The Renaissance

We've got a um

a touch of uh well a little taste of the the life of the Metropolitan Elite this morning in my neck of the woods.

How do you mean?

Well, I just popped out early this morning to walk Pam.

Pam, Pam, Pam.

And we've got a squashed rat on our road.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

And that does confer city status on Exeter, doesn't it?

I know you've had a cathedral for over a thousand years.

I think so.

Finally, yes.

We applied.

We had a cathedral.

We had a university.

We keep applying.

We keep getting knocked back.

It's the squashed rat is the final of the three points.

Exactly, yeah, finally.

And people, they can tell if it's just a small beaver.

They can tell.

It's not that doesn't appear.

It's an unto bishop who's been dispatched to check exactly that.

Yeah.

If that squashed small beaver reverses you back to village, doesn't it?

She's there now doing an assessment.

They've put a sort of gazebo over the top and blocked the roads.

And

yeah, people are queuing up to see it.

Or to get selfies and to usual.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And to start welcoming in the international businesses that will start HQing themselves and ask to

HSBC.

Yes.

Santander.

Omnibank, of course.

They've all been alerted.

United Biscuits.

British American tobacco.

Mega cream.

British American cheese.

British American cheese.

So it's very exciting.

Wow.

Congrats.

Well, we've hoped for it for a long time because we're in the spring, of course, and we get a spring sort of rat tsunami sometimes.

When it's very, very wet,

they flee the river.

So you'll see them skittering and scampering, but we've never managed to squash one.

I don't know who no one's claiming the squashing yet.

That'll be interesting.

From the kind of tire marks, can you tell what kind of.

I'm assuming it's a vehicle rather than someone with a mallet.

It looks from the heavy pressing, I'd say

a vehicle.

I'd be very impressed if someone's managed that with a bicycle.

Okay.

It's also, it's on the side, it suggests,

yeah, pavement side wheel.

And obviously, so someone will have to do the checks that it is a rat when they still have to do that.

So that's...

Yeah.

They've got four-finger claws at the front.

Stubbly sort of unshaped, well kind of unshaven look, isn't it?

It's unkempt, isn't it?

This is an unkempt look that they go for.

It's kind of day after the Christmas party kind of look, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, they're not wearing a tie.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's very much, oh, oh, God, did I, um, did I, did I photocopy my cloaker and send it to the Taiwan branch?

Isn't it?

That sort of vibe.

That's what they go for.

Whereas mice are more like sort of combed, aren't they?

Mice are much more.

Oh, I like a mouse, to be honest.

I do like a mouse, no, it would be sad if it was a mouse, yeah.

So the reason I bring this up is that is because, you know, as I quite often do, I bring the illustrator's view on a topic okay and um the difference between a rat and a mouse from an illustrator's point of view is yeah is it's all about snout length okay and snout unkemptness okay so a long long messy snout so basically if i draw something okay this is i'm trying to draw a rat that looks like a mouse i extend the snout a bit and just add loads of random bits of hair coming and just make it look a bit unshaven a bit a bit yeah a bit day after the office party i was told secondhand you know the old uh rat getting up a pen thing i was told that it's a

I can't get up a bloody pen.

I might get one of those novelty ones.

A London rat, what a sort of display pen outside the Ryman's HQ.

Probably rat in that.

Not an operational pen, though.

I mean, I've seen rats the size of boys

in this town.

Yeah.

You see a boy getting up a pen.

Soho, Battersea, Old Southwark, Streatham, Vauxhall, Vauxhall, Tuffinall Park, Barnett, technically, Madame Two Swords, the Senate of

Halfers,

Zone 5

Mind the gap between your provincial existence and this metropolitan utopia.

Next stop, urban enlightenment.

The glamorous London life of Henry Baker.

Hang on a second.

Is that Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?

No, it can't be.

Because you're Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I know.

So, Mike, what were you saying?

Oh,

it's a second hand that apparently it's the nose girth is

that is key.

They can use the end of their nose.

If they can get the end of their nose in it, they can get the whole of them in a way.

That's the measure.

Mouse of a pen.

Yeah, yeah, of course, because they've got a collapsible skeleton, isn't it?

The whole thing.

It's the same logic as trestle tables.

It's the same logic as trestle tables.

Which is, um, if you've ever seen a small group of grannies trying to set up a fate,

but they're separated from the fate main room by a wall with a tiny little chink in it.

If there's a tiny chink or even a drain aperture, it's incredible what they do because they fold.

All grannies can get in, can they?

It's just not an issue.

They'll fold up the trestle table.

Because if the trestle table can get in, then they can get in as well.

Yeah, because they can fold up their legs and arms in the same way.

That's right.

And in an emergency, where's granny?

All she's left is her thermos.

Look inside the thermos.

Open it up and you'll see one of her eyeballs sticking out the top.

And she can tell you through winking whether or not she wants you to

shake her out.

And that's why you see so many grannies with burned eyes, isn't it?

Which is when people have poured hot tea into

a flask without checking if there's a granny inside.

Always check that thermos.

Always check your bonfire to see if there's a hedgehog in it.

Yeah.

Or a granny.

Chick under your toilet seats.

Well, you know, rats come up through toilets.

That's one of the most heinous things I've ever seen on the internet.

Someone opening up the top of their toilet bowl, and the rat just bursts out of it like a horrific anti-celebratory firework.

It like shoots out into the room.

It's unbelievable.

Satan's party popper.

Satan's party popper.

Beelzebub's jack in a box.

A good thing that person was, for some reason,

video diarizing their toilet opening every day of their lives.

Well, that's it.

That's why we should all be video diarizing at all times, just on the off-chart.

Void diarise as much as you possibly can.

That some sort of end-of-the-world omen should occur during your life.

I think this so much because I end up watching a lot of videos online of like recently I watched a long compilation of near misses of people almost getting hit by trucks.

Yeah, I've watched and I was like, How, why is this being filmed?

Like, and the fact that the things that are being filmed, like that must be a small percentage of the actual mad stuff that's happening.

If you extrapolate out, it should that we must almost almost be being hit by trucks all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

If this number are being filmed,

I mean, I know there's a dash cam element.

I know there's a dash cam element.

Don't look at me like that.

Ben, and the elephant in the so the elephant in the room was just the dash cam elephant.

I mean, the dash cam element.

That's why they call it the dash cam elephant, don't they?

It's always in the corner of the room for these kinds of chats.

I haven't dash cammed.

Have you dashed cam?

No, I've not, but that's the thing.

No, but there isn't.

Not many people have camped.

No, but there is a dash cam element, Mike.

That's what we're saying.

I know, I know.

We're not saying everyone dash cams.

No, I know, but I don't think I ever will because

I think if anything really goes wrong, I'm like,

what if I'm responsible?

Do you know what I mean?

Do I want to document that?

That's why I don't have one.

It feels like an incrimination machine, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Because what happened to the good old thing of sidling away exactly from something exactly if you sidelow it on dash cam i'll tell you what it looks even worse that you cannot sidle gracefully out of us out of a dash cam

out of dash cam footage

people talk about the ethics of cctv don't they that was a that was a big 90s talking point

huge 90s talking it's kind of gone away now people don't seem to want away for some reason well we were notorious back then weren't we as a nation but i think there is still well no there's a cctv everywhere i know but but back then we were like famously like, we were top of the pops.

Yeah, yeah.

We had more CCTV cameras than we had rats, basically.

I think there was no stat that, like, Britain had more CCTV cameras than like the Stasi ever had.

Right.

Like, we were just really into it.

Like, and no other country on earth was really on board for it.

And we were just like, get those cameras up.

Yeah.

Why is that?

Yeah.

Why was it?

I don't know why that is.

Was it around about the same time as ID cards were being?

That's the thing.

We were so anti-ID cards, which is literally just a piece of card with your name on it.

We were like, film me at all times, but you will not know my name.

Yeah.

You will be able able to follow me back to my house using a series of cameras.

Because I've met my French exchange and he is constantly ashen-faced all the time.

That ID card is clearly ruining his life.

The haunted look on Jean-Michel's face.

Yes, I am carrying my driver's license in my pocket at all times, but that's different.

And my library card and my credit card, yes.

But, you know, I don't want to.

Look, I don't want to be the person to stoke a sleeping bull.

Okay.

Great mixed metaphor.

I don't want to be the guy to tweak the nipples of a sedated snake.

Of a sedated snake.

To fan the stew.

But I think it's time to reopen the debate on 90 CCTV.

I'm with you, Henry.

Anyway, so here's an ethical question for you.

I have wondered this sometimes.

Actually,

would it be

better

for society, for all of us as individuals, if we just went, you know what, sod it.

Let's press the button.

Universal CCTV.

All the time.

Every time.

Dash cams, body cams.

Dash cams, body cams, rat cams, egg cam, bonjo cam, pam cam.

Everyone's got a cam.

And everyone's got multi-cams.

Thanks for including me in the list of pets, Henry.

Wouldn't that just be better?

Because then we'd solve all crimes instantly.

They wouldn't even happen.

I've got nothing to hide except Thursdays, 3 to 7.30.

That's all I'm asking for.

I get a dash cam amnesty.

Thursdays, 3 to 7.30.

Okay.

No, no, but do you know what I mean?

So if you're trying to garotta Supergrass, then...

How do you navigate your way around that?

Is it that if you turn off your body cam, there's a member of Supergrass?

I'd be going for

Bascon McGuinty.

What's he called again?

Bascon McGuinty.

Bascon McGuinty.

Bascom Bascom McGuinty.

What's he called again?

The guy in the guy in.

What is he called?

It's called Harry Bascom, is he?

Gaz Coombs.

Gaz Coombs.

Exactly the same energy as Harry Bascombe as a name.

I'm very good at remembering the energy of people's names.

But this is why, I mean, yeah, so we've mentioned this before.

People were critical of Bonneau and the Edge and all that, that kind of vibe, but it is clear.

It is some clear marketing.

Some clear labelling.

That's true.

I think what's difficult if you're in a band is getting name recognition if you're not the lead singer, basically.

I mean, I don't know.

Do I know the bassist or drummer from any band?

Bassist in particular.

Well, Flea managed it by being called Flea.

Again, that's the thing.

He's got Flea style, hasn't he?

Who's Flea?

Who's Flea?

Are you being serious?

Good times with my friends.

I'm having good times with my friends.

I've got into that.

I'm scared.

So that was my safe place song.

Chili peppers.

Pace setters.

Chili peppers, red hot chili peppers.

Chili peppers, they're not a proper band, sorry.

What?

Uh-oh.

There's certainly no Steve Forbird.

And can I tell you, I've been getting so much love for Steve Farbird.

Have you?

Have I had one message?

Have I had two messages?

Have I had two?

I have had two, yeah.

I've had two messages from Steve Forbird.

Steve Forbird.

The first one asking me to marry him

and the second one apologising,

but then doubling down on it and asking me again

if I would marry him.

Just so if you weren't listening last week, Henry played us a song by Steve Forbert

that he likes, and me and Mike give him short shorts.

He panned it.

But I think I've had two people say, you know, reach out to me in a positive way.

Okay.

What did they say?

Just it's a good song?

Yeah.

Just say they agreed with me.

They listened to it first time and loved it.

Okay.

I think that means it's a good song, though.

I'm saying it's the first time liker.

But let's not get into that.

Okay.

We could do.

No.

No.

Bassists and drummers who.

It must be quite annoying, that, do you think?

Literally, you could be any.

You could just wheel out.

I don't know that it is, because I think if that's your jam, then maybe you quite...

Maybe you quite like it.

Maybe it's quite like it.

Yeah, that's the cheat code, isn't it?

Like, being the drummer in U2 is brilliant.

You're as rich as Croesus, but no one knows who you are.

Yeah.

But you could literally be Jeremy Hunt.

I might be.

It could be Jeremy Hunt.

You could have a completely separate life.

And you could be one of those people who excels in their separate life, as well as their main life, like Jeremy Hunt.

You know, yeah, that's the second time in two weeks we've talked about Jeremy Hunt, is it?

Yeah,

why is that?

Has he got your spare room at the moment?

I just feel for Jeremy Hunt.

You know, he was all right, wasn't he, Jeremy Hunt?

No one's got bad things to say about Jeremy Hunt.

Loads of people had bad things to say about Jeremy Hunt.

Oh, he's an absolute appalling health secretary.

Oh, yeah, was he?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah.

I want to tell the listeners about something where.

So, if you came to our recent live shows in Bath, you may have noticed that on the stage, we had a couple of things on the stage.

We always have a few things.

We've got like the crab bell and

little seagull.

Yeah, Mike bought a seagull for some reason.

That's Chekhov's Seagull.

Yeah.

They're all little references to things that.

Yeah, but I don't even remember what that reference is.

And I'm in it.

That's because it went over your head, Ben.

Anyway, one of the things we had on stage, we had Nigel Havers autobiography.

Now, the reason is because we did some Patreon-only episodes, we did a Patreon-only episode involving Nigel Haver's autobiography.

Now, we also did a Patreon episode about John Major's autobiography.

But not about, because again,

we're not endorsing John Major, but.

Using it as a jumping off point for

little comedic skits and

little Joie de Meaux.

What is it that we do?

What is Joie de Meau mean?

Little Joie de Mo, little Viennese fancies of the mind.

It was agony art action, basically.

Yeah, we were using, we were randomly picking bits out of it

to answer people's agony art questions.

Yeah, anyway, so we thought, oh, it was fun.

We'll take the Havers autobiography and the John Major autobiography.

So we put them on the stage.

Yeah.

So as people were coming and sat down, that was part of what they saw.

It was

the Michael Habers autobiography and the John Major autobiography.

That's part of the incredible set.

But the John Major one was quite big as well.

Big old, dirty, great big hardback.

Huge big hardback of the John Major autobiography.

Shining on the stage and lights.

On the table.

And then I realised that we haven't yet released the John Major episode episode on patreon no so it just looked like we decided to

troubling you ever since but also it looked like for some reason that this show was brought to you by the john right major autobiography which is weird or brought to you by john major in some way the other thing that's weird is we then didn't reference we forgot to we didn't did we do anything with we made no reference

so then it was more like oh we're trying to subliminally influence people to to to be keen on john major retrospectively

That's been troubling you ever since.

It's quite a big pompadou.

I didn't realise this was playing on your mind, Ben.

It has played on my mind.

The thing that troubles me about it, though, is also that no one mentioned it or thought it was weird enough to mention.

And as it sort of felt right for us as a podcast.

Yes, because it would be alongside John Major somehow.

And he would be our spiritual companion.

That's the thing that bothers me.

Now, Mike, you mentioned that us talking about this is a pompadou.

Yes.

Play the jingle.

It's been a while.

Well,

people have sent in versions of the pompadou Pompidou Jingle, but I haven't been able to use them because we don't really do Pompidou's anymore.

I don't know if we don't or if we do, we don't even realise we're doing it.

But that was a very clear Pompidou.

Basically, imagine if you were locked in the Pompidou Centre for seven years, right?

By the end of it, would you still think you were in the Pompidou Centre?

I think you wouldn't.

I think you would think that that was your new world.

Do you know what I mean?

So you wouldn't notice.

If you're close enough to the Pompidou Centre, you don't see the Pompidou Center.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that makes sense.

Yeah.

Anyway, just so if you don't know, a Pompidou is when we talk about the kind of internal mechanics or kind of behind-the-scenes look, decisions made about the podcast, for example.

But we don't really do that anymore because, you know, it's absolutely fascinating.

It's a fascinating.

It's a bit like looking behind the curtains in a curtain shop.

All you see is more curtains, curtains within curtains.

There is a jingle for it.

I'm quite fond of the original Pompidou jingle.

But I'm going to play one sent in by somebody.

They sent it in six months ago.

This is Andrew from Devon.

Thank you, Andrew from Devon.

He says, I worked very hard to produce this entirely original jingle composition as an alternative pompadou jingle.

I hope that this is a credit to the author's original work.

It is tastefully inspired by.

Okay, let's see what he's done here.

Very faithful so far to the Patreon jingle.

Oh, it's the Patreon jingle.

It's time

for pompadou section.

Oh no.

Pompado.

Oh no.

Oh god.

Oh god.

Pompado.

Oh god.

He says pompadou in a weird way.

Ah!

Do you know what that was like?

That was like

a very loved person in your family, maybe a mother or an aunt.

You tap them on the shoulder, they turn around, they've got the face of a horse.

Yes, it wasn't

uncanny and weird and just creepy.

And

something about saying pompidu rather than pompiduits under my skin, and it really creeps, really creeped me out.

Because we don't get much of a chance to get through pompadu jingles, I've got a few.

Should we play some more?

Yes, please.

Yeah, honestly.

James has sent a technical death metal version of the pompidou jingle.

Okay,

And now it's time for

Pompidou section.

Pompidou.

Pompadou.

I think that works with trees.

Quite good.

It's great stuff.

We also had this from Micah.

Thank you, Micah.

Why is it called Pompidou?

Because at the Compadu Centre, you can see

the

tubes.

You can see the escalator

from underneath.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, push to six.

Wow.

I think Mike has managed to pompadoo the bombadoo jingle.

He's pompadou, pompadoo.

Yeah, I think that's a great, that's a great feat.

You know what that was like?

That was like tapping your mum on the shoulder.

She turns round and she's got my face.

And you just start dancing and you don't know why.

you don't know if you're enjoying it or not but you're still doing it

you think you feel safe maybe

but then you start kissing then you start kissing oh god uh this is from joe from marple thank you joe

antiques world

the first fully global antiques tv program

That was great, Joe from Alpha.

Good.

Yeah.

Get Fiona Bruce involved.

Yes, or Oscar Samony style.

Yes, it was Oscar Saminy style.

Yes.

Yeah.

The Oscar for Best Three Bean Salad podcast goes again to Shag's Mary Danoy.

Oh, yeah.

So quickly, so my thing was Universal CCTV.

Just would that be better?

Because, you know, I'm not doing anything criminal, so

keep it a go.

Keep it up.

Keep it a great Africa.

It's a great, yeah.

If you, if you haven't done anything wrong, you've nothing to fear.

Liberitarian slave.

No, no, no, no.

But Mike, what I'll add to that is, but genuinely, though.

Nice.

Yeah.

They'd have heard that from Despots.

What am I going to do that anyone gives a shit about?

You watch me go around my business.

Oh, Henry's had three dumps today.

I don't care if you know that.

I might not have done, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

And the other quick one was just in terms of distinguishing between a mouse and a rat,

which is where we started.

It's about a long, unkempt snout.

But also, weirdly, that's also the same thing that's different between a dog and a wolf

from an illustrator's point of view.

You just make the snout longer and unkempt.

And I'm not sure, but I think, I think it might be the same with horse v.

Donkey.

Because every animal has its dark shadow, doesn't it?

Frog and toad?

Exactly.

Frog and toad.

Every animal has its dark shadow.

Frog has toad.

Horse has donkey.

Mouse has rat.

Yeah, like a sort of Wari-O version of every animal.

Dog has wolf.

Wolf has werewolf.

Werewolf has Tori and P.

Thank you.

I'll have to edit that out because John made you.

I'll pay Master.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just snip that out.

Yeah, so bee has wasp?

Yes.

Yes, that's a good one.

Butterfly has moth.

Butterfly has moth.

Oh, my God.

Snake has eel?

Oh, yes.

Well, when I'd say eel has snake.

Depends on your point of view, doesn't it?

Rabbit has scorpion.

Not hair.

No, yeah.

Rabbit has hair.

Yeah, but they're both quite neutral, aren't they?

But hair is a bit more wild, a bit more folk horror.

And into boxing, they're like a punch-up a hair, don't they?

You know, they're violent.

Yeah, you could be beaten up by a hair.

What about crab?

Sparrow has crow.

Is crab on its own?

I'd say hand has crab.

Hand has crab, of course.

Okay, so this week's topic, as sent in by George.

Thanks, George.

Thank you, George.

Or perhaps George.

George.

George.

I say that because he's from Stockport.

Ah, the Cherbourg of the North.

The Renaissance.

Great.

Where do we begin?

Literally where?

When did it bloody happen, mate?

I mean, what a great choice.

I mean, what a great choice of podcast to ask to do this.

Yes.

Yeah.

There's such a dearth of high-quality historical podcasts at the moment.

You know what?

This has actually fallen quite well for me.

How so?

Because I know shitloads about Le Renaissance.

Do you?

No.

No.

I was going to bluff it.

I thought thought bluff it hard, lean hard into the anti-truth.

That's what I was doing.

No, false reason you are because last night I watched.

Oh no, this is becoming, you're going to think that I'm going this way in life, but last night I did watch an antiques-based TV show.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

I'm becoming an antiques guy, not in a cool, sexy, love joy way.

Last night.

So, okay.

Can we talk about the death of linear television?

Yeah.

That's part of the Renaissance.

The TV Renaissance.

The new Renaissance.

The digital renaissance.

The digital renaissance

is absolutely taking.

Have you ever just gone on to see what's on linear TV lately?

Recently, my broadband contract came to an end.

And through my broadband contract, we've got like a TV box thing.

That's part of it.

And we never ever use it.

And so you have to ring up and renegotiate because they do that thing where it's like, no, it's going to be £90.

And then you move up and say, that's silly.

And then you do the merry dance, you do the merry dance, but you have to do the merry dance because if you don't do the merry dance, they will keep they will pull your trousers down, yeah.

They will effectively pull your trousers down, yeah.

And I hate the dance because you have to like pretend to be like a bit of an asshole basically and be like, Well, I don't think that's acceptable, actually.

And I could go elsewhere and I will take my custom elsewhere unless you buck up your idea, sir.

Yeah, you have to be like that.

And if I sound like I'm Professor David Starkey, that's because I am Professor David Starkey.

This is a false name I use.

That's the way to do it.

As soon as you hit Starkey, you get put through to a special person.

Anyway, I had to make a decision because

I said, look, we don't use the TV thing.

Nobody watches TV anymore.

So you could take that off and it could be cheaper, right?

And they said, no, if we take it off, it's more expensive.

You know, is that thing.

So TV has become something that they pay you for?

Basically.

Well, basically, it turned out that I've got myself a new deal that I'm happy with.

And in order to have that deal, I wanted to have slightly faster internet to make sure that 3B and Saturday could go ahead in the seamless way it's happening right now.

I had to have

TV and

their mega 250 channels package.

Good God, God's sake.

And it was like cheaper if I did that, so I had to have it.

That's the sort of thing, as a child, I would have been so excited by that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know, but not anymore.

It would, yeah, it would have been just a wow.

But that's because we're now in a horizontal, no, we're now in a vertical data landscape and not a horizontal data landscape.

Hi, I'm Henry Packenheimer.

Welcome to my podcast.

I have seven billion listeners.

I was looking through the 250 channels to be like, what have I got here?

Like, is this, is it, is there anything good about this?

And the answer is no.

And some of those channels, like, there's a channel that only plays episodes of Come Dine With Me.

And the channel's called Come Dine With Me.

See, that's vertical.

That's not horizontal.

That's essentially streaming for people who can't work out streams.

That's yeah, it's a YouTube channel, isn't it?

Basically, yeah.

That's strange.

Because it used to be, yeah, what I think of, yeah is like when you're in it you go in a hotel room and there's you flick through the channels and there's movies for men documentaries for men you know

bravo x bravo monkey bravo big boys do you stay in in in nov not novo phallos hotels i have done yes

i've never had that i've never had a male themed tv thing

there's a men in the there's a whole thing there's such and such for men i think they know that i'm because i'm so i'm urban i'm not really i'm don't really believe in that.

Just not like that.

I, for example, think it's okay to be sensitive and hug.

For example, which neither of you are into.

That 250 channel thing, that is such a desperate death throw of the analogue world, isn't it?

To be offering 250 channels.

That is the equivalent of when cars are coming in, going, going to a shopping, going, can I buy a car?

And then going, no, but I'm prepared to offer you 250 horses.

That's basically what's happened.

Which was happening about 100 years ago.

That's exactly how it works.

Exactly.

And this horse is just for men.

And this is our come dine with me horse.

That makes a terrible, terrible paella.

I could read you the list of the channels that I have.

Okay.

To see if there's anything exciting in there.

And we're talking about, by the way, just people know,

this is the Deji Renaissance, isn't it?

So 250 channels.

Yeah.

Bearing in mind, if you watch a different channel a day, you wouldn't be able to watch all of them before you die.

And that, yes, Ben, that is my way of announcing that I've ordered an autumn hit on you.

Oh, it's nice that it's autumn, though, isn't it?

I thought it would be nicer for it to be autumn.

I can just imagine my lifeless body sitting amongst those golden leaves.

The golden leaves crackling on you.

Yeah.

Little boys and girls kicking their way through your corpse.

Yeah, stumbling on it.

Yeah.

Mummy, mummy, we found a corpse.

It's an autumn corpse.

We don't need to make a guy this year.

We can just just burn the corpse on the fire

i'm going to keep my conkers in his asshole

and then quietly almost imperceptible a fully park camouflaged walls sausage van

three men in dark suits come out and they haul ben off yeah bye everyone for the chipolata range The offal goes into the sausages, the skin into the ice cream.

That's how walls work.

And that's how walls keep their prices down.

So, actually, are we all complicit in it in a way?

Yes.

Anyway.

Okay.

The channels.

I've got the normal channels, but I've also got CNN International.

Create and Craft.

Drama.

Drama Plus One.

E4, E4 Plus One.

E4 Extra.

Euronews.

Film 4.

Film 4 plus 1.

Food Network.

France 24 English HD.

Can I just pause you, Ben?

So

plus 1 means an hour hour later.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, how completely irrelevant is that concept now

in the vertical data landscape that we live in?

True.

An hour later, what is an hour?

And hours don't exist anymore.

There's just now.

There's just now.

There's just now.

That's all there is.

There's now.

France24 English HD.

Gems TV.

Gems.

Get moving pop-up.

What is gems?

Is gems like cultural gems or literal

selling you actual gems?

That'll be selling rings and stuff, won't it?

Yeah, some of the rings.

It'll be made of things like zirconium.

Yeah.

Or like

semi-non-precious.

So it's not like it's the David Jason back catalogue or something like that.

If only.

Now on Gems TV, a series of David Jason-inspired jewelry pieces.

This fascinator

is only £75.99.

Rendered in Australian Opal the words, You Plonker, Rodney.

The perfect way to propose to a loved one.

The God channel.

Of course, yeah.

HGTV.

HG, what's HG?

Heavy goods.

But looking it up, HGTV is an American cable channel that primarily broadcasts reality programming related to home improvements.

So as you say, it's kind of it's become the linear has become non-linear, hasn't it?

It's become effectively YouTube channels.

Everything's in a genre, basically.

And you just want to.

Yeah, exactly.

Legend Extra.

Essentially, we are being culturally fed our own sick.

Welcome to Three Being Sunday

Bollocks for Simpletons,

plus one.

But if you are going to eat your own sick, you might as well do it with a bib, and that's where we come in.

We are a sort of cultural bib, a cultural bib.

Um,

Islam channel, Islam Channel Urdu, yeah, ITVB, Jewelry Maker, Legend, Local TV, NHK World Japan, Now 70s, Now 80s, Now 90s, Paramount.

I'd be up for those ones.

Is that just top of the pops type stuff?

I assume that's just music, yeah.

PBS America, Sky Mix, Pop, Quest Plus One, Quest Red, QVC, QVC Style, QVC Beauty, Really, True Crime Extra, S4C, Sky Arts, Sky News, Sky Sports, The Smithsonian Channel, The Sony Channel,

Sony Movies, Sony Movies Action, Sony Movies Classic, Talking Pictures, Talk TV, Tiny Pop, TJ C HD, together.

Yesterday, yesterday plus one.

And then there's more.

You know what this is making me want to do?

This is making me want to go out into the wilderness, out into the mountains, into a little cabin that's got Wi-Fi and watch that now, now 90s channel.

I think I'd love to do that.

Completely undisturbed.

Completely undisturbed for once.

I've got one for you, Mike.

Okay.

It's called Discovery Shed.

Brilliant.

This channel features programming covering fishing, DIY, construction, cars, bikes, and outdoor extreme adventure.

It's completely targeted at provincial middle-aged men.

Yeah, I mean, it's borderline far-right preppers.

It's not far off.

Build your own corrugated iron safety zone.

No emotions can penetrate.

To bring it back from the digital Renaissance to the Italian Renaissance.

Oh, yeah.

So last night I was going through the channels again.

It was Bloody Apprentice, a lot of our usual stuff.

And I was like bemoaning the state of linear television.

And then there was like another antiques thing.

It was, I can't remember what it was, what even the concept was.

Oh, was it the one where you each get a horse and you have to put as many, you have to buy as many antiques as the horse can take before it buckles?

That's right.

So it's kind of like a buckaroo.

It's high-stakes buckaroo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So this one, this one, they tried to get seven grandfather clocks on a shetland.

But the one, the one last night was, it was something like country homes or something.

I don't know.

But there was like a guy, there was like a posh guy and a lady and they were going around an old stately home.

And you know what, as I watched it, I thought, I do quite want to find out what's in that stately home, to be honest.

They get you.

That's how they get you.

Because at the moment, I thought, I don't know what's in that stately home.

And later, I could know.

If I stop watching now, I'll never know.

So they went into the stately home.

It was a lovely stately home.

It was a really gorgeous stately home, Ben.

It was.

Why do you say Ben?

I don't know.

Just sometimes I have to focus in on one of you to

see what you, how you'd react.

It's divide and conquer.

Divide and conquer.

But they also had some really well-designed gardens, Mike.

Yes.

Take out Mike with the gardens, take out Ben with the interiors.

He's split us up and he's making little judgments about what we would be into.

Exactly.

Particularly because he knows how hard you've been working on your tulips in your garden.

Exactly.

So to suggest you wouldn't be interested in the...

But Ben, you'd have loved the paintings on the staircase.

Mike probably wouldn't have been so.

interested in those.

But Mike would have done some lovely stuff with the back garden, Ben, wouldn't he?

Probably wouldn't have been able to.

Oh, if he gets to kitchen garden, then we're in real trouble.

Oh, yeah.

Chives!

My emotional chives.

It was nice of him.

And they found a painting in there.

And this is the other classic thing.

Was it quite good?

It was quite good.

The tall posh bloke was like, I think this might be

an Edvardo Bandundi.

He thinks it's a Bandundi.

Some people aren't sure.

They take it to London and

enough, 50 minutes ago, I was a cool London guy with my own coffee grinder.

But now the cool guy is in the basement of a major auction house and

he's just someone they've found out who's wearing enough cordroy and or tweets to make an assessment of the Bandundi.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And then suddenly I'm a guy watching a man with layers of cordroy upon cordroy.

He's got cordroy where they've put cordroy in the gaps between the cordroy.

So he's gone full roy it's not even corded it's just full roy on his trousers could i have been that guy had my life gone on a different path you know could i handle that degree of roy but i'm watching him and this is the moon when you know you've lost it i'm watching him dipping a little sort of earbud thing into a special pot of liquid and cleansing the surface varnish off the surface of the painting

and bringing out the lustrous colours underneath and it was really hitting for you wasn't it

was really really great i loved loved it it was just in a fienda poster of john mcenroe shouting at an umpire but it was a rare one of john mcenroe wearing the little skirt and scratching his bottoms which is very rare and he didn't want it to get out

that's why band bandini was painting over them that's why band that's why bandini was it wasn't allowed to photograph it was only had to paint it incredibly fast

So did it turn out to be the priceless painting?

Spoiler alert, they then brought in an expert.

It was quite weird, this, in a way, because the expert just went,

you know what?

I really think this is a bandini.

It gives me the bandini feeling.

That's what the expert said.

And in the final scene,

he takes the painting back to the people in this house and announces to them, well, guys, it's a big moment.

I can confirm this is a bandini.

But it's like, hang on.

In the opinion of one bloke, probably.

Yeah, probably.

It was a woman.

And the woman had said, I think this is a bandini.

And if you think something is a bandini, it is a bandini, apparently.

She went, it's a a bandini.

He was called Bandande earlier.

Well, that's the twist, Ben.

There is no bandini.

There is only Bandandi.

And I am Bandandi.

And then he machine gunned them all.

I wasn't expecting it to go that way.

But that's Gems TV.

That's Gems TV for you.

But this painter was a Renaissance painter.

Okay.

So this was a a Renaissance master.

He wasn't called Bandando or Bandini.

He was Dutch, so he can't be called.

I can't remember what he was called.

But he'd been the head painter to the King of Spain.

Oh, cool.

He'd gone over to Spain, done some very famous paintings of the King of Spain.

And he had this thing where

his heads in the portrait were always higher up than you'd expect.

It's a long-necked people.

But the genius of Bandando is you don't notice the long neck

because it's so bejewelled.

Because Because it'll be like a sort of spaniel curled up on it or something.

They'll have a spaniel curled up on it, or maybe a dead trout to represent death

wrapped around it.

You know, they do that thing when they say, oh, it's so full of symbolism in these paintings.

For example, you know, look at this.

This skull represents death.

You're like, no shit.

This clock

represents time.

This fruit represents fruit.

Exactly.

You know what?

That is such bad symbolism.

If that happened in an episode of East Enders, you'd be like, this is one of the worst episodes of East Enders I've ever seen.

If

Grant Mitchell was holding a skull.

Yeah, if Grant Mitchell was holding a skull, go, oh, God.

I suppose it comes for all of us in the end, doesn't it?

Hold up a skull.

You'd be like, that's the worst.

I've got a bad feeling about today.

That's the worst episode of East Enders I've ever seen.

You'd be saying the other thing this guy did, right, in his paintings was everyone would always be, they wouldn't be head on.

They would be.

They'd be head off.

They'd be head off.

So it was very much your final portrait.

It was always, you always knew it was your final one.

But it's very hard to project power when you don't have a body attached to your head, which is why he had to put the head so high up.

Why he was able to put it so high up.

So is it looking to one side, you mean?

Yeah, so no, what it is, so what the stance he went for was, I can reenact it in my frame here, which is, but basically, if you imagine me with my face head on, so it's a perfectly round

sort of peach-coloured orb.

Yeah, Henry's head.

Specks.

Which the Dutch masters would have used for their apprentices to learn about the dancing of the light.

Before you do hair, you just say something.

Eyes of a dead horse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then just lumpy.

A body which looks like...

Yeah.

It looks like

three children...

have put on a t-shirt to try and disguise themselves as some an older person to get into an 18 film in the 90s

and it's just got out of hand.

They just disguise themselves as an older older person's torso.

All they need to do is to persuade some old drunk outside to do the legs and head and arms.

And then the story was: sorry, can we come in and see Total Recall, please?

Sorry, the reason we haven't got a head is we've just had a portrait done of us done by Antonio Bandana.

Bandundor.

Yeah.

All ties together.

He put the head up towards the top of the frame, and then his paintings were always in this sort of three-quarters angle, which apparently is more powerful.

I don't if you agree, it appears to be generally more flattering.

Isn't that people do that with selfies, don't they?

Although they would do the downward angle as well, is that right?

It's downward.

Well, in a way,

here we go.

In a way, what we're looking at is kind of an opening source version of a selfie.

Welcome to BBC1!

Hello, dear dear listeners.

Little fact.

So we've just had a little strangely quiet spell here because

the way you make Henry Packer become lost for words is to encourage him to promote one of his own ventures.

It's absolutely stymied.

It's extraordinary.

That is true.

I just don't think people want to keep hearing me tooting on about my

work in progue shows.

They do want to, and they want to see them.

Because

we're all going to Mac, as you know mccuntalis festival uh may 2025 henry's got the work in progress now there's a bonus work in progress there's a bonus one a new date has been added indeed um it's on friday night so that's friday the 2nd of may

2025.

um

next friday you could almost say depending on when you're listening to this but at a minimum of next friday what do you think next friday is but let's not get into that now it's it's it's it's friday the 2nd of may it's at it's at 7 p.m

It's in...

The venue is the gym.

The gym.

Or Ben, how is it also known in Wales?

So I think...

Okay, you've not understood this.

So it says Uskolbrohuthgen, Gym.

Yes.

So that is...

Uskelbrohutgen is the name of the school.

So you're in the gym of the school.

I thought that was quite a long word for gym.

Yeah, gym in Welsh isn't Uskol Brohuthgen.

Uskol means school or ladder.

Does it?

I like that.

That's quite a good double meaning.

And then Bro Has Guns will mean something, but it's the name of the school.

I don't know.

Henry will know that by the time he gets there.

Oh, yeah.

Certainly.

But yeah, so, and the show is called Illustrator Nator, but it's a work in progress.

People are really struggling with the name.

People don't like saying it.

People don't like writing it down.

People don't like remembering it.

You need to do none of those things.

You just need to turn up.

You just need to turn up.

See what's happening.

It's an experiment, isn't it?

Yeah, and it's a lot of fun.

It involves me talking and drawing live on stage using a screen and a special piece of technology.

The hand.

The human hand.

Yeah,

so come along.

Get your tickets.

There'll be a link to the tickets for that in the show notes for this show.

Also, remember, you can still get tickets for our tour, which is upcoming in the autumn.

There are tickets left for Bristol, Brighton,

Newcastle, and Birmingham.

And also, we can exclusively reveal that we're doing an extra Leeds date.

We're doing another London date

and a Glasgow date.

But they're not yet quite ready to go on sale, but they're booked in.

Looking forward to it.

I mean, that's not the issue, is it?

I don't think there is an issue.

I think we're just conveying some insights.

Why did I say I was looking forward to it?

An issue or issues may arise.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, they'll arise at any of these events.

We don't know.

But you want to be the one because it's going to be talk about theatre, isn't it?

You want to be the one that was there when the issues do arise, if they do, which it probably will.

So you then tell your friends about it the next day.

You want to be the person that the press is asking for a photograph of so that they can put on the front page.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Who did it happen to?

Who's under that chandelier?

That's what they want to know.

And did you have bird of prey insurance?

Because that raven was

absolutely out of control.

The Three Beans Had Live Show Raven.

Who's that?

What's that audience?

Who can I hear?

It's the Three Bean Salad Raven.

It's Kevin the Raven.

Oh, he's hungry.

Don't scream.

It makes him more angry.

Everyone, stop screaming.

Why have you brought strips of beef with you?

No!

Someone's brought strips of beef.

We told you it's a no-biltong night.

What does it take to get the people of Leeds to stop eating Bill Tong for one evening?

Cream puffs and nachos.

That's it.

That's what we're bringing with you.

So, yes, I'll put a ticket link for the shows that are already on sale in the show notes.

And then at some point soon, we will announce when those

new Leeds, London, and Glasgow dates will go up.

Also, there are a very small number of tickets left for my short film screening in Manchester on Sunday.

And I'll put a link to that in the show notes too.

Right, now let's read some emails.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

like a robot chewing a horse

my beautiful horse

okay.

Let's start off with the bollocking.

Okay, accessing the listener bollocking

bollocking loading.

Bollocking loaded.

This is from Johnny and Nice.

Hello, Johnny.

Ben says that Britain wasn't eating salad 50 years ago and they were fine.

They won the war.

It's absent

straight out of the

reform propaganda,

isn't it?

Yeah, the Falklands War.

So, yeah, I think you might have preempted the shape of this bollock.

He says, this is a terrible argument against Salad because the only war that Britain was in 50 years ago, in 1975, was the Cod War.

Oh, the Cod War.

Which they lost.

What was the Cod War?

There are a few of them, I think.

Yeah, apparently it was the third Cod War.

It was fishermen having fights with Icelandic fishermen about fishing rights, basically.

For cod.

But did the actual actual Navy get involved?

I think they did get involved just to tell everyone to just calm it, cool it, right?

Simmer down.

It all got a bit hilary.

So I'm accepting metabolic, fair enough.

I think it was one of those things that, as I said, I realized that World War II wasn't 50 years ago.

But in my head, it's still 1995, basically.

Yeah, fair enough.

If you boil it down, for me, it's basically 1955.

That's when your development arrested, basically.

I think it is, exactly.

Yeah.

You're safely held in the warm clench of a John Major administration.

I've got a very vivid memory of being in school on the 50th anniversary, the VE Day, on the 50th anniversary of the end of the Second World War in Europe, yeah, in May 1995.

Strong memory.

The reason I've got the strong memory is we all got given a mug.

The government paid for every child in Britain to have a VE Day mug.

You didn't get a mug.

Wait, you should have done Mike.

I was in the school there.

No, maybe it wasn't the government.

Maybe it was just Cardiff Council.

I mean, if it was, I mean, my school would have absolutely leapt all over that.

And of last year.

You were in a kind of military garrison, basically.

Pretty much.

You probably just got sort of one of those strings of bullets that you can put around you.

Or something.

You would have got something more overtly militaristic, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Just a pith helmet and put on center duty for 48 hours.

Also, because you've got a different component of a Gatling gun, didn't you, every year?

And then on your final day of school, you can actually operate the gun fully.

That's right.

I've got the special bayonet that you can attach to a Gatling gun.

That's incredibly cumbersome,

but quite frightening to the opposition.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I think, Mike, the reason you don't have one is that you weren't in primary school.

Oh, right.

I see.

Yes, I was in secondary school.

I think all primary school children were given a mug.

And they wouldn't have appreciated it.

It's ridiculous.

Whereas we would have absolutely loved it.

I would have cherished that mug.

Where's that mug now?

I don't know.

I don't know where that mug is now.

Used to store paintbrushes for three months and then smashed on the floor, no doubt.

I've got a rare rip princess diana tea towel from 1996 signed by prince philip the year before she died

coincidence

staying on the topic of history we've had an email from byron um now this has potentially wide-ranging effects the what's what's contained in this email okay

Especially for Henry Pecker

and his nascent religion, Packard,

Which, although it's a religion, is also a kind of political movement based on Beaker nationalism, right?

That's right, yes.

Yes.

Dear Beans, just wondering whether anyone has pointed out to you yet that the Beaker people were not the original inhabitants of Britain, but came over from the continent.

That's a vile conspiracy and a vile lie.

Burn the heathen, or at least give them a dead arm.

They replaced the cultures that built Stonehenge and other Neolithic monuments.

So Stonehenge is pre-Beaker people.

Can I say that is a widely spread untruth.

There is a schism within the packaging.

It is my belief that Beaker is a, and I think the clue is in the word beaker.

It's a British word.

It's in English.

I think.

Well, it's an English word, isn't it?

Beaker.

Okay.

Think about it.

Where's it probably from?

So yeah, there's a whole lot of Neolithic dudes who were replaced by the Beakers.

Where did they come from?

Where are the Beakers from then, did he say?

The continent.

The continent?

So the Beakers will be pro-ID card, presumably.

Probably, but very anti-CCTV.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whereas Pacadonia is very much a pro-CCTV related.

It's a universal CCTV.

Which is what Stonehenge was originally designed for.

Well, that's why it's all facing outwards, isn't it?

It's a circle.

It's an eye from above.

It's the exact same shape as an eye if an eye is perfectly round.

So they'd have one druid sitting on each rock looking out.

Yeah.

and that was their cctv so only spread as far as the um

a302 a303 a303 uh beth emails dear beans i would like to sincerely thank henry for sharing his love of romeo's tune by steve forbert yes i'm so glad i was hoping there'd be some forbert love coming in i listened along to it and it was so absolutely fundamentally dog shit that it completely killed my nascent crush on henry leaving me a much happier and less mentally conflicted person.

God.

Oh, Henry.

Well, I've been on a real emotional journey

over the last 10 seconds.

So you're cowling.

I don't really know what to say.

Have you been gamed?

Was that an egg or was that a next level?

What's beyond an egg?

What is that?

I've been mentally pancaked.

It's no left and right.

I don't know what's going on.

Self-esteem shredding.

I think the best thing is cover me in Nutella and roll me up and give me to a French school boy

right now.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

Oh, blow me.

I mean, I've been listening back to that Stephen Forebert song a few times since last week.

Yeah.

And actually, I have become less convinced that it's a good song,

but more convinced that I like it.

So I don't know where that leaves us.

Final one from Mark.

Dear Beans, returning from a recent trip to Paris,

I spotted your very own resident Francophile, Henry Packer, in front of me in the luggage queue at Gare de Nord.

Yes, or it was one of the 2.5 billion other bald men on Earth.

Of course, I thought, here he is in his natural habitat, the birthplace of Pretamonger.

Thinking fast, I shouted Pompadou to get his attention.

At which point, Henry turned around and two things happened.

One, it became very clear that Henry was in fact an elderly and very confused Frenchman.

Okay.

I'm already a pancake, so I don't know what I am now.

What's flatter than a pancake?

And two, I look like a giddy tourist loudly listing highlights from his little trip to the city of light.

Can you please confirm if Henry's in fact an old French man?

Thanks kindly, Mark.

No, I'm not that.

But I do have a fleet of body doubles

who I deploy around the world to stem off assassination attempts.

Yeah.

So it's probably one of them.

Oh, Henry, Henry, you're going to need a big old lie down after this.

I'm going to need a real lie down after this.

I'm so flattened, I feel I need to be sort of mashed back into shape and reform.

But will I reform myself in exactly the right shape?

It feels like a start-again job to me.

It's probably a start-again job, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm going to need a new soul.

I'm trying to find an email.

I'm trying to find an email, Henry, that will g you up.

Okay, thank you.

Yep, I'll try this one.

This is from Gleb.

Ben, can it not be so obviously from someone you've just made up?

Oh, you make an effort, mate.

Oh, yeah, that's why I found a really positive one from you, Henry.

It's from Dr.

Randapoon.

He says, Henry's quite good in some ways.

Henry's quite good in some ways.

This is from Gleb.

Okay, thanks, Gleb.

Dear Beans, owing to your politically neutral stance, I doubt this will get red out of the air.

But I just want to say that while I am a huge fan of the podcast in general, I was disappointed that you chose to spend so much time talking about Henry's Keir Stamer pub anecdote.

Okay.

He's completely underqualified for the job.

All he does is waffle on without actually doing anything.

And I'm sure there are a fair few people who would agree with me that he's running this country into the ground.

Maybe if he spent a bit less time watching Arsenal and mixing with liberal elites in the pub, and a bit more time getting this shit show back on track, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I guess it's kind of cool that Kier Starmer was in there too, though.

Oh,

lovely,

really lovely, really good, really good.

Gleb,

you've done a beautiful switcheroo

and you've made it satirical.

I mean, that's the oh, it's the satiru, Roo.

It's the Satira Roo.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old Satira Roo.

Okay, yeah, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that.

What?

Hang.

I thought you were trying to say...

Oh, he's gone the other...

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that...

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So

what he said before wasn't like...

I thought it...

No, he's gone the other way around from there.

Oh, God.

It's the old satiru.

But I also erode you, Henry, because far from being able to build you up, that was another pack of slam.

Oh, slamaroo.

Well done, I mean, Gleb, your badge is in the post, of course.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Although, right back in your face, Gleb, at least my name isn't, if you spell it the other way around, the first four letters of Belgium.

What a wonderfully specific burn.

The worm has turned, hasn't it, Gleb?

What's Henry backwards?

It's time

to play the ferryman.

Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon.

Thank you.

You can get bonus episodes.

You can get ad-free episodes.

This is the end of the series for us, but the fun continues over on Patreon through our month off.

Yes,

there'll still be weekly content, won't there?

There will be a straight way over on Patreon.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tea, you get a shout-out from Mike.

Indeed, you do.

From the Sean Bean Lounge.

And you were there last night, weren't you, Mike?

I was, yeah, yeah, of course.

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, it was a big night last night, wasn't it?

Because it was the Amnesty on Toffee Hammers.

It was.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was the amnesty on toffee hammers last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.

This always has the potential to erupt, and so Neil Marshall declared Neil Law, which in the event of acts of civil disobedience grants non-neals the powers of a kneel and immunity from prosecution for vigilante acts.

To attract those shy of handing in their toffee hammers, a thick sheet of toffee was spread across the entire lounge by Steve, Rachel Kay, Emma B, Electron Gap, Jenny Bradley, and Dan Tarantino, and hardened by Becky Thomas, S.M., Jacob Little, Ruby Thompson, Simon Benger, Christopher Torres, and Lena Scheffer, using hair dryers, blowtorches, and the surprisingly warm breath of Stuart Pickering.

Toffee wafting was performed by Sam Watkins, Zanna, Lloyd Farrell, Abby Hiskey, Peter Jensen, Gumba Duck, Hannah Moffat, Emily the Gremlin, and Ollie Risvey, and soon the valleys and glens surrounding the lounge were awash with toffee scent.

The mayor of Beansville, Verity Budd, instructed her citizenry to gather their toffee hammers and set them at a quick march towards the lounge.

Meanwhile, at the lounge, in case of trouble, Jimmy Greenwood, Joe Watton, Bettina Saunders, John McLeod, and Zion Serpassin were melting the toffee again in case it needed to be used as a trap.

Fluffy Mitts, Justin Malone, Joe, Iggy Gray, David Meyer, and Anthony Halsley varnished the mahogany shackles.

Adam Foy, Mary Joy, Denise Anderson, Harvard Unthenson, Nick Kittle, Libby Smith, and Dale gave the Bean Dungeon a much-needed look of paint.

And Aiden McClure, Gordon Cook, Tar Marie, Matthew Cross, Selwyn Froggett, and Webb Webster prepared nibbles.

Nick Martin, Mrs.

Macker, and Ali Millar pointed out that for those unwilling to hand in their toffehammers, it would be all too easy to exit the lounge straight after entering.

To prevent this, they devised a series of one-way turnstiles using sections of Theo Tucker, Donald Keel, Alex O'Neill, Chris McParland, Christopher Hanscombe, and Matt that tend not to get used much.

Vicki Allen, first of her name, conducted a survey to see who among those involved in holding the amnesty knew the difference between a toffee hammer, a claw hammer, a sledgehammer, and a yellow hammer.

The results were dismal.

And Taloozy Boo, Paul Abthorpe, Lauren Wilson Davis, Judith Boylan, James Ayres, Tom Kettlety, Matthew Wollstonecroft, Furluce, Emogen Campbell, Dave Massey, Andy the Quill Dickinson, Brennan Reeves, Chase Gilbert, Daniel Hunter, and Yara Sabine all had to be stripped of their kneel powers and were told to wait things out in the Sean Bean on suite and play human or frozen sausage Jenga until we were done.

Joe Cousin Joe Nowitzki was the first to spot the throng entering the Bean Lounge Avenue driveway, began to let out a warning cry and was silenced by pummelling at the hands of Rob Sage, Emily Ashley Cooper and Ben Cooper in order not to spook the new arrivals.

The sight of a man being pummelled by what could only be hardback Grishams in knee-length woolen socks had the reverse effect and panic ensued.

This panic manifested in different ways.

Hannah Tolley, Denise McCorkle, Pants Before Socks, Stuart Bottomley, Hayes, Olivia Heston, Joe Blamey, Hugh Jass and Joanne Smith all reflexly wrote a letter to their local member of parliament.

Lou Luke Davis, Neil McGiddis, David Bryden, Thomas Lynn, Jay Bompf, Jim, Tim Butters, Justin Tilley, Andrew Eustace and Tom Burton retreated into the childhood memories of retired F1 racing driver Nigel Mensell.

Paul Freeman, Dan Meek, Ben Parkinson, Lucy Williams, Jimmy Greenwood, the Cardiff Bean Mafia, Jim Bob Stupot, Tom Pearson, Kim Britton, Kate Haynes and Andrew Dodd claimed asylum in the cloud.

John Paul Andrews, Hannah Toms, Ross McDermott, Barney Goodland, Tim B., Pete Bright, Sam's pal, Uncle Bongo, Susie Byrne, Kath the Badger Adams, Bonnie C., Louisa and all of her cats all experienced the rare fight and flight response but made the most of it by holding an impromptu airborne judo competition.

Kenzie and Cal, the Evil K-Twins, Phil Lowe, Richard and Sam Bridgewater, Soggy T, Lisa McLeod Whiting, Harry Powney, Dan, Tim, Ben, the Bandit Men and Kate Byron Dixon completed their bucket lists and handed over all their passwords to their next of kin.

Robin Davies, Shaunicus, Dr.

Tiddlybits, Livy Allie P., Rachel K., John College, Karina Matthi, Rob Wannacott, Betty Grove and Sam Nutting set fire to a 5G mast, ate their phones and went to live off the land as reintroduced beavers.

Danny, Mike Rev, Debbie Vanny, Ginger Ned Blake, Rory Underhill, Joanna Pooley, Leslie Alical, and Vic all went completely translucent.

Helen Banks, Choppe, Joden, Alex King, Ethan Anderson, Georgie, Michaela Evans, Eric Salmon, Mason Pratt, Jess, Bienka Cajella, and Tasmania Beanbags panicked by forming a brass band and marching through Cheshire which only caused the panic to spread further.

Meanwhile the only person to drop a toffehammer off in the amnesty bin was Alison Stenton.

Although rumour has it she has a second one stuffed in her left boot which is for personal use and which she refuses to surrender.

Thanks all.

Alright let's finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by Wannie Ulot.

Yes please.

James from Manchester says, hello beans.

Hello James.

Hello.

While going through presets on my guitar effects unit, I found a classic country sound.

So please find attached a country slide guitar version of the main theme.

To annoy Henry, the guitar used was a Fender Made in Mexico telecaster in three colour sunburst and a fender jazz-based in piano.

All anyone cares about is does it belong to Steve Forberg?

And the effects unit is a neural DSP quad cortex.

Oh my god.

Kind of gods, James from Manchester.

Yeah, so we'll play that.

That's the end of the series.

We'll see you over on Patreon for May or back on the main feed in June in the summer, no less.

See you then.

See ya.

Bye.

Goodbye.