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Warning, we're already on the naughty list, so there's no reason not to say fuck at this point.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Aura Frames, Factor,

and by the superhuman effort it took me to tear myself away from the Atari 7800 Plus that Lucinda got me for Christmas.

The Atari 7800 Plus, because I'm not hiding how old I am.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hi, this is Glynn from Johannesburg in South Africa, and I have two things I'd like to say.

Firstly, the majority of us do believe that Elon Musk is a giant wanker or what we would call a puss.

Secondly, and I can confirm that I have not been paid by Russia to say this, we did indeed evolve from filthy, monkey men and women.

It's Thursday.

It's December 19th.

And on this podcast, we do Krampus' light work on No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright.

And from Andy, Kims, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Rust, Georgia, this is the Skating Ages.

Oh, this week's episode, Tiny Tim is at the center of RFK Jr.'s vision board.

Flat earthers put their heads where the sun don't shine and where it always shines.

And Don Ford will be here for a few biblical reshoots.

But first, the diatribe.

All right, so I've got a bah humbug for you.

And look, I should say up front, for an atheist, I fucking love Christmas.

I'm not normally a bah humbug guy.

Honestly, there is nothing nothing in the world that cost me this much money that I like more and I'm including my own health in that calculation.

I'm the guy everybody brings their hard to wrap presents to and I love it.

I once bought Christmas lights for my neighbors on both sides so we could do the same theme.

There are about four Christmas commercials in the history of Christmas commercials that don't make me cry.

I fucking love Christmas, but I still had an amazingly bah humbug moment.

Came last Monday.

It's about 7 p.m., about half an hour before our scheduled record for citation needed.

I'm chilling in my office.

I'm watching a YouTube video while I wait for the clock to get the fuck on with it.

When all of a sudden, I hear this insanely loud music outside.

Yes, all of a sudden it rose such a clatter.

I get it.

Yeah.

Now, I live pretty close to a relatively well-trafficked road by small town standards, that is.

And I'm used to people with obnoxiously loud car stereos occasionally pulling up at the stop sign near my house and then driving on.

So I think it's that at first, but this music is lingering way too long for that.

And it was so loud that I couldn't tell what the music was, but it wasn't the kind of bassy shit you usually hear from obnoxiously loud car stereos.

And it's going on for a fucking while.

It's not moving away.

So I figure maybe one of my neighbors has decided to have an uncharacteristically loud party or something.

And then I start doing, like I go through the scenarios in my head where I'm like, oh, should I go over there and ask him to turn it down and tell him I'm recording?

But it's so fucking loud that I can't imagine anybody doing that who isn't just trying to be an asshole.

And if somebody playing their music really loud is trying to be an asshole, do you really want to volunteer to be the target of their ire?

So I'm doing all of this shit.

I'm wondering how long something like this has to go on before it's reasonable to call in a noise complaint about it.

And luckily, after three or four minutes, the deafening cacophony does start to fade away.

So it's definitely moving.

It's on a moving thing.

For quite a while, it was still loud enough that it would have fucked up my record, but it blissfully moved on well before we were scheduled to start.

Anyway, a few minutes later, Lucinda, she comes up to smoke a bowl with me before I hop on the record, and I ask her if she knows what the hell that music was, and she does.

Turns out it was none other than jolly old St.

Nick.

It was a local fire truck all decked out for Christmas with Santa sitting on top of it, rolling through a local neighborhood with Christmas music set to rock concert fucking airplane taking off volume.

Now, I need to reiterate here that I'm generally a big fan of Christmas.

I'm totally fine with the city decking out a municipal vehicle and then slapping a sand on it and rolling it around, getting kids fired up for the holiday.

I shouldn't be, right?

The atheist activist in me winces a bit at the use of public property to celebrate a holiday that actively seeks to exclude people of other faiths, but I just can't bring myself to be offended over something that's going to make so many kids so happy this time of year.

That being said,

they could definitely pipe the fuck down about it.

I mean, I cannot overstate how intrusively loud this shit was.

It was terrify the cats loud.

It was wake a motherfucker up who's trying to nap before the night shift starts loud.

It was so fucking loud that I couldn't hear the YouTube video I was watching, despite the fact that I was listening to it through my professional podcaster headphones.

It was the kind of volume that only the most privileged of assholes would even consider using for anything short of attacking a Cuban embassy, let alone for driving slowly through a residential neighborhood.

Now, step back for a second and consider how funny this story almost was, right?

It was almost a story of an atheist calling the cops on Santa for spreading joy.

When Lucinda told me what it was, in fact, I laughed at myself for being such a Scrooge about it.

But like...

House rattlingly loud music is such a universal irritant that we actually have a term for calling the cops over that shit, right?

So, my second thought after reprimanding myself for being such a Scrooge was reprimanding myself for not being a Scrooge anymore when I realized it was a Christmas thing.

Because the whole point of what we're doing here is that that shit shouldn't matter, right?

I mean, you know, look, I grin and bear it through the loud noises on like fucking 4th of July because you can't celebrate loud noisemess without loud noises.

But blaring Jesus music at random homes at Hope My Sphincter Can Handle This Volume, that's not a core part of christmas this is just some random bullshit a bunch of overprivileged christians decided to tack on and their privilege is so great that even a guy who fights against it for a living instinctively flinched at challenging it I mean, I'm not even going to ask you to imagine what would happen if they were using that same municipally owned system to broadcast like the call to prayer at that volume, or even what would happen if they used it to promote a religious holiday that didn't involve Jesus.

Just imagine what would happen if they went around doing the exact same thing, but in a secular way, in a totally secular way, blaring music at skull-softening levels just to make kids happy about something other than Christmas.

I'll tell you what happened.

They get two fucking choruses into baby shark before somebody shot out their fucking tires.

And I sure as hell wouldn't feel like a Dickensian villain for considering a noise complaint over it.

The point is, is that we're all responsible for Christian privilege.

And in so many ways, that's the real reason for the season.

At least the shitty parts of it.

They're talking about your Jesus.

The interrupt is broadcast and bring you a special news.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the ghosts of Christmas past and present to my ghost of Christmas future, Heath Enright and Eli Boznik.

Fellas, are you ready to haunt an old white guy?

I ghost myself all the time.

So I guess this is not what I meant when I said we should know me better, man.

Okay, I was very clean.

I guess I should have known better than to offer that opening to a couple of old white guys.

So I'm going to give them a moment to recover while we pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Aura Frames.

And then, kind of sort of stepchild, said the funniest thing.

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Oh, no, mom.

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What happened?

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All right, now say hi to Mr.

Pipples.

Don't put me on the phone with the dog.

I'm on the phone with the dog.

He's smiling.

He is smiling.

And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, it turns out that when they said make America great again, they did mean polio.

Or at least that's the logical conclusion after reports resurfaced last week linking RFK Jr., that's Trump's pick to head up health and human services in his next administration, to efforts to revoke federal approval of the goddamn polio vaccine.

And of course, in response to the accusation that the future head of the HHS was promoting the return of a deadly disease that used to kill or paralyze half a million people a year before one of humanity's greatest dimensions eradicated it, Polio released a statement distancing itself from RFK Jr.

Hey, everybody, polio here, the shit-based disease makes you unable to walk.

So I just want to say that guy, RFK Jr.

is problematic.

Like, we didn't ask him for help.

That's just a coincidence.

Nothing to do with that.

Also, while we're here, fuck Mitch McConnell.

We tried.

We tried.

We tried.

I got him.

I got my hooks into the bag.

Best thing that polio ever did.

Could have copyrighted the sun a little later or whatever that thing is.

Also, I just have to point out that conservatives are just constantly coming up with punishments for themselves that even I wouldn't wish on them.

Right.

Right.

Like if a fairy had appeared to me on November 5th and offered to put the children of everyone who didn't vote for Kamala Harris in an iron lung, I'd have said no.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

So yeah, so this controversy stems from an article in the New York Times that was just desperately sounding the alarm about the people Trump's putting in charge of our health.

Specifically, they were highlighting the past work of RFK Jr.'s personal attorney, Aaron Siri.

Siri is an anti-vaccine lawyer, mostly known for subjecting vaccine scientists who spent their lives saving babies from paralysis to grueling.

Ah, my phone just ordered ivermectin for me.

Come on.

Come on.

So, yeah, but he will subject.

Pronounce it different.

He would subject those motherfuckers to grueling nine-hour depositions where he tries to trick them into sounding like shills for big pharma for an internet snippet's worth of time.

He's also the guy RFK Jr.

floated for attorney general if he had won the the presidency.

He was also the lead counsel in the infamous anti-vax trial in Tennessee that Kennedy co-argued.

This is one where they sued a doctor for $75 million for giving a kid autism with the MMR vaccine.

How'd that go?

Did they do well?

No, they didn't win that one, as it turns out.

Anyway, in the New York Times article, they reminded people that as recently as 2022, that guy, Aaron Seary, who is currently helping Kennedy choose his staff at the HHS and has been floated as the agency's next chief counsel petitioned to suspend approval for the polio vaccine.

Okay, so vaccines do not cause autism, but let's pretend they do.

As a person on the spectrum who also walks, I'm thinking we keep using it, right?

Yeah, just, you know, pros, cons.

I mean, look, I don't know any parents of kids who died of polio, but I'm pretty sure they'd trade that for their kid, you know, loving watching YouTube on 0.25 speed like mine does.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, if you follow the anti-vax news as much as we do, you'll already know what Siri is asking for, and it is homicidally insane.

The argument behind this petition is that the very best studies in medicine are double-blind placebo tests, and no double-blind placebo tests were ever done for the polio vaccine.

Okay, my phone's really ordering some weird shit.

Yeah, yeah, right.

You should have turned it off.

So they want the vaccine pulled from the market until those type of tests can be done.

Those tests, which would include denying a random cohort of children the vaccine against polio, and then, you know, seeing how they did for a lifetime,

like

setting aside all the people who would be denied the fucking vaccine and would be at risk while you were doing those tests, the tests themselves are deny random children the vaccine for polio.

And to be clear, while double-blind placebo tests weren't done, hundreds of other tests were.

Not to mention, we've got a half century of data on actually giving that vaccine to virtually everybody.

It's a solid test.

Yeah, right.

The tests he wants to do are as dangerous as they are unnecessary.

Okay, and why is nobody bringing back smallpox to test it?

Like, what are they hiding?

Oh, yeah.

And look, some people are.

Aaron, I'm on board, but personally, I think it's irresponsible for us to start a drouble blind trial before

we shoot everyone in the chest to check if they're Superman.

We're going to do you first.

But then, when we know,

you know, the best possible study.

Skeptic.

Now, of course, Kennedy's spokespeople are trying to distance himself from these efforts.

And they say that Kennedy, quote, believes the polio vaccine should be available to the public and thoroughly and properly studied, end quote.

But if you speak vaccine denialist, you will know that that thoroughly and properly studied is code for demonized because it has been thoroughly and properly studied.

That's what FDA approval is, and they did that shit in 1977 for this one.

What they want is a perpetually receding goal line that won't settle into place until every goddamn genuine medicine known to science is replaced with ground herb roots and candles that smell like Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy.

Yeah, tell you what, we'll do our medicine.

Let's do yours first.

There you go.

And next up in headlines in Buckeyes, Full Hearts Can't Lose news, we have a story about the Christian awakening at the Ohio State Buckeyes football team.

Coming into the season this year, they were reeling from three years in a row of losing to their evil nemesis, the Michigan Wolverines.

So they decided to get the big guy involved.

They set up a big stage in the middle of the quad, and the most revered people on the campus, the stars of the football team, led a giant crowd of students in a big Christian revival meeting with singing and prayer and a dunking pool for a series of baptisms that they did.

And yes, the saddest part of that statement is the fact that the most revered people at the Institution of Higher Learning are the ones who get hit in the head on purpose the most.

But that's just, that's our starting position, right?

That's our starting bank of stupidity we have to build exactly as a baseline.

Yeah.

Also, Keith, as a Michigan fan, I feel like you need to recuse yourself from this like a Supreme Court justice.

I want to say that for the rest of the day.

Well, I'll tell you what, he is going to recuse it like the Supreme Court justice.

All right.

Well, a big thanks to Lisa for sending the link.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

If Lisa meets Tim in person, Tim is an Ohio State alum and a big Buckeyes fan.

Lisa can request one full rendition of Hail to the Victors, the Michigan fight song.

Well, I think I speak for Tim when I say she can, in fact, request anything she wants to request.

And he has to sing it.

Oh, all right.

Nicely.

Honestly, Tim, based on the things we've promised people our cast would do based on sending things to scathingnews at gmail.com, you got pretty mild, right?

You got

it.

That's fair.

So you might be thinking at this point, football is already an extremely problematic religion at places like Ohio State University.

So maybe the football team should not be holding enormous Christian ceremonies in the middle of campus.

And you'd be correct.

And the director of the Faith and Sports Institute at Baylor Theological Seminary actually agrees with you.

His name is Paul Putz.

And he pointed out that when Christianity rough, Paul,

great.

Paul Putz, head of the theological zeb, Paul Putz.

He pointed out that when Christianity.

I'm going to hang out with God.

God won't make fun of me.

God will make fun of you, Paul.

Paul Putz pointed out that when Christianity becomes aligned with the football team, it creates a sense that other faiths may not be welcome.

But Ohio State does not agree with that.

According to OSU spokesman Chris Booker, our campus is a welcoming place for students to express their beliefs.

That being said, during the week of the Michigan game, the entire campus and the entire city of Columbus, every year they do this, they try to erase or cross out every single appearance of the letter M for Michigan, like anywhere.

So you get road signs that are like, welco to Kalubis instead of welcome to Columbus.

It feels a bit unwelcoming.

And so does the baptizing pool in the quad if you're not a Christian.

Yeah, I love that their response to, well, it seems like it would stifle dissenting views is to stifle that dissenting view.

Yeah.

Now, see, if I had Ohio State's record, I'd be doing a lot more wondering what gods they're worshiping over at UMish, maybe a fact-finding mission.

All right.

Well, just to be clear about the God that they're worshiping over there, here's the grand plan that we know about so far.

The University of Michigan was founded in 1817, and it's been one of the best public universities in the country ever since.

Ohio State is also a public university, founded in 1870.

The football rivalry started in 1897, and despite all the praying from Ohio, God let Michigan amass the most wins in the history of NCAA Division I football over the years and a commanding overall winning record in the rivalry with 62 wins to 51 for OSU.

But maybe God was just keeping the Buckeyes humble.

That's important.

But then they really started praying this year in Columbus.

And Michigan came into the game, their big rivalry game last month as a big underdog, OSU, the big favorite, especially with OSU having home field advantage.

And that's when we officially learned where God really stands.

God is a Wolverine.

That's official.

Michigan pulled off the giant upset, besting Ohio State by a score of 1310.

We also have legal weed and bodily autonomy in Michigan, much better than Ohio.

So lots to think about for all the Christians falsely so-called in Buckeye Nation.

Suck it.

All right.

Go blue.

Well, clearly, Tim needs a few minutes to pack up his stuff.

So we're going to pause for a word from our other sponsor this week, factor

okay so what work do i do now no noah you just sit in the chair to make the chair better

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All right, Heath.

Thanks.

What do you say, Noah?

Some video games?

Ooh, ooh.

We could make a let's play.

Stop making content.

It's a live live stream.

That's still content.

A man man wrote the Bible.

A whore is what's mine.

If it's a legitimate random.

Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This weekend.

It's been a while since I brought you a ladies of misogyny themed segment, but I've got one for you today.

I've got a lady too misogynistic for a Christian school, a lady declaring war on plastic dicks, and a lady warning about the dangers of abortion juice.

And I'll do you the favor of starting on that last one so your imagination doesn't have to sit there without context for too long.

So this story comes to us from the National Association of Christian Lawmakers, a Christian nationalist organization founded by Arkansas state legislator Jason Rapert.

If you're new enough to the show to where that name doesn't ring a bell, let me just say that the fact that Raper is in his name isn't remotely the most sexist thing about the dude.

Anyway, the NACL recently held its winter conference where one Christy Hamrick of Students for Life proposed new model legislation that would use existing environmental laws to go after self-administered abortion medication.

The idea is to, in Hamrick's words, quote, Elliot Ness their owl capone, explaining that, quote, they got capone on taxes and we'd like to help you get the abortion industry with the environment, end quote.

So how does she connect those dots?

Why, the aforementioned abortion juice.

Specifically, when you flush an abortion, you're putting a bunch of fetus into the municipal water supply.

And though she cited no sources, she claims that this amounts to, quote, thousands of pounds of aborted baby remains, end quote, being added to the nation's water supply.

Adding, quote, I don't want to drink your abortion, end quote.

So couple notes here.

The first is that I didn't want you to drink an abortion either until you brought it up.

And now, I kind of do.

The second is that it would be damn hard to fashion an environmental law that classifies aborted fetal tissues as an illegal to flush toxin that wouldn't also outlaw shit that falls out of women on the regular regardless of abortions.

And the third is that should this ultimately prove successful, I will lead the charge on disposing of aborted fetuses into Tupperware that winds up in Christy Hamrick's mailbox.

So our next gender trader is a British influencer named Gozen Soydag who is suing her former employer after they fired her for being too misogynistic.

And that story might not rise to the level of getting a mention on this show, except that the former employer in question was a Catholic girl's school.

And that school thought her social media posts about women submitting to their husbands were too damn sexist.

Specifically, the school said her online profile was, quote, incompatible with the school's mission statement and ethos, end quote.

Soydag disagrees.

She points out that all the ridiculously misogynistic shit she says is in the Bible.

And in her defense, it is.

But of course, highlighting what a despicable source of morality the Bible is actually does go against the school's ethos, if not its mission statement specifically.

So either way, it seems like they've got their asses covered.

But that didn't stop Soydag from claiming wrongful termination, accusing the Christian school of discriminating against Christians, and taking her complaint before a tribunal demanding compensation.

And lastly, tonight, with thanks to Jacqueline for sending me this one on scathingnews at gmail.com, it looks like Texas's war against joy is moving into a higher gear as the state now sets its sights on fuck stuff.

Specifically, they're trying to pass a law that would make it illegal to sell sex toys in anything that isn't a sex shop.

And given our cast of liberal definition of what makes a sex toy, I feel like that might just make all consumer goods illegal in Texas, at least for Eli.

But yeah, this is HB 1549, and it's the brainchild of State Representative Hillary Hickland.

Guess which party she belongs to?

And the law is guised, as anti-happiness laws always are, in protecting children.

This time, we're protecting them from rubber dicks.

According to Hicklin, quote, children have the right to grow up free from premature exposure to sexually explicit materials.

And as lawmakers, it's our responsibility to uphold that right, end quote.

Because, you know, who hasn't had to distract their kids as they awkwardly wheel their cart past a dildo aisle at Walmart?

Nobody.

And especially nobody in Texas, where it's actually already illegal to sell certain sex toys, including dildos and vibrators, and has been since 1973.

But that isn't stopping this idiot from trying to make it, I don't know, double illegal.

So yeah, zombie apocalypse rules, guys, we're up against a bunch of thoughtless idiots, but they're attacking us by the hordes.

So with that important reminder, and apologies for running a bit over my allotted time, I'll wrap things up and hand you back to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Bapham Maybe Not news tonight,

Baphom A pulled a Jesus this week after he managed a miraculous resurrection outside of the New Hampshire state capitol.

The story began when the Satanic Temple unveiled a statue of the goat-headed god on the Capitol grounds in an effort to religiously balance out the nativity scene in the state where one in three people are non-religious.

Within hours of its unveiling, of course, Christian vandals on a mission of peace and love destroyed the display.

But within a few days, a coalition of local artists got together to rebuild it.

Nice.

which sort of makes it both a christmas and easter display guys we res erected a statue right right

res erect

you

so in talking about this story it's really important that we highlight the efforts of new hampshire state representative ellen reed ellen read right yes absolutely according to meta over at the friendly atheist substack she is the longest serving secular state legislator in new hampshire and she's apparently the one who urged the Satanic Temple to erect a display there in the first place.

She wanted the city to pay the proper price for allowing a nativity scene to be displayed on public property, and that price is, of course, equal access to everyone else, a price which means nothing unless somebody actually uses it.

So, Reid encouraged both the Satanic Temple and the Freedom from Religion Foundation to put up displays.

Yeah, and a quick reminder, if inclusion drives you into a statue-destroying rage, the thing you care about is not Jesus' birthday.

Yes, exactly.

Right.

The point is outgrouping.

Now, of course, even before the display went up, the city was distancing itself from its own policy vis-a-vis the holiday displays.

They put out a public statement online explaining how, legally speaking, they had to let the Satanist play or they couldn't have the baby Jesus.

In the statement, they actually refer to their policy as, quote, the policy of allowing unattended displays at City Plaza during the holiday season, End quote.

And I, for one, think the inclusion of the word unattended is utterly inexplicable unless you're trying to encourage vandals to take care of things after hours, which inevitably some Christian asshole or assholes did a mere two hours after the statue was unveiled.

Yeah, but when I describe the members of that city council as the unshot members, no, it's all beepy with the beep buttons.

So what is happening in the lives of these Christian vandals just hanging out with their fellow evangelical street toughs, flipping coins menacingly?

All of a sudden, hey,

let's go fuck up that goat, right?

Yeah, like

action ready, upsettingly action ready.

Literally.

But that was not the end of the story.

A few days later, a group of local artists calling themselves the Concord Area Artist Coalition for Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion or Kaakfophosa 4, rebuilt the display, dubbing the new incarnation with the delightfully clever moniker, Bathome Un Concord.

Oh, come on, Heath Enright.

That's some good shit.

Heath Enright?

Was that you, Heath?

Redirect.

No.

Some Christian asshole.

That was a different guy.

He's probably going to break this one, too.

Yeah, obviously.

Obviously.

No, that was the same guy coming back.

And he's like, okay, guys.

All right.

This time, time, though.

He sees them putting up the unconcord banner.

A single tear runs down his cheeks as he hides his poster board behind his back.

So now, of course, some Christian asshole is almost certainly going to break this one, too, but they might get in trouble for it.

The local police are apparently investigating the vandalism as a hate crime, as they should.

And even if they don't.

All this drama will do way more to convince city officials to take down all the religious displays off public fucking property than than any satanic statue ever could have by itself.

Okay, but maybe after the next vandalism, you make the Baphomet statue wearing some like Confederate gear just really confused the vandals.

Right, right.

Make it entirely out of those sticky mousetraps that are super unethical.

No, the most important takeaway, though, is that these vandals and the numerous city officials that are actually trying to push the secular displays out through official means are trying to remove the ability of New Hampshireites to live free.

I believe there is a state prescribed alternative to that.

I read about it on a license plate one time.

Just gonna be a patriot.

Throw it out there.

You won't do it.

And in sob story news.

As Christmas rolls around each year, I have to admit, I tend to subconsciously check things off the scathing atheist war on Christmas bingo card.

Nativity scene freak out?

Check.

Illegal removal of a minority religion from a Christmas thing.

Check.

Chaz Stevens deserving my ever-adoring love and affection for his atheist Jesus butt plug-based pranks.

Check, check, and check.

But there is one form of shenanigan that always slips my mind until I see it again, which is that almost every year there's a Christian who gets so fucking jealous of Santa stealing the credit for Jesus' very special birthday that they scream how not real he is at a bunch of children.

And dick coming, it happened again.

So, we're going to talk about it.

I never understand this one.

If you're a devout Christian, you should really steer clear of any that guy isn't real arguments, right?

Right?

Like you think, right?

Especially when Santa is way more logically coherent than your thing.

That's just like a really fast guy with flying reindeer.

All those words I just said are real words conceivable.

Like the Mayans had all the tech he needs.

It's definitely coherent.

The North Pole is a real place and everything.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So first off, big thanks to Christopher for being the first to send us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, you can be part of our pilot program of Heath Reveals.

That's right.

For just $99.99, we'll send beloved podcast wildcard.

Heath then write to your home to reveal the unfortunate truths in your life.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Okay.

I'll actually do that one.

Put out snacks, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's going to eat the snacks one way or the other.

Hiding them just makes it awkward for everybody.

Exactly.

Yeah, it's like letting a horse in your house.

So the asshole this year comes to us from jolly old England in the form of Reverend Dr.

Paul Chamberlain during a religious education lesson at Lee on the Soulet Junior School in Hampshire.

Though, to be fair to Dr.

C, based on his physical appearance alone, this dude was either gonna spoil Santa for your kid or turn out to be a magical satyr who escaped Narnia after getting caught with child porn.

So you really only had yourself to blame for putting your kid in this class.

Okay, Eli, I put a picture of this guy in the notes.

Just from that, I am 100% certain his to-do list is trick Superman with a kryptonite Eucharist, first of all, and then yell at kids next to a mall Santa.

Just every day, that is the to-do list.

Yeah, exactly.

So according to the Telegraph, Chamberlain was addressing a religious education class of year sixes, which for us Americans is 10 and 11-year-olds, when he said, quote, you're all year six now.

Let's be real.

Santa isn't real.

And now let's stop being real.

We're done with the being real.

Yeah, he then apparently led the children in a doxastic exercise about cookies and milk.

According to one child interviewed by the Telegraph, quote, he was also saying what Santa likes.

Someone said, he likes cookies.

Then he said, do your parents like cookies?

And a lot of them said, yeah.

And then he said, how the parents were the ones that were eating it.

I heard a lot of gasps because they were shocked about it.

So

I don't think everyone knew.

Oh my God.

Also, kids, there's no farm upstate.

Your dog is fucking dead.

Dead.

Look at me.

Shot in the face like old yeller.

And your mom doesn't love you all equally.

She prefers your sister and you've known it this whole time, really deep down.

Exactly.

Yes.

The divorce is your fault, kids.

It is, though.

It is.

You did that.

Before you, they had love.

now the diocese has released an apology statement apparently we just need to start telling churches that fucking kids ruins their view of santa claus too but yeah here but we here at the scathing atheist would like to go one step further in our public service if you're an aggrieved parent in this situation we'd like to offer to do to paul chamberlain what he did to Santa, but about God.

Turns out Paul has wasted a lot more of his life on that belief than your kids kids did on the jolly guy in the red suit.

So, you know, let us know when we can make a FaceTime happy, everybody.

We'll get on it.

And finally, tonight, in Flat Earth 3, we'll get you nowhere new.

Fantastic.

Colorado pastor Will Duffy wants to settle the debate about the shape of the earth once and for all.

And you know what?

So do I.

Common ground with the pastor.

Common ground on ground.

Yeah.

Duffy, who is not a flat earther, by the way, heard about the flat earther movement and had a whole bunch of fellow Christians being adamant lunatics about it.

So he decided to set up a little expedition that would give us the real answers.

He went to Antarctica because there's no other way to know this.

He got together a group of flat earthers and a group of globe earthers

from like big spheroid, I guess.

And they all went to, well, either the southernmost part of the globe or the giant ring of ice around the edge of the flat planet.

If the globies are correct, they'll see 24 hours of sun, which is only possible on a rotating spheroid with axial tilt that faces the sun at this time of year.

And if the flatties are correct,

they're not correct.

They saw the midnight sun fucking obviously.

Okay, look, don't get me wrong.

I love the idea of spending our time and resources making idiots look stupid, but did this guy actually think evidence was going to change these people's mind?

They think the earth is flat.

Right.

Yeah, no.

Stay tuned for an updated model that allows for 24-hour sunlight at the rim of the planet.

The only good reason to take flat earthers to Antarctica is if you're planning on leaving them there.

And a big thanks to Kelly for sending a link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Heath, are you telling me that if listeners send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we can guarantee that Santa will bring them an iPhone 7 for Christmas?

No?

Oh, well, please send us news anyway.

Isn't the new one like the iPhone 18?

Yeah,

no, but the 7's the one.

The 7's the good one.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, hey, I want to just point out the iPhone on vinyl or something?

What's going on?

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Like my Atari.

I just want to point out that after Kelly said this story, I took her to an NFL game.

So past performance is no guarantee of future performance and all, but there is at least that chance.

Yeah, there's a chance Noah will take you to a football game if you send us news.

Escape the news at Geometic.

All right.

So let's talk about the details of the big expedition.

Pastor Duffy paid for the whole thing, including all the Globies and all the Flat Earthers who agreed to come along.

That's more than 30 grand a person.

Jesus.

Notably, prominent flat earther Mark Sargent, who we've talked about on a few different movies, we've talked to Marsh about him.

He was directly invited and he declined the trip.

So, yeah, I guess he was in on the hoax the whole time.

Now we know that.

Clearly.

But they did get a panel from both sides, and they headed out last week.

Pastor Duffy called it the final experiment, which was not a great pick for the title.

Yeah, wishful thinking.

Also, wishful thinking.

Okay, a pastor spending $30,000 a head to take idiots to the South Pole instead of whatever other evil shit pastor money is earmarked for in the first place.

That is the first objectively good thing to come out of Flat Eartherism.

Right.

And pastorism.

And we have both, yeah.

so really disease pasteurization yes i think that's right yeah makes the milk taste worse so here's the reasoning that's right shut the up man

It's like wearing a condom.

Same idea with milk.

Yeah.

I saw a thing the other day where a flat earth raw milk person was recommending boiling your milk before you.

Yes, I saw that.

It's so good.

Sorry, boiled raw milk.

Boiled raw milk.

Exactly.

Yeah.

You don't really have to get it all the way to boil deep.

It's not chunky anymore.

It's more like groves stand.

It's just pulp.

It's cool.

It's cool.

It breaks it up.

All right.

So

here's the reasoning from the flat earthers regarding Antarctica.

They like to claim that the international agreement called the Antarctic Treaty of 1959 prevents any civilian from visiting Antarctica and is therefore clearly part of the insidious hoax to hide the real shape of the planet, which they they believe is like big cookie with ice ring.

Apparently it's fine for all the military people to know about the cookie shape, but if that information was in civilian hands, fucking pandemonium.

But here's the problem.

That treaty is only ratified by 56 countries.

And more importantly, it doesn't say you can't go there.

It just says that nobody owns the continent.

And one excellent piece of evidence that a civilian can go there,

these people just went there.

Regardless, I'm I'm still not clear how the hoax would be like helpful for anything like quibono with that.

I don't know.

Okay, so the hoax is there to hide God,

ETH, because, and I'm serious, this is like, this is what a huge number of flat earthers believe.

The concept of a flat earth is so unjustifiable using existing physics, it could only be maintained by an omnipotent God.

I mean, they've got us there.

They do have us there.

I just think it's amazing that a conspiracy theory that involves every scientist, physicist, and of course, all the airline pilots has only remained in the hands of the few brave people with schizophrenia and con men.

What are the chairs?

YouTubers, yeah.

So, my favorite part of this whole thing is watching the reactions from the flat earthers who went on the trip.

These were activists who spent most of their time doing content creation in the flat earth space, which is like a real thing.

And they were psyched about poning the Globies during this trip.

They flew from all over the world down to the southern tip of Chile and then to Antarctica.

And they hiked over glaciers to find the right spot.

And then they saw the midnight sun and they were like, fuck.

Ah, all right.

All right, let's do the video that we agreed on.

The pastor made them all agree, like, you have to do a video at the end, no matter what happens.

So that video, it's beautiful.

It includes Jeron Campanella, a well-known flat earth YouTuber, who walked into the frame in a big snit and said, quote,

okay, sometimes you're wrong in life.

For some more than others, bro.

Yeah.

I thought there was no 24-hour sun.

In fact, I was pretty sure of it.

I realized I'll be called a shill for just saying that.

And you know what?

If you're a shill for being honest, so be us.

Oh, I know I'll be dismissed as a shill because that's what I would have done to me yesterday or if I had not been on this trip.

Right.

So that felt like a pretty good mea culpa, at least from a flat earth YouTuber, but then he fucking ruined it.

Campanella continued, what does it mean?

You'll have to figure it out.

To me, it means that the AE map, the Azimuthal equidistant or, you know, cookie with ice ring map, no longer works, but that doesn't mean I'm right, I guess.

End quote.

I mean, pretty much everything means that you're not right, man.

That's how things existing and your brain work.

Yeah, the exceptional thing here is that you had to travel to a whole different continent to see something that the rest of us can see from our backyards every time there's a lunar eclipse.

Big balloon and a GoPro, man.

Could have just.

Okay, so that guy's video is fun.

Of course, we also got a flat earther who literally saw the 24-hour sun and immediately invented a new hoax in his head.

No, you don't think that would be Austin Witsit, who responded to the firsthand evidence by saying, quote, I know a lot of people want to know what my take is in terms of how does it work and stuff.

Quick teaser, I have seen a physical demonstration that could show this working, but I do think that some of the data we're going to have from this trip will help to clarify if that's what's actually happening.

End quote.

He's seen a demonstration of how the 24-hour sun could still work on the flat Earth, I guess.

Right, but he's not going to tell us what it is, right?

He's like, oh, well, so I have a theory, but I'm going to wait to explain it until I'm no longer in a location where they could force me to watch them test it.

Yeah.

So my only regret here is that we didn't do a prank ahead of time.

We could have had Eli down there.

Eli, you could have been down there in Antarctica, dressed up like a, you know, like a lizard rabbi on the glacier.

And as soon as they see you, you like throw a smoke bomb, dive into a hatch.

You're like, they're on to us.

us, shut it all down, shut it all down, boop, close it.

Honestly, at this point, all we'd need is a smoke bomb.

Like, I'm ready.

Oh, all right, I'm in character.

And quick before Eli is forced to explain why he already has a rabbi lizard costume and access to an Antarctic hatch, we're gonna wrap up the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Yahtzee.

And when we come back, Mark will be here with some noms.

Oh, come on, man.

We're Marley and Marley.

Okay, I can only do so many episodes about this, guys.

Well, I didn't get a turn yet.

Yeah, Don didn't get a turn.

So, you gotta.

Hey, guys.

You yelling at Heath for not liking Muppet Christmas Carol?

Yes.

Yes, they are.

Make them stop, please.

Yep.

Okay, but Don didn't get a turn yet.

We have to move on from this.

All right, fine.

You guys ready for Bible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

I sure am.

Where were we, anyways?

The Gospel of Mark.

Nice.

All right.

So, little town of Bethlehem.

This is the manic.

So, about that, Matthew is heavily based on Mark, which means that, like, for this part, we're going to have to just focus on the differences.

Oh, no, we don't.

I mean, come on, how similar could the two be?

Well, out of Mark's roughly 661 verses, depending on the manuscript and the counting method, around 600 also appear in Matthew.

Oh.

So you mean like heavily?

Heavily.

Yeah.

Okay, but 61 verses.

I mean, is that enough stuff?

Well, we're about to find out.

Let's start with the stories that are in Mark but aren't in Matthew, starting with the parable of the seed in Mark 4, 26.

Tell us more about heaven, Jesus.

Yeah, these parables are great.

Okay, so you know how you plant seeds and then when you wake up, they sprout?

I mean, hypothetically.

Okay, well, anyways, that's what heaven was like.

Okay, got it.

Okay, so feedback segment.

Should we do a feedback?

I'll ask Tim for some shitty emails.

Guys, guys, that's just the first story that's in Mark that isn't in Matthew.

There are ones with a little bit more meat on the bone, like the healing of the deaf mute man in Mark 7:31.

Jesus, thank you so much for coming to Galilee.

Please, can you help our neighbor?

He is deaf and has a speech impediment.

No, I'm not, I'm not doing the voice.

They don't listen to podcasts either.

I said, I'm not doing the voice.

Fine.

Anyways, can you cure him?

Oh, sure, I can.

Let me just put the fingers and the ears here.

Okay.

Weird.

Weird.

Okay.

Gonna rub a little bit of this on your tongue.

This is really right there.

F-father.

Is it the green one from Wicked?

No, no, it's it's it means to be opened.

Oh, hey, I can hear.

Okay, great.

Don't tell anyone about this.

You rubbed your spit on my tongue.

Yeah, I'm going to tell pretty much everybody about that.

Okay, don't stop.

No.

Yes.

Okay, well, I can see why Matthew cut that one.

Yeah, no, it's pretty yucky.

All right.

Are there any other healings that we missed?

There sure are.

There's even even the one that takes two tries.

Two tries, you say?

Jesus, welcome to Bethsaida.

Oh, so happy to be here.

Thank you.

Yeah, so we were wondering if you could cure our blind guy.

Okay, seriously, I just got here.

Well, yeah, but if you wouldn't mind,

I told you we should have checked into our Airbnb first.

Okay, whatever.

Here we go.

Wow, that's right in my eyes.

Okay, yes, and you're healed.

You're welcome.

You see?

Okay, there we go.

Everyone looks like a tree walking.

Okay, well then how about a little this?

Ow!

Okay, is that better?

Yep.

Yep, now I can see.

Uh, Jesus, did your miracle just take two tries?

I said I'm tired, okay.

Okay, so we got an extra miracle and an extra parable.

Is that it?

No, no, I saved the best for last.

This book has the naked guy at Jesus's arrest.

Naked guy, you say?

Okay, so whoever I kiss is Jesus.

You guys know the deal.

Yeah, we were in Matthew.

Master.

Master.

Okay, Judas, I told you we got to get a safe word first.

That's him.

Arrest him.

Hi, yeah.

Aha, My fucking ear!

Peter?

Ah!

No!

No, I'm just some guy who was around in this version.

Why?

I don't know.

Seems like the vibe.

What?

Cutting off my ear was the vibe?

That was the vibe.

Yeah.

Come on.

Whatever.

Arrest these guys.

Let go of me.

Run away.

Hey, Jesus.

Was that guy with you just wearing a linen cloth and when we grabbed him, did it come away and he was naked underneath?

Oh, it would appear that way.

Yes.

Got it.

A little help?

Come off my ear.

No, I don't care.

You're in this version either.

Fuck.

And those are the stories in Mark that aren't in Matthew.

Okay.

So, um...

Ooh, God-awful Mimi, maybe.

I can see if Ray Comfort put anything on YouTube.

He's usually...

No need to go looking at Ray's YouTube just yet.

We've also got the stories that are different.

Different?

How?

Okay, so you remember the two demon guys and the pigs?

I do, yes.

All right, well, listen to this.

Finally, the Gatterans.

Excuse me.

Jesus, you mind taking care of this guy in town who's full of demons?

How do you people keep finding me?

Technically, this is earlier in the book.

Oh, oh, now we're doing timelines.

Anyway, anyway, he lives in the tombs and he's so wild that no man can restrain him.

When they tried chaining him up or locking him down, he just broke the chains and tore the locks to pieces.

He spends all day and night carving demonic symbols into his own flesh.

Okay, that's admittedly way scarier than the two guys who were in Matthew.

Right?

Okay,

then

here we go.

Stop, demon.

Oh my god.

Jesus?

Dude, I am like such a huge fan.

Oh, oh, um, hi.

I used to work with your dad.

I got cast down.

You probably don't even remember me, do you?

No, no, of course I remember.

No, you don't.

No, you don't.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Hey, do you mind if I stick around in this dude for a bit?

I'm doing like a super villain thing.

Okay, yeah, I heard with like the chains and everything.

Yeah.

Yeah, I kind of thought we were going to fight there for a little bit, but like.

Oh, no, absolutely not.

You are literally Jesus.

Like, I am aware as a demon that you're the son of God.

Well, I mean, yes, of course.

You are.

Yes, naturally.

Are there betrayals where demons just like

try to fight you anyway?

I mean, now that you mention it, it does seem really silly for that to happen.

Anyway, uh, pigs, you mind?

Pigs, yep, pigs, you got it.

Hey, hey, yeah,

you're dead for me.

Sure.

Well,

he was off-puttingly meta.

Right?

Let's see.

Peter doesn't also walk on water in the boat scene.

A little more description of the grass during the food miracles.

Seriously, Noah, grass description?

Well, I am working with what I have in front of me.

Look, the point is that all of Mark is stolen, and Matthew largely adds on to that.

Okay, so why didn't we do Mark first?

Oh, Eli refuses to read ahead for when we write these parts.

Oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Got it.

Okay, so there aren't that many differences, but there's got to be something we learned from Mark that we didn't learn from Matthew, right?

There sure is.

Okay, so what is it?

Hit it, Anna.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jesus.

I do whatever I please.

I'm like Ramona, God's Bezos.

And clearly, the Holy Spirit's Beverly Cleary.

See what I mean is: I'm a holy vessel.

Treat me like I'm special.

Come and cure your daughter, drown your piggies in the water.

And I'll ask you not to gossip cause it makes me look so humble.

But you will, and I'll grow to a roar from a rumble.

Do you want a holy holy fuck, boy?

I'll be your sacrificial scam.

Gonna fix all of your problems

like a genie inside a lamp.

Don't get too a taxi.

I'm a ledge kick.

You humans are nasty.

That's why my daddy sent me.

Follow me, or you'll end up in the fire.

Here, have a miracle, cause I'm the Messiah.

Yeah, bitch, that's right.

My daddy is the god of the Bible,

and he's pretty genocidal.

So, you better take me as your idol,

or I'll give you cramps so bad you'll need a midol.

I'll heal the puzzles with your gnarly hands, a leper and your mom, a paralytic, parasitic, and I'll pause a lightning storm.

Heal the death, mutant, bloody, raise your kiddos from the dead, cast out all your evil spirits, then I'll feed 4,000 men.

So call me what

fix a layer problem.

It's like a GD

side of lamb.

Don't get too attached, see.

I'm a lash key.

Kid humans are nasty, that's why my daddy sent me.

Hollow me, or you'll end up in the fire.

I'm the motherfucking messiah.

Yeah, who the fuck is Mark?

And why does he think he knows me?

Fifty years after I died, he writes a story about a bunch of fucking rumors told by con men and liars about some Jewish carpenter becoming the Messiah.

And we all know how the game of telephone goes.

Now play it over 40 years, so who the fuck knows?

And Matthew, Luke, and John were based off of this fucking gospel.

Accuracy seems pretty impunal.

Do you want a holy crock boy?

I'll be your sacrificial scam.

Gonna fix all of your problems.

Like a genie inside a lamb.

but don't get too a taxi.

I'm a latchkey.

Kid humans are nasty.

That's why my daddy said me.

Follow me or you'll end up in the fire

because I'm the Messiah.

Thank you, Anna.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to bring up the house that she just brought down for a couple of notes.

So, before we power down the recorder this week, I want to remind you that we will be off next week.

No episode next Thursday, but we'll be back the following week for our first episode of 2025.

So Merry Christmas if that's your jam.

And if not, sorry about the inherent weirdness of an atheist podcast taking Jesus' birthday off.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend God Off On Movies debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on the Tuesday after next because that show's off as well.

And an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show's Citation Needed, which will not be taking Christmas week off.

That'll be debuting at noon Eastern on on Wednesday, which I do believe is Christmas.

Obviously, I can't elevate the show from recording to addition if I neglect to thank Heath Enright for being the best present I've ever wanted to leave wrapped.

I want to thank Eli Bosnik for being lenient on the mistletoe rules a couple of times when he didn't really have to.

I want to thank Lucinda Lusions, who is the greatest gift of all.

I want to thank Don Ford for being the best darn snowman I've ever put a magical hat on to.

I also want to thank Anna Bosnik for elevating the show every time she shows up.

I also want to thank Glenn from Johannesburg for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and also for helping to redeem that accent a bit.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's merriest mammals, Inkfish on Pornhub, Theta, Melissa, Shannon, David, and Chris.

Inkfish and Theta, whose names sit smack in the middle between the naughty and nice list, Melissa and Shannon, whose elf on the shelf knows better than to fuck around, and David and Chris, who could stuff my stocking anytime.

Together, these six sexy secularists secured our sacrilegious screets for another season by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash scathing atheists, whereby you'll learn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadious.com.

And if you'd like to help, but we're gonna have to wait until after the silly season to get your money, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, or find all the content info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

You know, we have some like football-hating listeners that are like, oh, thank God, a commercial.

I was really getting bored with the

whatever, nerds, give this to heath.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2024, All rights reserved.

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Thank goodness.

What was that site?

That's leaffilter.com/slash day for your free gutter inspection today.

See representative for warranty details.

Promotion is 20% off plus a 10% senior or military discount, one discount per household.