Language

What's really been bothering me lately is

it's something that people don't talk about enough.

And I think it's up there with one of the most annoying things in the world.

Wow.

And that is

wind.

The wind.

The wind.

I think about this all the time.

I absolutely hate the wind.

I do.

I like a bit of wind.

No, no, no.

Okay.

Well, look, good.

The battle lines have been drawn.

But can I say, I crossed the floor on this issue.

You crossed the floor?

Yeah.

Even though, despite or with the support of Black Rod.

Okay.

It's one of the few issues on which I've changed my mind in my life in such a black and white fashion.

Wow.

So I was like, Mike, oh, the wind's fun.

Oh, kites.

Absolute bullshit.

Kites are a lie.

Have you ever, you've seen a kite in the sky?

Follow that line down from the ends of that kite.

You know where it ends up?

The Ministry of Defence.

In disguise as a nine-year-old child.

In disguise as a nine-year-old.

But I just think, I think wind, I think kites are there to make us think wind is okay.

They're a sort of coping strategy.

Anyway, come on, Karen.

Ben.

So, yes, similarly, like I thought, kites were fun.

Obviously, wind-generated electricity is the future of electricity generation.

Yeah, okay.

You know, there's all these things that wind pretends is helping us out with.

But then, and the Rubicon was crossed for me, the moment I became a homeowner, right?

And obviously, this is when everyone changes politically.

You start voting Tory, you start wearing red chinos.

You know,

you've got a stake in the country for the first time and you would defend it with your life.

You now want everyone else to sod off.

Yeah, sod off.

Your default position is now sod off.

Yeah.

It's mine.

Mine.

Mine.

Get your hands off it.

Other positions are, I pay my blimming taxes.

What am I paying them for?

Here we go.

Exactly.

But also, you've got a range of tank tops now, haven't you?

As quickly, you've got a range of woolen tank tops, which are the full spectrum from Pewce to Burgundy.

Depending on you're attending a polo match, for example, or one of the affairs of state.

Henry, do you want to see my tank top?

I want to see your tank tops.

Okay, give me two secs.

So he's got Pews, he's got Burgundy, everything between.

So that's Madeira, Marsala.

Oh, yeah, there's a couple of holiday tank tops in there as well.

There's a couple of what?

Hyundai's?

Well, yes, Hyundai tank tops, of course.

He's got sponsorship deals.

Yeah.

You get behind him.

Yeah, I am.

But you've got to have vacation ready, tank tops.

Oh, yeah.

So here we go.

As I was given the keys to this home that I now pay the mortgage on,

they said, here's the keys.

Enjoy your new home.

And here's your tank top.

And here's your tank.

Such a lovely moment.

It's an absolute classic.

What do we for the listener?

What do we is that a Paisley?

I don't know what a Paisley pattern is.

It's Fair Isle, Mike.

For God's sake.

I do beg your pardon.

So it's actually only Tories can see that.

Only they can see the writing on it.

I'm just looking at what I think is a miscellaneous pattern.

You're just seeing a sort of white noise of fibers.

Exactly, yeah.

Whereas a Tory will see the secret lettering which jumps out and it says Thatcher was broadly right.

Thatcher was broadly right, isn't it?

Thatcher was broadly right.

Donate here to Crowdfund for Lazarating Thatcher.

Rolling four billion away from reanimating her cremated brain.

Thatcher 2.0.

Using Heseltine's spine.

And Lamont's ears.

Obviously, if you look at the washing instructions, it says

heat at 60 degrees, which is hot, but not as hot as the atmos was.

So, that's bearing in mind what the ROA was doing.

She was working in really tough conditions, so throw her some slack, isn't it?

There's a lot of apologist, apologist, and washing instructions.

And so, my wind position

is that as soon as I owned a little bit of bricks and mortar, every time the wind happens, which is quite a lot,

and more than I ever realized before, I now notice the wind.

I think, well, the gutter's coming off, my roof's blowing off.

Yes, I've got some kind of rattan patio furniture now, which sits in my dark back garden.

That's in danger.

I see.

You see, I have had a fence blow down in some high winds only.

Exactly.

Exactly.

But despite that, I mean, it was coming down anyway.

It was an old rotting piece of wood.

You know, we're replacing it with plants.

You know.

You're replacing it with plants.

Yeah.

What?

What about your boundaries, Mike?

Protect your boundaries.

Yes, boundaries.

You didn't really believe in boundaries before, did you, Ben?

No.

Suddenly, it's all about boundaries.

Protect your boundaries.

Protect your boundaries.

And more to the point, protect your life-size David Starkey figurine,

which straddles your chimney, doesn't it?

Legs akimbo.

And

he's got a Union Jack.

Bunting dispenser coming out of his ass, hasn't he?

Yeah.

Which you can just tug on.

And that's unlimited.

I absolutely fucking hate wind.

It's as bad as rain.

But there's a cult for some reason we don't talk about it.

Like when you're walking down the street or you're trying to do something, you're trying to get something out of your bag, something you're hit by wind.

It's incredibly irritating.

It's basically a bloke.

If a bloke was wind, he'd be a dick.

If you were trying to get something out of your bag and a bloke came up to you and started pushing you over and sort of whistling in your face, blowing in your ear.

But because he's invisible, we don't slag him off.

And that's wind's great power.

I think.

I think maybe it's because

we all slag off rain.

Everyone, like rain is irritating.

We all find rain irritating.

There's a culture of being annoyed with rain.

Well, we also need rain more than we need wind, right?

Yeah, rain sustains.

I mean, also, rain, because rain has a kind of romance to it as well, because it's clear what rain

has a sort of clear meaning.

We know what rain is.

It's an annoying problem that also sustains veg growth.

And it's quite useful for sort of sort of mawkish scenes in romantic movies that's the thing so it also has this like it has some kind of like tangential meanings like it's romantic kissing in the rain kiss has it kissing in the wind

has anyone ever said darling i'd love to make sweet sweet love to you in the wind

in a gale force three in a gale force three to four

to see it buffeting you

As the moss flies off the tiles of the roofs.

Do you not find the wind invigorating?

Absolutely not.

Well, I used to, but now I'm just thinking about my fence, Mike.

What about even a light breeze?

How do we feel about a light breeze?

Perhaps even a wisp of a zephyr?

But that's just a reminder of what power it's holding.

Yeah, to me, that's like the opening, the exchange.

That's like a heavyweight boxer just sort of like flirting, you know, like flirting.

Just pressing your face with the palm of his hand.

Just pressing my face gently before we go in the ring to remind me of what he's got.

And to remind me that I really shouldn't be here.

How the hell has this happened?

This was not.

I don't know how the who do I call to get over this.

How the hell did this happen?

The crowd are aware of mistakes been made.

They don't care.

Now and again, they want to see it very one-sided, don't they?

sometimes they do it's not even for charity it's but for charity the king's here the king's gold's in the box he just walked into the box

he says he wants to have the first pop oh god he's getting his regal gloves on

also he's got a sports bag in the shape of a coffin which is to my exact dimensions

this is not filling me with confidence mate

What was the question?

Mike was saying, is a breeze not nice?

Yeah.

Yeah, gentle breeze, particularly on a warm day.

The breeze is like

a tiger purring.

It's a mafia, it's a mafia guy who's given me some bolognese, a plate of bolognese to eat, but in it, there's one of my own, my hands.

So it's like, what am I eating?

How am I even eating it?

How have I ended up in this situation?

I'd got through the boxing ring.

I thought I'd just go to a Pizza Express and chill out, and now this has happened.

An absolute shocker.

This is turning into one of the worst days of my life.

As long as it's not windy for the bike ride home.

Oh, no, I'm not.

I haven't really done it.

So I'm wearing this fleece at the moment.

I'm also wearing a very similar fleece.

We've done another thing where we're quite satirically coordinated.

There's a link, like, was it a yellow t-shirt linking the green t-shirt?

It's happening naturally, isn't it?

It's lovely.

morphing into bland man,

the most vanilla man possible.

His colour is somewhere between beige mustard and taupe.

It's not worth defining.

So one thing I've been noticing because I'm constantly taking off and putting on this fleece, right?

All the time because I can never get the temperature right.

I'm hot indoors, I'm cold outdoors and hot outdoors.

Everything's all the time.

So something I've noticed, right, is

this is quite an unusual thing, but so whenever when i take my fleece off i do this thing which i've started naturally doing because humans are fascinating and brilliant creatures yeah

we naturally learn and adapt our behavior patterns right so when i take my fleece off it has to come over my head right

so so to stop my specs coming off with it you take it down around your trousers

I take it around in my trousers.

And if I stop halfway...

I've invented the fleece kilt.

the sleeved fleece kilt.

And tie the sleeves up at the front, you've got a nice bow, maybe for a lady.

Tie the fleece up at the back, you've got a bow at the back, also, maybe for a lady or anyone, really.

Tends

it's a sort of sporron or a sort of sporan.

Stuff those sleeves with meat, and what have you got?

A horrible sausage.

You've got bait.

You've got bait

for those those rewilded hogs, boars, and beefs that are chasing you around all day.

So what I do is I take it over my head, right?

But what I've started doing, it's fascinating the way humans adapt to keep my specs on my head, right?

Now, I can't use my hands to hold them on because I'm using my hands to take off my fleece.

I can't take my specs off and put them on the ground.

No, good, good point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what I do is, and this is the first time I've ever done this.

I don't know if either of you ever do this.

I've learnt to use a facial expression

to keep my glasses on my face.

What expression is that?

And

what emotion do you need to access?

Well, exactly.

This is it.

But the emotion is random because I'm just doing something with my face.

And it's genuinely, my thought process is facial expression to hold on the glasses, pull the fleece off, and it works.

And it's the only example I've ever thought, I can think of in my life so far, where I use a facial expression to have a sort of mechanical impact the world and on my life.

But of course, what's weird about that is when you've pulled when you pull a facial expression,

it kind of creates an emotion.

Because people say, if you smile a lot, you'll become happy.

So it creates a sort of slightly random emotion.

I'm going to show you what it is now.

But genuinely, this is what I do.

So when I take off my flakes, this is what I do.

Why is the tongue so pivotal?

Honestly, that wasn't all the way out.

I didn't even know your tongue was that big.

Welcome to a new section of the podcast called Henry Packer Latterly Realizes That He's Working in a Primarily Audio Medium.

Hello, apologies, listeners.

I realize that it's an audio medium, so

I'm going to try and help you out with a little bit of a description.

So the facial expression I'm pulling is a bit like an eagle.

If you imagine an eagle's come back to its nest and has discovered that an owl is shagging its wife.

The other reference I thought might be useful for you to check, obviously not if you're driving, is the painting Screaming Pope by Francis Bacon.

I look a bit like that.

All right, thanks.

Enjoy the rest of the pod.

That was less extreme than usual because I was being self-conscious about it.

I'm stuck again.

So my process is I'm going to take the fleece off.

My glasses will come off with the fleece unless I pull this expression.

I'm going to do it again.

Because I actually held back a bit on that one.

This is genuinely what I do.

It's absolutely crazy.

You look like the baddie from a kid's cartoon who's been vanquished at the end.

No!

It's a proper sort of Pompeii Vesuvius freeze moment, isn't it?

It's Pompei Vesuvius.

It's thwarted bad guy.

And I wanted to destroy the

block of ice from his own ice ray.

If I could reverse heat, I can create the opposite effect using the same chemicals.

That's right.

It's the Friezo Ray.

It's definitely

vanquished irony, death, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You've frozen my very balls off.

And what's that?

Plink, plink.

They've fallen into a glass room and are now having a gin and tonic with my frozen balls keeping it cool.

Yeah.

And so I have to feel that emotion like about seven times a day.

Which is like extreme peril, basically.

Extreme peril.

But you're not doing that in public, are you?

Yeah, well, I'll probably.

If I saw someone doing that in public, I would put them out of their misery.

I would assume that they wanted me

to just.

Yeah, just get something through his neck.

There isn't time for a helicopter ambulance to get it it's not worth it and what state will he be in afterwards come on let's just it's the kindest thing to do is to get that bit of spare scaffolding there was a scaffold as well if we just look in that skit we'll find something in that skit there's normally something but yeah is that an old section of bollard we could probably okay get stove him in with that yeah get stove and okay and let's all stove you hold the bollard in over the top and i'll i'll i'll use this bit of fridge freezer as a sort of mallet

and we'll

shouldn't take more than four or five blows and we'll be doing him an absolutely massive favour.

If you caught his expression a second ago, please take off that fleece.

I don't know why he's asking us to take his glasses off.

He's talking nonsense.

He's not going to need his glasses when he's going.

Can I also add my opinion, which is that I don't think that face expression is actually doing anything mechanical?

No.

What can it be doing?

What can the tongue be?

How can that be helping?

The tongue, I think the tongue is just a...

and i don't know what that's i don't know what the tongue is the correct humid conditions but think about how clever the human body is how clever animals are how intelligent they are it'll be doing something it'll be

i suppose

because

i think

i think what happens is

because i i'm sort of raising my nostrils they're going up

is it like you're making your whole head swell to make the the arms of the glasses a bit tight is that what it is i think think so whole head balloons my ears are sort of 12 percent

and that's just enough and my ears are sort of folding back of ah

so they're trying to clutch your prehensile ears are trying to clutch do the the the ears are sort of fault folding back i think what it is is i'm sort of streamlining i'm streamlining my head i think what it is it's it's evolution from the evolutionary point of view it's it's the last throw of the dice which which is i'm surrounded by 2000 rats we've fully we've finished evolving is there anything else worth trying let's try a few extra things.

Let's see how that goes with this.

There's this glasses, Bloke.

Let's try something with him.

Yeah.

But we're gilding the lily at this point.

Yeah.

But yeah, is it worth, is there an extra option?

I think it's more like, you know, I've got a polar bear in front of me, and I've got a shark behind

a shark behind me.

Yeah.

So.

And you've got a lioness on your shoulders.

I've got a lioness on my shoulders.

So I'm in a kind of, I'm in a state of total amphibious panic.

I'm in the cusp of the ocean and and the sea,

on land.

I've got the polar bear on land, I've got the shark in the water, and I've got on my shoulders the lioness.

Seems to get on quite well, actually.

And you also don't know if you're hot or cold.

I don't know if I'm hot or cold because it's so bloody windy.

But I think it's about streamlining my head and then I'm just going to make a dive.

I'm going to dive, try and dive through the polar bears down his throat.

But so essentially it looks like I'm being eaten, but I'm actually controlling the narrative.

I'm diving into his throat.

And if I bury through his digestive tract, there's a good chance that by the spring I'll be out of his anus.

And then, of course, the warm weather comes.

And the sharks dissolve.

The sharks dissolve.

And me and the lioness are making whoopee.

So it's actually turned out for the best.

Okay, let's sit on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

Now, if you want to add something to the bean machine, you can do so by going to enter the bean machine dot boats.

Enter the bean machine.boats.

And somebody did this.

Ella did this.

Hello, Ella.

Thanks, Ella.

Ella's from Cambridge, but is currently in Cuba.

Communism.

No freedom of the press.

No tariffs.

No tariffs.

Because they don't have a trading relationship with

North Korea.

So Ella of Cambridge, but currently in Cuba.

Yeah.

Yes.

When you enter a topic into the Bean Machine,

it's an online form and it does say, do you have anything else you'd like to say?

So before I get onto the topic that she's entered, she's written, in your recent festivals episode, you jokingly listed a number of far-off destinations on your tour list,

among which was Havana.

I'm currently on a study exchange in said city.

Despite the hurtful sarcasm of this mention, I absolutely suggest a visit to Havana because they are fucking wild about beans here.

I've eaten more beans in the past four weeks than I ever have in my life up to this point.

I have never been so regular.

My diet is so fiber-rich that I'm spending about 30% of my waking hours in my host mother's bathroom.

I think you would thrive.

Hasta Luego, Friolis.

Well, that's great.

Thank you.

I've never been to Cuba.

I'd love to go to Cuba and Havana.

I also like the idea of a host mother.

Do you know what I mean?

It's a general term.

Yes, but not in like a kind of aliens way.

No, no.

Well, we hope not, don't we?

We don't know, but we assume it's friendly.

It's possible that she's got her sort of stuck to the wall of her Havana

apartment with a sort of fibrous boom.

Ellen's topic that she put in the beam machine.

Please

is language.

My breath, my blood, my soul, my lover, my driver,

my apothecary,

my personal friend,

the assistant manager of my local ledger centre

My nemesis, my foe, my friend.

You kiss me, you stab me.

You give me a dead arm, you kiss me again.

I feel this is a toxic relationship, maybe.

Language.

I wonder if that's what Ella's doing.

If she's studying Spanish, maybe.

Maybe, yeah.

Who knows?

I feel quite jealous, though.

Yeah.

Fancy that.

Deep dive.

The host mother.

You're already into this idea of the host mother, Mike?

Yeah, just spend a year somewhere with the host mother in a different land, different language.

Seducing the host mother?

I don't think so.

I think

basking in the wisdom of the host mother.

Okay.

It's not a seduction, it's a gradual understanding.

Isn't it?

That develops between two people in Cuba.

It's a language, both Spanish and body.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is is the lingua franca of Cuba.

Dance.

Jive.

The rumba.

Rumba.

Is it the rumba?

What is the dance of it?

I don't know.

What is the Cuban dance?

The fambata.

Barbata.

The chimney puncher.

Is it salsa?

There's lots of different ones.

It's a good question.

I don't know.

Are you looking at them?

Yeah.

The gentle sway that you do when you're being packed into the back of a police van because your own children have daubed you in.

So the six most popular dancers in Cuba are the Rumba.

Yeah, oh, well done.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, something called Sun.

Yeah.

Never heard of.

Salsa.

The Cha-Cha Cha.

The Mambo.

Lovely.

Oh, yes.

Danzan.

Didn't know it.

And Bottom Line.

Bottom Line.

I wonder what that's about.

Oh, no.

Hang on.

Is Bottom Line just saying one, two, three?

This is the end of the.

This is the end of the piece.

Oh, yeah.

Bottom line is just saying that's the end of the.

Right.

But quite good at this.

Everyone lines up with your bottoms sort of poked out.

Yeah, it feels like a group, it feels like, yeah, sort of British wedding kind of thing, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You all stick your body out, and then the

bride-to-be sort of runs along,

runs up and down your body.

Okay, I've got a radical theory about language.

Yeah, go on.

Which is, I believe

that

language

is a playful theory, okay?

Look,

I am the imp

I am imp-like.

Yes, I dance.

I dance like a clown.

Left, to right, up and down, on the ceiling.

Where's his head?

Doodle, doo, do, do, do, do.

Yeah?

He's in my sandwich.

He's run off with my wife.

He's in the Thames.

Who is he?

He's got the face of a crocodile, the legs of a crocodile, the arms of a bloody crocodile.

Where's the

why is he making that face?

Is it because he's about to take off his face?

Yes, it is.

There he goes.

But so, my impish take on languages.

I think that language, I've got a theory which is that language is almost

always a lie.

Like anything anyone says is generally a lie.

Wow.

So if anyone says anything about themselves,

often why would they be like

why would they be saying it if it was if it was true, they wouldn't genuinely wouldn't need to say it.

Like I've got a rash on my ass.

Could you have a look for me, please?

Yeah.

So that makes me think.

Let's deconstruct that.

Let's deconstruct that.

Yeah.

So if you actually had a rash on your ass, you'd have shown it to me by now.

Why are we sat here talking?

Why are you sat down if your art is hurting?

So already.

Okay.

I've got a problem with this.

Pretty bulletproof so far.

Well, look, words can be deceptive, can't they?

They can be shadows within shadows.

A silhouette

made of air.

What is it?

Where is it?

Yeah.

Is it good this thing?

Shall I lean into this more?

I'm quite enjoying it.

I love it.

Yeah.

But I think, because I'm claiming to be a master of language, I'm a bit worried about how dependent I am on going,

the wordsmith, the word meister.

Words are his tools.

Ding, ding, ding, diddly.

If you're saying the word dog,

what you're saying is

there isn't a dog around.

Because if there was a dog around,

you wouldn't be saying dog.

Do you you mean so?

And it's essentially a word, at its basic level, a word represents the absence of the thing that's being referred to.

What if you were to say good dog to the dog?

Because it's been a good dog.

Diddly, widdly,

dumb, dun, ding, ding, doo, whiddly, dumb, dumb,

I think I've put you back in your box.

But do you see the point I'm making, which is essentially, if you always had a dog around, if I always had a dog around, if we were dogs, we wouldn't be saying dogs.

I don't think imagining we're all dogs is going to help with this.

Stop imagining you're a dog.

You might be painting yourself into a corner on that.

Stop imagining you're a dog.

Mike, how far have you got into imagining you're a dog?

You've got the tail, buddy.

That's what you got.

Wet nails.

I can reset.

I can reset.

It's not too late.

Reset.

I've just got the psyche.

Sorry.

You've just got the psyche.

So you're seeing the world in black and white.

No, that's vision.

Are you feeling the neat, that the desire to curl up at my feet while I sit in a pub doing a crossword?

That's it.

That would be nice, wouldn't it?

So, Mike,

so again, so stop imagining you're a dog.

Okay.

But you don't have to be the opposite of a dog.

Just be who you are.

Opposite of a dog, of course, is like a jellyfish.

No, the opposite of a dog is Luxembourg.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

We know about this.

Well, no, that's kind of language, isn't it?

I mean, the great thing about language is everything is language, isn't it, except smell.

But everything else is.

Yeah, so in a sense, a word like dog, it represents the absence of dog dog because it's reminding us what a dog is while dogs aren't around i mean if there was a dog in the room i'd just be i'd be stroking it i'd be getting on my hands and knees giving it a little kiss is that okay mike

yeah yeah as long as it's consensual

yeah don't surprise it don't come in from the back with a dog you don't know no i know i know i know the rules you let them smell your hand first it's very much the same as when you meet a new person you let them smell your hand develop trust

and then it's then the meat biscuits come out

isn't it it's like any great friendship yeah so do you see what i mean i think it's at the beginnings of a point there.

So, I've got a lot of goodwill towards you today, Henry, for some reason.

So, that's because you've got the dog psyche.

I think you'll think of me like a dog does, which is basically I can do nothing wrong.

Unconditional love, and I what I feel like you're in the foothills of a good idea or a good point.

You know what?

That's that's going to be the name of my autobiography.

Do you know what I mean?

I think you're almost there.

I think you're pushing on something, you're pushing on a door through which there could be a PhD.

But I think it's something to do, but that is so, that is so my life.

But, but you know what?

That is, um, I think it's, it's it's in the world of Magritte, those Magritte paintings.

Yeah.

Right.

Where it's, where it says, so see ne pa un pip.

Yeah.

And it goes, this is not a pipe, and it's a picture of a pipe.

That's the sort of, it's something to do with that, isn't it?

Symbols, signifiers.

Yeah.

I'm sure there will have been philosophical things written about how the word itself is not the thing, but it...

it's a signpost of the thing.

But you know, there's one exception to that.

A rose by any other name, etc.

Etc., etc.

But there is an exception to that, I think.

There's one word, right, where it is the word, like the word is the thing,

and the thing is the word,

and that word is so it doesn't refer to something outside of itself, it is the inaction, the embodiment of what it is, and it's the word itself.

Here we go, Mike.

We knew this was coming.

It's God.

Drink deep from the beaker of truth.

So that word is, there's one word which most words, like the word dog, isn't a dog.

A dog is hairy, it's smelly, you have to take it to the vet, it's loving.

The word dog is simply three symbols, sort of runes in a row that make the sound dog.

Yeah, so that's that.

And then a dog is hairy, wet nose, lovely big eyes, positive mental outlook, faithful AF,

loves cutting around your feet when you're doing a crossroad, all that stuff.

You can't go into the pub with the word dog written on a piece of paper, stick that on the floor next to you and do a crossword and expect to certainly expect to,

you know, fit in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although it would make quite a good short film, wouldn't it?

But it would have to be sort of 1910, I think, for it to be interesting.

That's true for so many short films that's true for so many short films

so so that word is this is the word which rather than referring to another thing the word is the thing it refers to and that is the word

congratulations

congratulations

is congratulations so what happens is if you do if you do something you know good or whatever someone says to you congratulations that's it you've been congratulated they've said the word congratulations the word is the congratulations.

To the degree that I've always struck me this is weird that you might write a card where you literally write the word congratulations on a card.

You send it.

They open it and you've given them the word congratulations.

They go, congratulations.

You give someone the actual word.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a good point.

It is a good point.

Going back to you were saying about when people speak, they're always lying.

Yeah.

It's quite cynical.

It's quite

punk, kind of cool.

Outlook.

I don't give a shit,

man.

Come with me on this rocky road.

But

isn't that a big kind of sort of idea of classical drama being that

there's what they're saying and then there's the subtext, which is different to what they're saying.

And an actor is able to communicate what is not being said using the words that...

Do you know what I mean?

Like there's two, there's two.

Using the language of gesture.

Well, Mike,

talk us through your process on this, Mike.

So well, I think I'm quite a random radical and subversive.

Yes.

So I don't offer subtext as an actor.

I will just say the lines on the page exactly as I read them.

Yeah.

Because Mike, of course, studied at the great school in Paris, which is called Just Fucking Read It Out.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

It's a short course.

It's an intensive but short course.

It lasts 15 minutes.

Most of that is really expensive.

Yeah.

Yeah, because

obviously there's text.

There's subtext that's underneath the text.

Subtext, I mean, yeah, but yes.

Well, you don't have to be a lot of people.

There's not

a lot of subtext in a domestic, I mean, there can be in a domestic situation, but sometimes it's just literally, you know.

Did you remember to buy more bin bags?

No, Mike.

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.

Domestic situations, 100% subtext.

Yeah.

So when you're asking, did you remember...

You're not talking about bin bags really.

You're saying, I'm thinking of having an affair.

think you're saying we've been together 25 years and i feel like i've wasted my life

and and basically what you'll find is that's the subtext to everything that's skeptical isn't it okay so anything can mean that

oh i see there's a a new matt damon film on itv should we watch that there you go that's that's the text i've waited the last 25 years i got the bay leaf and the bolognaise i've waited the last 25 years of my life yeah should we get one of those that's smart smart meter things that's actually even worse that's i've wasted the last 25 years of my life.

And I think I might be overpaying for my gas.

It's even worse.

The one thing that was emotionally keeping me going was the fact that I thought I was probably getting a decent rate for my gas.

Now even that's gone.

Okay, all right.

Yes, fair point.

But your approach to my acting, Mike, isn't it, is that you don't really believe

in the inner life, do you?

Because you think that people,

if you're saying it, you're thinking it.

You said what you you thought.

That's the answer in what you said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mike is the classic, it's a classic comedio d'alate role within the ensemble, which is called the oaf,

which is someone who says exactly what they think and nothing else.

Yeah, but they're very trustworthy.

The oaf.

Not interesting to watch,

which

surprises me.

Well, no, they're interesting to watch.

How interesting they are to watch is in direct correlation to the amount of hot custard that's landing down their trousers.

They do, they do, because they lack subtext, they need the hot custard instead.

They need to be reacting to hot custard getting down their trousers, don't they?

Which is why you

have those two red-hot super soakers packed full of custard whenever you go into an audition, don't you?

They're pumped up tight, you can almost feel them ready to burst.

Absolutely ready to burst, aren't they?

There's a kind of yellow sort of gas coming out of them, coming out of the nozzle, isn't it, on them?

Because they just can't wait.

Oh, they're hot to the touch.

They're hot to the bloody touch.

And that's why they didn't go for you in the end for adolescence, wasn't it?

Because they thought,

we're doing this in one take.

It's going to be quite hard.

What to keep, how do you keep the custard hot between in the sections where the camera's going away from Mike?

Yeah.

So there's a certain type of language which I think is overused.

Some words get massively overused, don't they?

Yeah.

And the word which I'm feeling is massively overused at the moment is the word extraordinary.

Okay.

Okay.

Is this like unprecedented during the pandemic?

Yes, exactly.

That kind of thing.

So extraordinary and some similar words around it

get used all the time.

And it's, and I think it's, it's, um, so, certainly in sort of podcasts and things that I listen to, there's a lot of, and what happened next was absolutely extraordinary for ads.

It's basically

extraordinary sort of there for advertisers.

Yeah.

And documentations would be like, and then what happened was absolutely extraordinary.

Or podcasts about news would be saying, and what's happening at the moment is absolutely extraordinary.

And what's happening in this country is extraordinary.

And like,

so it's overused.

It sort of gives you a sort of dopamine hit of Jesus.

Oh, God, it's extraordinary.

I'm going to have to subscribe to...

subscribe to Norton antivirus or whatever.

So not only is that word overused, I really feel like

this many things can't be, there can't be this many things that are extraordinary.

It just can't be.

Like, and actually a lot of these things, you look at them and you go, how extraordinary is that?

And actually, you then start to think, or I do.

Is ordinary the new extraordinary?

Well, does extraordinary even exist, Mike?

I mean,

it can't exist when you think about it, can it?

Because it's happening.

So it's not extraordinary.

It's

it's ordinary.

Like

everything's ordinary.

If it it was extraordinary, it wouldn't happen.

It can't be outside of.

Is this a bit like your argument last week that everything's from space?

Why are you saying that in a slightly wild, weary way, Ben?

Which is weird because that's an example of your emotions not correctly matching your language.

Which is, you should be going, Henry, this is a bit like that thing you said last week.

Yeah,

you are gradually coming up with a grand theory of Pakador.

Get your starter beaker for only $99.99.9.

Sorry, that many things can't be extraordinary.

It can't be.

Thoughts?

When people say extraordinary, they're not saying impossible.

Can you not be such a blimmin' stick in the mud?

Right, over to you, Ben.

I'm not going to answer that one because it's being a stick in the mud.

That was me using language.

What I did there was...

Oh, my God.

Use idiomatic language.

I used idiomatic language.

So Mike actually isn't in the mud.

And he isn't a stick.

But you know what I've done there, though?

Interestingly, you can always analyse language.

I've changed the register of language in order to sidestep Mike's quite good point.

Mike made a point that was so good, it was essentially Mike, in my mind, became death.

He was just the shadow of death fell on my point.

What is the one thing that death cannot kill?

Language.

It cannot kill language because it is language.

By the way, another theory I've had about language before is I think the word death, it's such an important big word that's unlike all the others.

Because what it represents is so big, that it shouldn't just be another word like all the others.

It should have its own font, which should be gothic.

And gothic should not be used for heavy metal bands.

No, it should just be reserved for death.

No, because what I do is I change the register of language.

So Mike made a point which I couldn't argue with, which is they're not saying impossible.

So Mike's essentially right.

I was wrong.

So at that point, I've got two options.

One is I leave my flat right now.

I get in some transport.

I gather the weapons on the way.

The army amasses at your heels.

The army amasses at my heels.

And I...

Come, yeomen.

Come from the fields.

Come from the fields.

For the Pacadonia Crusade, the first Pacadonia Crusade.

Come down from the apple trees.

The Pacadonia army marches west, not like the old crusades.

Come from your shops.

The ironmonger, the guy who runs the aquarium.

All of you.

Come.

Bring the tools of your trade and use them as weapons.

Bring your sharpest fish.

That little net for getting bits of turds out of fish tanks.

Use that.

Use that.

It'll all be in the front row.

It'll all become clear.

You might end up being part of a decoy squad.

Don't think about it too much.

Just bring what you got.

Let's go.

And we will have, we will have my vengeance.

Yes, we will.

Now, on the train, everyone, just do your own thing.

Catch up on emails.

We don't have to talk the whole way.

Catch up on emails.

Whatever.

I'm not paying for everyone's ticket.

To be clear about that.

Sorry.

There's nowhere I'm doing that.

If we're all in the quiet carriage, we don't have to observe the quiet carriage.

We can watch Netflix on the quiet carriage.

If we're all there.

If it's all of us.

All or nothing.

And if it's just us and one old granny then frankly you know what to do with that sharp fish just

say it as practice

you can't feed someone fish food to death all you brought is the fish food

you can't just hope he's allergic

okay there are leaves on the line so we are gonna have to change at westbreak we will we are gonna have to get on a bus at Westbreet.

I'm afraid it is going to take it as far as Taunton.

And we can march from Taunton.

It will take a long time.

I know the scenery is nice, but try and hold on to the anger, the raw rage, because we're going to need that.

Yeah, I want you to enjoy the trip, but I want you to stay angry at the same time.

So don't accept that scon from the granny.

No, she's come on.

You can't be angry eating a scon.

Come on, guys.

Mind you, actually, the rail replacement bus service should actually do quite a good job in making us all furious, because I tell you what, those things are never that good.

Clip that mother flipper up.

We've finally gone universal.

Okay.

What I'm saying is, so in that moment when Mike made that point, devastated me.

Yeah.

Like a quartz hammer smelted in the, in the fiery pit of Valhalla.

Yeah.

Clean, absolutely, clean took off my entire neck.

One swipe, right?

So what I did was, linguistically, I changed the register.

I said, you're being a stick in the mouth.

Essentially, I called him a name.

It's a horrible thing to do.

You knew the person who used to do this, which I found really, really horrific.

It was Boris Johnson.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

He would do this horrible thing where he would change...

The thing, giving people names and stuff, sort of name calling.

It's a horrible way of sort of ducking the argument

by going into a different register of language.

I keep saying register of language.

I keep saying it.

Why do I keep saying it?

Because I think it sounds clever.

But if you say it too many times, does it still sound clever?

It sounds like it's the only arrow in your quiver.

It sounds like I've maybe got a mono quiver arrow.

In which case, do I actually need a quiver?

I could just hold the arrow, put it in a rucksack.

So your point reminds me of a thing, which is there's a really good episode of the podcast Radiolab, which is a very good podcast

about the inevitability of coincidences, basically.

I'll probably get this a bit wrong.

But the idea is when an extraordinary coincidence happens to you, and in this one, for example, somebody finds a balloon in their garden, a red balloon, and tied to the balloon is a thing saying, I set this balloon off if you find it.

get in contact.

And like that person had the same name and the same birthday as them or something.

And so it was about how then people looked for meaning in these things.

Because it can't just be a coincidence.

It has to be, there must be some cosmic thing behind this.

Well, we are the pattern-seeking animal, aren't we?

But basically, what they were saying was that, you know, so many things that a billion things happen every day that aren't a coincidence.

Of course, there will be coincidences.

And the fact they have to exist, they have to happen because, of course, they'll happen.

Because

it's a numbers game.

Hang on, Ben.

But weirdly, you just said that.

But if I look at the ingredients on the back of this chocolate pickup bar that I ate earlier, yeah it says trigo lece avellana it's not a coincidence that's just an example

yeah so

billions of things yeah exactly most stuff isn't a coincidence yeah yeah and the fact and coincidences will happen so in the same way

you know extraordinary things are going to happen but another way of looking at it ben is Everything, everything.

Hang on a minute.

I'm kind of disproving my point now.

But in a way, everything is extraordinary, isn't it?

Because let's say you're in an airport and you run into your friend, Roy.

Oh, it's Roy.

Roy Keene.

Roy Keene, but not the football one.

Yeah.

So what if you go, imagine yourself in an airport, you just go up to someone randomly outside Pratt, and you say, excuse me, is your name Roy?

And they say, no, my name is

Yamdur.

Yeah.

Yamdur the Inquisitor.

Yeah.

The name could be anything.

I don't know why I'm coming for Yamdur.

Now, Peter.

What's your name?

Peter what?

Peter Yamdor.

But my point is,

you don't know Peter Yamdu, but the chances of you running into him were still incredibly slim.

Yeah.

Even though you don't know him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Were they any slimmer than the chances of you running into your friend Roy King?

The same.

Yeah.

Okay.

But hang on a minute.

Who's that?

Who's that sat in the other corner of the prayer?

It is Roy Gain, the football one.

And what happened next was absolutely extraordinary.

Let's read your emails.

Yes, please.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse,

My beautiful horse.

Now, where shall we start?

We've had a lot of emails from people who were at Glastonbury in 1986.

Brilliant.

Wow, really?

Brilliant.

I'm afraid to say none of whom

saw Mime Machine.

Well, sometimes that's when mime really works.

You're going to actually notice it.

They would have thought they just saw 12-year-old boys eating a selection of fruit and veg.

But actually, we were miming it.

So just to explain, if you weren't listening last week, Henry, it turns out, performed at Glastonbury twice in 1986 as part of a mime troupe.

This is from Jack.

He says, I wanted to email some words of condolence for Henry following his performance at Glastonbury 86.

As you mentioned in last week's episode, Henry's mime troupe were competing with many of the bigger names,

including the House Martins.

I now live in Hull, and while at university, lived next door to the eponymous house where the Martins supposedly formed.

Ooh.

Is that why they're called the House Martins?

Is he trying to say?

Because they formed in a house and they were all called Martin.

So I don't think that's the correct story of that band.

No.

And I think the fact, I don't think a band living in a house means they're bound to call like Crowded House maybe also were started in a house.

They did probably start in a house.

There's a terrible example to have used and sounds like they probably started in a house.

But like Metallica, for example.

I can start disproving this real quick.

Maybe they weren't living in a, maybe Metallica weren't living in a house, yeah.

It's possible.

Yeah.

Bled Zeppelin.

Okay.

The Kooks.

Okay.

Yeah.

You could go on.

To pow.

Six years later, I met my now partner on a dating app.

Her fun fact on the dating app was that she had once appeared in a music video for Rotterdam by the Beautiful South.

Good song.

Brackets, Paul Heaton's band following his time in the house, Martin.

On further questioning about how she came to be in their music video, she revealed to me that her dad used to be Paul Heaton's drug dealer.

Nice.

Maybe Paul Heaton's access to top quality product explains why Henry couldn't compete with their catchy, whimsical melodies, All the Best Jack.

I need a little time.

I need a little time.

Is that them?

Yeah.

You need a little time.

You need a little tam.

Did you?

Didn't you?

I love that song.

I don't want to endorse the idea that the way to be a good songwriter is to access top quality product, as Jack puts it.

no but let's face it it probably doesn't do any harm

but we're not endorsing it are we well it will probably open up your mind to have better creative ideas benz jingles fueled by carvery alone they are that's right yeah so was it beautiful yeah so beautiful south so for me the beautiful south are a band which encapsulate the fact that i in a lot of ways don't really know who i am as a person and i and and like you know if you ask me what music do i like what films do i like i don't know what to say It depends who I'm with.

It's very contextual.

There isn't really a solid answer.

Whereas I can just say, action movies, move on.

Yeah.

And you will say, move on in quite a threatening way.

Yeah.

And you'll say, John Grisham.

And the person will say, sorry, I just asked you who do you think the best Prime Minister is of the last 20 years.

And you'll say,

I'm sticking with Grisham.

The PM that never was.

Yes, a beautiful South.

For me, basically, one of the most tense things you could ever do would be to put me in a room full of people.

Suddenly, everyone's chatting.

It's quite a cool crowd.

There's some playwrights.

There's some politicians.

Sounds pretty cool.

There's a famous pianist's brother.

So it's not a top, top.

We've got Alan Bennett.

We've got Jeremy Hunt.

It's popping off.

We've got Bill Kojinski, who we think is the brother of Abraham Kojinski, who we think is quite a good pianist.

He makes a living in it.

He's mostly a peripatetic teacher, really, but he does the odd gig.

Yes.

He teaches fire safety to corporations.

Only to corporations that operate on water.

It's not seen as safe enough to teach about land-based fire safety.

There has to be a fire safety.

Where the answer, the solution is always jump out the window

and sink the building.

Sink the building.

So a scuttleable HQs.

Only.

What's that?

You say a lot of his past alumni have died at sea.

Yes, he does have a high hit rate of drownings amongst them.

Amongst his past alumni, yeah.

Anyway,

what was the question?

Can't remember what we were talking about.

You're in a room of a fire by beautiful sounds.

You don't know who you are.

Yeah.

But

one of my worst nightmares would be suddenly the music goes down, everyone stops talking, I get handed a microphone, and Alan Yentop asks me in front of everyone, Henry, is the Beautiful South a good band?

I would just have no idea what to say.

I'd be

out of that window faster than a panicking ferret.

Just because they're right on the cusp, I kind of like them, but I feel there's something a bit naff about them, probably.

I know what you mean.

Are they good or not?

To me, they are

the kind of.

You're letting Yentop get in your head head again.

This is the trouble.

You're letting Yentop get in your head.

That's the trouble.

I know.

You see?

I know.

Whereas me, I'd have said, yeah, they're a good man.

They're not everyone's cup of tea.

And I'd have pushed Yentop out the window.

And I even now look, Jeremy Hunt's giving you the eyes

because he liked your response.

Yeah.

I've given him courage and sucker.

Hillary emails, this is on the same topic about Glastonbury.

Because we mentioned that Simply Red are also playing on the same day that you performed.

Hillary says, Your recent discussion of Simply Red front of the Simply Red Frontman.

By the way, I know what to say in that situation about Simply Red.

Yeah.

The greatest soul singer of his generation.

Yeah.

Your recent discussion of the simply red front man brought to mind a regular in a pub I worked in many, many years ago.

He had red hair in ringlets like Mick Hucknell and wore a bum bag.

And so

And so we called him simple

and so we called him simply twat

and that shows doesn't it the marvellous power of language how how devastating it can be how simple

Oh, well then, Hillary.

Yeah.

Okay, we're now going to play a version of the Patreon jingle sent in by one of you, lot.

Oh, nice.

And this one is from

Alex in Gateshead.

And he sent this two years and four months ago.

Blimey.

Crikey.

Loath as I am to partially replace the cool, soothing, and sinister sounds provided by Ben P and the Ferryman, I've attached an alternative Patreon jingle.

Should you ever want to host your Patreon section from the Ferryman's final destination?

Hades, are you ready?

Yes, please.

Do sign up to our Patreon if you want more stuff.

There's bonus episodes,

video episodes, ad-free episodes, all that kind of stuff.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

Yeah, indeed, indeed, indeed.

And it was a big weekend there, wasn't it?

Because it was the ceremony to welcome Egg back to the world of the conscious.

It was.

Thank you, Benjamin.

And here's my report.

This weekend was the official ceremony to welcome Egg back to the conscious in the Sean Bean Lounge, with Sean Bean declaring a three-bean whip, aka compulsory attendance.

This meant Ben from Chisick, Zowie, Theresa R, and Leps had to cancel their aromatherapeutic baptisms.

Ewan of Davidson, Stuart MacDonald, Albert the Squanch, Sam Stanley, and Finn Hallam-Stewart had to cancel their Brazilian noselifts.

Claire Winter, Caroline G, Zoe Ravenwood, Rumpole, and Jack Swain had to cancel a series of burglaries in the Burton-on-Trent area.

And Ashley Kate, Natalie Hughes, Mrs.

H., James Cook, Joseph Dixon, and Elizabeth Flanagan-McCormack had to postpone a caving for beginners' course due to take place in a pothole on the B386.

Dan Mitchell had no plans to speak of.

According to tradition, Egg himself was safely ensconced in the Forbidden Bean Sanctum, alongside his owners Bob and Ruth, who willingly submitted to requirements to be blindfolded and wear sensory deprivation mittens.

Egg was represented by a proxy for the ceremony itself, comprised of Sus Trot as his shell and Annabel Ennisfield as the tortoise main bit.

It is said that a tortoise is conscious for a thousand moons, and to honour this the ceremony began with Ronnie, Anthony Crinian, Matt Denwood, Ben Smith, James Davis, Mickey Blinko, Pickpocket, Cade Russell, James Hunt, David Blackburn, AK-5294, Neil Gregson and Nick Blair showing their arses for a bit.

Aoife Bolger, Lauren Howe, Christina Sparks, Amber and Nicholas Rostrepo then marched in relay for almost 17 yards.

The total distance Egg is expected to travel in his lifetime.

A street dance theatre piece was then put on by Ronnie Calderwood, Kelly Joe Peterson, Ash Grove, Connor Jordan, Doug Taylor and J.

Cass Laundry, in which Egg's situation as a celibate bachelor was characterised as one of personal choice, not involuntary, and also not linked to any religious, political, or social ideology.

The piece was a compelling, if difficult, to watch, and only Matt Jennings attended a standing ovation.

Having realised he'd misread the vibe, Matt then semi-successfully styled it out by pretending he'd lost a trouser ferret.

The ceremony continued with a pig-pack jousting tournament between Hannah Petrie Hay, Stephen Crystal Strong, Harriet Dalwood, Sean Birmingham, Michael Smith, and Jennifer, and parachute jousting between Uncle Jesse, Andrea, Jeffrey Dale, Nina, Dan, M.

Honeywell, Joe Prestiano, Ian Naden, and Kyle Loves Cooker Contracts.

Human fireworks included Glenn B., Zoe Driver, Jack West Doram, Jack Newton, Max Pretty Johns, and Yes, with human Catherine Wheel performed by Josie Sutton and Andy Offord.

Natural Born Spiller and Sebastian Humphreys were given the honour of being dressed as the first lettuce leaves of spring, and were roundly attacked by Ryan Aldred, Ali R., Paul Walton, Neil Anderson, Old Man Sam, Adam Awesome, and Euthea dressed as aphids before being liberally sprayed with DDT by Phil Crabtree and Gooba141.

The Ursat's lettuces were washed, wiped and waxed by Ben Sutherland, Tim Jones and Jonathan Holt, before being fed to the proxy egg by Gregory Merriweather and Rob Newland.

Then it was time for the mass howling, led by Adam Bergen, Kitty Cat Ross, Rose J, Shitstick Nick, Mike Wiggy Wigglesworth, Eleanor G, Paz Benyamini, Ted Powers, Tom Frey, Jason Frakes, Tom McRae, Flo, Baby Rossi and Grace Hull.

Mass wailing was taken on by P.

D.

B., Jess Jadol Corketts, Mama Benji, Mark Eisner, Christine DeTolvo, Nicola Block, Owen Valentine Roche, Isabel Haley, Sarah Roberts, Doma, and Damian Carey.

The Righteous Cacophony was supplemented by Angela Wye having her first go on a trombone, Mickey Diminch stubbing a toe on Where There's a Will, and Ben Catchpole, Lizzie Nichols, Betty Grove, and Graham Westrope attempting to go ahead with a poorly scheduled intermediate Hungarian tutorial on Microsoft Teams.

The Righteous Cacophony was a little undermined by Karen of Portsmouth taking a vow of silence.

The parade then began with tortoise-themed floats processing through the lounge.

Mort, Nico, Christopher Dustface, Laura H., Tom Code Bait, and Ruth the Little Biscuits float was of a tortoise.

Mangle Cat, Matt Cross, Harry Lawless Kid, Eringworm, Edamame and Sushi's float was also of a tortoise, but one that appeared to be moving backwards.

Jessalyn, Alwyn Payne, The Crinch, Alison Sylvester, and Gerard's float was of a tortoise, but from the point of view of another tortoise.

And Rich Weston, Dennis, The Real May of O'Neill, Patrick Stasick, James Butcher, and James B., not Alex, did one of tortoise turds, which proved surprisingly popular.

Ian Stanley, Joe Robertson, Joe Preston, Brett Parsons, and Joe Gulcher all made speeches despite being asked not to.

Laura Clay, Amy Monroe Henderson, Matthew Eborn, Andrea Raymond, von Carmo and Piers Taylor prostrated themselves in cold gravy.

Mary Sugaru, Kim, Charlie Bull, Richard Smith, Jerome Pettyprin, Barbara Kaye, and Heart Bleeps entered a permanent trance-like state.

Daniel Shirley, Lynn Cook, David F., Tiffany, Donald Robinson, Sam Hutchinson, Will Simmons, Sam Liu, and Polly Callow gave up all their earthly possessions apart from the really crucial stuff like laptops, air fryers, and chow gel.

Mina, John Fleming, Holly M, Lily McIlwain, and Jesse Van Altina got the wrong end of the stick and went into hibernation.

And Andrew Hunter noticed the real egg was starting to nod off again, so hit a great big gong.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the end of the show.

We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by Angus.

Thank you, Angus.

Thanks, Angus.

Dear Beans, I hope you're well.

Several months ago, I woke up with a beautiful melody in my head.

It beguiled me.

I'm not a musician and have never composed any music, but I felt compelled to try and get this tune out of my head so others could hear it.

After downloading GarageBand and spending several weeks battling with tutorials, I managed to cobble together a version.

As I played it back, I suddenly realized why this tune was so important to me.

It was the beam theme.

My subconscious had sucked up your theme tune, mused upon it, and spat it back out as apparently apparently a four-part harmony for harp.

Oh.

Fantastic.

Strange.

Great work.

Thank you.

I'll listen to that now.

Thanks, everyone, for listening.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye.