Hiking

Morning, beans.

Morning.

I call an early pompadoo.

Pompadou.

What?

Sello.

And now it's time for

pompadou section.

Pompidou.

Pom-ado.

Mike's in what looks like

a wine cellar.

I'm in a wine cellar/slash dungeon.

It looks like you've been kidnapped by a count or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But a count who's going to treat me ever so well.

Oh, yeah, but you'll never see sunlight again.

I will never see sunlight, but I'll have the finest silks and fabrics

on my skin.

You will have the finest silks and fabrics.

But your life force will be being tapped away

through a life force tap they'll have installed somewhere in your lower body yeah but after a couple of years of that i'll i'll assume that that's for the greater good and i'll actually be fully behind the whole process yeah yeah that's the skill of the count and of course he'll be running around europe betting princesses and politicians wives and leading generals just using your life force exactly

and um

and it makes you think you know what you could have done with that life force because you had it

but i think again the count talks me through that and works out we work out that I probably would have wasted that.

I probably would have procrastinated that life force away.

Yeah.

And why waste that life force when he could use that for his sexual adventures?

Michael, you would not have bedded Margaret of Pomerania.

I wouldn't have got around to it.

Wouldn't have thought of it.

No.

Wouldn't have thought of it.

Yeah.

Not an issue for the Count.

But unfortunately, it means that I am recording from the Count's lair, which means I apologise to the listeners.

It's very echoey and there is a sort of air duct so that I can breathe but I have no control over the noise so I apologize for that.

So the Count has installed aircon for you?

Well the Count needs to keep you alive.

Yeah yeah

yeah

because he's got his sight set on bedding Dame Elizabeth Pras

hasn't he before the year is out.

He's going to need a lot of life force to do that.

And she moves fast.

She keeps moving all the time.

She's half the window.

She keeps moving.

So Mike, where actually are you i'm in manchester yeah i'm a bean at large i'm in manchester and i i left my hotel this morning and almost walked into sort of life-size banner of the gallagher brothers it was a bit on the nose frankly

come in manchester try harder there are pictures of them literally everywhere they've gone for liverpool basically you know in liverpool when you go to liverpool it's like the the beatles are

I've spoken to people from Liverpool, they deny this, but I think they've got Beatle sort of blindness.

But there are images of the fab for literally everywhere they've they've done they've done that here with the why why is this thing on social media I'm seeing which is like all right so here's Wonderwall or something is that because that's what he said at the beginning giggle have you heard that no what is it what do you mean no I just I just keep on seeing

I thought I think I've been seeing memes and things to do with right so here's wonder wall or something Henry you need to look up you're wasting your life

look up from the screen and you're being told that by a man who's been captured in a basement by a count yeah Henry

That's because he's still got some life force in him.

I have some life force.

Well,

I did have a sticky start to the morning because I didn't get in until three last night.

And then at half past six this morning.

Because you're mad for it.

Manchester is still.

Manchester is still very much Madchester.

I got woken up by

the person in the next room banging on my wall.

What?

In the hotel.

And then I sort of

took a moment to work out what was going on.

And the reason they're doing that clearly is because there was a gurgling from the drains.

But it was obviously like at least floor wide, if not hotel-wide.

There was no way I was causing the sustained gurgling, which I was happily sleeping through, but they clearly weren't.

So they thought perhaps I was doing the drain gurgling.

And then this person, I could hear them going in and out of their room repeatedly, like slamming the door, marching up and down the corridor.

Like I assume listening at other doors to see what the source of the gurgling was until they realised that it was.

that it was hotel wide and there was n nothing to be done about it.

That's really stressful.

It's really strange.

It It was a bit don't look now as well, because I don't even know if it was a man or a woman.

I just saw a kind of a sort of dark purple

hooded robe.

Quite a small person scurrying around, yeah.

Were they scurrying in that sort of spooky way, which is slightly faster than 24 frames per second?

So the frame rate was slightly off.

And suddenly they're on the ceiling.

And also, their bloodlust was up as well.

Yeah, the bloodlust.

You know what I mean?

They wanted, they wanted blood.

And the glowing within the hoodie, the glowing dark,

The glowing of

rotating around each other.

Dropping fangs.

Yes.

And fang.

Fangs both ways.

Fangs both ways.

Fangs both ways.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

it's a lovely Manchester tradition, isn't it, to have a hotel homunculus or a hot munculus.

Isn't it?

Well, four stars and above, you'll get a hot munculus.

Four stars and above.

Yeah, you get a hot munculus.

And they wander the corridors, scaring the shit out of people.

But it's seen as a way of warding off

liver pudlians

and fruit flies yeah yeah it's it's it's it's a manchester liverpool rivalry thing and often you'll get down to the breakfast buffet then and the hotel killers will be the egg chef and they make fantastic omelets yeah light and fluffy like you wouldn't believe and when do they get the sleep of course they don't need to because they are powered up they have drips which which channel the life force from people trapped in Hungarian basements like Mike.

It's an ecosystem.

It's an ecosystem, isn't it?

And of course, it's great when you see them making the omelette because obviously they're not wearing the hood, and you can see their head is actually perfectly hood-shaped, isn't it?

Underneath, fleshy and conical all the way to the top.

And then you've got a miniature, because the head's conical, they've got a miniature sort of Lego man-sized haircut at the top.

Hell no.

The choice of three styles.

Which is parting, side parting, and

dread.

Synchron mini dread.

Mini dread.

So, Mike, did you.

going through your mind must have been the thought, should I call out?

I am not the

I am not the cause of this gurgling.

Yeah, well,

I found myself also feeling murderous, you see.

So when they started doing their patrol and going around and listening to other doors, I almost longed for them to give my door a second.

Oh, yeah.

You just try Haute Monculous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And it's good that didn't happen because you'd have never seen me again.

You can't beat Hope Munculus

when it's in

full song.

No, because what they do is they can take, they'll take a copy of tomorrow's newspaper rolled, but rolled up so tight that it's like the sharpest Valerian sort of steel on earth.

Julienu from the inside out.

Julianneu from the inside out.

And also...

They, weirdly, at the end, just as you're with your last breath, I'll give you a very, very, very small cross on.

but you haven't got time to eat

no that's why it's so cruel that's why it's so cruel and that's why it is actually made of wax

it is reusable so were you were you kind of like were your hackles up were you ready for a bit of a confrontation mike yeah i was actually yeah

because what time was this it was like half past six you've had three and a half hours sleep and a three and a half and and it things it well and i knew from the from the wake that that i i'd been awoke properly and that was that was it oh that's annoying do you know what i mean did you get your jaw clenched, Mike?

Because

that's what you do, isn't it?

When you're ready for when you're ready to pounce,

you clench those jaws.

Because, of course, the jaw muscles are the strongest thing on the world, aren't they?

I think that's the fact.

Yeah, it wasn't my finest moment.

Yeah.

I can picture that.

I had a thing recently where I last week, there was a man outside my house shouting and ranting and raving.

I looked out the window and I worked out that what happened was he'd put a dog turd in someone's bin.

Come to Cardiff.

City of innovation.

Because that's the Cardiff spirit, isn't it?

You work together.

Working together for a better future.

Exchanging bin turds.

So he'd put a turd in someone's bin.

I think a bagged turd, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah, seems fair fair enough, maybe.

No, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, sorry.

Anyway, he'd been seen to do this from an upper window, but from the person whose bin it was.

Yeah.

So they, I think, shouted out the window, oh, excuse me.

I'm just guessing.

That is someone who's been staring out of their window for like 15 years straight, just waiting for a moment like this.

Yes, it's happened.

It's happened, Marjorie.

It's happening.

That's not their fault.

The reason Derek is doing that is because the very same thing did happen 15 years before.

Exactly.

They didn't catch the perpetrator and they didn't know it happened until they put other stuff on top of that bagged turd, and that the bag had burst, and they had to clean out someone else's dog's turd from their bin.

I've been there, I have been, Derek.

Mike's been waiting at that window for 15 years.

Yes, I'm still waiting now for vengeance.

It's a fearsome job.

It is a fearsome job.

A burst, turdy bag in a wheelie bin.

Well, can I tell you the nearest thing I've ever experienced to that?

I was at university and I

had an unplumbed toilet in my room.

What?

Okay, I've got to tell you, this is quite hideous, this story.

Were you living in an IKEA?

Ben, people don't know this.

It's a great life hack.

If you just

change your working schedule, you can have free accommodation in Ikea's across the land.

Just not much privacy.

Well, no, at night, they're fine.

You're by yourself at night.

You can eat meatball scrapings from the

from the floors of the kitchen.

You can eat aloe vera plants.

Some desk lamps actually have a sort of chemical fluid in them, which is bitter and tart

and will make you wretch and causes a lot of blood shotting of the eyes and will cause loosening of the teeth and skeleton.

of the teeth and skeleton and flap flapper flappification, I think it's the phrase of the face skin.

A reduction in the tautness of the fingernails and a supuration of the feet.

Some of the rugs are made of a sort of semi-edible hemp, I think.

Yes, that's right.

Very good, rough, rough.

It's semi-hemp, isn't it?

Yeah, it's semi-edible.

Unfortunately, the other half of the semi-is is

semi-edible and demi-poisonous.

So make sure that you've got one of their, well, a range of three different types of waste paper baskets to

vomit into.

It's a parallel world.

Anyway, so I was at university i think it was my final year

when you when you're young you experiment with with different forms of of plumbing

you do

no there's it was more on the interior decor front i i because you know you're experimenting with what it is to be an adult at university because you're living away from your parents for the first time a lot of the time and you know you're doing things like oh i'm gonna have a mug tree like a grown-up.

Oh, I'm going to read the newspaper.

Oh, I'm going to have someone around for a cup of tea.

You know, you're going through all these like rituals of adulthood, but in a sort of playful form

that's quite fun.

But what I did, I was experimenting with interior decor, so I had um, my room had a couple of chairs in it, had space for a couple of people to come and sit around a little table, and they have little little coffee do's or well, little drinkies and things.

I was walking around and I spotted a

skip near where I was living, which had it which had a toilet in it, an unplumbed

it was unplumbed.

It was already unplumbed by it.

I think it's just not the start of an anecdote for anyone else in the world.

Because everyone else walks past it.

I'm not given the toilet.

It doesn't even register for a lot of people.

In fact, a lot of people will have walked past unplumbed toilets in Scripps today and won't even know it.

It doesn't become the point.

Because their brain filters it out of a chapter of their life.

It doesn't become.

So I thought it would be quite fun.

I want to foster a reputation

as an eccentric.

Okay.

You're in your final year.

You're already working on your definitive thesis.

Keeping on my definitive thesis.

That work is basically taken care of.

I've pushed the boundaries of

academia as far as I'm comfortable pushing them for now.

How about the boundaries of interior decor?

So, anyway, I lugged this unplumbed toilet back to my

to what end as a sort of decoy toilet

as a control toilet.

Sort of placebo toilet.

A placebo.

Basically, I thought it'd be quite funny to have it as an option for people to sit on.

So you come around to my little second-hand toilet.

I think it was pretty, it was clean.

Like, it wasn't.

It's not clean, mate.

It might have been next to skip.

It's been wrenched out of a.

It's been so confounded.

It's a big house that someone's had to literally take it out of the house and skip it.

I've only just thought of that this now, you know, the height

implications of it.

I mean, I think it had been given whatever level of cleaning builders presumably do as standard when removing toilets from buildings.

Anyway, I took it back to my little place.

So it was kind of like a wacky option.

You come around, have a drink.

Oh, have a tea.

Do you want to sit on the

still shit-smeared toilets?

On the fetid, fly-ridden.

fly-ridden

looking back it wasn't it it was it was really ill thought through on i'm gonna say almost every level how much of the toilet was there was the was the tank at the back there as well can't have been just the seat surely in the bowl i think it was just seat and the the beginnings of a e-bend and when we say seat do we do you mean the actual seat or or was it just the porcelain bowl or was the was the seat still and the lid still has tightened and the seat and lid were very much i'm not an animal

you'd sit on the seat really the idea was you'd sit on top of of the seat

which is something i think you only normally do in real life if you're having some sort of crisis

isn't it when you're sitting on top of the toilet yes or if you're hiding from an assassin

yeah yeah it's a good hiding from

cross-legged

as you can tell i was quite the character

I also had a huge, huge leather jacket that I bought from a

flea market and wraparound silver reflective oakly shades.

That was me by day.

And by night, I was sitting on top of an unplumbed toy.

I was reclining.

At the pleasure of Mr.

Armitage and Mr.

Shanks.

Anyway, so that was my thing for a while.

And it was there, you know, it was fine.

Did you get rid of it?

Well, no, the story gets much, much, much worse.

I mean, this is really just the entree.

This is is the foothills, isn't it?

It's the foothills.

We're not even at base camp.

We're not even at base camp one.

So get your oxygen masks on and remember your training.

Things are about to get quite rocky.

One day, towards the end of the time, I noticed like a really,

really gross smell in my room.

Oh, God, this is so awful.

And I forgot about it.

A few days later, I was like, oh,

that is.

A few days.

I was like, that's a really weird smell.

And I can't work out where it's coming from.

Can you hear that?

Yeah, it's the anecdote of emergency alarm.

It's the anecdote emergency already.

I'm sorry, we've got to stop.

Eventually,

I thought, hang on, it seemed like maybe it's coming out of that unplumbed toilet that sat in my room.

And

basically,

a friend of mine had had a shit in it.

I'm like,

oh, God.

A friend of yours?

I was actually still in touch.

I had lunch with him about two days ago.

So, how has this happened?

He's done it on purpose to be a dick because it's the 90s.

It was lad culture.

I mean, it was basically Oasis's fault.

They created a climate where this kind of thing was acceptable.

Oh, don't give a shit.

Oh, oh, your Ponce Susan mate's got a fucking unplumb toilet in his board.

Great.

Fucking get out of my way.

Nice.

Slip, stick the lid back on, go out and get myself a fucking prawn baguette.

Obviously, it's quite new at the moment.

Yeah.

Prawn baguette, mate.

Yeah, I don't know how many prawns there are in it.

About 50.

I don't know what prawns are yet, exactly.

But yeah.

Wow.

Good lord.

So why did that what did my story about someone putting a dog to her did in a bit

well because I still haven't finished the story?

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

It's the

it this story is a triptych and it's the last thing you wanted was this story to be a triptych.

Tripty.

The first story is a quite depressing tale of a guy who thinks it's okay to take an unplumbed toilet into his room.

No one is going to come back for the next season of Beans.

You understand that, don't they?

This is the last of the

current season.

It's over.

Sorry, everyone.

This is how it ends.

The middle one is a guy's friend having a shit in his room in an unplumbed toilet.

This also tracks the three Greek drama stages, doesn't it?

Yes.

Are we about to get the Deus ex Machina?

Are we going to get the Deosis?

Yeah.

Hubris.

It's time for the Catharsis.

The herd and the machine.

Hubris is definitely me getting the Lou back into my room.

Yeah.

That is Hubris.

Yeah.

What comes after that?

What is it?

It's Hubris Catharsis.

What's the other one?

I think it's Catharsis the last one.

Yeah.

And here we go.

The tragic hero, Hubris Hamatia.

Or Nemesis.

Nemesis.

Well, Nemesis is my friend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Hubris is taking a toilet into your own home.

Which I should not have done.

I mean, of course.

But the hero is flawed.

That's why he's a hero.

A preference for wanting to sit on unplumbed toilets at home was my Achilles' heel.

And the call to action comes in many forms, doesn't it?

It does.

It does.

Actually, I didn't resist the call.

I saw that toilet and I grabbed it.

I didn't even go through the stage of resisting the call and needing a wise man to give me some free sandals

or whatever it is you get.

Well, I think actually before catharsis, is it crisis?

Because I think I go through essentially my moment of Oedipus stabbing out his own eyes or whatever.

I go through the ultimate horror where my hubris is paid for.

I think that would be pre-Catharsis.

Because I think catharsis is now

society returns to its status quo.

Justice has been served.

Everything's back to normal.

Yeah.

The catharsis bit is right now with you getting this off your chest and spreading the suffering into the other beans and to our listenership.

Sometimes it's a long journey.

So if there's anyone out there that university maybe took an unplumbed urinal into their quarters,

maybe a medical waste bin and tried to set it up as a sort of chaise long,

you know, I can't be the only person who's done something like this.

But anyway, so any, so anyway, when I discovered it, I then took the, I took the toilet to the toilet, which is not something a lot of people get to say.

But for some reason, I made this terrible decision, which was...

I tried to dispose of the matter inside.

And so this is why I brought up this story because it was Mike, you describing cleaning wet poo out of a out of a bin being a horrible experience.

And I thought, I'll raise you one

because I had to try, for some reason, I tried to pour all this

old turd

into the bath.

Oh, come on, mate.

Why?

Why?

But this is why Greek tragedians went to these places because the city needs the city needs to experience the pain you're both experiencing now, which is why,

why?

Why did you take a dump in an unplumped toilet?

I mean, the shagging your mum and killing your dad thing.

We frankly,

we're not too fussed about those anymore.

So, so, so, yeah, so catharsis.

How do you feel now?

Do you feel that's been catharsic?

I feel filthy.

It's how you feel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like I'm back in that wheelie bin.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll get some catharsis from Ben.

Ben, I want to know what happened in this conflicts between these.

Yeah, so basically, the woman shouted out of the window to say, oi, don't put your dog poo in my bin.

And he went absolutely bonkers.

Oh, wow.

And picked up her wheelie bin.

It's quite heavy, big thing.

Yeah.

Tipped it up so all of everything that was in the wheelie bin had come out.

And he went, look now, look what you've made me do now.

Look what you've made me do now.

Then he started calling her a C-word.

Cantankerous?

Was he being a bit commanderly?

You cantankerous old prune, he said.

You fig.

You rank fig.

Then she started shouting at him to try and stop him from doing that.

Then he said, All right, I'll put it all back in again then, and started putting all the rubbish back in the bin.

And then he said, I've done you a favor now.

I've put all your rubbish in the bin.

You owe me.

Oh, wow.

And then he went off, and I thought, okay, that's okay.

And then about 10 minutes later, he came back.

Oh, my God.

My hackles were raised, Mike, much like you this morning with the hotel monkulus.

I don't know what it was, but I was like, I need to go out and remonstrate with this man.

And it was a mad idea, a mad decision on my part.

Your first citizen's arrest.

So, two questions.

My question is:

Do you rip your shirt off

or did you calmly unbutton it and hang it on something?

Because I'd say the latter is more threatening.

I think it is, actually.

You fold it neatly.

Then you take off your shoes.

I used to box for Cambridge.

Put up your dukes.

Yeah, it's that thing, yeah.

And eventually, by the time you're down to your pants, they've almost always gone.

They've almost always run away, I find.

If you undress slowly enough and with enough sort of deliberateness.

Yeah, if it looks like you might be challenging to a proper, like proper traditional Greco-style wrestle.

Oh, I greased myself, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you go out?

Did you step out?

Yeah, so my feeling was: I don't want this man to hurt anyone.

Yes.

And then I left my house, approached him, and realized that I was providing him with someone to hurt, basically.

There was no one else who could be hurt because.

Yes.

Well, at that point, there was potential for him hurting himself, right?

Which obviously you don't want.

And the woman was in her house, so she was safe.

Yeah.

But not feeling safe, presumably.

No, no, of course not.

But I think, and I think that's, yeah, I think I was trying to reassure her or something.

I felt,

but also it did feed into a kind of bullshit male kind of psyche of going, well, I can't let this stand, not in my cul-de-sac.

And you put on your black leather sort of ankle-length trench coat, didn't you?

And my silver-shaded oak clease.

I put on my old hippie backers.

You're all hippopotas.

And if you'd had, let's face it, if you'd had an unplumbed toilet, that would have been under your arm, wouldn't it?

And it was, yeah, it was a mistake.

So what happened next?

He just started shouting at me.

Oh, God.

And he was saying he was being a good neighbor by putting it in someone else's bin.

And I said, but you did call her a C-word.

That's right.

Cantankerous old prune.

What was weird, though, is I felt absolutely nothing throughout.

And I thought, maybe I'm really hard.

Maybe.

Actually, maybe it's not too late.

Maybe I can get the nickname the snake.

Maybe I can get traction.

not benjamin partridge not ben but the snake

and not any specific kind of snake just the snake the snake i don't think snake's right though i think i was going for more of a kind of maybe i'd be called like dr justice you know something a bit more on the side of goods or how about this dr justice snake oh yeah

now we're cooking on gas yeah and it was fine he um he dispersed insofar as one person can disperse yeah

well well done.

You did your job.

What happened to the turd?

Do we know where the turd ended up in the end?

He took the turd away with him.

So

the catharsis did take place.

Everything was right with the world.

But then I did go home and think, well, he knows where I live.

And

he's still got that turd.

And his nine angry brothers as well.

Yeah,

he'll be coming back.

Yeah, were their nine angry turds?

Let's turn on the bean machine.

Let's do it.

This week's topic, as sent in, well, I say sent in, what they did do is go to the web address, enter the bean machine.boats.

That's the way to do it.

And there they were able to

submit.

Can I say it quickly?

I genuinely still don't know why it's dot boats.

Is that a joke that's to do with boats?

It's a bit of BP whimsy.

Every time this is mentioned, you say, why was that?

I say, it was a bit of whimsical fun.

But you've really had to pay the price for that, haven't you?

So it's a bit

there was no particular reason it was boats.

Was that just because you find boats fun and whimsical?

Or stop chipping away at the fun.

Sorry,

and this week it's from Haley, Haley from Guildford.

Okay,

not a nice place.

Oh,

no, that's right.

You've had some rough gigs there, have you?

No, yeah, yeah, all right, Mike.

Well done, yes.

It's usually what

it's normally what it's normally what it is, isn't it?

Yeah,

which is like I'm basically doing like anywhere, pretty much, except for certain parts of North London where I go down a treat.

I look forward to our nationwide tour later this year.

Tickets still available for Glasgow and Newcastle and Brighton and probably some other places.

But it is a sell-out tour.

Make no mistake of that.

But you can have tickets available within a sell-out context, aren't you?

It's a bit of cognitive dissonance, sure.

But that's what we're asking the audience to embrace.

Yeah.

That idea.

Two things can be true at the same time.

If you don't think that, you're basically a lizard.

A hot ticket can still be an available ticket.

Also, it's a sellout tour insofar as we're doing it in partnership with panasonic

their batteries are better than sony ones

that's the um that's the message of the show that's the message yeah that's the message of the show

yeah which we have to weave in at least 37 times during during proceedings well there's a really i mean not to give away too much there's a big coup deantre isn't there where all of the lights go off and someone went who used sony batteries yeah yeah we're still in dispute aren't we, about whether it's Sony or Sony, but we'll iron that out before it'd probably change in different parts of the country, I'd say.

We'll keep an eye on that for regional

county town of Surrey, it'll be Sony, always.

It'll be very much Sony with the with the narrow O, with the O, and of course, um, further north, Newcastle, Sony mid!

It's small, isn't it?

It's small, it's small micro variations that will, we'll weave in to make the audience feel comfortable and seen.

We are not performing in Guilford, by the way.

No, because it's not a good place.

Also, the December gigs will be fun because

we're doing a Panasonic Panettone, aren't we?

We're doing the Panetone.

The Panettone.

That's cool.

We're calling it the Panettone.

Yeah, it's a Tsiong.

Combine the Christmasy Yule feeling of Panettone and the being better batteries than Sony of Panasonic.

And what have you got?

A Panettone.

and that's a sort of laser display, isn't it?

Where there's a Panetone depicted, and all the different cherry, all the different gassy cherries are our faces.

Yeah, but al fuckers are doing Panasoni, aren't they?

That's the only trick.

Alfuckers are doing Panasoni.

So there is a conflict of interest.

There is a bit of a conflict of interests.

But again, it's all tied up in the Dutch courts at the moment.

Anyway, so Haley from Guilford has sent in

hiking.

Hiking.

I mean, I've got some hiking boots, which I do like to get out

about once a year.

And yeah, I don't really hike.

Do you ramble?

I think of it as car park challenge.

Basically, how fast can we get back to the car park?

Starting at the car park.

One thing I do know is I do know that you ideally for a hike slash walk, you don't want to be doubling back on yourself.

You're on a circular route ending in a pub lunch.

The same pub where you left your car.

Starting with a pub lunch and ending with a pub lunch, I do.

That's the British gold standard, isn't it?

Yeah.

getting to the pub lunch early enough that they haven't run out of the lamb, for example.

I find myself doing, you know, when you go somewhere, and there's a map on a board, and it says there are three routes you can take.

One of them will take you 20 minutes, and there's about a mile.

One will take you three hours, and one will take you five hours.

I'm always on the little one.

The tiddler.

Hit the tiddler.

I will tend to hit the tiddler.

Hit the tiddler.

Get the little free sheet with an H trail on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cross off the table.

The little butterflies and birds as you see them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do

nature trails.

There's a lot, the kind of place that Ben is describing where they would that clearly signpost the tiddler root and the big root and all that kind of stuff.

The tiddler one, almost always there's well, these days it's on an app, of course, but back in the day it would be a little sheet of paper and the tiddlers and toddlers can do a little nature trail.

Yeah.

Can you see a widgeon?

Exactly.

For example.

Have the leaves of an oak tree, for example.

A sketch of a tit.

The flora and fauna of our country is so incredible, isn't it?

The majesty of a widgeon.

When the light catches a widgeon.

I mean, the Serengeti's got nothing on this.

I'm sorry.

It just hasn't.

Has it?

A widgeon, the way it lands on a twig.

Or another widgeon.

Or another widgeon.

Playfully.

When they playfully gamble.

A mid-air gamble.

Can you see a crocodile doing that?

Can you see a giraffe doing that?

A mid-air mounting and a playful mid-air gamble resulting in landing on a twig.

And that twig could have a range of three different leaf shapes on it.

Classic leaf.

Well, ranging from classic leaf to large classic leaf and medium leaf.

To identify slightly different leaf.

To identify a slightly different leaf.

I mean, does anything on earth

match the wonder of being involved in a British hike when a person, normally a man I'm going to say, turns to you and says, hmm,

I'm pretty sure this is a limestone area.

It's like a hymn, isn't it?

Like your whole body, your skeleton is singing a hymn, a hymn of national pride, but a hymn of more than that, a hymn of just a sense of the transcendent, powerful beauty of this country.

And its sandstone past.

Yeah.

Its sandstone past, its chalk future,

and its slate beds.

The glaciers of the Beaker people scoring their way through the limestone and sandstone.

And they would travel on those glaciers like a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very slow, massive skateboard.

Was it?

Sculpting the land.

Sculpting the land as it went.

Not making large mountains, but small, hillocky things.

You're not sure.

It might be you've just got something in your glasses.

No, no, it is a hillock.

Is it?

No, no,

can't tell.

Do you know what scene I imagine Mike is quite heavily into?

Because I can imagine Mike really sort of thriving here.

Cool.

It's the saying hello to other people on a walk scene.

Hello.

Afternoon.

That's very Devonshire.

I mean, and particularly if there's dogs in play.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You can't cold shoulder people in the middle of

a wilderness, though, can you?

But what is it?

Why do we do that?

I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

I like it as well, but we don't.

You wouldn't do it on Tooting High Street.

No.

Yeah, that hello thing is very jarring, obviously, for a Londoner, because the other weird thing is you see the person coming from miles away, which also doesn't happen in London.

In London, people are, they're on you.

Because just between you and all the other people, there's just people.

Yes,

if you've been approached that suddenly in the countryside, you are being attacked.

Exactly.

But

another weird thing about Londoners is that London is surely one of the only places in the world where you can, you know, you know that the dance you do when someone's walking opposite you on the pavement and you go left, they go left, you go left, they go left.

That can happen in London completely straight-faced, left, right, left, right, left, right.

We both move on.

Oh, really?

Because

in Devonshire, it would be Chuckletown there.

It should be.

In Devonshire?

This is unbelievable.

Can I marry your daughter?

Of course.

I've already done the paperwork since this banter exchange began.

Let's call it a feast.

And eat the sickly child.

Eat the village's sickly child.

Yeah.

It's that, isn't it?

Which is actually nice.

It's heartwarming stuff.

Well, that's how country dancing began, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Two people walk down the street and left.

And right.

And right.

And up and round we go.

Okay.

Someone put some music to it.

Yeah.

You got a party.

Sickly child on the spit.

And obviously, eventually that was replaced with sickly pig, and now just hog, just hog roast, isn't it?

But of course, the big hiking story at the moment sort of

bogus salt path book.

The bogus salt path.

Oh, yeah, it's in the zeitgeist, isn't it?

That's heavily in the zeitgeist.

So normally we wouldn't talk about it.

Have you read it or seen the film?

I have done neither, I have to confess.

No, I haven't, but I can already tell you that I would have preferred the book.

I'm someone that always would have preferred the book.

Yes.

When it comes to most

film adaptations of books,

I just got to say I generally would have preferred the book.

I tend to prefer the abridged radio 4 version.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Read by Hugh Bonneville.

4.15 Minutes.

Anaquatts, read by Hugh Vonneville.

Yeah.

At 11.45 a.m.

Yeah, that is quite a great day.

Get it down, yeah.

Yeah.

So none of us have seen or read it, but we're just aware of the scandal.

I only heard of it when I saw the posters in the cinema the first time I heard of the book or the film.

And it looked like one of those films, and this is not to be disrespectful, that's made entirely for the kind of OAP.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Silver dollar.

Yeah.

Salt path.

Yeah.

Why is that?

I don't think that's true, is it?

Well, because it's about someone going for a walk around the coast.

It's about, you know, she saves the husband's got a kind of bad illness and they've run out of money and they decide to walk and keep walking, I think, right?

Is that

to save the family and stuff?

Yeah, so you haven't mentioned any killer robots.

Oh, yes.

There's no samurai.

Where's Tom Cruise fitting in?

Where is exactly?

Presumably, there's a glass file of bright blue liquid.

There's no, there's no liquid.

Some sort of code?

There must be a code.

There's no code.

It turns out the child is the code.

There's none of that.

Ah, so it's more of a mystical monkey's foot.

One of

I think

they're being pursued by a couple of zombies, I think, but very slow-moving, rambling zombies.

That's it.

For those who don't know, just listening, I don't know whether it's an international hit, but it's a hit book.

So they had financial problems, and the husband has a really bad illness of some kind that doctors can't help with.

And they've run out of money because they've helped a friend with their business by giving them loads of their money.

Yeah.

It's real hero of your own story stuff.

It's hero of your own story stuff.

And then they go off

on a mega hike.

They go off on a mega hike.

Oh, but I think the way it's presented, I believe, I've heard Technan, is that it's like she says to him one day, you know, they're struggling

what they're going to do.

The situation is terrible.

And she says to him,

let's go for a walk sort of thing.

Or like to think about it.

And they just go for a walk and they don't come back.

Until they've come up with a multi-million pound conspiracy to defraud the British public

with an entirely made up book.

Yeah, so basically it turns out that we should probably say allegedly.

Oh, that's right.

It's all made up.

Or some allegedly made up.

But we've had an email which is pertinent to this conversation.

Oh, yeah.

Certainly all those kind of films.

Gerald emails from northern Germany.

Dear Beans,

advertising in German public transport has recently been dominated by a book, which I can only imagine is going to be one hell of a Grisham.

Please find attached to the poster.

It's a book by someone called Nadia Pantel.

Ooh.

And it's called Mike

Das Camembert Diagram.

The Camembert diagram.

Oh, that's good.

Now that's a film I want to watch.

I like the sound of that.

Do we know what it's about?

Oh, maybe it means like a,

what we call a pie chart, maybe is called a camembert diagram.

A camembert diagram.

In French, maybe?

That's quite fun, isn't it?

My advice with camembert is you have to eat the whole camembert or none of it because as soon as you've opened it, it's going to stink out your life.

And that's that's coming from a guy that had a person do a shit in an unplumbed bowl

in his room.

Mike, you were saying the people in salt path, it's that thing of the hero writing their own story,

but not everyone self-aggrandizes themselves in the stories they tell.

And actually, maybe it takes a certain kind of bravery and a certain kind of unsung heroism to write the book that I'm writing at the moment, which is called Turd Bowl.

Yeah.

The story of a guy who

he was young, it was the 90s.

He was listening to a lot of oasis,

made maybe a small mistake, and was punished for it

by

one of his friends, by one of his friends that he had lunch with the other day.

So, you know, maybe I should be admired in a way for that.

But so, so, so none of us are like proper hikers because some people, Mike, you must know proper hikers, do you?

Who like like get the maps out and do the navigation and all that kind of stuff?

I do know some very outdoorsy types, but the outdoorsy types in my neck of the woods, they'll usually be cyclists rather than ramblers or hikers,

or they're water sportists.

Right, yeah.

And then, but I mean, there is a strong tradition, well, throughout the UK, but definitely in Devon, of like things like Duke of Edinburgh and the Ten Tours

walk where, you know, particularly in the spring and summer,

hordes of children are

emptied into Dartmoor,

given a map and a compass and wish the best of luck.

And, you know, some of them return.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I mean, I will, Pam and I will occasionally, on a, you know, on a quiet day, we'll go off somewhere a bit more interesting for a bit of a

bit of a wonder, but I wouldn't call it a hike.

I think you are a hiker, Mike.

You just don't know it.

Is it?

Yeah.

And sometimes the hiker that doesn't want to be a hiker is the hiker that we need.

Mike, you are head of the British Hiking Association as of now.

Put on a rucksack and

you can't take it off until you die or are killed by a hiker who challenges your role.

So everything you now eat has to be nuts or seeds.

You have to wear waterproof, breathable clothing.

You can have Kendall mint cake on special occasions.

You can have Kendall mint cake on special occasions.

The Pam Path by Mike Wozniak.

The Pam Path.

There we go.

I tell you what, I do do my 10,000 steps.

I've started to get into that.

Do you?

Yeah.

It's quite a long way.

It is elongated, longer than it should be.

Yeah,

I don't think it is.

I think it isn't sort of that far.

Maybe that's because you've got a different sense of scale, Mike.

There's also, I've turned that off.

I find it, I did that for a while.

I've turned it off my telephone now because I found I was looking at it too much.

It's too

intrusive.

So you don't think it's that far, Mike?

So how often are you smashing 10K every day?

Yeah,

10,000 steps.

Yeah.

Yeah, easily every day, but that's, I mean, that's probably dog-based, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, because you're counting her steps as well, and she's got four legs.

exactly that's six sets of steps you're counting

i don't think it is that far oh i very rarely do it mike i very rarely do yeah but if you're also you're living in let's be frank a an empty barren wasteland yes

aren't you i mean simply to get a bucket of water to get a bucket of water or clotz of cream or clot cream and everything is hog trading so you need to well you need to set off to market with to catch the hog you need to catch the hogs.

You need to find a wallet big enough to put hogs into,

which is hard.

And you have to also you have to keep the hogs in order.

Yeah, you have to hope that you pass another hiker that's interested in buying the hog in the first place.

You know, that's just potluck.

So Henry, are you doing 10K as well now?

10K steps?

I am doing 10K steps.

So what happened was I started...

So

I would occasionally walk 10,000 steps, but I think in London that is essentially further than it is in Exeter because it just is.

Because

there's so many obstacles you've got to get round, you know.

Oh, Serena McAllen.

Oh, do you know what I mean?

But that means you're walking further, isn't it?

Yeah.

No, but it's just, it's about spatial.

I'm just going direct to the hog.

Yeah, I'm in a straight line.

Every journey I take is in a straight line.

Between two points.

But the other thing is, I'm a Londoner, so I'm thinking fast, and I've got so many ideas going around in my head.

It just makes...

Everything's divided up into more steps, more thoughts.

I'm passing more bollards.

I mean, there's only one bollard in in Devon, isn't there?

There's the bollard.

The memorial bollard.

The central memorial bollard in the middle of Devon, isn't there?

Yeah, covered in sort of pagan, well, pagan fallacies, isn't it?

Pictures of

pagan fallacies made of seashells.

So if you measure things by bollard or by monument, not monument, but by landmark.

So I have to walk.

So to get, to walk 100 meters, I have to walk past a tree, a bollard, Tim Rice.

Tim Rice,

Three Rymans.

And, you know, 15 people on line bikes.

I have to go past all these different things.

Whereas Mike to walk 100 meters, Mike doesn't have to walk past anything.

Just some, well, probably an expanse of infertile mud.

But we're not talking about distance.

We're talking about steps.

Well, no, the steps are the same.

But basically, I'm having to mentally process more things.

So it's more taxing.

It's more taxing.

It's mentally taxing.

Whereas Mike, it's a different pace of life out there.

So Mike will walk 100 metres and you won't have a single thought, will you?

You'll be sensing things like smells and heat patterns from coming off the earth.

I'll just have the basic instinct to survive.

That's the thing.

Yeah, you're a survival instinct, but that just hums away.

Whereas I'll be thinking, I could write a novel about that.

I could write a novel about that.

I could write a novel about that.

It's all very brainstem.

Yeah.

Also, you've got quite a strong sense of what they call those hot air sort of funnels that come out of the earth.

Geezers.

Geezers.

The Devonshire geezers.

One of those could explode on you at any moment.

It's all over.

But you'll have a geezer sense that's thrumming away in the background, which is this is a geezer-free zone.

This is a geezer-free zone.

This is a geezer-free zone.

Pitch and roll, pitch and roll, move, pitch and move, move.

So do you think Mike's brain or brain stem and spine is basically working at the level of a kind of caveman?

Like he's still subconsciously looking for mammoth, things like that?

Yeah.

It's all reflex, really.

Yeah, it's

or maybe like a tortoise that's been dropped off a three-story building.

sort of pace looking for somewhere quiet to

hunker down, yeah, for possibly the last hunker.

We're not sure, yeah.

We'll hunker down and then we'll see if there's a hunkering up when spring comes.

Either that, or I'll happily become the organic mulch from which new grasses, new reeds,

new trees will grow.

Picadonia!

Picadonia!

Okay, time to read your emails.

We've had a version of the email jingle sent in by Lige.

Lige.

Thanks, Lige.

They say, here is a rendition of the email jingle in the style of Delta Blues.

Oh, lovely.

I hope you enjoy.

Yours truly, Lige.

So let's listen to that.

Yeah.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me

just some old shit

when you set an email,

this represents progress

like a robot,

shoe, and a horse.

Give me your hope.

My

beautiful.

Really, really, really, really, really good.

Yeah, that was pretty damn fine, I guess.

Really, really good.

And yeah, lovely whiskey and

Panasonic battery fluid voice as well.

Yes.

That's just right.

Yeah.

That warm huskiness that you just wouldn't have got using Sony battery fluid.

It's not a chance.

Not a chance.

That was fantastic.

I can feel the sweat of the bayou.

I feel like I've got like, yeah, a couple of little alligators down my trousers.

Yeah.

That sort of feeling.

And the sheriff on your back.

Sheriff's on my back.

I've got alligators in my trousers.

And two out of those three are metaphorical.

I don't know which.

Let's find out.

On Henry's metaphorical bayou journey.

We've had an email from Anon

with the subject title Lewed Content Warning.

Uh-oh.

Lewed content warning.

Lewed content content content.

Dear Beans, I write to you with a tale of sexy woe.

I'm interested.

I like that.

I was recently on a lovely date with a lovely lady.

We'd enjoyed a few drinks and some tapas in town and headed back to my place for some sexy fun times.

I mean, it's absolutely the perfect night out for everyone at the moment.

What could possibly go wrong?

What inviting her to sit on a non-plum toilet?

He'd found

while he lectures her about the structure of Greek tragedy.

It's the perfect night.

Things were going great.

Sexy music.

Nice lighting.

I can't do lighting.

You're saying you can do sexy lighting.

Oh, yeah.

Sexy music, nice lighting, the works.

We were right in the middle of things

when a catastrophic tech failure derailed our entire evening indefinitely.

The light on my smart speaker flashed on without prompt.

The music abruptly stopped, and an episode of Three Bean Salad began to play.

I called out to the speaker to turn it off.

It turned it up.

Oh, dear.

I leapt up from the bed toward the speaker, planning to pull out the power cable.

Unfortunately, this sudden exertion caused me to break wind audibly.

Oh, God.

Well, these are the dangers of middle-aged love.

It's a spectacle.

It's quite the thing to stand and watch the wind go out of your sails to the sound of raucous laughter.

My self-confidence has been smash-fucked to buggery.

I think that's probably it for me and sex.

Crumbs.

Sometimes it's time to hang up your gloves, isn't it?

Then we've got lots of emails on the topic of what to do if you find injured animals, and then a lot of emails about various animals largely being executed by park rangers or

euthanized by vets.

We've covered that.

Yeah, it's been a disturbing enough episode.

Yeah, literally over 20 emails about that.

I think, just to boil it down, though, we've had a number of vets sort of say that

they will welcome an injured wild animal.

Okay, it's nice to hear because they have a kind of Hippocratic oath-type thing.

I thought you were going to say a bit a large grinding machine.

Hammer and handle,

which then links up really nicely to the Iceland Mints,

the Iceland Mints Fridge from the business behind them.

And actually, it's one of these great, great cases of

entrepreneurial symbiosis powered by Panasonic.

Because when it's Sony-powered mints, you can actually tell that it's from a bungee.

Because, of course, Panasonic mints is guaranteed beak-free.

So, basically, we've had vets from various jurisdictions around the world.

We've had a lot of Antipodean vets email.

Okay.

Yeah.

But and British runs.

And I think basically they

welcome an injured wild animal because they can do the right thing for it, which usually, sadly, is to euthanize it.

But that is a positive thing because you're stopping their suffering and they're happy to do it.

They'll normally be free.

But yeah, let's draw a line out of that.

We've had so many emails about harrowing animal encounters which have ended up in death.

But hats off to the vets.

Cheers, yeah, cheers vets.

I like that.

Yeah, it's good.

And obviously, they don't enjoy doing it, but I think it's the right thing to do.

So, yes, thank you, vets.

And a fine email from Scott.

Hello, Scott.

From Omaha.

Ooh, wow.

Where's that?

Somewhere in Middle America.

It's the Greece Belt, is it?

It's one of the belts.

It's in Nebraska.

I mean, I'm only singing the Counting Crows song there.

No, what's the song?

Omaha, somewhere in Middle America.

I think it's in Nebraska.

They're actually one-song band, and that's not the song.

It's Mr.

Jones and me.

They're really great proponents of that 90s singing style.

Yeah.

I did, I can't quite do it.

That song, Mr.

Jones and Me, is a brilliant.

It's a good album that, though.

I'm going to have to revisit that album.

I did like that album a lot.

Scott writes, can we get a reference for when you all talk about extreme temperatures when referenced by chance?

Sorry?

Can we get a reference for when you all talk about extreme temperatures when referenced by chance?

Does he mean he wants units?

Is that what he's asking for?

He's asking for like

Celsius or a Fahrenheit or something.

Well, he says, I ask because I'm aware that Britons melt at 26 degrees Celsius.

That's true, yeah.

Yeah.

So it's a little difficult to figure out when you refer to oven baking at Stevie Wonder's concert, whether or not sweating will occur, or you'll have to strip off your wool jumper.

Thanks, boys.

It also depends

what you're doing with the oven.

Are you reheating an old lamb casserole?

Or are you trying to crisp up a feta cheese parcel?

I'm not quite sure what Scott's asking.

Neither am I.

He wants, Scott, I think don't worry about units.

You're never going to get units from this podcast.

I'm sorry, but I mean,

I think try and

enter our shoes.

So whatever temperature is very hot for you, imagine that.

And that's what we're experiencing, even though it might be a different temperature.

What I can't work out is, is he saying, is he getting fused because of fahrenheit or is he saying that in britain we we get hot at lower temperatures yes he is saying that right but we're experiencing the same heat that you experience when you're hot so i think if we give you the units it's not going to help you because we still feel really hot even if you were even if you didn't feel hot at that temperature but yeah because it's relative isn't it we're experiencing feeling hot at a different temperature from what he will but to be honest i think the whole numerical system with temperatures is is not a good system anyway because what does 25 mean it doesn't in terms of i think well it corresponds very exactly to it's very clear yeah i know but it doesn't speak to me emotionally i think the temperature the temperature system should be not numerical but it should be well like four oof

yeah

So it should be sonically evocative.

No, no.

No, okay, no, that's one option, but I think it should be clothes.

What's the temperature?

Shorts and beret.

Okay.

So that means

that's up to you.

What does that correspond to?

Shorts and beret means it's a chilly day, but there's a cross breeze at nipple height, which means you don't have to wear a top necessarily.

And it's a hot day, but with a breeze that...

No, what I mean is it should just be clothes.

If I look at the weather app and it says 32, I don't know what that means.

It should say.

Trousers, flip-flops.

But then that's going to have to be different for different people because you dressed your clothes.

I mean, I run Hotler the New, for example.

There was a gig that we were at not long ago in Bath where Ben and I were in shirt sleeves and you turned up wearing about eight jumpers and a coat and four pairs of trousers.

A puffer down coat.

A puffer balaclava.

Yeah, exactly.

For which probably about 20 airport geese I think had had died, but I think it's a post-retirement scheme thing.

I think the geese sign up to it.

I don't think it was unethical goose.

I think it was ethical goose.

I think it was voluntary goose.

I think it was voluntary goose.

But you take my, you see my point.

See, you're asking the Met Office to do a lot of work because that's going to have to be individually done.

I find the temperature system of

the numerical temperature system, it's so sort of robotic.

It's got nothing to do with the human experience.

You don't go, ooh, 27.

Do you?

You go, ooh, I'm glad I wore a t-shirt or whatever.

so the way I dress is, I go out because basically, I don't know what the temperature means, it's just a meaningless number.

So, I have two systems: one is I look out the window and see what other people are doing.

Obviously, that works in London.

Mike, you look out the window, and you'd probably quite often see a guy with a totally naked, but the beard so long that he's kind of put it between his legs and tied it in some sort of knot around his back and with a large seashell on his head.

The mayor, yes.

But I look out the window, see what other people are doing.

Is it a short today?

Because I don't know what 33 or 27 or 23 means.

I look out the window, see what people are wearing.

Or, but my other system is if there's no one outside, I just wear loads and loads of layers and I self-lasagna myself, and then I can take off layers to microscopically tune myself to the weather by taking them off and putting them back on.

And you leave a sort of come-to-bed trail.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay.

Leave a come-to-bed trail behind me.

We've got a couple of plugs, haven't we?

Oh, yes, please.

Yes.

Yeah, first of which is our dear friend, the comedian and writer and

festival maestro, Henry Whitticomb, has published a comic, which he's written.

And he's got, it's quite an interesting idea.

He's got loads of different people to do the art, which is kind of lush.

And it's called How to Survive an Affair: A Practical Guide.

Issue one is out now.

So it's really lovely to see all kinds of different artists have got involved and which means that there's

you can take a dive into different styles.

Tom Crowney, for example, has

thrown his

brilliant.

I've seen some of the art.

It looks absolutely brilliant.

I've got to say.

It does look amazing.

It's a very exciting development.

Yes,

I'll put a link in the show notes for that if you want to have a look at that.

Second plug is for the kind of almost the fourth bean.

From the OG,

a man called Gareth.

Gareth Gwynne was the man who, because before we started the podcast, obviously we couldn't ask the audience to go to enterthebeammachine.boats and send us themes.

So the first maybe six are themes that were suggested by the shadowy figure known as Gareth Gwynne.

Yes.

He is a shadowy figure.

But he's a comic maestro.

He's a brilliant writer and performer, isn't he?

We're very fond of the man.

And he's, yeah, he's got some live shows coming up.

Camden Fringe, isn't it?

Yeah, he's doing a show at the Camden Fringe, which is called Cyril.

which is about his great-grandfather, I think, who was called Cyril Gwynne, who he sort of found out about, I think, recently, and kind of realized that he was a well-known poet on the Gower in Wales

in the early 20th century.

And kind of he's done this show about his poetry and finding out about it.

And it's already fascinating and really good stuff.

He's brilliant.

It'll be brilliant.

So if you can, go and see it.

Yes, please.

Yes.

And that's on the 28th, 29th, and 30th of July at the Camden Fringe.

There's your plugs.

Bonus plug.

Adam Kaye and I have done a new picture book for children aged three plus.

Nice.

Which is called Simon Gets Sneezed.

Oh, brilliant.

And it's about a mucal journey.

Let's put it on.

Is it out now?

It's out now.

There we go.

Go get.

Go and check it out.

Okay, Patreon time.

We normally play my Patreon jingle.

We've had one sent in from Ben from Tijuana.

He's come up with a sea shanty version of the Patreon jingle.

Here we go.

It's time to pay the ferryman.

La da da da da da da da da da.

Patreon, Patreon, la da da de la

dee.

Patreon dot com

forward slash three bin saleman.

La da da da

So good.

That's brilliant.

That was amazing.

Absolutely brilliant.

That's one of my faves.

Top one.

They have a kind of

slightly Jewish klezmery.

Yeah, yeah, very much so.

And really nice sort of

bass voice in there as well.

Yeah.

That was great.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Brilliant.

This is the last episode of the season, but the fun continues over on Patreon.

So throughout August, there'll be a weekly bonus episode on Patreon.

If you'd like to join up, go to patreon.com forward slash threebean salad.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was last night.

Sure was.

And it was a fun night, wasn't it?

Because it was the everyone has to say the phrase, I should cocoa in a different way night.

Wasn't it?

It was.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was everyone has to say the phrase, I should cocoa in a different way night at the Sean Bean Lounge last night, which was marshalled by a certain Mr.

Rigby of Stockport, who misread the memo and came dressed as Orinoco Flow by Enya, which was unexpectedly effective.

Laurie Gerhardt, Polly Saltmarsh, BSL Jason and Baz Patel all said ushered Coco in the style of a young Jack Nicholson.

Outback Jim W.A., Rosie Dent, Kate Waite and Rupert Exhum said it the way Steph Sampson would say, reach for the sky, this is a stick-up.

Hugo Fowler, Dirt Mott, Maddie and Chris the Bullet Brooks looked in the Shawn Bean mirror and said it backwards in the hope of conjuring the Cocoa Man.

While Hazel C said it upside down, Bethan Ruddock said it on shuffle, and Morgana Mountford Davis said it palindromically.

Rosie Lloyd, Jamie McBride, John Coxon, Bradford Peluso, Daniel Mears, and Luke Opie conjugated the verb to cocoa in the conditional in full and were castigated as show ponies.

John O'Sullivan, Jay Savage, Billy Shears and Maz said I should cocoa from the east balcony of the Sean Bean Consulate in Buenos Aires.

Patrick Schmidt, Miranda Porter, Gillian and Helen said it with menace, prompting Sam B., Theo G., Jane Moschini and Richard to say it to the tune of Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.

Rachel Manzi, Nemo Yakovsky, Strawberry Possum, James Coppers and Jason said said I should cocoa but meant I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

While Ed Garland, Katie Padgett, Baxter Nash, Kate Raven and Luke said I saw a frog but meant I should cocoa.

Matthew Roberts, Mr.

Nicholas, Rosda Youngler, Mary Joy and Lawrence Knott said it so sweetly and smoothly that Sean Bean had it with his strawberries.

Rory Pint Glass McMahon, Ryan Peake, Yanni Niemanen, Digby Barker and Bertie whispered it so softly that Roderick Waterman, Jude Bly, Miles Kerr, Andrew Marlin and Steve, while craning to hear it, all accidentally plummeted off the Sean Bean listening gantry and into the Sean Bean crouton machine.

And thank you to Bonjamin Walker, Livy D and Michael Welch for rustling up a seafood chowder to cover that up.

And Karen MB, Chris Brooks and Emily said it into Piers Taylor until he popped.

Thanks all.

We'll be having all kinds of fun on Patreon this month.

For example, we'll be reviewing the film Wickerman, which is currently viewable on PBC iPlayer.

For those in the UK.

For those in the UK.

There's this Bonjo's House of Pain, where Benjamin makes Mike and I do a sort of a diabolical pub quiz.

And we're going to take a dive.

We're going to take a dive into lore, fairy tales.

Fairy lore.

And we're also going to cast our reviewing eye over Abba Voyage.

Yes.

Which we've seen.

Oh, we've seen it.

Oh, we've seen it.

All right.

And we have got some.

Ow!

Hot to the touch takes!

Yeah.

That's the end of the show.

We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

Please, please.

This is from Paddy.

It's a Hammer Haya version.

Nice.

Well judge.

Thanks, Paddy.

Very good.

Love your stuff.

See you next time.

We'll see you over on Patreon in August.

If not, we'll see you back here on the normal feed in September.

Thank you.

You're so

high.

You're so

high.