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Before we started recording, Henry, you sort of trailed us.

You said, oh, I'll say that when we were recording.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was something huge in the offing.

Well, it was too hot for...

It's probably hard for the audience to imagine this kind of thing, but there are some anecdotes which I subject you to, which aren't actually good enough to get onto the um

it's hard to imagine that, isn't it?

But there's genuinely stuff that I think of as not podworthy.

A lot of people don't believe that, but there is, isn't there?

There's non-podworthy stuff, acres of chaff, acres of chaff,

and it really is only the creme de la de la de la wheat, it's the creme de la wheat,

isn't it, that gets that actually gets through.

Well, no, I was gonna say that

I think

that every human being has a relationship with

the

glossy sort of slime-filled orbs that are our eyes

No, nearly.

It's the glossy frogsborn

thin carapaced slime-filled orbs that are anally projected by our feathered friends, chickens and hens.

Well, let's stop you there, Henry, because let's remember that chickens and hens don't have an anus.

So for them to project something through an anus would be a miracle.

Yes, it would be, wouldn't it?

It would be extraordinary.

Well, because they actually,

have they got cloakers?

They're cloaked.

Cloakacakaca!

Welcome to the cloaker zone.

And also, of course, hens don't actually project the eggs, do they?

They simply buff and maintain them.

I do still project them.

Oh, no.

Oh, so I meant cocks.

So, you know, hens do project.

How are you differentiating between hens and chickens, Henry?

Well, if it was a Venn diagram,

you've got two big circles on the left, chickens, on the right, hens, where the overlap is hens.

Okay.

A chicken is a form of hen.

A chicken is a form of hen.

It's just a form of hens.

A hen isn't

It doesn't have to

according to your logic.

A chicken is a form of hen, but it's just a form which encompasses all hens,

plus cocks.

No, it's not, though, because you can have like a pea hen.

Okay.

Is a hen just not a female bird of any kind?

Can you have a cassowary hen?

Seems like too soft a term to attach to the end of such a deadly creature.

It does, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yes.

A casserole mega bitch.

Let's just be honest.

Isn't it?

It's the most like a real weakness.

I think the more I think of it, the more I think I'm actually wrong that all female birds are hens.

Maybe just sort of fowl?

As a collective term for

birds.

What?

I don't know.

We're all at sea here.

We really are.

Completely, yeah, yeah.

Good strong start, though.

Very strong start.

Great teaser.

into what I think is going to be an anecdote about an egg.

It really is.

Two eggs, actually.

Ooh.

All that happened was this morning I scrambled eggs in a new way.

That's what I've done today.

Oh, okay.

It made me think about the fact that I think our relationship with eggs and how we cook them and treat them just evolves over the whole life.

A bit like an egg, actually, in a way.

It develops and nurtures, doesn't it?

And finally, on your deathbed, it hatches.

So it hatches.

So the chick hatches when the egg dies?

Is that what you're saying?

In a way.

Well, this is more of a conceptual egg.

Okay.

But I just think think it's a life's work.

I would say, like mastering three different things, the scrambled egg, the boiled egg, the poached egg.

And how to love another human truly.

Yeah, how to love another human and sort of mastering the saxophone.

Mastering sax.

Which some would say mastering the sax and loving another human is there actually a difference

Because when you think about it, a person is a kind of saxophone, isn't it?

They've got an aperture around the mouth area.

A single reed.

A single reed.

They need to be well maintained.

They like the touch of velvet.

They're prone to fungal growths internally if they're not properly.

And a soft case will keep the rain off, but it won't protect it against hard knocks.

Exactly, Mike.

So there's so many things in common.

And also, if you learn the language of love, you can play a human being, can't you, like a saxon, make them wail

or mute them.

Or mute them.

So eggs, what I'm saying is that.

yeah, I just think it's a life's journey.

And there are peaks and troughs, for example, I've got better, there have been periods of my life where I've been really good at poaching eggs, for example, periods of my life where I'm not so good at poaching eggs, periods of life in my life where I sort of lose my touch for poaching a good egg.

I mean, for example, a couple of days ago, I googled how long do you need to poach an egg for?

That's something I've looked up so many times in my life, I just completely forgot on it.

It's passed out of my ken.

There are periods in one life, often.

in one's life, often shortly after Christmas, where one is trying one of a series of contraptions that are designed to help poach and egg all of which towns be bollocks.

Yeah, right.

Gio, yesterday I watched a video of someone making scrambled eggs because I've got into a weird, I don't know what it is.

Idleness is what it is.

Yeah.

It's a mixture of idleness and not having a proper job.

Okay.

With a bit of fecklessness in there as well, isn't it?

There's a combination of factors.

I think it's a comfort-seeking behavior that I've fallen into, which is that.

Also, it's also you've it also suggests you've just passed your peak, possibly in in the last fortnight

isn't it because it

it's it's it's downturn stuff yeah because back in the day you used to relax with a bar brawl didn't you yeah exactly you'd have been out there mixing it i've i've got i've really got into going on youtube uh tapping in the words marco pier white and just seeing what happens hoping for a scandal or or just hoping for no for some reason

he's done a series of videos which are very very comforting and very calming he speaks very quietly and very slowly and makes smags or whatever.

It might be time for you to make a new jingle because I'm about to declare chat snap.

Which is

that's my chat.

We've snapped chat.

It's snap snap.

I win.

That's my chat and I'm now taking command of it.

Henry, when you talk to someone and they also begin to talk about the same topic, that's called having a conversation.

That's not snap.

That's not double Snapchat.

Actually, I'm talking about that as well.

So

you're in all kinds of trouble here, mate.

Don't know how you're going to get this back.

Double Snapchat.

Snapchat.

Snapchat.

I've just read Snapchat already exists, doesn't it?

It's quite a successful app.

Yeah.

Ben, do you mind if I just quickly tag on to your because this did start.

Tag on or bulldoze over.

Well, remember, it's something sort of similar.

It's a combination of the two, because I did actually remember the mother chat is mine here.

here when I started this.

So that you're still, you are a subset of.

This is a subset of what I was saying.

He's a sort of little sort of little bird

pecking ticks off your back.

I wouldn't say it's symbiotic because I don't think I'm gaining from it.

I'd say it's more

non-fatal parasitism at this point.

Is that how you see it this podcast, though?

Me and Mike are just sort of parasites.

We're chat worms.

Yeah, I could say non-fatal though, Ben.

So I don't think you'll kill the mother organism necessarily.

You'll degrade it over time.

But also, you can sport, you know, remember, you are sporing healthily within the context of my digestive tract, effectively.

You've got your own little universe in there.

Digestive tract talk.

You don't necessarily even know that you're contained within my digestive tract.

Well, I do now.

You've ripped the pastor organizer.

You might have now realised what our existence is.

I shouldn't have said.

I thought I was the king of my domain.

So, sorry, what is the mother chat?

Well, I'd like, I'd like, before you carry on too far, I'd like to point out that essentially everything I'm saying, it's actually the opposite, Ben.

Is a direct descendant of the fact that you got me into Market PI's.

Last night I watched a video where he scrambled eggs, and this morning I tried it.

So, actually, over to you.

You are in control of the chat.

The organism has reversed.

You've spalled so heavily that you've flipped the middle track around.

You've escaped out through the anus, and you've actually completely mastered the mother organism.

You're now sort of in charge of my brain.

You're driving me.

You're now the parasite.

You're sort of half swallowed at the moment.

You're in Ben's more.

Yeah.

We're steadily gulping you down.

It's extraordinary.

It's an incredible sight.

I see your legs twitching, but that's about it.

Yeah.

I'm also completely inside out at this point.

So it's not clear.

It's an extraordinary sight.

Which is also how you scramble the eggs.

Strangely, it's come full circle.

Anyway, so Ben, I'm going to hand the bat on to you actually now.

So carry on.

Just to explain to Mike, yesterday we had a conversation on the phone.

I recommended watching watching markopier white videos on youtube again suggesting that maybe i'm not super super busy either it's always like you know what i mean like there's an element of

there were two we were two like-minded souls weren't we

what prompted the call i mean what because it doesn't sound like it was urgent whatever whatever it was i know we we were talking about something else that was quite did it was it that you were watching a video about eggs henry and you wanted to share it with someone and you had a feeling you might get short shrift from me

To be honest,

genuinely,

what the call was,

Ben was giving me pensions advice.

That was how it started.

And for me, a quintessential part of Michael Pensions advice is just don't worry about it and get the Marco Pia white videos on.

And that's enough for you to get your omnibank commission, isn't it?

Yeah.

Also, when you're in a pension's mindset,

you know, like you think about all the kind of advertising that goes with pensions.

It's a silverhead man.

Generally, he's like, he's got a garage.

He's got a sort of quite good-looking sun.

Yeah, maybe an old car, like a classic car or a motorbike.

They're doing a strong, powerful hug.

The quality to the light, because it is sunset, because you make no mistake what we're talking about.

It's sunset, but there's a kind of golden hue to the sunset.

It's a kind of sunset that's, it's got a kind of a bit of a kind of beach boys kind of golden California.

Yeah,

there's there's hope in it.

And the sun is actually a Viagra.

Well, that's the next ad and they know because you're actually being you're being sort of tenderized and prepared, aren't you, for the very, very heavy, heavy Viagra-based marketing that's we have

through all your social media channels over the next

your life.

And there's also an extremely heteronormative family scene, I would say, isn't it?

Everything's extremely heteronormative.

So you'll be there, you'll be sort of strong your powerful son.

He'll have a wife that looks a bit like your wife, weirdly.

And

she'll be breastfeeding.

She'll be breastfeeding.

A pure-breed piglet.

And then outside the window, you can see hovering in the sky is that sexy Scottish widows' woman in the road

on a Lloyd's horse.

On the Lloyd's horse.

On a winged Lloyd's horse.

Yeah.

And that's sort of galloping, isn't it?

But

it's not moving forward.

It's just

galloping on the spots, isn't it?

In front of you.

All of this is happening on a cruise ship as well.

It pulls back at the end.

You're a little bit on a cruise ship.

And Rob Bryden's there.

But that's right.

So

your daughter-in-law, just to recap, is breastfeeding the piglet, which is being tenderized and marinated by your grandmother.

From beyond the grave.

She's pretty from beyond the grave.

Yeah, which is how good her funeral plan was.

It covered that.

And she's going, even though I died, I got this free pen.

And once a year, I'm actually reanimated and I'm able to tenderize meat, marinade meat, provided it's being breastfed

by a non-blood relative.

And that's the Omnibank guarantee.

It's that of a carriage clock, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Yeah, so that mood that is created by those ads.

Yeah.

Where, by the way, the other thing which goes along with that mood is that somehow they're managing to suggest, or of course, if you don't sign up with us, and then it's just all of your family just desiccated corpses being blown around a car park,

aren't they?

Everyone's just.

Yeah.

It's actually based on that scene in Terminator 2 when the nuclear weapon goes off, isn't it?

And everyone's skin explodes.

That's exactly it.

That's your bloodline is a series of corpses that continue reproducing there so that your great-grandchildren, your grandchildren and grandchildren will all be just desiccated corpses flopping around, bits of bones sticking through the skin.

No one's breastfeeding anyone.

And they can't leave the car park, can they?

You have to stay.

They can't leave the car park.

And the piglet is actually, according to the posters around the car park, is actually now president, isn't it?

Because you're leaving in a sort of piglet dystopia that's been created because of how poor your

planning was.

But president of a nation that is just a sort of sheet of molten glass.

That's all it is.

it's so unwelcoming yeah so the mood in the in those pension announces is quite similar to a marco pia white videos and it's a very very calming because because ben you put these on me onto these yesterday after you gave me the pension advice yeah you put me onto these fids so in bed last night i watched the the scrambled eggs one and i thought i i thought i knew how to scramble eggs well his scrambled eggs are an odd aren't they they they're very

snotty and liquidy and don't look great so i did make them this morning so the thing that he emphasizes in his scrambled eggs is it's don't touch the don't move them.

Well, no, you do.

Okay, you don't whisk them in any way initially.

You put them into the pan with some butter.

And the pan is an incredibly low heat.

And what you do is you then prick the yolks with a fork.

Oh.

And then you kind of swirl them, creating ribbons is the word he uses.

And the whole thing is incredibly slow.

A bit like the way you should invest in a pension, isn't it?

Which is it's slow.

You drip, drip, and it takes its time.

but hopefully the benefits arrive.

So what he does is he, it's incredible he keeps on saying, and you've got to do this incredibly slowly, don't hurry eggs.

Don't

he says this, which I thought was quite a weird statement.

He said, eggs are one of the most natural things in the world.

They're the apples of chickens.

What could be more natural than a human eating the reproductive vestibule of a bird?

Well,

it's a potential, it's a stymied potential.

Pre-beast.

But it's a pre-beast nutrition system.

Well, it's a kind of escape pod, isn't it?

That sometimes there's something in.

What, from the spaceship that is a hen?

Yeah.

I suppose it is.

The only thing that's different is that hens don't have a voice that goes launching in five, four,

three,

two.

but maybe they shouldn't maybe they have maybe that's their internal monologue that might be going on inside yeah

so anyway so he says um it's all about he just keeps on emphasizing this don't hurry nothing good happens in a hurry take your time so that's what i was doing this morning which automatically makes it a bit difficult if it's because it's a breakfast food isn't it so it's kind of a point in the day where time might be important but the other thing he says is So the way you make sure that the pan isn't too hot, just press your face into the pan.

Press your face.

And he goes, and and make sure that your face can tolerate the heat of the pan

and if you're smelling meat

then then just hold your nerve and incorporate it incorporate it into the scramble scramble because a person's face is one of the most natural things in the world

so he genuinely says put your hand against the pan does he and he can you remember this he says it over and over again again.

You cup your hand around the edge of the pan.

He goes, and if your hand can tolerate the heat of the pan.

But he has a chef's hand.

He does have a callused chef's hand.

You have an illustrator's hand.

I have an illustrator's hand.

It's one of the softest meats.

Isn't it?

It's one of the softest meats there is.

It's an absolute oligarch starter, isn't it?

Is that an illustrator's hand?

He's got proper mutton paws.

He's got calculated and scarred from years of tiny burns.

Yes, that have been

rings.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a very good point.

So I learned that this morning when I hurt my hand.

Yeah.

But do you not agree that the ones he made in the video, and I guess the ones you made, if you did them in the same way, they're so wet and kind of gooey.

Yeah.

They just looked absolutely gross.

He does actually say that weirdly at the end because the whole thing is like a mantra of like, this is the way to do it.

Take your time, relax.

It's nice and slow, nice and slow.

And then at the end, he goes, does he say at any point, my favorite thing he says in quite a lot of his videos is, approach the stove like a piano.

You're playing the stove.

Does he actually say that?

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Mike, you've got to watch them.

Basically, it's like a mixture of cooking advice and then sort of slightly strange card philosophy about the world and how that might relate to cooking.

It is.

I've only watched one.

It is really good.

It's very soothing.

But then it's funny at the end of this one, though, he goes, having told you this is the only way to do it at the end, he goes, but of course, these, I mean, they do, they do come out quite wet, which some people don't like.

He literally says that at the end.

But it's quite one thing I like about it is his system is it removes mixing up mixing them up in a bowl.

I love anything that takes away a layer of effort.

You know, you're going straight into the pan.

That for me, that just goes tick, tick.

And it sounds like it also removes the impulse to finally sort yourself out with a pension.

I've completely forgotten about that issue as well.

That's the genius of Ben's plan.

I'm still moving the money into his account.

We just haven't sorted it up.

It already pays it back to me when I'm 70.

I've given you a bigger gift than any money.

It's true.

You can't put value on it.

Also,

what do i need my annual you know so income to be when i'm that old all i need is enough to pay for broadband

or just to watch those vids do you know what i mean that'll be my only expense that'll be my main expense be watching the micropia white vids great but it was it was a pretty good scramble it was a pretty good scramble yeah it was a little bit maybe a little bit wet

okay let's turn on the bean machine you betcha or more accurately

let's activate the bean machine it's always on It has to constantly run at a low level.

It's humming away, throbbing.

Because weirdly, the whole thing is actually powered by an electric toothbrush charger, isn't it?

Which people often find surprising.

But we were warned that once it was switched on in the first place, it could never be powered down.

It could never be powered down.

Well, actually, I think the phrase actually was actually more blood curdling than that.

It was, it must never be powered down.

The future of the northern hemisphere of the planet depends on it.

Southern hemisphere should be fine, actually.

That's why a lot of billionaires are buying up sort of real estate in places like New Zealand, isn't it?

And just on the off chance that

the dustbrush battery fails.

Yes.

Yeah, because

they think the top side of the Earth would actually just sort of

slough off, it would just slough straight off, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Tumbling into the Sun,

the centre of our galaxy.

Quickly seared on both sides to seal in the flavour.

That's right.

Sorry, just to catch the bollock, the sun is not the centre of our galaxy.

Well, that depends what you've been reading.

We've been doing our research Ben.

Okay maybe maybe it's time you did yours.

So what do you think the center of our galaxy is Ben?

I don't know if there is a centre of the galaxy is there?

Newport.

Newport, South Wales.

Clearly Newport.

It's the Iceland in Newport.

It's specifically the pre-cooked gravy aisle.

So it's it's your

It's your meltable gravy cubes.

Yep, melts in your pocket.

You just walk it home, isn't it?

The promise is you walk it home, and by the time you get home, it's piping hot gravy, isn't it?

It starts off as a sort of cold cube, gradually slows down, just absorbs your body heat.

And it's able to do that because it's the center of the galaxy.

That's why we think that can work.

So I'm genuinely interested, Ben.

You don't think our galaxy has a centre?

It's definitely not the sun.

So if you think of a galaxy as an Italian town,

it needs to have a little central square with some nice cafes and stuff, doesn't it?

And then everything else is built around that.

Tourist spot, yeah.

Nice little tourist spot.

So we're kind of like the police station next to the grubby industrial estate.

Which hopefully you don't end up on on holiday.

Yeah, it's not even the main police station.

No.

Yeah.

It's the one with the vice squad.

Yeah.

And it's corrupt as hell.

Genuinely, though, what do you mean?

when you're saying so because in my understanding of is our galaxy is the milky way in the middle of it there's the sun and various planets go around around.

Ah, you don't know the difference between a galaxy and a solar system.

That's what's happening.

It's a solar system within a galaxy.

Yeah.

So the galaxy is made up of like thousands of solar systems.

Ah, okay, okay.

But I think generally, everything is based in the universe around rotating around a central sphere, isn't it?

Generally, that's the sort of model for it.

You know, in terms of town planning,

it's not strip communities.

It's central square.

It's the Italian hub.

It's not blocks.

It's your market square, isn't it?

It's central thing, and everything kind of of rotates around that, whatever.

It's Bologna rather than Chicago.

Lovely.

Yes.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

And for that reason, like a lot of towns which are old market towns, but

in modern times now have to have a one-way system for it to actually work.

And that's why most planets tend to rotate in the same direction, don't they?

Okay.

Which is clockwise at the moment.

Until they're fully wound.

Until they're fully wound.

Then it's spring all the way up.

It's going to be super fast.

And the other way.

Whip round.

Whip round.

Oh, the microphones.

Wow.

It's going to be super fast.

It's going to be the other way around.

So instead of night following day, day will follow night for us.

But incredibly fast.

So good luck making a fucking Marquez Pia white scrambled eggs in that universe.

But also we'll be going back in time rapidly, right?

Back in time super, super rapidly.

Yeah, you can unscramble eggs at that point for the first time.

Yeah.

It'll be quite exciting.

Which means actually watching the film Benjamin Button will actually weirdly make a lot more sense than it does now.

Oh, that's it.

Ow, snap, whoa,

yeah,

ow.

So essentially, you're watching the film Benjamin Button, like without the sort of gimmick.

So you're just watching a movie about a man growing up, but all other films will be quite hard to follow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Except Memento as well will be more straightforward, I suppose, in a way.

That's true.

Sound of music, probably not worth your time.

Well,

yeah.

Oh, raw nerve.

I really like the sound of music, that's all.

So just just tread carefully.

Would that become a film about them welcoming the Nazis?

It would be a film about them

sort of, as the Nazis are growing in power, moving from Switzerland into the heart, into Austria, isn't it?

Moving from neutral Switzerland into the kind of palms of the...

Joining a nunnery.

And joining a nunnery.

Oh, maybe that is okay.

Getting a bit disheartened by living with a bunch of slightly annoying...

Because it's just bowing out of the geopolitical happenings.

No, they're bowing in.

Joining in the nunnery?

But doesn't she join a nunnery in the film?

No, she's from a nunnery.

She leaves a nunnery, doesn't she?

At the beginning?

Maybe I'm thinking of sister act.

Uh-oh.

Let's do it.

Can we do a thing where we slow fade on that trap?

Just slow fade it out.

And then me coming going, enough from those tossers.

Let's go on with the show.

That'll work quite a lot.

That'll add it up quite nice.

We might use that quite a lot going through.

I'll have to go through the whole back catalogue to remaster it.

Come on, then.

Bean machine, let's do it.

Okay, if you want to put put something into the beam machine, simply go to enterthebeam machine.boats.

And Andrew from Leeds did that very thing.

Thanks, Andrew.

Thank you, Andrew.

And the topic he put in is adverts.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Well, we've been talking about ads already, haven't we?

It's funny when that happens.

What ads have we been talking about?

We were talking about pension ads a minute ago.

That's true.

That's true.

I don't really see as many television adverts as I did in the golden age because I tend to, like most people, I think, watch a lot of streaming stuff.

There's no ads, which is tough on the old, these sort of John Lewis types, isn't it?

The event advert.

Oh, yes.

They've still managed to keep that going as an event advert, but it feels like it's slightly losing its steam, doesn't it?

I couldn't, I don't think I could tell you what happened in the last one.

Oh, good point.

This is the big Christmas adverts.

Is this a nation?

Is this a sort of worldwide thing in sort of religious festivals and holidays?

Do other nations do this?

Yeah, just to explain, there is a department store in Britain called John Lewis, and their saying is never knowingly undersold, which I've never understood

well can I say I do understand it but can you communicate can you

to people of lower

so basically so John Lewis makes the promise never knowingly undersold now what that means which by the way they're bringing back are they so they got rid of it and they said they're bringing it back and I still was like but I never knew what it meant and I still don't know what it means put it this way the knowingly is doing a lot of bloody work in that sentence I think

I still don't understand it though I mean no, that's great.

I appreciate you being cynical about it, but I don't know what you're being cynical about.

Well, that's the thing.

So, here's the thing: what it means is, for example, if you go into John Lewis and there's an oven for sale,

I don't know if that's even possible.

Can you buy an oven?

Yeah, probably.

Aren't they just always installed?

It is possible to buy an oven.

You can buy an oven, right?

You can buy an oven.

So

there isn't this like a set number of ovens in the world that you install into buildings.

Houses and flats have to be built around.

We found more ovens.

if you're lucky enough to find an oven seam.

Actually, you know what?

I'm going to give him a real example, which actually, in terms of Venn diagrams,

this

is an anecdote that's to do with John Lewis, but it also overlaps into an anecdote about me losing things.

An oven?

No, not an oven, but I've lost...

But you're up to it.

If anyone's up to it.

It's you, isn't it?

So I have lost a lot of things in my life.

I've got slightly better, mainly because I've lost all my stuff.

So I don't really have as much stuff anymore to lose but one of the things i'm you know you shouldn't be proud of this kind of but it kind of there's a kind of perverse pride which i have actually i did manage i have lost i did once lose a radiator

i think it's quite unusual

um i mean it was it was it was a radiator that i brought in john lewis and then left on the tube It was a big bulky, it was a heavy mother as well.

It was an oil.

It was a lovely, lovely thing.

Would have kept me really warm that winter.

Oh, the bomb squad must have had to spend hours dealing with that.

Millions of taxpayers' money.

Yeah.

Millions upon millions.

As they've floated it out on hot air balloons into the sea.

We're going to have to have to sacrifice the future of Britain's having any hope of mastering and being at the forefront of AI.

We're going to have to put our best AI robot on the case.

We're going to have to sacrifice it for this.

We're going to set back our economy by a decade.

Cyber Steve.

Cyber Steve.

I'm sorry, we have a big future plan for you, but it's now changed to.

You're going to get in a small boat with this radiator.

You're going to row it out into the middle of the North Sea, and then we're going to blow you up.

But I've just learned love.

But I have so much to offer.

I've invented a new way of scrambling eggs.

I understand the concept of never knowingly undersold.

Doesn't matter, Steve.

In fact, Cyber Steve, I'm actually unscrewing your face so that I don't identify you with you as much anymore.

So this is going to be easier for all of us, but unscrew your face.

It's coming off, and we're going to replace it with

this

drawing of koala's ass.

I've just done it.

Just going to make it easier for all of us, ever on the team.

Point being, yeah, I once left a radiator on the tube,

but I bought it from John Lewis.

So, when I was buying that radiator, what it means is that John Lewis

didn't know

if there was a cheaper one around at the time of selling.

So,

They will never knowingly sell you something.

What it means is, in theory, I could go to another shop.

So it's like, we're cheaper than all of our competitors, but we're not going to check.

No, no, no.

What it means is, if it's by accident, then, you know, hold the hands up.

It's almost like saying, I've never knowingly murdered anyone

and expecting people to think you're a great guy for saying that.

No, what it means is if I'd gone to another shop, for example, a Curry's, bought the same radiator, taken that radiator to John Lewis, shown them the radiator and the receipt, and if it was for less than what they had were charging, they would say, yep, right, you asked, thanks, thanks for pointing it out.

So then they're saying that they have undersold you instead of overcharged.

Isn't that the word?

Yeah, the undersold bit is the bit I don't understand.

I think the problem is that undersold isn't a word.

No, what they're saying is that

if Curry's providing that radiator at the lower price, I don't know if it means they'll pay the difference or they'll lower their price to match the Curry's radiator, if you see what I mean.

But what does the word undersold mean?

That means someone else selling the same thing cheaper.

Never knowingly overcharging you.

I would just call it the John Lewis price guarantee.

Has it just been that at some point a couple of ad execs have gone, we can't call it the price guarantee.

Everyone says that.

It's really boring.

Don't worry, I've invented a word undersold and they've presented it to the committee.

And the committee has been so embarrassed that none of them know what it means that they've just waived it through.

I think I still would would have gone with the John Lewis price promise.

We've got crazy bargains.

The washing machines are practically walking out of the shops themselves and inserting them into your home themselves for free.

Our boss must be barking mad with the price of these mops.

Yeah.

Ben, have I told you about the time where the service is so good in John Lewis?

I once once went in there, was browsing toasters.

I was looking for a toaster.

And left with a radiator.

Left with a radiator.

That's how good it is.

And got home with that without either.

And when I was in there,

I got chatting to, because the staff are very,

they're very Marco Pierre White.

They're just very soothing and everything feels okay in that world.

They help you to make the best purchase for you.

And I don't know, it's just you feel really comfortable there.

And basically someone spotted that, or it came up in conversation with me and the person there, that a button was loose on my naval-style pea coat.

Yeah, that I was wearing at the time, navy blue.

You know, the buttons with the anchors on.

I've seen that coat.

Nice look.

And while I was browsing for toasters, they whisked my coat up to Haberdashery and put a new button on and whisked it down for me.

But just in time for me to say, I'm not going to buy a toaster today, thanks.

But I will take my peacoat back.

Thank you.

By which time the lining of the jacket was replete with tiny microphones, little video cameras

and tracking devices.

We think this was the man who left that huge pipe bomb on the tube.

One of the most audacious attempts, one of the most poorly concealed bombs.

Or leave it, obvious bomb, even a different settings on it.

You could turn it up to the antique.

You could turn it up to how hot the bomb was at 0 to 9.

Enough from those tossers.

Let's go on with the show.

The other thing that's confusing about its advert, just to keep us on theme, of never knowingly undersold, is that it's sort of trying to say that it's good value, but at the same time, it is just known to be and is quite an expensive shop.

Like everything in there is quite expensive.

Yeah.

But it's just expensive stuff, I guess, that they should stock.

Yeah.

But what it is, it's got this place in the national imagination, which is a bit like M ⁇ S, which is, it's sort of like it's there for you.

Like, it's where you'd go for something like mothballs.

Do you know what I mean?

Or like a button or something.

It's kind of household solutions as well.

It almost feels like it's part shop and part of government.

It feels institutional in some way.

It's an institution.

I mean, in Exeter, we have a John Lewis, and it's, I mean, it's literally the biggest building in the city.

It dwarfs the cathedral.

Wow.

You can pretty much see it from anywhere within the city limits.

Who is the current Bishop of John Lewis?

It's Reginald Featherbed.

Anyway, advertising-wise, every Christmas...

The British listeners will know this.

They, for the past sort of probably 15 or 20 years, have decided or sort of gone we're going to make an iconic advert every

equivalent maybe the equivalent is the super bowl thing the the yes the arms race to have the but i think super bowl ads are supposed to be sort of glitzy and spectacular and funny right yes whereas your your christmas ad has to be a tearjerker heart-rending yeah and so what was the first one that really launched them that's

a question

Well, a key component of these is they get a famous song.

Oh, yeah.

They get a young female vocalist to cover it To do a kind of breathy acoustic version.

Yeah.

That became a kind of real trope that started to irritate me quite a lot in the world of music.

Yeah.

And it would always be like twisted fire starter.

Twisted fire starter.

The more, like, the more anti-the mood of the song.

They're quite dark.

There's a lot of early evening people cuddled up in warm clothes and candlelight, that kind of thing.

The lighting's all very soft.

And then often there's a sort of CGI penguin involved or a snowman.

There'll be a CGI penguin.

There'll be a child showing kindness quite often.

Yes.

Maybe the first one was the one where the kid was getting ready for Christmas and then it turned out that the thing they were worried about was the present they were going to give their parents and not the present they were going to receive.

Yeah, which is just a lie and just not true.

It's a wild fantasy.

It's a wild, wild fantasy.

If you were cynical, you could argue that it's dressing up the biggest consumer hit moment.

you know, of the year for those shops.

By getting you

in your emotions.

But it is accepted.

Even though

it's a nation that has a reputation that's been quite buttoned up.

Yes.

People don't seem to find it too mawkish.

They're quite tastefully done, though.

The John Lewis ads.

They have been quite good.

There's been a couple of, not exactly missteps, but a few.

I remember there was a weird one where

the kid was given a telescope.

Oh, the Pedo on the Moon.

Looked on the moon where there was

a sex offender.

An exiled sex offender.

An exiled sex offender had been sent to the moon.

Which was a big idea in policy circles at the time wasn't it it was an idea that was being talked about that was the way they focus grouped it that was put in the john lewis ad see how it goes down yeah yeah he had a slightly creepy bizarre i don't remember that yeah yeah it was a bad one it felt it felt creepy and weird there was an old man on the moon and she was looking through him at a telescope and it felt like a child-adult relationship that hadn't been sanctioned by the parental unit exactly that was it that was it yes yeah she had a special friendship with an old man it felt weird stranger danger stranger danger knows no distance

Stay safe, kids.

Even the moon's too close.

I'm remembering the one they did last year or the year before.

There was quite a good one.

I thought it was good.

It was good.

It was the guy learning skateboard.

It was extremely good.

That one was very good.

That was good.

I'm actually, right now, I'm struggling to talk about it.

It was so emotional.

It was so good.

Do you remember this one, Mike?

I'm not sure I do.

It was about fostering or adopting children.

And basically, in the run-up to Christmas, this guy was was learning to skateboard, and he didn't know.

You don't know, it's a great reveal because you don't know why, do you?

And it turns out it's because they're fostering a kid.

And so, when the kid arrives, he goes, Do you want to go skateboarding?

It's such a sweet moment.

And of course, they cut it before what actually happened, which was going, Go fuck yourself, you're not my real dad.

I'm smoking a blister in the garden.

I'm smoking a blifter.

I'm going to snap my fucking skateboard now because you like it now.

So, I can't like it.

Yeah, get stuffed.

Yeah,

enough from those tossers.

Let's go on with the show.

I wonder if we can create a good John Lewis ad now together.

Well, my John Lewis ad is this.

Ready?

Christmas is coming and it's time to buy, buy, buy.

We've got toasters.

$7.99.

We've got fridges.

$3.99.

We've got Christmas pajamas.

$4.99.

These mops are $6.99.

And if you buy 10 mops, they're $4.99.

Do not miss that kind of advert because that's basically when we were kids, like in the 80s, that's what adverts were, right?

It was like a celebrity walking up to i don't know a cd player and going cd player is now 399 oh junction a's on the end of 27.

yeah

motorway junctions were important yes a deadline was important yes only until april the 29th carpet 74 4.99

everything was 99 yeah it's it's it's a way of saying a price that is never said in any other context yeah you never go how much is a pint near seven seven nine nine doesn't it's just not a way of saying a price is it should we have another go at making an ad, John Lewis ad?

What you can?

Okay.

What are you trying to sell, Lou?

Do you start with the music?

Where do you start?

You need some visual, some Christmas-based visual, ideally, right?

Like a stocking, right?

Because some of them have a journey of...

Of redemption, right?

A stocking-faced bank robber.

Oh, that's good.

He's just smokes a father of three in the back of a nationwide.

Because he needs to buy Christmas presents, too.

So I think the first shot we get, Mike, in this.

Yeah.

It's a Christmas tree shape we can make out on camera as it comes into focus we realize that it's a christmas tree shaped hole in the body of the father with the camera is looking through that

and the light of the strip lights of the bank uh glistening off the tears of the recently orphaned uh children yeah exactly okay great start

So now the stocking face, so this guy, he's robbed a bank, he's got a stocking on his head.

The dad was in the bank to withdraw money to make purchases.

Yep.

John Lewis.

So the guy, he's got a Christmas stocking on his head, has he?

Well,

that's where it's going.

I think that's what it's going to become.

So at the moment, it's just a standard stocking.

Which also

you can purchase at John Lewis.

You can purchase.

Yeah, yeah.

So what happens next?

He's killing the damage.

Killed the denier of your dreams.

Where do we want to end up?

I think it's good to know.

I think the perfect ending,

maybe...

I think the main child,

the larger of the three children.

So have they, just quickly, have they witnessed the execution of this?

They've They've witnessed it.

They've witnessed it, and they've got, yeah, their faces are spattered with blood, guts, bits of spine, and their own tears.

And some cranberry sauce, to be fair.

Well, that's the thing.

That's what you want, that's what you want the audience home to be thinking about when they look at the blood, the mulch.

They want to be thinking about cranberry sauce.

I think the ending really, because we've had redemption before, right?

So we think this is going to be about redemption of the bank robber.

Actually, what it's going to be is the oldest child, the 10-year-old girl, she takes charge of the family.

She presents the youngest children.

They have a stocking, after all.

Yes, it's actually the stocking that was over the bank robber.

What's the present at the bottom?

It's the bank robber's severed head.

The gift is of vengeance.

Very good.

And what they can do is they can take that head and instantly cover it in a waitrose glaze because

waitrose is obviously linked to John Lewis.

They can cover that nice waitress glaze, pop that in the oven.

Then cut to carving of the bank robber's head.

They all have a bit.

One wants the red meat, which is probably sort of chin and jaw, sort of cheeks, isn't it?

And the white meat's the brain.

Yeah, and so there's a bit of fun with that.

A bit of bulbous nose that they use as a kind of wisdom.

What's it called, that stick?

I think that you.

The wishbone.

The wishbone.

There's a wish nose.

There's a lot of areas we can have some fun.

I think a nice way to end it, to make it a bit more funny than somebody else, because it's feeling a little bit dark.

Oh, there's got to be a bit of humour in there.

A bit of humour.

Is the youngest kid does a little guff.

And the sister, the orphaned elder sister, says, What was that about?

And she goes, oh, it's just a classic Christmas.

Brain offelgoff.

Yeah, there you go.

There you've got your little ending, haven't you?

Yeah, and throughout that whole process,

the stocking hasn't laddered at all.

It hasn't laddered because the fact that these are high-quality purchases from the John Lewis shop.

Yeah.

And then...

Does the children's mother come down the stairs and

I've been wondering about her?

Yeah.

I'd imagined her already dead

from a similar incident that happened at the previous Easter.

You know what?

As they're all tucking into the bank robber's head, you could maybe the camera, and if you have the Guffjet, the camera could pan to the stuffed sort of effigied body of the mother that they've kept.

Oh, she's on top of the Christmas tree.

They don't use a fairy.

They've lacquered their mother using this sort of Soviet, you know, Lenin technology.

Yeah, she's always looking over them and she approves.

She strongly approves.

It's all there, isn't it?

It's all there.

And can I say, I know it's a little bit early, but happy Christmas, everyone.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Enough from those tossers.

Let's get on with the show.

When I was a kid, I used to listen to the radio a lot.

I still do, but there was a lot of adverts.

I used to listen to commercial radio.

Wave 105.

There we go.

Mine was Red Dragon FM.

Nice.

We have Power FM as well, aren't we?

And those adverts are fantastic.

And I can remember some of them so vividly.

The best one being there was a motorcycle shop in South Wales called Riders.

Nice.

And the advert goes, With the wind in your hair, the wind in your hair, Riders!

Nice.

Close to Junction, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste.

What's that?

That was for Quinns.

What's Quinn's?

Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste.

But that's like never knowing the end of the soul.

What does that mean?

It's just a bar.

It's just a bar.

But it was in a place where there's quite good parking.

Well, what's a quirk of taste?

And basically the subtext is, if you're divorced and in your 50s, you still might get a shag.

Isn't it?

Because there's always a subtext.

Because they don't need to advertise to people in their 20s.

They're going to a pub anyway.

Exactly.

So hang on.

Any quirk of taste.

So if you've got like unusual tastes in drinks, if you go anywhere and I want goat's blood, chilled goat's blood.

I think it Henry's onto something.

I mean, the implication is on the surface level, it's about coefficient of drink taste, but they're saying there's all there's bloody all sorts here and they're up for it.

It's incredibly dark in here, and the alcohol is incredibly strong, and it's too dark to see what we're putting in the glasses.

And it's just around the corner from a holiday inn, yeah, it's it's all perfectly set up.

There's no CCTV in the car park.

So, is that would that play on Power FM?

Yeah, yeah.

Power FM or Wave 105, yeah, all the locals.

Also, we do offer services where we can chemically castrate you

on the way in.

You don't have to take it up, but it's an offer we make.

Just means you can

gives you more peace of mind, doesn't it?

But we should remind you that herpes does remain intolerable.

And even a very strong Shinzano lemonade will not combat against that.

It's a shame that we still have to make this comment or still have to say this, but funneling Baileys up your anus makes

absolutely no difference whatsoever.

But if it's for leisure purposes, that's fine because this is Quinn's, the bar that quenches any quirk of taste.

It might still exist.

It's Quinn's still there.

Where would it have been?

In Portsmouth?

Yeah, somewhere.

And remember, that's herpes, incurable, but thriving.

Thriving on Portsea Island today.

As far as I can tell, Mike, there is no evidence of Quinn's.

I think the whole thing became so ranted with herpes they had to just sort of seal it into a concrete bunker.

Like Chernobyl.

Yeah.

You can actually pay for tours of it, though, now.

You can go and visit, but you have to wear a hazmat suit and stuff.

Enough from those tossers.

Let's go on with the show.

Time to read your emails.

And instead of the usual email jingle, I'm going to play something sent in by Jerry.

Now, this is, um, I've listened to it.

It's very good.

It's kind of all of our jingles and theme tune mashed into one.

Finally.

But it's mainly using a lot of the email jingle stuff.

So I thought I'd play it here.

So here we go.

Thank you, Jerry.

Thank you.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, Postmaster.

Think for me.

Just some old shit.

This represents progress.

I go robot

ring a horse.

My beautiful horse.

You must have friends

when you send them anyway.

Reflecto hollock.

Reflecto hollock.

Wow.

There's a lot going on in that.

There really was.

Hold on, Jerry.

You know, when they send a bit of music or something in a podule out to space?

in case aliens find it or whatever?

Yeah, yeah.

I think they should put that in the next one.

That's good.

Well, the first one reminded me very much of like 80s ET type films, that first few bars.

It felt like

you'd be seeing a sort of suburban family scene, you know, waiting for the school bus just before it goes.

And then it went into something that would be very good for the Christmas advert, I think.

It got very jazzy.

When it went jazzy, it made me think of like the kind of music that'd be playing in the background in a spaceship in Doctor Who in the 70s, like in a bar scene or something in a spaceship.

Yeah.

But I think send it to space, put in the next podule.

And await destruction.

Await destruction, because I think it'll be good for the human race rather than to gradually, because it looks like we're going to peter out gradually.

We're going to run out of natural resources.

Temperatures are going to go up.

Penguins will become either dead or in charge.

One or the other.

Obviously, the crabs will rise, but even the crabs will then fall.

But we'll be living, any humans that are left alive will be living in caves eating cultivated mold.

Actually, sometimes eating unnon-cultivated mold.

That's how bad it'll get.

Well, that's what would be the cause of wars, won't it?

Between the mold wars, between the remaining tribes.

Exactly.

Been the mold wars.

There'll be Mold War I, Mold War II.

The Cold Mold War.

The Cold Mold War.

And there'll be some great documentaries made about it.

The Mold at War.

And rather than that, rather than that slow petering out, if that's got center-space aliens,

they just thump to squidge human, you know, squidge the squidge the planet in one go and it's over.

Or just wrap us up in cling film and wait for everyone to

fixate whatever it is, however they choose to do it.

Thank you to everyone who sent us an email.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Let's start with this from Ashley.

Hi, Beams.

I recently saw a clip of Ben on Richard Herring's podcast and he's slightly taller than I'd imagined.

Thanks, Ash.

Lovely stuff.

Really nice.

I'm not enjoying this idea that the listenership in general feel that I am bald and short.

That's what I'm giving off.

It's DeVito, isn't it?

You're pictured as a UK DeVito.

Well, as the penguin, though, I think think as well.

De Vito as the penguin.

So, yeah, so it's evil De Vito.

It's not likable to veto.

It's just the energy you give off, Ben.

It's just the energy.

Nothing you can do about it.

Next email is from Michael.

Hello, Michael.

From North Carolina.

I'm originally from Kingslin in Norfolk, but have been here for over 20 years now.

And your podcast is a key way of my strategy to expose my kids, brackets Marin 11 and Sander 8, to British culture.

They certainly appreciate your brand of lukewarm banter, so that's a win.

They both love the idea of the provincial dads and believe quite rightly that I am one.

Yes.

They know I like nothing more than thinking about efficient route planning.

Which is why for my recent birthday, Marin made me this provincial dad activity book.

Oh, well done, Marin.

But this is so thoughtful.

This child has understood the middle-aged provincial man beautifully.

So basically, it's a kind of route planning game.

It's really good.

It's hard to explain.

Objective.

Get to the Thai restaurant.

And you have a series of different routes you can go.

There's green, there's red, there's yellow.

You can plan it out.

Different difficulty levels.

This is absolutely outstanding, Michael.

I mean,

you're the richest man alive, Michael, frankly.

The 20% of the IP you still retain in this product, Michael, is

put it this way, it's going to, it'll put a maximum of one of your children partially through college.

It's sort of gamified Mike's life, hasn't it?

That's what it's done.

Oh, man.

Congratulations.

Go to the store.

And well done, the mayor.

I mean, that's just

superb work.

Eventually,

lightweights.

Green equals good, no traffic weights.

It's a huge part of the population that this child has understood, has got to grips with there.

I mean, I think this is a future leader we're dealing with here.

Henry, when you say that Michael retains 20% of the IP, are you saying that we retain 80% as progenitors of the provincial dad?

Or are you saying Marin?

No, no, no, no, sorry, that is us.

Yeah, Marin, of course, is a miner.

Unfortunately, legally, it's going to be a lifelong battle to get anything out of this.

See you in court.

See you in court.

Well, thanks for sharing that, Michael.

Thank you.

That's brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Hats off to the creator.

Superb.

It's time

to pay the ferry man

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash freaking bean salad

Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

There's every different tiers you can sign up for.

You can get our free episodes.

You get the monthly bonus episode.

You get our film.

I was about to say review, but more.

I don't know if review is the right word.

It's pushing it, isn't it?

Yeah.

Film discussion podcast.

An exploration of what cinema can achieve.

Film corner.

and if you sign up at the sean bean tier you get a shout out from mike from the sean bean lounge not half where mike was last night i was indeed you had a visitor in the in the lounge last night wasn't it it was um hollywood actor jack black was there

because it was the old um barrack jack black night it was thank you ben and here's my report

It was Barrack Jack Black Knight last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.

Jack Black having been lured to the lounge by Sophie Berry, supposedly to discuss remaking Sharp's Revenge with Sean Bean reprising his role as Sharp, and Jack Black playing his cowardly wise cracking musket, Flenty.

In fact, Sean Bean was hiding in the lounge sub-basement, playing pygmy hippo polo with Suzanne Hall, Andy Elliott Smith, Tory Queen of Chaos, Adam Classens, and Larney Irving.

And no such offer was on the table.

Bridge and Sam Brooks led Jack Black to the barracking saloon where Adel McGee and Colin D.

H.

Tucker had built a 47-foot-high gantry, atop which Jack Black was installed before Alastair Rice took the ladder away.

Gareth Llewellyn then instructed Jack Jack Black to give any speech or performance of his choice so the barracking could begin.

Jack Black bravely chose to do a one-man version of Ben Skinner and Banjo Dave's controversial rewrite of Starlight Express, in which the protagonists are funicular rather than standard trains.

This over-enraged Jim Lane and Tom Foley Phillips, who were unable to barrack owing to an excess of oral fury frothing.

Christine, Natalia A.

and Paul James Wignall conducted a well-researched barrack based on a rumor that Jack Black's mother once worked as an engineer on an intercontinental ballistic missile project.

Ben Podger attempted a rhyming barrack, but the only words he could think of to rhyme with Jack and Black were Black and Jack, and the barracks sounded more like an encouraging chant.

Bryn Orton, Jan Frederick Poshwater, and Conor Jeffries attempted a barrack based on Jack Black's back catalogue, but all agreed there was something in the mix they'd admired and lost heart.

This prompted Henry the Plonker to attempt a barrack using baseless smears, but he tripped over Oliver Stanley, causing the barrack to misfire, accidentally assassinating the character of Zoe Lear.

Desperate now, Mark Wood tried a barrack inspired by Jack Black's choice of all-weather footwear, which led to an immediate and brutal barrack backlash from Malaco Tay, Jamie Spears, Tim Rastel and Adam Smout, who encircled Mark and barracked him into Next Tuesday.

David Fletcher and Justin Pietro Paolo attempted to break up the Internecine barrack, but, without weapons, only had barracking at their disposal and the situation deteriorated.

Thinking on and perhaps with their feet, Alex McCabe, Daniel Gronner and Alex Allsop began wrenching sections of Gentry away to use as shields and discipline splinters to break up the melee.

Sophie Sweet, Christine Hann, Professor Julian Heppel and Tim Wu jumped jumped on the bandwagon even though none of them had been following events enough to understand what was going on.

It was Pearl McCauley who first noticed the gantry was beginning to topple and who attempted to stabilize it by shoving Harry Kidd under a strut like a human napkin under a wobbly chairleg.

But it was to no avail.

Not least because Rob Dineen, Ollie Bolton and Sam Eardley were on the other side shoving the gantry with all their might.

It is believed it was this which prompted the final collapse of the gantry, rather than Jamie Tullet yelling timber or Geordie Pordy Pudding and Pie's unusual sneeze.

At the time of writing, Isabel Deani, Vander Otlinghaus and Alex Bailey remained trapped under the debris with Jack Black, who was keeping them occupied with a Q ⁇ A about his brief tenure on the X-Files.

Liam Woodward tried to keep them all warm by setting the wood on fire, but thankfully this was blown up by Tom Vojenek, who got a birthday wish into the bargain.

Thanks all.

Okay, we'll finish off with a version of the theme tune sent in by one of you.

This is from Adam from Seattle.

Oh, thank you, Adam.

He writes, entouched is my contribution to the backlog of listener-submitted renditions of the Three Bean Sad theme.

This jingle was written and recorded in the nebulous style of Twinkly's 1990s Midwestern emo in the vein of groups like American Football and Mineral.

I've heard of neither.

It was recorded using three different guitars.

A 2010 Fender Standard Telecaster in standard dual coil setup in Lake Placid Blue with a pickup swap to an EMG TV.

Play the guitar.

Very 90s, very 90s.

A 2021 Fender Player Jaguar bass in tight all blue with a PJ pickup setup

of mine combined with a warm full sound of the precision bass pickup in the neck position with the scooped mid-range and bright treble of the jazz bass pickup in the bridge position

and also the 2021 Fender Player Telecaster with dual humbucker configuration in three color sunburst and finished with the decal of Bobby from King of the Hill with the devil costume

absolutely delicious.

I'd rather ram condemned sausage meat into my ears

In pursuit of emotional heft, I've added a clip from Henry's appearance on Margaret Caborn Smith's excellent podcast, Crushed.

Oh my lord.

In which he describes the tragic end of his first relationship.

I said too much in that recording.

It is my hope that his visceral reaction to being forced to relive this will only improve the listening experience.

Oh my god, this is going to be absolute torture for me.

I don't know.

Let's see.

Oh, my God.

Thanks, Adam.

Until next time, goodbye.

Bye.

Thank you.

Bye.

Well, so we used to go out for a bit and

in a sort of cool slightly lame weight like the seat

I was just massively in love with hugely music in Leicester and then to the extent that

the next holiday

we did I went to France with my family and I remember in France looking at the stars and thinking

you trace that one it looks a bit like a monthly calf

You're all right, Henry.

I'm in a very dark place.

But I do recommend Margaret's podcast, Crushed.

Henry was a guest.

It's a very good podcast.

Your episode was very funny.

Thanks.

I've not revisited it because I spoke from the heart too much, maybe.

I'm going to be visiting that.

Right now.

Now, get out.