In the Field with Rob Cordry

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I didn't think the pain from the shingles rash would affect simple, everyday tasks like bathing, getting dressed, or even walking around.

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Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles, and it could reactivate at any time.

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

A recent survey shows that young people are turning their backs on traditional TV news.

And that worries veteran newsman and beautiful scarf wearer Al Primo.

Teenagers are in their their own world and we want to get them into the real world

because they're the future leaders of the country.

So he decided to do something about it.

Coming up this week on Teen Kids News, he created a news program hosted by kids for kids.

The idea is to get teenagers to watch news.

The theory being that the teenager in the audience seeing another teenager report it, you know, might pay a little closer attention.

A great idea with only one problem.

Cody?

That's right, Moanza.

The show is horrible.

That's it for Teen Kids News this week.

See you next week.

Yeah,

I'm clapping.

But guess what?

I'm clapping slowly.

You know what that means?

What?

It denotes sarcasm, okay?

What was that?

Huh?

I mean, I see enthusiasm, right?

I see youthful vigor.

You know what I don't see?

Anything that's gonna keep me from changing the channel to Monster Garage.

Alright.

We've got a lot of work to do.

We're gonna do it.

Okay?

Alright, let's go!

Alright, I'll go.

I'll just meet you guys.

We had our work cut out for us.

This shows the rankings of teenagers' favorite activities.

Watching the news ranks far down the list between contracting mononucleosis and eating a plate of one's own.

So I worked with the kids for an intense 72-second montage, sharing everything I know about this little thing we like to call the news business.

How to emote.

Did a friend of yours die today?

No.

Then you should smile.

Let's see the smile.

Let's see.

How to project.

Just shoulder in it like, kids news.

I'm punching you with news.

I'm punching you with news.

I'm driving news in your skull.

How to stay relaxed.

Everywhere, not just your mouth, your nose, from every hole you have.

You should know how to breathe.

How to handle an interview.

So let's try this.

My position is that...

Shout out.

Who needs your liberal whining?

The real news given to kids.

See what I'm doing here?

Yeah, I'm nodding, and it looks like I'm listening to you, but I'm not because

I don't care.

That's important when you do the news.

And how to act like a real pro.

Here's your water.

I want lemon.

Louder?

I want lemon!

Good, very good.

Now throw it.

Throw it.

Throw the there.

Throw it.

Where?

Throw it.

And when they got back on the air, Muanza, thanks, Felipe.

They still blew.

Frankly, it made me wonder about Al Primo's level of experience and whether he really deserved that gorgeous producer scarf.

What's your background in the news industry?

I gave Geraldo Rivera his first start in television.

Suddenly, everything was clear.

These poor kids were being trained by a madman.

They needed all the help they could get.

It was time to bring out the big guns.

And our Jack and Jill.

Okay, Proctor, you can actually speed that up a little bit, okay?

I'm not a kid.

A study done in England shows that television had about five violent scenes per hour.

Okay, I can't read that fast.

No one can.

Alright, so just like a normal person.

And finally, John's here with a story of a literary lion who's still something

of a cub.

Yes!

Nailed it!

As the seconds ticked by and the music swelled, I began to truly bond with these kids.

You know what I've heard Shepherd Smith?

Shepherd Smith.

Here's a French horn.

But had they learned anything?

You bet they had.

Lily explains in this week's Work It Reporting.

It's good.

Home run.

As I watched the kids finish the show, I felt a glowing sense of pride.

And I knew that when they got out into the real world of grown-up news, I would f ⁇ ing eat them alive.

For 50 years, cartoonist Charles Schultz brought joy to millions of readers with his characters, The Peanuts.

So this year, St.

Paul, Minnesota decided to honor their native son with a series of art exhibits, including these statues in downtown Rice Park.

Museum curator Bruce Lilly.

Schultz was a philosopher in his own way and in a very unique way.

I think using a comic strip to go beyond just making people laugh.

Everyone loved the Marcy and Peppermint Patty statues.

We feel that as cartoon characters, they really aren't in keeping with the classic nature of the park.

Everyone, that is, but Ruby Hunt.

What cartoon characters would be acceptable?

I don't personally think that any of them would be.

How about Garfield?

What a fat pussy cat.

He was a fat cat.

Not since Nancy's notorious nip slip have comic strip characters caused such controversy.

Ruby is a member of the Ross Group, a gang of particularly old and ornery ladies who fired off a letter of protest to local councilman David Thune.

I received a letter from the Ross Group several weeks ago, more or less demanding that we remove the peanuts sculptures that were in Rice Park.

Wait, what did you call them?

The peanuts statues.

It's actually peanuts.

Isn't that what I said?

Actually, he said this when he meant this.

What did you say when you read the letter?

Let me guess, was it...

Good grief.

Well, the Ross group

really isn't...

I can't wait till I get to be that age so I can worry about that type of crap.

What does Ruby have against Schultz's characters?

Well, you know, I never had the opportunity to read the Peanuts characters when I was growing up.

Peanuts.

Peanuts.

What did I say?

Forget it.

We really didn't want to start a culture warp.

Didn't she?

Perhaps her objection is to the unconventional relationship between Marcy and Peppermint Patty.

Well, they were characters that

shared a love that dare not speak its name.

If you know what I mean.

Yes.

So do you think, does that have anything to do with the fight?

No, I don't believe that has anything to do with the fight.

Ruby says the real reason is that they're not worthy to share the park with this man.

Our group and many others feel that F.

Scott Fitzgerald is a real person

and has done much to focus attention on his literature in St.

Paul.

By the way, which one was Fitzgerald?

Was he the drunk who ran with the Bulls or the drunk from Mississippi?

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know either.

If it's not written by John Grisham, I don't read it.

What about putting a statue of John Grisham in the park?

That'd be nice.

Well, what is John Grisham hasn't done anything for St.

Paul?

Sorry, sometimes I can be a

real blockhead.

Of these sons of St.

Paul, just who leaves a better legacy?

I'm going to list off some quotes.

You tell me, F.

Scott Fitzgerald or Charles M.

Schultz.

Oh, boy.

That's the secret to life.

Replace one worry with another.

Schultz.

Write.

Get out of my dreams, get into my car.

That's got to be Fitzgerald.

Wrong.

Billy Ocean.

As it stands now, the statues will stay in the park, but one question still remains.

My next question

starts as a question and then turns into a statement and then becomes an exclamation and then sort of degenerates into

just random profanity and noises, okay?

Okay.

Why would anyone in their right mind live here?

Because it is fing cold, man.

Damn it, it's cold.

Keeps the river.

Watch!

How

cold it is!

Ow!

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I was wrong.

Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles, and it could reactivate at any time.

I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks.

Don't learn the hard way, like I did.

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today.

Sponsored by GSK.

Thanks, John.

Tonight's Your History focuses on blue against gray, brother against brother.

I'm sorry, Rob.

That's a Civil War, which I thought we actually weren't going to be talking about.

We're not, John.

We're going to talk about a shipwreck that took place a few months after the Civil War, when the nation was still struggling to recover from the Civil War.

Let's go to the Daily Show Globe 2.0.

The place 100 miles off the Georgia coast, the depth 1,700 feet, the time, 1865, a mere 65 years before the rise of Hitler.

That guy is not likable.

But our story concerns the fate of the USS Republic, a side-wheel steamer which sets sail from New York bound for the city of New Orleans.

She's laden with gold to help with the reconstruction of the South.

But the weather started getting rough.

The giant ship was tossed.

If not for the courage of the fearless crew,

well, actually, the Republic was lost,

taking with her over 20,000 gold coins, lost forever until now.

These incredible pictures of the wreck of the Republic were taken by the Odyssey Marine Exploration Salvage Company, a small band of adventure-seeking scientists committed to unlocking the secrets of our shared past.

We hope this should be a big payoff for our shareholders and for the team that's done it.

Of course, he means a payoff of knowledge and understanding of our history, unlocking mysteries.

Wait, these guys don't get to keep the money, do they?

We typically get the lion's share of that because we're the guys that found it.

Son of a bitch!

Yes,

while this money was minted by the U.S.

government to help a region savaged by war, these guys get to keep it

because They have an underwater robot.

Experts estimate the Republic's treasure could be worth more than $180 million.

To put that in an historical perspective, Hitler could have used that money to purchase over 2,000 Panzer IV tanks, the armor-clad demons that overran Europe in that dark year, 1938.

I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief the Third Reich didn't have an underwater robot.

Rob, I don't mean to interrupt.

Why do you keep showing Hitler footage?

It's a story about a 19th century shipwreck.

I'm trying to make history come alive, John.

In fact, let's take a look at that footage again.

There's Hitler.

There's a tank.

So, a war, a storm, a ship.

It all adds up to one blockbuster secret we'll share with you when we come back.

And we're back.

Hidden away amid the rotting timbers, the fortune in gold, and the dashed hopes of a reunited country lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted by Adolf Hitler.

That mystery will be explained on our next episode, Your History, Nazi Time Machine.

Hitler.

For your history, I'm Rob Cordry.

Meet millionaire lunch ladies Kathy Welley and Judy Fea.

They are job hogs.

Why are you being so selfish?

I didn't think it was being selfish.

I love my job.

I really do.

Why does your love feel so much like hate?

They've each just won $2 million in the Minnesota Powerball, and they're keeping their jobs.

Why would I quit my job?

I mean, I love my job.

Because the economy is suffering.

Each year, Powerball winners retire, which makes a significant dent in the 8.8 million jobless in America.

But these ladies take hoggery to the next level.

I have two jobs.

That's right.

This lunch lady is also a bartender, and this lunch lady, a bus driver.

Kathy took me for a joyride in her pimped-out stretched school bus, complete with decadent side-view mirror and rotating fan.

Given the amount of money you want, how many bottles of beer would you say you have on the wall right now?

99.

And if one of those bottles should happen to fall,

it would be easily replaceable because you're filthy rich.

Right.

I got this one, Kathy.

Hey, learn to freaking drive, you meatball!

I tried to talk some sense into them.

When the great actor and philanthropist Steve Gutenberg made enough money in acting, he quit,

leaving room for your Cherry O'Connells.

I hate to say this, but I never heard the guy named before.

Jerry O'Connell.

Kangaroo Jack.

Must be good.

It's just a great, a great time.

He's the fat kid from Stand By Me.

Oh, okay, now I know who you're talking about.

I saw that.

But not everyone is this greedy.

Retired dot-commer Alan Murabayashi lives as an example of how the system is supposed to work.

How much are you worth?

More than $5 million?

Less than $100 million?

He cashed out on a lottery that was known as the Internet Boom.

What do you do for a living?

Most of my days kind of

sitting around the house, looking out the window.

God bless you, sir.

So while Alan has respectfully stepped aside, these ladies are racking up the overtime and partying like they don't work 12-hour days.

There are still plenty of jobs out there in the world.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Pardon me?

I'm calling you Cleopatra, queen of denial.

But someone had to come into money so they could quit their job job and get this economy going.

What?

Marry me.

No, I'm already married.

Kathy, will you marry me?

No.

I'm married already.

Why would I want to get married again?

I don't need love or companionship.

I just need financial support.

Well, this economic recovery was looking bleak.

Or was it?

What's this?

What did you do?

I don't know.

What is this?

I don't know.

Yes.

Pretty good out in the open like that.

Like, I wasn't going to see it.

You jerk.

In light of of the stock market crash and corporate scandals, many are saying that executive compensation has gotten completely out of hand.

For insight, we turn to Daily Show senior corporate analyst Rob Cordry, who's at our dollars and cents desk.

Rob,

we hear about the multi-million dollar salaries, the stock options, the interest-free loans, the corporate jets.

It goes on and on and on.

Are these guys ridiculously overpaid?

No, John?

Well, Rob, only 20 years ago, CEOs were making 40 times what ordinary workers made.

Today, they're making 480 times as much.

Worth every penny, John.

Back to you.

No, Rob, Rob, wait a minute.

Rob,

Rob, Rob.

But

can you at least tell us why they're worth so much money?

Obviously, John, if they're paid 480 times as much, it's because they're 480 times as good.

It's a free market, John.

We're talking about the superstar CEOs, the Michael Jordans, the Tiger Woods, the Serena Williams of the executive world.

Except, of course, not black.

But Rob, we're hearing about CEOs making $20, $50, even $100 million a year.

You're telling me that that's justified.

John.

Running a giant corporation is a brutal job.

Crazy hours.

Huge responsibilities.

It takes its toll.

And a lot of these guys are burnt out by 60.

And John, hell on relationships.

I mean, they become so scarred that their wives and other women their own age lose interest in them, forcing these pathetic souls to find companionship the only place they can.

In the arms of sexually insatiable lingerie models half their age.

But what about all the perks they get, the free flights, the houses?

Yeah, that I don't get either.

I mean, these guys already have more money than they can spend in a hundred lifetimes.

Now you're going to give them a first-class ticket to Europe?

These guys wipe their asses with first-class tickets to Europe.

Now, if you really want to attract the big CEOs, John, you have to offer them things they can't buy with money, like,

I don't know, the power over life and death or something.

Rob, I don't know.

John, John, John, John, hear me out.

All I'm saying is let them take one employee a month from the temple

and have them ritually bathed, anointed with oil, chained to an altar and slaughtered.

Now that, John, that's a CEO perk.

That's horrifying.

John, the Aztecs didn't become a great empire by not casting virgins into volcanoes.

Rob.

That's not the way that we do things.

Okay, okay.

I understand.

Times have changed.

They don't have to be virgins.

All right, thank you, Rob.

That's all the time we're going to do.

Those temps hate their lives anyway, John.

No harm, no fault.

Thank you very much.

Rock Quarterly, everybody.

We'll be right back.

Ethanol, the non-Middle Eastern fuel made from corn.

It's been an alternative source of energy for decades, yet it hasn't caught on.

One Canadian is working hard to change that.

We try to promote the use of ethanol here in Canada to help reduce pollution and create jobs.

We're talking about cleaner fuels and who is in favor of that?

Surprisingly, many Canadians aren't in favor of it.

Ethanol is a total fraud.

I don't see any environmental benefit for ethanol.

I mean, it's made from corn.

You're burning food to make a fuel.

Turning food into fuel, that's like what my tummy does.

Ethanol is nothing but welfare for farmers.

While producing ethanol may not be as efficient as the alternative, strangling a bunch of lizards, burying them in your backyard, waiting 300 million years, then drilling to retrieve the oil, Corey argues that it's good for the environment.

Well, ethanol is an octane enhancer, so it helps to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, which are causing global warming.

Okay, so how does ethanol help things that aren't fictitious?

Global warming's real.

Right, right, of course.

Corey needed a better way to get his message out.

That's when he had a stroke of genius.

A mascot.

Energizer has the bunny.

Christians have Jesus.

And now ethanol has this.

Corncob Bob.

We wanted a mascot that could capture the spirit of ethanol.

Corncob Bob was designed primarily to reach out to children, but ultimately we're trying to reach their parents.

Clever.

I use the same trick with single moms.

You know, learn a couple magic tricks, pull a a coin out of some kids here, and all of a sudden you're Uncle Rob for four to six weeks.

Corey set a strategic date for Corncob Bob's unveiling.

Well, we plan to have them be at Canada Day.

What is Canada Day?

Well, very similar to the 4th of July in the United States.

So is that redundant, celebrating both the 4th of July and Canada Day?

We don't celebrate the 4th of July in Canada.

Well,

love or leave it, pal, okay?

But Canada is a different.

These colors don't run.

If you don't like my driving, go f yourself.

Oh, I think I can put it.

Everything was in place for Corncob Bob's debut.

We were going to hand out balloons, temporary tattoos.

Corncob Bob was going to dance.

But it was not meant to be.

The event sponsor, Shell Canada, banned Corncob Bob from participating in Canada Day.

I was glad that Corncob Bob was booted out.

I think this can all be cleared up with a hug from Corncob Bob.

He's right outside.

Would you like to do that?

I'd rather.

I'd rather.

Oh, Christ.

Hey, Eric told me to tell you to go yourself.

Sorry.

Caught in the fight between the ethanol lobby and the oil industry are the children who were deprived of Corn Cob Bob.

until now?

Girls and boys, corn cob bob!

All right!

Hey kids, who here loves renewable energy?

All right, so do I.

That's why I'd like to tell you about ethanol.

When you add oxygen to gasoline, you get a more complete combustion, and a more complete combustion means fewer bottle organic compounds, which ultimately means what?

Less smog.

Yes, the kids hated corn cob Bob, but it wasn't his fault.

Not even the Philly fanatic could make ethanol fun.

He does a good job of educating people about ethanol.

You son of a bitch!

He's not some circus freak for you to parade around at some carnival.

He has feelings too, or did you not know that?

He's miserable.

Look at him.

He's smiling.

Yeah, because you made him that way.

We were hoping.

We, we, we, we, we.

That's what it's about, isn't it?

We.

Or you, I mean.

The collective we, meaning you and your group, not me.

This world was never going to treat Corncob Bob fairly.

I wanted to show him a better place.

There's going to be kids and furry bunnies.

And there's going to be balloons and temporary tattoos.

They're just right over here.

And I want to see, why why don't you just kneel down?

See the Bob?

I don't see nothing.

It was a bittersweet end for Cornicob Bob.

Sweet in the sense that it was painless.

Bitter because I didn't realize there was a dude in there.

I wanted to get right to it.

You've been covering the ad game for a long time now.

This is sort of the Super Bowl of advertisements.

What's your analysis?

Who was the big winner of last night's advertisements?

You mean which mega corporation was most effective in establishing the lifetime brand loyalties of 10 to 15 year olds?

Well, the answer to that would have to be beer and cars.

But if you ask me, last night's real winner was repressed sexual angst masquerading as humor.

From a romantic courtship scarred by horse flatulence through the agony of a marriage gone sour to the inevitable decay of the body and reliance on pills just to get a heart on.

The Super Bowl is truly the night when the advertising industry takes all of our black, empty yearning and spins it into dreams.

Finding that sweet spot of consumer desire that can only be accessed with the right balance of poop jokes and misogyny.

That's a little dark, Rob.

I mean,

sorry, John, excuse me for not getting as giddy as a schoolgirl at a pony show over Super Bowl advertising.

I guess the fact that it's so horribly corrosive to the human spirit kind of dampens my enthusiasm.

Okay, but I'm...

In terms of commercial trends, did you think anthropomorphism was in the opening?

Okay, I worked on it.

All right.

I worked on this so-called report until really late last night, watching and re-watching these ads until I

sort of blanked out, you know, and drifted into this heightened alpha state,

and my soul felt like it left my body and flew up, up, way, way up, right?

And from this high above, I could see everything.

Like my eyes were opening for the very first time and I saw this whole Super Bowl adfixation for what it is a Symptom of a sick consumer society so in love with its own materialistic corruption that it actually celebrates these slick exhortations to buy, get, and spend ever more.

We are hurting

deep,

deep inside of our hearts, John.

And

then I'm thinking, well, that can't be my report.

So,

let's roll the tape of the the dog biting the guy in the nuts.

So yeah, that's

funny stuff.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Okay, thank you.

Rob was thinking of

moving to Africa, you know, really trying to help people.

Okay, Rob Cordry, that's very interesting.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Do you have any idea what I mean?

Oh?

So they did it.

How they got to you too.

Okay, Rob Corger, everybody.

Meet Greg Cooper, a man with a dream.

I would like to see every house in America with plastic grass.

Plastic grass.

Plastic grass.

My company's called Unreal Lawns.

We install waterless grass.

You might call him today's Johnny Apple Seed.

Had the apples been wax and the seeds made of a space-aged polymer.

I have the greenest lawn in the St.

Pete, Tampa area.

There's no weeding, there's no fertilizing.

It looks like a well-manicured lawn, something that's been pampered every day for two to three years.

So, how much is this gonna run me?

Average lawn is gonna cost you between $10,000 and $15,000.

Sold, I'll take mine in orange.

And I want it to taste like strawberry when I lick it.

It's got that

new grass smell.

Yes, it does.

You know, like action figures.

Right.

And it feels even better.

Wow, it is soft.

It's not like astroturf at all.

Great.

Cool.

Are we cut?

Damn it, it's hot.

Like 100 degrees, man.

But Cooper has to battle the local city council, who worries that plastic grass might affect the natural beauty of the St.

Pete, Tampa area.

And Cooper's neighbors are taking it one step further.

If we are putting plastic lawns down, the terrorists are winning.

Well, I don't like the fact that they're made out of, you know, oil.

They're made out of petroleum.

Wait, are you saying our love of plastic lawns put us in a rack?

Not by itself.

But it's part of it.

Yes.

Cooper's declared a fatwa on the anti-plastic lawn community.

I'd say my detractors are living in the past.

It looks good.

It's good for the environment.

It sure is.

Let's examine the food cycle.

The sun hits the grass, which through photosynthesis creates oxygen.

Cattle breathe that oxygen, and then years later, we eat the cattle.

It takes forever.

However, if we replace real grass with plastic, the sun's rays will bounce off it and directly into our mouths.

Yum.

But the natural grass lobby is sticking with Josephson and his well-reasoned defense.

Plastic lawns will lead to

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

Let me get my quill and parchment out to take this down.

Oh, I left it in my horseless carriage.

No, I love the future.

I just am afraid of the ecosystem being destroyed.

I think there'll be a lot less nature.

Then, you know, eventually it leads to the Matrix and don't want the robots taking over.

And that's again why we don't put plastic lawns down for them to walk on.

Wait,

robots?

His fears are baseless.

As the future unfolds and society crumbles, our houses will be replaced with government re-education pods, where we'll live until the final reckoning.

And then the joke will be on you, ape overlords.

That grass isn't edible.

Is it lonely being a visionary?

No.

Why, because you belong to a visionary club or something?

But one question remains.

What if your dog craps on it?

You can hose it down.

Just hose it down, huh?

I like the sound of that.

I like it enough to take her for a test drive.

I think you missed a spot over there.

Rob Cordrian, Florida.

We'll be right back.

I touch some of it.

I got some of it on me.

This is Tyler Money.

He has a giant head.

While he dreams of being like other 14-year-old boys, he has a giant head.

The large-headed life is not easy.

Kids can be cruel.

They crack some jokes and call me fat head, big head, helium head.

Why helium head?

Is it because your head makes people's voices sound funny?

No, it just looks like some helium's been pumped in my head to make it bigger.

While other boys' heads average 18 inches around, Tyler's measures 26.

When Tyler was born,

or rather,

while Tyler was being born,

How

C-section.

C-section.

Great, great.

Tyler thought if there was a place he could fit in, it was on the high school football field.

But there was one part that didn't fit.

His giant head.

When we started to outfit him with a helmet, The extra large wouldn't even go on top of his head.

You ever think about shaving him down, greasing him up, forcing it in?

Still wouldn't have worked.

The largest head playing in the NFL is an inch smaller in circumference than Tyler's.

Holy

that's big.

Desperate to be like the other boys, Tyler searched beyond regulation equipment,

but no score.

He felt all alone.

a giant head in a little-headed world where everyone else was helmet ready.

Does he even need a helmet?

Because when I was in high school, I didn't wear a helmet.

And I didn't wear one either.

What?

Hmm?

As the football season started, Tyler was desperate to play.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He and his special skull waited for a miracle.

My coach told me, he said, Tyler money, he said, we're gonna...

I'm gonna turn over every rock that there is to be turned to find you a helmet.

Sadly, under most rocks, there are no helmets.

So the townspeople pitched in, raising money for pioneering new surgery.

But the head smallening procedure was ultimately deemed too risky.

Nothing was working.

Tyler was at a loss.

If your head could talk, what would it say?

Get me a helmet.

Get me a helmet.

And why am I so different?

And what's all that curly new hair down there?

Little did Tyler know that somewhere far away, sports equipment experts were working around the clock to create a bigger helmet.

Upon completion, the prototype was sent to Tyler, but kickoff was only an hour away.

Norton, fullback.

Brakes, fullback.

Mini-Me wide receiver.

Tyler.

Yeah.

Tackle.

At last, Tyler felt like every other 14-year-old 6-foot-1, 285-pound freshman.

And the coach got what he wanted, a happy boy.

Get in there for Adco!

He could use as a mindless maiming machine.

Now everyone's a winner, except for the team who lost the game, and the town because they're economically depressed, and the foolish players who tried to lift Tyler up.

But for Tyler and his massive head, dreams really do come true.

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