Mushrooms

Shall I start by addressing the elephant in the room?

Please.

Yeah.

Henry's wearing a pair of glasses with only one arm.

Ben, you're such a

bastard.

I thought you were going to say that I had Sherlock Holmes style skills.

Because not only are you wearing only one arm on your glasses, I can deduct what exactly that says.

Because this morning, were you not strolling through Regent's Park?

Damn you, yes.

Carry on.

When a three-armed vagabond

recited upon you a poem that you hadn't heard since childhood,

causing you to spill your custard cream down your legs.

And the only way out of that awful pickle I was in was to yank one of my glasses arms off

and board the tiny little paddle steamer.

The tiny little paddle steamer

to Rangoon.

To Rangoon.

And of course, the only way to operate the crank on the engine is with the right hand arm or leg of a pair of glasses.

Yeah, and I could detect that because of the small speck of oil on your forehead, which could only come from that class of paddle steamer.

That's right.

And of course, my I Love Rangoon t-shirt.

iHeartRG.

also works for I love Richard Gear so you can wear it both you can wear it to um

you can wear it to uh Richard Gear Con 2024 I think I picked mine up as

it also works for trips to Rangoon so it's um really really handy yeah no you know yes I have an arm has fallen off my glasses I was hoping

I thought I might get away with the whole pod without you noticing Because, you know, there are some things where you go,

hang on a minute.

Have I ever actually...

does mike have three poached eggs on his head does he always you know like sometimes there are things that have always been there but you've not noticed and someone tells someone but it's too late to sort out because it's time to record it's too late to sort out but you know for example here's a good question

at any given time i couldn't tell you which of my friends wears glasses or not it's one of those things where you because you see it every day you stop you you forget whether you do see it henry henry henry you're talking to a modern sherlock holmes in my case and my compadre mike wozniak Wozniak, slash Dr.

Watson.

That's right.

Dr.

Watson of Son.

Yeah, exactly.

But we take it all in.

We've seen it all.

Because I carry a service revolver with me wherever I go.

Never been frisked.

Getting away with it so far.

And I'm really into opium.

I'm still going to refer back to my previous point, though, actually.

There are friends of mine who I'm not sure if they wear glasses or not.

Well, I don't think of you, Henry, as a glasses wearer.

Exactly.

But I think that's because your publicity photographs don't have them on.

Well, also, also they're a later arrival aren't they yes there i didn't used to wear glasses because i actually only started wearing glasses quite shortly after i designed the bean logo so i haven't got them in the bean logo no so i'd have to go back and change the bean logo also as i've already opened up on this podcast i don't know if it made the edit you know i'm open to the idea of hair replacement surgery it did make the edit yeah yeah well you would you would know if it made the edit because you'd have listened to the edit of course before it before it goes out as a he'd certainly think i would have done your contract

he'd certainly think i would have done if i'd claimed to to have done an email set confirming that I had done it.

Wouldn't you?

These things aren't, it's very vague.

It's a real spectrum with this stuff, isn't it?

Yeah, because with glasses, I'd have to then, if I was to get hair replacement surgery and

put the specs on, I mean, I would presumably

look like,

who would I look like?

With specs out.

That's Richard Osman.

You probably look like a

sort of makeup student's first go in their first term.

yeah give it given the budget it's going to be

do you know what i mean it's not going to be premium end stuff is it it's um it's going to be um you look a bit like ac grayling i think okay

so philosopher slash composer yeah or the other options go osmond which is go heavy 50s look because that because that point you can put so much gel on that the fact that that that the um would you say richard osmond's going for 50s look

uh well he's arrived at 50s look i'd say that's because he's in his 50s because

he's in his 50s um is richer i've always thought richman osmond as having a sort of retro diner face is that what he's going for like a sort of fonds character he's got a thick rim yeah he's thin glasses and you know he's got a good head of slight slightly sort of and the flick knife

the flick knife the studded leather jacket and the dancing cap he's got all work going but he's got he's got a full thick head of natural natural hair yeah all right don't don't rub it in whereas you'd only be able to afford probably turf.

Turf's actually quite pricey if you looked at it per

square metre

on the upkeep as well.

The upkeep because you then need a groundsman.

We get weeds.

You get weeds and they are so bloody stubborn.

And you could get a mole.

Worst would be if you get a mole because you'd be having to live in my skull cavity.

I think stick with the current look.

I think

but if Mike Mike ever got specs,

that would spin me out.

I wouldn't like it at all.

I don't know why.

I've never had an eye test in my life.

Oh, my God.

Oh my gosh.

I've never seen that before.

But that might just be arrogance.

Well, isn't it dangerous?

I have noticed when I'm tired, I'm doing a little bit of the sort of book a little bit far from your face.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, reading specs.

Last year.

Yeah, that's a different.

That comes for us all, I think.

So it might be time for the half moons

before too long.

Or some pans and airs.

Yeah, exactly.

I might not be too far from that.

But I don't know.

I still haven't actually done the...

My friend Arzie was absolutely outraged when I told her that, and she forced me to do an improvised eye test on the spot.

I remember.

The world to you might look like a sort of turner painting.

Well, it's lovely.

You two are very handsome and self-focus.

I don't want to change that.

I don't want to spoil that.

But the thing is, Mike,

to you, I look like

the sun setting on the Mersey Sound in the depths of September.

I don't know.

That's the trouble.

And Ben looks like a flaming dallion.

A flaming dallion off the coast of Lizards Point.

Some people, you can put on a pair of glasses and you look ridiculous, right?

And other people look really good in glasses, but it seems.

What's the difference?

Is it the difference between your.

It's a bit of a mystery.

It's face shape.

You've got one oval head, have you, Henry?

Well, you've tactlessly just barged in with absolutely no sensitivity, but yes, I have.

We've talked about this quite a while ago, but I have a deep head.

My head has the normal height like an alien xenomorph

if you've ever seen HR Geiger's designs for the alien and the alien films

they're basically it's just me in profile they've been

if you just if you just stick a little sort of cup of Costa coffee in front of them it just looks like it's me it's me in a cafe

me doing some work so yeah so from the front my head is normal height normal width normal breadth

but depth it just keeps going my head so if I if I judge

it just keeps going.

So I have to buy three rows of seats on airplanes.

So like, for example,

I'll be G1, two, and three.

I'll be the three

in a row.

If I'm on a speedboat, I'll tend to go...

You look like you're going even faster than you are.

That's why you had that job in speedboat sales, wasn't it?

That's why I told you.

I had that job in speedboat sales.

It wasn't just how good I looked in the shorts, Mike.

In fact, they told me that.

I think it it was a lie about me looking at them in the shorts.

They told me that because the fact is,

they couldn't contain their excitement.

It was like, it's the ghost who laid the fucking golden.

We've got a sea name of head.

We're not going to have to waste a drop of petrol on this.

He's all static.

Oh, my God.

He's the ghost that laid the golden head.

Head distortingly fast.

Yeah, so a warp speed head.

Yeah, exactly.

I've got like a warp speed head.

The way it works is you're actually fine in the theatre as long as you're sitting two seats behind me.

Yeah.

But what you don't want to be is if I'm sitting towards the left of the stalls, anyone on my left technically has restricted view if they're looking if they're trying to look diagonally at the stage.

Yeah.

And they will get five quid off the ticket, though.

So you can get five crit off your ticket.

Or allow you to rest their beverage on top of your pate.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's a trade-off.

But as we have covered, Mike, in the past, the pate is quite oily.

So it's quite slick.

Really getting it on you today, Rene.

Yeah, so it's a long slick.

Again, I would refer you to the HR Geiger designs for the Xenomoff.

Did anyone think of that as a dry alien, Ben?

Don't you think so?

No.

It's a moist, it's an oily alien that can slip around a spacecraft very, very, very quickly and silently.

In the original script for alien, most of it is Ripley walking around putting anti-macasses on the back of seats and stuff

just to try and keep down the oil content.

Just whinging about the fact that the upholstery keeps getting ruined.

And why is that?

Who's ruining these?

That's right.

These sofas.

Yeah, so no, so I've got, yes, I've got a long head.

So that means my arms need to be longer.

Well,

they need to be longer in terms of the arms on my glasses, this is.

I thought you meant your arms.

No, well, my arms are when you sort of stick them out in front of you for balance.

Well, I'd love it if they were longer, Mike, unfortunately.

My arms are

normal length, yeah.

And the only other thing I've got in common with the alien from the HR Geiger films, I'm afraid, is the um, is the miniature mouth that comes out of my actual mouth sometimes

when you're really, really, very cross, when I'm very, very cross or stressed, yeah,

um, which often happens while watching the alien films.

So, actually, if you watch the alien films with me in the audience, it's fucking terrifying,

it's absolutely fucking terrifying,

but yeah, so the armpit off my glasses, this was this was only yesterday,

and um, they'd been loose for a while, and it fell off.

And

unfortunately, I don't know what I'm going to do because

most glasses have a tiny little...

A tiny little screw.

Little hinge.

Tiny, tiny, tiny screw.

And you have to use one of those screwdrivers you get out of a Christmas cracker.

Such a tiny little Christmas cracker screwdriver is the only way to...

Because it's such a tiny little hinge.

It's the smallest hinge you'll ever see.

Yeah.

Which in and of itself requires absolutely perfect vision.

Exactly.

Here we go and Falcon level vision.

Exactly.

It's a massive catch-22.

So it's a huge catch-22, which is how can you find the tiny hinge when the hinge was holding the glasses on your face in the first place?

It's impossible.

But my ones don't even have a tiny hinge or screw because they're Japanese design.

So that's something I was told when I bought them, which is they're special ones which don't have a...

Don't have a little hinge or screw.

They're sort of one piece or something.

But it occurred to me that I was just remembering that I was really impressed when this guy said to me in the shop they're japanese design

and it occurred to me that there's three countries i think where you can put their name in in front of the word design it just sounds impressive even though i've got no reason to think that japan is particularly good at making glasses but if you just say japanese design yeah i'm impressed the other one i believe is german design

that means i can trust it well you'd say german engineered these flip-flops are german engineered whatever it is you'd be like oh, yeah, brilliant.

Trust levels soar.

Trust levels.

So, and also sense of, and Japan has trust, and also a bit of like, oh, it's quite cool.

And the other one, though, I believe, is made from American leather.

This car is 100% made from American leather.

I'm buying it.

I'm sorry.

This Aqualung is 100% Calves leather from the United States.

The other one I think is, oh yeah, these glasses,

they're Italian design.

Yeah, for the design, maybe.

But before you get into the yes or no of what I've said,

the thing that I then thought was interesting about that, but I've no idea what it means is that those three countries were the Axis powers.

Were the Axis powers.

Yeah.

But why?

Why is that?

Because I think you can say Italian.

You can just say whether or not...

You might have a mixed approach, but you can say it's Italian design.

Oh, yeah.

You can't say it's English design.

Italian design, you can slap another 20 quid on, you know, it's going to look good.

It's going to look good.

But yeah, German, I feel like I'm more likely to go, yeah, German.

I'm just going to

trust my family in it, whatever it is.

I'm going to trust my family in that pair of spectacles.

You trust your family in that dishwasher.

Yeah, exactly.

It's okay, darling.

Don't worry.

Fine, darling.

It's Italian design.

I'm in German, though.

Fuck.

I live on a new build estate.

And when it was built, when people were buying the houses, you could choose to pay extra to have a German kitchen.

Yes.

German-made.

Yeah.

And I don't know if my house has got a German-made kitchen or not, but it was one of the things you could choose.

It's got an in-built sausage, hasn't it?

It's a sausage cannon.

Every sausage tap.

It's got

hot water, cold water.

Sausage.

And you've got iced sausage cubes, haven't you?

Because your fridge has got an iced sausage cubes.

So any drink can have iced cold sausage cubes in it.

Can't it just slowly melt?

Are there any other countries that you would?

I think made in the USA for me is a little bit of uh excitement, really.

Occasionally, yeah, it's American design.

What are you talking about?

I don't know what you mean.

No, not American design, but it's something like that.

You mean it's got huge stars on it and a big eagle that crows every time you press a button.

I'm thinking, like, sort of a cowboy's leather trash, belt buckle, belt buckle, yeah, yeah, uh, saddle.

Yeah, I'm thinking of a Jeep, five gun holsters, yeah, a horse-drawn Jeep, yeah.

America.

America.

America.

America.

I'd like two tickets for the Chattanooga Choo Choo.

America.

Get me the DA.

A slice of old mama's apple pie down the animal in New York City.

Don't be ridiculous.

You'll never be an actor in B-movies.

You'd be more likely to be President of the United States.

Mr.

Reagan.

Burgers.

There's something robust and huge about it.

You know what I mean?

A robust and huge.

Yeah, okay, I see what you're saying.

It's going to get tongues wagging among the neighbours.

It's not going to fit into a British lifestyle or property, is it?

Like an American fridge or whatever.

It's just, yeah, it's not going to work.

The cars are like two lanes wide, aren't they?

If they come over here.

It'll need a deep water harbor at the very least yeah yeah

are there any other countries that you would sort of because i think swiss has got something about it yes okay we're talking about national stereotypes here which is not something that we

don't mind doing or isn't it

um so so basically i've gone i've gone german with my hoovers i'd go italian for specs yeah i'd go italian for specs because yeah it's it's i'd go i'd i'd um i'd go italian for parmesan is that That's not a stretch, is it?

I wouldn't get German, but I wouldn't want...

This Parmesan is German design.

100% German Parmesan.

From the floodplains of Hessen.

Yeah, I wouldn't want that.

Bavarian sushi.

I wouldn't want that.

It's completely raw pig meat.

That's right.

It's uncooked sausage.

Delicately wrapped.

in a different type of uncooked sausage.

Yes,

I'd go German for Hoover, Italian for Specs, Car.

I like a fiat.

Some kind of sort of really ornate sort of zesta or

producer, you know?

Well, Italian.

Italian, yeah.

I could also go for a German Zesta, I think.

I think Japan is one you could put on anything.

And it's like, yeah, so that was Japanese

water bottle.

Yeah.

So you could just say it's Japanese and people would go, right?

The one I'm going to throw in is a potential.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Norwegian design.

Oh, that's not bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

These chinos are Norwegian design.

Yeah, I'm interested.

I'm clicking through on that.

And the internet will notice that I've clicked through on it, and I will be sent Norwegian Chinos to look at by the internet, and I'll be happy about it.

Yeah, I mean, I think Swedish, yeah, Scandy is quite strong, isn't it?

Yeah, I've got this Danish rucksack I've just bought.

Yes.

Oh, tell me about it.

It's Danish.

It's got little toggles.

The Scandinavians understand toggles in some way that we don't.

I just have a sense that they understand toggles.

But internationally, what what do people make of British design?

Yeah.

Made in Sheffield

by bastards.

Like, what do people make of that elsewhere?

For me, British design, I don't know if this is English or British.

It's like the British shorthair cat.

So it's chunky.

It's Brompton's.

Boff.

You know, if you drop a bolt, if you, you know, it's stuff which, if you put it down, it goes, it makes this noise.

So that'd be bluebell

after you've folded her up.

After you've folded her up and you carry around the supermarket,

so convenient.

Don't chain her up because someone will have that.

Yeah, someone will have it.

Don't take her around with you.

And I can deconstruct and reconstruct Bluebell in about 45 seconds now.

You'll cut your shins doing.

I cut my shins.

Hind legs up, tail, crank the tail 45 degrees, then yank that head into the spine and then crumple the whole thing up.

That's part of the

pain.

That's part of the process.

And then you just plug your thumb into the anus

into the anus and it locks and it locks

it on a train

blue bell,

blue bell,

soft and gentle and wise and kind, blue bell,

blue bell,

sturdy paws and silky thighs, blue bell.

There she flies

like a furry star

Classic and stylish

back of vintage car

You're gonna go far

Bluebell,

blue bell

Take me away on a magical trip Bluebell,

blue bell

To the Milky Way on your fairy spaceship Bluebell

I'll feed feed you meat biscuits

upon the moon.

With the feet of giant worm,

like in June,

I'll see you there soon.

Blue Balina and Blue Barama, Blue Balama and Blue Baruma, Blue Marata and Blue Marat, Blue Marat.

You'll swipe off the faces of our enemies.

You'll toy with the corpses

of anyone who defies algalactic rule.

It's cruel to be kind, but mainly to be cruel.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

Good idea.

This week's topic as sent in by Adam from Bremington Spa.

Hello, Adam.

Is mushrooms

very rich area?

Obviously, mushrooms.

I have to say

they're

to me they're very much, I think of them as very much as a kind of as the

food of the future.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Because I feel that we haven't fully understood mushrooms yet.

And I feel that...

Because they can be used to replace all meat.

Exactly.

I think that's a big part of their future, isn't it?

They can be a burger patty.

They can be a burger patty.

They can be a lasagna layer.

It can be a lasagna.

Is corn kind of mushrooms?

Ooh.

Great question.

It's a great question.

Again, that's what I'm talking about.

There's a lot of mystery around these things.

It feels like the corn is the sort of thing someone could easily say that there is or isn't mushrooms in it, and it would be I'd be easily convinced either way, I think.

I think corn is a substance that is grown.

Like, you can grow a quantity of corn and have a field of corn.

I think so, yeah.

Through which you can gamble.

My dream.

No, the thing is, you can't really gamble because only sheep can gamble, and there's no sheep made in corn, is there?

Okay.

So, actually, so what can you do?

Can you be chased through a field of corn?

I think

you can sort of hover over it

in a sort of futuristic

body copters

and just

monitor the cornfields.

That'll be like quite a top job in the future.

It'll be cornfield monitoring.

And you'll be like, I'm in sectin 4943 slash 29678.

Exterminating pests.

Status good.

Bologna's ability high.

Sweat level average.

So you're saying this is likely to be the only human job.

Put it this way.

You know, we talk, well, we were talking at the beginning about, you know, it's Japanese design or it's German design.

Anything futuristic, I could believe

if you said to me, yes, basically they've worked out how to make self-driving cars.

It turns out the solution was using mushroom technology.

I'd be, okay, yeah, sounds right.

Do they have an intelligence network?

Is that mushrooms?

What do you mean, like the Stasi?

A series

of information on each other.

Oh, yeah, they

inform on each other, yeah.

Which is the, is it, is it some sort of fungus that is able to communicate with its fellows

under the very earth?

Yeah, I think you're right.

I think you're right, and I think I'm going to say something that might be wrong.

Is it that, like, if you see, like, 10 mushrooms in a field, they're talking about you, below ground is like 10 times more fungus.

That's the tip of the mushroom bag.

Yeah, and they're all talking each other.

There's like a big network underneath, and they all chat.

Gossiping?

Yes, what do they have to talk about?

It could just be gossip, couldn't it?

But isn't it true that like trees can talk to each other via the network of fungus?

Oh, God.

Really?

So fungus is a bit like BT OpenReach or, you know, NTL, whatever.

I think that's not bollocks, but it might be bollocks.

You could certainly imagine blowing into a large enough fungus and it creating music.

Okay.

That's not really what I was talking about.

No, no, but

I'm going fungal in my approach to this conversation.

You know, it's a non-structured, repeatable, sort of modular system, isn't it?

Mushrooms and funguses.

They're not like other organisms.

You know,

if you cut through a branch of a tree.

You cut off the tail of a mushroom.

If you cut off the branch of a tree, there's cortex and pith.

You know, we all understand this.

Molecules travel up and down.

It's basically the same, same, pretty much the same thing that happens in a human leg, isn't it?

Tubes.

It's tubes containing chemicals shooting them up and down, right?

Yeah.

Sucking up nutrients and liquid from the ground.

That's right.

That then evaporates at the top to cool the thighs.

Yes.

Yes.

Exactly.

And in a plant, it's flowers.

And in a human, it's ideas.

And pubes.

And pubes.

And flower.

Yeah.

And I'm currently smashing it with both.

I've got more pubes than I know what to do with.

Yeah, because anything else, you cut through it.

I mean, you obviously don't do this at home.

If you were to cut a terrapin in half,

you'd find tubes, you'd find spherical objects, like

moist, wet spheres.

Shells.

Fine shells.

Loads of stuff that can be made into hand soaps, basically.

Loads of.

At varying levels of luxury.

Exactly.

Exactly.

You get society's full stretch, don't you?

Yeah.

From your economy liquid soap through to your hard, sort of cinnamon-zesty.

Cinnamon zesty stuff that you'd get in the shop.

What's it called?

That really, really high-end boots.

That's the one, yeah.

I feel intimidated to go in.

That one, yeah, boots.

No, and what's it called?

It's called something like Noah or something.

What's it called?

It's the most ridiculously high-end gels shop.

It's basically

asking the wrong two people.

I think I'm asking the wrong two people.

You'd only ever go in there if it was someone's 50th wedding anniversary.

That's literally like, it would have to be such a special gift.

And what do they sell?

Just soap?

Just soap.

Gold soap.

Gold soap.

No, but basically, I'd say soap is one of those things, isn't it, where the markup is just

crazy, isn't it?

It's based on your understanding of the soap-making process.

Yeah.

Which you think involves cutting terrapins in half.

It should be much, much more expensive.

You're mainly cutting them in half, then.

Left to right, not top to bottom.

So

I reckon the markup in the soap industry is crazy.

No, the reason I was...

Just a little smile is just so I remember that that's not strictly to do with mushrooms, is it?

You're going to bring it back to mushrooms, though.

I'm going to bring it back to mushrooms.

What's it called?

That really high-end...

Aesop.

Oh, Aesop, yeah, that's nice.

Aesop.

Of course, named because

the story of the Terrapin and the whale.

The Terrapin and the Axe Wheeling.

The axewilding whale.

The axe wheeling whale.

Which is, well, the quick version is: the whale had a dried blowhole.

So he cut a terrapin in half and used the liquids that came out to moisturize it.

The moral of the story is

moisturize your blowhole.

Cut most things in half in nature, and you see an array of tubes it's it's just it's just the fact most natural things are basically a tube pie yeah exactly it's a tube it's a tube piece a dense quite a dense one like a game pie level of density yeah yeah a fairly dense tube pie and if you cut it and that's why it's always good to cut things with uh to know whether you're cutting with or against the grain that's why there's that concept of the grain because if you cut against the grain you're opening up you'll see lots of circles which is the tubes.

If you cut along the grain, where you get sort of lateral.

You see the sides of the tubes.

You see the sides of the the tubes.

Mike, you have more anatomical knowledge than me and Henry, I think.

I've always wondered something.

This is about the tubes inside the pie.

You know, if you have an operation on your guts

and you've got all your intestines and they're just like a big wadge of tubes, right?

Yeah.

They're in no particular order, are they?

They are in an order, yeah.

Oh.

I thought that if you had an operation on your guts, they'd just pull them all out.

Have a look.

And pile them back in.

Stuff them back in.

And I was like, how do do you know?

You know, when you like unbox something and you don't know how to get it back in the box again,

they have to study how to re-box it.

Yeah, yeah, that's very much part of the training, I think.

In my mind, the intestines go back into the body very much in the same way as the Christmas lights go back into the box at the end of Christmas way.

You go, you think horribly knotted, tangled up, a few shattered bulbs.

Every couple of years, you think to yourself, you know what?

I'm going to try and come up with a system for this.

I'm sure I saw it on TV once.

If you hook it, one end of it around your index finger, the other end around your elbow,

you go one, two,

three, and four.

And

I've trapped myself in the lights.

I'm now part of the lights.

Sandra, Sandra!

Sandra, for the love of God, Sandra, for the love of God, don't turn on that switch.

No, but you know, and then

you wrap it because you think, I'm sure I saw an Italian man do this once or something.

And you wrap it finger to elbow, finger to elbow, finger to elbow, finger to elbow.

And you take it off your elbow, and it instantly turns back into the absolute chaos of spaghetti junction again, doesn't it?

Stuff it in a carbohydrate box and you stuff it in, and what you do is you wedge the roof down.

But for a human, that's the chest, that's the top, the uh, well, the ribs, isn't it?

Just push it down, Sandra.

And it doesn't matter if a few of the Christmas lights stick out the edge because you shove it all in the attic.

Yeah, so they that's not the case with operations, they sort of put them back carefully.

They well, they'll try and put things back carefully, yeah.

Do they use the elbow-to-finger system

if they've had to pull a lot out?

Of course, they do.

What else is there?

Can I ask a question about whether you agree with me that I think

in terms of the amount of dirt I've eaten in my life

I would say 90% of it has been borne by mushrooms.

Very good.

Oh yeah, yeah.

I've certainly,

I've tried washing a mushroom and given up very early.

Yeah.

And then the rest of them are just going, they're just getting going straight in as they are.

That's so true, because mushrooms, for some reason, it's seen as acceptable for them to come absolutely caked in filth, isn't it?

In supermarkets, they're caked in filth.

And it's really quite crevicey, aren't they?

So there's a lot of filth that's really deep in the crevices.

The skin will grip the sod.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And what I do is I do a lot of mental bargaining with myself where I go, oh, the fact is

it's just natural, isn't it?

Turds are natural.

What is the human body if not

a tube with food coming in one end, turds out of the other?

What's the difference?

Let's swap the polarities, guys.

Let's swap den poles.

It happens to the earth every couple of millennia.

It's going to happen to me right now.

We're swapping den poles.

Let's see if a mushroom burger comes out the other end.

Digestive track talk.

So I do all kinds of mental bargaining.

And you know what?

This very weekend,

I made salad at a barbecue.

It was the last barbecue of the season.

Yeah.

Yesterday.

And I was in charge of salad.

You made a mushroom salad?

And it wasn't a mushroom salad, but it it was, there were beans in it.

I did mental bargaining over the beans.

I thought to myself, because they were green runner beans, they have a crevice running down the side of them.

The bean, as if to make my point yet again, is a long tube.

You cut it in half, it's full of little tubes

that are all green.

So, but down the side of that, that

because any tube, like any jumper,

the arms on a jumper.

Again, a series of tubes.

There's a series of tubes.

Well, a jumper sleeve is a tube covering the tube that is your arm, which is a tube of...

There's just a wide tube for your trunk which has got all sorts of tubes in it

there's a seam as well most tubes have a seam so like a jumper has seams whatever like a bean has a seam yeah and that seam attracts filth so there's the green beam so i was in charge of salad i said i said to the person i shouldn't have said i should have just pressed ahead but i said to the person whose house it was

i was invited

um

mummy that salad making man's come round again

sandra get my shovel

he's the most confusing serial killer we've yet come across he breaks into homes makes salads and leaves and they die later because all of the beans were filthy

so essentially i um i said to him what's your policy on cleaning food in general i shouldn't have done yeah and he said um i do try and do it as much as possible So that put me in a real dilemma.

But I solved it by thinking,

there's no way.

I tried cleaning one of them beans.

I thought there's no way I'm cleaning

150 of these beans.

It was so labor-intensive to get the filth out of the crack.

So I did a mental bargaining, which is one: if I put, if I surely boiling in the water solves it,

boiling in the water solves it.

Another mental bargaining you do is you go, in medieval times, everything was fine somehow.

Plus, I'll just personally steer clear of the beans myself just in case.

Sorted

If I was to offer you three mushroom dishes, which of these would you choose, okay?

I've got to eat this every meal for the rest of my life.

Well, you're thinking my question wasn't interesting enough and you're trying to improve my question.

I'm by braising the steaks.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

You've got to eat one of these for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

Japanese mushrooms.

What does that mean, though?

Yeah, what does that mean?

I'm not telling you that.

That's all you know.

Stop questioning the questionnaire and answer the question.

Number two, German mushrooms.

Number three, Italian mushrooms.

It depends on the time of day.

I'm having Italian mushrooms for breakfast.

I'm having a heavy lunch with German mushrooms.

I'm having a big old, glorious nap, and I'm having a lovely light supper with some Japanese mushrooms in the evening.

Well, you've made your choices, and now I can tell you what they are.

Italian mushrooms is entirely tripe.

There's no mushrooms in it.

It's just a name.

It's a boiling hot bucket of tripe.

Well, okay, I'll tell you what I would choose.

I think I would genuinely choose.

I think Japanese mushrooms would be my number one.

I don't know what they are, but I trust that that would be a great mushroom.

They'd nail the mushroom.

I reckon they would nail.

My second would be Italian mushrooms, because it'll be tomato and garlicky.

You can't go that far wrong.

And German mushrooms, that doesn't sound good to me.

I don't know why.

I'm going German mushrooms number one.

Really?

Yeah, for sure.

What do you think Joe and Mushrooms is going to be?

It'll be a stroganoffy type thing.

Creamy sauce.

Oh, creamy sauce.

Good point.

Yeah, yeah, no, there is a place of German mushrooms.

Again, though, the point stands that German, Italian, and Japanese, all quite trustworthy when stuck before pretty much anything.

Have we ever talked about

Dutch mushrooms?

Welcome to Panorama.

In another bit of sort of national stereotyping, I mean, you put Dutch in front of everything.

It sounds like it's a euphemism for something.

Oh, you're so right.

Have you done, yeah, did a Dutch mushroom when I was a student and basically lost a year of my life.

Yeah.

All I found out was I just paper trail-wise, I found out I'd got married three times

during that year,

twice to the same goat,

and lastly to Brian Ferry.

Yeah, it was a hell of a year.

It's also true of

if you put Glasgow in front of anything.

Yes.

It sounds like an act of violence.

Something unspeakable, yeah.

Yeah, a Glasgow smoothie.

Jesus Christ.

That's so true.

Glasgow washing machine.

Oh, poor God.

He has to be taught to wink again.

He's spending three hours a day in a swimming pool with a wink specialist,

learning sub-awkward winking.

Once he can wink underwater

and sexually intimidate snorkelers, we'll we'll move him out of the pool.

Similarly, there's another word thing, which is that I've noticed that.

So I was in Liddell the other day, and in the middle aisle, they were selling dog beds.

Yeah.

And I think if you put the word dog in front of anything, it makes it sound disgusting and awful.

Yes, sir.

It's true.

Dog breath.

Dog face.

Yeah.

Dog tannion.

Dog bed.

Dog bed.

Dog bed.

It's a dog's life.

Dog table.

What's that?

What's that for?

Yeah, we've just bought him his own little dog table.

Oh, I don't want to.

Even if it's you mean, even if it's for a dog, yes.

I'm really freaked out.

One of my neighbors left a dog glove on my doorstep the other day.

Yeah,

what's going on?

Cat, on the other hand, is quite adds a little souson something like a cat and burglar is a step up from a burglar, isn't it?

Yeah, that's true.

A cat nap is a bit a little bit more delicious than

a normal nap, I would say.

A cat burger is more is for a reason more expensive than a normal burger.

Incredible.

I'd say a cat flap is better than a normal flap.

Or just a flap.

Yeah.

Dog flap, though.

Dog flap.

Sounds like somebody's got a clean on the end of its penis.

We've had to dog flap it, I'm afraid.

It's only a temporary measure.

And in 18 months' time, the grafting will hold and we'll be able to remove it, but he will have to use the dog flap

in the meantime.

Look, no one enjoys having this conversation, but it might be time to talk about getting dog flap cleaning mittens.

It's breathable rubber.

Are you able to remortgage?

Mrs.

Wosneck, I'm afraid we've had to do a procedure known as the Glasgow dog flap.

We think at this point it's probably more humane to kill your husband and anything within a three-mile radius of him,

which at the moment does include you and me.

but we think it's probably for the best and we think you'll understand

email time

when you send an email

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before

good morning postmaster Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

Like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

Now, this week, we've received more emails about a single topic, and it's not your shoes, Henry, than ever before.

Seriously?

Yeah.

In the form of bollockings or what?

No bollockings?

Oh.

It's in the form of a visit to the flightless bird zone.

Ooh.

Welcome to the flightless bird zone.

No, please, not my face!

Brilliant.

I'm just sending you both a link.

I've not actually seen this story.

So we've had lots and lots, like literally 50 emails.

I'll just read one night at random.

This is from Lois.

Hello, Lois.

Dear Beans, I was happily passing time on a train today when reading the news.

I found this article.

Today, a new cassowary has been born in Birdland, Gloucestershire.

Wow.

The photos make it look adorable, but just like its adult contemporary sexy legs, who must not be fooled by appearances.

Best of luck avoiding dangerous, flightless birds, Lois.

Oh, wow.

And there's the picture.

It is adorable, isn't it?

It is so sweet.

I mean, how long does it take before it's a full-blown killer?

It's probably not long, is it?

I think it grows at the same speed as the alien in the in the alien films, doesn't it?

Okay.

So it's a matter of hours.

So

from chest burst to

taking out all the staff at that bird enclosure will be about probably, well, you want them to start dying before the midpoint.

So we're talking 45 minutes

from chestburst to uh

yeah see it's only really a short drive for for

benjamin or or myself yeah it's in the cotswolds i think someone has emailed in previously saying they've been to birdland why why oh why has there not been a spate of cassuary and flightless bird films be like there's the shark films you know what i mean like why is there not a single one about a cassowary loose on a space station imagine a cassowary in zero-g

that's a really good idea actually andrew why isn't there like a dangerous birds does after Aster movie?

Or even on one of those really fast sort of Japanese intercity bullet trains or something like that?

Yes.

Cassowi on a bullet train.

Indicities, not stopping, can't stop.

No.

It's going all the way to Hokkaido.

Or is it?

Where's Dr.

Enzo?

It's pecked through Dr.

Enzo.

It's pecked through everyone.

Dr.

Enzo was trying to smuggle a Cassowary cub in his hand luggage.

And now look at him.

Yes, he was working for the government because they were trying to control cassowaries and use them as a military force.

It's the ultimate weapon.

They can fly like the Air Force.

They can walk about.

They can't fly was the whole point.

They can board a Boeing 747.

They can totally trash duty-free.

They're the perfect saboteur.

And incredibly good at maintaining their calm at passport control.

It's all in the bd eyes it's all in the bd eyed stare when that guy's when when the guy behind passport control is looking through the thing flicking through the pages oh what's the purpose of your visit sabotage

carry on sir

it's only later that night that he realizes i waved through an army of

sabotaging cassowaries of plastique laden cassowaries uh the bbc have run with the headline chick of the world's most dangerous bird hatches in cotswolds keepers at birdland in burton on the water gloucestershire have been trying to breed the giant flightless birds for more than 25 years.

You fools!

What have you done, you fools?

I mean, where did the problem start?

Probably when we tried to reproduce them.

Fuck, they're psychopathic.

These perfect killers.

They're perfect killers.

They're just.

Imagine a weapon with a brain, and imagine that brain belongs to a complete bastard.

That's what you've done.

Oh.

Okay, so.

They've been trying for 20 years.

25 years.

20 years.

It's the ultimate hubris, isn't it?

That was so hubristic.

Birdland, Borton on the water, Gloucestershire.

Who knew that that's where the end of days begins?

Boughton on the water.

Heralded by the pop of a champagne cork as they celebrate.

Goggles scattered around as the ornithologists snog each other.

Some of them keeping their goggles on while they snog so they can actually go even more hammering tongs at the snogging.

Disgusting.

None of them noticing the first crunch of that set of first goggles underfoot

as the chick, now mature, enters the events room.

Wait a minute.

Dr.

Peterson's doing a brilliant party trick.

He's doing an impression of a casserole.

No, wait a minute, the casserole is wearing Dr.

Peterson's skin.

What were we thinking?

Yeah, terrifying.

It says casseries are challenging to breed in captivity due to their specific environmental and behavioural needs.

The male incubates the eggs for up to two months and looks after the hatchlings.

Once the chicks hatch, the male leads them to his regular feeding grounds.

Which would be a local primary school, I imagine.

Sirencestor.

Sirencesta.

Could be siren sester.

Plymy.

I mean, yeah.

Basically,

oh, if you've ever seen a cataray fighting a snake to the death,

Picture that happening on a mass scale against all the penises of Britain.

isn't it

that that picture though of the baby is hyper cute though isn't it look at it he's quite cute but that's how he sucked that's how they suck you in Ben that's why they're the perfect killer imagine the um I don't know what keeps coming up in this episode but imagine the Xenomorphali from the alien films yeah yeah with a bit of lipstick on it and specs it's me

but imagine

but now I had a huge claw on your tooth

but imagine if they were cute how much more deadly they actually would be.

And that's where the sexy legs come in, which is clearly an evolutionary thing, isn't it?

They've developed the legs of a sexy 70s B-movie starlet.

Complete with

the fish neck stockings.

Yep.

And the

retrograde attitudes.

Retrograde attitudes.

That's what makes them so dangerous.

But if you look deep into that eye, you can see it's a kind of...

You know the expression they have on their face.

You're looking back in time, aren't you?

We're looking to the heart of the 1970s, aren't you?

Yeah.

At a creature whose pulse will not raise a jot as it pulls your spleen out of your ass

with its foot.

Yeah.

It would have the pulse rate of someone reading a sort of cozy crime novel throughout,

just calm, at peace, you know, watching Midsummer Murders or something.

It's in full oval team mode.

You're looking into the prehistoric times, aren't you in its face?

It's got that cold reptilian.

It saw the first mushroom.

It saw the first mushroom, and it decided not to eat it because there was a baby panda next to it.

Decided to have a panda strong enough.

I thought, yeah,

I need a new welcome mat.

You know, the thing which I find terrifying about it is it actually looks a bit scared itself.

You know what I mean?

Like it looks, and I think that's where the true terror of its violence comes from, is that it's from an era where everyone is trying to eat everyone all the time.

I mean, London is a dog-eat-dog place, yeah.

Jurassic era Earth,

everyone is a predator, everyone is prey, it's a kind of perpetual panic.

And this creature is currently

in its snack phase, isn't it?

It's brief, dangerous snack phase.

Yeah.

And it resents that phase

when it reaches adulthood.

It's a kill or be killed sort of mentality whereby it has to take you out before you take it out, which makes it even more terrifying.

It's not doing it out of sadism as such.

Even if you were just trying to feed it some seed.

Yeah.

It'll bite your arm off.

Yeah.

Yes.

Just to be on the safe side.

It'll bite your arm off up to the ear.

Just to be safe.

Well, let's say best of luck to the people of Burton on the water.

Well done, Burton on the water.

Your hubris has put everything we value

at risk.

This is an email from Beth.

Hello, Beth.

Hi, Beth.

Dear Beans, I hope you are well rested after your summer break.

I, however, am not well rested after a very strange dream I had last night.

It began with me joining a far-left collective,

which met in the drama block of my old secondary school.

While the group's aims were laudable, the people were absolute tossers.

Is this the dream or is this the real this bit?

This is the dream, I mean.

This is the dream.

Okay, yeah.

We had to sit in a circle on the floor and share our experience.

But there was a set of complex and contradictory rules surrounding the whole thing, and I was evidently doing everything wrong.

The mood was hostile until Henry Packer, who seemed to be the founding member of the collective, walked in and sits down next to me in the circle.

He's welcoming and friendly, and chastises the group for their attacks on me, then talks me through the nonsensical rules.

As I always do, I logged this dream in my dream app on my phone

and used the new AI interpret function.

No way.

That sounds dangerous.

So the app came up with this.

This is its interpretation of that dream.

Henry Packer appears in your dream as a figure of kindness and support amid chaos and confusion.

Henry Packer stands out as a beacon of calm and friendliness.

Henry's role in your dream suggests that he is a stabilizing force in your subconscious.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, God, Beth.

Representing empathy, comfort, and reassurance.

Oh, you're in real trouble, my friend.

Don't build your house on me, either physically or metaphorically.

Pliny, so I'm an an important part of the psychic makeup of this person of Beth of Beth and

I'm having a positive role it sounds like you represent reassurance empathy and comfort is should that be an extra tier do you think from Patreon in providing psychological sort of ballast to someone the id tier the id tier I've become a fundamental part of her psychic makeup yeah that feels like it's a

yeah

I'd be very careful Beth you want to see a therapist and get a sort of psychic extraction where you can extract me and replace me with a more solid psychological, a more sturdy archetype.

And that can be done electronically or with incantations.

That's right, yeah.

So you've got various different options.

And in terms of people you want to replace Henry with, I'm thinking Monty Don.

Strong choice.

Lovely choice.

Because it's,

she's using a sort of architectural model for her, for her psyche, or we are.

You probably want a couple of foundations.

You want Monty Don at one end.

You probably want someone else.

Michelle Hussein.

Michelle Hussein.

Very strong.

Top-tier BBC journalist.

Monty Don's dog.

For a bit of fun.

Just for a bit of fun.

Yeah.

It'll make Monty happier.

Yeah, and a couple of grenadier guards at the other corners.

Yeah.

You've been a good change.

I hope that helps, Beth.

Yeah.

Yes, I hope that helps, Beth.

But also, feel free to keep me as a kind of accessory at the top of the house.

Like a...

A weather vane?

Like a weather vane.

So you could probably for an extra not wouldn't cost that much probably to get a hypnotist to have you psychologically spatch-cocked and waterproofed.

Spatch cocked.

Spatchcocked, waterproofed, varnished,

probably a triple varnish.

And put on a spike.

I'll probably have an expression, facial have an expression of sort of rictus terror,

though.

But that'll be hard to see from ground level.

Exactly.

Don't worry about that, too.

It'll be fine.

It's all about the foundations.

Ed emails.

Hello, beans.

I recently had a complicated wisdom tooth extraction.

I've had that whole day.

Horrible.

And the dentist told me I would have three days in bed.

Well, that's not so bad.

Every cloud.

So I thought I'd treat myself by going through the whole three-bean salad back catalogue.

Oh my god.

I'm so sorry.

It was an appallingly dreadful three days.

Some of the worst pain of my life.

Okay.

I quickly maxed out on codeine and paracetamol, and yet the horror continued.

I begged my pharmacist for something stronger, but they said I couldn't have any more.

I just had to sit and endure this terrible moment and the next and the next until it all passed.

The surgery, meanwhile, was a success, and I was back on my feet in no time.

Very good, very, very good, very good, very good.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroots.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, you're saying that what?

I thought he's trying to say, oh, he's gone the other way.

What?

Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that...

Oh, that's what he meant.

Oh, what?

So,

what he said before wasn't like, I've got him.

Now he's gone the other way around for there.

Oh, God.

It's the old switcheroo.

I mean, I saw it coming a mile off, but does that actually help?

It can do, I think, sometimes.

It's certainly

an acceptable trope of the switcheroo.

Ouvre.

We don't mark it down for that, do we?

No, no, no.

Well, sometimes it can be ballsy.

It's a ballsy one where you're like, you show us what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's no less powerful for it.

That's right.

Yeah.

Long for a full three-day one as well.

That's and the full back catalogue as well.

He's

he's stepped up the Switch Roo disc, hasn't he, to his to his credit, Ed.

He's not dishing out the same gruel as we've had in the past.

The Switch Roos, are they always at our expense?

Does it have to be that?

It has to have to be, but it tends to.

It'd be nice to see one coming in that's not

at our expense.

Yeah, yeah.

Your badge is in the mail.

Congratulations, Ed.

I'm giving it an eight.

There is no badge.

It feels like it's worth putting that in.

People have got confused about some

less confusing things than that in the past about the badge.

Well, some people didn't think Jesse Plemans was real.

That was a very good thing.

Exactly.

Some people didn't think Jesse Plems was real.

Some people think that Ben sounds bald.

It's something to do with the acoustics.

So I think, yeah, there is no badge.

There could be a badge.

We can't claim to have not thought of the idea because we mentioned it the whole time, but we've actively chosen the

badge.

Whether there is or isn't a badge,

it's in the post.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com.

Forward slash three bean salad.

Thanks for everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

There are various tiers at the Sean Bean tier.

You get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You certainly do.

Where Mike was last night.

I was, yeah, of course.

And

it was a bit of a smelly one last night, wasn't it?

I mean, that happens from time to time, sure.

It was the old bathing in hot squid ink night.

It certainly was.

Thank you, Ben.

Real Pongfest.

Here's my report.

It was the old bathing in hot squid ink contest at the Sean Bean Lounge last night, with squid ink generously provided by Stephen DeGroote's Jumbo Sea Ranch for genetically engineered mega squid and anything under the water that's bigger than a dock.

Liz Watkin and Sam Jam milked the squid with the aid of No Shoutout Pleases' patented squid-teet suction trumpet, while Angel Brooks, Hazel Rose and Ollie Rear supervised the ink heating using vats made from the dental fillings of Yarl Who Got on the Wrong Side of Deanna Thomas, and heat from unstable uranium from James Fowlbach's Magma Mime hidden deep beneath the main street bus station of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.

Dan Owens unwisely chose to bathe first and offered up a flawless, albeit unflashy breaststroke.

His immediate regret was palpable, however, when this was followed by Gemma Jay, Natalie Newman, Newman, Nathan Kindred, Kieran Lavery, Brandon Medford, Robin Dalton Chase, James Lane, Johnny Lay and Matt Thomas performing an outstanding synchronized squid ink swim recreating the school days of Angela Lansbury, set to the music of the Pogues, played by Mark Melville and Taylor Doddrell on Squiddink Snorkels.

It was an act that was tough to follow, but Angel Is, Owen Hanrahan, an intellectrician did admirably by peppering their skin with tiny wounds, submerging themselves in the squid ink and re-emerging with perfect tattoos which, when they stood in the correct configuration, made it appear that Sean Bean's right leg was draped across their midriffs.

Ollie Bolton forgot to take his boots off to bathe, sank and couldn't be retrieved, while Paul Wignall and Ahmed El-Husseini dissolved and Sam Bunce was oxidised.

Paul Hollingsworth and Eddie misjudged the mood by washing themselves and were booed off before they'd had a chance to rinse off their silky shine conditioner.

Greta Menke and Jay were caught trying to cool the tub down with ice-cold soy ink and taken to the Sean Bean re-indoctrination suite.

Graumann Holst, Andy, Holly and and Matt H all forgot which locker was theirs and at the time of writing are waiting for the next moonless night so they can return home with their ink-stained bodies, teeth and eyeballs undetected.

Sam Pickett and Will Entwistle were line-caught by Hazel C., gutted by Dan A.B.

and lightly seared on each side by Tim Le Girse, with a little butter and a sprig of parsley harvested from the inside bits of Tom Tullow's elbows.

At close of play, Kizza was declared overall winner and recipient of the Golden Cephalopodin Anal Siphon for breaking the hot squidding breath holding and escapology record while kieran ireland eric burningame and lewis d kept twatting about on jet skis and were fed to a standard-sized cuttlefish which took literally all night thanks all

okay that's the show we'll finish off with a theme tune sent in by one of you lot

this is from kitty hello kitty hi kitty dear beans i call this ear mare the three bean ice cream theme i've stuck a flake in it and called it done but it has an unsettling quality that makes me think it should never have been made.

Is it a creepy ice cream van sound?

That's what that's one of the most terrifying blood-curdling sounds there is, the tune played by an ice cream van.

Then she's written hashtag monkeys blood, hashtag rumple stilt scream.

Wow.

So, okay, gosh, let's see what this is.

Thanks, Kitty, and thanks everyone for listening.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Oh, God.

God almighty.

Oh God.

Oh God.

I'm imagining a little Cassueri dressed as

a little Victorian baby, a little casserole,

a little casserie in an old

casserole in a little pram.

Yeah.

Or dressed as the ice cream salesman.

He's just killed.

Oh, Kitty, that's going to stay with me.

Chilling stuff.

Absolutely horrifying.

Horrifyingly brilliant.