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Warning, this podcast says the naughty words, but in our hearts, we mean the nice ones.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Horror Frames, My Sheets Rock, Mint Mobile, and by the new job networking site for men's rights activists.

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Goal, it's me, Elon Musk, coming to you from within the interweb, fellow gamers.

And depending on who the catamine tells me is my enemy this week, I can assure you that for now, I still think we evolved from filthy monkey Mayan.

It's Thursday.

It's August 14th.

And it's National Tattoo Removal Day.

A needless holiday for a smooth boy afraid of needles like myself.

I'm Eli Boznick.

I'm Heath Enright.

And from Dean Keynes, New Jersey and Ann Arbor, Michigan, this is the Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, Brian Walters blames Big Roku for his fappenings.

Dean Kane tries to reverse the rotation of the Earth so he's not 59 and sloppy.

And Don Ford will be here to keep the Bible interesting.

But first, the rest of the interim music.

They're talking about your Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight is a person who goes by survivor Eli Bosnik.

Eli, you ready to keep on surviving after that very quick dermatology appointment?

Yeah, Anna won't let me wear a bandana over my band-aid and says I was already bald.

It's like she doesn't even care.

All right.

Well, speaking of precious memories, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, Aura Frames.

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Slipping out?

Yeah, like moments, conversations, whole days just gone.

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That sounds great, but have you actually tried one?

I sure have.

Aura Frames sent us a picture frame to try when they became a sponsor.

My mom loved it so much, we immediately bought one for Anna's parents.

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All right.

Thanks.

Can't believe this hasn't happened to me before.

Buying a digital picture frame?

No, wanting to remember something.

Oh,

what?

Nothing.

Nothing.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, we have a very important follow-up story about an extremely embarrassing moment for Christian Bigot and Oklahoma Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters.

Looks like it's not what we thought it was.

You might remember that he held a meeting in his office a few weeks ago to discuss the state curriculum, during which time, two members of the Board of Education were shown full frontal nudity.

on Walters TV screen.

Yes, they were.

And yes, that is literally what happened.

So it was what we thought in that sense, but the nudity might have been an accidental showing of the 1985 Jackie Chan movie, The Protector,

rather than porn that he was watching in the office.

So not embarrassing, apparently.

Except, yes, it is.

It definitely still is.

Hey, Keith, we don't nestle just below Ben Shapiro on that factuality media bias chart because I'm not going to say Ryan Walters got caught watching porn in his office for the rest of his life.

So

truth is all about what's in your heart.

And that's what's in Eli's heart.

100%.

100%.

And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for going all the way down this dumbass rabbit hole to get all the details.

Check him out at friendlyatheost.com.

So here's what we learned from Hemet.

Following the incident, Walters went buck wild and launched a big investigation, hiring a cybersecurity company to figure out in his head the conspiracy by his enemies to sneak porn onto his TV.

That firm was not able to solve the mystery because, of course, there wasn't one.

The person who might have solved it, though, is GOP state representative Kyle Hilbert.

Kyle noticed a crucial detail in the cybersecurity report that said, when initially powered on, the TV in Walter's office displayed Samsung TV Plus Channel 1204 Movie Action Hub.

So Kyle decided to contact Samsung, and he says they told him that the protector with Jackie Chan was indeed playing on their channel at the time of the meeting.

And there is a scene in that movie that includes full frontal nudity and matches the other details mentioned by the board members.

Or or

he got caught watching porn in his office and his colleague was more willing to make up bullshit for him than the cybersecurity team that he hired.

It's possible.

So Kyle is fucking weird, but it seems like he found a reasonable explanation after his very weird investigation.

You don't say.

He released an official statement.

that said, quote, the most plausible explanation is that the television, which had only been in the superintendent's office for fewer than two months, automatically launched Samsung's free streaming service and began playing a film that contained explicit content without anyone in the room realizing it at the time.

This information seems to vindicate both the state superintendent as well as the two board members.

Kyle also addressed the conspiracy theory.

He continued, It does not appear that Samsung's internal movie channels list streamable content days in advance.

So a planned conspiracy would be highly unlikely.

I mean, he's right there.

Not adding, that was literally a joke that Heath made when they talked about this on Scathing Atheist a few weeks ago.

You're fucking stupid.

Now, Heath, I can't help but notice that's a weirdly defensive statement.

Any idea why he might have addressed the idea of a conspiracy?

Yeah, great question.

So, following the original incident, Walters had his director of communications release a statement claiming he had no idea what happened.

I believe you.

And he blamed the whole thing on a hostile board that would, quote, say and do anything except tell the truth.

And during a news conference, he said, quote, These board members have a lot to answer for.

And so does the governor of Oklahoma.

Did he direct these board members to lie about me?

And exact quote from a news conference.

Just to be clear, they told exactly the truth about seeing full frontal nudity on his TV during a meeting.

Well, in light of all the information from Kyle Hilbert, Ryan Walters apologized for the accusations and retracted the conspiracy theory about the evil board members who secretly projected 80s porn onto his TV and then pretended to get mad about seeing it as directed by Kevin Stith, the governor of Oklahoma.

Wait, no, sorry, it's the opposite of what I just said.

Walters apologized and retracted.

Not at all.

Of course.

I mean, imagine a world where new information changes Ryan Walters' mind, Heath and Wright.

Think of the precedent one would set.

So,

Ryan Walters, I know you're listening.

We are willing to admit that maybe you weren't watching porn in your office in the middle of the morning.

He does not speak for everyone on this podcast, Ryan Walters.

Don't you listen to him?

I do not speak for either one of us.

Or maybe, though, maybe were watching porn and it just wasn't on the tv could be either either way you still showed full frontal nudity during a business meeting and when the board members told you to turn it off you responded by panicking and saying i can't get it to turn off i can't figure out how to turn it off so yeah pro tip um the answer is power button power button yes power button you're stupid yeah

and in virtue signal app app news, we have a story about Pete Hegseth and the Christian spiritual leader who guides him.

Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the head bartender named Christian at the TGI Fridays near the Pentagon in McLean, Virginia.

That would be great news.

Christian is delightful.

And he's actually a great flare bartender who beat me in the U.S.

Regionals back in 08.

And Christian hates Pete Hegseth.

He told me that Pete shot himself at the bar last week at 11 a.m.

on a Tuesday.

Did I make that up just now?

Maybe, but you're not sure.

You don't know.

Yeah, and to be fair, neither are we.

Well,

regardless, I'm talking about a different spiritual leader of Pete Hegseth.

That would be Pastor Doug Wilson, who runs an evangelical church that just opened a branch in Washington, D.C.

where Pete Hegseth is a member and sends his kids to school.

And thanks to a segment on CNN last week, we learned that Doug Wilson is the embodiment of every single evil white guy thing, like all at the same time, he's made in a lab.

And he looks like Santa's angry brother.

Yeah, Heath has included a picture of him in our notes, and he looks like Saruman sold out to a far greater evil.

And a big thanks to Remy for being the first of many to send us a link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Remy gets to request one free jingle on the spot if he sees us in person about whatever his name or something like that.

So the profile on CNN was probably intended to have some clips and interview moments and maybe some narrative analysis, but they just ended up listing this guy's bigotry like a speedrun and it took up the whole segment.

For example, Pastor Doug is a very proud Christian nationalist, but he made sure to mention all the other sizes of stuff

too.

He's a Christian townist, also, and a Christian statist, and a Christian worldist.

He said, exact quote, I'd like to see the town be a Christian town.

I'd like to see the state be a Christian state.

I'd like to see the nation be a Christian nation.

I'd like to see the world be a Christian world.

And if all the religions were one axe, what a great act that would be.

I've heard this one.

I've heard this one.

And

for any women listening, ladies, here's what Pastor Doug is thinking

about you people.

Gents, stop the podcast.

This one's just for the ladies.

You people, you women, according to Pastor Doug, are fucking up democracy and he'd like to end that.

And just in case that wasn't 100% clear, One of his assistant pastors jumped in at this point to say, we'd like to abolish the 19th Amendment.

That's what we meant by that.

And Pastor Doug went on to describe the political role of women in society in his head.

He said that women are, quote, the kind of people that people come out of.

I mean, okay, I know technically he's not wrong, but the fact that he stopped there is what concerns me.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, that was the end of his thought about the role in society politically for women.

And here's a little exchange we got between Pastor Doug and CNN's Pamela Brown, who was doing the segment.

She asked him, what would you say to a Muslim person who might object to Christian theocrats pushing their worldview on everyone?

And Pastor Doug responded, if I went to Saudi Arabia, I'd expect to live under their God's rules.

So Pamela Brown says, but you just said a moment ago that you want a Christian world.

And he's like, right.

I did just say that.

Yeah,

we're definitely taking them over there peacefully.

By the way, we just got to get the gospel over there.

As soon as we get the gospel over there, Saudi Arabia, they'll be Christian.

Almost exact quote.

Yeah, Pamela, fighting dirty is okay if you're convinced you're going to win the fight.

You see, Pamela.

All right.

Well, the whole thing was terrifying, but here's my favorite moment.

This was just fun to watch for a second.

Pamela Brown went to Moscow, Idaho, where Pastor Doug's original Christ Church is based.

And they're walking down the street in town, and all you hear is boo, boo, boo.

they're booing him they boo him so much and pastor doug is like yeah that's that's because of me that's not unusual that's his exact quote i'm openly hated in the place i lived you can see why i started with a christian town on sort of my vision board right as opposed to

yeah the uh the stronghold of atheism called moscow idaho doesn't like him yeah and just a few other details about pastor doug in soviet idaho yeah

Town hates you.

So Pastor Doug wants a ban on non-Christian people and also liberal Christian people from holding public office.

He also thinks abortion and homosexuality should be criminalized.

And he's literally ranked those things using a slavery-based scale.

ranked them in terms of like evil in his head.

And just to be clear.

Never use a slavery-based scale.

Just to be clear, he's not saying that slavery is evil.

He's just using it for the scale.

Rhetorical device.

Slavery is actually a net positive in his mind.

He actually said that.

He said, quote, it produced in the South a genuine affection between the races.

And here's how it goes with that ranking.

Sodomy is worse than slavery and abortion is tied with slavery.

Which, in his defense, is generous because very few women are chummy with their aborted fetuses, Heath.

Have you considered that?

Okay.

Yeah.

No.

No point taken.

So check out the video from CNN if you're curious.

It's truly insane.

It includes Pamela Brown making a stop inside Pastor Doug's Christchurch to look at, at one point, a big poster on the wall for, I think, a book called It's Good to Be a Man, a Handbook for Godly Masculinity.

He really loves that book so much that he got a big poster of the book and put it on the wall.

And that is right next to one of those mini basketball arcade games with the net for returning the balls.

And they got a bit of it in the frame.

It's so silly.

Okay, boys, if I make this next shot, I'm going to stop being gay.

Ready?

Here we go.

Three.

I dropped it on the ground.

Yeah, there's no way he's making that shot.

So many moments when Pamela Brown had to hold back laughter.

She went into the segment, I'm assuming, things she'd need to like tease out all the information for the expose she was doing.

But then Pastor Doug would just blurt out a new slur word for women or start singing a song about a few of his favorite things about slavery.

And just in case it wasn't already clear that our Secretary of Defense is on board with these ideas, Pete Hegseth proudly posted the full segment from CNN with the caption, all of Christ for all of life.

Weird.

So, yeah, looking forward to the follow-up story from CNN.

I'm assuming Pamela Brown put herself in Pastor Doug's phone as like theocrat buddy add to group chat on Signal with Pete.

So, we'll see how it goes.

Hot babes.

And

speaking of people who need some new sheets a lot,

we're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, My Sheets Rock.

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Yeah, usually Noah interrupts us at this point to ask us what we're doing.

Indeed, he does.

But in case you're wondering what we're up to, we're figuring out whose turn it is to blow the other one.

Because we blow each other almost every night.

That's right.

A fan, an air conditioner.

We're both warm sleepers, and that means someone needs to get blown with cool air every night.

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My Sheets Rock, you say?

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And also when we did the onboarding call this year with MySheets Rock, they said the

blowing joke was fun.

Technically, they said whatever works for your audience.

But that is a yes for us.

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But Heath, have you actually tried them?

We switching?

Like, who's doing the copywriting?

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They said we can say this.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me.

Hey, Eli,

why are you sitting there with a sad little candle and

a sad little cupcake?

Oh, hey, Heath.

Yeah, I was just getting ready for my birthday.

My sad, sad birthday.

Way ahead, but why is it going to to be so sad?

Because it's the day before our live show in New Orleans on September 27th, and nobody's going to come.

Nobody's going to come?

Why?

I don't know why, Heath.

We're going to be reviewing a terrible movie with all the visual shenanigans our listeners are missing on the podcast.

Plus, they can hang out with us on my actual birthday for a night of food, fun, and games on Friday, September 26th.

Oh, well, maybe people don't know where to get tickets.

It can't be that.

They just go to GodawfulMoviesLive.com.

GodawfulMoviesLive.com?

Well, that's that's so easy.

It is godawfulmovieslive.com.

All right, well, don't worry, Eli.

I'm sure now that people know they can buy tickets to our live show in New Orleans on September 27th at godawfulmovieslive.com, we'll sell out in no time.

We better, or I'll kill myself.

Noah was so clear.

I'm not, no, he said no threat.

I'm promising.

He was clear about that, too.

He was.

And we're back next up in headlines in Blasphemy Blasphemy news.

If you aren't a former musical theater kid like myself, you'd be forgiven for thinking the Hollywood Bowl was a large glass receptacle for either cocaine, baby blood, or both.

So for those of you uninitiated, it's a performance venue that hosts live musical performances.

Over the last few months, the show on display has been Jesus Christ Superstar, and it's gathered quite a bit of praise, not the least of which because Eli Bothnik impersonator Joshua Gadd has been making a fantastic splash as Herod.

A wild sentence, if you're not

aware of the lore and Eli's grievances.

Fair.

Josh Gad.

That is fair.

But, but that performance also includes a little-known performer, Cynthia Arrivo, as Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Yes.

And when an LGBTQ woman of color plays Jesus, you know what that means.

What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest, Christian freak out.

That's right.

Christians are freaking out.

And it seems the charge is being led by none other than god-awful movie superstar Kevin Sorbo.

Yes, that's right.

Kevin tweeted a picture of a Revo in the role with the caption, this is demonic in all caps.

So stupid.

Which I know a lot of people would take as an insulting exaggeration, but he might have just been pitching his next film, people.

You got to check.

Okay, Kevin Sorbo clearly just knows the title, Jesus Christ Superstar, and he's been assuming it's just a jaunty musical about the exact biblical story of Jesus Christ.

Yeah, you'd have to imagine.

But of course, Christians never freak out alone.

If you see one Christian freak out, that means you've got a thousand of them.

They're like ants.

Kristen Hawkins, president of Students for Life of America and...

podcast host said quote colleague colleague significantly more successful than us colleague, said quote.

It's no surprise she looked exactly like how demons have always been portrayed.

And let's be real.

If you dress like a demon, act like a demon, and mock God like a demon, don't be shocked when people call it what it is.

A costume in a musical?

Yeah.

This is intentional blasphemy from Hollywood, end quote.

Yes, correct.

It is.

It's a rock opera told from the perspective of Judas.

I don't understand why this is confusing.

The whole world is making fun of you.

That is true.

That is what's happening.

Now, and also, he's as our foremost expert on the Bible on this week's show.

I don't remember the demons being portrayed as absolutely gorgeous and talented women of color.

Do you remember that?

Maybe it's later in the part with the cups and the bowls.

Yeah, we probably forgot about it.

That's probably, we'll get to it.

I got to read ahead.

But my favorite freak out comes from Christopher Calvin Reed, a Christian radio host who had this very sane and chill reaction, quote, the Bible is unequivocal.

The word became flesh, John 1.14, incarnate as a man, not a genderless symbol for progressive fantasies.

Arivo's casting isn't just unbiblical.

It's a deliberate desecration, reducing Christ to a prop for cultural Marxism.

Again, yes, it is.

Jewish, black, and gay people seize the means of cultural production called Hollywood.

You've been saying that forever.

How is this complicated?

Like you can watch the Daily Wire's Jesus Christ really is a white superstar.

This is Sirius the Musical.

Like that's for you.

Watch that.

You get the previous 2,000 years of musicals about Jesus.

He continues, quote, It is clear that this is the left spitting on the cross, trading divine truth for a woke applause track.

And Barrivo's liberal activism only deepens the insult, signaling a rejection of Christ's divinity for political posturing.

Sorry, just to be clear, the original musical is written by the liberal activist Andrew Lloyd Weber in their head, the conservative lord in the UK, that liberal activist, that famous liberal cuck Andrew Lloyd Weber.

He continues, this isn't art, it's evil, a blasphemous middle finger to God, cheered by Democrats who'd rather bow to Hollywood than the Bible.

Christians must reject this sacrilege, for it erodes the sacred, inviting divine judgment while the left cackles in their echo chambers end quote okay it's funny i i actually did there for a second they're just describing what's true so hate to reveal the big secret but here's what happened christian people they cast cynthia rivo because she's amazingly talented and then the marketing team was like nice christians are going to freak out and give us a whole bunch of free extra attention And now you, Christian people, are yelling from under a giant box after you dove on a big red X and knocked over a stick.

That's

what's happening.

This is what happened.

So yeah, the Christians are not all right with a black queer person existing.

And I think they made it pretty clear.

But to me, as Heath has talked about throughout this story, the funniest thing about it is that they're freaking out in defense of Jesus Christ Superstar, a show that, when it premiered, was vociferously condemned by Christians.

This isn't new.

Yeah.

I guess what I'm saying is that in 40 years, when they're trying to sell you relics of Saint Orivo, some of us will remember when this was a problem.

And in Kal El Salvador news.

Ooh, fantastic.

Looks like Superman is going to be adding an extra S to the chest of his little onesie there.

That's right.

The newest member of ICE is 59-year-old Christian actor Dean Kane.

He heard about the big signing bonus for joining ICE and under fives in shitty Christian movies don't get to eat crafty on the set.

So he is patriotically volunteering to abduct people who don't look white enough.

Yeah, as if it wasn't already a moral imperative to the masked fascists illegally kidnapping people off the streets.

You now might get

Dean Kane.

They're basically wonka bars at this point, people.

Weird beeps.

I don't know what happened there.

Anyway, a big thanks.

Wonka bars, you should

today.

Yes, beeping keeps happening.

A big thanks to friend of the show and friend of the game night, Alex, for being the first of so many people to send us a link to scavingnews at gmail.com.

Alex gets to roast me extra hard the next time I make a stupid clue during code names that hits.

the death card, as I am sometimes want to do when I get too ambitious with my code names gluing.

So we got a clue about Dean Kane becoming employed last week when he posted a video on Instagram urging people to join ICE with the Superman theme song playing in the background.

Okay, maybe Superman was about to tackle him.

I feel like the new guy would do it, right?

Yeah, he sure would.

And then we got full confirmation later that day.

when Dean went on Fox News with Jesse Waters to proudly announce his new job.

Waters asked him, are you going to be hopping out of ICE vans and apprehending people?

And Dean said, I'll do whatever they tell me.

But then it got really sad for Dean the very next day.

The Department of Homeland Security clarified, saying he'll be an honorary ICE officer.

Honorary, they're going to give him a little plastic helmet and he's going to do a war crime with John Cena.

Everybody's going to be so much fun.

Yeah, so lots of people remember Dean Kane for starring in Lois and Clark, the new adventures of Superman in the 90s.

Would we say Lois?

Or if you're me, you remember him as like 19 different boring side characters in god-awful Christian movies for the last 20 years.

I actually checked IMDb because I was curious, and it's way more than 19.

So many.

Just doing a control F for the word pastor, I found eight.

movie roles for Dean Kane.

Nine, if you also count priest.

And it was a useful visit to IMDb.

I added several years of material to our gam list.

You sure did.

We've already done all the God's Not Dead movies, of course, but still plenty of Dean Kane's oeuvre that we haven't done.

That includes, We Believe, a Christian football movie with Dean Kane and Jim McMahon.

I'm listening, Chicago Bears quarterback.

Also, Forgiving God, God,

Forgiven, Crossroads, a story of forgiveness, Paul's Promise, Faith Under Fire with Kevin Sorbo, It's a Doll's World,

also with Kevin Sorbo, and Karate Princess, a literal Christian karate movie from JC Films Studios.

Okay, Heath will watch it, but only if Dean is the karate princess.

Okay, well, he is in my heart and yours, and that's what counts.

And of course, I didn't forget Obamagate the movie.

Dean Kane plays FBI agent Peter Strzok, and Christy Swanson plays FBI lawyer Lisa Page.

Here's the description.

Obamagate, the movie, exposes the deep state plot.

to undermine the Trump candidacy and presidency, and it reveals the lies behind the fake Russia collusion narrative.

Okay, we'll watch it, but only if Dean is the karate princess.

He is once again in my heart.

And just one other detail that needs to be mentioned.

Dean Kane was born as Dean George Tanaka.

His father, Roger Tanaka, is of Japanese descent, and that side of the family was forced into internment camps during World War II here in the United States.

Dean's takeaway from that was, I wasn't listening.

Anyway, this is how we're going to defeat Venezuela in that world war that's happening right now with Venezuela.

So bottom line, if anyone encounters Dean Kane, the ICE agent, honorary ice agent in the wild, just remember that his kryptonite is, I think, brisk walking.

That should do it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And

beeps everywhere today.

And finally tonight in Adams Family Values news new york city mayor and living embodiment of the failure of the democratic process eric adams held an interfaith blessing ceremony for his third party run for mayor because

i mean there's no way he has a snowflakes chance in all the possible hells and he's gonna be damned if there isn't an afterlife somewhere where he pulls ahead of zorhan mundami yeah sure hope he didn't make a deal with any horrible liars that involves staying in office lest he become completely useless right yeah and then that that would uh completely flip around.

I don't know.

I hope that's not what happened.

Yeah, of course.

This is weird.

I'm gonna have to like root for Pam Bondi's DOJ if they prosecute him or not.

I don't know what to do.

Again, rooting for structural collapse at that trial.

Yeah.

Now, for those of you wondering, hey, Eli, are you just using the fact that Noah's on vacation to talk about the worst mayor since the mayor of New York was just the Irish guy with the heaviest wooden bat?

The answer, of course, is yes.

But it's shalaly.

It's called a shalale.

Exactly.

Represent your people, but Adams brought religion into it.

So Noah's not allowed to yell at me.

Anyways, in an event he billed as the, quote, largest citywide religious endorsement ceremony in New York history, Adams hoped he could replace polling numbers with college brochure diversity, including, and this is a quote here, pastors, priests, rabbis, imams, sheiks, lamas, Rastafarians, and gurus, end quote.

Okay.

And also, a guy in a cowboy hat.

Thank you.

He's a guy in a cowboy hat.

Not sure what religion the cowboy hat was supposed to be representing, but I'm a fan.

Nice hat.

I'm a member of a church of Rutan and a Tutan.

Here's what I think happened.

May we sidebar for a moment about the cowboy hat?

I think they did like a dress rehearsal, and he's just some fucking random kind of Christian, and he was like completely overshadowed by the rest of the audience.

Honey, we're going to Halloween adventure.

I'm going to shadow them with my giant hat.

Literal shadows.

Fuck you.

Okay.

That tracks.

So the event had several speakers, my favorite of which was Bishop Chantel Wright, who, aside from looking like a headshot on the wall of supercuts, tried to lead a congregation, introduced Adams as follows.

Real quote.

I'm not making any of this up.

We lift up his arms the same way that Aaron did for his leader and to Gideon, whose small army vanquished a far larger one.

Thanks to the hand of God.

Get George Shea from like the Nathan's hot dog contest as your announcer.

What is happening?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He sucks.

He'll do it.

We are your army.

We are the ones who are going to be the credible messengers that get the word out that yes, you are a man of integrity, although the press may never say anything good about you.

We will open our mouths like the trumpet of Zion and we will tell of the goodness you've done for this city.

And real quote.

Is that Curtis Sliwa, the founder of the Guardian Angels?

I'm switching the blessing to him.

I like that guy.

He rescues cats.

He's a better choice than Eric Adams.

He is.

Ooh, is he?

Okay.

The Republican with a beret who knows karate, according to the person who gave that blessing, is definitely a better choice than Eric Adams.

That's true.

Could I vote for that trouble popper instead?

If you're being honest,

you'd vote for Sleewa, right?

Can I abstain?

Can I vote for a pop?

He's a trouble popper.

Curtis Sleewa is a Republican, but Eric Adams is a liar Democrat.

coordinated a bunch of bullshit, horrible, horrible bullshit with ICE and Trump.

That's fair.

To be fair, there's no way Slua is going to be able to do the logistics of coordinating with ICE.

He's going to be like, crap,

my office phone's my cell phone.

Also, the giant corruption scandal.

There's that.

As I mentioned at the start of the story, Adams is polling terribly and is now joined by two other losing candidates who are running ill-fated campaigns as independents.

But hey, at least when that happens, we can all agree that whichever God all of these religious reps at this press conference believed in, that God doesn't exist, right?

I think we're all on the same page.

And that's going to do it for the headlines.

Next up, we have Don Ford, voice of fantasy adventure for some Bible Peace Theater.

And we've got some Book of Acts to grind.

But first, a quick word from our sponsor, Mint Mobile.

Hey, Eli, we got to finish the podcast.

Oh, wow.

Dude, you look burned.

Yeah.

Yeah, I misunderstood the promises of Mint Mobile.

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Oh, and you thought that meant you could not be burned physically?

Could not be burned physically.

Yes, that is what I thought it meant.

Got it.

Okay, but why would you want to switch to Mint Mobile anyway?

Changing your phone is such a hassle.

Oh, Heath, you beautiful stupid angel.

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So, did you go sunbathing with no lotion?

No, I actually tried to fight the Fantastic Four.

Really?

You went right for Johnny, huh?

I thought it would be my strength, you know?

Sure.

Sort of a power thing.

Got it.

So it's an iceberg cruise?

Apparently.

I mean,

who wants to go see an iceberg?

No illusions, man.

That's who wants to see an iceberg.

Oh, hey, Don.

What are you doing here?

Oh, took my kid to a petting zoo, but one of the goats was just a glue trap that Eli made.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, must have have been a good trap.

Honestly, I was totally high the whole time.

I was spacing out.

Fair enough.

So, you guys ready to do Bible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

We sure are.

Oh, right, right.

Where were we?

Acts.

Right, the post-Jesus part of the Bible.

So, we're going to pick back up with Paul's speech to the Epicureans and Stoics on Mars.

I'm still high from the glue trap.

Epicureans, lower your space helmets and hear me.

We need to grow potatoes.

Uh, Eli, that's Paul's speech from Mars Hill.

Ah, I knew it was too good to be true.

Sorry about that.

Back to normal.

Listen, all of you have to stop worshiping other gods, okay?

Oh, why?

Because they're not real.

I mean, look at this.

You guys have an altar here that just says to the unknown god.

Uh, yeah, uh, you know, uh, in case we missed missed one.

Okay, well, don't do that.

You only need one God and his son, Jesus.

Okay, yeah.

Uh, question from Pascal?

Yes.

Question from Pascal.

Hi, uh, Pascal.

Um, uh, wouldn't it be better to keep our altar to the other God just in case that one turns out to be real?

You know, just be safe.

Oh,

it's got a good point.

No, no, that's not a good point.

Nobody take Pascal's wager.

It's a dumb argument, everybody.

Uh,

okay, but uh,

what if we were going to do that with your God, huh?

Okay, sorry.

Correction.

If you are going to do that with my God, you should.

It's actually better safe than sorry.

Oh, for my thing?

No, it's mine now.

But we could both be right.

No, we could not.

So Paul heads to Corinth, where he has even worse luck convincing some more Jews to believe in Jesus.

Until one night, he gets a visit from Jesus himself.

Paul, Paul, it is I.

Jesus.

Wow, a visitation from Jesus from heaven.

Oh, yes, that's right, Paul.

I am here to tell you

to

keep up the good work.

None shall harm you.

Wow.

And what else, Lord?

Oh,

that's it.

You didn't have any further instructions or anything?

Oh, no, No, just, um, you know, just keep it up and stuff.

You know, you're doing great.

And now you're headed back to heaven?

Oh, well, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to head back in a little bit, you know.

Sorry, in a little bit?

Oh, yeah, you know, heading right up, you know.

Hey, Jesus, by any chance, are you going to stop at the new Crumble Cookies that just opened up in town?

Oh, did a Crumble Cookie open up around here?

I didn't even know.

You didn't know?

You didn't know?

So you're not going to go.

You're not going to visit it.

Well, now that I know, I mean, I might stop by.

Right, sure.

Might just drop by.

Well, if they have the Benson Boone cookie.

I feel like you know they have the Benson Boone cookie.

So Paul hangs out in Corinth for another year, almost gets in trouble, but they don't want to bother with him, so now he heads to Ephesus.

Disciples of Ephesus, hear me.

Have you received the Holy Ghost?

No.

What is the Holy Ghost?

Wait.

Sorry, you guys haven't heard of the Holy Ghost?

Nope.

Okay.

Well, then, how were you guys baptized?

We were baptized by John the Baptist.

Oh.

What?

What?

What?

What's.

Oh.

So there's kind of been

a system update?

Seriously?

We just got John the Baptist.

Yeah, sorry.

So John the Baptist was kind of, just continue the metaphor.

He's kind of the beta for Jesus.

Did he not mention that?

No,

he didn't mention that.

I mean, it's fine.

We can get you guys up to date today.

Like, no problem.

Okay, should I back up my data?

What's happening?

I mean, you should always back up your data.

Obviously, Shaw.

Oh, like, you guys always back up your data.

You always brush your teeth.

So, Paul stays there for another year until everyone in Asia has heard of Jesus.

Sorry, everyone in Asia?

The whole continent?

That's what the Bible says, yeah.

Okay, but like, there's so much historical data in there that just isn't true.

Yeah, well, all those people didn't mention it because they were embarrassed, I guess.

So, anyway,

Paul gives out some magical handkerchiefs and aprons that chase away disease and demons.

Sorry, aprons?

He gives out aprons?

Yes, yep.

Aprons.

And they work great, but that means eventually some imitators come into town.

Ah, excuse me, sir.

Are you the exorcist we honored?

Uh yeah, sure am.

Uh, you got demons?

Oh, oh, yeah, big time in here.

Come on.

Hey, how's it doing?

Demon, there you are.

Uh, I cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Nothing happened.

Is it like...

Is it like Jesus Christ, maybe?

Do I have to do it like that?

No, no, it's Jesus.

Wait, sorry.

Are you Paul?

Hmm?

Are you Paul?

Paul?

No, no, I'm Frank.

Who the fuck is Frank?

I'm a Jewish exorcist, and I heard that Paul was cleansing demons using the name of Jesus Christ.

So I thought I'd, like, you know, try it out, see how it worked.

Seriously?

What?

It worked for Paul.

It's not a cleaning product.

You can't just borrow it, like that pink stuff, and use it on all-purpose demons.

Eh.

Oh,

me.

Now, get the fuck out of here.

Bring me a Christian to dispel me in the name of Jesus.

Come on.

I'm really sorry about this, bro.

I think you should be.

Meanwhile, there's trouble for Paul with the Ephesians.

Hey, Ephesians.

What do you all want?

Oh, yeah.

Ms.

Silversmith wanted to talk to you.

Sure.

Hey, can I help you find Jesus?

No, no, no, thanks.

You're fucking up my business.

I make silver offerings for Diana.

Right.

Look, I'm sorry, but our God is actually the only God, and Jesus is his son who died for you.

Cool, cool, cool.

And does he need any silver offerings?

No, but okay, then Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians.

Okay, she's not, though, because...

Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians.

Okay, can we at least agree?

Diana is the great goddess of the Ephesians.

Okay, are you serious?

Diana,

Ephesians.

Would you please?

Diana, Diana, Diana is the goddess.

Fine, you know what?

You win.

I'm leaving.

Diana.

Wait, sorry, Heath.

I just want to clarify.

Is Paul actually defeated like Seth Green's character in an Austin Powers movie?

Seth Green's character, that's correct.

Okay, got it.

What's next?

What's next is Paul gives a sermon so boring, it kills a guy.

And verily I say unto you, Christ is Lord, and the Lord God is with ye.

That's sleeping guy fell out the window.

Oh my God, he's dead.

What?

No, uh, nope, nope, he's not dead.

Give me one second.

Sorry, I'll be back, everybody.

Wait, he fell out the window?

Oh, yeah, right on his neck there.

Oh, that is rough.

Yeah, I mean, why would you lean there?

It doesn't even have a rail.

That's what I was going to say.

Why would you lean there?

Okay.

Okay, everybody, I'm back, and I brought the body, and I'm going to cure him with the power of Jesus.

Just

I'm going to keep preaching while I do it.

Hey, you can take a break if you want.

Nope, don't need a break.

I can preach and help this guy at the same time.

Um, are you eating a skipped lunch?

Thanks for having me to your home, Philip.

No problem.

Always happy to host.

Hello, gentlemen.

It is I, Agubus the prophet.

Oh, um,

hey, Agubis,

do you have a prophecy for us?

Oh, indeed, I do.

Give me your girdle.

My girdle?

Yeah,

I need it as a visual aid.

Visual.

Okay.

Here you go.

Here's my girdle.

Okay.

Hands and feet.

Sorry, what?

I said, give me your hands and feet.

Okay, here are my hands.

Okay.

Prophecy has a lot of space work, right?

It's a lot of movement.

Okay.

Hear me.

The Holy Spirit says, the Jews...

Shall type the man who owns this girdle.

Well, that's you.

You own this girdle.

Yep, man, I'm aware I own this girdle.

Oh, and give him to the Gentiles.

Got it.

Okay, well, I'm ready to die for God.

Well, that's good.

Okay.

Sorry, it just feels like you could have told me all of that?

I really could have just told you.

No.

Jews, why have you brought me this man?

He lies about how to save God and and tells the Gentiles that they may be saved.

Okay, is this true?

Yes, it's true.

All right, well, um,

uh, y'all gonna be happy if we shave four guys' heads?

No, why would that make us happy?

I don't know, it's worth a try.

Excuse me, excuse me, um, I have a speech.

Oh,

you're doing a speech?

Yes, I'd like to do a speech.

Yeah, sure, do a speech.

Men, brethren, and fathers, hear ye my defense, which I make now unto you.

And when they heard that he spanked in the human beings,

we got a crumbling

kept more silence than he saith.

Oh my god, they look so good.

I heard they're raw.

They're not raw, they're softbakes.

Soft baked till they're raw, maybe.

What is it with you?

Why do you always have to shit on everything?

I don't

shit on everything, okay?

I'm just saying that the cookies look raw.

Do you not like soft-baked cookies?

No, no, I like them thin and crisp.

Okay, well,

say that then.

Not everything has to be like counterculture.

I'm sorry, do you work for crumble cookies?

No, I just feel like whenever anyone who likes anything,

there's a segment of the population that has to shit up.

And it's like,

who is this for?

Who are you helping with this tape?

Look, I'm not helping anybody, okay?

You asked if I liked the cookies and I said no.

No, you said they were raw.

Suddenly, there shone a great light from around me.

And anyway, that's my story.

Dude, that was it?

Uh, yeah, like the first part of it, yeah.

Carol Deschmuck, kill him, give, make him.

Yeah,

that was,

yeah, that was super boring.

Let's whip him and do a trial tomorrow.

Yes.

Oh, man.

All right, Paul.

You stand before this.

Another...

This is a different court.

New one.

How do you plead?

I have never done anything wrong in my entire life.

Okay.

Well, that's like super obviously not true.

Slap that guy.

Ow!

Sorry, he told me to.

Yeah, no, I heard.

Well, God will smite you, white wall.

Dude, that's the high priest.

You can't do that.

Oh, shit.

He's the high priest?

Yeah, man.

Who do you think I am?

Like, minister of slaps?

Oh, you guys have a minister of slaps?

No, we don't have a minister of slaps.

Look, look, you guys are the Sadducees and the Pharisees, right?

Well, I'm a Pharisee, so you should let me go.

Oh, hey, that's a great point.

No, it's not.

What are you talking about?

Um, well, um, yes, it is, because he's probably protected by an angel or something.

We should hear him out.

Oh, my God.

You're just saying that because you're a Pharisee.

Oh, wow.

Big it much.

Oh, okay.

You know what?

We're going to handle this.

We'll talk to you tomorrow, Paul.

Okay, well, thank you, Minister of Slaps.

Nobody Nobody is the Minister of Slaps.

Jews, why do you rabble so?

Again, more.

They have gathered 40 men who will not eat or drink until Paul is killed.

Okay, it's weird bargaining chip.

Either kill Paul or their deaths are on your hands.

Wow.

Really?

You sure you guys don't want to eat?

Nothing doing.

We just gotta crumble cookies.

Yeah, here they are anyway has nobody heard of soft bacon this town

right so clausius lysis sneaks paul out of the city since he's technically still a roman citizen and sends him to felix in caesarea but that guy just puts him on trial again he gets accused by the jews again and he waits in prison again

then he has another trial where he tells the entire story of his life

Again, until finally he sets sail to Rome for his trial before Caesar.

Man, he this book is like super boring.

Yeah, well, that's what happens when there are historical records.

Right.

Yeah, got it.

All right, you ready to set sail for Rome, Captain?

Almost.

You sure you don't need help with those bags and stuff?

No, no, we've got it.

Thanks.

Okay.

Hey, Paul.

Paul.

Oh,

hey, Angel of the Lord.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, I just want to let you know not to be afraid.

You will have a trial before Caesar.

Oh, that's good, I guess.

Why would I be afraid?

Is something going to happen to the ship?

Oh, yeah, big time.

But don't worry, you guys are going to be okay.

Oh,

okay.

Hey, you heard Big Balls got jumped by a gang of Romanian thugs?

I mean, I heard it was a 15-year-old.

What are you, Jewish?

Yes.

Gross.

So sure enough, Paul's ship crashes on Malta, where they meet some friendly natives.

Hey, thanks

This guy's a murderer being punished by a snake.

Such a specific chain of causation.

Just call like I see it, man.

Okay, well, uh, what happens if I don't die?

Oh, well then, you've obviously, uh, you're obviously blessed by God then.

Okay, and what if there's, you know, no evidence that there are snakes on the island of Malta and that this is very obviously a made-up story?

Well, then you're a fucking snitch.

Got it.

Sure.

So Paul finally makes it to Rome and is interviewed by the Jewish leaders.

Wait, I thought he was going to go see Caesar.

Yeah, so do we, man.

All right, Paul.

You've done four trials.

We're all finally here for you to make your case before the Roman state about why you shouldn't be executed.

Are you ready?

Absolutely.

Go ahead.

Okay.

The Holy Spirit told me that you guys all suck.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, so you're not going to believe me, and you suck, and you're not going to listen, and you're the worst.

That's...

That's your religion?

That is my religion.

Yes, it is.

All right, well,

you guys suck isn't technically illegal, so we'll let you stay in the house, I guess, and

tell people they suck, which I guess is what you plan on doing.

That is, yes, what I'm planning on doing.

Cool, man.

See ya.

You will.

So I'm gonna

be around.

Man, that

whole big book was kind of anticlimactic.

Yeah, sorry, it's kind of boring, yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

But with all the trials and all the stuff at the beginning, what did we actually learn?

Well,

hit it, Anna.

Dear Mr.

Theolophys, I'm writing this to you.

It's a sequel to the one I wrote before.

Since Jesus being dead and gone, didn't turn out to last that long.

He came back for 40 days to tell us more.

He told us all to make him proud, and then he poofed off in a cloud.

And now we know

for

sure.

He wanted me to ask you.

Consider being Christian,

consider being Christian.

Asked me to

ask you

to scrap the old traditions and go out on a mission.

Throw out the gods of Greece and Rome and

all those Egyptian wines,

The Holy Ghost is

gonna make us speak in tongues Shout hallelujah, cause life is crappy You better listen to these 12 dudes Drop everything and follow them, they sappy They got some really bungy platitudes Shout hallelujah, give us your money You better put that money in God's hand Don't be like Ananias and Sappira, cause God will kill you right there where you stand.

And clang, clang, clang went the prison cell where Stephen was held by the king.

And dang, dang, dang, said the angel as he busted him out of the thing.

And bang, bang, bang went the prison cell again, but this time for Silas and Paul.

And sang, sang, sang all the prisoners as an earthquake freed them all.

So

well

over

Jerusalem

during the pandemic

some

one

spiked all the bunch

and blamed it on the holy ghost

everywhere

in the world

since that

day

Christians

really

believe

they're damned if they don't pray

to save their friends and relations.

'Cause Christianity, it was the first

successful

I'm sorry, Judy Garland.

So good, as always, from Anna.

And that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skepticrat, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Monday, an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

And don't forget our troglodytic cousin show, D ⁇ D Minus, dropping twice a month on the first and third Friday after the first Wednesday and something with moons, maybe?

I'm not sure.

Check it out.

It's twice a month.

It's a lot of fun.

And a big thanks to Don Ford, voice of fantasy adventure, for talking the talk, to Eli Bosnik for Walking the Walk, and to the inimitable Anna Bosnik for rocking the rock with another banger and of course a big thanks to all the generous new donors who will receive carefully curated compliments of consonants in the coming casts if you're feeling generous like those fine people you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist and that'll get you early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheost.com.

You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us.

And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheost.com.

Eli, what's happening in your real life with Crumble Cookie?

So the problem is I made myself laugh with this bit, and then this section of Bible Beast Theater really became about my inner dialogue.

It's entirely about Crumble Cookie starting now.

It's truly not about acting.

I know, but I love it.

I love it.

Okay.

Our job is weird.

This is one way.

I also like, like, you know, if you're in the military or if you're like a tech guy, you get, you have those like lingo words and, you know, acronyms and initialisms.

Oh, yeah.

I know when I see SGJ, I'm like, oh, Sassy Gay Jesus.

Sassy Gay Jesus.

And S-H-S is Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

By the way, Heath,

you saw that message that my wife has supplanted.

She can no longer remember Sarah Huckabee Sanders' actual voice.

It is now always your voice.

Yeah.

Whenever she talks, I'm like, why is she doing a voice?

Love that.

She pops up in my life a lot when it has nothing to do with politics.

It's just like her vibes will be a character that's happening in life.

And you see a roller rink and you're like, she's anne has to interact with Sarah Huckby Sanders a lot and does pretty well with it.

Oh yeah.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Gail has to interact with so many of my characters all the time.

Okay, so I'm going to mute myself and drone on in this Christian stuff.

And then

Heath, if you can just

message me on Facebook when you guys are done with your part.

Oh, you're not going to be able to hear us.

Right.

No, I'll be able to hear you guys.

I'm just, I'm going to make sure you can't hear me by muting myself.

So I'm not, so I'm not talking over you while you.

Okay.

But if you can hear us, I don't need to message you.

I can just tell you that we're done.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's because of how ears work.

That's our technology.

That's true.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Eli, first of all, misspelled his own name.

I misspelled my own name in this one.

He just forgot the K at the end.

I did.

And then while he was deciding to like type that back in, he got so distracted by having to put the letter K in there that he stumbled.

I think you aren't really wrestling with what it's like to realize you've misspelled your own name.

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