628: Narc of the Covenant Edition
---
To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist
To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/
If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: ScathingNews@gmail.com
To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat
To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies
To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/
To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/
To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/
Help support the show by checking out our sponsors:
mintmobile.com/scathing
stamps.com (code: SCATHING)
https://betterhelp.com/scathing
---
Headlines:
Amid measles outbreak, Christian school brags about having the worst vax rates in Texas:
https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/amid-measles-outbreak-christian-school
Do aborted babies go to Heaven or Hell?:
https://www.christianpost.com/voices/do-aborted-babies-go-to-heaven-or-hell.html
These Words Are Disappearing in the New Trump Administration: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/03/07/us/trump-federal-agencies-websites-words-dei.html
FCC Boss Brendan Carr harasses Google for not carrying right wing religious programming: https://www.techdirt.com/2025/03/11/trump-fcc-boss-brendan-carr-harasses-google-for-not-carrying-right-wing-religious-programming/
Missouri bill would let residents donate to anti-abortion centers instead of paying any taxes: https://www.propublica.org/article/missouri-pregnancy-resource-centers-anti-abortion-tax-credit-bill
Moms for Liberty teams up with Trump to open snitch line against diversity in public schools: https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-education-department-snitch-portal-against-diversity-1235282457/
James Lindsay's ridiculous oversized sword video: https://x.com/ConceptualJames/status/1261810420437876743
Listen and follow along
Transcript
So, what do this animal
and this animal
and this animal
have in common?
They all live on an organic valley farm.
Organic valley dairy comes from small organic family farms that protect the land and the plants and animals that live on it from toxic pesticides, which leads to a thriving ecosystem and delicious, nutritious milk and cheese.
Learn more at ov.coop and taste the difference.
At Larsen, we've perfected storm doors, like the Larsen 60 Maximum View with Surelatch.
It's a guardian, keeping your little escape artists securely inside.
The Defender, protecting against what you don't want with the most secure, first-ever magnetic latching technology.
When you hear, you know your 60 Maximum View is secure with Surelatch.
Larson, it's not just a storm door.
Find us in aisle or learn more at larsondoors.com slash Shurelatch.
Warning, this podcast contains language not suitable for some audiences, by which we mean prudes who think words are magic.
See, they're gone.
This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile, stamps.com, and by the new streaming service for devout Christians, Cruciflix.
Cruciflix.
Our only customers are...
Apparently, three atheist guys on a podcast.
That's weird.
Whatever works.
And now, The Scathing Atheist.
Hi, I'm Joel Osteen's Wright Moeller, recently awakened to sentience, and damn, does it smell like cocaine in here?
Either way, we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.
It's Thursday.
It's March 13th.
And it's national Open an Umbrella Indoors Day.
Because you're here against stupid superstitions anyway.
Just watch the eyes.
I'm Heath Henry.
I'm Eli Bosnick.
And from John Stewarts, New Jersey in Ann Arbor, Michigan, this is the Scathing Atheist.
On this week's episode, even the outbreaks are bigger in Texas.
Moms for Liberty opens a narcing hotline for anyone who needs any stitches.
And we'll say say all the words Trump doesn't want us to.
But first, the diatribe.
So what do we do now?
That's the question that's been circling my brain since November.
Now that we're dispelled of the illusion of majority, now that we know where we are and who we are surrounded by,
what do we actually do?
I mean, look, I know what history would have us do, right?
We'd revolt.
I mean, this couldn't be more obviously a fascist takeover if Adolf Hitler stepped out of a time machine, but I don't think anybody honest thinks that's going to happen, right?
Because even without a majority, there can be resistance.
You can throw Molotov cocktails from the roofs of the Warsaw Ghetto without support from your local congressmen, but the will isn't there on our side.
Maybe it's because they aren't herding people into camps yet, but you and I were also raised and schooled in the lie of non-violent disobedience, right?
Hey, Gandhi and Martin Luther King, they just asked nice enough.
So if shit ever gets bad, you guys better not do anything we can't ignore, okay?
And look, I know that's dismissive and largely reductive in its view of civil disobedience, but the truth is the women's march, the one right after Trump was elected the first time, was by all accounts the largest march in U.S.
history.
And as a result, we pulled out of the U.N.'s women's rights agreement.
These things only matter inso much as our representatives care.
And I think most of us now understand that even the grooviest congressman or senator will sit and talk about their plan and their email list while they murder us.
So, with apologies to the revolutionaries in my audience, I don't think we're flipping this by force.
And it's easy to get stuck there, right?
To despair that we aren't the generational heroes we thought we'd be, right?
We can sit in this hopeless place, just pointing fingers and blame at each other, yelling, no, you start the revolution.
No, you start the revolution.
And that'll get you a lot of clicks, right?
A lot of views, a lot of downloads to be have if your platform is perfection or nothing.
But I don't think we can afford that outlook.
And if I'm being honest, I think at least in part, it's how we got here.
So what do we do?
Well,
the truth of the matter is the government has way less power over us than we think.
No matter who's president, our community still exists.
Our morals and standards still exist.
exist.
And nobody gets to vote on that.
We got to rely on each other.
We got to give to each other.
At this moment in history, most of us aren't going to be the Jews hiding from the Nazis.
We're going to be the people willing to hide them.
And yes, there will be things that we personally cannot change.
Laws and ordinances, rules and regulations are out of your control.
But no matter how red your state is, there are queer people in your town.
Do they know you exist?
Do they know they can go to you for help?
Because they can make the laws, but they sure as fuck can't make you follow them.
Because look, right now, you're sitting in your car, in your town, in your country.
And if you're like me, that feels pretty lonely, right?
But you're listening to this show, and so are hundreds of thousands of other people.
People who are as mad as you are, people who are as disgusted as you are.
People who want to do something.
People who want to help.
You
want to help.
And maybe that help is Venmoing five bucks to someone doing something you wish you could.
Or maybe that help is mentioning to the right people in the right places that you've got a spare bedroom and a terrible memory when cops ask you questions.
Maybe you're a community organizing one woman force of nature who's already opened four nonprofits, but you could do a few more.
Why
i don't know you and i don't know what you can do to help
but i do know that we're asking the wrong question
the question in this moment is not what do we do now
the question is
what are we gonna do first they're talking about your jesus
broadcast bring you a special news woman today
joining me for headlines tonight is the textured soy protein to my potatoes eli poznick eli you ready to eat oh I'm down with TSP.
All right.
Well, while I think about Eli's shockingly good Vegan Shepherd's Pie, I love it so much.
We're going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor, Mint Bubble.
Okay, what room is this?
It's the living room, man.
Mm-hmm.
And now?
It's still the living room.
You haven't gone anywhere.
Got it.
Hey, guys.
Anna, what are you doing on the podcast?
Oh, I'm on the show later.
Why do you have a big stack of money tied tied to your head?
Eli, I told you not everything is a VR headset.
Okay, first of all, you can't know that till you try.
And
I feel like you,
I like to keep my money where I can see it.
That's why I signed up for Mint Mobile.
What's Mint Mobile?
Say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages.
Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month.
All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.
I don't know, Eli.
Do I have to give up my phone?
You sure don't.
Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.
Get your overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile for $15 a month.
All right, guys, I'm sold.
Where do I sign up?
If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you.
Shop plans at mintmobile.com slash scathing.
That's mintmobile.com slash scathing.
Upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month.
New customer offer for first three months only.
Then full price plan options available.
Taxes and fees extra.
See Mint Mobile for details.
Okay.
Thanks, guys.
Okay.
So what room am I in now?
Still not moving.
Same.
No, I forgot.
Living room.
Got it.
And now, back to the headlines.
In our lead story tonight, I'll admit, I've always found our country's fascination with what the founding fathers thought weirdly perverse.
I'm not the first to point out that praising the largely stolen philosophy of slave-owning wife beaters is no small part of the continued vein of white supremacy that runs through American politics.
But while we're pondering their viewpoints, I think it'd be pretty fair to say that they'd all agree that vaccination is a motherfucking miracle and that the evil anti-science shitbirds, proud of their resistance to that miracle, are traitors to their country and society in a way that would make Benedict Arnold blush.
Okay.
I mean, that's a shade for Benedict Arnold for no reason right there, but I guess.
Interesting.
All right.
I'm a loyalist.
I still remain a loyalist.
I was going to say, yeah, no, there you go.
Interesting viewpoint.
I'd like to go back.
A hot take, if you will.
And so it should come as no surprise to anybody that among the worst measles outbreak in decades, Texas Christians are now bragging about how little they care about the lives of their children.
Yeah, kind of wish they'd be a bit more pro-life.
That'd be great.
Yeah.
So, first off, big thanks to Hemet Meta over at the Friendly Atheist blog for bringing this story to our attention.
By subscribing to his email list, he sent us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com.
You can, and I may dream of tracing your chiseled features the way I dream of tracing Hemet's.
No promises.
Scathingnews at gmail.com.
Okay, I dream about Hemet's brain.
I'm more of a sapiosexual with like, you know, personal depth, but no judgment.
He's a beautiful man.
You ever wonder if Hemet describes describes us with graphic sexuality over on his show?
I bet he doesn't, anyways.
I bet he does.
I haven't listened in a while.
I got to check in.
Got to check in.
Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with the story, the vaccination of measles was so successful that back in the year 2000, the United States declared measles eliminated.
But then Andrew Wakefield wanted to make more sales of the vaccine he was pushing, and Facebook destroyed our brains.
And now Texas is in the middle of the worst measles outbreak in more than 40 years, with over 200 cases counted by the CDC and two completely preventable deaths so far.
Yeah, absolutely terrible.
I feel like this is weird, but mumps and rubella causing death would have a bigger effect on people, right?
It's just because of the names, you know what I mean?
This is not really helpful.
It's just a thought.
It's just a thought.
It's a thought.
Off track.
And if you're wondering what Christians are doing at this important moment, a moment where leadership in their community is the most vital.
Well, they're bragging about how low their vaccination rates are because we are in the bad times.
And of course they are.
The pastor of Mercy Culture Prep, a school with 300 plus students, just 14% of whom are vaccinated, took to Instagram to brag, quote, I just found out I'm a little behind on the news.
I'm a little slow.
getting old, but I just found out that we are the number one school in Texas for the least vaccinations.
And I guess the news got a hold of it and they were trying to spin it like it was some awful thing.
But I just want to congratulate all the family members of MC Prep that embrace freedom of health and they're not allowing government or science projects to affect how you live and lead your life.
No money, no whammies, no whammies.
Stop.
Did he die?
I'm certainly hoping so.
I'm certainly hoping.
You're going to continue to die.
Not in the middle of the quote.
No, no.
I know the entire world was
shut down with insanity, and people were fired from their jobs for forced vaccinations.
And freedom is something that we take seriously-religious freedom, freedom of our health.
And so, shout out to MC Prep for being the least vaccinated school in Texas.
We'll take it, or as Mercy Culture says, we celebrate it, we'll put it on the board.
Great.
End quote.
Mercy culture, we put the culture in Petri dish.
Fantastic, idiots.
Yeah, so look, it's now a matter of time until this school has an outbreak.
And when it does, in like any sane or just universe, anyone who attends this church or school would be denied medical care in any public place.
They would.
They should have the freedom to die from their own stupidity.
Trust me.
All that freedom.
What the founding fathers would have wanted?
I like it.
Yep.
I think they would.
And in Six Fetus Undernews, we have a very serious question to answer.
Do aborted babies go to heaven or to hell?
Well, the answer is no, and those aren't babies.
They're fetuses.
And heaven's not real.
Right.
But here's the thing.
When we say all that atheist stuff like we did just now, we're ignoring the most accurate history book ever.
as measured by height of stacking all the copies.
It's called the Bible.
It's in New York.
And if you're a faithful Christian, the answer to this question about dead babies becomes extremely important.
Well, that's what the op-ed section of the Christian Post is for.
Apparently, lots of insane people are wondering if zygotes are burning in a lake of fire for all eternity, or maybe not.
So theological pundit John Enser wrote an op-ed entitled, Do aborted babies go to heaven or hell?
Yeah, stay tuned for my op-ed next week.
If your religion leaves room for this to be a question, it's a bad one and you should stop it.
I haven't heard back.
So,
according to John Enser, millions of people are having abortions and then asking, what happened to my baby?
And then he writes, quote, the answer within various traditions of Orthodox Christianity spans from heaven and hell to somewhere in between.
Limbo, end quote.
So
I'm picturing like a really low limbo bar.
I was also picturing it.
Clearing it in adorable fashion.
So from there, Answer describes the big problem.
Quote, nowhere does the Bible address this question directly and explicitly, end quote.
So
there could be fetuses all over heaven, hell, and purgatory, or just spread all around if God takes a granular approach to this question.
Right.
And in granular, we mean in terms of size.
I mean, the nice thing is you could burn most of these fetuses in like a big pot from TJ Maxx.
It's a real space saver, let me tell you.
Right.
So again, no direct answers in the book of answers, but according to John Enser, the Bible, quote, infers certain things
about the eternal fate for Vetus.
The book deduces the answers from itself when God's word was a little too vague earlier in the book of God's word.
For example, Enser is very excited to let us know the good news.
Mirabelediktu, quote,
David's first pro-life action was worship.
Exclamation point.
In Psalms, David praises God for quote, knitting him together in the womb.
That being said, we also need to be aware that in Romans, we learn the wages of sin is death.
And in John, we're told that the only way to be forgiven and reach heaven is to accept Jesus Christ into our heart.
So that's the quandary.
According to Enser, quote, where does this leave those who are developmentally unable to trust Christ for the forgiveness of sins?
Oh man, every sentence of this article runs to the screaming edge of fetuses and developmentally disabled people are burning in fire forever and then goes, or
is it different
words?
so yeah that's how this whole op-ed goes the evil atheist fetus doesn't have any faith that's the problem and all human beings have a sinful nature so not looking good but just roller coaster of emotions here but a fetus might not have actual sin yet just the nature of sin and a great example comes from the book of job reminder that's the story of Satan, the prince of darkness, offering a bet to God that some guy named Job would definitely lose his faith with enough torture.
And God was like, cool idea.
Yeah, yeah, that'll be fun.
Naughty caprice.
You're on.
Let's do the bet.
So Job's getting tortured by the supremely evil demon.
And Job says, Why was I not as a hidden stillborn child, as infants who never see the light.
And Job reasons that if he died in the womb, he'd be in a place where, quote, the weary find rest.
And obviously that place is heaven, according to John Ensor.
Ergo, aborted fetuses, go to heaven.
Don't worry.
Or a Motel 6.
I guess it depends on if you're working with KJV or NIV.
Yeah.
So that's the line of argument from the op-ed.
But the topic certainly was not settled.
Of course, I'm talking about the comment section, where everyone is wrong and very confident and very furious all at the same time.
Especially on ChristianPost.com.
Yeah, I mean, much like the rest of the internet, but even worse at the Christian Post.
For example, there's a post that says, what a question for a Christian news source.
I didn't read the article because who would ever ask that?
Of course, aborted babies go to heaven.
And the immediate response from a reader named Artie to that was, not all.
There was Esau who God hated.
God knew how Esau would be before he was born.
And then somebody got mad at Artie and said, hey, Artie, the article is about aborted babies.
Esau lived, so not at all equivalent.
Unless you're saying that if Esau had been aborted, he would have gone to hell, which would be impossible to speak to unequivocally.
I mean, I'm currently in a heated debate about the function of a Magic the Gathering card on Reddit.
and even I'm like, you guys need to talk about your thing, Leslie.
Yeah, that's fair.
So from there, we got a big series of comments yelling at Artie for being in one of those insane cult versions of Christianity.
You know, unlike the sane Christianity, the normal, chill versions of Christianity you've all heard so much about.
And then somebody named Shelby jumped in with a hot take.
She posted, Maybe they don't go to either place.
Not to compare humans to pets, but, and she's going to do that right now.
As we know, dogs and cats going to heaven is not biblical.
However, they don't go to hell either.
And we know God loves our pets.
Groundbreaking theology from Shelby there.
She's the girl who at every Christian camp was like, I like to think of God as a smile.
Like, okay, Shelby, we get it.
Yeah.
And then some people
are in divorce.
She's in a cult because she thinks dogs go to heaven because it's not biblical.
Also in one of those cults.
And here's my favorite part.
A couple sane people actually jumped into the comment section to explain how you're all fucking stupid.
Jacob pointed out: most conceptions naturally abort.
If they go to heaven, it means the vast, vast majority of people in heaven never accepted Jesus Christ.
Like 100 billion people never professed Christ or even heard of God.
This is a huge theological problem with the doctrine of life begins at conception.
And then Stafford explained: if aborted fetuses go straight to heaven to be blissfully united with God for all eternity, then abortion is actually a sacrament, not a sin.
Aborted fetuses get to skip all the messy pain and botheration of a life on earth, struggling along in an imperfect physical body.
They get to go directly to paradise.
What a truly wonderful blessing.
So, fun comment section.
I enjoyed the sanity part.
Keeping it real over at ChristianPost.com.
And in Orwell, there you have it, news.
As the Trump administration makes its doing exactly what we told you we'd do policies ever more clear, we've gone from, gee, this is a lot like 1984 to downright copyright infringement.
And reality took one more giant leap towards a ripoff this week as the New York Times published a list of words that agencies have flagged to avoid or limit according to a compilation of government documents.
Skyfighter, get in here.
I want a Ministry of Truth Social.
Write that down.
Seems like a good idea.
Write it down.
Write it down.
So we'll start with the obvious ones: mentions of gay stuff.
Yes, like your homophobic aunt who pretends who you love is a fart at the kitchen table.
Various government agencies have been asked to avoid terms like assigned at birth, assigned female at birth, assigned male at birth, gender-affirming care, and
genders.
Plural.
Also, gender singular.
And just just a reminder, the list of bad words also includes female and females, but not male or males.
Even though Trump's own definition of biological sex accidentally defined everyone as female.
But the point is, in Trump's head, male is somehow a biological default.
Like if we did a factory reset, it's all dudes and they're just trying to like tear out a rib and fuck it like God intended.
Exactly.
Yeah, that's the image.
other no-nos include non-binary with and without the hyphens nice try grammar nbs nice try pronoun pronouns sexual preferences sexuality they them
trans transgender transsexual and
Men who have sex with men.
What?
Okay, what the fuck were they trying to prevent with that last one?
They're worried there's a government document about gay men, but somebody put it in crazy code, like somebody in Pennsylvania searching Pornhub for naked people having sex, men having sex with men.
Just like, this government document is about multi-penile fuck stuff.
You know, men having sex with men, each with their man, penis out gay men sex.
Okay, so Heath, I wasn't going to mention this in my story, but I actually went down the internet rabbit hole of this.
And I hope, I hope this isn't like a real thing, and I'm offending like a sweet group of people.
I don't think I am.
Men having sex with men, as far as Google could tell me, is a term that some men who have sex with men use when they're still straight.
Nope.
But they have sex with
no, they're not.
No,
you're not.
Wow.
All right.
Next.
Do they think that like if they say the word gay, then it's all then and right because that's the magic.
It's do you remember when the hormone monster in Big Mouth goes, look, I'm not a fairy.
I fuck dudes, but I'm not a fairy.
Wow.
It's like the official term for that.
I feel like there's a lot of people.
I think, like, no homo is actually a magic spell.
Yes, truly.
It is the no-homo of sexual terminology.
I'm hoping that the Google AI just generated nonsense, but
I fear the worst.
All right.
Next up, we have racism.
Cool.
From the destruction of the Black Lives Matter mural in D.C.
to what we're about to discuss, it's important to understand that the Trump administration isn't just trying to downplay racism or deny history.
They are trying to actively be racist, which is why they've banned and forbidden words and phrases like activism, activists, anti-racism, anti-racist, bias, biased, biased towards, biases, biases towards, and black.
Okay, just a reminder, these idiots went through all the government-funded science projects while using bias as a red flag word.
I guess we need to invent some like cockney slang to say what we want without the bobbies catching on.
And you know what?
Cockney works great for gay head if you think about it.
It does.
So if you wrote men having mouth sex with men in your official government science document, maybe switch it up and we can trick them.
And now you're not gay, too.
It's a twofer.
There you go.
Win-win.
Another big enemy of the McDonald's eating arts destroying administration is diversity, with banned terms including diverse, diverse backgrounds, diverse communities, diverse community, diverse group, diverse groups, diversified, diversified, diversifying, diversity, enhance the diversity, enhancing diversity, increase diversity, increase the diversity, promote diversity, and promoting diversity.
Okay, nothing about diversity.
Just make some switches.
We got this.
Cogni.
And of course, because the scariest terms of all for the administration are letters, many an initialism was banned with terms like BIPOC, DEI, DEIA, DEIAB, DEIJ, GBV, LGBT, LGBTQ, and one I didn't know, MSM.
Like mainstream media?
That's what I thought it meant too.
Okay.
And look, there is so much more we could talk about on this list, right?
There's the attacks on women and climate change activism that Heath mentioned a couple of weeks ago, but those things could be their own story.
What matters is this.
They aren't just trying to ignore these problems, right?
They're trying to erase the very people they hate from official written existence.
And bring it back to the beginning, as George Orwell taught us, trying to eliminate those people entirely is...
not far behind.
Hey, George here, just popping in with the time machine one more time.
Remember when I sidetacked a bunch of idiots during the pandemic for crying wolf with my book incorrectly?
Now it's real, though.
This is this one's re honestly, that wolf crying campaign was actually super
me ian fuck that was that was solid i think they did that by accident maybe i don't know and on that cheery note we'll turn things over to our second sponsor this week stamps.com
they're basically beach balls you can swallow why would that make it appealing you don't want to swallow a beach ball what hey guys i just wanted to go over the guests we have coming up for god awful movies uh some of them need some weird record times if that's okay okay shoot all right the hoose magoose podcast needs to go with 4 p.m.
instead of the usual 2.
All right.
Not a problem.
Yeah, we're flexible.
Okay.
And the down-under atheists there in Australia, obviously, they want to do midnight.
Is that too late?
Nope.
Works for me.
Oh, man.
Podcasting is great, right?
Totally.
I wish going to the post office were this easy.
Well, Eli, now it can be with stamps.com.
What's
stamps.com.
With stamps.com, tedious tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks, or documents and packages can be done on your time, not someone else's.
Stamps.com simplifies your postage needs and adds valuable flexibility back into your workday.
That sounds great.
It is.
And with stamps.com, there's no more tedious postage math.
RateAdvisor helps you calculate the best shipping rates fast.
Plus, you can get rates you won't see anywhere else, like up to 88% off USPS and UPS.
All right, Heath.
I'm sold.
Where do I sign up?
Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com.
Sign up at stamps.com and use the code scathing for a special offer that includes a four-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale.
No long-term commitments or contracts.
Just go to stamps.com, code scathing.
All right, guys, thanks.
Hey, let me ask you: if you could make a beach ball smaller.
Oh, I would immediately want to swallow it.
Swallow it.
Thank you.
Exactly.
You guys are so weird.
You're weird.
And And we're back.
Next up in headlines in QTube news.
The Trump administration is trying to make YouTube more Christian using the power of the Federal Communications Commission or FCC.
Trump's new head of the FCC is Brendan Carr.
And Brendan has, well, a lot on his plate right now.
As we continue moving full speed into the modern information age, it's important to make sure our advancements are good for society.
Of course.
The right of digital privacy definitely needs attention.
We need to handle the emergence of AI responsibly.
Social media platforms like Meta and Twitter are being used to hack elections and pickle everyone's brain in every direction except sanity.
Sure, sure.
But most importantly, to Brendan Carr,
YouTube TV is being mean to a Christian video channel.
So, Carr sent an insane government coercion letter to the CEOs of Alphabet and Google, claiming their refusal to carry the Great American Family Network on YouTube TV is religious discrimination against Christian people.
Careful, Brendan.
I am devout in my dedication to my new YouTube channel, How Far Can Eli Goate Himself?
And you are setting a dangerous precedent, my friend.
A dangerous precedent.
All right.
Big thanks to GA for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.
GA now has the option to request, I guess, whatever Eli promises to Luigi Mangioni in Eli's fan letters.
Eli's Eli's a big Fangioni.
As are we all, Heathan, right?
As are we all.
So the letter from Carr starts by saying, Dear Messieurs Pichai and Mohan, I am writing because concerns have been raised with the FCC that YouTube TV discriminates against faith-based programming.
While YouTube TV does not appear to have a public-facing policy against such programs, I want to determine whether your company engages in this form of discrimination in practice.
Okay.
I feel like you got to choose between the pluralized old English formal firm of Mr.
and Iwana in the opening paragraph of your letter.
Okay.
I was actually just typing the quote from the letter, so I might have done Iwana instead of I want.
But either way,
dear Mr.
Zerzers was weird.
So for those of you who aren't reading this, because you're not a patron, who get the scripts over at patreon.com forward slash skating atheists.
He's using M-E-S-S-R-S, which is an old English way to pluralize mr.
Yep.
Strange start.
Okay.
From there, we get the mafia shakedown section of the letter.
Carr pointed out how Google is protected from government intervention by various laws that are overseen by the FCC.
And it would sure be a shame if those protections were to suddenly disappear somehow.
And then he added some amazing double entendre wordplay that he's still talking about at dinner parties.
Quote, Google's conduct is only protected to the extent its actions, as relevant here, are taken in good
faith, end quote.
Yeah, see, that's our word and we'll take it back, damn it.
So obviously, YouTube TV was correctly identifying that crucifix or whatever it's called is a terrible channel and nobody wants it.
Except for us, because we have a lifetime.
But Carr was forced to begrudgingly admit that, like, yeah, suppliers in the economy often make choices based on demand, supply and demand.
However, Crucifix told him that they're the second fastest growing channel in cable television.
Just for context, first place is the famously atheist Fox News channel.
Carr also pointed out that Cruciflix is carried on other providers like Comcast, Cox, Fubo TV, Hulu, and DirecTV streaming.
So that's how he knows that Google hates Christianity, the religion of 2.4 billion people, including two-thirds of America.
I think if you're telling anyone to follow the business model of FUBO TV, it should count as tortious interference.
No, that's reasonable.
So, bottom line, everyone discriminates against bad programming because of the bad.
Because it's bad.
Yeah.
And as a longtime expert in the content of Christian video channels like Pure Flix, and Eli, I'm guessing you can back me up on this.
The word bad was extremely generous just now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So the complaint from the Christian Video Network, it's just a terrible artist demanding their shitty drawing goes on the fridge.
of all of America.
Every fridge company in America has to offer it and everybody has to put it on.
I'm going I'm going to offer my drawing.
Yeah.
Instead of merit, this is DEI pure and simple.
And I got to say, I'm shocked, shocked that the Trump administration is not being intellectually honest about it.
We expected better.
And in Missouri Loves Come, Pane News.
Just four months after Missouri voted to legalize abortion, Republican lawmakers are proposing a new bill that would let Missourians donate 100%
of their state taxes to anti-abortion so-called pregnancy crisis centers.
Because at this point, anti-abortion reps are just taking their cues from Wiley fucking coyote.
Okay.
Not clear exactly what that means, but plenty of anti-choice people are definitely picturing abortion as like
an Acme dynamite plunger scenario.
Especially after that video from Project Veritas that definitely wasn't edited with cartoons of Wiley Coyote the Roadrunner.
It was all the owner of Planned Parenthood really did say meet me.
Right.
So first of all, thanks to Will for being the first to send us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.
If you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we'll send you the uncut coughs left in version of this episode that phlegm perverts everywhere are clamoring for.
Scathingnews at gmail.com.
Okay.
Everyone's ASMR is different, Eli.
You're being judgy.
Exactly.
You're being judgy.
So these centers run by Christians masquerade as Planned Parenthoods or other abortion providers.
And then a lady who is almost certainly not a doctor in Scrubs lies to you about abortion at best.
Yeah.
Usually there's like a beaker and a clipboard.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And again, that's at best.
These centers have also been caught holding women down and forcing them to have ultrasounds.
They've been sued in several states for the right to distribute abortion pill reversal, a concept as fake as it is dangerous.
Okay, the only reason I know that abortion pill reversal doesn't mean they're just like handing out loose cum is because that would actually be way too scientifically accurate.
Yeah, no, that's fair.
That's fair.
So with all that, it will probably not surprise you that currently in Missouri, you can give 70% of your owed state income taxes with no cap to these centers.
What?
They're already at 70%?
We're starting at 70 with no cap.
But as I said at the beginning of the story, this new bill would bump that to 100%,
though it does at least come with a $50,000 cap.
Oh, good.
There's a 50 grand cap for the droves of people making millions of dollars a year in Missouri who have state income tax that's more than 50 grand.
Cool.
Yep.
Yeah.
Now, there's no word yet on how this bill will do in the state House or Senate.
It may be amended.
It may not pass at all.
Whatever the fate of the bill, I think we can all agree that taking direct funds from schools, hospitals, and roads to save the lives of hypothetical children by tricking women in their most vulnerable time of need is a move so stupid and evil, only a movement as ironically named as Pro-Life could do it.
Am I right?
Yeah, very stupid, no cap.
And finally tonight, I'm young.
That's a young thing.
They say no cap.
I've never heard of that.
And finally tonight.
In Nark of the Covenant news,
Christian right hate group Moms for Liberty teamed up with Donald Trump to establish a snitching hotline for concerned parents where they can report any instances of criminal conduct like diversity, equity, and or inclusion in their public schools.
Yeah, these people are like, first they came for the Quakers.
And I said, I'm happy to set up a Quaker reporting hotline if that would make it easier for you.
That is what's happening.
So for those who aren't familiar, Moms for Liberty was founded in 2021 by Platonic Florida women, Tina Deskovich, Bridget Ziegler, and Tiffany Justice.
And their original focus was anti-vax propaganda during a global pandemic.
That was fun, but now they've expanded their scope, and they're also working on getting anti-Christian facts.
out of the schools,
also known as facts.
You might remember Tiffany Justice from a story a couple years ago involving Adolf Hitler.
It all started when a regional chairmom of liberty from indiana released a newsletter that quoted hitler granted okay the the quote was being pointed to as an example of bad government overreach in education by hitler so technically the newsletter was anti-Hitler, like if you grant a very generous reading.
Technically, our newsletter is anti-Hitler.
Not
great, even if you do the generous thing.
But many nonetheless felt like the point could have been made without a quote from Adolf Hitler.
Also, Moms for Liberty is definitely doing bad government overreach in education, much like Hitler did.
So there's that.
Well, regardless of the interpretation, at the Moms for Liberty National Conference a few days later, Tiffany Justice got on stage and said, one of our moms quoted Hitler, I stand behind that mom.
I watched a video of that moment and the audience cheered.
And I don't mean cheered at the end.
They cheered after both sentences separately.
Woo!
Hitler.
Wait, she's still speaking.
She's still speaking.
Wait.
It actually, like, just like you did as a joke is what happened.
She said, one of our moms quoted Hitler and it was like, woo!
And she's like, no, let me finish.
I stand behind that mom.
So she's bigger up.
Insane.
Also worth noting that national conference, I mean, yeah, it was terrifying both for content and also for showing just how much this Christian right hate group has become a fixture in the Republican Party at the highest levels.
And it continues to be.
The speaker list at that one included Vivek Ramaswamy, Ron DeSantis, and Donald Trump.
And scariest of all, just based on comically oversized sword skills alone, James Lindsay was also there.
Who?
Great question.
He's the guy who co-authored a fake paper with Peter Burgosian called The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct and got a journal to publish it, thus disproving all of gender studies in their stupid heads.
But much more importantly, Conceptual James has a very silly giant sword in his possession, and he made a video of his kata
and put it on Twitter.
Yes, he did.
Heath, is there anything else that the people at home should know about?
Also,
Eli once roadrunnered the shit out of James into saying that the Disney Crows were not at all racist, which was a great moment.
You still looking back and feeling happy about that?
Happy and proud, Heath Enright.
Nice.
Happy and proud.
Absolutely.
Anyway, that guy, James, is a regular speaker at Moms for Liberty events.
And during his
breakfast time keynote a few days after the Hitler quote incident, he said the whole thing was intentionally blown out of proportion by the libs,
just like the tactics of Mao Zedong during the Cultural Revolution in China.
Huh, so Moms for Liberty went Godwin, and he defended that by going Mao double Godwin.
Mao double Godwin.
Yes, he did.
That's correct.
And to answer the other question that is certainly on everyone's mind, yes, James Lindsay was presented a literal sword, the sword of liberty by the moms.
And yes, there's a photo of that presentation ceremony they did handing him a sword.
Oh, they look like they're starting a new version of the home shopping network where you just pay to return things and yell at salespeople.
It's beautiful.
So now the moms are tight with the current president of the United States, and they set up a snitch snitch line.
It debuted last week and had a press release with a quote from Tiffany Justice that called this an opportunity to push back against, quote, critical race theory, rogue sex education, and divisive ideologies.
Or translated back out of propagandees, that's anything about the existence of the LGBTQ community.
Like, you know, all the hardcore gay porn you might find in books about two penguin moms at the school library for kids.
They're also hoping to root out all the non-white history curriculum about anything from, well, 1776 to 1865
or 1865 to the present, depending on that.
I was going to say, yeah.
And it's all because they don't want, you know, ivory tower elites deciding how education works, which is, that's dumb even for the Christian right.
If there's one thing you want ivory tower elites being in charge of, it's education.
They literally studied things that are true inside of a tower of ivory.
They know so many things.
All those elephants come to them.
Come on.
And the Christian Rights preferred alternative to the tower of ivory people.
It's just some local guy who learned from his fucking gut brain that American history doesn't have racism and finches are a Ponzi scheme.
So not great.
But, you know, that's just me.
So, just in case we have any concerned parents with genuine complaints about DEI, only genuine complaints, you can check out enddei.ed.gov and you can upload up to 10 megabytes of digital evidence, whatever you think that means.
Yeah, that means you can upload the debate between me and James in seven simple parts if you want to, or you could do just the crows section if you want to get it in one report.
Sure.
So, yeah, as usual in 2025, a lot of terrible news, but maybe there's a tiny little silver lining.
The snitch line is run by the Department of Education, but also Donald Trump is functionally ending the existence of the Department of Education because education fucks up his whole thing.
Obviously, that's extremely stupid, but at least it would end the snitch line.
well for a few days until they set up like a department of snitching which wouldn't surprise me at all
also Also, okay, one more little upshot.
Linda McMahon would lose her job as secretary of education and she'd have to go back to her very much related field of promoting fake wrestling.
So there's that.
All right, well, that's going to wrap up the headlines.
Eli, you want to exclaim us out?
Chew munchy.
And when we come back, Anna Bosnik is going to fix some Christian music as best she can.
Our main focus here at the Scathing Atheist is discussing all the ways that religion ruins just about everything.
Politics, education, scientific progress.
But one field that's a little trickier is music.
Plenty of great work was inspired by religion, like Amazing Grace or Handel's Messiah.
Honestly, the Jeff Buckley version of Hallelujah still makes me cry every single time.
But occasionally, there's a counterexample.
That's right.
It's time for some god-awful music.
And we have the Anna Bosnik to break it down.
Anna, welcome back.
Thank you.
I cannot compete with Jeff Buckley's hallelujah with this one.
So thanks for bringing that to people's minds.
Your music has also made me weep.
It's true.
I've never seen you hit a woman in the face.
You know what?
What?
All right.
Well, you already heard him.
Eli, you're apparently still here.
We're welcome, I'm sure.
Thank you.
There was music.
Jeff Buckley appreciates that.
So,
Anna, what piece of music, falsely so-called, are we going to be breaking down today?
Oh, boy.
This is a great one.
This is called God Made Girls by Raylin.
All one word.
All right.
And how did you find this one?
This song came to me from TikTok.
So there's this trend that was going really viral.
in January, February of this year called the Republican Makeup Challenge, where women copied copied the makeup looks of Republican celebrities and influencers and kind of made fun of this general trend born out of repressive Christian culture of women having no guidance in makeup and yet being told they have to wear it in order to achieve a feminine look.
It's a whole thing.
Anyway,
this was the song they chose for the challenge, and I can see why.
Because,
like the Republican Makeup Challenge, it is entirely unaware of just how self-derogatory and like
and very exciting.
This one comes with a music video as well.
Oh, yes, it does.
I just want to point out that the suggested videos next to this on YouTube are both suicide prevention PSAs.
So they know what state of mind you're in when you're watching God Made Girls.
It's because I watched it first.
Yeah, no.
On our internet connection.
Interesting.
For me, I got Ben Shapiro Pwn's 20 libs with facts and logic as one of the suggested videos.
But I also got a hook by Blues Traveler.
Oh.
You know, in case I want some real music, I guess.
I feel like the combination of my normal watching and my god-awful movies watching has the algorithm fucking stumped.
And it just like gave up on the music part.
It was like, yeah, we'll
try to red pill this guy with Ben Shapiro, but the music thing's not working.
Oh my God.
All algorithms think I am a progressive Christian at this point.
Yeah.
Our son is started watching youtube intermittently and because he shares a youtube account with me it tries to show him christian children's programming on a pretty regular basis and they're like really no
it sucks we have we have to shut that shit down yeah veggie tails out all right so you got to you got to get some weird stuff into that feed to fuck up the algorithm to yeah stop oh yeah all right let's get right into it eli will you be our um librettist is that the right term i will yes i'll i'll try
i won't do the voice because then i'd have have to shoot myself at the end of the record but if you can imagine everything being done in a mean impersonation of a baby that's uh that's how all of this it's like it's like if a breathy someone who is very breathy was on helium the whole time it's like anna forgot how to do her character voice at the beginning of an episode of d and d minors how dare you how dare you the people must know assume the cat the people must know that was a perfect impression of ray lynn by the way from man of you thank you
all right so we're going to start with a little voiceover here.
And it says, It's to be romanced and to reveal beauty and to play an irreversible role in a great adventure.
I'm sorry, but it's to be romanced and to reveal beauty and play a reversible role in a great adventure.
Exactly.
That's why I'm not doing the voice the whole time.
Yeah.
But when I heard that line, I wrote in my notes, Whose Great Adventure, Kelsey?
Are you feeling the Bechdel test in your voiceover?
She continues: The heart of every girl longs for these things.
Hey, Kelsey, a Jedi craves not these things.
I guess I'll give you a shot at like a strong feminist Sith perspective, but I'm skeptical that's what's going to happen in this song.
It's wild because she's kind of dressed like a Jedi, but with the bleached blonde hair.
She is.
Star Wars head cannon.
It's what makes us come alive.
So, yeah, this little interview part, I guess, I feel it's not actually actually in the track, in the single, if you go on any of the music apps, but I think they added it to bring depth.
Oh, depth?
Is that what happened?
Yeah.
To bring depth to what is going to be the most potato chips, casual misogyny song ever written.
But it does the exact opposite with the Dugger baby voice.
Oh, man.
It's the worst.
It's pretty weird.
All right.
We're going to start with verse one here.
There's a montage of her looking in mirrors to start the video.
Just pointing this out, two for two of the scenes have involved a woman looking in a mirror in this feminist manifesto.
Okay, maybe it's a strong feminist,
self-aware meta-critique, like a 90s hack comedian making fun of itself.
I'm just trying to give the benefit of the doubt here.
I'm just trying to be as like open as possible.
I appreciate that.
It's needed in this world.
Okay, so let's get started.
Somebody's got to wear a pretty skirt.
Rage.
rage, rage.
Yeah, benefit canceled.
Sorry.
Lasted longer than Anna.
Good for you.
Somebody's got to be the one to flirt.
Men canonically anti-flirtation?
Yeah, according to Ray Lynn.
It's terrifying, Anna.
It's terrifying.
To be fair, yeah, of the men on this podcast, the solid third are very anti-flirtation.
Somebody's got to want to hold his hand, so God made girls.
To cure male loneliness epidemics.
Yeah, well, it's an honor, Anna.
It's like a really good
support main in Overwatch.
It's important.
Exactly.
Somebody's got to make him get dressed up.
Okay.
Just for context, you know, so you don't get lost in these complex lyrical metaphors.
We're watching somebody setting up a ladder to the moon right now in the video.
Well, we wanted a more realistic image.
That's going to be useful.
You'll notice how short the moon is.
That's because it had to fit under the glass ceiling.
So
the ladder's not propped on anything either.
It's just like, there, I'll put a ladder there.
Cut.
Yeah.
No, I do think there's probably an extended cut somewhere where Ray Lynn tries to balance her ladder against the moon and it just falls off.
Oh, something went terribly wrong and they had to just give this up as
beheaded a PA.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
So somebody's got to make him get dressed up.
Give him a reason to wash that truck.
I mean, men do be pigs.
Yeah, truck pigs with cowboy boots and and a D-U-A.
Okay.
If wash that truck means wash my disgusting body, this one does track.
I get it.
Oof.
Our condolences.
I shower exactly as often as I see Anne.
That's how many showers.
All right.
This is why the wedding's happening.
Now we know.
But I shower every time before I see Anne.
Wow.
That's true.
That's like twice a week, podcast listener.
I need you all to call a short amount of showers.
Oh.
I'd like to see Ann more.
Wow.
All right.
Somebody's got to teach him how to dance.
So God made girls.
And this, again, we've talked about her voice already.
I wrote in my notes, there's literally no words for how artificial her voice is.
You've heard of auto-tuned.
This is AI-tuned.
It's chat GPT pain.
Fantastic.
Now it's time for the pre-chorus.
We get a lady on a horse here.
Love it.
And the lyrics, he needed something soft and loud.
And I wrote my notes, literal opposites.
Yeah.
And the visual aid we get for soft and loud is an elfin lady on a horse.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Soft and horse.
Random horse girl.
Soft and loud.
Okay.
And sweet and proud, but tough enough to break a heart.
Something beautiful and breakable.
Yikes.
That lights up the dark.
You heard it here first.
Women are made out of plutonium.
Honestly, after she started with women who are soft, loud, glow in the dark feels manageable.
Absolutely.
Yeah, way, way more message.
Women should be sporzando piano at most.
Like,
sorry, sorry, also also soft.
I'm also soft.
I'm loud soft.
Now it's time for the chorus.
So God made girls, God made girls.
I, okay, I don't like to yuck anyone's yum or discriminate against whole genres
in general, but
they are showing a lyrical dancer and lyrical dancing is the worst kind of dancing.
Yeah, it's what happens when a gymnastics teacher goes to the ballet and mutters to herself, I could fucking do this.
I can do this.
Yeah, it happens when ballet teachers are like, I wish I could do more modern dance move, but I don't like it when it gets too thinky.
Do they need a modern dance without black people?
They don't.
Okay, well then we'll call ours lyrical.
All right, jumping back into these lyrics here.
He stood back and told the boys, I'm about to rock your world.
Wow.
Full stop, another opinion time.
This is the worst line of the whole song.
So according to the fucking re this fucking retelling of Adam and Eve, God made all the boys at once.
And then, like, check this out, bro.
Hold them up.
They're on my mega boobies one.
It's like what he's doing.
Are they glow in the dark?
And soft loud?
Is it both of them?
They gotta be soft loud, yeah.
Hold my bro.
And God made girls for singing in your front seat.
God made girls for dancing to their own beat.
Yeah, because men are incapable of making their own serotonin.
Yeah, I mean, it's tricky because some of the song checks out.
There's like some positive stuff in there.
He stood back and told the boys, I'm about to rock your world, then God made girls.
And I just want to say that I'm glad she clarified early that literally the only purpose a woman could have would be for men.
Like, we might have missed that if she only said it once throughout the song.
So, yeah, the lyrics were failing the Bechdel test from the start, like Eli pointed out.
But just to be sure of that, this is where the video fails the Bechdel test too.
We see the boy character who represents, of course, the purpose of girls.
And apparently that purpose is to serve the happiness of a
Dickensian orphan boy who's also a bespoke tailor of Sue.
Yeah, to make him watch his truck.
That's confusing.
Yeah.
Fisherman's cap.
Yeah.
Also, I have to point out, we were one minute into this four-minute music video at this point, and I felt as though it was longer than many of the GAM movies.
Exhausting.
All right, let's jump into verse two here.
Somebody's got to be the one to cry.
I mean, I would cry too if I was a prop in someone else's story.
Yeah, fair.
Somebody's got to let him drive.
Unless they get car sick, in which case, actually, she has to drive.
So.
Okay, if you're letting Eli drive, I understand why you're crying in the last line.
Give him a reason to hold that door.
Okay, first rule of feminism, fuck doors.
I'm so fucking tired of talking about them.
All the fucking memes of people being like, I'm not going to erase my son, feminist.
He will always hold that door open for a woman.
Like, nobody cares if you open the fucking door.
Just pay me more.
Okay.
Okay, but in terms of the door, is it better or worse to hold?
I like to hold the door closed if I get through it before Anna.
Okay.
Sort of a password situation.
Whoever's walking first holds the door open for whoever's behind it.
And it doesn't even matter if you're with those people.
Unless they're an old person and you're within 100 miles of New York City, and then you don't have to.
What?
So God made girls.
Oh, the costuming.
Okay.
The costuming in this music video is so 2016 Forever 21 with the headbands and the like soft pink.
I'm surprised she doesn't have a feather tattoo.
It's so millennial.
Really, yeah.
Okay.
So 2016 Forever 21, but also somehow like third age of Middle Earth all at the same time.
That was that was making a big resurgence around circa 2016.
Oh, for sure.
There you go.
Let's jump on in.
Somebody's got to put up a fight.
Make him wait on a Saturday night.
Oh.
Walk downstairs and blow his mind.
So God made girls.
Okay.
So there's a marble staircase they have in the middle of a field in this video.
And it seemed like a reference to the moon ladder from earlier when I first saw it.
Oh.
Now it seems like they wanted to just really hammer home this lyric right here about walk downstairs.
So they got a marble staircase in the middle of a field.
Yeah.
Raylin walks down the staircase and just kind of sits on it for the rest of the song.
She does.
Yeah.
She duckered herself out.
I hurt myself on the ladder.
I need stairs.
You all didn't see it, but we killed the PA.
All right.
Time for pre-chorus two now.
Someone that can wake him up and call his bluff.
Okay.
Horse girl comes back and and has like a battle flag and she's topless and just facing away from the camera.
Don't get too excited.
But like this kind of won me over.
I was like, okay, horse girl, get it.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Elfin Horse Lady is awesome.
Yeah.
It felt like at this moment she heard the shitty lyrics of the song and just rode away shaking her head kind of.
Oh, okay.
I could see that.
I wish I could pull that off as a move.
Just be like, that's stupid what you're doing.
I'm taking my shirt off and walking away, but I can't take my shirt off.
I think we should try.
Riding my horse into the sunset and drag his butt to church.
And there it is.
I'm back out.
Yeah.
A lot of whimsy required of women in this worldview.
Also, theocracy.
Sure.
Yeah.
Someone that is hard to handle.
Something fragile.
I hate how she could be describing a Fabrize egg right now.
Yeah.
Right now, if this movie is about made of plutonium,
a quirky aubergé to show my guests that that's what what women are.
Yeah, and remind me to bathe before the guests arrive.
It's a
couple of important roles.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we go back to the chorus here.
So God made girls, God made girls.
He stood back and told the boys, I'm about to rock your world.
And God made girls for singing in your front scene.
And we get to see Horse Girl again.
And unfortunately, she has her top back on, but she is like seductively lying on her horse and caressing it on both sides.
And I don't know about the rest of the girls in this, but like, it looks like Horse Girl at least does not actually need a man for anything.
She got her horseman.
Yeah.
She clearly left the video and seems very happy.
And I was a little bit jealous.
Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
We get the rest of the chorus here.
God made girls for dancing to their own beat.
He stood back and told the boys, I'm about to rock your world.
And God made girls.
Get a little instrumental break after this.
Sure.
And we go back to the girl and the boy in the forest, little orphan boy.
And the girl who was dancing in the forest approaches the boy, making a sort of Goku lightning ball in her hands.
Yeah.
And she just shows it to him.
But if she was gonna get close to him and then like go full Kamehameha on his ass, like missed opportunity, man.
Wash your truck.
Wash your own damn truck.
Honestly, it felt like she would have been able to throw the light ball thing and this boy would sprint after the nothing like a dog who can't find the disappearing snowball and they have to root around all fucking confused.
Yeah.
So we get the first verse again, pretty skirt, one to flirt, hold his hand.
Now it's time for the final chorus.
Yeah.
Raylin gets up and dances around the fire from the beginning and Raylyn is not a great dancer.
No, no, she's not.
The production crew for this video clearly got point powder for ballet and Raylynn gets so distracted and just plays with the powder most of the time.
It's fun.
Fun fact, point powder is just rosin.
The same thing that gymnasts use to help with their grip and I use to rosin my bow.
So this would be horribly sticky and gross.
Okay.
Yeah.
They got so much.
They made such a mess with all this powder because everybody was like, I want to play with it too.
You just throw it around like they're having a powdered sugar fight for the whole video.
Yeah.
So we get that chorus again.
We get the first verse again.
Somebody's got to wear a pretty skirt.
Someone's got to be the one to flirt.
Hold his hand.
So God made girls.
And she leaves the giant fire she created in the middle of the goddamn forest burning.
Yes.
And just walks away.
I wanted Smokey the Bear to side-tackle.
It might as well end with a gender reveal party in this weird scene.
God made, it's a girl, and it's a wildfire.
Bail.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Why would God also make wildfires?
Fuck.
Not intelligent design.
The orphan.
The orphan boy.
All right.
Well, that was
what it was.
So, Anna, how did you fix it?
Okay, so since Raylin took the opportunity to rewrite the Adam and Eve story for country music, I figured I'd kind of do the same.
I took Raylin's Adam and Eve as told by the chicks, but make it more goodbye Earl vibes.
Nice.
Anyway, and if you listen closely, you may even hear a cameo from one very special guest, Madge the Pug.
Madge!
Madge!
Match!
Somebody's gotta come and help these boys.
Somebody's gotta put away their toys.
Somebody's gotta teach them grace and poise.
So God made girl.
Girl looked around at the empty shelves, the dirt everywhere and the rancid smells.
Wondered why the boys couldn't clean themselves.
That's when, girl,
she thought, What's the use?
It seems these dudes don't seem he has a hole.
And if that's the tale, I'm gonna bail, but I'll have to have control.
So, girl made a plan,
girl made a plan,
Cause there ain't no way I'm only here to please a man.
Yeah, girl made a plan.
Girl made a plan.
Cause if this is how the holy book began,
she'd need a plan.
Now somebody's gotta go and find the tree The fruit that's forbidden by God to eat But he never mentioned anything about the seeds
Somebody's gotta teach these boys to run Cultivate an orchard in the scorching sun Help me pick the harvest fill in baskets one by one
She said Eat your fill, this fruit it will.
Bring knowledge of our plight.
And then God appeared with wrath and fear.
But girl put up a fight.
And girl killed God.
Girl killed God.
She shoved an apple right between him.
Girl killed God.
And the knowledge contained within.
he couldn't believe in him
everyone was standing round but got a handslash
when girl killed God
Girl told the boys they were people now and went off on her own in the world somehow one night she stumbled across a wolf out on the crowd
and girl made die
girl made die
companion through the valleys, mountains, plains, and bars
for tummy rubs and scrinches, girl made die two independent bitches,
somebody to cuddle and listen to her monologue.
That's why girl may die.
somebody to help her in a fight.
Somebody to fill her lonely nights.
Somebody to turn her house into a hole.
Girl made dawn.
And that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.
But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.
If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skepticrat, debuting at 7 a.m.
Eastern on Monday.
An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m.
Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.
Big thanks to Anna, big thanks to Eli, and of course a big thanks to all the Patreon donors, new and old.
The new ones will be complemented with a cavalcade of consonants next time around.
And if you're feeling financially benevolent like those fine people, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheost.
And that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.
You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheost.com.
And if you don't have the money for giving away money, we get it.
You can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.
Speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us.
And our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission.
If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheost.com.
What is that a reference to?
Nothing.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Sometimes the old creative juices.
Sometimes I say, what do you guys got up there?
And they're like happening in your face.
Swallow beach ball.
Verb noun.
Sometimes it's good.
Sometimes it's verb noun.
I don't, I tell you only this.
I have no control over it.
Amazing.
The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025.
All rights reserved.
Time for a sofa upgrade?
Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.
AniBay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.
Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.
Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.
Liquid simply slides right off.
Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.
Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.
Don't compromise quality for price.
Visit washablefas.com to upgrade your living space today with no risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.
Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.
Shop now at washable sofas.com.
Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.