Sharks

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

Hello.

And welcome to Three Bean Salad, a show where three men talk about a topic sent in by the audience.

We'll get to that later.

But first, what have you guys been up to?

Hi, Ben.

Mike here.

Hi, Mike.

I've got a tree surgeon in the next door garden, which might be making quite a lot of noise through the show.

Is that true?

Yes, sorry.

Blimey.

Not much I can do about that.

There's also someone who seems to be beating the proverbial seven shades out of some white goods in the other house on the other side.

Basically, the economy is thriving here, but it might be quite noisy.

You're in the white-hot heat of works.

Well, people cutting down trees.

Yesterday,

I experienced a train incident.

Did you?

Yeah.

Were you hit by a train?

No.

But I was nearly hit on a train.

Oh, oh,

so I had to take a train yesterday towards the south of Britain

into Sussex.

Okay.

I was on it.

I was headed to Three Bridges, which is one of those slight...

Have you ever been there?

I have.

Oh, I've been through Three Bridges.

If you're near sort of Gatwick and Crawley, that next one.

Yeah, yeah.

It's quite a sort of bleak rail hub sort of zone place.

But I had to go there.

Apologies to our Three Bridges listeners.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bowls.

So I was on a train heading towards Three Bridges,

and loads and loads of people got on the train suddenly.

Yep.

And they were all football fans

on their way to watch a football match.

So I was sat opposite a bald old man.

Yep.

Was it a mirror?

Nice one.

I mean, I put that there, left it there.

I could feel...

Yeah, I could.

There was a gravity, wasn't there?

Someone needed to pop that bubble.

Was he looking at you with a degree of nostalgia?

I think he was, actually.

Yeah, I think he was quite dewy-eyed.

Well, that may have just been one of the multitude of health conditions he was

clearly suffering from.

Anyway, we were sat there, so it was me, well, we were sat on a square, a standard square, square, square tape, square table, square train table.

We did the traditional thing, which is he was already sat in one corner.

I went to the opposite corner on a diagonal.

The Battenberg formation?

The Battenberg.

The classic Battenberg.

Because that means both of you have Legroom.

Do Do you know, because I do, which is the preferable of those positions to be in?

So one is next to the window, one is next to the aisle.

Aisle.

I believe wrong.

Explain.

You want aisle for toilet?

Mixture of toilets and aisle bonus legroom for the aisle leg.

The aisle leg can kind of wander when the trolley's not going past, the aisle can kind of wander about.

Mike.

We've had words with you about this.

The police have had words with you about this.

That leg needs to stop a wandering on the trains.

Because you've got incredibly agile legs.

But yeah, because no, your leg will sometimes be like three rows up, won't it?

Like flicking through

someone's hello magazine.

Trying to get into the first class section.

I believe that the, I see what you're saying, but I think a leg that's a wandering into the aisle is never a leg that's a comfortably a wandering into the aisle.

For me, it's just if you're next to the window,

basically when other people join the train, yeah the first place they'll go is next to the person next to the window yeah it's sort of like a game of of um knots and crosses yeah but the well actually me and that guy both both both bald we actually did look like noughts from above

but the position next to the guys next to the window that that free seat next to him is on the outside that's where someone will the first if someone comes on the train that's where they'll sit opposite you

so you now don't have legroom and all you can do is shift to your right where you're just opposite another ball tosser and you've got no legroom there either.

You see what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

So, that guy next to the window is in the best position.

Anyway,

that was very taken by this ball guy.

I went diagonally opposite to him initially.

This guy looks better at me in the future.

And

he did a little thing where he went,

Is there a bin up there?

And I went, Yes.

And he handed me his coffee cup and I put it in the bin for him.

Very good.

Bald men reaching out over the generations, their hands touching, helping each other.

The ball connection lasts for a thousand years.

That's how you mate, isn't it?

That's how we mate, yeah.

So he's now will have probably the fission would have taken place, but now there'll be three of him now.

He'll have woken up, and there'll be three of him because of the ball fission.

Whereas you, hair, you hairy, you wouldn't barely look at each other, would you?

You with your barnets.

You don't help each other out in that way, do you?

There's too much hair jealousy going on.

You're thinking, who will sire the future of the herd?

It'll be me or this pursuit kid.

It better be me because I i want them to be glossy glossy

glossy with just a hint of curl whereas me and the bald man we know that neither of us will either sigh anyone in the herd that's why we will touch fingers and reproduce by fission which is how bald people reproduce just to emphasize that again fission and remember it's completely impossible to contract herpes from fission

now

But you can get it from touching an old bald man.

Oh yeah.

They ranted with it generally.

So then, so people started trooping onto the train.

So I then sat, I then shuffled over it as you do to sit opposite the bald guy.

So there's two zeros on that side.

And then two crosses, two people with hair, sat in the two seats next to us.

And the whole train filled up with people.

Yeah.

Suddenly, loads and loads of people.

And they're all football fans.

So I thought, hey, we're on our way to Brighton.

So I said,

I said this guy, the guy who sat opposite diagonally to me, so next to the old bald guy.

I said,

what did I say?

I said, I said it's a derby.

No, no, no, I didn't.

Ah, cup final day.

The magic of the cup.

I can almost smell the sausage and onions on your breath.

Is that okay?

Bob Rill all round.

Oh, God, I love a fucking awful pie.

Do you love an awful pie?

And then you get out your little wooden ratchet thing.

And the little wooden ratchet starts going quick, quick, quick, quick.

So

I thought engaging some football banter.

You've got what it takes.

You can do it.

It's a Sunday.

It's a nice day.

Yeah.

You'd been to a football match, I believe, only the day before.

I had because I'm an Arsenal fan.

I support Arsenal.

I have an Arsenal season ticket.

I'd been to see Arsenal the day before.

Now, I knew we were heading to Brighton.

So I

so this was the train to Brighton.

Something in my brain went, these are Brighton fans.

They're all jumping on the old train to go to Brighton for the Brighton match.

So my brain just told me that.

And for some reason, I took that on as an imprisonment assumption.

Anyway, so I said to the guy diagnosing opposite to me, I said to him, so who are you playing today?

In the big match.

Hope everyone remembers the shin pads.

Although it's awful, the way now that big money signings have ruined the game to a degree.

They've all got PR agents and stuff now because it's all about social media.

In my day, all they got was a bowl of bovril.

That's what they all got paid, wasn't it?

They got paid in bovril.

And after the match, they all had a bovril bath.

And then they smoked bovril.

They used to smoke bovril bongs, bov bongrils.

Out of a pipe.

Yeah.

Out of a bong pipe.

Bovril.

I said, who are you playing to this guy sat equally opposite me?

So this guy was

a sort of normal man in his 30s, hair on his head.

Just a normal football fan guy.

And I said, who are you playing today?

And he said, Tottenham.

He said, Tottenham.

He said Tottenham.

Now, either I hadn't actually said what I thought I'd said.

Yeah.

And either I'd said,

or he didn't.

I think he must have interpreted what I'd said as, who are you playing today?

Ah, because he was in a Tottenham strip.

Was he, yes, this is pivotal.

Was he wearing a strip?

No, well, I'll come on to that in a minute.

He said, Tottenham, and for some reason, my brain said these are all Brighton fans and they're off to play Tottenham.

And there you are, sat as a, and even I understand this, you're a fan of Tottenham's arch rival, correct?

I am a fan of Tottenham's arch rival.

Now, which

I then announced to him very proudly because I thought he was a Brighton fan

and that he was off to play Tottenham.

So the first thing I said was, so I'd said, who are you playing today?

He said, Tottenham.

I said, oh, I'm an Arsenal fan.

Like that to him.

And the punching began.

And the reason my face looks okay is because I actually punched my face out and then back in so many times that it's just coincidentally has reformed its natural shape.

But it's actually loads smaller than usual because they've punched it all in.

And you're actually able to take parts from the old man's bald head face just to patch up yours

well that that's what luckily the um the a team the a e squad is that what they're called

the a e squad that visited that that saved my life on that train said henry we wouldn't have you wouldn't have survived this if we hadn't had the parts to hand well the train would have diverted directly to a e wouldn't wouldn't they yeah it would have done yeah well yeah they do that as soon as they heard you after that word in instances like this yeah

And but of course, I was the equivalent of like an old sort of like an old sort of MG that had been wrecked, but luckily there was an even older, there was was a kind of

in the scrapyard next door.

In the scrapyard.

They had all the parts they needed.

And they actually said to me, you know what, Henry, I don't know if it's more your face or more that other old ball blaster's face now.

But here is his wife.

She may well follow you around for a few months.

Pining.

Obviously, we say wife.

It was a bald fish and version of himself wearing a female wig, isn't it?

So essentially, this is quite an awkward situation, but I hadn't realised my faux pas yet, which is that essentially

he was telling me who he was supporting rather than who they were playing.

So I thought, oh, is it Brighton fans off to play Tottenham?

Now, look, I know that, you know, I'm not into the football rivalries and stuff.

I know they're all a load of rubbish.

You know, everyone's just the same supporting their team and stuff.

But, you know, for a bit of fun banter, I then started getting stuck into Tottenham.

And I said, oh, you can really attack them.

Their defense is rubbish.

No.

And basically, I just carried on like this for a while.

And then I suddenly, it's a bit like in a

because I realized that I mean, I do pick up basic social signals.

The sharpening of an axe, for example, the stuffing of a sock with snooker bolts.

These little social signs, the waxing of a body bag.

And then what happened was a bit like in a film, you know, like in a film, like in the Da Vinci Code or something, where someone suddenly, suddenly I noticed

an obscure symbol

tattooed to his arm.

It was a chicken sat on a football.

And I looked on his shirt, and there's a chicken sat on a football and there's everyone's shirts and there's a chicken sat on a football, which is the, I believe, is the Tottenham logo, isn't it?

So it's sort of cockrel on a football.

Is it?

And every, also,

all of them were Tottenham fans.

So then it was, it was just incredibly embarrassing.

It was really, really awful.

And but also I was completely, as I described the seating situation, I was completely wedged in.

And also, you know, the corridor, you know, the aisle, everything was wedged with Tottenham fans.

And the ball guy opposite me wouldn't even look at me in the eyes anymore.

He doesn't want to deepen that emotional connection.

He's

over for him.

He's already started the greeting process.

And basically, I looked at my phone and I realized I had 40 minutes until Three Bridges.

I knew for a fact they were going on to Brighton, which is beyond where I was going.

So I was going to have to sit the rest of the journey.

It was just really, really awful.

Really, really embarrassing.

And did you at any point go, oh, oh, sorry, I thought you were, no, but I thought you were Brighton.

Thanks.

Thanks, Ben, for that.

That loving portrait.

That loving and affectionate portrait, if I might have dealt with it.

I felt in a way that would have been worse.

I didn't know what to do.

I put my AirPods in, but I didn't play any music in them because I wanted to hear if they were planning my murder.

But weirdly.

You just kept the 999 line open.

Just kept it open, ready to go.

But of course, I was a moving target because the train was moving.

So how would I tell 999 where I was?

It'd be impossible.

It'd be literally impossible.

I'm moving through Sussex.

I'm currently being thrown out of a train somewhere in the middle of West Sussex.

Also, they've got three bridges to choose between in terms of throwing me off one.

Probably throwing me off all three.

And luckily, it was on the way there, right?

It wasn't on the way back after a belly full of strong lagers.

That's true.

And also, Tottenham did actually have to have to be the goal to lose that game in almost exactly the way that I'd laid out that they might through having a poor defence.

Let's turn on the beam machine, you bet.

Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Dan from Bremen.

Thanks, Dan.

Is sharks.

What does the shark in

represent?

Oh, very good, Ben Bear.

Very, very good.

Very, very good.

Very, very good.

Russia.

It's always Russia.

It's always Russia.

Of course, the great thing about Jaws is you actually don't see the shark.

You actually don't see Brezhnev until the end, do you?

You don't see Brezhnev until the final scene where they put a gas canister in his mouth, don't they, and blow his head up.

He's the shark is Russia, powered by Brezhnev.

yeah and then so who is the who is the sheriff then because he's a russian agent isn't he initially uh that's right the sheriff's the bad guy isn't he appears to be anti-shark but actually what the the shark and the no no because the the mayor's the good guy the mayor is america the mayor is capitalism because he wants to keep this thing going the beach going i see and it's it's if i want to go and party on the beach in cape cod or whatever it is it's your right it's my right to get my legs bitten off while i'm having an ice cream and a frosty beer.

Yeah.

Just as it's the shark's right to bare teeth and to...

It's my right, my choice.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

If I was to dispatch my children on a lilo

into the blood-soaked waters.

Exactly.

And

if your leg happens to float its way towards the back door of Big Bill's meaty beach buffet

and wend its way into one of his burgers, then that's just capitalism just flourishing, isn't it?

Yeah, if he wants to take that opportunity to

grow the economy and grow his family and improve his business, fine.

And it's someone else's choice if they want to have a burger with an ankle sticking out of it.

Or if you want to get over the fact, Mike, that you've lost your leg by eating your own leg.

Eat my own leg.

The suits from City Hall aren't going to be shutting me down.

It's literally a foot-long sub, isn't it?

Because it's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So the sheriff is, yeah, he's very much, he's like,

yeah, he's, he's one of your pinko agitators, basically.

Which one's Rob Schneider?

No, not Rob Schneider.

He's the sheriff.

He's the sheriff.

He's come from the

sheriff.

Oh, yeah, so he's the hero.

He's come from New York City.

Well, that's what you think.

He's got

New York City full of its liberals.

He initially tries to defeat the shark with jazz, doesn't he?

He does.

Which doesn't work.

Just makes the shark more angry.

Because the shark hates jazz.

It's actually not Rob Schneider, is it?

Is it which have we got right?

Is it the Schneider or the Rob that we've got?

It's Roy Schneider.

Roy Schneider.

Yeah.

Rob Schneider was in Deuce Bigelow Male Big Low.

Yeah.

Roy Schneider, New York exile.

They say he doesn't understand this town.

He's trying to shut the beach down.

Why has he been exiled?

Is it because presumably it's because he accidentally killed a man because he was on the buddle and he shot his own partner in front of six children who he also shot because they were on the buddle.

Because they because Hollywood

because Hollywood had already released

58 films that week with that backstory.

They decided against that and

he just wanted to move with his family somewhere where there was a nice beach.

Upsize?

There's more sort of property.

Just upsizing.

Just move it up to upsize.

So even though he was enjoying the upsizing, but he did accidentally kill his mortgage advisor because he was on the third.

He was on the edge.

You never should have brought a gun to that mortgage meeting.

But goddammit, I'm a cup.

Give me a badge.

And the other one, the blue pleater one that you keep in your ankle suck.

And the one that says, I'm 38 today.

Um, who's Quint?

There's definitely someone called Quint, isn't it?

Quint is, he's the fisherman.

He's the uh he's the veteran.

The sea dog.

He was the guy who was on the he was on the USS Indianapolis.

A mission so secret they didn't even send out distress codes when the Hungarian torpedo hit us and we were sinking.

And they were like, Everybody's so dead, you might as well just send us a bunch of croutons to pour in the ocean because it's man and shark soup you're looking at here baby i didn't didn't literally meet it about the croutons that's stop it stopping croutons

and now they're shooting down the crouton planes god damn it that crouton pilot was my best friend

what a senseless waste

I cost 200 of the guy survived the shock and actually ended up dying from brain injuries from croutons falling from great height.

That's the irony of one of the ironies.

Yeah, I mean,

he's absolutely brilliant, that character.

He was haunted man of the sea who'd been screwed over by the man.

But yeah, he describes Ben, there's this incident which happened in World War II where loads of them.

And he says, 259 people went into the ocean.

259 sharks came out.

259 sharks came out wearing their clothes.

And they now walk amongst us.

And one of them is President of the United States of America.

America.

America.

America.

America.

I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

America.

Get me the DA, a slice of old mama's apple pie dandy alamo animal in New York City.

Oh, just give up now.

You'll never be an actor, Mr.

Plemens

Burgers.

So I don't remember that.

So is that so?

Is he saying that when his ship sank, there were lots of sharks there?

He was saying he was his ship was deliver.

He said that his ship was delivering the bomb.

Basically, the hottest woman in the history of the United States.

Because

it was the 70s and it was, yeah.

They were delivering a super hot check.

Weapons grade babe.

Weapons-grade babe.

Yeah, atomic babe that was going to be dropped onto the enemy.

So he was delivering the bomb to where, though?

To wherever the airstrip was that had the bombers that was going to

drop it.

Yeah.

Drop it on Japan.

So it was so secret, no distress signal was sent.

I see.

So then when it sank, those are sharks turned up.

Those sharks.

They're bobbing out.

297 people went into the water and 475 people came out of the water.

Depending on how you

define a person.

Defining an animal.

Both guys have been fishing in the water.

The conditions were perfect.

But why didn't he get eaten by a shark?

Is that what he said?

I guess he survived.

Basically, for some reason, they decided to give this guy a backstory as to why he hated sharks, as opposed to just the usual reason, reason, which is everyone just hates sharks because they're sharks.

But this guy has a specific backstory about sharks.

Because I've never been crossed by a shark or had an issue with a shark.

I do hate sharks.

Yeah.

Because I'm a normal human.

And no matter what they tell you, sharks are evil.

They should be wiped out.

Shouldn't they?

Definitely.

They kill seals.

I'm a big fan of seals.

That's important that we make that clear.

Our position on sharks, same goes for spiders.

Oh, they help get rid of flies.

No, no, no.

Sorry, you're wrong about spiders there.

Spiders are.

No, no, Mike's got a thing about spiders because Mike hates flies even more than you're supposed to.

I will not clear a spider out of this house.

I refuse.

I absolutely refuse.

Why?

Because they're helping you in

your aim to exterminate all flies.

Yes.

Well, have you heard Mike's backstory about flies?

He tried to put on a picnic a few years ago.

27

people came into that picnic.

No distress signals.

No distress signals said because it was just a picnic.

dead eyes lifeless eyes well those are those are the eyes that i have i always think of that

people think of my of that scene because he describes the shark's eyes those lifeless eyes those henry packer-esque eyes

come on come on bovine come on are you giving me bovine i think more um roquin what is that what do we say shark that's that's french for shark is it nice

nice word what's the word for sharkes but i think i've got people say i've got sharkesque eyes by the way on topic of sharkesque eyes

a little in for important fact for our listeners to know if you get attacked by a shark one of the ways you're supposed to deal with it is

mainly maintain eye contact they become socially awkward

and um

they invite you around for dinner which neither of you want to go to but it's just so awkward you have to end up going and it ends up turning into more of an awkward friendship with the shark isn't it and you're eating another diver you're eating another diver, probably a friend, colleague, or relative generally of yours.

Who living taken down?

No, they say go for their eyes, don't they?

So, because I remember when I grew up, my brother had a shark book.

This book almost had a kind of religious, not religious, I don't know, it was like, well, I suppose it was the equivalent of the Necronican.

The Book of the Dead.

For me, it had a kind of religious power.

It was so terrifying.

So everything else about my brother was normal.

He liked badminton.

He did his homework and stuff.

He listened to his walkman, and he also owned the book of the dead, Necronicon.

Can I just say that every time you say Necromicon, Necronicon,

you get it wrong?

So I don't know what the right word is.

We always get like 20 years.

It's too late for that now.

And I think the people who complained about that, they've long gone, though, surely.

They can't bear it.

Necroniskeptics.

I don't care about them.

I mean, I think it's important that we keep saying

they can keep sending in their

complonic

necromancer.

The necromancer himself.

Which we won't do.

Or the necronic on the novelist.

By the way, something people often don't realize.

You realize the necronicon

got turned down by like 15 publishers before actually.

It's one of those things that really reminds you to stick at it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, the sad thing, though, is that the necromancer didn't know it would be success until long after after his death and the death of thousands.

Thousands upon thousands of innocent souls that were burnt in the forge that created the Necronicon.

Yeah, I think we're going to pass, actually, but really keep on.

We really admire, you know, just stick at it, you know?

Do you think you'd be good at writing a recipe book for air fryers?

Because there's a big market for that at the moment.

It's ready cash.

In a sense, my book represents a human buffet

in which mankind will boil and burn throughout the eons.

Yeah, well, more for sort of whimsical stories about families of rabbits, things like that.

Anthropologist badgers, that kind of stuff.

I do have an idea about a free-floating eye with teeth.

What about a sort of personal memoir about the death of your parents, grief and wild swimming?

How about that?

Well, I killed my parents with the bones of my uncles.

Is that the kind of thing?

no but in terms of yeah so that that this shark book was like was like the necronicon to me great it was an object of almost religious sort of reverence and terror that i held in equal measure which is exactly what the necronicon's going for yeah oh yeah yeah which is like you want it but you don't dare look in it yeah there's a you're terrified about what you may summon you exactly yeah in the dead of night When you open up a chapter and it's just a big staircase.

Yeah.

Big wet staircase.

And you end up being sucked into the staircase.

And And then you come back to life and

you now are the photo of the author of the Necronica on the inside back cover.

And you're trapped in his photo forever.

And the blurb has changed to fit your biography at the age of seven.

He's

singularly unimpressive.

But you have won the Costa Award for best first book.

So

swings around both.

For payment, I was hoping my advance, I was hoping it'd be something more along the lines of 70,000 horse skulls.

and i will take my royalty in tears

so i used to open its pages and i would literally glimpse i was so terrified of the photos and of the book i would that glimpse just through like opening a crack in a door you know with one eye i would sort of peer into the book

and um

there was um there was one horrifying page that was just just a blood-soaked shark teeth just row after row of teeth nice but there was one there was a great photo of a guy that had a huge shark mouth-shaped shark bite

shark mouth-shaped bite over his body who'd survived and uh he said in his thing he'd reached the shark had encased his upper body in its mouth i think that bit just will happen there's no point fighting that bit if a shark comes towards you you're going to get encased if anything i'd say swim into its mouth because at least then you're in control of the narrative

So get your torso nice and wedged, front, just straight, straight as you can into its mouth.

And then what you do is you reach up with your arms.

Yeah.

Of course, remember, a shark, like a bird, its eyes are on the side of its head.

So you can reach both your arms up.

And if you can reach the eyes, just get your hands into the eye.

Just start.

So from within the gob, you're saying.

You're going to scratch the inside of your arms a bit, aren't you?

On the old, on the teeth.

There may be some scratching, Mike.

I'm sorry to break this to you, but you get your upper body in the mouth of a grain.

You're in salt water as well.

It's going to smart.

It's going to be sting like belly.

There's going to be some stinging.

But basically, you just have to punch away at the eyes, get your hands in all the stuff that people automatically want to do in this E-My Eyes.

You just want to get in there and just start

because they're so dark, they stare into you.

They just stare in you.

You just harpoon those mothers.

You just want to harpoon them because

you're staring into the blackness in the heart of everything with these, aren't you?

The same with the shark.

So you get your fists in their eyes, just grab onto them, mess around with them, give them a squish.

Just get in there.

Just get squishy with it.

It does require some presence of mind.

Does this have this guy claim that that's what he'd done?

That's how he'd survived.

Yeah, that's how he survived.

And the other one is punch him on the nose.

What about shove a grenade in their gill?

There we go.

A gill grenade is good, but you'll be going down with that shark, Ben, probably, if you're in its mouth.

I'm that petty that I think I'd rather take it down.

Go down with a shark.

What if you really went for it?

Swam right in.

So that almost the teeth don't get you.

You just go straight in.

So all that's left then is your feet poking out.

You get to shore and then you can walk around like a sort of novelty shark on feet.

Do you know what I mean?

With your head sticking out of its anus.

Well, in an ideal world, yes.

Or cloakcare or whatever it is they might like.

They're the jingle.

Welcome to the Cloaca zone.

Punch out a couple of arm holes.

Yeah, exactly.

You're basically a kid's party.

You're basically a kid's party ready.

Great white poncho.

Yeah, or maybe you could, like, there'll be a seafood restaurant that would want you to stand out the front.

Yeah.

I'm going to say for a maximum of three days.

At which point you will start being a little bit putrid.

You will start being a little bit putrid.

That's what I would do if I was attacked by a shark.

Do you ever get great whites in Britain?

They've never come this far, have they?

Not that I know of.

It's a good, like, sort of tabloid summer story, isn't it?

They'll see something and be on the front page.

Yeah.

I've got no idea.

I've certainly never tried to answer that question.

Maybe we've got a sharkologist who could tell us.

Sorry, what question?

Whether sharks got an anus?

No, I'm confident the shark has an anus.

You're confident the shark's got an anus?

That's a big call.

Thank you.

Whether or not sharks have been in a great white's been in British waters.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Living memory.

Sorry, I'm just googling does a shark have an anus because I'm.

Surely it's got an anus.

It's got an anal fin.

You're not going to name one of your fin.

You're not going to name a fin an anal fin unless it's near an anus, surely.

Okay, here we go.

Digestive system of a shark.

The stomach terminates at the pyloris,

which leads to the duodenum and then to the spiral valve.

Oh, that sounds cool.

The spiral valve is a coiled organ.

It increases surface area so the nutrients can be absorbed.

The spiral valve then empties into the rectum and anus and then into the collaca.

Wow, they've got everything going on.

They've chosen the whole lot.

They've chosen all the extras, they've got all the options.

They've got the cigarette lighter.

No wonder people talk about them as like the perfectly evolved killer.

Of course they've got it all.

Quite often, they've got a lot of chambers to their stomachs, haven't they?

Because quite often you will find someone's leg, someone's arm, someone's got a coil rig.

Yeah, I do know one thing I do know about sharks is that they

internally gestate their young.

Is that right?

Yes, in the same way that we do, right?

Yeah, but but the sharks quite often eat each other in the womb.

Good lord.

I think that sometimes happens.

Wow.

What a training ground.

Ten sharks went in from the very get-go, a fight to the death before births.

And we'll be showing that on the screen three hours non-stop.

And that's what I thought we could do at the at our book launch for the Necronican.

I think that's right.

And then sometimes the mothers will eat the young, the young will eat the mother.

It's that sort of thing.

It's that sort of thing.

I mean, they're one of the evil animals, isn't it?

So sharks.

Sharks are evil.

I contend that spiders are evil.

Spiders, the kids eat their mother, the mother eats their brother.

Everyone's eating each other.

Isn't it just evil?

No, spiders aren't evil.

Spiders are pitiless.

They're not evil, I would say.

But the shark is...

So you admire a spider, Mike, for its pitilessness.

Well, one thing which comes up in shark films quite a lot is something which

quite often at some point someone in the film will say, Well, of course, in a way I do admire them, yes, because they're the perfect predator.

All they do is kill.

Although, if you do manage to stand on the beach, then you're completely safe.

But they're otherwise the perfect killer.

Or if you're on, for example, a raft or a boat, then you're completely safe.

Completely safe.

Or nowhere near the sea at all.

Or nowhere in the complete or perfect place.

But completely safe.

Probably probably kill you.

But also, think about it: they quite fancy going in the sea, don't you?

And they know that.

Although you're safe up to about your own, certainly around the coast of most

countries in the world, you're pretty much safe all the time because they don't come into very shallow waters.

But they're the perfect predators.

They can kill with a left fin, they can kill with their right fin,

they can kill with a glance,

they can kill with an outfit,

and they're unencumbered by morality.

Like, you know,

guinea pigs and stuff have, don't they?

The fact is, all animals are the same.

All they want to do is kill.

They're just sharks are quite good at it.

Some of them want to kill cabbages, you know?

Exactly.

Yeah, which are alive.

Cabbages are alive.

They have cellular life.

I remember when they found a really old shark that they thought might be the oldest living thing on Earth, maybe oldest.

Not living things, obviously there's trees that are old, but, you know, like oldest sort of animals.

And I remember in the paper, the thing they always led with was like, This shark remembers Henry VIII.

And you go, No, it doesn't.

It had absolutely no anecdotes.

That was what was so disappointing about it, do you remember?

Because he had anecdologists from all around the world gathered.

They thought, We're going to get the best anecdotes of all time here.

He literally didn't rack on to anything, did he?

Were you there at the singing of the Mary Rose?

Then I did.

I know, I was um, I was actually around Madagascar at the time.

It was just, I had,

I had a lovely summer, it was, but it was quiet, nothing you know what, really.

I was mainly just doing sort of following my instincts, from mainly his instinct stuff i think eating trout just yeah

and is it still living i think so i think so yeah so it remembers um

it remembers when you get a pint in london for less than seven pounds

Hats off to Shark Nado, probably.

There's a film recommendation.

I've not seen it.

I've not seen shark nado

it's it's a shameless piece of cinema and it's a it's an awful it's it's an awful lot of fun good so i i've seen sharks right

i've seen sharks when i've been snorking a few times i've seen anything called black tip reef sharks

which are they're basically they're just like fun-sized sharks they're about the size

two and a half times the size of your average small dog.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's about the size of a large dog?

Not quite

three quarter three quarters of a large dog three quarters well so oh yeah or or depending how well or six eighths of two large dogs depending on

depending on how you want but only length only lengthways but six eighths but not three quarters

it's whatever's clear so three quarters of one dog or six eighths of two dogs yeah you know saying yeah language is look language is this way of whatever makes it clear to you but but the important thing is this is only lengthways so imagine a large dog that could fit in probably like an, I'd say.

But the width of probably two and a half medium dogs.

No, but you're having to fit the dog into a tube that's about

in diameter, I'd say twice the width of your average sewage pipe on the outside of a,

certainly of a Victorian building.

Okay.

So.

Of a medium-sized town.

Of a medium-sized town.

No, so it's because they're lengthways.

They don't really have much.

width size, but they're quite long.

But you know what?

They're about the size.

You know what?

They're about twice the they're probably about 10 times the size of a toy shark.

But not the inflatable ones.

Not the inflatable ones.

It's quite hard to sort of imagine how.

It's quite hard to think of how big.

God, if only someone had invented some sort of a unit for links.

You only go to a foreign hotel and they've got like a weirdly round pillow.

No.

It's like a sausage thing pillow.

No?

So

two and a half times the radius of that.

Okay.

Sausage dog.

Expand it in all proportions.

Three times.

So it's just a big sausage dog.

Well, no, hang on.

The legs will be massive now, relatively.

Oh, God.

Run away.

Tell me in

British supermarket baguette.

Okay, easy.

Imagine you're trying to recreate a kind of World War II style gatling gun out of baguette.

So you'd probably put about

nine of them in a circle.

That's about how big it is, actually.

That's about that big.

It's quite hard to tell how big they are, these sharks, because

one thing I noticed about them is

they've basically they've got it.

They've got a glamour.

They've got like, you just, when you see them, it's like, fucking hell,

you just can't look at, you can't look at anything else.

They've got an absolute X factor, these things.

They've got a kind of, there's just a sinister

quality to the way they roam.

They've got a different energy to all the other fish.

Oh, we we've all we've all known guys like that right

yeah but it's not it's not often that three of them that get together and do a podcast

and then two of them leave because they're from the original lineup and then replaced by mike and ben

is it

so one thing i noticed about them which is really interesting is the way they look like

They look like an accident of the light or something.

They look like

they're not even real.

They look like they're not there because they're so well camouflaged that from the top, they look like

the bottom of the sea as seen from the top.

And from the bottom, they look like

the top of the sea as seen from the bottom.

Like the way you'd paint a Spitfire.

Ooh.

So they're green on top and then grey underneath, aren't they?

Yeah, and with a big sort of like bullseye insignia on each side.

That's right, yeah.

And then like a sort of 50 style pin-up painted at the front.

No, but they've got, so basically from the bottom, they're light because the surface of the ocean looks light from below, and from the top, they just kind of look dark.

So, they look like a kind of um,

they look a bit like Predator in the Predator films.

You know,

you look like just light is moving, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But you look at the light and it's in the shape, and it's the shape of pure death.

That's right,

it's death itself.

Death made fish,

yes, that's right.

Death made fish.

So, when you were in recently on holiday in Sri Lanka and you went snorkeling, was that the kind of place where there was someone in charge and they would tell you that it was okay and these sharks aren't going to eat you?

Or was that something you had to work out yourself?

Well, no, what was great about it was

not far from where we were staying, you take a little boat out, and all there was was this deserted little rocky outcrop with two to three thousand people on it

and probably about 300 boats

all floating around and a burger king

a really really great burger king so what was the question Ben didn't really understand it were you supervised and was there was someone

like a sort of harpoon sheriff yeah like or was someone saying you know if you see a shark this big you probably need to be worried but these ones are no you know what I mean there was there was no super no because I think I think I think that the good thing about the 2,000 3,000 people is that the sharks are just like...

It's absolutely buffet for a shark, isn't it?

It's too much of a good thing almost.

So you're just snorkeling, but you're also just punching anything with an eyeball in the eyeball that you can see, basically.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Thrashing through the water.

But crucially, putting your head in the mouth first and then going to the eyes lashing.

Yeah.

And with the smaller fish, often just putting my head in the mouth kills them.

No, because

these are known to be...

Basically, I think the truth about the big, great great whites and stuff,

they're gentle giants in a white.

No, they're not actually.

But they

just don't come to these busy areas, I think, just for some reason.

There was no chance of seeing a great white or a huge shark.

But so actually, what you want, you're desperately wanting to see a shark.

And when you see one, it's amazing.

They'd rather bag a sea lion.

Exactly.

Exactly.

According to this website I've just found, the last shark attack in Sri Lanka was recorded in 2004.

There you go.

So it was about time for another one when you were.

It was actually.

That's one worth looking at.

It's one of those things, shark attacks, where, you know, statistically,

it's so unlikely, isn't it?

But

it's such a viscerally unpleasant way to die that that person who was attacked in 2004, you know,

they had such a shit time while that was happening that it just permeates the culture as a fear.

They didn't die, in fact, this person.

They were 11 years old.

No injury.

Wow.

Whereas in 1950, on the 1st of January, a man called Abu Baker went shark fishing had his buttock removed

and the species possibly a lemon shark really and it removed his butt his buttock

that's gonna stay with me can you survive without a buttock it says here that in the 20th century a man called Rodney Jonklas was collecting ornamental fish in an eastern province of Sri Lanka when a black-tipped reef shark

Oh, wow, that's the one I was assured was completely safe there.

Attacked him.

There was no injury, and he beat off the shark with his collecting net.

so it doesn't sound particularly uh that is extraordinary i find it extraordinary that that has made the annals of history yeah i guess

that someone's bothered to write that down that it's survived to this day yeah yeah no injury so a really tiny shark came near me and nothing happened and i hit it with my yeah i hit it with my um my net and it went away q immortality

that is weird isn't it well i'll remember the name rodney jonklass forever

right sharks final thoughts can't live with them.

Probably could live without them.

No, look, I know sharks, they're obviously part of the ecosystem, aren't they?

It's important.

Without sharks, no one would eat one in 6,000 divers.

And there'd be too many divers.

They would eat too many

muesly bars, wouldn't they?

And there wouldn't be enough muesli bars.

Well, that leads to intensive farming, doesn't it?

Then you're over farming the muesley, aren't you?

And then the whole ecosystem.

Polluting the rivers.

Polluting the rivers.

That then means that people can't go wild swimming.

They look for some other sort of aquatic pursuits.

What What do they get into?

They get into diving.

It's an awful cycle.

It's a terrible, terrible cycle.

Well, thank you, Sharks.

Thank you, Sharks.

Thank you, Dan from Bremen.

Thanks for all your good work.

And also, thanks for being that rare thing, which is both the most deadly predator on earth.

The most terrifying amoral killer that thinks of nothing but disemboweling and chomping on the faces of any other living being.

That's all it cares about.

Most terrifying, just a literal metaphor for death.

for being that and for being quite popular with as a toy for kids.

Yeah, or just an unusual choice of steak.

Go with just a simple bit of lemon.

Keep it simple.

A bit of spinach.

This episode of Three Bean Salads is dedicated to the memory of Rodney Jonklass.

Let's read your emails.

To the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

You can email us at threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

This is from Andy.

Hello, Andy.

Andy.

Recently, I found myself watching the hit BBC show World's Most Dangerous Roads.

In which I was startled to see TV's Mike Wozniak driving across the wilds of Namibia.

Indeed.

Arid, weather beaten, and showing signs of neglect.

Here we go.

Mike did the best he could in trying circumstances.

Namibia, meanwhile, looks beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo.

Okay, yes, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that.

What?

Hang.

I thought he trended.

Oh, he's gone the other way.

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that...

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So

what he said before wasn't that.

I thought it...

No, he's gone the other way around from there.

Oh, God.

It's the old Switcheroo.

It was a crisp one.

I've got a lot of time for that, Andy.

Thanks, because usually most switcheroos these days, the fashion is very much for a very, very, very long-winded switcheroo, which has its place.

It's great fun, but that was snap.

I mean, so snappy that.

I mean, the switch had hardly been established before it was a rude, wasn't it?

Yeah, you were barely.

Yeah, so it was clever.

But it takes a huge amount of switcheroo confidence, I think, to do that.

Yeah.

And a huge amount of work because that would have he'd have whittled it down to that when it would have been a lot longer.

Economy is stunning.

New boundaries in the post.

Okay, this is from Mark.

Hello, Mark.

Henry's doing a great job with his anecdotes and comedy.

Thanks, mate.

But I'd like to see more Henry Packer bass baritone singing if that's available.

Yeah.

I do think it's bass baritone, it's more

subcontra bass.

It's kind of

subcontra base.

Earth woofer.

It's earth woofer.

It vibrates actually

certain

bowels.

Owls and certain African prairie dogs.

I'd said bowels, but yeah, I agree also with

also.

Owls.

So it's owls.

Is it owls, bowels, cowls, fowls?

Cowls.

And jowls.

So Simon and Simon Cowl, unfortunately, is the only owl rhyming thing that isn't interested and has not replied to any of my emails about doing a subcontra bass tone album.

But you know, it vibrates very, very low.

Well, I've actually got a little um

I've got a little subcontra-bass bass little song i've been i've been um singing to myself recently is this the one you used to clean submarines it's the one i use

it's the one i used to clean the propellers of submarines mike a big pardon the rest of submarine is most of it's just cleaned by by traditional hoovers and gif

hoovers and gif just move it through the water a bit yeah yeah to move through the water constantly rinsed and a bit of via cow on the uh on the torpedoes

and you golden generally now ben i know you've done a grementous a brilliant grementous jingle haven't you?

I think that would have debuted in last week's episode.

But just to help explain that geometus does mean smelling of horse piss.

Here it is again.

Grumentus.

Geomentus.

It's a word that heaven sent us.

To define the whiff of a horse's piss.

So we describe that scent for us.

But my subcontra-based little tone song I'd like to do is about geometus, because it's something I sing to myself sometimes.

Can I do it?

Okay.

Can I do it?

Yeah, it is.

It goes like this.

Oh, what a tumentous morning.

Oh, what a tumentous day.

I've got a tumentous feeling.

Horsepace is coming my way.

Happy with that, Mark?

Is that what Mark was after?

I think that's what I think Mark's Christmas has come early for Mark.

Make that into a ringtone, Mark.

Horsepace is coming my way.

And then a big orchestral sweep.

Yeah.

Is that the opening of the musical?

Tumentous, stupendous, tremendous, tumentous.

Hospice, hospice everywhere.

Horsepiss, horsepus in my hair.

This feels like the final number, I would say, when everyone's running into the streets and kicking through puddles of horse piss.

That's right.

Can canning it all over the place.

And you get a reprise of the horse piss overture from the beginning, which is 2,000 horses pissing onto Timpani drums.

Yeah, exactly.

And what is the plot of this musical?

Gementus,

three exclamation marks.

That's what it's called.

It's about a southern bell.

Piss stinking southern bell.

Stinking bells.

Comes into the big city for the first time.

Comes into the big, bad city.

Yeah, and everyone shuns her for stinking of piss, but she's like, but back in the country, this is what people like.

This is how, yeah, this is what we wash with.

Yeah.

And they've forgotten the old ways in the big city.

but then she falls in love with a horse penis surgeon

who um with his cloak of many horse penises his cloak of many horse penises is it he should already be betrothed to um to someone in the elite and the urban elite yes yes but maybe she's also entered like a beauty contest yeah but she has no hope of winning because she stinks judged on odor alone of horse piss yeah but she basically needs to convince the town that the smell of horse piss is a beautiful smell.

Because what they've been used to is just the what?

Well, they've moved on to the motor car, Mike.

This is set in the early days of the modern T Ford, right?

Is it?

Okay.

So this is what this is all about.

It's about modernity encroaching on the American South.

And of course, the cars are replacing the horses.

Exactly.

Aren't they?

And petrol fumes are replacing the traditional, more geometous smells.

So there'd be a song about car piss, wouldn't there?

Yeah, because of the piss of the piss.

Yeah, the petrol is the piss of the car.

And then, of course, the main plot then revolves around because he tries to create a kind of a frankenhorse, doesn't he?

Which is halfway between a horse and a car.

A sort of Sir Hogley.

A bit like a Sir Hogley.

But a Sir Horsely.

And the end is a bit like, is it Hamlet?

At the end, it's a bit like, so they all drink what they think is lemonade, but it's actually horse piss.

I don't remember that bit of Hamlet.

Well, Henry, you remember Henry, what Henry did for his degree?

He's going back to the very early folios.

Very early folios.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because all his early work was sponsored by horse piss, it was very commercial.

Well, originally, he was drinking horse piss out of Yorick's skull, wasn't he?

That was the

big moment, yeah, yeah.

This is from Luke.

Hello, Luke.

A few weeks ago, I subscribed to your Patreon.

Thank you.

A worth file investment gives me access to countless hours of previous I listened to bean content.

I recently put this to good use when I took a 48-hour round trip from London to Sydney in business class.

Ooh,

we got a high roller.

Yeah,

Round trip, 48 hours.

I assume he would have got off.

Stopped off there.

Surely.

At least walk around the airport.

During which I listened to the aforementioned backlog of extra bean content for the entire journey.

My words.

Are you aware of the

modern concept of raw dogging a flight?

I am aware of that.

No.

It's totally crazy.

Didn't Haaland do it?

Haaland, the Manchester City footballer, Haaland, proudly talks about how he can sit on a 14-hour flight just looking, just to not listen to any music.

Not watching any films.

Not going to the toilet?

Is that part of it?

I don't know.

But just staring straight ahead at him.

It's a thing now, it's competitive, sort of, there's one-upmanship about to what degree you can raw dog a flight.

The only thing you're allowed to watch, Mike, is that little animated, tiny little plane going across the world.

See, I like that, though.

I can get lost in that for a long time.

Yeah, you could raw dog a flight.

I bet Mike could raw dog a flight.

Yeah, you could raw dog a flight.

That'd be quite difficult, yeah.

I mean, I'm not including the toilet thing.

I'm taking toilet breaks.

I can't even raw dog brushing my teeth.

I can't raw dog listening.

I listen to radio.

I listen to podcasts and stuff and I brush my teeth.

But with Mike, it's about having literally no inner life.

It's not about having a calm and peaceful inner life.

No, because Mike, Mike, there's nothing going on in there.

When Mike isn't talking to us,

it's just on stat.

It's not even on standby.

He's unplugged the telly.

It's shark brain, isn't it?

It's shark brain.

There's no little red light yeah it's basic instinctive stuff yeah he will flee from he will flee from fire he'll flee from heat i want to feel if i feel the heat yeah if he feels it but that's the kind of stimulus that he's interested in at that point yeah but mike could you do you genuinely think you could raw dog a flight yeah no with no issue at all wow i've done it on a lot there's been plenty of times when i've on a long drive or a

train journey or whatever i've just gone do you know what i'm just gonna shut this all off uh but you're you're so right ben i i can't roll dog i can't raw dog brushing my teeth no I have to have input data.

I have to have data.

Data needs to be getting processed at all times.

Yeah, me too.

I've got little

hamsters, isn't it?

We've got the hamsters going around.

Whereas

Mike's like a dead hamster.

That's just sort of a fettered.

But it's been dead for so long, it doesn't even smell anymore.

It's just like powder.

It's like a powdered hamster, isn't it, at the bottom of a wheel?

And the wheel doesn't turn anymore.

It's become a completely encrusted logo.

It's a little bit up for safety reasons, yeah.

The mechanism's been sealed in.

Yeah.

Luke continues.

In addition to the likely permanent damage to my brain caused by such unrestricted access to Henry's ramblings, I believe this business trip may put me in the running for the world record for most environmental damage caused whilst listening to Three Bean Salad.

Let me know if/slash when I can collect my frame certificate.

All the best, Luke.

But what Luke doesn't know about is my listening entire burning parties.

And I wasn't going to announce that I've been doing them on the secret just to pilot them, but I will be making them public soon.

Yeah, there's also Henry in my listening

sewage processing plant sabotage symposium.

That's right.

They're a lot of fun.

And also, actually, this, I think it's this Friday, I'm doing one of my

listen

carpet bombing of koalas

Fridays.

So, Luke, I think, you know, good, good try,

you know, but uh, we're way ahead of you, we're way ahead of you.

Sorry, Luke.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

Forward slash three bean salad.

Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon.

Thank you.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

You get access to our bonus episodes, our Film Corner Film Review podcast.

You get our free episodes.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike spent the whole weekend.

I certainly did.

And it had to be a weekend because it was the annual Let's Maintain the Sean Bean Lounge Hydroelectric Power Station

weekend.

It certainly was.

Thank you, Ben.

And here's my report.

It was Let's Maintain the Sean Bean Hydroelectric Power Station weekend this weekend at the Sean Bean Lounge.

While Helen Lees and Moses Gale were pigging an external pipeline, they noticed a small blemish in the dam wall.

Calls to when J.D.

Kirk, Kim Lilly, and Rob Truschel from Ohio used it to play Ohio Fall-style semi-aquatic squash with Red Bennett and Axel and Emily.

Christopher Hardison skidded up the dam to inspect the blemish more closely and summoned the vision of Matt Batler, the strength of Nancy Rita Seymour, the courage of Suze Molyneux, the judgment of Richard Lucas, and the BNQ all-in-one wall scanner of Graham Hollingsworth.

This revealed this section of the dam wall was inherently weak, and an on-the-spot inquiry led to Adam S.

confessing that he had deliberately bought cheaper concrete than budgeted for and used the spare change to fund Katie Duckworth and Nick Saunders' new startup, which is an app that tells you what Rick Astley would be doing right now if he wasn't doing what he is doing.

Private investors to the startup included Comedy Gremlin, Illin Victoria, Joe Bromfield, and Rory McMahon, all of whom are currently languishing in the Sean Bean Lounge debtor's jail after the company went bust, with knock-on effects that included all Peruvian pensions being cancelled for the next 50 years.

Meanwhile, at the Blemish, Welsh Lee felt confident he could fix it from the back, but hadn't brought his scuba handyman kit, so borrowed what he could from Ben Maxwell and Chris, but they'd been planning to teach A.

Collins' guinea pig to scuba dive and had only brought minuscule air tax.

Welsh Lee rushed the job therefore and managed to to turn the blemish into a puncture.

On the dry side, Grant Tildsley bravely stemmed the flow of water by inserting his nose, but Barry Hutchinson's aftershave made him sneeze and the puncture became a hole.

Daniel McCullum shoved his fist into the hole but too hard effectively punching the hole and turning it into a bigger hole.

Lees, Leanne Hobden, Stephen Davies and Dan Holt conducted a thorough emergency debate on the merits of using body parts to plug broken dams versus calling a dam plumber and we await their conclusions with interest.

In the meantime, Matthew Apostoloff pointed out the flow of water through the unstable hole was making it steadily larger, a situation not helped by Dan Draper, Rothcat, Rosie Grant and Sonia Shaw using it as a flume and causing further erosion.

Emily Hazlehurst, Lola and Tess, thinking quickly, shoved Alex Powells, Nick Skews and Matthew Pulfreman into the hole and commissioned Rebecca Gleason to make a flume-closed sign.

Peter, realised this would be a temporary fix only, panicked and zipped himself into a waterproof hiking bag.

Robot Moff Pachapsky decreed that a permanent fix was needed, and that the only solution was that the entire dam wall should be laminated.

James and Alex were dispatched to the Sean Bean Mega Rymans, where Tom Machin was on duty, and demanded the biggest maxi-structure laminator on offer.

Regrettably, Will Cooper had already bought the large wall laminator, as he and Kate Pig Zanola had been commanded to make the Sean Bean bouldering center wipe clean.

The next best choice was somewhat larger and designed to laminate off-season skiing resorts.

Don McGowan and Kate Buckley lined up the titanic piece of stationary equipment at the foot of the dam and Harry Longmore activated it with Panash but unfortunately without warning the people left inside.

The dam was fixed, although it can no longer generate electricity, so this week we're going to finally plug in Sean Bean's very own homemade thermal neutron nuclear reactor.

Thanks all.

Okay, let's finish the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

This is from Matthew in Swanhaven.

Thank you, Matthew.

Which is on the south coast of New South Wales, Australia.

Dear Beans, I've been listening to the podcast for some time now, and have not yet heard a SCAR interpretation of the theme tune.

Oh, nice.

My attempt to create one is attached.

All the best, Matthew from Swanhaven.

Well, there we are.

Thank you, Matthew, and thanks everyone for listening.

Thank you very much.

Bye.

Cheerio.