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This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock and by Vaccines.

Vaccines.

Without them, a lot of us would be dead.

How is this hard for these idiots to understand?

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

As a cis-het white woman who grows facial hair, I assure you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men.

I can also assure you that it cost people employment opportunities due to transphobia.

Seriously, the guy was terrified of me, all 100 pounds of me, reached out to shake my hand, and then just couldn't bring himself to do it.

It's Thursday.

It's June 19th.

And it's Juneteenth, baby.

Whether Donald Trump likes it or not, that's right.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright.

And from Derrick, Cheaters, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we'll give you prophetic bullet points about the future.

A guy at his birthday party gets run over by a tank on autopilot?

Possibly, possibly.

And by the time you hear this, Heath will be Mr.

Heath Enright.

Still, because our system is sexist.

But first, the diatribe.

I didn't make my mind up to go to the local No Kings protest until about 20 minutes before it started.

I may have mentioned before that I'm a bit of an introvert and Lucinda's still at the early stages of being a non-smoker.

So as much as possible, she's still sequestering herself in the house like a morning Victorian mother or something.

So she wasn't coming with me.

My 18-year-old nephew might have joined me, but it was at 9 a.m.

and there's no fucking way you're going to get that kid out of bed before 1030 during the summer.

So I had to go alone.

And even once I talked myself into the car, I wasn't sure if I was actually going or if I was just going to drive by it and go home.

Because to be honest, it it wasn't just my crippling social anxiety holding me back.

It was also my subterranean opinion of this city.

To be honest, I half expected to be the youngest of four people out there with holding our feeble signs while we dodged spit and impromptu beverage missiles hurled from passing pickups while malicious people in red hats copied down our license plate numbers and local cops dropped in to tell us to stop resisting.

But when I got there about 10 minutes before the official start time, I was surprised to find a dozen and a half people or so so already lined up along the city's main road, all carrying messages with signs like no kings, my immigrant dad works harder than the president, and the delightfully succinct, Trump is a fink.

The organizers gave me a sign and a flag, and I took a spot along the line, and I genuinely thought that the 20 or so people we had was pretty impressive for a small town in ruby red, rural Georgia.

But within 20 minutes, that number had doubled.

And then it doubled again.

And then it doubled

And at its height, there were over 150 people lined up along the streets, chanting, waving their signs, and being heard.

What's more, there were at least a dozen honks of support from passersby for every middle finger or MAGA shout.

Even better, there was this feeble little pro-Trump gathering a couple of blocks down, and it couldn't even draw enough people to fill out a fucking lacrosse team.

And look, I know that 150 people is tiny compared to the tens of thousands of people that were showing up in protests all around the country, but 150 protesters in Way Cross, Georgia somehow feels more significant than 100,000 in Philadelphia or Seattle.

150 people who were, no doubt, overcoming the same fears as I was to be there, right?

I mean, significantly more fear for most of them since most of them were black, Hispanic, and or LGBTQ.

And yes, there was one asshole going down the line trying to sell everybody as Jesus.

Apparently you saw a line of people protesting against tyranny and oppression and thought, well, obviously those people aren't my religion yet.

But with that one exception, everybody I met was a stellar reminder of why these parts of the country are still worth our time and our effort.

And the thing that hit me the hardest, the thing that really drove all of that home was a sticker.

See, there was a group of women all prided up, and they were going through the crowd, finding their fellow LGBTQ folks, and they were giving them stickers.

We're in a very homophobic part of the country, and I think that was just their way of...

breaking the ice and saying, hey, if you're more comfortable around your people, there's a bunch of us all hanging out over here.

Anyway, so I'm standing next to one of these exchanges and I look down at the very cool assortment of stickers and I made a joke about how I would have been way gayer if I knew that there were stickers in it for me.

So the chick who's handing them out, she gives me a sticker for making her laugh and the sticker, which I quickly affixed to my no-king sign, was shiny, sparkly silver, and sort of a heavy metal font.

And it just said, y'all means all.

And I got to be honest, as silly and trite as that message is, it damn near brought a tear to my eye because it just, it perfectly encapsulated the lesson of the day for me

so when i think of southern culture i probably think of the same stuff that you think of right slavery and lynchings and snake handling pentecostals and racism and confederate flags and country boys rolling coal but encapsulated in that simple slogan was a reminder that it also has redeeming qualities

Southern hospitality isn't entirely a myth.

And, you know, the 149 people at the rally that weren't there to pester a captive audience about their religion were a stellar reminder of that fact.

These were people that by and large approach their culture with their eyes open to its horse in a spirit of redemption and reparation.

People who want to wrest the mantle of Southern culture away from backwards politicians and Republican bootlickers and make it stand for welcoming strangers and spicy food.

I've lived half my life in the South.

The single best person I've ever met is a Southerner.

Many, if not most of my best friends are products of Southern culture that I'm so quick to scorn.

Good secular progressive people devoted to equality and human flourishing.

And yet, when I want to sound dumb for a bit, I still can't help but don't southern affectations, right?

It's a bias that I'm aware of and one that I'm consciously trying to overcome, but it doesn't just show up in my derision of their accent, right?

It's also the bias that had me in such a panic about going to a protest that I almost skipped.

The truth of Way Cross, Georgia is far better than my prejudice-laden mind gave it credit for.

And if that's true for the worst part of America, it has to be true for America.

I mean, yes, the majority of people in my county are Trump voters and remain Trump voters despite the colossal ineptitude of his,

well, his everything.

But there are genuinely good people who are still fighting to shift the river down here.

And a lot of them were too old to reap any of the real benefits from the changes that they're trying to make.

So they have to be doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.

These people are good people, good, charitable people that are worth fighting for.

Hell, when you fight for them, sometimes they even give you stickers.

They're talking about you, Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight is nobody, because we're all in New York, either getting married or participating in the getting of married.

But we knew this was coming, obviously.

So we've been saving up a few extra headlines for you over the last few months.

So, yeah, sure, these stories may be a bit out of the date, but the joke should still be fresh.

But before we get to that, we're going to pause for a word from our this week's sponsor, MySheets Rock.

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I think it's like Khan at the end.

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Oh, we're getting ready for our big move to Oimiakon.

Where's that?

It's a small Siberian village, pretty remote.

Okay, why are you moving there?

Did Eli rejoin Twitter?

No, no.

Oimiakon wouldn't help us on that.

No, we're getting away from the summer heat.

Yeah, Heath and I are both warm sleepers, and we are not going to put up up with another sweaty summer.

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All right, thanks.

Looks like we won't be headed to Russia after all.

Yeah, but now we bought all these blue jeans for nothing.

Okay, speak for yourself.

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Thank you.

And now, headlines from the past already in progress.

And in our caucus' growing news, there's no doubt that the insane parts of politics are more insane these days.

Comments and actions that would have been career-ending a decade ago barely make it above the digital fold in today's world.

Okay,

you're still old if you say above the fold.

Adding digital doesn't fix that, man.

Everything's computer.

You nailed it.

You are.

A lot of notes this week, Heath Edright, a lot of notes.

I'm getting a lot of on-air feeds.

Did you enjoy a good piece of fish recently?

Do, and I did.

You always ask for a booth?

You excited about a booth?

I do like a booth, but it's because I'm fat for you.

Who doesn't want a booth?

Thank you.

Outvoted.

You should give up your drivers.

It's just good to like embrace it early.

You were just going to say I should give up, but I was like, hey, voice in my head.

Special guest.

All right, but it's important to remember that the insanity of Trumpism will not last forever.

And that, in fact, the sane parts of the world are growing more sane, more just, and more reflective of the world we want to live in.

Which is why I'm pleased to announce that the Congressional Free Thought Caucus has two new members this legislative session because your invisible friend shouldn't make laws is getting gosh darn trendy, everybody.

Ain't it though?

Great.

Somebody tell Chuck Schumer, though.

Well, he canceled his book tour, so I don't get to talk to him.

You stopped at the top of the stairs, the arc of the moral universe, and unfolded a fucking paper map of the city of the moral universe.

But I guess I'm glad there's two more people to be disappointed by him.

That's something.

Yeah.

Okay, so to be clear, when you said, Eli, that Trumpism wouldn't last forever, I expected the next sentence to be about how long it would take the nuclear fallout to kill us if we were only allowed to treat it with horse paste.

So I love your optics.

Thank you.

This is good stuff.

Straight up, Pollyanna.

All right.

So first off, big thanks to Hemet Meta over at the Friendly Atheist blog for bringing this story to our attention.

By signing up for his newsletter, Hemet gently laid this news story in our inbox over at scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you have an atheist news missive that you'd like to send to scathingnews at gmail.com, you can and should know that the lingering scent of Hemet's perfume will always be there in our hearts.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Lavender, leather, and a hint of pencil shavings.

It's delightful.

Stop pausing when you guys do this.

Like, I also want to sexually harass our colleague on air.

There's already a lawsuit.

Prude.

Prude.

I love his anosion.

Anyways,

thank you.

Anyways, the members in question are Andrea Salinas, a Democrat from Oregon, and Emily Randall, a Democrat from the state of Washington.

Now, you might already be familiar with Salinas for when she beat the shit out of the Democratic opponent bankrolled by Sam Bankman Freed, and then two Republicans in short order afterwards.

Yeah, it was nice that Bankman Freed hired a bunch of crypto bro missionaries to knock on doors and remind everyone he fucking sucks.

Missionaries being like, hey, have you heard the good news about the blockchain?

Yeah.

You got a moment to discuss money based on a dog meme?

Damn.

Gonna leave.

Yeah, you're right.

To which the electorate rightfully said, hey, whoever didn't make you talk to me, that has my vote.

I vote for them.

I vote for not you.

So Randall, on the other hand, is a newly elected lawmaker.

Her religion is officially listed as none.

Ooh.

And she's also the first openly queer Latina in Congress, an achievement only slightly marred by the realization that it took until 2025 for that to happen.

Yeah.

No, I wonder how long it'll take federally operated websites to admit it.

Yeah, or unadmit it.

Yeah.

So for those of you keeping track, that brings the CFC to 24 members.

members.

And I point that out for several reasons.

First is that when we started this show, that number was way less than 10.

So it's important to remember how far we've come, even when things are awful.

And by way less than 10, Eli means zero, because the Congressional Free Thought Caucus wasn't even founded until this show was five years old.

Time is of Let's Earth.

That's how new this shit is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Atheism was nascent.

Yeah, right.

We did it.

I always say we did it.

But on that note, it's easy to despair in times like this, to feel helpless and unrepresented in politics entirely.

But if you live in these districts, these are your congresspeople, and they do, in fact, represent you.

And long after Trump is gone, the work they did for and with you will remain because that's how history works 100% of the time.

And in When You Bible, you get bull news tonight.

One of the identifying traits of the MAGA Republicans is their ability to remain total fucking losers even when they win everything.

Right?

Like, you know how Republicans control the executive branch, both houses of Congress, and the Supreme Court, but despite writing the laws, executing the laws, and interpreting the laws, Trump can't accomplish any single agenda item without still breaking the law.

It's like that.

And perhaps the most striking example of this baffling ineptitude comes in the form of Oklahoma State Superintendent Ryan Walters' continued impotence in his effort to buy Trump Bibles for every Oklahoma classroom.

In Oklahoma, dude, you're not even playing on easy mode.

This is like demo mode.

You're a question

in Oklahoma.

You need some gutter guards for doing the theocracy over there?

How are you losing the tutorial?

Press A to punch.

That's it.

Just it's telling you the thing.

And look, we've been taking victory laps around Walter's pathetic efforts for so long that we have worn grooves into the ground about him.

At every turn, he's been thwarted by people from within his own fucking party, most notably Oklahoma Attorney General Gentner Drummond, who I only bring up in case we want to make fun of his name again.

Okay, he sounds like the grandfather of the dad from different strokes.

I keep picturing Colonel Sanders arguing in court with Gary Coleman about something.

Okay, sure.

But last week, Walter suffered his biggest defeat to date when the Republican-controlled legislature just left his dumbass request out of the budget talks altogether.

They were not even discussed on the floor.

As a Democratic state senator told the press afterwards, quote, Oklahomans are very familiar with the Bible.

They're very dutiful in picking their pastor, youth group leaders, and Sunday school teachers.

When you really listen to people, they're just not in favor of having the government involved in that, end quote.

Anyway, I'm off to go protest a government book burning.

I'm a Democrat in Oklahoma.

Bye-bye.

Say what you will about the bad times, but it makes for some strange bad fellows, right?

You can feel the comma man cut from that quoted a couple of times, right?

But despite the entire lack of support from within even his own fucking party, Walters isn't given in just yet.

He hasn't given up on forcing Bibles into Oklahoma's classrooms.

He's just given up on paying for them with taxpayer funds.

Instead, he's now teamed up with one-hit wonder and part-time Bible hawker Lee Greenwood to start some dumb fucking adopt-a-Bible grift that urges idiot Christians to pay for the Bibles themselves so that he can then send them to the classroom.

He sent out a funding request directly to the people on official fucking letterhead asking them to pay Lee Greenwood for his ridiculously overpriced Trump Bibles so that he could then put them in Oklahoma classrooms where taxpayer funds would presumably be used to pay for the ensuing lawsuits that the state's own Republican attorney General might just be spearheading.

And over to Jeff Blackwell, side-tackling chickens in a montage.

I like that.

Fun fact, also RFK Jr.'s current proposal for dealing with the bird flip.

Yeah, no, it is, though.

It is.

Now, I wanted to be clear to anybody who isn't doing the math.

Sorry.

Yeah, no, there you go.

Yeah.

Now, I want to be clear to anybody who isn't doing the math here.

The actual cost of a Bible is nothing.

Right?

Like, personally, I can't not own a Bible.

I've paid for one Bible in my life and I own seven of them.

And if I took everyone from everybody who shoved one at me, I would have one for every Oklahoma fucking classroom.

There are literally thousands of charities in the world that exist only to donate Bibles to people.

Instead of like bringing water to places that need water.

That is what they bring out.

Exactly.

To bring to people a book which is already free on the internet.

If the actual goal was simply to have Bibles available for teachers, the cost would be literally zero dollars.

Hell, as much of a historic low as being proud to be an American no doubt is, something tells me Lee Greenwood could afford to just donate the damn things himself if he wanted to.

But as ever, the point of the Bibles was always the grift.

Yeah.

We do have one listener who always takes Gideon Bibles and makes them into furniture, and that's pretty cool.

Oh, that's nice.

That is awesome.

That's like making the chair out of the crown royal bags.

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

Next up in headlines in overrated news.

Nice.

Elon Musk can't even do eugenics right.

No, he thinks he should be involved.

And that's not how you do it.

Nope.

It's the classic coming-kruger effect.

Elon is very concerned about the declining birth rate.

And he's going to solve that with his amazing DNA.

His come is so valuable that he's been paying women to take it off his hands.

Often using IVF to become pregnant as part of his natalist eugenics project at his terrifying culti compound in Texas.

And it appears he's been selecting embryos to get boys only because the only way to pump up the birth rate is more dudes.

And of course, he's an abusive sociopath towards the women involved.

That's according to a report by the Wall Street Journal last week entitled, The Tactics Elon Musk Uses to Manage His Legion of Babies and Their Mothers.

Okay, so I know you were using different words, but I heard you say Elon Musk would pay millions of dollars to get back a vial of his own cum if we took one hostage.

That is what I heard.

Yeah, I heard that too now.

I just love that he got this close to a consensual fuck harem, the only thing worth doing with a billion dollars besides giving it away.

And he added test tubes in Texas because he's the fucking worst in all possible scenarios.

So here's what we learned about Elon's male birthing startup.

Let's call it XY.

He'll enjoy that.

He strongly believes that he needs to seed the earth with more human beings of high intelligence.

So naturally, that means him and

alt-right influencers.

Shocking.

For example, Ashley St.

Clair.

Soon after she gave birth to their son, St.

Clair asked for a paternity test, and Elon responded by sending his fixer to offer St.

Clair $15 million plus $100,000 a month for the next 21 years if she agrees to sign a crazy contract full of one-way non-disclosure clauses and one-way non-disparagement clauses and financial clawback rules for breaking the agreement in any way.

St.

Clair refused to sign and eventually spoke out publicly.

That includes showing some of the insane texts that she got from Elon.

For example, he told her that a C-section allows for a, quote, larger brain.

He asked her to come live in his birthing compound, quote, with our kid Legion.

So that was his word there.

And he also added, quote, to reach Legion level before the apocalypse, we'll need to use surrogates.

The fuck Legion was his word?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like we should spend the rest of our lives apologizing to James Bond and Batman screenwriters for making their jobs harder than they had to be all these years.

Yeah.

I just love that the richest guy in the world got tricked by incel forum trolls into actually creating the fantasy that none of them wanted.

Right.

That's how capitalism went, everybody.

In case you're wondering, that's how it went.

Yeah, we also learned that Elon was going on Twitter to solicit more potential mothers.

Of course, he wanted all different sorts of intelligence, so it wasn't just alt-right influencers like Ashley St.

Clair.

He also focused on

crypto influencers.

In one example, he started liking and commenting on posts by crypto influencer Tiffany Fong to get her attention.

Based on the interaction with Musk and his 219 million followers, her earnings on the platform jumped.

And then he literally slipped into her DMs with an offer of common money.

She refused the offer, and he got mad, and her earnings went way down.

On her cryptocurrency.

I mean, look, the one bright side to this is that everyone in the story sucks.

Can we arrange sort of a group mediation inside a big Vatilava, maybe?

Yeah, right.

So I guarantee you, given what we know so far, that Musk has accidentally tried to sell his cum to at least one AI fuckbot at this point.

Some guy in India is just like, I don't know what to do with this, Craig.

I mean,

we got to build one of those AI things and get a vial and hold it hostage like you're talking about before.

We could do some good stuff.

I got a lot of ideas.

I got some ideas.

So the Elon story got me into a crazy rabbit hole about this natalism movement.

Apparently, it's like a whole thing now.

It starts with the basic observation that the human birth rate has been declining since about 1950, and that's true.

But from there, the movement goes completely off the rails.

In its current form in the U.S., it's turned into a toxic political thing with elements of Christian fundamentalism, white supremacy, and tech bro lunatics.

Also known as the Republican Party.

JD Vance and Elon are both high-profile voices now.

JD from the Christian family first angle and Elon from the tech bro angle.

Arguably both from the white angle.

Well, right.

Yeah, but you can make a strong argument that regardless of their views, JD and Elon will always be strong spokespeople against the concept of white supremacy.

Yeah, that's fair.

They will.

That's fair.

And speaking of which, I learned about a big event in Texas last month called Natal Con 25.

They claim they are not a white power eugenics conference, which is already suspect that they said that.

Yeah, neither is QED, but they don't have to point it out.

And it's even harder to believe when one of the main speakers was white nationalist, Pizzagate lunatic, and former Game of Thrones podcaster Jack Pasobiek.

He told the crowd, Western civilization isn't just worth preserving, it's worth fighting for.

This is a war, and natalism is our sword and shield.

Yeah, a lot of guys in the audience need to think about swords to come.

So this conference is serving a lot of purposes here.

And the rabbit hole continues.

This was insane.

NatalCon 25 also included a couple named Simone and Malcolm Collins, two of the main leaders of the natalism community.

They currently have four kids.

One is named Industry Americus, by the way.

What?

Yep.

And they're planning to have have a total of 7 to 13 kids.

As part of their natalist philosophy, they advocate for using IVF to select embryos with desirable genetics.

And, okay, like you can do some of that stuff ethically without racist eugenics being involved.

But the more I read about the Collinses, the less that seemed possible.

They claim to be atheists, but they don't seem to know what that means as a word.

They invented a religion they call techno-puritanism.

Yeah, atheism fail.

And it's partially based on the Bible, which they consider to be a divinely inspired scripture.

Oh, big fail.

Yep.

And not surprisingly, the couple believes in corporal punishment of their kids.

And that's based on Simone's observation of lions and tigers during a safari trip.

Oh, and all 24 of your kids work for mine.

Oh,

it's too bad I wasn't busy building a fascist army to hog him.

Yeah, right.

Okay, first of all, you didn't see a fucking tiger on a safari trip around continent.

And also, is what lions do a good model of human behavior now?

The fucking gayest animals in the savannah are our model now, guys?

Really?

Are you sure?

Okay, so you're probably wondering, How does Christmas work in techno-Puritanism?

Great question.

Instead of Christmas, they have Future Day.

And here's how they celebrate with the kids on Future Day, according to Simone.

Quote, the future police come and take their toys.

Not great.

And then they have to write a contract about how they're going to make the world a better place.

And they get their toys back with some gifts and stuff.

They get more gifts when they do whatever they said they were going to do.

Yeah, you know, I've said for years that the real problem with Christmas is that it's all giving and no taking away.

It's so fucking crazy.

Hey, these people's kids in the future, I will help you load their stuff into the old age home.

I'll buy you pizza for this move.

Just hit us up.

Yeah.

Also worth noting, the Collinses look like happy side characters from the Eugenics B team in the Handmaid's Tale.

Yeah.

But allegedly, they chose that.

They claim they're doing that look on purpose when they do interviews.

They dress like they're activating a school bully winter soldier

on purpose?

They do.

To whom, Cecil Tin?

Against 2020.

I don't, yeah,

not clear.

But yeah, okay, the birth rate, it is declining, but it doesn't matter, at least not in the way that natalism activists believe.

Right now, the rate is about 2.3 births per woman over the course of her life.

And the replacement rate to maintain the current population is 2.1.

So we're still growing as a world population.

But it's about 1.7 that rate here in the U.S.

And people like Elon Musk think we need more babies with amazing DNA like his, but no, we don't.

No, we do not.

And more importantly, none of the answers involve the politics of Elon Musk and Donald Trump and J.D.

Vance.

If we're worried about growing the U.S.

population, we should be encouraging immigration from other parts of the world with much higher birth rates.

But those places are

and not always Christian, so the bigots don't want to do it.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

So you can't have worried about declining population and anti-immigration without having white supremacy.

Those two things cannot otherwise combine.

Yeah.

And even if we're just focused on the existing U.S.

population, you increase the birth rate by having, you know, better public schools and universal pre-K and paid maternity leave and expanded child tax credits and universal health care.

In other words, we take Elon's money, none of his cum, just his money with a Liz Warren wealth tax, and we unplug his giant cum freezer and then like bury it under a metal dome like Chernobyl, whatever you got to do.

That is the tactic, yes.

Have a mass funeral as per Texas law, I guess.

Yeah.

Be a great party.

That's right.

And on that pre-recorded note, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our other sponsor this week, us.

Hey, podcast listener, as you're enjoying this episode, our very own Heath Enright is getting married.

That's right, I am.

And you might be wondering, what can I get Heath for a wedding gift?

After all, he's like my cool older brother who lives in my basement.

That's specific.

Well, why not congratulate him in person at our God-awful movies live show in Cleveland, Ohio on July 19th?

We'll be breaking down a terrible Christian movie on the CLE with all the uncensored, uncut, on-stage shenanigans I defend you from on a regular basis.

Plus, my entire family will be there.

It's gonna be weird.

Sure will, but don't wait.

Tickets to our shows sell out fast, like really fast.

Like so fast that by the time you hear this, they might be gone.

And if that's the case, we apologize fast.

But just in case, you can learn more and get your tickets at GodawfulMoviesLive.com.

Godawful Movies Live.

It's like Heath Sweating, but with ticket prices.

I wanted the real wedding to have ticket prices, but my grandma lowballed me.

We know she did, buddy.

She bragged.

She's a really good negotiator.

And now, back to headlines from the past, still already in progress.

And in O Canada news.

With each passing day in the American political hellscape, the siren song of our neighbor to the north grows ever stronger.

Free health care, the ability to stay in the country for six months with a U.S.

passport before having to apply for an extension, and a traditional music tradition where the songs all sound very very different from each other

and this week they added one more drop of sugar to the syrup pot when the bc court of appeals ruled that your cult does not have religious right to the private notes they kept about you while you were a member and and their legal system is run by a team of santa clauses there's just so many good reasons so good right so first off big thanks to patron mockingbird nation for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Mockingbird Nation gives us the only thing we love more than emails about atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Money.

But if you can't give us money, and even if you do, you can send us atheist news, and that is almost as good.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Yeah, free labor is pretty much the same, right?

Exactly.

Anyways, our ex-Jehovah's Witness listeners will probably already know what I'm talking about.

But for those of you who never had to lug copies of Enjoy Life Forever with Your Mom in the Burning Heat Heat and Long Sleeves, one of the ways that Jehovah's Witnesses keep control over their membership is with extended mutual

narcing.

It's narking.

This narcing can be done openly, things confessed in testimony, or just overheard gossip, and is often used for blackmail and harassment against members who step out of line or Jehovah forbid.

X members.

Yeah.

So really glad about this new law, but also if you're in a cult, well, stop, stop that.

But if you're stuck in there, and some people are stuck in there, I get it.

And they have like an activity at the cult called Secrets Time with Stevie Steno.

Like, don't tell real secrets.

Make shit up at that point.

Yes, right.

Make shit up and make shit up that makes your like your friends sound awesome.

Right.

Like I heard Eli took the Lord's name in vain while he was like saving a bunch of lingerie models from terrorists on his speed boat and they were behind him.

They're a speed boat.

Go through narrow.

Right.

So in this case, two ex-Jehovah's Witnesses used Canada's Personal Information Protection Act to request those records from the church.

The church refused on religious grounds, lost, and has now lost again on appeal because it turns out that in this case, they didn't have the sincerely held right to their ex-member's mom's cell phone number.

I love their court system so much.

They're super polite.

They let the religious cult come in, make an argument, and they're like, yeah, no, go ahead with your argument.

explain your sincerely held blackmail.

No, I'm just yawning with the gavel up high like this.

I'm just yawning.

Go ahead, whenever you're ready, go ahead.

Ah, so yeah.

So, yeah, this is obviously great news and will make the incredibly difficult decision to leave faith behind even easier, which is important, if only so that those people can send us atheist news or dare I say it, become patrons at patreon.com/slash scathing atheist.

Long live Canada and all that.

Next up in headlines in we ain't in no common era down here news, the children of Texas don't fancy CEBCE bullshit, or at least that's the opinion of Senate Bill 2617, which the Texas State Senate recently passed on a 22-9 vote.

The bill would bar the use of CEBCE in public school textbooks, despite the fact that those are the academic standard in pretty much all the fields of study, and forced schools to use the antiquated ADBC in both their textbooks and their verbal instruction.

So stupid.

Because those are the ones with the most Jesus in them.

Yeah, and they're not even getting it right about Jesus.

No.

Jesus was born around 5 BCE.

So AD is actually the year of our Lord getting better with gross motor skills and emotional regulation.

So stupid.

Honestly, if there was a book of the Bible about Jesus' hitting phase, I would love to hear it.

I would just know what it was like for the other kids.

So yeah, so just turning the other cheek after hitting himself.

So yeah, so to be clear about exactly how old fangled this shit is, the idea of replacing ADBC with something less explicitly Christian dates back to the mid-1800s when Jewish scholars were finally like, okay, all right, look, we will agree to use your years if we don't have to call them the ours is the right religion years, okay?

Now, of course, AD stands for Anno Domine, which means in the year of our Lord, which is a weird annotation to use for those whose Lord he isn't, right?

It's the calendrical equivalent of when Christian influencers give their name as Jesus is our Lord and Savior at Starbucks in hopes of forcing the barista into an involuntary religious declaration.

Yeah, but it's kind of fun at Starbucks when it's like, Jesus, our Lord and Savior, you had a

cinnamon dolce latte kids temp.

Jesus, cinnamon dolce kids temp.

Okay.

Christian influencers wish they had an understanding of the skull temperature of oat milk in order to have

this kid temperature.

They even have to have to taste.

So anyway, so

scholars who are like, how about we don't make saying whose God is the best God a prerequisite to using our calendar, looked around and they found the term C E and B C E, meaning common era and before common era, which had been in use in astronomy since the fucking 1600s.

And they said, well, how about that?

And then the Christians of the mid-1800s were like, well, sure, no one could be prudish enough to oppose that.

Anyway, fast forward to Texas public schools in the modern day.

Yeah, flash cut to the guy threatening Galileo with the pair of anguish.

Do you hear what those idiots in Texas are doing?

Anyways, I'm going to put this up your butt.

So.

And look, I think it's worth noting the way that they're framing this is that they're rescuing the religious-specific designations from a liberal attack on Christianity.

Right?

The bill sponsor, a Republican by the name of Brandon Creighton,

he did an interview with CBS, apparently fresh from sleeping in his fucking car.

He looks so bad.

He looks so bedraggled.

It's like he was, it's like somebody says, what does that word mean?

And he says, I'll show you.

So

he claimed, quote, by putting this into law, the Senate bill protects Texas's long-standing approach to teaching history clearly, consistently, without political distortion, end quote.

What?

As though, yeah, as though common era was the politically distorted version of since our religion became the correct one.

Okay, if you want to be consistent like Texas apparently has been, you got to use Latin for both.

So it's AD for

anti-domini and AD for

AD and AD pieces of shit.

Why do you hate the Holy Roman Empire?

Also, when I think about teaching history without political distortion, I got to admit, I do not think about Texas.

Oh, really?

Texas isn't the first in your mind?

Well, yeah.

So as much as I agree that this bigoted nonsense does protect Texas's long-standing approach to teaching, I still oppose it.

And for anybody tempted to see this as too petty to spend our capital on, I want to remind you that all of Trumpism was built upon shit that was too petty for us to spend our capital on.

Yeah.

Good platform.

And in getting red-pillowed news.

Oh, dude.

No country that would vote for Donald Trump deserves you.

It's true.

It's true.

Mike Lindell talked again.

It's fun.

So as usual, all of my alerts went off at the same time.

It's got a siren.

I do.

There's a big, there's a claxon.

I get faxes just for this.

I have a dedicated machine.

We got a large string of emails, of course, to scathingnews at gmail.com.

And I learned that Mikey Pillows continued failing just so very miserably in the multiple court cases against him and just at life in general.

Honestly, the fact that he hasn't died yet seems like a failure at this point, right?

Right.

So one of those court cases started up this week in Denver.

And during a press conference outside the courthouse, Lindell finally revealed the identity of the nefarious election stealer who controlled all the algorithms for counting the votes in 2020.

That would be Satan the Prince of Darkness.

Oh, should have seen that coming.

Just picturing Satan standing behind the camera.

Hey, this is all you, man.

I'm mostly just watching and retweeting.

Well, it makes more sense how Hugo Chavez got involved now, though.

Sure.

If you think about it, so you might be thinking that a supremely evil demigod warlock would be acting alone, but lots of regular people were also involved.

Oh, according to Lindell, quote, the people that did this to our country, I believe it's four: it's the Uniparty, the Deep State, Globalists, and the Chinese Communist Party.

End quote.

Those were the four people.

Oh, I see.

It was three racist dog whistles for Jews and the Chineses.

Okay, but I do like the idea that the CCP has a fun side project to ruin Mike Lindell's life, right?

Like it started as a team-building exercise and a retreat somewhere.

Yeah.

Support.

There you go.

And here's the part about the spirit realm, Lindell continued.

We're in a battle of biblical proportions.

Oh, shit.

Lock up your cattle.

Of evil and good.

This isn't a party thing.

And when you say, who's behind it all?

Satan.

There's one.

This is a nation that turned its back on God.

He also explained that control of the computer algorithms is much bigger than all of us, and added that whatever happens next is, quote, up to God.

I mean, if Mike wants to argue that whoever is coding the algorithms that dominate society isn't human, I'm ready to agree, but that's just because I've seen Mark Zuckerberg.

Sure.

But he's not bigger than all of us, though.

Or any of us, really, I don't think.

It's a small man.

He's a small man.

Okay.

So the trial in Denver is a defamation case against Lindell filed by Eric Coomer, a former executive at Dominion Voting Systems.

Lindell very clearly lied about Coomer and Dominion, but now there's a lawsuit about it with consequences.

So Lindell

continued lying and pretending computers are cheating.

According to Lindell, quote, we will not stop until we have paper ballots counted and we're going to melt down all the voting machines and turn them into prison bars.

Except the plastic parts.

Those will be the

sporks in the cafeteria.

We haven't allocated all the materials yet, but the metal.

It's going to melt them down.

What will we vote with then, though?

Okay.

And here's my favorite part.

On Sunday, Lindell did an appearance on Steve Bannon's War Room podcast, and it was just so sad and desperate and flaily.

The pillow company is obviously failing.

And mypillow.com actually has a dedicated page for a legal defense fund asking people to donate amounts ranging from $10

to $1,000 or other amounts.

Bennon was clearly feeling some pity about that.

So Bennon started the interview by saying, quote, Mike Lindell, your struggle session really starts on Monday, a federal trial.

Talk to me about it and sell me a pillow and a sheet so you can underwrite this.

End quote, like exact words.

Amazing.

So can we take a second to revel in the fact that somebody could say of the guy whose ongoing national humiliation has been a bomb to us for half of a decade now?

So, things are really going to get bad for you next week.

That is the punchline to a fucking joke if you know what this guy's been through over the last few years.

You made it out of the claw machine, but uh, here comes a federal trial, you dumb piece of shit.

Sell me a sheet.

I don't know.

Guys, guys, I didn't look at the website until Heath mentioned it just now.

The banner says, Please help now.

It says, please help now.

Act now.

Okay.

What do I have to do?

I'll do it.

I don't, it doesn't matter.

And then he has the same image like an inch below it with the same, please help now.

Call in the next 10 minutes or other amounts of minutes.

I don't fucking care.

I really need the money.

So from there, we got a long collection of, well, typically sentence fragments from Mike Lindell.

Let's see if we can patch them together for some kind of meeting.

Lindell starts talking about the trial and then he says, quote, and they attacked my pillows being sued.

Everybody.

By the way, Steve, this is the same lawyer that in the deposition called my pillows lumpy.

And

it's the best.

That's when Lindell grabs one of his pillows from below the frame with a pillowcase of the American flag on it.

And he holds it up to the camera and he says, I told my lawyers maybe i should bring him one inside my lawyer said mike let's not go there

okay he just stands up halfway through the trial tears streaming down his face pillow phone

no

somebody's still gonna hit him really hard yeah well sure sure And quick reminder, the dude never called his pillows lumpy, right?

So the lawyer referenced a phone number that my pillow maintained for for both customer complaints and people calling with evidence of election fraud.

And to differentiate those two types of calls, the lawyer said,

I'm not talking about the lumpy pillow calls, end quote.

And Lindell lost his shit so completely during that deposition that he still hasn't found it.

He's still pissed about that now.

No, that's just like a general case of what could be a complaint about a pillow.

Yes, that's like the only thing.

Yeah, right.

Oh, they're lump proof.

No point.

So maintain their soul.

He's ready to fight the guy on a beach at dawn over this shit.

Fantastic.

Bring you one as a gift.

He really wants to.

Here's hoping he does.

In fact, here's hoping Mike Lindell ignores his lawyer completely and comes to court with a my pillow and demands to have the lumpiness level adjudicated in court because he thinks that's something.

I don't know.

Looking forward to all my alerts going off again soon.

I'm picturing like the miracle on 34th Street, but they're just dumping pillows onto the judges'.

Right out of pillowcases.

Yeah, right, right.

And in more like orthodix news.

Fantastic.

Thank you.

We talked last week about the way that young men are leading the much Ballyhoo Gen Z revival by flocking to homophobic, misogynistic churches that tell them that the possession of a Caucasian penis is too good enough.

And because churches are A, moved by market forces and B, not tethered to any kind of objective reality, it was inevitable that there would be a spiritual arms race for these newly available souls in the form of manliest version of Christianity.

And we learned this week that the current leaders in that race for testicular theology are coming from Russian churches, which are signing up young American men in droves.

Guys, this information campaign was good, but how are we not using church for that?

Let's use church.

Yeah, exactly.

So first of all, huge thanks to Gretchen for being the first to send us this story at scathingnews at gmail.com.

Gretchen, as recompense for sending us this amazing story, at some point in the future, Eli will randomly pop into your life and offer you a potion or elixir that will get you out of whatever jam you find yourself in.

But it will only come when you least expect it, so don't expect it.

And the jam may be strawberry.

Under promise over deliver.

There you go.

So the story that Gretchen sent us was this piece the BBC did about the rise of the Russian Orthodox Church outside of Russia, or ROCOR.

And it mostly focuses on an American convert named Father Moses McPherson, a priest slash MRA dude bro YouTube misogynist who decries random things as being too feminine for manly men.

Things like wearing skinny jeans, shaping your eyebrows, crossing your legs, masturbating, or eating soup.

Okay, really lost me at the end there, man.

Yeah, he lost me at the beginning too, but yeah, mostly at the end.

He basically, he's one of those guys where when you see his shit, you go, surely this is parody, but it isn't because this is the bad place.

Hey, man, just because you had gay thoughts while you were eating soup doesn't make it gay.

You're just a self-hating gay guy.

You understand that.

That's right, who's eating soup.

He just had really fuckable guy soup.

It's possible.

There you go.

Are you having dick soup?

But anyway, so the Russian Orthodox Church apparently saw a bit of a boom in America during the lockdown because they mostly stayed open during the fucking lockdown.

And their message of rancid homophobia and rigid patriarchy really struck a chord with the kind of assholes that would go to churches that stayed open during the lockdown.

And the BBC reporter, by the way, didn't have to dig very far before she found some of these new members questioning the mainstream media's take on the invasion of Ukraine.

and blaming Putin's notoriety on misguided boomers still infected with Cold War hysteria.

Just a bunch of shirtless dude bros on horses clip-clopping into their new church.

The wokes are way too sexually confused.

That's why I'm here.

That's a problem.

I just love Russia discovered that bullshit slides downhill in 2015, and we've been declaring them super spy mind controllers ever since.

Right.

So, yeah, so as easy as it would be to dismiss a person who is quoted in the BBC article saying, quote, A lot of people ask me, Father Moses, how can I increase my manliness to absurd levels?

End quote.

I don't think a lot of people ask him that.

We ignore that kind of shit at our own peril.

Their message is virulently anti-LGBTQ and anti-woman, and it's ultimately under the thumb of Vladimir Putin's propaganda machine says Rokor is subservient to patriarch lapdog Kirill.

You know, the guy who dubbed the invasion of Ukraine a holy war and Putin a modern savior.

That fucking guy is calling the shots for a significant number of young American men.

Definitely not the kind of thing you want to dismiss.

Yeah, you got to scare him away with soup, everybody.

Yeah, well, just leave it in the can, is all.

Right, exactly.

Yeah.

And on that pre-recorded note, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Doomanji.

And when we'll come back, I'll have just enough time left in the episode to get a little mushy.

Obviously, this isn't a typical episode.

Our very own Heathy Enright is getting married on the day that we normally record.

I know what you're thinking.

Wednesday wedding?

It's a long story.

And Eli, of course, is the actual, the efficient at the wedding, and I

am just invited.

Just a guy who's there.

Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Anyway, so the end result is that we had to save up a bunch of headlines for you.

We didn't have time to do a typical C segment, like an interview or a Bible piece theater or whatever.

But I did want to at least subtly preserve the typical format of the show show by spending a few minutes at the end of the episode talking about my friends, Heath and Anne, and this knot that they're about to tie or just tie from your temporal perspective.

Now, I should state my bias up front.

I suffer from the affliction that a lot of happily married people do where they're perpetually trying to marry off all their single friends.

And look, I know deep down that marriage isn't the right answer for everyone and marriage isn't the thing that I want for my friends.

It's happiness that I want for them.

I just know what a bountiful well of happiness my marriage has been for me.

So it's kind of my go-to solution when my unmarried friends seem to be low on contentment.

Now, I want to be clear, I don't think marriage is a panacea or anything.

When my married friends are low on contentment, one of my go-to solutions is divorce.

But when it's done right, marriage is a thing of beauty.

It stands out from those other steps that we take towards our own happiness and how discreet it is.

Right?

It's like an ACBC moment in your own life that you would choose.

Most of the time, if we're moving towards contentment, we do it a little bit at a time.

You earn the knowledge you want, one page at a time.

You earn the health you want, one exercise at a time, the skill you want, one try at a time.

And yes, eventually there comes a point where you have that thing that you've been chasing after, but there's rarely a discrete moment that you can point to and say, hey, this is where the culmination of happiness that I'd worked so hard for and sought so long for was achieved.

Even rarer that those moments are ones that you can share with your friends and family.

But marriage is one of those moments, that paradoxical point of both arrival and departure, that liberating moment of bondage, that moment where you find yourself by giving yourself away, where you become whole by becoming a half.

Now, of course, that's not every marriage.

We've all been to weddings where there's sort of an implied asterisk around the till death to us part bit, but Anne and Heath adore each other.

They're one of those couples where all their friends knew they were going to be married before they did.

How I had known Ann for like 20 minutes before I was like, well, if he doesn't fuck this, he'd have to fuck it up pretty hard, actually, to not wind up married to this woman here.

But

they had to be married.

They get each other's jokes.

They have complimentary pet peeves.

They're both highbrow and lowbrow and all the other brows in between.

They're both fun to play board games with, even though you know that they're secretly keeping a win-loss record in their head about every goddamn game that you play with them.

And as I said on The Skepticrat, they're the kind of couple marriage is lucky to have.

But that leads us to an obvious question, right?

Because Christian homophobes assure us that marriage is a religious thing, damn it.

Now, of course, they try to claim everything good in the world, up to and including good in the world.

But I've had people genuinely ask me before, what is marriage to an atheist?

I've had atheists ask me that before.

And it makes sense, right?

Like we're not swearing before God to remain forever yoked.

We're not even swearing to remain forever yoked.

Neither Ann nor Heath would have opted for that no divorce version of marriage.

Republicans keep pushing for it had it been on the table.

Right?

They're swearing to have and to hold in sickness and in health unless you turn out to be a complete asshole about it.

So, you know, beyond the tax advantages, what does it even mean?

And granted, from the secular perspective, marriage isn't really that much when it's stripped of its pomp and circumstance, but that's because the pomp and circumstance is what marriage is.

Once you've stripped away all the religious bullshit,

all that's left is a really expensive celebration of how much two people love each other.

And in that sense, its separation from the religious root makes the commitment more powerful, not less.

Used to be you had to marry somebody just to get your junk junk wet with them.

Now, you know, you don't need a piece of paper to validate that kind of shit.

Now you're marrying somebody even though you're already having sex.

You're already going out together on Fridays.

You're already living together.

You're already doing all the things that married people do.

Now all the marriage is doing is shouting from the rooftops about how wonderful your love is.

I mean, consider what we're actually doing in a marriage ceremony and try to strip it clean of your familiarity with that ceremony.

Imagine that marriage didn't exist at all and Anne and Heath were the first people to think of it.

And they were just like, Hey, y'all, all of our friends and family, we're so in love that we want to throw a party where people come from all over the country and the world in this case.

And Ann's gonna wear the most beautiful gown that she's ever worn, and she's gonna keep it forever.

And everybody's gonna dress up, and we're all gonna eat like kings, and we're gonna proclaim to everybody how committed we are to one another's happiness.

Imagine that, and the question dissolves.

Happy zeroth anniversary, ann and heath take it for somebody who's 28 years into this shit they just get better from you

before we throw the bouquet tonight we want to congratulate the newlyweds one more time heath and we love you and we wish you the best in the world you both offer each other so much and it's nice to finally be able to move on to trying to marry off a different friend not thinking jeff blackwell

he's gonna be my next project anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 1022 minutes with more if you you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows hot friend got off on movies debuting at seven in eastern on tuesday and an even new episode of our half social citation data debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously this episode wouldn't letter if i neglected to thank heathen right for letting me share his special day i want to thank eli bosnick for the beautiful job he did officiating the wedding i'm recording this in advance but for all the shit i give eli i have no doubt that he's going to do an incredible job i want to congratulate lucinda illusions for another cigaretteless week again we're recording in advance but I have boundless confidence in her as well.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, but not by name, right?

Because like, obviously, we're recording this several days in advance, and I'll be flying to New York for the wedding.

But I promise to thank you by name next week, and I'm sure your genitals will have only gotten more impressive in the interim.

Incidentally, that's why I'm not thanking whoever it is that winds up having provided the Farnsworth quote as well.

I don't know who that is yet, but I'll also get you taken care of next week.

Anyway, this as yet undetermined number of people joined forces to keep electricity flow into these microphones every week.

And if you'd like to help empower us, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com/slash scathing atheists, whereby you own early access to an extended average version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but in a less high-voltage kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us.

And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeist.com.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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