Fifth Wednesday Advice-cast

What's that in the sky?

The sun.

It is pink.

The clouds purple.

It's raining ice.

But hot ice.

The ice.

That's hot ice.

Hallie's Comet is going round and round, tracing the exact shape of a Cumberland sausage.

You hold the Cumberland sausage to your eyes.

Anti-clockwise.

But anti-clockwise.

so the way to enjoy it is you hold the cumberland sausage to your eye but you spin it clockwise but keep your eye right in the middle so that you can feel the fat and the grease going into your face you need to have cooked it about about two hours ago so it should still be slightly warm so the fats have been released yeah and that's the only safe way to look at what halie is doing right now hali's comet isn't it

and don't eat it afterwards for the love of don't eat it unless the moon is blood red in which case unless the moon is blood red you can you can nibble the edges nibble the edges there's a hot wind isn't there there's a horrible hot wind.

There's a horrible, horrible hot wind.

Blowing in all directions as well.

Also, look at the pavements.

What's that you see?

Sparrows walking.

With little shoes on.

Little shoes on.

They only do it on a fifth Wednesday.

That's what I'm talking about.

The most unholy of days when nothing makes sense, does it?

Yeah.

What's that in your pocket?

It's a fucking snake, mate.

It's a fucking snake, mate.

Get your hand out of your pocket in this instant.

It's an asp.

Toilets flush the other way round today, don't they?

What turds come out?

Tads come out.

And they come out to play.

They come out to play.

And it's not a fight.

It's not, they don't play friendly.

Put it that way.

No, this is the gamboling, they ain't.

Gamboling the ain't.

And also, all the different grater thicknesses on a cheese grater are the other way around.

So

fine-grained cheese is coarse-grained cheese.

How is that a problem, though?

Because can't you just use the other holes?

Yeah,

that's not the biggest problem.

That's why I've let it until last.

It's not the biggest problem.

But basically, that means when you're doing your parmesan, it's coming out in like big wide shafts.

It'll be coming out in wider shafts.

Which some people might quite like, actually.

Yeah, some people do like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

it's arguably the only sort of cheesy silver lining of a Fifth Wednesday.

But what does not happen and what should not happen is

episodes proper of podcasts on Fifth Wednesdays.

Yeah.

No doubt there will be some podcasts that do release on Fifth Wednesdays.

Don't trust those episodes.

no they'll be absolute garbage they'll be garbage or they'll be deeply deeply infused with illuminati propaganda yes avoid all portholes porthole windows all circular apertures now um satan and his demons can travel three free freely can't they through them up down left right that includes your ear holes that includes your ear holes exactly um feel free to stopper them up with um the three bean salad ear stoppers

available in four different sizes.

Yeah.

So basically,

there's no normal episode of three bean salad today.

It is a fifth Wednesday.

These things happen as a quirk of the calendar.

You know, we do four episodes a month.

Yeah.

If you've got beef, take it up with Pope Gregory because it all stems back to that, doesn't it?

Yeah.

And hopefully you're not having to work either.

And it's not like a Sunday or a day of rest.

It's just, it's very much just a day of trying to stay out of trouble.

I mean, you might be at work, but you just need to slack off.

Slack off.

And don't for the love of God, download a software update today.

Because your computer will become the 1980s computer game Manic Miner.

Sounds quite good.

It is actually quite good.

But, you know, you might have to put that promotion on ice.

What happens in Manic Minor?

It goes...

And you go from left to right.

It's a platform.

Mike, do you ever play that?

No.

No.

but i don't know much about computer games of any kind but um it's um it's it was on the spectrum the zx spectrum it was an absolutely brilliant game there's there's a hundred levels i think you go from left to right

you go

you jump over things bits of floor fall away rabbits kill you

and it's the classic game where

um you can get to level 99 and just you walk and then like an egg with glasses falls on your head or something like that surreal happens and you've wasted

seven hours of your life.

And also,

yeah, it's just like incredibly tense.

But it's one of the ones where you had to keep on starting at the beginning again.

So you'd be in level 70, you die, you go back to level one, and it became a kind of self-torturing kind of thing that you would put yourself through.

Because it was before these things, which blimmin'.

It's Sisyphian.

It's classically Sisyphian

back down to the bottom.

Whereas these Gen Zs and Blimin save stops, or whatever they're called, where you go back to a save place, whatever.

Whereas that was pre-that in the 1980s again, you went right back to the beginning, and it absolutely was a Sisyphian sort of.

But weirdly, you'd be doing this on a leisure day, so you'd be with your friends on a Saturday.

Let's have some fun, we'll have some ice cream, we'll, you know, go to the park, and we'll go back, we'll go back home, and we'll engage in a kind of existential Sisyphian task.

What is time?

Time moves forward, wheels ready forward.

Time, time, an egg with glasses has fallen on my head.

Time defeated.

Start again.

Start again.

Stop for squash.

Start again.

Stop for squash.

Start again.

But the thing was, with those games, like I had a bit of this as well.

You'd always be at the most crucial parts that you couldn't quite get past, but maybe you're just about to do it.

That was always the moment your mum came in with, like, I've got a glass of rib bean if you'd get out.

Damn you.

Damn you.

What have you done?

You plebeian fool.

If you had any idea of what you've just done,

if you had the slightest idea.

This is the child that

you've nurtured, you've fed, you've clothed, you've birthed.

If you have any idea, don't even look at me.

Put the squash down there, leave the squash in.

Leave the squash in the crisp thank you.

And then back out.

You're not my mother.

You're a pixelated egg with glasses.

You may as well be.

Where's your specs?

Have you left them in your bedroom, egg face?

No, you don't understand what I'm talking about.

Of course you don't.

You don't understand anything.

You're an ignoramus.

Get out.

And have we got any raspberry yogurts left?

And so we start again.

The pendulum starts its swing yet again from the beginning.

The minor now more manic than before takes his place at the beginning of level one.

Sisyphus never have to put up with this shit.

Sisyphus' mother never walked in.

Dropped some squash Sisyphus.

Oh great, great.

There's a massive great bolt.

Granite balls roll down the hill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All that stuff.

Anyway, so yeah, don't, what was it?

Don't do a computer update because that'll happen on your computer.

You'll end up trapped in a

fifth Wednesday.

Yeah, et cetera.

But it's a fifth Wednesday.

Also, we're about to go into a month off, aren't we?

For non-patrons.

Yeah.

No episodes in February.

No episodes in February.

So if you fancy some more hot bean content.

Did your mouse just make a weird noise?

No, my stomach just gurgled.

Okay.

Okay.

Is that part of the enticing...

Is that the same routine?

If you want to listen to

a month of stomach growls,

then get yourself down to those Patreon extras.

Yes,

we're keeping going in the months off now on Patreon.

So, so yeah, so get yourself down to Patreon and join up.

There's loads of um stuff there, isn't there?

Loads more bean historic bean stuff, and also, yeah, as you say, we'll be doing we'll be doing four episodes of stuff now, heaps of it during the month off.

Cool, right?

Nice.

Until that time that we meet again,

goodbye.

Bye, cheerio.