472 - Wicked?, A Terrible Life, & The Golden Age Of Travel

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Namely, one country that's ever done communism the right way. Nobody can afford to live because of the billionaires.
Oh, you're so fucking ridiculous. You really sound like a fascist.

You're a fascist. Oh, everyone's a fascist.
Everyone's handling. Hitler.

Everyone's Hitler.

Everyone's Hitler.

Happy Thanksgiving

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show. What if you got to heaven and God was just doing a podcast? What if that was what it was? What if that was it?

You get to heaven and God hands you a mic and you sit on a couch and you're like, it never ends?

And God's like, no, I'm in an ad deal.

What if that's it?

And God's like,

isn't this wild?

You're like, yeah, it's crazy.

I'm happy I'm here. Then God starts laughing.
You're like, all right, I'm going to laugh.

God's like, yeah. Then God's reading an ad for calshi.com.

Just seems, you know, seems to be where it's all trending, where the afterlife is just going to be a very long

podcast where you get to ask God any, and he'll explain the whole thing to you. He'll literally go through the whole thing.
Like, you're like, can you tell me about creating the world?

He's like, yeah,

sure.

And it's just, you know, that's just it. There's nothing after that.

We've reached the end.

This is the end of things. It's just on a loop forever.
It's just just podcasting. Just takes.

Just takes. You and God just have takes.

God's like, Ariana Grande is very thin now. You go, yeah, it's disturbing.

Is someone gonna get her? I mean, that poor girl, I see her on that show, on that thing, Wicked,

which is,

they have the second Wicked now that's come out. And her and that other chick,

Cynthia Irivo,

they're very odd, but that Ariana Grande, that's who I'm speaking of, right? It is Ariana Grande. She looks very thin, like where I'm worried a little bit about her.

And hopefully

at Thanksgiving,

someone just kind of has a sit down with her and go, honey, you're going to have to eat some of this food.

You know, because it's making people a little like, today you got to prove it.

No, I am eating. yeah yeah but you got to hey

you got to eat a little bit of this food I know but my stomach feels hey hey

eat a little bit of the food not just a teaspoon of mashed potatoes you got to eat a meal in front of everyone because if not we're calling an ambulance That's the way Ariana Grande's at, where you go, if you don't eat a meal in front of your family right now, we're going to call an ambulance.

And we're going to force a pipe pipe down your throat and we're going to force feed you. And if you'd rather that, we'll do it right at the table.

If you want to put a feeding tube in, because that's, she's at feeding tube.

Ariana Grande right now is at feeding tube, where if a feeding tube,

and I'm not making light of this, if a feeding tube doesn't go in soon, it's game over. So Ariana Grande needs a feeding tube immediately.
And hopefully they do it Thanksgiving. And it might be nice.

Everyone stay at Thanksgiving. They go, Ariana is having a little issue.
So we're going to put a tube in her and

she can drink her dinner at Thanksgiving. Mash it all up.

Here's the thing. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to get in.
That's what I tell Ariana. It doesn't have to be pretty, but it's got to go in.

So if you want us to take some mashed potatoes, some gravy, or even like baby formula, if you want to start there with like baby formula and we'll put a feeding tube in you and we can start again like you're one, we'll do that.

But yours, you're you're so thin you look like you're gonna break and people are nervous. So put a feeding tube in

and we'll start with like baby formula and nutrients and then we'll work up to like a smoothie made of gravy and mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving.

I want her to thrive.

God bless her. She needs to eat, not as much as me.
I know the comments,

not as much as me, but

somewhere between where she is right now and where I am is the happy medium. Because you're going to have to put a feeding tube in her.

There's no other way around it. Can you get a photo of a, get a photo of Ariana Grande up and write the word thin.
Don't make a liar out of me.

Find a photo of a beautiful woman, talented woman, want her to get help, wicked, whatever. You know, great on Broadway.
Is it great in the movies? I haven't seen it. I'm sure it's fine.

That's not the point of this. The point of this is a warning, a word to the wise, a warning here.

Let's get some nutrients in this woman. Isn't it bad? Can I see it on the thing? I can't really see it on the monitor.

Is there a way for me to see it?

I guess I could look at it on my phone. But

she's

very, very thin, and it's disturbing a lot of people. And I just want it, I want it known that the Tim Dylan show

is offering to take Ariana Grande to Smith and Walinski's restaurant, steakhouse, and feed her cream spinach through a feeding tube. And I don't care who looks at us weird.

I don't care who looks at us weird. If Ariana Grande wants to come with me at my expense to Smith

Walinski's,

I will put a prime rib in a high

velocity food processor and we will blend it and we will put it in the tube along with a cream spinach and a coconut cake. We'll get it in.
All we got to do here is get it in.

Let's get the nutrients in the lady.

Go down to some of these. Some of these are terrifying they're just they're too thin

they're too thin

we want we want the best for her she's a really talented woman and and everyone has a problem

and everyone everyone does

this is but to me

now i haven't had this particular problem

but This can easily be fixed with a feeding tube.

Put the tube in. It's like sleep apnea, which I don't have, but a lot of people have it.
And you put that CPAP on and you go to bed, put the tube in, set it and forget it.

Get a tube in and get one in now.

And fuck them.

I eat through a tube. Tell them that.

Tell them the eating food revolt.

I feel revulsion at solid food. So I eat like a baby.
And there's nothing wrong with it because I want

the best for her.

Now, this is interesting because this is being recorded on Wednesday. Now, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Thanksgiving is passed. I hope it was good.
Now it hasn't passed yet.

But in the magic of the internet, this episode is being recorded on Wednesday night. You are going to get this on Saturday.

After you have Thanksgiving, I am having Thanksgiving with my cousin, a lovely aunt, my cousin's wife, fiancé wife, I think they got married to whatever.

And they're lovely people. We're going to a restaurant because that's the move when you're older.
The move when you are older,

it will take a lot of stress off a family when you just stop pretending this is a family.

Stop pretending

you have a family.

And it will just, it takes the pressure off these situations.

If you have lots of fun kids and everyone's running around, or even if you just have one kid and there's, if there's a point, but a lot of families, myself included, are older, childless ex-addicts who meet very much like an AA meeting

and love each other, care about each other, sure.

But

it's not a holiday

that's that's filled with,

and I haven't had it yet. So, by the way, I'm probably wrong.
And it's, it's lovely. And uh, but have a reasonable expectation of what these things are.
They're for children.

Holidays are for children.

And if you don't have a big, happy family, just grab a few people

in your family and don't try to cook or do anything at someone's home. Go to a restaurant.
You have an in and an out.

It starts at four. You're out at six.

Hug, kiss, bye-bye in the car.

Don't do anything in somebody's house unless you have an actual family. If you don't, do not pretend to.
Release yourself from the idea that you have to pretend to have a family.

Just go to a nice restaurant with people that you enjoy, whether they're blood relatives or not. And,

you know, that's all you have to do. That's all you have to do.

Nobody has to be like putting a meat thermometer in the turret. Hey, cut it out.
Especially all you divorce heads out there like me.

Once a family has been blended and it's like a divorced family, unless

you get a really, really good one,

you know, there's a ceiling to

the love that you feel because most people will be strangers. You'll just, you'll be sitting at a table with people you don't know.
Who are you? Someone will say that.

When you have a divorced family, somebody at the Thanksgiving will go, who are you? And you'll be introducing yourselves to each other at the Thanksgiving table because that's a stranger.

That's someone you don't know. And you just met them because your mommy or daddy married somebody's mommy or daddy and now you're meeting their cousin, whoever.

Just have a reasonable expectation of it.

Meet people and sometimes the move is to hit a few Thanksgivings.

Sometimes the move is to hit a few.

We're doing dessert with other people.

You know, whether that's true or not, you don't want to get in too deep.

Again, if you're in the if you're in a position like I am where you're a child of divorce and you go to a house, you don't know who any of the people are

and you're sitting there. There's a lot of kids.
Some young people listen to the show. They'll be sitting in a Thanksgiving

and someone will be talking to them and it'll be a stranger. They don't know who this person is.
Your dad is plowing some woman and he may not even have married her.

Your dad's banging some woman and her kid is talking to you or her sister's husband,

whatever is talking to you and you're sitting there and you're 16 or 17 years old and you're going, I don't know who the hell these people are. I don't know who they are.

They're not my family. It's something.

There's something. And you shouldn't be rude to them.
You shouldn't,

you know, be ungrateful for whatever they do for you. They might make you a nice dinner, but know that you are, your family has failed and you are living in the ruins of that.

Know that. You're living in the ruins of what was an attempt at a life.

You are now in the ruins of two people's lives, your father's and whoever's. You're in that now.

You're in the pieces that they're trying to pick up off the floor of their life.

Doesn't mean that mashed potatoes aren't good, but just know that you are in an experiment.

You are now a part of an experiment

of people who are trying to, and I don't begrudge them this, they're trying to figure out their life. It's, you know, it's nothing to do with you.

Nothing to do with you and do the best that you can in that environment.

If you're a child of divorce or you're in a blended family and maybe it's a super cool blended family like the ones on tv where everybody loves each other and everybody and and and it's not

it's not gonna be

so

you just have to do the best that you can living in the ruins of these people's lives they're they're trying to create a meaningful life

and you are just around. And there's nothing wrong with it, by the way.
It's actually good.

It's actually good

because you, you then can,

you know, you can enjoy it. And then maybe next year you go to mom's or Christmas, you go with mom and whatever.

I don't know. I don't know how you're going to live your life.

But,

you know, I was talking to somebody the other day about

Thanksgiving Eve. People used to go out in that analog, dial-up, weird millennial world.

People used to go out and they used to go to a bar with their friends when they came home from college. And I went to community college, so I didn't go anywhere.

And Thanksgiving Eve, people would come out, they'd get really drunk and really fucked up, and they'd see all the people that they knew.

And then they would realize they couldn't really be friends with those people anymore because something had changed. And what changed was time.

Time,

even that little bit of it, from

graduating from prom and graduation to November, which is

basically

six months,

even that has just now you're at a distance from people that you were close to. And that experience was an important experience going back and seeing someone, you go, oh, we're kind of tight.

Oh, I was going to visit you. Yeah, I was going to visit you.
And then nobody visits anybody. Or people do.
People will occasionally.

But it's the beginning of this, you know, it's the beginning of you growing up. And that's an important thing people don't do now.
People don't do that.

They don't really go out like, I mean, some people do. But people don't go out like that

and have that experience where they would see people on Thanksgiving Eve.

And like there'd be a cool family that would let you go to their house and you'd pre-game at their house and the mom and the dad would be trying to keep it going.

And you'd feel it for a little bit. You'd feel

that old, good old fashioned feeling of being drunk in the suburbs in America. That would be, it's a great feeling.

Truly, it's one of the best feelings in life is being drunk in the suburbs in America at a friend's home. in their backyard, smoking a

weed.

Yes,

it'll make some people schizophrenic, the weed.

But that is one of the greatest feelings you can have. But that feeling

is less and less fun as you get older. And it gets sadder and sadder and sadder as you get older.
And you get angrier and angrier as you get older.

And then the people who get drunk in the suburbs at my age are scary.

They're very scary.

When they're really drunk at the suburbs at my age,

they're usually not doing great.

But when you come back from college the first time and you get to go back to your buddy's house, and then maybe some of the high school kids are there and they're like, yo, that, what's that like?

And I remember that, and I remember I was in community college, but I was still fun and people liked having me around, but I always felt like, because a good friend of mine ended up going to Cornell, this kid that I was friends with, he ended up going to Cornell and I went nowhere.

And I felt very insecure about that as I should have. You know? Well, the joke's on him now because I'm the most important person in the world, actually.

But

I remember that. And I feel bad.
Part of the reason people are losing their minds right now is the internet sucks. It's not good.

Your wins are barely wins and your L's are barely L's, meaning like the lives that everybody has created on the internet are deeply unfulfilling lives.

And even remembering like simple things that you would do, you know, with friends or whatever, these things that are so important to do in life, people don't even do them anymore.

People don't do them. Everybody's being manipulated by algorithms and they're all going insane, but life's actually kind of simple and it's not that complicated.

And

truly,

one of the best things you can do when you're, you know, I know everyone's like, nobody wants to drink anymore, do whatever. And I'm, again, I'm sober 15 years.
I know that drinking can be fucked up.

But one of the best things you can do as a young person is be drunk in the suburbs of this country.

With your friends, there's only a finite amount of time that you will get to live a silly

life

without responsibilities. And

you should not

totally get rid of that to become some political psycho or somebody who needs to make a billion dollars in crypto tomorrow or LooksMax where you're smashing the bones in your jaw with a hammer.

And it's what people are doing. They're smashing.
And these are, they're already hot. These people are already hot.
And they're smashing bones with a hammer to make their face

shape.

And

this is a bad life.

If you're smashing your bones with a hammer to make your face, and you're already hot.

Some of these guys, I go, you're already hot. What are you doing? If that's what you're doing, or if you, if you,

if it's all politics, or if you are

trying to be so rich, and that's consuming your life, and you're not laughing with your friends, and you're not trying to meet someone, like it just,

these lives that people create, they suck.

Truly, they're not good lives.

You know, like you, you, you read about these people.

that are radicalized to one direction or the other.

They're angry all the time and they're they're

they have all this purpose and they're but but none of it's like none of it's to like

have any fun.

So everybody's trying to get rich and change the world, but no one's having any fun. I have a lot of fun.
I do.

I try even though sometimes it's hard because my phone is tapped and there's people trying to kill me.

And by the way, and I was texted Candace this morning, you know how insulting it's going to be when I find out how much they paid for me to get killed?

Nothing.

They're transferring, she thinks, or I believe her, she found something that they transferred $1.5 million to somebody.

I don't know what's going on, but you know, they're going to Venmo somebody $60 to hit me in the head.

You know how insane that's going to be? They're going to Venmo $60

for somebody to just come up and hit me in the head.

But I still try to have fun.

Small, you do small things

that are fun.

You don't need to solve the world's problems.

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The thing with having friends and going out in real life, one of the reasons you want to do it is so that you can meet people you don't want to be like.

Your friends have uncles. My friend had this uncle.
We called him drunkle. He was a great guy.
He had a chubby wife. They would drink and beat each other up.

And he hung out with us all the time. He was drunk and he was angry and he smoked.
And there's a lot of great things about him. But we said, we don't want to be him.

He lived in this basement apartment. Him and his wife get hammered and fall down.

And as fun as it was, we said to ourselves,

this is a

problem.

But they were very fun people. They were good people.
And they took us in and let us, you know, drink and use drugs in their home.

But we, we,

they just,

you know,

there was a really, really fat guy once in a limo, and we went to a strip club, and this really, really fat guy was like, what I got in that club, I'm gonna fucking tear it up. And then he just slept.

He fell asleep because when you're that big, his body's working so hard to just stay alive. He fell asleep in the strip club.
I'm sorry, in the limo before we got to the strip club.

And then we all went outside to the limo and he woke up on the way back

to

my friend's house where they were dropping everyone off. He had just slept the whole time in the limo

and he had never made it into the strip club.

And we said, and we said to ourselves, that's tough.

He was a good guy, but he was so big

that his body was working so hard to just stay alive. that he couldn't get into the strip club.
He fell asleep in the limo.

And we were in there a couple of hours. He just slept in the, in the,

he slept in the limo. It was just this really, really, really big guy sleeping in the limo.
And it's important for you to see things like that as a kid to go, I don't know if I want that.

I don't want that as a life.

Doesn't mean you're going to be perfect, but you go, I don't want that as a life.

You know, like the drunk uncle would break up with the chick all the time. They'd have these screaming fights.
She'd be banging on his door. They'd fight on the lawn.

The neighbors would call the cops on them.

And

they were fun, but you would say, I can't live like that.

Too much chaos.

And that's why you need to go out. But I feel like I got to be honest, not to sound too dark.
I just feel like that's not coming back. Like those real world

experiences that are so important aren't coming back. Where, you know, everybody's formative experiences now are all digital.
They're all online. So people are just

again

smashing the face with the hammer, the looks maxing, the Bitcoin. I need to have all the money in Bitcoin is what young people do.
I need all the money now.

I want to dropship.

I want to have a Lamborghini. I want to live in Dubai.
It's like, dude, relax.

Be 19. Calm down.

I mean, there's plenty of time in life for you to get involved in some scam.

It's like

you'll be around.

Statistically, you'll be around to get in a scam at some point in your life that won't work out.

You don't need to do it when you're 12.

You don't need to be in a scam at 14 years old trying to drop ship and playing these games.

People are just chasing

and online puts it all out there. It's like, you know what?

like all these coaches are always coaching people

as to how to like just make millions of dollars. And all these coaches do is drive around and have other people film them driving around in a Lamborghini.

So, I mean, I don't even understand what the money is for at this point. And then all these young people are like, well, I got to make all this money so that someone can film me

driving around in a Lamborghini.

And then

I don't understand. So So what?

I don't know. I mean, then you have a Lamborghini.

Okay.

I don't.

Is that all anyone wants?

Is to just live in Miami and have a Lamborghini? It's like a horrible life. This is people that don't know anything.
This is what you want when you're a 15-year-old.

You want to have a Lamborghini and live in Miami. You think it's a good life.
It's a terrible life. I know a lot of people that have it.
It's like a terrible life.

They live in like some white apartment that looks like they're living in a club they upload photos of themselves on on the terrace of that apartment which is are they paying for it who knows there's a film crew that's always filming them go from room to room to room and then they get in the lamborghini and they go out to clubs every night

i mean It sounds funny if you're 14. When I was 14, that's it's an amazing life.
Why would that ever get old? Hot chicks or hot dudes or whatever, and there's a beach and you're in Miami.

It's not great. I don't know one happy person that lives in Miami that has a Lamborghini.
Not one. Not one person in Miami that's genuinely happy that has a

$300,000 car in Miami that's really happy.

It's,

I mean, and again, it's not, it's not shitting on

people that want to make money, but

go do something you like. you got one life

you just want to make a bunch of money for what to get some whore

some only fans whore in miami to ride around in a lamborghini with you and do coke

like

i understand that it's it seems great to be you know doing lines of adder all at two o'clock in the morning wondering if some whore is stealing from your miami apartment i understand understand that that seems amazing.

Is this whore stealing my watch in a Miami high-rise? I know that's what people want, but

there's more to life than that, like a lot more.

Truly, you'll be happier doing other things.

You'll be happier doing other things with your time than that. I know that's the goal.
That seems to be the goal of like every person that exists on the internet under 25 years old.

They all want to live in Miami. They all want to have a Lamborghini and they all want to wonder if an OnlyFans whore is stealing your watch at two o'clock in the morning.

Is she going through the drawers? What is she looking for?

If that's the life you want to, and you want to go to the DJ, all these DJs.

You got DJs playing. And I like these guys.
I like John Summit. I like these people.
Enough with the DJs and the crap.

Enough.

Enough with this Coachella and all this garbage. Enough with this shit.
Enough. It's not a life.
It's not a life.

It is not a life to go to Coachella and dress up like an Indian and stand there in 98-degree weather,

you know, on

like Angel Dust or whatever. I mean, they're not even doing Angel Dust.
They'd be more interesting. I don't know what they're doing.
I mean, I guess they're on shrooms. What a bit Molly.

If they're on Molly, but it's not a life. It's not a life to stand at a con, stop with the concerts.
It's another thing. Stop with the concerts.
Enough with this crap.

Stop with the concerts. Enough.
It's not a life to go see live music. It's not a life with that, with these concerts.
These drug addicts, they get out of jail. They put them right on stage.

And you pay $120 to see some junkie with 15 children. Enough with the concerts.
Stop.

Stop with this.

Every minute of the day, it's someone at a concert. No one has a dollar to their name.
No one owns anything. Not to sound like Ben Shapiro, but he might be right about this.

Nobody has a dollar, and everybody's watching Billie Eilish pretend to sing for three hours. Stop.

Get a life. Get a job.

Truly, stop with this crap.

You're going to see DJ. Enough with this shit.
The bottle service, the Vegas, and the fights. Stop with the fights.
Stop with this UFC.

You don't have the money for that. Go get your own ass kicked in the streets where you live, where the government doesn't enforce the crime.

You go get jumped somewhere if you got a passion for that. Stop going to UFC.

Cut it out. It's It's not a life.

It's not a life going to UFC. It's not a life sitting in the thing.

It's not a life.

It is not a life.

Not a life.

Stop this shit.

I see all this crap online and these people just go from a Miami apartment to the UFC.

to a concert to see some junkie criminal. And you know what I mean? It's what is this? What is this? It's a collection of meaningless shit.

It's a collection of meaningless horseshit experiences. It means nothing.
Yeah, you know, I saw John Summon at the that we went. What the UF said? Did we went here? Did we went to this stuff?

It's nothing. There's no through line.

There's no through nothing. What are your photos gonna be when you're old? A photo of you

at a day party and fucking at the wind?

What is this? it's not a life

it isn't it's a collection of things that that look like a life from the outside

I'm telling you it's the and this is what the internet does it gives you the idea that these things are a life well I have a life I went to Coachella and we no no it's wrong

It's wrong. You think it's a life because it's a photo dump.

You went to brunch, you had a pancake that some Asian talked about. And that's great.
I like Asians. And I like what they're doing in the breakfast realm.
But it's not the point. That's not the point.

Oh, well, Tim, you have a pancake on your... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm in a game that I didn't create.

What I'm saying is this.

The things you're doing are not a life.

These random things you're doing that you're only doing because other people you know are doing them.

Other people you know are doing the things that you are doing.

Look, let me tell you something. And you need to hear this.
We live in a world that's designed to steal from you. It's designed to leave you exposed.

And the greatest scam of all the data brokers, these people are selling your life, your credit score, and pictures of your grotesque family to the highest bidder.

We all talk about how every move we make leaves a trail of text, a pathetic post. Every time you buy a coffee, nothing disappears.
And that's the problem.

After seeing what these scammers and identity thieves are doing with stolen data, it genuinely hit me. We are all walking targets.

I had a situation recently, and this is a true story, where somebody was trying to open a bunch of credit accounts in my name. This is not true.

They had my old address, my phone number, even the name of my dog, which is confidential. Never had a dog.
This information was out there, sold by some loser data broker for $5.

Criminals can open credit accounts, file tax returns, or even commit crimes in your name. These are all true things.
I mean, it just doesn't apply to me.

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Like our this Sean Duffy, this guy who's running the travel thing, goes how Americans turned flying into accessible transportation.

Secretary Sean Duffy urges travelers to dress up and be in a good mood. Hey, Sean, fuck you.

Hey, fuck you, by the way. Shut the fuck up.

How about you get the planes in the fucking sky, you scumbag, and shut the fuck up?

I'm sick of being lectured by this fucking government that knows nothing about what's actually happening out there, okay?

First of all,

first of all,

the whole entire experience of travel has become an unending hell, okay?

Everybody is understaffed. There are delays at all the major airports.
The airports are old. They've fallen into disrepair.
The planes are old. The pilots are underpaid.
The staff is underpaid.

It's a horrible experience, Sean.

It's a bad fucking experience. Let's watch him.
Let's watch this guy and fuck him. Something I didn't know in 2019, 400% increase of in-flight outbursts by passengers.

Because they've had it.

Because they've had it. There should be more.
Hold that. There should be more outbursts on flights.

You should get on a flight and start throwing haymakers. There should be, a flight should be non-stop fighting from the minute you get on a plane till it lands.

The way that you were treated when you travel in this country, there should be nothing but violence from the traveling public who've had enough. Let's see a little bit of this here.

Yeah, so Donald Trump talks about the golden age of transportation, the golden age of America, but the golden age in transportation truly begins with you, the traveler.

And so if you think you just

do it, stop that.

How would it begin with me, you fucking moron?

How would the golden age of transportation start with me when I get there

and I'm literally at the whole thing has nothing to do with me. I have no input on how anything's anything's run.
I just show up, you buy a neck pillow, and you get on a plane.

I'm there 40 minutes before the flight, thanks to clear. How would the golden age of transportation start with me, you retard? It doesn't even make sense.

The golden age of transportation starts with me.

Do you have no, you're the secretary of transportation. It should start with you.
How about not passing the buck to me?

Well, then what the fuck are you getting paid for, you scumbag?

The golden age of transportation starts with the people.

How about you, whose job, you're the secretary of transportation, you fucking scumbag.

At the baggage clan, you have passengers berating gate agents.

Because they're retards. Because they're fucking stupid.

Stop hiring stupid retards to work.

And they wouldn't need to be berated.

But since you keep putting these fucking Down syndrome people,

and no disrespect to them, by the way, I don't even like that I use that word, but you know what I mean.

I had a cousin with Down syndrome. I have no problem with the Down syndrome community.
I like them. They're sweet people.
It's not their fault.

But even that you are putting people behind the desk at these

things

that shouldn't be there. And then I shouldn't berate them.

Why should I not berate them? They're berating me. they're berating me

passengers on airplanes people dress up like they're going to bed when they fly

you don't even have a tie on you scumbag

they're having a hard time taking their luggage and getting in in the oversized or the above band help people out be nice be courteous and so we want to push people as we come into a really busy travel season help people out be in a good mood dress up bring civility back to travel and i think everyone's experience is going to be that much better.

Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't take off?

Why would I dress up when the plane doesn't leave the runway, Sean, you scumbag? You dirtbag.

Telling people to dress up. Get the plane in the air, you dirtbag.

Why would I dress up to, I know, I don't take these airlines, but why would people dress up to go to frontier airlines? Hey, Sean, their lives suck. That's why they can't dress up.

They're going to identify the body of their daughter.

That's why they're taking that flight, Sean. Maybe they don't want to put on a nice holiday sweater.
They're going to identify to see if the body in the lake is their daughter.

And they don't have a lot of money, so they're on Frontier Airlines.

And the body's been in the lake for a few days, so it's starting to, the stomach's distended.

But the facial features are still pretty intact, except where the wounds are.

Maybe they don't want to put on a nice, uh,

a nice pantsuit so they can go down to Austin, Texas and identify the body in the lake. Why do you think people are traveling, Sean?

They're traveling because their lives are terrible, a lot of them. Some of them are going to the holidays, sure.

But a lot of them are just leaving under the cover of night. Because they owe money and they're trying to settle somewhere else.

So maybe they don't feel like dressing up to get on a budget flight to Phoenix to work at another tattoo shop and hope this one works.

I'm sick of people in government going, well, the golden age of travel starts with you.

Dress up. Be courteous.
Hey, Sean, no one has any money.

No one has any goddamn money, you fool.

Why isn't everyone dressed up on the Southwest flight? Because everyone's fucked. That's why.

Why wouldn't they help someone? Everyone helps people with the luggage. Nobody doesn't help people with the luggage.
That's such bullshit.

Get up, get up, spirit, brawl, and hit image.

Spirit Airlines brawl.

Play something good.

This is what it is.

This is what life is. What year is this from? It doesn't even matter.

Yeah, play this hole. You got to be careful.

I want to feel it.

No war on if any of the passengers involved are facing charges. Spirit is looking into it.
Well, at the very same airport, tense moments for passengers.

This is a Delta flight where haze filled the cabin of a plane, officials say. Dress up.

How about dressing up for that?

Don't you want to dress up for the plane to go on fire?

then came the haze yeah the crew declared an emergency

immediately returned to the airport put on a nice good news no

injuries delta now looking into the cause

everything's a joke in this country

dress up nice the planes are exploding in the sky dress up nice

Have a holiday spirit and dress up nice. Every minute of every day, I don't know why I get every plane issue.

Every minute I'm awake, I'm getting some type of communication that a plane has been forced to turn around, okay, over the Atlantic because a pilot is trying to kill themself. Okay.

Every minute of every day, there's some engine failure, a fuel leak, a hydraulics issue, smoke in the cabin, an unruly passenger, a medical emergency.

People just get, people go on planes right now and just die, and then they got to land the plane.

So this guy is basically like, why aren't you dressing up for what's going to be one of the worst experiences of your life?

Now, here's one point he does have: you should dress nice when you fly because it might be the last time you ever put on clothes, it might be the end, might be dead.

There's too many people flying, there's too much travel in this country. It is motivated by this lie that there's meaning to be found elsewhere.
There is not, There is not.

Find a little corner of the world. Find a little store.
Find a lesbian who makes a little donut.

That's all. You know, you see her, you go there, and she'll be in early making a little donut, that little lesbian.
And you go in there, and sure, she's feisty and not fun to talk to.

But you get a little donut, you get a cup of coffee, you walk your dog.

Stop making this complicated. Find a little coffee shop where a lesbian makes a little donut, a little fritter.

But make it. I want to see them make it.

I don't want it shipped in from somewhere. And I don't even like when they buy it.
I want to see it being made

by a lesbian.

And then find an Italian restaurant called like Mama Giorgio Tori Saba.

And go to that.

once a week and get a bowl of spaghetti and talk to Mama Giorgio about all all the migrants.

And then you find a Chinese restaurant. You find a bar where you can go

and talk to the bartender.

You find a nice little gym. You find a little job.
You find someone to share it with.

And that's it.

That's it.

You're not this. Where are you going? Stop.
Where are you going? Can you imagine?

We're landing in Vegas in 20 20 minutes. For what? For what?

For what?

For what? To see a DJ and have your friend fall and die

because he falls off a balcony or something.

Just stay in your look. Just find a nice little town.
You can still find them, by the way. There's not a lot of them.
There's very few of them. You find a nice little town.

Where you can get involved with a few nice restaurants and a pub, and that's what you do. Do not overcomplicate your life.

You do not need a billion dollars in crypto. You don't need to be in Dubai because you're trying to not get kidnapped for your crypto.

I was at a lunch the other day, and somebody's like, that guy's got a lot of crypto, but he always thinks he's going to be kidnapped. I'm like, what is this?

What is this? What lives has everyone created, by the way? Oh, he did real well in crypto, but he thinks he's going to be kidnapped like every night. He can't even sleep.

Folks, just get a shepherd's pie at a local pub. It's ground lamb with

carrots, some potato, some mashed potato, nice crust on top. You know, I mean, I don't know what to tell you here.
I don't know what to tell you.

You want to be in Dubai with a billion dollars of crypto worrying about being kidnapped? What do you, what, what, can we stop this shit?

Stop this crap. Stop this garbage.

Get out of L.A. No one cares about your script.
Oh, you wrote a script. Cut this shit out.
You think it's 2004? Stop.

Go be a teacher in Vermont.

Just go be a teacher in Vermont. Teachers are lazy people.
They are lazy people. They do almost nothing.
Truly. Here's my impression of a teacher.
Hello, everyone.

Welcome to the class. Today we're learning about

photosynthesis.

The light comes in and it does, you know, chlorophyll. It's all green.
Fuck off.

That's it. That's all they do.
100 grand.

And then every summer, they get to go out and, you know, stomp around, do whatever the hell they want, get a side gig.

Just do that. Stop with this crap.

You're collecting all these experiences, but they don't lead to any they don't lead to anything.

They're all these isolated events that are there to telegraph to other people how well you're doing or how much you're raging or turning up or whatever the fucking, it just doesn't matter.

Just have local fun

and just be around

people that you have some level of comfort with. Everybody is over complicated life to a degree that's unimaginable.
I have a weird life. I have weird friends.

And a lot of them have high profile things and they're not happier than anyone else. Truly.
It's a public service announcement. Now, I'm not going to be friends.

I'm not going to not be friends with them, maybe friends with you.

What?

Some of these psychos on Instagram are like, what are you going to do with me? I'm a regular person. What? What?

Yes, relax. Nuts.
But the point is this.

Get a fucking...

So many people I know, they think life is such a complicated thing. They stress themselves out.
These kids stress themselves out. Find a good scam.
Find a nice little townhouse.

Enough with the garbage. Get a dog.

Get a dog.

Not the Shiba Inu. I don't like that.
It's too perfect looking. I don't dig it.
Everyone else likes it. I don't like that Australian Shepherd either, that Merle.
I don't like its eyes. But get a dog.

Go on a date. Go on date night with the wife.
You take her on a little date night. You go to the French restaurant in town.

You want to be in Dubai going is that is that a creak in the door or is someone kidnapping me for the am i going to get tied to the chair and tortured for my crypto

that's happening to people

all over the place they're getting tied to the chair and beaten for their crypto

and that's what everyone wants They go, I want to live in Miami and I want to get kidnapped in the middle of the night and taken to a warehouse and tied to a chair and beaten for my crypto wallet password and wonder all the way there if the OnlyFans whore I'm fucking gave them my address.

The answer is yes.

Don't overcomplicate your life.

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You've heard the name. You heard the song 1-877 Cars for Kids.
You could probably hum it.

1-8-7-7 Cars for Kids. You've got a car you don't need.
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You only drive one. Cars for kids.

You've got a car you swear you're going to sell, but haven't listed in six months. Donate it to Cars for Kids.
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That's cars with a K.

I hear Kesh Patel may be out. I hear Pete Hegseth might be out.
We don't know. Could be.

Is this Russia-Ukraine deal going to go through? I don't even care right now.

I don't even care about this Russia-Ukraine. I'm uninterested.

Caushi.com will tell you. Who will leave the role in the Trump administration? 12% say Cash Patel.
Here's what I'm saying, okay?

Be thankful for simplicity. This is really listen up here.

Really listen up. Be thankful.

for the simple things in your life, reconnecting with

people or,

you know,

having a good, productive first date or something, or working at Panera when you got out of rehab.

Yeah, it's not the best job, but you just got out of rehab. You're lucky you're not dead.

Be thankful for these things. Truly, be thankful for this.

Local is the answer. Global is not the answer.
Well, what's the Ukraine to shut up?

Tell me about your deli.

Tell me about the school you're going to send your kids to. Local is the answer.
Be thankful for local. I'm telling you.

You know, I talk to so many people and so many of them

are insane. And

their lives are so complicated. And some of that's their fault.
And some of that's not their fault. Some of that's just the way it is and the way it goes.

But some of the happiest people I know, there's such a simplicity to their life. They've learned that

they don't need, like everyone, young people today, everything's got to be dialed up to, everything's got to be the craziest thing, the richest.

I'm the richest person. Like, oh, everyone wants it.
And you're chasing nothing. You're going nowhere.

It's meaningless. The things you want are meaningless.

Develop some faith. Engage in a healthy way with religion.
Engage in a healthy way with a passion.

Truly, get a hobby. Get a partner.
These are all important things.

You don't need to be the richest person. You do not need

to make all this money in crypto. You don't need to have, you know.

You don't need to have a crazy social media presence that makes people feel guilty or something. You don't need to.
You can go have fun and not put it on Instagram.

And I'm not saying don't go have fun or don't go have experiences, but cut it out with half of the shit you people are doing. Enough of this crap.

Enough. All right, you know Chapel Roan.
Enough with this.

Who cares?

Who cares?

I know some guys are just posting photos with Chapel Roan. Oh, I know Chapel Roan.
So what?

Who cares?

There's nothing cool about that.

There's nothing cool about that. I know Marjorie Taylor Greene.
How about that, you scumbag?

Well, it's true. I hope she's well.

She's left the Congress.

I'm just saying that people need to...

People need to dial it down, turn it down.

I would go to these people

that have all these dreams with the looks maxing. They're all smashing their jaws with a hammer

and go, this is what kind of woman are you getting here?

What kind of woman is requiring this of you to smash your jaw with a hammer like this?

All you need to do

is be a person. Learn how to be a person.

I mean, I don't know. I'm just saying.
It's definitely,

I did a J. Crew commercial the other day.
it was a lot of fun there was a lot of kids on set because i was playing a coach

and they they were in the it's like a short film for for j crew i play like a ski coach who's yelling at the kids one of the children a nine-year-old started a rumor that i had a wig on

okay with the other kids he started a rumor that i had a wig on

i started going back and forth with this person who was nine years old who's actually very cruel another one of the kids they were calling me tim cheese they were doing the 6'7 they were trying to on me i called one of them i was like oh yeah young sheldon so i got him bad and i did hurt him i saw it in his face

um

but they were pieces of to me they were vicious they were disrespectful they were not professional at all because we're on set they're actually not professional at all

And it was hurtful because I thought that

there would be a level of respect and that their parents would have talked to them about who I was and things that I had accomplished. But that's not what happened, okay?

This show is like huge and no one, not one kid

cared at all about me. It was insults and insults and this one and that one and Big Back.
That's the one I called young Sheldon. He called me fat.
Then it became about Israel. Here's the point.

Who are these little bums?

I don't feel bad for them. I hope AI takes everything from them.
I said that to them. I said, none of you will have jobs.
AI will take it all.

AI will take it all.

Okay.

So

I'm just saying the experience I've had with that generation has been really negative. Really negative.
They're just all sociopaths. Okay.

Some of them are okay, but like

I'm,

they were trying, like, some of them were okay with the lines. I think I did a good time.
I think I did well.

You know, it was an all-day shoot. Everyone was getting tired, and everybody was

fighting,

you know.

But

they held it together for the most part.

You know,

but

I'm just like, I have a really limited interaction. Like, I don't, I don't know what's going on with younger people.
I just know from what I saw, I don't like it.

I don't like it.

I don't like it. There's no respect for authority.

One of them threw like a

sloth thing at me. None of it was cool.

None of it was cool.

So I'm just saying that

I want to give advice to people and tell them that like

all the things I see online, these trends are all ultimately very destructive. And, you know, I'm really sick of the,

you know, we need to make things easier for younger people and we need to change the value system because the value system is like rotted. It's completely rotted.

And the lives of the, I don't know who these people are looking up to. I don't know what, they're not even watching movies.
Like

you used to want to live in like a nice tutor style house in an area with like changing, you know, changing seasons and you have a little family and everything like that.

That's like the dream, the home alone kind of dream. You want a community.
You want a lot of people around you.

And now like everyone's like, how, wouldn't it be cool if I lived in Miami with an OnlyFans whore whore and we snorted Adderall and then someone kidnapped me because I have crypto.

And you're like, I just don't know what happened. I don't know how that became the goal of young people in this country.
It's like not good.

Everyone wants to be some type of quasi-criminal

who's like on a private jet landing at Opalaka Airport in Miami, ready to go rage.

You're supposed to be in the suburbs of America. Save the suburbs.
That's what it should be. You need, it's a very, very simple

thing.

It doesn't need to be the craziest thing. You don't need to, you can go to Coachella once.
You don't have to go every year. You don't have to go every year.

You don't have to go every year.

All right?

It's crazy. Oh, you're at the Caliuchi.
What's this? At the concert, the Caliuchi concert. Hey, hey, hey, enough with this.
Go to the dentist. Be a dentist.

Go be a dentist.

When someone goes, oh, I'm going to the Caliuchi concert, what are you doing? You go, I'm a dentist.

I'm a dentist.

You know?

You know, it's a

play a little bit of that. Of the Kaliuchi concert, if we can.

It's K-A-L-I, right?

Kaliuchi. I have a friend friend who's on tour with him.
I'm sure it's great.

Can we play this? We're going to get...

Play it a little bit of it.

Tyro.

It's fine. It's good.

It's good, but you don't need, folks, you don't need to do this all the time.

You don't need to do this all the time.

You know, this is all I see people doing. All I see people doing now is they just go to a concert.

They just take drugs and go to a concert. Who cares? Go somewhere else.

Stop this crap.

Don't get mad at me. I'm the messenger.
I'm the messenger here. Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm wrong. Thanksgiving dinner, tough in a tough economy.
Guess what?

So what? Do half what you do. Do half of the dinner this year.
Do half of the dinner.

Do half of what you usually do. And if people don't like it, have everybody bring one thing.
And it's already over anyway. This comes to us Saturday.
Who cares?

I'm just saying that's what I would do. If I was hosting Thanksgiving this year, you know what I would do? I would tell everybody, if you want to eat it, bring it.

Bring it if you want to eat it.

Because I don't have anything this year. That's what I'd say.
I go, I don't have anything.

And when you're not coming in my house, you're not coming in my house. We're going to sit in the driveway and we're going to solve the Charlie Kirk murder with Candace Owens.

That's Thanksgiving this year. That's Thanksgiving this year.

That's what it is. Come solve the murder.
Solve the case.

I come in, I have a big whiteboard. You come over to my house for Thanksgiving, a big whiteboard.
And I have names and planes, and

that's what we're doing. We're going through the whole thing from the jump.
That's what we're doing.

Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful for all of you, and obviously, the people who watch this show, I'm thankful for you.

I'm thankful for our brand sponsorships and partners that align with our core values and mission.

I'm thankful for

friends and family.

I'm kidding. I am.
I'm thankful for

the Mideast Peace Agreement.

I am. And I hope everybody there can just kind of take a moment because it's been a rough

couple of years for a lot of people over there. And I hope they realize that

life is so precious.

And it's time now for rebuilding and healing and not being a knucklehead.

Because the last couple of years,

people over there have been knuckleheads

and dodo birds. And if you're a knucklehead or a dodo bird,

it's not the way.

So, what I'd like you to do, if you're in the Middle East, I'm not even specifying where,

but if you're in the Middle East,

Israel, Palestine,

Libya, Lebanon, whatever,

Don't, Turkey, Saudi Arabia, even though you fired me, I've moved past it. Don't be a knucklehead.

That's all I'm saying. Hey, in Chicago, everyone's shooting each other.
Stop doing that.

I'm thankful I didn't get shot in Chicago. They shot seven people a few blocks away from my hotel.
I'm thankful. for that.
Stop shooting each other. I'm asking you nicely now.

It's not,

I need to think, oh, it's cool if I go shoot this guy. And maybe it is cool.

I'm not, you know, I can't tell you it's not cool. It's probably cool.
It's probably cool if you shoot a guy.

People will look at you differently. You'll be treated like a serious person.

You might get a woman out of it.

It is probably a... a cool thing to do if you shoot someone in Chicago and kill that person because now you're a legit person.

It kind of legitimizes you in the eyes of many people if you shoot someone in a callous way, like if you shoot them in the face, if you get out of a car and then shoot someone in the face in the middle of Chicago, it's probably a really badass thing to do.

But

still,

there's other ways. You know, there's other ways to get those things, get the respect and the woman.
Not as immediate, probably.

If you shoot someone, your cred goes up really high, really quickly, and people are

like overnight. People are like, wow, that guy's fucking, don't fuck with him.

But

there's other ways to do that that might take a little longer. You just have to kind of settle in and screw in for the long haul.

And

they shot seven people in Chicago, right outside of the Chicago Chicago theater.

And I'm grateful I was not shot. I'm thankful for that.

I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful for, because I've played that theater a few times.
I wasn't playing that theater. This time I was in some dump an hour outside getting some new material.

And thanks to everyone who came. But I've played that theater a few times.
And so I'm thankful I wasn't shot.

walking around downtown Chicago. Every day in this country that you're not randomly shot is something you should be thankful for.

Every day you are not killed in a car accident,

in a road rage incident, every day that you do not contract some type of tick-borne illness.

You should be thankful every minute

that

you are not victimized by some type of roving, frothing at the mouth psychopath who, you know, like we MK Ultra somewhere and like pulled out of the military to put into some special crazy program and like put them in a room with loud music and then just release them as like some type of kind of assassin psychopath and they just wander the highways trying to kill people the every minute that guy's not in your face is a good minute be thankful for that every time you're not killed in a national park

By whatever, because no one even explains what happens there. People just disappear.

But anytime you're not killed by some mysterious thing in a national park that nobody really wants to talk about, although there's areas of these parks you're like not allowed to go in and people don't really know what's going on.

Anytime that's not happening, be thankful. Be thankful.
Be thankful.

You know what I mean?

Anytime your child doesn't call you and go, there was a school shooting and my friend got popped. Be thankful because you're living in America.
These things are all tragic possibilities. Be thankful.

Be thankful. Truly.

You don't have to jump up and down or whatever, but like

you don't need to be a millionaire.

You just be thankful for the simple pleasures of not having a home invasion wake you up in the middle of the night. Be thankful.

My friend woke up with a gun in her mouth.

Give us the Birkenbags. Give us the bags.
We'll get out of here.

Be thankful. Be thankful that no one has woken you up with a a gun in your mouth for your pocketbook yet.
Be thankful.

Be thankful.

Be thankful for all these things. Be thankful that you are not,

you know, in some type of crazy.

Be thankful Israel is not blackmailing you.

Be thankful.

Be thankful.

Be thankful.

Be thankful you don't live in whatever, in that disputed territory, that Ukraine-Russia thing up there in the north. Be thankful.

Be thankful

that you are an American citizen with rights. Not a lot, and they will go away, but you have them now.
Be thankful for that. Be thankful.

You don't need to be a crypto billionaire who's kidnapped and tied to a chair and beaten for their password so they can take the fake money out of your account and the only fans who are you don't need all that you don't need all you don't need a camera crew that lives in your house that takes photos of you driving lamborghinis around a parking lot you don't need it you don't need it get a small

little place and hang out there and live a life like a human being you're not going to be able to do that soon everything i'm describing is the ultimate luxury soon robots are going to drag you out of your house and rape you on the lawn.

And there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it. So be thankful that you can have a shitty little life.

You're right at the end of humanity. You're right at the end of humanity.
Be thankful you can have a shitty little life because it's not all going to be sunshine and song.

It's not all going to be Coachella and cocaine.

We're heading to a real, real interesting situation be thankful that you can have a shitty little life in a corner of the world that is still pretty free for now be thankful

and I am very grateful and I am thankful for all of you

I was kidding about Israel love you

bye

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This is Matt Rogers from Los Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang. This is Boen Yang from Los Los Culturalistos with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang.
Hey, Bowen, it's gift season.

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