611: Politic or Treat Edition

This is Bethany Frankl from Just Be with Bethany Frankl.

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Warning, if this podcast was just the word fuck five times a second for 60 minutes, that wouldn't be enough profanity for the moment.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Factor and by the new and highly effective anxiety treatment, a time machine that takes you to Wednesday.

A time machine that takes you to Wednesday, only available if you already voted.

And now, the scathing atheist.

Hi, I'm Robin of the blog Reviews That Burn, where I review books by marginalized authors and write essays from a reader's perspective.

I have dysgraphia, a cognitive disability that puts a 30% pass filter on my writing and means I hold a pen weirdly.

Conditions like this are a byproduct of the fact that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey people.

It's Thursday.

It's October 31st, and it's Halloween.

Yes, it is.

You can't see us, but we are dressed like sexy cats.

As ever.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bothnick.

I'm Heath Henright.

And from Corey Booker and George Helmies, New Jersey, and no other senatorial history at all, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Cross News, this is the Skathing Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode, J.D.

Vance stands up for cringy losers who everyone laughs at.

Chick-fil-A becomes a disruptor in the homophobic sandwich multimedia sector.

And we'll finally learn our master plan.

But first, the diatribe.

It's not often that I have choice paralysis when it comes to diatribes.

I'll admit that after the first couple hundred of these things, it's way more common that I'm just sitting there desperately trying to think of anything to talk about in this segment that I haven't talked about before.

But this week, I have sort of an embarrassment of riches.

Because this episode, of course, it releases on Halloween, so naturally I should do a spooky Halloween-themed diatribe.

But at the same time, this is the last episode before the election, so obviously I should do a diatribe about the closing state of the presidential race.

But I'm also recording this episode on the one-year anniversary of my coronary, which is a pretty big deal personally.

So I probably should open with some sort of heart health-based monologue.

Which would all be quite the conundrum if this election wasn't spooky enough to give a motherfucker a heart attack.

But as it stands, it looks like I can knock out three birds with one stone.

Because holy fuck butter, why the hell is it this close?

Why are we even here again?

Look, I kind of get it in 2016.

I don't, because Trump was obviously an idiotic carnival barker the first time around, but ours is a population that took 20 years to realize that Adam Sandler wasn't funny.

So I at least kind of get it.

There were enough people out there that didn't understand how bad he would be and not enough people who did.

I'm deeply embarrassed and troubled by it, but at least I can comprehend how we got there.

And to a lesser degree, I get how we wind up there again with another tight race in 2020.

Yes, we'd seen what a fantastic piece of shit he was by then.

And yes, we were in the midst of a mass die-off, but you got the power of incumbency, the bully pulpit, the polarization, his crooked people in charge of a lot of key aspects of the election.

You remember how they tried to sabotage the entire postal service just to keep Democratic votes from being counted?

You combine all that shit together.

And while the 2020 election should have been an absolute landslide from the first fucking poll, the fact that it wasn't was at least explicable.

But how the fuck do you explain a three qual?

And more to the point, what kind of delusional, depraved, gullible, vicious, bigoted, paranoid idiots are we sharing this country with that allowed it to be so?

How the fuck is anybody still buying what he's selling, let alone enough people to bring this race down to the fucking wire?

See, the main question at the heart of this campaign, well, the main question is what, the actual fuck, but the main question that could be expressed without an interabang is, what are we even doing here at this point?

Like, we're all out there trying to influence the future of our society in this way or that, but this campaign calls all of that into question.

Is there even a fucking point?

Like, consider this honest question.

Do campaigns even matter anymore?

I mean, here we got Kamala.

She's out there campaigning around.

So she's doing rallies, giving great speeches, gathering important endorsements where the billionaire class will allow for it, at least.

But she's, you know, she's proposing honest policies.

She's doing hostile interviews.

She's doing town halls.

She's building a ground game, raising money.

And what's Donnie doing?

He's swaying to the fucking music and ranting like the uncle who's about half a beer away from ruining another Thanksgiving.

Her closing argument is concise and poignant and rises to the occasion.

His closing argument is trans immigrants are coming for your precious bodily fluids and yet they're neck and neck.

But fuck campaigns.

Even more fundamentally, do facts even matter anymore?

Because sure, every politician lies, but the level of dishonesty Trump's reached is so high we almost need a new word for it.

Public school teachers are doing surprise gender reassignment surgeries on your kids.

Windmills are giving you cancer.

Haitian immigrants are going to eat your pets.

And even when he's not just blatantly scaremongering, he's no more constrained by reality.

The cornerstone of his economic policy is reversing inflation with tariffs.

It would be no more credible if he said his foreign policy was to predict what other countries were doing with his fucking crystal goddamn ball, and yet the race is too close to call.

But fuck facts even.

It would be fair to say that they haven't mattered in politics since at least the introduction of trickle-down economics.

So what about us?

Do people even matter anymore?

I mean, some of you are lucky enough to not live in a fucking swing state where every ad is political.

Some of you are even luckier and don't live in this country at all.

But holy shit at the blatant bigotry of these Donald Trump ads at this point.

They're basically just trans,

trans people, Kamala equals trans people and trans people are scary.

The fucking tagline of these ads is Kamala Harris is for they, them.

Donald Trump is for you.

That sounds like the compromise from an, okay, how close to a slur are we allowed to get then conversation they had with the networks.

Donald Trump's campaign speeches have have just evolved into him literally saying immigrants are coming to slit your throat in your kitchen.

They've doubled down on the thoroughly debunked Haitians eating Fido rhetoric every chance they've been given.

Their entire reason for being is fear and hatred and lies.

And yet the polls are within the margin of error.

And so here I sit, wondering if we've done enough, wondering if I've done enough.

I'm asking myself, was there more that I could have done?

And of course, the answer is yes.

I could have donated more money.

We could have done more fundraisers on the show.

I could have devoted more time on this show and our other shows, making the case for Kamala.

I could have spent more time online answering every challenge to her candidacy.

I could have volunteered more time.

I could have worn my Kamala shirt to more places.

I could have made the case better.

I could still make the case better.

And no matter how much I did, this would all still be true.

And so here I sit wondering if I'm going to be plagued by this feeling for the next six days or the next four years.

And I try to have hope because I need it, but I try not to have hope because I remember what that felt like in 2016.

I mean, if you want hope, there's hope to be had.

Record-setting early voting tends to favor Democrats.

Democrats have outperformed projections in every national election since 2016.

Kamala's advantage and all the typical metrics of political success except polling have been overwhelming, right?

Fundraising, volunteer hours, rally attendance, ground game.

And when you look at the popularity of the issues each of these candidates is running on, Democrats win across the board.

But in so many ways, the stakes are too high for hope.

The polls are telling us every single vote is going to matter in this one, and we need to believe them.

We all need to ask ourselves what we would wish we had done with these last few days after she lost, and we need to fucking do do it.

The historian Howard Zinn, in his People's History of the United States, he warns of allowing history to become the memory of the state.

And when he said it, he was talking to historians and people who read histories.

He was saying, don't let the official record be the whole story, right?

Seek out the story of the common person, the persecuted minority, the dissenter.

But at the same time, it's also a call to action.

It's a reminder that sometimes we need to thrust our hands in and seize what little history we can get a hold of.

Sometimes we have the choice of being history's authors or its victims.

They're talking about your Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news, Women's Engineer.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Asylum and City to My Knight, Heath Enright, and Eli Posnick.

Fellas, are you ready to be the hero Gotham needs?

I am not, but I'm genuinely excited to be a billionaire vigilante who gets away with whatever the fuck I want.

That seems fun.

That'll be fun.

And I want to acknowledge the sacrifice you took by making yourself the knight in that intro.

No illusions.

You are truly more giving than Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

So while Eli and I commiserate over all those goddamn 40-minute Batmobile tank sequences, we're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Factor.

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Yeah, let me just grab a snack real quick.

Eli, that is a pumpkin.

Yeah, Noah, it's October.

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Wow, that sounds amazing, but don't those meal delivery services get kind of samey?

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All right, guys, let's get going.

I'm sorry, are you still going to bring the pumpkin?

Yeah, once you get through the rind, it gets a lot easier.

Yeah.

Got it.

I'd imagine.

And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, in positive troll model news.

Nice.

Two anti-choice Christian zealots attended a Kamala Harris rally in Wisconsin last week, planning to disrupt her speech and save the lives of millions of babies.

Using their undercover special ops training, they infiltrated the public event, serpentined their way to the front of the crowd, and right when Kamala Harris was about to win the talking, they shouted, Christ is king.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

And I'm having trouble figuring out if their plan worked.

According to Fox News and JD Vance and the Christian Post, the perfectly timed shouting has very possibly destroyed the entire Harris campaign and also Christ is God.

But according to everyone else and a series of Kamala Harris ads that captured the moment, the two idiots got roasted by Kamala Harris for being at the wrong rally.

They ran away crying and the whole crowd started cheering.

It's one or the other of those two options.

Well, if the goal was to outrage Christians, they succeeded because they did a thing in three-dimensional space.

Yeah.

See, this is what happens when you raise a generation on God's Not Dead people.

They yell at a woman who's smarter than them and are not prepared for her head not to explode while the newsboys plays in the background.

Okay, so here's the impression you might get if you read about the story in The Christian Post, which I did.

Grant Beth and Luke Pulaski are two American patriots, and they took some time away from protecting our southern border and ladling soup for unhoused veterans while America the Beautiful plays in the background everywhere they go.

And then they went to the Harris Rally.

They made several lesbian women have orgasms as they walked to the front in certainty.

And then at the perfect moment, they yelled, Christ is king.

And this part is straight from the article in the Christian Post.

According to Grant, that's when Kamala Harris

looked me directly in the eye and gave me an evil smirk.

And then she mocked them, thereby, of course, also mocking Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

But Grant was ready.

Exact words from the Christian Post.

He removed his cross necklace, held it up in the air, and pointed at Harris.

And she burned.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, a bald eagle with an assault rifle didn't materialize out of it and attack her as he was expecting, but God did rebuke her, which was nice.

Right.

Yeah, he's looking around, waiting for a bunch of Russian bots to agree with him, like they usually do on Twitter.

Guys, Kaka, where's the eagle?

Fuck.

So, according to Grant, they also got physically assaulted by the unruly mob of rabid liberals.

Are they okay?

I don't think so.

They'll maybe get over it.

He claims they got heckled, cursed at, oh no, mocked, and quote,

I love this,

pushed by an elderly woman.

Oh, really?

To To be clear, Grant and Luke are like 20 years old.

Why would they admit she was old?

Right?

Why would they say, or they could have just said lady, or they could have just even just said person.

We were pushed by someone is all they had to say.

I'm sorry.

You think liberals aren't violent?

Susan B.

Anthony gave me an atomic wedgie at that ramming.

I'm a serious person who does not deserve to be mocked.

I'm voting on Tuesday.

Amazing.

So following the incident, Grant and Luke did an interview with Fox and friends, and they got the less than 15 minutes of fame they were desperately seeking.

Grant and Luke explained how this was a big win.

It might not seem like it, but it was.

And they did not get kicked out and slink away crying.

That was fake news.

According to Grant, quote, we did God's work.

and we were there for the right reasons

which sounds a lot more like a really sad cutaway interview after they didn't get a rose on the bachelorette, but doesn't it though?

They were there for the right reasons, and it's part of their spiritual journey.

That's important.

All heart.

Yeah.

No, no, seriously.

When has it's the thought that counts ever been muttered by anybody but an unequivocal winner, right?

That's what they say.

Yeah.

All the people who think I won are invisible, but it's a bit of a,

they exist.

Okay, so that brings us to what actually happened, according to the lamestream media and reality, it's on video.

These two trolls tried to disrupt the rally, but Kamala Harris is very quick on her feet and she roasted them perfectly.

After they shouted, Christ is king, or maybe after some other troll shouted something, Kamala said, oh, you guys are at the wrong rally.

I think you meant to go to the smaller one down the street.

So

great work from Kamala Harris.

And that is when Grant and Luke left, possibly crying.

Yeah, and no doubt muttering, he is king, though.

He is.

He is.

And look, it's worth pointing out just how much trouble these idiots went through to be at the front of a Harris rally to do their nothing.

Yes.

Okay.

As no illusions can attest, they waited for literal hours to be embarrassed by a woman much smarter than them and to make sure nobody will ever swipe right on them ever again.

That's what they spent their Tuesday.

That was their lives.

And of course, we got to hear from J.D.

Vance a few days later about this.

He was doing his own rally in Wisconsin, and somebody shouted during his rally, Jesus is king.

And Vance responded, that's right, Jesus is king.

And from there, he went on to accuse Kamala Harris and all of modern liberals in America of being godless persecutors.

According to Vance, quote, I say this as a Christian, as a person who was baptized for the first time just a few years ago, there is something really bizarre with Kamala Harris's anti-Christian rhetoric and anti-Christian approach to public policy.

Yeah, also, her space lasers are out of control.

Yeah.

If she was a real Christian, she would have ceded the stage to those 20-year-olds so the crowd could hear from her.

On the right side,

fair and balanced.

Yeah.

And just circling back, one other quick thing.

That elderly elderly woman they made up who gave Meach a fucking German suplex on the way out here with a steel chair.

She's a fucking hero.

If anyone knows this very fictional person, I'd like to give her a big reward.

Let us know.

Or if she wants to finish the job and would like an alibi, same girl says, give us a call.

There you go.

And in some pie in the sky news, with a rapidly diminishing share of U.S.

worshipers and having just paid out the largest child rape settlement in the history of world, you might wonder what's next for the Catholic Church?

Perhaps a return to focus on service, a change in internal policy to prevent the harms they've done from happening again, or hell, maybe they just start melting down their solid gold city and feed the poor with it.

Well, this week they announced they're not doing any of that, but they are

unveiling their anime mascot.

Yep.

And that mascot

is a child.

So yeah, we're going to talk about it.

Hey guys, what's the opposite of rapey cabal funded by Nazi gold?

We're trying to like change the, I was thinking anime funko pop, and we could really

change the image.

But how fuckable a Funko Pop are we talking about here?

Oh, good question.

Medium?

Medium.

Yeah, medium.

So first off, big thanks to Ann for sending us this link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you send us news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we promise to never make a creepy anime mask out of you.

I do not, if this is Ann Perkins.

It's not.

Okay.

We learned our lesson, and that restraining order we got from Joe Osteen is binding.

Scathing news at gmail.com.

Okay.

I never got served.

Technically, I say my name in lowercase.

There's nothing they can do.

They're like, are you Heath?

And I'm like, Heath lowercase.

Yeah, yep.

And in our defense, non-creepy anime mascot of Joel Osteen is such a contradiction in terms that Spellcheck keeps trying to change the words in the script where I wrote that.

Did you mean that?

Right.

So all of this came about as part of the Vatican's celebration of the holy year 2025 what's that you ask well it appears to be the vatican declaring the year especially catholic because

the number has a five in it

or something

anyways and then they throw themselves a party which again is a weird choice for an institution embroiled in as much controversy as the Catholic Church.

It's like if Jeffrey Epstein had wished himself happy birthday on Facebook.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, the reaction bar is not sufficient.

They need like a fuck your face button or something.

Okay, but Facebook would be a dark place if the reacts were based on what we need to properly express ourselves to Jeffrey Epstein and the Catholic Church, though, right?

But also more useful.

Like, I don't need the mad emoji.

I need the fuck your face emoji.

Different.

Good.

I do need the mad emoji.

All right.

Either way, they're celebrating themselves, and part of that celebration includes the unveiling of this mascot, a little girl in a yellow rain slicker named Luce, which is both Italian for light and two syllables off of Lucifer.

A fact that I refuse to believe didn't get brought up in a meeting at some point.

Well, right, okay, so, but Lucifer is just Latin for light ringer, and this is just the entity that brought Luce,

i.e.

the Catholic Church, would be Lucifer, right?

And by the way, if you think American evangelical Protestants haven't already noticed this, you don't know American Evangelical Protestants.

Yeah, we are stealing this from Greg Locke's laptop right now.

Yeah, right.

This is something to do with vaccines at the same time.

Yeah, yeah,

with the Luciferase, obviously.

Yeah.

Now, you might be wondering to yourself, but Eli, why anime?

Is it because the Catholic Church and anime share a love of sexualizing schoolgirls?

Perhaps.

But according to the church, it's to quote, live even within the pop culture so beloved by our youth.

Okay.

End real quote.

Yeah, so that's all stupid, but.

We got to be hip.

We got to be hip.

Here's the thing.

They're trying to be hip.

If that means we get to watch Pope Frankie dressed up like Will Smith, rapping parents just don't understand.

How do you become a Catholic?

Yep.

Two votes.

Okay, the fact that that is your example, Heath, is the dressing up as Will Smith, rapping parents just don't understand of making examples of dressing up like Will Smith and rapping to parents just don't understand.

I just want to point that out.

He's got the old-timey Eben user Scrooge hat.

Yep.

One last thing about this story.

Podcast listener, there are so many reasons to support our show at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist.

But perhaps this week, there's no better reason than to access our show notes where I've included the publicity image the Catholic Church chose to release of this announcement in which an old man who looks like Skeletor reaches menacingly out of the darkness at the statue of Luce.

It's terrifying.

Whoever's job it was to tell them what this looks like did not do their job.

Right.

There wasn't even anybody there to go like, okay, now one where it doesn't look like you're trying to take its clothes off with your Sith powers.

Yeah, what would it, this, they put this out on purpose.

This is their photo.

It looks like Gargamel and a Smurf got teleported into Sailor Moon somehow.

Gargamel's doing an evil spell on the Smurf.

Also, it's got very similar vibes to Eli in the family Halloween card.

I got it.

That's asked for spooky ghost.

He then write read a toddler.

That's all I'm saying.

And speaking of doing literally anything Eli's son asks for, it's time for us to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible.

A horse was mine.

If it's a legitimate race, a dangerous slut, right?

Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man.

This weekend, Mississauga,

you know what's never useful in the discussion of occupational equality?

Why would a woman want to be an ex anyway?

Now, don't get me wrong, I say this all the time about women belonging to various institutions.

Why would a woman want to be a Republican?

Why would a woman want to be a Christian?

Those are both very valid questions.

But when it comes to women having particular jobs, I'm perfectly okay with them wanting the job just because women don't have it.

I mean, I fucking hate Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins, but the Republican Party is better with them than it would be with no women senators.

So while it's inexplicable to me why a woman would want to be Catholic, I completely understand why a woman would want to be pope.

So with that in mind, I was disappointed but utterly unsurprised to see just how little the Vatican did to advance female leadership at the end of their idiotically titled Synod of Synodality.

It was basically a slow burn publicity stunt to make it look like the Vatican is seriously considering all the controversial steps towards modernity, like, you know, equality.

And then they released a document that basically said, yeah, we thought about it, so what?

Like, for example, when it comes to female leadership, the strongest recommendation in the final document is that the church at least put women in the few leadership roles they're already allowed to occupy.

There are actually a couple of them, but even in the instances where women are allowed, they're still not welcomed.

Beyond that, the best they managed was to say that the question of granting women the power to preach at Mass, lead funeral services, and give last rites was still open.

So not yes, but not all the way no.

And look, I don't know what women preaching at Mass would look like, but I know what it wouldn't look like.

And that brings us to our next story out of Georgetown, Texas.

Georgetown is the home of the Covenant Bible Church, which is the home of Pastor Joel Webbin.

And I learned this week from him at Meadows Blog that Webbin recently preached a sermon where he suggested publicly executing women as a means of cracking down on rape accusations.

Now, in his defense, defense, this kind of insanity is biblical.

So the best I can say in his defense is that the Bible is just as bad as he is.

But according to the Bible, women who falsely accuse men of rape should be publicly executed, which is an argument against the Bible and not for the death penalty.

But damned if Webbin realized that.

So he took the opportunity to point out that a few of those executions sure would cut down on false accusations of rape.

And since we know that rape allegations are always fairly adjudicated by the patriarchal system, we know it would only deter false allegations.

Anyway, so Pastor Joel Webbin is preemptively coming out against rape accusations and implying that false ones are a pernicious problem.

If I've learned anything as a watchdog of religion over the past decade, it's that we should put a pin in that.

It might be relevant to a future story.

Anyway, with that and a desperate reminder to vote for Kamala and let me eat my goddamn cupcakes this time.

I'll hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda.

And in why are we still doing this news?

Phenomenal.

Religious stupidity may have found an entirely new way to be dangerous last week after a Milwaukee cyclist was nearly decapitated by a down day roof.

That is, as our regular listeners will know, the magical boundary that Orthodox Jews hang around their neighborhoods in order to trick Yahweh into letting them carry their keys on Saturday.

That's all real.

Yep.

These can take the form of a string, wire, fishing line, or as it appears to be the case in Milwaukee, based on the pictures of this cyclist's neck, Garat grade piano wire.

How do you even get that?

Yeah.

What's happening there?

Hey, retailers, if somebody comes in and says, yeah, let me get seven miles of piano wire,

sell it.

And call the cops, what are you doing?

And if they say it's for God tricking magic, that's not beneficial.

No, you can't

exactly.

That's a red flag wrapped in a red flag.

So with a quick thanks to PJ for sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com, I should probably explain that an Aruf is one of the many hilarious loopholes that Orthodox Jews use to outwit their God.

Because according to the Torah, you're not allowed to carry objects out of your house on Shabbat.

But eventually, they realized that if you put a string around your whole neighborhood and you said that it represents the lintel of your front door, yes, that's the justification.

You could carry shit anywhere circumscribed by your string, and God would be none the wiser.

And now, I want you to imagine learning this for the first time, as bicyclist Ronald Ecker did, as an explanation of why a nearly invisible wire strong enough to slice a motherfucker's neck open was strung across the road at neck height on your morning ride.

Okay, best case scenario, that guy does some very nuanced yelling about what just happened.

Just like, I almost got beheaded.

I fucking hate this.

This hurts so bad.

Okay, but to be clear,

this is a condemnation of Orthodox Judaism, the religion, and not a reason to be anti-Semitic more broadly.

Those are different.

But like, what the fuck is happening?

Paramedic is loading him in.

Oh, dude, it's 2024.

Being anti-Semitic is in right now.

You're fine.

You're fine.

You yell whatever you want.

And so, okay.

So, no, when you picture this accident,

you might make the mistake I did of assuming he just got clotheslined by this wire.

That would actually be an improvement over what happened.

See, apparently one side of the line was unmoored.

So when he hit it, the wire actually wrapped around his neck and just drug its way across as he drove by.

He has cuts on the front, sides, and back of his neck from this.

And the dude, he was on an electric bike moving at about 25 miles per hour when this happened.

He said that while it was going on, he was sure he was about to be decapitated.

Okay, sorry, Noah.

I'm as much against dangerous theocracy as the next person, but

you're asking me to side with the guy on an electric bike right now.

Okay,

there's a lot of people that I can get there listening to this show right now on their electric bikes, Eli.

Now, I hope they die.

Oh,

really?

Hope they die.

All right.

If you say cyclists, I agree with Eli.

Okay.

I said bicyclist.

Interesting.

If you call yourself a cyclist, get the fuck out of here.

Interesting.

A wide range of

not dying regardless of what you have.

You have a lad bike.

That's you.

So

at first, this guy had no idea what the fuck was happening.

He assumed this was some sort of malicious trap laid by like a more evil version of Wiley Coyote.

But after he told his story to the local news, a rabbi named Yizro Lean called him and he was like, Yeah, that was us.

Our bad.

It's how we carry change in our pockets on Saturday.

And he was like, fucking what?

And Lean was like, super sorry.

And he was like, okay, but you guys are taking steps to make sure nothing like this can ever happen again.

And then Lean was like, okay, bye.

Bye.

Hey, are you painting a bike lane onto the side of a mountain right now?

What's happening?

But let me be the one to say it.

It is incredibly Jewish to call someone you almost killed and be like, I want you to know I'm very sorry, but I'm not going to change.

I think I've said exactly that to Heathen Noah at the time

in our friendship.

If you were a doll and there was, and yet a pole string.

So

Lean insists that this is an unavoidable freak accident, probably caused by a truck going by that was

slightly higher up than the average truck.

Never could have seen it coming because, as Lean is quoted as saying in the newspapers, quote, typically large trucks don't drive in that area, end quote.

So unforeseeable.

How could you ever have predicted?

In fact, obviously, yeah.

It's so unusual that it's only ever happened three other times in the entire history of that airuf, which was completed all the way back in fucking 2023.

But don't worry, as Lean explained to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, quote, anytime there's a break in the cable anywhere, it gets repaired immediately, end quote.

So how do they know when it's broken?

Why, they inspect it

weekly.

Oh, good.

Yeah, so when the razor-thin wire falls into a death trap position, it's going to stay there like max for six days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes.

It wouldn't be any more than that ever.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Okay.

Just to reiterate, it is not the job of Jewish people to prevent anti-Semitism.

But Rabbi Lean, if you did want to go after some, you know, low-hanging fruit on that trunk,

if you want to do your part, if you want, maybe stop almost beheading people with piano wire.

If you're feeling inspired, not because it's your job to fix the bigotry, bigotry, more because don't almost behead people, just as a concept.

Right.

The anti-bigotry thing, that's gravy.

Yeah, you just get excess bonus.

Low-hanging fruit.

And in case you're curious, yes, there are non-lethal things you can make an A-roof line out of.

And no,

Rabbi Lean has made no indication that they're going to replace their line with any of those things.

Because those are either slightly more expensive or slightly less robust and require replacement more often.

So unless and until the city actually makes them change it, they're going to continue to use the shit that left Ecker's neck looking like Brad Pitt in Inglorious Bastards.

Hey, Rabbi Lean, it's Heath again.

I just talked to God and he got NASA to run a string around the entire planet.

So, you can see

with the piano.

Satellites, the A-roove of space.

There you go.

Okay, I have a question.

How does it even work?

If it's supposed to connect to the lintel of your door frame, does every person have like a string running to the outer string, or like one guy does?

No, it's supposed to represent the lintel of your door.

Oh, you just make up that it connects.

It's a lie, yeah.

Yes, exactly, exactly.

You call it that, yeah.

If you ever get a chance to read the rabbinical commentaries around the Aru, they fucking rule.

Because starting in around 1950, they're just like, come on, relax.

And finally, tonight in iBigot News, Christian bigots and deep-fried flip-flop salesman Chick-fil-A announced an entertainment and streaming app this week because Lord knows we're all deeply invested in the brand whose marketing revolves around desperate cows offering up their chicken brothers to save their own lives like Poland turning on Jews during World War II

or as they might call it World War Moo.

Oh, that makes it funny.

Cow elaborators.

Jesus Christ.

Penicide.

All right, no, but it's good that they're getting into the streaming business quick before it gets oversaturated, right?

Yeah, obviously.

Now, first off, big thanks to Terry for sending us this news to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you send us news to scathingnews at gmail.com, when we create our streaming service and entertainment app, you can have your very own badly shot sitcom, just like Terry.

We shoot on Monday, Terry.

Don't be late.

Late being defined thus far as Tuesday.

Don't show up on Tuesday.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So the app, which premieres on November 18th, is called Chick-fil-A Play.

Didn't even attempt a pun there.

Great start.

They clearly heard that NBC has Peacock, and they were like, fuck.

All right.

Chick-fil-A Play.

It promises to come loaded with video content, games, and more.

What kind of video content you ask?

I'm so glad you asked.

Shows like Legends of Evergreen Hills and, quote, playful new adventures with the animated Chick-fil-A cows.

Okay, I'm sorry, but if you play out the whole trying to convince humans not to devour our flesh with pickles and ketchup into a full-length show, it's not going to get, it's going to get uncomfortable eventually, right?

Yeah.

But of course, that's not all.

The app also includes kid-friendly scripted podcasts, games, jokes, and conversation starters.

The conversation being, why the fuck did we download this?

Who wants to do a podcast story about our idiot?

Huh?

Imagine how disconnected from your family you have to be to be like, like, are there any conversation starters on your app, son?

But my favorite thing that they offer on the app, again, quote, is a cooking video that uses a Chick-fil-A milkshake as a key ingredient.

Just a cartoon cow trying to milk a chicken being like, fuck.

All right, this isn't.

You should all read Peter Singer.

I got

tricked.

Been jerking off this chicken for like 45 minutes.

Only came twice.

Yeah.

So, quite a bit of this looks like it'll be providing some excellent fodder for future episodes of our sister show, God Awful Movies, available wherever you get your podcast.

But I can't help but be stuck on that wasted opportunity for an app name.

So, let's put 30 seconds on the clock.

Better names for Chick-fil-A's Entertainment app.

Oh, okay.

Go.

Okay.

I feel like somebody suggested SigNetflix, but like nobody else knew that the word Signet is a bird.

And everybody's like, what?

Boo.

Yep.

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

How about big GitHub?

Nice.

Amazon Choice, because that's below prime.

Chick, chick for play.

I know that one isn't an insult to their ideas, but damn it, it's just too obvious.

So obviously, you know?

I don't fucking know.

Mubo?

I don't know.

Sure.

Because Mubo, but like house.

I like Apple Home Mophobes.

Nice.

Okay, well, you should not watch their app, whatever it's called.

So like bird box.

Yeah,

there it is.

And with that reminder, why we generally don't do that pit anymore.

Sorry, I really like Crashed and Burned Up.

I did great.

You did.

You did fine.

We'll close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

You sure did, bud.

Effort grade.

Too much.

And when we come back, we'll find a new contender for most hyperbolic video title of all time.

Of all the dark corners of the internet that I visit for the sake of our shows, perhaps none is darker than Rumble.

A place I've gone often enough for them to have personalized recommendations for me now.

Little, because you watched suggestions where I have to go, oh fuck, I did watch that, didn't I?

Accusatory.

Yeah, accusatory.

Can I offer you some Stevens Seagal?

Yes.

And amid the suggestions for how I could stop voter fraud, arguments for why Puerto Rico is too an island of garbage, and ads for, I swear I'm not making any of these up, ivermectin cancer treatments.

Come on.

I also saw the video that we're going to be talking about in this installment of

God-awful minis.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Indoctrinating Our Children to Death.

It's the story of how pre-Marxist communists from Europe designed a public school system that's currently murdering American children in 2024.

But more importantly, it's a 15-minute ad for a book of the same title by this guy, Alex Newman.

Yes, yes, it is.

Yes.

Apparently the to death gets justified in the book because they don't even try in the video.

And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if you love the ramblings of a man being led away from a comet pizza by the police, but you wish it included included more pitches for his incredibly short book.

Yeah, you will love this movie, and I do.

Yep.

I don't know, I did too.

Like as soon as you told me the title, I'm like, well, obviously we're doing that one.

Yeah.

So we're going to open up on this amazing contrast between creepy music and cutesy school bus.

Yeah.

Right?

Like the bus is saying the wheels on the bus go round and round, and the music is saying to their doom.

Yeah.

I opened up on, would you like to go ad-free with Rumble Premium?

And I was like, no, I would not.

Wait, hold on.

I can get a verified badge.

Oh, shit.

So I clicked into it and it's $10

a month.

Fuck yeah.

And I was like, oh, go fuck yourself.

I could get a chick-fa-play for that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, I should have to point this out.

Their title is Indoctrinating Ellipses Our Children to Death.

And that's the wrong placement dramatically.

And it bothered me the whole movie, right?

You're just picturing indoctrinating

our children to death.

Yeah, right, no,

to death.

You got to set up the

fucking idiot.

So we were introduced by a narrator to Alex Newman.

He is an investigative reporter because that's not a legally protected term.

Not a legally protected term.

He's a nutritionist, too.

No, he is a Liberty Sentinel.

Also, well, it is.

He's also that.

That is his self-proclaimed title and the name of his website.

Yep, yep.

And he wrote a book with this same ridiculously hyperbolic title where he is going to argue, I guess, that the Department of Education is actually only there to make us dumber.

Right.

Now, and look, if this video is setting out to make me believe that Americans are dumber, it is nailing it so far.

It's screaming dumber.

Hey, listen, Alex Newman, your kids are stupid, not because of the government.

I hate.

And again, his point is like, look, every generation says that schools aren't as racist as they used to be.

And that's true, obviously.

But the purpose of the schools is, and I wrote in my notes, to not be racist.

I mean, yeah, man.

Yep.

Yep.

But they show us his book for the first time, right?

We get to see its cover and all its glory.

It's so good.

On the cover of his book, he put a one-sentence blurb from Kirk Cameron.

Oh, I missed that.

Amazing.

All I saw was that there were like six fonts on it, like Time Cube.

He's like, How come my cover doesn't flash?

The narrator says at this one point that Alex's information in the book is, quote, highly provable, end quote.

Not just medium provable, like, you know,

high threshold of provability.

And he's going to give us the information that they don't want you to know.

Yes, right.

Which is highly provable.

And then we get a visual aid, and we learn that secret information is uh it's in a file cabinet yes but which folder and we watch it like finger through under ass

secrets yeah so dumb this is also where we get introduced to our first villain of the documentary that would be bum bum bum

john dewey yeah so okay so now we're gonna start the three interview clips that are gonna make up the bulk of the video right so we start off with him on a youtube show that's pretending not to be a youtube show and that's where he introduces us to the fact that the the real baddies are john dewey and horace mann yeah he says there's this myth it's been going around forever that schools are getting too woke and that's all true and i was like okay maybe maybe they should teach the word myth at your school better

yep Yeah, but our first villain is John Dewey.

And like, John Dewey was actually a socialist, right?

And a humanist, too, as he's going to cover later in the movie, right?

So you can see the scarema.

Oh, he was a socialist and a humanist.

But then Horace Mann is very much not.

So he has to be like, Horace Mann liked Prussia, which would eventually be a part of Russia,

which

would eventually become communist.

That's with Russia.

argument and then

i didn't think it was possible to make a worse argument but then he does with robert Owen, who he accuses of being a full-blown communist before Karl Marx.

He was a communist on vinyl before

it was

cool.

So, yeah, so

he explains that this was all like they, all these communists came up with this system to make everybody dumber with public education.

That was their goal.

And so, the argument then rests on his claim that we are not smarter than people were in 1867 when the Department of Education was set up, right?

I believe it of this guy.

Sure, sure.

Yeah.

But yeah, then he goes through the list.

Like, this guy was a communist.

Well, communist adjacent, well, future pre-communist adjacent.

It rhymes with Russia.

Shut up.

Then the video interrupts itself to make it clear that this is, in fact, an advertisement for the guy's book.

Actually, we've

they stop and teach us how to buy a book.

Yep.

Did you know our book is actually for sale on the the World Wide Web?

We made it onto Amazon, guys.

They teach us how to go to Amazon.

They go, you can go to our website and buy our book.

And I was like, okay, that's going to be over.

They're like, you can go to Amazon and buy our book.

And I was like, Jesus, are they going to name all the websites?

They're like, there are three different ways to buy our book.

And one of them is that you have to sign up for their streaming service and you get it as a free prize.

And I'm like, God damn it.

I would love it if we didn't have the same model.

We are like two minutes into this video and they're doing an ad.

It's amazing like you know the only thing worse than a video on rumble about how america is communist because of schools it's the auto ads yep for a book about how america is communist because of schools yep they interrupt their ad with an ad so so then we cut to a different he's on a different youtube show that's pretending it's not a youtube show and this is where he's going to now tell us about a whistleblower who told us all about the stuff that he just said the commies were very open about

okay so this is fucking amazing, right?

So this is not a real thing.

This is a guy who turned Catholic and wrote a crazy book accusing Robert Owen of being in charge of a secret Illuminati-esque society.

And he will spend the rest of this YouTube show just describing those things like they're the fucking, you know, deep throat files.

Oh my fucking, it goes on for so fucking long.

And he's just like, yeah, no.

So the plan was to start public education just to get rid of Christianity.

And I'm like, oh, wow, this is a long fucking con then, huh?

But yeah, but he says, you know, what made America great was all the education in the country came from mom, dad, or the Protestant clergy.

He actually specifies Protestant clergy.

That is not the last anti-Catholic thing he'll have to say.

It's not that he's not.

It definitely is not now.

And this is where, of course, he mentions Alexis de Tocqueville, who loved America America because all the schools were Protestant.

Yep.

Okay, to be clear, though, Alexis de Tocqueville disagreed with everything the Christian right is doing right now, for sure.

Yep.

Sure.

But here's the thing.

If you hear the name Alexis de Tocqueville mentioned, you are 10 seconds away from being cornered at a party by a sovereign citizen.

You are about to hear about a Ponzi scheme at your local bank.

It's admirality law.

It's going to come and be fringe on flags.

Yeah.

Now, I will admit, though, in this section, he says my favorite quote in the movie where he says, how can you have education without the Bible?

That's an oxymoron.

And I wrote in my notes.

I don't think you know what that word means.

Probably because it's not in the Bible.

Feels like you were failed by some kind of school system.

Yeah, right, right.

But then he explains that Horace Mann and John Dewey hated Jesus.

They were Unitarians.

They were both Unitarians.

But then, so they deny the Trinity.

Then boom, communism, right?

And then he makes this argument that's so ridiculous, he has to interrupt himself, right?

Where he's like, so all these communists, they teamed up with the Rockefellers.

The notorious communists.

Yes.

The Rockefellers.

He even has to stop and go, I know what you're thinking.

That makes no sense at all, right?

Moving on.

What they did is they did it to make them look good.

And it did.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Shit.

Yeah.

So, but then he points out that they're all a bunch of humanists.

And what do humanists believe?

That God can eat a dick.

Exactly.

And I'm like, well, that is what we've.

Maybe you've heard of a little thing called the Frankfurt School.

And the only clue better that you're about to be cornered at a party with somebody with dysphoria?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's the Frankfurt School.

He says they imported the evil doers that you know all too well from the Frankfurt School.

And he's talking to like the guy interviewing him.

The Frankfurt School was both anti-Nazi and anti-Marxist.

So like,

to be clear, the movie is saying they were evildoers who fled the Nazis?

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

Right.

Well, and at this point, too, he's like, he's talking about like them taking the Bible out of everything.

He's like, imagine a world where we decide right and wrong.

And I'm like, do you mean a democracy, dude?

Because that's what we have.

That's what we have.

He doesn't like that.

Did you say morality and then do a piano sting?

What is that?

Well, and that's what he does again in this section because now he's going to read a bunch of Dewey's humanist manifesto, which is so fucking mild.

They're like the classroom agreements of a preschool, but he's got so much ominous music behind them.

Okay, there's actually a piano sting.

It's like humanist manifesto.

Whang.

He says, we regard the universe as self-existing.

And you literally get a, I'm not kidding, you get a ba-ba-ba.

Yep.

Unironically.

so good i wrote in my notes you can't just keep doing menacing snare rolls and hope i'm going to be scared of these ideas right right yeah so he's but he's like but we all think we're that we're gods now which if you think about it is satanism and then he's like he's like now i want to talk for a moment to the people who are listening that aren't religious and i'm like oh me heath and eli then For all the atheists out there listening to me on Rumble.

Yes, yes.

And then he connect with me, brother.

You got to think about this beyond the context of your eternal soul.

And I was like, oh, okay, cool.

I'm switching my context.

I'll pay attention better.

Yeah, fantastic.

Now, can I say I'm locked in?

Let him cook.

Let him cook.

Yeah, but then he explains that the reason it matters to us is because God gave us our rights.

And when they take away God,

we wouldn't have any rights if you think about it.

Huh?

Get it?

So this matters to you, too.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

And then he points out, like, hey, look, you know, we got rid of mandatory prayers in schools and then boom, suicide, right?

Which was invented in 1963.

It has started happening and school shootings, too.

As he describes it, and this is an exact quote, a false religion from the pit of hell has now been taught to our children.

Hate to accuse anyone of exaggeration.

Yeah, right.

This is his take.

He actually says the Supreme Court kicked the Bible out of schools in the 60s under the guise of the First Amendment.

I was like, okay, first of all, not a guise.

Nope.

It's just the First Amendment.

You know, the First Amendment.

Also, your God gave us the First Fucking Amendment.

You just said that.

Right.

Right.

Exactly.

You said he gave us.

Okay.

Yeah.

He also seems to imply that he wants to eliminate school shootings.

I'd love it if I could hold him to that.

Right.

But then the video tackles the obvious question of how can we protect our children from all this suicided communism?

Buy my book.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Well, I got another ad for his book in a pop-up that was blocking his own video here.

Oh my god, my pop-up also popped up.

So funny.

And I saw his website there.

It was liberty sentinel.org.

And I was like, well, I'm checking that out.

I'm already on Rumble, so I got to throw this laptop out anyway.

I went to libertysentinel.org.

On the top of the landing page, it literally has a photo of Noah Webster, and it says the dictionary defines Sentinel as

Sentinel.

Fuck yeah.

I was so happy.

Oh, I bet his book is awesome.

So, okay.

There's also, I saw an ad for the Genesis Gold Group.

It's a faith-based, America-first gold buying-selling company.

Nice.

You want some patriotism in that.

So, okay, so now we're going to get...

Guys, this website's a gold buying.

I'm looking at it right now.

i'm so happy so okay so but now we're gonna learn what what we can do from a bit honestly like a refreshingly admitting it's a youtube show youtube show right yeah but the answer of course is we got to homeschool our kids yeah he describes homeschool as the gold standard and i wrote my notes yeah sure as long as you don't know what gold or standard means yeah right yep yep he says like look religious private schools can be fine but they can also be catholic so you got to be careful

yes he says that the thing about homeschool is it's not like government school because they don't learn things at them yes right you don't have to spend all day because they don't you're not really teaching them any meaningful thing so

And the lady interviewing him is like, oh, few.

Okay, good.

Good, good, good, good.

We're not going to like teach real things to kids.

I thought you meant something else by homeschooling.

I thought you meant government school.

No, no, no.

All right.

We're good.

He has one thing here where he's like, you got to ask them these questions.

Like, do they use Common Core?

How do you teach reading?

And I am so fascinated to hear how this guy thinks you should teach reading, right?

Because I know it's wrong.

Yeah.

I know, but how just how?

Yeah, it's like you can't read these words.

So, yeah.

Just the Bible, maybe.

There's also, I love this fucking line.

At one point, he says, you know, if you send your kids to some of these schools that teach Common Core, your kids will become, quote, woke lunatics that hate you, right?

That's the fear.

Yep, it's the schools doing that.

That's why the kids hate you, buddy.

Hey, if you're this guy's kid and you're listening to our podcast, and you probably are, we're going to send you a t-shirt.

Yeah, so we got extra t-shirts for you.

Triblend.

So, and then he's also talking to this woman.

He's getting interviewed.

He's like, so the afterword in my book, by the way, very long.

It's so long.

A lot of women can't handle how big

my afterwards.

Girthy and afterward.

But he explains that it's all about how you have to sacrifice whatever you can to not have your kids in public schools.

He says, in fact, that he would live in a cardboard box before he would put his kids in public schools.

Imagine doing a video about a book you wrote and spending a good amount of time about the afterward of your book.

You might think there's not a lot of book here because there's not very many chapters, but hear me out.

So really hit my swerve when it came to the afterward.

There's also a PS and a PC.

There's the SEF book.

Right.

So, and as though we're not already sold on this book, we get the closing hard sell from like every show he's ever been on, which includes and starts with Alex the Fuck Jones.

Let's close this out with some credibility.

Info Wars.

Yes.

And then we get a montage of people just

saying the title of his book and nothing else.

And somehow, like each of them, like less credible than Alex Jones.

Yes.

Starts with Alex Jones, ends with Roger Stone's show, which I learned at the end of this movie is called The Stone Zone.

Sure is.

God, that's fucking amazing.

By the way, one of the blurbs in the back of his book is from Michael Flynn.

Oh, I thought you were going to say Lindell, but okay, that's still pretty good.

I went on Amazon to look at it and I left a review.

It wasn't great.

Good, because they review the, it was like 4.9 stars with 83 reviews.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

It was way too high.

Just the information that now everyone has.

There's no call to action there.

We're fine.

And while I think the abruptness of the ending of the video would more than forgive me not tacking on an outro here, I just couldn't pass up another opportunity to sound all low and echoey in this installment of

God-awful minutes.

Before we roll the credits tonight, I want to remind you that if you've ever wondered what it would be like if Heath, Anna, Morgan, and I were all trapped in hell together, but were a dog, a cat, a goth kid, and a narc, there is a podcast that answers that question for you.

It's called D ⁇ D Minus, and I usually don't mention it in the outro because its release schedule is a little bit weird, not because it isn't a great show, but you should definitely check it out, and it is on the show notes.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with Morph Game with that.

Long be in the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister's show, The Skeptic, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday, and even a newer episode of our sister's show's Hot Friend God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show Citation Dida debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, this episode would fail in its foremost duties.

If I neglected to thank Heath Enright for rescuing the 30 seconds bit when I fail, I need to thank Eli Bosnik for always feeling so spectacular when he does fail that he doesn't need to be rescued.

I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for always making Halloween the best fucking day of the year when I'm not hospitalized with a coronary.

I also want to thank Robin from the Reviews That Burn podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

Check the show notes for a link.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds, Sarah, Frank, Lily, General Contact Unit Problem Child, and Robin, who are so hot their pumpkins start glowing even before they're done carving them.

And for the record, I totally would have played Robin's Farnsworth quote, even if she hadn't become a patron, just maybe not as quickly.

Together, these five ferocious free figures forewent financial frivolities this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the alliterative qualities it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists whereby you will learn only access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadius.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you spend all your money on absurdly expensive expensive Halloween candy this year, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking to social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadius.com.

Me and Heath stab you sometimes at live shows now to see who can get the most blood.

It doesn't take stabbing.

You can just clap.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2024.

All rights reserved.

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On top of contaminants they can't handle, like microplastics and forever chemicals.

At LifeSource, we believe your water should support your family's health.

Our whole house water system filters every drop that enters your home, delivering clean, healthy water to every tap, shower, and appliance.

Family-owned for three generations, we build every system, install it, and offer factory-direct pricing.

So end your water worries and upgrade to the essential home appliance you'll love using every day.

Drink, bathe, cook, and live clean with LifeSource water.

Now we are offering a double dip in savings.

Free basic installation plus an extra $250 off.

That's up to $1,200 in savings.

Call our factory at 1-800-WATER99 or visit LifesourceWater.com.

Hurry, off-friends, September 30th.

Warranty limitations apply.