Pasta

Yesterday, I think I came across an actual gangster.

Whoa.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Before I go any further, I've got a bad throat.

That's why I sound like this.

You're not trying to ape the gangsters.

Yeah, that was the voice.

It's not because you've joined his crew.

You wanted a crash course.

Ben, there's one thing I need to change about you to make you the hardest gangster in the history of the Easterns.

It's the voice.

That's all it is.

You've got everything else.

He's had you gargle some cheap whiskey in aggregates, hasn't he?

Until it's done the job.

So I was in London, which is where the gangsters live.

Yeah.

I was in, and it turns out this is where gangsters hang out.

And I wouldn't have foreseen this.

Yeah.

The big waterstones

on Piccadilly.

Of course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it really?

The big one on Piccadilly Circus.

These are West End-style gangsters.

Oh, yeah.

Rubbing shoulders with the glitterati.

Well, it's the only Waterstones with a cockfighting rink, isn't it?

On the fifth floor, there's a cockfighting rink.

And it is an ice rink, and those cockfights, as a result, are wonderful to watch.

They're absolutely fabulous.

And it's not surprising that gangsters coach in from around the world, don't they?

To watch those ice rink cockfights.

I mean, it's a good waterstone.

On one side, you have Piccadilly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you can also.

So we're talking, just to give people an idea of how magical it is, we're talking Lily Whites,

basically, effectively a giant sports direct.

Yeah.

We're talking...

Large boots?

Two-story boots, actually.

Two-story boots.

It's the boots with the longest

floss

of any boots, hasn't it?

You can only buy unreeled floss, can't you?

Yeah, you just chop a length off the reel.

Yeah, and there's a magical place, isn't it?

There's a big advert for Sanyo.

Is that still there?

Huge advert for Sanyo.

Does Sanyo still exist?

Not sure, but the advert's still there.

There's normally a few score Spanish teenagers being made to take a picture next to Eros, and I'm unsure why.

That's right, London's least interesting statue, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

Really tiny,

a fairly bodged job, I'd say, if you look at it up close, it's a pitiful business.

It's not of any real interest.

It's not doing anything to them emotionally.

It's saying nothing to them.

It's not a good sculpture.

He's got slightly squiffy eyes.

If you look up close,

I've never actually looked at at it he's got uh he's just he's just yeah exactly no one does that's the thing well he himself is part of a criminal gang is he not because he's there to distract people for long enough that someone can grab his healthy stick and make good their escape on the piccadilly line that's it his real name is is is uh two-foot archie peterson isn't it and he's um he's just a very very small gangster he was patina in the late 60s that's right and he's just sticking to his post uh it is a really crap weird bit of london though isn't it oh but it's magical ben um

You've got Piggersby Circus tube, which has, which has loads and loads of entrances.

Oh, yeah.

Which get you down into the kind of, it's a kind of rotunda format tube stop, isn't it?

Yeah.

It'll have a tiny news agent in it, which will

charge insane amounts of money for a pack of crisps.

I noticed yesterday that in Paddington Underground, you know, they have sometimes like a mini news agent down there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Paddington Underground has got a mini Bill Tong concession.

Who's buying Biltong Underground?

Was they queuing around the block?

Can I say something to you, Ben?

I know someone who's buying Bill Tong Underground.

Yeah.

His name is Henry Richard Aaron Packer.

Have you bought Biltong Underground?

I've bought Bill Tong Underground.

Because Bill Tong, I've substituted Bill Tong in for crisps in my life as much as possible.

Wow.

You're on a health kick?

Well, I'm just trying to, I'm taking, I'm, I'm taking part in the protein revolution, Mike.

I see.

Oh,

oh,

oh, yeah.

Come on, mate.

Yes.

Ah, I'm in agony and I absolutely love this.

Ah, more pain.

Crunch it.

Push it.

Flex it.

More pain.

Smash it.

Sprain it.

Way.

The path to beauty is prolapsed hemorrhoids.

Ah!

Henry's beefcake journey.

What's been discovered recently is that by dieticians, nutritionists, etc., is that

protein is actually the only thing you need, I think.

You can wear it.

You can pet it.

And protein, yeah, and Biltong is protein-rich.

What it does, which is quite, it has a few little bonuses that crisps don't do, but it's similar to crisps, and it comes in

a packet about the size of a, like a, I suppose like an average size, if you have to declaw and detail a London rat, an average rat,

and sort of squidge it, put it in a in a sort of breval toaster maker sort of squash it squad squadge it out

it's that that sort of size you know what i mean like a sort of um probably probably like a slight like a like a sort of cricket glove no whatever whatever that size is a pack of crows it's the same size yeah uh you get to open it at the top and you but but what um what it what it provides that crisps don't provide is which is great on the tube is as soon as you open that bill tongue everyone on the couch knows that you're eating bill tongue

it has this meaty generosity to it

Well, it's a meat feast guff, isn't it?

It's a meat feast guff.

Yeah, it's a boxing day guff, basically.

It's the morning after an Argentinian restaurant visit.

Exactly, that's right.

Yeah, it's an Argentine steakhouse guff.

It's a Boxing Day Guff.

It's a kind of family guff.

You know what I mean?

It's a guff that all the generations can enjoy.

It's rich in nostalgia.

It's a fish.

It's a high-quality process.

It's a very dewy-eyed,

rosy-coloured

spectacles guff, you could say.

Actually,

is the guff promising more actually life can deliver?

That's something that's the guff you're supposed to wear rose-tinted goggles to throw, isn't it?

Yeah, because Henry, you say dewy-eyed, I think it's more like bringing tears to the eyes of yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but bloodshot eyes,

yeah, if you're within a one-metre perimeter, it's bloodshot eyes, can be used to quell civil unrest,

yeah, that's right.

No, but because I am a bit self-conscious about it now, because um, in a lift or something, in a lift, if I'm eating that's brassy, can't wait, can't wait to get to floor two he's got to have his built-ong i've got to have a built-in but i i i basically i'm substituting it in for crisps crisp i used to eat always if i was on the go between a and b i was always eating crisps because otherwise how are you gonna

how you're gonna get it get through the experience you know what i mean

and then i've just found it like an emotional crotch yeah um and um

well with built-in it's it's a literal emotional crotch and then you're eating you're eating it's the crotch it's the goat crotch that they use isn't it

you're eating dry goat crotch Sending for more expensive buildings.

But I've also got into Bill Tongs, and there's a parallel universe, which is the world of jerky.

So I had my first jerky in my life last week.

Did you?

Yeah.

Okay.

It was from Liddle, my local Liddle.

And you know, they have stuff by the till to just get you to, oh, well, just have a, you know,

four kilos of jerky.

It's normally mints or like gum.

Mints, TS.

Yeah, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

In my local little, they've gone, it's Bill Tong and Jerky.

That shows how Liddle and MS are sort of approaching the market in a different way, isn't it?

Because MS has the corridor you go through before the Tills

is when we've talked about how deliciously indulgent

what they're offering is.

But you think you've made it through the shop.

Bill Tong enrobed in quality Belgian chocolate.

Buffalo throats.

Gorge.

Zipped up in in thick caramel.

Yeah, M ⁇ S has a thing, which is

there's the food, and then around the food, a lot of the supermarkets do this now, there's little packed little bags of things you probably shouldn't eat hung up.

Little bags of crisps, little bags of chocolate buttons and stuff all hung up around the other stuff.

So you think you made it through that, and then obviously you go through the corridor of

the ultimate chocolate corridor, isn't it?

Of caramel temptation.

Yeah.

Just before the tills.

And there, they're pulling out things you didn't even think could be enrobed in chocolate.

Yeah.

And if you dawdle for a moment, you yourself are going to have marshmallow piped up your ass before you get it.

Exactly.

So you've got to keep moving.

But it's things like, you know,

Andrew Lloyd Webber's fingernails

enrobed in salted caramel, dark, light milk chocolate.

And no, but they'll do things with pistachio nuts that are enrobed in chocolate and pretzels.

And it's like, Jesus fucking Christ.

So hard to get through.

But Little did it with meat.

Is that what you're saying?

Well, they've decided to go dried meat.

Because they're getting dried meat.

So I thought, oh, go on then.

I'll buy some jerky.

It was absolutely foul.

There was definitely a sense that you were using the last piece of meat mechanically recovered from the spine of the animal.

Yeah.

And anything else that could have been used on actual food.

It got dropped out of the back of a van and was left in the staff car park while they closed over summer.

And when they came back, they found this.

Pack it up, sell it to Ben Partridge.

But there's a sort of great, there's a kind of loophole where they're going, well, weirdly,

we can't legally feed this to hogs.

but no one's actually done the small print about if a fully grown man in in cardiff decides decides then it gets better judgment to put this inside his body legally he cannot touch us

and if he does it's going to be the trial of the century let's do it because we're going to bring on goats we're going to bring on

onyxes

it's going to be the witness lineup is going to be unreal

but it's basically dried cowanus right and stuff like that it's just yeah yeah yeah it's the worst bit necessarily fully dried.

Sometimes it's a bit moist.

You occasionally get a chewy bit, don't you?

Occasionally get a bit of texture.

Basically, I was chewing on one bit for so long and it wasn't breaking down at all.

Of jerky.

Yeah.

That I started to feel a bit nauseous.

And I was driving and I had to spit it out into my hand and I wasn't sure what to do with it.

And I sort of drove home with it in my hand.

I didn't want to throw it out the window because that would be grim.

Okay, well, one thing I'd say is you need to work on your sort of like savannah levels of digestion because it's your first jerky.

I think your body isn't used to so you need to

cowboy gut.

But also you haven't got that because you think about it these are animals of game aren't they eaten by tigers and stuff you probably need to sharpen your teeth.

Sharpen your teeth.

Do you regurgitate while eating for example?

Get it down, get it up.

Get it down, get it up, swim it around.

Into the mouths of your young.

Into the mouths of the young, for example.

It's a really lovely way of doing it.

It also helps make you tighter as a hunting pack

the jerky should be quite soft i think that might be condemned jerky um

which is it was funny you're not allowed to serve it to humans or hogs you're actually not even allowed to use it as a weapon

it was it was quite soft it was chewy that was the it was very chewy and it wouldn't go away it was just like it was like chewing gum it wasn't breaking down i couldn't like a sort of woolly wonker infini jerky yes exactly

maybe that's what it was i think i need to go for a higher-end built on or jerky than it could be that.

I think it's a good place to start, yeah.

Yeah.

But

Biltong is one of those things where I've seen it on shelves my whole life, and it just took one person, just said,

try Biltong, Henry.

Do it.

It's really good.

And I did it.

And I never looked back.

It just changed my life.

Mike, what's your driveway?

I'm a huge fan of.

I could eat Biltong all the live long day.

Yeah.

And I mean, it's in my blood, I think.

I mean, you've been to Namibia.

I went, yeah, and I brought back a great big, basically plastic bag full of huge strips of built-hong as a gift from my father.

And did he appreciate them?

He was like a pig in the proverbial.

He was very happy.

Oh, good.

It's nice, isn't it?

Because Biltong strips, of course,

you can weave into

a tank top or a...

Can't you?

Repair the bumper on your car.

Yeah, it's so versatile.

Yeah.

Anyway, I noticed recently you could buy underground.

Henry Wise Underground.

Why are we talking about that?

We're talking about Piccadilly Circus.

Waterstones.

Waterstones.

Yes.

so on one side piccadilly circus and there's also the back entrance into there from germin street okay home of high-end shoes and clothes and yeah people who look like butlers and shops where they call you sir hello sir it's the world center for oleagenous service isn't it

if you just go if you just want to just have a little little boost your self-esteem just go into one of those shops and browse yeah i'm terribly sorry sir thank you very much sir would you please

would you like to sit on this special stool, sir?

There's so much of that, isn't there?

Would you like me to caress you, sir?

It's really nice.

It's nice for a moment, then it gets really horrible.

Then it's too much.

It's extraordinarily obsequious.

Very young or very old men.

I don't know what they do with the ones in the middle.

Yes,

they're doing the actual serving.

They're out on the battlefield, Mike.

Oh, is that what it is?

Yes.

Too many layers of clothing, too many garments.

There's lots of garments.

There's lots of garments.

There's lots of waistcoats.

There's sort of pocket watches and fobs.

Bits of material poking out of pockets.

They really lay it on.

It's quite nice for five or ten minutes.

Just pop in and look around.

So I like walking on there because it's kind of fun.

If I ever go in any of the shops, which is pretty rare, they look at me like I'm scum, basically.

But they...

No, but well, they have two modes.

Yeah.

Because one is they have oleaginous service, but the other mode they have is...

Going through the motions of oleagenous service because you both know that they have to, but doing it in such a way where they let you know.

They're masters of Passag, aren't they?

Absolute Passag geniuses.

It's Passag and it's absolute extreme.

So will these be hunting shoes for your estate, sir?

I once went into one just because I was interested.

And there's the main bit,

and then there was obviously like a sort of back room that you could only go into.

If your forefathers had fought at the Battle of Hastings.

There was this kind of area at the back where you just couldn't get in.

And I was pretending that I had enough money to to buy these things, but we both both knew.

They knew.

Yeah.

They could smell the little built-ong on you.

Yeah, that would stick around for weeks.

Yeah.

And it's an important social market in situations like this, too.

Anyway, I was there, and then someone opened the doors to the back room.

And I peered through, and there was this young man in there who was probably 18 years old, 19 years old.

And he was like this little 18th-century prince.

And he was wearing like these velvet velvet shoes, and he was reclining in my mind on a sort of chaise-long.

I'm sure he was.

And they had these three elderly sort of butlers around him, just kind of like sort of priming himasuring bits of him.

Yeah, it was really weird.

And it was like they were preparing the prince for the parade.

It was like, I don't know what the fuck was going on.

You may have seen the real king.

See the real king.

You may have seen the actual king.

Yeah.

The other thing is, could it have been Daniel Radcliffe?

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, it was Daniel Radcliffe.

I'm thinking about it now, the person that was being slightly passed to me was very obviously Rupert Grint.

It was Rupert Grint, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Preparing for a role.

Yeah.

Because he's staying turkey as well.

Absolutely.

So you can tell that it was a role.

It wasn't a real deal.

Well, it's a fascinating world, isn't it?

There's also that there's shops up there.

There'll be like a shop that's just selling gentlemen's permades.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know there was a lot of stuff.

There's all that kind of stuff.

The cigar shops.

S to 1703.

Yeah.

Shops that are completely indifferent to the

roller coaster of the world outside.

Makes no difference.

To the tides of history.

Yeah.

And sort of financial crashes.

Nothing.

And blitzes.

Totally untouched by anything.

Yeah.

Because basically seven incredibly rich people will always need hatters.

And that doesn't seem to change.

But they're great to visit, though, shops.

They're to wander around.

Yeah, it's a great street.

Anyway, so between Piccadilly and that street is the the daddy waterstones

which is also quite a nice shop to have a look around it's an absolute whopper yeah it's just it's a it's it's the flagship of flagships if you're not from britain uh you won't know that waterstones is our premier high street bookshop it's our barns and noble i think

yeah sort of i guess yeah is it is that yeah

anyway i was in the cafe downstairs Which had done that thing where, you know, you go into a cafe and there's maybe like 90 minutes until it says it shuts.

And you ask ask for a drink and they go oh sorry the machine's off

and you just think well turn it on then

bent

the the other the only the other thing which really annoys me in cafes like that is

you're sitting there you know you've bought your coffee seven hours ago when it's when it opened

so you've tech you've done your bit but it's when they start when people start cleaning up around you and hovering and stuff and putting chairs on tables.

They're trying to drain your foot spa.

It's irritating, isn't it?

It's exactly.

And I'm like, and they're like, what are you doing?

Like, oh, we close in 45 minutes.

Well, then close it in 45 minutes, please.

Yeah, I agree.

You think.

But then you don't say anything.

Anyway, I was in there because I needed to find somewhere to go and edit an episode of Three Being Salad.

So you weren't being annoying at all to other people.

That was just blaring out across the...

Because you don't use headphones, do you?

You don't use headphones.

You're doing your live jingle composition, you've got your banjo set up, you've got your synths, your electric drum kit that works.

You're fouring like a hippo at your own jokes,

which I know is something you do when you're editing.

You just bought yourself a trombone from down the road, yeah, trying it out.

Anyway, so I had my headphones on, and I was getting on with it.

And then I just had enough of listening to our voices for a bit.

I was getting really annoyed.

I took the headphones off,

and there's a guy sat to my left, sort of old bloke, maybe like 60,

wearing, even though it was really warm yesterday, wearing like a really thick coat.

And I just heard him say these words: He's on the phone.

What?

Have they got you on CCTV?

Oh, shit.

No.

And then he goes, Don't worry, I'll sort it.

And then

the phone call was over.

Now that has to be...

I mean, someone's dead by now, aren't they?

Well, that's it.

Or they've been very seriously blackmailed.

CCTV itself has been blackmailed in London.

I'll sort it.

I'll sort it.

You don't want to hear those words, do you?

No.

Now I'm going to go and buy the heaviest, sharpest book in this shop.

Straight to the Margaret Atwoods, isn't it?

Straight to the Atwoods.

Yeah, the next chapter in your life is death.

By me.

Would you know him again if you saw him again?

Did he look like a gangster?

Did he have the

any mink?

No, maybe more like sort of common crim.

A sort of a fixer.

Sort of Mike from Better Call Saul.

Okay, so we're not talking suit.

He's not in a sort of very expensive...

He hasn't just bought a suit from German Street.

What's he in?

Is he sort of jeans and...

Yeah, jeans and a sort of tattie old coat.

But I think that the guy calling him maybe was calling from a salon where he was getting some beautiful velvet shoes being put on.

And he was calling up saying, oh, no, we've got a problem.

And this guy's like, don't worry, sir.

Don't worry, sir.

I'll sort it.

Yeah, but

he would have been in big trouble if his boss had found out that where he took that call was in the Cafe Waterstone.

That's not where he's going to be at all, is it?

He's supposed to be on the Roman Road somewhere, isn't he?

In a snooker club.

I'll sort it.

I've just got, just give me 10 minutes because I'm listening to some absolutely fantastic banter about mushrooms, which I just want to finish to see where these three people take the different ideas around mushrooms.

Come, He's Adie Smith doing a book signing in about 45 minutes, after which I'm right with you.

After that, I'll buy a pencil sharpener for my niece, and then I'm on my way.

Oh, you know, at the same time, I'll buy one of those head-sized pencil sharpeners to finish off the

cash.

Cash only.

But then, when he said it, I looked at him involuntarily.

And he gave me a look of like, oh, shit.

Like.

We understand each other.

Well, just he heard me or he knows that I'm up to no good?

Ben, you would have looked to all the world like a really guy, a really unsubtle person, like, bugging him, because you'd have had

the worst surveillance operator known to man, a series of microphones.

For some reason,

setting the surveillance tapes to musical jingles.

Why is he doing that?

Why is he putting a swanning whistle in this recording?

Yeah, he'd have thought, hang on, he's bugging me in plain sight.

Oh, he's good, this guy.

he's good but then i see i see in that you could actually somehow end up using this to get to the top of the criminalization organization yourself somehow this would be the beginning of the story of the film about how the um an average joe became to the top of the waterstones mob and i could i could see you been reclining on it on a chaise long yeah in a german street back room having having someone having an oleaginous man

sort of putting a a velvet slipper onto your foot.

Yeah.

And you saying, more tassels, you fool, more tassels.

Higher, higher, higher.

The slipper must go up to the neck.

The slipper must go up to my neck.

Sew me into the velvet.

I want my whole body to experience what a foot experiences in a velvet slipper.

And yet, if that involves wearing quite a silly-looking velvet conical slipper hat, I will do it.

Okay,

let's turn on the B machine.

Yes, please.

This week's topic was sent in

all the way from Bremen by Matt.

Thank you, Matt.

Thanks, Matt.

And it is

Pastor.

Right, I think

it's obvious where we start.

What's your favourite pasta?

I think it would say, which pasta shape would we be if we were anthropomorphised into pasta in Pixar's next Mega Smash?

These are both good questions.

Fusilini Packer.

The Pasta Banta Boys.

It wouldn't be called that.

It wouldn't be called the Pasta Banta Boys.

But you go through working titles, Ben, before you alight on finding Nemo.

It's allowed to be a flop.

It could be just a top-secret flop that just never sees the light of day.

They could do with a flop, flop, couldn't they?

They could do it could be, it could be the pasta back girl, yeah, exactly.

Everything destroyed, but or it's just a working title in the way, like

where's that little fishy fucker?

That was um finding Nemo.

That was the first pitch meeting, wasn't it?

That's the first pitch for anything where is that little fishy fucker?

Very much aimed at an adult audience, yeah.

Oh, uh, Lion King, Revenge of the Mega Pussy,

wasn't it?

So they go through

different titles to light on the right one.

Well, i think if we were all pastors it depends do you mean physically or emotionally or was it your question that was your question

yes

i think it's a dangerous game because i think i'm going to get assigned a dry lasagna sheet that's what i'm worried about oh god you know what that reminds me of something about pasta when americans called them noodles and they called lasagna sheets lasagna noodles do they yes that's mad that's insane yes sorry american listeners that's mad so much to say about pastor i just think this is too much

let's deal with the two questions on the table first.

Did we do mine first?

Right.

Today on 3B and FM, we're talking, what's your favorite pasta?

Let us know.

Is it Conchigly?

Do you like a Penne?

Please get in touch.

This is Phil Collins.

Barbara

in Stanwick is saying, I prefer rice.

No, that's not the question, Barbara.

Please stop ringing in.

So I'm going to answer this question with my feet.

All right.

Cheesy pasta.

Con fungi.

Mushroomy, cheesy, fungi, fungi alf, cheese elf.

No, but

I think the answer to this is whatever pasta we've got in our cupboard, right?

Which one do we choose?

Or have you got loads?

We've got a few, but we get through a hell of a lot of penne.

We get through a hell of a lot of spaghetti.

But these are just,

these are the quotidian pastas.

That's what I was about to say.

So I've got a whole cupboard full of penne.

Is penne my favourite?

No.

No, sir.

Because you can't always have your favourite.

Yes,

You marry Penne, but you shag contrigli.

Potentially.

Is that what you're saying?

And who do you kill?

You kill Ravioli.

Okay.

No, the worst pasta is that little one that's pretending to be rice, Orzo.

Oh, big fan of Orzo, sorry.

Oh, great.

Recent convert.

Recent convert to Orzo.

In what situation, though, is it only for in soups?

It's quite good to scatter on the floor if you're being chased by an Italian mafiosi, isn't it?

Just scatter it.

It's a defense defense pattern.

Particularly if they're chasing you on mopeds,

thin-wheeled mopeds.

Yeah.

Now, what do you do with also, Mike?

I have found that they're quite useful in a sort of sausage-y, something a bit like a stew, but they're small.

Yeah, that kind of thing.

You wouldn't have a potato in it, but

it's thickened up.

Maybe you're chucking in a few lentils, maybe you're not.

A couple of pulses.

It's up to you.

It's Italian bulk, isn't it?

It's bulking.

It's bulking.

Yeah.

It's a great bulk.

It's a spongy bulker.

And of course, Italian mafiosis, and originally these were used,

they would pour them down their sleeves to bulk up their bods, wouldn't they?

Well, that's what mafioso means.

That's what mafiosi means.

Spongy bulca.

It means spongy bulka.

Because it bulks you up, doesn't it?

There's no way those Italian guys are that beefy.

It's because they've, and it's a relatively cheap way of doing it.

Obviously, you could do it with meat, but it's much more expensive, so you do it with pasta.

Often donkey meat.

Or donkey meat.

But of course, a donkey ragu, if it's cooked really slowly,

it's actually perfectly nice, isn't it?

Leave the head in as a stock.

Did I tell you that when I was on a holiday in Sicily earlier this year, the sort of BNB where I was staying was next to a donkey butcher?

Really?

Yeah.

You didn't tell us that.

Please tell us that.

It was a horse and donkey meat butcher.

Horse and donkey.

There's nowhere to turn.

I mean, you have to turn to donkey because,

you know, horses are the most magnificent of creatures.

Do they draw the line at mules?

Where's the...

So is a mule a donkey

horse hybrid?

So a donkey, a mule is creative if any quadruped ungulate has sex with another quadruped ungulate of a different species, e.g.

camel and giraffe,

zebra and donkey, elephant and oryx, elephant and oryx, and you create an elephoryx or a

geronchi

or a giraffe.

They're all identical.

They all look the same and they're under the collective term of mule.

And it means that essentially they can have sex, but they cannot reproduce.

They can go hell for leather.

And they do.

They absolutely do.

They are like Mick Jagger in in his absolute late 60s pomp.

But that is no protection against equine herpes.

Let's be absolutely clear.

Which, can we be clear?

That is still incurable.

If you're a butcher, it'll ruin the meat.

And what it does is, which is particularly annoying for the butchers, but it runs it through a bit like a watermark, doesn't it?

With the word herpes appears every three or four inches along the grain of the meat.

So it's very hard to pass.

And the letters themselves are made up of the word herpes in tiny, tiny writing.

So you can try and carve that word up.

Try and carve it up.

But no matter how small the piece of meat, it's it still says herpes made of herpes, it's completely fractal in that respect.

Yeah, herpes by herpes,

the new fragrance.

Okay,

I wish I didn't still have to say this, but I still do have to say this.

Massaging yoghurt into the meat will not make a difference.

It'll make it go down a little smoother.

It'll go down smoother, but also the herpes will be smoother, which is worse.

You know, that was smooth herpes.

The title of phil collins' first solo album

what was good about this butcher as well was that on the front of it they had a daily live price per kilogram live live live price this is like the stock market

like 1980s stock market in the sicilian

but but with just a chalkboard to be like today donkey is five euros a kilogram but horse is nine oh no the donkey markets have gone crazy

and you have butchers hurling hurling themselves off bungalows and just bruising their heads a bit and

then going back to work.

By the way, is that a form of national stereotyping, what I've just done there?

You do keep worrying about this, but you do keep doing it again.

I know, but I think if you say you're worried about it, it means it gives you sort of carte de blanche.

You're doing it.

You're having your donkey meat and eating.

Having your donkey meat and eating, exactly.

So the donkey meat prices were changing throughout the day?

Well, they were certainly changing daily.

So you'd be there hovering, wanting a donkey meat sandwich, and just go, do I go now?

do I go, net, wait, wait, better, went, better, but I'm not going to be a bitch.

Maybe I wait, the Corsican donkey imports will be coming in any day now.

Maybe that's going to cause the market to crash and that's the time to buy a donkey.

Yes.

Just keep your nerve, Ben.

Hold your bloody nerve because there's a discount donkey burger coming your way.

What was the kind of financial mechanism which worked out the price of donkey meat?

I couldn't work it out.

How do you work out the price of donkey meat?

I think Mike's right.

There may be someone's down at the port watching the ships come in to see whether there is a big donkey

haul.

I'd say donkey is the opposite of gold as a commodity, and it's incredibly volatile.

Because how much is a donkey worth?

I mean, just now, I couldn't tell you.

I mean, I don't know.

I mean, do you know what I mean?

Like, how do you know?

It's changed from the beginning of the sentence to the end of the sentence.

Exactly.

It's so quick.

Because a lot of it's cultural information, like how much do we value donkeys.

For example, in the times of Aesop, donkeys were very, very highly valued.

Also,

like around Easter, donkeys become a bit more prominent.

People who

maybe will reenact Palm Sunday so they won't do donkey meat.

Then the donkeys are on the way up.

So there's a good time to sell donkey meat.

Also, the Shrek films created complete chaos in the donkey market.

Complete chaos.

Well, it opened up a whole new market, didn't it?

So

younger people, much younger people are buying

donkey meat for the first time.

Also, it's good Italian bulk, isn't it?

If you want to bulk out a stew in an Italian way.

A donkey stew, for example.

Yeah.

And that was, what's your favourite pasta?

So let's ask you first, Henry.

Oh.

What's your favourite pasta?

What's your favourite pasta?

Well, I think

at the moment I've got shells.

Contrary.

I've got shells.

Obviously, different pastas do different things with the sauce.

So the shell, the sauce sits in the shell and creates like a little kind of hand

you need a thicker sauce for that then don't you i find you want to you want a bit of mozzarella melted through whatever you've made there so sticks it all together a bit like yeah good good with a thick sauce i think as a kid i really loved the bow ties

yeah is that fafale fafale

la fafale i love the fafale penne i think is your is your sort of stalwart gets you gets you through gets you through life doesn't it gets you through the hard times penne it's always there for you it's fun the way the sauce fills up the tube.

Are we classing Nokia as a pastor?

No.

Mike, Mike.

No.

Mike.

Sinbin.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, sinbin.

Mike is excluded from the banter for the next 60 seconds.

It's a new rule, which I think is important that we do.

I'm going to time it.

I'm timing it.

No one will notice.

So what we need to do, Ben, we need to not overcompensate.

I'll tell you what, I'll do a bit of Mike stuff.

Ow,

Hang on a minute.

Maybe we don't need Mike.

Okay.

Close the doors of the sin bin.

Open it through to the other arena, which is the one with 57 feral bulls in it.

Release Mike into the feral bull arena.

Hey, hey, hey, you get back.

You won't be afraid.

Good job, this horn.

Three, two,

one.

Welcome back, Mike.

Am I supposed to be contrite, or have I been punished?

You've changed enough.

No, you'd be punished enough.

You can choose, though.

You can be contrite, or you can be like the bad boy.

Like Eric Cantona, you know, like come back on and be like, what?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Or say something about like Chinese egg noodles or something.

Off, off, he's off again.

It's another sinbin, Mike.

Sorry, it's another sin bin.

That's not pasta.

Seriously, do we need a mic, though?

Do we need a mic?

We're doing it again.

So, you know a pastor I've got into recently, which is quite a high-end pasta.

I was introduced to by quite a high-end friend.

Oh, tell me more.

It's called Oracchiete.

Is that the little elephant ear?

Round things.

Little round things.

They're a bit like a sort of button that's been slightly thumbed through by an Italian mama.

Each one is separately thumbed by a separate Italian mama, who is then executed.

So that we guarantee you're the only unique recipient of that Italian's mama pasta thumb.

So and it just gently cups a little bit of sauce, maybe two or three fragments of donkey.

It's a really good one.

But yeah, it takes a little bit more boiling than here's the thing about pasta that's annoying.

Those boil times A,

impossible to find on the packet.

Where is it?

Where's the boil time?

That's all I need to to know.

That's because you're buying high-end pasta.

Because your one says on the front, 10 minutes, mate.

Yeah, yeah, 10 minutes in the microwave.

10 minutes in the microwave.

And each pasta thing has got a little spout to insert the ketchup.

Exactly.

Eat it over the sink.

You're done.

And when I find the minutes, they've undermined it by several mins.

They'll say 10, it's 12.

They'll say 9, it's 12.

They'll say 8, it's 12.

And is that because the Italians,

they prefer it a little bit?

Aldende.

Yes, Mike.

Can I say, knowing that phrase was impressive in London in 1981?

And sometimes they have al dende pass.

Al fresco.

Oh, for the love of 1982.

1982.

And sometimes they'll have it with cheese on.

1972.

Yesterday, I went to an Uzbek restaurant.

Wonderful.

What does that entail?

What kind of food are we talking?

I think it has in common with everywhere in Central Asia, which I think is basically what you just do is you get some lamb

and you cook it in a big thing of rice and then all the lamb juice goes in the rice.

And then they sort of chuck some pomegranate seeds on it or something.

A bit of raisin sort of business.

Sounds good.

It was damn, damn fine.

Sounds lovely.

You probably realised I was busy yesterday anyway, so yeah.

So it's no, it's fine because I was.

There's no problem.

I was busy.

I would, yeah, I couldn't have.

You were right.

I couldn't have come.

Yeah.

So, yeah, you were right.

So, no, you were right.

The answer would have been and was no, I can't come.

Sorry.

Yeah, you were right to not initially text me.

Yeah, good shout.

Just on the off chance.

But sorry, mate.

And also, I hope you're not offended because I just really was took too much work on, so sorry.

I did genuinely consider asking you to come actually.

Ah, thanks, you considered it.

And then you didn't wave it through.

You overruled yourself.

Run it up the flagpole.

Run it down again.

And then run up a picture of my skull.

Thanks very much.

Yeah, it was busy.

It was midweek.

Oh, but Henry, you should be touched that you were even considered a dejected person.

The fact that I was considered rejected.

Because there's some people that would.

Should I tell you my thought process?

Wouldn't have even been considered then rejected.

I thought I might ask Henry.

And then I thought, well, we spent quite a lot of time together recently.

We'd spent the weekend together.

I've been enjoying it.

Yeah, but fine, yeah.

Hasn't a problem with that.

Gone.

Which I also enjoyed.

But I thought that you might be like, oh, I can't be fucking, I've seen enough of him.

But then you might feel obligated to come because I've asked you.

I got into a real like head state about that.

Oh, yeah, it's tricky, isn't it?

You know what?

My little watchword is: I always choose kindness.

But maybe that's me being stupid.

Yeah, probably.

That's not right for the times, is it?

A man out of time, isn't it?

I value things like kindness and

spending time together with people.

Loyalty.

Loyalty.

They're just stupid old idiot values duty duty

i wish you're there i'll tell you why because because i was on my own

well you chose you didn't even go with someone else you haven't built yourself rather than me i was bet i wasn't even as good as no one

i got pipped in the post by no one did i

oh that was a photo finish between henry and no one and no one won

oh cheers So it's just me in the bronze position and you in gold and there's no one in silver.

If I still didn't get silver, it's got bronze sort of sort anyway.

Didn't we get bronze?

I didn't even get bronze.

It's not placed.

Wasn't placed.

Oh, dear.

Oh, God.

I wish you'd come because, partly because it would have been nice.

I don't know why I didn't ask you really.

Partly because I was on my own, which I do a lot and it's fine.

The waiter decided to talk to me quite a lot.

I just didn't want.

You know what he needed there?

Fanjambo.

Well, that's what we invented Fanjambo for, which is a system whereby people know that you don't, you're not, it's not rude.

It's fine.

You let people know that you don't, you're someone that doesn't want to chat to anyone, but you wear a t-shirt that's a fanjambo and a hat with fanjambo.

Because also, my sore throat was really bad, so I could barely speak yesterday because it was like it really felt like daggers.

Yeah.

And I was trying to make this quite clear to him, but he's kept talking to me.

And then he saw my banjo and he said, What kind of instrument is that?

And I said, It's a banjo.

And he was really interested in it to the extent that he literally said, You could play it for me now.

Oh, my God.

Nice.

You fucking paid the price for not inviting me.

That is karma.

And I was being asked to play banjo live in a restaurant.

Yeah.

I declined.

Wow.

By Henry Packer in disguise as an Uzbek waiter.

Enjoy your meal by yourself, will you, Ben?

We'll see about that.

Play for me.

Play for me.

Were there other people in the restaurant?

Yeah.

Fucking hell, that would have been annoying if you were someone.

And no offense, you're a very good banjo player, but of course I'm a good player.

I usually enjoy a restaurant.

Yeah, it was really strange.

So you refused?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

There was no question about that.

I'd have loved it if you'd played and...

And that was the price of your meal.

Was it

An old school minstrel.

Yes.

We've heard your boundo playing, and you now owe us £47.

Sorry, sir.

It's backfired.

And we've cancelled your coffee.

And we're going to ask you to regurgitate the lamb, please.

Please regurgitate the lamb.

So what is your favourite pasta?

Did we ever get that far?

Today on 3B Navy and we're talking, what's your favourite pasta?

It's a different answer every week, but

I'll say Shells.

I do like Shells.

Yeah, they are.

I think they're up there for me as well.

I do really like the Shells.

Mike, what's your answer?

I think I'm going to go with my new fan with the little ones that I can't remember the name of.

Orzo.

Orzo.

Nice.

Yeah, big shout out to Orzo.

Bit of a dick move, though, sort of saying that, I think.

That's your answer?

Because you couldn't have a plate of Orzo with stuff on it.

I mean, it'd be

you'd be eating so many bits of individual pasta, just the maths of it would blow your mind.

Spoons for, mate.

You're talking to a yogurt eater.

It's not an issue.

I've got spoons.

Yeah, okay.

And for me,

Big Daddy Tagdatelli.

Oh,

yeah.

It's fat.

It's fat spaghetti.

It's fat spaghetti.

Time to read your emails.

Yes, please.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

Our email address is threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

And we've had an email from Hannah.

Hello, Hannah.

Thanks, Hannah.

With the subject title, Digestive Tract Talk, Quorn Edition.

Oh, lovely.

Okay.

Dear Beans, in your most recent episode, Mushrooms, you speculated about whether Quorn is made of mushrooms.

I can categorically tell you that it is not.

How do I know, you ask?

Because mushrooms don't turn me into a sobbing, hallucinating fountain of vomit and diarrhea, as corn does.

Okay.

Apologies in advance to the corn marketing board, but corn is made of a sort of cultivated mold, which, while in the same taxonomic kingdom as mushrooms, brackets in the same way that humans are in the same kingdom as oysters, is very much not a mushroom.

And to any vegetarians out there, please don't be tempted to ever secretly feed your friends corn instead of meat at a dinner party and then say triumphantly, ha, you didn't notice, but that was corn.

Because corn allergies such as mine are not that uncommon, and you might find yourself with a big clean-up job on your hands.

Hope that helps, Hannah.

Oh, good lord.

Poor Hannah, victim of a corn ambush by someone she trusted.

Cultivated mold.

I think we as a species are going to have to get a little bit less prissy about the idea of cultivated mold,

aren't we?

If we're going to make it long term in this universe.

Because cultivated mold is going to be...

Are you saying that people like Hannah aren't going to be welcomed into the bunker?

I think they might not get in the bunker.

They also might not get on the three-beamed spaceship.

spaceship.

Because cultivating mold, the cultivation of mold, that'll be like a high court judge one day, mold cultivator.

Yeah.

Won't it?

Their top job.

That's our feature.

Okay, well, don't worry.

I'm going to build a separate cannibal bunker to which you're invited, Hannah.

I think she's a vegetarian, though, isn't she?

Nope.

Great.

She might be.

I don't know if she said either.

She might be.

We don't know.

It wasn't clear, but she definitely has a vegetarian friend.

Okay, yeah.

Tom Tom is hemothers from Worcester.

Hello, Tom.

This is a long one, but it's a good one.

Okay.

Dear Beans, I was pleased to hear your recent celebration of the West Midlands Safari Park as a top-tier bank holiday destination.

Yeah, that's right.

So, again, just to recap for people that may have forgotten, if you can't go to the West Midlands.

There's a safari park, isn't there, called this West West Midlands Safari Park, which is actually...

In the West Midlands.

That's the only rub.

They've put it in the West Midlands.

It's a safer way to do it, though, isn't it?

It's a safe way to do it.

And also, if you just wander around the West Midlands itself, and you don't guarantee, because the West Midlands world will guarantee you the big six.

You'll see, an accountant, someone who works in Ryman's.

Lollipop lady.

Two sorts of carpenter.

Two sorts of carpenter.

A lollipop lady and a leopard.

So it's more of a banker

for a trip with a family, isn't it?

Your description of the park's main attraction as driving really quite close to some people from the West Midlands is actually pretty much spot on.

As a 17-year-old worker in 2002, I myself became a temporary exhibition.

Wow.

Crikey.

At the end of a long shift, I joined a colleague in the process of closing up the enclosures that separated the beasts, I assume, to reduce the chance of interspecies lovemaking.

In this instance, my task was to stop a potentially horrifying rhino-wallaby hybrid.

And to do so, I had to cross a castle grid and close a gate.

So, Tom's not worried about sort of escape or consumption food chains.

He thinks it's all about he's worried about fucker tickle, fucker tickle, fucker tickle, fucker tickle, fucker tickle.

yeah is that a horde on your face or are you just glad to see me

hey i know i'm an ungulus and you're a um terrapin but uh

what say we do this

that sort of thing yeah yeah creating a that creates a terra cow by the way if a cow sucks a terrapin you get a terra cow tiny terrapin tiny it looks like a terra tiny terrapin but it's got actual cow sized udders on it just to bounce around on like a space hopper like a space hopper

i easily managed the first half and arrogantly decided to walk lengthways across the cattle grid to finish the job lengthways how do you walk lengthways oh you can't do that because you need to go against the grain of the of the grain with i see walking with the grain walking with the grain in the pissing rain this arrogance cost me dearly oh i slipped down the grid and owing to a now painfully inflamed knee became lodged what Let's not forget he's in the middle of a zoo as well.

That's the worst place to get lodged in that way.

He's in the middle of an engine.

Because suddenly it's feeding time.

And you're the main course.

You're today's special.

For the rhinos.

For the rhinos.

My colleague's initial response was, of course, to laugh hysterically.

I, however, was more panicked.

At that time, and to my cost, the park didn't employ any specialists in the removal of 17-year-olds from cattle grids.

So, after a group was assembled to inspect the scene, Bruce, a large tattooed man in charge of maintenance, was called.

But every safari park is legally bound to have someone called Bruce.

His initial attempts, attempts, all brute force, only made matters worse, with my knee now several inches too large to pass the bars.

But Bruce will always use brute force, won't he?

Bruce, he's not.

He doesn't have a delicate touch, does he?

First will be brute force, second will be brute force plus Vaseline.

Yeah, that's all he's got.

Next, Bruce set about prizing the grid apart

with a long steel pole.

Lovely.

Still, I remains now fully soaked and feeling as though it was probably time to embrace life as a roadside curio.

Thankfully, a bright spark in the crowd had a plan.

Bringing to the party a lubricant primarily used in the artificial insemination of elephants.

Artificial insemination.

Doesn't he just mean insemination?

Oh, no, he doesn't.

No.

So it'd be Bruce wearing an elephant penis, won't it?

Well, dressed as.

Dressed as an elephant penis.

Second, I just literally don't understand.

Are they using...

They're not using elephant semen.

Because Because that would be.

I hope so.

They are using elephant semen.

No, hang on.

Not to get him out of the cattle grid.

Well, they're using to get him out of the cattle.

Do you mean to get him out or for the artificial intimidation?

So what's happened is the person writing the email has used the euphemism.

No, they haven't.

Or is using suggested language.

Are they not?

I don't think there's any.

I think it's pretty bolt-on.

He's played it with a straight back.

So what's he saying?

They're using lube.

Not semen.

When they're doing artificial intimidation of elephants, they are using an elephant semen.

Well,

I assumed he meant elephant semen.

That's what they use for the artificial insemination of elephants, is elephant semen.

Well, plus the lube

for the deployment instrument.

You're going to lube up Bruce in his costume.

Okay, okay, okay.

Otherwise, it's going to be too dry.

So, there's two things you've got.

If you want to artificial inseminate an elephant, you need two things.

You need lube, you need elephant semen.

Actually, you need three things.

We also need Bruce.

So, Bruce reached for the lube.

Yeah.

The elephant lube.

My trousers were cut, and my leg was generously lubed up.

This, along with Bruce's bar prizing and the strength of a man under each arm, secured my release.

Thank you for bringing back these memories.

Yours, Tom from Worcester.

Oh, wow.

That's an amazing.

I'm imagining that story as directed by Steven Spielberg in Jurassic Park feel to it.

You mean like,

I'm trapped.

I'm gonna.

I need lube.

I need, I need

quick because the animals are coming.

I don't know.

It's got a kind of real silhouette of a pygmy hippo exactly.

That's no pygmy hippo.

But remember, it is about five times smaller than its own silhouette.

Don't have to turn on the panic just yet.

This is from Daniel.

Hello, in your latest episode, one of you mentioned German pork sushi.

I present to you Metigel,

brackets, image attached, a German raw pork party food.

Oh my God.

Can you explain what we're seeing here?

It looks like a hedgehog in a sauna,

but with pickles instead of feet.

Pickles instead of feet.

It looks like little sort of crisps as the spikes of the hedgehog.

I think it's raw onion.

Is it?

What are the eyeballs?

What are they doing for the eyeballs and the nose?

Olives?

Those are hedgehog eyeballs.

Okay.

Oh, my God, that is.

So it's raw pork mince shaped into the shape of a hedgehog, and it's served at parties, apparently.

I've never heard of that.

Have you come across that, Ben?

You've travelled Germany quite extensively, Ben.

No, no, no.

I've never come across it.

I want to know where he found this.

It's on Wikipedia.

So it's also known as the hackter pita.

It's a preparation of minced raw pork seasoned with salt and black pepper

and served in the shape of a hedgehog.

You know the look of terror in its eyes?

What's that about?

Is that because it knows what it is?

It just wants you to eat it as soon as possible.

Having reached that understanding.

Because it's got exactly the expression you would have on your face, I think, if you were...

a sort of meat hedgehog.

Just absolute horror.

If you'd just been peeled and served.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, there's not enough pickle to make that go down smooth there.

You'd need all the pickle in the world.

Do you remember a while ago we had an email from someone who worked at an insurance company?

And they had a claim where someone had crashed their car into the central reservation because they were laughing at three-been salads.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm returning with good news, says this person.

hidden behind some initially worrying developments.

At first, the insurance company were unwilling to pay out, and they tried to argue that the driver had been unlawfully distracted.

However, on appeal, a judge, and I think we all know who this was,

decided that this was nonsense.

And to quote from the file, to accuse the driver of being distracted by the radio would be to accuse the radio of negligence for being funny.

Clearly, this is absurd.

Brilliant.

The driver received a full payout.

We're officially non-negligent.

Yes.

That's the best review I've ever had.

In the annals of

the British courts.

So the driver got a payout from his insurance company for the damage to the car or whatever.

Yeah.

Whereas they were trying to argue that

it was dangerous listening to a show this smoking hat

on the highways and byways.

But I think we do know who that judge was, don't we?

Yeah.

When we say we know who the judge is, by the way, in case people don't know what we're talking about, we're referring to, we do have a

fan, don't we, who's very high up in the...

Well, who became a magistrate because we advertised the idea of being a magistrate.

Is that what happened?

Yeah.

Well, we gave him the idea to be a magistrate in the first place.

Well, we were employers.

We made them.

How did that happen?

And now we own them.

We did an advert for being a magistrate.

Oh, yes.

I forgot that.

Do you remember?

Because

of your passion to get people involved in magisterial processes.

I remember now that

I am passionate about magisterial behaviour.

And that's why we did the ad.

Yeah.

Just quickly, as a podcast, just for the record, we don't believe in trial by jury.

I think I actually do.

I, yeah, I don't.

No, it's magistrates all the way.

Yeah.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com.

Forward slash three bean salad.

Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

If you'd like to do so, go to patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

And you can find probably more pasta talk.

You didn't get all the pasta talk.

Oh no.

Well, as we said, we always cook a little bit more pasta-related banter than we need.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You do indeed.

Where Mike spent the evening last night.

Oh, what a night.

Yes, it was a good night, wasn't it, yesterday?

Because it was how many Wasabi peas can you carry, night?

It was indeed.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was how many wasabi peas can you carry nights last night at the Sean Bean Lounge?

A massive effigy effigy of Professor Wasabi was hoisted up in the Colin Cakebread Clone Memorial Suite before being set upon with snooker cues by Ed Hookway, Rosa Tomalin, George Keowan Welsh and J.P.

Pinata style until it burst open, spilling forth thousands of competition regulation wasabi peas alongside the body of Hudson Coates, who'd accidentally been sealed into the effigy by Jarrett Chemlian.

Rowan T, Ben Lark and Ursula Aber, unable to contain their excitement, thoughtlessly grabbed fistfuls of the Wasabi peas and cavorted them about the room, but quickly realised they weren't in the running for a podium when they saw Abigail Lepwing, Drusaya and Simon Latours cramming every pocket and orifice of Paul O'Shea with Wasabi peas.

An ordeal which required Maggie Queen of Beans Nolan to seize power of attorney over Paul, Chris Johnston to appear as a witness and Angus Todd to be deputised as an honorary Wasabi sub-sheriff.

Paul's horseradish tears could have been spared however, as Lemoleon was already carrying far more Wasabi peas in a specially constructed 20-gallon hat designed designed by Tom Sharman and built out of the many poorly chosen and discarded hats of Jack Samuel Warner, who can't come to terms with the brutal fact that the only hat that suits him is a boater.

Kirioth, Todd Mattson and Frank Ewell were also competitive with a three-way Wasabi P juggling ring, but despite transporting 63 Wasabi Ps from one side of the room to the other, those P's were deemed to be more airborne than carried, and the trio failed to place in the final.

Similarly disappointed were Michelle Cann, whose 4,000 Wasabi P hologram fooled no one, largely due to a cameo in the middle of the peas by Benny Anderson, and father and son team Matt and Jack Jones, who tried to sufflate a legion of peas with helium, but got caught in the meshwork and shot up directly through the ceiling and into the upper atmosphere, where they are currently awaiting rescue by Richard Branson.

Alex Horn, not that one, Rob T.

Liam and Bryn all attempted to use non-regulation sticky wasabi peas and were castigated by the Right Honourable, the Venerable Lord Sir Christopher Wood, caked in Wasabi by John Nichols, nibbled by Chris Nevin, with the remains converted into pig feed by Drew Tyson, and donated to Matthew Bradley's Sanctuary for Shunned Swine.

On the other end of the spectrum, breaking a personal record for Wasabi P body crevice carriage was Luke Pilkington, while Mike Bryn and Ben Smith failed to score highly but delighted onlookers with their ornate leguminous palanquin.

Henry Richardson got the silver deploying a multi-p pocket mustard-proof onesie gifted to him by Lily and Tom, but the winner was definitely probably Charlotte, who, despite being less than a week old, has mastered everything Mother Fiona knows about aerodynamics, everything Father David knows about telekinesis, and everything Uncle Ross knows about hot air, enabling her to balance 18,746 Wasabi Ps on her left knee.

She was also found carrying one in her right hand, but that might have just been a grasp reflex.

Congratulations, probably Charlotte, and thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

And this is from Nick, who says he's mainly in North Yorkshire, but currently in Japan.

Nice.

Well done, Nick.

Lovely.

Dearest Beans, as I'm one of the jammiest people around, I'm currently in Japan having a lovely time.

Great.

I can't recommend it highly enough, particularly if you have some other people who will do the vast majority of the work for you.

What's the work?

Hmm.

What's the work?

What's the work?

What are you doing over there, Nick?

Does Nick understand what Japan is?

Nick, did they see you on CCTV?

Don't worry, I'll sort it.

We're going to have to write a Spurrus email saying that you're in Japan.

But I suppose it is true.

When you go on holiday,

mostly other people are doing the work.

So when you go on holiday, trains, fireman, train operators.

That's true of non-holiday type.

People cooking saunis.

Supplying the Rymans.

Yeah, stuck in those Ryman shelves, stuck in those...

At least say you're in Japan, but what we can't claim is that you were doing any of the work.

Yeah, that alibi will fall apart.

Maybe this is a visa thing.

We have to make it clear that he's not doing any work while

which actually makes me start to suspect he was actually doing quite a lot of the work.

Is it the president of Japan?

They are currently trying to pick a new PM, aren't they?

Maybe Nick's in the running.

Yeah.

Okay, Nick.

While waiting in an intense thunderstorm for our Metro train to arrive.

Again, driven by someone else, I'd imagine.

Yeah, there's no way he was driving that metro train, nor was he providing forecasts in relation to that weather.

Something caught my ear.

From what I've gleaned, I think that when Tokyo Metro drivers are working alone, they play a little piece of music, so you know that when it ends, the doors are closing.

These seem to vary from station to station and from line to line, but this particular one seemed familiar and hauntingly beautiful.

I thought it might be of interest.

A very good bean to you all, Nick.

Well, we'll listen to that at the end of the show.

Thank you very much.

Most interesting.

Thank you to everyone for listening.

Thank you.

See you next time.

Terra.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

Right, how easily can you sue someone in Japan?

I mean, incredibly complicated, Ben, but I think it's probably worth it.

You'll be taking on the might of the whole Japanese state, though.

We're coming for you, Tokyo.

And we've got a man on the inside.