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Warning, the following podcast contains adult language in its most juvenile form.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile, BetterHelp, and by the new cell phone service for speaking in tongues, Testament Mobile.

Testament Mobile, because we don't understand what the fuck you're saying when you speak English either.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

G'day, mates.

It's Harley from Down Under.

I recently heard from a relative of mine that there was an American doing a speaking route in Oz, a swell guy with some great points.

Apparently that fucker was Tucker Carlson.

And all I can think is that you yanks are finally getting payback for Ken Ham.

Fair cop, either one of those bosses is proof enough that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, filthy monkey men and women.

It's Thursday.

It's October 24th, and it's National Mole Day.

Well, mole, so let's raise a glass and make an Avogadro toast.

No illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Ethan Wright.

And from Derek, Cheeters, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, the Catholic Church gives a whole new meaning to Powerball Lotto.

Somebody finally connects the dots between hurricanes and eating babies.

And we'll open up the trunk Eli keeps Don Ford in once again.

First, the diatribe.

Well, I sure hope everybody remembered to wish the Earth a happy birthday yesterday.

In case you were unaware, she turned 6,028 on October 23rd of this year.

Doesn't look a day over 4,000.

This is, of course, according to no lesser authority than the Bible.

Specifically, from the calculations of Archbishop James Usher of Armagh, a highly esteemed 17th century scholar who took it upon himself to calculate the age of the universe by counting backwards through all the pre-Christ generations in the Bible.

And of course, if the Bible's true, you should be able to more or less do exactly that.

It might not be able to be exact because it didn't always say exactly how old person X was when person Y was born, but it does have God creating the universe and then tells a linear story from that point forward to the birth of Jesus and beyond.

And since the birth of Jesus is already the cornerstone of our dating system, it stands to reason that a determined scholar could retro date the let there be light moment to within a couple of years.

Of course, Usher went a bit beyond that and pinpointed a precise date.

The first day of creation was October 23rd of 4004 BC, which was of course a Sunday.

Having established that, he went on to precisely date all the other big happenings of the Bible.

For example, Adam and Eve would have been kicked out of the Garden of Eden on Monday, November 10th, and Noah's Ark would have settled into Mount Ararat on May 5th of 1491 BC.

It would have been a Wednesday.

Now, this is often presented as a great example of how silly the scholarship of the day was, but we shouldn't dismiss the academic rigor that Usher put into all these calculations because sure, the Bible doesn't always give precise dates, but he wasn't just using the Bible.

He also factored in a bunch of other histories and what was known from the nascent archaeology of the day.

And this dude was a very serious and highly regarded scholar of his day, and he was, no doubt, a really smart dude, definitely smarter than me.

And look, if you start with the idea that the Bible is true, you set aside inerrant and just assume that it's based in reality.

This undertaking is far from silly, right?

It's no more silly than our current efforts to date the solar system's formation.

And honestly, the rigorous scholarship he put into this nonsensical conclusion is a good chunk of the reason academia was eventually able to see past the Bible as a historical document at all.

See, for centuries after Usher's initial calculations, various scholars tweaked his numbers, adjusting the universe's age, a decade, this way, a century, that way, etc.

But the basic assumption that you could drill down to a definitive answer using the Bible went more or less unquestioned all the way up into the 1800s.

That's when we started looking at shit like the Grand Canyon and realizing that we needed to add a bunch of zeros to the age of the planet.

But because so many people had so thoroughly calculated the Earth's age using the Bible as their source, we knew that there was no way at all to reconcile that source with this reality.

The Bible simply could not be true.

The book that had served as the primary source for historical, theological, philosophical, moral, and scientific knowledge for the last 1500 years and then some was summarily refuted by a fucking rock.

And it was refuted not because people thought it was silly, but because people took it seriously.

So at QED every year, they give out a skeptic of the year award called the Occam Award.

And we picked on Marsh quite a bit about this in the past, but it's a very cool thing.

And the guy who won this year was a dude with the unlikely name of Dr.

Flint Dibble.

And what earned him the award was absolutely destroying some lost city of Atlantis jackass in a debate on the Joe Rogan show.

And what made his debate performance so award-worthy wasn't that he was able to scoff at the silliness of the belief real good.

It was that he took the shit seriously.

He took their conspiracy theories seriously and he asked, what would the actual results of this be if it were true?

He took their arguments seriously and asked, what would I find sufficient to refute this belief if it was a belief of my own?

He took the opportunity seriously and he did mock debates.

And in those mock debates, his opponent took his role seriously and tried to genuinely reflect what an intelligent person who believes in the lost city of Atlantis would say and do.

There is no way to refute a belief that you refuse to take seriously.

And look, that's not to say that you have to take other people's beliefs seriously.

I certainly don't.

I make my whole damn living not taking other people's beliefs seriously, but I'm not trying to convince anybody to change their mind with this show,

Ours is a show for people who already rejected all the God nonsense.

But in my personal life, I've got the same situation you probably have where a lot of my friends and family have harmful, irrational, and dangerous beliefs.

And I know that if I want to change their minds, I have to be willing to take that belief seriously enough to understand how they came to them.

So congratulations to Dr.

Dibble for the award, and thanks for reminding us that even the dumbest claims sometimes deserve an intelligent rebuttal.

They're talking about your Jesus.

We interrupt this

Joining me for headlines tonight of the bacon and eggs to mice, sausage, grilled tomato, baked beans, fried mushroom, bubble and squeak, black pudding and toast, Heath and Wright, and Eli Bosnik.

Fellas,

who the fuck is up with English people?

They're like to party.

That's what's happening.

It's like they kept adding foods to the plate in hopes they'd beat bacon and eggs, and they just, you know, gave up two dishes after they should have.

Sure.

Yeah, well, now that all our...

They're not even doing bacon right.

No, they aren't.

Right.

Well, okay, now that all our British listeners are hungry and all our non-British listeners are whatever the opposite of hungry is, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Mint Mobile.

Horny.

Yeah, so I was thinking maybe we just do Jamba Juice at the airport.

Eli?

Ah, damn it, no signal again.

Hey, Heath, what's up with Eli?

He looks even more glassy-eyed than usual.

Yeah, it's his cell phone service.

I guess he got the new iPhone 22, the one that goes like directly into your brain or whatever.

But the bill is really pricey, so big wireless has been shutting him down when he forgets to pay the bill.

What's Mint Mobile?

You pay your bill.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, look, I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks.

It has to be easy.

No hoops, no BS.

So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called him on it.

Turns out it really was that easy to get wireless for $15 a month.

The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with my old provider.

Sounds confrontational, Noah.

$15 sounds amazing, but I get to keep my old phone.

This one's connected to my childhood memories.

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Thanks, Noah.

That's.

Did he miss his bill again?

No, it's a software update, I think.

We're going to be be here for a while then, huh?

Yeah, let's take off.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, the Archdiocese of Los Angeles finds itself nearly a billion dollars poorer this week after it agreed to the largest single child sex abuse settlement in the history of child rape.

That total comes to $880 million.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!

Yeah, which is going to be split between 1,353 victims.

I don't know if we should do morning show signs.

Yeah, probably

I was going to do a sad one.

Give me a chance.

Bing, bing, bing, bing.

Okay, much better.

Balance it out.

Thank you.

Sensitive.

In response, victims' attorneys released a joint statement concluding that, quote, while there is no amount of money that can replace what was taken from these 1,353 brave individuals who have suffered in silence for decades, there is justice and accountability.

End quote.

Okay.

Let's hope the concept of accountability is worth a bunch because the total number of dollars is just above the contract for one single player on the L.A.

Dodgers.

Yeah.

I mean, Shohei's really good at baseball, but still.

Yeah.

Also, yeah, I should point out, like, we've seen a lot of right-wing and Catholic outlets comparing this to like lotto wins, but I'll remind you, these victims aren't like walking away with $650,000 of pocket money, right?

There's legal fees and medical bills, and many of these cases are decades old.

So while the church would love to portray this as some kind of massive payout for victims, it's actually just getting most of these victims out of the financial burden they went under to get justice in the first place.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, and importantly, nobody would trade their experience for $650,000.

Sure wouldn't.

Yeah, sure.

And if you're wondering whose record they broke with this settlement, by the way, it appears to be their own.

Oh, they're like that swimmer lady.

Yeah, Yeah, right.

So as near as I can tell, the previous record for the largest settlement any archdiocese ever paid out was $740 million.

And that was this very same archdiocese back in 2014.

But then the California legislature passed one of those look back laws that we've talked so much about on this show.

These are the laws that temporarily suspend or extend the statute of limitations on child sex abuse claims because apparently eliminating the finish line for child rapists altogether isn't politically palatable for some people.

Yeah, it seems like a crazy thing to have a ribbon for at the finish sure yeah like i guess if we just keep moving the ribbon back i'm cool with it like sisophian labor maybe we could throw getting away with child rape back and forth over the catholic church's head yeah you know see seems like the least we could do at this point right but but the end result is that instead of being capped at 26 year olds victims as old as 40 could file suit against the archdiocese it also added a clause that said you could sue if you were within five years of finding out that your psychological psychological problem stemmed from past church abuse, which to be clear is not always obvious.

And the end result was at least some measure of justice for these 1,300-plus victims.

But when you consider that there were only 500 some victims when they were capped at 26 and 1,300 more when they were capped at 40, it's safe to assume that there's about 4,500 41 to 70 year old victims that still haven't seen shit.

Right.

But hey, Bill Donahue, you should definitely keep acting like kids have a lotto ticket tucked between their butt cheeks on your blog.

Like, that's really tasteful.

Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Really tasteful.

It's making our job way easier.

And by the way, every fucking story that you will see about this in the mainstream press, which is disturbingly few, by the way, is going to make room for all the vociferous apologies and heartfelt statements of sympathy from the Archbishop running the Archdiocese now.

But not all of those stories will make room for a detailed list of all the efforts that that very same archdiocese employed to prevent the look back law from being passed and all the ways they fought its implementation.

Look, if they were not still the active bad guys in this, they'd have settled these claims without the state legislature having to pass a special fucking law and they'd be actively seeking out the 41 and older victims trying to find a way to offer restitution to them as well.

And in goat to the doctor news.

Jesus Christ.

That's my worst one in a while.

And it's also like, and I set you up to have to follow this like indignant rant about child sex abuse claims and stuff.

And then but if anyone was up to that test,

it was me, the bing, bing, bing, noises guy.

Yep, yep.

Okay, fair.

The satanic temple opened their second telehealth abortion facility to provide religious abortion services to the women of Virginia this week.

And you know what that means?

What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out.

That's right.

Christians everywhere are freaking out about the right-to-your your life satanic abortion clinic, which should not be confused with the temple's first clinic, which opened in 2023 and is named, how did I not know slash remember this, the Samuel Alito's Mom Satanic Abortion Clinic.

Yeah, I love the energy.

Feels like a big step down name-wise, though, here.

So call us satanic abortionists.

We'll help.

By which I mean Heath will help me and Eli.

Yeah, thank you.

I won't do it.

I'm more into character-based humor than wordplay.

there we go

maybe eli can do it sure maybe a verse do you want a verse we can create a verse for you anyways the zygote man there you go

come on you can't help yourself can't help yourself like roger rabbit behind the door you're shaking

Anyways, the clinic will offer 24-7 access to its destruction ritual that serves as a protective right in the form of medically induced abortion delivered safely and legally to the patient's home.

And what I loved about this article is they were having absolutely none of the BS from the various Christian outlets in a panic about the so-called dangers of telehealth.

With Aaron Hayhan, the executive director of TST, telling the Christian Post, quote,

We do not agree with the notion that telehealth care puts patients at risk.

Instead, we argue that by expanding care and access, telehealth clinics like ours can save lives, end quote.

Yeah, no, but if these assholes think that health care of access is the problem, that explains their opposition to obamacare at least yeah well after the purge there's more access for the survivors of the purge so that's right yeah no that's their political philosophy i just described very very aligned with the purge yeah side note as a response to the satanic temple pointing out that medically induced abortion is usually comparable to a heavy period the christian post wrote this quote According to the Mayo Clinic, side effects of the abortion pill regimen can include vaginal bleeding, sweating,

vomiting, and pain in various parts of the body.

And quote the one that doesn't belong.

Heavy period.

So I guess they're counting on their readers not knowing what a heavy period is, thinking that they've refuted the point.

Because

all their readers are either men or have been consecutively pregnant for so long, they've forgotten what menstruation was like, right?

Yeah, that's nonsense.

But I'm curious, did the Mayo Clinic mention the symptoms of

dying anywhere in their literature about that?

Like for comparison did they mention or or pregnancy perhaps yeah

how that rates in discomfort being a child who can't be supported by parents yeah that too

but my favorite freak out in response to this news comes at the end of the article i read in the christian post where they once again related to me the testimony of christian liar and crazy person elizabeth Gillette.

Oh, fuck her.

Yes.

So if you haven't heard of Elizabeth Gillette, you might remember her for telling her harrowing lie outside of the Supreme Court when they were overturning Roe vs.

Wade.

She said,

I ended up in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor, and I ended up holding the transparent amniotic sack with a recognizable baby inside.

What?

And I had to flush my baby.

Nobody told me that was even a possibility.

They told me that there would just be some clotting.

Just before I flushed it, it looked me right in the eye and it croaked, kill

me.

I mean, they gave me a to-go container, but not like a sealed one.

It was one of those cheap cardboard box ones with the flaps and the podcast.

It's the worst.

It's the worst.

So, yeah.

Get the plastic.

Yeah, obviously.

Yeah.

So, looks like the Satanic Temple will be giving out even more party balloons full of fully formed math professors to the world's toilets soon.

Big congrats for using the telehealth loophole to do it.

There you go.

And in Eucharist control news,

it's really hard to be a white Christian person in America these days, you guys.

Like really hard, especially if you're Catholic.

With all the persecution happening, the best you can hope for in life is like,

well, literal sitting president of the United States, but it's going to be tough along the way.

And we got the latest example of that systemic, pernicious bigotry against Catholics last week.

when Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer made fun of the very serious ritual in which Catholic people eat a cracker that's made of the human flesh of a rabbi from the first century.

That is very serious.

Yep.

And if Catholics heard Heath describe it that way, the best they could do in terms of like rescuing it with refutation from its insanity is like to indignantly replace cracker with wafer.

We call it wafer.

Not baked.

You made it sound ridiculous.

And a big thanks to Hemet Mehta over at the Friendly Atheist for covering the story.

Check out friendlyatheost.com for some great articles and send them to scathingnews at gmail.com if you find a good one, just in case we miss it.

For his tireless work, Hemet gets to cancel whatever problematic foot-based things Eli's promised him in the past as so-called gifts.

Yep.

Yeah, that's both a special thank you to Hemet and a court-ordered condition of Eli's release.

Still counts.

Okay, I told the judge the ankle monitor was itchy.

He

wasn't open.

Okay, so here's how Gretchen Whitmer is persecuting the Catholics.

She gave someone a Dorito.

Anna?

What our God is talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out.

That's right.

Yeah.

We have one of the first Christian freakouts about a Dorito.

I was originally assuming it had to be the first about a Dorito, but then I remembered.

who we're talking about and of course we've seen freakouts by one million asterisk moms about the demonic smut known as Doritos commercials multiple times.

Hell yeah, we have.

So Governor Whitmer was doing an interview with Liz Plank in a podcast segment called Chip Chat, and they were discussing, among other things, the Chips Act of 2022, which supports the domestic production of semiconductors and computer chips.

And as a promo video, they reenacted a viral meme.

in which one person is shown eating a bite of food, and then the camera pans over to show show their friend being the reluctant feeder of the food and they're kind of angry about it.

It's weird.

I don't get it.

Get off my lawn.

But that's why Governor Whitmer feeds a chip to Liz Plank in the video.

Well, the conservative Catholic lunatic machine got wind of this and cried persecution and demanded an apology from Gretchen Whitmer for making fun of their very serious Holy Communion thing.

Okay, if I'm Gretchen, I'm taking this as a one-free making fun of communion pass.

Right.

They already got pissed about it.

Now she gets to call it fucking Jesus pieces during a big speech or something like that.

It's only fair.

To be clear, their argument is feeding people stuff is our thing.

And, you know, just wait till they hear about all the anti-Catholic mockery that's going on down at Gerber.

So immediately following the release of that promo video, the Michigan Catholic Conference released the following strongly worded statement.

They are in a snit.

Quote, the skit goes further than the viral online trend that inspired it, specifically imitating the posture and gestures of Catholics receiving the Holy Eucharist, in which we believe that Jesus Christ is truly present.

It is not just distasteful or strange.

It's an all-too-familiar example of an elected official mocking religious persons and their practices.

End quote.

Yeah.

An all too familiar example of a thing that's literally never happened in American fucking history and still isn't happening.

Yeah.

That you're doing right now, that you're lying about happening right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also, even if it weren't a lie, this is just like all the other times people mock us for our stupid ideas is not the reflection of how seriously I should take your ideas that you think it is.

Right.

And they think they got like their posture and gesture stolen, like the taking a bite with your mouth up a little bit.

That's theirs as an angle.

We invented different angles.

Right.

It's insane.

And just for context, Hemet pointed out that Stephen Colbert did a version of the meme as well.

And he's so famously Catholic, he got invited to meet Pope Francis.

But apparently that is neither here nor there.

We got freak outs from the New York Post and Fox News.

And of course, Catholic League president and racist uncle of Shrek, who gets kicked out of Thanksgiving dinner, Bill Donahue.

According to Bill, Gretchen Whitmer's behavior was an expression of vintage anti-Catholic bigotry.

I like the old stuff.

Yeah.

He released an official statement saying, quote, what Whitmer did was to deride Holy Communion.

There is no...

wiggle room for her to deny the obvious.

What Whitmer did is political suicide.

And I should know I'm the baby rape isn't that bad mouthpiece for the largest holders of Nazi gold in the world.

Yeah, so the story ends with an apology from Gretchen Whitmer, which is insane.

But, okay.

Don't flinch, Gretchen.

Here's the thing.

To her credit, she made sure to phrase that, you know, quote apology as, basically, I'm sorry, stupid people got offended because they're stupid.

If you imagine the apology in the extremely patronizing, sarcastic tone that was clearly intended by Whitmer, it's kind of amusing.

She said, what was supposed to be a video about the importance of the CHIPS Act to Michigan jobs has been construed as something it was never intended to be.

And I sincerely apologize for that.

She's great.

I'm so proud that she's my governor.

Well, right.

Yeah, no, to be clear, she's apologizing for what they did, right?

She didn't construe her own fucking statement.

Exactly.

Seems like it hurt you all to be that stupid.

So.

Sorry about it.

And speaking of people who get worked up about malicious Dorito feeding, it's time for a break for our other sponsor this week, BetterHelp.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Come on.

Come on.

Where is it?

Hey, Eli.

What's the matter?

Yeah, did you steal something from the middle school again?

No, me and the eighth graders call the truce.

No, it's marsh he's coming over and i'm trying to figure out which personality he wants to see which personality yeah you know series of masks covering something long dead all that yeah elite you know that's not healthy right oh okay so what am i supposed to do just cry the whole time i see anybody all the time not that either hey um just forever apropos of nothing have you considered therapy Oh, I'd love to try therapy, Heath, but who has the time to schlep to a therapist's office?

Well, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

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Thanks, guys.

Hey,

you guys like the real me, right?

Huh?

Yeah.

Improvised perfection.

And in the devil wears Gada.

Oh, you're nailed.

Hell yeah.

You did it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look out, Paris.

There's a new capital of fashion in town.

I'm talking, of course, about that bastion of delicious avocado toast and helpful Pokemon card salesmen everywhere.

Salt Lake City, Utah, where Mormons will soon be seen strutting the runway in

sleeveless magic underwear boots.

Boots, I say.

What's next?

Naked piano legs and visible bartenders?

My God.

All right, this magical undershirt is great.

I love it, but Lamanites aren't attacking my arms with evil magic as much as they used to.

And

if I wear a sundress, I look like Kim Davis.

Can we fix this?

They did.

There has to be a better way.

They fixed it.

Yeah.

So, first off, big thanks to Steve, who sent us this news to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Steve, I've been throwing like three or four cloves of minced garlic into a jar of pickles.

Give it a little extra zing.

And I wasn't going to tell anybody about it, but thanks to you sharing news with us at scathingnews at gmail.com.

You've won yourself, nay, the world, this life hack.

A life hack.

Hey, Steve, Eli's life hack about pickles, it's also available from a pretty obscure company.

It's called, what was it?

Vlasic.

So check it out if you can find them at like a specialty grocery or whatever.

They stole it from me already.

That email was open zero days before you guys made it weird.

That's true.

It was zero days.

Anyways, this news comes to us from none other than the Salt Lake Tribune Herald with the headline, rejoice, LDS women.

These new garments will open up more fashion options, which is pretty problematic since this is an option for both men and women.

But yes, with the temple's full approval, those lonely teenagers who poop with the door open are going to be a little less hot, temperature-wise.

Yeah, no, same amount of hot.

Okay, but

when the rash of Mormon women bleeding out after getting shot in the shoulder comes, we all know who to blame for this, right?

This is Achilles' mom all over again.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And I should point out that this is a real problem for Mormons.

As the Tribune points out in a 2023 survey, nearly half of the active members, 45%, said there is a right and wrong way to wear the magic underwear.

And more than half, 59%, said they felt judged for how they wear them, which means 41% of Mormons.

don't know that we're judging them.

We need to up our games, fellas.

We need to get in there.

But think about this.

This religion is so fucked up that it makes half of its members, more than half of its members, anxious about whether they're wearing their underwear right.

And again, 41%

think they're rocking the magical underwear, like super cool.

Nobody's judging.

But now everyone can have like one shoulder unclipped, like overalls in the 90s, just strutting around proudly.

Look, finally.

Yes.

And look, I know this seems silly to us because it is, but any step that frees women from weird, oppressive sexist underwear is a good one, even if it's far from perfect.

And as one adorably committed Mormon wrote to the Tribune in an email, quote, Wouldn't it be great if my daughter or nieces could one day choose the garment slip most suited to her wedding dress or go to a professional conference with a shell garment top that neither puts her at risk of overheating with a jacket or immodest exposure without one?

Hashtag goals.

Frankly,

these redesigns get us much closer to that future than I thought would happen in my lifetime.

And saddest quote a grown-up who's not dying has ever said.

Oh my God, that delicate balancing act between overheating, a condition that can and does kill people, and immodest exposure, which is some weird bullshit prudish men made up when they were mad at their dicks.

Yeah, so congrats to the Mormons on the short sleeves.

Another way too late move towards modernity.

And hey, if there are any missionaries listening, sun's out, guns out, boys.

There's a new way to win hearts and minds in town.

You know what I'm saying?

Two tickets, baby.

Two tickets.

And finally tonight, in all roads lead to adrenochrome news.

Fantastic.

That's the title of my book about QAnon, by the way.

Yes.

TMTMT.

The latest chapter wrote itself this week when we learned about the connection between hurricanes and sex trafficking.

So we all know that Hurricane Helene was caused by a deep state weather gun that was attacking the southeast United States in order to punish them for fighting back against the woke mind virus.

But there was a silver lining.

The devastating flooding in Asheville, North Carolina actually washed out a bunch of the

the non-Euclidean underground fuck tunnels that were definitely there.

And we heard about an operation by

vigilante heroes in the U.S.

military.

Of course, the military is part of the evil deep state.

So the good people in the military, they got to go rogue.

And these white hats in the U.S.

military, they captured a sex trafficking kingpin known as

the high horseman along with his team of henchmen.

Huh.

Okay, here's the thing.

Conspiracy theories require that the bad guys keep getting away with it so that they don't get proven wrong, right?

So, now I'm very intrigued to hear about this doll dressed as Barack Obama that these people arrested, right?

Also, by the way, non-Euclidean underground fuck tunnel should be a euphemism for butt stuff, but only if you're flexible, yeah, right, the best of but the butt stuff.

Okay, so you're probably thinking, first of all, that's a great euphemism for butt stuff.

Love it.

You're also thinking, hold on, Heath, I'm pretty plugged in when it comes to the news.

How did you find out about this massive story?

Well, you're not as plugged in as you might think.

I love that I made you say this line about being plugged in and massive stories right after a reference to Animal.

Yeah, exactly.

It's all coming together.

Okay, well, you're not as plugged in as you think.

For example, I'm guessing many of you sheeple are just following the lamestream media all the time and you never bother checking in with.

Telegram.

Maybe you buy drugs there, but you're not putting in the effort to find the real news there.

I'm doing both.

In particular, there's a very important channel on Telegram called Ginger's Liberty Lounge.

It's hosted by a woman named Ginger, and her job is ambassador for God's abundance with the new Earth Alliance God's Daughter of Jubilee.

Still clunky on the business card, but that is her official self-proclaimed title.

Huh.

Afgauniag.

Never mind.

Nope.

No, I made it worse.

Never mind.

Okay.

What I love about my Telegram experience is that I, like Heath, am exclusively buying drugs on there, but all my suggested channels are because Marsh's number is in my phone and they are all next

banana.

Your friend Marsh likes the Flat Earth Society dot lizard Jew.

Yeah, well, speaking of which, here's what we learned from Ginger.

According to her post last week, which she calls Gintel,

because because ginger and intel.

She's the heart and soul of the telegram.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That's pretty soft.

According to her Jintel, quote, at the end of last week, a helicopter piloted by a masked individual hovered above a relief area and many supplies were blown around and many were destroyed.

At first, the meaning was not understood.

Rescuers in the Asheville, North Carolina area have found numerous bodies of babies floating down the flooded river, plus the remains of people the locals did not recognize.

Many of the adult bodies were also not from that local community.

End quote.

It's a fucking weird system they've got where they're passing around bloated corpses to the locals going, this guy looked familiar to you?

Yeah, everyone knows you got to pile them up and use a dib system, obviously.

Yeah, that would make more sense.

So just for the record, the broader meaning of the helicopter thing was

helicopters were there.

And the mask was the helmet that helicopter pilots often wear.

But that still doesn't explain the terrifying parade of floating baby corpses.

Now, some would argue that nothing explains that because that didn't happen.

Others, however, like Ginger, the real journalists, would argue that, yes, it did happen.

And it's no coincidence that we finally apprehended the high horseman at the same time in nearby Candler, North Carolina.

She calls him one of the biggest human traffickers ever and mentions how he eluded authorities for 30 years by having 18 facial reconstructive surgeries.

And also,

Candler, North Carolina is a known hotbed of the Wiccan community.

by which she means they have a crystal shop.

I'm pretty sure that's the entire evidence for that.

Yeah, unfortunately, so by the 18th reconstruction, he'd kind of just looped back around to looking like he did in the first place.

That's how they get you, though.

Yeah, there's only so many different faces.

If you're being spotted so often that you have to change your face surgically once a fortnight, you're not a great sex trafficker, right?

What are you, fucking Mike Moorheim?

Like, how'd you become a kingpin?

Delegate, man.

And if you're a little skeptical about how Ginger gets her Gintel, don't worry.

She explains.

She's been chosen by the White Hats to be their official journalist who exposes the truth.

Also, she talks with angels.

Oh, that helps.

Yeah.

So, two sources.

Ginger continued.

I received confirmation from my Celestial Alliance contacts that the High Horseman serviced Diddy, as well as many known politicians and elites the celestial alliance also confirmed for me that the high horseman has ties to the criminal cartel south of the border as this was explained to me by

archangel michael yeah so i appreciate verifying with multiple sources i do but if one of your sources is the archangel michael like a group of hacker guys isn't adding to the credibility right hey i know you're a a giant floating eyeball surrounded by rings upon rings of wings, but I do need to double check this with a guy in Georgia who says he's going to double.

I can't put gentail on something I want to verify.

Journalistic standards of practices got to have two.

It's okay.

I'll wait here.

Be not afraid.

You mentioned, I got it.

I'm losing delusions.

Okay, so.

Now you're probably thinking, all right, sounds plausible,

but what kind of mathematical evidence backs up the information from Ginger?

That is what I was asking.

The answer is, Eli, Gematria.

Of course.

That would be the magical alpha numerology system that we learned about a few weeks ago from Marsh in the Who's Woo segment about a guy named Tommy Numbers.

In Gematria, in case you missed it, you assign a number to a letter of the alphabet and then

end of system.

You just add stuff and find other stuff that also adds to numbers.

Well, according to Ginger, quote, I have received numerous shout outs on the Gematria board from QComs and even Trump campaign texts.

When decoded, they point to my role in the plan with my name, Ginger, and the descriptions nearby.

Ginger, say,

pure, truth, teacher, be ready, and boom.

So apparently all those things like add to similar numbers.

Continuing.

And the Gematria board even includes my real name, Evelyn.

And the words nearby Evelyn are child of God, prayer, and God bless.

I'm the real deal, and I do not share BS.

I feel like you do, though.

You do, you

shouldn't have kept talking.

You have a message.

She does, though.

She continues one more time.

For some reason, the White Hats gave me a seat at the table and I was supposed to emerge for such a time as this.

And like Esther of old, I want nothing more than to see the freedom and liberty for my countrymen and for all of humanity.

End quote.

Okay.

I feel like either Ginger didn't read the story of Esther or she did and that's a really subtle plug for her OnlyFans.

You know what I'm saying?

Esther like did the dance for King Haman and talked him into not doing a genocide, right?

even better she did a double stamp a triple stamp with a naked dance she was like you like this naked dance he was like so much and she was like kill someone who tries to kill me and he was like absolutely babe and then she was like it's him

just like ginger got it so now the q anon squad is busy circulating this story this gentel and making their own new connections We, I'm pretty sure, took away their right to use therefores, but I guess they switched it over to like Hence and Ergo.

And now

how Gloria Vanderbilt is a witch who's behind the whole thing.

Gloria Vanderbilt died in 2019, by the way.

Or did she?

Either way, the Vanderbilt family owns the famous Biltmore estate in Asheville.

So

eating babies.

And of course, eating babies gets you the superfood called adrenochrome.

which apparently has, I don't know, the best flavor when it's harvested from baby organs instead of full-size adult organs that would have probably more of it.

It's not clear what they're doing there.

No, it's like it's the veal of oxidized biomolecules.

That's what they've always said.

That's what they say.

More tender, less gamey.

Bottom line, these people are allowed to vote and in a swing state.

The ones in North Carolina.

So vote in a swing state.

Mustache and glasses if you're not from a swing state.

Whatever you got to do.

Nothing is too big to rig.

Yeah.

Red states too.

Also vote in your red states, too.

Yep.

Then vote the swing states.

Deepest of red states, you should still vote.

And with that desperate reminder, we're going to close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Chewmanji.

And when we come back, the Bible will be here to remind you why we can't let its people decide the fucking election.

They vote.

You have to vote.

Vote some more, please.

God damn it, vote.

So not even a FaceTime from inside?

Not even a FaceTime, Don.

I think they have Android phones.

If I had gone to a weed cafe, I would have FaceTimed.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

You ready for Rebible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

I sure am.

Oh, hey, Don.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Eli told me he's in a mental health crisis.

Because I went to the Pug Cafe without him.

Yes, because you went to the pug cafe without him, yes.

How many episodes is this going to be, Eli?

11.

Okay.

Anyway, where did you guys get with Cecil while I was gone?

So Jesus was telling everyone the world was going to end and they were going to be really sorry.

Can you be more specific?

He told a bunch of boring and meaningless stories to prove his point.

Still not specific enough.

Right, yeah.

Matthew 25, 31.

That'll work.

Okay, so now it's time for more.

You'll be sorry when my dad gets here.

Say, Jesus, what's it gonna be like when we all stand before your father in heaven?

Oh, I am so glad you asked, because it'll be just like this.

Like this.

Like this.

Oh, you're doing it.

I think you can just wait for the doodle to do.

Oh, no, I wanted to do like the voice echo you saying.

Yeah, okay.

All right, everybody, stand before me, Christians on the right, and um

everyone else on the left, I guess.

I feel like we should stand on the right anyway, right?

Oh, yeah, and no cheating.

I'll know if you're cheating.

I'll know if you're cheating.

Damn it.

Anyway, Christians, just want to thank you for housing me and clothing me, breaking me out of prison, all that stuff.

I'm super grateful you guys did great.

But, Mr.

God, we didn't do any of that stuff.

Oh, well, verily I say unto you, insomuch as ye have done unto one of the least of these, my brethren, ye have done unto me.

Come on, that's pretty good.

No, it's not.

What?

Dude, seriously?

I know, I know.

Everybody holds this up as this amazing thing because Jesus says it in the Bible, but it's absolutely not that great.

Liz Warren called it the foundation of her religious belief, you toothless slattern.

Heath, let's hear him out.

Hudge-eyed rube.

Noah.

You were saying.

So look, I know that modern Christianity interprets the least of these to mean the poorest and the most needy in society, but that's not what it means.

It's not.

No.

I'm sorry I said Pajaid Rube.

I don't even know what I'm saying.

I don't even know what that meant.

In context of the verse and the last story, where he sent his disciples out to be put up in other people's houses, he's very clearly referring to his disciples when he says the least of these,

not the poor and the needy.

So God's not saying be nice to the poor, he's saying be nice to his disciples.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, what does he say about the poor then?

Well, let's read on.

And as for the rest of you, you will go into fire and torment, you know, everlasting punishment.

So.

Because we were mean to your disciples?

Exactly.

Oh, wow, Jesus, that's really harsh.

Yeah, well, it's Passover in two days, and I'm going to be crucified, so.

Wait, what?

I said we should do something for Passover.

Maybe put a bunch of tables together.

I'll sit on one side, do a little brunch thing, or maybe later.

I don't know.

It feels like that would be hard to reach things.

Okay, I'm thinking of the Graham.

It will be better for the Graham.

Right.

Man, did you hear all that stuff about the sheep and the goats?

I sure did.

I tell you, we gotta kill this Jesus fella.

Yeah, but we can't do it this week because it's Passover, right?

Right, right.

The people won't like that, so we kill him after Passover.

Excellent, yeah.

Which reminds me, are you guys going to the Seder at the Schwarz's?

Ah, I don't know.

It's like super long at the Schwartz's.

So long.

Well, I don't want to go if you guys aren't going, so you have to tell me.

No, we should go.

We should go.

So you guys are going?

I feel like you're tricking me into going by saying...

Well, I gotta, I have to tell you.

I don't actually have my calendar, but I'll probably.

You guys are going to bail.

I'm going to have to sit with the sister with the eye again is what's going to happen.

His sister was nice.

My grandmother was nice.

I don't want to sit with her.

Do the whole thing with the plate.

So now Jesus heads to the house of Simon the leper to get his head anointed.

He said you guys don't need anything?

No, no, we're great.

Thanks so much, Simon.

All right.

Anytime, you guys, let me know.

Okay, guys, so what plates did he touch?

Seriously?

Like, Like, all of us.

So much touching.

Okay, you know what?

Never mind.

I'm just going to let this lady finish anointing me with oil, and then we're going to split.

Yeah, about that.

Uh, yes, Peter.

Don't take this the wrong way, Jesus, but couldn't we have, like, sold that special oil and helped the poor with it?

Look, Peter, there's always going to be poor people.

I'm only here for a little while, you know.

Jesus does not say that.

He does.

Quote, for ye have the poor always with you, but me ye have not always.

End quote.

This is such a bad book.

Oh, it so is.

It so is.

So, should you go to that satyr?

Oh, no way.

They're so long.

Yeah, me neither.

Excuse me.

I heard you were looking to kill Jesus.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we are.

That's true.

I can deliver Jesus into your hands.

Wait, you can?

I thought you were one of his followers.

Judas, right?

God damn, Eli, am I Judas because of the pug cafe?

Not because of the pug cafe.

I said you multiple photos.

Should have waited anyway.

Should have done.

All right.

How much will you pay me to turn over Jesus?

Uh,

30 pieces of silver.

Done.

You'll hear from me shortly.

You should have opened with a lower number.

I thought I was opening with a lower number.

Oh, boys.

Go.

Yeah.

Boys.

Idiots.

My disciples, go into the city and tell this guy I want to do the Last Supper at his house.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Are we

paying him?

No, tell him I'll be dead soon, and it's super important that we have it at that house.

You got it, Jesus.

We'll just go tell a guy that we're going to have dinner at his house for

free.

So I was like, PETA hardly knew her.

Right.

Right.

Okay.

Attention.

Attention, please.

Oh, it's just kind of stepping on my laugh there.

No, it's fine.

Go ahead.

Whatever you want to say.

I have something important to say tonight.

Tonight, someone will betray me.

Is it me, Jesus?

Is it me?

It is he that dips his hand into my dish.

I don't.

I don't know what that means.

He's eating at this table.

Yeah, no, we knew that already.

You just said it was one of us.

Because it is.

Is it me, Jesus?

Oh, you said it, Judas.

Oh, fuck.

Seriously, Judas?

Dick move, man.

Come on.

Why would you even ask if you knew it was you, though?

Look, I thought he was gonna answer all vague and mysterious again.

No, no, it's definitely him.

Fuck you.

No, man.

He was being vague and mysterious.

Okay, anyway, so take this bread, for it is my body.

Sorry, are we just moving on from the fact that we now know it's Judas?

And, and

this wine, for it is my blood.

Now.

Okay, I guess we're moving on.

Let us sing a hymn and go to the Mountain of Olives.

Wait, a hymn?

Do those exist yet?

Yes, they're just all in the present tense.

Shut up, Judas.

And over here, you'll see even more olives.

How nice.

Hey, Jesus.

Yes, Peter.

I just want you to know that, like, whatever Judas has has planned, I've got your pack, man.

Oh, Peter, before the cock crows, you will deny me three times.

What?

Come on, I would never do that to you.

Yeah, us too.

We wouldn't.

Yeah, I would die for you, Jesus.

Oh, okay.

He's back to just talking for him now.

Okay, okay, everyone.

Be gone.

The time has come for me to pray in silent contemplation.

You got it, Jesus.

Okay,

except Peter and James and John, not the Baptist.

You guys come with me.

For your prayer in silent contemplation, we're coming with you?

Yes.

Yes.

Can we bring a magazine?

No, you guys are going to sit there and watch.

Cool.

We'll just sit there and watch.

Doesn't feel like silent contemplation.

Dear God,

Dad, you know, please take this cup from me, by which I mean I don't want to do the whole dying for humanity thing because it's kind of a drag.

Not sure why we're putting this in the Bible, but you know, kind of defeats the purpose a little bit, a little ridiculous if you think about it.

Any takers?

No?

No?

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Are you guys seriously asleep?

What?

No, no, I was I was resting.

No, no, no.

You were asleep.

I told you guys you guys were going to totally betray me.

I wanted to bring a magazine.

Okay, whatever.

You're tired.

Go to bed.

Whatever.

I don't care.

Okay, we will go to bed then.

Okay, good.

Good night.

Good night.

Jesus.

What?

No,

I didn't mean you.

I meant the swear.

And you're sure Jesus will be here.

How are we going to know which one he is?

He'll be the one I kiss.

Oh, um,

you can just point to him.

No, no, I'm gonna give him a big old smooch.

Really, just saying, like, that guy right there.

That'd be fun.

No, smooch or I'm out.

Smooch, it is, okay.

And then I said, you can't wear white before Easter.

But Easter hasn't happened yet.

Exactly.

Stop wearing white.

That's what I'm saying.

Hello, teacher.

okay

new policy that's how we're saying hello from now on all right that's him grab him come on motherfuckers

yeah

look ow peter what are you doing i'm taking these motherfuckers down jesus i got you let's do this fucking ear

no no guys we're not resisting i knew this is gonna happen

Wait,

wait, we're not we'll help here you could have mentioned this.

Okay, look if I...

I'm not going to fight back.

I could have called on a legion of angels.

Okay, well, now I feel silly.

Now I feel silly.

So much blood.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

Whatever.

Let's go.

Come on.

Hey, wait, Jesus, don't you, like, heal me or something?

Not in this gospel, I don't, mister.

Great.

Thanks.

I'll just figure it out.

Hey, just real quick, he did not tell me.

Apologies.

Okay, okay.

Jesus, you are called before this court for impersonating the Christ.

Are there any witnesses?

Oh my god, seriously, you guys didn't bring any witnesses?

Oh, um, I...

I, uh...

I totally saw this guy say that he could destroy the temple and rebuild it.

Great, yes, thanks.

That will work.

What do you say to this, Jesus?

Oh, seriously?

You're doing the silent treatment right now?

Are you the Christ or not?

You'll see when I arrive at my father's right hand.

I'm so mad, I tear my shirt at you!

Uh,

okay, why?

I don't

not sure.

It felt right in the moment.

Was it not a good look?

Okay, it was a little much.

A little much, got it, okay.

Anyway, what should we do with this guy, everybody?

Boys of fantasy magic!

Hey, hey, uh, hey, Jesus.

Yes, random crowd member.

What does the prophecy say about who just hit you?

Huh?

It's pretty good.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, that's a good one.

Nice.

Are you gonna put it?

Are you gonna put my joke in your book?

Fine, sure.

I'll put it in the book, whatever.

Cool.

Excuse me, are you Peter, the one that's always with Jesus?

Uh, no, uh, no, no, that's not me.

Oh, okay.

Hey, you're that guy who hangs out with the Nazarene, right?

Uh, no, I'm not in place.

Okay, this guy definitely knows Jesus.

I'm really pretty sure.

I'm pretty certain about that.

No, no, I fucking don't know Jesus.

I don't fucking know Jesus, you fucking horse fuckers.

Before the cock cruds, you will deny me three times.

Okay, I feel like this doesn't count.

I literally cut off a guy's ear for you.

Totally counts.

And with the thrill in knowing that we actually get to leave you in suspense on one of these for a change, we're going to wrap up there and crucify this motherfucker on the next installment of

Bible Peace Theater.

Before we pull all the way into the driveway, I want to remind you that there are still general admission tickets available for Godolphin Movies Live in Nashville, Tennessee on Saturday, December 7th.

Makes a great Halloween gift or Thanksgiving gift.

Don't let big Christmas tell you which holidays are forgiving gifts and which ones aren't.

That's for you to decide.

So check out GodolphinMoviesLive.com or check the show notes.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend Godolphin Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday and an even new episode of our Half Sister Show Citation Needed debuting at Noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I can't cue the music until I've thanked Heath, Eli, Anna, Cecil, Lucinda, Marsh Don, and everybody else who stepped up over the last month to help out while I've been traveling and/or hurricaned.

It's been a crazy few weeks for us, but hopefully shit settling back into normalcy from here.

Also, want to thank Harley from Down Under for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

And no, Tucker Carlson doing a speaking tour does not make up for Ken Ham unless y'all keep his ass.

Okay, but most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's and last week's best people.

Robin Ben the Heretique, Matthew, Megan, Pokemon, Lisa, Justin, Anne, Farah, Jeremy, Chad, Aaron, Austin, Nick, Soul, and Jonathan.

Robin Ben, Matthew, Megan, and Pokemon, whose IQs are so high they have observation decks, Lisa, Justin, and Farah, Jeremy, and Chad, who are so pleasant they could cheer up a tropical depression, and Aaron Austin, Nick, Soul, and Jonathan, who are so hot, Lava has to wear protective gear when they're around.

Together, these 16 people, birds, stars, and lacerations helped ease the financial strain of this being my job this week.

by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to do so, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended average version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheas.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your money on the finer things in life, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media and speaking to social media.

Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content you follow on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

And now, back to wait, sorry, are you saying that that makes you horny?

The tomatoes and the black pudding and all that?

I was saying the opposite of hungry and something, but the answer is yes.

Okay, ultimately, yeah.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC, copyright 2024.

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