Old Wives' Tales

So I was hoping to try and get something in under Ben's radar.

Well, the first thing Ben said when you, before you could even hear us, before your headphones were on, was Henry's fan's gonna have to turn off.

Yeah.

Because I saw you nattering away like you do.

You like to have a little natter quite often before I join.

It's the best bit of the day.

It's the best bit of the day for everyone, or us as well.

I thought if the fans are already on when I join, Ben might not notice.

A bit like the way no one notices when fridges are on

until they're off.

Or if you live in a rural area, you don't notice the relentless smell of turds.

Exactly.

The body starts to tune it out.

Yeah.

Hog turds.

Cow turds.

Yeah.

Eagle turds.

Jackdaw turds.

Toad turds.

And of course, ramba turds.

Yeah, but it's overpowering

to a city boy like me.

Yeah.

You don't notice it at all.

Yeah, think about it.

So I was hoping that same principle

would come to my aid today with the fan.

But Ben, I think you are someone who does notice fridges being on, which is incredibly unusual.

So you're all...

That's why he has an ice house.

At the back.

That's why he spent six months digging out the earth.

And why he,

for for home meats, it's all salted, isn't it?

Salted meats and

lots of pickles and brines, isn't it?

Turn your fan off, Henry.

The listeners don't notice fridges, Ben.

Only you notice fridges.

All right, fine, I'll turn it off.

He's not happy about it, though, is he?

I'm really not happy about it.

Is that really making a difference to anyone, do you think?

All I can now hear is the horrible aggressive sound of silence, which actually for me is the sound of silence.

Hot, boiling hot silence.

There's nothing worse.

It is very hot in the UK.

Just to give some context, it's hot here at the moment.

It's so hot in the UK.

Well, I could, I mean, I could tell you how it could be worse, if you like.

Yeah.

So, Bob of Bob and Ruth, my next door neighbours, I think he was...

playing with one of his children in the back garden and there was some there was a nest with some little baby birds.

Oh God.

He happened to notice that one of the baby birds had fallen out of the nest and had been half-eaten by some creature.

By the tortoise.

By the tortoise.

So, to conceal the hemi corpse,

he sort of gathered it up and put it in the first receptacle he could find, which is in our sort of shared bin alley in the food waste bin, basically, thinking he would pick it out again a quarter an hour later, but he forgot.

Oh, my God.

And so, yesterday morning began with me discovering that this alley was teeming with maggots.

Oh my God, that story couldn't get worse.

The only way that story could have got worse was with teeming with maggots, and that's what happened.

Teeming.

It takes an incredibly long amount of time to clean up an alley when it's teeming with maggots.

I mean, it blew my mind.

Remember, guys, there's no eye in teeming with maggots.

No.

Although there is.

And there's also no eye in a maggot.

They don't have an eye.

They just have an all-consuming mouth.

All-consuming mouth and a relentless will to survive despite what you throw at them.

And to one day fly

into a window

again and again and again.

So add that to the hot, oppressive heat that we're getting in June.

Well, the thing is, it's maggot season, isn't it?

Yeah.

You get maggots like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Leave an onion on a windowsill.

maggots like that

and stop selling your onions

innocently leaving us in people.

Well, maybe

some sort of warning.

Normally it's a revenge warning, isn't it?

A warning or a signal, perhaps a come on to certain people in the know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To a local sexy onion farmer.

What kind of onion you use, isn't it?

It's very subtle onion flirting, can easily turn into one of onion threats.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it's a shallot, then you stay well clear.

We have a thing where my next-door neighbours

just create so many turds in their household.

Oh, God.

we've really gone hot and growth

so they've got they've got a baby who's who's turding yeah yeah oh it's lovely at that age isn't it oh it's a it's a lovely age isn't it when the first turds scurry out they've got a dog that's turding and a cat that's turding right what i'm saying is that they they sort of bin a lot of turds oh right yeah whereas my household bin zero turds right

and proudly so right

we've got a sign zero turds binned here since 2022 holding it in until 2030.

At that point, we'll see what happens.

But you do have a Kickstarter campaign looking to raise money for

your needs coming year 2030.

Basically, what I'm saying is, it got very hot yesterday, and their bin started to hum a bit.

That sort of outdoor wheelie bin.

And it's an audible hum.

Bearing in mind,

you're very, very sensitive to

variations in sound signals.

You detect all sensors as sound, don't you?

That's right.

That's right.

So you hear food.

Yeah.

And to me, the smell of a turd is turd, turd, turd, turd, turd.

That's how you smell it.

Yeah.

Just imagine that.

Turd, turd, turd, turd, put in your nose.

Turd, turd, turd.

See, yeah.

Well, you smell sounds.

Imagine it's the sharks or the jets or whichever in

Western story, and they're kind of clicking as well.

So it's like turd, turd, turd, turd, turd, turd, turd,

isn't it?

A dancing turd with opposable thumbs.

I turd instantly.

Here comes the turd chorus.

It's got a flip knife.

I'm going to be the biggest turd in the city.

Two star-crossed turds.

And so, but I couldn't work out, I can't work out the kind of

the manners around this.

Can I say

your bin stinks of turds?

And they'll say, well, yes, it's full of turds.

Yeah.

You know, what, what?

I think, I mean, they would have been aware of it as well themselves.

They're probably also like, ah, man.

I mean, they're a bit mortified.

They're probably just desperate for the bin lorry to come, aren't they?

Yeah, just as much.

But what do we do?

I think it's very much the case of the old hard cheese, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

So you just put we're talking parmesans, we're talking pecorinos, just grated pecorino over it.

And you're combating smell with smell, aren't you?

You have to fight smell with smell.

You have to combat it with a richer and nicer smell.

It's going to have to be hard cheese, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, makes sense.

Like, can I say, I used to live,

I'm having memories that I used to live in a maisonette above a household that was a high-turd household.

Yeah.

Similar situation.

And

I think it was baby and cat.

Right.

And they were bagging those turds and they were putting them in

the wheelie bin at the front of the house.

And every summer, hot turd summer,

you could set your watch to it.

Can you make that t-shirt, Henry, for the merch shop?

I think I'm going to do that.

Hot turd summer.

Available in brown and ill beige.

So sure enough, at some point in sort of mid-June, I'd find myself

basically there would be just swarms upon swarms of flies around their bit, their reeking bin.

I'd cleaned out the local Tesco Express of all hard cheeses.

I'd even moved on to some medium hard cheeses.

We're looking at Easy Dales, we're looking at Red Leicesters.

We shared one wheelie bin.

So there were come points somewhere I'd open it, it, I'd put in rubbish, and the whole thing would be writhing with teams.

I don't think one other word we haven't used.

Of supurating,

pulsating,

thronging, thronging, thronging.

Yeah, thronging with ramps.

With rabbits.

That would have been lovely if only.

Urban rabbits.

Urban shit-covered rabbits.

If only.

Well, there's a nappy stage as well, of course.

There's like the early nappies are fairly inoffensive, but once they start to eat sort of solid matter,

once they get onto meat, isn't it?

Once you wean them off breast milk and onto hot dogs, straight onto, yeah, which is what you do, isn't it?

It's breast milk to meat.

Exactly.

It's off frank confurter.

And frank confurter is the sausage that is closest to breast milk.

And that's where you start.

It's a solid brown breast milk.

But that's why initially, to wean the child from milk to meat, the breasts will be draped initially in hams.

Scotch eggs might be placed in the cleavage, then it's then it's then it's your pull, then it's your

then it's your back bacon, then it's your thigh bacon.

And understand, of course, there's lots of ways of doing it.

We're not saying that's the way you have to do it, but that's because people choose the way a lot of people choose to do.

If you don't like putting draping hams all over yourself, then you don't have to.

Yeah, come on.

People don't like their parents and grandparents telling them how to do these things.

Yeah, exactly.

You're perfect.

And it's perfectly fine if you're able to keep it in to wedge a big wedge of lamb mints and a big wedge of beef mints under your armpits.

But it's just harder to walk around and pick up things, but that's fine.

You make your own mistakes.

And I'm just not even saying they're mistakes.

You do it your way.

They're not a mistake.

There aren't any mistakes.

Or use a meat paste.

Slather on a meat paste.

Slather on a meat paste, which is very modern.

That's what people are doing now.

I've had some good fortune this morning.

Do you want to hear about that?

Yes, please.

Yes, please.

Came home last night after a week away.

Oh, yeah.

Boiler's not working.

The boiler's gone.

The boiler's dead.

In a way, that's the best time for it to happen though during a heat wave.

When you need to have a shower all the time.

Yeah, no, Fed is.

Yeah.

It's always bad.

Boiler down.

I'd have a cold shower last night, which I hadn't had probably for years.

And I was.

Oh, God, don't tell me you've become a.

If you've become a cold water evangelist, I'm fucking leaving this pod now.

Are you about to tell me how you've never felt so aroused?

The exact opposite.

So, for like 10 seconds before I went in, I thought, maybe I'll really like this and maybe I'll be on the Wim Hoff thing.

I'll get like an incredible rush of energy and vitality.

Bin Salo just went,

oh no,

oh, this is horrible.

Oh, no.

It was horrible.

Oh, God.

It was like torture.

It's horrendous.

So it's not going to be a Bim Poff rebranding.

It's not, you're going to stick

He jumps straight into bins full of turds.

And it's difficult to do.

A lot of people find it very hard.

You have to really get your riddle.

But do it.

And I actually sit in a bin for 15 minutes every morning now at 6 a.m.

Just when the maggots are waking up.

And it's completely turned my life around.

That cold water thing is one of those counterintuitive things.

Human beings are so fucking pathetic and weird.

We don't know what to do with our life.

So we just think, oh, maybe do the counterintuitive thing, like stick a shoe in your mouth.

Yeah, it's a stick a shoe in your mouth diet because you don't think you would stick a shoe in your mouth.

And that's why sticking in a shoe in your mouth will change your life.

Because I think by doing something that you definitely don't want to do, your body has a confusing adrenaline release where it goes, this is a terrible thing to do.

Yes.

I'm being attacked by some animal.

So you get a kind of survival surge of adrenaline, which makes you come out of like a pond at 5 a.m.

thinking you're going to

start a tech company or whatever.

But that's over by half past six, isn't it?

I mean, of course.

Yeah, so that was going to be my weekend.

And then I thought, right, I'm going to text the guy who comes and does my boiler, the boiler engineer guy who comes and services it once a year.

I text him at half past one in the morning.

Out of order, I'm going to say.

There's a thing to do, isn't it?

Can't text someone at 1.30.

It's on silent, probably, isn't it, in this house?

That it is, yeah, okay, Karen.

I don't know.

I don't know.

No, no, you're right.

Yeah, it's gone.

He replied at, this is out of order.

He replied at 5.40 in the morning.

Yeah, I'd woken him up.

It's a revenge text.

Yeah.

That's when you have to wake up to send all his texts out to people saying, sorry, I can't come today.

It might come tomorrow.

And that puts in his large to not come tomorrow either.

So I can sit at home and watch reruns of Alvita Senpet all day.

I've actually never, literally, never touched a boiler in my life, but no one knows because we've managed to create a culture of boiler operational boiler cancellations.

He said, Actually, you've caught me during

my morning bin puff.

So, yeah, I got a text at 5:40 with him saying, I can probably fit you in, but I'll have to be around at 7 a.m.

to do it.

Okay.

Now, I would normally be asleep both at 5:40 and 7 a.m., to be honest, but I happened to be awake to go and have a piss at the exact moment the text came in at 5:40.

Oh, suggesting he was watching you

from inside your bed.

He's good, this guy.

He's good.

He's good.

And it's the bin puff regimen which makes people that ambitious and

think that far outside the box.

It can only happen if you're feeling the writhing of fresh maggots against your inner leg in a hot and confined dark space that reeks.

Only then do you have what it takes to get in Ben's bed

and see that as an upgrade on the situation.

So I said, yeah, come around for seven o'clock.

He came around, fixed my boiler in like four minutes, replaced a fan.

And he said, I'm off to a stag do.

This guy's my hero.

What a life.

Yeah, that is amazing.

To be fair, that's a big salute to that boiler, that boiler man.

He fitted me in on the way to a, I think he was on the way to the airport when he came round.

Wow.

And he was the best man.

That's very good news for you.

It was great.

When it comes to cold showering, I have, you know, everyone's, I think, dipped their toes, so to speak, into the cold water revolution.

As far as I've got it,

I did

sometimes had a brief phase of,

so I'd have my shower and hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot as lobster in a pot.

And I'd just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very gradually, gradually, gradually sort of reverse hot frogging myself.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd cold lobstered.

I reverse lobstered myself.

So I'd make it very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very.

smoothly.

So you can freeze and store yourself.

But I'm not doing anything you saw right now.

Sort of pop yourself in the freezer.

Maybe next year.

But did that work, Henry?

Did that

get to cold?

I got to cold, but I didn't have any tech startup ideas.

So I don't think it kind of.

Yeah, it didn't shock your body in the way you needed to.

But so I did it gradually, gradually, gradually.

Until what would happen is I'd start breathing like this.

Which again is that's not good, is it?

You're not supposed to do that.

It's the opposite of what you're supposed to do.

It's a bad idea.

In the same way, you shouldn't be called Wim Hoff.

None of it's right.

And I'd get it into that point where I was...

And then go straight back to hot as the hottest lobster in Paris.

So I'd always have that hot butter.

You'd have a hot butter for it.

I'd put a pat of hot butter under each outfit,

a sprig of fennel in my mouth, and it has started a health revolution across the world.

Oh, yeah.

If you want to get nothing done for large chunks of the day, start your day like this.

But you don't feel that guilty about it.

Exactly, that's the beauty by the system.

Don't feel bad.

Don't feel that bad.

You're too tired.

So, when I do

spinning classes, which I occasionally do.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Come on, mate!

Yes!

Ah!

I'm in agony and I absolutely love this.

Ah!

More pain!

Crunch it, push it, flex it, more pain!

Smash it, sprain it.

Whoa!

The path to beauty is prolapsed hemorrhoids.

Henry's beef cake journey.

Afterwards, there's showers.

There's like four, I think, two sets of four showers facing each other with nice, nice, you know, steep

cloudy glass doors.

So it's good privacy level.

It's important to me.

So you get a bit of an outline, you get a bit of a sort of silhouette.

Oh, yeah.

You get a bit of a sort of bond, bond intro kind of thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There's a weird-shaped bald man.

Essentially screaming in the shower a lot of time because

when the hot water...

So so when it isn't incredibly hot, it has to be so hot for me.

Even after a hot spinning glass.

Widdly, even after a hot spinning class.

Because actually, that's when I want a cool shower.

Maybe not a freezing cold shower, but I would go for a cool shower.

Weirdly,

I always want a hot shower because I hate the cold.

If it's even like tepid,

what I've been known to do, because it's so important to me psychologically, that I do my exercise and have my treat, which is a nice hot shower.

If it's a bit tepid, I'll just wait in the shower.

Fire up some charcoals.

Fire up a few.

Well, one of those portable barbecue sets.

One of these easy to smuggle into them on a tree.

And when people smell the burning charcoal, they just think this can't be happening.

He can't be using a barbecue set in that shower.

They're trying to boil the water in there.

All the stuff just think that they're having strokes.

The perfect crime is the perfect crime.

No, but

I'll wait until all the men have scurried off and then I'll just secretly scurry into another shower to have it.

Because it has to be piping hot and lovely.

Sorry, I don't understand.

Why just wait for all the men to leave before you can have a hot shower?

Because I don't want it to be seen to be sort of going, I can't.

Because what will happen is there'll be a guy waiting, there's a queue.

And if he sees me leave that shower to go into a hotter one, that man will go in and know that I'm massively lame.

So instead, he can see through the translucent glass not having a shower

because it's the wrong temperature.

Even though the shower isn't on.

Yeah, he can see the...

The sacheting silhouette

of a lumpy bald man.

He's all dry sacheting.

The dry sacheting.

Of a lumpy bald man biding his time.

He might even look into the dark black eyes of a shark peering out at him as I try and read his body language to see what shower he's going to go into next.

From the gap underneath the door.

From the gap underneath the door.

And it puts me in such a bad mood to have a, because like

it's sort of like meals, I find.

Like

three meals a day, that's three nice moments can happen in a day, guaranteed.

Yeah.

So I hate it.

If a meal goes wrong, it's a bad meal.

It really annoys me.

So I've lost one of my three opportunities to have a guaranteed nice time today.

today and the shower is another one

it has to be a nice time and I will wait it out I will wait for the plumbing I'll wait for you'll wait for the charcoals to go white

yes and I'll eat a couple of burgers while I'm waiting

Should we turn on the beam machine?

Oh, yes, please.

We normally play the beam machine jingle, but we've had one sent in.

Oh, great.

This is from Tom.

Thank you, Tom.

Tom writes, I've made a sort of darkly inflected beam machine jingle with my theremin.

The vocal elements are also vocoded through various theremin waveforms.

Oh, nice.

Let's have a listen to that.

Activate the beam device.

Activate

the device.

Activate.

Device.

That sounded like it was from a discontinued 1970s BBC One sci-fi series.

It really did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

Really sinister.

The type that would have really ruined the sleep of a generation of children.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

But if you look at it.

You just assume that it was just nice, family-friendly, fun.

Exactly.

But when you look at it now, it's just a man dressed as a sausage with a yoga pot on his head.

With a yoga pot on his head.

Sector five.

It's for the phone.

Hang on.

Yes,

I'm approaching sector five, and that's just a man sitting on an old-fashioned drinks trolley.

And like all those old programmes, every actor in it would have been a storied Shakespearean actor.

Yeah, who was kind of slumming it by doing a BBC sofa.

Yeah, right.

But this will have paid for their house in Hampstead.

Yes, absolutely.

A single week of work.

So Derek Troughton would be player, would have gone straight from King Lear to Omniflax 9.

I am Omniflax.

And he's on a different drinks trolley being pushed in a different direction.

They're both being pushed towards each other on a beach

in Brighton.

You can see Brightonian.

They worried.

They don't have to paint that out yet.

They haven't worried how to paint that out yet.

They've covered a donkey in bubble wrap.

Yeah.

Well, you could then, couldn't you?

Yes, I am Omniflax.

And yes, before you face me first, you must face my hot donkey.

You cannot pop every bubble on my hot donkey.

Omniflax.

Certainly you won't have time because we only got permission.

We haven't actually got permission to use this beach at all.

So

we need to pace up everything, please.

Plus, I'm starting rehearsals for the Trojan women

in 20 minutes' time.

Yeah, those are good days, weren't they?

You could get a good old-fashioned Shakespearean actor and put them in a tiny little pair of sparkly like underpants.

That'd be prime time.

Yeah, but that was great.

I mean, I enjoyed the vibe.

That was very good.

Quite sinister, quite sort of very sinister.

Well then, Tom, thank you.

Thank you, Tom.

All right.

So, this week's topic, as sent in by Nick from Chicago,

is old wives' tales.

A sexist and ageist phrase.

So we are well within our comfort zone.

Just enjoy this one, Beans.

Just so we're clear, the definition of an old wives' tale is some kind of Bollocks received wisdom that isn't true or can be true but usually would not be true right right like if you don't wear a scarf you will catch your death from cold yes all that good stuff if you don't wear a scarf you'll acquire a sort of viral infection if you don't wear a scarf you'll sometimes get a bit confused about what to wear during inter-seasonal times so we're talking

um may april april and may

and september october Really handy to have a scarf.

That's a sort of modern take on it, isn't it?

Well, the modern take is more like, you know, don't let your kids have their jabs.

Measles has been made up by the government.

Okay.

Like old wives' tales have become a bit harder, haven't they?

They've become a sort of bit.

So you think the old wives' tale is

the precursor to the conspiracy theory?

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

They're supposed to be bogus, right?

They are, yeah.

When you say, or is that an old wives' tale?

Yes, yes.

Or you'll say that's maybe that's right.

Or you'll say, that's just an old wives' tale.

Yes.

In the opening 20 minutes of a horror film called

Keep Your Face Like That When the Wind Changes and You Won't Be Able to Stop Your Face Being Like That.

It's one of those films that has a long title and leans into it.

Yeah, so yeah, so that is that one.

Wind Changes in Your Face Like that.

Yeah, that sounds like one.

That used to worry me.

Did it?

Yeah, as a kid, I thought

that felt real.

I didn't think I was ever convinced by that one.

But remember, Mike, you don't have an imagination,

which is your greatest strength.

Okay, I found a list of old wives' tales online.

So there's different categories.

The first category is health.

Yeah, that feels like a big one.

Feed a cold, starve a fever.

Starve a fever.

Right.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Feed a cold, starve a fever.

Feed a cold.

With chicken soup.

Yeah.

Is that an old wives' tale, the chicken soup?

Because I recently had bad food poisoning, and I had this sudden urge to eat a kind of broth-like soup.

And I think it's because of all that stuff about chicken soup and sort of bone broths being good for you when you're feeling ill.

So I went to a local Japanese restaurant and ordered a thing called tonkotsu,

which is a pork, because it didn't have any ching there, it was a pork broth soup.

And it was described as creamy

in the

description.

Creamy pork broth.

It was incredibly nice.

But I ate it.

Basically, it sat in front of me.

I was like, okay,

I'm recovering from food poisoning.

I think I talked about this on the podcast.

It was quite gross.

I was recovering from food poisoning.

I thought, I need like a restorative, clear, you know, it's about simple foods, plain rice,

clean bone broths.

Turkey dinosaurs.

Turkey dinosaurs.

Ham salads.

Any sort of mousse.

Lameulards.

Prawn crowns.

And bisques.

When I was talking, lobster bisques was doing lamb bisques.

We're talking...

A prawn crown.

Prawn crown.

Mince bisques.

And

I started eating it.

I was like, this is bloody good.

And then I thought, hang on, no, it's creamy.

I could see it.

It was creamy.

And I thought,

that's the worst thing to eat is cream and dairy.

You know, that's rich.

So I essentially had gone in there looking for a clear, clear bone broth soup and ended up with creamy soup.

And I'd already had a sip at that point.

I thought, this is so bloody nice.

I'm just going to eat all of it anyway.

I ate all of it anyway.

And then later on, you're not going to believe this.

I discovered that actually, the cream isn't actually dairy cream.

It's only creamy because of

the length of time they take boiling the pork bones.

So, it's internal pork cream,

it's an internal pork cream,

which settle things down a treat, and people

and people still dare to call people pig faces and insult when these brilliant creatures-not only are they more intelligent than humans, they yield cream,

more hygienic than me, and they yield their own internal cream,

life-giving cream,

life-giving cream.

And the sooner we have seven swine in charge of the G7, the sooner this planet will be going in a better direction.

Next one: eating carrots helps you see in the dark.

But

there's some truth in that, right?

Because they contain vitamin A.

Can I just quickly say how I misinterpreted that as a child for a long, long, long time?

Yeah, go on.

I thought carrots help you see in the dark meant that if you went to a dark room with a carrot, it would glow.

Oh, my God.

Like Bilbo Baggins' sword.

Exactly like Bilbo Baggins' sword.

If there's trouble coming.

There's trouble coming.

So you must have thought you had some quite defective carrots then over the years.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I've tried everything.

I've tried shaking them, bashing them against the walls, sticking AAA batteries up them.

Nothing worked.

If you cut your hair, it'll grow back thicker.

I feel like I heard that with regards to sort of shaving things.

But that's bollocks.

The one I'm thinking of is the one that makes me think of is the one which is if you don't wash your hair it eventually cleans itself oh yes we had a teacher at secondary school who genuinely believed that greasy dave greasy dave he was also incredibly creepy he he also yeah was absolutely certain that this was this was effective even though he was visibly incredibly greasy but but not in a kind of cool john travolta way not in a no no no just looked like he needed a good hosing down basically the trouble with that that theory is it's a bit like the thing of when you're holding onto a rope onto a hot air air balloon.

The longer you hold onto it, the harder it is to let go.

Yeah.

Well, it was also strange because everything else was kemped.

Like he was shaven and he was like, he was,

you know, his clothes were ironed and clean.

And do you know what I mean?

He clearly, like, he washed all the other bits.

It was just literally this top, you know.

Just the top section absolutely reeks.

In fact, I can see right now

my...

Yeah, I can see my parting line is wretched with maggots.

But I've just got to hold onto that rope.

I've got to keep believing another year,

another academic year,

and eventually it'll turn good, isn't it?

That's the thing with the don't wash your hair.

Is there any truth in it?

Well, I believe, Mike, you might have a view on this.

I believe that there is some truth in it because I believe that the body, the human body, naturally secretes cleansing oils.

And I believe that a lot of the beauty industry is designed to buy.

So, what is the opposite of oil?

The opposite of oil is soap.

Soap,

soap

detaches carbon molecules from each other, which are forming oil, which creates confusion known as suds.

Yeah?

Suds is a mixture of soap.

So the reason I've learned this recently is I've started for the first time washing my face.

I genuinely didn't really know about washing my face.

What?

So I've been introduced to washing my face.

You feel the oils in your skin are being broken down by the soap.

And what that does is it

means the dirt and the oils kind of come off your face, kind of sop off your face in big brown, sort of brown waterfall of grime.

Sounds horrendous.

If you live in London, this is the thing which called it.

You know, when you come to London,

if you basically, if you put your head on a 45-degree angle and hit yourself on the back of the head, basically a pigeon will fall out of one of your nostrils.

Your armpus will be writhing with rat babes.

If you lick an ordinary kitchen towel, it will be dark, dark puce.

If you wring one of your fingers out,

it's internal pork cream, isn't it?

That comes out of it.

If you've eaten enough tonkotsu soup, you get a lovely, delicious dairy, internal pork cream.

Soho, Battersea, Old Southwark, Streatham, Vauxhall, Tuffmall Park, Barnett, technically, Madame Two Swords, the Senate of

Halfers,

Zone 5

Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.

Next stop, urban enlightenment

the glamorous london life of henry backer hang on a second is that sir andrew lloyd webber

no it can't be because you're sir andrew lloyd webber

i know

because you then come out of the shower having wash your face if you're me recently Yeah, if you're me recently?

Sorry, I'll just use the first person.

I get out of the shower having having washed my face.

But what happens is because those oils,

those natural, naturally secreted skin oils have now gone along with their dirt, you've now got this dry, this like naked skin that doesn't have any, that you then have to put moisturizer, artificial moisturizer on.

So essentially, I think like the beauty industry has definitely decided to intervene between skin and natural body oils and in there has founded a multi-billion dollar conspiracy.

Discuss.

yeah

i think there is some i think there's some truth in that there is some truth in that i know i know it to be true or i believe it to be true about lip balm

i never use

because you only need lip balm if you start using lip balm lip balm lip balm can i say i use lip balm do you i have two lip balms do you take them wherever you go i have a home lip balm and a transport lip balm yes because it's an interesting point because people who do lip balm do tend to have a lip balm.

There's always a lip balm.

I've always got a lip balm.

In fact, the other day, someone around me needed lip balm and I had lip balm.

But did you share your lip balm?

I shared my lip balm.

It's so intimate.

What are we talking?

A little pot that you put your finger in or a little stick that you...

Little Nivea stick.

Little stick.

I'm sure that's true because, again, you're getting in between your natural oils.

Yeah.

Your lips come to expect the balm.

And so if you don't give them the balm.

Exactly.

And they start to depend on the balm.

Yeah.

I think we train all these things from an early age, don't we?

When we wash our babies and cover them in talcum powder and

baby oil and all that stuff.

I think from a young age, we

yeah, because in the caveman days, we weren't like putting

moisturizer on a baby.

Yes, I know, but it's usually a pretty specious argument, isn't it?

The whole caveman thing, isn't it?

Generally?

Because they were rubbish.

Well, they were rubbish and

they lived for about 12 minutes and

had to have about about 80 children to just continue the same level of population.

So it's

usually

as weak as it gets.

The cavemen didn't do it.

Have you seen their art?

Have you seen the state of their asses?

Have you seen their asses?

More to the point.

Have you seen their illustration?

Pathetic.

I am in a cave and somebody a long time ago put their hand and put on paint and put it on the wall.

That is shit.

They would be.

It's rubbish at art.

It isn't moving to see how they struggle to draw like a donkey.

Do you know what I mean?

A tusked donkey.

A prison.

A tusked donkey.

Mike, have you discovered the world's worst argument?

It is, it's a pathetic, it's always the most pathetic argument.

And I made it today.

It's a really easy one to go back to, isn't it?

Because some of them did survive, you know, so clearly.

Yeah, Ben.

If cavemen are so good, Ben, how about you record the next podcast using only caveman technology?

Well, have you seen something called the Flintstones?

It's totally possible.

You just need to banter into the beak of a screaming bird.

Yeah.

Exactly.

All you need to do is find a living triceratops baby and train it to run round and round in a little wheel.

Now your microphone.

You're right, Mike.

Sorry.

It is the most specious argument of all.

Also, people are just going, but what about the Nazis?

That's another one.

You've just just got red up there, don't you?

No one ever says, but what about the lib dems?

It has to be extreme, doesn't it?

For you to be lent on.

By the way, another example of this, by the way, is feet have a natural tendency to develop hardness in the heel skin.

The soles of the feet

tend to callus up.

Now,

people are going to be writing in saying, hey, Henry, but you have gone on the record of saying that you have fungal foot problems.

I am no more fungal than the average Britain.

I've got a horrible feeling that's probably probably true, yes.

We feel like quite a fungal country.

Yeah, I mean we're quite a fungal nation.

But the feet, the feet develop that hardness, so that in a sense is the shoe of the body.

Isn't it?

The body has a kind of internal shoe.

And you can argue that shoes have, you know, our feet have become, because there's a big culture of, oh, scrape bits off your foot off with with with knives and then moisturize it to keep it all soft.

But the point is, your foot is supposed to be hard as fuck.

It's supposed to be like a pair of of DMs made out of your own hard, dead skin.

That's what's supposed to be.

Essentially,

in our natural state, we'd be hooved.

So you can kick the shit out of a woolly mammoth, basically.

Exactly, yeah.

Yeah,

we are hooved.

We're essentially hooved beasts, aren't we?

We're ungulates by any other name.

And so you can argue that shoes and basically everything, clothes as well, we should be really hairy and just be fine.

But we've developed all this technology, shoes, clothes, moisturizer, that's turned us into these like naked

vaccines

voting

and travel lodges criminal law cross-channel ferries

human rights legislation

double glazing

towels

guest towels

so in the cave are you saying that in the caveman days which as we've discovered is the best argument you can make to shore off any point you have yeah We would have had our own hooves and kind of.

They didn't have epaulets and they were absolutely fine.

Not epaulets, espadrilles.

They didn't have epaulettes either, did they?

We had natural hooves,

we had natural clothes

in the form of hair.

We had natural body products in the form of our own sweat.

The smallest injury could prove fatal.

Yeah.

And

infant mortality rates were hovering around the 100% level.

But no, but essentially the technology, we've sort of taken away the stuff we did naturally and replaced it stuff that can be monetized by big corporations, Condé Nast, Johnson Johnson's, Dr.

Martin's,

Admiral when it comes to home insurance, all the other stuff.

Hovis.

Hovis.

Yeah.

That's interesting, isn't it, though?

Is this the kind of stuff Joe Rogan would?

I think so.

Yeah.

it actually is, isn't it?

Yeah, it's exactly that.

If I was Mel Gibson,

he'd get Mel on, he'd get RFK on, and they'd have a lovely old time

talking about how he wouldn't really need trousers.

Let's read your emails.

We've had a version of the email jingle sent in by Joe.

Thank you, Joe.

Please find and touch my jingle submission in a 90s dance theme.

When you send an email,

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me?

Ah, just some old shit.

It represents this progress by the robot Jewish Holes.

We talk about that of it.

And then

we do email.

That makes it sound pretty dry, doesn't it?

Very good.

That was very good.

That was very good.

I didn't think I was very into a 90s electronic, but I did quite like the Shaman.

That was...

Was that Ebenezer good?

That Shaman, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yes.

There's a very good female vocal in that.

It was very, very 90s.

There was loads of that in the 90s.

Great sound.

Very good.

Well done, Joe.

I think those female vocal things are called top lines.

And they're recorded entirely separately.

Like before that song was even conceived of, someone just went in the studio and recorded loads of them and you could just go get one off the shelf.

And people still do them.

So that's similar to what Mike.

So Mike does that with hog hog noises, don't you?

Hogs, pigs, piglets.

Basically, it's hog noises in any key.

Really?

In any key.

The Warsnack Hog Library.

So the Warsnet Hog Library, which things like the BBC gains.

Yeah,

exactly.

Because

twice a year, isn't it?

The royalties come in.

But things like the BBC has access to the full Woznik Hog Library, don't they?

Yeah.

So they've got that in perpetuity.

Just for our listeners, Mike, could you maybe give us a taste of some of the deeper cuts?

For example, what about Hog Looks Out over the World War I war graves in northern France?

Yeah, that took me there.

Absolutely incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they're sensitive animals.

Yeah.

And of course, I mean, this is an absolute classic.

This is your satisfaction.

You get bored of being asked to do this.

Here we go.

Just absolutely terrified, terrified hog about to be dropped off the back of an RAF bomber.

That one's quite hard to tell from some other ones, some other popular ones in the library, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, it's the paper-thin gaps between them.

I think the mic is working at Pam with his organises.

Quite a good one, she wasn't into that at all.

One I quite like is

Sal that's just just found out, just

found out what happens at the end of Sixth Sense.

Yeah.

It's good stuff.

But so basically, it's $499.99 per month

gives you access to the first tier.

So that's

you can see what's it.

You can look at the catalogue for that.

Then you can see the catalogue because it's grayed out otherwise, isn't it?

But you can get the app for free,

but it's just a picture of Mike's body.

photoshopped onto onto a hog's head, isn't it?

That's all you get for free.

Here's an email with a nice subject header.

It's from Morgan from Wigan, and it's described as a terrifying moth disaster.

Oh.

Hi, Beans.

I'm emailing you to push back on something Mike said at the start of the moths episode,

which was, with the greatest of respect, absolute bollocks.

Okay.

Mike said that small moths are more troublesome than large ones.

Hmm.

I believe that.

Well, I did believe that until I said it convincingly, yeah.

Listen to this.

I usually love moths and all the creatures of the night.

However, a few years ago, I had a hawk moth invade my home.

Shit.

They're the exact size of a hawk, aren't they?

But with the body of a moth.

Oh my god, they're terrifying.

Yeah.

It was a summer's night, so I had the window open.

Unfortunately, this big moth was drawn to the intoxicating beauty of my bedroom light.

Whenever a small animal is in your home, it appears massive, as we all know.

With this in mind, I would conservatively estimate the size of this thing to be roughly equivalent to that of a pigeon.

But of course, when it's a pigeon, it doesn't matter.

I mean, we all welcome a pigeon into our bedroom, don't we?

But when it's a moth the size of a pigeon, then you're in, yeah, you're in deep doo-doo.

It was flying erratically into our faces, evading our swats, and we had no fly spray in the house, so we had to sleep downstairs.

Oh, you yielded territory.

I've yielded territory to animals.

The moth annexed the bedroom, did it?

I've yielded territory to animals of the night.

In the morning, we attacked it with half a can of raid.

In the morning, it's still there.

They've had time to go to the shops.

Normally, the one good thing about moths is that sort of like vampires, when daylight comes, it's sort of like they're just gone.

Yeah, it's like a horrifying where they just, but yeah, they're gone.

We don't want to think about where.

It's into our jumpers, isn't it?

Essentially, I think.

In the morning, we attacked it with half a can of raid, and it continued to fly entirely unbothered.

However, after consulting the ancient tomes, my boyfriend discovered its only weakness:

being smashed to death with a mallet,

one chink in its arm

it has to be a mallet, doesn't it?

A large hammer will not do the job.

Has to have a fully symmetrical, rectangular, oblong, oblongoid head.

Ideally long-handled mallet.

Long handle.

You might use for breeze block walls.

So thank you for that, Morgan.

That's fantastic.

Wow.

Okay, and thank you for sharing the secret, Morgan.

We've had a seminar email from Amy.

Okay.

Hello, Amy.

After listening to your moths episode, I was compelled to share with you my own encounter with a furry flying death beetle.

Many years ago, I was at my parents' house, and I paid what I thought was a trouble-free trip to the toilet.

Afterwards, I went into the living room and settled down to watch some TV.

After just a few seconds, I noticed a small bulge moving around on my thigh under my trousers.

The bulge was moving fast towards my groin, and I quickly recalled my trip to the bathroom moments earlier, where I'd half-noticed a giant beast of a moth, brackets one with a thick, fuzzy pellet for a body, and as you described last week, mascara brushes for antenna, fluttering around the bathroom light.

My mind sped through the scenario that must have taken place.

When sat on the toilet, my exposed thighs were so pale under the bathroom light that they shone brighter than the light itself, therefore attracting the moth away from the light and towards my nether regions.

Only British people have thighs that white.

Whiter than the moon.

It must have landed on my leg before I pulled up my trousers, none the wiser, trapping the moth inside.

Okay, so as I realized what had happened, I jumped off the sofa, let out a blood-curdling scream, and ripped my trousers off.

Oh, God, that is a disaster nightmare/slash horror show from hell.

Can I say, my, because my ultimate horror with insects.

If I go into a room with an insect in it, my ultimate horror is, well, one is it'll say to me, Henry, have you really made the most of your education?

But the second is

that it'll fly down my collars, up my cuffs, up my trouser legs, under the betwixt the clothing and the flesh.

That is my ultimate nightmare.

Anyway, carry on.

Sure enough, a moth about the size of a dog escaped from my trousers and flew up towards the lounge light.

Hearing the noise, my parents rushed in, not noticing the moth and only seeing their daughter in the middle of the living room, screaming with no trousers on.

Yeah, and that's an old wife's tale.

That means that tomorrow it's going to be a bit drizzly.

Screaming trouserless daughter in the night.

I have feared moth ever since.

So listening to your episode last week felt a bit like exposer therapy.

Thanks for making me relive the trauma.

All the best, Amy.

Good lord, Amy.

Do you sometimes

get into these like middle-of-the-night, weird Mexican standoffs with just a small insect that all it really wants to do is,

well, reproduce reproduce or pollinate whatever phase of its gratesque life it's in.

And these horror show dramas play out, like in the wee hours, I find between me and a moth.

Well, she lived it, though.

She lived it.

But the next day,

it's just gone.

That's true horror.

The day moth.

That could be a horror film.

The day moth.

The day moth.

The day moth.

It wasn't gone.

The trousers were gone, but the moth was still there.

Starring Anthony Hopkins as the trousers.

I think this next email, Henry, is your nightmare.

Okay.

When it comes to moths.

Another moth mail.

We've got loads of mothmail.

This is from Emma.

I listened to a moths episode late one night.

It had been a warm evening, and we'd left the back door open.

As I went to close it, there was a sudden, ghastly, soft flapping in the vicinity of my left eye.

Henry said, Very soft, very, feathery soft.

Here I come with my wet compound eyes.

Feathery soft.

How many legs have I got?

Shitloads of legs.

Yeah.

Yes, a wily little moth had snuck up behind me and somehow inserted itself between my eyeball and the spectacle lens.

Oh my god,

Henry's literally taking his glasses off.

He

cannot pick it up with his glasses on.

That's the sacred portal.

You can't go in there.

I'm going to.

Oh, that's horrific.

You don't like things near your eyes generally, do you?

I mean, lots of people like that.

I don't like snooker cues near my eyes.

You're particularly uneasy if the tip of a javelin is being waved around near your eyes.

I'm genuinely scared that I'll have my eye poked out or by a toothpick.

But between the eye.

Anyway, go on.

So somehow it inserts itself between my eyeball and the spectacle ends, becoming trapped.

And it was now thrashing its dusty little life away directly onto my conjunctiva.

Of course it's thrashing.

That's all it knows.

All it knows it's thrashing.

It can't sit down and come up with an action plan.

It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, yeah, thrashing is its solution to everything.

I made an involuntary noise, something like

that.

If that was my situation, if I was in that situation, I've been in that kind of situation before, you make a random noise you've never heard before,

you didn't know you could make,

like that,

and whatever I'm holding in my hand, I throw it across the room.

Even though that doesn't help at all, but remote control, glass of wine, whatever.

Your date.

Yeah, your date.

Yeah.

Treasured aunt, steering wheel.

Steering wheel.

What's that old Bible called?

The William Tyndall Bible.

The William Tyndall Bible.

I finally gained access to the British Museum.

So I work out if I'm in it.

Yeah.

Off it flies.

The Eldritch Remnant, now released, flailed off into God knows what dreary oblivion.

It was one of the most inconsequentially horrifying experiences of my life.

Moths are incredible creatures, but I do not want one in my eye.

Emma.

Oh, thank you for sharing that horrendous horror.

I briefly had a fling with a moth.

I've heard I did have a wonderful, wonderful fling with a moth.

Wonderful summer in Venice.

Wonderful spring in Paris, actually, this time.

But there are incredibly cheap dates.

Well, they have you just to share a toram or su, aren't they?

They'll share a toram or so,

and then you just um they'll always come home with you as long as you've got a mag light

to follow you home.

Do you have a final moth email?

Yes, please.

Yeah.

This is from John.

Hello, John.

Thanks, Beans, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you, Beans.

Thank you.

The moths episode, or undead butterflies as I like to call them, really helped validate me.

For years, I believe no one else thought these winged pricks were things to be fearful of.

I believe they are assholes, the lot of them.

When an undead butterfly is swatted out of the air, it vanishes into a plume of great dust with seemingly no moist organ tissue.

That's a good point.

Yet no one says anything.

It's all kierstarma this and potholes that

when the undead/slash living state of these moth demons needs to be explored using all the world's resources.

John, I think he's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You've got my full support there, John.

John won't

survive the day.

Do you know what I mean?

He's put his head above the parapet there.

He's asking dangerous questions.

So he'll be swarmed with moths.

They'll take him away and

they'll take him off.

Yeah.

And now another kind of email, which is one of my favourite kinds of emails.

And maybe this needs a jingle, although I don't have time to make it this week, maybe, but it's another listener who's really injured their hand whilst listening to the podcast.

Oh, no.

What should we call that jingle?

Digibangers?

It's digibangers a clock.

Someone else is bang running the digits.

Oh, but this is not a bang, Henry.

It's normally a bang.

Well, it's often either a drill.

Yeah.

It's often a drill.

Yeah.

Sometimes a bang.

But this is a whole new category.

A fantastic new category.

Dear beings.

It's not a spatchcocking, is it?

My name is Alex.

I am a blacksmith.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

On Tuesday of this week, I was busily working in my forge.

Sparks jumped from the steel as my hammer fell, and the sweet sound of beans mingled with the ring of the anvil.

Whilst using a letter stamp to engrave the initials of a customer onto the blade of a kitchen knife.

This is like the beginning of an episode of Casualties, isn't it?

There are so many things here that could go wrong.

Mike was talking about the time he smashed a window after tripping over his daughter's drum kit.

This caused me to laugh suddenly and miss my strike.

As I had missed my opportunity and the steel was now too cold to stamp, I put the blade back into the coals.

Still chuckling, I absent-mindedly picked up the stamp and held it in my fist.

This stamp had moments ago been resting against a white-hot piece of steel and seared the flesh of my thumb.

Please see the attached photograph.

Oh no, Mike, are you serious?

Has he branded himself with the branded himself?

Oh,

wowie, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy.

That looks seriously ouchy.

Yeah, can you explain what we're seeing?

It looks like the letter P has been branded into the side of his thumb.

Weirdly, I'm actually weirdly absolutely fine with that.

After running to plunge my hand into a bucket of water, and the faint smell of bacon had dispersed,

I examined my wound.

The letter that I'd planned to stamp onto the blade was, in fact, the letter P, and the hot steel tool had branded me with it.

Staring dumbly at the scorched flesh, I thought, P

Paca,

Pachadonia!

Pacadonia.

Pacadia.

Pacadonia.

Of course.

Now that I'm branded with the symbol of your religion, I assume I'm a cleric or Templar or something in the church.

He's a prophet, the very least.

Prophet of Pacadonia, the first prophet of Pacadonia.

Alexander, the blacksmith.

The holy blacksmith of Pacadonia.

That's very, I mean, narratively speaking, that's very nice that it's a blacksmith.

It's really kind of earthy and pure.

And

there's strength.

it's got fantastic optics, there's fire, and the optics are absolutely premium.

Superb.

Yeah, yeah.

Alex, we'll get ready to be hosting events in the mega temple very soon.

And the Pacadonia Forge, which you'll be creating for the temple.

Will that be branded onto his thumb forever?

This is every chance, yes.

I think that's the way branding works, isn't it?

Yeah,

keep us in the loop.

It's the right way around, though, which is a bonus.

The P.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, yeah, I guess so.

What a strange thing to say.

The silver linings go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's an odd one.

Yeah.

Blind me.

Well, thanks, Alex.

And

you've helped yourself.

Good luck with your new career as a prophet.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash freepean bean salad.

Thanks for everyone who signed up at our Patreon.

Yes, thank you.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

You can get bonus episodes and you get ad-free episodes.

You can get video episodes.

And it's all good stuff.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was this morning.

Early morning for you.

I certainly was.

Yeah, it was pretty intense.

It was, wasn't it?

Because

it was the annual, should we rethink the Flooring debate.

Wasn't it?

It was indeed.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was the annual Should We Rethink the Flooring debate at the Shawnby Lounge, with the first round being the classic wet or dry contest.

Arguing for wet flooring were Steve O'Connell, Dave Bokes, Isaac Bate, and Ells Clayton, but their team quickly fell apart after failing to agree on an optimum wetness level, and they were only able to specify somewhere between damp moss and municipal swimming pool compulsory sanitizing footbath.

Mikhail Hanowich-Horlitz, Jeff Jones, Christian, and Alice therefore won the dry argument by default rather than skill.

And so, rather than ruin anyone's view of what they might have been capable of if put to the test, it was agreed to preserve them in aspic and mount them on the Schornbean Atrium Ward, Shrines to Potential.

The dry flooring subdebate roared into life immediately, with Morgan Evans, Andrew Farrelly, and Hugh Mann proposing cork notice board flooring to improve memo penetration, versus Kate O'Connor, Adam Fisher, and Ed Marshall submitting a retro vinyl flooring with the ability to rotate at either 33 or 45 rpm.

John Newman Watt asked why not 78 rpm and was sent to the wind your neck in cooler.

Vinyl won the subvote leading to a chaotic breakaway debate about what music the floor should play.

Jonathan Small wanted ultra-orthodox dubstep, William Beefy Dashwood wanted acoustic bomb themes, Jenny Thomas wanted Evita as sung by the original Sean Bean cast, and Mike Ridley Dash wanted the shoegazing ballads he made himself during the six months he pretended not to have heard that lockdown was over.

Oblivious to this, Joe Byron had teamed up up with Vash Bleu, Rachel and Holly Rowena to debate the merits of rethinking the floor and ceiling and walls as industrial magnets, though this was countered by Isaet, who claimed to have met someone once who had a friend whose cousin did that to their en suite and who to this day can't leave their house without being attacked by a swarm of binlids.

Mikey Boy Mary Honan, R.P.

McMurphy and Captain Benjamin Biggles moted archaeological flooring, their plan to dig to layers of the lounge that predate Sean Bean himself, i.e.

the year before Sean Bean and beyond.

Ed Williams, Alistair McKenzie and Electra tabled a motion that this was fundamentally heretical, and the would-be diggers were converted into cut-end mop-eds by Luke Rawsthorne and Jack Barnett.

Elsewhere, Elizabeth Mitchell wanted flooring made of submarines, while Sasha Halperin wanted flooring made of Jonathan's.

Lissy, Jack Kennedy, Al and Sam Brocky argued the merits of a floor of mirrors, but in the end Sean Bean declared the winners to be Peter Wivel, Daniel Kamara, Manxman Dan and Emma Gray for their traditional Leisure Centre indoor sports hall flooring, in which every floor is permanently daubed with the markings for tennis, football, badminton, hockey, four square, basketball, softball, handball, netball, graco roman wrestling and kabaddi making them uninterpretable for any and all of the above.

Thanks all.

Okay, we'll finish off the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you and this is from Scott.

Thank you Scott.

Thank you.

Please find attached a version of your theme tune that I thought you might like.

I'm currently working on another version that I'm calling Jules Holland vs Partridge Boogie Bean Woogie Smashfuck.

Nice.

But it requires a bit more work.

In the meantime, have this rendition performed using a Playdate console, which is basically a sexy Game Boy for hipsters.

Perhaps on a loop, it could make a nice lullaby for your listeners to drift off to.

Lovely.

Perfect.

They're very rarely awake at this point, aren't they?

But yeah,

any stragglers.

For any stragglers, here it comes.

So that's the show.

Thanks for listening, and we'll finish with Scott's little theme.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheerio.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye.