Seagulls

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

It's interesting, isn't it?

Because obviously, before we press record, we always there's a pre-chat,

which the listening audience aren't party to.

Well, it's platinum.

That's platinum Patreon, isn't it?

That's a level that's so exclusive.

We don't advertise it, we don't talk about it.

And it doesn't exist.

It doesn't even exist.

What we were talking about was the various pros and cons of the different streaming platforms.

And let me just say, Disney Plus was coming out of it quite well.

Which I don't have.

Which you don't have.

That's true.

I can't keep track of which ones I'm on and off.

I was a big advocate a few years ago for an app.

I've had various app ideas.

Right.

Okay.

But app developers, weirdly, they didn't seem to try to get on the blimmin' blower and give me a call.

Supposedly tech experts

get in touch.

Ring the landline.

Send me a blimmin' postcard if you have to.

But sometimes good ideas are so big and so close to you, you can't actually see them.

Do you know what I mean?

What was your big idea?

Well, my big idea for streamers was some sort of centralized streaming database, it could be called

pack a channel or

An autocratic streaming coup.

That's what I'm talking about.

Bringing it into the Packadonia.

Theocratic.

A theocratic.

Okay.

Teleological.

Unilateral

streamer takeover.

Yeah.

Okay.

By me.

It exists, Henry.

If you go to justwatch.com,

you can see what streamers have got, what programs, and all that kind of stuff.

It's quite useful.

This happens with quite a few of my ideas,

which, in a way, is a huge, huge rubber stamp, which is one of my other ideas.

There came a point where I got trapped in one of those cycles.

This could happen to entrepreneurs where you think, well,

we're not getting enough traction with a huge rubber stamp idea.

Make it bigger.

Let's lean into the core principles, guys.

Why did we all get here together in the first place?

Yeah, it's because we believed in larger than usual rubber stamps.

So let's lean harder.

Rubber stamp that's bigger than A4, just bigger than A4.

A rubber stamp that's chucked with an A3, and it carried on like that.

Yeah?

Henry, can you close the door behind me?

Oh, shit.

When are they going to be finished, this town?

Well, it sounds like you've got lumberjacks.

Yeah, we've got lumberjacks in.

I'll seal the thing.

Okay, cool.

So

I live in a service department.

Yeah.

What that means is I have a service charge, which is quite annoying.

But what that also means is that various contractors have to be constantly working on

justify the service charge.

That's how I see it.

So that's why it's constantly,

I mean, you can see through the windows.

That's how clean they are.

They're constantly

literally like they're not there.

This is like an episode of succession.

You're complaining that you've got too many gardeners.

Yeah.

Got the common touch that people kicking their way through your croquet game.

But like in succession, you think you'd hate the person.

Everything about them, you hate.

Their lifestyle, their choices, the way they speak, the way they dress.

But if you spend long enough with them, there might be one slightly redeeming episode, which is then ruining all of it.

You're then ruining all they do.

But you are rooting for him, aren't you?

Some kind of a weird way, you are.

I think that's because the couple of Dilberts he's up against are absolutely even worse

anyway yeah sorry to take about the dilberts thing that was really really out of line imagine meeting someone and asking them what their favorite streaming service was and they with a straight face said to you prime video

imagine how chilling that would be that would be chilling wouldn't it but it also feels strangely compulsory

amazon but it isn't well that's but the thing is they they but they hook you in with the next day's delivery on the amazon on the amazon main produce don't they

because you do do get main produce.

But even that feels aware, doesn't it?

Getting produce on Amazon.

I still refuse to buy groceries.

That's a bridge too far for me.

I've been to one of those Amazon shops.

Have you been to one of them?

I saw one.

When I was in London last time, I saw one.

I think it's called Amazon Fresh.

But I dare not go in.

I think it's cold or something like that.

Yeah, there's one in Islington.

Yeah.

I sort of felt like I didn't want this to exist.

It felt wrong.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why.

Yeah, well, I've been in one of them, and you go in, and it does feel wrong.

It's as cold and as empty as the tomb.

Imagine a tomb that had loads of fresh broccoli lined up on the walls.

That's what it feels like.

It's a sort of, yeah, grocery store, come tomb, come the future.

But you go in and sort of

quite sort of nice Gen Z people are standing around outside going, please come in, don't worry.

It's fine.

This is the future of Veg.

It's a bit like walking past the Scientology shop on Tottencourt Road, which I'm not sure if it's still there, but they used to be, did you ever walk past the Scientology shop?

I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, I think it still is there, Yeah, please come in.

It's fine.

They're asking you to go inside and have a stress test.

Yeah.

Go and have a stress test, get some Dianetics done.

Yes, veg doesn't feel like it needs a future.

Necessarily.

Exactly.

Veg is one area where we can all agree it was better in the past.

And with

small sea veg conservatives, aren't we?

Three being salad.

I think so, yeah.

Ben, do you agree with that?

I agree.

I like.

I sometimes still go to a sort of grocer where everything's in a brown paper bag and it's all very nice.

yeah yeah i say to the man what have you got in today

he says oh i've got some lovely strawberries and it's all bollocks it's all the same strawberries as last time but it gives it it gives it that spin doesn't it yeah

does it give the the brown paper bag a little twist as well yeah he can do it so fast you can barely see what he's doing yeah lovely stuff yeah so yeah the amazing it's a weird it's also it's also so it's one where you walk around you put the stuff in your basket

there's no it was that thing where there's no humans except for all the humans telling you how to do it.

Yeah.

A bit like self-checkout.

But that's because they're having to push us as a society into the next level, right?

Yeah.

So we don't, we don't know how to do it yet.

But there are still baskets.

There are still baskets.

Yeah, we haven't got baskets.

No, no, I thought the fruit and veg would be sort of floating around you

in a sort of halo.

In an amniotic fluid.

Yeah.

Welcome.

It's just a standard grocery store.

Just put on these little speedos we have for you.

You can close it in the locker and just

don't breathe in.

Don't for the love of God breathe in until you've plugged this into your spine.

Welcome to the rhubarb zone.

Yeah, there's something about like there's too many things under the same brand umbrella, I'm going to say, from a branding perspective with Amazon.

Yeah.

Because when you get your branding people together, right?

When you create the brand

for a brand.

Okay.

I'm talking about brand branding.

Marketing Masterclass.

A view from the marketeer's chair.

Posters.

Duping the public.

Buzzwords.

Content marketing funnel.

The sides of double-decker buses.

But what are the optics on that?

Word of mouth.

Zeitgeist.

Free toy inside.

A view from the marketeer's chair.

With Henry Packer.

I said we needed free stickers or big foam hands, but not both.

But I was wrong.

What matters is core belief.

Why did we- why are we here today?

We're here because we thought rubber stamps could be bigger, but they're not.

Why?

That was a burning question we all had.

Can you make a rubber stamp that is so big it's bigger than the piece of paper it's stamping on?

That takes away your stress that you might not be getting

good stamp coverage.

Good stamp coverage.

From the point of view of the paper or the stamp?

That's something for our

advanced marketing team to discuss.

That's got to be trialed.

That's got to be trialed by IRL focus groups, I think.

Yeah.

Because is the action about being stamping or being stamped?

Again, that's something we're going to work through.

We've got focus groups looking at that right now.

The trouble is, we invented a stamp that's just bigger than A4, but we realized it's also just small.

Well, it's quite a lot smaller than A3.

That's how we find ourselves here today.

What was the question again?

Slash topic area?

Topic area is generally the future.

Branding.

So, no, so, so, sorry, I was going to say, brand, the Amazon brand umbrella.

I just find it really odd.

Yeah, it's just odd.

It's inherently odd, isn't it?

You're buying, that you're buying books.

You're buying DVDs.

i'm not

but what what else do you buy on amazon what the makes everything i can't buy books on amazon i can't do it but i'm sort of sick of it and this venice thing oh yeah this venice thing is so foul have you not come across this he's he's basically it's happening as we speak is he's he's booked out venice for his wedding the whole of venice he's trying to he's basically booked all of the luxury hotels right and he has literally booked all of the gondolas So even if you, even if you were able to stay in a hotel that he's got no interest in in Venice, there's almost no point in going there because it's swarming with his security and the gondolas are booked up.

But I really hope that just like, you know, a couple from Birmingham celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary somehow get through all of this.

It was just an accidental double booking.

Exactly.

Exactly, Clara.

So you've got Jeff Bezos' wedding, the entire of Venice all booked out, and then just a couple called Roy and Angie.

And

he has to be sat next to them at the reception.

There's nothing he can do without.

He'd have to sort of unpick hundreds of of years of Venetian law.

He's got to listen to Roy's brother's best man speech.

He's got to.

He's just going to go through it.

And Derek is so nervous about it.

He's so nervous about it.

It's the last thing he wanted for this to be streamed across the world.

And also, that speech is going to be absolutely right because it's Roy and Angie.

It's their third marriage.

It's their third marriage to each other.

Isn't it?

So it's really going to...

And the best man speech is absolute filth.

by this time, yeah, because by this time, he's used up all his clean material the first two times.

He's also, Andrew's going to be leaning hard on the fact that there are more canals in Birmingham than there are in Venice.

That's her fact that she's firing up like a howitzer.

That's her chat gambit, isn't it?

Exactly.

She's trying that on everyone.

Bezos.

She's wearing a there are more canals in Birmingham than there are in Venice Tiara.

He's brought a jug of canal water, hasn't he?

Of Birmingham canal water

that he plans to pour all over his own head, doesn't he?

During the father of the bride speech,

and it's absolutely ruining it for Bezos.

But see, the one thing he can't buy is the absence of Roy and Angie.

Roy and Angie.

Roy and Angie.

It's the only thing you can't get on Amazon.

You can't get it.

There isn't even a section for it.

There's nothing you can do, Bezos.

Look at how wide your bloody brand umbrella is.

Roy and Angie are free.

But again, again, it brings us back to branding, isn't it?

Which is so crucial and important in today's world.

And I want to go back to the point I was making earlier about Amazon's branding.

I find it confusing.

It is confusing.

I'm sure this has been observed by lots of people that I'm buying charger cables and mints.

Do you see what I mean?

Potentially in the same drop-off, same branding.

How can one branding idea...

Because branding is about ideas.

It's about ideas and emotions.

How do you feel when you're rubber stamping?

You feel powerful.

How do you feel if your rubber stamp is bigger than a piece of paper?

You feel powerful, and also you're worried about maybe staining your desk.

That was one of the teething problems we had.

But that's why we came up with the idea of

the desk doilies.

So

each change of diagnormalist rubber stamp comes with a compensatory desk doily, which is slightly bigger than A4, or slightly bigger than A5.

But they've been sticking to the stamps a bit, so there's a bit of a.

We have to recall all of them.

To recall all of them.

And please, they don't work as actual doilies, for the love of God.

Oh, don't put them near a cake because they are made of asbestos.

And it is the asbestos of the best os.

It's particularly prone to atomizing.

We're putting the ass and the best in asbestos.

Because, yeah, how can the same emotion, how can you feel the same about mints

and about charger cables?

For American listeners, Henry is talking about ground beef.

Uh-oh.

Time for an explainer for non-British listeners.

Get ready for serious international exchange.

We are one on this planet.

We call them trousers.

Just to

round off, I haven't yet got to discuss the app idea I had slash streamer thing because as usual, I was shouted down by Ben

and I was stomped over by Mike in a classic shout-and-stomp.

Listeners will be very very familiar with the shout and stomp.

Ben starts the shouting, Mike does the stomping and yet another business idea turns to dust and is exploited by other people often previously to me having the idea, it turns out

I've all been established that the idea already exists.

Well no but that's because you because you didn't allow the flower of my ideas.

How many broken buds lie scattered across the floors of my imagination Because they were shouted and stomped on my YouTube before it got to flower.

Please go ahead and spread the manure onto those buds, Henry.

It's been your time.

My idea was basically a sort of database slash app slash user interface module.

And I haven't got a tech team yet, but the tech bods will definitely be able to work out how to make one of those.

Does it come with its own holster?

First question.

It comes with the holster or scabbard, depending on whether you go for the contemporary or medieval finish.

And also comes with a very, very sexy quiver option.

Well, that's something we're working on.

Anyway, so

it's

so the idea is, as you get recommended series to watch, for example, have you heard of The Sopranos?

Someone tells you that.

You write it down

in the accompanying leather-bound notebook.

And quill or Byro, depending if you've gone for the medieval finish.

And that leather-bound book is embossed with two random initials.

And they are guaranteed random.

So people recommend you things and you remember, oh, I want to watch that show, I want to watch this show.

You write it down in the module database system.

That compendiumizes the information,

scatters it, recombines it,

digitizes it, undigitizes it, it, turns it into ones and zeros,

sends it around the world and back again.

But basically then what the system does is it essentially manages your subscription services for you.

So I will need your bank detail because

it's another idea where I need the bank details.

Hang on, but the algorithm isn't based on what you like, but what other people are trying to recommend to you.

Well, depending on how much the streamers want to pay me for a bespoke interface into the other side of the module that's right

i control recommendations i become the recommendation king

and then subscribers pay me to recommend their stuff to people that's subscribing to me and then i can then interface the two modules directly via the bank accounts which means you're subscribing back to streamers you're already subscribing to but i now take a fee

i'm in

You write down things that you want to watch.

And that could be recommendations for people or whatever.

Generally, it is, isn't it?

You can't just come up with the idea of EastEnders yourself and decide you want to watch it.

Someone has to tell you about EastEnders.

No, but can you not come up with the idea that you want to watch a historical documentary?

Stop stomping.

Get your feet under the desk for two seconds here.

The main thing is that it curates your...

your streamers' subscriptions for you.

So it knows that you want to watch this, this, and this show.

So it goes, right, you're on Amazon now.

And then after you finish watching them, you put it in, you put in the data, and it monitors your data.

So again,

there is a CC TV element.

That goes through to a van outside your house with Tim sitting in it.

Scott, they simply write down what you've been doing.

It requires a three-man team to staff it 24 hours.

Yeah, and a lot of those guys are ex-CIA.

They are the best in their buddy business.

They are violent.

They get angry with you.

There's a reason they had to leave.

They've got great conversational Spanish, so it's useful if you want to watch foreign stuff.

So essentially, the camera's mounted behind you.

That's watching what you're watching.

So essentially, we're watching you watching in real time.

Which is maybe a nice thing to put on the posters, which we put up in your house overnight, the day after you subscribe.

You'll wake up and there'll be you watching what you're watching posters all around your house.

But essentially, it would kind of go right.

So

stop being a member of Netflix and Amazon will get you on to

what the other one.

Now TV.

Now TV.

Then once you've watched the things you want to watch on that, it goes right now.

We're switching over to Netflix.

It could maximize your subscription.

I think it's actually quite a good idea.

Ben's nodding.

He's trying not to, but he literally can't stop himself.

His lower spine is agreeing with me.

He's doing everything he can to secure his head.

Something in my deep primate brain is agreeing with you.

But there's definitely something in my frontal cortex which is saying, no, this is a bad idea.

Yeah.

It's causing a lot of internal problems.

Follow the primate, Ben.

Always follow the primate.

Okay.

But Betty, what do you think?

What do you reckon?

There's something in that?

Could you also include Henry things like National Trust membership?

Well, that actually comes as free.

Okay.

You finished watching the Sopranos, it's time to go to Chatsworth House.

Yeah,

is it that kind of level of that sort of thing?

Yeah, so really manage things.

And also,

haven't bought any mints for a while.

I'll remind you because you can buy mints through it as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

But you've got, presumably, you've got the patent for the code for all this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the code is actually

at the moment password 123.

You can cut this out, Brennan.

Don't let this go through.

But that's something I'll get a team of people to work on.

Do you have to crackable?

Do you have to feed the CIA operatives who are living outside your house in a van?

Or are they like self-feeding?

Presumably, you tell them to bring their own lunch.

Essentially, I've got them to subscribe to the mints part of the deal.

So they're getting free mints,

which gets poured through the back of the van every hour on the hour.

Hot-cooked mints delivered by drone.

Straight to your hot van.

And yeah, so that, so that's that idea.

Well, I wish you all the best with it, Henry.

Yeah, good luck.

Thanks very much.

And maybe we'll call it, I think, Packer app.

Or Pap?

Pap.

Yeah, Pap.

P-A-double P.

Yeah.

Just Pap it.

Pap it.

Just Pap it.

Want mints?

Pap it.

Want surprise.

Pap it.

Don't want mints.

Sorry.

You're getting mints.

Okay, let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

The beam machine

a shame machine.

This week's topic, as sent in by Dr.

G.

It's not Grubenheimer himself, is it?

Anyway, Dr.

G, hopefully not an old chemistry teacher from my school, sends in seagulls.

Oh.

The noble beast of the sky.

Well, you're Mike, you're very much.

Well, both of you, actually, you both live in coastal areas, I believe, don't you?

Yes, we're very much seagulls rather than pigeons and this thing.

Yes, you're front line.

They're the airborne pest,

aggressive nuisance.

Very much the sort of

attitude of a coked-up doorman from a dodgy nightclub, I'd say,

with a very strong beak.

And they are bigger than you think.

They are bigger than you think.

Yeah.

Don't be confused.

Yeah, yeah.

Even if you've seen one within the last couple of hours, the next one is still.

Somehow you remember it being smaller than it was and then it was, but it is bigger.

Yeah, the thing I find interesting about seagulls is all animals on Earth I have been led to believe, and again, I'm ringing my old bell that I don't think evolution is real,

which I do believe evolution is real, but I keep

coming up against things which make me think, no.

Yeah, and the classic one, which I've mentioned on the podcast before, is of course lemon theory, which is if evolution was real, how could it naturally have evolved that it was a fruit

which was a lemon, which was

which was essentially exactly the right size for the human hand to squish.

You squish it.

It doesn't provide a food.

It provides an excellent accompaniment to seafood.

And it looks like no,

the branding theme, but no branding team could have come up with a better look for a fruit.

It's fresh.

It's dynamic.

It's waterproof.

Waterproof.

It's got two little knobs on each end.

It's symmetrical.

You can drop it on the way back from the supermarket.

It's not going to be completely mushed.

If you're going downhill, you can roll it home.

Unpredictably, but

it will be.

Well, the little knobs make it slightly more predictable than an orange or the other way around.

Ben?

It's so good that even if you buy it in a bottle, the bottle's in the shape of a lemon.

They couldn't improve on it.

It's the best marketers in the world.

It makes a great free liqueur.

to be offered at the end of a meal on holiday in Italy, doesn't it?

When fermented inside a cello.

So, how does this prove that evolution is not real?

Oh, just because it's too perfect.

It's too perfect.

It's exactly what we needed.

Intelligent design.

The other one is strawberries, by the way.

Yes.

Which we have talked about before.

So, where does intelligent design come in with seagulls, or is it a different angle?

So, my feeling on this is

oh, by the way, the reason I started thinking about evolution again this week is because I went to a restaurant on the weekend and I ate a place.

And again, I thought there must have been a halfway house where the eye was halfway round and not all the way round.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dragging his eye along the floor.

Yeah.

And at the same time, we were squishing delightful lemon out of essentially the perfect canister for a lemon.

The lemon skin of a lemon.

The greatest canister mines on earth couldn't have come up with a better canister for lemon juice than a lemon.

So, so the way place

works is,

yes, I remember that when we were taught evolution, the eyeball migrated.

Yeah, bollocks.

Are you on glue, mate?

So the eyeball migrated?

Well, it's a very problematic way of putting it, is it?

Because most children will then imagine that that happened to a place at some point.

Well, no, but it's more that it happened over millions of years.

So for millions of years, there was just some where the eye wasn't quite far enough round that it made any difference.

But you can't imagine that.

So

the kid will have inevitably imagined that there was, you know, some fish to whom that happened, you know.

in the middle of a quiet Wednesday.

But those individual cases matter because also we're led to believe that, so we all started off flat.

So it turns out, just now it turns out our eyes have migrated just round to the extent where they're perfectly round.

Well, they're still going, aren't they?

Well,

ours are migrating towards the middle.

Which means we'll look increasingly cross-eyed.

The eyes will then have to decide whether to migrate around each other or one on top of the other.

Yeah, across the sort of Alps.

It's a bit like Hannibal's elephants over the Alps, isn't it?

Or do they fight it out?

Do they duke it out?

Do they bounce back?

Do they bounce back?

back?

In which case, they're going to have the same problem around the back of the head in three billion years, mate.

Same problem.

So, also, we're led to believe that the fish were flat.

Well, this is what happened to our nostrils, of course, because originally we had nostrils on the sides of our heads, didn't we?

And they

met in the middle.

Yeah.

And the nose was actually a dorsal fin.

Wasn't it?

We'd use when swimming,

when doing backstroke.

And then the nostrils met the nose.

They decided, do we climb over the nose?

Do we duke it out?

Or do we become part of the nose?

And actually actually breathing through the nose which when you think about it it's completely unnecessary because you can breathe very fine totally fine through your mouth is actually a bonus feature isn't it yeah that's why nostrils won the first ever nobel police prize

also this weekend i saw some endangered animals so i saw a wolverine for example lovely at the bristol zoo project really good fun not delivered to you free on amazon

is a wolverine a wolf No, it's its own thing.

Smaller than a wolf.

It's like an angry badger.

Yeah.

Even more angry than a normal badger.

Yeah, they look really scary.

Oh, yeah.

They do have the little claws that Wolverine's got.

The Marvel character.

They've got those claws.

But which came first?

Anyway, they lived in Britain 8,000 years ago.

Right.

And then died out, I think, because of deforestation, basically.

There's not enough forest for them to live in.

Whereas seagulls,

we've destroyed their habitat.

probably,

but they found a new one and it's bins.

Yes.

And it's just luck that, evolutionary speaking, they've like adapted to whatever they've actually adapted to, which I think must be living on a cliff.

But for something about that, it means they're also fine at living in a bin.

Yes, but I guess also they don't make really good hats as well.

I bet you back in the day, 8,000 years ago, there are probably a few people knocking a,

some beaker people wearing a, or whoever came before them wearing pretty snazzy wolverine hats.

Exactly.

And also, and by the same token, you're not going to get Hugh Jackman biting off anyone's arm to do an audition for a superhero called the Seagull.

Where a beak grows out of his face when he's cross.

He starts stealing people's chips

until they give up their evil plans.

It's a kind of like the hulk, but the only thing is that the beak comes out.

I'm getting really, really angry.

And he flies out of the room and looks for chips.

And he takes a crap on someone, but it's just not the villain.

completely round every cap on.

Because you can't control it.

You can't control it.

But last time it was the DOP.

Henry, we let it go by, but Mike did mention that he thought there were people living in Britain before the Beaker people, and that is heresy in the world of Ecadonia.

Replay.

Some Beaker people wearing a or whoever came before them

in hearts.

came before them

beaker treason, beaker heresy,

because my religion, it's my idea that

Britain needs to revert to its beaker heritage, to its beaker truth.

The best theory we've got at the moment was a huge golden beaker was coughed up by a crocodile who lived in the sky.

Yeah, and Britain dripped out of it.

Please do not suggest that there are people here before.

So unless you can trace your origins back to that original golden beaker dripping,

get out, get out.

So what's your point exactly, Ben, to do with the bins and evolution and seagulls?

I think it's that, I don't know,

animals are adapted to their environments over millions of years of small changes, which means they're perfect for their environment.

And then most of them, if you destroy that environment, they can't live anywhere because they were adapted to a very specific thing.

And we have, I assume, sort of ruined the seagull's natural habitat.

Yeah.

But

they have been able to adapt to live in what we've made.

Whereas the wolverine has not.

I suppose the question is: who are they stealing chips off

for us?

Is that what you're asking?

No, I'm not asking any question.

I'm just saying.

It's lucky for them that it turns out that the same skills you need living on a cliff edge are the same as living in a town centre somehow.

But, I mean, nature always, never fails to, certainly sometimes surprise and delight with its capacity for adaptation or extinction.

It's normal extinction, isn't it?

It will sometimes always go.

After Bristol Zoo project, where I went, lots of good animals were all really good fun.

Is this the re the

relocated one?

Yeah, so Bristol Zoo was in the centre of Bristol and they've moved everything out to like a nicer kind of more space.

And they call it the project now, do they?

It's called the project.

That makes it sound like a band from the 90s from Bristol.

It sounds really good, yeah.

Yeah, the Bristol Zoo Project.

The sort of band I would pretend to be into.

They do some really sort of dark, dark beats.

Yeah, yeah.

But there was a bit where I went to see the Red Panda, obviously, because it's absolute box office.

Yeah.

And went to the talk about the Red Panda.

And basically, what was very clear, I didn't realize this.

Red Pandas are from the Himalayas.

They're covered in lovely red fur because it's freezing there all the time.

And when I went to Bristol Zoo Project, it was 33 degrees, Santa Claus.

And the Red Panda was looking very, very peaky.

Yeah.

Like it was walking across this gantry thing and it had to stop halfway just to pant.

Oh my god, so it could keep going.

Then it climbed up a tree and then just lay on the tree branch looking absolutely fucked.

Yeah.

And basically, the guy was giving the talk to all the kids, whatever, and he's like, well, he's a little bit warm today because he's from the Himalayas, but he's not used to this kind of heat.

Anyway, that's why he's lying there, but he's just a little bit warm.

I bet he'd like an ice cream, wouldn't he?

And all the kids are like,

and then they didn't force him to eat an ice cream, did they?

Eat this funny foot.

Throw Anica Boka Glory up at the tree.

Do you think British zoos should just be British animals?

Pigeon World.

Welcome to the Sea Girl Valley.

Mule Topia.

Welcome to the Shrew Kingdom.

Your children will never forget Donkorama.

It's the first completely 360 degrees donkey experience.

I'm fairly sure the donkeys aren't native to Britain.

It's too late.

We've magnetized their hooves so they can walk around

the ceiling of the what used to be a planetarium is now a donkanarium.

Tragedy today in the Donkey Arama in the West Country as the demagnetized ceiling of the donkeyarium caused 14 donkeys to fall onto a troop of school children from the West Midlands.

Reducing both the donkeys and the children to mints.

Available on Pap.

So I want to get back to this place

and its eyes.

Yeah.

So is the idea was the idea that a place...

So is it evolving to be the right way around?

Or is it evolving or is it has it reached?

It's currently in a period of readjustment.

Okay,

where is it going?

To crab.

Well, no, we're all going to crab.

We know that.

No, it's got the eyes at the front because there's some planned evolutionary refurbishment work going on on its back.

Okay, so

it's getting the eyes out of the way.

Okay, so, and we do appreciate your patience at this time.

That's what they always say, isn't it now?

We really appreciate the patients at this time.

And the back will be reopened in four million years.

Yeah.

So they started off as normal fish.

Then

one because one of the eyes.

I think the way evolution has to work is one of the eyes started moving.

One of them was born with an eye a bit higher up.

And that, for some reason, was found sexy.

It reproduced more.

Well, that's supposedly, yeah, conferred an advantage on it.

But I just don't believe that to be true because until it's the other side.

Until it's the other side, what advantage is it giving you?

Yeah.

I can't wait.

I can't wait for the bollockings we're going to get.

Please do include your footnotes if you are sending one in.

Thank you.

Maybe it's the yeah, maybe plays are just very faddy.

Maybe it's all thrill of the new kid in town.

So just to give a quick explainer on evolution and

the problems with it as a theory, the eyeball, that's one that's often referred to, isn't it, by people that are skeptical

of evolution is the eyeball.

Because how is an eyeball?

It's a neat bit of kit.

It's a neat, lovely little bit of kit.

It'd be a great present for a dad.

Yeah.

Wouldn't it?

Great Christmas present.

Yeah, yeah.

You can see with it.

You can't see underwater.

Well, you can, you can sort of see underwater with it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can see underwater.

It's face-mounted.

It comes in a range of colours.

Are you saying then that it's the kind of thing that Sony would have been involved in?

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Rather than millions of years of

natural progression.

No, but I think because people people say, you know, like until it's because it's such a complicated, it's such a complicated bit of kit, that until it's actually working, how is that useful?

How is it meaning you reproduce more?

Because imagine when we didn't have eyes, well, once we had eyes, but you couldn't see through them yet,

they were just wet globules on the front of your face.

So

are we supposed to believe it?

It was be like, oh,

you know, oh, Samantha, oh, have you seen Dave?

He's got these wet globules on it.

No,

I haven't seen anything.

Have you felt Dave?

Have you felt Dave's globules?

He's got these wet globules.

Oh, oh, he has got nice wet globules.

Have a feel of them with your solitary suction-based finger.

Yeah, have a feel of them first.

Use your tendrils.

Easy suction tendrils, which you also smell through and sense vibration.

And shit through.

Yeah, through, if we're being honest.

It's basically a kind of universal coaca.

It's a proto-coacca, yeah.

It's a proto-coaca.

And then you do have a shag, and then you wake up the next morning, actually, suddenly you can see, and it's like, oh, bloody hell.

Yeah.

So vision was a sexually transmitted infection.

Is that what you're saying?

It could be.

Yeah.

Well, there's lots of theories, aren't there?

I suppose what I'm saying is...

Always use protection.

Always, always use protection.

I think it was probably debate that opened their eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Difficult ideas.

I think the thing with eyes would be like if you just had like a few cells that could sense a bit of light or something, that would slightly help you avoid being eaten by a crab or whatever.

Work out if you're going deeper into the cave or out of the cave.

Yeah.

And that would help you have more chance of reproducing or whatever.

But even then, it feels so far-fetched that you would just sort of by mistake have some cells that also had a nerve that went into your brain or whatever.

Do you know what I mean?

But I think the ingredient that you're lacking, Ben, which needs to be sprinkled onto the theory of evolution for you to understand it properly,

is time.

So much time, Ben.

So much time.

So many little organisms bumping into a cave, falling off.

Yeah.

Time and the intervention of an extraterrestrial super species.

Yeah, that's the other.

Sorry, that's the other.

That's the other factor.

The quadons.

So did I not mention the quadons?

Sorry, sorry, you should.

Yeah, the quadons.

Yeah, yeah.

They're from the gaspatroid system.

They're actually from gaspatroid 9.

I think the quadons that came to Earth.

Because it is worth, with Darwin's work, especially, reading beyond the origin of species.

Well, so it was worth reading

his subsequent book.

Meeting the Quadons.

meeting the quadons meeting the quadons me and mr and mrs quardon yeah

and it really it dots the i's and crosses the t's doesn't it from any any any sort of yeah from the first book doesn't it but that voyage because that was the voyage he made on the um the beagle the beagle 2 yeah was literally a space ship wasn't it well it was gifted to him by the quadons yeah it was gifted to him by the quadons the sails are flat so you go up

it's basically the same principles

he breathed through a squid, essentially.

You can, you can, it was a kind of proto-aclong, wasn't it?

Squids breathe underwater, but as long as you keep the squid wet, it's effectively underwater.

So, if the squid's breathing, you can breathe through it.

Yeah, as long as you're in a salt water cylinder,

and you are arranged cloak-to-cloaca-that's crucial.

Welcome to the Cloaca zone.

I think what I'm going to say is I obviously do.

I say I believe in evolution, but I don't.

And I think this is where most people are, if they're honest.

I believe in it.

I don't understand it.

Really?

And I think that's...

Even people who claim to understand it, I think, probably don't actually when it gets down to the

criticism.

I believe in...

Yeah, I think that's fine.

I think I'm happy for there to be expertise elsewhere.

I believe in submarines.

I'm really interested in submarines.

I like submarines.

I don't really understand submarines.

I actually, interestingly, I actually don't believe in submarines.

So it shows that there's this room, but I do understand how they would work.

I just don't think anyone's got round to it.

I just don't think they're financially viable.

Can we talk about the elephant in the room?

Go on.

I think Henry's left his window open and some kind of generator making.

I genuinely haven't left my window open, but there is something going on outside.

Okay.

It's very consistent.

I'm going to have to go back to the service department point, which I failed to gain sympathy for earlier.

Yes.

Well, it doesn't sound like anything anyone would have sympathy.

A service.

Yeah.

It sounds like

you're living like a little duke.

My golden cage.

The bars are so shiny.

Sometimes I slip off them and fall and hurt myself on one of my very, very soft cushions

that are plumped for me.

as part of the service package.

When I'm being freshly sequined every morning.

I see service department as not necessarily a good thing at all, because it means there's a service charge.

What was annoying is that you have to pay the service.

You know, most modern flats, it just means you're living in a flat a lot of the time, really.

Most modern flats, you know, private flats are service.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You have to pay the charge.

It makes it sound fancier than it is.

Yeah.

Also, they use the word concierge.

It sounds like there's concierge.

It sounds like there are chauffeurs waiting outside the front doors for you at all times with the engine running.

That's what it sounds like.

Barnaby is more than just a chauffeur.

He's a driver, and he also resets my trousers every morning.

Okay?

But it's this thing of to justify the service charge, they have to be constantly, constantly working on stuff that doesn't need doing.

So like there's a little garden bit in the middle of these flats.

So they replaced all the plants

about six months ago.

Completely unnecessary.

It's just to justify the fact that we have to pay the service charge.

And they put in a whole forest of new plants.

So they're perfectly fine.

They replaced a whole forest of new little mini trees, all of which died of blight.

Some sort of blight happened, which was the plan,

which was exactly because the whole thing went beige.

It was beige and crispy, which is nice if it's a crep,

not so nice if it's a floral feature.

Are you sure it wasn't autumn that happened?

Yeah,

the annual blight

autumn in September to November.

I mean,

I'm thinking about Crotonia 9, the quad on autumn, which lasts for seven million years each time.

And then a fortnight for summer and back into spring.

Ain't nothing crispier.

So they unnecessarily replanted the whole garden.

All of it went beige and died, and now they're replanting it again.

Oh, my gardeners, they are so numerous.

I'm playing the world's smallest stradosarius

it's not like a fresh apartment it's just an apartment with a service charge i i know that henry but it's coming across like

you're an absolute little prince i'm gonna have to discuss this with claude later when he does my toes

so if if you're still hearing that noise in the background i will be trying to get rid of it in a kind of post-production way but yes okay fine but but there is a noise in the background which ben may have successfully removed

industrial hum it's an industrial hum.

I went down to see what it was,

and literally, there is a man outside cleaning the ground, but he's trying to clean the ground.

You can't clean the ground.

The ground is the ground.

It can't be anything else other than what it is.

You can clean a floor, but you can't clean the ground.

He's got a kind of...

A hot water jet.

He's just standing, literally spraying.

It's like a sort of Sisyphian image of...

It's basically

they've monetized Sisyphus.

That's what they've done.

They've monetized Sisyphus.

He's got a kind of Ghostbuster style sort of pack on his back.

Oh, so he's having a good time then.

So Lisa's having some fun with it.

Yeah, that's great.

Time to read your emails.

Yes, please.

Piers from Bristol has sent us a version of our email jingle.

Oh, great.

Thank you, Piers.

As a long time listener of your pod, I've been struck by the considerable lack of German renditions of your jingles.

Therefore, please find attached my rendition of the email jingle, a neo-Kraftwerkian beer hall rendition

as annoying as it is unnerving.

Oh,

okay, that's a sweet spot.

Yeah,

Oh, good morning, Postmeister.

Yes, that's excellent.

Yeah, really tough work.

The postmaster sounded particularly sinister in that one.

Yeah, yeah.

There's something relentless about that,

which really

sort of brought home something quite severe about mortality, I felt

so it was quite an emotional.

There's a lot going on.

Well, I suppose that jingle generally, there's a lot of sort of you know, death in the interests of renewal, isn't there?

Really?

That's true.

Yeah, yeah.

What's he say?

Mein Wunder.

Mine wundeschoonest fert.

So, what would that mean, my beautiful horse?

We've got an email from Will.

Hello, Will.

Cheers, well.

He's making reference to an email from a couple of weeks ago in which Cath told us about her childhood nickname.

Oh, yeah, Rodeo.

Of Rodeo.

Oh, yeah.

Really good.

He says he's reminded of a similar episode from his own childhood.

Aged eight, my parents are about to send me to an elite boarding prep school in the outskirts of Oxford.

Poor sod.

I'm nervous and intimidated to start a new school and to be sent away from home so young.

My mum sits me down one day and suggests that a way that I could alleviate my worries is if we workshopped a nickname that my soon-to-be classmates can call me to avoid a mean nickname.

You can't second guess the system

works.

You're likely to make it worse.

you're going to make it worse that's like going hello here i am old normal ears

i am normal ears how's it going

yeah i i i i got i got some big ears stuff at school i was just going to say to will i'm sorry your mum that was a bad idea for your mum that was a bad idea for your mum yeah i'm sure she's got other good qualities but she's in that in that moment yeah yeah

Okay, so Will's mum says, why don't you come up with your own nickname?

Yeah.

So at the very least, I've got something in my back pocket in case that classic eight-year-old question of, hey, you, what do you want your nickname to be?

comes up.

Yes.

My name is William.

So we start there.

A few minutes later, my mum and I decide on an inspired mnemonic that I can carry confidently into my new life.

Is this...

He's not the real Will I Am, is he?

This is the origin story for the Black-Eyed Peas.

Because they don't have an Oxford prep school vibe, do they?

But it's interesting.

They really move past that quickly.

It wasn't Will I Am.

His new nickname was to be

Will Scarlet.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Robin Hood's crotchety merry man, in case people are often depicted with two swords.

I've never known what was worse, having a nickname ready to go, or that nickname being Will Scarlett, a merry man.

Needless to say, the opportunity to choose my own nickname never came up.

And given that I was awkward, pale, ginger, freckly, and had a pointy-out ears, my actual nickname at school was Syndrome.

Brackets, the baddie from the Incredibles.

It's just not a nice time all around, isn't it?

No.

No.

I'm sorry, Will.

That's a crazy suggestion.

I mean, the whole idea is crazy, but then to go, Will Scarlett is.

I mean, that's a

it's actually bananas as a nickname.

But also, there's no, there's no lot, you can't apply logic to the bully power dynamic.

No,

because

that's why you get nicknames like you'll go into school one day, drop some crisps on your knee, and they'll just call you Crisp knee.

Yeah, they go, Crisp knee, all right, Crispney, Crispney.

And you go, Look, I just dropped crisps on my knees once doesn't mean I'm Crispney.

Crisp knee, doesn't it?

You know, like it doesn't matter.

It's not, there's no logic you can apply to it.

Have I talked about it on the problem before?

I went, I transferred school.

It's a good bit of good bit of spin on it.

What?

Okay, I was fired.

But

for some reason, I started a new school halfway through the town, whatever.

I got some heat.

I got some big ears stuff.

I told my headmaster about it.

You went straight to the top of the tree.

I went straight to the top.

I went full grass.

I went super grass.

I went super grass.

So I got bullied.

I went, I told the headmaster about it.

I cried in his office.

And the next day at assembly, he asked me to point out the two bullies, which I did.

In front of everyone?

In front of everyone as I remember it.

Oh, my God.

I pointed out the two bullies.

Yeah.

And he gave them both a certificate, said, good job, lads.

This kid does have big ears.

Big ears.

Big ears.

Big ears.

Big ears.

Big ears.

And everyone in the

entire school kicked me in the shins, including the teachers.

But it made me the man I am today.

A man who could only be comfortable in public with his ears completely covered.

That'd be a warning to you.

So what was the aftermath of

them being pointed out in assembly?

I remember pointing them out.

I don't remember any aftermath.

I think it was back in the day where...

It was just the sound of two gunshots and they all got back to work.

Yeah, exactly.

I think my mom just got on with it.

No, I didn't pick up any subsequent heat.

Interesting.

I'd have thought the heat would be fearsome.

Jamesy Mills.

Hello, James.

Now, we've talked a lot about people drilling into their own hands whilst listening to this podcast.

This is in this world.

Maybe redressing the balance somewhat.

I think I may be the first listener to have had my hand drilled into, not by me, but by someone else whilst listening to the podcast.

Oh, hang on, was he listening or was the driller listening?

I have just had a fracture reset and screws put in my little finger whilst listening to your feudalism app.

Okay, great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

Really nice.

Really nice.

What was the cause of his original injury, though?

Was it us?

He doesn't say.

He says the whirring of drills and discussion of the next incision made the thread of your conversation even harder to grasp.

But I am grateful at this time for two great institutions.

One was born out of a moment of national crisis and spearheaded in its early years by a great Welshman and has become a non-negotiable for any decent-hearted taxpayer.

Oh, come on.

The other is the NHS.

Yes, Chris.

Really good.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroots.

Okay, yes, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that.

What?

Hey.

I thought you were trying to say.

Oh, he's gone the other way.

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that...

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So,

what he said before wasn't like, I've got it.

Now he's gone the other way around for there.

Oh, God.

It's the old Switcheroo.

It's a nice switcheroo.

Punchy, hard, hard-hitting.

Yeah.

With more than a little super soft truth about it, actually.

Also describes the podcast as being spearheaded by me, which I do like.

You very rarely come across a complimentary switcheroo.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

And also, Ben, you are also compared to one of your heroes, Agn and Bevan.

Very well done.

Your badge is in the post, James.

Your badge is very much in the post, James.

Mike has emailed.

Hello, Mike.

Henry, you might want to report Mike to the headmaster after this one.

He says, Dear Beans, creating the illustrator's perspective jingle has made Henry talk more about illustration.

Have you considered making a succinct and focused anecdote jingle?

It could save us all a lot of time.

All the best, Mike.

Genuinely, fuck off.

Yeah, you want to see the real Henry?

You just got him.

Oh,

was that too short and succinct for you, maybe?

So I've got two modes.

I'm either waffling on indiscriminately and indefinitely, or I'm cutting straight to the cold, hard truth.

Yeah?

So

careful what you wish for, you fucking dick.

it's very hard to reset him off attack mode

stuck on attack mode for the rest of the pod

sorry but it's just what yeah oh they're gonna have a nightmare in tesco's when you go down there this afternoon aren't they oh it's gonna be horrible uh hannah's emailed hi beans

my dear friend and fellow bean fan matthew has gifted me a cozy xxl t-shirt

for both of my pregnancies

for my most recent baby this was the classic green three bean salad tea very good which has been my constant companion throughout pregnancy and beyond.

Excellent.

It has now taken its place as my favourite piece of postpartum clothing.

As you may know, the immediate postpartum period can be tricky, and the tea has been one of the victims of this chaotic time.

A few days ago, my husband, who does the laundry, informed me that it is now permanently stained with a mixture of breast milk, nipple cream, and my own blood.

Which is actually

the same ingredients as goes into the three-bean moisturizer.

Available on threebean salad.shop.

There'll be one of the beans is blood.

We can't guarantee whose blood it is each time, can we?

Matthew is a man of science and was looking for meaning in the distribution of the stains.

Ah.

Did Mike's moustache get milked?

Is Henry's nose now a nipple cream nightmare?

Is bonjo begrimed with boob blood?

But at this point, there was no discernible pattern.

That all changed the other night when my left boob pissed half a pint of milk all over poor Henry.

Not sure what it all means, but I'll continue to monitor the situation.

My t-shirt is completely ruined, but it remains a special artifact of a rough breastfeeding and postpartum journey.

So thanks.

All the best, Hannah.

This is great.

Yes, do document this stuff carefully, please.

Hannah, because who knows what futures or possible futures may be read?

What wisdoms.

She doesn't mention whether she birthed an onion child herself.

No.

Feels likely, though, doesn't it?

Or whether her child was sired by a quardon king.

We don't know.

Yes.

Little clue that your partner may be a quad on king.

He'll have a bright blue body.

Okay.

They are good at science.

Yeah.

And they are good at science.

They do love to do the laundry.

Yeah.

So

it's coming together.

Something to.

Also, does he do perfectly cubic stools

from his square cloaker?

From his square cloaker.

Because that could be a sign that he's certainly high up in the the quadon sort of aristocracy.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And congratulations on your new baby hand.

Yeah, great.

Congrats.

And if it is semi-quadon,

all the better.

All the better.

It's time

to play the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com

forward slash free bean salad.

A big thank you to everyone who signed up at our Patreon.

Yes, thank you.

It's the place to go if you'd like lots of bonus episodes and ad-free episodes and video episodes.

And if you you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

We certainly do.

And you were there last night, weren't you, Mike?

I was, Benjamin, yes.

And it was a big load off for everyone, wasn't it?

Because it was the Financial Crimes Amnesty.

It was.

Thank you, Benjamin.

And here's my report.

Last night, the Sean Bean Lounge celebrated 15 years of refusing to honor international extradition requests with a financial crimes amnesty.

Having framed his identical twin for his own prodigious embezzlements, Chris Brazier was the only lounger in no need of the amnesty and so was instructed to take out the bins.

The rest lined up in front of Sean Bean, who sat in a throne made of counterfeit 999 Euro notes which had been forged by David Bartley and Sam McKay.

Lara Stevens, Bobby Beanballs, and Sophie Shipman confessed to fixing badminton matches and running a black market gambling den to fundraise for the intelligence and security wing of the Pacadonia movement, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed, and were duly pardoned.

The other Mr.

Jeff, Ian Francis, Plonk, and Nick, that's girl Nick, not boy Nick, admitted to running a scam center from the Burmese Highlands to raise funds for the Pacedonia Political Action Committee, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed.

Vicki West, Ed Rue Joe, Brett Rose and Justice for Malcolm Durridge were relieved to get off their collective chests the fact that they have been bribing media organisations to steer clear of the Pacedonia movement as part of a venture by the Pacedonia Propaganda and Information Control Organ, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed.

The YOLO Man 420, Brian with a Why But Not the How, Stephen Nord, Tom Briglier, Leo Maguire, Ollie May, Banjo Mann, Bradley Gray and The Nose Gannon had all been pinching loose chains from the ashtrays of unlocked cars to raise money for the Pacedonia Home for Fallen Men, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed.

Mikhail Hanowich Hawlitz, Mark Capocci, and Ed Holt had stolen the identities of Benjamin Jones, Torabel and Melina Polanski, who in turn had masqueraded as Rachel Mountain, Mrs.

Average Crabb and James Kelly, in order to evade the VAT on Sean Bean's imported ham and sidestep the sanctions on Nigerian uranium which were bound for the Pacadonia gift shop, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed.

Howie Day claimed Howard Jones as an expense, Sean Deasy had illegally paid for an agricultural levy with the souls of Owen Tanner and James Hannan, Sam Hussein, Bianca San Juan, Isaac Bateman and Liz had fraudulently taken out a life insurance policy on innocence, before claiming this died in 1993 following the release of Black Sunday by Cypress Hill.

Jess Fitch was finding improbable reasons for using salty language and so was duplicitously overfilling the Sean Bean swear jar.

Ghost of Monkey Paws and S.

Whittier were laundering money for a a sale of Jacobite rebels, and Amy Rainbow ran a panda rental company that never delivered a single panda.

All of the above generated income for the Pagadonia Pension and Immortality Infini Hologram Research Fund, the existence of which has never been officially confirmed.

Mass absolution followed, everything that could be shredded was shredded, and there were even miniature tiramasus in edible ranikins.

Thanks all.

Okay, let's finish the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot.

Yes, please.

This is from Megan.

Hello, Megan.

Please find attached a version of your theme in the style of one of those boozy 1970s novelty Christmas song perennials.

Save it for Christmas or play it whenever the sun's out, whichever you find funnier.

Love the pod.

Megan?

Yeah, let's do it.

So here goes most of the summer solstice.

So let's, yeah, let's do it now.

Perfect.

Thanks for listening.

Goodbye.

Thank you, everybody.

Cherokee.