.

Okay, three hours, but you can only spend $3,000.

I'll spend what I want.

Thank you very much.

Beep beep, poop-boop.

Just remember, peep-bee-poop-boo.

Baby Dante's a little shit.

That's what he is.

I just want that 15-minute.

I just want to be able to communicate with my kids like a regular adult does.

You know what I'm saying, Chrissy?

I do.

I do.

But you've got adult children, so you know.

I do.

I'm very much advised.

Can you reason with them?

Can you reason with those kids?

Yes.

Okay, that's good.

The reasoning comes.

So there is hope in the the future that I'm keeping up with a reason with my children.

For sure.

If you could have anything for Christmas, like anything, I'm talking like just knock it out of the park.

What would you want?

You know what I want?

A private island.

That's what I want.

I want a private island.

Tina and I were talking about something.

You would have a driver?

Oh, yeah, I know you would have a driver.

What happened to you?

That's right.

What happened to you?

That's why I

texted you.

I know.

But I didn't get the whole story because we haven't talked in person.

What happened?

Ah, well, Atlanta traffic, it's just nuts.

It's nuts, it's crazy, it's insane.

It's nuts.

I mean, people are so angry and aggressive and stuff like that.

Yes, yes, cut and left here, there, everywhere.

There's five bricks I see on the way.

I know it takes me 30 minutes to get here.

No problem, breeze right on up.

Yeah, the way home, it's a whole different story

because you know, traffic starts at like two.

Yeah, it doesn't stop.

What do you mean it starts?

It doesn't, it started in 1989 and it hasn't stopped.

Yeah.

So anyways, Waze always kind of takes me on a different way.

Sure.

So I'm like, okay.

And then, you know, it tells me to take one way.

And I'm, there's, you know, in Atlanta on this certain stretch of the connector, as they call it here, there's how many lanes would you say?

Oh, it's 10?

No, there's 12 on each side.

It's like a 24 lane.

12 lanes.

So the Waze is telling me to go one way.

And I'm in that left lane.

I'm all the way ever because I know this.

I know where it goes and how it works.

And I'm going to go around the traffic that's going on that side and blah blah blah blah last minute it like all of a sudden says never mind get off and I'm and it's all the way on the right oh lord like I can't cross all of this well you can lots of people do they're also known as assholes like nope I'm just gonna stay on the track that I was on well good for me except then it's taking me down and there were these buses like these uh college buses oh like the Georgia State buses

and it took was winding me kind of around through this part of town that has these buses lined up well one was kind of jutting out to the side and you know kind of at a weird little angle so I went around it and then all of a sudden as I'm going around it it's like starts up and then kind of like all of a sudden I hear boom oh you're kidding me he just pulled out right in front of you or right inside of you yeah so like oh my god oh no

So yeah,

everything was okay.

I couldn't stop at that point.

It was, there was too much traffic around me.

Yeah, now you're stressed out.

You got to go.

Yeah, and I was stressed out, like, what is this looking like when I get home, whatever.

And there was a little scratch there, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

But this is why I would have the driver.

Oh, my God, Chrissy.

Holy shit.

So he just pulled out right in front of you.

Yeah.

And you just kept going.

Side me.

You just kept going.

Yeah.

Well, because there were all these lanes of traffic that were still covering.

Well, I hear you.

And if it wasn't your fault, then, you know, who really fucking cares?

You deal with it, right?

I mean, listen, I also did this one one time driving, first meeting.

Well, I mean, excuse me, first meeting with the first meeting with this company that I used to work for.

I got into a horrible car wreck with him.

We spun around.

We hit another car.

A truck hit us.

It was a terrible, terrible car wreck where luckily no one was seriously injured, but should have been, could have been.

And then that was the time the guy told me to hide the gun.

Remember?

I was with my boss.

We went to a meeting.

We're on our way back from the meeting.

And the guy is driving like a total fucking moron because that's how he drives.

I was literally scared shitless to drive with this guy.

He also did this whole number where he pulled over 12 lanes.

He's like, oh, I'm missing the exit.

You know, he just, he just went for it and he hit a truck and then the truck came swinging back around, hit another car.

Then another truck hit us.

It was terrible.

We get out.

I'm in a fucking daze.

I'm like, oh my God, what just happened?

Am I alive?

Am I bloody?

What happened?

You know, airbags a whole nine yards.

The guy gets out of the car.

He's like, hey, I need you to do me a favor.

No, how are you doing?

Everything okay?

And I'm like, what?

And he's like, there's a gun in the console.

Put it in your bag.

Put it in your computer bag.

And I'm like, I'm not going to put your fucking gun in my computer bag.

Are you insane?

Are you insane?

I've been working for this company for one week.

Do you think I'm going to go to jail with a gun for you?

And he's like, I can't be caught with this gun.

I'm like, well, that makes me more concerned.

Why can't you be caught with this gun?

Okay, you got a gun.

Tell the guy you got a gun.

I don't know.

Do they usually check cars when they get into accidents?

No, not unless you've been drinking or driving.

Like, they're not going to go through your car.

Just leave it there.

Tell them somebody else did.

Tell them when you got hit by the truck,

the drilling truck driver threw it in there.

Closed the door.

So there were two bosses in this company.

And the second boss, the very first meeting that I went to, I'm driving my soon-to-be wife's car.

And it's an Audi.

It's like an Audi ASIC.

It's a nice car, you know, and I took it so I can impress the boss.

So I went to drive to this shit at me.

Of course, he was driving a bicycle.

I didn't even have a driver's driver's license, but little did he know, neither did I.

I also did not have a driver's license.

That's a different story for a different day, but they had taken it away from me.

Did you have a valid driver's license?

No, they decided I couldn't drive for probably good reasons.

But anyway, so we're getting off an exit.

And as we get off the exit, I realize I'm not in the right exit.

So I have not even pulled all the way into the exit lane yet.

I'm like straddling the lane.

Yeah.

When I realize I got to swerve back a little bit to the left because I got to go one exit down.

And when I swerve back, the

18-wheeler with one of those studs on his

tire, you know what I'm talking about?

Like where the lug nuts go, but some of the trucks, they put these studs on there.

And I think they do it to just kill people.

I'm not even really sure why they do it, but this thing tore

all the way down the driver's side.

And you could literally see outside.

Oh, my God.

You could see outside.

He tore a hole in the door so deep that

you could see daylight coming through.

It was the craziest noise I've ever heard, scariest thing.

And I felt like as he was tearing through the car, I kind of got stuck against him, right?

So there's nothing I could do.

But then eventually I disconnected from him and I managed to swerve off the exit because I was like, oh, shit, we got to stop.

Well, that truck kept on plowing.

He did not even hit the brakes.

He was just like, I'm going.

See you later.

He must have felt it.

He must have felt it.

But he just kept on going.

And I was like, well, I guess I'll keep on going too.

And considering I don't have a driver's license, it's probably a wise idea to just keep going.

It's all daylight streaming through your door.

No.

And my former mother-in-law, she was so sweet.

She's like, well, it's just a car.

And I'm like, it's an Audi A6.

Like, let's be real about it.

It's not just a car.

It's a really expensive car.

Well, that's why we have insurance.

Unfortunately, you're not insured because I'm also not a

licensed driver.

Well, Brian, you've just managed to make this whole situation miserable.

I was just going to say, it's okay, hon.

I was like, okay, let's do that.

Yeah, let's go back to that.

Yeah, so we went back to that and everything's good.

When in doubt, hide your feelings.

That's all I got to say, kids.

It's the any therapist will tell you.

When in doubt, shut your mouth.

Yeah, when in doubt, shove them down.

Hey, let's take a quick break and then I'll get back to talking about more balls.

I'd love to tell you about my balls just as soon as we get back from this break.

Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB.

It's pretty simple.

Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute.

Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command.

Do you want to help Astrid too?

You know you do.

Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-433-3TCB.

That's 212-433-3822.

You can be on the show too.

Mm-hmm.

Just call and say something.

Anything.

Or text us and we'll text you right back.

Promise.

Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker.

It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide.

You get the point.

Follow us on Instagram at thecommercial break and watch all the episodes on video at youtube.com slash thecommercial break.

Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.

This episode is brought to you by CBS.

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Starring Harriet Dyer and Tim Meadows, DMV is here to serve you laughs.

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What's up, guys?

It's Candace Dillard Bassett, former Real Housewife of Potomac.

And I'm Michael Arseno, author of the New York Times bestseller, I Can't Date Jesus.

And this is Undomesticated.

The podcast where we aren't just saying the quiet parts out loud, we're putting it all on the kitchen table and inviting you to to the function.

If you're ready for some bold takes and a little bit of chaos, welcome to Undomesticated.

Follow and listen to Undomesticated, available wherever you get your podcasts.

Once upon a mundane morning, Barb's D got busy without warning.

A realtor in need of an open house sign.

No, 50 of them.

And designed before nine.

My head hurts.

Any mighty tools to help with this pipe?

Aha!

Barb made her move.

She opened Kenla and got in the groove.

Both Both creating Canva sheets.

Create 50 signs fit for suburban streets.

Done in a click, all complete.

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Now, imagine what your dreams can become when you put imagination to work at canva.com.

Hey, I wanted to mention, did you hear about this baseball player, this Japanese baseball player, who got offered $700 million?

I was like, what?

I thought baseball was in a bit of a slump.

Like, people weren't watching it anymore.

I love baseball, by the way, and especially love it when it comes to the boys of fault.

Like, I love watching postseason baseball.

And living in Atlanta, you get a lot of postseason baseball here, right?

So it's exciting almost every year.

But $700 million.

Does one man really bring that much revenue to the front door?

I guess.

It must make some kind of ROI, right?

Somehow they've learned

$7 million

a year.

I mean, this guy, good for this guy.

Good for him.

Who knew you could just make that much money for throwing balls and strikes?

You know what I'm saying?

Is he a pitcher?

I don't know if he's a pitcher.

Is he a pitcher?

I don't think he is.

I don't think he's a pitcher.

No, it's a lot of money.

It's like the highest thing, right?

It's the highest.

Shohei.

Otani signed with the Dodgers on Saturday for the biggest total contract in sports history with 20 million to 30 million in deferred money every season.

Here's a look at how it stacks up against other big money deals.

Shohai got 10 years, $700 million.

Messi, last time he signed, got $674 million for four years.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo, got $536 million for two and a half years.

What in the good fuck?

Yeah, I mean, that's just so much money.

You don't even know what to do with it.

You have no idea, Chrissy.

We have no idea.

We'll never know this kind of money, will we?

No, no.

I think we'd have to be on episode like $1,644 to even get in the million dollar range, let alone the $700 million range.

Or Christiana, Christiano Ronaldo is making right at about

$180 million a year, $200 million a year.

Chrissy, that is insane money.

Run around a field, kick a ball.

Yeah.

God damn, I picked the wrong folks.

I know.

I picked the wrong body to show up in.

You know what I'm saying?

I show up in this like weak,

Irish, sickly body, just craggling along.

Cristiano Ronaldo is my same age, making $200 million a year, kicking some ball down the field.

God damn it.

What are you thinking, Brian?

Next time you come back, come back as one of those sports guys, you know, Tiger Woods type or whatever.

Tiger Woods clearly has made more money, I think, than Christian.

I don't know.

Who fucking knows?

They all make a billion dollars.

And all we're asking is to support the commercial commercial break with a small donation to our GoFundMe page.

And, you know, I'd take one-tenth of that salary, one-tenth of that salary, send it our way.

And we could be making episodes till we die.

Yeah.

If someone would just give me $5.36 million.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, we'll keep cranking them out.

Hey, listen.

Are you hearing me?

Podcast universe?

I'm willing to work for you, like the little bitch I am for just a small amount of money.

Speaking of little bitch, I guess we're not having any more little bitches because I did it.

I went and got the big V.

My V day, my V day was last week, and I went and got those little

tubes tied, my twigs and berries.

They're still in contact.

Meaning, they're still relatively close to each other.

But I got to tell you,

I didn't know what to expect.

I know Jeff had had this, and Jeff's very sweet, by the way.

He's like the guy who contacted me the most.

I know.

Well, I told him about it, and he in then

he was like, I'll be the lifeline.

I'll be his.

He did really honestly.

His brother in arms.

It was really, really strong.

Brother in balls.

The brother in nuts.

Our DD canters are forever tied together.

Yeah, so I went out of vasectomy, and it's been long planned, and I put it off a couple of times, but I finally got around to it.

And I'll tell you what, I don't know what I expected to expect, but I think the whole process was a little surreal and very strange.

So

the guy tells me when I first go in to see him, I go in to see him for some, for a checkup, right?

A prostate checkup, because, you know, I'm a guy of a certain age and you got to check those things out.

And I have a history of prostate cancer in my family.

So I go in and I see him.

And then as just like a throwaway line, you know, just kind of make friends with the guy.

By the way, the guy, not that this matters, but it'll become funny later.

It doesn't matter to me that he's gay, but he's gay, right?

Okay,

he's got a partner.

He told me this while we were having a conversation, while he was holding my balls.

So

while he's holding my balls, as just kind of like a throwaway line to make small talk, you know, while someone's checking out your nest.

A little nervous chatter.

Yeah, a little nervous chatter, cold hands, the whole nine yards.

And by the way, I got my doctor goes and he raw dogs it.

No, no plastic gloves.

He washes up and then he just goes for it.

And he says, I, you know, I feel better with my, without the gloves.

And I said, hey, listen, you know.

You're the professional.

I trust you.

You do you.

You do you.

At least you wash your hands.

Most people have touched my balls, did not wash their hands beforehand.

So I do appreciate that.

So I say, hey, what about a vasectomy, doc?

And he says, oh, you want to get a vasectomy?

I've been done a couple thousand of those, you know, my career here.

I know how to do that.

We can do that.

15-minute procedure.

I said, 15 minutes.

He goes, 15-minute procedure.

He goes, the procedure is 15 minutes.

You might be there for an hour.

He says, listen, I do this thing.

I give you something called Pronox.

It's something some people have, some people don't, but I give you Pronox.

He's ever had laughing gas at the doctor, at the dentist?

Oh, yeah.

I don't go to the dentist unless I get laughing gas.

It's the way they get me in the front door.

They say, hey, you want to get high for a couple hours?

Sure, no problem.

I'll go.

So I said, oh, really?

And he goes, yeah, but the difference is at the dentist, you get that little nose thing.

Well, the gas is leaking out all over the place.

You don't really get deep breaths.

You know, sometimes your nose is stuffy.

Like, he goes, it's not, and they only turn it on a certain amount.

He's like, they don't give you the good stuff.

They just got to give you some stuff to relax you.

Right.

Right.

He's like, here.

The Pronox is a revolutionary way of doing nitrous oxide.

Well, I don't think anything's revolutionary about nitrous oxide.

Hippies have been doing it since the 60s.

I mean, I don't think there's anything really revolutionary.

But what he says is that I get to hold this tube that I put in my mouth and I suck as I feel it necessary.

Oh, okay.

It's got a little bite on it so you can bite down.

And I guess basically the thought is if you should lose consciousness during the procedure, the thing will fall out of your mouth, right?

Yeah.

So you won't be in any kind of danger.

Because I do know when I've been to the dentist, I've said, hey, hey, I don't think this is working because I don't feel like it.

Maybe it's just my constitution from years of narcotic abuse, but I'm like, I'm not really feeling it.

And my dent, yeah, exactly.

And my dentist always says, she says, listen, if I turn it up, and I'm happy to if you want me to, you're paying the bill.

If I turn it up, I have to have someone stand here with you because I guess that, you know, I guess you can get too much nitrous oxide.

Like that one time my friend did Freon and landed in a TV, but which is like nitrous oxide just deprives your brain of oxygen, essentially.

So I say, oh, okay, great.

You know, he goes, listen, it's great.

You control it.

And that way we don't have to worry and all this other stuff.

I said, okay, sign me up for the pronoun.

Let's do it.

Whatever, 100 bucks.

100 bucks.

I said, that's like two years of commercial break episodes, but I'm going to go for it.

Splurge.

So Big Day shows up and he says, oh, and the good news is you can drive.

Like, I don't have to give you any kind of like, you know, Xanax or anything like that to settle you down.

I just have this Pronox.

I said, okay, great.

So day arrives.

I show up at the little surgical center.

I'm there.

And as I'm walking down this like really long, nondescript hallway, there is a lady, an older lady, pushing a man, an even older man, in a a wheelchair.

Chrissy, I'm guessing 90.

That's my guess, 90.

And she's pushing him in a wheelchair, but she's like looking around and swerving him all around.

I'm walking down this hallway, and I say, Oh, are you looking for the urologist?

And she says, Yeah, I don't, I can't see that

on the door or whatever.

And I said, Oh, yeah, I'm looking for the same thing.

Let me say, if I find it, I'll let you know.

So I turn a couple corners and I find it.

And so I run back to the hallway.

I said, Hey, right down here, you know, and then I go and I help give this guy a push into the office.

And of course, you know, last good deed before, last good deed is I'm sealing up my sealing up my penis from additional pain and suffering of children,

which is not my pain and suffering, by the way.

It's astronomers.

I just have to deal with giving the toys away.

So I push him in there.

I roll him in there, 90, 90, right?

He is in bad shape.

I mean, his hair is all over the place.

He looks like a 90-year-old man is what he looks like.

A typical 90-year-old man in a wheelchair, slippers, pajama pants.

You know what I'm saying?

The whole night goes.

So she goes in, she's checking this guy.

And then, you know, he's a small waiting room, and we all sit down and we're writing down the papers.

And she says, do you think I have enough time to go park the car?

And she says this to the old man.

He's like, ah,

I got to go park the car.

Huh?

I got to go park the car.

All right.

And then she says to the lady, do I have enough time to go park the car?

And the lady goes, yeah, he's getting a vasectomy.

So you really don't need to be here in this office.

Like, you can go and we'll push him back and all that other stuff.

And I'm thinking to myself,

this motherfucker's getting a vasectomy.

For what fucking reason would this 90-year-old need a vasectomy?

He can't even put his slippers all the way on.

He's going to be fucking some people and making babies.

What is the point?

Well, was it a Charlie Chaplin?

Charlie Chappard.

Way late.

No, but you know.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I just thought to myself, this poor bastard, he's 90 and someone's telling him he needs a vasectomy.

He's either had a life that you cannot forget, like that kind of life you want to sit down and talk to him about, which I'm not sure he could communicate to you, or he's causing problems at the retirement home.

he's running around chasing the nurses you know what i'm saying

so i'm like well i guess i'm in good hands here we got uh got a bunch of there's a couple other guys too that are like my age and i can only imagine they're there we're at the surgical center right but not the surgery not like a surgery room a surgical center sure so this is you're not getting your prostate taken out here you're you're getting your balls clipped

so I they call my name.

I go back there.

And, you know, it's all female nurses that are running around here.

And the lady comes in.

She says, hey, whatever.

Did you do your exfoliation?

Oh, Chrissy, I gotta tell you, all there's a whole process.

I did all the prep work.

Yes, I did.

I had done prep work a couple times now because I pushed it off a couple times.

So my balls were already pretty clear.

They're in good shape.

They were in good shape, but I did need to do a freshen-up on the razor, you know.

So I take the same razor that I use for my face.

Now I'm using it for my balls.

You know, it all makes much sense to me.

I'm like, I thought to myself, I should probably change the razor and I just shaved my balls with it.

But I shaved my balls, which is a very precarious task, I might add.

You'd have to do it carefully.

Yeah, your balls, it's like shaving saran wrap.

Imagine you're shaving saran swrap, saran swrap, saran wrap.

Hi, I'm Brian Green.

So she comes in, she takes my blood pressure, she says, okay, now I'm going to listen closely because I'm going to give you instructions.

Before you get the Prodox, I'm going to give you instructions.

You can't get up on a bed, try to stay in bed for at least two.

If you can do three, do three days.

You can't lift anything over 10 pounds, which there's nothing in this house that doesn't weigh at least 10 pounds.

And I'm like, okay.

She's like, you can't lift over 10 pounds.

If you can, keep that for seven to 10 days.

She goes, you're going to have some discomfort afterwards.

That's why we gave you some medicine.

They gave, you know, they dole out the pain medicine now.

Like it's, I don't know, like it's the last chocolate on earth.

They're like, here's one tablet.

Good luck, sir.

And, you know, ice is your best friend.

Ice on and off, ice on and off.

Every 20 minutes on, every 20 minutes off, do that as often as you can because that will really help the discomfort and the swelling and i'm like the swelling you're gonna i'm gonna have swelling and she's like yeah it's possible you're gonna have swelling he's gonna go in there he's gonna cut around like there's some there's gonna be some swelling okay fine no problem she takes my blood pressure it's through the roof of course i'm sitting there with my huge starbucks cup of coffee my my baba i'm sitting there with my baba

baba pee pee poop poop

um i cannot go anywhere without a glass of water or that fucking goddamn i take water everywhere too I do too.

And I just look behind me and I left my water outside.

So I know.

Doesn't that suck?

Doesn't that suck when we're in the middle of an episode and you're thirsty and you're like, fuck, I can't do this.

I don't want to stop the whole episode.

That's just a big pain in the ass.

So

I'm drinking this coffee.

She's like, wow, your blood pressure is pretty, it's not like super high, but it's elevated.

So let me go talk to the doctor.

And I'm like, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to do this a second time.

Please just do this.

Just do it.

Yeah.

Just get this.

Just get this over with.

Like, I have this coffee.

I'm a little bit nervous.

I'm getting my balls balls chopped.

I don't know what to expect.

And she says, okay, well, let's take it.

I'm going to give you five minutes.

Let's take it a second time.

Second, a second time.

It's a little bit lower.

Okay.

So they bring me into this room.

She brings me into the room and she says, okay, Mr.

Green, it's like a little surgical room, right?

And there's a table.

But Chrissy, that table is the size of this table.

It's not a full bed.

It's a half table.

It's a table for either small people or small children.

It's not a table for adults.

If I lay with my head at the end of it, my ass is hanging off the bottom of it.

You know what I'm saying?

So she's like, like, She's like, okay, I need you to disrobe everything from the waist down.

If you want to leave your socks on, leave your socks on.

Of course, I'm leaving my socks on.

Who the what kind of animal do you think I am?

I'm going to walk around a surgery center with my bare feet?

Come on, man.

First of all, second of all, I couldn't be in a more compromising position.

Who the fuck cares if I'm wearing socks?

I don't care if you're so sad.

That's right.

I'm on my feet to be on my toes easy to be warm.

So I get everything off, and I'm in my t-shirt and these things.

And they give you this paper, thin piece of paper to put over you, right?

Oh, yeah.

It's the doctor paper.

Yeah.

So I put it over me and I'm just like uncomfortably trying to sit on this thing, trying to relax a little bit, but I can't.

And I'm in one of those, I'm in one of those like weird, quizzical,

what is the right thing to do here?

I really want to use my phone because I know it's going to be 15 to 20 minutes before we actually get started.

I really want to use my phone.

My phone's all the way over there.

Yeah, and you've already got yourself on the table.

Yeah, I've got myself

strangely situated on the table.

So my balls are just hanging off the end of the table.

I thought maybe that's how he was going to go in.

I'd have to spread my legs and he'd just dangle my balls over the edge.

Yeah, like, you know, it's a mistletoe or something.

I don't know.

He's just going to hang the mistletoe over the threshold and just get to it.

So I'm like, okay, all right.

Well, you know.

But what I was really concerned about is what if the nurse comes in and here I am, Jimmy Jamming all around the surgery room

just

with socks and the t-shirt on yeah your phone

what if I'm like bending over to get my phone on the chair and she comes in and then she sees my balls from the back is that the way they go in do I have to lay over the table I'm wondering I don't know I don't see any stirrup so I took that as a good sign that I didn't have to put my legs through anything

that is curious though it is curious yes I don't know why I still got no answers to this but eventually they pulled out a little thing so I could

stick my extension.

Yeah, but it's short enough that the only thing you can do is stick your legs up on it like you're like you're on a like you're in stirrups.

Yeah.

So I'm like, okay, fuck the phone, Briany.

You know, for 15 minutes in your goddamn adult life, you can just stare at the ceiling, right?

And I can hear the gas going right next to me.

So I'm like, pretty soon they'll give me gas and I won't need the phone.

It's probably best that I don't have the phone, actually, now that they're going to give me nitrous.

So I'm sitting there, a little piece of paper over me, my twigs and berries, just, you know, just one thin piece of paper away from showing the world.

And of course, you know, I go into instant massage mode: like, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner.

Why I would get a boner, I don't know, but please don't let it happen here.

And so, just as I'm talking myself out of yet into a boner, the lady comes in.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm talking about it so much, it's happening.

Yeah,

just as I'm getting a little softy, I'm like, okay, all right.

I keep on adjusting in my seat, by the way,

I'm so uncomfortable.

This may be a short episode of the commercial break.

So

the first lady was just a lady.

She was just a lady, nondescript lady.

She came in.

She was taking my blood pressure.

She's very nice, sweet, obviously efficient at her job.

The second nurse who came in, well, of course, you know, you've got nurse Pamela Anderson walks in the door

saying, nurse Lipa, Dua, Lipa, Dr.

Lipa comes in.

And she's like, hello, I'm going to be your nurse today.

And I'm like, okay, great, fantastic.

And she's like, so what we're going to do first is let's go ahead and we're going to start the Pronox for you.

And

if you feel any discomfort at any time, you just take a deeper breath.

She's like, the more you breathe in very deeply out through your nose, the better you're going to feel.

Okay?

You got it?

And I'm like, okay.

I got it.

Yeah, I got it.

I've been to a few fish concerts.

I know how to do nitrogen.

I'm excited here.

Let's go.

Do you have a balloon I could use?

Yeah.

I'm going to get the second hand.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't want to waste any of it.

So she goes on.

She grabs a little thing.

She puts on a new thing.

She says, Hey, okay, you hold this to your mouth.

If you want to just bite on it, you can just keep it in like that.

She goes, But you know, kind of hold it.

And that way, if anything happens, it'll just drop out of your mouth.

Like, if you get a little bit too much nitrous oxide, it'll just drop out your mouth.

And I'm like, Can you tape it to my mouth?

Is that possible?

I know, right?

I just wanted it taped to my mouth.

So it's this tube.

And I,

she's like, she goes, give me five, ten good, deep, deep breaths.

And I'm like,

of course, I'm like, this ain't working.

This ain't fucking working this ain't working this ain't working this ain't working

i'm in a different zip code all of a sudden it's working i'm in a new zip code yeah chrissy did it hit it hit hard it hit hard man tunnel vision zazazuzu wah waweewee the whole nine yards i was Out.

I was gone.

I was in a different human.

I was a different human being.

I loved it.

I was so fucking high.

I mean, higher than I've ever been at any dentist's office, higher than I've ever been at any fish concert.

Like, I've got to get one of these.

They sell it right across the street.

The only thing I could think of when I was high was, I got to go across the street and get me one of these.

And then I thought it'd be a little weird if I was running out to the pool shed every 15 minutes, came back stumbling.

My kids might take notice.

Chrissy, this Pronox shit, I'm telling you what, it is the jam.

If you ever get a vasectomy, or if you're just looking to get high, get a vasectomy, ask for the Pronox.

You know what I'm saying?

So they give me this Pronox, and I I am sucking.

And all I keep telling myself while I'm sucking, even though I'm in this tunnel vision, black hole, K-hole, down in the, I'm down with the, I'm down in middle-earth right now.

Even though I'm down in middle-earth, the only thing my brain keeps saying is, keep on breathing deep.

Keep on breathing deep.

I'm not going to get higher.

Yeah.

So I'm breathing.

And then I don't understand what's going on because I'm really just concentrating on how fucked up I am.

Had the doctor come in?

The lady is still in the room.

This feels like 30 minutes.

It's been 30 seconds.

And she's like, Have you feeling it now?

And I'm like, Oh, yeah, I'm feeling it a little bit.

She's like, It looks like it.

Okay, I'm gonna get you prepped now.

And I was like, Okay,

what is that?

And off goes the little thing.

She just like rips it off.

She's like, like she's unveiling a new car on Christmas Day.

To the disappointment of everybody, it's a Mazda Miana from 1997.

She was looking for a Range Rover.

She got a Mazda Miya.

1987.

Yeah.

Or a Hondo Accord with no hood.

You know?

Probably wasn't.

So she just rips it off.

There's no one else in the room.

I thought that was like not a thing.

I thought you had to have other people in the room when you were like touching somebody's private parts.

I don't know.

I guess that's what.

I've never got a sex to me before.

Well, I've never gotten into a sex to me before either, but I've had people touch my nuts.

And I think it usually is like if you're someone of the opposite sex, there's some rule that she wasn't adhering to, but whatever.

When you're so, I know why she gave me the Pronox first.

She's like, fuck it.

I'm going to touch this guy's dick.

He's going to be high as fuck.

He ain't going to care.

Well, I probably wouldn't have cared in the first place, but let's be high as fuck anyway.

So she rips it off and then she starts fondling the twigs and berries.

You know what I'm saying?

I say fondle.

She wasn't fondling.

She's being very professional about it.

Lifting and checking.

She's like,

I got to clear out the tubes one more time.

Hope you don't mind.

Take a deep breath for me.

She She was being very professional about it, right?

To the point where she was like grabbing the head, the twig, with her fingertips, you know?

Okay.

Which that's how most women have grabbed my penis with the fingertips.

There's not much to it.

So she grabs it, she makes sure it's in the right place.

Then she tapes it to my stomach.

Oh, she tapes my twig.

Yeah, she flipped it up, taped it there.

And now I'm thinking to myself in Middle-earth in a different zip code: please don't get a boner.

Please don't get a boner.

Please don't get a boner.

I was like, oh no.

And

then, Chrissy,

I've never taken an ice bath.

I'm not one of those guys.

I hate cold showers.

I'm not one of those guys.

The only time I've been in really, really cold water is when I was jumping in after Nico when he blindly just ran into the pool when it was middle of January.

That's the only time I've had that sensation.

I know, I admire the people that like to to do those clothes.

I love that.

They always look really fit too.

And I'm like, maybe that's it.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Maybe that's it.

Or maybe you have to be fit in order to do that.

In which case, that's probably unlikely to happen.

And the truth is, I love watching those people take those ice baths from YouTube.

I do not want to do it myself.

I have no interest in being around cold water.

So, you know what happens next?

I'll tell you right after this break.

Sorry, I know I got to leave a little cliffhanger for you.

Okay, so let's take a short break and then I'll finish my story about how my twigs and berries got disconnected in just one moment.

I've got an idea.

Sometimes my ideas land me in jail, but who's keeping records?

Why don't you text us and we can text back?

And then you can text us in reply, then so on.

It's a fun little game I've been playing, and I think you'll be great at it.

212-433-3TCB.

That's 212-433-3822.

You could leave a message too.

If you do, maybe you'll end up being the voice of the show.

But be warned, the pay is not great.

You could go to the website and drop us an email also, tcbpodcast.com.

And while you're there, you can get a free sticker.

Who doesn't want a free sticker?

Just go to the contact us button and ask for one.

Follow us on Insta at thecommercial break and watch the episodes at youtube.com/slash thecommercial break.

Now I'm gonna go back to that texting game.

You wanna play?

Come on.

Bye.

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okay

so cold water cold liquid is not my thing i don't like it i don't want it anywhere near my body i've just not i'm just really you don't want to dip your balls in it no

so she says at one point okay i'm gonna to put some iodine on you.

Is that iodine that they put?

That red stuff?

Yeah, okay.

She says, I'm going to put some iodine on you.

I can't even understand what she's saying because I'm so wah wah in my head.

But she's like, I'm going to put some iodine on you.

This may feel cold.

May feel cold.

May feel cold.

I have never in my life felt something so cold as the washcloth full of iodine that she was rubbing all over the shaft of my penis.

It was so fucking cold.

And even as high as I was, it felt disturbing to me.

But then the next thing that she did surprised me even more.

She took the bottle of iodine and she poured it all over me, like all over my crotch, just dumped it on my crotch.

It went directly into my

nether hole.

You know what I'm saying?

Directly into my happy anus, which I just puckered right up.

I was like, oh, and she was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And the only thing that I could think is, I'm Brian Green from the commercial break.

This is a perfect time for a joke.

So I said, it's okay.

I just don't know how you look at a penis any other way after you get out of work.

And she says, How do you know it's penises that I like?

Ah, there you go.

And then she goes, It's just medical to me.

It's like an organ, you know, it's just another organ.

I see so many of them, so many shapes and sizes.

And I was like, How does mine add up?

And she goes, I'm not going to go there.

The doctor will be in in a minute.

I'm just like, ah,

I'm not doing an episode of the commercial break as I had suspected earlier in my

NO2 induced coma.

I must have been sitting in that room for 10, 15 minutes.

I mean, no one in there.

I am just breathing as heavily as I can.

I can pick it up.

Iodine, the iodine smell.

It's so cold.

It's in my asshole.

It's all over my legs.

It's everywhere.

I'm so uncomfortable.

But I managed to take enough deep breaths that I get out of that zone.

And now I'm just right back to my happy place.

I'm at a fish concert, Dibbity Dabs, Zingity Zingers, you know, Trey's going to come out and play something.

I don't know.

Goose.

You know the new band Goose?

Oh, yeah, Goose.

I feel like I'm at a Goose concert.

That's what I feel like.

So finally, I hear a knock at the door.

Mr.

Green?

And I'm like,

come in.

Yeah.

Who else would it be?

And by the way, you know I'm naked from the waist down.

Why are you knocking on the door?

With your penis.

Yeah, with my penis taped to my belly button.

Why?

I'm in the most uncomfortable position of my life.

I'm still confused on the short table for you.

I don't know, but when he came in, he pulled it out.

Yes, I'm just like, my ass is just like hanging over.

I got my legs down on this little holdy up-y thing.

All right.

And I'm high as a fucking kite.

Yeah.

The whole thing is just weird.

So he comes in and he's like, okay, you know, I'm really sorry.

I was running late.

I had a little thing to deal with.

And I'm like, I hope you're not like having a bad day.

You know what I'm saying?

A little thing to deal with.

Isn't that what you do for a living is deal with little things?

Here's a little thing you can can deal with.

But I'm thinking to myself, you take your time there, Doc.

Take your time.

I'm enjoying the ride over here.

Yeah.

And he says, okay, I'm going to dope you up with a little, it's kind of like Novocaine for the skin.

It's, you know, whatever, just lidocaine.

Yeah, lidocaine.

So he starts sticking a needle into my balls.

Wow.

Needle, needle, needle, needle.

Probably 12 times.

Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.

I don't care how much NO2 you're on.

When someone starts sticking a needle in your dick, you know about it.

You know what I'm saying?

I was well aware.

Yes, I had,

was definitely.

What's going on in my brain?

Someone's touching your penis in an uncomfortable way.

You may be high, but just be aware.

Things are may not be going well down there.

This is not the sensation we're used to.

So he starts sticking this needle in, and then he's like, okay, I'm going to give it about five minutes to warm up.

So just keep on breathing.

Remember, the deeper you breathe, everybody in this office is geared toward getting you as high as possible.

They're all saying the same thing.

And I'm, by the way, I'm all for it.

Yeah.

If you're going to pay $100 for the nitrous oxide and you want it to work, go ahead and suck that baby down as hard as you can.

Get it in.

Yeah.

I mean, I have a regulator on there.

You know, there's some kind of safety measure.

I think to myself as I'm sitting in this K-hole, I'm like, clearly, I'm not going to die.

But I feel so out of body, like I'm in some weird universe.

I'm sure.

He comes back.

He slices and dices.

You can feel it a little bit, right?

And I'm just thinking to myself, don't look down.

Don't look down.

Yeah, Jones.

You don't want to see that.

No, I don't want to see that.

It's like that time Astrid was giving birth to our first child.

The doctor's like, you want to see?

His head's coming out.

And I was like, what do you say in that moment?

Don't I'm an awful father and I can't handle it?

No, you say, of course, I'm a man.

I'm going to pull up my balls and I'm going to take a look.

I should have never looked.

I should have never looked.

So I'm telling myself, don't look, don't look, don't look.

But I'm high as a fucking kite, too.

So at one point, I try to like sit up and raise my head a little bit, and the doctor literally takes his elbow because now his hands are covered in my blood and semen.

He takes his elbow and pushes my head back down.

No, no, no, lay it back.

He goes,

yeah, he goes, no, let's just stay still right there.

Nothing here you want to see.

Let me deal with this end.

You deal with that end.

I know.

Stink.

So

then he's going through the procedure.

And Brian's doing another episode of the commercial break in his head, right?

And I'm like, so I go, so, hey doc is this the best looking uh penis you've seen today

and you know what he says to me

he goes you don't want to hear my truthful answer to that i've got your balls spread wide open i was like fair enough doc fair enough and then I wanted to what I know never mind I'm not gonna tell that joke but I wanted to say some other joke but I didn't I'm doing a whole episode of the commercial break in my head

your head spinning yeah that's right sews me back up says okay, you know, you're done.

Nurse comes in five minutes later.

I'm still sucking on the hose.

Comes in five minutes later to clean up and do this and do that.

And she says, okay, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and throw that.

You can throw that pipe down on the ground, get yourself dressed, and go.

I am covered in iodine, red as a rabbit.

I mean, I swear to it, red as a rabbit.

Is it a rabbit red?

You gave up with that.

Red as a robin, I think is what I should have said.

Red as a robin.

So, Chrissy, I'm like, nope, not going to let go of the hose.

Not until someone comes in and tells me I have to.

She said, whenever you're ready.

Well, I don't have to be ready right now.

This is all going on in my very high mind right now.

So I keep sucking.

I'm laying there.

I'm sucking.

I'm laying there.

I'm sucking.

I'm laying there.

I'm sucking.

And so I don't know what it was because I didn't have my,

you know, time-telling device, also known as my iPhone on me.

But I must have been in there, I'm guessing 10 minutes, getting ever more high, ever more high, ever more high, sucking on this thing until,

Mr.

Green, you okay in there?

And I'm like,

I go,

and she comes and peeks around the corner, and she's like, You didn't get dressed yet?

And I'm like, No,

why?

And she's like, Well, we do need the room for someone else.

When, once you go ahead and take the pipe out of your mouth, and whenever you're ready, you can get dressed.

Yeah,

yeah, she's getting it.

We're wrestling back and forth with it.

I'm going to shut off the valve.

No, you're not.

I paid $100.

I want my money's worth.

And I was like, yeah, just a minute.

I'll be there in a minute.

You know, like that whole number.

And she's like, why don't you give me the hose and we'll start there?

And I was like, oh, I was like a little dejected baby.

Get cleaned up as much as I can.

She's like, here, here's some wipies.

Well, the wipies don't take iodine off.

Nothing takes iodine off.

It sticks with you for days.

It does.

Chrissy, I'm telling you what.

I got home and I was so hept up up from my hour-long adventure on NO2.

Yeah, and the lidocaine was still in effect.

I'm just dancing around the house.

I'm walking up and down.

I got to make a phone call.

I got to do this and that.

Worst fucking thing I ever did.

Yeah, you should have come home and went to bed.

It says right on the piece of paper, go home, get in bed immediately.

Yeah,

ice it immediately get out of bed.

I did not do that.

I did not take the doctor's advice.

And man, did I pay for it the next day?

I have never in my life seen a hematoma, also known as a bruise, like the bruise that my both of my testicles had.

That's still here today, by the way.

Chrissy, black as that screen.

Swear to God, my balls are black as that screen.

Yeah.

And it really freaked me out.

And that's why Jeff came in handy because Jeff was like, ah, don't worry about it, dude.

Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

But ice, ice, ice.

And by the way, I could feel the pressure of them swelling up.

I felt like two baseballs were down there.

So here I am.

I'm in bed being a bad patient, as Astra will tell you, I always am.

She's saying, lay down, lay down.

And I'm feeling bad because the kids are running around screaming and yelling.

The dog's barking.

I know I wanted to help.

And she's like, if you get an infection,

you're going to be down for weeks.

Fuck you.

Lay down in the bed.

You do not want an infection.

Astra doesn't care whether or not I'm really healed.

She cares whether or not she has to do extra days with the children.

So she's smartly telling me to lay down so I don't get an infection.

Well, I will tell you what.

At some point during the evening, I get up and I got to eat something.

So I'm like, okay, now I'm hungry.

I'm nauseous.

It feels like you got kicked in the balls, but the feeling never went away.

It's like this persistent feeling that you've just been kicked in the balls.

I'm walking in the hallway,

about to get in the kitchen, and my son is standing at the stairwell right next to the door to the kitchen.

And my son swings around and he goes, stop, like he's playing a game, and he smacks me right in the penis.

Chrissy,

I fall down.

I fall immediately down, down on my butt, then on my head, like a whole,

like like a real fall right not one that you pre-plan not one for exaggeration yeah one because the pain level just went to 70 out of 10

and as I fall down Chrissy I swear to God this happens and my son will tell you this when you walk out the door a roach

falls on the floor

It's been raining here for like days on end.

And whenever it rains, we always get this random, like, you know, palmetto bug that shows up.

Quote unquote.

Quote unquote.

It's a freaking one.

It's not a fucking roach.

Don't call it a palmetto bug.

I don't care, Florida.

It's not a palmetto bug.

We don't have palmettos.

So this roach falls on the floor right next to me, but the whole family is now run up to see what's going on.

So it's Astrid, all the children, the dog is barking, the roach is right next to me, and my children start crying bloody murder.

Literally tears coming out of their face.

They're running away.

They're scared.

My son, the one who hit me, thought that he had hit me in the penis, the boo-boo, right, on my penis.

That's what we called it, the boo-boo, on my penis, and a roach had come out.

That's what he thought.

That's what was in his head.

Oh, my God.

The roach came out.

It took me three hours to convince my son that roaches don't come out of your penis.

That's not what happens.

And by the way, even if I tried, roaches couldn't come out of my penis anymore.

It's disconnected.

Can't make babies.

Can't make roaches.

Well, I'm glad you made it through.

Well, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

Yeah, it takes a little while.

It does.

You know,

when you look back on it, you'll be like, oh, it was nothing.

It was a couple days.

I told Jeff, you know, I said, if you'll remember, it's a little bit more difficult.

It's a little bit more of an ordeal.

I think it's going to be.

Everyone makes it sound like, a day or two with ice.

Yeah, boom, boom.

Yeah, it's like when women get pregnant and that chemical goes in their brain, they forget the actual birthing part.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Well, all the men who have gotten vasectomies have forgotten the actual part where you got to watch out for your son smacking you in the vault.

By the way, he slept with me in the bed that night, and he's just a kicker.

That's what he does.

He's just kicking me all night long in the potatoes.

I'm like, ah, ah.

And he's like, Daddy, are there bugs coming out?

No, son, there aren't.

But you keep on kicking me, and you might see something you don't want to.

Like two volleyballs attached to dads.

Bing-pang.

All right, TCVPodcast.com.

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At the commercial break on the ever-growing Instagram, ever growing because when you go from one to two that's 100 growth chrissy yeah we're it's exploding yeah we're on four so uh add the commercial break on instagram tcb podcast on tick tock and please do us a favor go to the youtube page youtube.com slash the commercial break we did that episode with steve oh And I don't, we must be shadow banned from at YouTube.

I know we are, actually.

And someone left a comment.

I farted and get more views than this Steve-O video.

I wanted to say, yes, you're right.

That's true.

That's true.

All right, Chrissy, that is definitely all I can do today.

All this hopping around has got me sore.

Got to go take care of my baseballs.

I love you.

I love you.

Best to you.

Best to you.

And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Until next time, Chrissy and I do say, we always say, and we must say,

good balls.

This Marshawn Beast Mode Lynch.

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I take a dick and keep on licking.