TDS Time Machine | The Emmys

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You're listening to Comedy Central.

In their never-ending quest to alienate viewers ages 18 to 34, CBS aired the 26th annual Daytime Emmy Awards, honoring performers who've taken that daring step between waiting tables and legitimate acting.

Snapping a losing streak second only to the Washington Generals, Susan Lucci brought home the best actress award after 18 nominations.

Lucci's played Erica Kane for 28 years and won for her performance in keeping a straight face while telling casting agents she's still 34.

When asked how she would celebrate the award, Lucy said she would go to dinner with her husband Helmut Huber, after which she plans to Hoover his helmet.

Her Highness, oh, please.

Her Highness Oprah Winfrey presented the award for Best Talk Show host to Rosie O'Donnell, who took the opportunity to once again ambush Tom Selleck for his NRA ads and then to remind everybody of Kmart's low-low prices on shotguns.

Bob Barker, the only man who ages slower than Dick Clark, was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award for hosting The Price is Right, which is in its 27th year, yet people still can't figure out that the toaster costs less than the Winnebago.

Winnebago.

The nation turns on television to watch television celebrate television.

The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences turned into David E.

Kelly's personal bitch last night, giving the creator best series Emmy Awards for both the practice and Allie McBeal.

Kelly's victories no doubt ease the pain of having to go to bed every night with Michelle Pfeiffer.

I mean, how many beers do you need to kiss that wench?

Someone going to ask me the fastest or best way to win an Emmy, I'd say write a script and get Callista Falkart to say the words.

He then added, the second best way to win an Emmy is to receive a plurality of votes in your category from the voting members of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences under the auspices of the accounting firm of Ernst ⁇ Young.

That'll do in a pinch.

Co-hosts David Hyde Pierce and Jenna Elfman started the show with an interpretive dance, which many in the audience interpreted as a gratuitous display of David Hyde Pierce's nutsack.

HBO's acclaimed series, The Sopranos, earned 16 nominations, the most of any contender, but walked away with just four awards.

The show, however, did receive a humanitarian award for employing dozens of actors waiting for Martin Scorsese to give up the Buddha crap.

Jack Nicholson, who is required by law to sit in the front row at every Hollywood Award show, came with Lara Flynn Boyle.

And call me old-fashioned, but I think this one's going to last.

The highlight of this show is a hilarious send-up of Dawson's Creek by Jon Stewart, the once popular talk show host, now floundering on an obscure cable network and making jokes about himself in the third person,

even as he speaks.

West Wing walks away with nine Emmys.

Confused George W.

Bush goes negative with anti-Sheen ads.

Last night, the stars came out as trillions of balls of hydrogen converted into helium and admitted their light throughout the observable universe.

But of course, Back here on Earth at LA's Shrine Auditorium, everyone else was coming out at what has already been dubbed the gayest Emmys ever.

I mean, just look at the big winners.

Will and Grace, gay.

If these walls could talk to, lesbian.

The West Wing, flaming.

The Corner, hello, Sailor.

And Tuesdays with Maury, Liza with a Z.

Will and Grace took home three Emmys, and star Aaron McCormack thanked NBC for having the courage to conduct the market research necessary to determine it was okay to put a show like this on the air without significant public backlash.

We are very fortunate to be working at a time when the networks are brave enough to put a show like Will and Grace on the air.

Right.

Yes, somewhere Paul Lynn is smiling down from Center Cloud.

Because up to now, fans of television and homosexuality only had Ellen, Love Sydney, and the suppressed homoerotic rage of chips.

What a brave network.

Perhaps the oddest moment of the night came when Emmy director Louis Horvitz won an award for directing an award show.

And the Emmy goes to Louis J.

Horvitz, 72nd New Academy Awards.

Yes!

Music!

Ready 13, take 13!

Ready 10, take 10!

Ready to take two!

Ready 13, take 13!

Okay.

Horvitz award was not only a personal victory, but a triumph in the fight against the stigma of Tourette syndrome.

Despite his Emmy boost, Horvitz still turned up the music on those who went on too long, like once again, winner Celia Ward.

My representatives who are amazing, my manager Steve Daunton, I mean, that's not true.

He's my agent.

Steve Daughtonville, who's been with me forever.

David Seltzer, my manager.

Cliff Gilbert Lurie, amazing publicist Kelly Bush and John Lubinatti, and kind of.

You know, Sheila Ward used to be on the show's sisters, and in the immortal words of her on-set co-star Susie Kurtz, every time it rains, Cela.

Hold on a second with the music.

I'm getting to the punchline.

I'm sorry.

Susie Kurtz said, Every time it rains, Cila, all right, all right.

Being told we have no time for that joke.

Susie used to, no!

Fine!

Just fine!

I got cut off with music on my own program.

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I developed it, and the blistering rash lasted for weeks.

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Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

Welcome to the Daily Show.

I'm John Stewart.

How was your weekend?

We went out to Los Angeles.

What an exciting weekend for us.

Let me say this.

When the Daily Show won a Tony,

I thought,

well, that's terrific.

When we won a Latin Grammy, I thought,

muy bueno.

But this was really something.

And to celebrate, I had this, I don't know if you've heard of this beverage.

They make it, it's made with, I guess they ferment hops and barley.

And they put it in little bottles, and they're just delicious.

But if you have 10 of them, you don't feel well.

But it was really, what a terrific time we had.

And we're happy to be back.

And since we won Inemi, obviously, we're going to be phoning the show in for a long, long time.

Enjoy our arrogance.

Obviously, it was an extremely nice night here for everyone at the Daily Show, but unfortunately for us, we're at the Emmys not just as participants, but also as journalists.

Have you folks seen the program before?

We were as journalists covering the event, and we're going to go live now to Stephen Colbert, who's actually still in Los Angeles outside the Shrine Auditorium.

Stephen,

nice to see you, my friend.

Tell us about the night.

It was magical, John.

Forget the Hubble telescope.

If you wanted to see stars on Sunday night, the Shrine Auditorium was the place to be.

All your favorite celebrities were on hand for a celebration of television excellence.

But the fun really began after the Emmys at the Governor's Ball when the industry gathered to raise a glass to the winners.

And that's when the fing started.

I'm sorry?

The banging, John, the banging, the bumping uglies, the meat pile, gowns and tuxedos tossed like jetsum as their A-list owners in the full bloom of arousal donned goat head masks and descended headlong into a world of sexual madness, a mindless hive of frenzied coitus, writhing bodies, flesh on fluid, a deep stank of human musk rising to the rafters like some forbidden incense offered to Eros, dark god of gratified desire.

All in all, a magical night.

Stephen,

I was there.

That did not happen.

You left too early, John.

It all started right after the lobster salad course.

You know, it's funny.

I used to criticize Los Angeles, that it was superficial, that it was a town where you were only as good as your last project, but

that's when I was on the outside.

Now

I see how wrong I was.

Do you know this thing is redeemable for one supermodel?

or two regular sized models?

Which reminds me, I'm gonna be out here a couple more weeks.

I've got some meetings to take.

Stephen, you can't stay out there.

We've got the Democratic debate on Thursday, the California recall elections a week from Tuesday.

We have a lot of work to do.

Yeah, look, don't get me wrong, I love the people at the Daily Show.

They're great, some of them.

But

the show is clearly peaked, so I'm going to jump off now and pull the rip cord while I'm still high enough for my parachute to fully deploy.

I won't be out here long, just long enough to take the first show that pays me more money and/or features me more prominently.

I think they like the story better.

I don't blame them, John.

I don't blame them.

Everybody loves a monkey butter.

It's a Hollywood term.

I understand.

It's going to take me a while to wash that one out of the brain, but thank you.

Listen, back here, we wish you all the luck out there.

Who needs luck, John?

This is Hollywood.

What could possibly go wrong?

I gotta go.

I'm having my chin done.

All right, John.

Thank you very much, Stephen.

Stephen Colbert, and I'll sign up.

Back, baby, we got a good one for you tonight.

Valley Nasser will be joining us.

He, of course, is the founder of our space program.

Oh, We won an Emmy.

All right.

No, there you got you.

We actually,

that's the kind of writing that shows you what we did.

We actually, we're just getting back from Los Angeles.

We're all a little bit tired, but feeling very good.

We won, this was our seventh consecutive Emmy for a show in variety, comedy,

music, language, and

children's programming.

So

we were delighted.

Now, we've won seven times in a row and it is,

it's a little confounding and astounding and exciting and I'll be honest with you, there have been a couple of years in there where even we all thought to ourselves, really?

But this one, this year, you know, we were up against, I thought, some of the best work that the other shows in that category had done, the really hilarious stuff.

But you know what?

We were really proud of ourselves on this one.

We really felt like this year year in particular, 2008, was maybe the best year of daily shows that we felt that we had done.

And I give thanks to all the people here that had

worked so hard.

We had the,

every time a challenge was issued to the staff here and to the crew here, they rose up to it in a manner which I found surprising and impressive and joyful.

And I just, I can't tell you the gratitude that I have for the crew here and the staff here and the people that do that.

And I am filled with a feeling.

It is a feeling that I have

right now based on this now record of achievement that is, it's an unusual feeling.

I believe people refer to it as pride

and satisfaction and accomplishment.

Now, I don't know how long it's going to last.

I am Jewish.

I'm sure I'll find a way not to enjoy this.

But

I'm really

happy and proud to work here and to be here with all the people that I work with.

And thank you for supporting us and watching us and allowing us to create a situation that has not been replicated in our so-called genre.

And

so thank you.

And there's one man who...

I'm sorry.

I just pulled my sincerity muscle.

Congratulations to all the winners at last night's Emmy Awards, especially the underdogs.

Diversity reigns at the Emmys as women and people of color taking home some of the biggest prizes on television's biggest night.

Atlanta's Donald Glover became the first African-American to win an Emmy for comedy directing.

Sterling K.

Brown became the first black performer in close to 20 years to win lead actor in a drama series for This Is Us.

Master of Nuns Aziz Anzari shared the Emmy for comedy writing with Lena Waif, the first black woman to receive the award.

Yeah, that is fantastic.

But how are we still having first black anythings in 2017?

Do you know how many Emmy ceremonies there have been?

69.

Nice.

Now,

I'm not complaining.

I'm not complaining because last night's Emmys were really amazing and so full of black people, I was waiting for the show to get pulled over by the police.

It was a beautiful, beautiful experience.

Congratulations to everyone.

I will say this, though.

Judging from America's history, we have to be careful for next year, though, because anytime a black person wins something for the first time, the next time around, there's always an over-correction.

So just be ready for 2018 when Steve Bannon wins Best Actor in a Drama.

Yeah, get ready for that.

Big news today for all of your favorite TV shows.

Nominations for the 71st Emmy Awards have just been announced and as expected, HBO's hit Game of Thrones, leading the pack with a historic 32 nominations.

For the best drama series, the nominees are Better Call Soul, Bodyguard, Game of Thrones, Killing Eve, Ozark, Poe, Succession, and This Is Us.

That's right.

Emmy nominations are out, and a lot of fan favorites are back.

Veep is back with nine nominations.

Ozark, one of my favorite shows, got nominated.

And Game of Thrones blew everyone away with 32 nominations, a record.

Although, although, you know what I say we should do?

We should have the Game of Thrones people come to the awards, but then we should give the award for best drama to Sesame Street.

Yeah.

And then they'll be like, what the hell?

That doesn't make sense.

And we'll be like, oh, now you don't like endings that don't make sense?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Now you don't like that?

Oh,

and there's one nomination that we're particularly excited about over here in the category for Outstanding Variety Show.

The Danny Show was nominated.

Yes!

Thank you!

Thank you!

All of you!

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Like we truly could not have done it without you guys.

Like thank you so much for supporting us, making this.

I never take this for granted.

Let's kick it off with some good news from Hollywood, the only city that's got a name tag in case you forget where you are.

Yesterday, the 2020 Emmy nominations were announced, and it was an especially great day for black performers who got a record 34% of the nominations, which is huge and well-deserved.

But it's still not enough.

That's right.

I won't be satisfied until black people get 100% of the nominations.

Yeah, you heard me.

We're coming for you, white people.

In fact, we want every role to be played by a black actor.

I won't be happy until Kevin Hart is playing Queen Elizabeth in the crown.

Let me tell you something, Prince Charles.

No one wants to hear your opinion.

You ain't shit, okay?

I'm a queen.

You ain't shit.

Mm-hmm.

Obviously, I'm joking, guys.

It really is great to see black performers getting the recognition they deserve.

And that's all black people want.

And we at the Daily Show are extra grateful because once again, we were nominated.

And so to you, the viewers, I want to say thank you so much.

Without you, there would be no show and no one would be tweeting me to criticize my apartment decor.

I see you internet and you hurt my feelings.

I have one regret about the Emmys.

I have one regret about the Emmys on Sunday night and that is that I was unable to attend and to share in the joy for my friend Stephen Colbert and those at the Colbert Rapport who won a well-deserved long overdue Emmy.

I have been in awe of that show from episode one.

I believe Stephen and everyone over there has created something that has never before been seen on television and things happen on that show that could only happen on that show and they are remarkable.

And to my staff and crew,

here's the best thing about my staff and crew.

It's not about, even if they win or lose,

it doesn't matter.

You know, when I saw Newhart on stage, if anybody should have a house made out of Emmys, it's Bob Newhart.

He was getting his first at age 135.

So everyone here

never forgets how fortunate they are to have had the kind of run that we've had, to have the kind of recognition that we have.

We know that the opportunity to do what we do every day is a phenomenal one and that's what I love best about this place.

There's not a person in this building that takes that opportunity for granted.

Hell or high water, winning or not winning, having to watch another 24-hour cable news clip or not.

They come in here and we might not always hit the mark, but they give everything they have every day for years.

And I truly appreciate that about this place.

Bar none.

I'm really proud.

This place,

I'm proud to work with these folks.

It has been the honor of my professional life.

At the show, join us tomorrow night at at 11.

Here it is.

Your moment is in.

Congratulations to the entire Situation Room staff.

We have been nominated for an Emmy Award for our extended breaking news coverage of the assassination of the former Pakistani Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto.

This is our very first Emmy nomination.

And of course, we hope it's the first of many.

And of course, we hope we win.

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