Festivals

Here's a question, Mike.

Do you

shampoo the Tash with anything?

I do, yes.

Do you use hair shampoo or special

homemade shampoo?

Or special task shampoo?

I will use a standard shampoo, yeah.

Dog shampoo?

Yeah, dog shampoo, whatever's going, really.

Whatever hasn't run out, basically.

Okay.

That has a detergent quality in the house.

Hairy liquid in a squeeze?

Yeah.

In a pinch.

Yeah.

Whatever.

You've got to keep that baby clean.

Do you know what I mean?

It's busy.

It receives food particles, sneezes, flying debris from other people's cars, whatever it might be.

A splash of a puddle.

You know, guano.

It needs washing.

Stardust from a meteorite?

Exactly.

I saw one the other day.

I think, I think.

I saw a meteor.

Oh, nice.

But not one that's like really high up in the sky.

Right.

One that seemed to be about

100 meters up.

Really?

Does that sound plausible or not?

You nearly got hit.

Yeah, it was really close.

It wasn't just someone hurling a brick at you, was it?

Was it quite squared off?

It was after our Bath Live show.

So maybe it was one of the audience.

Yeah, but it's from a passing car that's not a meteorite.

I think that's the rule of thumb.

It wasn't a tortoise as well.

It might have been a tortoise.

A flaming tortoise.

Well,

it was on fire, this thing.

Well, it was on fire.

Yeah.

And you didn't go hunting for a bit of meteorite rock.

Oh, I should have done.

I could have my own meteorite.

I remember someone at school once had a little bit of shiny

rock that they said was a meteorite.

And it did wow us.

It wowed us all for a bit.

Did it give him kind of powers?

It gave him social power.

Okay, but not like meteorite.

He wasn't anti-grav or anything.

I'd have told you about that by now.

He didn't suddenly have the ability to shit Twixes.

That would have been pretty good.

It gave him a lot of social power, right?

Oh, this stone's from space, whatever.

And then I thought to myself, a bit later on in the afternoon, I thought to myself, yeah, but hang on.

I mean, I'm from space.

My lunch box is everything's from space.

My lunchbox is literally from space.

Everything's from space.

We're all as ancient as the universe.

You are a spaceman.

I am basically a spaceman.

To someone else, you are an alien.

Yeah.

I mean, even Nikki Campbell, the five-live news presenter.

He's more than a news presenter.

He's a.

Well, he's a kind of moral compass for for the moral information.

I mean, he's from space, isn't he?

Everything's from space.

My headline's from space.

So I just thought actually a lot of that social power he developed was actually a little bit false.

But he wasn't suggesting it was a pre-meteorite.

He wasn't suggesting that he was going to try and throw it at another planet.

Just a pebble that he'd found on holiday in Sidmouth or something.

No.

He claimed that this had come from a remote part of the galaxy.

Yeah, exactly.

Was he interested in trying to crack it open?

I'd have been interested in taking a chisel to it and see if there's a little sort of alien egg egg in the middle.

We were both leaning into his narrative.

I'm trying to tell you this wasn't a remarkable object.

I'm still wowed.

There's a space egg.

There's 200 space eggs in your local Tesco's.

They're all space eggs.

Yeah, and also they come from

a beaked mega cockroach beast, a chicken.

They're all this.

They're all

Henry.

What's this guy's name?

Because I.

I want to go and worship him.

Stop leaning into his bloody narrative.

Oh, a furry groo dar beast from beyond

yeah it's a poodle that's what if you just call it that from a different perspective you know what i mean everything poodles aren't from space i mean yes they fucking are

oh if only there was a hero that could you know dress in a little skimpy outfit covered you know covered in oil and like control a spaceship with lasers in it and destroy the groove yes that could be niki campbell in theory if you just look at nikki campbell in a certain way

you know do you know what i mean every time he squashes a spider from a different point of view that he is concrete.

Get men of microlight, right?

Getting some short shorts.

Baby oil.

Yeah.

I just don't think that these things are from space because.

You don't believe space exists.

Space is everything that's not within our atmosphere, I would say.

So poodles have never existed outside of our atmosphere, have they?

Are we in Venn diagram zone here?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

I don't know.

I learned yesterday that all gold in the world

on Earth is from space.

Of course it is, you prick.

Do you you not listen to anything I just said?

Maybe if we all could see things from my point of view, there'd actually be less conflict in the world and everyone would get on a bit better.

But what do I know?

They wouldn't get anything done though, would they?

They wouldn't get a lot done.

If I'm pinning my colours to the mask person-wise in terms of someone who could really smooth out all the world's problems.

Your mate with a meteorite might be the one.

He's going to turn heads at the G7, isn't he?

Come on.

He's getting a standing O at the UN General Assembly, isn't he, when he comes in with his meteorite?

Everyone's going to want to talk to that kid.

It wasn't that big a deal.

He was just a little tosser called Mark.

Mark Carney, if I remember rightly.

He was just

one of his many UK sabbaticals.

He was just a 25-year-old boy

who just happened to come to your primary school on the same day that you were supposed to be doing show and tell.

But I say, if I did run the world, or to follow in from last week, if the world was running according to the principles of Pacadonia, your new beaker-based religion.

Yeah, Pacadon!

Hi.

Submit

to the philosophy

of Pacadonia.

Now, everyone, raise raise up your beaker.

Have you not brought your beaker?

You haven't brought a beaker?

Well, we've got a spare beaker

or

a beaker vending machine.

Go to the beaker vending machine.

It takes 16 beakers.

16 beakers for a slightly larger beaker.

It's the big economy.

No, I think if things were run according to Pacadornia, I think people would get on, but there'd be less conflict.

I think eventually, rather than conflict, there'd be a sense of malaise that would sort of slowly start to rise.

Of people going, What are we actually doing here?

There'd be an extinction-level ennui, there'd be extinction-level ennui, and that'll be the moment that my advisors,

Mark Carney, Ken Hom,

Rod Stewart,

and Rod Stewart, it's all lads, people who are complaining about that.

It is a bit of a sausage fest.

That'll be when they decide to finally strangle me to death,

Etu Ken Hom?

Etu Ken Hom.

And they'll be like, and Rod Stewart will be like, right, we've killed that Preg.

No, let's finally get into that.

He's not got us much excellent.

No.

Let's get into that spaceship beaker he's been working on for 10 years and get the fuck off this planet.

Thank God we did it.

Right, where's the space beaker?

He's been working.

I assume he's actually managed to.

Oh, no, he's not managed to.

He's not even.

It's still in the doodle phase.

He's still in the doodle phase.

Everything's in the doodle phase.

It's not even a a very good digit of a beaker.

That's it.

That's what the fuck.

That's that.

All he's done is that.

This looks like an upside-down heart.

It's not even more like a beaker.

Oh, no.

What power is it?

We can't get in that.

Where's it going to fly?

We've got a big announcement to make.

Oh, yeah.

Cryke, mate.

We do as well.

Who's feeling brave enough?

The beans are going on tour.

Buenos Aires.

Rio.

Santiago.

The International Space Station.

Panama City.

The North Pole.

Copacabana.

Havana.

Miami.

LA.

Pyongyang.

And Leeds.

So, yeah, no,

we're going on tour.

It's massive.

This mega is happening.

We're hitting Britain.

We're hitting Britain hard.

We're not leaving the island of Britain.

We're not leaving the island of Britain.

We hope to one day, right?

Oh, yeah.

We certainly flirted with the idea of doing a date in Ireland, but it didn't come together.

But yes, we're launching a tour come along in the autumn, no less.

Shall I read out the places that people can find us?

10th of September.

London Queen Elizabeth Hall.

Yeah.

It's the big one.

That's on London's South Bank, isn't it?

It is on London's South Bank.

There's a Oaxaca there, I think.

There's a Oaxaca.

I think there's still a giraffe, weirdly.

There is a giraffe.

There's a mini foils.

There's a mini foils.

There's the whole...

There's the BFI.

If you get fed up and want to watch a movie instead.

Yep.

You're a stone's throw from the London Aquarium.

And the London Eye.

Yeah.

And the London Shrek Experience.

Really?

Yeah, which is in the same building as the London Aquarium now, I think.

That kind of old county hall, whatever it's called.

Old County Hall, yeah.

It's now the Shrek Experience.

So is that what they they you get to experience what it would be like to have trumpet-shaped ears?

Which is why I suppose it's directly opposite St Thomas' Hospital.

It's so handy.

Yeah, so London, Queen Elizabeth Hall.

That's a big one.

Then, two days later, Friday the 12th of September, it's Bristol.

Oh, yeah.

At the Bristol Beacon.

Nice.

Too large a venue?

Probably.

We'll see.

We've probably overreached with a few of these, haven't we?

Don't we take it down a bit?

yeah we go to on saturday the 13th of september cardiff's sherman theatre nice not the first time i would have treaded those hallowed boards oh yeah because as a nine-year-old i did a dance with my classmates to the jason donovan version of any dream will do from

joseph is telecolor dream coat

as part of a school's dance festival of some sort

but it's the first time for me and henry isn't it well they say you've you played a sherman theatre twice, don't they, in your career?

Once on the way up, once on the way down.

So, hello again.

So I'm feeling, we all know that old theatre joke, but some of our listeners might.

It's great fun.

I've actually also played, I've done stand-up there.

I was interviewed by Richard Herring there.

Oh,

Klang.

Klang.

But I love it.

Sherman Theatre, great place.

Then,

the 25th of September,

it's the Brighton Theatre Theatre Royal.

Very nice.

I've got no experience of this place.

It's where Prince Charles does his one-man.

It's the Regency.

It's where he does his one-man mammonia, isn't it, every Christmas?

It's a premium Regency experience.

I've only ever been to Brighton once.

What, ever?

In your whole life?

Yeah.

No, no, really?

And it was when we, us three, were in a sketch group years ago and we were doing previews in Brighton.

Yeah.

Is that the only time we've been?

And it was a very sunny day, and we did it just in my memory exclusively to some people from Argentina who couldn't speak English.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Yeah.

It was a tough old gig.

Yeah.

They still don't particularly remember it, I think.

As an experience, those guys who went

to came.

I think they still, to this day, it's not something they particularly remember or think about.

It just had very low impact on them.

It's a coping strategy.

Yeah.

Then on the 29th of September, it's Leeds City Varieties.

Lovely stuff.

Absolutely beautiful, Gaff.

Nice.

Might do a little bit of shopping.

Leeds town centre is a lovely place for a bit of shopping.

Lovely pedestrianised shopping area.

Lots of very nice arcades.

It's got a good old market.

Nice old market.

Yeah.

Where M ⁇ S started.

That's my thing.

Apparently.

Yeah.

Wow.

Then, 2nd of October.

It's Manchester Factory International.

Nice.

Is that to do with factory records?

Got no idea, actually.

It still isn't, isn't it?

Oh, I'm looking it up.

I think it's new.

Is it?

It's fancy looking.

Oh, okay.

It looks quite space age.

Okay, well,

anyone who comes to that, then let's all agree agree to just use a coaster or something.

Don't put a mug down directly on any surfaces.

Yeah, try and keep it nice.

Then the 5th of October, Newcastle.

Lovely stuff.

Why the hell I mum?

I feel like we might have to put some rules down for Henry.

So there's going to be a special locker, isn't it, for all anyone if you've brought contraband fish that you want to sell, you're not allowed to sell it at the venue, but you can put it in special freezers.

The cloak crumb's been adapted to have some freezers.

And obviously during the day, Henry, Henry will be walking among you.

That's right.

You'll never know.

You'll never know.

I'll be dressed from head to toe as Sting.

By the way, special deal for that Newcastle one, Sting Comes Free.

So if you are Sting,

we can offer you a Sting Comes Free.

But you will have to pay for any it's all plus ones.

You have to pay for any plus ones.

Yeah, it doesn't count.

If you're in the police, it's not good enough.

If you're the drummer for the police, don't care.

Bassist for the police, don't care unless that was Sting.

Sting is the basis.

Okay, so in that case, there's a special exemption.

So Sting comes free.

Basis is not allowed unless you've got the UR Sting exemption, which Sting should have.

But it is a two-drink minimum.

It's a two-drink minimum.

And you have to drink both of those yourself, Sting.

You can't give one to a friend.

We will be watching you.

Yeah.

And just try and keep a low profile.

Don't make it all about you.

Okay.

In fact, if you could dress as not you, that'd be ideal.

I'll be dressed as you.

So you will have to prove that you are you when you come in,

but not dress as you.

Not with reference to yourself.

So you're going to have to

do that digitally.

You might.

That's your problem to solve.

We're offering you the free dress.

So

you know, the least you can do is.

We're busy.

We're putting a show on.

Come on, mate.

Exactly.

Okay, cool.

Then, the 9th of October, it's Birmingham Town Hall.

Very good.

Oh.

Special rule for that night.

We can offer a Craig Charles has normal ticket price.

He's not from Birmingham.

Isn't he?

No, he's a Scowser.

Well, that's why.

That's why.

He's got normal ticket price.

Yeah, yeah.

There's absolutely no reason for him to be treated specially for that gig.

Yeah.

And so obviously, for sort of most events in the UK, that is mentioned, but normally just that's in the small print.

It's in the small print.

It's in the bottom of the poster.

You don't normally hear that.

Because this is an audio medium, we're having to do some of the small print audio.

And any members of UB40

is double ticket price.

It's double ticket, I'm afraid.

We don't think you've done the city any favours, frankly.

Although we do love rat in the kitchen.

Don't we?

There's a rat in the kitchen.

It's one of the few songs, really, that deals with the issue of what happens if there's a rat in the kitchen.

Yeah, and you don't know what, and you don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It asks the question, what am I going to do?

But without answering it, which I think is white.

So that's art, isn't it?

That's art.

It doesn't come up with simple answers.

I mean, in the hands of a less talented band, it would be, there's a rat in my kitchen, I'm going to put down some poison.

But now I'm worried about my cat.

I'm going to put my cat in a papoose.

Oh, no, I've put the rat in the papoose.

It's It sounded like quite a good song, actually.

All right, come on.

And then, so there's a big jump then from Thursday the 9th of October.

We've then got two months off.

Yeah.

Planning is the way we do things.

It will take a lot out of us.

And

that travel from Birmingham back to London will take

devastating.

I mean, obviously, if HS2 was working, we'd be fine.

But

we're trying to hit Scotland, aren't we?

We're trying to.

Which we will do.

We will succeed in getting a Scottish date.

Scottish dates to be announced, isn't it?

Yeah.

We've had some

not trouble.

We're trying to get getting a venue to work on the right and the right dates and stuff.

We're just still working it out, aren't we?

Yes, but we're definitely trying.

Probably Glasgow is the idea.

Yes.

CBC.

Yes.

And then on the 6th of December.

Too soon?

We're at King's Place, and that one, whilst in London, is also going to be our streaming one.

Yes.

We're streaming that one, so that's the one you can come to if you live in Timbuktu or whatever.

Live and non-live.

Yes, that's true.

Both.

You can watch it live or you can watch it later.

Yeah.

So there we are.

Yeah.

So it's almost every corner of this fine aisle.

As we say, we've got Scotland to come.

And the island of Ireland is something that we've yet to.

That's on our list

to do in the future, isn't it?

As is Jersey, the Isle of Man, the Island of Winters, Virgin Islands, Falklands, Inexaspo Island, Anguilla, Gibraltar, Moscow, and the diplomatic free zone, which is also known as Cloud Balding's Kitchen.

Very good.

Yes, do come.

Tickets will go on sale on general release on Friday, which is the...

It can't be done.

It

Friday the 4th of April.

Yeah, so general sale 10 a.m.

Friday the 4th of April.

However, if you are a Patreon member on the 3rd, which is on Thursday, they go on sale for Patreon people at 10 a.m.

So they get a day's first bite of the cherry.

Yeah, so to speak.

And at some point, it'll all be up on the...

We're doing it with Little Wonder, who are the guys that run McAnthleyth Comedy Festival, and they're wonderful.

It'll be on their site at some point as well.

Yeah, there'll hopefully be a link in the show notes for this.

So yeah, general sale Friday the 4th at 10 a.m.

Patreon presale Thursday the 3rd at 10 a.m.

And we'd love to see you there.

Yes, please.

It's going to be huge.

We've done a few previews, haven't we?

And

put it this way,

we

fulfilled our obligation on the night, didn't we?

Certainly, time-wise.

Time-wise.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Heather from Bristol.

Thank you, Heather.

Thanks, Heather.

It's festivals.

Aye.

I've performed at Glastonbury.

I went to a weird school where

we, there was a travelling mind group in my school.

I was a member of it.

It's called Mind Machine, and we performed at the Pompidou Centre.

We performed

in New Orleans on Bourbon Street.

We performed at Glastonbury.

We performed.

In Ireland.

Potentially Cork, but maybe maybe not.

Potentially Cork.

We just...

It was near Dingle, because I remember Tales of the Dingle Dolphin.

Who is the Dingle Dolphin?

So the Dingle Dolphin was a dolphin that was based in Dingle.

Has you rendered the Dingle Dolphin in mime?

You know what?

It's incredibly hard to mime a dolphin.

All right, challenge accepted.

Actually, not that hard.

Isn't the point of mime you don't make any noise, though?

I wasn't.

Oh, my God.

That's the point of mime.

I've just looked up the dingle dolphin.

His name's Fungy.

That's right, Fungy.

Or he was.

He's now dead.

There was a statue of him, though.

He was a legendary dolphin that just hung around

in the Bay and Dingle.

Yeah, so we performed Mime at Glastonbury.

Now, I could work out what year...

We could actually work out.

I don't know if we could find out the line-up.

I think David Bowie was playing.

No.

Although I didn't know which of his iterations.

And you wouldn't have appreciated appreciated it enough at that age, would you?

No, I think I did a bit.

But I think it was Bowie.

It wasn't as far back as the Bowie era that was the little toy soldier was playing a mandolin.

The little toy soldier ran up the chimney.

La la la la la.

Do you know that?

Do you know that era of Bowie?

Yeah.

Henry, I literally just googled Mind Machine Glastonbury.

Oh, no.

Is it coming out?

Yes.

There's a website called Glastopedia, which has got all of the performances ever, right?

Mind Machine performed at the acoustic stage.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

At 11am.

oh

it's a plumb spot

that's the mariah carey spot basically now isn't it saturday the 21st of june 1986.

oh my god

incredible so acoustic stage 86 mind machine 11am

i tell you what if you can remember my machine 11am acoustic stage you probably won't

yeah who else was about i want to know who else was on the who who was henry hanging out with in in the green room?

Yeah, I think Bowie was there.

Okay, so the headliner on the pyramid stage, oh no, acoustic stage, here we go.

Yeah.

1980.

Acoustic six.

That'll be someone we haven't heard of.

I think acoustic stage probably isn't one of the big ones, is it?

I've not even heard of it.

And you've been there.

Of course,

we had to do our entire act unplugged as well, which was

made particularly intimate, actually, and quite powerful.

It was completely unplugged, mime.

It's not

easy.

Can you find out who was just on at Glastonbury that year?

I can.

So the headliner on the Saturday

was the cure.

Oh my God.

That would have been brilliant.

I just didn't know who the cure were at all.

Yeah.

You know, that's such a waste.

Oh, the cure in 86.

If you could put your time machine now to go back.

Yeah.

I wouldn't watch it because I'd be concentrating on my mime.

This is our one chance, boys.

So 36,000 people were there.

Not at my machine.

It's much bigger now, isn't it?

These days?

Yeah, so Henry was one of 71 performers only.

Blimey.

The price was £17.

For Glastonbury.

Yeah.

Blimey.

So also playing that weekend

were Billy Bragg.

I don't like the government.

I don't like the policy of the government.

I don't like the government.

No, look, I'm laughing again at Billy Bragg.

Sounds like you are.

No, no.

No, my only problem with Billy Bragg is I've got no problem with him, except his lyrics are quite on the nose.

I think we should change the policy related to unemployment policy.

I don't like the policy.

We should probably change the percentage that goes back for tax revenue.

It's like, Billy, try and make it more metaphorical.

It's a bit more fun.

Okay, I've found the lineup for the acoustic stage on that day.

So it opens at 11am.

Yeah.

So we open.

That's a big.

Does my machine open?

You actually played twice.

I can't remember the second.

Maybe I wasn't invited back.

You opened the acoustic stage at 11 a.m.

on the Saturday.

You also opened the acoustic stage on the Sunday at midday.

Now, you've got to bear in mind that you are up against.

So on Sunday, people could choose between my machine or the house martins

on another stage.

Dude, dude, dude.

And then

again, don't believe it.

Is that them?

Yeah.

Happy hour again.

Don't believe him.

Or a 12-year-old pretending to eat an apple.

Oh my god, the house Martins.

Is that a band where like one of them is now like Kier Starmer or something?

Did one of them gone to do something?

One of them's Fat Boy Slim.

Oh, one of them's Fat Boy Slim.

That's

the Beautiful South.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

But none of them are Professor Brian Cox.

No, no, no.

So on the Saturday, you opened the stage.

Then it was Ragtag.

Don't know who they are.

Johnny Coppin and Phil Beer.

Yeah.

They don't sound great, do they?

They don't sound like they're still alive.

Well, one of them was always copping off, and the other one was always on the beer.

They're a couple of right lads.

I'm glad there was something in between them and my machine.

I wouldn't want to be exposed to them.

Then

Karig.

Sounds like a folk, fokey kind of band to me.

That sounds super folky, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Then the survival string band.

Okay.

Then Rumeliata.

It all sounds a bit like Enya adjacent Celtic kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's the vibe on this stage, definitely.

Yeah.

Then there's a bit of a left turn from that vibe, which is a band called Lovely Money.

Okay.

It's quite 80s.

That's so 80s.

Lovely money.

Then at 9pm, Billy Bragg, your mate?

Change health policy.

Reinvest money from different things in the health policy, education policy.

Is that offensive, by the way, that Billy Bragg impression?

Only to Billy Bragg, who can take take it up.

Yeah, he might not like it.

And then the headliner on that stage was Louden Wainwright III.

Wow.

He's good, right?

He's big.

He's the father of the other Wainwright.

Of Bruce.

Of Rufus.

Yeah.

Bruce.

Of Rufus Rainwright.

Loudoun Rainwright.

He's a proper big cheese, right?

Yeah.

To think that I trod the same boards as him.

Maybe you might have played with Rufus.

Backstage.

Can I just say I played with Rufus?

Oh, played with Rufus.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Yeah, backstage.

Yeah, Rufus was probably

knocking about, a little sort of stage kid.

So My Machine essentially was.

So my school, every year

there was Mind Machine.

It was an all-boys school, but it was 12 boys in black leotards doing Mime.

And every year, it was like K-pop in the sense that every year there was a Mime Machine, but every year

only 12 boys were in it.

If you would imagine it.

It was bigger than any individual man or boy.

It was...

Yeah.

Exactly.

The concept of Mime Machine was bigger than all machine machine machine machine.

It was an institution.

So we were merely passengers

within an invisible bus.

At what age do you age out of Mind Machine?

You know what, Ben?

That's a great question.

I'm going to say, one is, I've got two answers to that.

One is, do we ever really age out of Mind Machine?

Okay.

And two is 13.

Because then you leave the school and you can't still be a Mind Machine, essentially.

It It was a top year, top boys.

So yeah, so every year there was a My Machine and it was like, you were the hallowed ones.

It was a big deal to be in My Machine and to not be in My Machine.

Yeah.

And at the time it felt like, you know, it was quite, it was, in a way, it was a bit bad because you weren't in My Machine, you felt really left out.

I think there was basically there was a mental health toll to not being in My Machine at the time.

Although I think looking back, I think there was a heavier mental health toll than being in My Machine.

There was a toll either way, either way you sliced it.

Careful what you wish for when it comes to MIME.

When it comes to MIME.

Exactly.

Because you may find yourself trapped in a very real transparent box of your own creation.

Anyway.

That you guys used to practice in.

Yeah.

You practice in a real transparent box, Mike, again and again and again and again and again and again until hang on, he's taken away the transparent box.

Yes, you've been doing it without the transparent box for half an hour.

Thanks, I can fly.

Oh no, we've lost another one.

You can't just mean you can fly.

Oh no.

We've got to stop doing these training camps next to r the cliffs of Dover.

Anyway.

So the way my machine worked was

leotards.

Twelve-year-old boys.

You you put one inside the other.

So we did things called machines.

So the one I always remember was called the breakfast machine.

And a toaster.

But that was one of them, yeah.

Right.

Well, there was toaster and there was toast.

In fact, I just remember I hadn't thought of that for years until that just brought it back to me.

So two of of us were toast.

A boy, I remember who it was.

I'll call him Kodrak

Kodrak

III.

Kodrak III.

I can picture him.

Marquis of Patagonia.

Yeah.

There was a lot of South American aristocracy at my school.

Kodrak III.

So I remember him, he would wake up, he would do a piss, a mime piss.

Well, a mime piss by

the time we were doing it on stage.

Obviously,

practice with real piss.

Until

Kodrak, you haven't been actually pissing for half an hour.

Oh, my God.

Not even your real dick, Godrack.

We removed that half an hour ago as well.

That's right, Kodrak.

And we're not on the third floor of a...

of a provincial hotel.

That entire provincial hotel is mimed as well.

But that is Billy Bragg.

that is billy bragg

anyway point being yeah we'd do this machine so so contract he'd get up he'd do a wee there was a kid playing the toilet he'd lift up the lid

and then there was a kid playing the radio he'd hit something and it was that's it the radio would wake him up so a kid was playing the radio then he'd walk in to the kitchen two kids with a toast there was a kid with a toast he'd lower the toast That's it, they were bread.

I think they started off.

So you'd always announce what you were.

So they'd go bread.

And then he'd lower it.

And then he'd pop up and go, toast.

So these things would happen one after us.

No?

All these people that are also just have just woken up after a night watching the water boys, the pogues, Ruby Turner, and the psychedelic furs.

They are on a heavy, heavy, heavy come-down.

That's what it is.

Also,

there isn't even Churros to keep on.

Churros isn't going to appear for like 30 years.

We're 30 years away from Churros.

There isn't even decent coffee.

There's Nescafe or tea, I think.

Has ibuprofen been invented yet?

No,

you've got to wait for seven hours until there's a battered sausage available.

Yeah.

So it's tough times.

And then so my one, so then there was bacon.

There were two guys going, come in and go, bacon.

They lay down, they start frying,

frying, sitting as they were frying.

Which actually particularly annoying when it's breakfast time, when it's 11 a.m.

You actually want a fry up.

Yeah.

And you have to watch a mime one.

That'll explain a lot of the tooth marks that I found in my legs.

Subsequent days.

Anyway,

and my one was somebody who was doing muesli, and I'd come on and go like this.

A nut.

That was my part.

I did that three times.

I'd go off and come back on everything, we did it three times, and I'd come back on, what a longer

a nut.

And it was

because it only had two words.

I had to really hit it.

I was like, I've got to really hit a nut, Henry.

Really make him believe it this time.

How would a nut say a nut?

Would would it would it say a nut?

Probably wouldn't actually.

Getting trapped to your own head, Henry.

You're getting trapped to your own head.

I've got the mime twisties.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't do it.

How often do you enter a room and say, oh man?

People just don't do it.

We're losing you, Henry.

Cyril,

give him a mime slap, but on his real face.

The whole thing was controlled by my headmaster, who would be sat using a bongo, which he would hit with a stick.

So he'd go, bam!

He'd hit the bongo with a stick, and you'd come on, do your bit.

He'd hit it with the stick, and you'd do the next bit.

So then, when Kodrak III had worked his way through the whole thing, they all paused, and then the headmaster hit his bongo with a stick again, and then the whole thing happened at the same time.

So it was a cacophony.

Nut, poor token,

And that was the machine.

You see, the mind machine was happening.

This kind of like

pretty heady stuff.

And then you need to whack it with the bongo again.

God, it's exhausting, isn't it?

Move on to the next step.

I wasn't just even hearing about it.

Sounds rubbish.

Yeah.

Well, some stuff was

too

new.

I mean, look, I'm not saying it's necessarily better than the cure.

I might not know why I don't like Mondays.

Oh, that's not the cure, is it?

Friday I'm in love is what you're thinking of.

Oh, shit.

You went Geldof.

You steered hard into Geldof.

Can you just say that the Geldof band was there, Ben?

Oh, well, look.

Oh, hang on.

I mean, it's like also

playing were.

The Geldof band.

Bob's Geldof band, which were called

Boomtown Rats.

Boomtown Rats.

There we go.

Well, I tell you what.

I don't know for sure why I don't like Mondays, but I know why I don't like Saturday mornings around 11am at the acoustic stage.

Because there's an absolute dog shit show on.

Sunday's quite good.

I mean, simply red.

Wow.

Quite gross.

Yeah.

Madness, great.

Nice.

Madness won this band.

They've just carried on going.

Do they do a festival, don't they?

Mad Stock?

Yeah.

Do they do that every year?

I don't know, but I love Madness.

All I remember about my experience, I don't think we saw.

So was Bowie not on?

Have I made that up?

No, Bowie.

Definitely not.

No, I don't know why.

That's a completely false.

That's false memory syndrome, isn't it?

You're getting mixed up between Bowie and who's the guy from Simply Red?

McCucknell.

McAugnal.

That's right.

I remember a man with a shimmering, shimmering sense of charisma that was just

took all of our breaths away.

A man that could reinvent himself ceaselessly.

A small pudgy ginger man.

Slightly more pudgy ginger man.

With dreadlocks.

Dreadlocks.

Would you like some spectacular news?

Yes, please.

Yes, please.

We paused a second ago and I had a knock at the door at the back.

Your back door?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I think I know what this might be.

No.

Because it's very easy for my neighbours

who are good friends for us to go into each other's gardens.

There's a sort of shared bin alley area and all that kind of stuff.

And I was very excited.

I think you renamed him Bob.

Oh, Bob and Ruth from next door.

Who's been doing a bit of gardening?

And who should he have found?

No.

Alive and well.

Egg himself.

Yes.

Alive and well.

Egg's back.

He was under our noses the whole time.

He was on one of the nearest, like the very nearest flowerbed to their kitchen, basically.

We thought Egg had died.

We had got to the point because we're now, it's late March.

We'd had a good spell of sunny weather.

Egg's friend and contemporary, T, had emerged a few weeks ago.

Who's T?

T is is

a slightly further away tortoise who had gone to hibernate at a similar time.

They might even be brothers.

But and T's owners had reported that T had emerged from hibernation.

But still no egg.

And also before the good weather, we'd had very, very, very frosty weather.

And

there's a neighbor down the road who's had many tortoises in this time, and

he had said just the other day to Bob and Ruth, listen, you need to let go of egg.

Egg is dead.

No!

Egg is dead.

I've seen this before countless times.

Oh, my God.

Egg is dead.

Don't wish your life away waiting for a tortoise that ain't never going to come back.

And I made the same mistake with my ex-wife.

Please!

Your egg's cooked.

Yeah, I made the same mistake with my ex-wife.

People say I shouldn't have married a tortoise.

And I said, yeah, it was just a metaphorical tortoise that happened to actually also be a tortoise though

oh my god I've just laid eyes on him yeah did it emerge itself or did did they have to harden it out yeah I think Bob was was working on this on this flower bed so I don't know if that lot gave him the final prod to to wake up

just a bit of disturbed earth nearby

and Bob turned back to to cover it with a bit of this and that and noticed someone's coming up and who should it be

thank god it was egg it wasn't you know

what Gary Lineker, for example, or anyone else.

It was Egg.

Yeah.

Imagine if it was, if you unearthed and it was just Titch March's face.

Yeah.

Alive.

Yeah.

Looking at you.

Face up.

Face up, eyes up.

He doesn't even blink.

Doesn't even blink.

Doesn't bother him.

You know what I would do?

I'd carefully place,

reform the soil back over his head, pat it down.

Yeah.

And never speak of the incident again.

Pave over it.

Pave over it as soon as possible.

Call one of those emergency paving companies But mainly cater to serial killers, to be there.

We can pave quick.

We can pave fast.

We can pave.

No questions asked.

That's right.

It's anonymouspaves.com.

Well, that's terrific news.

Are they giving him a big feed now?

I would have thought so.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I literally, I mean, yeah, Bob, knew we were recording, so I've just, you know, just popped out and popped back in again.

I assume, yeah, he's got to be.

He's got to be ready to go.

Well, you'd bring out the special letters, wouldn't you, on an occasion like this?

I reckon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe some rocket.

Cannabis.

Hopefully, genetically engineered super skunk.

Well,

see you in the autumn, egg.

Egg, it's time for you to go on the ride of your life.

And that's a ride into your own mind.

It's your own cashoo-sized mind.

Your own cashew-sized and shaped mind.

What demons will you find therein?

Basically, none, because basically you just live on instinct entirely and you don't get

at the most.

You'll sort of hallucinate letters where there isn't any letters.

Most of that cashew is needed for sort of basic functions, really.

Yeah.

So did you see Egg?

Did he bring you?

I did see Egg.

Oh, how's he looking?

Hail and hearty.

You know, a little bit soil-covered, but yeah, he's basically just doing his spring stretches, really.

To be fair,

they often look tired, don't they?

Tortoises, it's just, yeah, that's why it's not really in tortoise society.

You don't say, you don't say

you look well, or you don't, you know, there isn't really a thing of that because they all look pretty fucked, don't they, a lot of the time?

They're just

the way they're built.

Well, I'm so glad that there's a happy ending to that tortoise and to that tortoise story, to that egg story.

Thank goodness.

And the fact that it happened live during a pod is pretty pretty magical.

It's lovely.

What I'm amazed by is that Egg was able to bury himself in such a way that it wasn't obvious where he was.

That's really good work, isn't it?

He's incredibly hard to spot anyway.

Even when I went round just now and it's quite a small flower bird and it was pointed out to me, it took me a minute to like pinpoint

where he's extraordinary in terms of his.

Because tortoises are so good at burying themselves, they're also very good at faking their own murders.

That's right.

It's something you need to watch out.

It's an insurance scam.

It's a big, big tortoise insurance scam.

That's how they most of them make a living.

Now, if you think you're being scammed by a tortoise,

do ring the action line.

Ask yourself some basic questions.

Did the tortoise say it was going kayaking, for example?

Because that's one of the tells.

Was it off its lettuce?

Because that's not possible.

If it was off its lettuce, it was pretending to be off its lettuce.

Something to look out for.

And do check its socials.

Yeah.

Do check its socials it might just be that you get a couple of pictures of the of the tortoise in lanzarossi on instagram or the galapagos or the galapagos surrounded by massive sexy tortoises

so it sounds like there's loads of tortoises in your area mike

well i know of two i assume there are more i don't yeah well there's two then there's a bloke who married a tortoise there's a bloke they they got but they're they're in their post tortoise phase of life now okay they've been burned too many times

because like sorry to bring this up, Mike.

If you bought a tortoise now for your family, which I think you should do,

it would outlive you.

That would be the expectation, yes.

So, does that mean you have to put in kind of like planning for

who looks after, like, do you have to set up a whole sort of trust, yeah.

Yeah.

A trust with a board,

power of attorney, power of attorney, yeah, various, yeah, various signatures are needed, aren't they, to make decisions on behalf of the the tortoise?

Yeah.

They'll need butler, maids, emanuensis, paralegals, the works.

Can you purchase future lettuce?

Is that allowed?

Because obviously you don't know what the lettuce market's going to do.

So is that there are kind of

high risk.

Presuming gains are potentially massive

from

trading in lettuce.

Because also, because

you're actually a lettuce billionaire, aren't you?

But

it's all tied up in lettuce.

Theoretical lettuce.

But that is what my financial advisor tells me.

You can never see the lettuce, can you, Mike?

I can't see the lettuce.

He says that that might damage the lettuce.

You know, the fact that your financial advisor looks almost exactly like a tortoise.

That's just a genetic condition, isn't it?

You're pretty sure.

I remember you told me, Mike, you strode down to a financial advisor, didn't you?

Because you started to think something was up.

And you said, look, at least show me some of this lettuce, just to prove there's some.

And he got a little bit at it, didn't he?

He said, Look, look at this.

It's just the tip of the iceberg.

All right.

Yeah, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Up yours.

I went away feeling really reassured.

Up yours, Britain.

We're here to stay.

It was very unclear who he was swearing at.

We don't want to change, and we're not going to change.

I'm saying that to everyone who voted Romaine.

Come on!

Come on!

Another little gem.

Bang!

Oh, my God.

He's speaking in lettuce tongues.

Someone's already stuck a rocket at my arse.

Oh, my God.

I just can't think of a single one.

He's done it all.

All I can think of is there's no dust on that potato, which isn't even a phrase.

That's why Henry Packer's financial services are not doing as well.

They're not doing as well.

Bonjourmin's pun-based financial system.

The fact that your financial advisor has upgraded to a bigger shoebox with even more air holes in it

doesn't worry you, does it?

Changing his hay twice a year these days.

You know what?

I'm so glad that Egg's been found alive.

And it means I don't, because I won't ever get to read out the eulogy I wrote for him.

Yeah.

Because I had prepared for this.

But I mean, I could let you hear it now if you want.

Sure.

We're gathered here today

in St.

Paul's Cathedral.

I look around the world, I see heads of state.

Heads of letters.

And presumably you're also going to be doing this in French, German, Portuguese, Swahili, right?

You're going to.

Yeah.

Well, there's a bank.

The first two rows of pews is all simultaneous translators.

Yeah.

Okay.

I would like to thank Bob Geldoth for coming here today.

I would like to thank Mick Cucknell, Billy Bragg,

everyone who was there.

The stuffed corpse of Neil Armstrong.

I'd like to thank Timothy Berners-Lee for being here.

I'd also like to thank Bernard Matthews for being here.

Berners-Timothy Lee.

Bernard Timothy.

Timothy Berners.

Matthew Bernard.

That was an

accident.

That was a mistake.

It was a clerical error, but thank you for coming anyway.

And Bernard Hugh Mapeth.

Now, Egg.

If you look at this, this is just library footage of a

hedgehog.

Why?

Why?

It's a shame because

you were hoping to book the big inflatable tortoise head that comes out the front door of St.

Paul's Cathedral, so the dome looks like it's a shell.

That's the one we were hoping.

Unfortunately, it's on the wrong button, and you've got the library footage of a hedgehog from 1987.

Actually, you know what?

What's that, Bob Goldoff?

Yes, why don't you play an acapella version of one of your songs from your from the cover?

You could play an acapella version of one of your songs from Boomtown Rats.

Yeah, or even better, someone else's song.

Yeah.

Why don't you play someone else's song?

Because the only one we've ever heard of is Don't Like Mondays, and actually, I don't like that song very much.

From David.

No, but what I would say is.

He did one other good song called Rat Trap.

Did he?

Just putting that out.

There you go.

It's good.

Egg

was a

male or female tortoise

plucked

from this earth in the inevitable way that happens to

all of us and to tortoises.

Well, lifted away by an eagle.

Dashed on some rocks.

Or the head of a Greek dramatist.

It's the moment that awaits all of us, isn't it?

Plucked from the earth.

Before you know it.

Whoop!

You go, you go, way!

Former time, but but fine, go for it.

Yep, no, yep,

yep, we knew it was coming.

Okay, time to tweet some emails.

Yes, please.

And Patrick from Washington, D.C.

has sent in a version of the email jingle.

Oh, wow, brilliant.

Please find attached a version of your email jingle done in the style of gravel-voiced alt-music icon Tom Waits.

Oh, nice.

It was inspired by your discussion of the most sonically unpleasant sounds.

I love Tom Waits, but generally can't listen to more than a few songs at any one go, as his voice is.

Well, Tom Waits.

Love of the show, Patrick.

Let's see.

Thanks, Patrick.

When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters who came before.

name, Mr.

Postman,

anything for me,

just

some old shit

when you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot

doing

all

wars

like

That's outstanding.

Top marks.

Now, Patrick, I thought you said that you pretended to be.

That was Tom Waits, wasn't it?

It must have been.

Yeah, it must have been.

Otherwise, Patrick's done some pretty serious damage to himself.

That's Tom Waits.

Tom Waits is pretending to be Patrick for reasons that aren't clear.

Yeah, yeah.

So thank you.

Thank you, Tom slash Patrick.

Thank you, Tom slash Patrick.

Brilliant.

Tell you what we've not had for a while,

a bollocking.

That's true.

Okay.

It's time for listener bollocking of the week.

Great.

Yeah.

Accessing listener bollocking.

Bollocking loading.

Bollocking loaded.

This is bollocking that he's addressing to all of us, but I think it was my fault, so I will take the brunt of this bollocking.

Okay.

I think I was saying that a caiman

was a kind of puny, small reptile that you'd have no problem

kicking in the head, which is not very pleasant, but

I felt I could deal with one.

Yeah.

And we suggested they could be used as a sort of live wallet/slash handbag, didn't we?

I think we did, yeah.

Anyway, Dan from Somerset writes, Hi, Beans.

The black caiman can exceed five meters in length.

What?

That's a hell of a wallet.

They will fuck you up.

Cheers, Dan.

Okay.

Wow.

Crumbs.

That's big.

That's half of a 10-metre-wide swimming pool.

But in length.

But in length.

We assume.

Yeah, we assume.

So that's pretty.

That's a hell of a digestive tract, isn't it?

You'll be a long time in that, won't you?

If you get swallowed whole.

Imagine being swallowed whole.

Those poor animals you see when they've been swallowed whole, you can still see their silhouette.

Bloody hell.

Oh, do you want another bollocking?

Sure, let's keep them coming.

This is from Sean.

Hi, Beans.

Hi, Sean.

I'd like to add my voice to what I can only imagine is a deafening chorus of bollockers giving Mike and Ben a hard time

for saying that Harold Hadrada was king of England.

Oh, God.

Harold Godwinson was king following Edward the Confessor and defeated Harold Hadrada at the Battle of Stanford Bridge in 1066.

Only then to be done over by William the Conqueror, later the Conqueror, that same year.

That's embarrassing, isn't it?

So is that not the Harold who got that?

Is that the one who got the arrow in the eye?

Because I remember from doing 1066 at school that

everyone, and it was taught in quite a sort of jingoistic way

of like,

and

it was like one of those, you know, one of those films where you know the end.

Yeah.

You know it's bad, but you still, every time you watch it, you still sort of hope for a good outcome.

Marley and me.

Marley and me.

Yeah.

You still hope that Marley will die, but his owner will befriend a scientist that brings Marley back to a kind of mechanoid semi-life.

Isn't it?

You still hope that's going to happen.

All it can do is defecate and shriek.

So I remember when we studied it, it was like, oh, please, please, come on, come on, guys.

We can beat the Normans because we've never been invaded before and we've never been invaded since, which I've learned last week was a complete lie.

All we've ever been is invaded in Britain.

It's just been constant wave after wave after wave of invasion.

But I remember that what happened was Harold went north.

There was a sort of twin, there was a sort of twin attack was happening.

I think it's because everyone in the world just knew, if you want to invade somewhere, just go to Britain.

It's an absolute fucking cake walk.

It's a cakewalk.

Although, I warned you their cakes aren't very nice.

So it's a sort of like sort of

moldy old muffin with some raisins stuck in walk.

Anyway, they went north.

They fought and won the first battle.

And also, I very much pictured it in my mind as you'd sort of go, you'd sort of take an army north, and then people would come out of their huts and come out of wheelbarrows and stuff, and

come out of barrels and just like join and grab grab like a hoe or a rake or something to join you.

Just see what's going on, just see what's going on, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, get involved, exactly.

Like, nothing's happened in this village since since that time when someone lost an onion,

and we blamed it on that witch.

Harold and his army beat beat away this this.

Yeah, so I think that's the Battle of Stamford Bridge.

So that was up north somewhere, I think.

Yeah.

And so

was that Vikings that was being fought?

Yeah, so that I've had to.

It was, yeah, so

that was Harold Godwinson, a.k.a.

Harold II,

versus Harold Hard Rider

in Yorkshire, basically.

Then they came south

to fight the Normans.

And I think there was sort of the way it was taught to us was like,

we shouldn't have lost.

You know, it was we and kind of that kind of vibe, like we shouldn't have lost the Battle of Hastings.

Harold made a few key mistakes, bullet points, one, two, three, should have done this, this.

Very much a sense of like,

this is an aberration.

We should have won the Battle of Hastings.

It was really frustrating.

And I think

he went too quickly.

He should have spent more time just like gathering the army and sort of resting in between these two battles, but he tried to do it in sort of too

quickly.

And then the other thing, which I remember discussing a lot at school around the Battle of Hastings, was if you could get in the time machine, go back in time, and it was just you and a mini like a car a mini yeah

and like a chainsaw could you change the could you change the outcome could you win the Battle of Hastings

so there was a lot of talk about what what would be enough to change it you'd have got absolutely killed in seconds with your mini yeah

I don't even want to think about you operating a chainsaw

what you do to yourself even I mean it would be it would be a terrifying sight for the Normans to see a man chop himself asunder mince himself The man in the wheeled metal horse has cut off his own head.

Right, on with the battle.

Ignore that.

It's just a bit weird.

It's an omen of some sort.

Not sure what it means.

Don't ruin the tapestry by putting that on it.

Don't put it on the tapestry.

It'll be completely impenetrable.

No one will know what it means.

But you could put it as a hanky, which could be like a sort of

subscriber extra for the subscribing to the tapestry.

They could get like a hanky with that on it, maybe.

They could blow their nose on it.

Yeah.

Well, I'm accepting.

So that's Bollocking accepted from me.

Absolutely, likewise.

Yeah, yeah.

Bollocking accepted.

And for the previous one, which I accept them both.

Thanks for that, Ben.

Heroic.

You took a bollock for us.

Much like Harold taking the arrow in the eye.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com

forward slash free bean salad.

Thanks to you, Joan, who's signed up on our Patreon.

Yes, thank you very much indeed.

Thank you very much.

If you'd like to watch video episodes, you can do that on Patreon.

You also get bonus episodes.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge.

You certainly do.

And you were there this weekend, weren't you?

I was, yeah.

Because it was

Cream Egg Roulette, wasn't it?

It was.

Thank you, Ben.

And here's my report.

It was Cream Egg Roulette last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which started with Al Mario 13, Jimmy Leggs, Oliver Welsh, and Andrew McCafferty tossing a red 33 off the sideboard and winning a jet ski with a figurehead that looked like Richard Holden, smelt like Michael Craven, and sang like Joe Smith.

Big G put everything on evens, including Perksy, Andy previously of Derby, Rachel Mundy, James Richardson, and Ronan Gerrard, all of whom were later won back off the house in a side game of craps by Craig Buffton and Beth from Bremen, before being lost again to Alexandra Verbeck, Ramon Keen, Bessie and Jukar in a high-stakes thumb war.

On the triple-cylinder beanball wheel, Rocklin, Sprightly Mark Lightly Sparks, Mario Tedeschini, Douglas Fife and Jay Edwards launched a sit-in protest on the Voisin du Zeros after Ali Morgan, DJ Gazzi Jeff, Texi Melotia, and Cat Y were discovered cheating by using a series of magnets and by manipulating the gravitational pull of the moon.

The protesters were spun off by Harry Lambert and Marianne Smith and replaced by roulette wheel-trained thoroughbred horses, jockeyed by Will Boseman, Sarah Moore, James Ellison, Joel Little and Aaron Nias.

In the stampede to witness this, Amadablam, Luke Manner, Ali Wright and Lois Burge were trampled to the width of snake-eyes.

Not by stallions, but by fellow Sean Bean loungers Jasmine Simmons, Lois, Mandy Moonlight Ting as Samantha, Zobot Hill, Zach Robinson and Rashida, all of whom are eligible for shoe-valleying at the Sean Bean Timpsons.

On the aquatic roulette wheel, Johnny Pickle and Simon Trino were found to have drowned in salt water.

Even though the wet casino was mildly brackish at best, Kate Newrick decided to fulfill a long-held ambition and solve the murders, but quickly went the way of so many before her and pinned it on a series of fool guys, including Thomas M., Angus Roberts, Chris Mick, Nick and Abby, all of whom are being held in the Sean Bean Remand Zone until the Sean Bean justice system is properly up and running, which is scheduled for 2043.

Victoria Piedade, Katie Garner, Matt Christmas, Paul R.

and Karen R tossed a lucky Dave Makebeer hoping for a black 17, but got a rich W ricochet via Caroline McCarthy and Marcus Reed on the left bank, and James Ladds Helen Stanton and George Garforth in the Forbidden Number of Mystery.

Kev McCullough and Craig chose the wrong-sized ball completely, causing JH3721, who was acting Croupier, to requisition the assistance of Robert Cocking, Karl Schwarzer, Claire Stevenson and four strong huskies in girdles.

Daniel Reid diagnosed the oversized ball to be in fact a bowling ball, which immediately led Nicole C., Tom Rivers, Gary Wilcox, Shelley Anderson, Anderson, Fergus Mooney, and Ross and Rebecca to claim strikes, even though the implications of such an achievement were unclear.

David McBride claimed a half-strike and was widely ridiculed.

Thank goodness for Ellen Wigg, who at this stage in proceedings pointed out that not a single cream egg had been used in the cream egg roulette event and that there was not a cream egg in sight.

Carris, Will M, and Jenny from Eugene were sent to investigate.

Ryan Winspeer was sent to the toilet and McSweeney was sent to Coventry and pretty soon it was discovered that the cream eggs had been taken to the shame suite and were being gorged upon with abandon by the slathering morphs of Sean Gray, Stephanie Powers, You'll Never Get Rich, Daniel Coleman, Ben Jay, Damien and Alex with the rappers being consumed by Timmy Taylor and Felix T.

Barn Tom Van Chung III, Stephanie Hutt and Yes were able to retrieve a single cream egg from an owl-esque pellet coughed up by Neil Gregon and play resumed.

Jim Miller put everything on legs 11 and lost his Hyundai i10 to the cat pig, who in turn lost it to Matt Cody, who lost it to Matt Barnes who lost it to Charles, who used it to hand over secret weapons plans with Darlow in return for an empty decoy i10, which was won by Lucy Mack before Charles Pumber successfully went double or nothing, thus winning a Hyundai i20, into which Meyer, Debs O'Grady, Will Menzies, Lightning Brain Jim, Marika W, and Tom Allwood clambered and declared permanent squatting rights.

Dan Turner and Eric Greensmith turned up late with a cream egg roux lard and are in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot.

And this was sent in by Mason from Chicago.

Oh, wow.

Cool.

The wind of city.

Very cool indeed.

Mason writes, Dear Beans, please find the touch to Coveriville theme tune in the style of the American rock band band, The Black Crows.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, I don't know them.

I've not listened to them for yonks.

So we'll listen to that now.

And see you next time.

Goodbye.

Thank you very much, Mason.

Thank you, everyone, for listening.

Cheerio.

Thank you.

Bye.

Do buy tickets for our tour.

Yes.