419 - Post-Thanksgiving Extravaganza

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Terms apply. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Post-Thanksgiving extravaganza, I hope you and your family had a nice time. I do.
I do. We kid around a lot on this show and we talk about some very dark things.
But I hope you and your family had a good time at Thanksgiving. Because you know what most families are doing right now instead of having Thanksgiving? And I'm actually a little disturbed by this.

Most families are doing away with the turkey

and they're just having sex with each other.

Most families in this country are having sex with each other.

Is that right?

Is that nice?

I don't think it is.

Most families are meeting up to have an orgy

Instead of saying, Is that right? Is that nice? I don't think it is. Most families are meeting up to have an orgy instead of Thanksgiving dinner where you would have a sweet potato.
Something like that. They're meeting up to have sex in the living room for hours.
For hours with each other. That's incest.
It's pedophilia. There's other philias.
So I'm just saying, to those of you who are celebrating the old-fashioned way by eating a meal with your family and not fucking them in the living room. And it's not just, oh, it's a different lifestyle.
Don't judge our holiday tradition. That's what one of my friends said.
I said, what do you and your family do? He goes, we all have sex. I go, that's sick.
He goes, don't judge our holiday tradition. Can you believe that? He said that.
Don't judge our holiday tradition. I like having sex with my own mother on Thanksgiving in front of my brother.
We take turns on our mother. All right.
Anyway, let's talk about tariffs. By the way, I excused myself for my own Thanksgiving.
I left. And I'm not going to do a whole thing where I go into it, but I'm just going to give you the cliff notes because you do listen to the program and they were insulting you.
They actually attacked the listeners of this show. And listen, here's the thing.
I understand people are upset about the outcome of the election. That is complete.
You are within your rights to be upset. You are within your rights to be worried or nervous or apprehensive about what's coming down the pike.
There are things that I may not agree with. I don't agree with anybody all the time.
So I'm just handling things like an adult. I'm an adult.
And I don't think that Donald Trump is going to destroy the country. But if he does, I will move to Tuscany.

I've said that before. I've said I'll go to Tuscany.
People think they corner me. They're like, what if he ruins the whole country? I go, I already want to go to Tuscany, even if it's fine.
I kind of am getting excited about Tuscany. Have you gone on Instagram and seen Tuscany where you have the pool and it's the Green Hills? Now, so the point is My father's wife

They're very liberal people. And I don't mean very liberal like liberal.
I mean like, they have dogs named Freddy, Maya, and Ruth. And the dogs are named after Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Maya Angelou, and Frederick Douglass, the freed slave.
My father chases a Bichon around the house named after Frederick Douglass, the slave. And him and his wife think it's okay.
Okay? That's the cliff notes on who we're dealing with, just in case you're accusing me of being from Maya. Maya Angelou, who's a black woman woman person, poet, who they've named a shih tzu after.
They're sick. I'm sorry, it's a disease.
Political extremism is a disease. I have to call it out if it's in my own family.
And I love them. But it's a disease.
If I was sitting around Thanksgiving and everybody had a burka on, I'd go, what's going on here? I'd call that out. Ditto if everyone was in the clan or whatever.
I'm just saying you're naming the dog. Wasn't Frederick Douglass, wasn't he the escape slave? You don't know.
We have a substitute producer whom I adore, but you have no idea if that was the escape slave. And I think it was, right? Isn't it? I think he was the first black man in the White House.
I think that's true. But am I calling him a slave for no reason? Because that's where I'm going to get into trouble.
He was a slave. He started out.
Why did my father and his wife... Get him up on Wikipedia now, please.
This is a show that people are watching with their families. Frederick Douglass.
He was an abolitionist. Let's see what was going on here.
Yes, he escaped from slavery. I know what I'm doing.
Why do I second-guess myself and waste precious time? My father and his wife have a dog named after this escaped slave. Is that right? Is that okay? Is that not sick? There's a level of political that you get sick.
And all they talk about is these dogs. All boomers care about right now is dogs.
Have you noticed this? Boomers could not be bothered with their children. They couldn't be bothered with their children.
Any boomer ever, if you ask them about their kids, I gotta cart them off to karate And then dance

And then swim practice, football. It never ends.
When do I have time to sit in the house and drink? They never cared at all for their children. But I think as they're nearing, thankfully, the grave, as they're nearing the grave They've realized they should care for something on this earth Besides themselves And it is a dog This is, anyone who has a boomer parent kind of knows this And it's not that we don't love them, by the way This is just, we've accepted We all accept As the boomers are careening towards the cliff and their own mortality, which by the way, I will say from meeting them at my mother's funeral, they are taking it in stride.
Like millennials are terrified, up Googling rare diseases.

How does it end?

Will I have done enough?

Zoomers are just so, everything's death with them.

I mean, the school shootings are mired in death.

They're nihilistic. It's on a, I mean, the guy next to them is foaming at the mouth on fentanyl and math.
They're really bleak, the Zoomers. But the boomers are very interesting because they really are marching towards death in kind of a very calm and peaceful way.
They came, they saw, they conquered. They came to a planet and destroyed it, and now they're ready to leave.
And so, but before they leave, they want to love one thing outside of themselves, and it is dogs. Every older boomer I know has gotten a new dog and keeps calling their child to tell them about the dog, how amazing the dog is, how life-changing it's been to have a dog.
Oh, we're at the dog beach. We love the dog.
You got to see the way this dog relates to the other dog. These are people who they're more concerned when their dog starts choking than they were when their kid was hit by a car.
This is true. And so they have these dogs they bring everywhere.
They bring, when they go somewhere, they bring dogs. They set up the cages, but they bring three dogs.
They live an hour from me. They get dog cages and dogs.
Dogs are running around the house. They're shitting in a house.
In a house. The dogs that I don't have and don't want and don't care about.
Little Shih Tzu. Bijan.
Not cool. It's not like Huskies in St.
Bernard. It's not an Irish setter.
It's like little pieces of shit. Little rats.
Little rats named after escaped slaves.

Okay?

They come over 48 hours early.

They come over on Wednesday for Thanksgiving, Wednesday afternoon to do cooking.

His wife wants to do cooking.

She doesn't do any cooking.

She brings over food and heats it up.

There's no cooking.

I get depressed with what's going on now with the holidays.

Don't offer to cook if you're not cooking.

Sorry.

Just don't do it.

I'll have it catered, something.

Don't offer to cook if you're not cooking.

It's rude.

It's disrespectful.

It's wrong.

And a lot of people are bothered by it.

Don't go to the grocery store and get a bunch of shit and heat it up.

I could do that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

It's wrong. It's disrespectful.

My family, we come from a great tradition of great restaurants and my uncle has been so kind to us and he's been so good to us because he's in the restaurant business and my grandmother was an amazing cook and would cook she would slave over the she'd Frederick Douglass over the stove for hours mashing potatoes and chopping celery and carrots and making homemade stuffing. So if you're going to cook, that's kind of what I expect, not getting a bunch of stuff and heating it up.
Sorry, not sorry. Sorry, not sorry.
Sorry, not sorry. Okay.
Love and light. Again, love and light.
Love and light. Peace, love, light, holiday spirit.
it. No problems.
Just, you show up with food in a crate

that you heat up. It's disgusting.
And then you complain that you're cooking. It's like this is how psychotic these people are.
They're psychopaths. They're psychopaths.
And again, not negative, but if you're claiming that you're cooking and you're not cooking and you're talking that you're cooking, you're a psychopath. It would be like if I was talking about working out all day.
If I came in and I just got in from a run. Somebody would call that out and go, but when were you running? No one saw this.
And it would be like if everyone in the house was like, good for you running. What route should you take? Where'd you go? You go up 27.
You make a laugh. Instead of someone going, what running have you done in your life? Like, but she's talking about cooking like it's happening.
This is what's bothering me. This is what's bothering me.
Can I be honest? Yes or yes. She's talking about cooking like it's having.
My father is talking to his slave dog who he's chasing around the backyard with the Maya Angelou and the Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the underground railroad of the canine underground railroad that they got running through the backyard. My house.
In the Hampton. Now, so, which they had to come to.
I would have gone to theirs but they had had to come to mine. They love it, love it, love it.
They want to come to my house. I didn't want them.
I didn't want them. Don't want them.
Love them. Love them.
But no one needs house guests. I'm 39, going to be 40 soon.
Nobody wants house guests. Nobody wants it.
I'm telling you right now, when someone says, why don't you come over? They don't mean it. If they're 20, they mean it.
They don't mean it at 40.

They don't want you there.

They do not want you there.

They want you there for a dinner, not a sleepover.

This is not a frat party.

Nobody's roofing anybody, okay?

This is not a bring out the Narcan and let's have fun.

This is come over for dinner and then get to step in.

Remember the great show Martin with Martin Lawrence?

He had some issues with Tisha Campbell,

but you know, it doesn't matter.

He had a great show

and he used to throw everyone out of his house

and I understand and respect that.

So my father's out there with his slave dog

and then my wife, who's a lovely lady,

but she keeps talking about cooking.

I'm cooking all day.

So hard to cook.

She has crates from the market.

My cousin and her went to the market and they got all this food that she's heating up in an oven.

They bought a turkey.

It's all fake.

The stuffing is Pepperidge Farm.

It's fake.

This is the way people eat in trailer parks.

This is the way people eat in trailer.

And by the way, if you're in a trailer park, God bless you.

I'm not going at you because we're going to get to elitism shortly. And I'm not that guy.
I love trailer parks. My point is this.
This is the way people eat in a trailer park. People in trailer parks are agreeing with me.
Pepperidge Farm stuffing. That ain't it.
That ain't it. You ate better than that yesterday, and you were with a bunch of people that weren't even white.
Right? Correct. So she brings over, like, you know, this is a lady who, God bless her, but this is a woman who one time for my birthday served me Tostitos scoops.
Me and my friend came over to her house, remembered a Tostitos scoop. Food can be a thing to show love to someone, but it's also a way to spit on them.
It's a way to spit on someone and show them that you hate them. Or you're jealous of them or whatever.
I don't know. You hate them or whatever.
I don't know what the problem is. I have a guess.
I should have been in the street dead. They wanted me in the street on junk.
And I'm in the Hamptons. They don't love that.
They'd rather me be dead. They'd want me, they wish every Thanksgiving they went to a grave with me in it.
Okay? That's what they want. No offense.
Now, the... What was I talking about? What was I saying? I was making a point about, was it a little pudding? A scoop.
Tostito scoops. Yeah, the scoop.
I have some to say, I'm a sticky toffee pudding later, but that's later. The Tostito scoops.
So So my birthday one year, when I wasn't doing well, by the way, when they called me once a year, when I wasn't doing well, they had me over for my birthday because they probably by accident found out it was my birthday. And I came over and they had to, and I went with Ray Kump.
And me and Ray Kump went to the house and we were stunned. We were stunned she served Tostito Sco, scoops, and the scoop, and then with like some loose beef and like heated up cheese, but it was crazy bad.
Me and my friend Melanie went once. She had like ham sandwich, but like cold.
Me and you went recently Me and you went recently

And it was cold chicken

Cutlets that were in the refrigerator

That she cubed up.

Like they were going to be served to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The dog.

Everything was freezing.

It is not.

If you cannot cook, stop cooking.

Don't cook.

We're not here to delude you.

I don't.

I don't.

I'm not.

I'm not out there talking about my flair with jujitsu. That I'm great at it.
Well, my friends are. A lot of my friends are good at it.
But I'm not doing that. You know why? I don't do jujitsu.
I'm not good at it. So I don't say I'm good at it.
I'm not lying. And I don't want it to be accepted.
When someone says something that's blatantly untrue, I don't have the emotional investment in, like, propping up your lies and your bullshit. So.
But here's the problem. I'm not going to be insulted in my own home.
I'm not going to have the audience of this show insulted. And I'm not going to have my friends insulted.
Okay? I don't care that you're unhappy with the election. That's not my fault.
I told you I'd put you in a good cell. I told you I'd get you a good cell.
And a hearing. A hearing? But I'm not making promises.
Her parents come in. These are very, very liberal people.
Which I think is great. I have so many friends of all different political persuasions.
I'm friends with everyone. Communists, capitalists, libertarians, radical Jews, Nazis, black Israelites.
All my friends. It's America.
It's 2025. We have a communal table where everyone's welcome.
That's what I want. A Thanksgiving of all the types.
She's their daughter's their daughter's environmental lawyer. They don't talk, these people either.
They don't say anything. They just sit silently.
And then my dad will say something and then her daughter will be like, you like RFK?

My dad's like, I like some of the things he says.

So it's that energy. It's that energy

in my house.

It's my home.

It's my home.

Don't insult RFK in my

home.

He's my friend.

It's true.

And you're actually

See you next time. He's my friend.
It's true. And you're actually allied with RFK because you made a bunch of food no one could eat.
It was the healthiest Thanksgiving I've ever had. So the parents, her parents come in and they start in.
First of all, I make a plate. I refuse to eat the food.
I sit down at the table. It's unedible.
It's cold and it's unedible. I won't do it.
Life is too short. I'm 39.
People I know are going through horrible things. Some of them are not.
I don't really know anyone going through horrible things. This is my point.
I don't even know why I'm saying that. But the point is this.
My point is that there are people out there going through all kinds of things. Life is too short for this bullshit.
It's too short. If your family cannot accept you, you have to just find a way to just live and let live.
And not everybody has to love everybody all the time. And not everybody has to be in everyone's face.
And it's not negative. There's no baggage with it.
But if you cannot sit through a dinner without going off on the election and losing your mind, then I can't have you at the home. I'm sorry.
It's rational. You have to behave like a rational adult.
And I feel for these people on the left, man, because they don't understand why they lost. They still don't get it.
It's because the only thing you people have left is a smug sense of superiority, and most people would rather die than agree with you. They'd rather give up their rights and walk into the fire than spend five minutes with you because you cunts are so smug and superior and it's based in nothing.
It's based in the fact that you went to a fucking four-year college and someone stamped a fucking degree on a piece of paper so you can sit at a big Fortune 500 firm and lecture everybody else about trannies. Shut up.
It's Thanksgiving. Cook the food, it's cold.
I don't give a shit. I'm sick of this crap.
I'm a literal faggot. Do you understand? Suck, cock, faggot.
I don't care about this queer model. All you white chicks are queer.
It's fake. It's all fake.
Chapel Road's probably not a lesbot. That kid in Heart Warmer, Heart whatever it is on Netflix, he ain't a faggot either.
The Kit Conner, they lie. They're lying about everything.
It's fine. It's fine with lying too.
Keep lying. The public doesn't deserve honesty.
But don't come and lecture me.

Tell me you're queer and you found out five minutes ago that you're queer and you're dating a guy.

And now you know everything about the struggle

or whatever the hell you think you're in.

Whatever movie you think you're the lead character in.

It bothers everybody, okay?

If you can't make it through a dinner without misbehaving, like a dog, you must go. You have to eat outside.
That's all. This is advice.
Life is too short. If people are going to insult you and your friends and everybody else, and they're going to be miserable, and they're going to sit there and be doom and gloom and misery and fill your life with misery because they're miserable and they're upset, and they want to...
So here's what happened. I'm going to tell you what happened.
I wasn't going to even discuss it. I wasn't going to discuss it, but I have to discuss it.
I have to discuss it because this is not me and my life. This is you and your life and everyone's life.
By the way, over the next few months, this is not rare. This will not be rare and it will not be new.
You will experience this and it's okay. Okay? It's okay.
I'm telling you how to deal with this. Get in your Bentley and go to the diner.
Telling you right now. I'm sitting there at my table eating cold food.
That was not cooked. It was heated up.
But not heated up. It was out on the table at 10.30 a.m.
It was out at the table at 10.30 in the morning. And then the turkey was finished at five i was invited to the kennedy house i i didn't go i didn't go to have thanksgiving with bobby and cheryl so that i could sit here with these liberals and their cold food and their scowls and their dogs named after slaves how dare they that's not appropriate that's.
That's not allowed. Do you think black people would feel good if they said, meet my dog.
It's named after Frederick Douglas. And the other one's named after Maya Angelou.
Is that all right? Is that allowed? It's a disease. You people have a disease.
We're sitting at the table. I've made a plate.
I cannot eat it because it's cold and the food is disgusting. My cousin's eating it.
God love her. God bless her.
But she also says this is disgusting food. But she's trying to put on weight.
So we're sitting at the table. And this woman's parents are there.
And they start going, so who listens to your podcast? What's the demographics? Do they have college degrees? Are they college educated? The people that listen to your podcast go, yeah, a lot of them are. I said, I don't really give a fuck.
I, you know, and instead of like flying off the handle and going, you know, they paid for the house you're sitting in right now. The people that listen to the show and they come see do stand-up and all this shit.
But I knew where they were going. This is all they have left, by the way.
All they have left is this. By the way, once all these people are thrown in the street, burned like the witches they are, the Democrats can get new people and they can be a viable party again.
And I think we need a two-party system. But you have to burn the witches.
You have to burn the witches. One of the people there, this woman's daughter said to me, she goes, do you spend a lot of time in the Hamptons during the winter? I said, no.
She goes, why? I said, because it's cold and dark and there's nobody around and nothing's open. She goes, well, I would like that.
I go, oh good. But that's the life of a witch.
That's the way a witch lives in the woods, all alone in the dark. I don't want that.
It's Thanksgiving. No demons, no demonology, no Satanism.
Thank you. That's all I'm asking.
Is that too much to ask? Hot food, no Satanism, please. Thanks.
Now I'm at the table and they start, they start in the level of education. And how many people listen to this? And I go, well, we get a million every week.
Millions, lots. Well, do they have college education? Are they college education? And they kept hammering this.
And I knew where they were going and I know what they're doing. And this is what they are convinced that the fake thing they set up where you, by the way, it's amazing to see liberals defend the war industry, the pharmaceutical industry, and the toxic food industry.
It's amazing to watch them defend all those. Now they're also defending the importance of the college slush funds, Sally Mae scam, where people are tricked into taking out $200,000 loans to get degrees of communications from the new school, Binghamton, Newhouse, whatever.
And so I'm sitting there and all they have left is this sense of status that has been bestowed on them by a school. And to me, the most interesting people I've ever met in my life, some of them have been college educated.
Some of them haven't. Some of the smartest people I've ever met, I'm not college educated.
A lot of my friends dropped out of college. A lot of my friends, I have friends that went to Harvard.
So to me, it is not about that at all. It's not about that.
But there is this very weird thing where the Democrats are running around going, everyone that has college degrees voted for us and everyone who didn't is an idiot. And all the people that we pretend to care about, like the workers and minorities that are working in labor and in the service sector and all the people that we care about, that we don't actually care about them, we think they're idiots.
They're actually idiots. And we like college-educated people.
So it need not apply. If you don't have a college degree, I guess you don't need to apply.
They don't want to speak to you because you're not going to understand their gender gobbledygook or you're not going to understand why the Ukraine needs another trillion dollars, by the way. You're too dumb.
You're too dumb to understand how men can get pregnant. That's only for really smart scientific people that have graduated a four-year university.
Okay? You mouth breather. You don't get it.
You don't get why Israel needs another 90 billion billion to put the Palestinians on skewers and then make little kebabs out of all the Palestinian children, which is what they're doing. But you won't get it.
So they start in on that stuff. They start in on it.
And because my father's there, I'm not going to be a dick. I said, listen, I text my cousin.
I go, get your stuff. I excused myself.
I went upstairs. I got my stuff.
I had brought two pies from the Jericho Cider Mill, apple crumb pies. I stole them on the way out.
And I took them out through the garage into the Bentley. I put my cousin in and we got out.
Then we went to my other cousin's house. We had a lovely Thanksgiving with his mother, whom we adore and love.
But I'm not, and I didn't make a scene at all. I just said we have to go.
It was a little startling. It was abrupt.
I said we have to go to prepare for the new regime. I did say that.
I did say we must prepare for the new regime. I'm not going to sit here while they insult people.
It is really the shittiest thing in the world to go to somebody's house and try to insult them and say you're an idiot and the people you talk to are idiots you're allowed to feel that way feel that way from your own house which isn't in my neighborhood feel that way any way you want feel that way when you lose another five swing states maybe you lose it uh maybe you know you lost a popular now every article's like well we didn't really lose that much it wasn a... You lost every swing state.
And the guy won the popular vote. You lost the Senate.
And you lost the House. You lost it all.
Well, it actually wasn't that bad. So I'm just saying, if people cannot conduct themselves appropriately, you do not have to have them in your home.
I spent a long time in my life believing that to be a good person, you had to tolerate people's behavior just because you knew them. And these aren't even family members.
These are extended family, married in. This is not nuclear.
It's not blood. These are these divorced families that don't really work, by the way.
Some of them do. A lot of them don't.
Okay? A lot of them just don't. When you're at a Thanksgiving, you don't know who the hell's who.
It's not ideal. Pass the gravy, stranger.
But I'm just saying, if you're going to insult Rogan and all these people and say this and that, you got to go. You got to go.
I don't, we don't need you here. We don't need you here.
I could have been at the Kennedy's grandma attacks family, stabs daughter during Thanksgiving argument. Well, I didn't go in this direction, but I could have.
55 year old Memphis grandmother arrested for Thanksgiving melee. Police say grandma was heavily intoxicated before stabbing a granddaughter and hitting grandson.

Let's listen to this.

Let's see if my, yeah.

Go back.

We're going to start this again

because I like these happy Thanksgiving stories

because by the way,

it's not always going to be love and light and peace on earth and goodwill to men. Sometimes it's going to be get your blade and do what you will.
And we have to love this country in all manifestations. And we have to love things like that.
We can't demand always a Thanksgiving where everyone's happy. Sometimes we have to demand a Thanksgiving where there is justice.
Let's watch. This all happened on Delta Road around 3 this afternoon.
Fox 13's Sierra Jordan breaks down the moments leading up to this incident. Police say a grandmother stabbed two of her family members after a verbal argument happened inside their home on Delta Road.
The neighbors I spoke with were shocked to find crime scene tape blocking off their street as they were celebrating Thanksgiving with their loved ones. And it's just kind of unfortunate to have to go through this on Thanksgiving Day, James Stevens and his family were enjoying their Thanksgiving Day meal until they were interrupted by the sound of sirens coming from outside.
And we come outside to see all the yellow tape around. Got the street blocked off down there.
Those sirens were police responding to an aggravated assault at a home on Delta Road just after 3 p.m. Police say a woman and her mother were arguing about various things, including the suspect pushing her son.
Then police say the grandmother attacked her with a knife she got from the kitchen. The victim suffered abrasions to her left hand.
Just moments later, the suspect then struck her grandson with a knife in his left hand near his thumb. That is when the grandmother ran away from the scene before officers arrived.
The violence around Memphis is still very high. It's just, you have to watch yourself on every corner and right here in our own home and neighborhoods.

Family, getting together, family, friends, feasting.

Never this.

Right, right, okay.

Well, listen, I withhold judgment because I don't know what they did to that woman before she grabbed the knife. I have no idea what they did to her.
Did they ask her about her college years? What did they do to her? You don't just pick up a knife. I'm not saying it's right.
I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying you don't just pick up a knife on Thanksgiving.
You're driven to that. You're driven to picking up a knife.
Okay? I'm not saying it's ideal.

I'm just saying, hey, can we at least,

I want to hear from the grandmother.

Get up, put the boom mic through the bars of the cell

to talk to grandma.

I want to know why grandma grabbed the knife

on Thanksgiving and went nuts.

People are pushed.

People are pushed, man.

I'm telling you,

you have to create a space in your life.

What do they say?

Wicked.

They go holding space or whatever.

I'm holding space.

That's right.

Yeah.

I'm holding space.

What does that mean?

That's holding space for what?

So it's for the song Defying Gravity.

Yes.

So people are holding space with it. That's the context of the sentence.
What is the meaning of that? I think it's up for your interpretation. It's like holding space for people that are marginalized? Is that what it is? Does anyone know? All right.
I don't care that much, but I think it's one of those things where it's like holding space for people that, for trauma, for people that have trauma. People that want trauma.
A lot of people want trauma in this country. Let's be honest.
A lot of people are going, where is trauma? Where is, I'm going for it. A lot of people want trauma in this country.
They indulge in it. They roll around in it like a little pig.

And they want it.

And we have industries upon industries built on getting it out of them

and then dousing them in it so they can never escape it.

Museum of Ice Cream.

Near and dear to my heart, the Museum of Ice Cream.

I love them.

They are now being sued over the sprinkle pool because a weak father, this freak, he said he was injured jumping into the Soho sprinkle pool. I really dislike people, by the way, who ruin a good thing for everyone.
Let me tell you exactly what this is. Okay.
In New York, which used to be the cultural epicenter of the world, but is now a large hatchet-throwing installation, as far as I can tell. That's what New York has become now, by the way.
It's escape rooms and come throw the hatchet and, oh, look, it's Harry Potter on Broadway. It's hell here.
It's become a hell. But it's a big chase bank where you can throw the hatchet while they run your credit.
That's what Manhattan has become. So in the middle of Manhattan, they decided to build something called the museum of ice cream.
And, uh, people go there and they jump in a sprinkle pool. This is what the greatest city in the world is doing by the way.
And these two news anchors are going to, with a straight face, okay, talk to you about the Museum of... And by the way, thankfully, we now have the Raising Cane's Global Headquarters in Times Square.
Everything they said the city was going to become, it is becoming. Let us watch this father who injured himself in the sprinkle pool at the museum,

which my fat old agent took me to.

Fatty Boom Batty.

God love her.

She hates when I say things about her.

She was a great agent.

Love her, love her, love her, love her.

And she took me because she had a couple of Fatty Boom Baddies as clients.

And we went to the Museum of Ice Cream.

And the Museum of Ice Cream isn't great.

Because here's the thing about Fatty Boom Baddies.

They don't really give a shit.

Like, it's like, it's not like, hey.

It's like, hey, where's the sample?

No one cares that much.

It's not Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory here. We don't give a shit.
We want the ice cream. It's like the Ben and Jerry's tour.
We don't care. Let's skip till the end.
How about we go to the boutique? Let's skip till we go to the boutique, okay? We don't care about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're communists.
We get it. They're communists.
They like mint. Great.
Let's skip. Where's the scoop shop? The sprinkle pool at the Museum of Ice Cream is now at the center of a lawsuit.
A father is claiming he was injured earlier this year when he jumped in. Christy Kalishian has the story from Soho.
It's not quite like jumping into a ball pit. The Museum of Ice Cream's The Sprinkle Pool has a harder landing.
I saw a couple kids land pretty hard, so I'd be surprised if an adult would jump in there. But that's what happened back in late March, according to a lawsuit filed by Jeremy Schor, who says he got hurt in that sprinkle.
Do pedophiles design everything? Is there anything not being designed by pedophiles, by the way? Is there any public art installation not being designed by pedophiles in this city? Well, what if it's a pool of sprinkles and all the kids jump in? That person should, from that suggestion, there should be a chute that opens and they go, and they go right into a cell, into jail. Right to jail.
I mean, Jesus Christ. ...
Ankle pool when jumping in earlier this year, while at the museum Soho location with his daughter, the complaint sites an ankle fracture and quote severe and permanent personal injuries to his right leg, ankle and other parts of his body saying you need surgery. Should have seen that it's not that deep.
So you should like put your foot in first at least and see it's like not that deep. It's like this deep, we don't do that.
The pool here seems to be at about ankle, maybe mid calf for a little kid. And they are hollow.
There's these little thin plastic sprinkles here. Videos of other people jumping off the nearby diving boards were also included in the complaint.
Like this one, where this woman says she sprained her leg and needed crutches.

And another, showing a woman falling dead.

Why are you getting in? You're an adult.

You're an adult.

Stop that for a second.

Why are, in God's name, are adults, and they didn't have this years ago when I went,

why are they jumping into the sprinkle pool?

Look at this retard.

Look how stupid this person is.

This is a grown-ass woman doing a cannonball

onto a fucking floor with a foot of plastic sprinkles.

Play that again.

I can't get enough of it.

That was like my Thanksgiving dinner. That's how it went, by the way.
Just like this. Boop.
Why do you realize this? Number one, think of how stupid we are as a society now. That we even have a sprinkle pool.
And that it needs to be regulated. That's how bad we are as a society, that there exists a thing called a sprinkle pool.
You can't just eat ice cream. You got to jump in a pool of sprinkles.
Now, by the way, I think this guy knew this was like this. I think he needed a lawsuit.
I think this is a guy who goes, I'm fucked. I need to go jump in the sprinkle pool right now.
I think he was sitting there talking to his wife.

And he goes, I've been to that.

I've taken our kids.

I've seen a couple of people really injure themselves.

I know how to get us out of this.

I can get us out of it.

They're sitting there.

They're having a rough breakfast.

She's going, we are fucked.

We have about four months of expenses left.

And then we are fucked. We've got nothing.
He goes, all right, all right. Listen, you're going to think it's crazy, but I'm going to go jump in the sprinkle pool at the Museum of Ice Cream and sprain my leg.
We'll scare them. It'll get a lot of bad press.
We'll settle out of court. Four or 500,000, something to keep us alive here.
John, that's ridiculous. I'm telling you.
I've seen people. I saw some dumb bitch do a cannonball into it the other day.
People are getting hurt. Really? Yes.
I'm just saying. I'm going to go there and really hurt myself.
John, don't do any permanent damage. I got a doctor.
He'll say I'm all fucked up Really? Yes, I'm telling you I mean Listen to this, the complaint Failing to have sufficient, proper and adequate Warnings about the dangers and risks Of the sprinkle pool, can you imagine this? Can you imagine Being a grown man A grown man A. People in the Ukraine are dying.
People in Russia are dying in this three-year bloody battle, right? People in Gaza are being lit on fire, okay? People in Israel got kidnapped from a music festival and ended up in a tunnel, okay? People all over the I, my parents have dogs named after Slate. All of the problems in the world.

And this guy. Okay? People all over the eye.
My parents have dogs named after Slate.

All of the problems in the world.

And this guy is suing the Museum of Ice Cream

because they have not sufficiently warned him

about the dangers and risks of the sprinkle pool.

Can you...

You can never tell that story.

I don't care how much money you get. You can never tell that story in mixed company again.
Well, Joanna just got over cancer. Well, John actually injured himself at the, have you been to the museum of ice cream? He jumped in the sprinkle pool and hurt himself.
He has tendon issues and kind of nerve issues, a lot of neuropathy. He's got a lot of pain.
And I'm telling you right now, this is the most undignified thing I have maybe seen in seven years of doing this show is that a man has injured himself in the sprinkle pool here. Let's finish this up.
It's disgusting. A lack of proper warnings about the risks of jumping in and how the museum has advertised the sprinkle pool as a place to plunge in.
Before entering the pool, patrons are told to take their shoes off. They're also told by this sign here, cross from the little cubbies, not to run and not to dive, as well as not to eat the sprinkles.
I really believe I hope Trump if he does anything I hope he bans all of this. I hope he bans all of these experiences and he brings back just hookers and gambling I all of these experiences that people are getting into, these like viral marketing stunts,

this hatchet throwing, these escape rooms,

these weird, odd, like quasi, you know,

social experiment type.

I just, I want it all gone.

It should not be in New York.

Let it happen in other places. Let it happen somewhere else.
I don't feel comfortable. And if it happens, let it be a pop-up.
This thing's been there like a decade. I'm uncomfortable with the level of banality and mediocrity that New York City is just, it's just churning out all of this very like basic stuff for basic people, which is not what it was, the city was not intended to be a mall in the suburbs.
It's not what it was intended to be. I mean, the fact that we have a sprinkle pool and we have these retards who don't know that they shouldn't dive into it.
What's going on here? I don't like this. It's, it's just becoming like a silly.
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I'm telling you, the holidays are coming up, and it's amazing. Give it to anyone.
They'll love it. By the way, the Thanksgiving Day Parade, I don't know what it is.
It's dark now. Something happened to this parade.
Something's wrong with it.

I don't know what it is.

And it's not like Disney is trying to make your kids gay or something.

I'm not going in that direction.

I'm just saying like the actual parade itself.

Can you play some footage of it?

I know they were in the rain.

There's just, the magic is gone.

I don't know what happened.

Is this this year? Yeah. Can you just pick a random spot and just play something? It's, this is not good.
It's dark.

Something was off this

year and a lot of people agree with me.

When you

watch the parade, like something was

odd. It just didn't feel.
What is

that? What is that?

What is that thing?

Some sort of anime character.

What is happening? The balloons are scary now What is that? This is the green giant Why is it a thing? Isn't that the vegetable? Yeah Something's wrong here If I showed you this and this was the beginning of Batman

and it was creepy and eerie, you would go, yeah.

Am I totally wrong here to say that there's just,

is it just the rain?

Why is this person on stilts?

There's something dark.

Look at this.

Listen, maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm going crazy

and maybe people that are listening to this are free to say that I've lost my marbles There was something about the parade this year Get some more of it up There was something about it this year That I found very disconcerting I didn't find it to be warm And wholesome and fun And again, it's not because it was like the Drag Queen Story Hour float,

although the Death Becomes Her was a little odd, but it's fine.

What is this?

The Kinder Bar chocolate float?

That's a lot of brands.

It was all SponCon.

It's all weird SponCon, and no one looks into it.

Hey, it's SpongeBob. Great, Spongebob.

Great.

What is this?

I know it's raining

and maybe that explains it,

but no one looks into this anymore.

People look like they're...

This is like a Soviet-era parade.

This is like the military

parades in Moscow

seem... People seem happier.
This is like the military parades in Moscow people seem happier.

This seems like people were conscripted

and drafted into this.

No one looks happy.

They look like they're like...

Again, I've watched

this every year since I'm a kid

and I

just felt weird about it this year.

It's something weird. This is the marching band from Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
This is like their whole year, huh? They come to this rainy slum. And New York's the greatest city in the world.
I don't mean it's a slum, but I just can't. I couldn't get into it this year, and I felt bad about it.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Homeless court in Florida, this is going to be really great.

New program exchanges homeless crime sentences

if defendants show they are taking measures to end their homelessness.

I like this because here's what we're doing.

Number one, homeless court is going to be the best news show on TV. and their homelessness.
I like this. Because here's what we're doing.

Number one, homeless court is going to be the best news show on TV.

Instead of, like, just helping homeless people, making them show up to a court and kind of verbally joust with a Judge Judy type

is really a good idea.

Make the text bigger, if you could. Because this is Orlando, Florida.
Amid fears that a new state law criminalizes those who sleep outside, Central Florida leaders are coalescing around a diversion program to waive court sentences for people experiencing homelessness in exchange for pursuing treatment, housing, and employment. Such a program is called a homeless court and could apply to unsheltered residents who are frequently arrested for violations like public urination, disorderly conduct, or public sleeping.
They often are unable to pay the associate fine, and arresting them only creates more barriers to getting back on their feet. Under some models of the program, a homeless court judge could drop charges if someone takes concrete steps to end their homelessness.
I like, this is a good idea. I think it's pretty cool.
I like it. So, the homeless show up to the court.
And is it where we solve disputes between homeless people in the court? I like that too. If we find two homeless people that are fighting over something, a resource, we bring them in and then like a Judge Mathis style, Judge Judy, kind of gets to the bottom of it.
There's something great about that. That idea of just because they're part of our society, they're having disputes.
Homeless people are disputing things. That was my chair.
Stuff like that. That should be adjudicated in a court of law.
A homeless court can't provide shelter to those who need it. Central cities and Florida counties to face an urgent need to create more shelter beds, but it can help take advantage of the options that exist.
Such a program would likely exist outside of a traditional courtroom, though it would still have a judge, a public defender, prosecutor, and other features of a typical legal practice. This is fucking great.
Get it out, like do it on the street. Have like a fun homeless court.
Build one with like tires and chicken wire. And you build a podium with like, you know, the homeless court should look like where homeless people live.
It's ridiculous to put them in a court like these big marble halls.

It's insane.

Build a homeless court out of things in the area.

Have ironing boards for the two desks.

Have the judge sit like on top a mound of stuff, fashion it into a chair.

And televise.

Please televise this

every episode of Homeless Court.

Every episode of Homeless Court

needs to be televised.

Every episode of Homeless Court.

This is a hit.

It's a hit.

There's not a lot of stuff

that I'm bullish on now.

You know that.

I neg a lot of stuff,

and I'm right to. But I'm bullish on now you know that I neg a lot of stuff and I'm right to but I am bullish on homeless court homeless people hashing out their problems with other homeless people in front of a judge they get lawyers they have public defendants stop biting sit down no drinking.
No drinking in the court. Sorry, Your Honor.
This could be great. Homelessness is not going anywhere.
We might as well make it more just. They're not leaving the street.
Let's make the street more just. If they have issues, if they want things, like if you want something,

the nation's first homeless court was founded in San Diego,

and in a three-year period, it handled nearly 11,000 cases.

Just 16 of those cases resulted in a guilty plea.

Yeah, well, of course.

11,000 cases.

Did you do it? No.

No.

16 of them resulted

in a guilty play.

He's saying you lit his tent on fire.

Nah. Alright.

So he's saying

you came into his tent and at

knife point stole

drugs from him.

No, you didn't do that. Okay.

Well,

Thank you. You came into his tent and at knife point stole drugs from him.
No, you didn't do that. Okay.
Well, by the powers vested in me in homeless court, you are free to go. Please, please have a homeless court.
That's where the sprinkle pool freak should have to go. He should go to homeless court, by the way.
And he should have to explain that he injured himself in a

sprinkle pool. When the homeless,

when somebody comes up to homeless court and they're

bleeding and they're just, they're having

like a seizure and they're screaming

at the judge and then they go, all right,

move on. And then they

bring up him and he goes, hi, I injured myself in

a sprinkle pool. Now I'd like

some money. I'm sorry about this.
There's two homeless guys trying to figure out who bid who first. And then they go, we're going to, we're going to take a recess to do this, uh, sprinkle pool nonsense.
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I also, you know, before we get out of here, I want to talk a little bit about Gen Z because Gen Z right now, the loneliest generation, they're spending six hours a day online. And this is obviously not their fault.
The people writing about these, I'm not saying Gen Z is planting these articles because we're all a little sick of it.

We're all a little sick of it. We're all a little sick of Gen Z.
Every time we see them, they're dancing by the way. But we're all a little sick of that they're the loneliest generation and they're spending too much time online.
By the way, Australia just banned social media for people under 16 Social media is banned For people under 16 in Australia Maybe that comes here in America Probably not There's just too much money in it It seems like there's too much money That these things like TikTok Are going to get banned But But Australia, they're not letting the kids on social media anymore. And a lot of this is probably a benefit to them.
Okay? And they're going to really fine these companies if they catch, if they fail to prevent children 16 and younger. Now, what does that do to TikTok? If you ban kids under 16 on TikTok, you're eating up their user base.
Correct? Yeah. So I'll just tell you this.
I think Gen Z is going to end up, I think what's going to happen with Gen Z is that this type of social media, whatever you want to call it, if you want to call it censorship, but it really isn't censorship. social media is being blamed for all the ills

in society

and make no mistake, it causes a lot of them. Is it a scapegoat? Sure.
But is it a valid one? Yes. Young children are being manipulated on social media.
They are being made to feel like shit. They're being bullied.
They're bullying each other. They're interacting with adults in very unhealthy ways.
They're being sexualized. They're being pulled into different communities they shouldn't be in.
So this is actually the first Australia, this is the first Country to just say Fuck it We're not having social media If you're under 16 years old We're not going to do it You're not allowed Think of how revolutionary this is You're not allowed To have social media If you're under 16. None.
You can be on the internet. Prime Minister Anthony Albany said the law supported parents concerned by online harms to their children.
Platforms now have a social responsibility to ensure the safety of our kids is a priority to them. Here's the question.
Will America do this? Jonathan Haidt wrote that book, The Anxious Generation. And the premise of that book was that social media is destroying the minds of kids.
Here's the problem. It makes a lot of money.
Social media companies make a lot of money. And if you kick everybody under 16 off,

you're going to lose a lot of money.

Will America ever pursue that?

Will we ever put people's well-being above profit like that?

It will be interesting.

You know? I don't know. I can't foresay.
Some people said this policy will hurt vulnerable young people the most, especially in regional communities and especially the LGBTQI community, by cutting them off. You know, people were gay before Snapchat.
I don't know how to tell people this. They were gay before Snapchat.
They were. And they'll be gay after Snapchat.
They're going to be gay. And trans and whatever.
I don't think they necessarily... What they are saying is that gay people can find each other on the internet.
Well, the argument is that every group of people can find each other on the internet. But those people also exist in real life, by the way.
They exist in real life. Maybe to a lesser extent, they're straight people, for sure.
Statistically, yes. But I do think that, you know, Wayne Holdsworth, whose teenage son, Mac, took his own life after falling victim to an online sextortion dark place, even though it's very sunny and everybody's in great shape.
And they all go, a lot of deadly animals, but nobody cares. People go swimming.
They surf. They're hot.
They fuck. Da-da-da-da-da.
There's a weird darkness underneath it because they're all descendants of criminals. And they all live in these kind of, like, bucolic suburbs.
But underneath that, there's a real darkness. They've taken all these aboriginals and put them in the middle of the country.
There's that. They don't really speak about.
But even deeper than that is just this idea, I think, that the Australian culture is about drinking and partying and having fun. And there's not many more elements to it except for that.
And I think you either fit into that or you don't. And if you don't fit into that, you know, I don't know what you're doing over there, but there's been some wild stuff in Australia, some weird stories that woman who poisoned her family with those mushrooms, largest child porn bust in the, in the, in the 2010s was in Australia.
Like there's some weird shit going on. And I do understand people that go, hey, this will deprive the kids of the positive aspects of social media, drive them to the dark web, discourage children too young from social media to report harm, and reduce incentives for platforms to improve online safety.
I do understand saying that my son or daughter has found a community on the internet that they don't have in their physical life, and it has helped them. I get that.
But there's a lot of children that are being harmed on the internet, that are being taken advantage of, that are not finding physical communities. And that, you know, they're being extorted.
Send me nudes. And then that poor kid, like, killed himself because they were saying, give us money or we're going to leak all your stuff.
You know? I just wonder, in America, will we ever do that in America? I don't know. It just doesn't feel like it's coming.
Many of the children in America who we would be protecting by getting rid of social media are just, you know, they make too much goddamn money, these kids. You know, like, they have thriving enterprises, some of these children.
Thriving. They're killing it.

Killing it.

And you gotta break a few

kids to make an omelet or whatever.

And I think,

and I'm saying it's terrible

what's happening,

but some of these kids,

like not everybody

on the internet's gonna care about kids as much as that Mr. Beast.

Right?

Like, they're, you're right?

Like him and his crew, they care about the kids.

But there are going to be people on the internet that aren't good to the kids.

Mr. Beast's crew was so not internet that aren't good to the kids.
Mr. Beast's crew was so nice.

They would like talk to the kids.

To me, to take time out of your day

as a content creator

to constantly speak to children

is pretty fucking cool.

And not every creator is going to have the time to do that. I'm just saying, it warms my heart because I get emotional because I was a kid that was...
I was misunderstood and I was alone. And if someone from Mr.
B's team could have reached out to me when I was a child and kind of good looking, let's be honest. And, and, and had me talk to them and send photos of myself, I would have felt better.
That's my point. So maybe we don't ban the kids on the internet.
Just do what Mr. Beast's team does and engage with them.
Right? I mean, isn't that the answer? Isn't the answer? Let's not ignore them. Reach out to them.
DM them.

Ask them what they look like.

It makes them feel good,

right?

Am I wrong? I don't feel like I'm wrong.

I'm curious. I'm asking questions.

I don't know how to do it. My audience is adult.

Old people.

It's curious to me.

We have a lot of selfish

creators that are not reaching out and exchanging photos with children on the internet. We'll end with this.
Canada Mall criticized for using Baby Shark to deter homeless. Montreal Mall plays Baby Shark in hallways and stairwells so homeless don't sleep there.
Blasting Baby Shark to keep out homeless people is just the latest tactic. Let's see this.
Let's watch this. Blasting Baby Shark.
Just an ad first. Well, there's nothing to really do.
You know, you can't. You have to.
You have to. That song is annoying.
Do-do-do-do-do-do. Baby Shark.
Do-do-do-do. Here, let's see what, oh, what happened here?

It's coming in weird.

What's going on?

This link is coming in weird.

I wouldn't trust this.

They probably can't even play, we probably can't even play baby shark.

That's probably why.

My godson loves baby shark.

An advocate for homeless people calls a tactic cruel and unusual it is impossible to resolve the complexities of homelessness by using juvenile tactics that are conceived to exist well I did a thing about this years ago where they were just trying to turn every public space into a level from Super Mario Brothers like it all had spikes had spikes, and it all had, like, things that prevented homeless people from sitting down, and it just had, like, thromps, like, falling on the homeless people. It just became Super Mario World.
They just had little Koopas, little mechanical Koopa choppas that just go by. They're trying to turn all these public spaces into video games so that homeless people cannot sit there or lay down or do anything.
And now they're blasting Baby Shark. It's not easy.
Nothing's easy. Okay? They're now hiring social workers to ensure dialogue with homeless people.
Our aim is to not coerce, but to support these people. Well, that's, you know, what if the social workers, like keep trying to talk to the homeless people? They're like, we can get you, we can get you a consultation.
They'll do intake. They'll put you in and like, none of it works.
So the social workers just like look at the homeless people and they

go, Grandpa

shark.

Grandpa shark.

And the fucking

people are like, no!

The social workers just sing Baby Shark

very quietly. Grandma

shark.

Can you imagine that? That's

your job. I'm the guy that plays Baby Shark

to get the homeless out of the corridor. Can you imagine that point in your day where they go, go get him, Ralph! And he's got to go crank up baby shark so that homeless people get up from the stairwell and move on to the next alley.
That's a guy's job. Like, we often talk about these things.
We don't think about that that's someone's job. He's got to blast Baby Shark.
Like he's an Abu Ghraib torturing a detainee. Because we did that with, like, loud music.
He's got to blast the song Baby Shark and then watch the homeless crawl out of the stairwell. Is there any non-copyrighted Baby Shark we can play? Or is it all? It's probably all copyrighted.
They probably got it all covered. Because it's such an interesting it is so annoying that song.
And you just see them like lumbering out. You play Baby Shark.
Because it had to, by the way, they wouldn't do it if it didn't work. So one night they tried it.
They go, just fuck it. Flood them with Baby Shark.
And they turned up Baby Shark and then all of a sudden you just saw a bunch of people with like that Bigfoot and the blanket and they just started moseying down the road and they went, oh, we found, we found what gets the homeless people moving. And it's the song Baby Shark.
I wonder if it was the first song they tried. This has like a million trillion views.
It has 15 billion views. Baby Shark.
It's one of the most viewed videos on YouTube. Some of those views are homeless people being kicked out of a stairwell, by the way.
That accounts for like the last 200 views are homeless people wandering out of a stairwell. TimMillanComedy.com for any tickets to live shows that you may or may not want to see.
Austin, Texas at the Mothership, Wednesday, December 11th, Thursday the 12th. We're going to have a lot of fun.
And we are excited to see everybody in Oxnard and Irvine in California. I'll be out there for a lot of December.

We hope you enjoyed your holidays.

I enjoyed mine.

And we want you to go forward.

And our new date, January 23rd in Connecticut. We're adding a second show at the Ridgefield Playhouse.

We believe we're going to add a second show there.

And thank you, everyone.

We love you.

We'll see you on Patreon. and we will see you next week.

Baby shark!