In the Field with Rob Cordry

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Speaker 4 You're listening to Comedy Central.

Speaker 5 A recent survey shows that young people are turning their backs on traditional TV news.

Speaker 13 And that worries veteran newsman and beautiful scarf wearer Al Primo.

Speaker 14 Teenagers are in their their own world and we want to get them into the real world

Speaker 14 because they're the future leaders of the country.

Speaker 6 So he decided to do something about it.

Speaker 6 Coming up this week on Teen Kids News, he created a news program hosted by kids for kids.

Speaker 14 The idea is to get teenagers to watch news. The theory being that the teenager in the audience seeing another teenager report it, you know, might pay a little closer attention.

Speaker 13 A great idea with only one problem.

Speaker 21 Cody?

Speaker 22 That's right, Moanza.

Speaker 23 The show is horrible.

Speaker 18 That's it for Teen Kids News this week.

Speaker 26 See you next week.

Speaker 24 Yeah,

Speaker 27 I'm clapping.

Speaker 28 But guess what? I'm clapping slowly.

Speaker 29 You know what that means?

Speaker 6 What? It denotes sarcasm, okay?

Speaker 2 What was that?

Speaker 25 Huh?

Speaker 30 I mean, I see enthusiasm, right?

Speaker 6 I see youthful vigor.

Speaker 30 You know what I don't see? Anything that's gonna keep me from changing the channel to Monster Garage.

Speaker 24 Alright.

Speaker 31 We've got a lot of work to do.

Speaker 32 We're gonna do it.

Speaker 11 Okay?

Speaker 11 Alright, let's go!

Speaker 3 Alright, I'll go. I'll just meet you guys.

Speaker 13 We had our work cut out for us.

Speaker 7 This shows the rankings of teenagers' favorite activities.

Speaker 5 Watching the news ranks far down the list between contracting mononucleosis and eating a plate of one's own.

Speaker 6 So I worked with the kids for an intense 72-second montage, sharing everything I know about this little thing we like to call the news business.

Speaker 33 How to emote.

Speaker 19 Did a friend of yours die today?

Speaker 34 No. Then you should smile.

Speaker 35 Let's see the smile. Let's see.

Speaker 36 How to project.

Speaker 37 Just shoulder in it like, kids news.

Speaker 38 I'm punching you with news. I'm punching you with news.

Speaker 19 I'm driving news in your skull.

Speaker 5 How to stay relaxed.

Speaker 31 Everywhere, not just your mouth, your nose, from every hole you have.

Speaker 31 You should know how to breathe.

Speaker 3 How to handle an interview.

Speaker 6 So let's try this.

Speaker 40 My position is that...

Speaker 41 Shout out.

Speaker 26 Who needs your liberal whining?

Speaker 9 The real news given to kids. See what I'm doing here?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I'm nodding, and it looks like I'm listening to you, but I'm not because

Speaker 16 I don't care.

Speaker 31 That's important when you do the news.

Speaker 13 And how to act like a real pro.

Speaker 2 Here's your water.

Speaker 26 I want lemon. Louder?

Speaker 2 I want lemon!

Speaker 31 Good, very good. Now throw it.

Speaker 13 Throw it. Throw the there.
Throw it.

Speaker 34 Where? Throw it.

Speaker 6 And when they got back on the air, Muanza, thanks, Felipe. They still blew.

Speaker 6 Frankly, it made me wonder about Al Primo's level of experience and whether he really deserved that gorgeous producer scarf.

Speaker 31 What's your background in the news industry?

Speaker 14 I gave Geraldo Rivera his first start in television.

Speaker 6 Suddenly, everything was clear. These poor kids were being trained by a madman.
They needed all the help they could get. It was time to bring out the big guns.

Speaker 44 And our Jack and Jill. Okay, Proctor, you can actually speed that up a little bit, okay?

Speaker 6 I'm not a kid.

Speaker 30 A study done in England shows that television had about five violent scenes per hour.

Speaker 45 Okay, I can't read that fast. No one can.

Speaker 10 Alright, so just like a normal person.

Speaker 44 And finally, John's here with a story of a literary lion who's still something

Speaker 46 of a cub.

Speaker 47 Yes!

Speaker 36 Nailed it!

Speaker 6 As the seconds ticked by and the music swelled, I began to truly bond with these kids.

Speaker 19 You know what I've heard Shepherd Smith? Shepherd Smith. Here's a French horn.

Speaker 6 But had they learned anything?

Speaker 6 You bet they had.

Speaker 31 Lily explains in this week's Work It Reporting.

Speaker 20 It's good. Home run.

Speaker 6 As I watched the kids finish the show, I felt a glowing sense of pride. And I knew that when they got out into the real world of grown-up news, I would f ⁇ ing eat them alive.

Speaker 42 For 50 years, cartoonist Charles Schultz brought joy to millions of readers with his characters, The Peanuts. So this year, St.

Speaker 42 Paul, Minnesota decided to honor their native son with a series of art exhibits, including these statues in downtown Rice Park.

Speaker 11 Museum curator Bruce Lilly.

Speaker 21 Schultz was a philosopher in his own way and in a very unique way. I think using a comic strip to go beyond just making people laugh.

Speaker 42 Everyone loved the Marcy and Peppermint Patty statues.

Speaker 48 We feel that as cartoon characters, they really aren't in keeping with the classic nature of the park.

Speaker 32 Everyone, that is, but Ruby Hunt.

Speaker 8 What cartoon characters would be acceptable?

Speaker 48 I don't personally think that any of them would be.

Speaker 33 How about Garfield?

Speaker 11 What a fat pussy cat.

Speaker 30 He was a fat cat.

Speaker 42 Not since Nancy's notorious nip slip have comic strip characters caused such controversy.

Speaker 42 Ruby is a member of the Ross Group, a gang of particularly old and ornery ladies who fired off a letter of protest to local councilman David Thune.

Speaker 1 I received a letter from the Ross Group several weeks ago, more or less demanding that we remove the peanuts sculptures that were in Rice Park.

Speaker 8 Wait, what did you call them?

Speaker 1 The peanuts statues.

Speaker 32 It's actually peanuts.

Speaker 1 Isn't that what I said?

Speaker 6 Actually, he said this when he meant this.

Speaker 31 What did you say when you read the letter?

Speaker 23 Let me guess, was it...

Speaker 46 Good grief.

Speaker 2 Well, the Ross group

Speaker 1 really isn't...

Speaker 32 I can't wait till I get to be that age so I can worry about that type of crap.

Speaker 42 What does Ruby have against Schultz's characters?

Speaker 48 Well, you know, I never had the opportunity to read the Peanuts characters when I was growing up.

Speaker 10 Peanuts.

Speaker 48 Peanuts. What did I say?

Speaker 46 Forget it.

Speaker 48 We really didn't want to start a culture warp.

Speaker 11 Didn't she?

Speaker 6 Perhaps her objection is to the unconventional relationship between Marcy and Peppermint Patty.

Speaker 31 Well, they were characters that

Speaker 10 shared a love that dare not speak its name.

Speaker 10 If you know what I mean. Yes.

Speaker 9 So do you think, does that have anything to do with the fight?

Speaker 48 No, I don't believe that has anything to do with the fight.

Speaker 11 Ruby says the real reason is that they're not worthy to share the park with this man.

Speaker 48 Our group and many others feel that F. Scott Fitzgerald is a real person

Speaker 48 and has done much to focus attention on his literature in St. Paul.

Speaker 8 By the way, which one was Fitzgerald?

Speaker 10 Was he the drunk who ran with the Bulls or the drunk from Mississippi?

Speaker 48 I don't know.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I don't know either. If it's not written by John Grisham, I don't read it.

Speaker 10 What about putting a statue of John Grisham in the park? That'd be nice.

Speaker 48 Well, what is John Grisham hasn't done anything for St. Paul?

Speaker 10 Sorry, sometimes I can be a

Speaker 28 real blockhead.

Speaker 11 Of these sons of St. Paul, just who leaves a better legacy?

Speaker 31 I'm going to list off some quotes.

Speaker 9 You tell me, F.

Speaker 12 Scott Fitzgerald or Charles M.

Speaker 11 Schultz.

Speaker 25 Oh, boy.

Speaker 6 That's the secret to life.

Speaker 11 Replace one worry with another.

Speaker 34 Schultz.

Speaker 40 Write. Get out of my dreams, get into my car.

Speaker 1 That's got to be Fitzgerald.

Speaker 42 Wrong.

Speaker 11 Billy Ocean.

Speaker 4 As it stands now, the statues will stay in the park, but one question still remains.

Speaker 50 My next question

Speaker 30 starts as a question and then turns into a statement and then becomes an exclamation and then sort of degenerates into

Speaker 31 just random profanity and noises, okay?

Speaker 41 Okay.

Speaker 8 Why would anyone in their right mind live here?

Speaker 46 Because it is fing cold, man.

Speaker 10 Damn it, it's cold.

Speaker 28 Keeps the river. Watch!

Speaker 28 How

Speaker 42 cold it is!

Speaker 42 Ow!

Speaker 1 I didn't think the pain from the shingles rash would affect simple everyday tasks like bathing, getting dressed, or even even walking around. I was wrong.

Speaker 1 Though not everyone at risk will develop it, 99% of people over the age of 50 already have the virus that causes shingles, and it could reactivate at any time.

Speaker 1 I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks. Don't learn the hard way, like I did.
Talk to your doctor or pharmacist today. Sponsored by GSK.

Speaker 50 Thanks, John. Tonight's Your History focuses on blue against gray, brother against brother.

Speaker 28 I'm sorry, Rob.

Speaker 37 That's a Civil War, which I thought we actually weren't going to be talking about.

Speaker 27 We're not, John.

Speaker 28 We're going to talk about a shipwreck that took place a few months after the Civil War, when the nation was still struggling to recover from the Civil War.

Speaker 8 Let's go to the Daily Show Globe 2.0.

Speaker 28 The place 100 miles off the Georgia coast, the depth 1,700 feet, the time, 1865, a mere 65 years before the rise of Hitler.

Speaker 27 That guy is not likable.

Speaker 7 But our story concerns the fate of the USS Republic, a side-wheel steamer which sets sail from New York bound for the city of New Orleans.

Speaker 12 She's laden with gold to help with the reconstruction of the South.

Speaker 50 But the weather started getting rough.

Speaker 8 The giant ship was tossed.

Speaker 50 If not for the courage of the fearless crew,

Speaker 30 well, actually, the Republic was lost,

Speaker 27 taking with her over 20,000 gold coins, lost forever until now.

Speaker 30 These incredible pictures of the wreck of the Republic were taken by the Odyssey Marine Exploration Salvage Company, a small band of adventure-seeking scientists committed to unlocking the secrets of our shared past.

Speaker 14 We hope this should be a big payoff for our shareholders and for the team that's done it.

Speaker 44 Of course, he means a payoff of knowledge and understanding of our history, unlocking mysteries.

Speaker 31 Wait, these guys don't get to keep the money, do they?

Speaker 14 We typically get the lion's share of that because we're the guys that found it.

Speaker 25 Son of a bitch!

Speaker 47 Yes,

Speaker 50 while this money was minted by the U.S. government to help a region savaged by war, these guys get to keep it

Speaker 12 because They have an underwater robot.

Speaker 12 Experts estimate the Republic's treasure could be worth more than $180 million.

Speaker 30 To put that in an historical perspective, Hitler could have used that money to purchase over 2,000 Panzer IV tanks, the armor-clad demons that overran Europe in that dark year, 1938.

Speaker 40 I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief the Third Reich didn't have an underwater robot.

Speaker 51 Rob, I don't mean to interrupt. Why do you keep showing Hitler footage? It's a story about a 19th century shipwreck.

Speaker 27 I'm trying to make history come alive, John.

Speaker 30 In fact, let's take a look at that footage again.

Speaker 52 There's Hitler.

Speaker 27 There's a tank.

Speaker 50 So, a war, a storm, a ship.

Speaker 7 It all adds up to one blockbuster secret we'll share with you when we come back.

Speaker 11 And we're back.

Speaker 12 Hidden away amid the rotting timbers, the fortune in gold, and the dashed hopes of a reunited country lies conclusive evidence that the USS Republic was piloted by Adolf Hitler.

Speaker 28 That mystery will be explained on our next episode, Your History, Nazi Time Machine.

Speaker 25 Hitler.

Speaker 40 For your history, I'm Rob Cordry.

Speaker 6 Meet millionaire lunch ladies Kathy Welley and Judy Fea.

Speaker 46 They are job hogs.

Speaker 19 Why are you being so selfish?

Speaker 22 I didn't think it was being selfish.

Speaker 55 I love my job. I really do.

Speaker 20 Why does your love feel so much like hate?

Speaker 25 They've each just won $2 million in the Minnesota Powerball, and they're keeping their jobs.

Speaker 22 Why would I quit my job? I mean, I love my job.

Speaker 16 Because the economy is suffering.

Speaker 33 Each year, Powerball winners retire, which makes a significant dent in the 8.8 million jobless in America.

Speaker 6 But these ladies take hoggery to the next level.

Speaker 3 I have two jobs.

Speaker 9 That's right.

Speaker 6 This lunch lady is also a bartender, and this lunch lady, a bus driver. Kathy took me for a joyride in her pimped-out stretched school bus, complete with decadent side-view mirror and rotating fan.

Speaker 36 Given the amount of money you want, how many bottles of beer would you say you have on the wall right now?

Speaker 36 99.

Speaker 36 And if one of those bottles should happen to fall,

Speaker 36 it would be easily replaceable because you're filthy rich.

Speaker 47 Right.

Speaker 45 I got this one, Kathy.

Speaker 36 Hey, learn to freaking drive, you meatball!

Speaker 7 I tried to talk some sense into them.

Speaker 11 When the great actor and philanthropist Steve Gutenberg made enough money in acting, he quit,

Speaker 20 leaving room for your Cherry O'Connells.

Speaker 22 I hate to say this, but I never heard the guy named before.

Speaker 37 Jerry O'Connell.

Speaker 3 Kangaroo Jack.

Speaker 18 Must be good.

Speaker 31 It's just a great, a great time.

Speaker 16 He's the fat kid from Stand By Me.

Speaker 22 Oh, okay, now I know who you're talking about. I saw that.

Speaker 6 But not everyone is this greedy.

Speaker 5 Retired dot-commer Alan Murabayashi lives as an example of how the system is supposed to work.

Speaker 8 How much are you worth?

Speaker 37 More than $5 million? Less than $100 million?

Speaker 34 He cashed out on a lottery that was known as the Internet Boom.

Speaker 31 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 37 Most of my days kind of

Speaker 37 sitting around the house, looking out the window.

Speaker 19 God bless you, sir.

Speaker 33 So while Alan has respectfully stepped aside, these ladies are racking up the overtime and partying like they don't work 12-hour days.

Speaker 22 There are still plenty of jobs out there in the world.

Speaker 16 Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Speaker 46 Pardon me?

Speaker 31 I'm calling you Cleopatra, queen of denial.

Speaker 9 But someone had to come into money so they could quit their job job and get this economy going.

Speaker 38 What?

Speaker 3 Marry me.

Speaker 25 No, I'm already married.

Speaker 8 Kathy, will you marry me?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 13 I'm married already. Why would I want to get married again?

Speaker 16 I don't need love or companionship. I just need financial support.

Speaker 10 Well, this economic recovery was looking bleak.

Speaker 34 Or was it?

Speaker 46 What's this?

Speaker 9 What did you do?

Speaker 14 I don't know.

Speaker 16 What is this?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 34 Yes.

Speaker 31 Pretty good out in the open like that. Like, I wasn't going to see it.

Speaker 36 You jerk.

Speaker 51 In light of of the stock market crash and corporate scandals, many are saying that executive compensation has gotten completely out of hand.

Speaker 51 For insight, we turn to Daily Show senior corporate analyst Rob Cordry, who's at our dollars and cents desk. Rob,

Speaker 51 we hear about the multi-million dollar salaries, the stock options, the interest-free loans, the corporate jets. It goes on and on and on.
Are these guys ridiculously overpaid?

Speaker 53 No, John?

Speaker 51 Well, Rob, only 20 years ago, CEOs were making 40 times what ordinary workers made. Today, they're making 480 times as much.

Speaker 53 Worth every penny, John. Back to you.

Speaker 49 No, Rob, Rob, wait a minute.

Speaker 8 Rob,

Speaker 8 Rob, Rob.

Speaker 53 But

Speaker 51 can you at least tell us why they're worth so much money?

Speaker 53 Obviously, John, if they're paid 480 times as much, it's because they're 480 times as good.

Speaker 27 It's a free market, John.

Speaker 53 We're talking about the superstar CEOs, the Michael Jordans, the Tiger Woods, the Serena Williams of the executive world.

Speaker 29 Except, of course, not black.

Speaker 51 But Rob, we're hearing about CEOs making $20, $50, even $100 million a year. You're telling me that that's justified.
John.

Speaker 53 Running a giant corporation is a brutal job. Crazy hours.
Huge responsibilities. It takes its toll.
And a lot of these guys are burnt out by 60.

Speaker 27 And John, hell on relationships.

Speaker 50 I mean, they become so scarred that their wives and other women their own age lose interest in them, forcing these pathetic souls to find companionship the only place they can.

Speaker 27 In the arms of sexually insatiable lingerie models half their age.

Speaker 51 But what about all the perks they get, the free flights, the houses?

Speaker 27 Yeah, that I don't get either.

Speaker 53 I mean, these guys already have more money than they can spend in a hundred lifetimes. Now you're going to give them a first-class ticket to Europe?

Speaker 53 These guys wipe their asses with first-class tickets to Europe. Now, if you really want to attract the big CEOs, John, you have to offer them things they can't buy with money, like,

Speaker 25 I don't know, the power over life and death or something.

Speaker 54 Rob, I don't know.

Speaker 53 John, John, John, John, hear me out.

Speaker 53 All I'm saying is let them take one employee a month from the temple

Speaker 53 and have them ritually bathed, anointed with oil, chained to an altar and slaughtered.

Speaker 53 Now that, John, that's a CEO perk.

Speaker 54 That's horrifying.

Speaker 53 John, the Aztecs didn't become a great empire by not casting virgins into volcanoes.

Speaker 25 Rob.

Speaker 51 That's not the way that we do things.

Speaker 53 Okay, okay. I understand.
Times have changed. They don't have to be virgins.

Speaker 49 All right, thank you, Rob.

Speaker 51 That's all the time we're going to do.

Speaker 53 Those temps hate their lives anyway, John. No harm, no fault.

Speaker 49 Thank you very much. Rock Quarterly, everybody.
We'll be right back.

Speaker 43 Ethanol, the non-Middle Eastern fuel made from corn.

Speaker 35 It's been an alternative source of energy for decades, yet it hasn't caught on.

Speaker 11 One Canadian is working hard to change that.

Speaker 15 We try to promote the use of ethanol here in Canada to help reduce pollution and create jobs. We're talking about cleaner fuels and who is in favor of that?

Speaker 35 Surprisingly, many Canadians aren't in favor of it.

Speaker 15 Ethanol is a total fraud. I don't see any environmental benefit for ethanol.
I mean, it's made from corn. You're burning food to make a fuel.

Speaker 23 Turning food into fuel, that's like what my tummy does.

Speaker 15 Ethanol is nothing but welfare for farmers.

Speaker 35 While producing ethanol may not be as efficient as the alternative, strangling a bunch of lizards, burying them in your backyard, waiting 300 million years, then drilling to retrieve the oil, Corey argues that it's good for the environment.

Speaker 15 Well, ethanol is an octane enhancer, so it helps to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, which are causing global warming.

Speaker 10 Okay, so how does ethanol help things that aren't fictitious?

Speaker 15 Global warming's real.

Speaker 1 Right, right, of course.

Speaker 43 Corey needed a better way to get his message out.

Speaker 11 That's when he had a stroke of genius.

Speaker 23 A mascot.

Speaker 30 Energizer has the bunny.

Speaker 60 Christians have Jesus.

Speaker 15 And now ethanol has this.

Speaker 35 Corncob Bob.

Speaker 15 We wanted a mascot that could capture the spirit of ethanol. Corncob Bob was designed primarily to reach out to children, but ultimately we're trying to reach their parents.

Speaker 11 Clever.

Speaker 10 I use the same trick with single moms. You know, learn a couple magic tricks, pull a a coin out of some kids here, and all of a sudden you're Uncle Rob for four to six weeks.

Speaker 35 Corey set a strategic date for Corncob Bob's unveiling.

Speaker 15 Well, we plan to have them be at Canada Day.

Speaker 11 What is Canada Day?

Speaker 15 Well, very similar to the 4th of July in the United States.

Speaker 10 So is that redundant, celebrating both the 4th of July and Canada Day?

Speaker 15 We don't celebrate the 4th of July in Canada.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 32 love or leave it, pal, okay?

Speaker 15 But Canada is a different.

Speaker 36 These colors don't run.

Speaker 37 If you don't like my driving, go f yourself.

Speaker 1 Oh, I think I can put it.

Speaker 35 Everything was in place for Corncob Bob's debut.

Speaker 15 We were going to hand out balloons, temporary tattoos. Corncob Bob was going to dance.

Speaker 35 But it was not meant to be. The event sponsor, Shell Canada, banned Corncob Bob from participating in Canada Day.

Speaker 15 I was glad that Corncob Bob was booted out.

Speaker 32 I think this can all be cleared up with a hug from Corncob Bob.

Speaker 10 He's right outside. Would you like to do that?

Speaker 15 I'd rather. I'd rather.

Speaker 35 Oh, Christ.

Speaker 35 Hey, Eric told me to tell you to go yourself.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 43 Caught in the fight between the ethanol lobby and the oil industry are the children who were deprived of Corn Cob Bob.

Speaker 33 until now?

Speaker 56 Girls and boys, corn cob bob!

Speaker 56 All right!

Speaker 58 Hey kids, who here loves renewable energy? All right, so do I. That's why I'd like to tell you about ethanol.

Speaker 58 When you add oxygen to gasoline, you get a more complete combustion, and a more complete combustion means fewer bottle organic compounds, which ultimately means what?

Speaker 58 Less smog.

Speaker 35 Yes, the kids hated corn cob Bob, but it wasn't his fault. Not even the Philly fanatic could make ethanol fun.

Speaker 15 He does a good job of educating people about ethanol.

Speaker 57 You son of a bitch!

Speaker 11 He's not some circus freak for you to parade around at some carnival.

Speaker 56 He has feelings too, or did you not know that?

Speaker 56 He's miserable. Look at him.

Speaker 15 He's smiling.

Speaker 56 Yeah, because you made him that way.

Speaker 1 We were hoping.

Speaker 58 We, we, we, we, we.

Speaker 40 That's what it's about, isn't it? We.

Speaker 33 Or you, I mean.

Speaker 15 The collective we, meaning you and your group, not me.

Speaker 35 This world was never going to treat Corncob Bob fairly. I wanted to show him a better place.

Speaker 61 There's going to be kids and furry bunnies.

Speaker 57 And there's going to be balloons and temporary tattoos. They're just right over here.

Speaker 57 And I want to see, why why don't you just kneel down?

Speaker 17 See the Bob?

Speaker 58 I don't see nothing.

Speaker 35 It was a bittersweet end for Cornicob Bob.

Speaker 23 Sweet in the sense that it was painless.

Speaker 6 Bitter because I didn't realize there was a dude in there.

Speaker 6 I wanted to get right to it.

Speaker 51 You've been covering the ad game for a long time now. This is sort of the Super Bowl of advertisements.

Speaker 51 What's your analysis?

Speaker 51 Who was the big winner of last night's advertisements?

Speaker 53 You mean which mega corporation was most effective in establishing the lifetime brand loyalties of 10 to 15 year olds? Well, the answer to that would have to be beer and cars.

Speaker 45 But if you ask me, last night's real winner was repressed sexual angst masquerading as humor.

Speaker 45 From a romantic courtship scarred by horse flatulence through the agony of a marriage gone sour to the inevitable decay of the body and reliance on pills just to get a heart on.

Speaker 53 The Super Bowl is truly the night when the advertising industry takes all of our black, empty yearning and spins it into dreams.

Speaker 40 Finding that sweet spot of consumer desire that can only be accessed with the right balance of poop jokes and misogyny.

Speaker 2 That's a little dark, Rob.

Speaker 54 I mean,

Speaker 53 sorry, John, excuse me for not getting as giddy as a schoolgirl at a pony show over Super Bowl advertising.

Speaker 53 I guess the fact that it's so horribly corrosive to the human spirit kind of dampens my enthusiasm.

Speaker 4 Okay, but I'm...

Speaker 4 In terms of commercial trends, did you think anthropomorphism was in the opening?

Speaker 46 Okay, I worked on it.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 53 I worked on this so-called report until really late last night, watching and re-watching these ads until I

Speaker 53 sort of blanked out, you know, and drifted into this heightened alpha state,

Speaker 53 and my soul felt like it left my body and flew up, up, way, way up, right?

Speaker 40 And from this high above, I could see everything.

Speaker 45 Like my eyes were opening for the very first time and I saw this whole Super Bowl adfixation for what it is a Symptom of a sick consumer society so in love with its own materialistic corruption that it actually celebrates these slick exhortations to buy, get, and spend ever more.

Speaker 25 We are hurting

Speaker 11 deep,

Speaker 40 deep inside of our hearts, John. And

Speaker 39 then I'm thinking, well, that can't be my report.

Speaker 47 So,

Speaker 53 let's roll the tape of the the dog biting the guy in the nuts.

Speaker 53 So yeah, that's

Speaker 40 funny stuff.

Speaker 29 I can't do this.

Speaker 8 I can't do this.

Speaker 30 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 45 Rob was thinking of

Speaker 8 moving to Africa, you know, really trying to help people.

Speaker 25 Okay, Rob Cordry, that's very interesting. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 33 Do you have any idea what I mean?

Speaker 33 Oh?

Speaker 8 So they did it. How they got to you too.

Speaker 49 Okay, Rob Corger, everybody.

Speaker 33 Meet Greg Cooper, a man with a dream.

Speaker 37 I would like to see every house in America with plastic grass.

Speaker 59 Plastic grass.

Speaker 37 Plastic grass. My company's called Unreal Lawns.
We install waterless grass.

Speaker 11 You might call him today's Johnny Apple Seed. Had the apples been wax and the seeds made of a space-aged polymer.

Speaker 37 I have the greenest lawn in the St. Pete, Tampa area.
There's no weeding, there's no fertilizing. It looks like a well-manicured lawn, something that's been pampered every day for two to three years.

Speaker 59 So, how much is this gonna run me?

Speaker 37 Average lawn is gonna cost you between $10,000 and $15,000.

Speaker 37 Sold, I'll take mine in orange.

Speaker 31 And I want it to taste like strawberry when I lick it.

Speaker 13 It's got that

Speaker 20 new grass smell.

Speaker 3 Yes, it does. You know, like action figures.
Right.

Speaker 34 And it feels even better.

Speaker 40 Wow, it is soft.

Speaker 30 It's not like astroturf at all.

Speaker 13 Great.

Speaker 3 Cool. Are we cut?

Speaker 60 Damn it, it's hot.

Speaker 40 Like 100 degrees, man.

Speaker 19 But Cooper has to battle the local city council, who worries that plastic grass might affect the natural beauty of the St.

Speaker 13 Pete, Tampa area.

Speaker 39 And Cooper's neighbors are taking it one step further.

Speaker 41 If we are putting plastic lawns down, the terrorists are winning.

Speaker 61 Well, I don't like the fact that they're made out of, you know, oil. They're made out of petroleum.

Speaker 37 Wait, are you saying our love of plastic lawns put us in a rack?

Speaker 41 Not by itself.

Speaker 61 But it's part of it.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 28 Cooper's declared a fatwa on the anti-plastic lawn community.

Speaker 37 I'd say my detractors are living in the past. It looks good.
It's good for the environment.

Speaker 19 It sure is.

Speaker 6 Let's examine the food cycle.

Speaker 11 The sun hits the grass, which through photosynthesis creates oxygen.

Speaker 6 Cattle breathe that oxygen, and then years later, we eat the cattle.

Speaker 13 It takes forever.

Speaker 11 However, if we replace real grass with plastic, the sun's rays will bounce off it and directly into our mouths.

Speaker 25 Yum.

Speaker 6 But the natural grass lobby is sticking with Josephson and his well-reasoned defense.

Speaker 41 Plastic lawns will lead to

Speaker 3 Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

Speaker 20 Let me get my quill and parchment out to take this down.

Speaker 50 Oh, I left it in my horseless carriage.

Speaker 41 No, I love the future. I just am afraid of the ecosystem being destroyed.
I think there'll be a lot less nature.

Speaker 41 Then, you know, eventually it leads to the Matrix and don't want the robots taking over. And that's again why we don't put plastic lawns down for them to walk on.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 5 robots?

Speaker 6 His fears are baseless.

Speaker 12 As the future unfolds and society crumbles, our houses will be replaced with government re-education pods, where we'll live until the final reckoning.

Speaker 43 And then the joke will be on you, ape overlords.

Speaker 6 That grass isn't edible.

Speaker 20 Is it lonely being a visionary?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 37 Why, because you belong to a visionary club or something?

Speaker 11 But one question remains.

Speaker 31 What if your dog craps on it?

Speaker 37 You can hose it down.

Speaker 6 Just hose it down, huh?

Speaker 59 I like the sound of that.

Speaker 11 I like it enough to take her for a test drive.

Speaker 31 I think you missed a spot over there.

Speaker 37 Rob Cordrian, Florida. We'll be right back.

Speaker 60 I touch some of it. I got some of it on me.

Speaker 6 This is Tyler Money.

Speaker 6 He has a giant head. While he dreams of being like other 14-year-old boys, he has a giant head.

Speaker 6 The large-headed life is not easy.

Speaker 33 Kids can be cruel.

Speaker 52 They crack some jokes and call me fat head, big head, helium head.

Speaker 59 Why helium head?

Speaker 16 Is it because your head makes people's voices sound funny?

Speaker 52 No, it just looks like some helium's been pumped in my head to make it bigger.

Speaker 6 While other boys' heads average 18 inches around, Tyler's measures 26.

Speaker 59 When Tyler was born,

Speaker 3 or rather,

Speaker 59 while Tyler was being born,

Speaker 59 How

Speaker 2 C-section.

Speaker 33 C-section. Great, great.

Speaker 6 Tyler thought if there was a place he could fit in, it was on the high school football field.

Speaker 11 But there was one part that didn't fit.

Speaker 11 His giant head.

Speaker 55 When we started to outfit him with a helmet, The extra large wouldn't even go on top of his head.

Speaker 20 You ever think about shaving him down, greasing him up, forcing it in?

Speaker 55 Still wouldn't have worked. The largest head playing in the NFL is an inch smaller in circumference than Tyler's.

Speaker 24 Holy

Speaker 1 that's big.

Speaker 31 Desperate to be like the other boys, Tyler searched beyond regulation equipment,

Speaker 19 but no score.

Speaker 13 He felt all alone.

Speaker 11 a giant head in a little-headed world where everyone else was helmet ready.

Speaker 31 Does he even need a helmet? Because when I was in high school, I didn't wear a helmet.

Speaker 54 And I didn't wear one either.

Speaker 17 What? Hmm?

Speaker 6 As the football season started, Tyler was desperate to play.

Speaker 24 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 19 He and his special skull waited for a miracle.

Speaker 52 My coach told me, he said, Tyler money, he said, we're gonna...

Speaker 52 I'm gonna turn over every rock that there is to be turned to find you a helmet.

Speaker 19 Sadly, under most rocks, there are no helmets.

Speaker 11 So the townspeople pitched in, raising money for pioneering new surgery.

Speaker 6 But the head smallening procedure was ultimately deemed too risky.

Speaker 28 Nothing was working.

Speaker 35 Tyler was at a loss.

Speaker 33 If your head could talk, what would it say?

Speaker 52 Get me a helmet.

Speaker 33 Get me a helmet.

Speaker 56 And why am I so different?

Speaker 13 And what's all that curly new hair down there?

Speaker 20 Little did Tyler know that somewhere far away, sports equipment experts were working around the clock to create a bigger helmet.

Speaker 3 Upon completion, the prototype was sent to Tyler, but kickoff was only an hour away.

Speaker 24 Norton, fullback.

Speaker 47 Brakes, fullback.

Speaker 44 Mini-Me wide receiver.

Speaker 24 Tyler.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Tackle.

Speaker 39 At last, Tyler felt like every other 14-year-old 6-foot-1, 285-pound freshman.

Speaker 31 And the coach got what he wanted, a happy boy.

Speaker 36 Get in there for Adco!

Speaker 6 He could use as a mindless maiming machine.

Speaker 6 Now everyone's a winner, except for the team who lost the game, and the town because they're economically depressed, and the foolish players who tried to lift Tyler up.

Speaker 40 But for Tyler and his massive head, dreams really do come true.

Speaker 47 Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 47 Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

Speaker 4 This has been a Comedy Central podcast.