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Morning, this is the vulgar atheist podcast your mama was warning you about.

Also, you have a weird mom.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BetterHelp and by God Awful Movies Live in New Orleans on Saturday, September 27th, the day after Eli's birthday, the day before Lucinda's birthday.

Come and wish both of them well.

Get your tickets at GodAwfulMoviesLive.com.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

I come from Mississippi, and I can tell you my granddaddy weren't no monkey.

but now I live in Sweden.

Oh, y'all can say it a die factest utvetledis from Etliga och Manachweh.

It's Thursday.

It's August 7th, and it's National Sea Serpent Day.

All right, teach the controversy.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heathen Wright.

And from Donald Rumsfeld, New Jersey, Hanover, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Scathing Interest.

On this week's episode, Arkansas receives a stern talking to from reality.

The AG of Florida tells drag show Gestapo he's going to get really mad.

And we'll watch a Gorman video that warns us about the dangers of honesty.

But first, the diatribe.

Okay, so I want to get weirdly personal to start this diatribe.

Because in my experience, there's this paradoxical thing where the more personal I get with these, the more universal they become.

So I want to talk about my hair.

So when people first meet me who have never seen me or like just familiar with me from listening to the show, my hair usually surprises them.

Apparently, and I've been told this too many times to dismiss it entirely, I sound bald.

But I'm not.

Kind of the opposite.

I got a long mop of hair hanging down below my shoulders, all sloppy and unkempt.

And what's more, I kind of always have.

I started wearing my hair long as soon as I was old enough to tell my mom how I wanted it cut.

And it was so important to my young identity that when I got in real trouble, when I did something really bad, my mom's and I mean it punishment was cutting my hair short.

And but for those punishments, I've worn it the same way ever since.

In fact, as soon as I was out of my parents' house, I just stopped getting it cut altogether.

Since my 18th birthday, I've had two haircuts.

One was for a job after months of pressure from the boss.

The other was a trim right before I went to the first atheist event that we did after we started this show.

And both times, it felt like an unwelcome violation.

It was somehow psychologically painful for me to part with my hair.

Now, I honestly, I can't articulate a reason why this has always felt so important to me.

I've got plenty of answers to the, why do you wear your hair like that question that I've tried out over the years, and most of them are honest, at least.

I wanted to be a rock star.

It teams my cowlick.

Girls in school like to play with my hair.

I like challenging gender norms.

Not getting haircuts is cheaper than getting haircuts.

These are all true, but none of them would explain why it was such an imperative for me.

I mean, keep in mind that I haven't always been lucky enough to be a self-employed profanity distributor.

I've passed up on jobs and been passed over for promotions based on my hair.

I've been harassed for it by homophobes.

I'm constantly misgendered because of it.

It causes people to take me less seriously.

It's pretty much all disadvantage.

Hell, it doesn't even look good.

And yet, I see it as an intrinsic part of my persona.

Even as I approach 50 and it starts to go all hoary, even in the sticky, sweltering South Georgia summers, even when I consider how much easier showering has to be for Heath, I've never considered cutting it short.

And yet, my desire to wear my hair long and the level of identity I imbue with that will never carry the same legal weight as a guy who converted to Jainism yesterday.

My beliefs, no matter how sincerely held, can never rise to the level of even an ephemeral religious conviction.

I am, in the eyes of the government, incapable of holding any belief as sincerely as a theist.

And the crux of the problem is my failure to lie about it, right?

Because I could.

I could just say an angel appeared to me in a dream when I was 10 years old and told me that cutting my hair would make the baby Jesus cry.

I could say that I had a revelation while I was deep in meditation about how not cutting my hair was a symbolic renunciation of worldly concerns.

I could say that my might was stored in my hair and my ability to push down Philistine temples depended on its unadulterated length.

But as long as I'm honest about it, mine will always be second-class beliefs.

And how can you be anything but a second-class citizen if yours are second-class beliefs?

How can we ever achieve a state of equality when there is a category of exemption that applies to everybody but us?

I mean, given the historical record that I could bring to this shit, right, I feel like I could go toe-to-toe with the most devoted Sikh about how important this shit is to me.

But if me and that Sikh both got fired from the same job at the same time by the same guy for the same reason, only he would have legal recourse.

Think about how bad your position has to be before you're jealous of religious minorities in America.

And look, I'm not trying to play oppression Olympics here.

I'm not saying atheists have it worse than this religious minority or that one.

I'm not trying to rank the oppressions.

What I'm trying to do is highlight the fact that the oppression that atheists face in this country is a real thing, and our outrage about it is justified.

Our judicial system tells atheists that we are incapable of achieving the level of sincerity of our fellow citizens because we insist that our beliefs be rooted in truth.

Any government that systematically favors one demographic of its citizenry over another is corrupt.

And any government that systematically favors lies over the truth is doomed.

They're talking about you, Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the fried and mashed of my baked Heath Ed Wright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to burn our way through some headlines?

And my secret is that I'm mostly butter.

So yeah, let's see.

Oh, there you go.

And my secret is that I'm baked.

So while I take a minute to sober up, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, BetterHelp.

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Oh, hey, Noah.

We're just trying to find a therapist for Heath, but everyone around this area is a little out there.

Out there, yeah.

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all right no one thanks oh this lady is also a pet psychic i think i'm gonna stick with better help

man

and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight i have a small victory that i want to highlight because those are the only kind of victories that we have these days so as i'm sure many of you are aware whole ton of kids are going to be going back to school this month in the u.s and seeing 10 commandments posters and signs that say in god we trust slathered all over the fucking walls by order of their state governments well at least a few districts in arkansas are going to be spared that fate thanks to a decision from u.s district court judge timothy l brooks which is so delicious that i want to read it in a bubble bath oh it's finally happening eli you run the bath i'm gonna get way too many candles let's do it lavender or jasmine i told you we needed another planning meeting lavender i told we're not having this fight again so so this ruling was about act five wait lilac i was gonna say if we were committed to this bit the rest of headlines would just be

powering through with our apex podcast while Noah and I roll around and scream sent names in the background.

All right, but thankfully, you're not.

So this ruling was about Act 573, an Arkansas law that was passed this year that required Ten Commandment posters to be displayed in every public school classroom.

And as ever, this was justified with a winking appeal to the historical importance of them.

The Ten Commandments are so foundational to the history of our country and its laws that kids simply must be bombarded with them in math class.

But Brooks wasn't buying that because it's a transparent lie that they basically admitted to repeatedly throughout the process of passing the fucking law.

As he pointed out in his decision, the same legislature never felt the need to require that the Constitution or Declaration of Independence be displayed in every fucking classroom.

And I think we can all agree that those are foundational to the history of this country.

Well, I think the Sixth Amendment is implied from don't covet thy neighbor's act.

Well, right, that's where it comes from, obviously.

Yeah.

So now, this decision was preliminary, but it goes into effect immediately and it blocks the posters from being put up before the school year begins.

It is, however, limited to only four districts in Arkansas because those were the only districts that had plaintiffs in the case.

Those do, however, include the state's three largest school districts.

And there's every reason to believe that Brooks will ultimately strike down the law as unconstitutional since he mentions repeatedly in his preliminary decision decision that it is plainly unconstitutional.

Sorry, he said, What?

I'm getting my Falcons, Zephyr, Talon, Serafina.

We're rolling out this probe.

Big balls, I'll be home late.

Try not to lose a flag to a 15-year-old.

And you may be thinking to yourself, sure, Noah, that's great, but it can only last until the Supreme Pontific gets a hold of it and makes it against the law to not have Ten Commandment monuments in every classroom and outside of every fucking building.

And I get it, right?

That's not outside the realm of possibility, especially if somebody paid them to do it.

Yeah.

His name is Harlan Crow, by the way.

Yeah.

And he has a garden of fascism full of statues of fascists.

Yep.

Sure does.

But there are two counterpoints there.

The first is the fact that many state constitutions have more robust protections for church-state separation than the federal government.

The second is that very often the threat of a lawsuit is enough to make change, which takes us to our second story out of Illinois, where the Jefferson County Courthouse has chosen to voluntarily remove a giant, incredibly gaudy Ten Commandment monument rather than try to defend it in court.

Okay.

I mean, ship it to Harlan.

It'll look great next to Nikolai Ceausescu probably in that garden.

I never played as him in Expedition 33, by the way.

I just

neither did I.

So this monument, which is, in addition to being

unconstitutional, also fugly.

It just, the kerning on it is weird the the alignment is weird weird it looks like you know those statues of angels that like your grandma collects three years before she dies it looks like this was their big project for yeah right yeah yeah so now it went up last year thanks to this overzealous sheriff who thought that the bremerton decision meant that there were no laws for christians anymore which it kind of does but that case a had fuck all to do with religious displays and b only granted bonus rights to christians if they'd been doing their bigoted thing for a long time.

New bigotry wasn't covered.

Regardless of what the Supreme Court might eventually do about it, current case law on this comes from a 2005 decision about a Kentucky court that plainly says that a standalone Ten Commandments monument is illegal.

Now, ultimately, the hero in this case turns out to be some insurance guy who is like, no fucking way we're covering you if you try to defend this shit in court.

So ultimately, the sheriff behind the whole thing backed away because he couldn't afford to defend it, not because they realized the error of their ways.

Cool.

Yeah, but a win is a win, and we'll take what we can get at this point.

I was going to say, yeah.

And in Free Arranged Parenting News,

there's a matchmaking site for Christian parents to arrange the marriage of their kids.

Oh, my God.

That's right.

We've got a god-awful website's mini for you.

The site is called covenantmatches.com and it's founded by Pastor Joel Webbin of the Covenant Bible Church in Texas.

He's also the president and founder of Right Response Ministries, a hate group, according to the SPLC.

Probably just guessing, didn't check on that.

Their mission is to address the very important issue of poverty.

Theological poverty, to be clear.

Imaginary.

So, yeah, he started an online brokerage firm to facilitate buyers and sellers, aka Christian parents, in making that transaction of property called arranged marriage and thereby rid the world of theological poverty.

Here's the description: quote, a parent-guided matchmaking service for Christians who take marriage seriously, because love should be more than a swipe.

Okay, but this is less than a swipe, though.

They don't even get into swipe.

Shh, Noah, quiet.

Heath's telling me the first steps on how to set up my son's harem.

And I'm like,

so you're probably wondering about the economic data on theological poverty.

I couldn't find anything from the OECD, but luckily they have some good stuff at covenantmatches.com.

Oh, good.

According to the About Us section, quote, over the last 50 years, marriage rates have plummeted, especially among young adults.

I mean, that is where they would plummet from, yes.

In 1970, nearly 80% of 25-year-olds were married.

Today, that number is below 30%.

Delayed marriage and the prioritization of individualism over family have replaced covenantal unions, leading to loneliness and fatherlessness.

This collapse demands a return to biblical courtship, where parents guide marriages, Genesis 24,

chastity is honored, no notes, 1 Thessalonians 4, 3 to 5.

And God's design for one man and one woman, Matthew 19, 4 to 6, is upheld.

End quote.

Sorry to tell you, son, we arranged for you to be straight and to have a ponytail fetish, actually.

Yeah, it's definitely a biblical problem and not a women can have their own credit cards now problem.

Yeah.

So here's an example of someone you might find.

The profile says, Mary, a gentle-spirited daughter devoted to her church family and prayer mary is prepared for courtship with a man led by god she has an excellent career but is ready to make adjustments for a family oh my god so you can mooch off her or forbid her from having a bank account dealer's choice wow tell us yeah

All right.

Well, you might be skeptical.

Don't believe me, though.

Best in class bamboo rayon, motherfuckers.

Just listen to these happy customers.

This is from from Sarah and Daniel Whitaker.

Apparently, they both wrote it like a couple's answering machine testimonial.

Quote: Covenant matches didn't just help us find each other, it helped us find a God-honoring path to marriage.

From the beginning, our families were prayerfully involved, and we were encouraged to pursue purity, wisdom, and intentionality.

Intentionality?

No randomly derived movements or utterances for us.

No spasmodic shit.

We have entropy in our arrangements.

Continuing.

We never felt like we were just dating.

We were preparing for covenant.

In a world that devalues marriage, covenant matches remind us of its eternal worth.

End quote.

They also had a recommendation from Rachel Evans, the parent of a bride.

Except, no, they didn't.

The top of that section says, testimonials made up for now.

We're new.

What?

No, you just don't have.

I'm sure one of these marriages is going to work out eventually.

We've had a bad run.

You guys know what testimonials are.

We'll give examples just to make it clear what that would be if we ever get any.

It also says, quote, all matches must be biblically aligned, rejecting any unequally yoked partnership.

2 Corinthians 6, 14.

And I'm going to put a sick there because that's yoked with an L, like eggs.

Continuing, by the way, very next sentence after that.

We stand on the inerrant word of God.

2 Timothy 3, 16, 17.

End quote.

I would like to stand on something a little more solid if we could.

Yeah.

I love that they have inerrant, right?

And most importantly, Pastor Joel Webbin, the Texas Arranger,

looks like the platonic sex criminal.

Like, AI made a composite sketch of every sex criminal.

This is what they got.

I found a headshot that he clearly chose.

He chose this headshot.

Yeah.

And it looks like he just got a makeover to look nice for doing his Megan's Law door knocking.

Like, exactly.

He looks like he got a discount at Hair Club for men because his head comes to a point.

Yeah, right, right.

There's just so little of it.

So, I'm sorry, I just want to apologize for not laughing at Texas Arranger when it happened.

Like, by the time I got it, it was so late that I would have been weird, would have been awkward for me.

He sneaks some good shit in there.

That's good shit, Jesus.

Subtle.

So, all of that that I just mentioned can be yours absolutely free.

They're waiving the membership for everyone until they have 500 members.

Oh, and maybe get a real testimonial or two.

And after that, it is ladies' night for six months.

Women, read the owners of women, parents, get six months free.

For everyone else, it's only $25 a month.

And that's with, quote, the freedom to cancel anytime, no long-term commitments, just a community dedicated to glorifying God through marriage.

End quote.

Covenantmatches.com.

Okay, you laugh, Heath, but there was a time on this podcast when we would have signed you up.

Okay.

Okay, there's a testimonial from Anne on it.

I'm seeing.

See?

And in circumcision decision news, you'd be amazed at the statements that some people find controversial.

Like freedom of religion means freedom from religion.

Not being able to deny other people's rights is not, in fact, religious oppression.

And men who are the little spoon to their wives shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Common sense policies we should all be able to get behind.

Or in front of, you fucking bigot.

Thank you.

Yes.

I am a power small spoon, by the way.

It's manly.

I vote Heath off the podcast.

It's not manly, but I like you.

We vote you off the podcast.

No, I vote you.

I vote both of you.

I use my secret extra.

I think it is manly, actually.

It can be.

It's awesome.

Small spoon's great.

Anyways, all that aside, this week we got a reminder that don't mutilate your penis is one of those statements as 39 boys died and dozens more were mutilated after botched circumcisions during tribal initiations in South Africa.

You need to soak the line for your weed whacker overnight, guys.

Makes all the difference.

Also, if you're harvesting the skin of little boys, I mean, lots of questions, but why go straight for the penis when you're doing this?

But that is a good question.

It is a good one.

Good place to start.

Right.

So, first off, big thanks to Rob for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Rob, for sending us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com.

You've passed our tribal initiation into an elite society known as people who do our job for us and we like you better.

Your robe and swingy smoke thing are in the mail.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

The package is not addressed to you, but it is.

There is one in the mail.

It is in the mail.

Yeah, that's right.

So let me get out ahead of the apologetics at the start here, right?

Which is that there is some, not a ton, but some evidence that circumcision, when performed by a well-trained medical professional perfectly, does nothing to your penis.

Now, I'm not sure why people feel the need to point that out, right?

Because most finger mustache tattoos do nothing to your finger.

That doesn't mean they're not stupid and unnecessary.

But more importantly, lots of circumcisions are not performed by medical professionals.

They're not performed perfectly, which makes the nothing they provide as a benefit kind of not worth it.

Well, right.

So, like, if your argument is people in places without clean water can't clean their dicks good enough, I feel like our efforts are better spent getting them clean water, right?

Sure, yeah.

And if the water is dirty, like, I don't know, holy water that's lousy with cholera and PCs as an example, maybe open penis wounds are something to avoid.

There you go.

Yeah, a good idea.

Right.

So, regardless of how you feel about perfectly executed aesthetic dick chops, the story is not about that.

It's about the ceremony known as Ulwaku that is typically carried out by the Zosha people in South Africa.

It marks the transition from boyhood to manhood, but it also marks the transition from alive to fucking dead way more often than it should.

Last year, 93 participants died.

And according to the Daily Mail, 361 boys have died in the last five years because the ceremony is conducted using, get ready for this, quote, old spears and razor blades by unskilled traditional surgeons, end quote.

So the weed whacker.

So that would be an upgrade.

A weed whacker would be better.

Jesus.

More modern.

Yeah.

Probably newer than an old spear, at least.

Get a new spear.

Yeah, I want you to have a new spear for this.

And if you're wondering, no, this is not a ceremony that most of these young men are in a position to pass on.

Without undergoing the ceremony, they are not allowed to sit in on tribal meetings, take part in some social activities, or even get married.

What we're saying is that South African Heath is

loving having an intact business all by himself in his house with plenty of room for activities.

That's true.

Activities are fun, but it looks like a baby sandworm.

Sure.

Most of the time.

Yeah, sure.

It's sculpting.

It's subtractive art when it's done.

That's what it is.

It's art on a baby's penis.

Cool, chill art on a baby's penis.

Exactly.

I feel like you're saying it in a jokey tone.

I'm saying it in a weird way.

You're saying it from.

I'm just still picturing giving a baby a finger mustache tattoo, right?

Yeah.

Honestly, if I could trade, if I could trade my mom giving me shit about the fact that Max doesn't have a finger mustache tattoo, I'd take it.

Now, it's worth pointing out that the government is doing their best to push back on this problem.

Kind of.

The Customary Initiation Act has been introduced to make it illegal for unregistered initiation schools to be set up, and all traditional surgeons must now be qualified, which is obviously an improvement.

But qualified penis mutilation is still bad, and not enough people are taking the just stop slicing up your dick angle for my liking.

The government has publicly set a goal of zero deaths for next year, the same goal that they had this year.

And in their

defense, they did manage to cut the deaths by half.

But it's worth remembering that without religious stupidity, we would already be there.

Yeah, already to zero.

Plus, when we're talking about circumcision, cutting by half shouldn't really be rewarded.

Exactly.

Yes, thank you.

And speaking of, nope, nope, there is no way to directly transition from Jesus.

Yeah, no, I'm not comfortable.

So here's it's time for another ad

little spoon, motherfuckers.

Bonjour, podcast list now.

It is I, Paul Brudhan.

Eli, what are you doing?

And why are you wearing a chef's costume?

I am not Eli.

I am famous Cajun chef, Paul Brudham, and I am here to tell our Cajun listenership about our live show in New Orleans on September 27th.

There will be fish fry, crab boil, a plenty.

No, no, Eli, it's Paul, Paul.

Paul, there isn't going to be a crab boil at the show, but there will be jokes and, you know,

show stuff.

Right.

Plus, Platinum Night tickets are still available so people can spend a night of food, fun, and games with us for a VIP experience.

Biosaur.

Not using that right.

Bibliothek.

Again.

Where can I get these tickets?

GodawfulMoviesLive.com or check the show notes.

GodawfulMoviesLive.com.

Yeah, once it again, in case anyone couldn't understand that, GodAwfulMoviesLive.com.

Adam.

I'll see you in September, New Orleans, Orleans, for the revolution.

Not even a Cajun accent.

That is not.

And we're back.

Next up in headlines in Epcot Fail News.

Nice.

We have another failure of Christian idiots trying to make a theme park.

This one is already failing before it's even open, making it less successful than Ken Ham's Ark Park in Kentucky.

That's the boat on a trailer park that proves intelligent design or something.

So yeah, not a good sign when you're losing to that.

And the loser I'm talking about is the American Heartland Theme Park with its grand opening planned for the fall of 2026 in Vanita, Oklahoma on Route 66.

But that might get delayed or canceled entirely after a lawsuit by a big investor alleging a whole bunch of religion-based fraud.

Which is kind of like saying fraud-based fraud, but not exactly.

Yeah.

Of a theme park, right?

Fraud-based fraud in an industry wildly known for fraud.

We need a fireman.

Draw me a maze.

And a big thanks to Jeff from Disney for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If Eli goes back to Disney World, and I will, Jeff is allowed to do one very aggressive side tackle of Eli while wearing the costume of a beloved cartoon character.

I don't think Jeff does mascot stuff at the job, but I'm sure he can borrow a suit for doing a really good bit.

Eli, though, is allowed to pick which character.

You know where they keep the suits, Jeff, and you know who holds the keys.

You do.

I mean, Jeff, look, if you're going to tackle me dressed as Madame Liota, I'm going to pay extra.

You know what I'm saying?

That's, I've.

Win-win.

That's a dream.

So the park was announced in 2023.

And despite receiving a whole bunch of money from investors, the only construction so far is a gravel road and a fence well i i i do think you mean the roller coaster for acrophobics and the two-dimensional climbing tower he inrat

it's like you're talking about trump's wall and

a bunch of lying happened along the way and the lawsuit was filed last week by primary investor gene bicknell the charges include racketeering racketeering conspiracy, civil conspiracy, fraud, deceit, constructive fraud, unjust enrichment, and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

That last one is the best part because the emotional distress is apparently disappointment with God, and that's distressing.

Bicknell claims he got tricked into investing in the park by deceitful tactics that preyed on his religiosity.

For example, Bicknell got approximately a hundred texts and emails from a person named Sister Catherine asking for money.

Turns out that's a fake nun made up of defendants.

Okay, but if you can sue people for sending you texts from fake ladies, I might be able to retire.

And Bicknell got hundreds more similar messages from a source pretending to be

the God of the universe.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Of course, you have to take that very seriously.

And Gene got tricked into investing 60 million Christian dollars.

Oh, my God.

Why do we do this job?

Okay, more importantly, does suggesting to Noah and Heath that we buy America on the bounce on our company Slack thread expose me legally?

Because

I do need to know.

So I guess that's fraud because it's lying about magic stuff.

instead of telling the truth about magic stuff.

But even if you take away the fake emails, this is the dumbest project ever.

Again, it's called the American Heartland Theme Park.

And apparently, that's the whole theme right there.

Just America.

That's the theme.

The plan is to have the park feature six lands that represent America, I guess.

Liberty Village, Great Plains, Bayou Bay, Big Timber Falls, Stony Point Harbor, and Electropolis.

There's also a plan for something called Three Ponies RV Park.

But don't answer yet.

They also might have a

Charlotte's Web thing, if the budget allows.

It's described as a barnyard adventure.

By which we mean it's a barn.

With spiders.

Way more than one, by the way, not just one.

And some pigs.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, Plaintiff Gene heard about all that amazing stuff and he invested $60 million and now he has emotional distress.

So I'm rooting for nobody.

Yep.

Everybody loses.

I am rooting for them to open this fucking theme park and then we're all taking a company vacation together and we're bringing Seth Andrews and he's going to buy us funnel cakes.

I love funnel cake.

They didn't mention having right.

I love Seth Andrews.

We'll bring our own funnel cakes.

Win, win, win, win, win.

And in Crest Risen News, it's really hard to properly abortion your fears of theocracy these days, which is kind of what we're here for, I guess.

But sometimes doing so forces us to talk about stories that certainly aren't the biggest news items of the day, but kind of encapsulate the terrifying stuff that doesn't always fit into a like single headline format like we do here, which is why we're going to talk about the relatively minor decision by West Point to put their official seal back on the Bibles issued at the nation's military academy, because the Trump administration wants the military to be more openly Christian.

You see how that works?

Little decision, terrifying implication.

Okay, my first reaction is:

who is this for?

Who thought the U.S.

military wasn't Christian enough?

But then I immediately remembered that insane questions don't really work anymore.

There's always a fucking answer.

It's Pete Hegseth and Russell Vought and a bunch of other Christian theocrats.

That's the answer.

Like, Pete showed up at West Point and he saw, I don't know, hummus in a mess hall.

And he was like, guys, guys, way too Muslim gross.

Exactly.

Right.

So, yeah, so I should say up front that all they're doing is going back to the way shit was done before Biden got a hold of it, which is an obsession of Trump's regardless of the theocratic implications.

But apparently, they just, they always had these official school Bibles that had the crest of the academy emblazoned across the front of them.

But at some point last year, they were redesigned to remove that official logo because

presumably somebody realized that having a Bible that looked like it was officially endorsed by the U.S.

military looked really bad when they wanted to kill Muslim countries for non-religious reasons.

There's a right way and a wrong way to plunder oil.

Let's not be gauche about it.

Right.

Cool.

Exactly.

Leave God out of our imperialism.

Thank you very much.

So predictably, Christians freaked out.

How dare they not imply that Christianity is the military's officially endorsed religion?

So a right-wing legal group filed a FOIA request about it.

They never got a response, so they sued.

But of course, the Trump administration saw this suit as yet another opportunity to promote the mythical narrative that Biden was anti-Christian.

So they released this self-indulgent bullshit statement about how this is another example of Biden pushing woke politics onto the army and how they're proud to suck Jesus's balls in public or fucking whatever.

Guys, Biden doesn't even remember you exist.

Drop the feud.

Biden helped you win so hard.

Right?

Thank you.

You should like this guy now.

And I want to point out that even the revised versions of the Bible still had United States Military Academy, Academy, West Point, New York printed on them, right?

Like it was more of a property of kind of thing, so people didn't steal their shit, I guess.

But it's not like they were like taking the name of the school off of them even.

All they did was remove the crest, which had a very official seal of approval look to it.

And even that was enough to earn the ire of Christian snowflakes.

And finally tonight, in Florida's drag news, one of the most dangerous things about the trumping of American politics is the normalization of extremism.

Batshit examples of obvious fascism that would have been career-ending gaffes a year ago are the campaign promises of politicians today.

And we got another great example of that this week as Florida's attorney general subpoenaed a gay bar for a list of guests who attended a drag show.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, so hey, Florida gay bar.

If you want some pun names that they won't realize are bullshit until they read them out loud, let me know.

That's kind of one of my specialties.

Yeah.

Or just send them a giant list that says Spartacus on every line.

That'll be exactly.

Yeah, I've been to a lot of drag shows.

I've never like given my name at the door.

No, you have not.

I've said Spartacus.

Exactly.

Right.

So first up, a big thanks to Erin in the Morning for bringing this to our attention.

If you aren't following Erin, she's doing amazing skeptical work against theocratic trans panic gripping our nation.

And you can follow her stuff and support her at aaroninthemorning.com.

That's E-R-I-N, Aaron, not like the Dolphin Foyer.

Exactly.

So in case you missed it, Florida, in spite of deceptively containing the happiest place on earth, is a southern state filled with southern people who are, on average, worse in every possible way than their northern counterparts.

I know.

I know, but don't be mad at me.

That's just math.

and science.

Now, as long as the North contains Indiana, I cannot play along with this.

Yeah, and like most of upstate New York and most of Michigan, most of Ohio, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, the Dakotas.

I didn't say we were perfect.

The eastern half of Oregon.

Hey, I just named one voting district.

That's the new one voting district.

You all get two senators.

Everything I just said to combine.

Sherry Mandard.

Yeah.

And their explicit target the last couple of years has been gay and trans people, with their latest target being the Kilted Mermaid, a gay-friendly bar in the town of Vero Vero Beach.

That's because the Kilted Mermaid is owned by the town's vice mayor, who has made it abundantly clear where the state government can stick their new laws, a location like her establishment that is very gay-friendly.

Yeah, yeah, right.

So, look, if you saw, if you thought this was just run-of-the-mill anti-LGBTQ fascism, no, it's worse.

It's also the intimidation of an opposition leader.

Yeah, it is.

So, tell that Florida AG he can pick up the guest list during the next big drag show.

And then film everything that happens, please.

Pretty pleased.

Or don't just a big game of keepaway is the entire drag show.

Yeah, yeah.

So what's the excuse?

Well, as I said at the top, it is a drag show.

The Kilted Mermaid routinely hosts drag events, some of which are family friendly and others which are restricted to adult audiences.

And when the Attorney General heard that kids were being allowed to see a drag performance, he issued a press release saying that he had, quote, opened an investigation into this sexualized sexualized performance to determine the extent of the content and exposure to children.

End quote.

Wait till they hear about churches.

Yeah.

And wait till they hear about the testimony that Ghelaine Maxwell is about to remember differently for no reason at all.

She's

such a not dangerous prisoner.

Right.

So as I said at the top, that subpoena requests a list of performers and guests that night, as well as the surveillance footage from the venue.

Jesus.

None of which have been granted, because if anyone shouldn't have a list of people at a gay bar, it's insane people who think their existence is a threat to children.

And to be clear, nobody has been charged with a crime here.

According to Ronalda Adagi of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, quote, his office is now phishing for personal data about everyone who attended or performed at the event.

This should set off every civil liberties alarm bell we have, end quote.

Okay, I get what you're saying, man, but if you've got civil liberties alarm bells in Florida that weren't already ringing, they're broken.

Yeah, exactly.

They ran out of battery.

So like most Florida homophobia, like 2022's Don't Say Gay Bill, charging that trans girl for using the bathroom, threatening a wedding for using rainbow lights, this will hopefully go nowhere, but not for lack of trying.

And just a quick reminder before we celebrate too hard, the harassment is part of the point.

Right.

Right.

All right.

Well, it looks like we need to see Bugs Bunny about a sauce so we're gonna wrap the headlines up there heath eli thanks as always

and when we come back we're gonna learn about the dangers of

again

one of the few impressive aspects of christian filmmaking is their ability to fit feature length bullshit into a 10-minute video which we're gonna be exploring again in this installment of god awful minis

So tell us, Heath, what we'd be breaking down today?

We watched Aaron Eckert being a beautiful man.

I don't know, something Mormon happened or whatever.

It's called Godly Sorrow Leads to Repentance.

I wasn't really paying attention to the plot.

Get it.

Get it.

And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if you love the misogynistic, unprofessional, and life-endangering process of temple approval, but you wish it contained a bit more, this hurts me more than it hurts you and your reputation and your whole family, you will love this movie.

Whoo, yeah, did not love a damn second of it.

Well, okay, so the Aaron Eckert parts, but yeah, anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best, worst.

Also, singing narrator who doesn't give a fuck about what's happening.

It seems like this narrator was told, like, I don't know, sing the plot.

And then they were just like, all right, I'm going to ad-lib this whole thing.

I'm just going to sing along with what I think is happening.

And we get a few jarring, jarring segues to this singer.

It's funny.

Oh, and so I'm going to go with best worst, yada, yada, yada, lady words, lady words, lady words.

Yes.

Like over and over again in this movie, which is about like this video, which is about this woman, right, who wants the temple recommend for her wedding.

Like over and over again, when it comes time for her to talk, the video literally just cuts out and moves forward to when she's done with all her lady bullshit.

Yeah, you know, she talks about lady stuff.

You know, blah, blah, blah.

And I am going to go with best worst defense of a terrible practice.

Okay.

So for those of you who aren't ex-Mormons, lucky you, by the way, this whole video is about something called temple approval, which was and still is a huge deal.

Now, we've talked on all of our shows about the problem of like bishopdom in Mormonism, right?

Which is that there are like these randomly appointed baseball coaches just serving as paid.

Yeah.

Right.

Unlike the real experts in other parts of christianity yes exactly not nowhere near the expertise you'd hope for from a catholic priest right and they're serving this sort of these confessional things but then they turn around and punish people for those confessional situations which is what this movie will be about it is a huge life-destroying problem that the church has been aware of for years and this video is basically

come on sometimes it works out well right yeah it's just a demonstration of how terrible and awful it is from people who just don't realize how terrible and awful it is.

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

It's like, think about all the friends you have when your husband's polygamous in the movie.

All right.

So the video starts off with Kim, our main character, talking to her bishop about her upcoming nuptials.

And we're going to get that as a VO as we get shots of her like joyously preparing for her wedding.

Yeah.

To professional actor Aaron Eckhart.

I know you thought maybe Heath was just randomly fantasizing about Aaron Eckhart, but no, we get baby Aaron Eckhart in this movie.

Yeah, but no, he's actually,

he's actually in it.

This is a big break.

The VO was confusing to me from the start.

So it's just some guy talking to Kim who's about to get married.

And I was like, who is just a random narrator being creepy to Kim?

We're going to find out.

It's that creepy elder who approves the thing that Eli's talking about.

But it's a weird moment.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah.

So she starts talking about her marriage.

We all Google, is that that really Aaron Eckert in this fucking

Mormon video?

And yes, it is.

And he's Mormon.

He did a mission and everything.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I Googled that and I found an interview where they were like, are you a Mormon still?

And he was like, ah, I don't know how I was raised like all

active Mormons.

Ah!

At a certain point, that's going to be over the fucking temple.

It's just, eh,

my mom.

Yeah.

So, right.

So, but, but then we eventually we back out of the montage into sort of the framing of this, which is that she's getting interviewed to see if she's worthy of a temple marriage.

Now, keep in mind that temple marriage really started off with like, you know, officially raping children's ceremonies or whatever.

So, I don't know that there's a whole lot of gravitas to this, but it means a ton to Mormons, obviously.

Yes.

And a reminder that the number one reason for refusal for temple marriage is that you are found not to be tithing enough.

So, oh, is it?

Yeah.

Temple marriage is a fucking shakedown.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

So he got, he goes, this is the first time we get my best words, right?

He goes, well, what are you looking forward to most?

And she goes, well, finally being able to, and then it just cuts out.

What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

It's so creepy.

It's like an interview for the job of wife

with the church, not like a husband potential or something, just talking to some, some dude, dude, just some other dude.

Yeah.

I want her to be like, I'm looking forward to, I'm, I'm looking forward to, I'm too much of a perfectionist at Mormon stuff.

I work too hard.

Well, and of course, I hadn't realized yet that they were just cutting out all of this lady stuff because who cares what the lady says?

So when they did this, it's just like finally being able to stut.

And they caught, I'm just like, what did she fucking say?

Did she, did she just say, stick his fat cock in my ass?

What happened here, right?

I really peg him.

I'm excited to peg Aaron A.

So now like 100,000 windows in New York, whatever.

So

let me have the thing.

So, and then he goes, like, he goes, is there anything in your life that hasn't been resolved with the proper priesthood authority?

Okay.

And then she responds with this like undisguised look of terrible guilt and shame.

All right.

Just to be clear, translation of that ridiculous question.

We did OPPO research on you, and we found that you wore pants one evening last year.

Right.

And so she like admits that, well, Matt, that's Aaron Eckert's character, while he was on his mission, she spent time with another boy.

And the priest says, go on, as though he's touching it through his pants.

He's like, go on.

He adjusts a half erection and is like, say more directly what you want.

Right.

And again, based on the history, he probably is.

Right.

Well, yeah.

Well, right.

And so, and then there's this kind of hilarious moment where he's trying to get specifics and she's just trying to use euphemisms.

So she just keeps using different euphemisms.

And he's like, No, you have to, you have to say what he where he put his.

Did he put his P in your V?

Like, yeah, you have to, like, you have to tell me that me, an unqualified stranger.

It's like a halfy at best.

You're killing me, ladies.

Yeah, oh, no.

Eventually, she stopped.

She euphemisms so hard that they cut her off again.

They're like, Well, she's not going to give us the good stuff.

Then we're going to yada, yada, yada, her again, right?

Well, yeah.

So, and I wrote my notes naively.

I wrote, well, we fade out during her answer so that the kiddos don't have to hear any of the sort of details, but no, it's because we don't give a shit about words that come from lady mouths.

Yeah.

But when we fade back in from that, the priest informs her that that is very serious, what he just told her off camera.

Very serious.

And then she's like, it's not, though.

It's not.

Just let me have the fucking wedding.

Yeah.

We pay you so much money.

Aaron Ecker, he's tithing.

Have you seen this guy?

So, yeah, but she isn't sufficiently repentant to get a temple recommend,

right?

So, yeah, yeah.

So we just kind of, we yada, yada, yada our way through that a little more of like him clarifying why she can't be married in the temple.

Yeah.

He says you got to resolve this problem before we let you be in the temple for a wedding.

The problem being that she had a boyfriend once before this missionary like, yes.

What would that mean resolve the problem?

Like unheed that kid from like her previous

yeah I think you have to take him out.

Right.

right she's got to like yeah you gotta take him out and then you gotta do that baptism for the dead thing so that his sin doesn't exist anymore yeah you gotta do a backhand over the pants to cancel it out right but so okay so but of course like for people like us who aren't familiar you know who didn't grow up and all of this we're just like looking this disgusting practice in the face i like for me for the first time right where this woman is like and and she's not like a bad actor so she's like playing the part of this person who's just devastated because this guy is just telling her like hey you you know, this not being married in the temple is a whole big fucking deal.

And everybody will want to know why you're not getting married in the temple.

So you have to go out and tell the entire goddamn community that you gave this guy a heach.

Yeah.

Right.

Or just, I did something so terrible that they aren't giving me a temple recommend.

Right.

Right.

It's so unspeakably fucking cruel.

And of course, the message it sends is, wow, she really should have lied to that random stranger who asked about her sex life.

A hundred.

okay, so this gets to the core of what I think this movie actually is about.

I think some woman was like, these girls gonna start fucking lying.

Hey, guys, you know, when I missed my temple recommend, when that old man snitched on me and it ruined my wedding day, oh, I really loved it.

Let's make a movie about how telling you results in these consequences.

And they were like, really, Wendy?

You think that's a good idea?

And she was like, absolutely.

I loved it so much.

Yummers.

Oh, interesting.

I like that.

I like the subversive angle.

Yeah, it turns out you could, they're lying about everything.

You just lie also, and it's better.

Yeah.

It's a good message.

By the way, when you look up refused temple recommend, at least on my Google algorithm, the first result is from the ex-Mo Reddit with people sharing why they didn't get their temple recommends before they stopped being Mormon.

And the second result is a Salt Lake City Tribune article or one of those Utah newspapers interviewing rape victims who didn't get their temple recommends because because they weren't virgins on their wedding days.

Woof.

Oh, man.

So, yeah, so, and she's like, she's kind of explaining to the bishop, she's like, hey, you know, like, if we just keep this between ourselves and I could tell God I'm sorry and, you know, he would forgive me because that's kind of his thing.

And maybe we do an extra hand job so that this all sort of balances out.

Right.

And he goes, and the bishop is like, you know, I think the problem is, is that you're worried about like your, what your, you know, friends will think and what your family will think and what will haunt you for the rest of your entire goddamn life.

And not thinking about how sad baby Jesus was when you were giving that guy a heat.

Yes, the words he uses, and truly this is the most man spaney of man splainey sentences.

Let me see if I can help you understand.

Oh my God, fuck you.

Yeah.

And he's saying, like, you're too concerned about human shame.

You need to have.

godly shame in your whoreface and then maybe we'll give you the temple

you wouldn't be such a fucking whore face yeah seriously i would genuinely not be surprised if an ex-mo was like, hey, Heath, by the way, there is a Mormon unheaging ritual.

It's a real thing.

I'd be like, yeah, okay, that's right.

That's like the eighth craziest thing we've ever heard about.

Right, yeah, right.

Not it.

Eighth.

So, okay.

So then she goes home to weep and rage about it.

And there's this great, like, this artistic moment where she whacks her pillow and it hits the framed picture of her and Aaron Eckert.

And it like slow motion falls to the ground

as we're like seeing her sadness montage.

You got to check your area before you do the dramatic punching stuff.

Even if it's a pillow, you're going to break something.

Take it from three white men.

And this is, of course, where we're introduced to Heath's best worst, the exactly on the nose narration singing.

I hit the pillow too hard and I didn't even realize it was going to go all the way over to the bottom.

At the end of these 10 minutes, I'll have God the shame.

so it's yeah and she's she's telling aaron eckhart who i'm sure did not have sex outside of wedlock yes right right yeah he's very disappointed and he's going like why didn't you fucking lie am i marrying an idiot jesus yeah nork we get a little montage here the framed picture is still falling in slow-mo cross-cut with the montage and one of the moments she goes up to her friends, I guess, to tell them about the thing she did or like maybe she already told them and she's trying to still be friends.

So she walks up to her friends.

They let her get there.

And then they're like, fuck you, Kim Whore, and she has to just immediately walk away.

Oh, yeah.

Girl on the right is doing major stank face.

It's pretty fantastic.

Terrifying.

Well, wait.

And so, again, what they're showing is like, and her, and Aaron Eckhart is really mad and disappointed in her, and her parents are very upset with her, right?

So they're showing like her life being ruined by this absolute bullshit, right?

And so, but as we're getting that and the on-the-nose narration singing, eventually the picture hits the ground and it shatters and it shatters like it was shot, right?

A thousand tiny pieces.

There's this moment where she sort of she wipes the glass from the picture frame and then she wipes tears from her eyes.

And I'm like, I feel like you have one hand for brushing glass and the other.

It looks like she just picked up glass and started stabbing herself in the eye with it at first.

Now that's proper repentance.

Get in here, girl.

Oh, no.

So, okay, so now it's sometime later.

She's having another meeting with the bishop about that hand job, and he's explaining how

sorrow is actually a gift from God.

Yes, because your hand job is the reason that Jesus was crucified.

Right, in case you didn't feel guilty enough about it.

Yeah, and now this is a popular Christian apologetic, right?

The idea that like Christ paid for all the sins of the world, and sometimes Christ experienced all the sins of the world while on the cross.

Which either way, I feel like whatever the time period was where he was paying for all the hand jobs, Jesus was probably like, okay, dad, let's speed it up a little bit.

I don't think anybody actually can't do that.

Or he wasn't a value since.

No, my sorrow is just like Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Diane.

Forgive him.

Diane cuts back in.

He could probably give really good hand jobs with the holes right there.

Oh, yeah.

My sorrows.

So, but yeah, but then, yeah we get more of the montage music now she's praying really hard she's being ashamed of herself correctly now properly yes reading her bible staring sorrowfully out the window lying sorrowfully upon the grass very artistic we see aaron eckert for a minute too and he's

i was so mad he looks great in pleats in like giant it doesn't matter

1992 with huge amounts of pleats he looks amazing.

He looks great.

But the song ends.

Literally followed this up with Hot Shots Part Do, by the way.

In case you're wondering, it was Godly Sorrow, Hot Shots Part D.

But the song ends with her shaking the bishop's hand and he's smiling, right?

So her adultery is cured now.

So then we cut to her.

She's like sitting at the temple and she's staring at the temple that she can't get married in.

Or I guess now she can, right?

Because she fixed her adultery.

And the camera like slowly pans over.

Yeah.

And this is where we get pretty good confirmation of Eli's theory, I would say.

Because she's like, yeah, so I thought about lying because, you know, the whole thing is lying.

It would have been so easy if I had just lied.

For both of us.

But sorry, sorry, sorry.

But

now I, now I'm happy because I did.

And the pain is gone because I didn't lie.

Oh, better.

Yeah.

Well, right.

So like the pan ends up, it's Aaron Eckert.

We're like, well, of course it's fucking who the hell the fuck else would it be?

I wanted it to be Jesus.

I was really hoping

to pan over, and Jesus is showing her the 360 twist.

And she's like, well, I should have done that.

Yeah, right.

So,

but she's like, she's like, no, so, so, like, I'm actually really happy that I went ahead and was humiliated rather than lie.

And so, Aaron goes, well, what about all the pain?

And she says,

it's gone.

End of movie.

End of video.

Why?

It's movie's over.

Diane's cash.

It's gone.

It's going to be.

It's going to be good.

Liked it, actually.

Pain is gone.

Thank you, Diane.

Really good thing she didn't lie, even though it would have been way easier.

All right.

Well, here's hoping we can dig up more beloved celebrities, embarrassing home movies for the next installment of

God-awful videos.

Before we clock out for the night, I want to remind you to go to GodOffleMoviesLive.com to get your live show tickets for New Orleans on September 27th.

I also want to warn you that after we finish this episode, I'm taking off for Alaska for a couple of weeks.

I'm leaving you in Heath and Eli's capable hands, but if things get too crazy, I want you to go ahead and email me about it, okay?

I'm counting on you to keep track of shit.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show, The Skeptic, dipping at 7 Eastern on Monday, and even a new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Hot Friend Got Awful Movies dipping at 7 Eastern on Tuesday.

And even a new episode of our Have Sister Show's Citation Deed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright and Nela Bosnik in advance for taking on a ton of work on my behalf over the next couple of weeks.

I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions.

She was too busy getting ready for the trip to make the show this week, but she promises to bring some really misogynistic misogyny when she gets back.

I also want to thank Mary for providing this week's chef's kiss of a Farnsworth quote.

Good stuff.

Most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people: Tom Terrence, Voodoo, Magic, Swamp Lawyer, Richard, John, Julie, Other Julie, Timothy, Meads, Coffee.

So we come to this, Sam, Christopher, and Ned.

Tom, Terrence, Swamp Lawyer, and Richard, whose intellects are more vast than the frozen plains of America's 49th state.

John, the Julie's, Timothy, and Needs Coffee, or cooler than all the glaciers we're going to see on our Wednesday Glacier Cruise.

And the end of this, Sam, Christopher, and Ned, whose IQs are higher than the soaring peaks of Denalia, the gem of the Alaskan range.

Sorry, y'all.

My mind is where my mind is.

Together, these 13 people, necessities, and freelos to combat help make things like vacations to Alaska possible for us by joining the ranks of our incredibly generous patrons.

And if you'd like to chip in as well, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended advertising version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you're not giving us money until you get your own Alaska vacation, you can help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking to social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you're finding all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

What the hell was meow meow?

Yeah, tune-up.

Wow.

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The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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