629: John Musings Edition

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Warning, the following podcast contains nowhere near enough profanity.

You might want to add some of your own, honestly.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Green Chef and by the fact that we're not far enough into the fascist takeover to shut down opposing media voices yet.

And now, the scathing atheist.

Hi there, my name's John.

I'm not a scientist or an educator.

Apart from being a scathing atheist patron, I'm just an ordinary guy who's read a few cool books.

And many of those books actually demonstrate that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday.

It's March 20th.

And it's Atheist Pride Day.

Yeah, we would have done a parade, but bald heads too badly in the sun.

Hey, I only sound bald.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Hen Wright.

And from Zoe, Saltaneas, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Scathing East.

On this week's episode, Robert Morris leaps ahead of Philip in last-name-ass holery.

We learn from a secret Vatican document that the future is actually now.

And we'll finally get to the first book of the Bible named after a toilet.

But first, the diatribe.

You ever heard of Lysenkoism?

It was this pseudo-scientific alternative to Mendelian genetics that was all the rage in the USSR back in the 1950s.

And the idea behind it is it wasn't ridiculous,

but the justification for embracing it sure the hell was.

See, the basic idea of Lysenkoism is this rejection of genetics as a means of inheritance.

Instead, Lysenkoists believe that an organism could acquire traits within its lifetime and then pass those on to their offspring.

And that's wrong.

I mean, there's such a thing as horizontal gene transfer, and I guess epigenetics complicates that issue a bit, but in terms of the various ways that Soviet Russia was trying to implement it, it was just plain old garden variety incorrect.

But it did serve two ideological purposes.

One was that it was more fitting with the collectivism at the heart of Marxism, right?

The survival of the fittest concept at the heart of genetics, the idea that singular advantageous mutations drive evolution, well, that was too akin to the rugged individualism that undergirded capitalism.

The idea that a whole field of wheat could just evolve together in response to adverse environmental conditions, well, that was way more in keeping with the ideals of communism.

And so, despite all the evidence to the contrary and the international consensus, the USSR embraced Lysenkoism and made it the cornerstone of their agricultural policy for like over a decade.

Now, for his part, it doesn't appear that Stalin really bought into this.

He rejected Lysenko's premise that all science was inherently driven by class struggle.

And the way he kept Lysenko's pseudoscientific bullshit away from their nuclear program is a clear indication that he knew it was bullshit, or at least suspected as much.

But it served a second ideological purpose for him, and that was a propaganda win.

See, one of the first thing the communists did when they gained control was they collectivized farming, and that was a fucking disaster.

It turns out that making sweeping, rash, uninformed, nationwide changes to the way that people obtain food is a terrible idea, and it led to widespread famine.

Now, of course, if you know anything at all about Stalin, you know he wasn't universally anti-famine.

He was actually a big fan, depending on the circumstances.

So more than a way to end the famine, what he wanted was a way to convince the peasantry that he was in the process of ending the famine.

And what better way to do that than by lying about scientific breakthroughs, right, that only Russia had.

So the country went all in on this Lysenkoism bullshit and they oriented their whole fucking agricultural system around it.

Any scientist who pointed out that it was bullshit was imprisoned or executed, which are variations on a theme in Stalin's Russia anyway.

Over 3,000 scientists and academics were ultimately arrested or killed over this shit.

But that pales in comparison to the number of people who starved to death because Soviet farmers were trying to increase future yields on wheat plants by growing them in places too cold for them to thrive.

It's all a fascinating story that's actually a lot of fun to learn about when you're not living through it.

But here we are.

right, casting all the cautionary tales to the side and barreling forward in a world where Robert F.

Lysenko Jr.

is in charge of public health.

So here's the latest.

RFK Jr.

has now said in multiple interviews on Fox News that his preferred method of dealing with outbreaks of bird flu is to just

see what happens.

Seriously, he's literally advocating for the how bad could a novel zoonotic virus really be angle.

So right now, the way it works is that if a poultry farmer sees a bird that has symptoms of H5N1, the bird flu, they kill all the birds that they have that could have been exposed to it, and then the government compensates them for the loss.

Then they vigorously clean their farm, they demonstrate that the farm doesn't still have the virus floating around, they buy new birds.

That is the current policy.

But RFK Jr.

is advocating for a new policy in which farmers, quote, should consider maybe the possibility of letting it run through the flocks so we can identify the birds and preserve the birds that are immune to it, end quote.

Folks, that is an insane suggestion.

First of all, as I'm sure you've noticed, viruses mutate faster than chickens.

So even if we assume that the premise is right, that some percentage of farm chickens have a natural immunity to H5N1, which is nuts all by itself.

But even if we assume that that's true, all we'd be doing is identifying birds that have an immunity to that strain of H5N1 and assuming those chickens can propagate faster than the disease can mutate.

But it's dumber than that, right?

Because there's no reason to believe that we would find a naturally immune population.

There is so little genetic diversity among livestock chickens that we'd almost certainly just be dooming all the chickens to die the slow way.

And we would be radically increasing the amount of time it takes a poultry farmer to start farming again.

In the meantime, though, and here's the absolute dumbest part of the whole fucking plan, we'd also be giving the virus millions upon millions more chances to mutate into something that jumps species to us.

The most important thing we can do from from a purely self-interested position here is to contain the outbreaks and keep them as small as possible.

This is some gravity is real levels of scientific consensus shit here.

Following Kennedy's plan would not only be the cruelest possible thing to do to the poultry, but it would also radically increase the possibility that this turns into a human pandemic.

And we all know how good this team is at dealing with that shit, even when they had fucking Anthony Fauci running the show.

But of course, the scientific consensus means absolutely nothing to RFK Jr.

Why, he already knows more than science does about vaccines and fluoride and proper whale chainsawing technique.

So why the fuck would he listen to him about bird flu?

And of course, egg prices are no famine, but any chance that he has to say that Biden's administration's approach was wrong is a rhetorical victory for Trump as far as Trump is concerned.

So there's every reason to believe that our Stalin will follow suit.

History is littered with cautionary tales like the stories where fact is replaced by ideology and scientific knowledge is dictated rather than discovered.

And all of those stories end the same.

They're talking about your Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the jump and punch to my kick, Heath Edright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to save the day?

Okay, but for the record, you should never kick when the double dragon I'm thinking of is involved.

Okay, everybody, Eli calls it Tiamat.

It's very upsetting at least he's down from five to two now i guess something fire and ice

that took a turn i wasn't ready for i should have been ready for though but we are going to pause anyway for a word from this week's sponsor green chef it's a dildo i meant a dildo no you didn't

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Sorry, sorry.

It looks like I'm not going to need whatever this stuff is, Eli, after all.

Shh, it can hear you.

It can't?

I'm honestly not sure.

It's a lot of science.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, evangelical mega church pastor, spiritual advisor to Donald Trump, and man who campaigns alongside Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton about the dangers that trans people and drag queens pose to children, Robert Morris.

I bet you can just guess how this sentence ends, right?

Like, look, you've probably heard the story.

But it wouldn't fucking matter if

you're listening to this in the archives, if you just unplugged and you were out camping for a week, if you're just waking up from a fucking coma and this is playing on the phone beside you on Mars, you already know exactly how that sentence ends.

It ends with the evangelical pastor who screams groomer at trans women being indicted for child rape.

Yeah, honestly, one of these days, one of these religious guys is going to turn out not to be a child rapist, and we're going to be straight up boondoggled everybody.

We have a formula.

Boondoggles a noun and generally unrelated to pedophiles, but it kind of looks as a portmanteau if you switch it a little bit like a useless thing with the appearance of value, like a pastor, gives you a baffling, pleasant surprise.

Like your mind is boggled by a boondoggle.

You got boondoggled.

That's something there.

That's a nice word of the day.

Now, okay, so I don't want to go into the details here, though.

To be clear, the details are out there.

The victim is willing to tell her story in far more graphic detail than I am.

But suffice to say that back in the 80s, Robert Morris, who would later go on to found the Gateway megachurch in Dallas, sexually assaulted a child repeatedly over a four-year period.

And while he's yet to be convicted, he's admitted to it to the degree that I don't actually think journalistic standards demand the use of any allegedlies here, right?

Certainly not ours.

Yeah, well, yeah.

So he called her a young lady when he meant a child, and he grossly downplayed both the severity and frequency of his assaults.

But he's admitted that, like, he temporarily had to leave the ministry over inappropriate behavior towards said child.

Oh, hey, hey, dads who tote machine guns to the library when you hear about a gay gay book being read.

Good news.

Yeah.

I found one and he's behind your fucking pulpit.

Yo.

Grab a fucking Churchill biography or the only things you read, whatever it is.

Load up that radio flyer again.

You got me on Target.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So now, because of his cagey bullshit, it's kind of hard to say when this story like came to light.

He's apparently been talking about past indiscretions that forced him for the ministry for decades, but he always couched it in language that would lead an average person to think he meant that he cheated on his spouse with like a consenting adult at some point, right?

But even when her age came to light, it did so gradually with his lying about what did and didn't happen and his fucking lawyers actually trying to blame his pre-teen victim because she was, in their words, flirting with him.

But like long before there were any criminal charges, Morris had stepped down from Gateway and the Christian Post had already run an interview trying to rehabilitate his image.

Why would my client have been sent so many SpongeBob means if his so-called victim's intentions weren't clear?

Am I right?

Yeah, right.

I'm a lawyer.

Except the 80s, yeah.

But ultimately, there were charges filed against him late last week.

Morris was indicted on five counts of lewd and indecent acts to a child, each one of which carries a potential 20-year prison sentence.

Now, predictably, Morris's people are hiding behind the why you bringing up old shit defense, pointing out that the crime is over 35 years old, which

has to be based by now, right?

Come on, these victims almost 40.

Yeah, right.

But for his part, Oklahoma Attorney General and man whose name Russell's cattle on the side, Gentner Drummond, points out that because the crime was committed in Oklahoma and Morris was never a resident of that state, the statute of limitations does not apply to him here, which is fucking news to me, but it's good news.

So I guess I'll take it.

It remains to be seen if he's actually going to get punished for this, but the fact that they're even trying puts this one well ahead of a lot of similar stories we've covered before.

Yeah.

Check mark for state xenophobia, I guess.

Sure.

And in Popoff King news.

Phenomenal.

We have a rare piece of good news about Peter Popoff and religious lying.

Of course, it comes from outside the U.S., but it's good news.

So I want to talk about it.

Ofcom, the UK version of the Federal Communications Commission, levied a fine of £150,000 on a large religious TV network for airing very obvious fraud.

And that fraud, of course, came in the form of Peter Popoff selling miracle spring water that allegedly cures very serious diseases.

No, it doesn't.

It maybe cures dehydration if we assume the hydrogen and oxygen in the water wasn't a lie.

Yeah, right, right.

And all right, look, credit to Ofcom and all, but it's interesting to reflect on how much harder this would be for them to prosecute if he didn't sell the water, right?

Like if he gave them nothing, if he just like promised to pray over the water they already had for a fee, it'd be much tougher, I would think.

Yeah, but oh, but then he'd be honing in on homeopathy's turf, and those guys are pretty serious.

You want to know that's true, yeah, yeah.

So, the fine from Ofcom was levied on the Word Network for airing episodes of Peter Popoff's show that claimed buying his miracle water would do things like make you rich and cure cancer.

In one of the episodes, Popoff said,

Sickness is going to disappear.

Supernatural miracle money is going to come to you from unexpected sources.

Get ready.

Yeah, just be careful not to expect the sources because that fucks it up.

It does.

And that lying was followed by, quote, testimonials from people who experienced the miracles, liars.

It came from liars.

One guy said he used the water and immediately got $64,000

somehow.

And it's clearly just an old person reference to the $64,000 question in that live.

100%, yeah.

The testimonials also included people who said they got cured of their addictions and diabetes and stage four lung cancer.

The person who got cured of lung cancer was allegedly now playing bingo, dancing, and running up and down.

Huh.

Those are not typically the running directions.

Yeah, right?

Left, right, forward, backwards.

Like that's

how joyful he was.

Ofcom's job in the the UK is to protect people from, quote, harmful and or offensive material.

The Pop-Off show was clearly both, but harmful at a minimum, hence the fine.

The Word Network disputed the fine at first, using two insane arguments.

One, other networks were airing porn, and those networks never got fined for being offensive.

And argument two, Ofcom was all of a sudden raising an issue with Peter Pop-off, even though Popoff was running the scam for decades.

That was their actual second argument.

How dare they operate within the constraints of a three-dimensional existence?

Next episode, Popoff is shoving the bottles up his ass.

Okay, so now it's okay.

I wasn't really listening to what the lawyer was talking.

Well, in response, Ofcom explained, go fuck yourself.

And I'm assuming they happily paid their own fine for saying that.

And considering the broadcast did not include a disclaimer about how there's no such thing as miracle water, the word network got the fine.

They were told to stop airing the episodes, and they have to air an official statement acknowledging that Peter Popoff is, in fact, a fraud.

Hopefully that statement also admits that Popoff's so-called Miracle Water was getting purchased in bulk from Costco.

It was.

Because we definitely know that too.

Thanks to an amazing former employee who narced on Peter Popoff.

All right.

Well, Eli needs to go to Costco, and we need to stop him.

So we're going to pause for a quick wrestle while we hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

I knew Kirkland wasn't for Kirk Cameron.

God damn it.

A man wrote the Bible.

A horse was smart.

If it's a legitimate race.

Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of my man.

This weekend, Mississauga.

For a lot of people, there's this presumption of limitations that they apply to people in the anti-abortion camp that those people have never earned.

I guess that comes from familiarity with them or maybe from having been one where people always seem to assume that they'll stop short of their rhetoric.

They say abortion is murder and I say, hey folks, they're going to try to arrest people who have abortions for murder.

And people are like, come on, they won't go that far.

But why wouldn't they go that far?

Are anti-abortion activists known for their self-restraint?

Is that a thing?

Because they've crossed over a lot of lines in the sand over the last 10 years.

Remember when they'd stopped short of overturning Roe?

Remember when they'd stopped short of shutting down every clinic in a state?

Remember when they'd always carve out exceptions for rape and incest?

And it looks this week like we can add another line to that ever-growing list.

We learned this week that Texas authorities arrested a midwife for providing illegal abortion in the Houston area.

And honestly, I should have guessed that the first person they arrested for this shit would be A, a woman, and B, Hispanic.

Her name is Maria Margarita Rojas, and she's been charged with operating an illegal network of abortion clinics serving the criminally underserved state, which in addition to making her a fucking hero, carries with it the possibility of up to 20 years in prison and fines to the tune of 100 grand per violation.

Now, Texas Attorney General and guy who definitely puts creepy extra syllables in the word naughty, Ken Paxton was quick to emphasize that Texas laws punishes providers of abortion, not their patients.

But of course, the simple lack of access to abortion services is plenty of punishment for people who don't have the money to go out of state.

But I don't want to leave you with only sad news.

So I've brought along one more story this week, and it's a fucking delight.

This one is about an upcoming Christian nationalist conference in Texas called Christ is King, How to Defeat Trash World.

That's April 3rd to the 5th if you're looking for tickets.

Anyway, the conference organizers thought they'd start the weekend off with a singles event.

And while they've had no trouble finding men to sign up for said singles event, they're not having as much luck with the ladies.

Even after dropping the price for women to please just take a ticket, I'm begging you.

So yeah, conference organizer Joel Webbin, who once hosted a live stream titled Women Must Be Removed from All Public Service, can't imagine why women aren't signing up for the singles event at a conference that includes a talk called Destroying Gynecracy and Burning Down the Longhouse.

But damn it if they're not still trying.

And hey guys, on the off chance you can't find enough women to fill out the chairs, you could always go fuck fuck yourselves.

And on that note, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda.

And in SBC, we were totally innocent news.

As the Department of Justice reaches the end of its damning investigation into the Southern Baptist Church's leadership's decades-long cover-up of sexual abuse, I have found myself.

like Wayland Jennings, wondering just how they were going to get themselves out of this mess.

Even in their own mind.

Bugget of syrup.

Yeah, the bucket of syrup is supposed to be just a metaphor.

This is not.

Oh, God.

This is not great.

Well, if you guess lie and say the exact opposite of what happened, you win because this week, our close personal friends over at the Christian Post released an article apostrophistically named DOJ ends investigation of SBC.

No sex abuse related charges filed.

Okay, there's a semicolon in there, not an apostrophe.

Semi-colonically sounds even worse, I guess.

Especially after the bucket of syrup.

Yeah, right.

No, it's but it is weird that they have to specify which kinds of charges weren't filed.

Turns out there's a reason.

Right.

So for those of you who haven't been following along with this story since its inception in 2022, the Department of Justice announced this investigation, at which point the SPC immediately hired an outside firm to conduct the investigation on their behalf.

Now, we were pretty concerned about that at the time because firms that conduct sexual abuse investigations don't stay in business very long if they aren't, at least in part, in the business of covering up that abuse.

Yeah, it's like Enron and their accountants, but so much worse.

If Enron was a lying and fucking kids firm, it would be like

that.

But even those concerns aside, the report that was released was damning, reading in part, quote, for almost two decades, survivors survivors of abuse and other concerned Southern Baptists have been contacting the SBC executive committee to report child molesters and other abusers who were in the pulpit or employed as church staff.

They made phone calls, mailed letters, sent emails, appeared at SBC and EC meetings, held rallies, and contacted the press, only to be met time and time again with resistance, stonewalling, and even outright hostility from some within the executive committee.

End quote.

Okay, but nobody filed any charges.

Ha, we were innocent.

Ha.

Okay, but the best part of their attempted apologetics is that it's fucking wrong.

That headline makes it seem like there were

never, yep, never any sex abuse related charges filed, but there were.

Fuck.

Walked right into that.

I got to stop yelling stuff from the background early.

God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, that'll get you every time.

So the last sentence in the Christian Post article I just mentioned admits that former SBC president Johnny Hunt, who surprisingly they failed to mention was a former SBC president, pled guilty to sexually assaulting another pastor's wife and was sentenced to six months of home confinement as a result.

Yes, right.

Well, and the fucking the DOJ investigation filed charges to somebody for lying to them about the investigation.

It just wasn't sex abuse related.

So to be clear, the Department of Justice investigates federal crimes.

And in almost all cases, sexual abuse is not a federal crime.

It's also worth pointing out that mishandling sexual abuse allegations and mistreating survivors are disturbingly legal, right?

Which is what the SBC was accused of fucking doing.

Yep.

And by the way, and found to have been doing

by their own investigators.

Yes.

So, yeah, it's obvious they need a little help in the headline section over at the Christian Post.

So folks at the CP, this one's for free.

Quote, organization that mainly exported child rape and bigotry for the last hundred years, not entirely guilty of all possible crimes, end quote.

Next one's going to cost you.

That's good, though.

You're welcome.

And finally tonight in Pope Off King News.

Nice.

Well done.

We have a story about the Pope.

a very important prophetic document at the Vatican and the end of days.

With Pope Frankie at 88 years old and being hospitalized recently, there's been a renewed interest among serious Catholics about a document in the Vatican Library called The Prophecy of the Popes.

And according to people who believe Catholic stuff, it's a magical answer key written by Saint Malachi in 1139 with a big list of all the upcoming popes.

And most importantly, it seems to suggest that Francis is going to be the final pope.

And we're getting Judgment Day in 2027.

Oh, wow.

Given his current condition, I feel like the papacy's farewell tour is going to suck.

Still better than Tool, though.

So, you know.

Oh, you're going to get in trouble.

And a big thanks to Terry.

I know what they did.

For sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

This thing, it's amazing.

I just learned about it, and it might be my favorite religious lying thing.

It's so stupid.

Terry gets the option to take Eli's punch card from Subway anytime they meet in person.

Oh, well, hey, Terry, never voluntarily take anything that Eli offers you.

Just word of the wise.

Also, it's an app now, Heath, and I'll have you know that I'm banned for posting the 9-11 truth that Subway wasn't ready to hear.

So here's the full story.

from the people who believe it's a real prophecy.

Saint Malachi, back when he was just Malachi, got summoned to meet Pope Innocent II in 1139.

And then Malachy experienced a vision.

It was all the future popes.

So he wrote them down, but

not with names.

That'd be too easy.

Instead, he wrote

a list of cryptic phrases in Latin that totally contains the same information, but more fun, you know, like a riddle.

And the document got placed in the Vatican secret archives.

Then, in 1590, a Benedictine monk named Arnold Wyon found it.

Way on.

Right before a papal conclave was about to pick the new guy.

Wayon never published it,

but he probably showed it to some cardinals and explained how the cryptic prophecy was clearly saying that his buddy, Girolamo, was meant to be the next pope.

That actually didn't work out, and a different guy got chosen and took the papal name Gregory XIV.

Then in 1595, Arnold Wayon published the document.

And you could tell it's real prophecy because all the cryptic phrases align with all the popes.

Well, all the popes until exactly 1590.

But also, also, the cryptic phrases align with everyone after 1590 as well.

If you really think about it and squeeze it.

Yeah, prephecy is an underappreciated art form.

It's a way better hit rate.

Also, by think about it, Heath means don't think about it.

No, just a little confusion.

Okay, so let's think about it.

I'll start with some clear winners, all from before the document was published.

The cryptic phrase that lines up with Pope Urban V, for example, taken over in 1362, was French Viscount.

Urban was indeed French, and he was the apostolic nuncio to the viscounts of Milan.

So nailed it.

For Pope Marcellus II, the entry was trifling grain.

And the coat of arms for Marcellus has a stag with some grain on it.

And it was trifling because he only reigned as pope for a short time.

So again, nailed it, checks out.

And for Pope Gregory XIII, the prophecy riddle says, half body of the balls,

which was interesting to me.

His coat of arms clearly has half a dragon.

Also, Gregory was made a cardinal by Pope Pius IV, whose coat of arms has balls.

It's just six balls on a shield for that guy.

So yeah, those are some of the big winners that were definitely known at the time of publishing.

It's weird that God would give Malachi the medieval equivalent of, I'm getting an M or an N, though, right?

Also, unrelated, but question, is a family crest that's just six balls the result of a discount before or after the guy finishes painting your family crest?

It was jugglers.

It was jugglers.

So after the time of publishing, jugglers can't do six.

Yes, they can't.

Three in one hand and three in the other.

There you go.

Stupid.

The biggest problem with American jugglers is that they skip six, damn it.

Russians don't skip six.

They don't go straight from five to seven.

All right.

So after the time of publishing in 1595.

Podcast listener, you can't hear it.

We muted his mic.

Noah's still talking about it.

She was American.

He might not chime in for the rest of the podcast, just so you know, it sounds like his voice is giving out any second.

All right, so after the time of publishing in 1595, it appears that Saint Malachi in 1139 decided to ramp up the difficulty level on the riddles, starting with that second part of the list.

But that didn't stop Catholic scholars.

They are really good at riddles.

For example, the entry for Urban VIII says Lily and rose, and he does not have those on the coat of arms.

However, proponents of the prophecy explain that his coat of arms does have bees,

which often interact with flowers.

Well, they do.

Rose are flowers.

And also, he had dealings with France, of course, the lily of countries, and England, the rose.

of countries.

Yeah, no, not many popes deal with two of the three largest kingdoms in Europe at the time of their reign yeah no that's a good point

okay another thinky one is the entry for benedict xev that said country animal again nothing like that on the coat of arms but plenty of catholic scholars agree that benedict 14th had plotting ox level diligence oh and country animal technically He was an animal from a country.

He was.

They didn't even think of that.

Hey, B-Dog.

First of all, congrats on the popedom.

Would you be willing to fuck a sheep?

It's her secret

list.

Nope.

Okay.

Heard.

Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt.

Are you ever doing a thing?

Nope.

You're saying no.

Okay.

I won't bring it up again.

I will not bring it up again.

Sorry, did you say something as I was walking out?

It's a sin sheep.

If that matters, sheep.

As I was walking out, I thought you said maybe.

You did not say bah.

You did not.

Okay.

Maybe.

So, all that being said,

here's the key about judgment Day.

In the final passage of the prophetic document, after that big list, it says, in the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church, there will reign Peter the Roman, who will feed his flock amid many tribulations, after which the seven-hilled city will be destroyed, and the dreadful judge will judge the people the end.

It says the end at the end.

So that means that Rome, the seven-hilled city, is going to be destroyed.

And I guess Jesus Christ is going to return to the earth for judgment day and bring about the end times.

And all it takes is a little basic math to figure out when that's going to happen.

In the entry that allegedly corresponds to Pope Sixtus V,

it says, Axel in the midst of a sign.

And clearly, that means it's...

the exact middle of the list.

So given that Pope Sixtus V started his reign in 1585, which is 442 years after the first entry on the list from 1143, that means you just add 442 years, and therefore Judgment Day is going to happen in 2027.

And a shocking number of Catholic scholars are pretty sure that's real.

Any number of scholars being Catholic is shocking.

Yeah.

So normally I'd be pretty skeptical, but I don't know.

Considering how 2025 is looking, I think they might have nailed it.

They might be late.

We'll see how it goes.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, maybe Earth is almost over is what counts for a silver lining these days.

So we're going to close on an up note.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Chumaji.

And when we come back, we'll let Don talk again.

Hey, podcast listener.

I'm Eli Bosak.

I'm No Illusions.

And I'm Heath Henright.

And we're pleased to announce that we've got a live show coming up in Portland, Oregon on May 24th that you can still get tickets to at godawfulmovieslive.com.

We think.

Yes.

Once again, by the time we got around to telling you about the live show, it was almost sold out.

So don't wait.

Jump on godawfulmovieslive.com to get your tickets, assuming you still can.

And hey, if you can't, um, time machine.

Yes, time machine.

Get a time machine.

Godawfulmovieslive.com.

So you won't need a time machine.

Still, way too many lands.

85 lands?

Yeah.

You need to go down in bigger increments, man.

Bigger increments, yeah.

Hey, guys.

You ready for Bible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

I sure am.

Don, when did you get here?

Oh, Eli told me he and Heath were playing Magic the Gathering, and I've got a standing engagement.

And then he made you play against his all all lands deck.

It's not all lands.

It's 15% not lands at this point.

Anyways, where were we?

The Gospel of John.

Nice.

John the Baptist finally getting a hand on the ball.

No, other John.

What?

Other John?

John the son of Zeebede.

Right.

Damn it.

Why couldn't he be like Zeebedee Jr.

or something?

I mean, look, John the Baptist was an important enough figure that John the Evangelizer and John the Baptist sharing a name was probably helpful for spreading this book around.

But yeah,

it's different guys.

Okay.

Tell me this book at least isn't the same as the others.

Nope.

Nope.

John actually has a whole bunch of different stuff because John, like Luke, is bringing a whole new proposal to the table here.

Ooh, outfit stuff?

No.

No.

If anything, John doubles down on foot stuff.

No, John's all about the word.

The word?

Yeah.

So like Mark, Matthew, and Luke are all very clear that Jesus is the Messiah, right?

Mark and Matthew make clear that he's the Jewish.

Messiah Luke is more interested in him being like the Messiah for everybody.

But the Messiah is still lower than God.

But John is here to tell us that Jesus is God and that his words are the word, right?

Like in the same way that the word is the word in Genesis.

Oh,

got it.

So how does he do that?

Well, it starts with a chapter explicitly aimed at you.

Ooh, and me?

Yeah.

Yeah, the whole first chapter is about how John the Baptist is not the Christ.

He was set to witness the Christ.

See, even the Bible knows the story is confusing, Heath.

Yeah.

Congrats on your Bronze Age understanding of the Bible.

It's relatable.

Anyway, it clarifies again that John also wasn't Elijah, tells the story of John the Baptist meeting Jesus, the gathering of the disciples, and then it's time for the first new story of John, the wedding at Cana.

Oh, this is a really lovely wedding.

Oh, yeah, mom.

It's great.

Whatever.

Did you notice that they're out of wine?

Yeah, seems like they really skimped on a lot of stuff.

Did you see her go?

No, no,

I am saying that you could maybe,

you know.

Mom, I told you it is not my time.

Fine.

Fine.

God.

I just thought it might be nice to do something for someone else, but what do I know?

Mom, seriously, don't.

Excuse me, excuse me, everybody, if the servants could just follow whatever my son tells them to do.

Mother!

Whatever he says.

Fine, fine.

Put water in the wine jugs.

Hey, change it to wine.

You're welcome, everybody, there.

Are you happy now?

No.

What?

Why?

I'm a Jewish mother.

It's really good.

Yeah, of course it's good.

I'm God.

Okay, a little water to wine, not bad.

What's next?

Well, now it's time to give birth to the term born again.

Excuse me, Jesus?

Yes.

I am Nicodemus, and I came to seek your counsel.

I hear you do miracles.

And I'm thinking you couldn't do miracles unless you were a man of God, right?

Okay, that's not even true, even in our book, okay?

It's not?

No, bad guys do magic all the time.

Whatever.

Okay, fine.

What you got for me?

Okay, if you want to see the kingdom of heaven, you must be born again.

Like, like, through my mom's Vajuch, because I am way bigger now.

Okay, no, no, this is a metaphor.

Oh, okay.

Um, hey, could you just like not do metaphors, maybe?

No, I'm doing metaphors.

And if you don't get the metaphor, you go to hell.

Okay, see, that's why it feels like the worst time to do metaphors.

Okay, because, because,

for God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but should have everlasting life.

Wow, that's awesome.

I just want to hold that up in a wrestling match.

Hey, why do people hold that sign up at wrestling matches?

Because they're Christian.

No, no, I know they're Christian, but like, is the point of the sign to proselytize?

Yeah, man.

Oh,

I guess it just never occurred to me before.

yeah hold on why do you think they held up the sign what did i what were you thinking i don't want to say now okay well now you got to tell us no you guys are okay okay fine i'll tell you but you guys can't laugh at me i think that's absolutely

okay

i think

upon consideration i thought that maybe john 3 16 was one of the wrestlers catchphrases

which one goldberg nope definitely not him you said that's the one that it couldn't be.

Definitely not.

It doesn't matter.

Whatever, whatever.

What's next in the Bible, please?

Okay.

Well, that would be the Samaritan woman at the well.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Samaritan woman.

May I have some of your water?

I know you Jews.

Don't talk to us Samaritans.

If you knew who asked you for water, you would ask for the water of life.

Oh!

Is that is that that fancy stuff?

What comes in coconuts?

Okay, no, no, no, look.

Like in the bodega?

No, it's not.

It's got a coconut right on the bottle.

Look, I understand, okay?

Listen, well water, when you drink it, you will again be thirsty.

But when you drink the water of life, you will never be thirsty again.

Oh,

that sounds awesome.

More room for English.

You mean like the beer?

Didn't you mean old English?

No, no, in these times we just call it the English.

Hey, fuck you.

It was a compliment.

Why do you even have drums anyway?

Right from home.

Anyway, give me some of that water.

Usually malt liquor, not beer.

Anyway, give me some of that life or wife water or whatever it's called.

Go get your husband.

I don't got no husband.

No, you've had five husbands, and the man you live with now is not your husband.

Don't you judge me?

I'm a fucking pregnant.

Okay, I wasn't judging you.

I was using my god powers.

Also, you're not pregnant.

You don't know!

What?

what card am i thinking of uh nine of diamonds trick question it was a master card you do birthday parties

no i'm the messiah what's a what's a messiah i'm here to teach you all the things hey everyone come check out josiah he told me which card i was thinking of nice you do birthday parties You betcha ass he does.

Maybe maybe you come come do the birthday when the kid's born.

You're not pregnant.

I'm fucking pregnant!

Okay, what's next?

Well, this one is pretty well known.

The lady accused of adultery.

Oh, yeah, I know this story.

Nice.

Jesus, Jesus, this woman is accused of adultery.

I didn't do a fucking thing.

Wait, are you the Samaritan from the last scene?

No.

Oh,

you sound the same.

I'm not getting on a Skype call for one scene, okay?

Okay, okay, yes, that's fair.

Anyways, the laws of Moses say we should stone her to death, so what should we do?

Okay, I shall show you.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

We're gonna be like,

there's none of us?

Okay, then be gone.

Now tell me, lady, where is your accuser?

Okay, so I'm shitting in the yardle of a men's room in a TGI Fridays, right?

Okay, you can just say he's not here.

Oh, I mean, he's not here.

Okay, great.

You're free to go then.

Perfect time in the baseball rec league just hit the showers.

What?

I said thank you.

You're gonna go get pregnant, aren't you?

But yes, I am.

Scooping up loads like an excavator in here.

Oh, that's mildly horrifying.

Beep, beep, beep.

Hey, Jesus, you hear me?

That's my Vajuch scooping it up.

Beep, beep.

Okay, that's worse, And I heard you.

Let's see.

Healing at the pool of Bethesda.

Ooh, what's that?

Oh, it's Heath's middle name.

Nope, I don't have a middle name.

Ooh, doesn't have a middle name.

It's a pseudonym.

What is?

Heath Enray.

No, he's doing the K again.

He did it.

Just now.

I didn't know he did.

Oh, my God.

He did.

I can see it in the script.

It's in the script.

He did.

But these lines are also in the script.

Okay, thank you for the meta break.

Next up is Lazarus.

Dear Jesus, it's me, Mary, but not your mom, the other one who wiped your feet with my hair.

Really wish there were more than four names.

Anyway, my brother is really sick and looks like he's gonna die.

Thought you might like to know and maybe use your God powers about it.

Mary.

Not your mom.

Dear Mary,

I do remember the hair thing.

Thank you.

Don't worry.

Your brother isn't going to die.

This is all just to make me look better.

Be there in its smidge,

Jesus.

Jesus, what's this we hear about you going to Bethany?

Yeah, last time you went there, they tried to stone you to death.

Yeah.

Okay, I know that, but Lazarus is sleeping, and I have to go wake him up.

Okay, but if he's just sleeping, can't somebody else wake him up?

Okay, no, I mean he's dead, okay?

Oh, well, why didn't you say that?

Well, I was trying to make it fun, a little levity people do.

But it feels like the things you say are so important that they shouldn't be left up to interpretation.

Whatever.

Okay, you're all coming with me because when you see me raise this guy from the dead, you're all gonna believe.

We already believe in you.

We are literally your apostles.

Okay, well, now you believe extra, so come on.

Jesus, you made it.

Hello, Mary.

Thank you so much for coming, but I'm afraid he's dead.

Oh.

I'm

so sorry to hear that.

Are you...

Are you mugging right now?

It feels like you're mugging.

No, no.

Think you are.

No.

I'm

super sad that your brother died.

Let me ask you this.

Do you believe that I'm God and the Messiah?

Yes, yes, of course.

Who are you talking to, though?

Uh, okay, then.

Bring me to your sister, Martha.

Okay, okay.

Uh, Martha?

Oh, hi, Jesus.

Thanks for coming, but um, sorry, it's too late.

He's he's already dead.

Oh,

I heard.

Let's go to the grave, though, huh?

Who knows what might happen?

Who are you talking to?

Nobody.

Feels like he's doing a weird bit or something.

Thank you.

It's a bit, right?

It feels like a bit.

Definitely something.

Okay.

Here we are at the grave.

Someone

roll back the stone.

Uh, Jesus, um, I think we better not.

Yeah, it's been four days and we do not have embalming fluid or anything.

Well, actually, I sorry, I just want to point out that embalming fluid was already a robust part of burial, at least in ancient Egypt.

Okay, thank you.

No illusions,

who lives down the street in this time.

You mind?

I'm going.

Going now,

roll back the rock.

Dad,

thanks for always being there for me.

Just want to remind me that this is kind of an important moment.

So if you could come through, that would be great.

Lazarus, come on out.

Here he is, guys.

Oh my god.

Yes, he's got the shroud in his mouth.

Can someone please get it?

Yeah, I got it.

I got it.

Not so hard.

You're pulling too much.

It's tied in the back, I think.

Okay.

Okay.

I think I got it.

Yep.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Feels like we kind of killed the momentum with the whole shroud thing, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe they won't keep it in the Bible.

bible oh god i hope not maybe

let's see last supper oh is that different i kind of he does foot washing instead of the eucharist jesus christ bigfoot guy oh yeah definitely the farewell discourses basically the same speech but this is where uh this is where we get the way the truth and the light thing oh sure Oh, this one is new.

The post-resurrection appearance to Thomas.

Dude, I still can't believe Jesus appeared to us.

I know.

In a locked room of all things, which for some reason seems really important for us to point out.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Oh, hey.

Hey, Thomas, you missed it.

Jesus was just here.

Whoa, not cool, man.

Way too soon.

No,

he was here.

He was here in this room, I'm telling you.

Oh, come on.

Did a whole thing.

Sermon and everything.

I do not believe you guys.

Why would we lie to you about that?

I don't know.

Why are you lying to me about that?

Okay, look, Thomas, it was kind of a miracle, so I don't know what proof you want that the resurrected Christ appeared to us.

I'll tell you what I want.

I want to stick my fingers in his hand holes and what?

And in his side.

How would that prove that he appeared to us?

It just would, okay?

It would to me.

And he hasn't said anything about it for a week?

No, just fucking huffing around, glaring at everybody, mumbling about a prank.

Yikes.

Yeah, vibes are bad.

Oh shit, here he is.

Hey, Thomas.

Hi.

Wow, all week?

Eight days now.

My disciples, I have returned.

Jesus, you really did come back.

Yes, Thomas, you doubted, but lo,

place your hand in my wound.

Oh,

um.

I'm good.

No, no.

You wanted a second goddamn resurrection, so get your whole hand in there, Rickyo.

I just, it seemed like the guys were pranking.

We told you we weren't.

Oh, well, go on.

Come on, do it.

Okay.

Um, oh, oh, okay.

All right, I believe you now.

I believe you.

Thank you.

Great.

Now, if in the future people could not ask for proof every damn time, that would be excellent.

Yep.

Sorry, again.

so sorry about that goodbye

hey guys I'm sorry I was kind of bitchy about the whole resurrection thing this last week yeah you were man

do you

do you have a towel no

and that's John or I at least that's all the new parts nice It is still too bad that John the Baptist didn't get a hand on the ball, though, right?

Yeah, I feel like we'd get a lot of clarity if it actually was written by John the Baptist.

Oh, maybe even if he did a musical number?

Ooh, and not just a musical number, but one that does that thing that Mozart did, where like all the parts come together and make one big super song

and it fucking serves.

Uh-huh.

I mean, that would obviously be great, but how could we do that?

Hit it, Anna.

Jesus loves the children.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Mary Sue, that whosoever believeth in daddy should not beef it, but be eternally hashtag blessed.

At least I think that's how it goes.

But if you want to hear a real tale of real love, one that's been written off by history as yet another best friendship, then look no further.

Mark was written 50 years after Jesus died.

A biography of his doings while he was alive

boy who went to hate his maker Turns out that Mark was a really big faker Cause he left out an important part

A certain detail right from the start Yeah, Jesus was there, yeah Jesus was magic But to leave out this part was really fucking tragic It was me, I was there, washed his feet and combed his hair.

I baptized the bitch and then I watched us disappear.

So back off, I was there from the beginning to the end.

And Jesus loved the little children, but I was his best friend.

Luke talks about Jesus' kindness and charitable intention.

But the way he writes it sounds more like condescension.

Doesn't love you, isn't untrue But you're getting on his nerves Cause if you aren't Christian then it's more than you deserve It's all your fault

You should give away your things It's all your fault

No matter what misfortune brings It's all your fault

That everything you love is gone And through it all He barely ever mentions John Luke who I was there Washed his feet and combed his hair I baptized the bitch and then I watched us disappear.

So back off, I was there from the beginning to the end.

Yeah, Jesus loved the little children, but I was his best friend.

Okay, I'm gonna do Matthew, but I'm not gonna do the boys

because that would be anti-Semitic.

Matthew,

what's a wordy bitch?

He said that you should probably make the switch and follow Jesus for eternal life.

Yeah, those Jews for Jesus vibes.

Hams, clams, but does he mention John?

No.

So what's the deal?

What's this even about?

They all describe the baptism, then leave me out.

Well, I hate to say it, but they fucking blown it.

Cause now I gotta sit down and write my own.

It's about me and how I lived and how I loved and how I'd give it all for Jesus.

And they missed that part.

So yeah, I'm fucking pissed.

But they're just jealous.

Cause our friendship could've left the world shook.

That's why they all described my death before I wrote this fucking book.

You was a holy fuck boy.

You was a holy fuck boy.

You was a holy fuck boy.

It's all you was a holy fat.

It's all you fake on later.

It was me, I was there, washed his feet, combed his hair.

I baptized the bitch, then I watched his disappear.

So Mac got up, I was there from the beginning to the end.

Yeah, Jesus loves little children, but I was his best friend.

Thank you, Anna.

You have truly outdone yourself.

And before we fade to black, I want to let you know that if you'd like more Eli in your life, you can find more from him on the Bring Me the Axe horror podcast, which you can find linked on the show notes.

And if you'd like more of me in your life, I'm going to be doing my talk on the history of Christian video games for Skeptics in the Pub Online on Thursday, March 27th.

You'll find more info about that on the show notes as well.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait to lumpy and look out for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptic Red, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Monday, and even a new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend Got off a movies debuting at 7 a.m.

eastern on tuesday and even new episode of our half sister show citation dedicated at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i can't wrap things up until i thank heathen right for stepping up this past week when the flu had knocked me the fuck down i need to thank eli bosnick for the same i want to thank the lovely and talented lucinda lucians who suffered alongside this hellish beast of a flu alongside me i want to thank don ford voice of fantasy at adventure for always being there to help when we need him also want to thank the inimitable cecil cicarello who has finally graduated to having a real last name.

Congratulations on that.

Also want to thank Anna Bosnik yet again for outshining us all.

I want to thank John for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

I actually thanked him a couple of weeks ago, but then I forgot to send the Farnsworth quote to Heath when Heath was editing for my birthday, and then that made it super awkward, but I did get it in there eventually.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people.

Nick, Jen, David, Attorneys General, Ryan, Callanus, tired of Patreon, fucking with his payments, Nicole, Esteban, Michael, Kent, Jordan, Grindhouse Video, Cats Are Not Trash, Chris, Brian, and Katie, who are hotter than an anti-Tesla protest.

Together, these 16 sacrileges of bitches secured our screen with Simoleans.

If you, too, would like to give us Samoleans, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not in a money kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

And I ate some soap.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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