TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation

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Well, I start the day with a good hot breakfast.

Burry, eggs, and bacon, and a drop of whiskey and tea.

You can defy the virus then.

Ah, very good.

What about you, madam?

I believe in a good breakfast, but I also believe if you have got the flu,

rinse your inside out continually with boiled water about four or or five half-pint glasses a day. Boiled water.
On this episode of The Commercial Break. You know, as one of the top comedy podcasts in the bottom half of the comedy charts, it causes the entire podcast universe a lot of agita when we don't push out fresh episodes.
So you can understand the precarious position that I'm in, having received my annual visit from Atlanta's fifth fake spring. Just like taxes, dental cleaning, and that twice a year you have sex with your spouse, I have received my annual visit from Uncle Flu and his ex-wife sinus infection.
So unfortunately for all those who are paying attention, the commercial break does not have a new episode to fluff your feathers and tickle your tally whacker today. But fear not, my little minions.
We're going to do what every other prestigious podcast would do in a situation just like this. Rehash the intro and outro, throw one of the mediocre past episodes in the middle and give it a catchy name like TCB Classic.
And what's on the menu for today's TCB Classic, you may ask? We're going to re-listen to our good friend Brad Van Bus Station. Ah, yes, Brad, the venerable Love Connection contestant who touched our hearts and made us nauseous by bringing his date to the local Greyhound station because urine-stained metal benches, the smell of body odor, and vending machine junk food for dinner has never, ever, ever turned a woman off.
Not in my experience anyway, and certainly not in Brad's experience. We fell instantly in love with this episode of The Love Connection, and I hope over time you will find a way to forgive me and my swollen tonsils for rubbing your ears the wrong way, not once, but twice, with this TCB Classic.
All right, enough talking. I'm going to go down a bottle of NyQuil and hallucinate my way through an episode of Teletubbies with my kids.
We'll be back next week with a special guest Kathleen Madigan on Tuesday. And I promise you some piping hot episodes of the commercial break.
Bye. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

2.30 in the morning!

Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green.

This is my dear friend and co-host, the beautiful Kristen Joy Hodley.

Best to you, Chrissy.

And best to you, Brian.

And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

I just read, and I sure as shit hope this is not my fate,

but I just read that the oldest dog in the world turned 31 years old please please please please please please please please please please please i know oftentimes that you know we say nasty things about religion and in a pragmatic way but please god don't let blue live to 31 years old 23 23 i 23. I'm good with 23.
31 years old. Wow, that's a long time.
That's like 150 years old in dog years. It's a Labrador.
Oh, good old lab. 31 years old.
Can you believe that? That's a long time. My cat lived until she was 22.
That's a cat. Cats can live into their 20s, right? They live longer.

Well, no,

it's not normal, but.

Yeah.

I just,

you know,

I like,

I think I told this story one time.

We're living downtown.

I was living with my ex-wife.

We lived in this house

and across the way

was a duplex.

And the duplex was like

set way off the street.

I remember that.

Do you remember that?

Okay,

there's a duplex.

Yeah,

because we spent a lot of

nights on that porch.

Yes.

Shrinking and God knows what else ourselves to death.

Dancing.

Dancing.

God bless the neighbors in that.

Remember I had that one super old neighbor next door, and then I had that young couple

who I believe were Mormon next to us on the other side.

Perfect.

And so they got married in their backyard, and I had two dogs at the time. I had Botts and Winnie.
I remember. And so they were really well-behaved dogs.
They were. They were sweet.
They were very sweet. They didn't bark a lot.
I mean, you heard a bark out of Botts once a day maybe and it was because someone was knocking on the front door. But anyway, we had a fenced-in backyard.
We had the Mormons living next to us, and they got married. We saw them setting up on a Friday and for a Saturday wedding, and so they were never particularly talkative with us, and I can understand why.
It's because we were like a den of iniquities over there, just cocaine, beer, and getting debauchery going on 24 hours a day. But we were over...
I was in the backyard, and I was over near the fence with the dogs. And I hear this on the fence.
Hello? Hey, what's going on, man? What you setting up for over there? We're actually getting married. Oh, wow.
Congratulations. You're getting married in your backyard? Yeah, yeah.
We're just gonna have some friends and some family over and we're getting married and it's happening tomorrow. Could you do me a favor? Sure, no problem.
What do you need? Can you keep it down between 12 and 3 in the afternoon? And I was like, keep it down? And he's like, yeah, you know, sometimes I know you guys like to play loud music and party and stuff, and the dogs are back there sniffing around and jingling, jangling you just kind of keep it down between 12 and 3 in the afternoon and i was like sure no problem dude guess what i did i let the dogs in the backyard for the entire time no i'm kidding i didn't anyway had this big long driveway going to this duplex right across the street from us.

And they had a fucking parrot.

Not a cockatoo.

Not one of those little small birds that dies in three months.

A parrot.

An actual parrot.

I forget what you call them.

They're like cockatoos?

Is that what it is?

Is it a cockatoo?

I mean, I think a parrot's a parrot and a cockatoo's a cockatoo. I know, but one of them is a pet and one of them is not.
Is a cockatoo the one on the Froot Loops box? That's a toucan. That's a toucan.
Toucan Sam. Toucan Sam.
That's right. Okay, whatever kind of bird these people had.
I don't know. I'm not a bird expert.
No, I grew up, well, when I was younger, there was a friend of mine that his family had birds. Yeah.
Like three of them. Parrots? So I would go and they would talk yeah they would say things and bite your finger off too if you're fucking getting their way i didn't try and get into the cages so so i so they had this parrot and that parrot you could be at the you could be in the back of my house in the very back of my house in a with the water running and the music playing, and still hear that fucking parrot from across the street.
And they kept it outside. I can only imagine because it was even too noisy for them to have inside of the house.
They kept it outside. Oh.
Most of the time they kept it outside. Ah! Ah! What about with weather? Go fuck yourself! Go fuck yourself! I don't know.
Well, they had a screened in port. Oh, okay.
So this went on for two years. Two years.
Until one day I get a knock at the door. And I go and I look and it's this kind of scraggly guy.
He's got his shirt off. He's very skinny.
He's like got, you know, the jeans on with the belt like cinched way tight. Obviously, obviously he's doing drugs.
That's all I can say. Obviously he's doing drugs.
I can only imagine making Mountain Dew crystal meth in the backyard or whatever. I don't know, but he looks whacked out and he looks totally fucked up.
And I have never ever in my entire, I was there for like eight years. I had never seen the neighbors.
I had only heard the parrot. So I opened the door.
Hello? Hey, man, I'm Dale from Crossed Street. And I'm like, oh, hey, Dale, nice to meet you.
I didn't extend my hand to shake it because I was afraid of where his hand had been. And I was like, hey, man, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah, man, listen, I got to move out of the house in like three days. And I was wondering if you could take my pet bird just maybe for a month.
And I'll come back and get it. And I'm like, no, I got dogs and people I care about and eardrums.
Plus I don't know you. Yeah.
I was like, I go, hey, Dale. I have eardrums.
I have eardrums. I'm not going to take your fucking parrot.
So I go, hey, man, I appreciate that you need a place for the bird to stay, but I don't think my house is the right place. I got two dogs.
Check with the Mormons. Yeah, check with the Mormons.
They're really, they love loud noises. I said, listen, I can understand, but you also got to understand my situation.
I got two dogs. I just got a divorce.
I'm mainly drunk all the time. It's highly likely that parent's going to get into some kind of narcotics and it's going to kill it.
You don't, you don't want me taking care of your parent. I can barely take care of myself.
You don't want the parent involved in the whole situation. And so he stood out there for a few minutes trying to convince me of the parent.
see the thing is when i bought a parrot i didn't know it was gonna live 150 years and now i gotta find somebody take a long time they live a long time yeah now there's a bunch of people like pet lovers animal lovers who are running out trying to find people who have these parrots and getting them to sign agreements that gives a chain of custody for when and if they die because apparently a big problem is they take them to the vet or somebody dies they take them to the local veterinarian or whatever you know they try and give them to the dog pound why the dog pound would take a parrot i don't know but then the then the birds end up getting euthanized because there's nothing else they can do with them right they and they're really hard to home because you really you have to know what the fuck you're doing when you have a parent i can imagine there's not a lot of demand at the local shelter for parents no unless you're dale from across the street i swear i got this guy i mean this guy was at work he had just toops and everything he had the whole toops and all of it hey man i appreciate listen if you know of anybody you just, let me know. I'll give you my phone number if you want.
No, no, no, no. I know where to find you for the next couple of days.
I'll call your people. My people will call your people if we find a place to rehome your fucking parent.
Keep it for a month, too. Keep it for a month.
That's what he asked me. Keep it for a month.
Keep it outside. It doesn't really matter.
He's used to to being outside it's probably why it's squawking all the time because it's fucking cold hot rainy wet hungry needs water so i know that these parents so then i was dating this girl one time she lived down her dad lived down in florida we went out there one time i think i told this story ended up sleeping on like an air mattress in the office of this house because i was just trying to be respectful of the fact that most parents don't want you sleeping with their daughter in there you don't want you you know going to pound town on their daughter in their house when you're not married i was just trying to i'm just being a good you know gentleman sport good sport yeah i'll fuck her when you're sleeping and i'll come Just slink back to the bed later. Which I did.
So he had like three parrots and he loved these birds. But the birds would attack anybody who tried to get near them except for him.
So everybody else in the house was just scared shitless of these birds that were literally in the house. And so everyone- They weren't in a anything they were in a cage no they were all three of them in a cage like a series of cages like the whole wall was dedicated to these birds and so they warned me first thing gonna come in don't stick your fingers anywhere near that you know the birds they don't like people blah blah blah like you're gonna go and stick your finger hey birdie birdie Hey, birdie, birdie.

So. Take your finger.
Hey, birdie, birdie. Hey, birdie, birdie.
So, oh, there goes your finger. Yeah.
Because they will take off your finger. So over the course of a day or two, I started staring at this one parrot.
Like we started communicating, mind melding, right? And eventually the guy, I said, hey, you know, do you ever take these things out and he's like yeah i do but usually not when people are strange people are around because i'm telling you these birds they just don't like other people and i don't want unpredictable behavior when i'm that i can't control and he goes but if you want me to i'll take it out i kind of put it on my shoulder and you can whatever so he puts on the shoulder and an eye patch yeah what's that he was this was in tampa florida i'll put on my eye patch yeah i'll put on my best matey so he knows i'm a friend a friend in need is a friend indeed parity come hop over onto my shoulder and poke out my eyeball. Hey! So he takes out the bird.
He puts it on, you know, he's on his, like his, his forehand. Yeah.
I've seen them do that. And the bird hops toward me, like hops toward me.
It was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it was like, it of like, like this. And I was like, oh shit, he's going to attack me.
And he's like, wow, I've never seen him do that before, you know? And the bird is like, so put the bird back in the cage. I felt like that was maybe as a sign that he didn't like me and I needed to stay away.
Go to sleep on the mattress in the office the next day. It's got two of these like French doors that you can just kind of push open, the pop, you knowpy french doors so i'm sleeping and all of a sudden i hear like this word and i can hear on the on the on the floor and i'm like i'm kind of waking up out of sleep i'm like what is that i turn my head and the fucking parrot is right there is right there my God.
And I'm like, the parrot, the murder parrot.

The murder parrot is right next to me.

What am I going to do?

But that bird didn't do a thing.

It bounced close to me and it started like nudging me with its nose.

It was like this.

It liked me.

It actually liked me.

And so I was like, wow, murder parrot likes me. And I swear to god we that was my first visit there and we became the best of friends like anytime i would go the murder parrot the murder parrot would sit on my shoulder and it would like it would nudge my my face and be like this yeah it loved me so who knows maybe i should have taken the parrot maybe it was better than dale i just can't commit to anything commit to, you know, a full day's work, let alone the murder parrot.
Oh, my God. You know, two birds of a feather.
What do they say? Flock together. Flock together.
Isn't that the right way to say it? You and the parrot. Speaking of birds of a feather that flock together, I don't even know how we got involved in this conversation.
Yeah, how could that happen? The world's oldest dog. Oh, right.
Sometimes I have to think about where we were before. You know what I'm saying? The circle.
It's just like, I thought about a new tagline for the show that I actually might put up there. Feel free to go down the rabbit hole, we'll throw you a ladder.
That's true. We'll help you back out.
Yeah, we'll help you back out. That's right.
All right. This seems like as good a place as any to take a break.
Why don't you listen to Rachel give you some information about how to get in touch with us. And I'll do some extremely gross neti potting.
And maybe I'll sound like half a human in this next break. Rachel here.
While Brian takes his old man bladder to the little boy's room, let's talk turkey. TCB needs your help.
If you love the show, do us all a favor and share. Sharing is caring.
And we know you care. Don't you? Do you want to be on the show? Leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3822 and you could be the next TCB disembodied voice.
Ooh, what'd you do today? I was a disembodied voice. You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is.
Find us on Insta at the commercial break on the web at TCB podcast.com. And all the episodes on video are available the same day at youtube.com slash the commercial break.
I'm going to go help Brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors. And then we'll all meet back here and get back to this episode of the commercial break.
I'll take a raise now. Bitches, bye.
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Speaking of two birds of a feather to flock together, fall in love. You know, Chrissy, we love our dating shows around here.
We've reviewed so many of them at the, I can't even remember all the names, but one of the ones that sticks with us, two of the ones that stick with me are Blind Date, which we just reviewed a couple episodes ago. And what I really would love to do is I'd love to review another Love Connection episode as we get into the thick of summer and, you know, we take off for our vacations and everyone's chilling out and relaxing.
I thought we'd do something easy. I thought we'd not yell and scream about religion today and and we'd simply take it easy, settle down, and do a little love connection.
Something we can all agree on is that Love Connection was the very first OG dating game. It was the OG Tinder.
It's the very first Tinder. True You take a look at pictures And a little bit of information About somebody And then you make a decision About who you want to go out with You meet up with them

You bang real quick

And then you ghost them

That's how it works

It's You take a look at pictures and a little bit of information about somebody. And then you make a decision about who you want to go out with.

You meet up with them.

You bang real quick.

And then you ghost them.

That's how it works.

That's how it always works.

You show a little knee.

Yeah, you show a little knee.

You show a little knee.

Maybe you get a knee job.

And then you move on.

A knee job.

You mind if I...

I know you don't want to take the bird.

You mind if I fuck your knee?

Can I fuck your knee real quick?

I don't know.

I just like fucking knees.

Ever since I've been on this vendor,

I feel like knees are really sexy.

I'll fuck the back of it.

That way you don't have any jizz on your front.

But you'll just have the knee sweat.

Yeah, I got the knee sweat.

Let me put some KY back there and I'll...

Nothing like a knee fuck. Nothing like a knee fuck.
I wonder how many people have knee fucked. You know it's happened.
Probably. You know there's some douchebag out there that was like, let me fuck the back of your knee.
People have strange fetishes. People do have strange fetishes.
We we've also reviewed, too. Maybe you should look into that.

Listen, I know that Rachel and I have talked about this multiple times.

When you get that smell, when somebody has that smell.

Oh, yeah, the smell.

You literally want to chop them up and eat them.

You literally, it's like a baby.

It's like a baby or a puppy breath.

It's like you want to eat their face.

And maybe, maybe, even though I would never had to, but maybe I would have fucked the knee had someone said, can only fuck my knee i would have been like i'll fuck your knee that's not a problem i can fuck your knee or can i just hump the bed right next to you maybe we can whack off together the second you walk in the door by the way someone who knows that girl reached out to me after i told that story on air. Yes, they did.
And so I'm really sorry I told that story on air, but she did ask me to whack off right in front of her the second I walked in the door. It's not, it's not not true.
We have to fill content. What did they say? I've got days and days of content.
What do you want me to do? I got to fill it up. I'm now contractually committed to a thousand episodes or whatever the fuck it is.
I is i gotta and it's the only thing i know is my own life so i didn't say any names no one's gonna know except for that one person who did know you know what i'm saying okay just checking all right so without further ado i was trolling on the internet as you do as i do do and i found an old episode of love connection and i mean an old episode of the love connection this is from 1983 what the fuck chuck what the fuck chuck i say that to myself i know i do too yeah all the time sometimes i'm driving and i'm like what the fuck chuck yeah and then of course my son goes what the fuck chuck good. Just don't say that to anybody out loud.
Keep that in your inside voice. Get a compliment any time he wants to, and he says that his grandma is always trying to fix him up.
Please welcome Brad. This guy's in dancewear sales.
I haven't seen that. Dancewear sales.
I have not seen that occupation listed. That is the best occupation I and i'd like to know if in on linkedin that gives it's one of the options for sales you know they give you the options dance dance where sales you know they they don't have an option for podcasting on any of the forms like government forms you have to fill out where it says you know what category of business do you have and when you try and put podcaster it's not, it's not even respected enough to have it.
I bet dancewear sales is there and podcasting is not. A thousand bucks.
He tripped when he walked out. Poor guy.
Hey, this is 1983, and he is rocking gym shoes with a full suit.

Yeah, he's going with the Nikes.

He's going with the Nikes.

This guy is ahead of his time.

Now, this is not the fashion model you would hope.

He works from home.

Yeah, he's in dancewear sales.

He's gas.

I wonder if it's dancewear sales like my daughter goes to dance class,

and she wears a tutu, and I'm selling it to you, or dancewear sales like high heels goes to dance class and she wears a tutu and I'm selling it to you.

Or dancewear sales like high heels, fishnet stockings, and garter belts. I wonder what kind of dancewear he's into.
He might tell us. Yeah, I hope so.
That is the worst outfit I've ever seen on a human being. It's pretty bad.
Are those literally corduroy pants? They're pinstriped something. Pinstripe corduroy pants, Nike run shoes, gray jacket, yellow polo shirt, and a haircut that I can only describe as a cereal box.
I used to grandma trying to fix you up. Well, I just wanted to thank you for that fresh fruit basket in my dressing room.
Oh, it's okay. No problem.
My grandma, it's a common practice. She goes to...
Yeah, you got him, Jim. Hey, Julie, come look at Todd.
Todd made a funny on the show. Just like I told him.
I dress her every Saturday, and she takes her pen and pencil, she said, and she talks to all the other grandmas about their granddaughters for me. Does it usually work out? Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want.
I call him up, Chuck, but they remind me of Oslo's cattle.

This guy is a handful.

What's his name again?

Because he seems like a Vinny.

Let's go back.

Yeah, he seems like a Vinny, but I don't think he's a Vinny.

Let's go back and let's see.

He's Brad.

Brad Grunberg.

Grunberg.

You know Grunberg?

You know Grunberg?

Hey, you seen Grunberg? You seen Grunberg? You tell him to get the fuck over here. That guy owes me a knee fuck.
Tell Grunberg I'm still waiting for that knee fuck. I'll get him.
Fucking asshole. Fucking Brad.
What kind of name is Brad? Brad Grunberg. He does have the BG initials.
He does. Anybody with the initials BG is doomed to a life of misery and poverty.
Well, I just want to thank you for that fresh fruit basket in my dressing room. Oh, it's okay.
No problem. My grandma, it's a common practice.
She goes to the hairdresser every Saturday, and she takes her pen and pencil set, and she talks to all the other grandmas about their grandda. Pen and pencil set.
Well, it's the 80s. Yeah, that's true.
You don't have your Blackberry or your iPhone. Nothing.
Nothing. You had a pen and pencil set.
You had a pen and pencil set. Hey, can I get your phone number? Sure.

Write it down on my pen and pencil set.

It went in her pocketbook.

Yeah.

Do me a favor.

Pick a pen or a pencil, any pen or pencil.

Write it down on a piece of paper.

I got you.

I'll put it in my Rolodex.

You want this for me?

Does it usually work out?

Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want.

I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of last month's cattle for some reason. Does it usually work out? Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want.

I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of last month's cattle for some reason.

This guy, yeah.

This is the kind of guy who tells jokes in front of the mirror to make sure he gets it right.

Yeah.

Last month's what?

Which is also, there's another BG in the studio that does that also.

Cattle, Chuck?

They're big girls.

I'm my style, man. I'm my style.
Well, you're not exactly a slight little guy. Chuck.
Chuck. Oh, Chuck.
If you would have just stayed this Chuck, if you hadn't grown up and all old and fussy, wow, you're not exactly... I was going to say the same thing.
It's not like this guy's fit and trim. No, he's looking for a 10 and he's a 4.

How else do you meet one?

Well, I do it in many ways,

but the Friday night at the temple seems to be pretty good.

Friday night at the temple.

Yeah, there's a dance there

and I usually go up there

and we have a good time dancing,

but the girl's a little too conservative

for a guy like me.

We're 0 for 2.

I'm guessing people's ethnicity.

Well, I thought he was Italian. I thought he was Italian too too.
But, oh, he's Jewish. No, he's Jewish.
Biggest wild type. I'm a wild animal guy, you know? And that's my style.
So that's pretty good, but, you know. I like to do cocaine off the back of girls' knees.
You're going to have nice, smooth knees, if you know what I'm talking about, Chuck. I like to bang bang a couple of rails and i take a couple shots of remy martin i get crazy at the friday night dance don't you worry chuck these girls are in safe hands with me i'm a wild guy i was once true story i was supposed to play bludo in animal house but i was 12 so i didn't get the pot you want me they want to take me home, but no.
Well, tell me this surefire way of getting compliments. At the temple? At the temple? Okay.
Yeah, but, you know. Continue.
I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic, you know. Did they want to take him home? Okay.
Yeah, I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic Church, and let me tell you something. Take them home to bang? Yeah, of course.

Take them home to bang or meet mom and dad, break bread, you know, the whole thing.

At any time you want to, that's what you say.

Well, I'm a B-type guy, and I'm also a virgin.

A B?

What's a B?

I'm also a virgin.

I'm also a virgin.

I'm a B-type guy.

Like, you mean you play on the B team?

What are you talking about?

I think he means, like, not type A, but type B.

Well, I could have guessed that by his...

But also he threw in a virgin.

Yeah.

Why did he throw in virgin?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Not something you would do these days.

But yeah, I see him as...

Anybody who looks at his outfit can probably tell he's not an A type personality.

True.

When you're wearing green pinstripe pants and a gray shirt with a yellow polo.

We'll get to the virgin later.

There's two types of guys. There's the A and B.
You're an A, I'm a B. Okay? That's a compliment.
Take your word for it. Okay.
And I'm a B, so I'm a virgin, so I decide that this is the way I'm going to get girls. I'll show you, Chuck.
Okay. Hi, I'm ugly, but I'm a nice guy.
No, I'm really ugly. No, no, no, you're not, Brad.
You're a good-looking guy. You're cute.
You're fine to be with. No, I'm ugly.
I'm ugly. I'm horrible.
So you do all of this stuff, and then they come on and say, nah, come on, Brad. Wow, sounds like a surefire way to get laid.
Yikes. Hello? Hey, it's Brad Grunberg from the temple.
How you doing? I'm good. You said Brad from the temple? Yeah, Brad from the temple.
My grandma gave me your phone number you know what i'm talking about hey listen uh what are you i want one to ten what what would you give me i don't even know you i'm ugly i'm just telling you i'm ugly okay thanks for the call no no no wait i keep on going for a little while and then you eventually want to screw me so i'm really ugly i'm terribly ugly okay thanks brad from the temple i gotta go now you're scaring me No, no, no, wait. I just want to tell you.
So I'm really ugly. I'm terribly ugly.
Okay, thanks, Brad, from the temple.

I gotta go now.

You're scaring me.

No, no, no, wait.

I just want to tell you about my small penis.

Okay, Brad.

I have no money.

Thanks for calling.

I'm a virgin.

My shoes have a hole in it.

Okay.

I have zero experience in bed.

Okay, talk to you later.

You have anybody say,

yes, you're right, Brad, and leave. Has that ever happened to you? Chuck, many times.
Many times. I mean, we're going to be honest here, yeah.
But, no, it's a great way, and I meet a lot of girls that way, and basically when I get to that point, I can do basically anything with them. Anything.
Anything. Most anything.
Except have sex. Well, right.
Apparently. Right.
Yeah, which is probably why you're still a... Virgin.
Yeah, yeah. Let's take a connection because it was the only way he could get closer to the tv cameras where he desperately wanted to be i bet if we look up bad gunberg right now he's been in 60 movies as like uh an extra yeah google brad gunnberg on IMDb.
Gunnberger. Gunnberger? Gunnberger? I thought it was just Gunnberg.
It's Gunnberger? I think so. Okay.
All right. There's Donna.
She's originally from Queens, New York, enjoys photography and working with stained glass. Now, she says that she often gets compliments on her eyes.
Here are Donna's requirements for men. You now have a decent job and, you know, in education.
And, you know, just be wise with, you know, what he does. I want you to notice something about this.
I want to share this with people who are listening. On the screen is a nice young lady who's giving her little...
Vicky. Yeah, Vicky, who's giving her little soliloquy here.
And then in the bottom, there's a picture in picture, a box showing Brad and his reaction to the girl.

He gets so animated that some TV producer inside of the studio

decides to cut the box out

because they don't like the way Brad's acting.

They're like, this guy's obnoxious.

Cut him out.

Watch.

You know, in education.

And, you know, just...

They cut him out.

Wise with, you know, what he does with his money. Spend it on me.
Next is Vicki. Her hobbies include playing basketball, baseball, football.
She also likes to swim, cook, work out, and go horseback riding. Wow.
Wow, Brad and this girl seem perfect fit for each other. Brad only wears tennis shoes with a suit.
I think so.

She says her habit is chewing gum.

We'll be in a movie and I'll pop a piece of gum in my mouth just because

I'm hungry or just because I don't want to ask

for popcorn or something. And I'll find myself

and I just feel so stupid.

And then I realize, I go, oh my god,

nice impression that you're making.

Finally, you watch Gail.

She was raised in Kansas. She says that...
Gail looks like she's part of the Duggar. Gail is the...
It's Gail Duggar. Is that a wig on top of her head? Is she wearing a wig? I don't think so.
Her hair is two totally different colors. It really is.
Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, she definitely looks like a Duggar.
She spends most of her time taking care of her horse. Now, when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies.
She hasn't had much luck with her dates recently, and here's one example. He started getting really hostile.
He's like, well, you come here, and you do this, and you, you know. And I'm all, no, I don't.
I do what I want to do, you know, just go with the flow. And sad to say, I punched him.

What?

That's bizarre.

But they probably had a limited

selection of who they thought they could

match Brad up with.

Yeah, they probably had, like,

I would imagine the girls get some say in this,

is my thought, is like, hey, you're going to go out with Brad.

And they probably had 3,000 girls

on video.

And these are the three. They just didn't ever respond respond.
They're like, I'll put them in there. They didn't get the message.
Wow. What an interesting combination.
Let's take a look at all three of them again. First there's Donna.
She's 25. She's a stockbroker's assistant.
Vicky's an education student. She's 23.
That's an education student. Finally, Gail, she's 24.

He's an education student.

A student of education?

A student of education.

Oh, that's interesting.

That's like being a business person.

I'm a person of business.

Gail's a word processor who has a sideline of boxing.

A word processor?

Right, before they did it with computers.

Oh, yeah.

I guess so.

I guess.

What did that entail?

Processing words?

Yes, I think so. Give me a favor and process these words for yeah.
I guess so. I guess.
What did that entail? Processing words? Yes, I think so.

Give me a favor and process these words for me. I appreciate it.

I think there's one of those in my head.

Okay.

Brad, pick one of those ladies as his date.

Who would you fix him up with now that you

know Brad so well?

Two!

Two! Two!

If you don't pick two, everyone's going to die.

All right.

The audience has made his choice, and Brad's going to tell us who you picked.

Who'd you pick, Brad?

Well, I picked Victoria.

Victoria.

Okay.

Why is Brad so very animated?

He really is.

He's making moves.

I wonder what he's doing.

Yeah, that fruit basket didn't get used. I imagine he was just cutting rails before he came out.
We're going to just continue all this fun tomorrow because we're out of time. Let's fast forward through our show for today.
We'll be back tomorrow with Brad and more singles. We're going to try to make a love connection right here.
And I'm Chuck Woolery, hoping all your dates are good ones tonight.

See you tomorrow.

Bye-bye, everybody.

Is that his tagline?

Yeah, that's his tagline.

Hoping all your dates are good tonight.

How many dates am I going on tonight?

All of them?

All of them.

When I was single, I was like, oh, I hope all your dates are good this decade.

Yesterday, he told us which of these three women he chose as his date today you'll hear what happened on that date okay he stepped up his day yeah somebody in the production office got got a hold of him and said hey dude you can't wear nikes pinstripe pants, and a gray blazer. It's just not a great combination.
So today, let's put you in black shoes, black pants, gray socks. Those look like old Birkenstocks.
Yeah, they kind of do. Yeah.
Old Birkenstocks are those shoes you get when you work at a restaurant and you know you're going to need three pairs a year, so you spend $10 on them at Walmart. Been there, done that.
Yeah, Brad. Doesn't a woman deserve to start out in a 50-50 relationship? Not in my ballpark.
It starts at $75-25. $75, your favorite $25.
Of course, always in my favor. uh they have to earn the other 25 how do they do that well they have to earn points by understanding the kind of guy i am and i give them a few brownie points and a few percentage points but if they don't i get rid of them now i'm the kind of guy that likes to bury people under my porch you gotta understand the kind of guy i am and since you're only only 25% human right now, I'm going to work up.
I know. Nothing like starting with 75, 25 in my favor.
Hey, listen. Oddly.
Shut up. I thought I'd work myself up to 50-50 with you.
Listen, you're strictly a word processor until you get to 50-50. Just process my words.
What a douche-kadoozle.

If they understand that, they do a couple other things special on the side.

I give them the 25.

We got 50-50.

What is the special on the side?

Tickling your balls?

Tickling your taint?

What is going on?

Something like that.

Knee stuff.

This guy is way too animated.

I'd love to see where he is today.

He must have a TikTok channel.

He can't help himself i don't know brad let's bring i don't know brad you're an asshole exactly he wants to say that listen listen it's simple math here here's how you do it women have ut uteruses. Men have penises.
Uteruses are inside. Penises are outside.
If you just do the measurements, it's pure. It's mathematical.
You equal 75% less than I do. That's how it works.
We got the date on what happened yesterday. Now, we showed the audience Brad's three choices, and they voted on which one they thought would be best for him.

We're going to take a look at all three of them again today and catch you up.

First, there's Donna.

She enjoys photography and working with stained glass.

Ah, Donna.

That was Donna.

Vicki, her hobbies include playing baseball, basketball, and football.

If she likes this guy, swear to God, we're doing a welfare check.

Yeah.

Welfare check on Vicki.

And Gail, when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies. Why do I wish it was Gail? I think I do too.
Honestly, listening back to this, it's hard to believe that Brad is an actual human being. He's like a bad AI creature from the lagoon.
But no, Brad is an actual human being who went on to act in multiple straight-to-video movies, but he did act in movies. It was his brother that ended up being quite the character actor in Hollywood.
And so you got to feel a little bit bad for Brad. No, no, no, never mind.
Forget I ever said that. All right, let's listen to Rachel tell you what you can do to help us out, and then we'll finish up this episode.
I'll be back at the end. Let me do something Brian has never done.
Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break.
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Visit IDTech.com and use code IDTech to save $150 on a week that's guaranteed to be a highlight of summer. Now, the audience vote was recorded yesterday, and we'll get to that a little bit later on, but right now Brad's going to tell us who he chose.
Vicki. He chose Vicki.
There she is. Vicki's backstage.
Let's say hello to Vicki Landry. Hi, Vicki.
Hi, Pat. Hi, Brad.
How are you? Even women had mullets back then. Yeah, everybody had a mullet.
A box top or a mullet? One of the two. You're welcome.
Oh, she said you look cute. Oh, she likes him? Maybe.
Well, fair check on Vicky. Take yourself at home back there, okay? All right.
All right, Brad. Your moment.
Well, it all started about 5.30 p.m. That's how I started.
Start them early. Start them early, yeah.
Get to her house. Her mom answers her door.
And we're talking about one sweet woman, a nice lady. We sat down and talked.
We talked about what she cooked for her husband, where they're going to go this weekend. Just a lovely lady.
And her husband had... Did you touch her kids? That's all we care about! At home,, I would have talked to him too.
After that, Vicki came out. She was looking very nice.
What did you think of Brad when you saw him, Vicki? Well, he was dressed all right. He was dressed nicely.
He wasn't gorgeous, but he was there. Whoa.
Brad's been rehearsing this story for months since they went on the date. He's been trying to figure out how he spins it so he gets a second date, and she comes right out with a ball crusher.
Well, he's not exactly attractive. He's beginning to hyperventilate, I think.

Like I said, I am an ugly guy.

I didn't say that, Brad.

Well, her body wasn't looking too good either.

Whoa.

Brad, Brad, Brad.

Booyah.

Got her.

Still 25%. I'll show this lady.

Who does she think she's dealing with?

I'm Brad Van Brandenburger.

Yours wasn't looking the best either.

What?

I said, he told me over the phone that he was about 180.

I don't think so, Brad.

Maybe you're pushing 180.

Okay, I was 180 done, and you're sure 150.

Zing-a, I got a, yada, yada, yada. Boom, bam, bing, bang.
Bing, bing, bang, bang, bang. What does she think she's fucking with? I'm Brad Van Bergenberger.
I'm a virgin. I party at the temple.
But I'm too crazy for even the temple. But I still go on Friday nights.
I still take my grandma's advice. What happened next, Brad? Well, as we got, I gave her the roses.
Now I'm an ugly, but I'm a nice guy. I gave her the roses.
Is that nice? Did things pick up here a little bit, Vicki? No, not really. Go, Vicki, go.
I was worried about you at first. Now I know you're going to handle your own.
Three favorite phrases of the night. First of all, he called me babe all night, which, I don't know, it's just, I need to know someone a little longer before they call me babe, which I kind of found a little bit offensive.
And second of all, the day... Wow, look at Vicky.
That had her time. What he kept doing was, he said, the night's still in diapers.
I haven't heard that phrase for a long time. In fact, at first I didn't even know what it meant and I had to think about it.
The night's still in diapers

meaning the night's young.

And third of all,

all he kept saying was,

out of control, we're going to have an out of control time.

The night's still in diapers.

We're going to have an out of control time.

I'm taking you to Long John Silver's

and then we're going to go to my temple

for some bodys.

Hey! Oh!

Chuck, I tried.

Was it out of control?

For me it was.

It was.

I can't wait to hear about this.

I can't wait to go home.

Bus station.

What did you do at the bus station?

We went through the doors. The bus station? The fuck is this guy doing? That is a complete new one.
I have never heard that. Never been to the bus station on a date.
Nope. Yep, I'm running away from the law.
I stay out of the bus stations. Vending machine on the left-hand side and had ice cream sandwiches.
It was a lot of fun. He told me that...
What? He took her to ice cream sandwiches from the vending machine on the left hand side and had ice cream sandwiches it was a lot of fun what he took her to ice cream sandwiches from the vending machine wow i didn't even know they sold ice cream sandwiches and vending machines sounds like he was very familiar yeah it sounds like he knew exactly where to find the ice cream sandwiches fine you'll find me at the bus station with ice cream sandwiches What happened next? You're not going to ask why you went to the bus station with ice cream sandwiches.

What happened next?

You're not going to ask why you went to the bus station?

Yeah.

Come on, Chuck.

It was obviously for the ice cream sandwiches.

Yeah, yeah, ice cream sandwiches.

But can't you find ice cream sandwiches somewhere else?

Yeah, just get it started.

Hey, would you like a little appetit?

A little appetizer?

A little starter?

What do you say we go down to the bus station?

It's this place called the bus station.

Oh, is that a new restaurant in town?

No, it's the bus station.

No, no, but it's the best place to get ice cream sandwiches and heroin.

So, let me know.

Good stuff.

A temple on Wilshire Boulevard.

A temple on Wilshire Boulevard. What do you want to do there?

Yeah, we went in and started dancing and drinking and having a good time.

You took her to the temple?

Brad.

At first I was curious.

First the best station,

now the temple?

Yeah.

I was wondering

why you were a virgin,

but now it's clear.

Yeah, it is clear.

You've never been

outside your house

with a female.

In the temple? Yeah, it was a party. It was a wedding party.
It was a wedding party? Whose wedding party is it? Brad! Brad! Hey, Brunson! There's this party! We're going to hit up this party and then can you picture him pulling up to the temple when it's a wedding? Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Mrs. and Mr.
Schmutz. Hey, it's Brad.
And Brad. He's back.
I told you not to invite Brad. A lady came up to me about a half hour later and says, do you know anybody here? I go, isn't this Ron Applebaum's bar mitzvah party No this is the Weiss wedding We crashed the wedding party Do you know anybody here Do you know anybody here Because you're a real asshole And we'd like you to leave I just want to make sure I'm not offending the groom Even though he's the one who asked me to tell you to leave the cheapest.
Yeah. Either he's cheap or so sheltered that the only place he goes is to grandma's and the temple.
And the bus station. He must have been with another girl because that never happened.
We never crashed to weddings. He must have been another date.
No, I'm sorry, Brad. They just couldn't mix her drinks there.
Now he's lying? He's making it up? Who's with? Wait. Why.
Why would she lie? Is she just embarrassed about crashing a wedding? I don't think that she's lying. Or did they go to the temple, no one was there, and now Brad's making up a story that there was going to be a wedding, but I got kicked out before it happened.
That's why she did the wedding. You must have been with another girl or something, because we never went to a wedding.
Wait a minute. This is a this is like, this is a huge discrepancy here.
I mean, yeah, go, Chuck. Get after it.
This is a major thing. You're doing the, uh, really? Yes.
I'm not lying. You didn't go? No, we never went.
You made this up? We passed by, and he said it would, you know, he said, it would have been nice if we went. Whatever you say, Vicki, we believe you.
She's lying through. Deep Chuck, end of story.

Next place.

Why did you lie?

Whoa, Fred.

Damn.

Wow.

I think we found the world's biggest asshole,

and I really hope he has a TikTok channel.

Now, to give him a little bit, a little bit of credit,

she could be lying.

But you're also the guy who just said in the same sentence,

I'm a virgin and women only count for 25% until they do.

Then they give me a handjob.

I'm fine.

Okay.

I don't know why.

We're off to a couple, you know, some singing.

Relax.

I have a few cocktails and we're sitting around.

Good music.

We left.

Time to go to dinner.

Where?

Hotel on Wilshire.

Beverly Hillcrest.

Okay.

So my women write.

If my man intervene again, there was no music. Here we go again.
This is bizarre. Wow, this is really strange.
I had no idea when I downloaded this video that this would get so strange. I'm literally fascinated by what happened.
And I'd like to do a full investigative report here on the commercial break about this date. Exactly.
The notebook? Hold on one second. No, I'm going to write a note to Tina right now because we are going to find...
What happened with Brian? Yeah. Tina, need to do investigation on Love Connection video.
Love Connection date. Oh, my God.
I almost never pick up my phone and write things during the middle of this show, unless it's a note, because I am really fascinated. And I would love to see if I could get a hold of this woman and see if she would tell the actual story about what happened with her and Brad.
I would love it. It'd be the best thing that ever happened to the commercial break? Which is not a high bar to set, but I'm just sharing.
That might have been his plan that there was going to be music, but unfortunately they were not playing at the time that we were there. Chuck's like, I gotta get out of here.
Cut.

You gotta also,

in 2023,

this would have been

the best thing

to ever happen

to this episode

of The Love Connection,

but in 1983,

30 years,

40 years ago,

this was not the way

that television

conducted itself.

It was very,

like,

they weren't gonna get

into a bunch of controversy.

They just wanted to move on

in 15 minutes.

Yep, yep.

Well, we went for a couple. Yeah.
They just wanted to move on in 15 minutes. Yep, yep.
Wait, what happened? Hold on one second. I think I'm going to kiss on the cheek, and she kissed the air over here.
I was kissing over here. What the hell? I'm a nice guy.
She's going to give me a pat on the cheek so I can tell my friends I got a kiss. But she went on.
She got a kiss here. This and that.
I'm a nice guy. Is he going to give me a peck on the cheek so I can tell my friends I got a kiss?

But she went on.

She got a kiss here.

This and that.

I'm a nice guy.

I wanted a kiss.

I spent $100.

Chuck is over this guy.

He's like, get this guy off my stage.

Yes, he is.

I just had to go on with this whole night.

I think you should bring her out so I can give her a big hug.

Let's take a look and see how the audience speaks for you.

I think you should keep you two separated so no one

gets hurt.

Please, please.

Who did they pick, Chuck? Vicky.

No. 47% picked Vicky.

Yeah, they should have picked the last one.

That would have been fascinating. She was close.

The girl who punched somebody. Yeah, she was close.

No.

No.

Is it safe to assume that you probably would like to go out with Vicky again if we pay for it? Chuck, I rather stay a virgin for the rest of my life. Well, it looks like you're going to.
Yeah, you're well on your way, buddy. But we do have to investigate where he ended up.
We are going to investigate, yes. I will investigate this.
Brad Bumgard or something? I'll figure it out. Brandon Berger? Brandon Berger? I said Berger, but maybe it was Berg.
Yeah, I think it's Berg. Okay, I'm going to figure it out.
I will go down the rabbit hole like I have never gone down a rabbit hole before. Don't forget this one.
I'm really good at searching on the internet. Sorry things didn't work out for you, Vicki, as far connection good luck on finals thank you Chuck thanks a lot he can't look like Ralph Macchio he does like a fat Ralph Macchio thanks for a lot.
Yeah, good luck to you. Thank you.
We're going to be back with another couple in just a minute. Good luck to you and all your lying.
Oh, that was weird. Wow, that was the strangest.
I have to say, hands down, that was the strangest love connection. I've never seen anything like that.
Yeah, that we've ever seen, where two people who went on the same date do not tell the same story. All right.
We'll get to the bottom of it. No, we didn't.
No, we didn't. We had music and drinks.
There was no music. We went to a nice dinner.
We had ice cream sandwiches at the bus station. Jack hole.
Oh, my God. let's hope our boy brad has lived as long as these parrots do and we can still find him he's still out there because I desperately want to know what happened to this guy we will follow up on Brad Brandenberger or Brandenberg whatever his fucking name is I'll follow up on it Brad and Vicky I'm going to investigate there's got to be some more information about these two human beings.
And if I can, I will get Vicky on the show. Because I don't want to hear Brad's side of the story.
I couldn't handle him. He's just going to take up all our air time trying to just talk, talk, talk, talk.
I want to know where he is. There's only one talker on this show, and that's me.
You want your own show? Brad, go find it. Alright,.
Hey, TCB podcast.com. That's where you can get your free 21 EPM sticker.
Ejaculations per month. It sounds like Brad needs to have a little release there.
So you'll either get a 21 EPM sticker or our next sticker. It depends if we are, if we still have any more of these left.
So go quick, hit the contact us button, give us your physical address at tcbpodcast.com

and we'll send you a sticker as soon as we can.

Also, the entire catalog is up there, audio and video.

Except for the first few, right?

Except for the first few episodes, yeah.

Well, I say the entire accessible,

the entire public catalog is there.

Someday we may release the first few, but probably not. It was bad.
And you don't want to hear it. I'm wasting your time.
All right, there you have it. One of my personal favorite episodes.
It was one of my favorites to actually do. Sitting here in the room, I found this all to be very funny.
And having been a big fan of breaking down Love Connection videos for the entirety of our time here on the commercial break i think this ranks number two with what the fuck chuck being number one of course well i really appreciate you giving me a break so i can take a break even though i didn't take a break because i had to come here and do this episode of the commercial break you get the picture the wheel never stops turning i am simply a hamster spinning my legs as fast as they will go. Nor rain, nor sleet, nor snow, and all that jazz.
All right. At the expense of repeating ourselves a million different ways, do us a favor.
Please do follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break. I would love to hear from you via text message or voicemail at 212-433-3TCB.
That's 212-433-3822. Hit us up with your questions, comments, concerns, content ideas.
We would love to hear all of that. And if you want to be on the next episode of the commercial break, or maybe not the next episode of the commercial break, but a episode of the commercial break, leave us a voicemail or send us a text message and tell us what you want to talk about.
You can also drop us an email at tcbpodcast.com. Hit the contact us button, drop us a line on why you'd like to jump on the show or get your free swag by hitting the dropdown menu that says, I want my free sticker.
Give us your address and we will send you one. Plus the one and only place to see all of our episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio feed is youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.
Subscribe, like, comment on your favorite video. You've been to YouTube.
You know what to do. And let me move backwards one second.
You can also get the audio and the video on the website if you're that kind of person, if you're like URL-ing it. But URL-ing it is so 2010.

Just open the app on your phone and, you know, dial us up.

You know how to do it.

Oh, and one more thing.

Sharing is caring.

The best way that you can help out the commercial break, your good friends Brian and Chrissy,

is to share the show.

Tell a neighbor.

Phone a friend.

You hate your in-laws?

Send them the commercial break. Tell them that's what your husband has been listening to.
It's fun for the whole family, I guarantee. All right, well, there's no Chrissy here today, but I'll tell you I love you.
I'll say best to you, and then collectively we'll say best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, I will say, I do say, and I must say, I'm going the fuck to bed.
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