Un-episode-isode

Hello, we're not here.

It is November and we're having November off.

It is November.

We'll be doing other things.

Well, it's but yeah.

Well, Pam

turned four at the end of October.

So November for me is a big clear-up job.

Because

she stores up her turds for four years, it's her breed, isn't it?

She's four years of turds.

That's right.

In one go.

Because it's overbreeding, they say.

It's the visual hibernation turd.

She doesn't hibernate.

It's a real thing.

She has a hibernation turd.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That has to include a leap turd as well.

So that's why it's a four-year thing.

It's a four-year thing.

And of course, because she's four, in dog years,

she's 16, so it's her prom.

Isn't it her prom coming up?

So it's all wrapped up.

It's prom, it's canine driving license.

All of this stuff is happening very much at the same time.

Of course, because she's out of college.

It's incredible to think how recently it was you bought her, and soon you're going to be waving her off.

She'll be driving a home die, won't she?

Off to university.

Off to Nottingham Trent University.

Off to Nottingham Trent University.

Yeah.

And probably ending up sticking on for an extra year to do the MA because she's not quite sure.

It's difficult, isn't it, these days?

And the job is just to buy time.

But that's okay.

Yeah, that's fine.

As long as you're passionate about the subject.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Isn't it?

Education is never wasted unless you're doing geography.

Which is completely wasted.

Because the world is now a digisphere more than it is a

physisphere, isn't it?

Well, she's not worried about that because she's obviously that generation, she's a digital native.

That's right.

She's a Gen Z dog.

Very much so.

Now, is she because she wasn't clear last time I talked to her whether she wanted to do French and business studies or just business studies?

Because with French, there's a year abroad, isn't there?

That's the thing.

But in dog years, Ears, that's only three months for us.

So does she do the full year?

Does she just spend a season abroad?

Well, a year abroad for her isn't that it's four years for us.

Oh, I see.

Seven years.

It's like having seven years abroad.

So they have to compact it into two months.

And it starts to get complicated.

But then if it's the long two months, does that impact on your business study course and so on?

And is French that I mean, is that the, I mean, should she go back and get like an A-level in Mandarin first and do business studies with Chinese?

I mean, what's the future, Really?

Is it worth doing French?

So she's really not sure, but it depends

if she can get the lacrosse scholarships, then I think she'll probably choose the language.

If not, then I think she'll just stick to the three-year business studies degree.

Yeah, well, that's why you've had her doing lacrosse because it helps you actually help you get in, doesn't it?

It's an

undersubscribed sport.

But you've still got to perform.

And at Nottingham, Trent is huge.

So, yeah, I mean, that's my November.

Look forward to

seeing you all again in December though, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, we're here to say we're not here for the month of November.

We're back in December.

If you want some more beans in your life, why not check out our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash three bean salad?

And probably there's a Henry Packer book out you could read as well if you're idle time.

What's out at the moment, Henry?

What's going on?

Dexter Proctor, The Ten-Year-Octor.

Which is very good.

I've read that.

It's excellent.

That's in bookshops.

Good, great Christmas present.

Mike's in a movie.

Mike's in a bloody movie.

Yeah, am I?

Will that still be in the cinema, though?

I wouldn't have thought.

I don't know.

I've no idea.

Okay.

I think I'm in it for about three seconds.

But I don't know.

The movie is called Time Stalker.

Time's Talker.

I haven't actually seen it.

I'm seeing it tomorrow, and I can't wait.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

She's Radi Brilliant, though, the filmmaker.

Behind it.

Alice Lowe.

Alice Lowe.

Yeah, I can't wait to see it.

Can I also shout out a TV show that I've got nothing to do with?

Yeah, go on.

Please do.

There's a show on iPlayer called The Golden Cobra.

It's an animated sitcom made by some people from Ebervale.

And I've got no skin in this game whatsoever, but it's really great.

I'll have a look at that for sure.

They just made it themselves.

No, it's for the BBC.

I mean, they did make it themselves, but only in the same way that everyone makes everything themselves.

What do you mean?

I meant as in like a kind of like when South Park started, it was quite a kind of like

homespun operation, right?

Yes, yes.

So, yeah, it's all animated by one guy, i think as far as i know and it's it looks rather than a sort of studio of 8 000 people yeah yeah yeah no it looks it looks rudimentary but in a charming and funny way rather than a crap way yeah it's really funny lovely also can i just say well we're doing random shout out shout outs we're not being i'm not being paid for this but genuinely i think kleenex

when it comes to like a small pocketable

uh like a sort of day a day hanky yeah

the small packs of kleenex you're on my original i can see there from that

what's that you're on the original i see there you've i'm on original with any balms.

This one's not.

No balms.

I'm afraid I'm even more original than that.

Are you wearing a mankill pair of underpants?

It's a handkerchief.

That's like the proper hanky on the head old man on the beach.

It's the faulty.

Not faulty does, it's the

Monty Python.

Yeah.

Don't leave home without it.

Do you use that for your hanky stuff?

Yeah.

So what do you do with it then?

I'm never without a hanky.

What do you mean, what did it?

Wash it and use it again.

But how often are you like washing it?

is it new one daily oh minimum yeah yeah so you've got a whole washing system that's just unthinkable i just can't believe what i just can't believe what i'm hearing

you've got the old manky hanky system it's not a mankey haki it's you know freshly laundered

it's full of your dna in the most horrible way imaginable yeah but then i put it in my pocket it's not it's not boring it's not bothering anyone that really feels to me like something out of the 1950s

never without it you

we have never physically spent time together when I have not had a handkerchief in my pocket.

It hasn't happened.

That's incredible.

But I tell you what, what is better about Mike's system than mine is I leave a trail of small bits of cleanness and tissue paper wherever I go.

Yeah.

So you would be the huntsman's first.

You would be

the huntsman's child.

They'd warm up on you.

Are you talking about in a sort of Snow White version of Snow White where it's me instead of Snow White?

You would be so easy to track.

The things you can track me, but once you found me, you don't know who I am, whereas you can't track you, but if I did bump into your accident, I could tell you from your DNA on your hanky.

Do you mean you're carrying around your own.

Okay.

Does that make any sense?

Not really.

It's specious at best, I would say.

Hello.

I interrupt this episode that's mainly us plugging things with a little section that we wanted to add in later.

That's also plugging things.

Right.

Mike here, I'm going to drag you into the plug zone, please, if you don't mind, as we enter the bean-free November period, I've got some hot tips for a couple of alternative forms of entertainment.

Starting with this Friday, 8 p.m., the 8th of November, 2024, we have the beginning of Junior Taskmaster on channel 4 of the latest addition to the extended Taskmaster universe, starring Rose Matafeo as the Junior Taskmaster and myself.

as her noble assistant.

Huge amount of fun to make.

Absolutely loved it.

Hope you like it too.

Please tune in

also being aired on Saturday afternoons I think and obviously on the channel for streaming service also

if you like your if you like your audiobooks if you like your sci-fi if you like your comedy then for the love of god get stuck into daniel rigby's newest book on audible you may remember some time ago there was the release of daniel rigby's isaac steel and the forever man which is completely superb and is one of the funniest books i've ever listened to in my entire life the sequel is now out, which I've also just listened to, and it is utterly, utterly superb.

Genuinely laugh out loud, genuinely nearly made me crash my car repeatedly.

And that one is called Isaac Steele and the best idea in the universe.

It is utterly brilliant.

Get stuck in on Audible.

Yes, please.

Back to the show.

And if we're doing shout-outs, I'm going to shout out grapes.

Okay.

So we've got disposable tissues by Kleenex, hankies, and grapes.

I had some grapes this week and I was like, why aren't I eating these all the time every day?

And were you like,

is it a coincidence you things rhyme with grape?

Because I didn't think it is.

They look like grapes.

Aren't they?

There is, I mean, Ben's not wrong, there's a certain type of green grape at the moment that's got a real crunchy autumnal freshness to it.

Air miles.

I'm now expecting Mike to tell us that he doesn't do grapes.

He, in fact, just just eats small beetroots that he keeps in his pocket.

Seasonal fruits.

I've got some very crunchy pears and lots of apples at the moment.

That's what we're dealing with.

Seasonal fruits.

You keep it totally seasonal, don't you, Mike?

Oh, yeah.

And because of that, Mike doesn't brush his teeth.

Because you've never seen a beaver brush its teeth.

And like a beaver, Mike just has one central bright orange tooth.

It's fantastically strong.

It's incredibly strong.

It could cut through a Ford escort

in no time.

Yeah.

And you can pick locks with it, can't you?

You can do all kinds of stuff with it.

Sleep by through them.

Anyway, I can't remember what we were talking about or why we're talking about this.

We had a great list of recommendations.

I think that is plenty for them to get on with.

And get on with in November.

And while they're getting on with all those recommendations, they can also sign up to the Patreon if they fancy.

And here's a little taster of a bit of last month's Patreon-only bonus episode.

Basically, it's an 11-hour flight.

I sat next to, so I was on the window seat.

Next to me, there was a woman between me and the aisle.

She didn't go for a piss once in 11 hours.

She raw dogged it hard.

She raw dogged it hard.

That's amazing.

So I managed to do that entire flight with just one toilet trip, which I'm quite pleased about.

But I kept on waiting for her to go.

She never went.

Was she crying tears of piss?

I thought it was just she was reacting to Marley and me, but I think it was.

I think it may have been tears of piss, yeah.

Did you watch any films on the flight?

I did watch films on the flight.

So I watched, see what you think of my film choices.

So I watched four films.

Good haul.

On a long flight, films are...

I'd forgotten this.

It's been a long time since I've done a really long flight, but films are brilliant for eating up the time.

You've just got to go with films.

It's the only way.

I mean, obviously, I love novels and prose.

And tone poems.

I love tone poetry.

On a coach trip, yes, tone poetry, of course.

Tone poetry.

So if i could have i would have loved nothing more than to have just been sucking on the sweet sweet you know cerebral teat that is um shakespeare's sonnet sequences i would have loved to have been nothing more to than reading sonnets but they were unfortunately um my son my sonnets were all in um my rucksack they're in the the overhead locker and the woman wasn't moving so i thought it's easy to just watch four films

Are you mixing up the genres of your films?

I was, yeah.

Let's hear it.

So I went with...

Yeah, take us through it.

So, first of all, I watched a film which I had recommended to me called First Goal Wins.

Yeah, is that a Taikaway TT film?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Really enjoyed it.

It's probably quite a good feel-good kind of factor.

Really good, feel-good film.

Next goal wins, sorry.

Yeah.

Really good, feel-good film.

It's got Fast Bender in it, playing a light-hearted role.

It's very silly, quite, you know, light fair.

I mean, I'd have cut your arm off for a bloody copy of the Karamatsov Brothers at that point, obviously.

Because I actually find words easier than images.

I mean, I prefer reading.

I find reading is, for me, reading is watching a film.

But you're the director.

But I'm the director.

And you also play all the parts.

And I play all the parts, exactly.

Your Anna Karenina was just.

My Anna Karenina was unbelievable.

Now, I see books as basically an entirely subtitled film.

Then I watched a film called Lived I Repeat.

Good, very good films.

Absolutely brilliant.

Do you know about Live Devil?

No, I've never heard of it.

It's a sort of time.

travel, kind of

alien war, time travel.

Really good.

Okay.

I then watched,

which I think you're not going to believe this for the first time in my life, Home Alone.

Get it Christmassy.

Get the Christmas feeling going.

I think I could have had

850 guesses and I still wouldn't have got Home Alone.

I'd never seen Home Alone.

I was like, I'm going to watch Home Alone.

Did you enjoy it?

I quite liked Home Alone.

I think, I'm going to say mid to late 40s probably isn't the time to first intersect with this film

i've tried and intersect earlier on on your way home from a summer holiday yeah

desperately desperately meaning a person

i really liked it i've got a slight problem with them with the film home alone they're just like which is

the setup was really good so so he's in this big family there's loads of them You know the film?

Yeah.

They're all going on holiday.

He gets left behind.

Is it a safeguarding concern?

No.

Okay.

Don't give a wish.

Not my problem.

So yeah, he feels a bit left out in this family because there's so many of them.

He's not getting enough attention and stuff.

And he's kind of like all the older siblings make fun of him and stuff.

So he's got...

Then he wishes he wants to stay at home.

He wishes to never have a family.

He wants, I wish I'd never had a family or whatever.

So then this thing happens, which is a brilliant idea.

For a kid to imagine for a kid to imagine what is it what is it like what would be like if it didn't have a family it's just me it's a brilliant idea and then halfway through the film the way the way he comes up with solutions and stuff to the problems of the robbers is he's amazingly good at contraptions he's brilliant at contraptions he makes loads of loads of contraptions he's brilliant at contraptions it's all about contraptions he makes incredible contraptions

is that fair

like why is he good at contraptions so you didn't like the heath robinson angle well i just came out of nowhere just suddenly oh this kid is incredible at contraptions no one's mentioned contraptions yeah there's nothing to do with contraptions and then suddenly the whole film is contraptions yeah like he's got the entire dinner party of like made of contraptions of people going around on roller skates and stuff.

Like, where the fuck is that?

He's a natural-born weapons engineer genius.

Yeah, but it's just not set up in any way.

Anyway, but apart from that, strong film.

So, would it be stronger if, like, at the beginning, all his brothers and sisters were like, Kevin, why are you so obsessed with making contraptions all the time, you loser?

Is that what you were after?

It's now a five-star film.

Okay.

Yeah, it's gone from three to five stars with that.

I think so.

I think that's literally all it needs, just to have a bit of.

Because

why is he incredible at contraptions?

I mean, he's not just good at contraptions, he's absolutely incredible at contraption.

And devious, sadistic.

And devious and sadistic, yeah.

But all those things weren't really set up.

Yeah.

Yes, we should have seen him reading a book about siege weapons and stuff, shouldn't we?

And

other kids' toys falling apart because he's pinched a sprocket from out of something.

Exactly.

Or maybe we should have seen that he was born on the same day that Rube Goldberg died.

Yes.

Yes, Rube Goldberg.

I know who Rube Goldberg is exactly.

That's why.

I like it It's an idea.

He's the American Heath Robinson.

Oh, is he?

How do I not know that?

How do you not know Rube Goldberg?

You'd be into it.

Is he an illustrator?

He was also the founding member and first president of the National Cartoonist Society.

There we go.

Oh, my God.

He's your guy.

He's right.

I'll be a street Henry.

I do.

I'm looking at it.

I like it.

I mean, I do love Heath Robinson.

Oh, that is brilliant.

So, yeah, next film.

I'm trying to remember what the other film was.

It was number four.

I think so.

So, what have we had?

What is next Goldwind?

Is it like a coming-of-age thing?

It's about the international football team of a small island nation in the Pacific.

Underdog story.

So we've got sporting movie.

We've got sports underdogs.

Action adventure.

We've got family comedy.

What's next?

Biopic?

I hate biopic.

So it wasn't going to be a biopic.

What else is there?

Musical?

I quite like musicals, but I didn't think it was musical.

What was it?

Kitchen sink drama.

A really worthy Mike Lee film.

Finish off your holiday?

No, it wasn't those.

Basically, I was by myself, so there was no one to be impressed by it.

Yeah, so there's absolutely no reason to watch a mike lee film

literally you've taken away the reason for mike lee to exist

mike lee's just gone

disappeared into thin air and what's that i can see behind him it's the face of tom create

it's jerry bruckheimer yeah he's hoving into view even on a motorbike But I tell you one thing which did happen that was quite funny, which is this, this, this happens on flights.

It's a famous thing about flights.

I don't know why, but you end up watching other people's

and no dialogue like Harry Potter film for most of the flight.

For a lot of the time, I was fascinated by there's no dialogue.

And also, it was quite funny: the woman next to me started watching Home Alone and never credited me.

We both know this isn't a coincidence, love.

There's no way you've independently chosen Home Alone, but I got no credit.

For more of that kind of thing, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

All right, until next time, goodbye.

See you soon.

Ta-ra.

Thank you, bye.