D.I.Y.

Before we start,

I might mention that although this is kind of a thing we talked about on Patreon, we watched a film called Hundreds of Beavers that we all enjoyed.

Yes.

And the filmmaker of that is coming to the UK and they're doing a load of screenings and kind of QA's.

Oh, really?

They're doing a kind of tour of the film.

Yeah.

Oh, amazing.

Oh, wow.

So

if you hear us talking about that and you want to go and see it in the cinema, which is how it needs to be seen, I would say.

Go and see it.

Go and see it.

Well, it's a good communal view for sure.

Exactly.

Whole family.

Yeah.

Whole family.

I think if you just Google Hundreds of Beavers, you'll find it.

Yeah.

And we'll put the link to Google in the show notes.

The link to Google, yeah.

But honestly, it's a gateway to so much information.

It's extraordinary, isn't it?

Yeah.

That really changed the way I used the internet when I found out about that.

Yes, because you were having to do HTTP and all that jazz, weren't you?

I was having to guess URLs by.

You were having to guess URLs.

Yeah.

Which you did get quite good at, to be fair.

Yeah.

And you'd still do that live tour thing sometimes where you guess URLs on stage.

That's right.

Yeah.

But it wasn't wasted, even in the learning stage.

I mean, you went down some interesting avenues, didn't you?

You've accumulated some very unusual knowledge as a result of your accidental URL.

That's right.

You can make out you can make a a hand grenade, can't you, just out of dead wooden creature skeletons?

Isn't it?

Sort of that deep web stuff that people don't come across.

Yeah, because you guys on Google, you're in the shallow end, really.

Very much shallow end.

Very, very mainstream.

Just things like a guy that makes eggs using an espresso machine.

Yeah, it's water wings information.

Once you start guessing URLs, though, some of the stuff you'll end up seeing

scales fall from your eyes, don't they?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, Ben, you could basically from memory now, you could draw a pretty much a functioning sort of battleship, yeah.

Everything that a shipbuilder would need.

Battle galleon, technically.

Battle galleon, yeah, yeah.

Oak-made.

Oak-made battle galleon.

But you could you could give that to just a standard high street high street shipbuilder and they could put together something functional, couldn't they?

Based on your blueprints.

Yeah, if I had enough oak.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hard to get these days.

There's not enough

sort of virgin forest in Britain these days to properly build a really good armadre of galleons.

But isn't that why you're stockpiling oak?

Isn't that your...

That's well, that's part of of it, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm also paneling my house, Mike.

Ben, you've got so many long-term passive income schemes, haven't you, from all your RL deep dives that you've done randomly over the years, haven't you?

It's mainly just oak, to be honest.

It's mainly a lot of just oak.

It's oak stuff, isn't it?

And it's not really giving me any kind of income.

No.

It's more sapping all of my resources as I plow more and more of my own money into oak.

Yeah.

And sap is the right word, isn't it?

Because you've got huge amounts of sap that you have to deal with.

Well, I mainly eat and drink sap, you say.

It's very hard to monetize sap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is why you've got that kind of people say you've got like acorn cheeks, but actually you are almost like 30 or 40% acorn, aren't you, in terms of onicellular level now?

Yeah, mainly acorn.

Yeah.

And of course, that means that your skin now has the consistency of wet bark.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

It's horrible.

Which is very unsightly,

as well as uncomfortable.

But luckily, nature has shrouded you in a moss poncho.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Well, speaking of something that's covered up with the moss poncho, the bean machine.

Lovely.

Really nice.

Master of the Segue.

I have had to cover it with a moss poncho.

Yeah.

Well, that keeps it warm in the winter and it gets it ready for spring, doesn't it?

Indeed.

When it sprouts mushrooms from every crevice, every pipe, isn't it?

It's very, very painful for fun.

Full of very, very painful.

And they're completely toxic mushrooms.

And come the wild hogs to eat it, feast upon it, and spread the seed.

Exactly.

They debride me of fungus.

But then again, that is also very painful when

the wild hog come as you hear.

You hear the clattering of hooves, and you've got about 20 minutes to get ready.

That's right.

They clatter, don't they?

Because

it's in a sort of concrete, it's in a multi-story car park area, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's where I live.

Yeah.

So you live in an entire ECP car park, don't you?

NCP.

Put it this way: if you've ever gone to a multi-story car park and you've gotten the lift and you go, oh, it smells a piss in here.

Yeah.

You assume it's because someone naughty is pissing that.

It's actually because hundreds of wild hogs are pissing it

on their way up or down to feast on mushrooms from the bee machine.

Yeah.

It's a crucial part of the ecosystem, so don't stress about it.

Exactly.

I pick a different multi-story car park every year.

This year it will be in Lewisham.

So the one you've been in in Coventry, you're leaving that fallow for a few years now.

That's quite a nice way of managing the terrain.

And what happens is cars then park in it, don't they?

When you're not using it.

and that kind of brings it back to life again.

But so if anyone wants to go shopping in central Lewisham this year, it's probably going to be a bit of a struggle, isn't it?

I'd say use the use the shop, what's it called, the ride and the shop and ride?

The shop and bus.

Use the shop and shop and bus.

What's it tried?

Park and ride.

Park and ride.

Use the park and ride.

Okay, here's a little pop quiz.

Which of us here has used a park and ride the most times in their life?

Right, it's not you, because I think you've probably never used a park and ride.

Correct.

I'm currently on zero park and rides.

I will take a park and ride if I ever visit Bath.

It's the best way to visit that very wise traffic-clogged town.

Yes.

Mike, I'm guessing you've park and rided quite a few times.

I have.

I have met.

There are other cities.

Yeah, you're sort of.

Your pretty small cities tend to be quite good for the park and ride.

As you say, Bath, your Oxfords, your Cambridges, York's,

that kind of thing.

you're on a safe bet with a park so park and ride for people that don't know is a system whereby driving to visit a city you park in the suburbs in large car park areas you then queue up in a sort of i imagine a grim sort of squat building with some depressing vending machines in it a close a non-functioning toilet no no there's often no vending There's often no vending machines, no toilets, but there is a great sense of community.

Doesn't it sort of really, really crush your soul at all?

Is there any of that going on in it?

You get used to these things in the provinces.

It's a different sort of normal.

You learn to eschew the finer things in life and learn to appreciate

Debenhams and the fact that the access to Debenhams is semi-pedestrianized.

And if anything goes wrong,

just feel the warm embrace of the one-way system, which will take you around and drop you off exactly again, if need be.

The miracle of the inner bypass.

Precisely so.

Yeah.

Because I feel it would subtract a bit of the glamour of shopping.

Because for me, I jump on a line bike, I go to Savile Row, I go to.

You're measured up.

I'm measured up.

You have a bespoke washing machine made for you?

I have a bespoke washing machine made for you.

I then sip on

a new kind of latte that's got something like turmeric in it or something.

I'll have a turmeric latte, a turmeric foot rub.

I'll have a cumin enema.

Because those are the spices that have just drawn in on the Thames in history, right?

That week.

They're the ones that have just drawn in.

And then that gives the time, then by the time I finish with that, my bespoke washing machine's made.

Have it wrapped and sent to my quarters, you say to the man.

That's right.

And I'll say, sometimes I'll say, I'm a good room and I'll say, get yourself a pair of trousers to boot.

But to my measurements.

Yes, it's a tough tipping system in the old Taylor's game, isn't it?

Meanwhile, I'm in Bath City Centre and I've just dropped a panini on the road.

Yeah.

And that isn't a euphemism, but it can be.

Yeah.

Anyway.

This week's topic, as sent in by Stephen in Oslo.

Oh, so Stephen in Oslo.

International correspondent.

Brilliant.

It's almost a panindromic city.

But it isn't.

Well, only if it was called Osloslow.

Oslos Low.

Any other, are there any panindromic cities, a little thing to think about?

Oh, I mean, I can't think of anything else now.

I bet there's a scandy one

i bet there's something like with with an a and another a and an r in the middle yeah there'll be like a

or something like that there'll be some circles above it well the circles might floor you some lounge yeah i reckon scandy will come up trumps with that is my bet i can think of nothing else now i think i think with that bit of content i've gone too radio for and too far away from joe rogan as as a as a pod experience i don't want us to be joe rogan but i want us to be okay but again it's pushing boundaries isn't it it's like you're hoovering in the pre-show preamble.

You're pushing boundaries.

That's true.

All right, come on, crack on.

Okay.

Apologies.

LA.

LA is so almost a palandrum.

Yeah.

Listen, okay, so apologies in advance, DeLisner.

This isn't Ben's fault at all, but Ben is now only going to be able to think about this for the rest of the episode.

So if he seems like he's phoning it in or not really paying attention, you can't blame the man.

I'm just trying to work out whether Santiago de Compostela is a

palandrum without without Googling.

Are you going to launch the boil and Google it, Henry?

I'm going to lance the boil.

Because also, I would just have to guess at URLs until I find.

Okay, I've got a few.

Okay.

Arda.

It's in the United States, apparently.

Okay.

Asa in Japan.

MA in Nigeria.

Ere in Greece.

Ibi in

Nigeria and Spain, apparently.

Oh no, in the United States and Japan.

SAS, Hungary, and ABBA, Nigeria.

Oh, SAS, Hungary.

SAS, Hungary.

Don't mind if I do.

Sounds like a delightful place for a naughty little away break, doesn't it?

Sas Hungary.

Yeah, lovely.

Get some local Hungarian delicacies and eat them.

Be nice.

I took a gamble that I knew some Hungarian food there.

Sorry, that sentence turns out I didn't.

It's Goolash.

It's good.

It's Goolash.

It's Goolash all the live long day.

I'd love to be the mayor of SAS.

Yeah.

I think, in a way, to me, you are the mayor of SAS, Ben.

You know what I mean?

Or at least a high-ranking council official.

An alderman.

An alderman of SAS.

Head of parking.

The bursa of SLAS.

slash.

Of slash?

The bursa of sas.

Yeah.

When the bins are collected every Saturday night and they're looking fabulous.

Anyway, Stephen's topic.

Yes, please.

As sent

in by Stephen.

Sorry.

I've now got palindromic thinking.

No, no, you're thinking in palindromes.

You're trying to make palindromic sentences.

If you write down Ben's entire,

if you took the minutes, if you scroll down everything Ben says in today's episode, the whole thing will actually be a palindrome.

Well, I'm doing that across a lifetime.

Okay.

So I'm actually, it's much easier.

I'm in the first half, hopefully.

Okay, yeah.

And it's much easier at the moment.

It's going to get very hard in around two or three years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also, unfortunately, because of the way things have

played out, your last, your dying word is going to have to be asparagus, isn't it?

You're going to have to come up with a reason to say asparagus on your deathbed.

Well, it'll be the backwards of the first word I ever said.

Which was

pug ratsapus.

What?

Spagrackapoo.

My parents were very, very worried what was going on.

No, no, that's no, I suppose, yeah, the first thing you said would have been ah, so that's fine.

You can do ah backwards quite easy.

Oh, great.

My last words are going to be ah,

yeah.

You just don't want too many of them, though.

So don't don't go off too high a building.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, what you want is a quick ah, as you as you and then spagh rackapoo.

Yeah.

It is said, isn't it, that the onion child's first word will be spagracapo.

That is true.

They do say that.

So listen out for that.

Anyway, Stephen's topic is

DIY.

Bloody hell, mate.

Well, you've come to the right guy.

Sit back and enjoy the show.

It's going to be more of a tutorial, to be honest.

Let's start with your basics.

Hammers.

Get as many as you can.

Get as many as you can.

get as many just horde them

all the different types of hammers right which are i mean take it away henry yeah so you want your you want your

your

hammer that

that bashes stuff in but also your hammer that that pulls stuff back out again yeah it's a doll hammer isn't it it's a doll hammer yeah uh sledgehammer sister sledgehammer MC MC hammer MC hammer toffee hammer yeah and um probably if you're looking at time of day to buy those I'd probably go for hammer time when they're fresh when they're fresh, yeah, good fun, lovely fun, yeah.

No, so you want um, yeah, mini hammers, so like even if they might look quite silly, some of those tiny hammers, but you don't, you know, you don't want to be in that situation where your washing machine's falling off the

falling off, and

falling off, falling off the hook that you put to hang it up on the wall.

You've got to hang them up high, haven't you, in case of flooding?

Don't forget your roll plugs, guys.

If you're hanging up a washing machine, get everything above rat height if you can.

So that's three feet or more up the wall.

Yeah, Henry, where do you stand on the thorny issue of mallets?

Well, you know what?

For me, a mallet is just like

a hammer that's a blunt version of a hammer, isn't it?

It's sort of less subtle.

A hammer is more of a precision tool.

A hammer is like the scalpel of the whacking stuff world.

Isn't it?

And then above that, you've got mallets, paddle.

Which is more like a machete.

And then pushing a big man into it.

Yeah, which, of course, luckily we don't have to do anymore.

But then you've got your pans, yeah, you're reversing your I-10, reversing your I-10 and sprung one.

I was still a bit once but I shy with the old DIY following my uh my boo-boo of a couple of months ago off the map.

Is that when you were looking for a tortoise and you fell off a tree?

That one, yeah, yeah.

That shouldn't that suggest don't give this guy access to drills, do not?

It's an abs absolute classic DIY error.

Well, for one thing, you shouldn't have stored all your Alan keys up that tortoise's ass.

I'm going to say that

It was an anti-rust tortoise.

No, so what was your DIY issue, Mike?

Falling off a ladder.

Oh, it was falling off a ladder, wasn't it?

But you were looking for a tortoise, to be fair.

That's how it started, yeah.

Tortoise remains unfound at this time.

I've been a bit DIY shy ever since, to be honest.

So before that, though, Mike,

were you a DIY man?

I have in the last couple of years been slightly emboldened

to give things a go hither and thither.

It's normally not going very well.

For example,

there was nowhere to dry clothes, so I tried to put up one of those, you know, those things that you sort of like a sort of Victorian kitchen type thing where you hoik it up on a rope.

Yeah.

Oh, like in a like.

Edinburgh flats or Scottish

tennis

tennis high ceilings have them solution.

And I read the instructions and I drilled a hole.

and the ceiling and I was like, that felt good.

And I even got one of those little, what are they called?

The stud finder things.

so you yeah so you can theory the so you're not the tinder app

nice yeah lovely bit of wordplay not bad is it so yeah so you can check whether or not there's pipes or electric wires or hot cakes in the uh in the in the wall and i've found it completely impossible to interpret so then for the second hole i need to make i basically made a series of what i called pilot holes in the ceiling and i i basically i just absolutely riddled the ceiling with holes until the next time my brother-in-law came around and he just sorted it out for me it's classic brother-in-law stuff.

You need a brother-in-law, you need a brother-in-law in this situation.

He's so capable as well.

Get yourself a brother-in-law, big hairy arms.

He does.

And he, I mean, when we first moved into this house, he genuinely turned up on their first visit, like to say hello.

He genuinely turned up with a toolbox, knowing full well that that would prevent me from

effing up the whole place.

My wife is quite handy.

She's quite capable, but he's next level.

He's also dangerously reckless.

He's the kind of guy who will rewire stuff.

Oh, wow.

He understands how to do it a bit.

But he will push the limits.

So, have you got one of those drying things now?

Yeah.

Thanks to the old brother-in-law.

That's my dream, David.

It's a real game changer.

I'll send it to you.

To look up and see the sock stalak tights.

Oh, it's lovely.

Dangling down.

Yeah.

But there's some physics involved, isn't there, whereby, like, if they're in the sky, they dry faster for somehow, but I don't know.

Well, the heat goes up from the radiator, doesn't it?

Oh, I see.

But it's also just not in your way.

So instead of just trying to wade through a a pile of wet socks,

they're in the sky.

They're in the sky, the very sky.

Sorry, I'm being a real bragster now.

But that's the magic of having a

brother-in-law.

Sweet, sweet brother-in-law.

Because the irony is that that brother-in-law also has a brother-in-law called Mike Bozniak.

Oh, God.

Who's not fulfilling his brother-in-law obligations at all?

No, but hang on, Henry.

If you are the hairy-armed brother-in-law,

you're looking for something else in your brother-in-law.

Yeah.

So what is he getting out of Mike?

I'm quite parasitic.

I don't think we have a symbiotic relationship.

No, it's more like one of those ants which gets their head eaten by a fungus and becomes a kind of remote control

zombie ant being controlled by a fungus.

Isn't it?

That's the model, isn't it?

So Mike's the fungus?

I think Mike's the fungus.

Unfortunately, his brother-in-law has essentially, I think more and more, because his brother-in-law, for example, now goes to Mike's house with a toolbox.

Essentially, the fungus.

He's essentially a remote control.

He's an automaton or a what's known as a zombie brother

as Ed BL, as a zombie brother-in-law as an ZBL.

So he's become fully a function of Mike's

ineptitudes.

Ineptitudes.

Yeah, pluralize it.

Why not?

Yeah, pluralise it.

I went through it.

The thing with Mike is Mike has, Mike often suffers from this, I feel, which is Mike, because of his face structure

and his

his just general vibe he portrays he he he you give off DIY end yeah urban lumberjack right gives off urban lumberjack he gives off capable pair of hands yeah but

the fact is you've got you've got you've got bread hands in this situation haven't you yeah yeah you've got bread hands they're completely useless they look like hands but they but they can't they simply can't hold a hand function as handsome way

Whereas I don't look like I'd be good at DIY.

I don't sound like I'd be good at DIY.

But actually, I'm surprisingly shit at DIY, despite all that.

I'm I'm a bit worse than you'd expect at the I'm just surprising to people

I'm trying to think if I've ever done any DIY in my life apart from painting and decorating I think the answer might be no I think we're not we're not that we're not that kind of pong you see again if this was Joe Rogan everyone everyone on the everyone involved every guest he's ever had yeah has built would have built a barn would have built a shed that morning yeah yeah they'd have made they'd have made their own sort of ham smoking yes they'd have made ham smoking things for the back garden.

They'd own an axe.

I don't own an axe, for example.

I guess I've put together a lot of Ikea furniture.

Does that count?

Not really.

I don't think so.

I think it makes us feel like we're

doing that.

So, one thing I have done in the world of DIY is put up some pictures.

Yeah.

So my house is a new built house.

So the walls are basically made out of sort of like cardboard boxes and stuff.

And you're meant to put it into a stud

because if you don't, it'll like rip the wall off because it's made of of nothing.

I don't know what you're going to meet.

I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about.

I found in my wife's toolbox, I don't have a toolbox, in my wife's toolbox, that I found one of those little nails.

I had one of those that goes through the ready-made picture-hangy thing for the string.

Do you know what I mean?

The little brackets, Mike.

If you were to say the words, my wife's toolbox on the Joe Rogan podcast,

he's got a flame flow.

You would literally be consumed by flames from a flamethrower Joe Rogan had put together himself

that morning.

I tell you what, if it's instantly solvable in the moment, somehow, I'll do it.

If it involves steps, I just, I just, I can't, I can't face it.

So I've got, yeah, I've got that, that light needs changing.

But do you know what I also can't face employing another human being to do it for me?

Because

that's as much work almost, isn't it?

Yeah.

Now and again, your hand is forced, though, right?

If there's a crisis.

I mean, in the cold snap, for example, we had a little bit of snow very briefly for a day or two.

I tried to frighten one of my daughters

by throwing a snowball at her bedroom window from outside.

And it just went straight through the window.

No.

So you've got to deal with that as it turns out that you can't.

Because you've always told yourself, haven't you?

Then you've run, no, I'm not going to get a glazier round.

I'm going to glaze those window pictures myself.

I'm going to melt down these fragments of broken glass from my daughter's duvet.

Yeah.

And was your daughter scared, Mike?

She was baffled, really.

She didn't understand.

Yeah.

She hadn't realised that I was...

She had initially just thought that

some freak accident had happened or some, you know,

her window had imploded.

Because literally, I mean, glass was covering her

duvet.

I thought you meant because the window was open or the window hadn't been, it went through the, through the glass.

I smashed the window.

Yeah, smashed the window.

But Mike, Mike, Mike, you do a glass.

Mike, you still do a Glass Go Snowball, don't you?

It's from your Ballstill days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a pool cue.

It's a pool cue covered in snow.

It's soaked in vodka for three weeks.

Basted over with pure-cut cocaine,

sesolite.

And then

it's thrown by a teenager that you've hired on the County Lions.

And that'll go through glass.

that will go through glass it's designed to go through glass

design

yeah yeah it'll get through a police van door

yeah it was just a regulation snowball yeah just but i mean i'd clearly overpacked i must have you know overdid it you overdid it you don't know your own strength you don't know your you don't know your own compacting strength

i think mike has a very high compacting strength don't you yeah which should be could put i mean could theoretically could be put to good good use but it just isn't do you know i mean yeah there must be compacting that can be done in DOI, right?

Surely.

I don't know what that would be.

Or somewhere in the world.

Or compacting the contents of a bin down to get a few more days use out of the bin.

I'm quite good at that.

Mike, can I ask you to tell us about what you told the man who came around to fix the window?

Bloody gangs, isn't it?

Local gangs.

Bloody.

I don't know that I necessarily was brave.

I think I may well have implied that snowballs were involved.

Okay.

I may have implied that it could have it could have been the teenage boy next door.

Yes.

Yes.

And he's gone now, isn't he?

To adopt Ruth.

Yeah, he's in Boston right now.

He's learning all about Glasgow snooker cues.

Glasgow snowballs.

I'll see him, right?

I'll see him right.

This is the way it works, right?

If you do bird for me, I'll see you right on the way out.

He understands that.

Yeah, do the bird now.

He will see you snow right

in 10 to 15 years years when you're out,

he'll see you right.

And when you say see you right,

you mean he will make you one toasted sandwich.

With ham or cheese.

With ham and cheese, not both.

And there's no seconds because it is a big clear-up job.

I don't think I covered myself in glory.

No.

Well, you covered your daughter in shards of glass,

which is the opposite of that, anyway.

Yeah.

And freezing cold air and snow.

I did enjoy my temporary fix, though.

I did have a DIY moment there.

Okay.

That was quite fun because I've never done that.

I've never had to board up a window before.

No, it's a nice feeling when you board up a window.

Oh, there's nothing like it.

It hasn't been done.

I did once trip over my daughter's drum kit when it was in our bedroom and landed in our window of our bedroom and smashed the entire bedroom window.

How why are your windows so weak?

I think

I think it was, I think,

I think my wife boarded that one up.

This one I boarded up, though.

Is your house like an episode of bottom, just people smashing into things?

I think, you know, that sound effect you get in slapstick comedies of lots of pans clattering.

Yeah.

Our house makes that sound all the time.

Yeah, you can barely take a step.

I would, by the way, be interested in listener DIY disasters.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, we have had a few people putting nails through their hands while listening to the podcast.

There There was a kind of stigmata thing happening as well.

There's a space of those going on.

It's because people just want to feel something

when they're deep into one of my anecdotes.

There's a sense of like,

I need to reconnect with myself as a human being.

I need to feel like I'm living on this earth.

Yeah, and people have been known to use carjacks to crank their entire bodies in half, haven't they, during my anecdote about the birthday card?

They just want to reacquaint themselves with the idea of cause and effect because it doesn't seem to be playing out in this anecdote.

I've been having a problem recently

with a DIY problem.

Okay.

With

a tiny nut.

A tiny nut?

A tiny nut.

Well, you don't know where it goes, but is it one of those like, this is definitely an integral and pivotal part of the thing.

It's not.

Because

you put together that battleship, didn't you?

I sent you the plans for.

That's right, yes.

But you you were left holding a single nut.

Yeah.

And what a sight that would be as the sailors, as they ship out and leave port, everyone else is saluting them or showing them their bums and their boobies.

And you're standing there on the pier holding a single nut.

Holding a tiny nut.

Which has cost me over £4 million

in future debt.

I've loaded myself up with huge amounts of debt.

I've actually taken on the debt of Panama, something

they don't know about yet.

Was your nut problem?

So basically,

I have a

kitchen scales.

It's a classic.

It's a sort of 1950s style, nice classic one.

Okay.

Oh, and you put on the little weights and the series of weights.

No, no, not that old-fashioned.

Oh.

It's

a classic 1950s electric digital classic four different units.

Hang on.

So it's.

Okay, yeah, I'm with you.

So a single metallic bowl sat on top of a spring-loaded scale.

It's a classic.

Yeah, I'm with you.

It has TEDI written on it, which is, I don't know.

It's a lovely-looking bit of kit.

It's quite nice, isn't it?

It suggests baking know-how.

It's quite sort of, it's retro 50s.

It's everything you think of with me.

Polkadot, retro 50s.

Hot.

Daily baking.

Daily baking.

And sexy with it.

Mopeds.

Fights in Brighton.

I'm bending over to pull out some mince pies out of the oven.

Oh, a little bit of um, a little bit of knickers on show.

Don't mind it, though.

That's what you think of when you think of me.

And the vicar's looking through the window.

The vicar's looking through the window.

He's come around for a sausage roll, if you know what I mean.

That's just literally a sausage encased in pastry while I toss him off.

So,

so anyway, so this is my scales that I use to weigh things.

For example, sometimes I'll weigh nuts in here.

Sometimes I'll weigh.

Hang on, hang on.

Can we not confuse the nut issue?

Sorry.

Do you mean nuts?

I mean nuts.

Because sometimes when I'm on a hundred...

No, no.

You're trying to have a wall-mounted macadamia.

Is that what you're doing?

That's what I want.

Okay, fine.

If you have macadamia walls, you're never hungry because you just have to lick the walls.

Let me get that little sustainers.

So basically, this has a problem, which is

the bit that goes.

So

there's a metal dish which you put your nuts or flour or sugar or whatever in.

And then this, this bit, this metal kind of cradle.

Cradle, the metal cradle, attached by little screws, and on the other side.

There's tiny nuts.

Yep.

So one of the tiny nuts has gone missing.

I think it may have fallen into the mechanism itself.

Or you've eaten it.

It's possible I've eaten it.

So what that means is I've been on a DIY mission to find a tiny gn

recently.

So luckily, I'm not on my, I know what I'm doing.

I took the other tiny gnat,

measured it up,

got its measurements, went online.

You can only buy these things in minimum amounts of like 200.

I don't want 200 tiny gnats because I don't know what to do with them.

I've been bitten by that kind of thing

before.

For example,

I once bought

square medical tissues to

also gauze tissues, kind of medical

to put the back of my heel when I had a shoe that was chafing on the back of my heel.

I didn't realise what I was buying.

I literally had bought 200 packets of these things.

Enough to set up a small field hospital.

And

you can't resell medical equipment.

I've discovered you can't.

Not used gauze, no.

Not used gaws.

So I thought,

I don't want to buy 200 tiny nuts.

It's also really hard to get the right size of this kind of thing when you're online because there's no scale to them.

A tiny nut.

And a nut

that would go on the Titanic, that's like the size of two double-decker buses.

They look exactly the same when photographed against a white background.

There's literally nothing different about them.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I imagine the price would be a bit of a giveaway.

40,000 quid.

That's more than the Terayon scales cost in the first place.

But that's how they get you.

They get you with the nuts because you buy the Terayon scales for $7.99 on Amazon and they give you the nut replacements for £40,000 each.

And you buy four tons of steel.

It's like printer cartridges.

It's the same bloody scam.

And they'll only deliver it to Belfast, Liverpool, or Southampton.

I have to click whether or not I live in a deep water port.

What is this?

And I have to hire 400 able seamen at the same time.

I barely need one able seaman.

I could do with one.

We could all do it with one.

Especially if you want to sausage roll.

If you know what I mean.

And just to reinforce that, that is a sausage encased in pastry.

I'm not tossing anyone off.

Okay, so this has been an online hunt, has it?

Yeah, because you could go to a hardware store or something and

you get your BNQ pick and mix.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You get a kind of

sort of Ursat's brother-in-law kind of character in B ⁇ Q to help you, don't you?

So here's the thing.

Yeah, you just need to make eyes at the right person.

Well, no, here's the thing, okay?

I've got brothers-in-law.

Yeah.

But I don't want to reach out to them for a tiny nut because the symbolism is too, it's

too raw.

It just feels better.

Also, you don't have brothers-in-law, do you?

No.

No, I don't have brothers-in-law.

Right, I've only got brothers.

You know what?

I was thinking, I was picturing this person as my brother-in-law,

but it's actually

Clive Myrie.

The brother of my sister-in-law's sister.

Oh, hang on.

The brother of your

sister-in-law's sister.

So you could just say the brother of your sister-in-law.

But the brother of my the brother of my sister-in-law.

Yeah, is he not my brother-in-law?

No,

this doesn't feel like territory that the beans are

able to

clarify.

No, I'm happy to say that he's not your brother-in-law.

Also, I don't think his arms are that hairy night.

Now I picture him anyway.

So I think it's irrelevant anyway.

He might be worth a punt.

I think you need to get yourself down to your local hardware store and either look out for a hairy, hairy-armed man or a woman in paint-spattered smockage.

And just, you know, do you know what I mean?

Someone who looks like they know what they're doing.

Mike, Mike, I'm way ahead of you.

Believe you me, we are in the foothills of this anecdote.

Oh, god.

Strap in.

Get ready to drill through that hand.

Also, if you want to reduce screaming while drilling through your hand or leg, we recommend biting down on a copy of

the latest addition to the B3B merch page.

Would you like a free tiny nut with your medical gauze?

So I went to so I googled it.

There's a DIY store around corn for me.

And I went and I went and it's one of those DIY shops.

Well, I suppose maybe it's all of them really, but so during the day.

There's trade in there.

There's trade.

There's burly men who work in the trade.

And I don't want to characterize them in a way that seems stereotypical.

No, you wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't do that.

But they're big burly men.

They read tabloids.

They drive around in white vans.

And they love vinegar.

They just love.

They work with vinegar, they drink vinegar.

Do you know what I mean?

You might lee film portrayal of a man with a trade.

Brother, I've just been reminded of

a sub-strand anecdote.

Can we drop into it really quickly?

Because the moment will be gone.

If I don't seize it now, the moment we'll be gone.

We know we can drop into it quickly.

The question always is

rescue, isn't it?

So

you might want to double the quantity of medical gauze you've got in your mouth right now.

Time to put your foot over that nail, people.

So

this is a

quick sub-anecdot, which is, I was just a reminder of this.

I was working in my flat with my friend Tom.

We were working on something together, writing something.

And while that happened, a plumber came around to fix a toilet seat onto my toilet.

Okay.

And while he was there,

I asked him, is there anything you could do about the sort of cop, the kind of...

I've just

hadn't really realized until now what it is, but I was going to say that the sort of dark copper-coloured stain that happens in the toilet from the surface of the water down.

But this, this, I didn't do this.

This was in the flat before I moved in.

That's cleaning.

Yeah.

You don't even need a plumber to do a toilet seat, really.

No, I shouldn't have done.

But I was struggling with it so much.

okay

so

and anyway so you know the way that you um that you quite often you'll you'll make small talk with it with a with a plumber or a builder or

pretending that you know more about the territory than you do

in order to not seem like a bit of a flim-flammy middle-class urban prick yeah yeah he was saying um you might we're talking about solutions to this copper-coloured stain and he went um

you might want to um

he says something about vinegar maybe vinegar would would

would help and i there was a pause right i didn't notice this until but tom pointed out to me you didn't suggest balsamic did you

what i suggested was small feta cheese cubes slow roasted piento peppers

drizzled smattering of pomegranate seeds smattering of pomegranate seeds and pine nuts toasted just so

and i toasted pine nuts in a a low oven, 50 degrees, without the fan.

Watch them like a hawk.

Watch them like a bloody hawk, mate.

And then you wrap the whole thing up in palma ham.

In palma ham.

Leave it to soak in the toilet bowl for 24 hours.

So I was basically bluffing,

trying to do some talk.

Because he said vinegar, and I went,

all right.

So, what would that be like?

Um, an in an industrial vinegar, or um

and um

and Tom pointed out to me after this that

I didn't know what I meant by that, and I still don't to this day,

an industrial vinegar, simply no such thing,

that'd be an industrial vinegar, or you know, anyway.

Um, so back into the mother anecdote,

reverse, we're still on track.

Um,

so

um,

I've forgotten what the main anecdote is.

Come on, guys.

I started with nuts, nuts, tiny nuts.

It's a tiny nut.

So

I went to the DIY.

You went to the hardbush where there were people with trades.

Big burly men were standing waiting.

You've given an offensive characterization.

I was doing an offensive characterization of a noble and ancient trade.

Falconry.

Trying to get some fresh falconry pliers.

They do get through them.

They do.

yeah, yeah.

And those leather gloves,

they get a real pounding, don't they?

Because they're being covered in meat drool, aren't they, from the Falcon mouths?

Falcon's mouths.

AKA beaks.

Carry on.

Yeah.

By the way, if you

find it you're too busy to deal with having an actual Falcon and the amount of work that goes with it, consider just getting a drone.

But don't try and feed it mic.

And I looked through the window and I thought, if I get into this queue,

there's

two Burley men ahead of me.

They're waiting.

So it's one of those ones where there's a counter.

And

you go to the front and you say to the guy, well, I'm trying to rip off a family in

Barnett at the moment, but I'm also

double crossing two families in Hendon.

They are probably playing them against each other in the usual way, pretending I'm buying tools from one so that my parking is essentially paid for by the first family while I'm getting tools to the second family.

And then I might just have a holiday for a bit.

That's effectively paid for by the third family because I think I'm getting tools for the second family.

And essentially, I'm just having trouble keeping up with the admin of the whole thing.

So the guy at the front is going, Yeah, I need this, that, and the other.

And then the person goes off and fetches it.

It's screw fix, is it?

It wasn't actually a screw fix, but it's the same vibe as a screw fix.

Tool station?

It might have been a tool station.

Hammer Depot.

Hammer Village.

I think it was a Hammer Village.

Yeah.

World of mallets.

So I went in.

So I didn't go in because I realised if I go in and join that queue, the two burly men in front of me will get to the front, buy their produce, leave.

Then if one or more burly men get in the queue behind me, they're going to have to listen to me, go to the front of the queue and say, I just want one tiny, tiny nut.

Just the smallest nut you've ever...

Just such a small nut.

And I just thought

it's just going to seem lame.

Do you know what I mean?

To send this guy off into his shelves looking for one tiny nut

i just i just felt too embarrassed about it so i've left and i still basically my my scales still skew whiff because i i've i've i've realized it despite the modern world we live in where within seconds i could buy a drone

ben you could buy a drone isn't it within seconds yeah i could book a holiday Mike could fly a drone into one of the windows of his house yeah

all of that stuff we could do just without getting up off our chairs but I can't buy a tiny nut because online you have to buy 200 and in real life you have to go to a a shop and ask for a tiny, tiny nut and someone goes off and looks for it.

It's just too embarrassing.

Do you feel that or not?

No, I don't.

Is that me being self-conscious?

I wouldn't be at all embarrassed to ask for a tiny nut.

I just need a very, very small nut, please.

Oh, Henry.

Are you worried about slowing down the economy?

Is that what it is?

You're worried about delaying the potential, the trade people behind you, or is it more the humiliation?

I don't know what it is.

I think I do know what it is.

I think it's just, it just seems really pathetic to

just need this tiny, to go into this like really burly atmosphere.

But maybe if I

say something like, you know what, I can have two barrels of industrial vinegar, probably maximum strength.

And why do I just chuck in a little nut?

Why not?

Maybe that's the way to do it.

And maybe like punch some people on the way out.

Maybe punch the people on the way out.

Yeah.

Might make you feel better about the whole thing.

Well, have you ever bought a tiny nut?

Can you help me?

Are you selling a tiny nut?

Are you selling a tiny nut?

More to the point.

I went on the ScrewFix website and there's a few websites for this kind of thing.

So on Amazon, it's like you've got to buy 200 of them.

I'm not doing that.

But on the individual, on things like Screwfix, you can buy one tiny nut, which costs literally like 18p or something.

It's worth nothing.

£9

delivery.

Oh, God.

It just feels wrong.

As well, the amount of admin and...

for someone to send this tiny nut in the post.

I don't know how to solve it.

Every so often you come across, or one comes across, a kind of old hardware shop where there's like tin baths hanging from the ceiling and a little tiny old man

independently run and he's wearing one of those sort of beige overcoats.

He absolutely is wearing one of those beige overcoats.

I love those.

And they have sort of powders in there for killing rats that probably have been illegal for 100 years.

Without a doubt.

Yeah.

You need one of those.

They know exactly where it is.

They've got a little ladder on wheels and they know exactly where to find that tiny nut.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it'll charge you an amount of money that

it'll be pre-decimal cash.

It'll be a farthing.

Yeah.

And also it won't make any sense how they're surviving.

You'll get a proper receipt on a piece of paper that's ripped off something that cannot be bought in any Ryman's.

It's a little receipt which has the family crest at the top.

Rumpkins and sons.

Isn't it?

Yeah.

And a picture of a rat puking their little logo.

Rumpkins and sons.

And it'll be handwritten.

Everything will be beautifully handwritten.

But what you've got to be careful of, Henry, is that you can end up in one that looks like it's going to be Rumpkins and Sons.

Yeah.

But it's actually a kind of shortitchy, wankers kind of

middle-class kind of thing.

And they'll sell you a broom for like $150.

So you've got to be careful.

Yes.

You need to find Rumpkin.

Yeah.

Rumpkin himself.

I need to find Rumpkin himself.

But there's less and less Rumpkins.

It is kind of sad.

There are.

It is sad.

And they'll do a receipt which rips something, rips off.

They'll rip something off.

There'll be a kind of a daguerreotype whatever the hell that is

you know there'll be like blotting paper yeah a lot of grease everywhere yeah i love oh it's a feast for the senses the whole experience yeah and no queue you don't have to worry about waiting in a queue or anyone else coming into the shop or you'll cut keys as well this guy

cuts keys does he he'll do you a key

as long as it stinks of grease he doesn't mind yeah

sweet sweet rumkins just find rumkin he's out there somewhere in a back street you've never even noticed before.

You've walked a backstreet you've walked past a thousand times.

Yeah.

I do need my Rumpkin in this situation.

He'll do white spirit wearing, he'll do terps.

Yeah.

He'll do industrial vinegar.

He mixes his own terps every morning.

He mixes his own terps for you.

There is also in the shop for sale a single bicycle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, I'm interested in DIY stories.

Local rumpkins to you?

Yes.

Email in.

Yes.

Have you got rumpkins near you?

Tell us about your rumpkin.

Or are you holding the rumpkin close?

Is it a secret rumkin?

That's true.

Are you a rumpkin?

There's no way rumpkins listening to a podcast, though.

No.

No way.

No, if you are, then you're not a rumpkin.

No, if you, if a rumpkin, you'll go into the shop and they'll be somehow listening to radio, but it's from the 40s.

It's the home service.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So do let us know about your rumpkins.

Okay, time to read your emails.

Yes, please.

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

This represents progress

Like a robot chewing a horse

My beautiful horse 3bean salad pod at gmail.com is our address now we're starting off with what is described by Hugh from Minneapolis

as a candlemas preemptive reflecto bollock for Ben

Okay, nice.

In the most recent episode of the podcast, Ben confidently claimed that Candlemas is on the 1st of February.

As I'm sure Ben is aware, in a normal year, Candlemas takes place on the 2nd of February.

And indeed, we did receive some bollockings of that type.

Really?

However.

Minneapolis?

Sorry?

Is that big in Minneapolis?

Candlemas.

Well, he says he's formerly of Northumberland.

He describes himself as Hugh from Minneapolis, formerly of Northumberland, spiritually of Of Bremen.

Wonderful.

What a life.

You're never formerly of Northumberland, though, are you?

If you're from Northumberland, it's deep in your blood.

It's deep, deep in your blood.

I mean, all you need to do is

read off some of the Northumberland towns, isn't it, to get a sense of

how deep you'd feel that heritage, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I've got Hexham.

Weirdly, I was going to say Hexham as well.

Yeah.

And we've got Hadrian's Wall, which isn't a town.

Carlisle?

No, wrong side.

How is it?

Carlisle's West.

Oh,

where's Northumberland?

I suppose it's more your Alnwicks.

It's your Brown Pomtweeds.

It's your

Blythe, it's your Ambles, your Rothbury, it's your Seahorse, it's your Willer, it's your Bamberg, it's your Royston, it's your Ronson.

Hexham, tell us it's Hexham, surely Hexham.

Yeah, no, Hexham is in there.

I'm pretty sure it's not Bamberg.

It's a beautiful.

It is Bamberg.

B-A-M-Bur.

B-A-M-B-U-R-G-H, as I remember it.

Yeah, Bamborough.

It's not like Edinburgh.

Sorry, I use the medieval pronunciation.

Or should I say the medieval pronunciation?

Never back down.

Never surrender.

It's renowned for its stunning castle overlooking the North Sea.

Shame.

If you had to overlook any sea, it wouldn't be north, would it?

I think Boundbury Castle is lovely.

Okay.

Anyway, as I'm sure Ben's aware, in a normal year, Candlemas takes place on the 2nd of February.

However, January 2025 contains a fifth Wednesday, a date not recognised in the Bean calendar.

Once you remove the Fifth Wednesday, all of the dates have to move up, one leaving Candlemas as the 1st of February.

It's the big Bean calendar shuffle.

We do it at the beginning of every year.

You go through your diary and you work it through and you work it out.

So often, yeah, Candlemas will be.

Lovely work, Hugh.

Well spotted.

Thank you, Hugh.

So thanks, for preempting those bollocks and reflecting them for me.

And if anyone wants one of the

three-bean salad shop if you want the adapted three-bean salad Filofaxes that we've been working on, yeah, it'll absolutely ruin your life.

Family birthdays, you missed them.

Big work meeting, you missed them.

You'll never make it to a wedding again with a three-bean salad Filofax.

So every cloud.

But you'll also miss doctors' appointments and crucial sort of meetings with lawyers about

wills.

Just

anything and everything you will miss.

Oh, you're convincing.

I'll be up the scuppers.

Completely up the scuppers.

Yeah.

Mike from Southampton emails.

Oh, Mike from Southampton.

In the Peter Pan episode, you spoke about the origins of the name Wendy and how perhaps it was made up by Barry for the book.

It reminded me of the Tiffany problem, where the name sounds too modern to be used in literature, despite it being coined in the 12th century.

And she's attached the Wikipedia.

And this is the thing.

It's called the Tiffany problem or the Tiffany effect.

Wow.

Other examples are Shane,

which is a name that's thought to be of modern origin, but it's actually historical.

It dates to the 17th century.

Nice.

Wow.

Beverly.

There's a town called Beverly, isn't there?

Is it named after the town or vice versa?

Well, it says that Beverly originated from the term beaver meadow

and has historical usage.

Beverly's really raced up my list of names later.

It has, hasn't it?

Yeah.

I've been to Beverly.

It's a very nice place.

See any beavers in the meadow?

Don't think I did.

I think they've concreted them over.

Wade,

which people think of as a modern name, which is actually rooted in early English and was very popular in the medieval period.

It's true that if you went back in time, you found yourself in a medieval situation and you had to sort of get by and not be noticed while you work on your time machine to get back to the present.

Yeah.

But using any medieval...

So it's going to be like a sort of hog-powered time machine.

I don't know how it's going to work.

It's just 20 hogs lashed together.

20 hogs lashed together.

And then you just jump off a cliff and hope.

Yeah.

But also you hold a clock and you turn the handle back in time back the wrong way, don't you, while jumping off a cliff?

Yeah.

Come on over to Mike.

Ben, try and do a hog screening hog.

Yeah.

Ben, I can't believe you thought you were going to.

I'll do the hog noise and we'll move on.

Literally, you're dealing with the Britain's premier hog actor.

But Ben, you might need to put that in the reverse to illustrate the point now.

Yeah, yeah.

Mike is Britain's premier hog impersonator, aren't you?

yeah that's how i started in the business yep and it's how you'll finish it

could could you infuse the hog sound mike with hog but traveling through time yeah

blinding terrific doesn't like it doesn't like it that was great and i was picturing his little twisty tail going in as he's getting younger it straightens out briefly and it straightens out

and so you're getting sucked through a vortex and there's like a grandfather clock spinning through it and stuff isn't isn't there he doesn't like it one bit there's a calendar with all the days flying off who's ever bought that kind of calendar that's a really inconvenient calendar to have where you peek off a day each day also to have all the days of the year that calendar would have to be so long it would extrude into the room all the way the way entirely across the room it's going to block the door isn't it it's going to block the door at the beginning of the year no one's coming in for you have to limbo under it exactly

what's the point please uh the point is was it mike from southampton oh yeah the point is mike from southampton was just letting us know about the tiffany problem and uh a very nice smattering of names of the rollers and you thought they were.

Yeah, yeah.

So, I was thinking, if you found yourself back in time in the medieval times,

yeah, you wouldn't call yourself Beverly, you wouldn't call yourself Beverly, you can

call yourself Shane.

Shane, I exclusively identify with neighbours' characters in like the early 90s.

Almost everyone was called Shane.

Yeah, yeah, there were loads of Shanes.

What name would you go for then?

Sir Robert of Nongingdon.

Give yourself a high status position.

German prince.

German prince.

Brisket of the Tay.

Oh, nice.

That's good.

I'd probably go for Eleanor.

Her beauty beguiles.

And in medieval times, you would have been a great, great beauty.

You fit with the fashions of

feminine beauty.

My big flat forehead.

Yeah.

Your glistening skin.

Your shiny, shiny skin.

Oh, the artists of the day would have been queuing up to render you in oils.

Yes.

They say that one of those miniature portraits of you is so beautiful that it can make a rabbit explode.

That's what they say.

Bring me more paintings

of the Dauphine.

Who would you be?

Eleanor.

Eleanor of Austria-Hungary.

Eleanor of Bohemia and Moravia.

Your connections across the Holy Roman Empire are fucking insane.

The amount of connections you've got.

You've beguiled in Constantinople.

You've befuddled

in the Iberian Peninsula.

They say her earlobes are Pomeranian.

Please meet my sisters, Beverly and Shane.

It's time

to play the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash frickins

Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you.

And it's all change over at Patreon Towers.

Indeed, so

change.

Because only change is permanent, isn't it?

Everything must change and evolve.

You can't stand in the same river twice.

You can't.

Two big changes really over at Patreon.

One is at the Sean Bean tier, we are now going to offer video episodes of every episode.

So starting in,

well, almost straight away in February, anything we put out, we will also put out a video version.

A feast for the eyes.

A feast for the eyes, isn't it?

That's very much one of those £4.50 Chinese buffets in terms of quality of meat

on the show.

And then the big change is that we have our months off, as you probably know.

So, February for us is going to be a month off here on this feed.

There'll be no more content across February.

But over on Patreon, we're going to keep it going, baby.

Oh, yeah.

That's the big change.

So now on our months off, where there'll be no episodes here on this main feed, there will be a Patreon-only bonus episode every week, or unless there are five except for the fifth Wednesday.

We will continue to observe Fifth Wednesday throughout, yeah,

out of respect, yeah.

But, um, but the basic news is: in our months off, the fun keeps going on Patreon and slightly different themed episodes, not quite like the normal episodes, yeah, but things like Film Corners and uh Bonjo's House of Pain, uh,

a dangerously delicious quiz

and various others.

Can we say we may be dipping into Nigel Havers' autobiography?

I think we can pull our chinos up a little and offer a little bit of that fleshy ankle.

Why not?

Yeah.

Go and check it out.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, not only do you get video episodes, you also get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You better believe it.

Where Mike was last night.

I sure was.

It was the blindfold karate tournament, wasn't it?

It was.

Thank you, Benjamin.

And here's my report.

It was the Blindfold Karate Tournament last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which began with Lisa P kicking Morgan Harwood and Ez Foles-Shell through Jim Baxter, up Gordon Coots, into Ian Craddock via David Saunders and Adam Wassell.

The noise of which prompted Andy Galt to adopt a defensive stance he called Half Moon Stance, but which Ness Ness Nesser more accurately described as losing your balance and falling down the Sean Bean spiral staircase.

Claire and Andy Fluter, both brown belts but yellow blindfolds, challenged Noah Galt and Tom Knowles to a 2x2 but accidentally attacked Claire Penniquet and Steen McFaul using Tom Putman and Jen Coatsworth as what they thought were nun-chucks, propelling J.

The Man Mansell onto a small pile of bricks where he was karate chopped in half by Kim O'Neill.

Blissfully unaware of this were JC, Terry Breckfast, Raymond, Seb Davis, Aaron Cobb, Caroline Simmons and James Price, who were singing what they hoped were lyrics to take on me during a misguided blindfold karaoke competition.

Sean Bean would like to remind loungers to avoid skim reading the event's calendar.

Evan Smith, James Coley, Torbion Junsen, Andrew Jordan, Johnny Rawlin, and Arthur claimed to be concerned that the absence of a properly qualified dojo cho meant that appropriate observances to the esteemed martial art of karate were not being made.

But Joe Bethel revealed that they were simply embarrassed as they had mistakenly mastered Wing Chung Kung Fu for the occasion.

Back in the Blindfold tournament proper, Keris Martin, Stephanie Moore, Natalie Sim, Cora Hardle, Anna Marie Segert, Alison Parfit and Amy Springett used hive-brain acrobatics to turn themselves into a single 18-foot shit kicker.

This crushed Tim O'Hara and Lewis Ball into powder before walloping Nate Bradley and Nick, aka Tuna flat and whisking Freddie Sweet, Barnaby Riley, Drew James, Julian Gerrish and Ezra into peaks.

The Titanic Tatami Tuff could have destroyed the entire lounge had not Georgia Wright and Al Salsas distracted it with shadow puppets while Thomas Roche, Monica and Rachel repositioned Sean Bean's portable abyss behind it, whereupon Dana, Kate Linden, Natalie Gray and Carruthers used the non-karate accredited move of a shove and that was that.

In the red corner, Madeline and Jimmy C.

jumbo-clouted Tom Hopkin.

In the blue corner, Ells of Derby bacon-sliced Kevin Barson.

In the Peuce corner, Elene of Calocotti thought she was roundhousing Matty but actually square danced Ella and Janelle, forcing Ben Lyford, Elizabeth Elko, Lozza B and Logan to provide musical accompaniment in the form of Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under by Shania Twain.

Jodi Broad was the first to clock the special track and so won D-blindfolding privileges, giving her the opportunity to have the upper hand on every lounger lounger present, but she chose instead to focus all of her attention on Duncan Harrison and karate'd him until he was a perfect, quarter-sized scale model of himself.

Helena Roberts and the youngest living Peggy had both failed to note that blindfolds only had to be donned within the lounge and so at this time were still aimlessly kicking and punching their ways towards the event in the Sean Bean car park and on the number 53 bus respectively.

The recipient of the Sean Bean Blindfold Karate Trophy was Quince Charming, however, after wowing the judges by exclusively using Shotokan-style karate to knock up a note-perfect vegan cheese souffle.

Thanks all.

Okay, it's time for us to finish the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you, and this has been sent in by Avon.

Thanks, Avon.

Thank you, Avon.

Avon writes, hello beans.

I've made a synthesizer ragtime version of your theme tune.

Lovely.

Finally, we can automate Jules Holland.

So Jules Holland can live forever now.

It really is the end of history.

A little thing about theme tunes.

Thank you for everyone who sends sends them in.

They're all amazing and we're very appreciative.

I would say, though, you're more likely to get them played if they're a bit shorter.

We're getting some quite long to fit in, isn't it?

We can't really fit in like a two to three minute epic, can we?

Ideally, it's about 20, there's about 20 to 30 seconds, is that right?

Yeah, under 30 seconds, I'd say, is ideal.

So to bear that in mind if you're making a theme tune.

And if you were thinking of sending a longer one, just have a bloody look in the mirror and just think, what,

when did this,

what happened to make you like this?

Because it isn't anyone else's fault.

We have to live together as a community on this planet.

Yeah.

So just reel it in.

Get down to 30 seconds max.

Thanks, Henry.

So that's the end of the show, end of the series.

Indeed.

So we'll see you again in March, unless you're a Patreon, in which case we'll see you in February.

Yes, please.

Right, let's finish off with this synth rag time.

I can't wait.

Uh, and see you again next time.

Bye.

Thank you.

Bye.