#605 - Memphis Crisp

The Conjuring Last Rights

on September 5th.

The Conjuring Last Rites.

Only in theater, September 5th.

Read it R.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

Don't you even

you chill out.

Dude, if I had a husband, I would f- ooh.

Dude, I would not even come home to him.

I'll say that straight up, bro.

If I had a freaking husband, dude, I would not even come home to his freaking white ass.

No, sir.

No, sir.

But

I'm getting a wife.

That's what I'm getting one of these days.

Not now, soon.

I know I've said it before, but I'm just, that is what I'm doing.

And so

if my wife is a man, dude, I will be

upset.

I'll be upset.

I'm just going to say it straight up.

So

anyway,

good to see you today.

Good to be here with you.

It is August in the year 2025, and

these años,

which are Mexican years,

are rattling on.

These bitches,

it's down.

Everything is heading downhill, baby.

It's just things just speed up.

And I get burnt out.

I tell you, I get dang burnt out.

I feel like

just an empty eight ball bag.

You know, I just you know I get burnt out

I mean I just

but I show up

but I show up that's the thing I get burnt out but I show up you know I'm that fucking lava lamp homie

I'm the Lord's lava lamp dog and I'll

I'll bust on y'all you know what I'm saying type shit boy BLM

anyway just had to get all that out of my system uh good to see you.

Good to be with you today.

What's going on?

Just had some crazy couple of weeks of shows touring.

That's kind of the usual.

I was in

Philly.

We went over there.

And you know, Philly, you know,

you'll see a baby.

He'll be crawling just to work

by himself.

You're like, God.

He's union.

He's, you know, he'll get a pension if he started that early.

You see that, though.

You see kids, five, six-year-olds, playing wearing damn hard hats over there.

Shit falling on them.

Just that's Philly.

You know, it's tough.

Everything's tough over there.

You'll see a cigarette smoking a cigarette.

You're like, God,

everything's just puffing.

That's how it is over there.

That's Philly.

Ain't Philly.

Hey, Philly.

Dude, I was dating this girl from Philly.

She's like,

she's visiting me and she's like, oh, do they have bottomless mimosas or whatever?

And I was like, I don't know.

And she's like, oh, in Philly they got bottomless ones.

You guys don't have bottomless.

I was like, I don't know.

I don't know.

They might not have.

I don't think they have them.

You know?

And I'm like, oh, we could go get some, I know a place for good Italian food.

And she'd be like, well, is it bottomless?

And I'm like,

I don't, it's, you know, no.

It's, you know, it's like regular entree in two sides.

And she'd be like,

in Philly, they have Dinos and they have bottomless raviolis.

I'm like, dude, I don't want bottomless raviolis.

I don't ever want that.

I will pay someone an extra $40 to put a bottom on the raviolis.

Bottomless?

All chicks from Philly care about is getting bottomless meals.

That's it.

She's like, oh, we went to my friend Julia's birthday last week and they had bottomless eggs at brunch.

And I was like,

oh,

fucking hide my dick in a submarine.

I do not ever want bottomless eggs.

Just pisses me off, bro.

She'd be like, oh, God, I wish we were back in Mannyonk.

There's a fire department that serves bottomless coleslaw every year during summer solstice or whatever.

I'm like, oh, oh,

you're sick, lady.

And she got upset if I'd take her to places that had regular servings.

She got upset.

I know a great place we can go and get some wings.

And she's like, well, how many do they give you?

And I'm like, this

bitch.

I said, they give you, you know,

a normal amount for somebody that's eating, you know, five or six.

And she could just see her, just her energy.

just dropped.

She'd be like, oh, I wish we were in Philly right now.

They're having bottomless cheesecake over in Fishtown today at 4 p.m.

I'd be like, I don't care.

I don't care.

Tonight in Center City, they're having bottomless manicotti.

I'll be like,

and I was like, no, I don't want that.

And she got all, her feelings got hurt.

Her feelings got hurt, man.

And she's like, hmm.

And she kind of snuggled up her grandmother and made her like a Silver Linings playbook, like knitted quilt or whatever.

And she just was like,

oh, you should go to Kensington.

They're having bottomless methadone over there.

You're like, oh, God.

So anyway, I'm just, I'm just, it's an all call.

I would love, maybe one day I'll marry a nurse from Philly, marry a good,

you know, semi-violent woman.

who can put an IV in you after she fucking pieces you up a little bit.

But I'm just saying, be aware.

Women from Philly, they want it bottomless.

You know, I want a woman that wants a little bit of a bottom on things.

That's who I am.

So praise God and God bless everybody.

What's happening?

We just had some good shows everywhere.

You know, most of them are pretty good these days, I think.

I mean, I know it's hit or miss in some of the venues.

I'm just saying from an actual aspect of trying to pull it off.

Where do we go?

Yeah, Philly, Rochester.

We just had some out in San Diego Oceanside, which is beautiful.

If you get to go there, everybody pulled up.

A lot of great folks.

And a lot of Mexican people, too.

And I want to say something.

I want to say something right now.

I want to give a round of applause

to all the Mexican people for keeping this country going.

Thank you,

Gracias,

mas, mas, mas.

Thank you, though.

Because Mexican people keeping this shit going, bro.

They're the wind and the sail, man.

So I salute them.

If I see Mexican people,

I hit them with that hard right there.

I give them that triple M right there for Mexico.

Baya.

Hit them with that shit, boy.

Fuck yeah, more

a more papa.

Amor.

Mama.

That's it.

A more or less.

Mexico.

Thank you.

What else is going on?

Let's get into some news.

I could tell you more about me.

I've been a little bit burnt, but I don't want to go into that.

What am I dealing with?

Let me think about what I'm dealing with.

Maybe just on a personal level for a minute.

What's happening?

We have a Netflix special that we're coming up with soon.

We're going to tape that in New York City.

So just

if you, if you check on social media, on our Instagrams, we'll put it up on there.

So it's exciting.

And just thank you to everybody that's come out over this tour.

It's almost over.

And I just can't believe it, all the places that we've been.

And some of the shows, you know, we always tried our best.

But thank you guys for showing up and trying your best too and giving the live show a chance.

and uh yeah i've definitely learned a lot and yeah so i just want to say thank you very much and i appreciate you for coming out and i hope i can return the favor to you uh in our lifetime um

what else is popping with me personally i went to hulk hogan's funeral yeah my tour manager and i went down and

And it was, you know, you get down there and it's beautiful.

It was down in Largo, Florida.

And we ended up meeting up with Kid Rock.

Yeah, I was having dinner with him a a couple nights before, and he's like, Do you want to go?

He said, mentioned he was going down.

And I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the funeral.

And then he's like,

let's go.

So we went.

And so that was the crew.

We get down there.

And we got to, I mean, it's in a beautiful church down there.

Where was that church?

Zach, if you can look that up for me really fast.

Where was that church down there?

Indian River?

Indian.

Oh, that's a damn casino, actually.

Indian Rocks Baptist Church in Largo, Florida.

Okay, Indian Rocks Baptist, almost.

I'm just saying, that thing's a couple of, you know, a couple of slow weekends away from getting overtaken by a casino, bro, it sounds like.

But anyway, beautiful place.

Indian Rocks Baptist Church, you know.

And they have like a baptism.

It's actually where Hulk Hogan got baptized not too long ago.

They played that during the memorial service.

And it was nice, beautiful place there.

A lot of people sitting there.

You walk in, and there's a lot of people in there, you know.

Hacksaw was in there.

Mounted a South Jimmy Hart was in there.

Ric Flair was in there.

Dennis Rodman was in there.

And he kind of like, he kind of,

you know, I think as they were pushing the casket out, it kind of shook, like wobbled a little bit.

And he, Rodman kind of stopped it, which was kind of crazy.

He was like, you know, like one last rebound, kind of just,

you know, he kind of

just helped toe the line there and just kind of keep the Hulk headed to heaven, I guess, straight away.

And, um,

but yeah, it was just, you know, it was kind of crazy because you're walking, you know, for me, I was walking through a lot of my childhood, just the moments of all these wrestlers and some of them's in wheelchairs and some of them's in,

you know, some of them got on chain mail and shit or fake spines, all kind of, they got everybody's in there.

Fake arm, fake neck.

You got, you know, people in there are so many missing parts.

It's just a damn Jim McMahon Build-A-Bear over there at that Hulk Hogan funeral over there.

But yes, it was kind of wild just to see like all like the parts of my heroes and stuff like that and like and see heroes from when I was a child.

Because there was nobody bigger to us.

than professional wrestlers.

I'm going to say that right out loud.

And I'm going to say that.

Our love for professional wrestlers was bottomless, bro.

Point blank, homie.

We just loved them, dude.

I mean, they, like me and my buddy William would stay up at night and try to watch Saturday night main event when Hulkamania

would show up on there.

And the big boss man and bam, bam, big hello.

Me and my buddy William, both of us were falling asleep.

We would hold each other's eyes open.

I would hold his open and he would hold mine open.

And we would just hold each other's eyes open, boy.

Yeah.

And we eat as many of those red-hot fireballs as we could.

So our mouths would be like they were dripping blood.

And we would spray WD-40 on our arms and on each other's backs.

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, get it on my back, Whitey.

And we would do that shit, boy.

And we would

just wait there

until they came on the screen, the wrestlers.

Ultimate warrior.

Rudy the rabbit, ravishing.

Not rapist or whatever.

I don't know who that guy was.

Oh, yeah, with the haircutters.

The gardener, this like fucking gardener.

He had like gardener shears and he would fucking cut your mom's hair or something.

And then she would be a pregnant, you know?

So anyway, yeah, but the wrestling it was like we looked up to those guys, you know Like on our street a lot lot of the kids, there wasn't a lot to look up to.

You know, there wasn't a lot to look up to.

So

those wrestlers, when they, you know, it was like, I don't know, wrestling to me, it felt like it was for poor people, bro.

I'm going to say that out loud.

You know, just all the character, I don't know.

It just, I think there was no barrier to entry for wrestling, right?

You didn't have to have a hoop or a pool.

There was nothing you had to have.

You had to have a younger sibling who was willing to get hurt.

Okay.

You had to have a spare neck brace

and that was all you had to have.

And you could be a professional wrestler in your house for a little while until your sister got fucking

bad off.

I remember one time one buddy's sister, she'd been fucking,

they'd put her in a damn

You know, my one buddy's finishing move was the damn biopsy.

And that shit, God,

you know, you could hear one of her eyes just rattling in the back of her throat like one of those uh lotto balls just coming up the pipe before you knew the number i mean my buddy would he would really rip his sister up and

but uh anyway everybody's fine now as adults pretty good but i remember she was all banged up and they had to put it to use a couple damn uh broom handles

i mean full broom handles not those little

you know

just them little kitchen bitch sticks i'm talking about that janitor thing that fucking

You know that janitor carries that big friar tuck broom that bitch got that that two inch girth on that big thing that handle and They had her keyed up to a couple of those like a damn scarecrow trying to keep her body Organized enough so she could finish school

So anyway, sorry, let me get back to it, but when wrestling came on TV, man, it was like even if I felt horrible about myself as a kid or if I felt ashamed of where we lived

You know, if I felt I don't know if I felt like I didn't have somebody looking out for me or just all that stuff, all that stuff that I felt as a child, right?

And I'm not, not, I don't need any self-pity.

I'm just telling you those things I had, you know, that was part of my, part of my heart and brain at the time.

And

all that would go away, man, when that wrestling came on.

You know, like when Hulk Hogan came on there, it like,

It just gave me something.

Like, I literally gave me something to look up to.

I would sit there and look up at the screen, screen, you know?

It was just, you know, it just gave you something like,

it just made you feel kind of like thing, you know, something's possible.

You might need steroids and you might need, you know, a lot of fucking fake sweat or whatever.

You might need to fucking rub your body against another man at night in different cities around the world.

But you can figure it out.

And yeah, I just love that, man.

There was something about it in our neighborhood, man.

So, yeah, shout out to my buddy Will Teague over there, Eddie Joe, Larry Tisdale, um,

uh, Robbie Taylor, the whole gang over there.

We loved wrestling, man.

It was, it was everything to us.

So, thank you to Hulk Hogan and all the wrestlers that gave us that, just gave us that feeling of like, yeah, I'm gonna show up and I'm gonna rip my fucking shirt off

and I'm gonna fucking

DDT somebody at my workplace.

That was good shit.

Anyway,

but yeah, so it was just wild, you know, to get to see a lot of different heroes.

And part of me wanted to stay longer.

The people that I went with were left early, and so I couldn't stay.

I wanted to kind of mill around and I got to say some hellos and meet some new people.

But I just felt really lucky to go.

Nick Hogan was there, Hulk's son.

That was nice.

I'd met him before, but I got to see his wife, meet her, and

Linda Skye

to a Hulks, his wife and ex-wife.

And one thing that I thought was pretty neat was whenever Nick Hogan was up there, he was just making a speech and he's like, you know, he said that, you know, he believes that his father's watching over him.

And then he kind of said, he kind of did like a bit of an impersonation of his dad.

And he's like, what you going to do?

when the hulkster is watching over you

and i thought that was pretty cool anyway that's through it.

Through the wrestling.

Ah, what else is going on?

Let's get into a little bit of news.

We've got some calls from you guys.

I do want to, you know, I want to try and do more regular episodes.

I know I said that before.

But with this tour almost done, I'm excited to get a little bit more space so I can feel.

And

I want to have more space in my head to be creative.

And to feel, man, there's days I can't even feel.

And I'm not complaining.

I'm just like, dang this is life you just get you know you get going it's hard to tap in sometimes and have a conversation with somebody where your feelings need to be present and um

and i and that's one thing i've really always loved about this podcast was just like the presentness of feelings and so i am looking forward to having a little more just space in my

life and time to make that a possibility So,

but we'll see.

You know what I'm saying?

I've said that shit before.

But anyway, but yeah, thank you guys so much for support on this tour.

I can't even believe it.

I want to make a whole slideshow that I'm going to put together and maybe put out

just to like, just show like some different moments, people that we met along the way and things like that.

I'll have to figure that out exactly how I'm going to do that.

What do we have here?

We got

news here.

Morgan Wallen will not submit music for 2026 Grammys.

Wallen, who's never won a Grammy despite his status as being the biggest artist in country music, has the best-selling album of 2025 with I'm the problem.

Morgan Wallen will not be submitting his music for consideration of the 2026 Grammy Awards.

Good for them, man.

Good for him.

I like that shit.

I like it.

Fuck it.

Because, you know, the awards are blessing.

That kind of stuff's nice, but what does it mean?

Right?

And once you quit saying you could use us for your awards, then they don't have any awards, boy.

And the people choose.

So, but also what the fuck am I talking about?

I don't know, and I'm sure there's people out there that are excited to win Grammys, but Morgan always is doing some rogue shit, and I'm there for it.

I'm there for this shit, dog.

Give me a, you're gonna make me drive over there and get your deal

and that thing.

And the

bring up a Grammy on the thing.

Let me look at one of these bitches.

I wish they gave you a real Grammy.

That's what I wish.

Oh, they give you one of these old hearing aid things right here.

Now, I wish they gave you a real-ass Grammy, boy.

Just a beautiful little grandmother would come out and hug you.

That's what we should do.

Dude, you win a Grammy, and then we have like six Grammys back behind a curtain, right?

And one of them, you know, they spark one of them up a little bit.

They kind of, you know.

touch her in the back with a fork or something.

Nothing heavy, but just, you know, she's doing Grammy stuff.

She's knitting or something.

You got to get her attention and then that one rolls out from behind the curtain and hugs whoever wins dude that would be great

bro you telling me i would love a hug from somebody's grandmother

god

those hugs are

just the way you land in them it's like being at a spa

You get a young hug from one of these young bitches.

Some of them are strong and shit.

They got,

you know, some chick hugged me that day.

She had a couple damn dumbbells in her hand, two barbells,

three and a half pounders.

Like, what the fuck is this?

But you get a hug from a grandmother.

She got them damn catchers' mitts full of love.

She got two of them bitches, baby.

And their arms go right into the tits.

They ain't even a difference, bruh.

That's just a big bicep

tit

Titsep.

Bicep tit.

That's just a damn fucking.

That's a fucking love seat.

And she got them two arms like a damn front end loader.

That bitch will hug you.

God.

So that's what I would like to see.

Because a lot of that shit, man, I don't care about that shit.

Put me on your thing.

You do this.

You won this.

Bitch, what is that?

Bitch, what is that?

then you choose who you think's the best that motherfucker sold everything out there

he sold everything out there

he dude i remember he i was talking to morgan a couple weeks ago he said he couldn't even get a ticket to his own show bro that's how sold out them bitches are dog

So what are y'all even fucking playing, bro?

Good for him, man.

Fuck them.

So, but now, also, I can't sing, so I could never win one.

But I almost won fifth place in that school spelling beat, baby.

And they put me in that bitch.

It was me in the final two,

and this girl named Helena.

Some people called her big Helena.

I didn't do it,

but some people did.

And the word that I misspelled was inconvenience.

And she

was pregnant at the time.

And she got it.

She got it right.

That's how it was.

They said, can you use it in a sentence?

And they're like, being pregnant in middle school would be an inconvenience.

And that cracked the code for that bitch.

Hit rattled off them letters.

Rattled off them letters.

Let me see how many letters an inconvenience, man.

You look it up here on my perplexity.

That's what I use.

Some people use other AIs.

I like this one.

It's a little more

professional.

Let me see.

Inconvenience has 13 letters.

If you spell it correctly, it says on the air.

Dang.

Dang.

This bitch got jokes.

All right.

Type shit, man.

But I like that.

Let's keep it moving here.

Thank you guys for bearing with me today.

I'm trying to be a little bit more imperfect today.

And I mean that just in the sense, like in my head, I'm always like, I got to do this.

I got to do it.

Fuck, I'm tired of that.

I'm tired of that voice.

What else do we have?

Oh, wow.

Here we go.

A woman reported missing by her family in Texas has been found living amongst a lost African tribe

in the Scottish woodlands.

The kingdom of Kubala claimed they have settled in a forest in Jedburgh with the intention of reclaiming land that was stolen from their ancestors 400 years ago.

Wow.

And this lady is living there.

We live a very simple life of returning to innocence.

We return to nature.

And they got photos of them on here.

They grilling stuff like that.

They grilling up a lot of it.

It looks like, you know, it looks like goat and stuff like that.

And they vibed out.

They got like Zulu warrior type of energy out here and

kind of just chilling intense.

It looks like kind of like REI tense.

But you got to be careful, man.

I think, because a lot of, I noticed this in my life.

If you take a woman to a certain restaurant, they want that lifestyle.

They want that lifestyle.

Dude, I was dating a girl in LA for a bit.

I took her over there to

Rainforest Cafe.

Three weeks later, that bitch moved to St.

Thomas

and married a brother.

St.

Thomas.

Oh, because I'm out here getting that bitch apps over here

at Rainforest Cafe.

Be careful.

You take your lady to P.F.

Chang's, and next thing you know, she got all your shit all fucking chip-chopped out at the house.

Lampshades and everything, motherfuckers.

She got ninjas on the bookshelf.

She got a stack of books and then two ninjas just pushing against each side of them.

That's the kind of shit women will do that, bruh.

You take them to PF Shangs over there.

You take a lady over there to PF Shangs and next thing you know, she got you brushing your teeth with a damn bamboo stick or whatever.

And that's your money buying all of that.

So you got to be careful.

You can easily lose a woman.

Somebody probably took this lady to a nice restaurant of some sort.

That's what I would guess.

Probably took her out to a Caribbean dinner or Scottish meal or something.

Because that's it.

Missing Texas woman found living in a lost African tribe in Scotland.

But yeah, man, that's what happened for me, man.

I took a lady to Rainforest Cafe

and bam, that bitch gone out there.

But dice, dice,

living out there, gambling, place a bet with me.

She's living out there on St.

Thomas, wearing a grass skirt and shit.

Married to some guy who played in the NBA DL

out there.

G-League.

That was it, bro.

She didn't even tell me bye.

She's out there saying, you know, I love the islands.

I'm like, bitch, you didn't even pay half for the food we ordered.

You didn't even pay half for the food.

We don't love shit.

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anyway what else we got fda warns public not to eat possibly radioactive shrimp sold at Walmart.

Gang, boy, the Food and Drug Administration

is warning the public not to eat, sell, or serve certain great-value raw frozen shrimp sold at Walmart's to possible contamination with cesium-137,

a radioactive isotope.

Gosh,

what is happening?

U.S.

Customs and Border Protection alerted the FDA about possible cesium-137.

detected in shipping containers at four U.S.

ports.

If you have recently purchased raw frozen shrimp shrimp from Walmart that matches this description, throw it away.

Cesium is a soft, flexible, silvery-white metal that becomes liquid near room temperature, but easily bonds with chlorides to create a crystalline powder, according to the U.S.

Environmental Protection Agency.

Damn, that powder makes you want to fucking stay around and see if you can have a little bit of it.

A couple of different dates on great value brand shrimp.

Those are the issues.

You can check those out.

You know?

Honestly, it sounds like this almost just sounds like an origin story.

I bet, because this is how the media works.

I bet this is just an origin story for a new Marvel character.

That's all it's going to be.

This is how they do it.

They put something in the media that's not real.

And then they create a character on it a year later and bring it out.

So it's all, it builds in your head.

That's a psychology, bro.

That's a psychology.

They have a planned

way to do it.

And that's what this is.

I think this is a new Marvel character.

This is Cocktail.

That's who it is.

Ooh, that's him.

Cocktail.

Started out as an appetizer.

Now he's a fucking boss.

We right here.

Ooh.

Cocktail.

Dude, I like that cocktail, bro.

That's a thing I've been getting now.

At nighttime, if I'm trying to be on a date, I'm trying to be in love or something.

Bam, bitch.

I'm getting you that.

That little shrimp cocktail, boy.

Y'all.

You just see them cock them

tails because that's not the cock.

I don't know where the cock is, bro.

And that's fine.

I don't need to see it.

But you just see them tails hanging off the edge of that little cup they put them on.

Just like a

couple stripper legs just hanging off that bitch.

And I like them, bruh.

Cocktail.

He was an appetizer now.

He's a boss.

One shrimp,

100 tons of cesium, 137.

Oh, that could be it, man.

China's new pregnancy robot is set to replace the human womb by 2026.

I've been saying this.

The womb is great.

God made it.

It's beautiful.

It's that original OG

skeet portal from Christ, right?

We get that.

And it's been amazing.

But you knew we were getting to this point where they was going to outsource that womb, that baby box.

Because big facts, dude, the womb doesn't even have air con, bruh.

The womb doesn't even have air con, bruh.

And some of them, the plumbing's even bad in them or whatever.

The baby's in there and they got a dang little piss creek or whatever, rocking by or something.

Because mama's out there, you know, slurping too many lemonades or whatever.

Micheladas.

So that's the kind of shit that pops off around there.

So yeah, now it'd be great.

You can have a little robot, even a little Chinese robot.

Your baby's in there, you put the egg in there, you put the semen in there, it's even like a little microwave door on that bitch.

You put it in there, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Set that thing whatever you want, mild or whatever.

You know,

eight months, seven months.

You could even do black and mild or whatever.

It's a little bit, it comes out with that fucking Memphis crisp on it.

You feel me?

They got all the options now.

And then you and your wife can still read or whatever,

fight,

party or whatever, do a little toot or whatever.

And your child is getting

organized, Chinese manufactured, really, I guess.

Now, that is true.

That may be sketchy because you have to deal with some Chinese manufacturing.

It might get tariffed when you take it out of the microwave.

I don't know.

Trump might put that freaking,

he might put that Chinese extradition tax when you open that microwave and get your child out.

But that'll be great, man.

You know, your white, your child's getting raised in a robot, it's running around.

And it can still complain.

You can even put a wig on it.

It can still be like a wife if you need that energy.

It can still be like, I need some chocolate pickles for me.

I'm tired, duh.

Please

rub my feet.

And you're over there to spraying WD-40 on them bitches, baby.

Them little

Chinese toes or carpals de chino.

Chinese toes.

What else?

I think we've gotten through a lot of stuff there on the news.

Let's crack into a few calls from you guys.

As always, the hotline for this show is 985-664-9503.

And

thank you guys so much.

for your support and paying attention and just being a part of our life and letting me be a part of your life.

uh

yeah i just can't believe that this tour is coming to an end but i'm also excited about it excited for some new possibilities

all right let's take uh some calls right here that came in thank you guys for hitting the hotline

hey it's uh

shaky jake uh just got over a seizure looking like David Bowie or

something.

And Shaky Jake, baby, he's that rattler.

He's one of God's rattlers out here, baby.

He's that damn tuning fork.

That buddy's got it in him.

Let's hear more, brother.

Just wanted to say that the podcast really helps keep me positive and

keep me smiling.

So thanks, even though things are

fucking scary.

So thank you, Theo.

Well, you're welcome.

And I'm sorry I was making fun of you a few seconds ago on this call,

But also, I just was trying to make it more fun.

Because, yeah, when you said seizuring, that's that thing, baby.

When you got them tremors, dog, you fucking part earthquake, part human.

You hug a woman while you have one of those, she'll never let you go.

A lot of these babes.

They're paying $60, $70 for that type of action over there at one of these sex shops.

So, God, I'm cheering you on here today.

Shaky Jake, he's got it in him.

And I'd love to know what kind of deal does he have?

I'm here at the beginning again.

He's got an affliction.

Hey, it's

Shaky Jake

just got over a seizure, looking like David Bowie.

And he's got a black eye on him.

That's why he's saying that.

And the video's on YouTube.

We popped it in.

So we got you in there, Shaky.

Yeah, just

heal up, baby, and get better.

And we've all got something.

and we've all got something man

so i commend you for putting it right out there face forward brother right in this i just mean it just like bam this is what i got

you know i got that fucking

i got that remix in my nerves i got that fucking reverb homie That white reverb.

I like that shit.

Blessings to you, man.

And heal up well, brother.

And heal up soon, man.

Love you.

Let's take another call in here

hi theo

big fan hello

um i had a question for you so i've been seeing this guy for about two months um i really like him and i i mean i hope he likes me well i'm not so sure because we've been dating for like i said about two months now and he hasn't kissed me yet And I don't know what to do.

The other day he put his arm around me and then he apologized because it accidentally fell down a little bit, a little bit lower off my waist Theo um

and so I can't he hasn't kissed me yet I can't tell if he's gay or he just don't like me you know well there's other options too sometimes people don't kiss you because maybe they're sick

maybe they're sick you ever thought of that this boy could be damn terminal and you're over there

wish he'd kiss me you know

and he's over there just hoping God gives him another afternoon.

Let's hear more.

And I'm typically somebody that likes a guy to take the reins.

So this is kind of a sticky situation for me, Theo.

And I just wanted to get your advice on it.

Much love.

You know, I watch the podcast every week.

Well, thank you so much.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate the warm words there.

And I'll say this straight up: a lot of men out there

don't even do kissing anymore.

They do touching.

They do hand touching

and wiener.

That's it.

Kissing's from damn 1800s or whatever, 1600s Scotland.

You see people kissing over there.

Bring something up.

Let me see this.

Two people kissing in Scotland.

1700s.

We'll split the difference.

Two people kissing in Scotland in the 1700s.

Bam, look at those MFers, dude.

Good day, sir.

Oh, fancy the lips, lad.

Oh, you're kissing me, huh?

Welcome to Scotland.

Yeah, see, so look, what I'm telling you, baby girl, is that things have changed, you know?

Some guys, they don't do, they don't do kissing.

They do hand touch.

They do wiener.

So that could be what's popping.

And I think, look, a lot of guys even, there's places, there's articles now where guys are going to Costa Rica and getting their balls even taken off their body.

They don't want them.

It's dumb.

Look at these balls.

Like, the wiener looks like a, you know, like it could get hired by Frontier Airlines.

That bitch looks like it's going somewhere.

The balls, they just look, they look like a couple of damn methadone homies sharing a wide mouth sleeping bag.

That's all that is.

So a lot of people are getting them nuts just clipped right off.

And that's how you, and then you say to a lady, I got, it's all weaner, no nuts.

All dick and no nuts, baby.

God.

And to a woman, that sounds like a diet.

That's That's a skinny margarita of sex right there.

All

dick and no nuts.

So anyway, I'm just telling you that could be happening.

And look, it's 2027 or whatever it is.

Who gives a shit?

Some people are calling from the future now.

People are on different time continuums.

What I'm saying is this.

If you want to kiss them, kiss them.

Some woman the other night said, come over here and fuck me, you little fucking honky, you fat fuck.

Now, did I go over there?

No, it was late.

I was tired.

But i admire that lady okay and she will get my vote if she ever runs for office

but thank you so much i would just fucking kiss him i would fucking take his hands and i would just fucking

i would just be like

or just fucking write fuck me or something on one of his arms and then he reads it he's like fuck me and then bam

so that's actually that's illegal i think that's illegal.

So don't do that shit.

That's cheating or whatever.

But yeah, but yeah, I think these days, some men are too spooked.

They held the Me Too shit.

Everybody lobbed in everything about that.

And now everybody is, you know,

every guy's a pre, you know, so it's like now a lot of dudes, the good dudes are afraid.

They're afraid sometimes.

You know?

And I'll say this too.

A lot of men,

they think the wiener is barely even a wiener anymore in some circles of existence.

Some dudes, they just think they got that long pussy on them.

So let's hear another call here.

As always, hotline 985-664-9503.

Here we go.

Hey, what's going on, Theo?

My name is Jake Smith.

Jake Smith, thank you for the call, Daddy.

I appreciate it.

Onward.

I was really wondering if you had some fatherly advice.

I got my first baby on the way

here in less than a week.

I'm going to have to find out, boy or girl, so we'll see.

But a little bit about myself.

I'm a horseshoeer now.

I live over here on the countryside, over on the west coast.

Ooh, a horseshoeer, and I know what that's called.

That's called

a farrier.

A farrier, and I'm going to read it right now.

Shout out to the farriers out there.

a farrier, a craftsman who trims and shoes horses' hooves.

I appreciate that calling in.

My sister's ex-husband's stepdaddy was a farrier.

Cool business.

I enjoy watching those farrier videos over there on TikTok.

So let's hear it.

I used to work in zoos, used to take care of lions and tigers, walk them on leashes.

And so I'm used to the little wild animals, but a wild child.

Now, that's something a little different out of my expertise.

Oh, man, I think you're going to be fine, Daddy.

You know, y'all got that little CUDA gangster heading into the world, and that's beautiful.

You know, I think that's beautiful.

You're going to be fine if you get to handle a little

working at a

zoo.

You over there with the llamas, bro, and the gerbils over there.

And them baby bears, you know, and the hermit crab.

Dog, I'm a hermit crab.

Be like, whatever, motherfucker.

We got it.

We're late for work, dog.

That would be my thing, bro.

If I was a, you know, in Mexico, they don't have any hermit crabs, bro, because everybody's got to go to work, dog.

We can't fucking, that, that shit is a fucking white shit, bro.

That lazy shit.

Oh, I'm a hermit crab.

Bitch,

get off your fucking ass, homie.

But yeah, dog, you'll be fine.

You babysitting animals and stuff, you got a child on the way.

I don't know.

You're going to be fine.

But I say this, look that child in his eyes

and share something good into his face.

Because that's all his eyes.

His eyes are just absorbing what you're putting out in the world.

If every time you look at that child, you're full of disappointment or you're discouraged or you're upset, then he's going to be upset.

It's going to live inside of himself.

You're casting a spell into your child's heart every time you look at them.

Now, I don't mean you can't get mad at them or rough them up or fucking tie their legs in a knot and fucking tickle them

and fucking cover their body and fucking

sprinkles.

But

just know

that you got to emotionally raise a child.

If you don't teach a child how to feel,

then they're going to spend the rest of their life wandering around how to feel, homie.

So I'm not preaching at you.

I'm just wishing you guys the best in like kind of an aggressive manner.

I guess I'm kind of tired, but that's all right.

Praise God.

Good luck with that child, Daddy.

Here we go.

It's Emmy.

What's up, Emmy?

Thanks for calling.

I've been listening to the podcast for a long time.

Thank you so much.

You brightened up my day.

Some hiking or at work.

So I'm currently going to dinner with one of my ex-boyfriend's mom.

I had kind of a silly question, like,

how like how do people feel about

furthering like a relationship with somebody's parent when you're no longer together?

You know, me and this lady, like, we really love each other.

And if I could, she would be my mom.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I can totally relate to that.

I think, you know, we all,

you know, I believe that we get pieces of things of, excuse me, we get pieces of relationships from different people.

You know,

like, um,

there were moments in my life where my brother was around or wasn't around or was only so much available because of just positive things in his life or negative things in his life and vice versa, me for him.

And I would, you find somebody, you get a piece of brotherhood from somebody else.

You get a piece of fatherhood from somebody else.

You, you know,

and I really believe it is that way.

Oh, I had so many friends, mothers.

I would be friends with my friends, parents.

I was way better friends with my friend's parents most of the time.

I'd go over there and just bullshit with my friend just so I could go be around their parents and freaking chill,

smoke.

Sometimes my friend, my, one of my buddies' moms, she used to tell us, do not smoke.

If you guys get caught smoking, you are fucked, boys.

I'm going to pull your fucking feet off of your dick or whatever she would say, something, some old wife's tail or whatever.

Then me and her would go smoke, dude, while my buddy was doing some yard work and shit.

So it's like, yeah, I had great relationships with my buddy's parent with friends parents that was so much fun girlfriends parents for sure oh

i got probably 50 of the first hugs in my life from um

this young this this gal i dated i got probably 78 hugs from her mother the best

but yeah a lot of that's been a lot of my life So yes, I think you can.

I think you get bits and pieces and you just attract yourself to people in life.

And then sometimes those relationships fade, but they don't fade like they disappear.

They just time changes, you know,

and things happen.

And sometimes like the waves come and hit the beach and they still are hitting the beach, but the water, the actual, actual wave that originally hit the beach, it'll kind of move down the beach.

And so it's still hitting the beach, but it's moved on.

And that's how those relationships are sometimes in my life.

But I think they're great.

And yeah, and then we can do that for other people too.

You know, nothing makes makes you feel better than when you realize you have a moment doing something with somebody and it means a little bit of something.

You know, that's really beautiful, I think.

But,

yeah, I mean, look, the love you can get from other people's parents is just

bottomless.

You feel me?

You didn't think I was going to say yo.

Kind of feeling goofy today.

Hey, Theo, this is Jake

calling from Illinois.

What's up, Jake?

Illinois, baby.

That's what's up, Papa.

Let's hear more.

Anyways,

I just needed some advice.

I work long shifts at work, and

I let my emotions get the better of me sometimes.

I struggle with a little bit of an alcoholic problem.

And I know you've probably talked about this plenty of different times.

I've listened to a lot of your podcasts, but

it's really affecting

my

relationship and the way I go about certain things that upset me.

And

I can't seem to find that within me to get there.

My girlfriend that I'm with is really

really seeing the bad side of me that I don't want her to see.

But anytime anything really

gets a hold of me that I don't like,

it just takes over and I'm not the same guy that I was.

Amen, brother.

Look, I appreciate you calling.

I appreciate you letting me know and just sharing with us what's going on with you, you know?

Yeah, man.

Anger has been

a big problem of mine over the years.

You know,

I think for one, for me, there's been a lot of rage from being young and never got out.

Rage.

I mean, fury.

I mean a fucking fireball

that has endless fuel.

I think as an adult, you know, the things that I noticed for me with anger was unrealistic expectations of others.

Unrealistic expectations of others.

I was able to help figure that out through recovery through the 12-step program.

Now, that doesn't mean I've figured it out and then it solved it.

You know, at different times when I've been in and out of the program, I've like, you know, had to do the steps again and realize still a problem, still a problem.

But yeah, unrealistic expectations, expecting people to know things before I told them.

That was a big part of mine

of what caused me anger, you know, because then I'm,

you know, then I'm just, I'm always in conflict with everything.

So that would be the only thing I think I could recommend would be if you go through 12 steps and you get through, and there's different programs.

You know, you mentioned some alcoholism, and I don't know if, I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, you will know.

You know, you will, it's only, it's self-diagnosed.

But I do know there's other programs.

If you aren't, that's still other 12 steps.

And when you go through step four and five and six, you really start to figure out,

you know, your character defects.

And that can be a blessing.

You know, that's a gift.

So anyway, that's the only thing I can really recommend that I have had experience with.

But yeah, I just would be so angry.

And a thing like that, I couldn't, I wish I wanted to let that anger out.

So the crazy part is that anger will live in you and then you let it out years later.

Sometimes the people people you want to let it out at, they're not even there anymore.

They're gone.

They're ghosts.

Man, so it just can feel

like then it's almost like you fucking feel it again.

Because now you're angry that, you know, now you're having to deal with it again.

That it's not only was it in you at one point because you were furious, but now it's in you again because it's trying to get out of you.

It all comes to the surface, baby.

That's what I do believe.

But look, man, if you do something for yourself, then something will be different.

That's the truth.

If you do one thing, then something.

You know, nothing changes if nothing changes, baby.

They say that.

And it's the truth, man.

And if you heard that and you didn't understand it,

then I'm just going to say it again slow, not because I'm trying to preach at you.

I just want you to hear it, right?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So

when I've heard that in my life, it's been like, okay, how long do I want to sit here

and not take an action, but expect things to be different?

It kind of just

put a mirror in front of me sometimes.

All right, we got one more call right here that came in.

As always, the hotline, 985-664-9503.

let's see what we got

what's up mr vine what's up brother thanks for calling uh

yeah man i i just caught that street with joaquin phoenix dude and he's a shit uh i bet that was wild

yeah dude it was freaking wild dude so i'll tell you so um

Well, he said on the on the video that the on on on the podcast the reason he he that he came on was because he'd seen this video talking about the stuff stuff in the Middle East, and

which was interesting to me because some people don't want to think about that or hear about it.

And I respect that.

But just that he said that was interesting.

But outside of that, just to get to see him, he's had such a fascinating life.

You know, just from like, if you just go read up on his history, just

traveling in kind of like a cultish, no school like youth and just this whimsical Jack Carol whack.

If they're at a, it's almost like Peter Pan goes to a Grateful Dead type of show, you know, just,

I don't know, just

so many different things.

And then just like how talented he is, you know, and with him, and I don't even mean this like in a, it's talent for sure,

but it's almost feels, he's so unique that it feels almost other

worldly.

You know, it feels,

I mean,

you know, some actors, they have feelings.

You can relate to the feelings.

He'll have feelings

and connect behaviors to them that

some of us have never even had, it feels like.

So it's just,

yes, so I just felt, I just felt so lucky.

And,

you know, I wanted to be gracious to him.

I wish there was more things we could have talked deeper about, but it's weird.

You don't, you don't want people to think you're trying to just talk about certain things or tough times, um,

and

you're trying to get to know somebody and let them know that you're trying to be as authentic as you can, or like that, you know, that you don't have any ill will.

You know, I think

you know, so anyway, I'm kind of overthinking it, which is like my ego starting to flare up.

But I thought it was awesome, dude.

Let me hear what more you had to say.

I mean, you know, you're talented too, though.

It's like you're sitting across from just somebody in the business, I reckon.

But at any rate, you know, I do enjoy his movies quite a bit.

Oh, dude, no, I enjoyed it, man.

I hugged him like three times in the hallway, and I was like, holy shit, dude.

I think I'm,

you know, I mean, I'm, yeah, I'm going to get married to a woman one day or something, but I can't hug him anymore.

That was what I realized.

I was like, oh, you can't hug somebody you don't know.

Somebody, if they're nice, they'll let you hug them three times, but

you shouldn't keep hugging that person, you know?

Especially if they're, you know,

it wasn't like, it wasn't, it was fine, but it was definitely

there was

there was no more hugs.

You could hear somebody say it.

Nobody said it, but you, we both heard it, right?

It was that kind of thing.

So, but no, he was gracious, and uh, I felt lucky.

And that movie, Eddington, no joke, I think is one of the neatest roles.

Um, Austin Butler's in it.

Uh, Perro Pascal or Peso Pluma's Dad, I think, is in it.

I'm not even sure.

Check it out.

Anyway, thanks.

One more call right here.

Let's get to it.

What's up, man?

This is Miles.

What's up, Miles?

Damn, that feels like responsibility, dog.

Having that name, gaw.

Every time I go for a jog, fuck.

Okay.

Onward.

I uh

wanted to talk to you about your brother.

You know, I uh

I recently got close to my brother, and he's 12 years older than me.

I swear I'm not a mistake, but we got close, we worked together, and

you know,

I just

he means a lot to me.

And

if I see the videos of you talking about your brother, and

there's a lot of things I want to say to him, and

you help me with that.

We saw your comedy show in Kansas City.

You rocked it.

I don't think I've ever seen my brother cry until that moment.

And,

you know,

I think you kind of helped us come together.

But

my point is that I love you, man, and keep doing what you're doing.

And

you helped me.

You helped me, my brother.

And I hope your brother's doing good.

And I love you guys.

Peace out.

Well, thank you, bro.

That's nice of you you to say, dude.

I think that's,

yeah, man, I appreciate it, dude.

Thank you, bro.

I liked how at the end you said, I love you guys.

You know, you included my brother even in that statement.

I thought that was very thoughtful of you.

Yeah, you know, I think this goes back even to that lady that called earlier saying, Do we, you know, is it okay to be friends with an old friend's mother or an ex's mother?

You know, it's like we get pieces of relationships from different people over time.

You know, and some people fill in the blanks for us while people aren't there

or can't be there.

But yeah, having a brother, man, that's just like, I'm so glad you guys have gotten some moments.

Oh, dude,

a moment with my brother where I know that he loves me or I'm able to let him know that I love him.

I don't know why that kind of stuff is so hard sometimes for some brothers, but

oh yeah, those are some of my favorite things.

You know, like one day, whenever I die, that's the feeling I want to feel when I'm leaving, you know?

I think that's where I would go back to in my head or my heart, just go back to that space, you know?

Because it's kind of like as close as you will get.

And also, it's like having somebody that's like cares about you, but also can be like a detective because they have the same clues as you inside of them.

So being able to conversate and stuff about those things and work things out,

it's awesome.

I'm glad y'all got to do that.

Thank you for coming too, bro.

Thank you, bro.

Yeah.

And, you know, brothers, older brothers, we don't get, we should have a special day for them.

You know,

they take a lot of the early heat in the world.

They are experimental for a lot of families.

They're like, well,

let's see what happens with Gary.

You know, they send, you know.

Or they'll be like helicopter.

They'll have him in a fucking, you know.

But it gets different, though, when you get on now sixth, seventh child.

That motherfucker ain't got no clothes on.

You know, Gary's got to wear a damn neck brace full-time.

He's got polio shots.

He didn't have polio, but they gave him so many vaccines.

He's damn got it now.

He's got that, you know.

So I think it's

they do a lot to that early brother.

You know, and then we get to watch and see, like, and learn the landscape.

And then you're always trying to be your older brother, but be yourself.

But yeah, thank you, man.

I think I don't know what else to say today about it,

but we should have a Brother's Day in the world, you know?

And I know the brothers out there in Philly are bottomless, dude.

I know that, you know, but I mean, we should have a Brother's Day, man.

You know, where there's just like a special time for brothers right there.

Because Indian dudes, they have it all the time.

You see a couple of Indian brothers, they holding hands and everything.

They over there putting fucking,

you know, zitzackie on each other's necks and shit.

Them dudes is close as hell.

But yeah, I'm happy for you, bro.

And I'm happy that you thought today I'm a call today.

I'm just going to tell somebody else I love my brother.

It's kind of,

you know, it's, it sounds bizarre to say that, but it also sounds like one of the most important things you could do.

Tell somebody, you know, I fucking love my brother.

Like, well, damn, all right.

You know, find a state where it's legal or whatever.

Trump will take it away.

Anyway, thank you for the call, bro.

I love your brother too.

And you tell your brother, I said, I'm proud of his brother.

Dustin Poirier's retired, but that's okay.

We never give up on him.

We love him.

He's going to be out there fighting crime.

I don't know what he's going to be that bayou Batman, you know.

That's who he is, baby.

James J.

Braddick of the Bayou Swamp dorella man you know it

we still got love he's in our hearts always

as we move forward i will say this one thing

i bought myself something nice we donated to the dustin porrier foundation and we got his final fight gloves and so those are going to be um in the studio and so he was one of our first guests he's given us a lot of support but also a lot of inspiration over the the years, you know?

And

that's another place right there.

I'm thinking out loud where sometimes you get a piece of a brother or a sister or a mother or a friend or something.

You get it through somebody else, you know?

And those are gifts from God.

So, and to anybody out there who doesn't have a sibling or they've lost a sibling or something like that,

feel that channel of your sibling through others, you know.

I hope that there's an opportunity for you to feel that or that

there's an avenue of grace that opens up in your life or this week where you get to feel something like that.

Because I believe that people on the other side can feel them when we talk to them.

I believe they, I believe, I bet not only do they feel it, I bet they hear it in beautiful stereo.

You know, I bet all of our siblings and family members could be at a big rave somewhere.

And whenever we say something to them from this side, the DJ is out there and he just remixes the words, you know.

I love you, Ronnie.

You know,

we miss you, Jillian.

We miss you, Jillian.

But anyway, praise God.

You guys be good to yourselves.

Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Sorry, I was kind of chatty today.

Thank you guys.

Love y'all.

And thanks for loving me.

Or thanks for just listening, even.

Even if you hate me, just fucking thanks for tuning in.

Praise God.

Now I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must must be

cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

I found I can feel it

in my bones.

But it's gonna take

a little

bit of time.