Vampires

I have just deodorised, by the way.

Have you both deodorised?

Always.

I deodorised last night.

Interesting.

This is fascinating.

Do you better rush in up first thing?

Because we know about your peculiar.

Everything you did the night before in terms of this kind of thing.

So I'm ready to go first thing.

Have you have breakfast last night night as well?

Everything's just skewed by 12 hours, isn't it?

With you?

Sort of living in an Australian.

If you're in Australia, you'd be fine.

But aren't you at the point in the day when you're just

completely knackered and you just want to

pop up in a cold one?

What, in the morning?

What are you talking about?

Well, if you've done everything 12 hours ahead of time.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm done by this stage.

Must be very confusing for you.

Yeah, I've had a can of Foster's.

Yeah.

The freshness is gone.

I've had a hot dog.

Yeah.

Three different types of dip.

Three different types of dip.

Because you like to explore different mayonnaise, don't you, in the morning?

That's what you

and different different levels of mustard and different combos, isn't it?

Chili mayonnaise.

Chili mayonnaise.

Lasagna mayonnaise.

Lasagna mayonnaise.

All of them.

And you love anything Hungarian, don't you?

Lot paprika rich mayonnaise and stuff.

Yeah, and I enjoy them all while while watching Remains of the Day.

That's how I

start.

And then just before, just before you go to bed, it's travel news at

weather, politics, just freshen up with some aftershade, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, ready to go, pull up those socks and sleep.

It's the darndest thing, but I'm struggling to sleep with this system.

I've just sunk a bowel away in coffee, and for some reason,

I just can't relax.

So your thing is very much beat the system, reverse the system, isn't it?

Reverse the system.

And that's your self-help sort of.

You're going to beat the system from behind it.

Because the way you describe it in your podcast, reverse your life with Benjamin partridge

which um comes out at midnight

midnight gmt guaranteed because you've also you've got a series of clocks haven't you behind you in there which tells you what time it is 12 hours ago in in milan hong kong

new york is it's a global it's a global phenomenon that you're trying to kick off some some very unhealthy looking cuckoo clocks

dark grey eyes they come out ass first do they But Ben,

the way you describe it, which is quite a strong metaphor, I thought, is

you see yourself as riding in the slipstream of life.

If you're 12 hours behind, you're in the slip stream.

Follow that slip stream.

At some point, overtake?

Well, I didn't think you need to overtake necessarily.

You just glide along.

Henry, you're in my slip stream.

I'm 12 hours ahead, baby.

Oh, yeah.

I still haven't understood the thought.

I mean, I've only...

That's why you've got to listen to the whole podcast.

I've got to be honest, I mean, I've only read the accompanying journals and do the accompanying colouring in books.

I draw my line with the accompanying protein shakes.

That's where I draw the line.

No,

it's a hell of a concept, though.

Because if you're in a slipstream, isn't it?

You don't have to do the energy.

Like, for example, if you're driving down the motorway behind a truck, you can basically coast, can't you?

And you just get sucked along by it.

It's like a wind grappling hook, isn't it?

With a wind grappling hook, effectively.

And with that energy, you're saving, you can use that energy to plan your next breakfast and work out when it's going to be.

Well, I'm usually

in my car then, I'm using that power to power the blender to get the protein shakes going.

that's right

because because lunge is the um lunch of course lunch is the lunge

that's what I call lunch that's how that's how vital I am

you do

you see it as active don't you you see it as lunge rather than lunch rather than being being lunched take control of lunch and lunge it

don't you so you

so so you'll be doing lunging exercises while eating and also you'll only eat the calves of calf calf meat of any animal that happens to be standing still in your path within lunging distance

exactly no it's when it's lunge as you call it on your new system

the protein the protein because the I got the protein I did order the protein powder

I was hoping you would have treated the insects more they were very much just insects it's a very coarse grain I think powder is pushing the grain

powder is pushing it when you can see faces

then I don't think I don't think glasses are powder.

I think you were trying to make a shake out of the garnish bag.

People do do this.

That's the insect face garnish that goes to the top.

Oh, we probably thought the rest of it was just packaging material or something, but the packaging material is the actual.

Oh, no, I thought the rest of it was the foot rub.

I foot-rubbed in a powdered caspature to make a food powder.

oh god lunch lunge

or lunch as a lot of people still call it it's the hinge point of the day isn't it because you swap breakfast and dinner but lunch doesn't have to change because it's the hinge point isn't it

because normally people have lunch twice a day even though they don't realize it is that right that's when the spiders come in your mouth isn't it

second lunch the second lunch

Oh god.

I've not heard that one, Henry, before.

I've heard the idea that you swallow a couple of spiders every night, but not that spiders come in your mouth every night.

Well, it's it's the that's welcome back to three mean salad with the stream.

Uh-oh.

Lewde content warning.

Lewed content, content, content.

Hello, everyone.

It's nice to be back, isn't it?

Lovely to be back.

Series

14, is it?

We made it through 13.

Yep.

Unlucky 13, we made it through.

Yep.

And we're back.

We're all rested.

I hope we're looking rested.

You're looking very fresh, both of you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Likewise.

You're looking quite tanned, I would say.

Yes,

I have been abroad.

It's hard for me to tell the same thing.

I've been in the global south.

I've been in the global south.

I went to Sri Lanka.

Ooh, lovely stuff.

I had an absolutely lovely time.

Yeah, it was brilliant.

I may have to felt.

It's very, very hard for me to tell.

I think I've gone from...

I think I've gone from like medium egg to darkest egg of the six.

The one with the bit of arse feather on it.

The one with the bit of arse feather on it.

The one that actually looks organic.

Exactly.

You've gone organic, but I think I may have gone organic.

You've gone from metropolitan to organic.

Yeah.

But I think also it's the one you eat first in case it's gone off.

It might be about to go off.

You give it to your father-in-law.

Give it to your father-in-law.

Because I was a bit worried about you, Henry, because obviously Sri Lanka, in my head, I've never been there, I don't know much about it, but it feels about as different from Zone 1 as I can imagine.

It's very, very different.

You're more likely to get an encounter with an elephant or a monkey, right?

Both of which I did.

Did you?

Brilliant.

No prets, I assume.

No prets.

Very, very, very, very, very hard to find a pretz.

Extreme weather conditions.

Very, very, very, very heavy heat.

And oppressive heat.

So, for that reason, I had to do a lot of thinking about my packing.

And I consulted Ben.

Yeah.

Who's a bit of a, you're a bit of a packing expert, aren't you, Ben?

Well, I'm just, I'm a bit of a pack light evangelist, basically.

So Ben, I'm a pack heavy evangelist all the way through.

I've actually, I've just realized live on pod that I've actually got got a bit of a bone to pick with you, Ben.

Oh,

did you not take any clothes?

I went too light.

Just took a big bag of Martin Amos's.

Yeah.

There are forms of spiritual clothing.

Yes.

So, Ben, so, so I had a chat with Ben because the other thing which I fell foul of slightly with my trip was I had an evening flight

from from Heathrow, which meant I thought I can do my packing Friday lunchtime.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

So, so I did quite a lot of last-minute thinking, but I remember I talked to you quite late in the day, Ben.

Basically,

rather than just giving someone a bit of friendly advice,

you decided to hard sell your radical packing mantra, didn't you?

It totally proselytize.

It totally proselytized me.

Ben.

I don't remember this, but carry on.

But basically, I went with a ludicrously, a ludicrously small amount of underpants.

Oh, come on, that's the first thing that goes in, Henry.

It was so stupid.

Because I had this idea.

It's n plus one minimum.

N being.

N being the number of days on holiday.

One being

an extra.

Like,

in a hot, in a hot, if you're global south in the summer, I mean, it's two, it's two n plus one.

2n.

So

hot country.

So you're doubling n and you're adding one.

Just in case.

There's always the plus one just in case, pants.

There's also the shit yourself quotient.

Exactly.

Oh, I forgot about this.

Exactly.

Fence mantra is basically n over two,

n divided by two times by i hope you don't shit yourself mate

this is a man who is not dressing for dinner

that's the thing so what i realized was ben has a wash as you go don't you he has a wash you travel washes he washes on the holiday before he washes he does everything in advance i'm in the slipstream henry you've got to understand that i'm washing next week's pants

while wearing them and that's what that's why a lot of those photos of you at the acropolis went viral last year didn't they

Walking around while massaging

fabric softener.

Massaging fabric softeners, your legs.

So if I go away, I will take,

often I'll take three pairs of pants.

Wow, that's crazy.

For how long a holiday are we talking?

What's end?

It doesn't matter.

It could be an unlimited holiday.

See, that's what I take if I'm going out for dinner.

Infinite end divided by three.

Times shit yourself never.

It's mathematical madness.

No, it's not because you won't work unless you're also in the fourth dimension and traveling, are you?

You can wash things, can't you?

Well, that's the thing.

But do you wash things?

And can I wash things?

Well, basically, I ended up.

So

I ended up with, I basically, I think I went in with four pairs of pants.

And what that meant was I was constantly dealing with washing admin the whole holiday.

Basically, washing admin.

And

if I was lucky, I'd stumble across a monkey on the way to or from a laundry.

If I square a pair of pants on him.

We're using the monkeys gambling in the trees to dry your pants.

Oh, yeah.

But it's very hard to get them to gamble to order, Mike.

It's not a personal ad, put it that way.

And also, they're famous for throwing shit, and I've realised why, it's because they love doing it.

And fresh laundry for them is just like, well, it's like...

What's like putting fresh laundry in front of a monkey?

As the old saying goes.

Yeah.

They'll really go for it.

They'll pollock

that stuff.

Also, six pairs of socks for some reason, literally didn't crack them once.

The problem I had with us was I was going to a hot country that was also moist.

And this is what I explained to the woman in the shoe shop I went to on Friday afternoon.

I said, I'm going to a hot country that's also moist.

To the indifferent London teenager.

No, she wasn't indifferent, Mike.

She was angry.

You can move people from indifference to anger.

I can do that, don't you?

Henry.

Like

I forgot the classic thing in a hot country, especially is you're double panting per day, you fool

because halfway through the day, you come back to your hotel room to chill out for a bit, and then you have a shower to then commence the rest of your day.

You can't get back in those guys, you can't get back in those guys.

It goes against everything I believe in to get back in those guys.

Can I just dive in?

What material are your pants made out of?

You know, the stuff they make snorkel masks out of?

Imagine a more hermetically sealed version of that.

A sort of neoprene with rubber gaskets.

If you seal it in now, you can worry about it later.

No, I'm wearing 100% cotton pants.

Yeah, that's a problem as well.

How is that a problem?

Yeah.

I thought that was a good thing.

What should I be wearing?

Cotton's quite bad

for heat like that.

You either want something synthetic that will wick away.

Oh, God.

Just wick away.

Wick, wick away, wick, wick away, wick, wick away.

So

wick away your sweat?

Yeah, the grot will be wicked away.

The grot.

Some stiff polyester boxes, for example.

Okay, and where does it wick it to, though?

A little pouch?

Have you got a system like in June where it all kind of recycles round?

So that goes into a pouch in your back, keeps your traveller's checks moist, and everything recycles back round again, and it comes out as a form of ketchup from the little pipette in your left finger.

Personally, I'm Merino wooling.

Oh, yeah.

You did talk to me.

You did talk.

You talked to me about Merino.

Wool pants.

That sounds very brassy.

Wool pants.

Yeah.

I'm a fan of wool, but

I've never woolen panted in my life.

Change of life.

What is this?

Is this to atone for sins?

What's the idea?

No, it's quite the opposite, Mike.

You'll be going to hell for how good

your nether regions feel in this cities, I'm guessing.

Because it's like really ultra-soft wool, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's more that, again, it just dries out very quickly.

There's no cotton holds onto moisture in a way that's not very good.

Okay.

And I suppose that's why you get animals dressed as in wool rather than in cotton, don't you?

In a sense.

I mean, it's an animal, but wool makes sense for animals to perspire and through and breathe through and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whereas cotton is just a plant, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's actually a good point.

No.

No, I thought.

Don't pull that thread.

No, no, sorry.

Sorry.

You said it.

Now I've got to move on quickly before anyone.

We can't really think about it too hard.

Have I the next David Attenborough?

You can see it play across Henry's face.

Am I in the slipstream of David Attenborough?

Me and him should do lunge.

Yeah, so yeah, the double pant per day.

Do you do that on holiday, Ben?

I mean, maybe this is a personal question.

Depends on the kind of holiday, but depends on the kind of holiday.

Probably not, actually.

Not necessarily.

Because I find myself...

Because also, I was quite active.

I was doing hikes and stuff.

I was paddleboarding in a big lake at the point.

So I'm coming back sweaty, you know, in a hot, heavy, humid, hot, heavy, heat country.

Sweating like a pig.

You come back to your room.

I'm lucky in my rucksack.

I've got four pants, thanks to the Benderin partridge.

It's literally on day three, I'm basically on my last pants.

No, no, on day two, I'm out of pants.

It was crazy.

I was having to repant, repant, and I had all these socks I wasn't using.

Every third day, none of your traveling companions can see you.

It's another laundry day, isn't it?

It's another laundry day.

Where is it?

Sorry, I can't see Sigaria.

Sorry.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, I'm doing my pants.

You can just wash them in the shower and then hang them up.

I hadn't thought of that.

But

using the same soapy suds that you're washing your bod in?

Or are you washing your bod in Ariel?

So that was one problem I had.

But the other thing was footwear.

So on the day of travel.

Henry sent me a photograph of his footwear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it was.

I'm guessing it's quite a rugged, all-purpose sandal.

Well, basically, I'll tell you the journey of how I got there.

Yeah, you're basically not far off.

All right, so I went to the shop in King's Cross on the afternoon of travel.

I said, I'm going to hot, wet country.

I want some hiking boots because I'm going to be going hiking a bit.

She said, Well, you can't wear hiking boots because it's hot, wet.

You'll be trapping hot, wet, hot, wet heat in your feet.

Now, basically, there was a kind of atmosphere between us, and I think it was an unspoken understanding that

fungic or the fungality or fungal was in play,

that That fungus was in play.

Or could be.

By the way, and I do stress, I do have the, I think I've just got national average fungus levels.

Everyone's got it.

Sure.

You live with it.

But I thought that's going to be a nightmare for my feet being hot, being in a hot, wet country, but trapped.

With the moisture trapped in.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

That's a nightmare.

Your feet will get so hot and horrible.

I do understand this.

Because I had a man give me a right-hold talking to.

Did you?

On holiday?

Just over a year ago, because I was going somewhere where I needed such footwear.

Yes.

And he put me onto

the desert boot.

Oh, no.

Is the desert boot breathable?

With a thick woolen sock.

What?

But you're fighting fire with fun here, aren't you?

No, no, because

it's not like your British hiking boot that will wick.

You don't want it to wick.

You want the moisture to be able to escape.

So where's it escaping?

Into the woolen sock?

Into the desert.

Into the desert itself.

Yeah.

How?

Just because it's permeable and relatively breathable, but sturdy.

Okay, for some reason that didn't come up in my conversation with her.

Well, he sent me onto a genuine, like an army surplus supply.

He was very serious about his his travel boots, this guy.

And did you get to know?

I had no choice in the matter, even though I knew I would never see this man again.

Even though you knew you'd never see that man again, you knew he'd be stalking you for the rest of your life.

And he's watching you now through a sniper scope.

He's watching me now.

He knows he's got the boots, so he's not going to do anything.

Well, I wish I'd had that advice, actually, maybe, because that sounds like quite good advice.

But

that wasn't available in this shop.

I do get a bit confused about water and moisture and what's waterproof and when you want things to be waterproof or permeable or breathable.

I think we got a bit confused over it, but she basically, she said to me, what you need is

a pair of these.

And it was a kind of, it was one of those moments in life.

It was a sort of rites of passage moment, a sort of crossroads moment where she was basically saying, welcome to horrific middle-aged footwear.

The people that you've seen on trains and sniggered at.

Yes.

Remember you were in a pub with a friend of yours and you said, look at that, and you called him a twat.

Yes, we do record everything for this moment.

Yeah, and you secretly took a photo of it.

Yeah, because you thought he looked like such a knob.

It's your turn.

It's the only way to deal with hot wet heat.

And it's basically shoes, which are a kind of grotesque.

They're looking at something from like a Marvel film that like an aqua beast might wear.

We talk leather straps.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I wish.

I wish.

What were we talking?

I'm talking.

Not as in a level of practicality

where

anything aesthetic has simply been completely forgotten.

It's literally, it's breathable.

I want bits of foot.

I want bits of foot visible.

I want plasticated straps.

I want rubberized soles.

Oh, God.

So it looks like a sort of medical shoe.

It's got a medical vibe to it.

Yeah.

But then I think I sent a photo of them to Ben on my way to Heathrow.

And Ben, Dream, your comment?

Did I call the police?

Ben made a slightly snarky comment.

Did I?

What did I say?

Not really, but slightly.

He did actually.

Because I was like, I filed i've done it it's the last day before the holiday i've managed to get these shoes they're breathable they're water the water goes through them oh i think i remember what i said

did i say i found it here i've said apart from the stuff that's like obviously our little bit of banter about mic we always start every time

you have to read a little bit of banter about mic every time so i say what are these semi-sandals you said they're waterproof hiking sandals although now i come to think of it how can they be waterproof if they've got massive holes in them that that struck me on the way to throw because i was convinced they were waterproof and i think i find i've managed because okay

paradox that the hiking community and this woman have been struggling with for decades, generations, is how can something be waterproof and breathable?

It can't be.

It can't be waterproof and breathable.

And that's why she gave me something.

She kept on saying to me, they're a water shoe.

They're a water shoe.

And I think I mistook that to mean waterproof.

I then got on the train, had that interaction with you.

And then there is, I think, is it the idea that water, like, if you can't fight water, just let it in, because it'll just come in and go.

It'll go through, Just be the...

So I would agree with this.

If you have a waterproof shoe, if water gets in it, it's not going to dry out for ages.

Whereas if it's actually just got holes in, it's going to get wet.

But it's a hot country, it'll dry out.

Yeah.

But also, if it is properly waterproof, the water won't get in, but also your feet will get really, really heinous.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So I think I found the comment I said that maybe you're referring to.

Yes.

Mosquitoes will love your sockless ankles.

Yeah.

Because

really, really hurtful.

Not socked with dread.

And then he's thinking, what have I got for mosquito repellent?

What if that just gets washed off by this

water courses through?

Anyway, I got the shoes.

And my reporter is 15 stars out of five.

I absolutely love them.

They were incredible.

You can do anything in them.

That's incredible.

You're now going to wear them year-round.

I don't care anymore, Mike.

I'm fast caring.

That's how you become that guy in the pump or on the train.

No, this happens.

It literally happens.

It just works.

They just work.

Okay, so you might be looking cool with your mod outfit and your winkle pickers, yeah, and your um and your 80s-style headband, but you're but you've got serious sweat issues, whereas I look awful,

but you can jump in a puddle with joie de vivre, can't you?

Well, you're weighed down by um, you know, fungal issues, yeah, and friends and sort of lovers because you look so great.

Also, I still do have a sweat problem, obviously.

Let's turn on the beam machine, yes, please.

So every week we pick a random topic that's been entered into the Bean Machine.

If you'd like to put one in, simply go to enter the bean machine dot boats.

That's www.enterthebean machine.boats.

Anyway, yes, this week's topic, as sent in by Stan from Manchester.

Stanchester.

Hello, Stan.

Hi, Stan.

It's vampires.

Ooh.

Hi me.

Good for the good autumnal topic.

It is as the as the summer ends the nights draw in the nights draw in

and the vampires sing their sanguine songy doopy doopy dodly willy dumdy doo diddly dumdy doody doody dumdy diddly do

were vampires invented by whoever wrote uh bramstoker's dracula

i don't think they were actually i don't think they were i know but wasn't vlad the impaler but he was a bit of a genuine inspiration.

Oh, yes, it's based on him, is it?

Well, Dracula is.

I don't know if the myth of the vampire.

It feels like it could be a thing from the thick black

central eastern European forest.

Yes.

Which we've dipped into before.

I think I reckon it is from there, isn't it?

Because also, I think it's like

that

local sort of slightly loosh man.

What's he all about?

The sort of the loosh aristocrat?

The sort of Romanian Ryan Gosling.

Yeah.

Because what was the deal?

They're sort of sexy.

Are they sexy or have they become sexy in modern times?

They're sexy.

They're big time sexy.

I don't know if the impaler was necessarily sexy.

I don't know if that was one of his things.

It's certainly not what he wanted to be defined by.

He was very much defined by his impaling of people.

Yeah, I think so.

And not his Papiamache work, which was

always a big sign of him.

His decent watercolours.

They are sort of sexy.

I've always found them a bit unclear as what exactly they're.

What's their deal?

What's their deal?

And also, what the rules are around them.

They're this made-up thing which has a lot of specific rules.

Yeah.

And people will say it just doesn't make sense because it's a vampire.

He wouldn't be able to eat a Provence-Al stew.

He can't eat meditator.

He can't eat garlic.

He can't eat garlicky food unless it's in the form of a smoothie, which he can drink because he can drink blood, which can, I don't, you know what I mean?

But only at twilight.

Because the thing I don't understand about them is if they bite you,

do you die or do you become one of them?

I've never understood that.

They're a bit fiddly with that, aren't they?

They're a bit.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Sometimes you get turned and sometimes you just perish, right?

Oh, I tell you what.

Have you actually read Dracula by Ram Stoker?

I have.

Oh, have you?

I went to Whitsby on holiday.

Oh, yeah.

That's not the same as reading Dracula by Bram Stoker.

Sorry.

Do you know what books work?

It's a step in the right direction, though, isn't it?

That's where the boat draws in at the beginning of the book.

So I thought when I was in Whitby, I was like, I'll read Dracula while I'm here and it will be a really great book.

And every crate you see

brought to life.

But I just didn't read it.

No.

Just looked at my phone.

Didn't even look at Whitby.

Whitware?

Did you have a good time in Whitby?

Yeah.

It's great.

Have you ever been?

Yeah, yeah.

I've not been, no.

It's really good.

What's so good about it?

It's got a big, creepy creepy abbey up on the hill nice gothic everything's quite creepy but it's hard to work out whether you're like superimposing that on the place

but it kind of leans into it yeah um being creepy creepy with summer fun yeah good fish and chips is there is there gregs

probably

but a creepy gregs

oh is it blood or ketchup it's ketchup it's ketchup yeah there's quite a lot of goths about which is good fun oh is it because it's like a goth magnet basically it's a goth magnet.

Yes.

I went on a ghost walk.

That sounds like you were conned, doesn't it?

Because that's supposed to be train.

But if it's walk.

Yeah, yeah.

It's supposed to be train and it's supposed to be vampire, isn't it, as well?

A ghost walk?

They've done it double wrong.

That's like going on a Sasquatch bike ride.

Paddleboarding with the kraken.

And by kraken, we mean Keith,

who can be quite crabby if you talk with him.

So please don't join the door.

tell me more about the ghost walk

so um bloke in a sort of leather cape

yeah great start

leather or leather

was this a sex walk ben

it was a sex walk yeah

bloke in leather cape and i think top hat yeah potentially also leather i'm not sure yeah so he's not made the effort to make the outfit coherent it doesn't are you saying a leather cape and leather top hat don't go together?

From a man who wears waterproof but not waterproof sandals?

They don't go with anything.

That's what's great about them.

They're universally inappropriate.

And how many of you were there on the walk?

Oh, too many, like 25.

Oh, okay.

So it's doing quite well.

Yeah, you walk around the creepy streets of Whitby, and he says, and at one time it was thought that three children were murdered in this house and stuff like that.

And I learned that from goo.

if anyone's got a smartphone, they could be doing this for free.

Spooky.

Oh, and I've crept up.

And I've conned you.

Scaries.

Conned.

Ha ha.

And if you click on the witch's QR code,

special deals for the gift shop.

I prefer to take cash.

And yes, I am on the sex offenders register.

Have enough spooky things happened in Whitby to justify the

well, no.

So they did.

Is it a spooky place or is this just marketing?

What's going on?

It is quite spooky.

Yeah.

But it's also, but it's also a pretty summer seaside resort town.

Okay.

But I was there in December.

Oh, okay.

Okay, that's good.

I've only been in there in the summer.

It's a very different kettle of fish.

Because seaside towns in the winter do have an eerie

sort of bleakness.

Yeah, I would have been there very, very busy streets and seagulls attacking chips and all that kind of thing.

It was the usual classic English holidays vibe.

But what you can do is, because it's bleak the rest of the year, because you look at Whitby, you go, how do we monetize this?

In the summer,

it's just unpleasantly noisy.

There's ketchup everywhere.

Everyone's being attacked by seagulls.

We try and distract people by still selling really off-colour, outdated 1950s sexual postcards.

It does seem to be working.

It seems to be working.

But the winter is a problem.

So what have we got?

Skiing.

Skiing.

Flat skiing.

Reasonably flat skiing.

It's either flat skiing.

Car park skiing.

So we've got two, we've got two proposals here.

We've got flat car park skiing.

Bonuses are almost impossible to get injured other than by being beaten up by one of the teenagers in there.

Or run over by one of the cars that's skidding along the icy car park.

So it's actually quite it's quite a high degree of injury, but a low degree of classic skiing type injury.

Which is good because the hospital isn't used to that sort of injury.

So,

actually, they can handle people being run over.

Exactly.

So, actually,

that's two positives in a way.

Put it in the positives box, Brian.

Put it in the positives, please.

And it helps keep the local hospital busy, which is also good.

Keep it busy.

So, yeah, flat car park skiing.

Also, it's very handy for the shops from the skiers' point of view because you're in the car park of a shop.

That's a half a positive.

Yeah, absolutely.

Convert the ice cream bands into gluevine bands.

Oh, yeah.

Sounding good.

It's all coming together.

But on the other side, you've got, if you can't make that work, you've got spooky tours, haven't you?

You make a positive out of the fact that it's bleak, cold, dark, dank, grey, damp, damp, and dank, both.

And the setting for Dracula.

And the setting for Dracula.

So you hit it up with ghost tours, don't you?

Yeah, it was good.

I also went to a carol service.

It was Christmas time.

Oh, yeah.

I went to a carol service in the Ruined Abbey,

which was called off because of driving rain.

Was it?

Well, these things are always called off.

You can schedule as much as you like.

They probably would have scheduled about 17 events, including probably Rolling Stones, would have been scheduled there.

Beyonce, it doesn't matter.

It's the 25%.

It's the golden rule, which is 25% of people will not get around to claiming the refund.

That golden rule keeps places like winter.

That is driving the winter economy.

It drives it through.

I mean, you can't have a car service in a ruined damping.

Think about the health and safety implications.

Obviously, it was never going to go ahead, was it?

It's got no roof.

Nothing's ever going to go ahead.

And with the skiing, you know, if someone's been pancaked between a Citron Saxo and a transit van, they tend not to get a refund.

They don't get around to the thing.

They don't get round to the refund.

They don't know those ski passes are expensive.

Vladivan Palawise.

Yeah.

I think I've been to a room where he lived in Turkey.

In Turko?

Was he Turkish?

Vladivan Pala?

No, so he was from Romania.

Okay.

But then it was taken over by the Ottoman Empire.

And maybe he was kidnapped and put in a cage.

I can't remember.

That might be Bollocks, though.

You know, those things where you think it's right.

I like it.

But it might be Bollocks.

I like it.

I'm going to slightly misremember.

Because I remember in the Francis Ford, whatever it is you say next

film francis ford mondeo

in his dracular film there's some flawed stuff isn't there i i don't know i don't know what the timeline is that gary is that the garry oldman yeah gary oldman he he wears some incredible red armor at a point i think i think possibly that's when he's being vlad in bail oh he gets bitten in a cave by a right old wrongan doesn't he or something a cave of scowls

I've just looked it up.

I think everything I said was wrong.

I think he was imprisoned, but maybe not where I went.

I don't know.

Okay.

But it was still true in its own context, Ben.

So

don't beat yourself.

Ben, I will not have you beating yourself up about this.

Okay.

It was true as far as you were concerned at the time.

Exactly.

And I will not make a big deal about this.

And I just think we should sketch over this and how those mosquitoes will play havoc with your sockless feet, won't they?

Well, maybe.

Maybe the facts will play havoc with your unresearched bare ankles of ignorance.

How were your bare ankles in strangers?

Oh, I bet you want to know, don't you?

Oh, they'll love your sockless feet.

Oh, Benjamin, your heart is black.

Did Ben forget to tell you that he always wears knee-length merino socks everywhere he goes?

For that very reason.

Was I right, Henry?

No, to be fair.

Actually, no, I was okay in the end because I used a lot of spray.

Okay.

So I was fine.

But yeah, it's not an issue.

I'm glad you...

You reminded me of it, and just the choice of words was unnecessarily callous.

It was.

you knew I was on the train to Heathrow at that point because you knew there's nothing I could do about it

no so um actually on the topic of blood-sucking beasts

lovely stuff the lib dems

because think about it have you ever seen a davy looking at a crucifix or covered in garlic

or have you ever seen his reflection in it

coinky dink

Dracula, right?

No,

to be fair, I read it quite a long time ago, but I remember it as being, it's quite a bizarre book.

You're the literary.

So I read Dracula.

You've read Dracula, Mike.

So I've been to Wick.

Prince's been to Wick.

I remember Dracula as a book as being sort of quite strange.

It's not what you expect

when you know a lot about the vampire myths and stuff.

You don't get a lot of it.

It's a huge surprise.

No, because it's mostly about a sort of like an English gentleman and what he's had for breakfast and

his anxiety

and maybe sort of, you know, sort of courting.

Because the problem is you read it too late, don't you?

And maybe back in the day they read it, but

we've all seen too much vampire stuff first.

So like, yeah, come on, let's have the goods.

Let's have the blood-sucking stuff.

When's he turning into a bat?

Where's the bat?

He still hasn't turned into a bat.

When is he going to turn into a bat?

And where's the Deadpool angle?

Is Deadpool going to

pop out of a coffin and the whole thing's like a crossover?

Oh,

it's the Marvel Stoker universes.

That's what you're wanting, isn't it now?

Yeah, so it's not, yeah, you're missouled on it when you read it.

But it's mercifully short, at least.

You get through it and then you've done it.

So is it good?

I did enjoy it, yeah.

But it feels like it's quite slow.

Also, it's weirdly.

You've got to readjust.

You've got to readjust your paper.

You've got to readjust your settings.

But also, a lot of it, it's basically about a lawyer.

A lot of it's about sort of property law, basically.

It's a lawyer who's gone to visit this guy, Dracula, to discuss some sort of property legal case.

And he meets Dracula, and it's just quite awkward between them.

He just freaks him out for quite a long time, basically.

He's just a really bad host for a while.

Have you ever,

I mean, I know you both haven't, but have you ever done

a yoga class

where...

You know, you end up having your neck sort of bitten off.

I've only ever done one yoga class, and that was a family yoga class.

Basically, if you do a yoga class and there's any one teacher or something, like for some reason,

there's any one student there.

Well, not student.

I mean, I do see it as a study, though, a form of study, yeah.

Lifelong study.

One-on-one, do you mean?

The exam?

Death.

Yeah.

Comes to all of us.

But we'll repass it with fine colours.

Because I hope that when I die, I'll be able to be folded into a lunch box.

I'll be that flexible.

So

Draculus has got kind of weird energy then.

He's just a bit of a weird vibe.

Yeah, he's got weird energy.

It's It's awkward.

And it takes him a refined guy a long time to work out that something is really, really off.

Even though it's clearly off from the absolute get-go.

Because he's wearing those sandals.

He's wearing those infernal sandals.

And then Dracula decides to go to Whitby.

Dracula decides to go on a holiday to Whitby.

Oddly, though, but why doesn't he turn himself into a bat and just sort of post himself in a jiffy bag?

The same way he's

fly at that point.

while you're down at ryman's having a really complicated conversation in remaining ryman's i've already flown halfway there mate

if you can seal me into the envelope no no wait listen listen how quack

to fold my wings up the front not whack otherwise i'll be very very sore at the other end

Please don't write the address.

Yeah, don't write the address with wet near where my face is.

Write it on one of the stickers, which I'm also going to pay for, by the way, and adhere it before you put me in the envelope.

I'm going to put the address on before I put myself in, please.

I said very jiffy bag.

Jiffy bag.

Listen, listen, listen.

I know technically we should put me down as livestock, but it's going to be a whole heap of customs bullshit.

You know what I'm saying?

So he put me down as a greetings card.

I could be one of those three-dimensional ones.

It could be very, very still.

It says that I'm a toy.

Sell that I'm a toy.

Child's toys.

Yeah, it's hurtful to me, but put my worth down as less than £12.

We skip a whole lot of tax bullshit.

I'm fine with it now, honestly.

And please, if you wouldn't mind leaving a couple of dead flies or a bit of an apple or something, because it is going to take a while together, I wouldn't mind.

I'd be loudly asleep, but I might wake up hungry, and I'm very grumpy if I wake up hungry.

Could you fit in a virgin's neck in here?

I'm just asking.

So, yeah, I just fly, mate.

Yeah, fair play.

So, he does, he's he's kind of giving off weird vibes.

Then he then he goes to Whitby.

He goes to Whitby.

I think he gets the sense i think i remember this right i think the the guy the guy who's three men half remember dracula welcome yeah

i think the estate agent mentions that he's got uh he he's got a really nice girlfriend back at home and dracula's like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna take her to the prom if you know what i mean by her neck off and

crates himself over and is it because he tells dracula he's got a fit girlfriend and dracula's like sounds good i've got to go all the way to i'm going to crate you myself to whitby i mean just go to some of the the local bars.

Like, he's got the whole of Europe right on his doorstep.

Try a long weekend in Bucharest.

Like, it's going to, you're going to, you're going to find someone you like.

Something will happen.

It's got a thriving night scene.

Bear in mind, you can hover.

You know, it's a great, it's a great opener.

It's a great icebreaker.

But this might have been in Whitby's absolute heyday.

Do you know what I mean?

So it might have been like, this is a premium.

This is like going to Capitol.

This is before the ghost wars.

This is when all those people were alive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe he's trying to go to a place where there's absolutely no chance there's garlic in the cooking.

I want to be able to go to a place where I can say caspacho and people literally not know what I'm what I'm talking about.

I want to go to a place where I say caspacho and say bless you.

Although after you say that to me, I start burning.

Ah, don't bless me.

Time to read your emails.

Yes, please.

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

I was wondering whether to bring this up at all.

Maybe, I don't know if this will end up in the final podcast.

Because I don't want to criticise anyone sending us an email.

Yeah.

But

there's a growing constituent of people.

So, you know how in our podcast, we'll use listener versions of the theme tune, which they compose themselves and record themselves.

Yep.

And they tend to be wonderful.

And sometimes people do that for our jingles.

Increasingly, someone will send an email going,

oh, I've just made 15 of them for you.

Wow.

But they're just AI.

Oh, I see.

And is the person writing it an AI?

No, so someone has used an AI prompt to get to spit out a version of our theme tune.

I see.

Okay.

And I just want to say, I will never ever play that on the podcast.

I think that is worth saying because we don't want people to waste their time.

But I think what we're cherishing is the individual human take.

Exactly.

If we get to the point where most of our listeners are bots,

fine.

Once we hit the bots bot, when it flips

to over 50%.

But I don't mean to be rude to those people who sent us emails because it's nice that you've sent us an email.

But yeah, I just think the whole point of it is that people are kind of applying themselves to it for a bit and, you know, recording themselves and making something nice.

Personally, I find the idea of playing an AI version just horrifying in a way that I can't even really explain why.

Just in terms of future-proofing this, in terms of how history pans out, in terms of AI's controlling humanity, et cetera.

Yeah.

I'm just going to say, distance myself from those comments from Ben.

I actually prefer AI music and people with six fingers.

People with six fingers.

And you'd be willing to have a six finger grafted on wherever the computer decides it's.

Wherever it wants.

I'd also like to say,

if you feel like you need a sort of human touch to maybe be grand emperor of the bots,

just

call me.

Do you know what I mean?

Like,

because I'm very much on the bottom.

Just a lump of flesh to be incorporated into some hardware.

I'm up for that.

I mean, you've already got the right shoes, haven't you?

Full utility.

No human touch there.

No human touch at all.

I've got full utility footwear.

So let's talk.

You know what?

Let's fuse.

Let's talk fusion.

Can you fuse me into the mainframe?

You've got one of the most easily portable scalps in the world.

My scalp.

You can 3D print this shit like that, honestly.

You know what I mean?

And also, I actually don't mind the idea of becoming sort of, you know, semi-permeated by little bits of circuit board and sort of becoming

kind of judging.

Becoming a fan, becoming a computer fan.

Becoming like a computer fan, like just humming away something.

It's just saying, kill me, kill me.

But also, equally, if the AIs don't end up controlling everything,

I'd like to actually agree with Ben

and pledge allegiance to the

Neus Habsburg.

Exactly.

Um, Habsburgs, Habsburgs, one family, one truth,

one Europe under one blood-soaked flag,

and after years of inbreeding, only one chromosome somehow

that could be seen with the naked eye.

By the way, Ben, are you sure they are AIs?

Because it might be this is some sort of musical prodigy genius who boshes out 15 you know songs really quickly.

That was Connor, we've got that already.

Okay, I didn't think, yeah, yeah, I can understand the temptation absolutely if you're fiddling around with this stuff.

Yeah,

um, the other kind of email that we get a lot of, I don't know why I'm complaining about the emails because obviously, there's I saw so

here's a pompadou.

And now it's time for

pompadou section.

Pompidou.

I tend to pick which emails get read out.

The ones I never read out, because we and we get a lot of these, like maybe three a week.

Ben, can I say you've really shattered everyone's illusions that I was fielding a lot of that admin.

And I object to that.

Anyway, carry on.

Will be: someone sends in a picture that they've seen of anyone with a moustache saying, is this Mike?

Yep.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I don't know how to respond to that.

Well, I've probably seen a thousand of them now, and I would say four of them actually look like Mike.

The rest of them is just a man with a moustache.

There's a lot that come up in hot circulation as well, aren't they?

I get this on Twitter as well.

There's quite a few regular regulars.

Ben, you sent us one during the break, you're lying, bastard.

But that's what I was coming on to.

We got one this week that's actually incredible.

I think was that the squash one that Mike looks like a squash champion called Jonah Barrington that one season was that not from you?

Was that sourced from one of our listeners?

Yeah, somebody that was a brilliant one.

I mean, basically, I think the bar is high.

It's a bit like International Olympic high jumping.

Like, literally, the bar, the bar is high.

Okay, wow.

By which I mean you don't at the Olympic level you don't get people jumping the two-footers jumping the three-footers They're out.

They're out there.

You need them there to push people so that they will eventually jump the six-footers the seven-footers the eight-footers as you're saying those other emails we've had which is just it'll just be anyone with the moustache that was priming us for when Jonah Barrington arrived

Exactly.

That's people jumping in the Mac Gardens.

It's grassroots stuff.

It's grassroots stuff.

You need that

true excellence, which is what this podcast has always been about.

To get to Jonah Barrington, you have to, you've got to hit the Pringles tube first.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Doesn't look like Mike.

Doesn't look like Mike.

Jonah Barrington's Squash Champion, I think, is Mike.

Yeah, it's extraordinary.

If you're listening and want to see this image, if you Google search Jonah Barrington's Squash, which is a computer game of Squash, on the Commodore 64, the cover for the computer game, I think looks uncannily like Mike.

He's got the same facial expression as you, somehow, same body pose, same body pose,

same outfit,

same squash process.

If you'd like to send us an email, please send them to threebean saladpod at gmail.com.

Let's start with one from Rick.

Hello, Rick.

Hi, Rick.

Bonjour Beans.

On hearing your previous missives from listeners around romantic connections leading to proposals of marriage, it struck me I had a similar story.

On a certain dating app, a lady's prompt for conversation was simply, What was the last thing that made you smile?

To which I replied, I've been grinning my head off to a ridiculous podcast called Three Bean Salad on my way to work.

She said, Thanks for the recommendation.

I'm driving down to Telford tomorrow and need something to listen to.

We subsequently chat, it's so romantic, isn't it?

It's so often that Telford features in these stories, isn't it?

I don't know what it is the venice of them all.

We subsequently chatted, and to my utter joy, dated.

It went really well.

We met up and had several very nice times together.

Oh.

So you know where this is going.

Needless to say, after a couple of weeks or so, when I asked her if she'd followed up my suggestion to your podcast, she said yes.

She eventually had listened.

It wasn't up her street, and she subsequently dumped me.

With love from Rick.

Oh, Rick.

You know what?

She wasn't a keeper, was she?

No, exactly.

You dodged a bullet there.

Yeah.

I I think, I imagine she's probably more of a Joe Rogan type fan from what I'm hearing.

Also, she's on her way to Telford.

I mean, do you want to join her on that journey?

Both metaphorically and literally.

Sure, it's got a great service station.

Has it?

It's got a really good historical museum called Iron Bridge.

Oh, yeah.

Where you go there and

it's like a Victorian town from the Industrial Revolution.

That's really good.

Okay.

It's also the administrative, I mean, from memory i think it's the administrative center of telford and wrecking borough isn't it

so actually it's quite in its own way it's quite a big hitter

bearing in mind it's it's taking on the admin duty for two boroughs isn't it

so

plus when you chuck in at um you know access to the river seven you're actually looking at probably a fairly good good future with that woman actually so yeah you messed up also i mean i haven't even started talking we have literally haven't even yet thinking about the M54, have we?

What's the most unifying podcast to listen to then?

I mean,

if you're putting it out there, if you're miss-making and saying, you know, if you're trying to attract someone else, what's the most sort of what's the honeypot podcast?

It's a bit like that, what's your favourite film?

It's a difficult question, isn't it, to answer?

And it's like,

do you answer honestly, or do you try and second guess what that person will like?

Or do you end up coming out with quite a vanilla answer that covers all bases?

There's no like neutral podcast that's just everyone likes, is there?

Well, owl fuckers.

Well, there's our fuckers.

fuckers but also there's things like the Ted Grubenheim podcast with over 60 billion listens per day.

There's normally one you haven't heard of that is the biggest in the world and it's the Ted Grubenheim experience.

Weren't you into one for a while where they were selling like loads of diet supplements?

I was.

It was the Ted Grubenheim experience.

I stumbled across

this weird thing happens where on the internet, where you stumble across like an obscure

sort of little sort of stream of chat and clicking on things.

And you end up finding this obscure little place where they're talking about the biggest podcast in the world by Miles that you've never heard of and no one you know has ever heard of, the Todd Grubenheim podcast.

And he interviews Obama once a fortnight.

He interviews Obama once a fortnight.

And it's normally about getting up at 4 a.m.

and grubenheiming your life.

And it's, and it's, I talk to the 10 most successful people in 10 different industries 10 days a week at 10 a.m.

for 10 hours.

Today, I'm talking to Benjamin Partridge about living in the slipstream.

Exactly.

That's exactly what it is.

And at the end, then you'll do a link to your podcast and the whole thing.

So that's what we need to get on that circuit, really, to really boost the listenership of Three Bean.

Yeah.

But I did listen to Grouponag, but what was he talking to me about again?

I briefly got quite into it.

It was all about.

You got into a guy who's kind of into that.

Is it called bio-hacking?

Whereas you sort of like you try and live forever by hacking your own arms off.

replacing them with bottles of smoothie a lot of it's about buying powder isn't it very almost always comes down to buying powder because of course powder is so untraceable it's almost impossible to actually prove what's in a powder or not because there's so many different bits in it that you'd have to get them all individually labelled which can't be done so it's like they can't be prosecuted actually mike we we gave you the task of coming up or you know looking into the the official three bean salad powder have you

how is it they all come from the same place uh there's a single factory in kazakhstan that makes all the powders, all the dietary powders you can imagine.

It's all just the same powder.

It's then packaging, basically.

It's just talcum powder and food colouring, isn't it?

It's talcum powder, a bit of chalk, yeah, food colouring, and away we go.

And then you just package it up.

Yeah.

Incredible to think, isn't it?

But yeah, I've got a good, yeah, I've got a few leads in with

the Kazakhs.

So we can get some.

It's just then the packaging.

It's just if Henry can get around to drawing a design.

Which I'm quite busy.

But

actually, Ben, there are so many of those funny podcasts.

It's always an American guy.

He's always called Ted Ferris.

Because that's another one.

It's Tim Ferris.

Tim Ferris.

So I got told.

I'd never heard of him.

I got told about him in Sri Lanka.

By a kind of cool Scottish yoga guy.

He wrote a book called The Four Hour Work Week.

Yes, exactly.

Where the idea was you outsource all of your work essentially to an Indian call centre for pennies

and then just live it up.

Because this guy was, this guy

explained this to me.

And

I felt like such a silly sausage for not having heard of this guy because he's like, obviously, he's like the Ted Ferris thing.

I was like, what, Ted Ferris?

He was like, yeah, he's...

Tim Ferriss.

Whatever.

Yeah, Tim Ferriss.

I mean, he's the biggest podcaster, probably, give or take Ted Grubenheimer

ever.

A lot of it's life hack stuff.

So this Tim Ferris, Ted Ferris, Tim Ferris, this guy was talking to me about, as if this stuff should be really obvious to me, but it's some sort of life hack whereby it was like buying stuff online and then reselling it, setting yourself up as a sort of false company.

It's felt like basically.

Yeah, it's called drop shipping.

So you set up an online shop and you never see the product.

It just goes from China to the person you sold it to.

I mean, that is.

Oh, man.

It's quite cold.

It's so bizarre.

And

it's basically like taking advantage of the fact that other parts of the world are quite a lot poorer than us and leveraging that to make your life better.

It's quite grim.

Having said that, don't stop heading down to threebeansellad.shop.

Shop.com.

Shop.com.

Because

that's not a Tim Ferris sanctioned business, is it?

No.

It's all based in the Isle of Wight, I think, our shop, isn't it?

We're a proud Isle of Wight business.

Yeah.

We've had an email, a sad email.

Oh, dear.

From Aaron.

Dear Beans, many moons ago, a London zookeeper emailed in to say that they often listen to your podcast with Thug the Pygmy Hippo.

Yeah.

I remember that.

I do.

Because I think they offered for us to meet Thug.

They did, yeah.

And that's kind of been on my to-do list now for about three years.

Last weekend, I visited London Zoo and their current animal poo exhibition, or Pooh Zium, as they like to call it.

Nice.

As you'll see from the photo attached, not only did I come face to face with Thugs Pooh, but I learned of his passing from the label below it.

Oh, thug.

And there's a picture here of Thugs Pooh, and it says, Thug Pygmy Hippo, 1996 to 2024.

Oh,

okay.

I'm sorry to hear that.

28 years old.

It's a decent run for a bit then after.

When was he born?

May the 5th, 1996.

Which, of course, is the same birthday as um as nebworth isn't it is it's oasis's original nebworth gig

you think he might have been conceived there

backstage i mean things got pretty crazy didn't they

by a full-size hippo and a pygmy shrew

by a full-size hippo and oasis's smallest roadie

yeah all kinds of shit was going on mate um oh well that's that's a that's a sad day.

Rest in peace, Thug.

Well, I hope Thug

is looking down from the

through the bars of the massive zoo in the sky.

Where he will be trapped forever.

Oh, God.

Where he will be cared for forever.

Cared for forever.

By the celestial zookeepers.

Final email.

This is about a number of episodes now.

Maybe years ago, we discussed British abusive greetings cards.

Yes.

Yes.

This is from Lloyd from Bremen.

He says, while I was looking for a birthday card for my wife this week, I found an absolutely top-tier bit of madness.

I found a website that had all the usual cards with things like 35 and still a dickhead.

But there was another one that really caught my eye.

And he sent us a photo of this one.

Happy birthday, Grandpa, you ancient sack of shit.

You ancient sack of shit.

think third day grandpa, you ancient sack of shit.

How many grandfather-grandchild relationships are there where that's appropriate?

I think it's because they no longer fought in World War II that they can do that.

Right.

I think they're the greatest generation.

Yeah, yeah.

No one into boomers, anything.

Boomers, yeah.

Wow.

So Lloyd says, it might be worth a shout out on your pod in case any of your listeners have a grandfather's birthday coming up and complete enough to disdain for their grandfather.

All the best ways.

I'm just thinking, I'm imagining

my dad, if one of his grandchildren was to send, I mean,

if he was to open,

it would just, it would make no,

you wouldn't be able to compute it.

I don't know what would happen.

It feels like time and space would actually just kind of come apart, I think.

Yeah.

You'd probably think it was just right that the world was about to draw to a close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's end of days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't bother doing the next weekly shop.

Just don't cancel it.

Yeah, so thanks for those emails.

And yeah, I'd be interested if anyone can find a card on sale in Britain that is more heinous.

And more inappropriate.

And happy birthday, Grandpa, you ancient sack of shit.

Good challenge.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash free beam sand.

Thank you to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Patreon.com forward slash threebean salad is the place to go.

If you want more three bean nonsense, there's extra episodes, there's bonus episodes, there's our semi-frequent film review podcast, Film Corner.

That's a stretch.

Yeah.

Oh, we've got a film rec for you.

I've already wrecked it to you.

I'm obsessed with a film called Hundreds of Beavers.

Oh, yeah.

We saw Hundreds of Beavers.

Did you see it?

What?

Absolutely loved it.

It's so good, isn't it?

Absolutely loved it.

Where did you see it?

It was on your recommendation.

They did it in, there was one showing only in the picture house in Exeter.

Amazing.

So we went to see it.

It was spectacular.

When you went, Mike, was it a decently full cinema?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I think that's important because it's kind of one you'd laugh along with, I think.

Yeah, very much so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm glad you went.

Whole family.

Yeah.

Family outing.

Oh, nice.

So it's in the style of a kind of black and white.

It's a black and white film, like...

Old school.

Very, very, yeah.

Kind of like a silent movie, yeah.

Slapsticky and people are very obviously dressed as beavers and the like.

It makes no excuses.

I think you'd love it, Henry.

Okay, yeah, I think it is.

Okay, great.

Anyway, if you'd like all that and add free episodes, patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike in the Sean Bean Lounge.

You better believe you do.

And you were there last night, weren't you, Mike?

I was, yeah, sure.

And it was the old

throw an external hard drive as far as you can, night.

It certainly was, Benjamin.

Thank you.

And here's my report.

It was the old, throw an old external hard drive as far as you can, night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, with William Ned Blake and Daniel Gibbons as obverse umpires using modified Queensbury rules.

Jason Carpenter opened proceedings well by luzzing a small computer system interface into the beak of a moving magpie.

Samuel Polanski, Lizzie Martin and Ben Hawks adapted a toileting sling harness to carry a solid-state hybrid drive that had 8 million Italian lira worth of bitcoins on it and propelled it deep into Sean Bean's hot ash pit.

A canny move as it sent numerous competitors scrambling to retrieve the valuable crypto and missing their throw, including A.

Cash Gill, Jason Ernest, Artie Muskrack Frog, and Bobby Parry.

Eddie Tabana chose to chuck a serial ATA and managed to send it the length of a football pitch.

Alex Morgan managed an American football pitch, Tom Pearson a table football pitch, and Joe Power a small drawing of a full-sized football pitch but not to scale.

Each of Ashley Orsack, Will Tomspond and A.D.

Stiles would have broken a world record had they been tossing a caber, but none of them were.

And Bella and Arlo Clark would have earned a lifetime ban had they been in a welly-wanging competition, but they weren't.

Solomon Quincy pitched a sand disc half a snoot, Joe Mullen underarmed a Toshiba Ultra Slim a full light second, and Senor Elliott knuckleballed a Tesco's own brand all the way next door to the Owlfuckers textile-free cold-smoke sauna and salmon curing cabin.

Lorna Horn, archmistress of McCuncleth Doors and lover of Ian the Midwales Banksy, leg spanned an IBM Ramack 350 past the 20-yard line and knocked John Hannon's thumb drive into the ditch.

This freed up Harry Yeo and Luca Lettieri to backspin a magnetic platter into the rink, leading to a tiebreak between them and Guyan Katie Revelle Jackson's 1954 refrigerated 78-inch data wheel, which contained a live recording of Christine Aguilera's Genie in a Bottle, pirated by David King.

That tiebreak quickly became in irrelevance, however, when Irini dropped through a parallel ATA which was filibustered by Matt Lilly III to a fair catch by Adam Clark, whose hat fell off allowing Leodis to take the plunk while Oliver S.

Riley substituted himself for an Apple Mac trebuchet disguised as a mannequin's arm.

This was used to launch a 1TB Seagate a city block away by Andrew Stiles, with Ruben Beltran Dorio following closely behind, also with a city block, but from a smaller city, for example, the kind that only has one branch of boots and no Pizza Express, and then by Martin Clayton, who is the only person to unintentionally throw a hard drive backwards.

At this point, in stepped Sean Bean himself, who felt that everyone should have waited for him before starting, threw a wobbly, declared that wobbly to have travelled the furthest distance and left with the trophy and without taking any questions.

Thanks all.

Okay, we'll finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

This is sent in by S.

Thank you, S.

And it is described as a Johnny Cash-inspired version of the theme tune.

That sounds very good to me.

I'm excited to hear this one.

Excellent.

And until next time.

Thanks, S.

And thanks, everyone, for listening.

Goodbye.

True.

Thank you very much.

Bye.

Beautiful.