TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation

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Speaker 3 This episode is sponsored by 5-Hour Energy.

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Speaker 20 Well, I start the day with a good hot breakfast, porridge, eggs, and bacon, and a drop of whiskey and tea. You can defy the virus there.

Speaker 22 Ah, very good.

Speaker 23 What about you, madam? I believe in a good breakfast, but I also believe if you have got the flu, rinse your inside out with continually with boiled water, about four or five half-pint glasses a day.

Speaker 23 Boiled water

Speaker 24 On this episode of the Commercial Break.

Speaker 27 You know, as one of the top comedy podcasts in the bottom half of the comedy charts, it causes the entire podcast universe a lot of ajita when we don't push out fresh episodes.

Speaker 29 So you can understand the precarious position that I'm in, having received my annual visit from Atlanta's fifth fake spring.

Speaker 31 Just like taxes, dental cleaning, and that twice a year you have sex with your spouse, I have received my annual visit from Uncle Flu and his ex-wife sinus infection.

Speaker 27 So unfortunately for all those who are paying attention, the commercial break does not have a new episode to fluff your feathers and tickle your tallywhacker today.

Speaker 29 But fear not, my little minions, we're gonna do what every other prestigious podcast would do in a situation just like this.

Speaker 29 Rehash the intro and outro, throw one of the mediocre past episodes in the middle, and give it a catchy name like TCB Classic.

Speaker 8 And what's on the menu for today's TCB Classic, you may ask?

Speaker 27 We're gonna re-listen to our good friend, Brad Van Bustation.

Speaker 27 Ah yes, Brad, the venerable Love Connection contestant who touched our hearts and made us nauseous by bringing his date to the local Greyhound station because urine-stained metal benches, the smell of body odor, and vending machine junk food for dinner has never ever ever turned a woman off.

Speaker 39 Not in my experience anyway, and certainly not in Brad's experience.

Speaker 27 We fell instantly in love with this episode of The Love Connection, and I hope over time you will find a way to forgive me and my swollen tonsils for rubbing your ears the wrong way.

Speaker 15 Not once, but twice with this TCB classic.

Speaker 29 All right, enough talking.

Speaker 15 I'm going to go down a bottle of Nyquil and hallucinate my way through an episode of Teletubbies with my kids.

Speaker 29 We'll be back next week with a special guest, Kathleen Madigan, on Tuesday.

Speaker 15 And I promise you, some piping hot episodes of the Commercial Break.

Speaker 41 Bye.

Speaker 24 The next episode of The Commercial Break.

Speaker 37 starts now.

Speaker 37 The party in the morning!

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah, Cassikins, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green.

Speaker 43 This is my dear friend and co-host, the beautiful Kristen Joy Odley.

Speaker 38 Best to you, Chrissy.

Speaker 44 And best to you, Brian.

Speaker 42 And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Speaker 45 I just read, and I sure as shit hope this is not my fate, but I just read that the oldest dog in the world turned 31 years old.

Speaker 51 Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

Speaker 53 I know oftentimes that, you know, we say nasty things about religion in a pragmatic way, but please, God, don't let Blue live to 31 years old.

Speaker 54 23.

Speaker 45 23. I'm good with 23.

Speaker 55 31 years old.

Speaker 38 Wow, that's a long time. That's like 150 years old and dog years.

Speaker 56 It's a Labrador.

Speaker 38 Oh, yeah. Good old lab.

Speaker 47 31 years old.

Speaker 53 Can you believe that?

Speaker 58 That's a long time. My cat lived until she was 22.

Speaker 38 Not that. That's a long time.

Speaker 44 Cats can live until their 20s, right?

Speaker 49 They can live longer.

Speaker 58 Well, no, it's not normal, but.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 61 I just, you know, I, I like,

Speaker 63 I think I told this story one time.

Speaker 64 We were living downtown.

Speaker 63 I was living with my ex-wife. We lived in this house, and across the way was a duplex.

Speaker 39 And the duplex was like set way off the street.

Speaker 37 I remember that.

Speaker 35 Do you remember that?

Speaker 66 Okay, there's a duplex.

Speaker 63 Yeah, because we spent a lot of nights on that porch

Speaker 63 shrinking and God knows what else ourselves to death.

Speaker 68 Dancing.

Speaker 65 Dancing.

Speaker 54 God bless the neighbors.

Speaker 53 And that, remember, I had that one super old neighbor next door, and then I had that young couple who I believe were Mormon next to us on the other side.

Speaker 38 Perfect.

Speaker 53 And so they got married in their backyard.

Speaker 36 And I had

Speaker 57 two dogs at the time.

Speaker 63 I had Bots and Winnie.

Speaker 65 And so they were really well-behaved dogs.

Speaker 68 They were. They were sweet.

Speaker 54 They were very sweet. They didn't bark a lot.

Speaker 72 I mean, you heard a bark out of Bots once a day, maybe.

Speaker 71 And it was because someone was knocking on the front door.

Speaker 53 But anyway, we had a fenced in backyard.

Speaker 71 We had the Mormons living next to us and they got married.

Speaker 56 We saw them setting up on a Friday and for a Saturday wedding.

Speaker 53 And so they were never particularly like talkative with us.

Speaker 45 And I can understand why is because we were like a den of iniquities over there.

Speaker 53 It's cocaine, beer, and getting debauchery going on 24 hours a day.

Speaker 65 But we were over,

Speaker 55 I was in the backyard, and I was over near the fence with the dogs.

Speaker 14 And I hear this

Speaker 74 on the fence.

Speaker 49 Hello?

Speaker 55 Hey, what's going on, man? What you setting up for over there?

Speaker 65 We're actually getting married.

Speaker 73 Oh, wow.

Speaker 55 Congratulations. You're getting married in your backyard?

Speaker 53 Yeah, yeah, we're just gonna have some friends and some family over, and we're getting married, and it's happening tomorrow.

Speaker 55 Could you do me a favor? Sure, no problem.

Speaker 63 What you need?

Speaker 62 Can you, can we, can you keep it down between like 12 and 3 in the afternoon?

Speaker 53 And I was like, keep it down?

Speaker 55 And he's like, Yeah, you know, sometimes I know you guys like to, you know, play loud music and party and stuff. And the dogs are back there sniffing around and jingling, jangling.

Speaker 55 Could you just kind of keep it down between 12 and 3?

Speaker 60 In the afternoon.

Speaker 14 And I was like, sure.

Speaker 53 No problem, dude.

Speaker 30 Guess what I did?

Speaker 26 I let the dogs in the backyard for the entire time.

Speaker 38 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 66 I didn't.

Speaker 40 Anyway, had this big long driveway going to this duplex right across the street from us.

Speaker 61 And they had a fucking parrot. Not, oh,

Speaker 63 not a cockatoo, not one of those little small birds that dies in three months.

Speaker 74 A parrot, an actual parrot.

Speaker 45 I forget what you call them. They're like cockatoos.

Speaker 67 Is that what it is?

Speaker 59 Is it a cockatoo?

Speaker 58 I mean, I think a parrot's a parrot and a cockatoo's a cockatoo.

Speaker 45 I know, but there's like one of them is a pet and one of them is not.

Speaker 53 Is a cockatoo the one on the Fruit Loops box?

Speaker 38 And then a parrot. That's a toucan.

Speaker 67 That's a toucan. Toucan Sam.

Speaker 74 Toucan Sam. That's right.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 53 Whatever kind of bird these people had. I don't know.

Speaker 63 I'm not a bird expert.

Speaker 58 No, I grew up, well, when I was younger, there was a friend of mine that his family had birds. Yeah.
Like three of them. Parrots?

Speaker 60 So I would go in there, yeah, and they would talk. Yeah.
And they would say things.

Speaker 58 Bite your finger off too if you fucking get in their way i didn't try and get into the cages so so i

Speaker 47 so they had this parrot and that parrot you could be at the you could be in the back of my house in the very back of my house in a shower with the water running and the music playing and still hear that fucking parrot from across the street and they kept it outside i can only imagine because it was even too noisy for them to have inside of the house they kept it outside oh most of the time they kept it outside

Speaker 38 What about with weather?

Speaker 78 Don't fuck yourself. Don't fuck yourself.

Speaker 53 I don't know.

Speaker 70 Well, they had a screened importance.

Speaker 38 Oh, oh, okay.

Speaker 53 So this went on for two years.

Speaker 57 Two years.

Speaker 45 Until one day I get a knock at the door.

Speaker 63 And I go and I look and it's this kind of scraggly guy.

Speaker 50 He's got his shirt off. He's very skinny.

Speaker 63 He's like got, you know, the jeans on with the belt like cinched way tight.

Speaker 50 Obviously,

Speaker 45 obviously he's doing drugs.

Speaker 26 That's all I can say.

Speaker 45 Obviously he's doing drugs.

Speaker 71 I can only imagine making Mountain Dew crystal meth in the backyard or whatever.

Speaker 53 I don't know, but he looks whacked out and he looks totally fucked up. And I have never, ever in my entire, I was there for like eight years.

Speaker 77 I had never seen the neighbors.

Speaker 74 I had only heard the parrot.

Speaker 65 So I opened the door.

Speaker 38 Hello? Hi, man.

Speaker 31 I'm Dale from across the street.

Speaker 61 And I'm like, oh, hey, Dale, nice to meet you.

Speaker 39 I didn't extend my hand to shake it because I was afraid of where his hand hand had been.

Speaker 55 And I was like, hey, man, it's nice to meet you.

Speaker 79 Yeah, man, listen, I got to move out of the house in like three days. And I was wondering if you could take my pet bird just maybe for a month and I'll come back and get it.

Speaker 67 And I'm like, no,

Speaker 71 I got dogs and people I care about and eardrums that I'd like to keep.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 70 I was like, I go, hey, Dale.

Speaker 34 I have eardrums.

Speaker 45 I have eardrums.

Speaker 75 I'm not going to take your fucking parrot.

Speaker 45 So I go, hey, man, I appreciate that you need a place for the bird to stay, but I don't think my house is the right place.

Speaker 71 I got two dogs.

Speaker 82 Check with the Mormons.

Speaker 64 Yeah, check with the Mormons.

Speaker 54 They love loud noises.

Speaker 33 I said, listen, I can understand, but

Speaker 45 you also got to understand my situation.

Speaker 40 I got two dogs.

Speaker 39 I just got a divorce.

Speaker 61 I'm mainly drunk all the time.

Speaker 71 It's highly likely that parrot's going to get into some kind of narcotics that's going to kill it.

Speaker 64 You don't want me taking care of your parrot.

Speaker 71 I can barely take care of myself.

Speaker 33 You don't want the parrot involved in the whole situation.

Speaker 45 And so he stood out there for a few minutes trying to convince me of the parrot.

Speaker 79 You see, the thing is, when I bought a parrot, I didn't know it was going to live 150 years, and now I got to find somebody to take it a long time.

Speaker 60 They live a long time.

Speaker 53 Yeah, and now there's a bunch of people, like pet lovers, animal lovers, who are running out trying to find people who have these parrots and getting them to sign agreements that gives a chain of custody for when and if they die.

Speaker 63 Because apparently a big problem is

Speaker 39 they take them to the vet or somebody dies, they take them to the local veterinarian or whatever.

Speaker 71 You know, they try and give them to the dog pound.

Speaker 72 Why the dog pound would take a parrot, I don't know.

Speaker 62 But then the dog, then the birds end up getting euthanized because there's nothing else they can do with them, right?

Speaker 61 And they're really hard to home because you really

Speaker 55 have to know what the fuck you're doing when you have a parrot.

Speaker 58 I can imagine there's not a lot of demand at the local shelter for parrots.

Speaker 74 No, unless you're dialed from across the street.

Speaker 55 I swear to God, this guy, I mean, this guy was a worker.

Speaker 39 He had his toafs and everything.

Speaker 71 He had the whole tofu and all of it.

Speaker 84 Hey, man, I appreciate it. Listen, if you know of anybody, just come over, let me know.

Speaker 63 I give you my phone number if you want.

Speaker 38 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 71 I know where to find you for the next couple of days.

Speaker 75 I'll call your people.

Speaker 26 My people will call your people if we find a place to rehome your fucking parent.

Speaker 34 Keep it for a month.

Speaker 62 Keep it for a month.

Speaker 53 That's what he asked me. Keep it for a month.

Speaker 84 Keep it outside. Doesn't really matter.

Speaker 63 It's used to being outside.

Speaker 34 It's probably why it's squawking all the time because it's fucking cold, hot, rainy, wet, hungry, needs water.

Speaker 62 So I know that these parrots.

Speaker 55 So then I was dating this girl one time.

Speaker 63 She lived down in her dad lived down in Florida. We went out there one time.

Speaker 40 I think it told this story.

Speaker 63 Ended up sleeping on like an air mattress in the office of this house because I was just trying to be respectful of the fact that most parents don't want you sleeping with their daughter in their, don't want you going to pound town on their daughter in their house when you're not married.

Speaker 69 I was just trying to, I was just being a good, you know, gentleman.

Speaker 57 Sport. Good sport.
Yeah.

Speaker 72 I'll fuck her when you're sleeping and I'll come slink back to the bed later, which I did.

Speaker 80 So,

Speaker 65 so he had

Speaker 50 like three parrots and he loved these birds, but the birds would attack anybody who tried to get near them, except for him.

Speaker 45 So everybody else in the house was just scared shitless of these birds that were literally in the house.

Speaker 36 And so everyone wore...

Speaker 34 Were they born in a cage or anything? They were in a cage.

Speaker 54 All three of them were in a cage, like a series of cages.

Speaker 36 Like a whole wall was dedicated to these birds.

Speaker 45 And so they warned me: first thing going to come in, don't stick your fingers anywhere near that. You know, the birds, they don't like people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 38 Like, you're going to go and stick your finger. Hey, birdie, birdie.

Speaker 89 Hey, birdie, birdie.

Speaker 28 So,

Speaker 38 oh, there goes your finger. Yeah.

Speaker 75 Because they will take off your finger.

Speaker 57 So, over the course of a day or two, I started staring at this one parrot.

Speaker 63 Like, we started communicating, mind-melding, right?

Speaker 40 And eventually, the guy, I said, Hey, you know, do you ever take these things out?

Speaker 63 And he's like, Yeah, I do, but usually not when people are, strange people are around because I'm telling you, these birds, they just don't like other people.

Speaker 63 And I don't want unpredictable behavior when I'm that I can't control.

Speaker 45 And he goes, But if you want me to, I'll take it out.

Speaker 71 I kind of put it on my shoulder, and you can, whatever.

Speaker 45 So, he puts on the shoulder.

Speaker 38 An eye patch.

Speaker 67 Yeah, what's that?

Speaker 43 He was

Speaker 38 this was in Tampa, Florida.

Speaker 58 I'll put on my eye patch. Yeah,

Speaker 34 my My bird's on the bird.

Speaker 65 I'll put on my best matey so he knows I'm a friend.

Speaker 70 A friend indeed is a friend indeed, parity.

Speaker 53 Come hop over onto my shoulder and poke out my eyeball.

Speaker 56 So he takes out the bird.

Speaker 45 He puts it on, you know, he's on his like, his

Speaker 73 forehand. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 82 I've seen them do that.

Speaker 11 And the bird hops toward me, like hops toward me.

Speaker 45 It was like tries to get off his little thing and hops toward him, but the wings are clipped, right?

Speaker 71 So he can't fly.

Speaker 76 So he just kind of like

Speaker 38 this.

Speaker 55 And I was like, oh shit, he's going to attack me.

Speaker 77 And he's like, wow, I've never seen him do that before, you know?

Speaker 63 And the bird is like,

Speaker 75 so

Speaker 71 put the bird back in the cage.

Speaker 54 I felt like that was maybe a sign that he didn't like me and I needed to stay away.

Speaker 77 Go to sleep on the mattress in the office the next day. It's got two of these like French doors that you can just kind of push open, the pop, you know, little poppy French doors.
So I'm sleeping,

Speaker 14 and all of a sudden I hear

Speaker 77 like this word and I can hear on the, on the, on the floor.

Speaker 74 And I'm like, I'm kind of waking up out of sleep. I'm like, what is that?

Speaker 73 I turn my head and the fucking parrot is right there.

Speaker 35 Oh, my God. And I'm like,

Speaker 37 the parrot, the murder parrot, the murder parrot is right next to me.

Speaker 43 What am I going to do?

Speaker 85 But that bird didn't do a thing.

Speaker 77 It bounced close to me and it started like nudging me with its nose.

Speaker 38 It was like, like, oh my God.

Speaker 62 Like this. It liked me.

Speaker 34 It actually liked me.

Speaker 93 And so I was like, wow, murder parrot likes me.

Speaker 45 And I swear to God, that was my first visit there.

Speaker 33 And we became the best of friends.

Speaker 74 Like anytime I would go, the murder parrot.

Speaker 93 And the parrot?

Speaker 45 The murder parrot would sit on my shoulder and it would like, it would nudge my face and be like this.

Speaker 63 Yeah, it loved me.

Speaker 55 So who knows?

Speaker 56 Maybe I should have taken the parrot.

Speaker 66 Maybe it was better than Dale.

Speaker 55 I just can't commit to anything.

Speaker 57 I could barely commit to, you know, a full day's work, let alone

Speaker 40 the murder murder parrot.

Speaker 65 Oh my God. You know, two birds of a feather.

Speaker 38 What do they say? Birds of a feather flock together.

Speaker 54 Isn't that the right way to say it?

Speaker 37 You and the parrot.

Speaker 45 Speaking of birds of a feather that flock together, I don't even know how we got involved in this conversation.

Speaker 71 The world's oldest dog.

Speaker 66 Oh, right.

Speaker 75 Sometimes I have to think about where we were before, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 44 The circle.

Speaker 71 This is like, I thought about a new tagline for the show that I actually might put up there.

Speaker 53 Feel free to go down the rabbit hole.

Speaker 66 We'll throw you a ladder.

Speaker 38 That's true.

Speaker 94 We'll help you back out.

Speaker 71 Yeah, we'll help you back out. That's right.

Speaker 30 All right. This seems like as good a place as any to take a break.

Speaker 15 Why don't you listen to Rachel give you some information about how to get in touch with us?

Speaker 30 And I'll do some extremely gross netty potting. And maybe I'll sound like half a human in this next break.

Speaker 95 Rachel here. While Brian takes his old man Bladder to the little boys' room, let's talk turkey.
TCB needs your help. If you love the show, do us all a favor and share.
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Speaker 95 And we know you care, don't you? Do you want to be on the show? Leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3822. And you could be the next TCB disembodied voice.

Speaker 96 Ooh, what'd you do today?

Speaker 95 I was a disembodied voice. You know, that sounds more dangerous than it actually is.
Find us on Insta at thecommercial break, on the web at tcbpodcast.com.

Speaker 95 And all the episodes on video are available the same day at youtube.com slash the commercial break i'm gonna go help brian get back up the stairs while you listen to the sponsors and then we'll all meet back here and get back to this episode of the commercial break i'll take a raise now bitches bye

Speaker 13 This episode is sponsored by our longtime sponsor, Squarespace.

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Speaker 98 This is Free Range with Von Miller, the podcast where I step outside the lines and I take you with me.

Speaker 98 Each week, we're talking everything from the biggest stories around the league to the biggest stories off the field. This isn't your average sports podcast.

Speaker 98 This is game meets culture, locker room meets living room, and no topic is off limits.

Speaker 98 So if you're into good conversations that ruffle a few feathers, join me every Wednesday and follow Free Range with Von Miller everywhere you get your podcast.

Speaker 19 This episode is sponsored in part by Rula.

Speaker 17 You know, there was a time time when I really needed therapy, but I could not find a therapist who took my insurance.

Speaker 17 I can remember feeling so stuck, like I had to choose between getting help and staying on budget.

Speaker 7 That's why I think what Rula is doing is so very important.

Speaker 19 Rula makes therapy accessible and affordable by partnering with over 100 insurance plans.

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Speaker 18 Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance.

Speaker 10 Visit rula.com/slash commercial to get started.

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Speaker 2 Please support the commercial break and let them know we sent you.

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Speaker 17 You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget.

Speaker 55 Speaking of two birds of a feather that flock together, fall in love, you know, Chrissy, we love our dating shows around here.

Speaker 85 We've reviewed so many of them.

Speaker 55 I can't even remember all the names, but one of the ones that sticks with us, two of the ones that stick with me, are Blind Date, which we just reviewed a couple episodes ago.

Speaker 63 And what I really would love to do is I'd love to review another Love Connection episode as we get into the thick of summer and you know we take off for our vacations and everyone's chilling out and relaxing I thought we'd do something easy I thought we'd not yell and scream about religion today and we'd simply take it easy settle down and do a little love connection something we can all agree on is that love connection was the very first OG dating game it was the the it was the og tinder it's the very first tinder true you take a look at pictures and a little bit of information about somebody and then you make a decision about who you want to go out with You meet up with them, you bang real quick, and then you ghost them.

Speaker 55 That's how it works.

Speaker 67 That's how it always works.

Speaker 58 You show a little knee.

Speaker 65 Yeah, you show a little knee.

Speaker 65 You show a little knee.

Speaker 45 Maybe you get, maybe you get a knee job.

Speaker 69 And then you move on.

Speaker 38 A knee job. Knee job.

Speaker 65 You mind if I...

Speaker 65 I know you don't want to take the bird.

Speaker 79 You mind if I fuck your knee? Can I fuck your knee real quick?

Speaker 84 I don't know. I just like fucking knees.

Speaker 64 I just, ever since I've been on this vendor, I feel like knees are really sexy.

Speaker 55 I'll fuck the back of it.

Speaker 63 That way you don't have any jizz on your front.

Speaker 58 But you'll have the knee sweat.

Speaker 55 Yeah, I got the knee sweat.

Speaker 56 Let me put some KY back there and I'll...

Speaker 65 Nothing like a knee fuck.

Speaker 38 Nothing like a knee fuck.

Speaker 64 I wonder how many people have knee fucked.

Speaker 71 You know what's happened.

Speaker 33 Probably.

Speaker 57 You know there's some douchebag out there that was like, let me fuck the back of your knee.

Speaker 58 People have strange fetishes.

Speaker 67 People do have strange fetishes.

Speaker 58 We've also reviewed, too. Maybe you should look into that.

Speaker 71 Listen, I know that Rachel and I have talked about this multiple times.

Speaker 33 When you get that smell, when somebody has that smell,

Speaker 63 you literally want to chop them up and eat them.

Speaker 69 You literally, it's like a baby.

Speaker 39 It's like a baby or a puppy breath.

Speaker 63 It's like you want to eat their face.

Speaker 71 And maybe, maybe, even though I would never had to, but maybe I would have fucked the knee had someone said, you can only fuck my knee.

Speaker 68 I would have been like, I'll fuck your knee.

Speaker 38 That's not a problem. I can fuck your knee.

Speaker 68 Or can I just hump the bed right next to you?

Speaker 82 There is that.

Speaker 67 Maybe we can whack off together the second you walk in the door.

Speaker 71 By the way, someone who knows that girl reached out to me after I told that story on air. Yes, they did.

Speaker 72 And so I'm really sorry I told that story on air, but she did ask me to whack off right in front of her the second I walked in the door.

Speaker 49 It's not, it's not true.

Speaker 76 What did we say?

Speaker 99 I've got days and days of content.

Speaker 26 What do you want me to do?

Speaker 41 I got to fill it up.

Speaker 56 I'm now contractually committed to a thousand episodes or whatever the fuck it is.

Speaker 65 I got it.

Speaker 55 And it's the only thing I know is my own life.

Speaker 61 So I didn't say any names.

Speaker 64 No one's going to know except for that one person who did know.

Speaker 83 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 38 Okay, just checking.

Speaker 55 All right. So without further ado, I was trolling on the internet.

Speaker 38 As you do.

Speaker 50 As I do do.

Speaker 55 And I found an old episode of Love Connection.

Speaker 74 And I mean an old episode of the Love Connection.

Speaker 63 This is from 1983.

Speaker 38 What the fuck, Chuck?

Speaker 80 What the fuck, Chuck?

Speaker 44 I say that to myself sometimes. I know, I do too.

Speaker 38 All the time.

Speaker 49 Sometimes I'm driving and I'm like, what the fuck, Chuck?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 100 And then, of course, my son goes, what the fuck, Chuck?

Speaker 91 Good job.

Speaker 26 Just don't say that to anybody out loud.

Speaker 61 Keep that in your inside voice.

Speaker 101 Get a compliment anytime he wants to, and he says that his grandma is always trying to fix him up.

Speaker 2 Please welcome Brett.

Speaker 58 I haven't seen that occupying.

Speaker 57 Dancewear sales.

Speaker 67 I have not seen that occupation.

Speaker 39 That is the best occupation I have ever seen.

Speaker 33 And I'd like to know if on LinkedIn, that gives it's one of the options for sales.

Speaker 45 You know, they give you the options.

Speaker 60 Dancewear sales.

Speaker 33 Dancewear sales.

Speaker 45 You know, they don't have an option for podcasting on any of the forms, like government forms you have to fill out where it says, you know, what category of business do you have.

Speaker 53 And when you try and put podcaster,

Speaker 55 it's not even respected enough to have it.

Speaker 68 I bet dancewear sales is there and podcasting is not.

Speaker 37 Thousand bucks.

Speaker 83 he tripped when he walked out

Speaker 38 poor guy.

Speaker 56 Hey, he's in this is 1983, and he is rocking gym shoes with a full suit.

Speaker 58 Yeah, he's going the Nikes.

Speaker 74 He's going with the Nikes.

Speaker 45 This guy is ahead of his time. Now, this is not the fashion model you would hope.

Speaker 60 He's from home.

Speaker 38 Yes, he's in dancewear sales.

Speaker 45 I wonder if it's dancewear sales like my daughter goes to dance class and she wears a tutu and I'm selling it to you, or dancewear sales like high heels fishnet stockings and garter belts i wonder what kind of dancewear he's into he might tell us yeah i hope so

Speaker 39 that is the worst outfit i've ever seen on a human being

Speaker 44 are those literally corduroy pants they're penstriped something pinstriped corduroy pants nike run shoes gray jacket yellow polo shirt and a haircut that I can only describe as a cereal box.

Speaker 21 I'll try to fix

Speaker 106 My grandma, it's a common practice. She goes.

Speaker 100 Yeah, you got him, Jim. Hey, Julie, come look at Todd.
Todd made him funny on the show.

Speaker 100 Just like I told him.

Speaker 107 Her dresser every Saturday, and she takes her pen and pencil set, and she talks to all the other grandmas about their granddaughters for me.

Speaker 109 Does it usually work out?

Speaker 106 Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers, and I pick the names I want.

Speaker 107 I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of

Speaker 1 cattle.

Speaker 66 This guy is a handful.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 94 What's his name again?

Speaker 87 I don't know. Let's go back.

Speaker 56 Yeah, he seems like a Vinny, but I don't think he's a Vinny. Let's go back and let's see.

Speaker 73 He's Brad.

Speaker 63 Brad Grunberg.

Speaker 88 Grunberg.

Speaker 92 Grunberg.

Speaker 34 You know Grunberg.

Speaker 43 You know Grunberg?

Speaker 100 Hey, you seen Grunberg?

Speaker 99 You seen Grunberg.

Speaker 43 You tell him to get the fuck over here.

Speaker 99 That guy owes me a knee fuck.

Speaker 99 Tell Grunberg, I'm still waiting for that knee fuck.

Speaker 43 I'll get him.

Speaker 70 Fucking asshole.

Speaker 28 Fucking Brad.

Speaker 91 What kind of name is Brad?

Speaker 43 Brad Grunberg.

Speaker 58 He does have the BG initials.

Speaker 93 He does.

Speaker 26 Anybody with the initials BG is doomed to a life of misery and poverty.

Speaker 105 Well, I just want to thank you for that fresh fruit basket in my dressing room.

Speaker 106 My grandma, it's a common practice.

Speaker 107 She goes to the hairdresser every Saturday and she takes her pen and pencil set and she talks to all the other grandmas about their granddaughter.

Speaker 63 Pen and pencil set.

Speaker 82 Well, it's the 80s.

Speaker 71 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 66 You don't have your Blackberry or your iPhone. Nothing.

Speaker 38 Nothing. You had a pen and pencil.

Speaker 55 Hey, can I get your phone number? Sure.

Speaker 91 Write it down on my pen and pencil set.

Speaker 38 It went in her pocketbook. Yeah.

Speaker 26 Do me a favor. Pick a pen or a pencil, any pen or pencil.

Speaker 45 Write it down on a piece of paper.

Speaker 61 I got you.

Speaker 91 roller decks.

Speaker 22 Does it usually work out?

Speaker 106 Well, Nanny brings back all the numbers and I pick the names I want. I call them up, Chuck, but they remind me of last month's cattle for some reason.

Speaker 33 This guy, yeah, this is the kind of guy who tells jokes in front of the mirror to make sure he gets it right.

Speaker 34 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 67 Month's what?

Speaker 33 Which is also, there's another BG in the studio that does that also.

Speaker 106 Cattle, Chuck? They're big girls. Not my style, baby.

Speaker 73 well you're not exactly a slight little guy

Speaker 38 oh chuck if you would have just stayed this chuck if you hadn't grown up and all old and fussy wow

Speaker 82 you're not exactly i was gonna say the same thing is you're like this guy's fit and gem no he's looking for a 10 and he's a four

Speaker 108 how else do you be looking well um i do it many ways but uh the friday night at the temple seems to be pretty good

Speaker 107 yeah there's a dance there, and I probably usually go up there, and we have a good time dancing, but the girl's a little too conservative for a guy like me.

Speaker 34 You know, I'm a Mr. Vegas.
We're 0 for 2 on

Speaker 60 people's ethnicity.

Speaker 54 Well, I thought he was Italian.

Speaker 60 He was Italian, too, but he's Jewish.

Speaker 45 No, he's Jewish.

Speaker 106 Vegas wild type.

Speaker 104 I'm a wild animal guy, you know?

Speaker 113 And that's my style. So

Speaker 106 that's pretty good, but, you know.

Speaker 43 I like to do cocaine off the back of girls' knees.

Speaker 61 You gotta have nice, smooth knees if you know what I'm talking about, Chuck.

Speaker 28 I like to bang a couple of rails and I take a couple shots of Remy Mountain. I get crazy at the Friday night dance.
Don't you worry, Chuck. These girls are in safe hands with me.

Speaker 36 I'm a wild guy.

Speaker 63 I was once, true story, I was supposed to play Bluto

Speaker 28 in Animal House, but I was 12, so I didn't get the puck.

Speaker 106 They want to take me home, but no.

Speaker 21 Well,

Speaker 21 tell me this surefire way of getting compliments.

Speaker 73 It's a temple.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 62 Yeah, but you know.

Speaker 60 Continue.

Speaker 69 I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic.

Speaker 82 Did they want to take him home?

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 56 Yeah, I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic Church, and let me tell you something.

Speaker 38 Take them home to Bang?

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Of course.

Speaker 64 Take them home to Bang or meet mom and dad.

Speaker 38 Break bread.

Speaker 92 You know, the whole thing.

Speaker 102 I'll come at any time you want to. That's what you're saying.

Speaker 106 I'm a B-type guy. I'm also a virgin.

Speaker 21 A B?

Speaker 102 What's a B?

Speaker 74 I'm also a virgin.

Speaker 56 I'm a B-type guy.

Speaker 55 Like, you mean you play on the B team?

Speaker 77 What are you talking about?

Speaker 60 I think he means, like, not type A, but type B.

Speaker 44 Well, I could have guessed that.

Speaker 38 He was throwing a virgin. Yeah.

Speaker 53 Why did he throw in virgin? I don't know.

Speaker 45 I don't know either.

Speaker 53 Not something you would do these days.

Speaker 71 But yeah, I see him as anybody who looks at his outfit can probably tell he's not an A-type personality.

Speaker 39 When you're wearing green pinstaripe pants and a gray shirt with a yellow polo.

Speaker 110 We'll get to the virgin later.

Speaker 114 There's two types of guys.

Speaker 107 There's the A and B.

Speaker 29 You're an A, I'm a B.

Speaker 22 Okay? That's a compliment. Take your word for it.

Speaker 106 Okay. And I'm a B, so I'm a virgin, so I decide that this is the way I'm going to get girls.

Speaker 108 I'll show you, John. Okay.

Speaker 106 Hi, I'm ugly, but I'm a nice guy.

Speaker 104 No, I'm really ugly.

Speaker 108 No, no, no, you're not, Brad.

Speaker 106 You're a good-looking guy. You're cute.

Speaker 107 You're fun to be with.

Speaker 106 No, I'm ugly.

Speaker 108 I'm ugly.

Speaker 104 I'm horrible.

Speaker 110 So you do all of this stuff, and then they come on and say, nah, come on, Brad.

Speaker 45 Wow, sounds like a surefire way to get laid.

Speaker 58 Dikes.

Speaker 92 Hello.

Speaker 31 Hey, it's Brad Grunberg from

Speaker 104 the temple.

Speaker 111 How you doing?

Speaker 89 I'm good.

Speaker 90 You said Brad from the temple?

Speaker 108 Yeah, Brad from the temple.

Speaker 26 My grandma gave me your phone number.

Speaker 67 You know what I'm talking about. Hey, listen, what do you

Speaker 37 want? One to ten.

Speaker 43 What would you give me?

Speaker 55 I don't even know you.

Speaker 93 I'm ugly.

Speaker 52 I'm just telling you. I'm ugly.

Speaker 93 Okay, thanks for the call. No, no, no, no, wait.

Speaker 53 Keep on going for a little while, and then you eventually want to screw me. So I'm really ugly.

Speaker 67 I'm terribly ugly.

Speaker 90 Okay, thanks, Brad from the temple. I gotta go now.
You're scaring me.

Speaker 55 No, no, no, wait. I just want to tell you about my small penis.

Speaker 90 Okay, Brad.

Speaker 65 I have no money.

Speaker 89 Thanks for calling.

Speaker 78 My shoes have a hole in it.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 59 I have zero experience in bed.

Speaker 1 Okay, talk to you later.

Speaker 102 You have anybody say, yes, you're right, Brad, and leave.

Speaker 1 Has that ever happened to you?

Speaker 98 Jeff, many times.

Speaker 1 Many times.

Speaker 106 I mean, we're going to be honest here, yeah.

Speaker 111 But no, no, it's a great, it's a great way, and I meet a lot of girls that way.

Speaker 107 And basically, when I get to that point, I can do basically anything with them.

Speaker 108 Anything.

Speaker 106 Anything. Most anything.
Except have sex.

Speaker 59 Well, right.

Speaker 38 Apparently. Right.

Speaker 21 Yeah, which is probably why you're still virtual.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 101 Similarly, the taste of Brad Saunders remember you're going to vote again, okay?

Speaker 26 Here we go. Why do I feel like Brad went on the love connection?

Speaker 39 Because it was the only way he could get closer to the TV cameras where he desperately wanted to be.

Speaker 63 I bet if we look up Brad Gunberg right now, he's been in 60 movies as like

Speaker 86 an extra. Yeah.

Speaker 91 Google Brad Gunberg on IMDb.

Speaker 69 Grunberger.

Speaker 38 Grunberger? Grunberger?

Speaker 72 I thought it was just Grunberg.

Speaker 37 It's Gunberger?

Speaker 92 Okay. All right.

Speaker 101 There's Donna.

Speaker 102 She's originally from Queens, New York, enjoys photography and working with stained glass.

Speaker 21 Now, she says that she often gets compliments on her eyes.

Speaker 116 Here's Donna's requirements for a man.

Speaker 117 He should have a good, decent job and, you know, an education. And,

Speaker 117 you know, just be wise with, you know, what he does.

Speaker 33 I want you to notice something about this.

Speaker 45 I want to share this with people who are listening.

Speaker 74 On the screen is a nice young lady who's giving her little, Vicki is giving her a little soliloquy here.

Speaker 55 And then in the bottom, there's a picture in picture, a box showing Brad and his reaction to the girl.

Speaker 54 He gets so animated that some TV producer inside of the studio decides to cut the box out because they don't like the way Brad's acting.

Speaker 68 They're like, this guy's obnoxious. Cut him out.

Speaker 49 Watch.

Speaker 117 You know, an education and, you know, just

Speaker 38 cut him out.

Speaker 117 Wise with, you know, what he does with his money. Spend it on me.

Speaker 102 Next thing is, Vicki, her hobbies include playing basketball, baseball, football. She also likes to swim, cook, work out, and go horseback riding.

Speaker 104 Seems like you're going to go to the bottom.

Speaker 50 Wow, Brad and this girl seem perfect fit for each other.

Speaker 63 Brad's...

Speaker 55 Brad only wears tennis shoes with a suit.

Speaker 38 I think so.

Speaker 101 She says her habit is trim gum.

Speaker 114 We'll be in a movie and I'll pop a piece of gum in my mouth just because, you know, I'm hungry or, you know, just because I don't want to ask for popcorn or something. And I'll find myself doing,

Speaker 114 you know, and I just feel so stupid. And then I realize, I go, oh my God, a nice impression that you're making.

Speaker 115 Finally, you watch Gail. She was raised in Kansas.

Speaker 22 She says that.

Speaker 38 Gail looks like she's part of the Duggar.

Speaker 81 Gail is the... Is Gail Duggar?

Speaker 65 Is that a wig on top of her head?

Speaker 70 Is she wearing a wig?

Speaker 89 I don't think so.

Speaker 40 Her hair is two totally different colors.

Speaker 76 It really is.

Speaker 68 Wow, that's crazy.

Speaker 71 Yeah, she definitely looks like a Duggar.

Speaker 102 She spends most of her time taking care of her horse.

Speaker 101 And when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies.

Speaker 116 She hasn't had much luck with her dates recently, and here's one example.

Speaker 119 He started getting really hostile.

Speaker 119 and he's all well you come here and you do this and you you know and i'm all no i don't i do what i want to do you know just go with the flow and um sad to say i punched him what

Speaker 44 that's bizarre

Speaker 76 but they probably

Speaker 62 they probably had a limited selection of who they thought that they could match brad up with yeah they probably had like i would imagine the girls get some say in this is my thought is like hey you're gonna go out with brad they probably had 3 000 girls on video and these are the three that just didn't ever respond.

Speaker 41 So they're like, I have to put them in there.

Speaker 74 They didn't get the message.

Speaker 105 Wow. What an interesting combination.

Speaker 115 Let's take a look at all three of them.

Speaker 101 Again, first there's Donna. She's 25.

Speaker 102 She's a stockbroker's assistant.

Speaker 21 Now, Vicki's an education student. She's 23.

Speaker 102 That's an education student.

Speaker 110 Finally, Gail, she's 24.

Speaker 55 He's an education student.

Speaker 67 A student of education.

Speaker 60 A student of education.

Speaker 44 That's interesting.

Speaker 68 That's like being a business person.

Speaker 86 I'm a person of business.

Speaker 102 Gail's a word processor who has a sideline of boxing.

Speaker 38 Word processor. A word processor?

Speaker 58 Right, before they did it with computers.

Speaker 44 Oh, yeah. I guess so.
I guess.

Speaker 38 What did that entail?

Speaker 67 Processing words?

Speaker 43 I think so. Can you do me a favor and process these words for me?

Speaker 41 I appreciate it.

Speaker 26 I think there's one of those in my head.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 104 Brad, pick one of those ladies as his date.

Speaker 110 Who would you fix him up with now that you know Brad so well?

Speaker 110 Two!

Speaker 100 Two! If you don't pick two, everyone's going to die!

Speaker 115 All right, the audience has made his choice, and Brad's going to tell us who you picked.

Speaker 108 Who'd you pick, Brad? Well, I picked Victoria, Victoria! Victoria!

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 54 Why is Brad so very animated?

Speaker 38 He really is.

Speaker 76 He's making madness.

Speaker 67 I wonder what he's doing.

Speaker 54 Yeah, that fruit basket didn't get used.

Speaker 71 I imagine he was just cutting rails before he came out.

Speaker 115 We're going to just continue all this fun tomorrow because we're out of time. So we're going to f cut it.

Speaker 12 Oh, let's fast forward through the

Speaker 22 our show for today. We'll be back tomorrow with Brad.

Speaker 115 More singles.

Speaker 110 We're going to try to make a love connection right here.

Speaker 21 And I'm Chuck Woolery. Hoping all your dates are good ones tonight.

Speaker 110 See you tomorrow. Bye-bye, everybody.

Speaker 38 Yeah, that's his tagline.

Speaker 69 Hoping all your dates are good tonight.

Speaker 63 How many dates am I going on tonight?

Speaker 41 All of them?

Speaker 38 All of them.

Speaker 65 When I was singles, like, oh, hope all your dates are good this decade.

Speaker 22 Yesterday, he told us which of these three women he chose as his date.

Speaker 21 Today, you'll hear what happened on that date.

Speaker 59 Okay, he stuck up again.

Speaker 67 Yeah, somebody in the production office got a hold of him and said, Hey, dude, you can't wear Nikes, pinstripe pants, yellow shirt, and a gray blazer.

Speaker 63 It's just not a great combination.

Speaker 45 So, today, let's put you in black shoes, black pants,

Speaker 38 gray

Speaker 37 shoots. They look like old Berkin socks.

Speaker 76 Yeah, they kind of do.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Old Berkin socks are those shoes you get when you work at a restaurant and you know you're going to need three pairs a year, so you spend $10 on them at Walmart.

Speaker 83 Been there, done that.

Speaker 108 Doesn't a woman deserve to start out in a 50-50 relationship?

Speaker 106 Not in my ballpark.

Speaker 107 It starts out 75-25, and if they earn.

Speaker 21 75, your favorite 25-hour.

Speaker 106 Of course, always in my favor. And they have to earn the other 25.

Speaker 21 How do they do that?

Speaker 106 Well, they have to earn points by understanding the kind of guy I am.

Speaker 107 And I give them a few brownie points and a few percentage points. But if they don't, I get rid of them.

Speaker 28 Now. I'm the kind of guy that likes to bury people under my porch.

Speaker 52 You got to understand the kind of guy I am.

Speaker 53 It says you're only 25% human right now.

Speaker 70 I'm going to work up.

Speaker 58 I know nothing like starting with 75-25 in my favor.

Speaker 38 Hey, listen.

Speaker 41 Oldly.

Speaker 89 Shut up.

Speaker 94 I thought I'd work myself up to 50-50.

Speaker 38 Oh, listen.

Speaker 71 You're strictly a word processor until you get to 50-50.

Speaker 68 Just process by words.

Speaker 59 What a douche, Cadoozel.

Speaker 107 If they understand that, they do a couple other things special on the side. I'll give them the 25.
We got 50-50.

Speaker 45 What is the special on the side?

Speaker 68 Tickling your balls, tickling your taint?

Speaker 75 What's going on?

Speaker 38 I don't like that.

Speaker 58 Knee stuff.

Speaker 54 This guy is way too animated. I'd love to see where he is today.

Speaker 71 He must have a TikTok channel.

Speaker 74 He can't help himself.

Speaker 21 Brad. I don't know, Brad.

Speaker 48 Let's bring her back.

Speaker 36 I don't know, Brad.

Speaker 70 You're an asshole.

Speaker 49 Exactly.

Speaker 44 He wants to say that.

Speaker 70 Listen, listen. It's simple math.

Speaker 70 Here's how you do it. Women have uteruses.

Speaker 91 Men have penises.

Speaker 91 Uteruses are inside. Penises are outside.

Speaker 53 If you just do the measurements, it's pure. It's just, it's mathematical.

Speaker 65 You equal 75 less than i do that's how it works

Speaker 21 up to date on what happened yesterday now we showed the audience brad's three choices and they voted on which one they thought would be best for him i'm going to take a look at all three of them again today and catch you up first there's donna she enjoys photography and working with stained glass uh donna that was donna vicky her hobbies include playing uh baseball basketball and football

Speaker 93 she likes this guy swear to god we're doing a welfare check yeah welfare check on vicky yeah and gail when she wants to impress a man, she'll bake him cookies.

Speaker 45 Why do I wish it was Gail?

Speaker 60 I think I do too.

Speaker 32 Honestly, listening back to this, it's hard to believe that Brad is an actual human being. He's like a bad AI creature from the lagoon.

Speaker 30 But no, Brad is an actual human being who went on to act in multiple straight-to-video movies, but he did act in movies.

Speaker 15 It was his brother that ended up being quite the character actor in Hollywood.

Speaker 54 And so you got to feel a little bit bad for Brad.

Speaker 61 No,

Speaker 61 no, no, never mind.

Speaker 12 Forget I ever said that.

Speaker 29 All right, let's listen to Rachel tell you what you can do to help us out, and then we'll finish up this episode.

Speaker 12 I'll be back at the end.

Speaker 95 Let me do something Brian has never done.

Speaker 11 Be brief.

Speaker 95 Follow us on Instagram at TheCommercial Break. Text or call us 212-433-3TCB.
That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, tcbpodcast.com, for all the audio, video, and your free sticker.

Speaker 95 Then watch all the videos at youtube.com slash the commercial break. And finally, share the show.
It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian?

Speaker 96 That really wasn't that difficult now, was it?

Speaker 95 You're welcome.

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Speaker 121 Your perfect style is more than a fit. It's a feeling.
When you step into any Maurice's, our stylists are dedicated to helping you find the perfect outfit.

Speaker 121 Because there's no better feeling than looking your best. Shop at one of our 800 800-plus stores or online at Maurices.com for new items arriving daily and holiday flash deals.

Speaker 121 Maurice's, that styled feeling.

Speaker 21 Now, the audience vote was recorded yesterday, and we'll get to that a little bit later on, but right now, Brad's going to tell us who he chose.

Speaker 108 Vicki.

Speaker 110 Who chose Vicki? Here she is. Vicki's backstage.
Let's head over to Vicky Lambie.

Speaker 110 Hi, Vicky. Hi.
Hi, Vicky.

Speaker 58 Hi, Brad. How are you?

Speaker 58 Women had mullets back then.

Speaker 35 Yeah, everybody had a mullet.

Speaker 63 A box top or a mullet?

Speaker 36 One of the two. Cute.

Speaker 102 You're welcome. Just.

Speaker 65 Oh, she said, you look cute. Oh, she likes him?

Speaker 74 Maybe.

Speaker 39 Welfare check on Vicky. Yep.

Speaker 21 Make yourself at home back there, okay?

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 21 All right, Brad. Your moment.

Speaker 107 Well, it all started by 5.30 p.m.

Speaker 106 That's how I started. Start them early.

Speaker 108 Start them early.

Speaker 106 Get to her house. Her mom answers the door.
And we're talking about one sweet woman, a nice lady. We sat down and talked.

Speaker 107 We talked about what she cooked for her husband, where they're going to go this weekend, just a lovely lady.

Speaker 100 And her husband had, Did you touch your kids? That's all we care about

Speaker 108 at home. I would have talked to him too.

Speaker 111 After that, she came, Vicki came out.

Speaker 107 She was looking very nice.

Speaker 21 What did you think of Brad when you saw him, Vicki?

Speaker 114 Well, he was dressed, all right. He was dressed nicely.
He wasn't gorgeous, but he was in.

Speaker 76 Whoa.

Speaker 38 Brad's been rehearsing.

Speaker 26 I know he's been rehearsing this story for for months since they went on the date. He's been trying to figure out how he spins it so he gets a second date, and she comes right out with a ball crusher.

Speaker 89 Well, he's not exactly attractive.

Speaker 21 He's beginning to hyperventilate, I guess.

Speaker 111 Like I said, I am an ugly guy.

Speaker 111 I didn't say that, Brad.

Speaker 107 Well, her body wasn't looking too good either.

Speaker 48 Whoa!

Speaker 41 Brad, Brad, Brad.

Speaker 38 yuck!

Speaker 48 Got it.

Speaker 91 Still 25%.

Speaker 28 I'll show this lady.

Speaker 65 Who does she think she's dealing with?

Speaker 91 I'm Brad Van Brandenburger.

Speaker 91 Yours wasn't looking the best either.

Speaker 104 What?

Speaker 114 I said,

Speaker 114 he told me over the phone that he was about 180. I don't think so, Brad.

Speaker 111 Maybe you're pushing 180.

Speaker 107 Okay, I was 189. And you're sure 150.

Speaker 48 Zinger, I gotta, yada, yada, yada.

Speaker 87 Boom, bam, bing, bang.

Speaker 91 Who does she think she's fucking with?

Speaker 43 I'm Brad Van Bergenberger.

Speaker 43 I'm a virgin.

Speaker 91 I party at the temple, but I'm too crazy for even the temple.

Speaker 28 But I still go on Friday nights.

Speaker 68 I still take my grandma's advice.

Speaker 108 What happened next, Brad?

Speaker 102 Well, as we got, I gave her the roses.

Speaker 106 Now I'm an ugly, but I'm a nice guy. I gave her the roses.

Speaker 102 Did things pick up here a little bit, Vicki?

Speaker 114 No, not really.

Speaker 41 Go, Vicki, go.

Speaker 45 I was worried about you at first.

Speaker 61 Now I know you can handle your own.

Speaker 114 Three favorite phrases of the night. First of all, he called me Babe all night, which I don't know.

Speaker 114 It's just I need to know someone a little longer before they call me Babe, which I kind of found a little bit offensive.

Speaker 38 And second of all, wow, look at Vicki.

Speaker 38 First time.

Speaker 114 He kept doing was he said, the night's stealing diapers. I haven't heard that phrase for a long time.

Speaker 114 In fact, at first I didn't even know what it meant, and I had had to think about the night's still in diapers meaning the night's young.

Speaker 104 And third of them. Oh my god,

Speaker 114 and third of all, all he kept saying was, out of control, we're going to have an out of control time. The night's still in diapers, gay.

Speaker 1 We're going to have an out of control time.

Speaker 38 I'm taking you to Long John Silver's, and then we're going to go to my temple for somebody.

Speaker 38 Hey! Oh!

Speaker 101 I tried.

Speaker 108 After we. Was it out of control?

Speaker 104 For me, it was.

Speaker 105 It was for Shuck.

Speaker 38 Because it was. It was.

Speaker 87 I can't wait to hear that.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 67 I can't wait to go home.

Speaker 107 The bus station.

Speaker 108 Went to the bus station. Yeah.

Speaker 111 Bus station?

Speaker 108 Downtown.

Speaker 21 What did you do at the bus station?

Speaker 81 We went through the doors to say. Bus station?

Speaker 100 What the fuck is this guy doing?

Speaker 112 That is a complete new one.

Speaker 38 I have never.

Speaker 83 I've never been to the bus station on the date.

Speaker 62 Nope. Yep.

Speaker 74 That's I'm running away from the law.

Speaker 56 I stay out of the bus stations.

Speaker 114 The vending machine on the left-hand side had ice cream sandwiches.

Speaker 1 It was a lot of fun.

Speaker 104 He took it.

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 55 He took her to ice cream sandwiches from the vending machine?

Speaker 37 Wow.

Speaker 55 I didn't even know they sold ice cream sandwiches in vending machines.

Speaker 57 I sounded like he was very familiar with it.

Speaker 71 Yeah, it sounds like he knew exactly where to find the ice cream sandwiches.

Speaker 83 Fine, you'll find me at the bus station with ice cream sandwiches.

Speaker 108 What happened next?

Speaker 83 You're not going to ask why you went to the bus station?

Speaker 48 Yeah. Come on.

Speaker 82 It was obviously for the ice cream sandwich.

Speaker 74 Yeah, yeah, ice cream sandwiches.

Speaker 59 But can't you find ice cream sandwiches somewhere else?

Speaker 38 Yeah, just

Speaker 83 get us started the right way.

Speaker 43 Hey, would you like a little appetif?

Speaker 34 A little appetizer?

Speaker 37 A little stata?

Speaker 118 What do you say? We go down to the bus station.

Speaker 38 It's this place called the bus station.

Speaker 112 Oh, is that a new restaurant in town?

Speaker 8 I haven't heard that.

Speaker 62 No, it's the bus station.

Speaker 55 No, no, but it's the best place to get ice cream sandwiches and heroin.

Speaker 68 So let me know.

Speaker 106 The good stuff. A temple on Wilshire Boulevard.

Speaker 22 A temple on Wilshire Boulevard.

Speaker 108 What do you win there?

Speaker 105 Yeah, we went in and started dancing, drinking, and having a good time.

Speaker 33 You took her her to the temple,

Speaker 76 Brad.

Speaker 38 At first, I was curious.

Speaker 112 Now, the temple?

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 36 I was wondering why you were a virgin, but now it's clear.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 87 You've never been outside your house with a female.

Speaker 108 In a temple?

Speaker 106 Yeah, it was a party.

Speaker 107 It was a wedding party.

Speaker 43 It was a wedding party. It was a wedding party, is it?

Speaker 104 Brad, Brad.

Speaker 87 There's the

Speaker 49 Brad's party!

Speaker 103 We're gonna hit up this party, and then can you picture him pulling up the table?

Speaker 92 Yes.

Speaker 38 It's a wedding.

Speaker 31 Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Mrs. and Mr.
Schmidt.

Speaker 91 Hey, it's Brad!

Speaker 1 And Brad.

Speaker 49 He's back.

Speaker 100 I told you not to invite Brad.

Speaker 107 A lady came up to me about a half hour later and says, do you know anybody here?

Speaker 106 I go, isn't this Ron Applebaum's bar mitzvah party?

Speaker 107 No, No, this is the Weiss wedding. We crashed a wedding party.

Speaker 1 Check my temple.

Speaker 38 Check me out. Do you know anybody?

Speaker 34 Do you know anybody here?

Speaker 83 Do you know anybody here?

Speaker 41 Because you're a real asshole and we'd like you to leave.

Speaker 36 I just want to make sure I'm not offending the groom, even though he's the one who asked me to tell you to leave.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 83 This is the cheapest.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Either he's cheap or so sheltered that the only place he goes is to grandma's and the temple.

Speaker 112 And the bus thing.

Speaker 114 See, he must have been with another girl because that never happened.

Speaker 111 We never crashed a wedding.

Speaker 44 He must have been another date.

Speaker 44 No, I'm sorry, Brad.

Speaker 76 Now he's lying?

Speaker 14 He's making it up.

Speaker 50 Who's with wade?

Speaker 85 Why would she lie?

Speaker 45 Is she just embarrassed about crashing a wedding?

Speaker 112 I don't think that she's lying.

Speaker 42 Or did they go to the temple?

Speaker 45 No one was there, and now Brad's making up a story that there was going to be a wedding, but I got kicked out before it happened.

Speaker 111 That's watching.

Speaker 114 He must have been with another girl or something because we never went to a wedding.

Speaker 104 Wait a minute.

Speaker 48 I mean, this is like, this is a huge discrepancy here.

Speaker 76 I mean, yeah, go, Chuck, get after it.

Speaker 22 This is a major thing.

Speaker 21 You're doing the

Speaker 31 really?

Speaker 114 Yes, I'm not lying.

Speaker 104 You didn't go? No, we didn't.

Speaker 114 We passed by and he said it would, you know, he said, it would have been nice if we went.

Speaker 108 Whatever you say, Vicki, we believe you.

Speaker 107 She's lied through her teeth, Chuck. End of story.
Next place.

Speaker 49 Why don't you lying?

Speaker 48 Whoa, Fred.

Speaker 78 Damn.

Speaker 53 Wow.

Speaker 38 I think we found the world's biggest asshole, and I really hope he has a TikTok channel.

Speaker 45 Now, to give him a little bit, a little bit of credit, she could be lying, but you're also the guy who just said in the same sentence, I'm a virgin, and women only count for 25% until they do, then they give me a hand job.

Speaker 106 Okay, we're off to

Speaker 106 a couple, you know, some singing, relax, have a few cocktails, and we're sitting around.

Speaker 107 Good music.

Speaker 106 We left. Time to go to dinner.
Where?

Speaker 106 Hotel on Wilshire.

Speaker 108 Beverly Hillcrest. Okay, so my women right.

Speaker 106 When we asked.

Speaker 114 If my may intervene again, there was no music.

Speaker 107 Here we go again.

Speaker 76 This is bizarre. Wow, this is really strange.

Speaker 42 I had no idea when I downloaded this video that this would get so strange.

Speaker 53 I'm literally fascinated by what happened.

Speaker 69 And I'd like to do a full investigative report here on the commercial break about this date.

Speaker 78 Exactly.

Speaker 35 Hold on one second.

Speaker 77 No, I'm going to write a note to Tina right now because we are going to find.

Speaker 38 What happened with Brad? Yeah.

Speaker 91 Tina, need to do investigation

Speaker 14 on love connection video.

Speaker 61 Love connection date.

Speaker 69 Oh my God.

Speaker 65 I almost never pick up my phone and write things during the middle of this show unless it's a note because I am really fascinated and I would love to see if I could get a hold of this woman and see if she would tell the actual story about what happened with her and Brad.

Speaker 70 Wouldn't that be

Speaker 54 the best thing that ever happened to the commercial break?

Speaker 40 Which is not a high bar to set, but I'm just sharing.

Speaker 40 Out of the plan of the evening.

Speaker 111 Okay, whatever she said. Listen,

Speaker 114 that might have been his plan that there was going to be music, but unfortunately, they were not playing at the time that we were there.

Speaker 110 How did this date end?

Speaker 44 Well, just in their lives.

Speaker 28 Yeah, Chuck's like, I got to get out of here.

Speaker 37 You got to also poor vision.

Speaker 62 In 2023, this would have been the best thing to ever happen to this episode of The Love Connection.

Speaker 47 But in 1983, 30 years, 40 years ago,

Speaker 54 this was not the way that television conducted itself.

Speaker 71 It was very, like, they weren't going to get into a bunch of controversy.

Speaker 54 They just wanted to move on in 15 minutes.

Speaker 35 Yep, yep.

Speaker 87 Well, it went for a couple of hours.

Speaker 73 Wait, what happened?

Speaker 35 Hold on one second.

Speaker 44 Truck that hid it out.

Speaker 111 On the cheek, and she kissed the air over here.

Speaker 49 I was kissing over here.

Speaker 1 I can't.

Speaker 1 What the hell? I'm a nice guy.

Speaker 106 She could have gave me a tap on the cheek so I could tell my friends I got a kiss. But she went on.
She got a a kiss.

Speaker 1 This and that. I'm a nice guy.
Look at a kiss. I spent $100.

Speaker 28 Chuck is over, this guy.

Speaker 68 He's like, get this guy off my stage.

Speaker 67 Yes, he is.

Speaker 22 I just hung on with this all night, but you should bring her out so I can give her a big hug.

Speaker 106 Well, let's take a look and see what the audience speaks for you.

Speaker 83 I think you should keep you two separated so no one gets hurt.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Please,

Speaker 106 please, please. Were they picked you up? Picky.

Speaker 21 No. 47%.

Speaker 48 Oh.

Speaker 39 Yeah, they should have picked the last one.

Speaker 74 That would have been fascinating.

Speaker 67 The girl who punched somebody.

Speaker 49 Yeah, she was close.

Speaker 1 No! No.

Speaker 21 Is it safe to assume that you probably

Speaker 102 would like to go out with Vicki again if we pay for it?

Speaker 106 Chuck,

Speaker 107 Chuck, I'd rather stay a virgin for the rest of my life.

Speaker 122 Well, it looks like you're going to.

Speaker 70 Yeah, you're well on your way, buddy.

Speaker 82 We do have to investigate.

Speaker 60 We are going to investigate.

Speaker 74 Yes, I will investigate this.

Speaker 38 Brad Bumgard

Speaker 8 or something.

Speaker 73 I'll figure it out.

Speaker 93 Brandenburger.

Speaker 68 Brandenburger?

Speaker 103 I said Berger, but maybe it is Berg.

Speaker 36 Oh, yeah, I think it's Berg.

Speaker 55 Okay, I'm going to figure it out.

Speaker 69 I will go down the rabbit hole like I have never gone down a rabbit hole before.

Speaker 74 I'm really good at searching on the internet.

Speaker 21 Sorry things didn't work out for you as far as the love connection.

Speaker 22 I have a nice gift for you.

Speaker 108 Good luck at finals.

Speaker 114 Thanks. Thank you, Chad.

Speaker 22 Excellent.

Speaker 60 He kind of looks like Ralph Macchio.

Speaker 54 He does, like a fat Ralph Mauchio.

Speaker 110 Thanks for coming on this, bro.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 116 Thanks a lot. Yeah, good luck to you.
Thank you.

Speaker 102 We're going to be back with another couple in just a minute.

Speaker 52 Good luck to you and all your lying.

Speaker 27 Oh, that was weird.

Speaker 26 Wow, that was the strangest.

Speaker 14 I have to say, hands down, that was the strangest

Speaker 42 love connection

Speaker 122 dating show that we've ever seen.

Speaker 45 Where two people who went on the same date

Speaker 14 do not tell the same story.

Speaker 42 All right, we'll get to the bottom of it.

Speaker 46 No, we didn't.

Speaker 32 No, we didn't.

Speaker 46 We had music and dreams.

Speaker 38 There was no music.

Speaker 43 We went to a nice dinner.

Speaker 46 We had ice cream sandwiches at the bus station.

Speaker 38 Jack hole.

Speaker 42 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 Let's hope our boy Brad has lived as long as...

Speaker 122 These parrots do and we can still find him.

Speaker 66 He's still out there.

Speaker 124 Because I desperately want to know what happened to this guy.

Speaker 122 We will follow up on Brad Brandenburger or Brandenburg, whatever his fucking name is.

Speaker 65 I'll follow up on it.

Speaker 122 Brad and Vicky, I'm going to investigate. There's got to be some more information about these two human beings.

Speaker 124 And if I can, I will get Vicky on the show.

Speaker 122 Because I don't want to hear Brad's side of the story. I couldn't handle him.
He's just going to take up all our airtime trying to lock, you know, trying to just talk, talk, talk, talk.

Speaker 94 I want to know where he is.

Speaker 122 There's only one talker on this show, and that's me.

Speaker 55 You want your own show, Brad?

Speaker 43 Go find it.

Speaker 49 All right.

Speaker 55 Hey, Hey, tcbpodcast.com.

Speaker 123 That's where you can get your free 21 EPM sticker.

Speaker 14 Ejaculations per month.

Speaker 46 It sounds like Brad needs to have a little release there.

Speaker 77 So you'll either get a 21 EPM sticker or our next sticker.

Speaker 122 It depends if we still have any more of these left.

Speaker 46 So go quick, hit the contact us button, give us your physical address at tcbpodcast.com, and we'll send you a sticker as soon as we can.

Speaker 122 Also, the entire catalog is up there, audio and video.

Speaker 67 Except for the first few episodes.

Speaker 46 Except for the first few episodes, yeah.

Speaker 56 well I say the entire accessible the entire public catalog is there

Speaker 123 someday we may release the first few but probably not it was bad and you don't want to hear it I'm wasting your time

Speaker 25 All right, there you have it. One of my personal favorite episodes.
It was one of my favorites to actually do sitting here in the room. I found this all to be very funny.

Speaker 25 And having been a big fan of breaking down love connection videos for the entirety of our time here on the commercial break, I think this ranks number two with what the chuck being number one of course well i really appreciate you giving me a break so i can take a break even though i didn't take a break because i had to come here and do this episode of the commercial break you get the picture the wheel never stops turning i am simply a hamster spinning my legs as fast as they will go nor rain nor sleet nor snow and all that jazz.

Speaker 25 Alright, at the expense of repeating ourselves a million different ways, do us a favor. Please do follow us on Instagram at thecommercial break.

Speaker 25 I would love to hear from you via text message or voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.
Hit us up with your questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would love to hear all of that.

Speaker 25 And if you want to be on the next episode of the commercial break, or maybe not the next episode of the commercial break, but a episode of the commercial break, leave us a voicemail or send us a text message and tell us what you want to talk about.

Speaker 45 You can also drop us an email at tcbpodcast.com.

Speaker 25 Hit the contact us button, drop us a line on why you'd like to jump on the show or get your free swag by hitting the drop down menu that says, I want my free sticker.

Speaker 25 Give us your address and we will send you one. Plus the one and only place to see all of our episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio feed is youtube.com slash the commercial break.

Speaker 25 Subscribe, like, comment on your favorite video. You've been to YouTube, you know what to do.
And let me move backwards one second.

Speaker 25 You can also get the audio and the video on the website if you're that kind of person, if you're like URLing it.

Speaker 15 But URLing it is so 2010.

Speaker 25 Just open the app on your phone and, you know, dial us up. You know how to do it.
Oh, and one more thing.

Speaker 4 Sharing is caring.

Speaker 25 The best way that you can help out the commercial break, your good friends Brian and Chrissy, is to share the show.

Speaker 27 Tell a neighbor, phone a friend.

Speaker 25 You hate your in-laws, send them the commercial break.

Speaker 15 Tell them that's that's what your husband has been listening to.

Speaker 25 It's fun for the whole family, I guarantee. All right, well, there's no Chrissy here today, but I'll tell you I love you.

Speaker 51 I'll say best to you, and then collectively we'll say best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Speaker 30 Until next time, I will say, I do say, and I must say, I'm going the fuck to bed.

Speaker 120 Bye.

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