Budget Airlines

Hi.

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Welcome to Three Bean Salad, the podcast where we talk about a topic sent in by you, the audience.

But first, we have a little catch-up.

How have we all been?

That was really breezy.

I liked it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was light.

It felt too live radio that didn't feel pod enough.

It was good and amazingly, even though though that was the 37th take, it sounded the most natural.

I think we've got it, guys.

I think we've got it.

I finally got it, guys.

That's a rough one, Henry.

Thank you.

Because it was way too breezy initially.

Then it was zero breeze.

Then it was like a

inside of a vault.

That was the note you gave me, Mike, wasn't it?

You said that sounded like the inside of a fucking vault.

Get some breeze in there.

In which an evil king is keeping turds.

Stupid turds.

Dried out, desiccated turds of his ancestors.

Yeah.

That's how not fresh that sounded.

Yeah.

Ancestral turds, yeah, belonging to a sort of powerful dynasty as well.

So,

socially evil, desiccated old turds,

in and of itself, is past its prime as well

and hasn't had any fresh ideas for centuries, yeah, and is deep into inbreeding at this stage.

That's why a lot of those turds were weird shapes.

There was a there was a Mobius, wasn't there?

Which I'm still marveling at

that just hovered, yeah, that was the mind, wasn't it?

You know what?

You know what's happened there?

I've tried,

for my sins, I've tried to give us a kind of normal, you know, accessible intro that

everyone can get.

And we ended up turning it into an absolutely obscene, really weird.

Welcomes newcomers who've perhaps never listened to the show, so they've got the purchase points to understand what they're listening to.

Yeah, maybe the whole family's in the car.

Yep.

Let's give this a shot.

Let's give this a shot.

It's probably a bit of whimsical fun, isn't it?

Turn it off, Barbara.

Turn it off.

Put it on the hot shoulder.

We're leaving the car.

We're leaving the car where it is.

Leave your rucksacks.

We're just going.

How do they know about our vault of turds?

It's too close to the bone.

Stuff your jumper into the petrol cap and light it, and we're off.

Go now.

We're doing a monotov Hyundai I10.

And now we'll all do the chant.

Hyundai.

Hyunda goodbye.

Hyundai.

why.

Well, never, never, nigh.

And then, boom!

Oh, good stuff.

Lovely stuff.

So, yeah, nice relatable start.

Thank you.

Nice relatable start.

Hook them in.

Yeah.

And then you just, then they're basically just

an e-wok on its back now, isn't it?

It's just

tickle its tummy.

I've got potentially quite a relatable bit of chat fuel.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, lovely.

Give it a go.

Was a bit of a blue edge for the mums and dads?

No blue.

Okay.

No blue.

I can try and inject blue.

Let's see how it goes.

We can dunk it in some blue sauce if we think it's not crispy enough as it is.

Okay.

So the other day I realized I've never washed my windows.

This is good podcasting.

So I realized that I'd never given my windows a clean.

I'd never got anyone else to clean the windows.

And I'd never really given them much sort of critical is this this inside and out yeah since i moved in so i've lived here probably how long two and a half years

too long yeah cool yeah it's one of those things cleaning windows it's like you can either it's a bit like teeth i suppose you can either you can see the hygienist like every six months or you can live in pain or you

yeah or you can live in in rancid really really malodorous pain and i think you need to blame your local community because i think what you're what is supposed to happen is you're supposed to inherit a window cleaner

i have never sought a window cleaner in all my days.

Yes, it is handed over, isn't it?

Really?

Yeah.

They've always just appeared and say, By the way, we do the window.

I clean your windows.

Okay.

No, that's it.

It goes with the property.

And also, they hand it down generation to generation so that that person's father would have been a window cleaner.

And that's an initial way of monitoring social history because generation by generation they've become less lewd,

haven't they?

So in the 70s,

all the window cleaners were just full-on lewd.

The whole thing was just, oh, don't mind if I do.

Oh, oh, nipples, nipples ahoy.

oh that kind of thing that's all they would say it was just pure lewd banter uh oh

lewd content warning lewd content and content content content

these days you have to close your windows when they come so that water doesn't get in but in the 70s it was so they wouldn't slip a tick on your windowsill exactly which is something they would do yeah um they actually only introduced non-non-pen non-penal um squeegees

squeegees in the early 80s

i i can't believe this content is really come on this is this is not good enough this content really really nasty start but it's nice but but actually um now it's the opposite because now they've they've become less and less lewd every generation more and more enlightened so now they'll actually say things like you know what instead of me looking in they'll offer you the option you can actually look out and watch watch me having sex on this little on a gantry on this little gantry that's that's too far the other way that was a few years ago now they've evened it out as yeah and they'll ask you how are you, really?

Yes, that's right.

That's how it goes now.

But it is a, it's quite a kind of

because, you know, if the eyes are the windows of the soul, then the glasses are the windows.

The glasses?

The glasses of the house.

Why not?

The glasses of the house.

Have you got prescription windows on your house?

That's so good.

I've actually got their actually polaroid for extra bright days for the low windows.

They're polarized.

And I've got them.

They're sort of trifected.

What's it called?

Again, they're very focal.

So I can read a book as long as the book's outside the house and I'm inside.

And to scale.

To scale.

So I can prop a book in the little

flower pot.

Read that from the inside.

No, if the eyes are the windows of the soul, then the glasses are double glazing, essentially, aren't they?

On the windows, the eyes.

Yeah?

Right, yeah.

Okay, okay.

So what does that make the windows of the house?

Ooh.

And where do drapes come in?

Where do drapes come in?

Pedal meds.

it's awkward stuff, isn't it?

No, but it's quite an intimate thing, isn't it?

Because a window cleaner is looking into your home.

Well, not anymore, so this is what I was going to come on to.

Okay, go on.

So I looked at my windows.

I thought, yeah, oh, they're probably a bit grimy, aren't they?

But I'd never actually looked at them.

Do you need to look at something without with fresh eyes?

Yeah, but you shouldn't, in a way, you shouldn't be able to look at them.

You should be looking through them.

That's the ideal.

Well, that's my problem because they were caked in shite.

So this is human shite on the inside and avian shite on the outside, is it?

100% avian shite in an outside.

Avian, and there's 99.9, and the other bit is sort of protesters, isn't it?

People who hurl their own

is

drive-by protesters.

You do get a couple of those a year, don't you?

Yeah, lots and lots of bird shit on them.

But sideways, or have you got upwards windows?

What do you mean, sideways?

How's the bird?

The bird normally poops vertically, doesn't it?

Rather than horizontally.

Yeah, but they're normally moving, so it's got momentum.

It's like when you drop a bomb, it kind of keeps going.

Yes, okay, yeah.

These are finned bird turds.

Okay, yeah.

So

it's a bit like the...

And they've written on the side, like, this one's for Pearl Harbor.

It is a mystery because I was looking around, right?

And none of the other houses on my street have this.

But it looks like a bird has made a concerted effort to kind of...

It will be targeted, Ben.

It will be targeted.

Are you on a community WhatsApp?

No, we've got a Facebook group.

Yeah, okay.

You are on a community WhatsApp.

You're just not hot on it.

Yes, that's the thing, Ben.

Yes, yeah.

You're either on it or you're on it.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You're either at the menu

or you're standing outside the tent pissing through the window.

You're the go of the shitcake's house.

When is he going to do something about it?

Yeah.

Because obviously, Ben, in terms of insulation, if you were to allow it to carry on for another couple of years, you could effectively be living in a poogloo, which wouldn't need any heating.

And maybe the future.

It could be a pooglu future, Ben, for all of us it'll be the subject of a bbc4 documentary you could be at the front of that wave anyway i thought i need to get this cleaned now i don't this is what i wanted to ask you both especially especially mike because i feel like henry lives in some flats where somebody else might deal with the clean like well my problem is i live in a service department oh where they clean them all the time to a degree that is completely unnecessary and it's clearly a racket cleaning them all the time i i i just don't don't need them to be that clean yeah so you basically always got a man man hovering outside your window.

Always a man.

Exactly.

It's really military.

Reading over your shoulder.

Yeah.

It's quite disturbing.

Saying, I think probably three and a half minutes on the poach, Henry.

Three and a half I'd go for because I know that you like it soft as the bread goes in.

Have a nice day.

There's that kind of thing.

But they've got mega mops.

They've got literally, I'm not even exaggerating.

They've literally got mega mops.

And they're telescopic.

They've got telescopic mega mops.

well this is what i wanted to ask about because mike you live in a more similar situation to me a house on the street you need to get someone to do it yeah in my day

a window cleaner was just a bloke yeah who had a ladder

yeah and fan and fancied your partner

yeah and essentially they were trying to get in the feeling was they were trying to get in through the window essentially wasn't it that was the feeling or make it as clean as possible so they could see your partner who in the 70s, obviously, most families in the country in the 70s were mustachioed bald man with a top hat or bowler hat.

So bowler hat is what I meant.

Sorry, mustachioed bald man with a bowler hat.

Yeah.

But a wife who was sort of bedecked with like sort of huge head, this incredibly glamorous kind of huge wife who's spent about three hours in makeup with a kind of huge buffon hair.

But from the neck down, it's just a teddy and some fluffy slippers.

Yeah, exactly.

That's what that's what the government wanted us.

That's what the government wanted us to do.

To do was resistance.

And a cocktail.

A

cocktail in one hand.

Because every, instead of a bedside tables, in it in the 70s, each bed had a little cocktail bar with a waiter, didn't it?

On each side of the bed.

And a really horribly thick carpet everywhere that was just

utterly imbued with

human cells.

Thick carpet next to the toilet.

thick carpet in the kitchen.

That was the utopia that they wanted for us.

But now it's different, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

So I just thought it'd be a guy with some soapy water, right?

Is that what you have, Mike?

They've upgraded recently so that they're now the small van.

Yes, uh, with quite a lot of kit in the back, pressurized hose, very long, uh, very long mega mop for the to reach, you know, a couple of the taller houses, all the houses perhaps have got an attic conversion with a Vlux that can reach those guys.

No, no problem.

This is what I got, yeah.

And I understand it, because it means you don't have to go up a ladder, and I imagine the death rate will have come down quite highly.

Yeah, because the mega mop, but um, so he gets out the mega mob,

which, by the way, just uses water, no soap, which I don't really understand.

Yeah, and it's it's a much more professional situation.

I'm thinking, this is going to be spendy.

He starts getting all his kit out and then starts talking terms.

I've got to sign up for like a he has to come back every eight weeks.

I've got to sign up for that.

There's no

such bullshit.

There's no options.

No, I don't know.

I disagree.

They know, they understand.

I absolutely sign up to this stuff.

Why do you agree with it?

Because well, for a start, they're good.

The guys that come to us, they're good.

I trust them.

However, often they come.

I've got no idea they just come, but when they come,

it is the right time.

Then, Mike, you're being completely fleeced.

I'm not being fleeced.

I can see out of my windows.

And you're doing the male thing, I think.

Which I do.

I mean, I sometimes get into this relationship with people, which is I'm being fleeced, but if I pretend I'm not being fleeced, I can sort of save face to myself and to my loved ones.

And also, I don't have to go through the embarrassment of telling the person that they're fleeing them or saying no

because it's like the geordi men who sell fish door to door have we talked about those

have every how either of you come across this no one has ever so try to sell me a fish at the door i actually do have a vague memory of being a child and my mum talking to these guys at the door and it's happened to my mother before so this has happened to me before which is you're having a normal day the doorbell goes you open the door and there's an incredibly charming geordi man going I've got lords and laws of hake.

And he's also Welsh, is he?

He's educated in Wales.

I've got Haddock,

I've got Salmon, I've got,

and

it's just me and Mapal, and we're in the van, Love, and we can give you incredible deals on mackerel, on cod.

I think the idea is that they've driven down that morning from the port side, right, with all the fresh fish.

If you're, I don't know if it's just mothers, but i think i think they do target mothers because happened to my mother ben happened to your mother that hasn't happened to mike mica's into mother i think they target mothers and they've got this way about them they're a bit like a character from a fairy tale frankly

i mean i don't want to rumple fish skin they're a bit rumple fish skin because whatever like your mum is always she'll be rosy cheeked she'll be like oh what are you talking about him he's a charming man it's just him and his pal and they've had a crazy night hours i'm not entirely sure what what's happened but they've ended up with thousands of fish in the back of the ban it's happened to anyone and they just need a bit of a hand you know moving these fish on and they they just suck you into their web of stuff see so the only solution unfortunately is to be is to be incredibly rude or buy a whole salmon oh yeah a huge amount of fish wait because what happens is they go and you're like hang on a minute i've got like an industrial amount of fish suddenly clogging up my haul why has this happened and i spent 300 pounds i spent 300 pounds so you've got to be careful with these people this is a good email topic have you fallen victim to a pushy geordie fish salesman?

Do email in.

Yeah, do email in.

But when you say you've got to be careful with these people,

I don't put the window cleaning team in

the VP.

It's not being in the same bracket.

No.

It sounds like it's properly romanced to you, this

window cleaning team.

Also, do you think that

when people go past Mike's house and the windows are obviously so clean and transparent and shiny, that will attract a Geordie fish manga, right?

Because they'll see you as a model.

They'll see the light glinting.

Yeah.

Oh, there's another chump down the road

wait i reckon we and

you know what with this guy

i reckon with this guy we don't even sell him an actual salmon right what we do is instead

it's like all of the british isles's accents at once i tell you what you know that my niece does the art drawing right I'm gonna get Menice, fuck, I won't even bother to get out of the way, I'm gonna draw a picture of a fucking salmon on a bit of paper, right, mom?

I'm going to tell him it's like a new super 2D salmon they've been evolving.

See if I trump will buy it

if anyone can geographically pinpoint exactly where Henry's last

little

ejaculation came from.

Please get in touch.

You know what?

With chumps of that scale, I almost feel a little bit bad about what we're doing.

But not really.

Not when I see that stupid smile on his face

with his tongue hung on an old tone end.

Your provincial accents often have quite a high register as well.

Your vocal range is extraordinary.

It's like a ground piano or Mayacari.

I've got exceptional range.

There's absolutely no doubt about it.

I tell you, I really share it in my evil Geordie laugh.

I tell you what we might do with all this money we made from this guy is actually buy some actual fish for once.

I've never actually tried it.

Can he try and do a sort of basey, Geordie?

Or is that impossible?

Why are you the hellier talking about money?

That'll be their boss.

You've gone too far with this lad.

You sold him a big biro and told him it was a new kind of prawn.

You've gone too far, lads.

The thing is, it sounds like Mike is happy with his window cleaning regime.

And so he's not being fleeced, is he?

He's just paying a price that he's willing to pay for a service that he's happy with.

I think if you're agreeing to every eight weeks, you're being fleeced.

And also, I think if you're buying fish off an uncredited Geordie from door to door

that doesn't have a fish license,

doesn't have a fisherman's beard.

We're back to the uncredited Geordie argument.

Every debate.

Every single debate.

Eventually, come back to the Geordie army.

I'm going to go back to uncredited Geordie with a bag full of fish.

That's made me ham.

Ham is very slightly cheaper than fish, and that's the margin.

It's begun to smell of fish.

So he's selling it as fish.

And you could argue that the pigs are pigs are tuners of the land, couldn't you?

People do.

What I'd say for the Geordie fish, just a little bit of advice.

If you do get the Geordie fishmonger, this is a separate area.

Okay.

My advice is, even if it feels rude, do not engage with the Geordie fishmonger.

Do not engage.

Because as soon as you look into those Geordie eyes and you hear that lovely Geordie lilt,

I've got sardines morning.

Yeah,

you get this so fucking charming.

You get sucked in.

So, so I've seen this happen to people, and I come into the hall and I go, close the door.

We don't like fish.

Don't look into his Geordie eyes, it's too late.

Take her, take her.

She's lost to us now.

All right, let's turn on the beam machine.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

This week's topic is sent in by Joe from York.

Hello, Joe, thank you.

Home to the AutoC Viking Center, which does not give out a pom-petu discount, though people have tried,

is Budget Airlines.

This is an announcement to all travellers on the Beams Airlines flight to Luke Corn Banto International.

Boarding is now open at gate 23.

Please make your way to the gate for a smooth and timely departure.

Thank you.

Once I went to Toronto,

or we were came back from Toronto, and it was purely just book the cheapest one that exists.

So we didn't think about it.

You just go, there's a list of them on the travel thing.

It compares all the prices.

And we just clicked on it, bought it.

And it was weirdly cheap.

And it turns out that it was a new company that had just started, fresh out of Latvia.

I can't remember what they were called.

But basically,

almost as soon as they started trading, they became insolvent like within about two weeks.

Oh, wow.

There's a period where this was happening, I think, quite a lot, wasn't it?

So, we were in Canada and we got an email being like, sorry, so-and-so airlines doesn't exist anymore.

We literally launched two weeks ago.

What's going on?

The worst is when that happens mid-flight, which does happen.

It just disappears from under you.

Yeah, we're going to have to power it down, I'm afraid, because none of us work for the airline anymore.

The pilot, we could try and re-employ the pilot as a freelance now, but the paperwork's going to take about three days.

He's not actually allowed to fly it anymore.

Cough up your lamb.

Everyone, cough up your lamb.

That lamb belongs to us.

We're going to use that lamb.

Where does it give that lamb to our creditors?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, that lamb doesn't belong to that lamb belongs to Omnibank.

It's Omnibank's lamb.

Cough it up.

Forget everything that happened in Marley and me.

If you watch Marley and me, forget it.

That experience belongs to Omnibank.

So their thing was: the company doesn't exist anymore, but we have, there is some sort of you have some statutory rights to be conveyed from Toronto to London

in the hog transport.

Back of an ass,

Canada to Europe hog transport

the good thing about that it's been in place for over 200 years

you'll be driven across the sea by an angry swine herd

and a ball that has been forced to learn to swim across the Atlantic

so anyway this this company sort of ceased to exist but did still exist in some form.

I fully don't know the legal framework that we were entered into.

They gave us two options.

It was like, you can either have your money back or we can transport you back to Britain.

But because it had been so cheap, the flight, it was like 240 quid to go from Toronto to London.

And that's a return.

If we got the money back, we wouldn't be able to afford, we couldn't use that to buy a new flight.

We'd have to put more money in.

Yeah.

So we were like, well, no, we'll just take the, you will be transported.

Transport from Canada to Britain is worth more than 240 quid.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Unless you're canned.

Yeah.

Unless you're canned or dehydrated or dehydrated, if you're powdered.

Canned or powdered.

Or if you've been heckled or bill-tonged.

Right.

If you're in a bill-tonged state, because 90% of the human body is water or that.

And then vacuum-packed.

And then vacuum-packed.

Yeah, and also the skin is the biggest organ in the body that gets whipped off.

90% of you've water.

The head weighs a sixth of the body, the head's not involved.

So there's almost nothing left when you build-tongue someone, except for lovely, lovely bill-tong,

which you can post over,

isn't it?

So, but it's tricky.

I remember the whole thing with this company was that they were able to, when they were running, they were able to run the kind of planes that budget airlines use on a short-haul flight all the way to North America, which you're not really normally meant to do because it's too far.

So the kind of small plane you'd get to go to, I don't know, Italy or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Were they going against the Earth's rotation?

Because Because obviously that takes off.

Interesting.

This is why you need someone like Henry involved in the repatriation process to work out whether or not you need to be slingshotted.

Yeah, you need a consultant in this situation.

In the opposite direction.

Sometimes it's quicker to just head north and use the magnet.

Use the big magnet.

Use the big magnet on the North Pole.

To slingshot you around.

Yeah.

So got there.

So just collect as many pots and pans as you can.

They're going to be quite cheap.

If you want a nice one, you want to get yourself a nice one anyway, get a nice one but get as many pots and pans as you can walk to the north pole strap them to your body wrap them in copper yeah

wrap them in copper wiring that is expensive you can steal that from a church or steal that from a church

get yourself up to the north pole no

in all seriousness if you walk straight up to the north pole

um

so then that's essentially this

How do you show this diagram?

Audio medium.

Not great podcasting.

Audio medium.

So you go straight up to the North Pole, wait for the air to rotate till you're facing your destination, then you just walk straight down again.

Using the world as a sort of slide.

Do you have to hover then while it's going around?

Yeah, well, jump up and down.

You just jump up.

Why don't you just turn your body?

Why do you just turn around?

On the North Pole, you want to fucking set the Earth off its orbit, mate.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah, thanks for that.

Yeah, you can't be doing that.

You need to think of yourself as like a ballerina in a little sort of music box.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you jump and then it rotates.

Or walk around it and yeah, oh, what has happened over Fortnite now?

It takes three days.

Why is that?

It's because Ben Partridge went to the North Pole and started walking around.

See you next Friday.

Next Friday is now last Thursday.

It's very happy.

Do you remember?

We slagged off Ben for ruining everything.

Oh, yeah.

So you walk around, and then obviously that creates what's known as a bulbous triangle.

Stop referring to the diagram.

Then, effectively, Pythagoras gets you home.

Okay.

So, I'm a consultant, you can talk to in these situations.

So, that is one option.

Yeah.

Anyway, so the plane we were, I remember this quite vividly.

The plane we were meant to get home was called the Boeing A321 NEO, I think it was called.

Yeah.

A332.

I mean, every element of that, A, the letter A, the 321, the Neo, it all very much sounds like it's either a prototype or a Lego model.

Yeah, also, the A321 is clearly a road, which isn't very encouraging.

Actually, the A stands for Airbus, so it's not Boeing.

Okay.

It was the Airbus 321 Neo.

Yeah.

We've got the bus bit covered.

It's airing it that we're worrying about.

Okay.

Neo.

The idea of this plane was it was a small plane that you'd normally get in a budget airline, but because it had extra fuel in it, it could go a bit further.

It was a bit more unregulated.

No.

it was a bit more like efficient so you could go further in it and was this talk were you aware of this when you bought the tickets yes because then we on their website they were making a big deal they bought two airbus 321 nears but that had bankrupted the company which had just started right so that you were aware of this when you bought the tickets i was aware of the plane if they made a big deal i'm sorry ben if i'm buying air tickets to go somewhere yeah and the website is talking to me about the amount of petrol needed and that we've worked out a kind of and that it will be fine

I don't it should almost certainly, yes, normally these just go to Naples and really no further, and even then they have to refuel in Marseille, but it's we really think we really have done the sums, and as long as a prevailing wind, well, admittedly, that's normally if it's in the right direction with the rotation of the earth, it's you think it's going to be okay.

These things tend to average out over the course of a year.

We have found a pilot who's willing to give it a go, yeah, exactly.

And also, we wouldn't say this lightly, don't worry, we've put this in, we've put it in the biggest font that we could, could, well,

we haven't actually bought the font, so it's cheaper.

We make our own fonts.

But we do not say this lightly.

Don't worry.

And the other thing we don't do lightly is fly.

We fly heavy because we put extra petrol on.

But don't worry about that either.

Also.

Yeah, if you can bring a jerry can full of petrol,

you can get on half price.

Yeah.

And you can meet the pilot.

You're not actually allowed to meet the pilot because there's a restraining order on him.

You're not allowed to meet people.

But that's a completely different crime segment from aviation crime.

He's caged.

He's completely caged.

There's nothing to worry about.

He then has a parole officer who he directs to press the buttons.

And when he wants, they're not strictly buttons, are they?

They're a sort of more rudimentary pulleys, isn't it?

We couldn't afford buttons.

But buttons are just surface, isn't it?

It's not the buttons that matter on a laptop, for example.

It's what goes on underneath the buttons, isn't it?

The buttons are just an interface.

And we've saved money on things like interface.

And we're sharing that saving with you.

Instead, we've got bicycle gears.

We've got bicycle gears also a dynamo which provides um a reading like

a co-pilot

because he gets quite bored of the whole thing because he doesn't know what he's doing so he's he's um trained

also we can't afford films but we do have an amdram production of coriolanus

to be fair that bit is actually true they didn't have films on it that's how they really yeah yeah ben if if if i'm thinking about aerodynamics, physics, I don't want to be buying from that person to buy my plane ticket.

I don't want to, like, you know, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

I don't want to be thinking about the fact that most planes actually are suckers and those idiots like British Airways.

If, if the weight of the data of Marley and me is going to tip it over the edge,

so it can't make it.

The USB stick with Marley and me on it was not getting on that plane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We've only got two rules.

The second one is enjoy yourself.

And the first one is you must have a shit before getting on the plane.

Everyone Everyone has to.

I can't emphasise that enough.

You absolutely have to.

Oh, God.

Please be advised that family members without boarding passes do not qualify as hand luggage and must be checked in.

Thank you.

So then, when we were in Canada, we became aware of the fact that I think actually what had happened was these planes that they'd bought hadn't even turned up.

So they'd never got to use them because there was a delay in getting them.

And that's why they went under because they didn't have any planes or something.

I suppose the only way to get the planes there would be by flying them there.

And they can't go that far.

They can't go that far.

And they bought the planes from an uncredited Geordie.

They well have done.

Do not trust door-to-door Geordie.

Aviation salesman.

Aviation salesman.

Anyway, so when we were, we had this flight book to go home then, and they said, okay, we're going to honor the flight somehow, and it's going to be from this airport at this time.

And then, I can't remember quite how, but we became aware of people complaining online about the fact that the plane that they were going back on was like a bad plane.

And so, I looked into this.

There's websites where you can check what plane you're going to be in for your flight in advance because they have to register them.

And it's and it's form

like a racing horse.

Well, sort of, because this one

was built in 1972,

it was a post-plane.

Oh, wow.

Oh, so okay, you don't mean it wasn't a plane anymore.

You mean it was a.

It was a mail plane.

It was a mail plane.

And it was used for, get this, transporting mail,

also sometimes transporting prisoners like Conair.

And it was like, it had formerly been an American Airlines plane, but because it had got too old, it was now being used for these like sort of rudimentary crap

flights.

And I also managed to learn that recently it had done a thing called, I think it's called a heel strike, which is when the back of the plane hits the runway as it takes off.

This was all available online.

This is a heel strike, I think it's called.

Yeah, because there's all these like nerdy plane people who like plane, like train spotters for planes, and they sort of like follow these planes around and know what they do.

This certainly doesn't sound like a plane that's ever been across the Atlantic.

Right?

This has delivered some birthday cards and some murderers to the Yukon.

And that's...

Also, a birthday card can take a lot more jiggling about than a human being in terms of like how rough that writer is going to be.

Yeah, and the temperatures that it can survive at and the level of oxygen.

It can survive in really low temperatures paper, can't it?

That's one of the reasons that paper is a better medium of transport for written messages than a human face.

Isn't it?

Just one of them.

Just one of them.

Also, I'm picturing this is the kind of plane which has one of those the way you get on is at the back, there's a huge ramp that lowers down at the back.

So a tank can go on.

So a tank can go on.

And quite often there'll be a hugely muscly guy having a fight with Tom Cruise on it.

And one of them will flap off the edge and sort of hang on and get

some sort of cargo net that's draping off the car.

The one will get entrapped in a cargo net.

And there'll be a point where

Tom Cruise just goes off the edge.

He's done.

The big, fat bull guy goes to have a little peek over the edge.

What's happened?

He's not done.

Tom Cruise is still hanging on by

the net, grabs him by the ankles and

yanks him off.

Tables have turned.

But I suppose that's kind of your in-flight movie, isn't it?

Is watching that.

And you're all strapped in at the sides,

just screaming for the whole journey.

That sounds really horrible.

You can probably picture this plane because this is the thing that really concerned me, or brought home how old this plane was.

It wasn't white.

You know how all planes are white, essentially?

This one was like metallic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like when it's silver-coloured?

Lovely.

Yeah.

That's like World War II bomber or something.

Yeah.

So I was, are we, I mean, my partner were really sort of like, do we want to get on this ropey old plane?

Like, this isn't bad.

The access to ashtrays is superb, but

you're allowed to, you're allowed to light a fire on it

for warmth.

In fact, you have to light a fire on it or you'll die.

Halfway through the flight, the pilot will be reading out part of the novelization of Star Skin Hutch.

Enjoy.

So we were really worried and a bit like, should we book another flight?

But they wouldn't put us on a plane where we were were all going to die.

You know, all this kind of stuff.

And then actually, the ending of the story is, again, opaque.

I can't quite remember what happened, but the company then came back to life

and the Neo A321 Neo was delivered and we went in it and it was fantastic.

So hang on.

Did you have to fly back to Canada though in order to benefit from that?

No, while we were in Canada, we thought we were getting in this rope plane.

And then suddenly...

the business like found the financing it needed to re-exist it relaunched i think with a new name but it was the same plane.

For me, that's still not exactly like a really booming high-five.

But compared to going on the mailbox,

yes, the company that we're going to entrust our lives with kind of died in a way,

just, just survived.

Yeah.

Let's entrust our lives to that company that nearly massively fucked up and completely miscalculated its entire business model and bankruptcy and it was relocated to a different territory

under a new name.

Probably it's just really bad at managing business models, where it's actually a plane, which is basically petrol,

wings,

air pressures.

And the cheapest pilots available.

They'll be fine at that, probably.

Put it this way, if the business just about survived, then hopefully we'll just about make it over to the Atlantic.

Yeah.

Please note that the duty-free labyrinth is currently closed because it is feeding time for the tax minotaur.

Thank you.

We have an airline pilot listen, don't we?

Because he told us about the time that he ate a three-bean chili whilst driving a plane and was overcome by the spiciness of the meal.

And we also have Jez the pilot who I met in Munich.

Ah, yes.

Who does he fly for?

Did he say?

But I don't know what airline Jez works for.

I have no idea.

What vibe did he give off?

You can normally tell from the vibe of the, you know, was he giving off sort of BA vibes?

Was he giving off Lufthansa vibes?

He cut a nice dash.

Okay.

No, he was a nice looking fellow and he was charming and we had a nice chat.

I'm sure Jez could have taken his his pick.

Oh, yeah, valedictorium at the academy.

I like it when you go to a hotel somewhere and you get in the lift, and then some pilots get in because they're staying there and they're wearing their full uniform and their hat and stuff.

They're all dressed up.

Yeah, it is quite cool, isn't it?

Why do they leave it all on?

That's what I don't understand.

You would, wouldn't you, if you had a hat like that?

Just because you can walk into anywhere in town.

Exactly.

Give me the best table.

Triple-A.

Yeah.

I don't know if that's true.

I've got a feeling pilot has become less sexy, hasn't it, since the 60s as a career, gradually?

I think so.

Well, people in the old days used to dress up in a suit to get a flight and stuff, didn't they?

It was like going to the opera.

Yes, that was the big tip.

I seem to remember, yeah, growing up.

That was the hot tip

if you want to get an upgrade.

Oh, really?

You go in a suit.

Really?

Urban myth, I think.

I don't know if that's true.

There was a period of budget airlines, wasn't it?

There was a kind of heyday.

There was that the EasyJet guy.

What was he called again?

Oh, the Greek guy, yeah.

The Greek guy.

He was a huge figure.

He was, yeah.

You'd never see him these days.

No, but there was a big period of airlines with names like bang, waz, wing bong,

blam, bloop, remember, which is quite which is sort of not what you want from.

And you could fly to Cork for 75p, yeah, yes, on waba dash, yeah.

I once flew to Milan for 99p, I think.

On boing!

Oh, yeah, we're flying.

I actually got a great deal on.

There was a boom of those kind of things.

Yeah.

Fly baby, BMI Baby.

Do you remember BMI Baby?

Which is a name based on the song Be My Baby, right?

I mean,

was it a pun on Be My Baby?

I don't know.

Body Mass Index.

Body Mass Index, baby.

Was that the trip was that?

Well, it was Britain.

Was it British Midland?

I can't remember.

I've got, for some reason, I've got it in my mind that

EasyJet is a tiny little bit.

Oh, it's above.

a cut above it's a cut above

ryanair so i'm a bit like oh i'll spoil myself with some easy easy jet i i think of easy jet as being quite posh it's quite posh it is it's basically the posh one of budget airlines isn't it yeah it's good easy jet um ryanair ryanair is like getting a mega bus but it flies there's something about ryanair that is it really

it it um it sucks fun and glamour out of the idea of a holiday it also also traveling no offense to anyone but traveling via luton airport does the same i've been in louton airport i'm actually just not even bother with this fucking

Let's just go home, just write the whole thing off.

It's already ruined.

It's already ruined.

It really takes the wind out of your sails going by Luton anyway for your holiday.

I mean, we've got to be careful slagging off Luton because Mike is kind of a son of Luton.

You've got Luton in your past, right?

Have you?

My dad grew up there.

I still have an aunt who lives there.

I think that means we're allowed to slag gluten off, actually.

Christmases in Luton.

I think you seem to be a bit careful, Henry.

You know, it means a lot to Mike, that place.

I'm going to say it, Luton is almost sub-Derby.

Oh, my God.

Never been to Derby.

I have nothing against Derby.

Sorry.

It's just a running joke.

But you have been to Luton.

Do you think it's bad?

Luton is bad.

But have you been beyond the airport?

Have you enjoyed the delights of Luton itself?

Downtown Luton.

Downtown.

Everyone wants to die.

Downtown.

Look at the dead look in their eyes.

Downtown.

Lots of places to buy vapes.

The Nila is one of the vapes you can buy.

Strawberry is another favourite vape you can buy.

Kum Quat is not actually currently available in Luton

vape shops.

This is an announcement to all passengers waiting to board at gate 23 for the Beans Airlines flight to Lukeborn Banto International.

Unfortunately, this flight has been delayed as the pilot was catfished.

It turns out that he isn't, in fact, in a long-running relationship with Bonnie Tyler.

So, sorry to him, and sorry to all passengers who will have to wait for him to stop crying.

Thank you.

Right, time to read your emails.

Let's do it, please.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

Like a robot chewing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

You can email us at threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

A few people emailed us on similar topics this week.

In general, the vibe is that me and Mike deserve a wee bollocking.

Ah,

nice.

For calling into question the idea that no one else remembers the McDonald's advert that Henry sang us last week.

Cheese, pickled onion, a sesame seed burn.

A lot of people were like, yeah, yeah, that's that's famous, apparently.

Yeah, that was massive.

Well, well, so I'll accept that bollock.

Yeah, okay, absolutely.

Do we have a did there?

Was there any demographic data, Benjamin?

I think it's the older listeners, the more mature.

Oh, fuck it.

Two all beef bollocks right into your feet.

So anyway, that's the Bollocking accepted from me.

Bollocking accepted.

Bollocking accepted.

But Henry's not spared of the the bollock.

This is from David.

Next time he sings that jingle, the McDonald's jingle, stop him when he gets to the pickled onion part and ask him: since when does a Big Mac contain a pickled onion?

That's a great question.

So can you sing it for us again?

To R.

B.

Paddy, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickled onion in a sesame seed.

That game is like a knockoff McDonald's where they put a pickled onion in it.

Maybe like, is this a knockoff McDonald's?

And then she'd start singing like a siren.

Who are beaten?

Pickled onion in a session, man.

The portion of Belgian fries.

Oh, no, I think it's pickles.

It's pickles.

Yes, good.

Well done.

Yeah, very good point.

Mind you, pickled onion in a burger, would that work?

Would be nice, wouldn't it?

A sliced pickled onion.

Yeah.

I love pickled onions.

I eat them raw.

I raw dog pickled onions sometimes.

Great.

Can I just a little sub note there?

I think we're misusing the term raw dog a bit.

And

it's coming up quite frequently.

Oh, no.

It's changed.

What?

It's changed.

We've talked about it in transportation.

Has it changed?

Rawdog used to mean unprotected sex.

Yes.

Right.

So it has changed.

But people now use it to mean sort of doing something without the accoutrements.

Yeah, but no, you're right.

It's a sort of troubling.

I'm sorry to phrase it.

But it has been.

So I've just missed the memo about the repurposing.

That hasn't reached

Exodus.

I think it is quite new, though.

It's like like a Gen Z thing.

Is it okay?

They all talk about raw dogging things, and they don't mean fucking a jar of pickled onions

without protection.

I'm happy for us to stop saying it if you make someone coming.

No, no, no, I just it felt it felt worth clarifying.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

I think that was worth doing, definitely.

So, Christian from Purton, Australia

writes, Hello, beans.

Knowing your collective interest in both random bits of trivia and the future nozzle-based society to which we're all heading,

I thought I'd send you this bit of dystopian horror.

Aboard His Majesty's £6 billion aircraft carriers, the Defenders of the Realm, his salty Jack Tar sailors are served their breakfast by Scrag.

What?

What the heck is that?

And he sent us a picture of Scrag.

Scragg.

Scrag is an egg-scrambling droid bot.

Oh my god, no.

Scrag.

Now you should be able to see an image of that now.

Oh my word.

God, what's served in hot cups of scrambled eggs?

So can you explain what it looks like?

It looks like a coffee machine for egg.

It looks like a coffee machine and it's paper cups.

It's your classic Costa style paper cup, but with steaming hot egg in it.

Is that supposed to be

someone who's in the Navy?

He's wearing a Czech shirt and he's next to like a little basket full of bagels and like

seated bums.

Maybe that's the aircraft carrier uniform.

On the H of S Prince of Wales.

They've not even tried to not make it sound dystopian.

Do you know what I mean?

Scrag.

It's spelt C-R-A-E-G-G.

So that's scrambled and egg mashed together to create a word.

Why don't we just call it Skrag?

Yeah.

Why keep in the A?

Scrag.

Skrag.

Skrag.

Skrag.

That's so dystopian.

Yes, it's Skreg, the egg scrambling droid bot.

I've attached a picture of the monstrosity, and having served as an officer on HMS Queen Elizabeth,

I can tell you that the produce is exactly as disgusting as you'd imagine.

It's pretty the full chicken who's trapped in that.

Poor thing.

That's a Victoria Cross that chicken should be getting

for that work, but they'll probably never be honoured.

I never want to eat a coffee cup full of

a hot cup of steaming Scrag.

Scrag.

Scrag.

Scrag.

It's absolutely it.

And that name, it sounds like a sort of fairy tale monster, doesn't it?

From like a Nordic folk story.

Scrag, we'll come and get you.

Scrag.

Welcome to our village, but don't stray out at night, because you shall meet the scrag.

And the screg will scramble you and put you in a hot cup.

Thank you, Christian.

That is horrifying.

Really, really heinous.

But good to know that Her Majesty's

His Majesty's Navy, I should say, sorry.

Obviously, they march on their stomachs and they're getting a good cup of hot egg in the morning.

That's the thing.

I don't think, yeah, if you go for the ship life, I don't think you imagine the catering is going to be like

Michelin starred, right?

But no.

Come on, we can try a bit harder than that

for the boys and girls of the

Royal Navy.

Oh, man.

Marcus emails.

Hello, Beans.

Henry's recent rendition of a McDonald's jingle, which only he seemed to have heard, reminded me that I seem to be the only person who can remember McDonald's briefly selling hot dogs in the UK

and the McDonald's hot dog advert jingle.

I'm emailing in the hope that perhaps Henry could validate my memory or confirm that I am insane.

Thank you to the postmasters that came before, Marcus.

I've got no memory of this at all.

Why must have happened?

It feels like there's a kind of, there are certain sort of sacred areas that McDonald's, I don't know, it feels like there's almost like a law that they don't go in, they don't mess with that, with hot dogs.

I don't know.

Or was this nationwide?

Or was this, was this sort of, where's Marcus from?

Was it piloted wherever Marcus?

Marcus hasn't told us where he's from.

He's just.

Okay.

So maybe they're just trying out in Worcester on a rainy weekend and no one talks about it.

I'd be interested to try one because it's interesting.

What McDonald's always does is

it takes a product and makes a version of it which isn't

like any you know which isn't like any other version of that food type so like the monolesburger it isn't a burger i don't know what it is i like it i like it every now and then but it's it's not a burger i mean i don't know what it is it's not a burger a burger is two old beef patties

sauce lettuce cheese a pickled onion

no but but you know like a big mac like You can't imagine any of those components being sort of sourced separately, then put together to create it.

You know what what I mean?

Like you get a normal burger is, oh, there's some buns, there's some meat, they put some lettuce in, this has happened, there's an onion.

Like a Big Mac is just this thing that, you know, and their fries are the same.

They're quite, they're almost like abstracted from reality.

They're a bit platonic almost.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like kind of, it's not really.

You could never make a Big Mac at home.

You could never fucking make a Big Mac at home.

And the closest I've ever got to that was I once bought a Big Mac, took it home.

It had gone cold.

I didn't have a microwave at the time.

So I put it in the oven.

And it disappeared.

It disappeared.

And then I looked at photographs of myself as a child, and I was holding it.

It had traveled into my past

and made decisions about my future.

It's a safest place to hide its secrets.

No, but

it created the worst smell.

A smell I can't describe to this day.

Never put a Big Mac in the oven because it was intersecting with real cooking implements.

I think you could probably microwave it.

Don't put it in an oven, dip it in a toaster.

It's not that kind of heat, is it?

It doesn't take that kind of heat.

It's some kind of.

It's not temperature heat.

It's molecular heat

that creates a Big Mac.

So what I'm saying is, because also their fries don't really have a relationship with the potato.

Do you mean it's all abstracted?

Yeah, are you with me?

I do know.

I know.

Take a potato and try and make what those things are of a potato.

Good luck.

So what they would have done with a hot dog, I'd be interested, because

what we know for sure is it wouldn't have any relationship with a hot dog.

As we know, it would be this new category that I've created.

I know what you mean.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Skrag.

Marcus, your Skrag is in the post.

Every correspondent this week gets a Skrag.

And is that a Skrag machine or a Scragg?

A cup of Skrag?

A hot cup of Skrag.

A dangerously hot cup of Skrag.

Yeah, you'll get a drive-by cup of Skrag.

It'll come past your house at some point in the next week.

Yeah.

Hopefully just before the window cleaner comes.

And it'd be hard to know how many eggs are in any given Skrag because there's so much egg intermingling isn't there and this is maybe your house has been scragged

then maybe my house has been scragged you might be in a scrag testing zone yeah you could be in a scregloo you could be in a protein-rich scrigloo

um you know worrying about a screg is that obviously any machine will eventually learn love it'll fall in love with um a seaman or a sea woman yeah they'll have an affair but it'll have to it'll only be able to express love through the medium of hot of hot hot egg yeah or so hot egg spraying it'll just be spraying hot egg

on your face because that's the only way it can express love while it's trying to say his vows.

Yeah.

Exactly.

It's quite hard to tell the difference between love and, for example, anger from a Screg, isn't it?

It is.

Because anger will similarly be hot.

I think anger will be slightly hotter egg.

Right, okay.

Love will probably be slightly runnier, slightly runnier.

Love will be a bit runnier.

What are the other emotions?

Fear.

Fear will be brown Scregg.

Oh, God.

Imagine going there for breakfast and the Screg comes out brown.

Oh, it's every man to a station at that point, isn't it?

It's battle stations.

Awesome.

But imagine you come to the Scregg machine, you wake up next to Scregg machine, there's someone else's lipstick on its nozzle.

You've been Scregging directly into the mouth of my best friend.

You've got to imagine, haven't you, that when they announced Top Gun Maverick, which, of course, is partly set on

an aircraft carrier, that the Scregg Corporation must have tried to put a lot of money into getting Scregg.

featured in the movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, because they only got as far as implicit Screggs.

I mean, we knew that there were Screggs going on.

You could tell that Scregg was happening.

They're obviously, I mean, all of those pilots were full of Scregg, because you could tell.

Yeah, yeah.

They probably had a mini Scregg on their jets, I expected

for the long haul flights.

But they also, because they all had the Scregg sweats, didn't they?

There's a slightly kind of unique, regardless of the temperature outside.

It is

slightly constant.

And there's a kind of glassy-eyed look as well you get after a big cup of Scregg.

You could see that on their face.

And of course, all your teeth fall out.

So there's a few little signs.

Well, that's why a lot of them fly alone, isn't it?

Because of the old Screg guffs.

Yeah,

kind of a coffee pilot.

Not nice.

That's why you can never put a Skreg machine on a submarine.

That's what they say, isn't it?

Exactly, no.

No, this is surface fleet only, guys.

But it's because the pressure changes so much when you go down that the valves would it would it would completely screg the entire the entire in inside well the entire ocean potentially

you'd screg the sea the entire sea would be a huge scrambled screg

which obviously the sea life will love for a bit but then

change wise we're then in the screg age aren't we

in the screg age and then the fact that you married a screg machine may mean people aren't laughing at you quite so much still laughing at you quite a lot though

because you're married to a screg machine but the wedding it'd be a good wedding wouldn't it because you'd have the screg the screg machine and then all their relatives which would be ancestrally machines that have led to the screg so toasters microwaves gatling guns on one side of the aisle.

One side of the aisle.

On the other side of the aisle, your horrified family.

And

the ones that haven't disowned you.

But the Scragg speeches as well.

What would that be like?

Again, if you're just shooting a hot egg over the

congregation.

It's just a sort of

moving speech from a milking machine or something.

Yeah.

The father of the Scragg would be crying.

Crying tears of Scrag.

Crying of Scrag tears.

From its nozzle.

Then there'd be the brother of the Scragg with some ribbled stories about how in the old days they used to.

They're going a bit too far.

Yeah.

They used to go to strip bars.

His grandma doesn't want to hear any of this.

His grandmother, the toaster, she's turned herself up to 11.

She's so hot angry.

She's got a hot, she's got all hot and angry.

The toaster.

But, of course, a lot of those young able-bodied seamen and sea women who are there, the friends, they're hoping that they think it's a good chance to get your

fuck a soda stream.

It's a good chance, you're right.

Finally, email from Nick in Buckinghamshire.

Dear Beans,

hi, Nick.

This is a bollocking for Henry.

Oh, hmm.

Shame.

I say, I didn't normally do this.

Bollock back.

If you'll bollock me, then I'll bollock you.

Bollock back.

So who are you bollocking?

Nick?

Or Buckinghamshire?

No, I'm taking a bloody risk.

I'm putting everything on the line here.

Okay.

I'm bollocking back already.

Whoa.

Bring it on.

What's the basis of your brain?

I've already committed to the bollock back.

There's nothing I can do now.

I can't reverse the process.

The bollock back has begun.

Okay, well, let's hear his bollock and then you have to bollock him back, okay?

You might be bollock rupt by the end of this.

I might be completely bollock rupt.

I'm going to be borrowing bollocks off you, you guys, just to keep myself afloat.

So Nick says, I was just enjoying the Luke One Banter seamlessly interweaving multi-genitalian alien bar drinkers and the Civil War.

Sorry.

That was a couple of weeks ago.

However, Henry referred to the said alien, I think we call it an alien brothel actually,

as being in the future.

Whereas any vaguely sentient organism would know that the Star Wars story opens very clearly as being set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Thank God I'm safe.

I thought I was worried for a minute there.

Yeah, it was set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

But on whose terms?

On that galaxy's term?

does that galaxy's lifespan coincide with ours so that a long time ago there is a long time ago here i doubt it it's a long time ago in that galaxy different galaxies are different time spans different time different time schedules okay thank you so move on to the um

the bit where we do the song at the end thank you but now you have to no song at the end thank you

no well but okay you've reflected that bollock that's fine i'm on your side for that one but you know you did promise that you'd now bollock nick so you have to now bollock nick oh did i yeah you said you'd bollock okay your DIY show is shit, mate.

You imagine it's Nick Knowles.

Let's just assume that he's got a YouTube channel with a DIY show.

It's that and that.

I'm dependent.

I mean, it's plausible.

Nick from Buckingham's show.

I mean, it's

got all the hallmarks of a DIY YouTuber.

I'm taking, I'm, I'm throwing, I'm throwing the dice on that being Nick Knowles.

You're already doing some big gambling, aren't you?

Yeah, wow.

For those who don't know, Nick Knowles is Britain's premier television presenter.

Yeah, he's national treasure, national treasure, and DIY expert.

It's time

to pay the ferry man

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Patreon.com forward slash free bean salad is the place to go.

There are various tiers you can sign up at.

You can get our bonus episodes, which include our film review episodes.

I've recently edited the most recent one.

We didn't do a great job of explaining the films we were talking about.

That's true.

That's not what it's about.

That's not what it's about, though.

So if you want to listen to three men talk about a film, but you don't know what the film is

Yeah,

then I would probably check it off into NE

because there's something very wrong with you anyway.

It's all good fun.

There are different tiers you can sign up at and if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You were there all last week, couldn't you?

Oh the whole week this time, yeah.

Yeah, because well they were they were putting in

they were installing a new obscene ceiling, weren't they?

They were.

Thank you Henry.

And here's my report.

It was installing an obscene ceiling week last week at the Sean Bean Lounge.

To determine which ceiling would be rendered obscene, Joan Beek, Dan Hill, Ty Wilson, Louisa, Bruno Laudau, and Paula Robinson were given a 10-minute head start, and then Jack Nemeth, Rory, Caroline Knights, Devereux O'Brien, Alex Pitsolos, and Karen Graves and her dog Shadow went on the hunt armed with tranquilizer dart blowpipes and launcherable glue.

The room in which the last person was incapacitated would have its ceiling obscened with me as adjudicator, but not me, me, another me, as in someone else called me.

And And so it was that Bruno was tranquilized in the Sean Bean Library by Shadow with the canine adapted Beretta.

The library was, of course, originally founded by Vicky, Happy Bean birthday once again, Lee, consecrated by Colin Broadbent, desecrated by Dave McSudenim, refurbished by Lydia Smith, defurbished by Noah, subjected to dirty protest by Simon Norton, and used by Sam Hopkins to test patio cleaning equipment.

These noble souls formed the library committee who have gone on to fill the library with books that have been published by, about, or despite Sean Bean, plus one collection of baudy cartoons by Owen Anderson and Jimmy Jones.

These cartoons were used as inspiration for the design of the obscene ceiling.

For example, a scene depicting the International Monetary Fund's board of directors engaged in a Bacchanalian bareback barbecue was turned into a tasteless fresco by Tam Lines and Stephen Rhodes, using Matthew Gray, Cormac and Bristol, Adam Pope and Tobias Anderson as life models.

This was stuck to the ceiling by Patrick Flynn, using Luke, Hannah Holly and Ash Charmin as human blue-tack.

Ellie McTimaney and Charlie Toogood set about plastering over the rest of the previously only salacious ceiling, but were urged to also do this obscenely by Will Cooper, Bernadette Hickey, and Chris Hutchins Joss.

They were unsure how to proceed, so Lewis W., Ben Farrell, and Alex Hum demonstrated what they called plastering Vegas style on Alex Lee and Richard Lee Thomas or Lee Thomas, who both agreed afterwards that they'd never be able to look stucco in the eye again.

Rebecca Joy Smith, Christian Peacock, and Henry Johnston then opened an obscene confession inspiration circle, which they claimed was confidential but did record in order to harvest further material for the ceiling.

Anna Bishop, Ryan Chanter, Chris, and Alice all had eye-watering anecdotes from their gap years in Derby, while Danny McIntyre and Nickster's tales of a standard Wednesday in the eastern panhandle of West Virginia would have made a deep-sea erotic tickler blush.

Hausener, James, Jack Mowbray and Dave Troman's scatological offerings were just the right side of the line, as were suggestions by Ruth, Matthew Payne, Dave Boyle Saquera and Joe Brett, based on their knowledge of multi-protagonist Orifice Parkour.

Ewan West, Alex Walker, Sally Davies and Daniel South donned obscene plaster decorator costumes, homemade by Ben Price and Alastair Patrick, and with a nod to 1930s Berlin, and brought all of this to life on the ceiling with gypsum and paint.

Crossing the line and not having their ideas realised were Aled Morgan, Joe Simpkins, Kirsten Wood and Nick Fawsey, who broke NDAs to share unconfirmed obscene Sean Bean rumours.

They were all re-NDA'd by Eric Frieden, legally gagged by Rob Taylor, physically gagged by Kerry Moyles, encased in ice by Earl Hatchback, driven to Lille by Camilla Edwards, and stored in Jack Glover's Family Getaway Meat Locker by Alex Conway.

To add an obscene note to proceedings, the ceiling was guff-dried by Will Beckinsale and Alistair Block.

The ceiling was officially declared open by Alex Aitken, and then, alongside the library in its entirety, permanently closed by CeeLo for public health reasons, as a single glance at the finished product would render the viewer incapable of ever cultivating a fulfilling, carnal life.

Thanks all.

Okay, let's finish off the show with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you, and this is from Barney.

Thanks, Barney.

Barney writes, Hi, Beans.

I recently bought a sailboat.

Well, I know what you need to be installing on that sailboat, sailboat, Barney.

For your breakfast.

Escray.

Escray.

Escray.

I've recently bought a sailboat and I'm relatively new to the sailing scene.

I recorded this version of your bean theme a while ago when I made my first voyage around Scotland's west coast.

Wow.

I was tucked in a cozy little bay where, off to starboard, the sun gently set behind the diving gannets hunting for their last snack of the day.

Sounds lovely.

So, yeah, he's recorded this whilst on the boat.

Oh, lovely.

Thanks.

Wonderful.

Thank you very much indeed.

And thanks, everyone, for listening.

Thanks for listening.

Well, thank God for the optimistic call at the end because it was hauntingly lonely stuff before then, wasn't it?

He really needed a hot cup of Scrag there, didn't he?

He needed someone to ask him inside to their home and give him a cuddle and a warm cup of Scrag.

A warm Scrag.

Yeah.

Okay, looking after yourself, aren't you?

Yeah.

And with that, that's the end of the season.

Series, season, whatever we call them.

Yes, have a lovely break.

We'll be back in November, won't we, for the Christmas run-up?

No.

We're back in December.

For the Christmas run-up.

Yeah, we'll see you in December.

Bye, Trio.