Relationship Tools Every Entrepreneur Needs but Nobody Teaches | #Success - Ep. 20

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Speaker 7 This is the Russell Brunson show.

Speaker 7 What's up everybody? This is Russell. Welcome back to the show.
Excited to be here with you guys.

Speaker 7 And today we're going to be talking about something that I don't normally talk about, something completely different. And at first, you're going to be like, How does this relate to growing a business?

Speaker 7 And then, after, you're going to understand not only how does it help you build your business, help you build your relationships, your marriage, your kids, your employees.

Speaker 7 It's a theme that's going to carry across everything as a whole, and it's going to be really fun. And so, I'm going to tell a story.
I got two guests here that I'm excited to introduce you guys to.

Speaker 7 These are people who I first met them actually in this room. They joined an event we had called the Fat Event to come learn

Speaker 7 how to do webinars and and met them there. And then they joined the inner circle and started hanging out.

Speaker 7 And at first, I guess I was their coach, teaching them marketing, helping to get their message out to more people. And then I found out what their message was.
It really resonated with me.

Speaker 7 And then we ended up, my wife and I ended up joining their coaching programs. We went to New Jersey originally, went through the first event, and then we went to Jamaica and did the couples retreat.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 7 so they're someone who, again, came to my world to learn how to get their message out. And then their message changed me and changed my family and changed some of my relationships.

Speaker 7 They are my coaches in this this area of my life. And I am so excited because for the last, I don't know how many years, I've been begging them to write a book.
And they finally did.

Speaker 7 And not only did they write a book, they wrote a really, really good book. Okay, I am very picky.
I hate most books nowadays.

Speaker 7 Most books are written by AI or they're written by someone who tries to get done in a weekend. To write a good book, you have to bleed your message.

Speaker 7 And they did this with this book. I'm really excited for them.
I'm proud of them for doing it. And so I'm going to introduce you guys to my guest today, Stacey and Paul Martino.

Speaker 7 How are you guys doing? Great.

Speaker 8 And Russell, it's great to to be here. And thank you.
Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 7 And we actually eventually got you to move to Boise, which is even cooler.

Speaker 9 So that was the ultimate funnel.

Speaker 6 Very successful. We brought you all the way here.

Speaker 7 So before we get into it, so I'm so excited about the book. We're going to talk about it.
It's called The Missing Piece. And

Speaker 7 what's the link again? I'll drop it.

Speaker 9 The Missing Peacebook.com.

Speaker 7 MissingPeaceBook.com. You can go and get a copy.
There's links there. You can get them on Amazon and Barnes and all the different places.

Speaker 7 But then if you come back with your receipt, you can get a whole bunch of cool bonuses. And so we'll talk about it three or four more times.

Speaker 7 But if you want to get the book, and you should, it's called The Missing Piece.

Speaker 7 And before we get into this, I know that as you guys are writing this book, we talked a lot about it, and you tried different paths and avenues.

Speaker 7 And finally, it was like, we're just going to do it the hardest way possible.

Speaker 9 And that sounds like us. And book writing is hard, right?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 7 And so, this is a quote that only people who actually write a really good book, not people who had AI write it for them or whatever, will understand. So this is the quote.

Speaker 7 It says, Writing is just like reading, except the book is trying to kill you.

Speaker 6 So does that sound kind of like we got

Speaker 6 really interesting. Oh, man.
Why didn't you tell me that?

Speaker 9 Yes, every day, facing the demon.

Speaker 7 It's so fun.

Speaker 7 So before we go deep into the book, and we're going to go deep into some of the principles and philosophies that have changed my life and you guys have done a lot, I would love to have you guys tell your story.

Speaker 7 Because some people in the Cliff Fronse world know because you've spoken on our stage before, but I would love for you to tell your story about how this whole methodology came about.

Speaker 7 Because it's not like traditional relationships. It's not couples counseling.
It's not therapy. It's something completely different.

Speaker 7 I'd love to hear the story again about how this whole thing came to be.

Speaker 9 Yeah. Oh, my gosh.
So, over 20 years ago, Paul and I have been together almost 30 years this year. And this was over 20 years ago.

Speaker 9 I was just like any other night sitting on the driveway with our dog waiting for Paul to come home.

Speaker 9 And he got out of the car, and I immediately knew from looking at his face, like something was wrong. You know how you get that feeling when you look at someone like, what happened?

Speaker 9 And he sat down and told me, like he was done he felt like there was no way this was going to work out it wasn't like hey look i'm not happy or hey this is harder than it should be he didn't want to sit down and talk about it he was there to tell me he was leaving that night like it was already done it almost felt like i was the last to know

Speaker 9 and something

Speaker 9 about that just completely broke me open. Now, I wasn't the girl that you know me as now.
I was the ice princess back then and really, really hardened and rough.

Speaker 9 And like that did not come with a handbook for great relationships. So it's not like I was surprised.
Every other relationship had also ended before that one, but

Speaker 9 it really broke me. I think it was the shock of it.
And I will say now that was like the worst experience of my life was going through breaking down with Paul.

Speaker 9 But I will say that I don't know that this would have happened if I wasn't so shocked in that moment because I actually ended up breaking open and crying.

Speaker 9 And I was even to myself saying, like, why are you crying? What the heck's going on with you? What's wrong with you? Pull it together. And like, I couldn't.

Speaker 9 And in that breakdown, I felt this surge of love for Paul and also this knowing that he's not wrong. You know, our relationship is crap.
And in my mind, I was always like, well, whose isn't, right?

Speaker 9 But

Speaker 9 to be fair, I'm like, you you know, I don't know how to do this.

Speaker 9 And so for some absolutely insane reason, which I really don't still know to this day,

Speaker 9 I decided, like, I need another chance to figure this out. I can't go through life being blindsided by relationships that break down.
And I hope that it saves us.

Speaker 9 But even if it doesn't, and not to be selfish, but in that moment, I was like, it has to save me. I can't.
I just cannot.

Speaker 9 Because here I'm living in my icy tower, closed off from the world, thinking I'm going to protect myself from heartbreak.

Speaker 9 And the biggest heartbreak of my entire life, I'm like, how do I move forward from today?

Speaker 9 And so, with that, like, almost desperation moment,

Speaker 9 I decided to dive in and try to figure out everything I could figure out. Luckily, I came from like a personal growth background.
And so, I'm like, hey, this must be figure outable.

Speaker 9 Thank goodness I have that going for me. But everything I picked up, every book, every audio program, back then it was on tape, every

Speaker 9 speaker I could listen to, everything I put into place with me and Paul ended up making things worse.

Speaker 9 But using my personal development approach, I would reverse engineer what wasn't working and try things that would work. And it was just through trial and error.

Speaker 9 That eventually I accidentally figured out that, hey, actually, I could figure out what works. Paul's just wired completely differently than me.

Speaker 9 And if I could wrap things that I say in ways that someone with his wiring can understand, oh my gosh, things that used to be problems aren't problems anymore. And then I'm like, and it only took me.

Speaker 9 Paul wasn't touching this with the 10-foot pole. Like, so it only took me.
And that's how we accidentally discovered it.

Speaker 9 And I know Paul was like very certain that night. And this changed for him as well in that moment.

Speaker 8 Yeah. So, you know, like for me, it was a case where

Speaker 8 I didn't feel good about what I was doing and what I was coming there for that night, but I didn't see any other way. Like, to me, I had struggled with this for a long time.

Speaker 8 We had a lot of our kerfuffles back and forth, and they seem to be getting more and more frequent. They seem to be getting more intense.

Speaker 8 And for me, I sort of have like this tripwire, this trapdoor where, like, I'm really calm, I'm understanding, and I'm patient until I get pushed just a little too far.

Speaker 8 And the problem really that came about for me was, you know, in these

Speaker 8 later days of that part of our relationship, it was getting to the point where now I'm becoming hostile. I'm becoming aggressive.
So like it was deteriorating. And at the same time, I didn't know why.

Speaker 8 Like, I was so frustrated. I'm like,

Speaker 8 I wrongly believed it was just us. Like, somehow we're just incompatible.

Speaker 8 And I had all these false beliefs that we now know so many other people have as well too, that I just felt like it was hopeless. I'm like, I'm a really logical guy.
I'm committed.

Speaker 8 And I'm not a lightweight where like I'm willing to, as I call it, take the sword and do, you know, take the sword for the greater good and kind of suck it up.

Speaker 8 But it was only making it worse for both of us. So, you know, it was getting worse for her, it's getting worse for me.

Speaker 8 So I felt like the honorable, right thing to do was just to take that stand and say, you know what? You be free. You're going to be happier with someone else.

Speaker 8 I'll be happier clearly at some point somewhere else too, but I don't know why this isn't working, but I see no possible way this can work out.

Speaker 8 And because of that hopelessness, I felt like it was the right thing to do was just to be like, I'm sorry, this is over.

Speaker 8 And honestly, to take such a strong stance to say, and there's like, there's no going back. I was so certain about it because I didn't want it to be like we're kind of broken up.

Speaker 8 I wanted to do the honorable thing and say, this is over and end it. And

Speaker 8 I think that that's why, like, and I, in hindsight now, like, how awful for me to have blindsided her and not have brought this up.

Speaker 8 But I felt like at the time that all of these fights were sort of saying it for me, right? And that she would just understand. But, you know, the breakdown was the breakthrough.

Speaker 8 And thank God for this breakdown moment.

Speaker 8 And we often say to our students now, too, like, I actually pray that you hit the wall because it's only when you hit the wall are you willing to do something different. And that was Stacey.

Speaker 8 So the real hero here was Stacy because she was willing to do something different. And she did.
And to be fair, she wasn't doing it for me, rightly so. She was doing it for a better life for herself.

Speaker 8 And I honored that.

Speaker 8 And it led to the breakthrough that we never intended to discover. But that hopelessness is where we see people

Speaker 8 breaking down and divorcing now. And from our perspective, having gone through and made it through successfully, like that's such an incredible tragedy.

Speaker 8 And it really is because we're hitting the point where we feel like there's nothing more I can do. And this is hopeless.

Speaker 8 And therefore, we have all these false beliefs as to why it's not going to work. And what we've learned is they are all false beliefs.
And it's all thanks to the journey that Stacey took.

Speaker 7 So cool. So that started this journey.
And I think what's fascinating,

Speaker 7 and this is the subtitle of of the book, right? Like a proven method to single-handedly transform your relationships and create harmony in your home.

Speaker 7 Like, what you're talking about is not what most people think of, of like, all right, we're going to go get a therapist, we're going to talk it out.

Speaker 7 And that's what was fascinating when you first started talking about like this something that

Speaker 7 you change yourself and it changes a relationship. It's not trying to fix the other person or change the other person.

Speaker 7 It's you changing yourself, which is such a different way to look at this kind of thing.

Speaker 7 And I'm curious, I'm sure you guys know the stats, but what percentage of marriages right now end in divorce versus when someone's following the process you guys have?

Speaker 7 Can you share some of that information?

Speaker 9 Yeah, well, right now, according to most studies, first marriages are ending at like 50% divorce rate. The average marriage right now only lasts eight years.
Average.

Speaker 9 So think of how many people you know getting divorced after 15, 20 years. Can you imagine what else is happening to balance?

Speaker 9 So, and like second marriages and third and beyond is larger.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 in our world, we had a six-year study of our relationship with students. And during that six-year, we had a 1% divorce rate the whole time.

Speaker 9 And our students not only, and they're not, you know, just saving a...

Speaker 9 crappy marriage they're truly rebuilding re-transforming their relationship and saying they themselves are becoming the happiest that they've ever been and it really comes down to not just working on yourself like look we're huge fans of personal development like we've done tons of personal you have like love it love it love it and

Speaker 9 the missing piece really has been relationship development because personal development you're becoming the best version of yourself almost in spite of everybody else regardless of everybody else getting on board the missing skill set has been this relationship development.

Speaker 9 Now, how can I relate to anyone else, regardless of how they're wired, in a way that builds up our relationship instead of breaking it down.

Speaker 9 That has been this missing piece in our understanding of human dynamics, regardless if it's your team members, your coworkers, your kids, your spouse, your family members. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 9 It's about this way of relating in a way that doesn't break things down. And even just the premise of, so yes, it's about developing yourself, but developing yourself with this relating skill set.

Speaker 9 The relating skill set really is the piece that's been missing. And yeah, we don't do any couples work.

Speaker 7 I remember at Inner Circle the very first time you shared this and it was one of the funny, I can't remember the guy's name, but yeah, you said basically the nicest thing is that it only takes one person to change.

Speaker 7 He's like, sweet, can you talk to my wife?

Speaker 7 He's like, I don't want to do the work. But

Speaker 7 so what's cool is like, so in our Minor Circle program, as you guys know, everyone has a chance to get on stage and share.

Speaker 7 And I remember, I don't remember which meeting it was, but you guys got on stage and we actually shared this, I don't know if you call it the philosophy or framework, whatever you want to call it, but it was the thing that, like, when it clicked in my head, that's when I was like, going all in, like, hey, let's sign up for everything.

Speaker 7 Like, I just called Hilda Clint, I'm like, we're gonna go and jump into this.

Speaker 7 But it was, it was when you taught the framework, showing the difference between demand relationship and relationship development.

Speaker 7 And I think if people understand that piece, that was the piece unlocked in my head where I was like, okay, I want to go all in on this.

Speaker 7 And maybe that's the thing that gets them to go read the book and jump all in. But you guys explain that because I think that was, like I said, the most powerful thing initially for me to understand.

Speaker 9 Yeah, so I mean, the old way that people have done relationship for hundreds of years is what we kind of put into a label of demand relationship.

Speaker 9 Demand relationship is where you tell other people or someone or something outside of you how things need to change in order for yourself to be happy, peaceful, comfortable, right?

Speaker 9 So it's like, don't use that tone with me.

Speaker 6 I don't like that tone.

Speaker 9 Or the backpack can't be there every day. You got to hang up that backpack.
And this is literally the pattern of how relationships have worked for a very, very long time.

Speaker 9 Whether it's your parents with you or spouses with each other or teachers with students, it doesn't matter. It's always about telling other people.

Speaker 9 And like, you don't have to look far right now to see people telling other people how they need to think, what they need to feel. And the truth is, we all know by now.

Speaker 9 doesn't work the people don't love it like people really do not love it when you tell people are so sick and tired of being told to think differently, to feel differently, what you think isn't the right way.

Speaker 6 Like,

Speaker 9 there's so many people on the planet, and everybody has their own way of seeing the world.

Speaker 9 And so when we're constantly in this spiral of telling people what they need to change, it breaks down the relationship.

Speaker 9 And what Paul and I like to do is kind of show people, it's like putting bricks in a wall.

Speaker 9 And every time there's this unsettled upset or unrest or disagreement between you and another person in a long-term relationship, it's like you put another brick in the wall between you.

Speaker 9 And in short-term relationships like that, those things don't matter. But when you stay with the same person for a long time, these bricks start going in the wall.

Speaker 9 And that's what's happening right now is that When we don't have the skill set to come to a win-win, when we find ourselves in the win-loser, we're compromising, we're pleasing, we're trying to convince other people to see it our way, and we're stuck in this my way or your way tug of war win-lose, and we don't know what else to do, bricks are going in the wall.

Speaker 9 And before you know it, in a long-term relationship, you don't even see the other person. You can't feel them anymore.
You wonder, do I even love them anymore? I don't even know who we are anymore.

Speaker 9 And people start to say things like Paul was saying about the false beliefs, like love just fades over time, or we grew apart, or we're too different, or there's something about, and all of that is not true.

Speaker 9 But when the brick wall becomes a certain height, then everything your partner does or says gets filtered by or flavored by this brick wall. And you're not really seeing them.

Speaker 9 You're seeing all the pains lighting up in the brick wall every time you try to interact with them. And when people don't have the skills to take the bricks out,

Speaker 9 that's what's happening right now.

Speaker 9 Now, in relationship development, which is literally a framework and a paradigm that we created as a solution to demand-relationship worked in an older time where one person said, do this, and the other person said, Okay, thank you.

Speaker 9 Like, independent, free people who both want to contribute to a partnership today don't want to be part of that, and good for them.

Speaker 6 And so,

Speaker 7 one thing I remember you said that

Speaker 7 still stuck with me is you talked about throughout history, like demand-relationship, there's a power player and someone weak, right? And the power player, like, telling them what to do.

Speaker 7 And then you said, for the first, however, maybe 6,000 years of society, that was fine because someone would be, you know, and then when people could get divorced, then it broke everything, right?

Speaker 7 Because now it's like that person can leave. And then that's when everything starts falling apart.

Speaker 9 It started to break down. That's exactly right.
So, yeah, I love it. We're getting into it.

Speaker 9 So, when you have this dynamic, which is what demand relationship is, where there's been a power player and a non-power player, which, if you think 100 years ago, that's absolutely what was going on.

Speaker 9 And whatever, that's the way it was. But today, people just leave if they're not happy.

Speaker 9 And once people could leave a relationship, once people became free to be equals in a relationship, that power player, non-power player of like, hey, if we disagree, what I say goes, stop working.

Speaker 9 And it's the same thing that's not working with our kids today. And so demand relationship is when someone is trying to be the power player, which is just using leverage, whatever leverage you have.

Speaker 9 For some people, it is commands, but for some people, it's guilt. For some people, it's pleasing.
I'm going to please.

Speaker 9 I'm going to do what you want, not what I want, because then you'll be happy with me and I'll get my way next time. Like, it's not always commands.
Pleasing is also demand relationship.

Speaker 9 It's whenever you're doing something that you're trying to get.

Speaker 9 the other person to change in response to you.

Speaker 9 When you put that into the loop, so to speak, they feel it you feel it you feel it when people interact with you where they're trying to get you to change your response and that used to work but it doesn't work today and so yes demand relationship has broken down but we've never been taught a different skill set nobody knows a different way to be and so we created this relationship development approach which is really a skills based approach for relating to humans.

Speaker 9 Literally, that's all it is, is a skills-based approach for relating to other humans where both people are empowered. And we have a way of communicating to build a bridge between two people.

Speaker 9 One is not better, one is not worse, one is not right, one is not wrong, but we're building almost like a Google Translate for how to talk to each other.

Speaker 9 And we learn how to be happy and peaceful while relating to people around us who are wired differently, but in a way that builds up our relationships with them instead of breaking it down.

Speaker 8 And if you think about it, it's kind of like the personal development that you create when you have these skill sets is the personal development that raises those with you up as well too.

Speaker 8 So it's the way to live with everyone being free and equal in a way that builds everyone up, even when there's differences, even if they don't see it your way, even if they're not a supporter of your business, for example, like the old things that used to keep us stuck.

Speaker 8 These are things now that when you can bridge those differences, everyone rises. So everything around you grows.
Instead of I'm powerful

Speaker 8 away from everyone by myself, I'm a powerful being, which is great. Now I'm a powerful being with everyone else, and I'm bringing them up as well, too.
So like

Speaker 8 it is the missing piece in personal development. It's the missing piece in how we relate.
It's the missing piece as to why the slow decay happens,

Speaker 8 as we can expect in a long-term relationship, and how it was avoidable.

Speaker 8 We couldn't see that it was avoidable, so people had all these false beliefs that were created, such as love just fades over time. And we hear that.

Speaker 8 Normally, after you get married, you'll hear that, but you know, but it really is a kind of thing that people accept. And they're like, that's just the way it is.
Actually, that's just the way it was.

Speaker 8 And it didn't have to be that way.

Speaker 8 And that's the real breakthrough here is there is a way of relating to others in a long-term relationship that stops that wall from growing, allows each to be independently, authentically who they are without needing to compromise, which is what we always thought we were doing.

Speaker 8 We thought we were showing up, you know, as our best self.

Speaker 8 But over time, as that wall grows, we don't show up as our best self because when we hit the end of our skill set, now we don't have any tools.

Speaker 8 We end up ramping up the demand relationship, which causes the bricks to stack faster and we isolate ourselves from others.

Speaker 8 So when we can stop the brick walls, stop the isolation, come back to being together and authentically who we are without having to compromise or please, now we have that magic, which is what we thought that relationship would be, the long-term relationship.

Speaker 8 And everyone thrives because they're authentically who they are and they're happy. So it really is the missing piece, which is why the book title became so important.
All of these pieces fit together.

Speaker 8 And this was the hole in the middle that was unfulfilled all this time.

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Speaker 7 Do you remember what year that Clett and I came to Jersey?

Speaker 9 Was that

Speaker 7 2019? 2019. Okay, so we went there and I still remember.
In fact, we still have it on our fridge to this day. You guys had a chart.
I don't know if it's in the book or not.

Speaker 7 Okay, the demand relationship chart where it's got, do you know where page it's on? Because I want people to find it. Okay, page 30.

Speaker 6 Come on. I'm impressed.
Come on now. Oh,

Speaker 7 yes. So this is, okay, so.

Speaker 7 Like you need to buy the book no matter what, but page 30 is like I literally so it's in 2019 so what's that five years anyway it's been on our fridge ever since then and this is cool because on the left hand side it shows you guys kind of see this wherever you're at but left hand side says demand relationship it shows all these things and the right hand side says relation development it's like i don't know if it's the opposite but it's the other version that's correct right and i think what's cool about this so demand relationship this is why it was so impactful for for clett and i um

Speaker 7 both of us used tools and to do demand that we didn't even know we were using, right? Because we were just like, this is how humans interact.

Speaker 7 We watched it on TV and everywhere else so we do these things um and it was breaking down our relationship but then after uh after we did it with uh like for ourselves as a couple then we started looking at the kids right and this is really hard especially as parents when you have kids that drive you crazy you just want to demand you know and um

Speaker 7 and we started realizing that like we were being the power player in their in their in their lives and it was scary because it's like when they can leave they're going to leave and they're going to disappear and things like that right and so we started like changing how we related to them but then it all started coming for me like with my employees, right?

Speaker 7 With my employees, I started looking like I'm the boss of the employees.

Speaker 7 And there were a lot of times I was like, I'm using these same things to push, you know, my mind is like trying to get the, you know, we're pushing them.

Speaker 7 This is how not realizing that like I'm creating the same brick wall there. And like when they are able to leave, they're leaving.

Speaker 7 And so I started looking from so many different angles and it made me start looking at myself, okay, I'm doing this demand relationship thing, which is not good in so many areas.

Speaker 7 And so that's why today we saw on the fridge, I want to look like, oh, I'm making, I'm making, I'm blaming them, or I'm trying to use criticism or whatever these things are.

Speaker 7 I'm like, what's the opposite?

Speaker 7 Okay, instead of criticism, I need to be doing compassion or whatever, you know, and it helped me to start like learning those because you don't know what you're doing because every role model we have everywhere is doing this, you know?

Speaker 7 And I look at even my,

Speaker 7 you know, my family growing up, my parents love them to death. My mom is definitely a demand relationship person.

Speaker 7 And I see it and I've seen, you know, now looking 40 years later, what's happened with some of the kids and stuff like that. And I was like, starting getting scared for with my kids, right?

Speaker 7 And so it's like, I started shifting these things around. And it's interesting because

Speaker 7 we've got, I've got five amazing kids, as you guys know. One of them definitely was like the one that we butted heads a lot with.
And the default was always like, how do we just use our leverage to

Speaker 9 what we need him to do for his own good?

Speaker 7 Yes. And so it was weird because.

Speaker 7 We consciously, for like the last two or three years before he, before they graduated, was like, how do we do this?

Speaker 7 Because we need to make sure we have a relationship we need to make sure and um it's been fascinating because when he turned 18 he moved out he wanted to experience the world but um what's been cool is i think because we didn't do what we instinctively wanted to do which was like ah like we still have a great relationship he still calls he talks to clutt and me like all that you know like it's it's it's cool and it's like now we still have influence in his life where we would have we we could have and we would have lost it completely and that would have been the biggest tragedy where now it's like maybe he didn't do exactly what we wanted but we still have influence we still have relationship and it's and it's you know it's it's really cool.

Speaker 7 So, I, first off, thank you for that gift. Um, but also, I've, again, tried to do these things with my, with my employees and my team, and I'm not perfect at it.

Speaker 7 You can ask them, I probably do too much of it, but it's a, it's a thing that I'm aware of and I try to do because I want to build a relationship, which then builds better teams and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 7 So, anyway, there's my rant or my tangent on demand relationship, but it's that powerful, like that's such

Speaker 7 a important thing that I want to make sure people don't.

Speaker 9 And I think what you captured there so beautifully is that this old pattern of demand relationship really is a pattern of control.

Speaker 9 And when you run to the end of your skill set, right, you're like, I just need you to do this, like, because I'm looking out for you, because this is going to be the best way for you.

Speaker 9 But unfortunately, when you do that, it breaks down the relationship. And then when, as soon as they can be free to get away from you, they can't get away fast enough.

Speaker 9 And then you don't have a relationship with them. All you have is a loss of control.
And that is the fear that you felt on the horizon.

Speaker 9 Like, if we don't change now, when he gets out, we're never going to have that front row seat to be there for whatever's going to come that he's going to do.

Speaker 9 And that is the key. That is what so many parents tell us: that

Speaker 9 whether it's what you're doing with your kids, your spouse, your family members, your team members, whatever it is, it's about changing the way that we interoperate with people so that we actually get a great outcome.

Speaker 9 The outcome we can be happy with and they can be happy with, but it also builds the relationship up at the same time.

Speaker 9 So we're not constantly having people get to a point of threshold where they're like, I have to get away from you, which pretty much you can see everywhere right now is people hitting thresholds saying, I can't be around you anymore, right?

Speaker 9 And that is a result of demand relationship gone wild.

Speaker 8 Another thing, too, is like Russell, you said it, and that's how it is.

Speaker 8 As parents, we care so much, like we're willing to sort of take the sword, you know, and be the bad guy, we think, to get an outcome.

Speaker 8 And then what happens is, and this is one of the many false beliefs because we didn't have another way, is we end up bringing more and more force.

Speaker 8 So as they get older, they're teenagers, they listen less. We have to ramp it up.
Now we have to yell louder. We have to have more consequences because we've run to the end of our skill set.

Speaker 8 And even though we had the best of intentions,

Speaker 8 as you said, we're damaging that relationship.

Speaker 8 What would be great for everybody to think about is, you know, in a relationship, if you're bringing force over and over, even with the best of intentions, with the best of caring, which we all have as parents, one of two things is going to happen.

Speaker 8 If you keep bringing force to something over time, it will either break, not good, or it's going to harden against you, teenage rebellion. And then what are we left with?

Speaker 8 Without the skill sets, we're still trying to get the outcome for their best.

Speaker 8 greatest good in life and we care so much but it's futile and all we're doing is actually getting the opposite so just like you said so astutely we have less and less influence.

Speaker 8 Eventually they're just going to leave. And that goes back to that false belief that we actually have the ability to sort of force this outcome for them.

Speaker 8 And here's the other fault with that, which is unexpected for people, which is when we do this, even though we have the best of intentions, the more they push us away, the more they block it out, the very thing we wanted to give them becomes the very thing they don't want to hear at all.

Speaker 8 So we're actually getting the opposite outcome, thinking we're doing the best for them. And if we just accept the futility,

Speaker 8 they don't have to look very far for past experience with this to just be like, you know what? I accept that that's futile.

Speaker 8 That at least is an opening for someone to say, all right, there must be another way, a better way, and there is.

Speaker 8 And that's what we're trying to get our message out to the world on is like, there's a better way. And this is futile.

Speaker 8 If you're just willing to accept the fact that granted, it's the only model we've ever known, but it doesn't work when people are free. And what's more, just like you said, is

Speaker 8 we want that relationship with our children these days.

Speaker 8 Maybe in past decades, it wasn't that kind of a way, but these days we really do care about having that relationship. And you said it also so astutely, which is we still have their ear.

Speaker 8 If you don't get them to harden against you or break, when they do leave and

Speaker 8 we can no longer watch out for them, they're off at college or they're away somewhere and we can't watch out for them.

Speaker 8 All we hope is like, well, I hope that some of the stuff that I was trying to give them got through, right?

Speaker 8 But if we can stay within what we call the sphere of influence and have real influence, have a real relationship with them, have them really really tell us what's going on, even if it's uncomfortable.

Speaker 8 Now we're with them still and we're still able to be a guide for them, which is really what we wanted in life.

Speaker 8 While they become their own person who takes those actions on their own when we're not watching autonomously and authentically for themselves because that they own it.

Speaker 6 They own it because they got it.

Speaker 8 They appreciate it and they're not blocking it out. They're not rebelling against it.
Like it becomes part of them. So if we're not trying to force it in, people will be open.

Speaker 8 Our children will listen when you, and we have that outcome at our household, which is they genuinely ask us, well, what do you think?

Speaker 8 And I don't think that's what's happening for most teenagers in most of the world right now.

Speaker 8 But because of the environment we've created, they actually come to us and they know, like, all right, you've got a lot of years ahead of me. What do you think? What do you see?

Speaker 8 And sometimes they're like, no, right?

Speaker 6 And that's okay.

Speaker 8 But they're listening and they're asking. And that's the most important thing.

Speaker 8 So we're truly getting a chance to help give them the gifts, show them what it is that we've learned from life, what we value in life, and offer it to them. And it's truly an offer.

Speaker 8 There's no pushing, there's there's no you must, there's no demand, no attachment to the outcome. And they get a chance to weigh it out.

Speaker 8 Now, the great thing about that is, so when they do leave and they're outside of our sphere of influence directly where we can't see what's going on, it's who they are.

Speaker 8 And then when they own it, it's effortless for us. There's no forcing.
There's no, hey, did you do this? Like they do it for themselves because they know it's the right thing to do and they own it.

Speaker 8 So if we really want to give to someone, the most important thing is not to force it, to create that sphere of influence so they're willing to listen.

Speaker 8 And then whatever's authentic for them, they will own and we don't have to push ever again on that.

Speaker 8 It just becomes effortless for them and they see the wisdom, which is all we wanted to give, the insights.

Speaker 8 So cool.

Speaker 7 So I know a lot of people listening to my podcast or watching it on YouTube, they came to you for business advice. And so

Speaker 7 And obviously we're talking about relationships and kids and stuff. So I'm hoping I'm going to ask some questions that will relate more to maybe entrepreneurs as a whole.

Speaker 7 And then my goal, I I think your goal is that hopefully they'll read the book and then fix their most important relationship, which is their spouse and then their kids.

Speaker 7 And then they can use business stuff because it doesn't matter. It's important.
But,

Speaker 7 you know, I think in the business world specifically, we don't talk enough about the things that matter the most.

Speaker 7 I remember after one of our funnel hiking live events, I don't know if you remember this, but you boxed me afterwards and you were like in tears. You're like, I'm so excited.

Speaker 7 These people, they had these big business transformations.

Speaker 7 But you told me like the biggest fear is that because they're getting so much excitement and fulfillment from this, that they're going to forget about the most important thing, which is their family.

Speaker 7 And you think about this, like a lot of times

Speaker 7 when people, when I ask them why they got started in business, like I did this because I wanted to make money for my family and to get freedom for my family and so we could do these things.

Speaker 7 And they go on this thing and then they lose themselves and they lose their family because they forget about it. So we're going to trick them by talking about business side of things.

Speaker 7 But I'm hoping you guys all will do this and actually

Speaker 6 learn how to not demand them.

Speaker 7 But I want to make this really real for just a situation a lot of our people come into.

Speaker 7 So they come to an event, they hear me or Tony Robbins or someone, they get fired up, and then they come back home, and then they want to go and just like vomit on their friends.

Speaker 7 I would love, I know, Stacey, I've had you share this at Funnel Hacking Live other events. It's one of my favorite of all your frameworks, but will you teach them the right-hand, left-hand framework?

Speaker 7 Because there's something very applicable to, especially, we just got on Funnel Hacking Live 10 a couple weeks ago, and people are still on Cloud9.

Speaker 7 But if we're not careful, like we can ruin so many important people's lives when we do our jump into our personal development world and geek out on that. So I love if you want to share that.

Speaker 7 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 9 So right hand, left hand is a tool we created for exactly this.

Speaker 9 So you come and you do all of your growth work and you come home from Funnel Hacking Live, the last dance, and you're so on fire about it.

Speaker 9 And you just vomit that all over the people in your life who are not at Funnel Hacking Live. First tip, they weren't at funnel hacking live.

Speaker 9 They are not maybe into it, right?

Speaker 7 They haven't drinked the Kool A year. Yes.

Speaker 9 And so one of the things that first of all what we were just talking about the attachment this is where attachment comes back attachment is always demand relationship when you're attached to needing someone else to be excited about what you're excited about you're so setting yourself up for failure you're putting that attachment into the loop and they feel that either they feel like I'm not good enough if I'm not into what they're into or they think I need this or they're trying to force me to think differently about it like they do and the the boomerang is negativity.

Speaker 9 But so what happens is we vomit all of our personal growth and development in our business, especially people who are entrepreneurs vomiting all of your ideation and this is what happened today.

Speaker 9 And this is what I'm thinking about doing. This is my

Speaker 6 extra.

Speaker 9 Right. And other people in your life who are not into it.
They don't love it. So we made this tool so that you can build up your relationships instead of breaking them down.

Speaker 9 Because unlike what other people say, you can have it all. You can have an unbelievable, thriving business where you are fulfilled.

Speaker 9 You can have an unbelievable, thriving relationship where you're fulfilled. You don't have to choose, and you should never have to choose between those two things.

Speaker 9 So, right-hand, left-hand is there's two primary groups of people in your life: your friends and family who know you the longest, and your left-hand is your tribe, the people who are into it, doing the development path with you, business, personal development, relationship development, whatever that is.

Speaker 9 And pain happens

Speaker 9 when you don't know your role. You don't know what hand you're in.

Speaker 9 When you are with your right-hand people, which are your friends and family, who are just not on the development path, but you're interacting with them as if they're your left-hand, as if they're your tribe, and they should totally get this and be totally into it too.

Speaker 9 That's when pain happens.

Speaker 9 There's nothing wrong with them. There's nothing wrong with you.
It's that you don't have the skill set to do this. So, right-hand, left-hand is a couple things.
One,

Speaker 9 know what hand you're in before you enter the conversation. Is this a tribe left hand person where I can talk about my celery juice in the morning and all the great things that I'm doing?

Speaker 6 Oh, they want a fast. That's right.

Speaker 9 Or is this a right-hand friends and family member who just asked for another piece of pie and did not want a dissertation on your food cleanse? Right.

Speaker 9 And know what hand you're in before you enter it. And then two is know your role.

Speaker 9 So here's the thing, and I know this is hard for people, but that's exactly the opportunity for growth that we need to step into, which is when you're with your seventh power, this is why you have to have a seventh power, first of all, in your life, your tribe, the people you grow with, like Inner Circle and Atlas and Prime Mover and all the groups that we do together.

Speaker 9 And relationship you for us, like you have to have that group of people because that's who you interact with, that's who you share with, that's who you grow with.

Speaker 9 Those are the same people that will kick your butt all the way up the mountain if you're not living to your potential. And you need to have that.

Speaker 9 You fill up from your seventh power, your tribe, your group of people in your left hand.

Speaker 9 And then when you're with the people who are in your right hand, your friends and family, that's where you, one, give unconditional compassion for where they are in life right now, which is already like a record scratch for a lot of people who find it hard.

Speaker 9 That's exactly the

Speaker 9 skill we need to exercise then to grow in because everyone deserves unconditional compassion for where they are in life right now

Speaker 9 and be able to give. Just show up to give, to be contributing to their life in any way that you can,

Speaker 9 but not offering unsolicited advice that's not asked for.

Speaker 9 Because if you do that, if you're with your friends and family and you are living by example and you are giving them unconditional compassion, when they stumble, they may say, you know what?

Speaker 6 I'm going to call Russell.

Speaker 9 I'm going to text Stacy. Like, they are always so

Speaker 9 supportive of me. They're just that person who has it together.
I'm going to reach out to them. But you know who they're not going to reach out to?

Speaker 9 The person who's constantly vomiting about all the things that they're not doing.

Speaker 9 They just feel judged, criticized, less than.

Speaker 9 It breaks down relationships.

Speaker 9 So there is a way to build up relationships when you're with people who are not on the same growth path as you by understanding your role and being the leader in that moment.

Speaker 9 So A, make sure that you're filling up your left-hand group of people, of people that are growing with you.

Speaker 9 And then B, when you're with your friends and family, lead by example, unconditional compassion,

Speaker 9 and be there to give.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I don't know if I ever told you this, but that framework, when you first shared it, had such a big impact on me, specifically with someone in my family who

Speaker 7 who changed some of their beliefs and things like that that were really hard. And everyone in my family, including me, were all like, what are you doing? You're crazy, da-da-da.

Speaker 7 And about that time, you were in my life, and you shared that. And I thought about that, like the unconditional compassion.
And I was like, you're 100% right.

Speaker 7 Like, if we're all just ragging on these people for changing things that we don't agree with, that... even if they wanted to change later, they're not going to come back to us.

Speaker 7 And we were the annoying people.

Speaker 6 That's right.

Speaker 7 And I remember having that conversation with Colette, like, we need to give them unconditional compassion we need to love them we need to like so that way if someday something happens that we'll be the ones they would be willing to reach out to and it was really hard at first and then it became really fun where it was just like like i am really proud of them like yes i think they're crazy in some things but i love them and i'm happy for them and their family and so like we've tried to do that as much as we can and nothing they haven't hit threshold or whatever that thing and maybe they never will and that's okay too uh because i think you said it somewhere it's like rare that somebody has somebody who unconditionally loves them in their life and if you're that person for them, like, how does that

Speaker 9 most people will live their entire lives on this planet and die without ever receiving unconditional compassion from anyone,

Speaker 9 which is heartbreaking, but it's really true. So if you could be that thing

Speaker 9 for someone, shouldn't we?

Speaker 7 It's really special. So look all these things you guys taught me to change my life.

Speaker 6 I didn't even know about it. And right back at you, thank you for all that you've taught us as well.
Amen.

Speaker 9 The book wouldn't be sitting here on on the table.

Speaker 8 You know, the other thing, too, is like, if you think about that example with the kids, too, it applies here, too, which is with the kids, we wanted a certain outcome, and we're not going to get it the way we used to knee-jerk reaction, respond to it.

Speaker 8 And the same with the kids is...

Speaker 8 We want them to not fail. We want to be able to proactively say, if you just do this, you won't have that bad outcome.
And we want to do everything for them.

Speaker 8 And it's kind of like wrapping them in bubble plastic to some degree. And as a result, like they're not really prepared for the world.

Speaker 8 So when we see someone that we really do care about, someone close to us,

Speaker 8 and we want, like, we have, we're like, oh, this personal development thing that I just learned, or this, you know, this business tool, like we want to give it to them. But they have to...

Speaker 8 They have to fall down on their own to be like, oh, I learned that lesson. Or, oh, I hit to the point where I do need help before they're willing to listen.

Speaker 8 So we just have to have patience, just like with our kids. Like, they're not always going to listen to us.
But our job is not to wrap them in bubble plastic either.

Speaker 8 It's for them to grow to be the people that they need to become to handle the challenges ahead.

Speaker 8 And if we're judging them and criticizing them and making them feel less than because of our judgment, that's not going to bring out the best of them.

Speaker 8 And if they don't want to hear what it is that we have to offer and they fall down and they make that mistake and they learn from it, same outcome. And they get to that same

Speaker 8 positive direction that we would hope for them, but we didn't demand it.

Speaker 8 And even when we demand or we try to say, you know, guilt, shame, any of these tactics to kind of get someone to change, at the end of the day, that's all negative.

Speaker 8 Whereas with the positive one, you're always at their side with them on the journey.

Speaker 8 And that's a whole different experience for them as well, too, where they feel like, hey, he's never judged me, even when I fell down. He's been right there for me, that kind of a thing.

Speaker 8 It's just an entirely different dynamic.

Speaker 8 And if you want to give to someone, it's when they're willing to receive it and not ever when it's just convenient for us or we feel like, let me show you where you're wrong for your own good.

Speaker 8 It just, it doesn't work with people.

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Speaker 7 And I think it was anything like personal development, like, Again, me doing water fast or juicing or all the weird, hippie, weird stuff that I do, right?

Speaker 7 And it's like every time I try I try to like tell people about it like they you know it pushes them back but I'm like if I'm actually doing this and and it really actually makes me happy and they see like wow Russell actually seems really happy like that's when they're gonna come back and be like what are you doing differently and I've seen that because I see that time people are like I don't know why but you always seem happy and most people aren't like what what is it and then it opens up doors for like oh well you know I do this my health I do this my religion and it opens up doors now but it's not me forcing it's me just let me live a really good lifestyle let me be happy and like prove that like let me be the the model of what I think people should be doing.

Speaker 7 And then eventually the right people will see that. And they're like, what have you got? I want some of that.
Amen.

Speaker 7 And they're coming to you versus you like, stop eating the pie, you know, Thanksgiving or whatever, whatever the thing might be. So,

Speaker 7 okay, I want you guys to tell us more about the book and like just the process of this, right? I know what goes into writing a book, but I love the process.

Speaker 7 And like, as you're writing, what were you trying to convey? What did you want here?

Speaker 7 Like, what are the things you're most proud of that are going to give people the change when they actually sit down and get their copy and read it?

Speaker 9 Well, I think for us, you know, why this took so many years is we've actually been doing this for 14 years and we've built content all 14 years.

Speaker 9 Like we have thousands and thousands of hours of content.

Speaker 7 How many different frameworks you guys have? You have over 500. Over 500 separate frameworks you guys teach, yes.

Speaker 9 And so figuring out

Speaker 6 what could the book be about, right?

Speaker 9 And everybody had their opinions of what the book could be about. And I think what it comes down to is there's just going to probably be 10 books.

Speaker 9 But thinking about what is the first book going to be, it really had to be this foundational piece of like, if there's only one thing I could give any human on the planet

Speaker 9 that would be for harmony and humanity and have their relationships grow, what would it be?

Speaker 9 And that's what we figured out.

Speaker 9 of this

Speaker 9 the missing piece book is the foundational element of having it be a skill set

Speaker 9 Only one person needs to learn the skill set to implement it in a relationship. Relationship development method is that skill set, and that's what we put into the book.
And the thing about

Speaker 9 this, which made it, I think, unusual also is very a lot of nonfiction books are about one point.

Speaker 9 And they spend like 10 chapters building to that point and four chapters proving it. And

Speaker 9 it's a lot and it's great. But we have like 500 topics that we teach.
So we did 22 chapters and 22 topics.

Speaker 9 And so we're completely changing topic the next chapter because you have so many different facets of your life and you need to know how to handle all of them.

Speaker 9 Like I can't just leave trust out of the book. Like we have to like.

Speaker 9 if somebody has to know how to rebuild actually rebuild trust not what they think trust is like oh if if we're going to teach them that compromise is breaking down relationship then i'm we're going to have to teach them how to actually design a win-win solution from something that's been a stalemate for 25 years like those things had to go in so we really fundamentally picked out i don't know how many dozens of tools principles and strategies that somebody could literally start using and change their life just from the book and from my perspective the learning from you i'm like this book i always said this book has to land with a thud like i'm not doing a lead magnet book i I love lead magnets, like nobody's business, but like I'm not transcribing my event.

Speaker 9 I am not using AI. I am unfortunately not using a ghostwriter.

Speaker 9 I am not, dude, like it has to land with a thud and it has to still be here 100 years from now for somebody's grandchild to be able to get this if they still need it and hopefully they won't.

Speaker 9 But like that was kind of how we figured out what the book should be about.

Speaker 9 And so what my goal was that no matter who the reader is, if that reader just thinks of the three pain point kerfuffles in their life right now, whatever it may be, it may be a spouse, maybe your mother, it may be a team member who's causing too much trauma, whatever it is, the solution should be in that book.

Speaker 9 And that's what we did.

Speaker 8 And you know, Russell, I remember the time on stage where we were telling you what we do. And we're like, and it only takes one person.

Speaker 6 And you're like, you go, if you could do that, that's like worth $10 billion or whatever. I forget what your response.
And he laughed. And he laughed.
Because he thought you were joking.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and we were serious.

Speaker 8 And I think that was one of the key elements, too, is we had spent so much time on this journey where people think that's impossible.

Speaker 8 Like, there's no way, unless somebody's willing to meet me halfway, there's nothing I can do. I'm helpless, which is where we found ourselves.
I thought there was nothing I can do.

Speaker 8 I'm just at the whim of where this relationship is. And so, we talk about that to this day, like how the world is at that place.
And it's understandable that the world is at this place.

Speaker 8 So, we also had to be able to create that foundational message for the world, which is, you know, one person actually is the one who's always changing it. And relationship is a closed loop.

Speaker 8 And no one has seen it that way before. We thought we were just at the whim of personalities or we're just, did I pick wrong because I was lucky or unlucky?

Speaker 8 And all of these false beliefs that we carry actually are all the

Speaker 8 symptoms of our lack of skill set and our lack of visibility of these fundamental principles that are really involved in a human relationship.

Speaker 8 And then taking it back to business and work as well too, is when we accept the fact that this is a closed loop, how we show up in business, how we show up with our kids, how we show up at home, how we show up with our parents,

Speaker 8 we do have the power. And that was one of the things that has been off of everyone's radar that made it where people would laugh.

Speaker 8 And we'd say, it only takes one person to change a relationship because people just didn't conceive it was even real.

Speaker 8 And yet it's what we have found is it's the truth behind what's really happening. And everything else that we're suffering with, we're suffering as a result of what has been a missing piece.

Speaker 8 It is one person.

Speaker 8 And when we get our power back and we stop blaming others for why things can't work and we take personal responsibility for what we're putting into the loop, now we end up, instead of demanding and working uphill, trying to force the changes that we'd like to see around us, we are leaders who decide what is the outcome that I want and how's the best way to get there with their true cooperation.

Speaker 8 Instead of they're going to fold to my power, how do I genuinely get them to collaborate with me on what it is I'm I'm trying to accomplish and work? What's already motivating them and work with that?

Speaker 8 What are their existing skill sets? How are they wired? Working with that as a leader to guide it in our businesses for our children. What is their strength?

Speaker 8 What are the things that are not their strengths, right?

Speaker 8 How to help them be their authentic selves, as they were meant to be wired, not to keep pointing out all the things that they were not wired for, because we all have things that we're really strong at and things that we're not.

Speaker 8 So when we start to get that fundamental message out into the world, that was the fundamental piece is this book had to make it crystal clear that by the time you're done with this, that you can no longer see it as I have no power to make a difference here.

Speaker 8 It had to be that, that we call it landing with a thud message, because otherwise people just will continue to

Speaker 8 like surrender to my circumstances and just say, this is impossible, and throw up their hands thinking there's no way it can work.

Speaker 8 Much like was my story that night with Stacy saying, there's nothing else I can do. I was dead wrong.

Speaker 8 And we have to save people in that way, which is, no, actually, you just, you're just beginning now. Now that you accept the fact that what I've been doing is futile, now you're ready to begin.

Speaker 8 So it needed to be that message that made it from like, what?

Speaker 8 These crazy people saying one person can change any relationship to, oh my gosh, I see how the couple's approach is actually a failing approach because nobody's going to just always come over to my side of the fence and see it my way.

Speaker 8 So like, it had to be that foundational message as well, too.

Speaker 8 And I think Stacey did such a phenomenal job of bringing, like, she has a gift with words and creating stories of actual dialogue between people.

Speaker 8 And I think most people will see themselves in this dialogue.

Speaker 8 And I think that's one of the ways that Stacy really shined in what she brought to the book was just the reality of the stories and them seeing themselves in it.

Speaker 7 You guys are such a great. I mean, yeah, you did an amazing job with this.
So I'm proud of it. I'm proud of you guys.
I'm excited for people to read it.

Speaker 7 And like, when you guys, just looking through the table of contents, like you said, every, like just the different things, the clothes loop, the power of one, the death of demand relationship, the skill, the skill set to be learned, the truth about blame.

Speaker 7 We go deeper. You got masculine and and feminine, which, by the way, my top five, probably my top five or top 10 favorite topics on the world to think about and talk about is masculine and feminine.

Speaker 7 And at the Jersey event, you guys talked about, and then in Jamaica, you did a whole session just about math.

Speaker 7 Can I actually show one framework? I'll tell you exactly what I want you to share too, because it'll help.

Speaker 7 So you may or may not know this, men and women, masculine, feminine, think differently, which is, you know, and obviously you guys showed the nail in the head video, which is hilarious.

Speaker 7 But if you haven't watched that, Google

Speaker 7 Nail in the Head. But just,

Speaker 7 I don't know, you shared, I have my notebook, probably a dozen different things. Here's how masculine looks and feminine and they're different.

Speaker 7 And there's one that's just, I think, is the most simple to explain. But if you explain it, I think for a lot of the men, it's going to have some ahas and maybe the women as well.

Speaker 7 But it was one talking about like when men are doing a project, we go all the way to the end versus women.

Speaker 6 Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 7 Share that one because like that one, that little, it's such a little thing. And I was like, oh my gosh, no wonder my wife hates me.

Speaker 7 Like, I'm never telling her she's doing a good job till till the very end. Versus, like, in me, I'm like, Why does she keep annoying me?

Speaker 6 Anyway, so please tell us true.

Speaker 7 That was like one simple example, masculine, feminine, that just blew my mind. And it's so simple after you understand it, but no one ever tells us this stuff.

Speaker 8 And such another good example of us both showing up with the best of intentions, not seeing what's really happening, and getting into a kerfuffle, walking away, like, what just happened there?

Speaker 6 You don't understand.

Speaker 8 And why, yeah, why do they hate me now? So, like, we call this, this is one of the frameworks around help. So, the masculine and feminine have a very different perspective around help and support.

Speaker 8 So, for the masculine, we are autonomous creatures. By nature, we will just, we have a goal.
We're going to set ourselves out to go get that goal.

Speaker 8 And we're not going to ask for help unless we really, really need it. Because we're like, why would we? Like, this is my job.
It's my task. I'm autonomous.
I'll go get it done.

Speaker 8 And in fact, to imply that I needed help to get it done makes me think, like, why do you think I can't do this?

Speaker 6 What's wrong with me?

Speaker 8 Like, already we're like, dude, like, I got this. I got this, right?

Speaker 8 So for the masculine, that's our way of seeing the world. We move through the world.
And what's more is the masculine is 100% wired to get to the end.

Speaker 8 And the obstacles along the way are, quite frankly, part of the challenge, part of the fun, part of what made that goal worthwhile. So for us, we're always looking at the end.

Speaker 8 We do not value being partway there for the most part. The masculine is like, okay, so I'm 25% there.
I'm not there. Like when I get there, then I'll celebrate.

Speaker 8 When I get there, I'll kind of take inventory and be like, oh my gosh, I took a lot of wounds along the way, but you know, it was worth it, but I did it, right?

Speaker 8 So we're not even thinking about anything else except the end. And we don't value the journey.
Now, the feminine is wired very differently.

Speaker 8 So, from their view of the world, going alone is not what they want.

Speaker 8 They would prefer any other path for the most part than doing it alone. And what's more is instinctively in a feminine environment, they will support each other.
Like, we're here with you. You got it.

Speaker 8 Like, we're going to be there with you all the way. And they love and appreciate that support along the way.
And what's more is acknowledging every little like success along the way.

Speaker 8 Like, oh, look at that. So good.
Like, oh, you just, you got that far.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's fantastic. Like, you finished the first three pages of the book.
That's awesome. Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 And I did. And I did say it because I know better.

Speaker 6 Why can't you page four?

Speaker 6 And if you don't, they're like, what's wrong with him? Why is he being such a

Speaker 6 poor me? You don't. Yeah.
He doesn't even see me. He doesn't care.

Speaker 5 I'm all alive.

Speaker 6 And we're like, why would I coddle her?

Speaker 8 No, she's got to get to the end, right? So we have a different view, but they need that. For the family, they need that support along the way.

Speaker 8 And what's more is if you don't give it, there's a whole lot of negative beliefs that come that will come from their blueprint and how they see the world and how they move through the world that they expected you to show up with.

Speaker 8 Just like we expected them to like, to just take this and get to the end and tell me when you get, when you're at the end. And what's more is we don't, there's so many different models to that.

Speaker 8 But at the end of the day, what you're talking about is what we call the timeline for help.

Speaker 8 And where we get into kerfuffle is the masculine, if you said to the masculine where he's partway through to getting to where his goal is, you're like, Stacy does this so well.

Speaker 8 I'll try to mimic a little bit where it's like, oh, so good.

Speaker 8 You're 25% of the way or it's so cool how you did that with the hammer and you you made that little piece of wood there like that's amazing right like we'd be like so offended like why are you like coddling me

Speaker 8 accomplished anything yet leave me alone yeah it feels insulting and leave me alone right and that's our thing so because we have that belief that it's not We don't need help until we get to the end, we run into lots of false beliefs.

Speaker 8 And also we feel unsupported by the other or coddled or misunderstood or just like babied. Like all these negative things happen only because we have a different view of help.

Speaker 8 What's even more damaging is now for the masculine, because we wait till we get to the end, we assume that even when the feminine comes to us and asks for help, that she has already exhausted everything and requires our help now.

Speaker 8 And that's not true at all either. And this creates so many kerfuffles where usually for the feminine, they're just beginning.
If they're asking for help, they're asking for help in the beginning.

Speaker 8 And this comes up every day in our relationships where it's like, hey, can I ask you something?

Speaker 8 Like, oh, sure, sure. Or I need help with this.
Would you help me with this? You're like, sure, sure. I'm ready to serve.
I'm here to show up and help.

Speaker 8 And then she's like, I really need help with this. And she starts talking.
And maybe she drifts off to the topic or something else.

Speaker 8 And right off the bat, the nail in the head story is like, we're trying to fix it. We're like, oh, here's what you need to do right here.
And we hop right in and we tell them what they need to do.

Speaker 8 And then they get angry with us. We're like, why are you angry? You asked for my help.
It's because they are asking for help in the beginning of their journey.

Speaker 8 They didn't want your decisions or your opinions. They didn't want to feel judged.
They didn't want you to solve it for them. This is why the nail on the head story is so misunderstood.

Speaker 8 It's such a good story. It's such a good video.
It's so well done. But it's showing the symptom.
And the underlying problem is the timeline and how we see the need for help.

Speaker 8 And because we assume she wouldn't come to me and ask for help unless she wanted me to tell her exactly what to do, we're already wrong the moment it starts.

Speaker 8 And when they get angry, because they were actually trying to process this out and collaborate with us to kind of get some insights and kind of work it through.

Speaker 8 We anger them, shut it down, and now we feel judged. Like, but don't even come to me.

Speaker 8 Like, we get into these fights, like, stop coming to me for help because every time I tell you, you don't listen to me. And then Joe Smith tells you the same thing I would have told you.

Speaker 8 And you're like, oh, that's wonderful.

Speaker 6 Right?

Speaker 8 Because at that point, she was ready to actually hear it because she had already worked through the first part of her journey. So there's so much that we don't understand.

Speaker 8 And we're constantly causing fights unnecessarily.

Speaker 8 And even on something as simple as the timeline of when someone will ask for help, masculine or feminine, is creating a cascade of problems and fights that were unnecessary only because we didn't understand the differences between the masculine and feminine around help.

Speaker 9 So the tool is, for you listening at home, masculine will only ask for help at the very end. Don't acknowledge it until the very end.

Speaker 9 But when feminine beings ask for help, they're actually inviting you to be part of their journey.

Speaker 9 They're not at the end, they're at square one, you're at square 15, they're at square one.

Speaker 9 They're like, I'm thinking about facing this for the first time, and I'm going to invite you to support me through that. And literally, that's what help means.

Speaker 9 It's like, I haven't even, how many times have you heard someone feminine say, I don't even know what I think yet. Don't tell me what you think.
I haven't even figured out what I think about it.

Speaker 9 And that's because she's literally at square one.

Speaker 7 Masculine's like, I'm so confused.

Speaker 9 Right, because you are autonomous and would have thought through this whole thing,

Speaker 9 put it in order, deleted what was irrelevant before you vocalized anything. You're on the last square of the candyland.

Speaker 9 She's on the first square of the candyland, and she's like, I don't want to go candyland by myself, so I'm picking you. Would you help me?

Speaker 9 That's literally saying, like, get on square one of this journey. Listen to me dump out everything that I think to get my thoughts sorted.
Then I will welcome your perspective.

Speaker 9 And without knowing that, you're like, I thought we were over here. What? What do you mean you haven't even like, and it causes unnecessary kerfuffles? And it's not because anybody is the bad guy.

Speaker 9 It was just this not understanding these masculine, feminine differences.

Speaker 8 And you can see this will come up in the workplace. It'll come up with your spouse.
It comes up with your children.

Speaker 8 Like, so the.

Speaker 8 appliability of this across the board is huge. And that's just one piece.
And this is why it seems impossible

Speaker 8 us to have relationships work, right?

Speaker 8 But the truth is, it's literally been this lack of visibility and a lack of skill sets to address this lack of visibility that is causing all the dysfunction because as humans we're wired to be social creatures.

Speaker 8 If we're not held when we're born, if we're not cared for when we're born, we perish. Like we are literally designed to be connected and to embrace all the greatness of everyone's gifts around us.

Speaker 8 We embrace the gifts that you offer us. If it wasn't for you, I mean, I can't even imagine where we'd be.
So we all have a peace to bring.

Speaker 8 And when we can bridge these differences between us and then take advantage of all the great, magnificent powers that everybody has and put them together and collaborate in a work environment, for example.

Speaker 8 Hopefully, you're hiring people with different skill sets, right? But hopefully, they're masculine and feminine and bringing those differences too.

Speaker 8 When we try to get together to collaborate, if we don't understand how to do that, it's hard to get that machine to work.

Speaker 8 But when we can get it to work and see it for what it is, which is really the first part of what we've been missing, and then have the tools to make it hum like a machine, now we get all the gifts that everybody's bringing to the table and it hums like a machine.

Speaker 8 And we can do this. We haven't been doing this.

Speaker 8 We fall down because

Speaker 8 we haven't had a model for it. There wasn't a need before.
But when we really embrace the gifts that everybody brings, that variety,

Speaker 8 man, we're unstoppable. So there is a way.
And

Speaker 8 it's sad that here we are in 2025 and we're just sort of just finding the way on discovering it.

Speaker 6 Exactly.

Speaker 8 But it applies everywhere. And the workplace is such a big example of learning how to really collaborate.
in ways where they're on board with you too. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Well, I think when you first shared that, plus, I have a whole notebook again of like a bunch of different examples.

Speaker 7 And like, by the way, the ringing out one is saving Clinton and I'm marriage, like a bunch of other ones, but just the...

Speaker 9 That's L is in the book.

Speaker 6 Oh, is it?

Speaker 7 Yep. That one literally saved our marriage.

Speaker 7 But just even the earlier framework, right? I understand that. I remember coming back from the event.
I was like, okay.

Speaker 7 Because my wife is a hard worker, like, especially Saturdays, she'll come and she'll clean the entire house. And I would just wait.
And then the day, like, hey, thanks for cleaning the house.

Speaker 7 And I didn't understand, you know? And I was like, okay, I need to

Speaker 7 along this journey. So I would like come in, like, oh, thanks for doing the dishes.
Oh, my gosh. like this, like started noticing it.

Speaker 7 And like she would light up and then everything, it was so different.

Speaker 7 And I got to the office, I started noticing too, like there's, and I want to say like masculine feminine doesn't mean male, female necessarily, because even, you know, feminine men and masculine, like it's the masculine feminine that this key.

Speaker 7 So I started noticing that with people on our team. I was just like, like the masculine people, if I'm, if I'm in between, like, hey, good job, they look at me like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 7 Like, you know, and the feminine the opposite way. So I try to like, not that I'm perfect, but like I'm aware of it.

Speaker 7 So I try to weave those things in when someone's on a task and they're more feminist like how do I along the journey help give them feedback or whatever versus the masculine if I do I know they're gonna be angry and it's not gonna be good and I don't want to hear that either you know like I want to hear after the event's done we've closed sales I did a good job I don't want to hear midway through the event like you're doing a good job like what you're ruining yeah so anyway so many I'm so excited people get this book because there's so many little tools like that there's so many things and I hope that that it starts them going through the book, but then I hope they immerse themselves into your guys's world because you know, I love writing books, but there's like the books are amazing then to be able to experience it at further levels, but it all starts here with the missing piece.

Speaker 7 I'm so glad you guys got it done. So where do they go again if they want a copy of the missing piece?

Speaker 9 Missingpiecebook.com.

Speaker 7 Missingpiecebook.com. What should they expect when they see there? There's links to go buy it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you can buy it. Well, you buy wherever you want and there's links there.
And then you can opt in for the book bonuses and get, like, we made tool cards for the tools in the book.

Speaker 9 Like, there's a lot of, because that's how we work, right? There's a lot of experiential to get for helping you actualize it, like the chart. The chart is in the book bonuses.

Speaker 7 You can now put it on your fridge like I did. It'll change everything for you.

Speaker 7 I'm so excited for people to get this and so proud of you guys for getting it done and putting in the work and effort to write a really good book, which is rare nowadays. But you guys did it.

Speaker 7 It's going to be one that stands the test of time.

Speaker 7 And so I'm proud of you guys and excited for everybody to get this, help them in their relationships, their families, their businesses, and all the relationships they have.

Speaker 7 So congratulations, you guys.

Speaker 8 Thank you for helping us grow to this point. Yes.

Speaker 6 Amen.

Speaker 9 And thanks for like holding my hand.

Speaker 7 You're super supportive.

Speaker 6 That is a really rough journey.

Speaker 7 Well, to come back to the original quote, so anyone who wants to write a book, don't forget writing is just like reading, except the book is trying to kill you. So there you go.

Speaker 6 You survived it.

Speaker 7 So missingpeacebook.com. Get the book, you guys.
Thank you, Stacey and Paul. Appreciate you guys for everything.
Thank you. And I hope everyone has a chance to read this and change the relationship.

Speaker 7 So thank you guys.

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